The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - I'll have that

Episode Date: September 20, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week the team talk Scotland referendum. Frank is perturbed about a top 100 joke of his quoted in the Telegraph that he's pretty sure he never said...The team ask the readers if blonde beards exist and there's an update on Depardieu

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran on this occasion. You can text the show on 8 12 15, that's 8 12 15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm not accusing you of any kind of passive-aggressive behaviour, but on this occasion,

it did sound like we were up for renewal or something. Yeah, it's a little bit temporary. On this occasion. Well, you know, it's, um, that's like this is my current wife. Yeah. Oh, we had a very, uh, good morning, Peter. Morning. Morning, Jim. Morning, Richie. We had, um, we had a very... Good morning, Peter.

Morning. Morning, Jim. Morning, Richie. We had a good conversation this week about how I... Pictures of me in Doctor Who have appeared this week. They've surfaced. And I'm not an alien, as some people thought I might be. And my argument is that a man with my accent could never play an alien.

Yeah. In Doctor Who. Yes, you did say that. Now, someone, some Doctor Who fan will say, what about Gerdog, who had a Manchester accent in Terror of the Autons or something like that? But I can't think of one. But you know what I mean?

There's something that aliens, for some reason, have to be a bit posh. Aliens don't tend to be regional, as a rule. No, they don't. And I respect them for that. But the Doctor's an alien, and he's regional. Yeah, but he went to RADA. He's regional now.

Generally, the Doctor's went to RADA. He's regional this week. If the vote had gone the other way, he would have been overseas. Oh, yeah. Funny, isn't it? I like that you're standing up for regional aliens everywhere, though. I'm saying that you were...

Emily was saying that the regional accent now is a massive plus in entertainment, and I said there are still closed doors. Yeah. And one of them, I think, is aliens in Doctor Who. It's not that easy. Just because we're well-spoken doesn't make it easy for us. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm saying it's easier. But you'd be more likely to play an alien on Doctor Who than me, for example.

Yeah, that's not going to happen, I'm afraid. Me and you are like relief. We're the gravedigger rather than the prince. Yeah. That's fancy. But tremendous news this week. Oh, yeah? I'm in the Daily Telegraph's top 100 jokes of all time.

Lovely. Congratulations. Really pleased for you. It's very exciting to be there. And they're not in any particular order, so we can all slap each other on the back. I bet you remember what number you were, though. I don't, actually.

OK. Because for that... He's bigger than that. Well, one big reason is I don't... The joke that's got me in, I'm pretty sure is not my joke. Really? Obviously, I say so many spontaneous jokes. Might have just tumbled out.

I might remember. Can you remember what it is off the top of your head? Well, it doesn't sound like... It sounds like something that an American comic from the 50s would have said. I think they just thought, well, this must be someone a bit more senior. Maybe it was Frank Skinner. That doesn't convince me it's not you. Would you care to share it with us?

Here's the joke, then. A man doesn't know the meaning of happiness until he's married, and then it's too late. Oh, sounds a bit more Tarby. Yeah, it doesn't sound like you. It's actually quite a good joke. It's not bad. But I am 99.9% certain it's not me.

I feel like I'm in on the false pretenses. How does Pasquale sleep? That's what this makes me wonder. And I didn't, this is not my own doing, but even so, I feel like I've nicked somebody's joke. Yeah, you've sort of nicked it by proxy somehow.

Yeah. That's tricky, isn't it? You're going to have to write one of those letters. How do you unsteal a joke you never stole? I think I should write to the Telegraph and say, can I say that this isn't my joke? Yeah. I'd like to be removed. Or even say, can I say that this isn't my joke and I'd like to be removed from the top?

Or even better, offer them 100 jokes of yours that they can select from for the 100 jokes. I mean, they could replace them all and just put all yours in. Why not? As an apology, they could just have Frank Skinner's top 100 jokes. That would be great, wouldn't it? It's always changing, though, isn't it? By the second. They did a thing called the Comedy Carpet in Blackpool, which I might which i told you about before and they put one of my jokes on there it's not a

joke i would have chosen i like to know what was that it was about i don't repeat it it was about dogs breaking wind i wasn't doing a blue period was it and i like to think i hated the blue period oh i know you did you're such a lad i I hated it. I'm really laddy, yeah. I like getting our jokes about philosophy and things much better. Yeah, but even in my blue period, I didn't do many windbreaks. I've always hated, I can't use the word, I've always hated those jokes. Oh, me too. I lapsed and did one, and now that's immortalised forever. Oh, don't say I lapsed and did one. This is horrible.

That's another reason I'm not getting... So it's till tomorrow. That'll stop me getting alien work as well, that joke. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief now that Alan's parking's been sorted. Not sure it has.

It's been a long, ongoing thing about Alan's parking. And though he comes over as Mr North and down to earth, he's got poor... Charlie. Poor Charlie doing it. Yeah. It's like J-Lo in the house. It is.

I'm a high-maintenance diva and it's time you guys knew it. Is that what you drive, a high-maintenance diva? Yeah. That's right. A Vauxhall diva. Yeah. Needs a service like every ten miles. Oh, that'd be the perfect car for me, wouldn't it?

Enormous, enormous boot. Yeah. That's my dream car, Frank. A Vauxhall diva with a big boot. Yeah, yeah. That's my car. Make it someone. Make it Vauxhall.

Yeah, they could. You don't want Ford doing the Vauxhall diva. It'll get confusing. I've also had another comedy problem this week. On two different occasions, I said something utterly hilarious in conversation, and a person I was with said, Oh, I'm having that.

No. No. Were they a professional? No, they weren't professionals, but I don't want it to even happen in their normal everyday chat. Yeah, that's out of order. This has happened to you before as well, hasn't it? We've talked about this a few times.

It's outrageous. I'm thinking that I might have to go legal. I don't mean, you know, turning up at people's houses. It's just a letter. Just take a disclaimer with you and at the beginning of every conversation just make them sign it saying if anything is amusing then it's copyright frank skinned. I've always found it an odd thing to say though.

I'm having that. I'm having that. You wouldn't say that about, oh nice sofa, I'm having that. What's the difference? Surely a joke's more valuable than any piece of household furniture. Depending on your perspective then, yeah, I suppose so. Certainly. No, I'm with you on that.

I defriend someone who says that to me. What, I'm having that? Yeah. Well, I let one of them go. The other one I said, never ever say that to a professional comedian. You didn't say that. I did, yeah. Oh.

They got in the way. You know, sometimes people get... What did they say? You know, sometimes people get the backlash for the time you didn't say it. Oh, yeah. And you think, oh, second opportunity. Going hard. Yeah. It was like that. What about when a professional comedian said,

oh, I'll use that on my DVD? I mean, it's... About? About a joke I'd made. Oh, wow. I got nothing. Who was it? I refuse to say. Clues? But you know very well who it is. What about the... I know, yeah. I'm just going to see if I can squeeze it out of you. We can have a texting

and if they get it you have to say it's there no i wouldn't oh okay then yeah and another thing um i discover i love that tour you know when we talk about um the idiotic eureka moment when it takes a long time to get something yes were you both familiar with the word earworm yes absolutely absolutely i didn't hear that until this sunday just gone i had no idea what it was was it a hymn that was earworming you yeah it was and jesus is here is love which wouldn't be a bad title for a hero, actually. No. It's better than The Magnificat.

Well, I don't know. I like those feline-based cartoons. But I have a lot of earworms. Yeah, you do. In case anyone is in the same boat as me. Any Victorians listening? An earworm, I'm going to say anyway it's something that goes around around your head and uh you can't release for years i think sometimes i've got i've got things

i've been saying and singing oh since the 20s i'm in my 20s what have you got frank well the one that i've been doing i think since the the 70s, it isn't even musical. It's a quote from a snooker match I saw on the telly. And I would say I've said it 10,000 times or more. Yeah. And that is... You must be really good at it by now. Yeah, here it comes.

The game of chess played on the green bays. And I heard that said, and I just, I love, I love feeling it on my lips. Nice. The game of chess. It's brilliant. Try it at home. Let's all do it now together as a nation. If you want.

Okay, one, two, three. The game of chess. Played on the green bays. Oh, you'll all be hooked now. Bit of fun. Absolute. Absolute. Oh, you'll all be hooked now. Bit of fun. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think we've solved the mystery.

Charlie, can you not shuffle those papers, please? It's not news at ten. I think it's... Hey, leave Charlie alone. I think she's in a solid favour, sorting my parking out, OK? Did you do your solid? Is that your other household thing? She's paying a a solid favour, sorting my parking out, OK? Did you do you a solid? Is that your other household thing? She's paying a few bills and stuff.

He's not online yet. He's been using Charlie for years. No, that was me. Oh, yeah, sorry. We've solved the mystery of your joke. I say your joke. I never claimed it as my joke. OK.

The Telegraph, in case you just tuned in, have put me in their top 100 jokes, and I don't think it's my joke. Yes, I never claimed it as my joke. Okay. No. The Telegraph have, in case you just tuned in, have put me in their top 100 jokes and I don't think it's my joke. I wouldn't want to be in anyone's top 100 jokes. Uh, Nugget. Old Faithful has come forward with this piece of information. Good morning, Frank. The joke you've been

credited with, he puts credited in, uh, inverted commas, is often attributed to Peter Sellers. Laters. Okay. Well, this is how these things happen, isn't it? You know, a lot of the things that on this side of the ocean we accredit to Oscar Wilde, his witticisms

in America, a lot of them are credited to Dorothy Parker, apparently. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. So Frank's some sort of Dorothy Parker figure. He is a Dorothy Parker figure. I'm a friend of Dorothy. I've said it for years. Either way or either. That covers both options.

That thing about, well, we were just talking about being, this thing about I'm having that. Mm-hmm. Well, so was for 757, who says, the game of chess played on the green bays. I'm having that. That's a very good combo of this morning's theme well done now i um i uh i was i was talking about this the people say i'm having that if you say something funny yeah and uh and i asked alan about it and he said i'll never say anything funny i mean obviously it was being self-deprecating. I think I actually said, unless the spotlight

is on me. I meant offstage. Like, I don't say funny stuff in the dressing room. Unless he's being paid. No, that's it. But if, if, I, this is what happens. If someone says, I'm having that, I, for the rest of the conversation, I think of jokes. I think I'm not saying that. No.

That's brilliant. That's brilliant, I think, but I'm not saying it. I know someone who gets their phone out and says, oh, hang on a second. So then you have to pause whilst they write down what you said. I mean, I'm starting to think that, you know, the people who steal jokes, at least they've got the decency to keep it quiet.

Yeah. I mean, don't rub your nose in it. That's incredible, getting their phone out. There's something... I think there is something slightly patronising though, isn't it? It's as if to say I'm going to immortalise this little thing you've said.

Like I'm a little old lady in Aberdeenshire. You're lucky, like you've found a voice. Yeah. A little voice. It's an absolute scandal. And Daisy, I'm just giving you some of the conversation now, because I don't see why you should miss out, just because we're playing music. Yeah.

Daisy pointed out a very good point, that this is where you get the broken-hearted clown comedians. What? Like Tony Hancock. Right. In fact, he's got loads of funny stuff to say, he's just worried about people nicking him. He's just storming his tickets about. I mean, obviously, I suppose the suicide was pushing it a bit, but, um,

but, yeah, so maybe, I think you do get like that, you think I'm not gonna say anything, because, obviously, I suppose the suicide was pushing it a bit. But, yeah, so maybe, I think you do get like that. You think I'm not going to say anything because... We've actually had an email entitled Comedy Guilt, almost as if it knows what this is all about. I hope there's no U in that second word. Comedy Guilt? No, that was one of my autobiography chapters. No, there is a U. There is a U. It's G-U-I-L-T. Oh, I get it.

Hi, Frank M. Al. I went to a comedy club in a large city last night with a group of about 25 blokes on a stag do. Oh, I wish I'd been there. Yeah. Oh, I must speak to my manager. After two acts, there was an interval and we all left and went to a classy Australian bar to have a few drinks. Well done for that, though. Well done rather than sitting and talking through the rest of the act. Well, you're going to say well done for finding a classy Australian bar. He wants to know whether or not...

He says, as I sit here this morning eating my full English, or should that be British, given we get to keep Scotland, I can't help but feel a little guilty about leaving two large tables empty for the third act, who may or may not have been very good. Can you and the team let me know your thoughts on this? We were not the only ones in the club. There were about 70 others in there.

So there we go. What do we think? Generally, I'm happy if 25 blokes on a stag night leave. Yeah, so it sounds like you did the final act a civic duty there. Yeah, in fact, if you'd stayed, that would have been a neat little in microcosm, the Scottish referendum, wouldn't it? Yes.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Do you know what? I watched Glue, the new E4 drama. Yeah. I don't watch much drama on TV if it doesn't have aliens in it,

but this was a bit different because it was written by my brother-in-law. Someone has obligations. Turns out it was a bit of a scary whodunit oh yeah oh yeah and um i love a new i love a whodunit yeah me too who doesn't you just like the the person who done it to be alien that's our favorite i like that do you remember when i started reading agatha christie's and i had this thing that i i mean i like everybody i, I'm trying to, I want to get it. I like the way you said Agatha Christie's, like old ladies say Marx's. Yeah. I enjoyed that.

Yeah. Well, we, so here's my diplomatic question. I've already got a theory on who did it. Oh. Hang on. Episode one. Which is, who's first to what? One of how many? I'm not sure how many.

Oh. But as a few. You're certainly wrong if it's early on. Well, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not sure how many. Oh. But, um, there's a few. You're almost certainly wrong if it's early on. Well, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm wrong. I got Agatha Christie, um, sort of first couple of chapters. I got Broadchurch. Did you? Mm, quite early on.

I've noticed that. I'm good friends with the director. Oh, well, no, I don't have any inside info. I didn't know anything about it at all. And I could be completely wrong, which is fine. But here's my diplomatic question. Should I say, can I say to my brother-in-law, oh, I think it was blah, blah, because that bit went so-and-so, so-and-so.

Oh, I guess you get it, and then he goes... What if I get it? Yeah. Then he's going to feel... And what if he's got no poker face either? Yeah. That'll spoil your enjoyment. So he goes oh

what or falls out with you that falls out with you yeah you've been too clever i know that's gonna be smart alec as a brother-in-law he might not finish filming and then he might say i'm having that but it's difficult because you want it's hard not to join in with a whodunit, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, I like a whidunit. I like a whidunit. Oh, Columbo. You see the murderer at the beginning.

Actually, Columbo. I know I did it. Columbo, you get whodunit and whidunit in the first scene. Brilliant. It's perfect. But anyway, so what do you think? Do you think I should pretend that I haven't been guessing? I don't think you've got those levels of self-control.

You're right. Why am I even discussing this? I think you should take that snippet of Emily saying I don't think you've got those levels of self-control and just have it as a ringtone or something like that. What, you mean I'm having that? Yeah. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I like your denim jacket, Frank. I do. He's got his Absolute Radio lanyard round his neck. It's all gone a bit status quo roadie. I am a bit. I think I'm wearing comfort clothes today. No, you're that loyal roadie to Francis Rossi, and I think you turn a blind eye

guitar tech i beg your pardon guitar tech that kind of one who just looks after the guitars nice now i am i i be i'm i'm a bit worn out i've been working very hard this week and i put on comfort clothes you know when you get you know when you just want clothes that are light on the bottoms and heavy on the fleece? I call it electronic tag chic. Yeah, so I've gone... I'm all tracky bottoms, T-shirt, then all cuddly wiggly. If we didn't know better, I'd have thought you'd over-imbibed last night. Yes, no...

It's that sort of outfit. You know, I thought I'll just... Oh, God, I'll just put... Because I put this on to go to my son's football class yesterday because you don't want to turn up there in a suit looking like you're scouting for talent. Yeah, true. And so I put it on today.

And I was in the car coming in and suddenly, it's like that dream when you realise you're naked in the street. It felt like that. I thought, oh, my God, I've got dressed incredibly casual, out of doors. It's OK, there's no-one who'll judge you on your clothes here. Well, I know. I know that for a fact. Well, the other one of my other earworms, by the way... Oh, yeah.

Here's another one. This is from the film The Dresser with Albert Finney and Tom Courtney. I must have said this 20, 50,000 million times. No, sir, not a fellow. I just love it. Nice. Well, thanks. I occasionally have them with actual songs.

I know you do. I do. You've told me that you always sing Brass in Pocket when picking up money from the cash till, cash till, the ATM, the cash machine. Well, once I've got it, I sing Brass in Pocket because I feel like I can go anywhere now I've got money. Well, if I do that, then it then stays in my head for the day.

But I found myself, by sheer coincidence, getting money out of the cash machine whilst humming The Beatles' You Never never give me your money yes yours is more mournful when you're getting money out but it then stayed in my head and i i bought chocolate milk the other day and then for the rest of the day had cigarettes and chocolate milk the rufus wainwright song in my head do you mean when you say you bought chocolate milk, do you mean on the stock market? Yeah. Is it like, buy pork bellies? Is it one of those? I've really over-invested in choco milk. That's, um,

I think I should have gone short on it, and I went long on it. I don't know what I'm saying now. I don't know why it comes already mixed. No, I don't. I think it's just trying to make Nesquik look bad. Yeah. I often sing, um, I come from A Land Down Under.

Oh, dear. It's something to do with it. In that case, you must owe the person who wrote that children's song a lot of royalties. Yeah.

But I find it a good marching sort of song. It's a good rhythm, too. Marching band a song? Oh, God. How many more? I've paid my dues. Wild West Hero by ELO.

I've been singing... I'd say I've sung that every day for the last 30 years. Oh, hello. That's excellent. Thank you. See, some didn't notice, but I like to highlight it. I'm not having it. Have it.

I don't want it. I don't mind. No, I actually don't want it. But well done, anyway. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were talking about earworms, you were calling them, Frank. Yes.

Well, I didn't. I only found the word myself. OK, you were having that. Yeah. 016, a.k.a. Rich in Harlow, has texted us. My getting out of the bath, getting dry song is Mr. Bombastic. Not easy, that, I would have thought. But that's good to have one for that particular moment in your life.

How does it go again? How does it go, Al? Oh, don't put me on the spot. Oh, I know. I'll happily do it. Go on, do it. It can't be Mr. Bombastic. Oh, you've ruined it. You can't say, no, I don't know. Wait'll happily do it. Go on, do it. They call me Mr... Oh, you've ruined it.

You can't say, no, I don't know. Wait for me to come in and then ruin my Martin McCutcheon moment. The floor's yours. I think it was one of those, oh, no, honestly, I couldn't, no, no, really. And then they get up and they do karaoke. I was going to do a full little voice as well. They've got the dance moves as well as the lyrics. I'm going to come right out my shell there.

Go on, go on. They call me Mr Bombastic. Oh, sorry, I was trying to help you out there. Even though I don't remember it that well. You must remember, Al. I do remember it, yeah. Well, go on then. No, I don't like the singing. Oh, now he's gone shy again.

Yeah, I've gone shy again. Oh, keep up. Here's a question Do you get blonde beards? Oh Me particular You're sort of I wouldn't call you blonde Exactly

Like a Daniel Craig Would you call him a blonde? People who are properly Like if Boris Johnson If Boris Johnson... Midwich Cuckoos? If Boris Johnson grew a beard, would it be ginger rather than blonde? Yeah.

That's today's text in 8-12-15. Well, you know, Hulk Hogan, he's helped that moustache. That's not the natural colour, is it? No. I think he might have dyed his hair as well. What? Are you saying you don't get a white blonde beard? I don't think you get properly blonde beards. You don't.

You're absolutely correct. What? Why not? Why not? They tend to have a Henry VIII sort of, um, They do. Auburn sheen in them. They are.

They're, uh, You don't get them. That's my verdict. You don't get them. Anyone with a blonde beard, text in. Yeah. How can we verify that? Unless you're an 85-year-old woman living in Plymouth.

Then basically that's your business. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skeener on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text us on 81215. You know you like to. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I think we got an explanation via Twitter of the blonde beard. Well, we did. Or the non-blonde beard phenomenon. Mm-hm. What it's to do with is the recessive gene, Frank.

Mmm, I don't really... They're into science here, aren't they? No, she was talking about your jacket. The recessive gene. You need to ask Professor Brian Cox. OK. I nearly got his name wrong then. Would have been awful.

Chris Waller says the ginger gene is recessive in head hair but not beard hair, which is why so many of us have ginger beards. OK. So you don't get blonde beards, I'm right? Or they're rarer. I think he's saying that they're fewer. OK.

What, ginger beards? Yeah, no, blonder beards. Full blonde. Nicole Kidman. I'm just saying, she doesn't have a beard, though, in fairness. I think she was a beard for a while. So I can't say ginger beards. Anyway, it's been a big week.

Oh, yeah. We haven't been able to talk about this for ages. We had a ban, didn't we? We had a ban on... Because of the political fairness. We couldn't say the word yes or no. Oh, that was awkward last week when Frank said yes. Turned out he'd just been offered a tea he wasn't talking about.

I know, but the idea is if we'd spoken about it on... It's just this show. Yeah. Every other show. If we'd spoken about the referendum, we could have swayed the population in some way. Yeah. Because of our legendary political insights.

Exactly. So we had to keep quiet. But now the gloves are off. Yeah. I mean, Andy Murray was accused of swaying the vote by tweeting in a way that seemed like he was pro-independence and he's had a lot of hate from the union people. Never mind that. What about poor Judy's chances? He's ruined it now.

I think that's why he did it. I think he was pro-independence because he wanted his mum to be the first properly Scottish winner of Strictly. That's what he was after, like that. Then we don't have to shit it. Yeah, but now, everyone... Will people turn against her? They might. They might do that.

She's not going to be happy. No, I'm guessing that's a general thing. First dance to My Love, Kintyre, apparently. Is that right? Yeah, that's what it will be. Really? Far have I travelled and lost have I seen. That's the tennis circuit summed up, isn't it? Yeah.

I think she's going to be good on it, you know. I won't be surprised if she wins. There you go. Early tip. I think one of the reasons as well we haven't mentioned it is that if you offer any sort of opinion on it, you are liable to get kidnapped and beaten up and your body burnt on waste ground. Is that right? Yeah, I think it has got a bit tense in a way that the general election in the Great Britain general election is a bit dull.

Yes. In lots of ways. I think this was really, you know, fighting on the streets. They're a fiery folk. Yeah. That's right, yeah. Oh, yes. Don't you sound English when you talk about them in that way? They are a fiery folk.

When you call anyone folk, you're sort of saying that they're a bit simple. Ricky laughs Yeah, it's, but you know, it's, everyone's saying it's not, that the result wasn't that, uh, I can't, I think the people of Scotland who wanted independence should look to Susan Boyle, who came second in a national poll and yet went on to be an international recording star. Yeah, the most successful of it.

Yeah, whereas the people that won, which I think were... What was that dance troupe? Diversity. Diversity. Diversity. They've done well. Oh, I've worked with them. Can I just accredit Daisy for that? Because I'm not a thief. Yeah.

But they've done well, but not as well as Subo, who's gone through the ceiling. She has gone. I think she did actually go through the ceiling. And they had to change the whole design of the cell. She worked out that those loose panels, she could get into the air ventilation. Isn't it all a bit awks for them, though?

Awks? All these Scottish people now. All these Scottish people? Oh, no, you're one of them. I am, sort of. I just think, when so many of you have said you're not interested, you're just not that into us, it's just a bit awkward. It's a bit like that moment in a relationship

when you're nearly split up and you don't, but it's always there after. I think it might have been, yeah. I think it might be a bit like that. One of my favourite things about the whole thing was just the Scottishness of the news. Like in England, when they show photographs of the church halls that are being used to vote in, there's always a sign outside that says polling station, isn't there?

Polling station. In Scotland, it literally says polling place. They call it a polling place, not a station. Is it like on the... It's so literal. It's the place where you go for your polling. Is it? Why don't they call it the voting place?

That would have been English. That would be great, wouldn't it? But that sounds like they're slightly patronising the look. I mean, do you remember... I think it's very bullseye. On bullseye, yeah, where they didn't say geographics, it was too complicated a word. So if you chose it as a topic, Jim would say, places.

I think they might have had sums as well. No. The spelling, even spelling was called words. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about Alex going? Oh, yeah. That's pretty noble.

It is. I think walking away is pretty noble to say, okay, I lost. Although I thought there was a little element. An element of you don't deserve me about it. I do. Which I also quite like. Yeah, I like that. It's the sort of thing I'd do, completely

close your career down on the strength of one stropper. The good thing is... I don't think that's quite what's happening, but yeah. Isn't it? No, I don't think it is. I think he's slightly deflecting from the deflation. Deflecting from the deflation?

Yeah, you heard. I think, you know, everyone's going to be a bit sad and he's kind of gone... Is this his default deflection from the... Yeah. OK. Exactly. He's focusing the troops somewhat, I think.

What was handy, Al, was that he's got the ready-made expression for defeat. Yes. He's got the child line drawing of the mouth. Yes. It's the one line. Yeah. I've got to tell you about Alex Salmond. Did I ever tell you?

I saw him interview Ian M. Banks at the book festival in Edinburgh. Well, I did spend the whole time thinking, there is no English politician I can think of who's this bright, funny, all-competent. He was brilliant. Really? So I did spend the first ten minutes thinking it was Mark Fowler from EastEnders.

But, no, he's a sharp... He's going to be on the big... You know when they did the lecture thing and met millions like Briarow? Oh, yeah. Well, I heard that he could have made millions because originally he was an oil economist and he could have joined that lot and made fortunes.

Yeah, but I think he realised, hang on, that oil's Scottish. And so I think that was the beginning of his S&P. I don't like salmon in oil. No, I don't. Tomato sauce. Well, now we're going to get sturgeon. It's a very fishy thing, isn't it? I was shocked.

Sorry, Frank. I was going to say, when he made his statement, I know it's not his fault, but he started it by saying, I spoke to the Prime Minister today. I always think they're name-dropping a bit when they say that. Clang! Did you just say your statement? You don't have to say that you spoke to the prime minister she just said that and then moved on and talked about something else yeah

yeah but my immediate thought is i i i spoke to the german chancellor hitler but i think yes if there is a there is a sort of tradition of starting us yeah i thought it was pretty cool to walk, actually. It was like, you know, I was banking on this, this is what I wanted, and now I'm walking away. It's really pretty dramatic. Yeah, I like it. You know, like Mike Tyson, so they carried him out on his shield.

Actually, Mike Tyson more or less sort of dwindled away and became a vegan. Did he? He's a vegan now, I think, Mike Tyson. Is he really? Yeah, I think it was the ear that put him off. Yeah. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, one of the things I enjoyed the most about this whole Scotland thing... Scotland Gate, shall we call it? Yeah. ..was Mary Berry. In Scotland Y shall we call it. Was Mary Berry. In Scotland Yard. Mary Berry.

Oh, yes. Who said a very brilliantly old lady-ish thing. She said, we're a family, we should stay together. Which I thought was a bit of a most EastEnders approach to politics. There's been a lot of that. Even Rod Stewart, I was absolutely convinced would be yes. Oh, so yes. He's very brave, Rod Stewart, I was absolutely convinced would be yes. Oh, so yes. He's very brave, Rod Stewart. He said

he'd hate to see the union broken after all these years. Yeah. As he added in the mail, said the Maggie May rocker. Who lives in LA. They could have added. Does he live in LA? I think so, yeah. I'm guessing. There were lots of celebrity tweets. You know, the papers

always pick up on them as you've observed Frank, as if that's news. Yes. What did Boise have to say about it? Well, Chris Evans said it appears we're still one nation under a groove. Happy Friday, everyone. Hmm. Okay. Did he then say, here's Ocean Coliseum?

Did he mean Grove, here's Ocean Coliseum? Did he mean Grove? Was he on about referring to the mass forestation of Great Britain? Piers Morgan said, it's the new. Did he? Is Mary Berry Scottish? Can I ask that? Is she Scottish?

Oh, like posh Scottish, those ones. Yeah, is she one of those or is she yet another English person voicing what they think the Scottish should think because that was Alright Glasgow But you see if somebody leaves you you are allowed to say please don't go

Yeah I don't know I thought there was too many English voices saying what the Scots should think and Mary Berry for me You're just worried about going back to Scotland and then your family beating you up. To me, Mary Berry was the icing on the cake. There we go, we've got there. We've got there and that's it.

We can move on. I like Julian Fellows, who talks sense. Lord Julian Fellows. Is he? Is he a lord? Yes. I don't think he always talks sense, but I liked it when he said, we will discuss...

What we should have said at the start is we'll discuss all the terms if and when you vote for independence. We hope you don't. He said that English people shouldn't tell the Scots what to think. Well, you've gone very... I like that. Well, can I tell you what I think? I think we, we know how you think. You've had your little vote. It's now time for us to decide whether we want you. That would be perfect. There's going to be some changes around here. I'd be fine with that. No, look, you two, just stop it now.

We don't want to encourage roction here. We are, rightly or not, we are now a family together. I'm surprised the yes vote didn't win, because I've met a lot of Scottish people in London and they're always asking for change. Hank! The Crankies, they asked the Crankies, they refused to comment.

Is that true? They live in Torquay now. Couldn't get much further away. Tax exiles. Yeah, exactly. I don't think they pay tax there. Yeah, it's true. I can't believe, again, all the people you think are going to be there on the ballot. I thought they'd be out campaigning. The crankies.

Yeah. Do you think they were asked not to by the yes voters? And the no voters. Yeah. Van Dabber nosy. Van Dabber nosy. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. Apparently the Telegraph wrongly attributed a joke to Bill Murray in the same list. There's also one that they've given to Ricky Gervais, which I suspect doesn't sound very... Have they just randomly put them into a hat and then put names on them? I think that sometimes happens, you know. Does it? I think there is a...

I mean, it's not for me to say that there is a certain sloppy journalism when it comes to lists of jokes being attributed, you know. And also, you can't really legislate for people that have stolen a joke off someone else, can you? How do they know? They don't watch that much Standard. They could have done the top 100 all to Pasquale.

They could. Anyway, let's go on a little journey it's email corner it sure is where we read emails that have been sent to the show good morning frank emily and alan emily's account of trying to get a cappuccino in a hotel oh this is when you were we read emails that have been sent to the show. Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Emily's account of trying to get a cappuccino in a hotel, oh, this is when you were told no, basically, or I don't know. No, I asked, he said, we only do coffee and tea. I said, can I have a cappuccino? No, we only do coffee. Basic misunderstanding.

He then said, I'd better check with the manager. It became an international incident. And you said, I'm not bothered now, I don't want it after all. Oh, no, I got better check with the manager. It became an international incident. And you said, I'm not bothered now. I don't want it after all. Oh, no, I got my cappuccino in the end. Good for you. Emily's account of trying to get a cappuccino in a hotel is similar... Well done. ...is similar to something that happened to my sister, Sarah,

at a family meal recently. The waiter asked us for our drinks order. Sarah asked, is the rosé sweet or dry? The waiter looked at Sarah, emotionless, and said, I don't know. Something good about that, though, isn't there? Isn't there? Sarah was a little perplexed, but smiled and asked,

is there someone who would know? The waiter, still with no emotion, said no. Sarah decided to have something else. No, there must be in the world there is. Yeah, good point. Perhaps this is how the service industry is evolving. Very blunt, factual responses. I hope this makes Emily feel a little better about her experience.

Matt 334. It sounds like they have a staff trapped in the prison of their own ignorance. To be honest, I may be declaring my own ignorance, but I didn't realise that you could get rosé anything other than rosé. I wouldn't think to ask sweet or dry. I would just think rosé's rosé and white wine is sweet or dry. Yes. I just thought rosé was rosé.

It's another Del Boy approach to life thought rosé was rosé. It's another Del Boy approach to life. Rosé's rosé. Well, I hate wine. You love wine. I like non-alcoholic wine. You love your wine. Do you like white or red, non-alcoholic? It's white.

Oh, is it? I once asked Davy Ginola I was speaking with Herr Hitler this morning. Oh, is it? Okay. I once asked David Ginola... Clang. I was speaking with Hitler this morning. I once asked David Ginola whether Rosé was red and white mixed together.

He looked honestly like I'd said something terrible about his sister. That is a ridiculous thing to say. He had a bug in the chest. Did he? That's a Zinedine Zidane reference. Yes. Yeah, he looked really...

He said, what are you talking about? Did he? Yeah, really. Never seen your impression of an angry David Ginola before. Well, I'm still a work in progress, I'll be honest with you. I'm having that. Can I go to email too, please, Frank? Yes. Before you do, I just think it is good if the service industry does do that. Can I go to email too please Frank? Yes

Before you do I just think it is good if the service industry does do that It's almost like a version of good parenting Because apparently good parenting is only ever give them a choice of two things Like you either want this or you want this If you say to a child which socks do you want to wear you'll be there for three hours If you say pink socks or red socks, that's it. You get an answer much, much faster. But I think a waiter saying, do you want tea or coffee?

Not seven different coffees. I've got a credit card with a reasonable limit on it. I demand choice. OK, fair enough. Well, I was once... I went for dinner with Dame Diana Rigg. Clang. Speaking with the Prime Minister this morning. And she ordered... This has been your most name-droppy section of the show ever. with Dame Diana Rigg. Clang. I was speaking to the Prime Minister this morning.

And she ordered... This has been your most name-droppy section of the show ever. She ordered a bottle of wine, and it did take a long time, a coming, I must say. And this bloke went past, who I think was, like, one of the Major D, like, one of the senior people. Major D? You called him Major D? Yeah, whatever. He was military.

What's a Major Domo, then? Major D? It's called a Major D, darling. What's a Major Domo then? Major D, it's called a Matra D, darling. What's a Major Domo? I don't know. It's not a musical thing. I don't know. It sounds like a cartoon character. Readers out there, what's a Major Domo? 8, 12, 15. That's General Jumbo, you're thinking of. Anyway, so she grabbed this bloke when he went

past, I mean, by the arm, in a vice-like grip. She gripped him the way that clasp on a, you know, the benefit cheek crutches you get from the NHS. She clasped it, clasped him on the forearm. Clasped him on the forearm. And he looked startled. She grabbed

him that hard and he said, she said, I ordered a bottle of wine some time ago from one of your waiters. I'm worried he may have fallen. That is the way to complain in a restaurant. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have an email. This is Keith from Brom, living in Germany. It's not our Keith, is it? Well, this is perhaps your... Living in Germany.

Woke up in Germany. It would have said. Living in Germany as of this morning. Got drunk, woke Living in Germany. Woke up in Germany. It would have said. Living in Germany as of this morning. Got drunk, woke up in Germany. Morning, Keith. I'm a reader living in Germany. Okay. Frank was talking about the feeling you get

when you have a great excuse for not being on time. Oh, yes, that was in one of our shows recently. Is this when you got hit by a bus? Yeah, I was hit by a bus. I'm not lying to an apartment. He was in a car, in fairness. Yeah, right. I arrived late one day at my future English mother-in-law's.

I'd been driving to visit them and approached a set of traffic lights as a lorry went through on Amber. Oh. Just before jumping the lights, the truck discharged a large box. I immediately thought, great, this is going to be my lucky day. Stereo, telly, speakers. I've got 70s. No, it was three 10-kilogram boxes of washing powder.

Oh, a result. I arrived at my destination and gave my future mother-in-law two boxes. Thanks, Keith. Where did you get them, she asked. Do you think she said, oh, thanks, Keith. Where did you get them? It was like that, wasn't it? The future mother-in-law, oh, thanks, Keith, where did you... Yeah, an air of suspicion. Yeah, Keith. Where did you get them? I bet it was like that, wasn't it? The future mother... Oh, thanks, Keith.

Where did you... Yeah, an air of suspicion. Yeah, definitely. He said... Flotsam, he said. No, he said they fell off the back of a lorry. I replied, waiting for the drum roll. Oh, excellent.

They fell off the back. Brilliant. Yeah. No praise for the show. Thanks, Keith. Okay. Fell off the back of a lorry. Of course, what he could have said, well, it's personal, but for a few. Thanks, Q. OK. Fed off the back of a... Of course, what he could have said, well, it's personal,

but for a few seconds they were aerial. Oh! That could have been in the top one, don't it? Could have, yeah. At least it's clean. I think more like... Maybe 129, darling, that one. OK.

Well, a similar thing happened to me. I saw this big thing fall off the back of a lorry, and I went over and opened it up. It's three illegal immigrants. And they've lived with me... They've lived with me ever since. What's wrong with you? As equals.

Yeah. Is this how you first met Lance, the chap that you were talking about a few months ago? No, no, this is Pedro. All right. Pedro. My legal immigrant from Barcelona. I better not name...

We can't give them the real names. No. Just call them all Pedro. That's fairer, isn't it? But anyway, they keep themselves to themselves. We never had any problems. Mm-hmm. A lot of people would have turned them in, not Frank.

No. Instead, you turned them to work, didn't you? No, no, they live as equals. Oh, do they? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice, isn't in, not Frank. No. Instead you turned them to work, didn't you? No, they live as equals. Oh, do they? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Free childcare. Nice. Well, let's not beat around the bush. I don't know, I mean, the first day I couldn't get a recliner in the garden was the only time I thought

maybe I've been overgenerous here, but generally they're, you know, you couldn't ask for better. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 772 has texted us. I know we're an email corner, but can we just

go on the little hard shoulder for Darren Spiteri from East Tilbury. Morning, Darren. You don't make many Spiteris unless you're working on TFI Friday. Yeah, exactly, unless you're Chris Evans. A, morning down. You don't make many spiteris, unless you're, unless you're working on TFI Friday. Yeah, exactly,

unless you're Chris Evans. A major domo. Did you say duomo or domo? No, domo. Okay. I know what the duomo is, I've been up it.

Well, you say that, but you don't know what a maitre d' is. A major domo is like a personal servant. Ah. As Bib Fortuna is to Jabba the Hutt. Ah, so,

so, a maitre d' is like a head waiter? Mm-hm. Oh, he's more than that. What is he? Well, he runs the gaff. Is he? Yeah.

Oh, I thought he was a head waiter. Well, I think of him as... He's a greeter as well. He's everything. OK. Bit of a greeter. Cry baby. I suppose if a maitre d' is a bit of a feeder.

Yeah. If you think about it. We also had a text in earlier from Ben in Blackpool. Please don't talk about Justin Bieber today. It's a great show and it just ruins it. Why don't you talk about important things? Thank you. We don't normally read praise,

but given that it's also got an attack, we're allowed, aren't we? Well, it's mainly an attack. It's secondary praise. It's all right. I think you make a fair point. We have talked about the Scottish referendum today, which is important. We have, yeah. And we've done

that with a level of seriousness that I think only Radio 4 can match. Yeah, and whether or not they're a blonde beard. So, you know, we've touched on some of the big issues. Indeed. No, thanks. I'm just, no change. Yeah, it's a fair point. And now we'll sashay back onto email corner.

Hi, Frank M. Al. I was recently remembering... Et al. Et al, they could say. Indeed, yeah. I was recently remembering fondly the time when ASAP was only ever found in written form. Back then, the letters were always capitalised and separated firmly with a full stop.

However, now people not only write it consecutive lowercase letters, but they actually say it. OK, get there ASAP, they say, or ASAP. Oh, ASAP is awful. Get there ASAP. Can Frank and the team think of any other words and or phrases that once existed solely in written form, but have now entered common vernacular?

Love the new email corner jingle, BTW. Now, there, I don't know if that's them doing a little joke. Do you think that's them? Oh, BTW. BTW. But do people say BTW in conversation? Well, we do in our family, but I think it started as irony and has become one of those things that we now do.

So even my son would say BTW. Like OMG. OMG is fun. Emily says FYI. Yes fyi yes all the time regularly we're big fans but you haven't made it a word you are saying the letters does that still count you know what i mean yeah you don't go fyi no i don't you're correct that would make you sound even more plummy it'd be preposterous if you turned around and went, I like even more plummy.

I like even more plummy and then saying it would be preposterous. Well, get you, you're leaking out, my friend, by the sounds of it. People do say IE now, don't they, in conversation? David Brent. Don't people say IE? I don't know. I don't like people that say IE. You say par example, don't you? You wouldn't say IE? I don't know. Yeah. I don't like people that say IE. Well, you say par example, don't you? You wouldn't say IE.

I do say par example. Oh! Do you know what? The little attempt at the accent at the end is heartbreaking. But I love it. I love a bit of French. Oh, I love it. I love a bit of French.

What does IE stand for? It's Latin. Is it an example? It's Latin. That should be IL. No. I'm so nitpicky. Wouldn't it be great if it stood? It's Latin. That should be I-L. No. I'm so nitpicking. Wouldn't it be great if it stood for It's Latin?

Is it Idris Elba? Can I? Seems unlikely. In excelsis. We're going to get so many emails and texts now telling us what I-E stands for. Good. It's fine, isn't it? I predict an influx.

We've got the U in Google. And I like an influx. An I-F. It's what I call U-gle, if you remember. Yes. I predict an influx. We've got the U and Google. And I like an influx. An IF. It's what I call U-gle, if you remember. Yes. Yeah, it's good. I want to know. I'd like to know. What do you think?

All right? Is that a quote? There used to be a band in Dudley who were very much like The Four. I remember they used to do a song and the thing was, I'd like to know, and that became one of my earworms. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily Dean, Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We have had texts. We have indeed. We got texts.

We were wondering what... You got mail? Yeah. I love what an old-fashioned concept that is now. Yeah. We, collectively, were wondering what IE stands for. And various people, boffins I'm going to call them, various Latin speakers have texted in. I think they speak Catholics.

Or people who know how to put Wikipedia. Yes. No, no, never. They would never Google this. Come on. We've no way of proving that. IE stands for id est, Latin for that is. I like id est. I should have known that, I did Latin. I'm going to start saying id est. Did you do Latin?

Did I? No. Did you, Frank? Did I? No. Oh, extraordinary. Yeah. But, you know, I did lots of other stuff. Id est. History.

Places. Places. Words. Sums. Did you do sums? I did sum. Yeah? We've also had a text saying lol. Now, was that me saying sum, S-O-M-E,

or was I doing, like, you do the math? Or was I taking the S off sums? Was history on Bullseye? Perhaps people? No, not history. I think it must have been. It's probably called past. No, I think history was too hard.

Was it? Yeah. History, no. We were talking about words that have become, acronyms that have become words, like, what was the one that we just had that email that said ASAP? Oh, yeah. ASAP. And someone has just texted... Don't people say ASAP?

ASAP. No. You make it sound like Aladdin. I thought they said ASAP. Oh, yeah. ASAP. And someone has just texted... Don't people say ASAP? ASAP. No. You may sound like Aladdin. I thought they said ASAP. ASAP. ASAP. 483 has texted LOL. Oh, yeah, people do say LOL.

It began as laugh out loud in text form, but people now say it. And them texting it just made me think that we were doing a funny show. What worries me about this is the word lol in order to so you know that you know to relax in a sort of oh yeah double l l o double now that i think that one might get bullied out by the by the news you're right i mean technically you could lol and lol simultaneously you could lol around if you were someone who went to a lot of comedy gigs yeah when people say lol in a church well I just write them off when they say that. As in the laugh out loud. It's like when you say something and

someone says funny. Oh yeah. I hate that. It's also going to become a problem for people called Lawrence who shorten it to lol which is a thing isn't it? I worked with someone once who was called lol. I mean that was his name lol oh that's another yeah lauren what about iht iht i'm having that i'm good i'm gonna start putting lol on the end of texts and emails but l-o-l-l right meaning have a lie down what sort of thinking obviously if someone gets a text from me or an email they probably sit bolt upright while reading it. You know as a sign of respect. Respect? And then I can say right you've finished. You are. You've finished reading it now lol. As you can lol

again. It's fine. Like a sort of a military version of stand down. Yeah. At ease. At ease. Frank thinks when his texts come to us Like POTUS That's another one POTUS President of the United States You didn't watch your West Wing Who is the President of the United States That's this morning's texting

On Magic FM. It's got to be easy. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio. We were just watching Gordon Brown do a speech. Yeah. God, he's changed now. He looks like a bloke who's, he looks so I'm back. Oh, he's happy. He's back in the building.

Oh, man. He's thinking, OK, I messed up the Great Britain thing, but I've got downsides. In Scotland, I can be massive. He can be big. Reminds me of when I came into radio from television. He's big in Japan. He's getting a bit...

You know that the faux pas is just around the corner. He's getting a bit confident. He's dropping his guard. Oh, dear. I find him quite attractive now. The self-assurance. I like it. Yeah.

He's got his mojo back. It won't last. But anyway... Oh, I tell you, we haven't discussed one of my favourites this morning. Gerard Depardieu. Have you heard the latest? I have too. Do you mean Gerard Depardieu?

Depardieu. No, I mean Gerard Depardieu. He... Well, you say no, but then you came to me a bit with the pronunciation, I felt. I felt you... Okay. The secret with French, in my experience... Oh, yeah. Oh, I think we need to play that jingle.

Parlez-vous français? The secret with French, in my experience. Have you ever walked over hot coals? No. Well, look... Okay. Have you ever walked over hot coals? No. Well, look, um... Okay. If you've, uh... He's trying to find some jingle. If you've, uh... That's what it is. I am, but it's not

working. Okay. If you've, uh... Thanks, Daisy, for letting me down. Um, if you've ever walked over hot coals, what you have to do is you have to walk really quickly so your feet barely touch them. That's the way I... Oh, is that what you do with French, then? That's what you do with the consonants in French lovely can i ask you a question do you speak french well stick around so when you see the name let's say let's call it gerard de padieu yes stretching

out in front you run but you try to you're on the initials but basically you try to not not not even touch uh-huh the concept you're gone you try to not even touch the content. You're gone, you're there, you're at the end. Not a burn, not a little bit of black on the big toes, but that's it. That's my secret for French. Relax. Does it actually work? Have you been to France and spoken it

under the... Of course I have. Not. I always think actually going to France will spoil the whole thing. Right. Don't you find that with countries generally you can read the books and watch a film set there and read a book set there, you know, lovely, and then you go there and it's rubbish. It's like Scotland. Hey.

So, I love Scotland. I spend a lot of time there. Yeah. Do you? No. Okay. So, Gerard de Badiou. Gerard. Gerard de Badiou. Yeah. To you? No. Okay. So, Gerard de Bourdieu. Gerard.

Gerard de Bourdieu. Yeah. He's been competitive with the accent. We're all pronouncing it a bit French, but he's Russian now. He's Russian, to be honest. So what should we say? But that's not the story. The story is he drinks up to 14 bottles of wine a day.

Well, that's a story. He says that he does. He says, I can absorb 12, 13, 14 bottles a day. Can I say, as a person who's been through the heavy drinking mill, a little clue to someone who drinks a lot is when instead of the word drink, they use the word absorb. I love the word absorb. It makes it sound more organic.

I loved it. It means if he could sit in a bath of it and it entered the pores of his skin, he'd be just as happy. He does make himself sound like a science experiment somehow. He is. He's the control for the rest of the human race. He says in the morning it starts with champagne and red wine before 10am. How can he get up before 10am if he's drinking? He probably has to set the alarm to get his quota in. No, I think

that's the first big wee of the day for the drinker. Oh, is it? So he's already up. He thinks, well, should I go back to Ben or should I have a bottle of wine? To hell with it. Plan B. Yeah. He's lovable though for all this, don't you think?

Yeah. There's something about him, isn't there? I've got to play some adverse, but we'll come back to Gérard. Yeah, shall we? He's becoming a friend of the show. Hopefully he'll replace Bieber, and that other person will be keen with that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm very interested. 14 bottles of... Actually, 14 bottles of wine, but he says about in the evenings he'll sometimes have a bit of vodka and stuff. And whisky. Just to... Pasties, like you, like pasties. Mixing up a bit.

He also says he's never totally drunk. I'm finding this very difficult to believe. I mean, 14 bottles of wine is about 20 pints, I think. I mean, that's a lot. I know it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? I like that you have to measure it in pints. Who drinks pints? I mean, you couldn't drink 14 pints of, like, a weak beer a day.

But wine is, like, three times stronger than that. It's a lot of... To be fair, he looks great on it, though. He does, yeah. So smelt and alabaster skin. I'll tell you what I've always thought about him. He looks... If Paul Merson had been raised by apes,

he would have looked like Gerard de Baudieu. But apparently the secret is, he says, all you need is a ten minute nap and voila, a slurp of rosé wine and I feel as fresh as a daisy. He's like the Galloping Gourmet with some recipe and voila. Ten minute nap. Ten minutes. Ten. What he's talking about is concussion.

And he says, anyway, I'm not going to die, not now, I still have energy. Well, I'm not sure you can predict that. You're not going to die, but you did mess yourself on an aeroplane. Did I? Yeah. And also I think the one thing that is definitely true of this is that he is going to die at some point. That's true. It's just for fact.

His behaviour was condemned by a French mental health expert. I like this guy. Why? Michel Lejoyeux who blasted French attitudes to the heavy consumption of alcohol and the media's admiration of his alcohol intake, he said, a consumption of 14 bottles a day is beyond all data, all thresholds.

I like that. Like, this guy's off the scale. I love it. Imagine being all data and off the scale. Brilliant. It said that his doctor had asked him how much he drank a day. And he said, he began by saying

something like, okay, get ready. He gave him a bit of a sit down. Sit yourself down. But I'll tell you what I would like to have a look at. I didn't know he had a range of wristwatches. Oh, yeah. He does. He has a range of wristwatches called Proud yeah. He does. Brilliant. He has a range of wristwatches called Proud to be Russian. Yeah.

Yeah. PTR. I like that. It makes it sound like being Russian is some kind of oppressed minority, rather than not being Russian, being an oppressed minority. He's also got those Proud to be Alcoholic sleeping bags. Nice, yeah. But he became Russian as a protest

against the French tax laws, I believe. Yeah. Spacey's got quite a few old Thresher's bills to pay. They closed one odd bins in Paris near him, and that was enough to send him off on one. What about his recycling bins? Imagine the noise when

he takes those bottles out. You presume he takes them out. I imagine they're just, he's getting near the ceiling in his house. Over the bottle. I mean, I shouldn't think he ever puts clothes on. He's just lying on a lot of empty bottles in his house. We shouldn't... Can I say to any young people listening,

this is not the way to live your lives. Is that fair? If you want. It worked alright for you. It's done alright for Gerard Depardieu. He's one of those rare ones that will go on forever because he's got an iron. He can't drink like a normal person.

Do you know he's got an iron? Has he got an iron? Is it any old iron? He hasn't switched it yet. He has got one. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. A bit of breaking

news, and I'm not going to self-publicise. We sort of have a secret rule on this show, that you don't use it to publicise your tour or any of your major television appearances. No, I've never mentioned that I'm on Doctor Who. Never, never even graced the airwaves, has it? But as you know, I live in Manchester and...

Oh, Manchester I've recently done my Edinburgh Festival show in Edinburgh, but this week it's been agreed that it's going to transfer to... I was enthralled. Oxford Clarian, I think it is. Nice, thanks very much. I don't read my own press, but cheers. I'm glad that the Oxford Clarion came along. I've booked it in for a week in London, and I'm not trying to self-publicise,

but I will just say that it's in a theatre in Soho. I won't say which one, but it's a theatre in Soho. And it's occurred to me that it's going to be the first chunk of time that I'm in London for about a year. I think I'm going to be here for a full week. Can I ask a question? When is it on? I think it's sometime in November. This is like the Mike Yarwood show or something,

when they do that chat at the end. Anyway, I thought... Can I ask a question? I thought, since I haven't been in London as, like, a tourist... Emily's eye light has just gone off in the studio. Ladies and gentlemen, this is me, he used to say at the end. Don't reference my work. I was going to say, what should I do during the day?

Obviously, I've got to stay sober, not spend too much money and not do stuff that might injure me. Like, you know the footballers are encouraged to play golf because it's active leisure, keeps them out of trouble. Yes. Time consuming. And because they're a bit thick. And golf because it's active leisure. Keeps them out of trouble. And because they're a bit thick. And because they're thick, yeah. Some of them, not all. Yeah, not all. What, it's a good day out in London.

Should I go to galleries and do all that stuff? I used to live here, so I'm not like a complete rookie. I know my way around the tube. You can't go wrong with a gallery. Can't go wrong with a gallery. Me and Kath used to go to the National Gallery, but we used to do a room at a time. Clever.

We'd go in, we'd make a rule, because I think you can OD on art. Yes. It's very exhausting if you do too much. Yes. So you do one room. What we'd do, we'd do one room, we'd go round separately looking at all the stuff,

and then we would meet in the centre of the room when we were done we would decide um which painting we each liked best and then we would go back and have another look at those before we went just when you met in the middle were you playing yourselves or was this some kind of weird role-playing thing that you did but you then pretended to not know each other you went off to a hotel is that is that what took place well i like watching i like looking at art on my own i don't like people going like looking at art on my own i've heard that before ex-boyfriend yes i would recommend that look at all the all the paintings and then decide which one you like best and then

announce that it's quite weird. Al's right. It's a bit like spies when you gather again on those sites. I use a similar system in orphanages. Oh, dang. We pick ones we like best, then we have another look at them and then we go home. No, honestly, I'd recommend

that. Alright, good. And it's free. Have I won you over? Yeah, I'm in. I'm writing that down. Okay, I mean, hold on, I have to do my professional things. Hold on, I'm doing my professional thing. Can't you tell by just my body language? No, funnily enough, I can't. I've gone a bit

Gordon Brown overconfident. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I enjoyed that. I think... We don't normally read out this sort of thing, but somebody has emailed saying,

I'm highly offended by the comments made against Scottish people this morning and will no longer be tuning in. Oh, no. I don't think there's been any. No. I don't think there's been any that's that bad. And I say that as a Scotsmanotsman deep down under the yorkshire accent friendly leg pulling as well i apologize for calling any offense but if you liked it you

should have put a ring on it um so we've had some suggestions it's no good talking to this person because they're not listening exactly there's no point in offering this apology to someone that isn't anymore tuning in no i believe i pointed out that Alex Salmond seemed to be brighter and funnier than any English politician. And I said I'd been to Scotland. Yeah, that's it, you mocked him. Fair play to you, you chuck in your A-penneth. Alan's been asking for recommendations.

And we had a good one, actually. We just had a text from Gary675. Morning, top team and the fabulous Miss M. I would suggest to Alan to take in some shows. Matinees, of course. Actually, I could probably manage an evening show. I don't think my own little offering is going to start until 10pm. Late.

You'd struggle to get in an evening show before that. Maybe, yeah. But maybe one that starts at 7 and just goes right through with no interval. I could bash through it, couldn't I? Matinee is a good one. You could get a Saigon in. When I was in art at the Wyndham's Theatre. I was talking with Herr Hitler this morning. Whenever people

said to me, or any of us, how long is the show, we'd say, well, it's about 95 minutes or 65 on the Wednesday matinee. I thought it was shorter than that art, didn't it? It was an hour and a half, basically. Was it really? In two sections?

No, no, no interval. No interval. The theatre never forgave us for that. Drink sales, you see, dear. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. We've had a recommendation from Dan Skipsy on Twitter, who says, Alan, the Science Museum in Kensington

is good for a day out and it's free nice cost of the food is astronomical though okay i'll take a packed lunch now astronomical is that is that a pun i believe so oh that's very good i didn't get that i just thought it was a word to the wise right i'm making out of that if we're all going to put our cards on the table we all know that science is the dullest subject. No, Science Museum's good, Frank. I know, but you know, everyone now pretends. David Baddiel, I have a running argument with him now.

He's suddenly gone on the science bandwagon and started saying he's interested in science. Well, maybe he is. I hope he isn't. Because... Why? God bless science. You know, it gave us the sat-nav.

But even so, I think to pretend that it's anything other than dollies pushing it, it's maths. It's ultimately maths. Yeah. Are you suggesting that there's an artsy crowd suddenly being interested? Yeah, it's become cool now. It's where our students used to have a Beckett book in the pockets,

just slightly shown so everyone knew they were a bit... Now it's going to be a brief history of time. That book about Fermat's last theorem. Yeah, exactly. They like the video games as well, don't they? And I say, look, full respect to the proper scientists, you know, we all need work.

But... We all need work. It's not fun, science. Let's not pretend it's fun. Although they might find it fun. You might be, you know, putting two and two together and making five. That's because I'm not a scientist. Exactly. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In this week, by the way, we've all had to think about our national identities in Great Britain somewhat. I mean, not just the Scots, but I think the English as well. We've had to. Yeah, I think we have, don't you think? I feel like I haven't done my homework now. Well, I...

Can I do it next week? Will that be OK? I want to tell you about something I saw we are, don't you think? I feel like I haven't done my homework now. Well, I... Can I do it next week? Will that be okay? I want to tell you about something I saw this week, which I thought was... I'm not sure it was the best decision, but I went to the match last weekend. When I say the match, West Brom Everton was what I went to. Oh, yeah. And I got a programme, you know, a match programme.

And on the front of it... My gay friend called it Dead Magazine. Yeah. He said, I like Dead Magazine of yours. Well, I got that. And there was a quote on the cover. And bear in mind, last season we survived relegation with, I think it was, 36 points. And we're currently in the bottom three of the Premier League.

The quote on the front of the Albion News, our official match programme, and some of you might recognise this, is, hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. Do you think that's a good idea? Who said that, Adrian Charles? It's actually a quote from Pink Floyd track,

apparently. Oh, is it? But why would you put that on the front of your programme if hanging on in... I think it's a terrible idea to put that. Oh. It's, uh... You've got to fake it till you make it. You've got to be in idea to put that. Oh. It's, uh... You've got to fake it till you make it. You've got to... And you've got to be in it to win it. Oh.

Yeah. And, um... And YOLO. You only live once. And YOLO. Yeah, and just do it. Yeah. Yeah.

And, um... And all sorts of other things. Yeah. In that ballpark. No picture. It didn't happen. No picture or it didn't happen. Yeah.

Why can't they just put Boing Boing like they do every week, surely? And you can't get quicker than a quick fitter. I've heard that. I've done with a bit of garage, now we're in the same building as Kiss FM. I haven't seen any of the Kiss FM DJs. No, I imagine they're all... You're looking for a kiss? No, yes.

Are they in the basement? Yeah, that's it, they're down in the bay. You're looking for a kiss? I know, yes. Are they in the basement? Yeah, that's it. They're down in the bay. You're looking for a kiss in the basement? What? Nothing. I like that they're down in the basement. Well, they're down.

It just seems appropriate because they're cooler than us. They're down with the basement. Yeah, they are down. Yeah, we're- I feel very old-fashioned since they've moved in. Do you? Yeah, a little bit. Thank God. Is it Magic has moved in, do you? Yeah, a little bit. Thank God.

Is it Magic has moved in as well? Yeah. That's made me feel like some young rock and roller. So, you know, it swings them round about. So Andy Bush is coming up next. Thanks a lot for listening. I still haven't come up with an ending. I'm looking for a new ending.

Maybe we should start next week's show with the discussion of that and we could work it out during the three hours we're on air. Well, yeah. Rather than ten seconds before the end. I'm going to try one now based on an old song. Auf Wiedersehen, Arrivederci, Au Revoir. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from eight.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.