The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Injury Time

Episode Date: June 21, 2014

It's the week of the work related injury and Frank and the team discuss celeb broken ankles. They also talk about Frank's dream, Emily's run in on the underground and where the Proclaimers would be if they walked 500 miles and 500 more.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And now, you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show directly through the Absolute Radio website, but please don't text us this morning. In short, we're sick of it. Yeah, we're just over it. I've had enough now with the texting thing.

Shut up. Stormer, are you opening for a show? This is a pre-recorded show, so if you text us, do we not bleed? That's wrong, isn't it? If you text us, we won't be able to read those texts out because we're not live and I don't want you wasting your money

in the current climate. Oh, using up my memory. Oh, my storage is always full these days. Is it? Oh no, I thought it was the jeans were just a bit tightly caught. Yeah, so how can I tell you? I know we have a bit of a rule on this show that telling people

your dreams is profoundly boring. But if I don't share this with someone, I'm just... Oh, you're not going to tell a dream. I'm going to bust... I know. OK, I will allow you to tell the dream. Well, the great thing about this... Hang on, if he gets one, can I have one?

No, because you know why? It's like someone telling... It's like your life being directed by the Mighty Boosh. Oh, OK. That's what a dream is like. Yeah, well... There's nothing wrong with that. This is a bit more real.

There's no, you know... Also, can I point out, I just managed to say bust on Absolute Radio without anyone really noticing, which I'm quite excited about. Anyway, so... OK, so tell us about when the shark ate the bubble gum. No, it's nothing like that. My dreams aren't like that. Oh, it's always that, isn't it?

No, no, my dreams are always I'm in the supermarket buying cheese. It's always stuff like that. Oh, it's always that, isn't it? No, no, my dreams are always, I'm in the supermarket buying cheese. It's always stuff like that. Okay. Anyway, what it was, I was in a taxi cab with Adam Rickett. Oh, yeah? Do you remember him? He's from Coronation Street. Muscle-bound young man. Muscle-bound, yeah. He was once naked in one of his pop

videos. Yeah. Remember he had a pop career? I don't remember that. Oh, I do. You do. I met him at a rave once in the 90s. Did you? Genuinely. Wow. Lovely. Well, that's quite the remember that oh i do you do i met him at a rave once in the 90s genuinely wow lovely well that's quietly taking me back now um did you ricky i spoke to him i'm thinking what andy gray would have said if someone said yeah no i only spoke to him for about five minutes i don't want my new boyfriend to hear me saying this no spoke to adam rickett for five minutes congratulations that's a bit like being on just a minute like the golden final i don't know you might be brilliant but anyway in this dream we were sharing a cab

and um i said i've got to get out of here and he said okay well give me some money you know for your for your half of the fare i said okay i said. And he said, OK, well, give me some money, you know, for your half of the fare. I said, OK. I said, what do you want? And he said, just give me some £20 notes. I said, are you kidding me? And he said, look, and he pointed at the meter. It was 260 quid.

Where did you come from, Birmingham? I don't know where we'd been and I don't know where we were going. This is an anxiety dream, isn't it? You had a big bill in that day. No. This is getting a cab driver to drive around while you're up to no good. So he said, give me some notes. I know I've done that.

Give me some notes, he said. And he basically took all the money out of my wallet. I mean, I handed it to him. And then I got out and I was still a bit light, I think. Anyway, I woke up then. And I woke up, it was like two in the morning. And honestly, I was genuinely shaken and upset. Like I'd had some terrible dream about, you know, death and stuff.

Yeah. It was really upset. I don't know whether it was the money or the Ricky. Something had upset me properly. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, that dream's depressing. Well, is it depressing?

I mean, it suggests I'm living the high life, doesn't it? Oh, with Adam Ricketts in a minicab. No, I think it was a black cab. Was it a black cab? Yeah, it had a metre. That was extravagant. Um, yeah, it was, um... Maybe it was an anxiety dream about that black cab strike

that was on last week when they all drove into Trafalgar Square. You know, that was in the news. Could have been that. I think, if I had to bet, I would say it's to do with the flimsiness of fame. Oh, yeah. I'd been... Doctor Who. I'd used... I'd taken Chico's name in vain on the last show.

I believe you referred to him as Poor Devil. Yeah, and I think maybe suddenly suddenly i felt that in a way i was in the same black cab as ricky you know why are you calling him rickett like he's madonna his name's adam rickett okay it is rickett not ricketts isn't it does it matter well it matters to um rickettians everywhere i bet he's got a fan club that's called something like Can You Rickett? Yes, He Can, or something like that. Yeah. I went to a Gerry Anderson.

Do you know Gerry Anderson who did Thunderbirds? Oh, yeah. I went to a thing organised by his fan club, and they're called Fanderson. Very good. That's rather good. Excellent. Actually.

Oh, yeah, so. Yeah, so I... So I dreamt that I... That's what we're doing, innit? No, but yours is going to be in the Shark 8, the bubble gum. It might be a bit. I dreamt that I was riding a Lambretta scooter with my daughter in the footwell of it. In the foot...

You know, the footwell of a scooter, like a Vespa-style scooter. She was just sat there, no seatbelt on, and I'm a health and safety dad. I wince even, like, at the swings. Was she not strapped in or anything? Not strapped in. And in keeping with her personality, she was loving that.

Yeah, I bet she was. She's totally fine with it. But looking back on it now, I wish I hadn't done that. No. Anyway. But no harm came of it. Well, exactly. It was only a dream.

This is the joy of the dream. I feel one can be a bit haphazard with health and safety in a dream. What I hate about dreams is the narrative structure is just all over the place. And characters change, and I won't have characters changing. Doesn't that frustrate you? Does that not bother you about neighbours? When your boyfriend turns into your accountant.

Well, that can easily happen. That's what's happened in my relationship. I have to say, to be fair, that Ricky was pretty consistent throughout. Yeah. I'm glad to hear it. He was so tender. He hasn't changed a bit, actually. But how could he have?

I have no data to change him. Wasn't he famous for his bod? Yeah. Yes. He still looked pretty ripped. In my dream. He looked ripped? Yeah. I mean, for all I know, he might be clinically obese.

He might. He was regularly the fittest fella in soap, I seem to recall. Was he? Mm. OK. Well, let's look him up and find out. Yeah. If you know anything interesting about Adam Rickett,

don't text us, because we're not live. Yeah. Also, back to the real world now, I was at Heathrow Airport. Heathrow Airport? Airport, sorry. It's a wig transporter. Heathrow Airport.

Yeah. I'm sorry, let me try that again. Heathrow Airport. Yeah. And, now, what do you think about... I was queuing up to go through to the gate so i had you know boarding pass and uh passport in hand and cloak of celebrity well not really i didn't feel that at all um and there was a there was a woman who was taking the passports and she's going thank you can you thank you for it and i thought

oh she sounds awful and it was like a real frog in the throat dry throat and it so happened i'd got a packet of tunes in my pocket oh lovely and um which i had which i bought in the 1970s shop around the corner from our nora so um as i went through i said would you like one of these and honestly she looked as if i'd um lowered my uh clothing she went um you don't mean your tie she said she said i'm good have a good flight i really looked away from me and i wanted wanted to pull her up, obviously, on the repetition of good. Yeah. As in, I'm good, have a good flight.

I'm glad you didn't. I didn't seem right. Maybe she thought you were implying she had bad breath. Well, I said you sound like you've got... But I could tell. She looked at the bloke who was next to her in a kind of a... I know when I walked off, she went, weirdo. It was a good turn.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Blondie. I had, what was that? Hitler's dying words. Some of you may know Hitler died in the arms of his Alsatian. Technically the legs. But it sounds less romantic. Some of you may know Hitler died in the arms of his Alsatian. Technically the legs.

But it sounds less romantic, I always thought. Speaking of legs, I had pains in my thighs, both thighs this week. I hadn't been doing any physical exercise. And I thought, I've had these pains before, and I think what? Is it possible to get growing pains into your 50s? Well, I'm not a doctor, but I would guess not. Are growing pains a real thing? Yeah.

Are they caused by growing? I don't think so. No, I think they are. i think the pain is real oh the pain's real enough i don't know if the cause is definitely growing i think it's just what we call them i think they are a real thing but not not at your age if you don't mind me saying well hold on if they're not as as the cockerel suggests tied to growing then sure you can get them at any age well could you you're making the rookie error of assuming that the cockerel's right. Yeah. Could there be a thing called shrinking pains in which you get in later life

when you're about to become stooped and wizened? That's going to be very difficult for the doctors. Stooped and wizened. What a double act they were. Hello, I'm stooped! And I'm wizened! Well, they really... I mean, do kids still get them?

I haven't heard of them for years My little boy gets growing pains What about the old The voices still break, or is that gone? I think voices still break I never hear voices breaking No, you never hear that mentioned It's one of those 70s things that's disappeared

Yes, it's so many You guys hang around with 15-year-old boys a lot, do you? That this is coming up all the time wait well no i would suggest not but if you were if you were high school teachers i would imagine you'd go yeah voice is still in a way we are all high school teachers yeah can't you tell by how terrible breath until by the age of my boyfriend. I like the way the information is gradually being drip-fed to our readers. You say drip-fed, I would say boasted about. Oh, jealous much?

That's what I do if anyone's a bit jealous. It's a bit from John Lennon's Jealous Guy. Oh, lovely. I think it was the last whistling hit in the British charts. Was it? Big fan of whistling on the recorded format, aren't you? One thing I'm going to say about the pains you're experiencing. One of the things I've always loved most about you is your tolerance for pain.

Yes. Don't lose that. I think that comes from the community he's a member of, you know. Yes. That's so much not a tolerance of as a hankering for. Yeah, certainly my S&M compatriots. Obviously they feed on pain like a budgerigar feeds on cuttlefish. But this is different.

This is coming from the inside. And that ain't so good inner thigh pain inner thigh pain you could do a lot of skateboarding or something like that not much I bought a red and yellow tri-hang scooter with white wheels

which I've been going to the butchers on but that was 1968 i don't i'm just how do you get me a birthday card while you're back there well it did make me realize though that i've never heard anyone mention either growing pains or um or breaking voices and i did wonder if it's something you know like people don't have a lazy eye anymore i just i wonder if it's it's a thing that's don't they get lazy eyes then no no i don't you a lazy eye anymore. I wonder if it's a thing that's just... Don't they get lazy eyes then? No, no, I don't. You can call them that anymore. You started it.

It's politically incorrect. You have to call it an unmotivated eye. Disenfranchised eye. That's what I've got. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We were on the subject of things that feel a bit 1970s.

I think so far we've had tunes, growing pains and voice breaking. I did something which I associate with the past. I was mowing the lawn this week. You know I'm partial now to mowing the lawn. It's one of my great pleasures. And not occasionally. It sounds like you're really racking up the miles on the lawnmower there. Well, I've got it at quite a high setting.

Are you worried about the cost, Al? No. Okay. I thought it might be a saddle sore. Maybe that's just hurting the thighs. No, I've got... I'm not a strider. It's not one of those.

Oh, OK. No, it's a pusher. But I've got it at a high setting, so I have to do it quite regularly. Oh, be careful with that. It's a new law. You don't want it to take on a life of its own. No, no, but I don't want to go too deep on it at the moment.

It's touch and go. The first time I did it, it looked like I'd staged a motocross event at the end of it, so I've had to be careful. But anyway, the lead came out while I was doing it. Oh, no. How long did it take you to realise? Well, it stops immediately.

Oh, OK. But I also, if I know anything about modern gardening, the one thing I do know is don't mow over the lead. They always tell you that. So it happened, and I went... And that is something that my dad used to do. I'd completely forgotten about. I've never totted.

Unless maybe if I was doing a Skippy impression. But I've never totted in, you maybe if i was doing a skippy impression yeah but i've never totted in you know kind of way and i don't know whether it's to do made me wonder is um because you can't really swear when you've got a small child so maybe it's a substitute for that but it really you know when people said he doesn't strike me as the type that that would have bothered him particularly oh my dad yeah well i've never heard him swear much, to be honest, but I did hear him go, and in fact, when he got really upset, there was levels of intensity, so if

he was really miffed, he'd go, it was like, like an animal alarm, you know, like when beavers slap their tails on the water if there's a predator in the area. Yeah. It was like that, it was like he was warning the whole family that there was a

there was a cougar on the bank that's rather nice that you're becoming like your dad is he yeah i don't know if i can cope with the regular pub fighting not we all saw legs no he did threaten to it happens to us all i'll be running up bills i can't pay arby nichols soon oh yeah yeah no he threatened to hang. I'll be running up bills I can't pay at Harvey Nichols soon. Oh, yeah. No, he threatened to hang the manager of the two brewers. From the lamppost outside. He didn't actually threaten to do that. He did say that, yeah. Hang!

It's so specific. Why didn't he just say he'll do your head in? I'll hang you. Yeah. Not only hanged him, but he actually named a location. And I think I'll stick with the tot in. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So we should probably wrestle with the World Cup. Well, the World Cup. We should really discuss that. And the biggest story, I think, it's pretty much agreed universally, the biggest story so far is Robbie Savage nearly not making it because he took his wife's passport to the airport

by accident and then tweeted he thanked British Airways he thanked British Airways at British Airways great staff for rushing me through as I turned up with my wife's passport just got it back in the nick of time and then he said it's because they've got the same haircut have you seen her?

I've seen her it's an easy mistake both blonde bobs both seen a thousand Ibithas this happened with me and Osher. Did it? I grabbed this. I don't know if you remember. Readers may remember that I did a celebrity lookalike app,

and that was what they found as my lookalike. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Didn't quite work for me. I got Kate Garroway. I took it. That's pretty good. I mean, you have to wonder.

I had a friend who was obsessed with Kate Garroway. Oh. Really? Derek Draper? Then, dear reader, he married her. No, it wasn't. It wasn't Derek Draper. Um. Is he from Batman? Derek Draper. No, that's Don Draper. Derek Draper's an MP, love. Turned psychologist. I need to sort themselves out

with their names. Sort themselves out? Yeah, I, um. The whole, um, the man taking a woman's passport because of the haircut thing that that must have happened to brian may and anita dobson oh yes every time he goes on oh yes i sounded like the woman at the check-in desk that's why british airways have got a system in place for it because they've gone oh it's the dobson may problem come on let's sort this out it's like the dot worth lewis method dobson May problem. Crankies, maybe it happened. Yeah. Yeah.

Meet me in the Leeds Ring of Europe, maybe. I've got to say, I think we should not let it pass, though, that a man having the same hair as his wife is not a good thing, in my opinion. Okay. I mean, I once, I uh living with a woman who used sunning on her hair and it went yellow yeah um that was a sort of but i tried it i thought oh i'll try this as well we both had matching yellow hair you had yellow hair both of us yeah oh it really looked like we deliberately done it like when sometimes... I once saw Canadian tourists with both maple leaf leather jackets on.

Oh, yeah, yeah, they loved that. That was awful. But I don't think men dyeing their hair is very acceptable. You think not? No. And I don't think we should be so forgiving. I think it's very accepted. It is accepted, isn't it?

Is it? I think these days... Is it all right that he's got long, yellow, blondie hair like that? I don't think it is. If I had the choice between dyeing my hair and just dying, I'd go for the latter. Oh, you know what? We're all God's children.

It's different for the ladies. I think ladies dyeing... I don't know if a bloke's got... That sentiment was brought to you from 1953. No, I just think it's... It's different for the ladies. It's a tradition for the ladies dyeing their hair. And I accept that.

But I'm not. We see Australian cricketers with the blonde highlights. You're thinking of one specifically. He's got all sorts of problems. I don't think it's a good thing. If I was going to dye my hair, I'd go sort of blue or red. Something like that. That's disgusting. Red.

You would red hair. What I don't like is the idea that Robbie Savage thinks he's fooling us. He thinks that we're thinking, oh, he's very blonde. I wonder if he's got any Scandinavian blood in him. I don't like that. I don't like the fact that he's sniggering at my back as I leave the

studio. That he's fooled me with his hair dying. He got through though, didn't he? Yeah. How did he get through with his hair dyeing. He got through, though, didn't he? Yeah. How did he get through with his wife's passport? Well, just through it with his face, as I do. No, I think they must have let him get it couriered to him or something.

No, do you know what he did? That sounds suspicious to me. He offered one of them a tunes. Is that what happened? Well, he had more success than I did. Absolute, Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, that Robbie Savage story, I told my wife it. I read it and went, oh, Robbie Savage nearly didn't get to the World Cooke because he turned up with his wife's passbook because they've got the same hair.

And I think it is the most she has laughed at anything I've said in about the last five years it really tickled her i mean like it's up there with the time i did an impression of duncan bannertine and she got a bit of marmalade cake stuck in her tonsils oh really three days three days i remember that it's about the funniest she's ever found it was in the express in the Express. Yeah, it was definitely the Express. Just under that picture of Princess Diana on the cover. Yeah. I think it was Scottish Express as well.

Oh, yeah. Oh, what about Gary Lewin? Oh, yes. That was the other, apart from Thierry's cardigans, that's been the other big news. Yeah. So he's a physio, isn't he? He jumped up to celebrate.

Yeah. And he dislocated his ankle ankle he trod on a water bottle well his i'll tell you where his wife's put it she said he's broken the end of his tibia and fraction the end of his fibula yeah okay all right edward leah now hear the word of the lord yeah she's uh you can tell she goes out with a physiotherapist. She's gone to the chart, that's what she is, because she's gone to that chart in his office. And she's actually, she's named and shamed. You know what his daughter said, which I love.

She might well have a qualification in it herself. She might. That's what the daughter said. Oh, they stick together. She said. Obviously he's gutted. She actually said gutted is the official statement. Dad's as sick as a parrot.

We're over the moon to be getting him back though I shouldn't think if he's going to get injured every time England score in a World Cup he's not going to have too trepidatious a life we say this of course

they might have won 4-0 on Thursday they might although why I was embarrassed more likely they're out I was embarrassed for him though because it seemed disproportionate to have an injury like that. It wasn't like, you know, England-Germany penalty shootout, was it?

We didn't even win. No, but, you know, when we did win in 1966, Alf Ramsey, the England manager, didn't even applaud. He didn't get up out of his seat. He just sat there very calmly. Because he knew that when you get to be a middle-aged man, you don't want to be running around the edge of the pitch. It's an uneven surface. You're asking for trouble.

But Gary Lennon thinks he's still one of the players. Let the players celebrate. I like it. They gather their belongings. They pick up their Lucas. And then they get into the dressing room and leave it to the players to celebrate. And they should be plotting the next assault. Well, you know that...

When I say assault, I mean assault on the World Cup. Yes. I'm not suggesting the England team or... I just worry about the laddie sport banter that he'll get now. Lady, you pronounce it? Lady? Yeah. Really? I thought it was laddie.

I'm sorry. I thought you were... No, I think they'll be like oh when he's when they next see him they'll be like watch out gary there's a bottle of water there don't slip and hurt your foot on that you won't be able to walk past the butchers we have heard none had to apologize already yeah he said my bad didn't he he did say my bad what did he say he was laughing he was what did he say he He was laughing. He was, what did he say? He tweeted something like, oh, the physio's hurt. What happened to run it off, lads? Or something, you know, like they would say, run it off. Yeah.

And then he had to tweet an hour later saying, just found out that the injury's quite serious. Sorry, my bad. I think you have to apologize for that. Surely banter is the very life's blood of the world of football. And also, he's only a physio. Yeah, exactly. Come on, he's only a physio. Yeah, exactly. Come on, he's not one of the real stars, is he?

No, I mean, I wasn't thinking, oh, no, how are we going to get on now? We've got no chance now in the World Cup without our main physio. That wife, she's been speaking out again. She's quite pushy, that physio wife. Is that right? Mrs Lewin.

Why isn't she stopping her, Frank? She's probably drinking embrocation. That's what she said now. She said she's got a conspiracy theory. Oh, Frank. She's probably drinking embrication. That's what she said now. She said she's got a conspiracy theory. Oh, no. She blamed the groundsman. She said they shouldn't have watered the AstroTurf in front of the dugout. Well, tell me about it.

Well, if they were going to do it, they should have took the water out the bottles first. Never blame the groundsman. That's a good adage for life. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Not the changing man. I've had this suit on for three weeks. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do not text us this week because we ain't live. Oh, I don't know about ain't.

Ain't is what sort of salesmen say. Oh, not their ain't. Deliberately, stylishly about ain't. Ain't is what sort of salesmen say. Oh, I can't bear ain't. They deliberately, stylishly say ain't. Do they? Yeah, they say, I'll tell you something, I ain't joking. Oh, yeah. They'll say that, yeah. God bless them if there's any salesmen listening.

Respect. Poor devils. Let's be going back to Robbie Savage. Oh, I always like to. I flew at the weekend. Did you? That's where I had my children's incident. Yeah.

This thing where you have to put your toiletries into a see-through plastic bag. Oh, yeah. And what has the X-ray equipment, has it broken down at airports? Well, they just want absolute clarity. Absolute clarity is a station that they're working on, isn't it? Absolute clarity. Yeah. Well, you know, they x-ray the rest of the bag.

Why should the toiletries have to be in some see-through? Why not have to have see-through luggage? You're looking at me quite searchingly as if I am an aviation official. It doesn't make any sense to me, the see-through bag for the toiletries. No. I quite like it. Do you? Yeah, I like the see-through bag. I find it aviation official. It doesn't make any sense to me, the see-through bag for the toiletries. No. I quite like it. Do you? Yeah, I like the see-through bag.

I find it very annoying. Especially if I'm travelling with a gentleman. I like to know what he's got up his sleeve. Oh, no. That's after surprise, I think, when you get into a hotel room. Anyway. Oh, speaking of injuries, what about... I mean, this is a real bad one. Oh, this is so embarrassing.

If Harrison Ford is going to get injured, don't get injured by the Millennium Falcon. I mean, that is just wrong. He suffered chest and pelvic injuries, and he broke his ankle as well, just like Gary. I know, it's been a week for that. Gary Lewin's wife had something to say about Harrison Ford. Yeah, what did she say? No, I'm sure she did, though. She said they shouldn't have watered the Millennium Falcon.

Exactly. Yeah, it was out of control. It was, I'll tell you what I learnt, though, from the Harrison Ford story. A hydraulic door fell on him, we should say. Yeah, or clothes. It fell, didn't it? Yeah, it fell. From the Falcon. He had, we should say. Yeah. Or clothes. It fell, didn't it? Yeah, it fell. From the fog. He had one of his

falls, Frank. He did. He's got an interesting face, actually, Harrison Ford. He's a handsome man viewed through water, is what he looks like. Because as he's got older, one eye's got a bit big and the mouth's gone slightly. And it just looks like he's... I didn't know

that he was married to Callista Flockhart. Oh, I did. I did, but fairly recently. Really? They've really passed me by for ages, though. Yeah. I can't work with you people. Yeah.

You know nothing. We're up now. It did strike me that their children... Oh, congratulations. I don't know if they've got children, but if they do... They've got adopted children, yeah. Well, their surnames will almost certainly be Ford Flockhart. And I bet at school they get teased because that sounds like Fort Boyard,

the old Leslie Grantham game show. You remember where that... You think so? Yeah, you remember where that... I'm not sure in Bel-Air if they're that aware of Fort Boyard. Oh, I don't know. Surely they remember. Remember that these...

I mean, we remember it, but I don't think the kids in LA do. A dwarf used to run round the perimeter of the sea-bound citadel. Absolute fall power. I used to think, be careful, for goodness sake. Was Melinda Messenger in that? Who else was in Fort Boyard? Was Messenger in it? Messenger.

I don't know about that. I don't know if Messenger was in it, but certainly Grantham. This was pre-internet days, I think, of course, when things went a little bit wrong. Oh, we forgave him for shooting someone in a taxi cab, but we couldn't forgive him for that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

The thing about this Harrison Ford is they're currently having to shoot him from the waist up. They did that with Elvis on the Ed Sullivan show. Yeah, but I hope they don't write it into the script and it's all clumsy. Don't get up, Hans. That's what they're going to say. No, no, honestly, you stay sitting.

I like the idea of it being written in because the next film is 35 years after the last one, so in that time, he could have become quite a frail old man, couldn't he? Well, they could put him in, like, a space-age wheelchair, which would look brilliant. Yeah. And say stuff like, oh...

Or he could just be leaning on a stable door for the whole thing. Yeah, the whole thing. With the bottom bit closed. They're going to have to give him one of those little alarms. You know, in the lanyard, they give the elderly. Oh, yeah. Mr Ford knows help is on its way. That's what it'll say.

It's set in the future, though, isn't it? Oh, yeah. So I think a hover wheelchair on its way. That's what it'll say. It's set in the future though isn't it? So I think a hover wheelchair would be fantastic. That'd be good. Well and maybe just a more frail Han Solo like his drinking oval team and he's got brittle bones and stuff so he's got to be careful that's fine isn't it?

His injury is less embarrassing than Gary Lewin's to be fair. But neither are as embarrassing as my friend Jane, who got up excitedly to dance to the theme tune to George and Mildred and broke her ankle. Oh, wow. How does it go, the theme tune to George and Mildred? I don't remember. I'm usually pretty good on those, but I don't remember.

It's good you can dance to it. Yeah, you can. She couldn't. She broke her ankle I once put myself in the eye with the corner of a duvet And it was one of the most painful injuries I've ever had What were you doing down there? I was leaping out of bed

Why I was that happy to greet the world It doesn't sound like me Leaping out of bed? Do you sleep diagonally? He's so starfish I flicked the covers like that And kind of went, this isn't making great video I'm saying like that a bed? A lep's out of bed? Do you sleep diagonally? He's so starfish. I sort of flicked the covers like that

and kind of went oh this is making great video. You went whoa! I'm saying like that. And I bounced. This is years ago so I was much more jolly

then I imagine. If you can draw a diagram we can put it on the website. Yeah okay no problem. We can look at while they're listening to this bit. We could probably

make a vine of it if we knew what that was or how to do that. A vine? That's what they're all about. I can imagine you being very excitable and playing a bit of Supergrass maybe. Yeah maybe that knew what that was or how to do that. A vine? That's what they're all about. I can imagine you being very excitable and playing a bit of

Supergrass, maybe. Yeah, maybe that's what it was. Can't you imagine, Frank, back in the 90s? Trying to show off to a girl, going, ooh, flying carpet, flying, ow! Yeah, I can imagine that happening. What if you did one of those when the feathers stick it out a bit?

Don't you hate a rogue feather in the bedroom? Oh. Pardon? Yes. Oh, I can't bear it. No, no, it's awful. They're quite pointy at one end. Thatly.

Yeah. Whereas at the other end, well, I think my most embarrassing, it's embarrassing, but it's been a, it's almost Ricky's-esque. Yeah. Is I got, I started to get real pains in my right shoulder and i worked out i i'm not certain about this i think it was i had my photo taken so much in those days with my arm around people but i got repetitive uh strain

injury yeah and funnily enough in recent years it seems to have healed up now what does that tell you about my career or is it just that more people are doing selfies and there's no need for your arm to go around that's so kind of you Alan yeah I try and bail out his you've helped him out you've helped a brother out

I'm a good guy what about when I broke my toe in a wardrobe and Philip Schofield's driver had to take me to A&E? It's awful. That's a good story. Was this white hair or black hair? Do you remember when he had a period when he dyed his hair black? Yeah, silvery.

Oh, he stuck with that, OK. Fair enough. I should say it was in a professional capacity. I wasn't at his house or anything. No, no. I assumed he was playing Mr. Timness. I fancy a little wonder and you know where I like to go when I fancy a wonder. Well, it just so happens I have the vehicle. E-mail corner. Ooh, wonga, wonga.

Lovely. So this first missive is from Prisoner389. OK. He says, Dear Frank, the Divine Miss M and Venn Diagram. Oh, why won't they let it drop? Long-time reader, first-time writer. On the way back from a very rare visit to my local pub this evening...

Oh, I know how it feels. I decided I must discover for myself a regular friend of the show I've been meaning to search out for years. Bear with me. After a good ten minutes stumbling around the local graveyard... Oh, dear. I'm less confident this is a rare visit. Accompanied only by two friends and dim

lighting from our mobile phones, we finally managed to locate the grave of Peter the Wild Boy. Ah! He's well hidden. Yes, that's it with burial. I find they tend not to leave bits out. Hence the ten minute search,

but next time you're in a North church, pop by and I'll show you where he is. I live just over the road and I'm considering becoming an official tour guide just for readers. Oh. We should go. That'll keep you busy most of the year.

That'll be a nice outing for us. I'd love to go. I'd love to go. We could sit around there and sing songs without words. Eat onions. We could leave an onion on the grave like they do with cigarettes on Jim Morrison's grave. Yeah.

And we can stare into fires. Stare into fires, yeah. That's really good for your retina. Yeah, he'd love that. That sounds like a great day out, guys. Where is it again? North Church. Where's that?

Why are you asking me? Is it Buckinghamshire or somewhere like that? Oh, come on, you're guessing wildly. Yeah, I'm guessing wildly where Peter the Wild Boy is buried. I like a famous grave. I've visited many a one in my time. I think we once had a text in, didn't we? We did do Watch Your Favourite Grave.

I like Karl Marx. I stopped going to the dessert in my shoulder. I think my photo took with the headstone. You want a photo with your arm around the headstone. That's what it's all about. That was one of my, that was my bogeyman when I was growing up, Karl Marx. I was terrified of him. Really?

No, it was Martin Luther in Harris. I wasn't. My dad used to say, Martin Luther, I'm coming to get you. It's an anti-protest. Child rearing. Oh, happy days. Any other emails now that we're truly cornered? Let's carry on.

Dear Alan, good start. Oh, lovely Alan. I'm waiting for the rest of the list. Sadly, absent. I think this is a direct-to-me email. Fair enough. I was re-listening to a podcast from April, the show when a listener corrected you about your use of a word you use

to say you are, for example, moving on to email corner. Do you remember this? Yes. Alan, you were right. I just thought I'd leave that as a pause there, because I'm enjoying that. Alan, you were right. Take a look at the link below which shows the definition of sashay, which is to walk in an ostentatious yet casual manner, typically with exaggerated movements of the hips and shoulders. Not sashay, as the listener was inferring. They weren't inferring, they

were claiming. They were, they were chastising me. Long time listener, regular emailer, loyal subject Kelly. Well done, you've dispelled all confusion there, Kelly. In fact, it's a sort of a sachet dispel. Oh, I love that. If you remember sachet dispel,

but he sang Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head. They play a lot of his music in that shop where your Nora buys the cards. He's very handsome, though. That is how we get to Email Corner, isn't it? We walk in an ostentatious yet casual manner, typically with exaggerated movements of the hips. And in fact, I think

that might have been what has caused my back problem, which has reared its head since doing the show. And maybe my thigh pains. All that sashaying into Email Corner. And Emily's extra storage. I've got a theory we should be warming up before the show. I think you'll find my extra storage has a name. It's called I Have an Anterior Pelvic Tilt.

Do you? Yeah. And it's a beauty. There's a song about that, isn't there? I Have an Anterior Pelvic Tilt. There isn't. And I ride the main road. I, um...

Shall we sidle on to the next track? Oh, go on. Oh! We're not really going to do that, so don't get too excited. You don't want to be worshipping false sidles. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8

on Absolute Radio. What about in that musical in-scoop when I just said I had a body like Diego Maradona? Hmm. Shook us all there. I mean, you know, waxing is so easily attainable nowadays. There's no excuse for it. I just meant... She's an Argentinian. He's got a bit of an anterior pelvic tilt.

What is an Argentinian? I don't know. I know what a Brazilian is. Exactly. Sorry. No, you can't get that anymore. They don't allow you to count Argentinians anymore. No, quite right.

Yes, anterior pelvic tilt. Anterior. Anterior. Anterior. Yes, okay. I've got it. Antarctic. Scott Parker's got it.

Scott Parker's got it. He might not know. Oh, sorry. No, but it's a lovely positive thing. Yeah, I suppose it is. And Sterling's got it. Scott Parker's got it. He might not know. Oh, sorry. No, but it's a lovely positive thing. Yeah, I suppose it is. And Sterling's got it. Weevils, they all let it. No, they haven't.

Have they not? They've got no definition. They're like potatoes. Yeah, they are. They're creatures which cannot be pushed over. That's their definition. Okay. We're still in the corner.

Yes, we are. We have something in from Michael Stone. Well, is he called Michael Stone Penzance? Or is he Michael Stone from Penzance? He must be from Penzance. I think he's from Penzance, yeah. OK. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan,

the only cap used is for the E. Can I just say? OK. I need your help. If the cap fits. I need your help. All caps locked. We're here to help.

Whilst reminiscing on a video-style sharing website of past glories of Absolute's very own Mr Radio... That's lovely. I was suddenly... Can I just stop you there? Can I just say, on the subject of fame and glory, I went into the first-class lounge at Euston Railway Station. Oh, yeah.

And I walked in and the woman on the counter said, I love you. Brilliant. And I thought, well, no one's said that to me for about seven or eight years. And I said, thank you very much. She said, no, really, really, I love you. Oh, lovely thing. And I says, thanks.

That's really nice. Thank you very much. And I says, thanks. That's really nice. Thank you very much. And I went in. As I walked away, she said to the bloke who was on the deck, she said, God, I'm really excited now. Doesn't take much, does it? Slightly spartan for me. Slightly spartan.

That's what Cass says as well. That's what fame's all about. Carry on. Anyway, Michael Stone Penzance continues, I was suddenly taken back to incubus I suffered some 19 years ago. I like his use of incubus. I do as well. I've never used it in that form before.

During a clip of an episode of Fantasy Football, that was a show that Mr Radio used to do with David Baddiel. Yes, many years. Some 20 years ago it began. Can you believe that? That's when I decided to get friends with you. In about 1995, starring Sean Bean and Lenny Bennett. OK, Sean Bean, he had a Brazilian.

A caption of Frank's team. In fact, it's another term for it. Sorry, carry on. Frank's team. In fact, it's another term for it. Sorry, carry on. He's lovely. Yeah, he is lovely. Handsome. Yeah. Terrible.

Awful actor, though, isn't he? Don't say that. Do you think? Don't say that. He's in Game of Thrones. I just think he's awful. Do you? No, you can't say that.

You know why? Because he's what? You look at him and think, that should have been me. Because he's northern, and he looks a bit like Icelandic around the eye section. He's lovely looking. He's a housewife's choice. He's doing very well for himself.

Yeah, exactly. So he doesn't need my fandom. It's fine. It's what the cockerel could have been. That's the worst star of all, isn't it? Yeah. Can't forgive that. Don't criticise my boyfriend's colleagues.

I'll give you a bit more to think about. Oh, a bit more to think about oh bit more bit more okay i didn't know he was in flashman he wasn't called that was it what was it called that thing when he played uh sharp sharp oh sharp that's it yeah sharp anyway a caption of frank's team was shown its name mike stone must die yes you can see from below this below being his name this was a concern for myself at the time in fact my sister assured me it was a personal threat please could you clear up who was the mike stone in question yours michael stone well the mike stone in in question was priscilla presley's um martial arts trainer yes who ran away with priscilla he whisked her away from elvis and elvis um for weeks

would walk around graceland shouting mike stone must die and there's a story that two of the memphis mafia actually went and found a hitman they thought, they took Elvis completely literally on this and they were going to have this bloke but that's never been verified but I think it was a difficult time for Elvis quite a difficult time for Mike Stone

I suppose Mike Stone was a super cool 70s martial arts guy I thought he was beyond reproach but if the King had got hold of him, with Mafia, that would have been the end of that, let's face it. But yeah, so Mike Stone Must Die was, I thought, a rather fine team name.

You should have spoken to your dad about hanging options. Yeah, you've got to catch that Mike Stone character first. So that wasn't easy. He was very oiled. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I don't look short. I just blew Anne a little kiss. I don't know what came over me. Not sure about that. Different on pre-records, isn't it? I don't like it in the studio. I don't like it in the TARDIS, and I don't like it in the studio. That's where I don't like flirting. Flirting? Me and the cockerel? You're having a laugh. in the TARDIS. I don't like it in the studio. That's where I don't like flirting. Flirting?

Me and the cockerel? You're having a laugh. In the TARDIS? Is that a rule of yours? You don't like it? Yeah, in recent years, there's been a bit of companion doctor stuff. Chemistry, which I'm not sure about. I know you didn't enjoy the romance scenes in the Musketeers, did you? That wasn't romance.

That was smut. No one here get offended. I think there's the least sexual chemistry I've ever experienced in my whole life on this show. There's no sexual tension at all. All right. That's more bad noses, isn't it?

That's the problem. I agree. Sexual tension, yeah. Okay. Sounds as if that's a bad thing. No, I think it's... No sexual tension, yeah. OK. Sounds as if that's a bad thing. No, I think it's... No sexual tension, basically, in my life. You know, I'm of that sort of age.

You know what George Melly said when his sex drive went? He said it was like getting off a runaway horse. Really? Mm. Makes you wonder about his sex life. Oh, I'll tell you what I've got to tell you boys about. I went on the tube. Oh, how ghastly.

Whoa! This is unacceptable. Do you want us to make some phone calls? It's gone on the floor. I've actually fallen off my chair. It's quite hard to fall off a chair, isn't it? Especially one where you've got arms on there. Yeah.

I want to find out how I got my arms caught underneath and ripped them both out of the socket when I went down. It's all gone a bit Fordian. I always imagine they're joined by a single string that goes right across the inside of the chest, but that could be wrong. The shoulders. So you're on the tube. I'm on the tube. Something of a harrowing experience,

as you know. Yeah. I go through the automated gates. Yes. You're just learning these words. Well well when i go through the automated gates it's like the woman from star trek what is this water from your eyes that's what it's like frank when i go through the automated gate sounds like a spiritual when i go through the automated gates To made it gates and meet the Lord my Saviour. Is that OK? Yeah.

OK. So I dashed through and there was a station attendant. Is that what they're called, Daisy? You just strike me as a kind of paladin. I don't know what they're called. She strikes me as someone who'd have experience. Anyway. Oh, dear.

She was a Cockney girl. OK. Right. She was lovely, but she was a Cockney girl. Uh- Right. She was lovely, but she was a Cockney girl. Uh-huh. Yeah. She called me back suddenly. I thought my oyster thingies had worked.

Yeah. And she called me back. She went, excuse me. Oh, how humiliating. Commuters looking. Excuse me, could you come here, please? Oh, dear. I went back.

I clattered back in my Louboutins. I said, can I help you with them? Sorry, is everything okay? She went, yeah, can I ask you laboutans i said can i what can i help you i'm sorry is everything okay can i ask you something please i said watch and where'd you get that skirt wow brilliant well no not brilliant oh really did you saw one apparently one had gone missing earlier in the day she was asking me quite aggressively she said i, I just want that skirt. I need that because that would look good on me. Where's it from? Has she got an exterior posterior area? What is it called? Anterior pelvic tilt.

We'll get on to that, my friend. Let's hope you don't. Can we shorten it? What's the abbreviation? APT? APT, yeah. Isn't that delivery service? Certainly very suitable, though.

Always deliver. Apt, even. Oh, lovely, Frank. Oh, I'm so proud of you. Oh, words. So then she said, how much did it cost and where's it from? Are you sure you weren't going through a railway station in Soviet Russia? Blimey.

It was his papers, please. Well, then it was difficult, because what I couldn't tell her is it was a gift from the designer brilliant and if you're buying you she'd have pulled a knife across your face she'd have told her that don't worry about that so how did you how did you one was i didn't feel it was the right situation to use the phrase one no but if one was to buy such an item it would cost in excess that there would be a g on it i'm afraid a g yeah a g and a half 1500 quid for a skirt i believe so i didn't buy it Bicycle! Bicycle! Sorry, but I've had to come up with ways of not swearing now. So, I said, look, you know what I did? Can you not down-adjust your bra strap when you're talking to me?

My tilt's playing up. So what I did, Frank... You know what? I'll kill that typist. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinist. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm upset, Emily, now, by saying Michael Gove has got anterior pelvic tilt. He doesn't, and I said, no, it's a bit more,

just a bit saggier. I'm allowed to say that. I'm afraid with Michael Gove, it's all gone a bit pear-shaped. It has. Anyway, what I'm supposed to say at this point is with Michael Gove it's all gone a bit pear-shaped It has Anyway, what I'm supposed to say at this point is this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email us at the Absolute Radio website but do not text this week because we're not here No I actually died in a unicycle accident Friday morning This is a tribute to him now To him? To him?

Frank Skinner who died in a unicycle accident Friday morning What if I do now? That'll be weird It will be weird I like that in the news bulletin They feel the need to say friday morning yeah well you know they like to uh like to identify oh where was i used to oh i was telling you about the um

the expensive stuff when i was on the chair the 1500 quid skirt and the station a novel by beryl bainbridge and the station attendant and the station and she was asking me quite aggressively cross-examining me it all went a bit your mean, how much did it cost and where's it from? That's what she said. So anyway. It was a crowd gathering at this point to see how much the skirt cost. A couple of businessmen loitering with intent. But then there always are when I'm around.

And so anyway. Did you get 20 quid, 2k max? No, what I did, because I didn't want to say, A, it was a gift from a designer, and B... No, that was a good idea. It's very expensive. I said, do you know there are some wonderful High Street ones? I did.

Oh, OK. I said you should go... I suggested some shops you should go to, and there are. I said there's some wonderful High Street copies. Did she eventually stop hitting you, or was it just... She looked at me, she went, I don't want them, I want that one. Whoa. Don't I like that one? Was she similar in stop hitting you? She looked at me, she went, I don't want them, I want that one. Whoa. But I like that one.

Was she similar in size? She didn't mean... Your actual one, did she? I don't know. So I said, where's that one from and how much it cost? I wonder if she was a sort of demented box face enthusiast. Okay. So she carried on.

I said, yeah, I said said i think they've got some in topshop which are quite similar oh dear you were so if you go there but where's that from okay then she said i mean what size are you you're like me like a 14 or something say and then you slashed her across the face with your knife no can i tell you what i did i have no idea what size can i tell you what I did? I have no idea what size Emily is. Can I tell you what I did? I pulled up my jacket to show her my waist, which is my best feature. OK. I said, no, look.

And I pulled up the jacket. I actually pulled it up. I said, I'm an eight. Can you be absolutely certain she looked at your waist, which is your best feature? Is that... What do you mean? You don't think she just got distracted when you lifted up your jacket like that? I actually lifted my jacket up. And the businessmen presumably passed out at that point. Can I say, I think your soul is your best feature.

Oh, very good. Oh, that's lovely, that is. I'm not going to add to the finishing remark. I've said it now. Carry on. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with being a size 14, I should say. I believe Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. I believe the average British woman is a size 14.

Really? That low? Most of them seem to be sort of grampus proportion. And have hair like Elton John. Yes. Sir Elton John. But I'm small. Oh, yeah, the insult won't matter at all. I'm small as statured, so that would be out of control on me if I was 14, OK?

OK. Anyway... But it must be a tricky one if you've got anterior pelvic tilt, forgetting the size. Well, you just have to get everything made. Anyway, so... There's always that as a solution, I suppose. I've thought of that. So, in the end, I just said I was angry with her after the 14th.

Oh, really? So the worm turned? I said it's £1,000 and it was a gift from the designer. And her head is still rolling across the station floor. Wowie. Where did she take that? Next. No, she was quite nice in the end.

I felt guilty. Oh, no, it was out of her reach Why don't you take that skirt and give it to that woman Shall I? It won't fit her You'll never find her No She's at the tube Can I tell you what I said when I left

Because I wanted to keep things nice between us I said good luck with the search Surge She'll have to have some surge suits Surge. So you'll have to have some Surge suits. Surge. Oh, no. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. Now, on the subject of fashion, I wore jeans this week. What? At my age. Can you imagine it? Clarkson. I don't think I could have worn an evil, carnival outfit with more devil make-up than I wore those.

I really thought... What were the jeans like, may I ask? Were they free for a start? They were silver tabs. Were they free? Are you familiar with those? Answer the question, please. Were they free?

No, they were... They may have been free originally. I don't think so. I don't really wear jeans anymore, but I was crawling about on the lawn, please. Were they free? No, they were... They may have been free originally. I don't think so. I don't really wear jeans anymore, but I was crawling about on the lawn. Oh. And I thought, you know what? I want to put jeans on.

That's fine. It's a walk down memory lane. When you say you were crawling about on the lawn, was that gardening or... I started drinking again. Did I not tell you that? I've been keeping that to myself. That was the next part of the question I was going to ask you.

Sorry. No. We can do that again if you like. No, been keeping that to myself. That was the next part of the question I was going to ask you. Sorry, I... No. We can do that again if you like. No, no, no, that's all. No, I actually had a bit of a traumatic experience this week. Oh, what happened? I'm doing... I've done a DVD of my stand-up show.

Lovely. And when you do a DVD, the DVD company like extras. Do you know what I mean? Oh. So they like some extra 20 company like extras. Do you know what I mean? Oh. So they like a sort of extra 20 minutes of stuff that, you know. So I did a documentary which was filmed, I think, in 1999 for ITV. And I thought it might be interesting to put that on. The show is partly looking back to what my act used to be like and what it's like now. So I had to watch it to make sure it was OK.

So it was me 15 years ago. How was that? Well, first of all, I was so badly dressed. I can't... I'm so glad you said that. Oh, mate. I couldn't say anything for years. I mean, you look lovely these days.

It must have been a night... How good of you to be friends with me at that stage, because I... Why don't you turn up in that fireman's jacket? I can't... Yeah, but that was one of the better things. I mean, I was wearing the old... You know, what we used to call Tesco Levi's. Oh, yeah.

Which were, like, jeans that aren't really quite jeans. Oh, yeah. And trainers that had no brand name on them. Oh, dear. So, you know, like, when I'm going to be a Wimbledon champion, I wear stuff with no brand name. them. Oh, dear. You know, like, when I'm going to be a Wimbledon champion, I wear a stuff with that brand. I was wearing it already. I looked, honestly, I can't believe.

And I was, you know, I was massive in those days. How was the hair? That was my height. But the hair looked like a football hooligan. And I told a couple of stories about women in this where I referred to them as birds. Oh, did you? oh did you believe it honestly like the likely lads wow i i had no idea i was i came over as quite laddish i thought

i mean that's the thing you were some sort of new lad frank that has been pointed out though no no but i didn't i didn't think it was quite... It really was. I haven't completely processed it yet. I felt... I wasn't sure that I totally liked me, I'll be honest with you. That's how I see you in the 90s, in one of those grey England shirts. I'm going to be honest about this, a Birmingham jean. Yes. And slightly chaotic hair. I think my hair was cropped pretty uh tight

to the skull um and uh i sounded more birmingham than i do now perhaps i was just closer to my me root me root nutty root dread nutty dread looking is that all right the nice thing is that you met Kathy when you were still a bit like that, so you know she loves you for your soul. Well, I'm assuming she loves me for my money, because I wasn't very nice.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're sure show's not about showbiz gossip, is it? No, certainly not. What's next? Mariah Carey. Ah, yes. She's been in the papers for trying to use a picture of

herself from 1997. It's a bit like you and your DVD. Yeah, I wouldn't use that. I thought you were looking at me and I genuinely felt a surge of panic. What, when I said Mariah Carey? No, when you said trying to use a picture of yourself from 1997. Because I do have, well, we'll discuss this. Do you?

Yeah, I do use some old photos. What, on Twitter? On everywhere. Oh, OK. You should see my driving licence. I've got school bags with me. A uniform. Honestly, some of my photos are so old.

Well, deliberately, though photos are so old. Well, deliberately, though. Yeah. OK. I don't know why. A passport photo. I took 49 tries. I've got them all.

You are kidding me. No. No. I'll show you. I've had so many because it had to be right. People will see that you're going on holiday with a man. It's a shock when he sees the age. So you want the photo to be nice. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, let's talk about Mariah. She put a picture of herself upon the old Twitter and said that she was spending time with Dembabies, D-E-M. Oh, yeah. Sick, spelled incorrectly. That's their children, is it?

Yeah, I guess so. Well, I was just thinking in 1997, I don't think she'd had her implant put in. You can see on the picture, I'm wondering if she's had her implant put in. No? You can see on the picture. I'm wondering if she's referred to her previous breasts as dem babies. Could that be it? In 1997, Frank was going, great birds. Yeah.

Brought a couple of birds back. But she does, she looks less boxham on that, so I think it might be pre... And the face is a little bit different. I'm going to say... Well, I mean, she's younger. She's younger. She's younger. She's a lot younger, frankly. I'll say it.

I like her better now, let me tell you that. Do you? Yeah, I like that. Now I think she'd be an extravaganza in the bedroom. Pardon? What? An extravaganza in the bedroom? What on earth is wrong with you?

He's got a big house, isn't he? He can fit an extravaganza in his bedroom. Well, don't it describe as an extravaganza? That's a compliment, isn't it? Does that mean outgoing? That means outgoing, doesn't it? Yeah, exactly. I don't want to know what it means.

No, I like... She's more real now, Mariah. Since the implants. Since the implants. Yeah, how often does one say that remember she had reach she had reality implanted what about that yeah reality implanted is the title of my new um experimental movie i hope you'll come and watch she's got a lovely little sense of humor i've heard um i'm not sure about that well you're not worried she's such an

extravaganza. Who cares? Isn't she a bit of a diva? Isn't that her thing? Yeah, but so am I. But look how lovely I am. Yeah, good point. Yeah, that's absolutely true.

I married Mariah Carey in 2001. Did you? Yeah. Hello? Okay. I did. You didn't. I did.

What happened? I was on the last episode of Ant and Dick's SMTV. Oh, yeah. And Ant got married to Mariah Carey in a big sketch, and I was the priest. Oh. Thus I married Mariah Carey. Oh, I see.

To Ant. Oh, do you know what's a bit sad? I was the priest. That's a bit like in the nativity play, I was the sheep or something. Well, as you can imagine, the priest was sad? I was the priest That's a bit like in the nativity play I was the sheep or something Well as you can imagine the priest was the job I was after Totally We all rehearsed together but Mariah wouldn't rehearse

with us, she worked with an acting coach or something in a hotel room and she had all the lines completely off Pat Pat Phoenix was But she wouldn't come and... She didn't do any casual chit-chat or anything like that. No casualities.

You know what? She ain't Jenny from the block. No. I would like to talk about the most hysterical woman in the world i love this woman okay you might think i deserve that title it's not for a second but this woman's even more highly strong than me no she's from the west midlands area frank so you might be familiar with her usually a great leveler she's birmingham she had an argument with the owner of an ice cream van yes did you read about this yes he sold her an ice cream and he only put bits on one half so she called 999 yeah and did you see they transcribed the recording of her complaint

i can't say it because i can only do adrian charles when i do a birmingham accent that's all right okay i've ordered an ice cream and he put bits on one side and none on the other, is what she said. Yeah. And the police said we literally get hundreds and thousands of these calls a week. Oh! No, but I'll tell you what. That's a fair point, though.

It's very misleading that they're called hundreds and thousands, because you don't get hundreds and thousands, so she has got a right to complain. No, I think. I once went, there was a fish and chip shop on Langley High Street in Langley Green in the West Midlands and they said

sausage, chips and beans and however much it was probably about 40p. So I went in and she gave me the the meal and it was um a sausage with chips and beans and i said excuse me it's i think your sign says sausages chips and beans you didn't really say that yeah yeah i was look at the way he leapt in with, yeah, hot cross. I was only about 14. And I said, no, it says sausages.

She said, well, that doesn't mean anything. I said, well, yeah, it's a plural, if you're aware of it. I said, she said, that's not saying what it's... I said, of course it's saying. So if you'd given me a sausage, a chip and a bean, you're telling me that I should have thought that was alright? And she said, oh, but that'd be stupid. That's all I think is stupid, to say sausages

and give someone one sausage. She said, oh, just get out. So I went, and I was, I went past the next day, and very crudely, in biro, they'd crossed out the S from sausages. Had they? The one at the end, I mean. Yeah, but you know what? Not all sausages. You made that change in the S from sausages. Had they? The one at the end, I mean.

Yeah, but you know what? Not all sausages. You made that change in the world. Yeah. Because, you know what, I stood up for my rights. Be the change you want to see. Yeah, exactly. I see myself as a sort of Rosa Parks figure.

As far as sausages and chips and beans is concerned. Sausages and chips and beans in the middle. That is quite stingy of the ice cream seller, though. I mean, if someone said, or can you give us a few more sprinkles, mate, why wouldn't you just do it? Unless it's Cochrane Ices. No, I think it might be like a rules thing. Yeah, what if it's like...

I knew you would. To ice cream purists, what if it's like to cocktail makers? You know, there's a certain order of things And they have to be presented in a certain way Like that's a Bloody Mary, not what you think Like the mixologists I believe they're called He might be going, no no no, technically

The sprinkles go Diagonally on that side This is a proper ice cream And I'm not going to mess it up just for you So his argument was aesthetic rather than economic Well I'm guessing I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt here. I don't know him. Do you? Do you guys?

I might well know him. You might well be related to him. I used to drink at a pub. When I used to come out of school, there used to be an ice cream van outside. Yeah. And Soup Dev used to be the ice cream man. What?

Soup Dev Singh he was called. And he used to sell me ice cream and then in the evening he used to be the ice cream man. What? Soup Dev Singh he was called. Oh, Soup Dev. And he used to sell me ice cream, and then in the evening he used to serve in the pub where I drank. I told him I was a teacher, I think he asked me. In a way, we all are. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You know, there's a song by the Proclaimers, the 500 Miles, which is actually... What's that? Classic?

Yeah, and it's come up on this show a couple of times recently because somebody texted in about it. I would walk 500 miles. There was a place named... If you're going out with me, you wouldn't. That's right, and there was Irvin mentioned where I used to go swimming when I lived in that part of Scotland. Irving no more. Not the new West Brom boss? No.

No. OK. Well, that song hasn't ended up in the news. It's become a news story because of a chap in Southern California, Kenneth Field, a cartographic product engineer. And he... Maps, is that cartography? Cartography, yeah.

Good, very good. Very good track. Just checking. Got off early today, good. I'm subtly helping in the readers' case here, I don't know. He worked out exactly where they would have ended up if they walked 500 miles and then walked 500 more, because that's his gig, I think.

He's a cartographic product engineer. OK. His tongue-in-cheek response to an incorrect estimate from Twitter users, and he worked out that it would be Poland or the Czech Republic if they went for the full 1,000 miles. Oh, it's 500, then 500 more? Yeah. Oh.

Now, so where would he end up? The Czech Republic? Yeah, Czech Republic. Oh, Finland, Latvia and Spain, if they were able to walk in the air. Oh, can I just say, I know what it is. Roads and ferry routes. The first 500 miles, France or Holland, and Poland and the Czech Republic for the full thousand.

No, but... Nice. Oh, whoa. Hold it. Just, hey. Calm down. What's up? Well, I seem to remember in this song that he says,

when I wake up, I'm always going to be the guy who wakes up next to you. So, let's assume they live together, for a start. What, the two brothers? No, him and the woman he's singing of. Oh, the loving friend, the lady. The bird. Should we say bird? The bird in the song, yeah.

Let's take a walk down memory lane he's gonna walk 500 miles and then 500 more and then collapse at a door which is what the song says just to be the man who's at your door then i've always assumed it was a round journey he was doing i thought he was coming back he was walking 500 miles and then he was walking back again it's like you just just wandering around the Central Reservation. Well, I think it's him suggesting that he's loved for this woman. He's like an enormous bungee rope. Except when he says, when I get drunk.

Well, I know I'm going to... I don't want you getting drunk. And he's Scottish. But I think it's... Don't get drunk. It's a statement of... They live together, because he's the man who wakes up next to her and he's going to collapse down at her...

Lovely. Sorry, Adam. Long wait for that. A drunk Scottish man collapsing at my door. I haven't really taken... If I want that, I'll call Alan Cochran. I haven't really taken in anything since you said love is like an enormous bungee rope.

I think that's wisdom. It is. Really stay in the head. If I said to Kath, I'm going to be away, what would it take? Say, six weeks to walk 500 miles and then another 500? Well, that's not in the song

either, is it? It's not factoring in blisters or, like, respirators. Six weeks, not with my anterior pelvic tilt. Okay, well, let's say two months. If I said to Kath I'm going away for two months, and she said, where are you going? I said, well, I don't know, Latvia, Spain. I don't know Latvia. And she said, well, what are you going for?

And I said, well, to show how much I love you. I think there'd be a fracas. Yeah. That would be, yeah, it wouldn't work as a statement of love. Not in our house. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I like Kenneth Field, the cartographic product engineer in Southern California.

He's gone to all this trouble for his tongue-in-cheek response. He's completely misread. He's what I call a pedantic cartographer. He's wrong, though. Can I tell you what I don't like about it? It's a round journey. Do you think he's wrong? It's a round journey. I'll tell you what I don't like about it? It's a round journey. Do you think he's wrong? It's a round journey.

I'll tell you what I don't like about it. Love is like a bungee cord, yeah, we know. What I don't like is the fact that his tongue-in-cheek response, just, oh, I'll just knock this thing up on Twitter, has more demonstrable, employable skills and actual product in that one jerky little response than the last 20 years of my professional life. Calm now.

Oh, come on. I've got no outputs. All I do is, you know, talk. Why has this turned into your therapy session suddenly? This is exactly it. I'm reading the thing and I'm thinking, oh, God, that guy did that. Look, he's made a graph. I can't even make a graph.

He's done it. No, a graph is good. It's not that good. I can do a block graph, but I can't done a graph. It's not that good. I can do a block graph, but I can't do one of those. You have to stay with your Venn diagrams. You're fine with those, Al. Only conversationally. You don't know if I can draw them.

Oh, yeah, can you not? No. Oh, I've really gone off you. Have you not got a compass at home? No. I've got pens and paper, though. Sorry, have you got a compass? How old are you? Well, I don't use it for... How have you got a compass? How old are you? Well, I don't use it. How have you got a compass? You've got a protractor as well.

Because I use it when I get friends around towards the end of the evening. I like to do that thing when you put your hands splayed out on the table and go, ow, ow.

Yeah, that's how we end our evenings around our house. You don't cook, do you? You know, I've actually, in demonstrating, I actually caught my finger quite badly with the biro thank god i didn't have my compass with me my compass like he carries it everywhere i've got a i've got a little case with the compass protractor what was the third element

in that the ruler i was a ruler fan i was always always an eraser oh such a ruler girl there's a set square in there isn't it oh no i might never girl. Surely there's a set square in there, isn't there? Oh, no. Oh, I never used that. Oh, yeah, maybe a set square. I hated people that had those. Didn't you? Yeah, they were always blue-tinted as well. What's that all about? Not always blue-tinted.

At our school they were. They were. Really? They're more expensive, those ones. Yeah, maybe. It's all a matter of degrees. Very good. Very good.

Anyway, look, it's been lovely, hasn't it? Says he's still lying in bed On Saturday morning Yes, I don't think so Okay, so Yes, thanks for listening And if the good Lord spares us And the creaks don't rise

We'll be back again this time next week So that's all from us, thank you so much Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.