The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Incredibly Incredibly

Episode Date: November 30, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank shares an argument he had with his girlfriend which left him wondering about the semantics of the English language. Frank, Alun and Em also discuss celebrity fragrances, first world problems and the worst restaurant in the world.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us through the Absolute website. Good morning, my co-hosts. I thought you were going to say cohorts. I could have said cohorts.

What else could I have said? Well, anyway, how have you been? Colleagues, staff. Morning, my staff. Is everything all right? Yeah, yeah. Good. in my staff.

Is everything all right? Yeah, yeah. Good. I gave, um, I gave Alan, uh, a 20 CD, a 20 CD audio, um, book of the Steve Jobs biography. Yeah, I witnessed that this morning.

Yeah. Plastic's still on. MIB, I believe they call it in the trade. Is that right? Mint in box. That's what Jonathan Ross calls it when he buys toys. It was, it was mint in box.

That's when I bought that polo that time. And I must say he wasn't as excited as I thought he would be. By the 20 CD, Steve Jobs. It was an awful, awkward moment when he said, you said, you said you wanted it. And Alan went, did I? Oh, I could have killed myself. I'm happy to take it back.

There was a little bit of... Oh, no, he's got all passive-aggressive. I can't bear it. There was a little bit of what the Cockneys call a bum steer, I believe. I think we're allowed to say that on the radio. I think you can say a bum steer. Where you said, oh, I've got something that I promised you ages ago and reached into your bag,

and I thought you were going to bring out the DVD of Carnival Series 2. Yes, this is another long-running thing we've got going and then it was a thing that i don't remember saying oh yeah but i was still i'll still listen to it if you don't like it just throw it out the car window on the motorway i'll tell you what if i don't then i've got 20 new coasters haven't i that's the one way looking at it frank's a big fan of those. Yeah. The coaster, yeah. Especially if they're Steve Jobs. No, I shouldn't say this

because somebody sent me this so it was nice of them. But, you know, Steve Jobs. No, but thanks for the tip. I had... It doesn't quite work, that one. Well, not on Breakfast Radio. I, um...

I had... I just got it. Oh, gosh. I had a bit of a falling out with my girlfriend this week. And we had an argument. Well, you know, we've had one or two correspondences to the show saying shut up about Doctor Who. Well, we have actually. And we've also had many that have not said that.

You can't please everyone. You know, turns out you can't please anyone. One man said, stop going on about Doctor Who hashtag kids TV. And I'm about to marry that man. Yes. Well, I'm going to appear at the wedding with an axe.

Anyway, so I am going to stop going on about it. But we had, I watched the anniversary special last week, to be honest. There were large sections of it I didn't understand. So I thought I'll watch it again. So my girlfriend had been away

for the weekend, so the watching of the anniversary was a painless experience, but the re-watching of it when she was at home, I was, you know... Anyway, I just thought I'd watch a bit of it, see if I can pick up... I won't bore you with details,

but there was stuff I didn't get. I still don't get some of it, but anyway. So... Were you watching it looking for, like, logic? I was trying to find out how this... I didn't quite get how the truce worked with the Zygons, to be honest with you. OK.

But anyway, I've got it now. Oh, good. But then she said to me, I can't believe you're watching this. And I said... I love Cathy. And I said, well, you... You said you didn't...

I offered to let you watch anything you like, and she said, can I just say, you watching this while I'm in the room, I find incredibly, incredibly offensive. And I thought, well, for a start-off, which I didn't say to her, I'm not sure you can stack incredibly. It's not like very easy.

I don't know if we've got any grammarians listening, but can you... That's the first text in this morning. Can you stack incredibly? Can you stack incredibly? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, I was just, in case you missed the beginning, my girlfriend said me watching the Doctor Who anniversary

for a second time was incredibly, incredibly offensive. Can you say... You can say really, really or very, very. Yeah, can you say... I'm not sure if you can say... Incredibly, incredibly. We can say it for sure, but whether or not it means... Thanks for making those parameters clear to me. I was unsure. not sure if you can say incredibly we can say it for sure but whether or not it means thanks for making those parameters clear to me i was unsure yes i haven't been called incredibly incredibly

offensive since the 90s yeah it's a big moment for me ink off i think we'll reduce it to no in our house that was ink off because i have the great british ink Off where people say not very offensive or do not very offensive things but other people are very very offended by them I thought the Great British Ink Off was just where people come along and get tattoos removed that would be, it will come there's been a Great British everything off

what happened, did you make up then? yeah we did after 24 hours 24? oh that's a long lot of hours. Was it a really long Doctor Who programme that you watched? 75 minutes. I didn't watch, I stopped watching it then.

Oh, did you? I didn't think I could carry on after that. But the thing still, the row still maintained? Well, I went straight to bed in a massive hofty. Did you? And then we spoke about it the next day. The row stage is in the room for a good seven or eight hours, I find, even if both parties have left.

The rows have got incredible stamina staying put. Oh, yeah. They'll linger. Anyway, it's all better now. I'm very, very glad to say. And what else did I do this week? I went to the opera, you know. Lovely.

What did you go and see? I saw Satyagraha. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. It could be Satyagraha. I'm not sure about the... It's one of those things where I never really knew what the name was, even though I was watching it. Oh, yeah.

It's a Philip Glass opera. Oh, it's one of the modern ones. It's a modern one. I'm a Moe Labo M fan myself. It's about Gandhi. opera. Oh, it's one of the modern ones. I'm a Moira Labo-M fan myself. It's about Gandhi. You know, I love Gandhi. Well, I love Gandhi, but that's an extraordinary subject for an opera. Gandhi in opera form.

Gandhi in opera form. Yeah. Oh, OK. I, um, yeah, I wore the, uh, I wore a turban with a white plume. Is that right? Is one of those ones where you go dressed up? I went to the opening night of Bombay Dreams. Do you remember Bombay Dreams? I do, yeah.

There was lots of non-Indian people who were there in Indian dress. Lots of white people. I thought it was a bit peculiar. And you didn't go to the Gandhi opera. A bit peculiar. No, no, that wasn't my emote as opera Gandhi.

Opera Gandhi. Opera Gandhi. Yes. No, I, that wasn't my emote as Opera Grandi. Opera Gandhi. Opera Gandhi. Yes. No, I didn't. Although I did, I kept looking at his sandals. Do you remember when we did a thing on the show about his flip-flops? Yeah, we got all of them. I did keep, I had that flashback of that.

Yeah. We never found out how much they went for. I don't know. Could you get on to it, please, Charlie? No, it's all right. Just Google Gandhi plus flip-flop. That's price. Price.

Yeah. So did you like the Gandhi opera? Oh, God, it was great. Was it? Yeah. Was there a song about passive resistance? Well, it was all in Sanskrit. Oh.

So I couldn't be certain of that. I'm not joking. It was all in Sanskrit. No. So I couldn't be certain of that. I'm not joking, it was all in Sanskrit. No, I didn't think you were. No, who'd joke about that? Frank Skinner's doing his all in Sanskrit thing he does all the time. Did you see the Doctor Who anniversary? Yeah, but the version I saw was all in Sanskrit. Was it?

Really? That is incredibly... Yeah. I'm a huge fan of Gandhi, but to be fair, I think I'd rather watch the Doctor Who special. I'll tell you what I'm going to do with Gandhi. I'll tell you what I'm going to do with Gandhi. I think we can officially term him a friend of the show. And also... It's been a long time coming, that, hasn't it?

Yeah. It's been a long time coming. And also... It's been a long time coming, that, hasn't it? Yeah. It's been a long time coming. And also, I think, Emily loves him because I think he was six years on the trot, was he?

Slimmer of the year? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I went to the cinema, so I just get all my activities out the way

in one big globular lump. I'm hearing it all. Opera and the cinema in the cinema, so I just get all my activities out the way in one big globular lump. I'm hearing it all. Opera and the cinema in the cinema. Oh, yes! I went to... Well, you see, my sister-in-law is... We used to have a thing called Cinema Club, where me and her went to the cinema about once a fortnight.

What was the first rule of Cinema Club? First rule of Cinema Club was there is no cinema club. And then she got married and I thought, you know, people get married. It's a bit like that Lauren Hardy thing where Ollie gets married and Stan buys him a jigsaw for the wedding present and says, well, now you're married, I think we'll be going out

so there'll be something for us to do in the evening. I haven't quite got the concept of what happens anyway it's our first cinema club post marriage so i um one of my favorite books ever is a thing called ender's game orson scott card so the film of that is out but it's i like to catch films on the downward trajectory so um everyone's seen it and I see it in cinema number 18 at the multi-screen, which houses 12 people.

So we did that, although we had a bit of confusion, I must say, at the Audi in Leicester Square. Did you have a bit of trouble? You went a bit Frank Spencer? The Audi in Leicester Square. A little bit of trouble. We set two tickets for Ender's Game and he was a bit presumptuous and thought, obviously they mean Hunger Games. Oh, he gave you Hunger Games?

It isn't even called Hunger Games, is it? It's called Catching Fire. Yeah. So we ended up with two tickets. We went into the Ender's Game. We went into Ender's Game because we had two tickets for Hunger's Game. And a man said to me, this is not my, I cannot do,

I have not authority to let you in. Manuel! And I said, there's four people in there, we'll just go in and sit there, I have not authority. So we had to get someone else who had authority. So you've gone from Frank Spencer to Manuel, who's next? Well, he went to someone who had authority, he went to Robert McGarvey.

Anyway, I loved the film, but we sat in the... There's only about ten rows in there. Yeah. So we sat in the last but one row. That's where our actual... You know this stupid thing you have to see where your ticket says? In cinemas with four people in.

Yeah. I mean, for goodness sake! It's not like at the football. Dear BBC. So there was a... I could hear you know when when you're watching the adverts before the film and you can hear and you can hear from behind you um and you think now these are either people who who are just they talk because I think it's the advert, it's fine to talk now,

all their people who are going to talk. I really like the impression of them. Yeah, say, I like how they go. Yeah, so I said, I looked at Rachel and said, are these going to be talkers? And she said, well, we can always move. I mean, there's other options. And do you know what they heard from back there?

Yeah, they did. They did, yeah, and they probably thought... But then I looked around, and it was a young couple, and they were... I didn't realise that people canoodled in the back row anymore. Were they canoodling? Get this, she was sitting on his lap. What? That's not canoodling let's get this she was sitting on his lap what that's not canoodling just step yi that's a hell of a lot more than canoodling well i i mean i was outraged by i mean

i never i did some canoodling in the back row as a young man not much um not always with anyone else but um oh my god that's the most disgusting revelation oh no it's not i read your autobiography i would never in a million years i let someone sit on my lap in the cinema partly the resentment the resentment that i'd paid for a seat that wasn't being used you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So, here's the thing. Since, I think, maybe Tuesday or Wednesday, I haven't bought any Louis Vuitton luggage.

I don't know about you guys. Are you also observing the Kanye West boycott? I think I bought a small clutch. To refresh your bowling bag handbag. Like Wednesday afternoon. That looked very L To refresh your bowling bag handbag. Like Wednesday afternoon. That looked very LV, your bowling bag handbag. I'm going to ring them up, because I can get an audience with them, unlike Kanye. Oh, you can as well, I bet.

Yeah. He was upset, wasn't he? Yeah, because I think, in fairness, he did get quite a big zing from the CEO. Was it the CEO? Yeah, I believe so. He asked for a meeting with the boss of Louis Vuitton, who said... Kanye West did.

Kanye West did. I believe the boss said, I don't understand why we need to meet with you. Which I thought was perfectly reasonable. Does he work at the LDN Leicester Square? On a weekday. It's the generic voice. I knew it was a Wednesday because it was an orange Wednesday day. Of course it was.

You've always got one eye on the housekeeping budget, haven't you? Exactly. And I'm the one on the show that gets accused of thriftiness. I think I've been drinking out of your cup. Oh! Well, I can get very frugal about that. Frugal sharky. So why did Kanye want to meet with the boss of louis

he feels that he should be able to pick up the phone to any brother and he can just get on the phone and say you know you should want to meet with me i'm going to be good for your company in this instance they're doing all right lv they don't really need kanye's help he wanted free stuff he wanted i think he wanted to launch i bet to say, listen, why don't you do like a Kanye bag or something? Like a Kanye... KLV. Backpack. Yeah, he probably had like an idea. Oh, I hate it when people get ideas,

don't you? You don't think he's got... Has he got a fragrance on the back burner? Oh, probably. On the lonson burner. Oh, they love a fragrance, that's the new thing. He wouldn't go to LV with that, would he? He'd have a little... Aren't they... What would you do?

They're not bad smells. If someone came to you and said... No, they do smells as well, darling. Oh, do they? It's a luxury conglomerate. Oh, is it? I knew that. Did you?

Yeah. Thank you, Frank. I'm so proud that you knew that. Yeah, I knew they did smells, definitely. Would you... If you were offered your own fragrance, Alan... Yes. Extraordinary conversation.

This is what comedians talk about nowadays. I can imagine that some of the people at the top end have probably already been offered their own fragrance. Who's got, or who can you imagine? Stephen K. Amos, he'd have fragrance. Maybe. I should think Michael McIntyre would have the offer of, if he wanted his own fragrance. Yeah. Yeah. But you're asking me, would I? I should think Michael McIntyre would have the offer of... Jimmy Carr. If he wanted his own fragrance.

Yeah. Yeah. But you're asking me, would I? Would you? No, I don't think so. Even if the money was good? Yeah, I'd do that then. Okay.

It's amazing how many what-ifs I solve with Alan by adding that, just that extra bit. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about, um, is it Kanye or Kanye?

Wow, let's call the whole thing West. Yeah. Yes, okay. He's upset because the head of LV won't meet with him. Yeah, it's a definite case.

He's a hater, not a player celebrator. Yeah. It's a definite case of handbags at dawn, isn't it? Oh, lovely work. But he did, I liked his reason. He says, I've got tremendous power or something. And influence, yeah. Yeah, they don't know the power I've got.

I'm made for this moment, that's what he says. I'm made for this moment. I mean, it would be easy to despise Kanye, but I have a certain admiration for all those people who use the jump leads, as I would say. There's a section where the thought comes in, in your brain, and then it goes through the sort of self-censoring area of the brain, and then it reaches the mouth. And I think he's got jump leads from the initial thought to mouth. And I think we've probably all leads from the initial thought to mouth yeah and I think we've probably all had thoughts about how brilliant we are that's what people do but you know you keep

it yeah just keep it on the but not Kanye it's out there said it oh said it man I said it too late too late Kim you said it are you crazy I just said it couldn't help it you said you got I said it it's it's said

shut up about it girl it's said shut up about it girl I love the insight into the West household that's what I think I think he knows

he's doing it he can't help it it's out watching the Kardashians where Kanye's making a little guest spot. I like the idea of getting outraged because you just

like someone and they won't meet with you. I wanted to meet the Northampton clown. He wouldn't meet with me. I actually asked via Twitter. But I don't ban circuses now. No, but were you instrumental in the death threats? That's what I want to know.

I mean, I'm sure... Anyway, what he said, he told all his fans not to buy Louis Vuitton until the end of January. Yeah. Which, I mean, if I said that, everybody would just think Alan's waiting for the sales and he's urging us to do the same. Yeah, but the end of January, you miss the sales, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah.

Is that what he's doing? See, he's not even got an eye on the housekeeping. Oh, no. No, I think what he's doing... He's out of his depth. He needs to give me a ring. He's still trying to get in with him. He's saying, well, don't buy Gingania. And he's thinking he's not going to lose them that much because it's all on sale anyway. Yeah. So I can

go back and say, look, I could have said, start February. And then you'd have really lost money. He claimed the whole of New York would back... That was it. But he was also somewhat hoisted on his own petard by the fact that the next day some photographs of his luggage with Louis Vuitton bags were taken. Yeah, but to be fair, he'd bought that before the ban.

It's like if I bought apples... I like that he's a Kanye apologist now. If I bought apples before apartheid, that's fine. You say that, Frank. Can you imagine the poor person who carried that bag in? I told you not to use that bag! He must have gone mental.

Well, I think he didn't condemn already owned goods. It's an economic... Yeah. Yeah, he's a reduce, reuse, recycle guy. Yeah, exactly. When he gets rid of

Louis Vuitton he's going to use a Sainsbury's bag for life one of those hessian looking ones but I do I do respect his you wouldn't really call it honesty I think when you're honest you think you know what I'm going to be really honest about this I don't think there's that kind of

delay you know I never I'm against quoting newspaper comments. Yeah. Oh, yes. But just... But? After I'd read about Kanye West, I read on the side of the page, I was Mail Online, there was a Rachel Riley splits up with her husband

and I thought, oh, I'll read that. Yeah. And I went to that and someone had written there was all these views about why she'd left her husband and some person had written LOL he's pot ugly.

And usually I'd think people are so vile it's disgusting. I think having read the set me up for things just... This is someone else who got the job leads on. It just came out. And whereas I would have been...

So I think maybe Kanye is laying the way for us all to be just completely open with each other. What about that? Oh, great, I can't wait. He strikes me as quite an exhausting friend he'd be, I think, Kanye, wouldn't he? Yeah. Can you imagine if he didn't return his texts or...

Oh, you have to be careful with that. He'd be very high maintenance, Frank. I don't think he'd be good for you as a pal. I don't think he'd be good for you as a pal, because he's urging people to boycott luxury brands and stuff. That could be easy for me. I'll have no part of that. That'd put you in a tricky position

at work, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. Sleeping with the enemy. Terrible. I mean, I'm also boycotting whatever, you know, crystal champagne. It's Cristal, FYI. No, crystal. It's a different one. That's such a lie.

It's a spin-off that Lidl do. Let us not forget, though, that when I said that Fortnum & Mason's Piccadilly was the best Piccadilly I've ever tasted... Oh, yeah, they sold out. They sold out. They did. So, you know... You have influence.

They don't realise my power as God, they say. Have you requested a meeting with the MD of Fortnum & Mason? I haven't. Skinner hamper. Can you imagine Frank on the phone? All right, it's Frank here. All right. Frank, we. Skinner hamper. Can you imagine Frank on the phone? Alright, it's Frank here. Alright. Frank, we've had a text in.

That was your impression of Adrian Childs. No, that's Adrian. Alright, Frank, it's Adrian here. No, he always says mate. Alright, mate. This is from Sarah. She says, Frank, I was at the theatre when a young couple in the row in front of me were canoodling. Oh in front that's worse.

I don't want to see that. The young lady was sat on the young man's lap obviously a popular position whilst everyone around studiously tried to ignore the giggling and sloppy kissing sounds. What are the sounds Frank if you could remind us? I don't think that was kissing.

I think it was sweet nothings. I was outraged and tapped the woman on the shoulder and told her to go and sit on the seat she'd paid for. They didn't return after the interval. I really respect that. That's two seats wasted. Yeah. I too.

I wouldn't have had that courage. I was on a train and there was a young couple canoodling on the seats across from me. And I don't know if it says something about how old I am. I looked at them and went, I just genuinely thought to myself, God, if I was in that position for as long as he's been in that position, I'd have cramp by now. He was all twisted up and she was sort of leaning on him and they were sort of

canoodling and i just thought oh there's no way i don't mind the young doing it you see but i can't if you own property you can't do that public canoodling it's too late long in the tooth i cannot bear the elderly i'm going to call it that over 25 when you say property is that including I don't, you know, I don't object to the youth canoodling, but in a cinema you have to do it quietly, surely. I suppose they had gone for the back row. I, you know, I like their traditionalism. It's like dry stone walling, practically, isn't it? Traditional, old school.

Yeah. Thought it died out. I think it meant sex for the elderly. Frankly, they used to have a double seat back in the day, didn't they? Did they? Yeah, I believe so. You still get cinemas now, don't you? You can have a sofa and

proper food. Not the cinema, as far as I'm concerned. No, you've got very strict requirements from a cinema, haven't you? Yes, I like... Oh, we're not going to go down that road again, are we? I was just saying... God! Yeah, but if you buy a ticket

for one film, you expect to have... Yeah. Not get a ticket for another film, that's all I'm saying. That's outrageous. I'm not asking you to boycott the Odeon Leicester Square. Can I make that perfectly clear? Because I'm seeing the manager on Tuesday. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us directly through the Absolute Radio website. That's www slash slash and more slash The Guardian. Well, this is very relevant, Frank, because we're about to go to Email Corner. I've made that decision. Okay.

Do you need the jingle? Yeah. Okay. Well, I can't get it. Keep that www in mind. Right. Here we go. Email Corner.

Email Corner. Email Corner. Okay. Okay. Interesting harmonies today. A bit underpowered, if you don't mind me saying. I think sometimes you can put too much in. Yeah.

You held back. This is from Megan. Okay. She says, hey. I got it. I want to share a little secret with you, which we do down here in NZ. Can I just interrupt? I like the fact this is one of the first emails that we've had that sounds like spam. I want to share a little secret with you which we do down here in nz can i just interrupt i like the fact this is one of the first

emails that we've had that sounds like spam i want to share a little secret with you barely legal secrets whoever thought when i was a young in my account i can share this little secret i'm getting sick of that spam but when i was a young man every day i get something from me too i don't subscribe loyalty card But when I was a young man... Every day I get something from Ann Summers. Do you? Me too. I don't subscribe. Or get a loyalty card. But if someone had said to me 30 years ago, it sounds like spam,

I'd have been most confused. And now it's... Isn't it wonderful about progress? Isn't it? I managed to get through life without ever encountering spam. Yeah? Not even the Monty Python song about progress. I managed to get through life without ever encountering spam. Yeah? Not even the Monty Python song about spam. Do you know that?

I can't bear Monty Python. No. OK. I want to share a little secret with you, which we do down here in NZ. NZ, New Zealand, eh? Got that. New Zealand.

Very good. It may ease your pain and anguish of saying www. Oh, yes. Every time you refer to Absolute's website during housekeeping tasks. So, if you want to embrace it, I'm sure we can speak on behalf... I can speak, I do apologise. On behalf of the nation of New Zealand, that you're most welcome to ours, we say dub-dub-dub. Try it. Rolls off the tongue quite nicely.

This country has been using it for years successfully and it would only take a few brave early adopters such as yourselves to sweep the northern hemisphere genius and simplicity thank you megan or you can contact us direct through the absolute um make it sound like we're genuinely talking frank make it sound conversational okay no no like an announcement or you can contact us directly through the absolute radio dub dub dub it's terrible i like it no you ruined your words though because you mean contact us directly through the absolute radio i didn't like that sorry i'm old i'm old dub dub dub i will wear my trousers. And I was thrown because when I said dub, dub, dub,

I started to think that maybe my washing machine has been trying to communicate with me. Because that says dub, dub, dub on occasion. I'm going to do it now. I've got an email from dub, dub, dub and Summers. That's what I'd say. Yeah, but you need all the slashes and all that. No.

Where did that come from? When did oblique become slash? Is that today's texting? Yes. Are we doing that after the intensifying? They're all scones and roses. They'll be able to fill you in. And is oblique an Irish goth?

That's today's question. OK. I've got so laid back now on the internet, so sort of casual about the whole... You know, I used to be for years thinking, wow, I'm on the World Wide Web. I'm so laid back now. I've started hitting I'm Feeling Lucky.

Oh, do you? Yeah. I just think, yeah, let's see where we go. Let's see where we go on this one. It's like roulette. Try it. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Listen, we've had a text in from Nugget, who's one of my regulars. Yes. We were talking about dub-dub-dub. Nugget has just pointed one of my regulars. Yes. We were talking about Dub Dub Dub.

Nugget has just pointed out, Ed Byrne told you guys about Dub Dub Dub when he came in a couple of years ago. That was the non-ditch visit. Did he? Well, you know, that's it. I don't retain everything, but well-remembered Nugget. Sorry about that, Ed. We've got to give you your propers. Short memories in show business, isn't it? Oh, I'll say.

Big smile, short memory. Nugget also emailed me saying that he's listening to the show whilst cycling, but indoors. He's on one of those turbo trainer things. I went on a fixed bicycle with my son yesterday

and it's next to a Christmas tree on the south bank of the Thames next to London. A large conurbation in the south east of the Thames next to London. A large conurbation in the south east of England. Thanks very much. Very specific. And the harder you pedal, the more snow

fell on the Christmas tree. Oh, that's quite nice. Yeah, that's what you see. You need incentive for fitness. They should do more stuff like that in gyms. Maybe television. The television should be powered by your

pedalling. Or a really good looking man in bandages and the faster you pedal, the bandage comes off. See, if I'd have said something like that about a really good looking woman, I would have been chastised. My first thought was those boy rows where you used to tip them one way and the bikini drops off. I thought, I'm not saying that.

That would be outrageous. And then you say it about a man. So you don't apologise. I don't mind. And bandages as well. Like, he's not that well. He can't actually help himself if anything happens. Yeah, but, you know, this is what happens.

You had it your way for 2,000 years. We're getting our own back. It's lovely. Alan. You 2,000? I mean, you've been going for ages. years of getting our own back. It's lovely. Alan. You're 2000. I mean, I knew you'd been going for ages, but

I think it's a bit inappropriate to bring that up. I think I can now announce on Absolute Radio that I am Joseph of Aramathay. Oh, I love it when you speak Aramathay. So, emails. We're still in email corner, believe we are. Dear lovelies. I never pressed the exit jingle, believe we are. Dear lovelies...

I never pressed the exit jingle. Oh, good. Dear lovelies, feel this greeting avoids any unpleasant awkwardness if a sub has been brought to the bench this week to replace a member of the first team. Every evening... Who's in a sitcom. Carry on. Could have been. Every evening I randomly select a podcast from my Frank Etal collection

Last night I listened to the Stevie Wonder Very Superstitious episode in which the team revealed they had no idea of Mr Wonder's intended lyrics Very Superstitious I thought it was Berry Superstitious Berry Superstitious We found out it was

Was it That Is Superstition Mine was better Stick with Berry, that's superstition? Mine was better. Stick with Barry, that's my advice. That's what I said. Yeah, there is superstition. That's why he stayed with Tamler all those years. I said stick with Barry, he thought I meant Barry Gordy. It's led me to a misunderstanding of lyrics.

His outfits were Barry Gordy. Carry on. It's led me to a misunderstanding of lyrics I had for many years. Is that the first ever Barry Gordy pod on Absolute Radio? I'm pretty sure it is. Carry on. Just let me tell you, it's a standing of lyrics I had for many years. That's the first ever Barry Gordy pun on Absolute Radio. I'm pretty sure it is. That's the first ever Barry Gordy pun in life. As a child of the 70s, I was the proud owner of two Disney soundtrack tapes, Lady and the Tramp and The Jungle Book.

Am I the only person who believed that the secrets to a happy and fulfilled life could be attainable if one managed to find the elusive beneseses in the woods, presumably an exotic fruit or flower, as the wise Baloo the Bear noted? It was years later it occurred to me the lesson had in fact been to strive for a simple life stripped down to the bare necessities. What? What did... Is this a... She knew it was Bena, it's spelled B-E-N-E-R. Sally, 993.

Sally. She finishes by saying, this is where I would normally insert gushing amounts of praise. Don't get many Sallys these days. No. I love the loss of names. And it's bemoaning. I've heard

obviously this mistaken lyrics thing is a bit what happened to Spangles. So I don't want to dwell on it. I've never, usually they mistake one word for another. Not one word for something that doesn't exist. Two words.

She's gone to the trouble of making something up. She thought it was Benes. Benesesities. I went out with the trouble of making something up. She thought it was Ben-ess. Ben-er-cessities. I went out with him when I was in Turkey. How was that? It was marvellous. Okay. It was incredibly, incredibly marvellous.

I have an image now of some Louis Vuitton shoes at the side of the bed next to some curly-toe slippers. Maybe that's wrong of me. There was... Oh, well, we'll come back to this, because I say I only get into mistaken lyrics, but there was one from an advert which plagued me for years. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Where were we? You were about to tell us your misheard lyrics thing. Oh, do I want to do that? Well, if you don't, 990 has texted you. My protest is, I don't want to interrupt 990, but it's one of those things, isn't it, misheard lyrics? Yeah, it's a bit kid's so funny thing. Yeah, you see, I don't want to encourage you.

Did I say 50? I meant 50,000. I was in the car coming in this morning. I had heart on. It wasn't my choice. And they did about four minutes about man flu. And now man flu is about men pretending they're poorly when really they aren't. And I thought, why don't they just burn down the station?

And say this is a waste of time, we're just saying what everyone says. I had a man on Heart FM once, I don't know which one it was, who was talking about the summer. Which Heart FM? This is the Doctor Who version, where there's two Hearts FM. And he said, he was talking about the summer, and he said, tell you what I really hate about the summer is wasps. Oh, wasps, I ate them. What are they for? hate about the summer is wasps huh wasps i ate

them what are they for but he literally said wasps i ate him you can't just say that don't get me wrong they're all god's children i've got nothing against them but i don't know um i don't want to get into misheard lyrics okay we'll hear this one now you've started well actually i don't want this lady thinking when i'll don't know so close yet's 990s. It's more a bit of added value. Your Benacessities correspondent also missed Disney's clever pun. Oh, God. Oh, God. I thought I was going to say fun now.

Everyone relax. Everyone relax. Five pence. Fifty pence. Five pence. Fifty pence. Also makes Disney clever pun. Baloo is singing about the bear necessities, as in B-E-A-R. Oh, yeah. And bear necessities. B-A-R-A. Yeah.

Of course. Yeah. Whoever 990 is just felt the need to text us that to tell us it. No, but that's good Because they missed it by thinking it was Ben necessities Yeah but you know even that that pun is so obvious You might think it's

Holding a pen From Gettysburg Address But even though you're thinking Talking about the bare necessities What is it? Eight score years What is it? Eight score years I can't remember now It's something like What is it? Eight score years. What is it? Eight score years. Three years. I can't remember now.

It's something like... There's text in. What is it in the Gettysburg address? What is it? Yeah. Four score years. Is it? Four score years.

I bet... I know Sandy Warrell, though. Yeah. Four score years and 37 or something like that. Yeah. I know that there's... Anyway, sorry, anyone who knows the opening bit of the... We can't spend the next ten minutes

whilst we both try and remember the Get His Birdie book. I don't think we've ever had an A-blink in texting, though. It's something that's missing from this show. Yeah, and what my point was, even though you might think that's an obvious point and doesn't need to stand out, I would rather have that text than a misheard lyric. And the misheard lyric I was going to tell you about,

which is hilarious, I'm going to tell you about, which is hilarious, I'm going to sacrifice because I don't. I think it's the wrong thing to do. Because when we start talking about old sweets, children's TV programmes, we remember. I like wham bars, if we are going to do that. Wham bars. Do you remember wham bars? See how it happens?

This is what happens. And do you know what? He will kill again. Yeah, I know. Yes, I'm a Gettysburg Address man. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text saying, LV, why is Kanye West getting so upset about luncheon vouchers? Oh, yeah. What if he said boycott luncheon vouchers? I feel a little bit like it's in the day.

I won't have them around. And she adds, when I was 18, I had a boyfriend who was so tight he only took me out for a meal if you compare with his luncheon vouchers given to him by work. She could have contacted you via means other than the radio. Yes, that's right. I forgot about luncheon vouchers given to him by work. She could have contacted you via means other than the radio. Yes, that's right. I forgot about luncheon vouchers. Really?

If you're around, Frank is a big fan of Orange Wednesdays. That was an accident. When I saw Orange Wednesday, I thought it was going to be a buddy's night. Why am I stuck with these schnorrers? Google it. Okay. Make sure you've got a Yiddish setting on your Google search engine. My entire iPhone is in Yiddish.

Is it? Sometimes it confuses me. It's all right. I didn't know. Honestly, I didn't know it was Orange Wednesday. Carry on. I do think Kanye's lunch and LV boycott, it comes under the banner of first world problems, doesn't it?

When the CEO of Louis Vuitton snobs you because you've decided to have a meeting with him. And I think perhaps unfairly, a few weeks ago, said that Camilla Parker-Bowles was committing a first world problem when she was moaning about how her Prince of Wales husband was hard to buy for because his Christmas and birthday are the same. They're really close together. Can I just stop you?

Should we explain what a first world problem is? It's this, isn't it? It's when you moan about stuff that is really not that bad. Yes. Especially what I do not that bad. Yes. It's basically what I do all the time. Yes. Well, I've caught myself in a few recently. The other day I genuinely said, quite perturbed,

God, I've got to buy new cufflinks. I've had two pairs of cufflinks snap recently. Really? And then thought, I don't think I've used a cufflink. Are you a croupier by night? Well, you know, I do a lot of corporate entertainment. Do you wear cufflinks? Oh, do you wear one of those powder blue 70s ruffle shirts?

I would like one of those. In fact, I would like a powder blue dinner suit, because they were originally blue, weren't they? Blue and black. I thought I'd have a look. Yeah, have a look. You've got about 95 suits. Exactly.

I can sort that out for you. Hopefully they'll have a long hem on the trousers so I could get them taken down. Meaning? Meaning I'm taller than you. I don't think it's that cryptic. Bring that up, you know. Yeah.

Some sort of snidey way. Yeah. Actually, First World Problems is a quite... I wonder, what about that? That's like a proper radio texting. Have you found yourself moaning about First World Problems? You? That's like a proper radio texting. Have you found yourself moaning about First World problems? You make that sound like a real detail.

It's rather pointless asking me that. I think we know what the answer is. I wasn't asking you. It's one of those rare occasions I speak to the viewers in the first person. Viewers, no. They were readers, they're viewers. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

OK, we were talking about First World Problemo. Yeah, I mean, I don't know how I'm so rough on my cufflinks, but anyway, I went to get... What's your favourite pair? Well, I did have a pair that had to... I've got some Bruce Lees. No. Just the face of Bruce Lee on them.

Have you? They would be my favourites if I owned them. I've got Laurel and Hardy. I've got Laurel and Hardy. I've got Elvis. I've got... Well, it's probably Dalby and Crest, but you haven't got them with you. I've got them and I've got these and I've got those.

And I've got Andy Warhol soup cans. No. Yeah. The original Sawprints. They are cough links. And I've got Hot and Cold, the old tap tops. Oh, yeah. That's just a little selection.

Just a little selection. I like that you've got those old taps. That's your keeping it real thing. If only I'd thought to text you on Wednesday rather than going to M&S and buying you some. I could have fed XG some over. Yeah, you could have biked them over. That would have been great. I have a lot of First World problems.

I like this tale of the missing link. I love it, Frank. I had a bit of a First World thingy this week, problem. I was saying to my personal assistant. You don't really need to continue the anecdote. I was saying, I really am unsure how to store my neckties.

If I just hang them over a coat hanger, they keep slipping off, because, of course, they're heavier at one end. You have to hang them very precisely. There's a slight bit of movement off they come. Some of them I never unknot. I wear them for the first time and I leave them knotted. one end you have to hang them very precisely the slice bit of movement off they come yeah i some of them i never unknot i wear them for the first time and i leave them knotted and they hang like like new sigh that's the plural that's not the way to look after a good no but that you say that but

you see that knot then is there forever so the crease is always remaining the same place don't give me that look no i don't don't like... But then she said, she said, well, what about this hanger? It's got a bit of foam around the bottom bar. Sounds attractive. And they got a bit more purchase. They have, actually, Frank. So that's what I'm on at the moment. We're learning some important

retail lessons. If anyone's got any ideas... No, I have a solution. You have a solution? I don't want to spoil it. Santa's coming soon. Oh. It better not be drawing pins. There's a hanger that you can get that has lots of different little

bars on it and you can put your ties over it. Oh, the teeth hangers, yeah. Next to your suit, you've got a tie hanger. But why is that different from hanging them over the lower bar of a coat hanger? Because then you're separating them all. I love this conversation. And they're going downwards.

I see. Do you see what I'm... Hang on, I'll draw it for you. Do the pointy ends, when you've got it very heavily laden, do they look at the extremity like the scales on a fish back? Yeah, if you like. Okay, I'll do it. Oh, by the way, the Gettystysburg address we had an answer to that yeah

we did yes dear frank emily in the cockerel the gettysburg address starts four score and seven years ago it is also under 200 words long love the show oh yeah it was very brief i remember it's famously brief i think that's what he's pointing out i think the man before had done like a a talk that had gone on for about 40 minutes. He overran, didn't he? Lincoln does 200-word Gettysburg Address and it's immortalised. Also, a contemporary report, I remember reading this, in the press at the time, they wrote the address.

You know what journalists are like. And to keep the words down, they wrote nearly 90 years ago. Instead of four school years. to keep the words down they wrote nearly 90 years ago instead of yeah so eh so so Absolute

Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I texted Daisy this week bit of a first world problem was it the other week days I said oh this week, bit of a First World problem. Was it the other week, Daisy?

I said, oh, this makeup artist, she's chewing gum. That is quite First World. It is. Well, in fairness to me, my makeup artist is chewing gum. She was blowing bubbles. She was Icelandic. Love an Icelandic. Quite inscrutable, though, I discovered.

See, she'd be blowing bubbles because they've got a lot of carbon monoxide in them from the geysers. And do you know how I reacted? Instead of saying, please, can you take the chewing gum out of your mouth, what I did was she blew... I just heard this pop, and I went, oh, God! I thought it was... oh! And then I said, I'm sorry,

I thought it was a car backfiring outside. That's exactly what I said. That's a... wow. Have you ever seen Carry On Cowboy? When Kenneth Williams says, was that gunfire out here or just a horse backfiring? I know. We didn't get a lot.

I also told her to stop texting while she was doing my make-up. I looked at her, I said, you're going to have to stop texting while you're doing my make-up. Right. She sounds like a... She went, one minute, please. I've said that to a few drivers, but it feels like there's more jeopardy involved

in doing your make-up. Yeah, exactly. 540, Joanne has texted in, my partner was particularly upset at not getting three stars on an Angry Birds level. Oh, yeah. That is a first-world problem. That is.

Also, I've lived the last two months without a microwave have you? that's good for you isn't it? no I hate it oh doesn't microwaves give you the radiation sickness that's why I always think that is that 70s old wives tale

isn't that radioactivity you've got them mixed up with but I thought this is what I thought, how rubbish is this? I thought, well, shall I throw it away? Because it operates as a perfectly good cupboard. Yeah. You could just keep it as a white cupboard. Yeah.

And I thought, it'd be a cupboard with, like, a lazy Susan in it. Yeah. And a turntable. So if the stuff at the back of the cupboard you need, rather than having to reach or move stuff around, and then it made me think maybe old cupboards

should have a lazy sofa because... Great idea, Frank. Then you can get at everything very easily without having to move the other stuff. We've got a spinny cupboard.

Yes, me too as well, Alan. Have you not? The ones in the corner where you spin stuff. Yes, I've got that. A what? A spinny cupboard where it's in the corner

so it would have been wasted space back in the 80s. But it's got a turntable inside it. Yeah, I've got that. A metal turntable, though. Really? Well, I thought I'd invented that. Sorry, love. Mind you, I did make a vow a few years ago

that I wouldn't have any more cupboards in the house until they'd sorted out their spelling. Yeah. Because cop board is rubbish. Yeah. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Hey, I'm Frank Skinner and I'm on Absolute Radio. Not only that, but I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text us on 81215? Then you can be on Absolute Radio too. Or at least your sentiments can. Also, you can follow the show on Twitter.

This is the Space Age at Frank on the Radio. Or you old traditionalists can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Love ya. Okay. I like the love ya. That was a bit love website. Love ya. Okay. I like the love ya. That was a bit love ya. Here's Simply Red.

I forgot dub dub dub. You know I was saying I was concerned about microwaves earlier. Like some sort of 1970s housewife. No but usually the bloke who works next to the one in the office goes blind in one eye. That was always the story, wasn't it?

No, but microwaves do emit radiation. There is radiation, though. That's correct. But a demolition lover says, tell Emily that microwaves aren't dangerous. They are a different frequency on the electromagnetic spectrum to gamma X-rays. OK.

Gamma slash X-rays. OK. OK, Emily. Well, it turns out they're not dangerous. They're a different frequency to gamma rays on the spectrum. OK. OK, Emily. Well, it turns out they're not dangerous. They're a different frequency to gamma rays on the spectrum. OK. And also... He said tell Emily.

OK. 546 has texted... Does she take sugar, by the way? Who, 546 or Emily? Carry on. 546 has texted, Lincoln could have fitted the Gettysburg Address into two tweets. No.

Under 200 words, he could have fitted it into two tweets. Yeah, but it's characters, tweets. Oh. I've made a complete fool of myself. 546, you need to have a long... 546, the sackcloth and ashes is in that cupboard. You know that cupboard just by the front door when you go out where you keep the umbrella and the wellingtons?

Mike doesn't even like Twitter and he knows that. We might be made fools of if, actually unbeknown to us, the Gettysburg Address contains loads of small words and it does fit. It doesn't because it has things like government by the people. Government, immediately, that's it. I mean, there's a lot of hole in it. Yeah. Look, and never mind this, I want to talk about the DOC. government immediately government I mean they'll blow a hole in it yeah and never mind this I want to talk about the DOC

I want to talk about the Gettysburg Address I want to talk about the DOC what is the DOC? Duke of Cambridge you know I forgot he's called that Prince of William Prince of William I'm going to call him the Prince of William from now on

because in life I often find the mistakes are better than the real stuff. Yeah, but that makes him POW. There's something brilliant about the Prince of William. I don't like POW, though. The Prince of William... You don't like POWs? No. That's a fine thing to say.

The Prince of William had a party, Frank. Yeah. At Kensington Palace this week. Did you read about this, the winter ball? Well, I think I saw the... I think we all saw the clip this week. Did you read about this, the winter ball? Well, I think I saw the, I think we all saw the clip this week. Did you see the clip, so? They looked like they were having a ball, didn't they? Well, it's Prince of William, it's Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift, of all people. She looked good, I thought. Well, I've tailed a few Swifts in my time. That was when I worked in the Ornithological Divorce Courts as a private investigator. And JBJ. Yes. John Bon Jovi. Who I think is a very great fool. Do you?

I interviewed I interviewed John Bon Jovi. There's a man who's taken the teeth thing too far. I spent the whole interview looking at his teeth. His dentist could have took a leaf out of the book of the Islamic carpet makers,

you know, who put the deliberate fault. Absolutely. There was... You've got to have... Too white and too... You've got to have a little bit of indentation to make them look like teeth. You can't just have, like, lumps of pearl in your mouth.

No. Ludicrous. That was my view. Anyway, I'm just going to stop pearl in your mouth. No. Ludicrous. That was my view. Anyway, I'm just going to stop to play one of my choices. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Well, so what they did, it was all in a good cause. It was a charity auction. You can go into footballers' parlance and the syntax.

What they did right was... What he's done was... They've looked up. They've seen John Mongeau. He's seen Jonathan Ross, who was the MC for the evening. Oh, was he? Yes. So I know what really happened that night. Anyway, he got up on stage and he sung Living on a Prayer, didn't he? There was pressure put on him to sing it, I believe.

Oh, was there? Was there? In a nice way. But he was a good pressure put on him to sing it, I believe. Oh, was there? Was there? In a nice way, but he was a good sport. That's what I love you see about the DOC. He is a good sport. Yeah, he looked like he was willing. Well, yeah, presenter hands. Yes, I know.

It was Prince Charles at the tree planting ceremony hands. You know those presenter hands when the presenters just put their fingernails together at the front. Right. Like a mandarin. I saw Dec does it sometimes. I don't do it. No, Dec does it.

Yeah, you get... And does the hands in pockets. There's actually, if you go to the National Portrait Gallery, there's a painting of Sir Trevor MacDonald, and he's actually got presenter hands on the painting. Has he? Perfect. What I didn't like about John Bon Jovi...

Oh, this should take a while. I'll make myself comfortable. Settle down by the fireside, Frank. Was that he turned into a slowie. I know, he was... Oh, I'm embarrassed. Living on a prayer, it's quite an upbeat... It's a fist puncher, isn't it?

Oh, it was. He turned it into Lighters in the Air. You know what he did? He took what was a sing-along and he tried to be a bit soulful. He just has an instrumental break beat. It's a sing-along. Yeah.

Don't start going... Don't do that. It's a sing-along. No one wants to see, they want to see the pre-adult. Were you singing it? Exactly. Taylor Swift, you know,

nice Swift, nice dress. Nice Swift. But can you step back a bit? This is not.W. singing it. Exactly. Taylor Swift, you know, nice, nice Swift, nice dress. Nice Swift. But can you step back a bit? This is not your moment. I know. You can sing, you sing this regularly. Yeah.

Yeah, we can hear you sing any time. Yeah. This could be our one opportunity. We won't. But we can. I liked him. I thought he was good though.

I mean, he wasn't. It's the wrong song though, isn't it? He wasn't putting his heart and soul into it. I think he was trying not to be heard, because I strained to hear his voice, and you couldn't really hear it, don't you think, boys?

I had the same thing. Living on a prayer. I mean, Living on a Prayer's the wrong song for him to sing, really. If a celeb's going to sing that, it should be the Archbishop of Canterbury. Oh, good. You're right, but... He should have sang something by Prince.

Yes. That's what I think. Excellent. William, it was really nothing. He, that is his party piece, though, Living on a Prayer, because he did that at Zara's wedding. It was, if that was his party piece, it wasn't very, it doesn't look like he knew any of the verse bits.

No, he was struggling a bit, wasn't he? I wonder what his brother's party piece is. Pardon? I wonder what his brother's party piece is. What, Harry? Yeah. I've seen his party piece. I don't think you've seen it.

It was in Shadow, but there it was. See, mine used to be... Well, this was in my drinking days. I used to get on crowded bosses. Buses. Bus. Omnibuses. Yeah.

And I would go, Go day-tay, go day-tay, Christus es natus, ex Maria, Virgin, ay, go day-tay. Everybody! Go day-tay. And never did anyone ever join in.

I love that. It's beautiful. I'm surprised that nobody joined in. What is that? I'll tell you what it is, because we have some lovely friends and their sons are at Winchester and they sing that a lot. Well, it was... I'm familiar with posh schooling. What is that? I'll tell you what it is, because we have some lovely friends and their sons are at Winchester and they sing that a lot.

Well, it was... Is it from your posh schooling? No, no. It was when he was at Winchester. Steele I Span had a Christmas hit with it. It's based on Latin. I know, it's based on Latin. It's Latin.

I suppose you could say this show is based on radio. But loosely... You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Frank's not coming for breakfast after the show. It's all over. It really depressed me, that. OK, sorry about that.

First of all, problems, yeah. No, I'm just... Because he paid last week. That's all. That's true. Maybe I can just give you the cash to take with you. Put it in your glove, though, so you don't lose it. Do you know what?

I'd be very much obliged. Okay. If you would do that. No prompts. I think we need to read out this email. It's regarding Doctor Who. I thought we were going to have a Doctor Who embargo. Judge ye not.

Regarder the Doctor. Judge ye not, because it's relevant. It's to do with your week in many ways. Okay. Dear Doctor Skinner and his companions. I like that. I think it's nice if there are any interlopers. Like Frank, I'm a massive Doctor Who, it just says,

having watched it from the very first episode. I'm a massive Doctor Who. It must be Colin Baker. He's a massive Doctor Who. However, I was perturbed at the team last week tucking into the 11th Doctor's favourite dish of fish fingers and custard. I feel that I should point out to Frank that in reality, Matt Smith actually tucked into coconut-breaded cakes

made to look like fish fingers. What a wuss! Obviously not as brave as you and your colleagues. No, what's happened to method acting? Exactly. Can I point out that the sixth Doctor ate possum anus on live TV. And he was a method actor, yeah?

No, that was at my parents' house. I'd also like to congratulate Frank on realising his ambition of appearing in Doctor Who. Well, a 50th anniversary-related programme anyway. Perhaps Frank would like to elaborate to the readers on this particular achievement. That's from Steve. Can I say, I just read this, I thought that was a joke.

Yes. But I'm starting to think maybe this is true. No, Ian, it isn't a joke. Who is it saying that? It was after the anniversary special went out last week on the BBC, there was a red button option. Yeah. And the red button there was a red button option. Yeah. And the red button option was a programme called

The Five-ish Doctors Reboot. Oh, yeah. And it's a sort of... It's about the old classic doctors like Peter Davison and Sylvester McCoy and Colin Baker in particular trying to get into the 50th special in some way because they were excluded. to get into the 50th special in some way,

because they were excluded. So it's a spoof with lots of various cameo appearances. Jolly in-jokes. Lots of very, very in-jokes. But on Red Button, that's fine. Red Button is like the studio theatre to the main auditorium. Well, they spend a lot of money on these Red Button things. Sounds lovely. And, you know, I dropped a slight hint at the end.

In last week's show, I said I'm very much a red button person. I don't know if you noticed that. But anyway, you see, we were sworn to secrecy about this thing that we can't tell anyone. I didn't even tell Kath. Didn't you? Well, also, she'd have probably said it was incredibly, incredibly offensive.

So, no, and it was basically I play a Dalek operator so I'm just sitting I'm sitting in the Dalek operator's room

with Nick Briggs who's the voice of the Daleks the actual the proper voice of the Daleks and several other monsters and things

and David Troughton who is the son of Patrick Troughton Patrick Troughton's son? The second Doctor. Yes. So it was really exciting.

I just got an email from Peter Davison, who was also a Doctor, as you know, the fifth. Yeah. And he sent, you know,

would you like to be in this thing, blah, blah, blah. Hang on, has he turned into some casting director? Yeah, he directed it as well. And at the end,

he wrote Peter Davison, Doctor Number Five, in brackets. Excellent. So, yeah, it was properly, really fabulously exciting. But I have to say, it was lit in such a way that my belly was incredibly dominant. Was it? I'll show you a picture.

Oh. Still. And, I mean, I'll show you a picture. Oh. A still. And, I mean, I just thought, oh, my God. You know the six-pack challenge I nearly did last year and then they abandoned it? They was offered a six-pack challenge. Yeah. Well, now I think it would be more of a six-pack apocalypse.

So, but it was great. So, I haven't been in Doctor Who, but I was damn close. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. But it was great. So I haven't been in Doctor Who, but I was damn close. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I need to share something with you. Do you? I had an unfortunate dining experience recently.

Okay. I was meeting some friends in the aviation industry. High-flying? Yeah. You know, I'm quite well-connected in the aviation industry. High-fives? Yeah. You know, I'm quite well-connected in the aviation industry. I didn't know that. Yeah, well, I am. Oh, yes, you knew the man from BA or something. Oh, no, I do.

I know a few from BA. Okay. I've got a few contacts in BA. I arrived passionably late. I'm not a BA. I'm not one of the BA barricades. As they say in the A-Team. And we went to this restaurant, I won't name it.

No, don't name it. It was so awful, I think I should, but I won't. You could do a Kanye. Yeah, I could. Ask our readers, our readers in Burnley and the like, to boycott it. There were two men greeting you, and they looked very sinister. You know, the maitre d' is meant to be someone where they're welcoming and you want to come in.

Easiest job in the world, isn't it? You just say to people, excellent choice, madam. And how was your meal? These men, they looked like... They were quite old to be maitre d's, if I'm honest. They were in their late 60s. They looked very sleazy. They smelt of cigarettes. They were weird. Sounds like in their late 60s. They look very sleazy. They smell of cigarettes.

They were weird. Sounds like they were a messing thing. They were very Sopranos. I've got a worrying feeling about these, that at one point you say to the white, I didn't like the Maitre D, but we don't have a Maitre D. There were two brothers,

but they died in the 1950s. Oh. No. So I approached, and they went, hello. I said, well, hello. I said, oh, hello. I went, Brazilian or Indian? Oh, I think... You sure you haven't gone to the beauty parlour?

But I tried to make light of it. I said, neither, English. He went... He didn't laugh. No. He went, Brazilian or Indian? Just to put a little more emphasis. Oh, dear.

I thought, well, there was obviouslyia and upstairs and the brazilian restaurant downstairs so i thought my aviation friends they strike me as more brazilian fans yeah so i said brazilian so i went down huge staircase it was and could you hear from downstairs yeah i don't even tell you what i could hear people dancing which i heard all. It just went on all night. Could you hear... That would have been welcome respite. If you're going to go Brazilian, you're going to get all that. Well, I've been Brazilian before and that's never happened.

I was going to say, when you went down the stairs, was there just a thin strip of carpet right there? Anyway, continue. It was the seventh level of hell. It was awful. There was... You're meant to eat whilst people are having a dance class. What's the Brazilian dance?

I can't even remember. Oh, that would give me indigestion. Rumba. No, salsa. Samba. Yeah, something like that. I can't even eat near somebody who flails their elbows about. Oh, well, there's 15 people.

Makes me feel queasy. There's 15 people going... And a band. a band singing. So we sit down and you can't hear anything. He's just screaming, this Brazilian man, into the microphone. And there's the man on the Max Beasley type doing the...

Meanwhile, upstairs... Charlie Kelly Kelly, Charlie Kelly Kelly. Charlie Kelly Kelly. Oh, I so wish I'd been in Charlie Kelly Kelly. So much better. I love a bit of sitar. I know. I took the road less travelled and I made a terrible mistake as it turned out.

In fact, it was so loud. Everything's too themed. That was my problem with it. You go into the toilets. It had all Portuguese. I don't know what that is. That's confusing. And there's a man dancing by the toilets, by the ladies' toilets. In the end, I went up to the maitre d', I said,

excuse me, does this band play all night? Because I can't bear this. Can I tell you, remember when Steve Williams did the show? Do you remember? Yeah. I don't. I went, no, you weren't there. We went to, um,

a local restaurant after for brunch and I remember he went to the toilet and then he came back in and said to the waiter, um, M and,

uh, F, is that, is that fellas and, or mit, no, male and female.

Right. And off he went. It's great that he came back and checked. I love that was he joking? no he was serious I mean that's really obvious

well I don't know you know you want to be absolutely certain it's alright being it's like you know it's like blockbusters I know the gold run looks easy at home when you're actually standing there absolute

absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio standing there. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I'm in the Brazilian restaurant. I've gone for the Brazilian, not the Indian option. And I think I've made a terrible mistake.

Well, judging by the Gandhi-based opera I saw this week, you did. Could you hear the snapping of poppadoms from the stair above? That would have really upset me. When I went to the bathroom, as I was saying, it was awful. There was a Brazilian man dancing.

In the bathroom? In the communal area for the, what are they called? It's tough if you're not a passamoros. Portuguese men and women, whatever, senoras and omens. Was he dancing professionally or was he a customer? He was sort of gyrating. Was it amateurish? No, he was dancing professionally.

They paid him to dance there. They said, can you dance in the annex of the lavatories? Because we're not that proud of it. It was horrible. I went, oh! So I walked out. It's a bit like when they pop that bubblegum. It's been quite dramatic this week, hasn't it?

That's my sound effect. This week, we'll sit back down. The waitress comes over. She's one of those swishy ponytail and low-cut top, you know the type. I like her. She's the best thing about the trust on so far. Yes. She's the only redeeming feature of this story.

Well, I went off for a bit. She went, okay then, wine list for gentlemen, cocktail list for the ladies. What's the lot of Al Murray, yeah? I got a bit angry. She also works in the, in Leicester Square. That's what I said, Frank. I said, in a terrible twist of fate,

we like wine and they like cocktails. And what did she say to that? She didn't understand it, sure enough. Well, that's always a good response. Yeah. But I did end up going to the Maitre D' again. I said, look, how long is this going to go on, this music? Do they have a break?

He said, yes, they have a break. I said, when do they have a break? He went, up to them. I didn't like the sound of up to them. Wow, they're like jazz. I think this is the thing, though, is that what you feel with the Brazilians is party time forever. That's why I would have said no.

I don't want to go to the Brazilian restaurant because party time is not me. We left. We went up to the Indian for a nightcap. Is that true? Although I was clearing my house this week and I found a page. A big move. A page I'd ripped out of OK Magazine

in which I'd been voted Party Animal of the Year. How did that happen? And there was pictures of me at parties with girls and stuff. Was there? Me! Party Animal of the Year. I could have sort of forgotten

that any of that part of my life ever happened. I mean, there is a logic to it. If you want your party to be OK, then they invite you along and you don't drink and you just tell people facts and speak a bit of Latin and... Yeah, but people don't want that at parties. Exactly. Then they go home and go,

yeah, the party's okay. Do you want to go to, uh, do you want to go to... Do you want to go to... So they want a party. Exactly. You keep a party okay. Not amazing. I don't want to. Have you ever read Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia by Dr Samuel Johnson? It's a very good moral tale.

Are you going? Are you off? Sorry, I... Oh. Party animal of the year. Was that before you were Rear of the Year or after? Well, I don't know. I have to check my... I've got a timescale wall chart.

He's won a lot of awards, to be fair. Of the year. Yeah, but party animal. Anyway, sorry, I don't know where we got to. Anyway, well, that was it, really. I just decided never again. As far as the Brazilians go,

how do you think it was? It was awful. Was it meat? Cheese football. No, but thanks for the tip. Anywhere where it's that over-themed, my point is, the food's going to be terrible,

isn't it? Yeah. Yes. Was it better or worse than the fish fingers and custard that we had on this show last week? I don't know

because I didn't taste it. I thought that was fine but I must admit I didn't know that Matt Smith had chicken there. Coconut breaded.

Yeah. When I ate in the sitcom I was eating the actual food that I was eating. Prawn sandwiches. Cheese sandwiches. Crisps.

Anyway music. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've just had a slight moment here, because we're going to put Christmas jumpers on for some photos for Absolute. And Emily only had a jumper already on and a bra underneath. Nothing.

No T-shirt. And I wasn't going to put two jumpers on one over the other. And look chubby. No way. I don't want people to think I've chunked up. Me and the cockerel literally sat with our backs to Emily while she did the deed. And we all forgot that there's actually a webcam

in the studio. So I basically have done a free strip. So men who watch this show just hoping to get a flick of Emily's hair as a special moment of actually, Christmas has indeed come early for them. How lovely.

We had a text, didn't we, from the tweet lady. Yeah, I can't imagine what text we'll have for next week's show after that moment, but yeah, we've had a text that read my tweet, Gettysburg faux pas. I realised as soon as I had sent it, what a damn fool I am. And because you'd not read it out straight away,

I thought I'd got away with it. This was a lady that said the Gettysburg address could have been two tweets because she got characters and words mixed up. Yeah, it was tough, wasn't it? But you know, the cockerel did read it out thinking it was a valid point. Yeah, I totally read it out thinking that it was right.

I'm a fool also. So don't feel too bad. Remember, he's a very respected actor. I am, yeah. And comedian. Frank, also, are you an actor and comedian now, or are you a comedian and actor? Oh, come on.

You've known me as a comedian for so many years. I know, but you've changed. A month and a half. I've changed, and that's the problem. You certainly are. How many people now are looking on iPlayer on the off chance you can get the Absolute Radio webcam?

Can you scroll back on a webcam? I can't believe I've done that. I don't think you can scroll back. Thankfully. It's full on, Frank. Right, this is from Phil, and I'm going to read this out, because you were talking about Doctor Who. Okay, well, after this we'll have an embargo to the rest of the year on Doctor Who. We will. Phil says, Hi, Frank and the team.

I feel compelled to contact you with this missed panel opportunity in last week's Doctor Who episode. I loved the 50th anniversary episode, but really wanted the Doctor to forgive the Zygons at the end of the episode just so he could have said, let's let Zygons be Zygons. Fabulous. Long-time reader, that's Phil, 793. I do, yeah.

Yeah, but I think by the end, the Doctor was just trying to work out what Tom Baker was doing there. That was one of the great mysteries, that Tom Baker turned up as the curator of the National Gallery, and we weren't sure whether it was supposed to be... Him as himself. ..that the Doctor had somehow retired after his regeneration. Right.

Which is impossible. Anyway, we didn't quite... It's that moment when original British drama, that thing they put on the front of... Oh, yeah, yeah. ..original British drama became surprise, surprise. Let's just get Tom Baker on. Doesn't need to make any sense.

But I loved the show. It was great. On the missed ponds thing, I was watching one of those, you know those Kevin Bacon phone type adverts? Oh, yes. There's one in which he talks about, since I've been living in England, I've discovered the no-brainer.

And he starts talking about what a no-brainer is. And one of his examples, he goes into a cafe and he and he says no but she goes croissant or full english and he says no-brainer full english and then he eats the full english and that isn't a bacon joke oh can you believe that he must have said you know i look i like fun but no bacon no bacon punnery that's in his contract Will Drive Self and no bacon puns fancy missing that Will Drive Self is that his middle name? ok anyway Mark Crossley is coming up next

and thank you so much for listening and for watching some of you and if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from eight. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

Absolute Radio.