The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Isaac Newton

Episode Date: June 28, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Frank's problems with Beatrix Potter, the joys of Trout Farms, parking and of course there is a Word Cup/ Wimbledon Update.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And you can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show through the Absolute Radio website. Yesi. And can I say, Sandy Waugh War our much beloved newsreader and weather broadcaster is wearing an England shirt today

she must have got dressed in darkness surely reached around felt something acrylic and thought that'll do and here we are now. It's not like you never did that let's be honest she's draped, draped in our national shame you spent ten years like that. I know but. Got you a house No. It's not like you never did that, let's be honest. She's draped, draped in our national shame.

You spent ten years like that. I know. But, um... Got you a house. Yeah. You're right. But we were brilliant there in the England football team. Do you remember? Yeah.

You're right, Frank. Compared to now, actually, we were brilliant. Frank, can I just do a bit of business first? No, you better. I've been sent a necklace nice necklace and it says debbie on it my name's not debbie so if any of our readers are called debbie and want this necklace i will send it to them i'll pay for the postage yes so if you're listening debbie yeah you'll pay for the postage yeah well i'm doing quite well now got a boyfriend

you mean he'll pay for the postage? Yeah, he'll pay. Yeah, so Debbie. Just let us know. The first Debbie we get. What if we get a bogus Debbie and then put it on eBay? What about Debbie Reynolds? I think she's no longer with us. No, she's with us still. My gay godfather's ex-boyfriend.

When I say no longer with us, I don't think she listens anymore. I did a joke about the Franco-Prussian War, which apparently she had relatives in it and took offence to that. Well, you never know what's going to upset people, do you? So touchy, Debbie Reynolds. I've said this once, I've said it I think 11 times. I'll have to check my journal. I'll tell you what, I was driving yesterday.

Oh, yeah. And I was on my own in the car, and I thought, you know what, I think I'll have a soft drink. So I had a... Have you got a bar in the car? No, but I had a... It's like Simon Cowell in the limo. I always like to have a can in the car in case I get stuck in traffic. A can? A bit thirsty. This is going in a very different direction kind of pop yeah i don't

mean i didn't have a breaker that's what you're thinking um no so i had a i had you know i i what did you go for dr pepper free from the absolute radio yeah i i'm a big fan of the doctor's work so i always have a i have a dr pepper in the car and um so i had a dr pepper and on the news it started to tell me that one can of um soft drink is a man's sugar allowance for the entire day no one can of soft drink do you know i enjoyed it that little bit more good i thought how lovely to have all my sugar allowance in one little can. How brilliant. In one hand.

Because it's so easy to drag it out across the die and a little bit here, a little bit there. But no, I thought I'd get it out of the way. And honestly, I felt like I was doing something a bit daring and crazy. I think it's got to be healthy. It's got the word doctor in it. And also, pepper is a vegetable. Pepper's a spice. Oh, pepper is a vegetable. Pepper's a spice. Oh, it's a vegetable as well.

It's not overtly saying I'm healthy. Are there carbs in pepper? Are there carbohydrates in pepper? Which pepper? The spice or the peppers? Not pepper pig. Pepper pig is protein through and through. Definitely.

And fat, yeah, yeah. She's not that fat. I don't think she's fat. If you see alongside, say, Daddy Pig, I'd say she's svelte. I think his name's George, actually. No, George is the brother. Is it?

Yeah, get it right, for God's sake. Daddy Pig, he's called Daddy Pig. This is not a world where one gets the first names of parents. Daddy Pig is called whatever I choose to call him at that moment. It's not Hampstead. It's a Hampstead. It's Lovely Pig World. Lovely Pig World, isn't it?

Oh, I'm glad we're already in Pig World. It's a lovely... Have you seen it? It's our superstore of pork products. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I'm a Debbie, says Debbie Piccarillo.

Piccarillo? Well, I don't know how to pronounce it. Piccariello. Piccariello. I'm going to go. Dear Emily, I'm a Debbie. I was actually named after Deborah Carr. Oh, OK. I pronounce it Carr.

Queen and I. That's Carr. I thought you pronounced it Carr, Carr. What? I don't know. I think you I pronounce it car. Queen and I. That's King and I. Oh, I thought it was, you pronounced it car, Kerr. What? Well, maybe not. I don't know. I think you do pronounce it car. Thank you. I'm in the theatre. What, K-E-R-R? Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, how embarrassing. I'm not having that.

Okay, fair enough. And I'm not 100% certain. No? It's a Scottish name, isn't it? So sure that you would roll the R at the end. Kerr. Oh, here we go. Oh, it's a Scottish name, isn't it? So sure that you would roll the R at the end. Ker. Oh, here we go. Oh, it's a Scottish name. Here we go. Is Descartes Scottish? I'm going to be honest.

Check me out. That's actually my middle name. What is Descartes? Ker. Ker is my middle name. I thought he was saying it as if it's an enormous vessel, as if it was something like Alginon. Ker is fine as a middle name.

It is, yeah. But there are many pronunciations. You don't own ther is fine as a middle name. It is, yeah. But there are many pronunciations. You don't own the pronunciation just because you own the name. Also, it's not in a Scottish context, it's not one of your proclaimers. No more. Anyway, Debbie, congratulations. Good name, Debbie. You win the Debbie necklace. The Debbie necklace, yeah, I'll send that to you. Send me your address, please, thank you. And it's not as rubbish as you might think, either. No, it's good. Is it? It's actually lovely necklace. Yeah, I'll send that to you. Send me your address, please. Thank you. And it's not as rubbish as you might think, either. No, it's good.

Is it? It's actually worth quite a lot of money. Is it? Yeah. We didn't want to say that before in case opportunists text in. Debbie Becker-Riallo. Opportunists or competition winners. And, Debbie, if you want to send us a pronunciation,

a phonetic pronunciation of your surname, we'll say that. That'd be good, yeah. So who is the designer next? Well, never mind this. She's in Cornwall. That's going to cost me an arm and a leg. I didn't know that. Arm and a leg, that's the Isle of Man. What if she's on the lizard?

If she's on the lizard, then that's going to be a bit coarse. I don't know. We think they're going to be slimy, but when you're actually old... Lizards, oh, yeah. They're not. Yeah. It's odd the way they have an air of sliminess whilst retaining an arid skin.

Speaking of the scaly world, I was at Bybreed Trout Farm this week. Lovely. You get about, don't you? Yeah. Dr Pepper in the car visiting Trout Farm. That. Lovely. You get about it, don't you? Yeah. Dr Pepper in the car visiting Trout Farm. That's what my life's like.

You work hard and you've got all this to come. I look forward to the Trout Farm. Oh yeah. Have you ever been to a Trout Farm? No. Oh hey. Sounds fabulous. I'll tell you, what you do, you walk around. Now those are those Roger Daltrey ones aren't they? I think I've worked out why a lot of rock stars in the 70s got trout farms.

Yeah. Because what happens... Because it's delicious. They give you cups of feed. Well, they don't give you. It's 50 pence a cup. For little pellets to feed that trout. I visibly saw Alan's face fall when you mentioned 50p.

I'm out. Yes. Family of four, that'd be two quid just in those cups. It's too much. Well, you can share a cup. All right, yeah. But anyway, what you do, but I tell you, once you've tried it,

you'll go back for more cups, which is what I did. Not a 50p a cuppy, right? You throw a handful in and the trout go absolutely... They are flying out of the water. Are they? I got more excitement from one handful of trout food than I did from watching three England games in the World Cup. Yeah.

It was properly thrilling. And you throw more in there and they go crazy for it. There's like 50 of them all throwing themselves at me. Is it not a danger they'll overeat if you keep doing that? Well, you know what I'm like? I'm excited by the power you had. Is it not a danger they'll overeat if you keep doing that? Well, you know what I'm like? I'm excited by the power you had. You see, that's the thing. I did think if the homeless were like this,

I'd give much more of them. You know, they look genuinely enthusiastic as a group to have them. And we went back for more. As a group! We went back for more cops because it was so good. And my son, Barzy, absolutely shrieked with laughter. It's like the best thing we'd ever done.

And I can imagine, you know, some 70s rock star. Yeah. In a flat cap. Yeah, but maybe imbibing some hallucinogenic drugs and then going out and throwing those and just staring at the fish leaping out of the water. How amazing that would be. Yeah, that would do it.

There may be a sort of naturally grown hippie jacuzzi. Oh, yeah, get in there. Yeah, because the ducks seem to be doing that. They'd go crazy, the fish, and the ducks would swim over the top, smiling. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Bit pedantic, but talking of pedantry. Hmm.

Er, Deborah Carr. Oh, yes. Never heard of her. Don't know who you're talking about. Do you mean Deborah Carr? Well, that doesn't surprise me, because what you wouldn't know is that Deborah Carr made it clear that her surname should always be pronounced the same as Carr as in the vehicle.

Right. How do you like them apples? She sounds like she's very English with a Scottish name to me. That's what I think. Well, you sound very English with a Scottish name. Yeah, that's true, that's true. I must admit it would never have a card to me. I'll tell you what I've been doing this week.

Oh, hang on, hang on. Are you moving away from the trout farm? Are you done with that? Because I have a question. Did you get to eat any? Did you actually get to... You can. First of all, you can buy them. That's a bit arm in my moves. I don't approve of that. If you've been round to their gaff, Frank.

Well, I fed them. Exactly. They're fish. There's a certain deal, I think. If you feed feed them then they have to feed you Exactly And who else are they going to feed me other than with their own flesh Yeah They're not going to cook you a dinner No, that's this week's texting

How else can trout feed me other than with their own flesh Did you get, you didn't eat any? No, there's options There's a fish, you know, a fishmonger there Is there? Lovely Selling, I mean that's what you call fresh Yeah there's options. There's a fish, you know, a fishmonger there. Is there? Lovely. Selling, I mean, that's what you call fresh.

Yeah. Doesn't get fresher. They're just carried across. And there's also a cafe of which I think there were seven main courses, six of which were trout-based. Brilliant. Imagine if they said, oh, no, we don't do fish. I'd respect them for that. Yeah, but it was like that old monty

python sketch when everything was spam but it was trout this trout that trout this trout that and trout the other that's what it was um yes but i didn't eat any i didn't i did feel they'd given us entertainment and i i will eat trout again but i'll just give it a few days when people don't eat pig because they've watched the film Babe and they think it's cute. Just get it down you. I'm in for it now. Any people from religion who don't eat pig?

Alan is not suggesting that that's because of the film Babe. It's a different thing. It's one that doesn't get you into any trouble. What about... I was quite hard of trouble at that point. Difficult times. Do you know what that reminds me of?

When Roger Daltrey... Do you remember he used to do an ad for a charge card? I won't say what it was. Oh, yes. It was a famous ad campaign. Yes, I remember that. And it stuck with me for years because there was one thing he used to say.

He was down by his trout farm in the Peaky Blinders cap. Yeah. And I always remember it because he said, having a famous face doesn't help pay for nights out. Well, I disagree, don't I? That's absolutely incorrect. Yeah, but the card does. No, I think he actually said, having a famous face doesn't pay for nice trout.

Oh, yeah. You misunderstood him there, which is correct, because I went up to the shop at the Byberry Trout Farm and smiled. But did I get an offer of free trout? No. Did I buffalo? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

Tell me, let me ask you a question. Have either of you ever read any Beatrix Potter? Oh, yeah, when I was a child. Like it? I was all over it. Some I liked, yeah. Not sure about it. Really?

I tried it on Boz this week. Oh, yeah, how'd it go? Well, we started reading this book. It was rabbit-based, this particular one. It was called Peter Rabbit. No, I think this was called something Floppy Bonnies or something. Oh, oh yeah yeah i know that one i think i think there's a regular rabbit theme in her work and uh one of them was uh his dad turned up the rabbit and the dad so i'm reading this to boss a certain amount of paraphrasing but pictures, every picture tells a story. And the daddy rabbit starts

stripping down a branch off a tree and then starts hitting the rabbit with it really hard. You know, it's a punishment. Tough love in the rabbit community, wasn't it? Yeah, I don't know. It was a bit... A bit 70s, isn't it? You know when you read about stuff like, and people say Enid Blyton, you can't read it to children anymore because it's politically incorrect and you think, oh, for goodness sake. When you're actually reading it to a child and there's a rabbit dad whipping his rabbit son with a rat, you know, we were avoiding each other's gaze, I can tell.

Oh, no. Have you met my gays? They're lovely. I sponsor them. They're out in full force today. Oh, they certainly are. I gave them a bit extra this week, to be honest. You go and enjoy yourselves. Oh, they laughed. Enjoy yourselves, I hope.

But I must say, if I'm going to be... Lance is getting a bit sullen. Lance? Yeah. He's one of them. Lance! I just think... What? Yeah. He's one of them. I think he's just... Lance! I just think... What do you mean he's one of them?

You talk like that, do you? Anyway, if you're listening, boys, have fun, eh? I mean, Lance is the one you've chosen to name out of your gates. Yeah, well, I just mentioned, I don't want to go, you know, it's not about that, is it? You don't want to go through them all, do you? I think people who make charity a public thing like that. Oh, it's a charitable venture. It's charity.

I sponsor them. To do what? To live. Do you have a photograph of them on your fridge? Well, I do, actually. I have more than one. And, well, I won, actually. I have more than one. And, uh... Well, I won't even go into it.

But they're lovely lads, and all the best. Do you want to do a lads? I'm trying to normalise it. What? How can you say that on Pride Day? Wow. No, I'm talking about you and your behaviour. Oh, sorry.

Yeah, so, I was really quite... Oh, yeah, so the Peter Rabbit. I'm wondering if you're supposed to read it, Beat Rick's Potter, eh? Oh, yeah. Or Dominate Rick's Potter. Well, I think we know who'll know about that. Yeah, well, we'll ask them later when I see my friends in the S&M community.

But it was... I really found it unpleasant. And then a mummy rabbit spanked another rabbit in a different book. That's quite specialist interest I'll say. It is. It's on the very top shelf. But

then I thought I'll go more classic. So I went for Mr. Jeremy Fisher who I had heard of. Oh, I love Jeremy Fisher. He was a frog in Breaches. Yeah. And I was reading his book, and he said, oh, I've got some friends coming round later. You know, everyone's called David Rabbit.

Oh, Squirrel Knocking. Yeah, exactly. But they've all got, you know, it's about, it's got squirrel in it. Of course, yeah. It's an Alderman Ptolemy Tortoise is coming round. I thought it all makes sense. Lovely.

So he listed there. And then another one of his friends is coming round. He's called Sir Isaac Newton. Who was that? No animal... No animal based name. Sir Isaac Newton. No reference to the fact

there's already someone called that. Was it the same one? Was it the same Sir Isaac Newton? Well, I thought, is that what's going to happen? Was it the same one going for dinner with a frog wearing breeches? Well, then at the end, as you can imagine, I was very concerned how they were going to handle the scale. Yeah.

The real Sir Isaac Newton turned up. You don't even have to get his his buckled shoe and ankle he had quite a hairdo on him as I recall well we never got that far let's face it but it turns out that it looks like it's some sort of toad creature all the others have adopted their animal name

you know Floppy, Bonnie, Peter Rabbit he's called Sir Isaac Newton if anyone's got an explanation I'd love to hear it. No, I mean that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, we have a theory that if you make...

I've got a million of them. Yeah, but in terms of the texting on commercial radio, I have said in the past, if you make... I've got a million of them. Yeah, but in terms of the texting on commercial radio, I have said in the past, if you make a slight mistake, that's the thing that really lights up the switchboard. Yes, indeed. And I think also, if you don't get something that everybody else does get, that is another way of really getting people to text.

What are you building up to here? You're Sir Isaac Newton in the Beatrix Potter story. It wasn't Beatrix Potter, was it? No, it was Beatrix Potter. I'm glad you were paying attention. We've had so many texts saying Sir Isaac Newton is a newt. It's a newt. You see, newt.

I get it. Of course. Maybe he was a newt. Sir Isaac Newton. I hope that clears it up, Frank. I feel it's important to actually... I mean, they're texting their thousands. I have to say, he's the same... And we can look forward to listening now. Can I point out, he's slight... I think I remember him as being slightly taller

than Mr Jeremy Fisher, who's a frog. I mean, Mr Jeremy Fisher. I think he's got... Or do you want to address my friends? I think he's called Mr Jeremy Fisher, isn't he? So, aren't newts considerably smaller than frogs? I haven't spent time with them, I don't know. Oh, I spent time with the newts.

Funny, Ken Livingstone was a co-host. Didn't he keep them? The only person ever to say that. Yeah, yeah. He didn't want the gig, you had to take me. Yes. He said he likes a lion on Saturdays. Has he got a show?

He's got a newt. He's got loads of newts. And that's where I'm starting from. Oh. I think he did have a show. I thought he was just tired. Yeah, he does look tired. Doesn't he?

Yeah. He looks like a man who hasn't slept for three weeks. We've had texts saying, are you sure he's not a newt, Frank? Is Newton being a newt? He's a newt, Frank. Why wasn't, if he'd been called Sir Isaac Newt, Frank? Is Newton being a Newt? He's a Newt, Frank. Why wasn't, if he'd been called Sir Isaac Newt, that would have been brilliant, wouldn't it? No, it wouldn't.

It would have been remotely clever. Sir Isaac Newt would have been really great. No, he wouldn't have missed something like the pond. No, that's better than Sir Isaac Newton. No. Yes. We've also had this text. This is interesting.

How can Frank have missed such a pun? I'm so sad for him. He may have to leave the station. I mean, we've really got the full sweep of response. I think I will have to leave the station. Doesn't a man have to blow a whistle before I can do that? I am sad I missed the pun, but I was misled by the illustration,

which shows a newt to be larger than a frog. That's my defence. Or did you think it was a science book? That everything was actual size, or, like, to scale? I thought it was an SNM book, I'll be honest with you. Everything else suggested that. I haven't read a book with so many canines. Well, obviously I have.

I don't want you to read The Tailor of Gloucester, then. That gets very dark. Yeah, well, The Tailor of Gloucester was in the box set that I had. Don't go you to read the Taylor of Gloucester then. That gets very dark. Yeah, well, Taylor of Gloucester was in the box set. Don't go there. No. What, Gloucester? It's a bit late for that. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Talking about Beatrix Potter this morning on Absolute Radio. Frank's thinking of banning it for some reason. Yeah, we cleared up... I think it should be banned. Talking about Beatrix Potter this morning on Absolute Radio. We've had... Banning it for some reason. Yeah, we cleared up...

I think it should be banned. It has violence against children. And also there's some rabbits who were picked up by a farmer who says to his wife, these will do to line my cloak. Now, I'm a devotee of the cloak, as you know. But a rabbit lined? I don't think so. What about that mouse on the cotton reel so uncomfortable

that's Taylor of Gloucester 853 has texted us Mr Jeremy Fisher no reference there to him being a frog now that's a fair point that is a fair point I miss that in fact all the suggestions are

if you take Sir Isaac Newt Mr Jeremy Fish, It doesn't always operate on that principle. You're obviously not familiar with the Bat Castle. Not always, but I'm saying there's a lot of that. There's a lot of Peter Rabbit, Squirrel Knocking. This is Tiggy Winkle. How does that work?

Do you mind my poddle, Doc? Is that a duck? Tiggy Winkle is a hedgehog. Winkle. There you go. Yeah, that should have been a Winkle. Clearly. I think what she's done, she's come up with...

I love these names. This is still daytime radio, yeah? Character doesn't really... Yeah, exactly. This is radio... Soft Rock. That's what we specialise in. Soft Rock and Beatrix Potter.

Yeah, Mr Jeremy Fisher, I should say that, does fish in it. He's a keen angler. So he's been picked up more for his characteristics than his species. Let's move on. From your banning? Well, yeah, I think it should be banned. Well, rather than people correcting you on 8-12-15, maybe we can ask what they'd ban.

OK. Yeah, banning. Is. Isn't that... Yeah. Banning. Is there enough of that? Yeah. It's been banned, apparently. I, um, I'll tell you something else as well this week. It was, um, my mother-in-law's, as I like to call her,

my common law mother-in-law. Is that the word? This is when, uh, when the old mainstream jokes are being updated, isn't it? My common law mother-in-law. Is that the word? This is when the old mainstream jokes are being updated, isn't it? My common-in-law mother-in-law. What's she called, then? Would she be common-in-law? When you have a wife who isn't married, is that your common-law wife or common-in-law?

Although I think the idea of common-in-laws is flawed. Has it gone, the common-in-law wife? I thought it was always a thing that it didn't really exist. You know, they said it was like a rule, but it's not really a rule. Anyway, Sandy Mason. We've got Bob down. But we haven't got Bob down, because he's working a lot today.

It's a fiery suit. Sandy Mason. Friend of the show. It was my mother-in-law's birthday, so I said to my two-year-old son, what shall we get Grandma? This is, I'm afraid, into the territory of the funny things they say. I never thought I'd go there, but here we are. I said, what shall we get Grandma for her birthday?

He said, raisins. Immediately. I've been quite pleased with that. Good gift. Now, I laughed, but I forgot about it. The next day, we're in Holland and Barrett, and he comes over to me with a large bag of raisins. Brilliant.

I haven't remembered it. And I thought, you know what? This is actually a brilliant way of doing gifts. Yeah. Because I can give these raisins in any other circumstance. You think, what the? And he said, this was suggested by Bozzy. Yeah.

And then suddenly, it's a lovely present. Yeah. So we let him choose the card as well. It made life so much easier. Chose the greeting card with a fat, naked woman eating cake on it. And she was absolutely thrilled

because it was chosen by him. So if you ever charge, you can hand over the whole responsibility of other people's birthdays. I once asked my son what we should get his mummy for Christmas and he came over and whispered into my ear white wine. So we did.

White wine? See, they know. They've tuned into the old gift thing. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I just realised there wasn't enough energy in my voice.

You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show through the Absolute Radio website. That's right, Frank. I've realised there's not enough energy in my voice either. You sound terrible. That's much better. It's not really me, is it?

It's not really me. Frank, we've had an email that I think I should bring to your attention. An email, you say? That's right, Frank. Blimey! I refuse to join in. I'm keeping my dignity for once in my life. Well, don't blame me when you get sacked.

Well, funnily enough, I will. Not speaking with energy in your voice is a sacking offence now, Emily. Didn't you get the energy in voice memo? It really doesn't suit me. I feel tired. You sound very much like a DJ who would play Everybody Walk the Dinosaur. Aka-laka-laka-boom. Well, I would play that if I knew what it was. Oh, it's good.

Is it? I only know that. Open the door. Open the door, get on the floor. I don't like the good, I like the strange. Yeah, but that was in the 80s. He had other stuff going on. Yeah, true.

Why bring up the 80s? Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Frank, when introducing... This is why I don't host on Absolute 80s. Makes life very difficult. Absolute blur. Then they'd think it's all going to be blur instead of me talking about my life in the 80s.

Frank, when introducing the magazine song this morning that you played on this channel that might not have been on 80s, but anyway, nevertheless, when introducing the magazine song this morning, you said this could be one of the greatest guitar riffs of all time. That's correct. He's capitalised, of all time. He then continues, greatest guitar riffs of all time. That's correct. He's capitalised, of all time. Oh, yeah.

He then continues, can we please have a moratorium on this phrase, of all time? The electric guitar has been around for, what, 70 or 80 years, and all time is reckoned in billions. Just a thought, Mike Griffin. I don't know about you, but I feel stiff with stress.

I just thought we should bring it to you. I didn't say electric guitar, I said guitar. Oh, his voice is gone. The energy's gone. Good point, Mike Griffin. That energy's dissipated. I was including the medieval troubadours of yesteryear. Natch? Me too, in almost everything I say.

Come on, it's the only time I've ever heard the word troubadours followed by the word natch. I'm still doing that zesty upbeat thing. It's not really me. I think it's good that he's banning the phrase of all time. I think this is a bit like... He's actually picked up on our what would you ban request. Oh, I see.

He's the only person that has... I see, yeah. All right, of all time. You'd get rid of Beatrix Potter. Yeah, but I think it's fine because when you say of all time, say if it was electric guitar, it's still of all time, but obviously you're only dealing with that last bit of it. Yeah.

I'm with Frank on this. So inevitably it's of all time. Although conversationally speaking, if we are going to get rid of a thing, I think adults that use the phrase or word bestest, I mean, that is... Who does that? Oh, you know when people are like, oh, it's my bestest.

That's women with cuddly toys on the bed yeah it's a waste of all our times because the word best is shorter women with pink bedrooms oh dear it's why it's fine it's my bedroom's life without yeah what's that song yeah games without boundaries games without frontiers darling Games Without Boundaries Games Without Frontiers Darling Dogs Without Ears Is it something like that? Dogs Without Ears? No it's nothing like that Dogs Without Ears

Do you know what that reminds me of? You get Dogs Without Ears They've been savaged In the Patrick's Potter thing Dog Fighting Rings You need to get out more Absolute Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what we haven't talked about. What about that French tennis player? The one at Wimbledon. I believe his name is Benoit Paré. They're all called more or less that.

Is it really? No, but he got knocked out in the first round of the men's singles. And he said, I'm not at all sad to leave this place where the atmosphere displeases me greatly. Simply, I hate Wimbledon and I'm happy to leave as soon as possible. Thank you. Good night. Was he playing a baddie in a film as well? Absolutely.

Say that again. Absolutely. Say that again. I'm not at all sad to leave this place where the atmosphere displeases me greatly. Simply, I hate Wimbledon and I'm happy to leave as soon as possible. What I like about that is that you didn't say only once. Oh, no, I went for it.

I'll always go for it. Frank. What's going on? I love it. know, I went for it. I'll always go for it. Frank, what's going on? I love it. Yeah, I do. Now, I like this because it was very Big Brother Evicti, wasn't it? You know, when they say, yes, I'm going home. It was part Big Brother Evicti and part sort of weather forecast. The atmosphere

displeases me greatly. I feel like he's kind of going, oh, it's a bit muggy and I'm not really into the Wimbledon weather. Is it a weather thing or is it just... This is second language, though, to be fair. If it was Andy Murray going out at the Paris Open... Yeah. ...speaking in French, where would that be?

I don't know. Does he have French, Andy Murray? I don't know. No, of course he doesn't. Well, you say of course. Wigger does, doesn't he? Does he have French, Andy Murray? I don't know. No, of course he doesn't. Well, you say of course. Wiggo does, doesn't he? Does he? Yeah. You're obsessed by him. But Wiggo looks a bit more interesting.

You're obsessed over yourself. You've absolutely recreated Bradley Wiggins' hair, Dave. I mean, absolutely. I'd go so far as to say you've got an obsession over yourself with him. I haven't. As someone I work with once said to me of the craze. Really? He said, I don't know what happened to me.

I've got an obsession over myself with them. I like the obsession over myself. I like it. It's like the cloak of invisibility. What the obsession takes over. Anyway, so he yeah, he was, I like that he used the word displeased though. You don't hear that often enough in sports.

He might have been telling the truth. He might not be a bad loser. He might have really hated the whole English middle classness of Wynwood and, you know, the strawberries and cream and all that. Yeah, but you can't... Don't ever say you're pleased to go home. It's like in the jungle, as you call it, when they say, oh, yeah, I just want to see my family. What family?

You've only got one woman with extensions waiting on that bridge. I always think if you like your family so much, maybe you wouldn't sign up to a show where you could be away from them for three weeks. But, um... I don't know. You see, I like... I don't know. I... Losers are always more interesting than winners.

In a way, I hate winners. What does that say about us? Yeah, but you know what I mean? I mean, there's more documentaries about Hitler than Churchill. Why do you think that is? Because people, everyone loves a loser. Hang on. Are you using Hitler as a poster boy for losers here?

Well, yeah. That's all he was, in fairness. I'm not sure that's why they're doing documentaries on him. Because he lost. Believe me, if he'd won, we wouldn't be doing documentaries about him. It'd be a dangerous business. Because the family, it'd be a family business. He'd still have, he'd have his kids.

Well, he didn't have kids. The country would be run by Alsatians. An interesting take on fatherland there. Do you remember when Terry Griffiths... An interesting run by Alsatians. When Terry Griffiths got knocked out of the World Snooker Championship and he said, you know, there's a certain beauty in defeat. Oh, lovely. And that was one of the best things I've ever heard a beaten sportsman say.

Yeah, that's good. Apart from, stop, Frank, stop. That was when, I don't know if you, that was when Mark Corrie had forgotten our special word. But that's a different story. Oh, my God. But I like the fact that he reacted badly. It was a good thing.

Hello, are you still with me? Yeah, yeah, we're listening. We're listening to your theories. Okay. I do. That was all about theories. I'll tell you what I find. What do you find?

Do you find, like Frank, that every loser wins? That's why we do documentaries about it. No, but I quite like it, Frank. I like being the loser. If I'm playing a board game, I love it when I get out. I can sit back, luxuriate, have a glass of wine. No, this is, like, Frank, this is making it. No, I do love losing board games.

I know you, Emily Dean, and you hate it. Going out first, you would absolutely... You'd say, oh, this is lovely sitting back, but you would so hate it. I can't believe you said that. Insincerity. Absolute insincerity would be great. That would be a good station.

Yeah, love it. Yeah, we love you. Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, we're at Wimbledon. We're not at Wimbledon, can we make that clear? Well, no, but I hope to be. I don't like the atmosphere.

It displeases me greatly. Taking it into other territories there. Well, the other thing that's happening at Wimbledon is, you know, you can't say ball boys anymore. There's been new legislation. You can't say ball boys or ball girls. You have to say ball kids now. There genuinely hasn't been new legislation, has there?

Yeah, there has. No. I believe so. Well, they've told the commentators that's how they should refer to them. Ball children is what I suppose you'd end up with if you didn't go for kids. Ball youths? What about little bees? Because they're busy, aren't they? They run around.

If you said, oh, look at the little bees, they're getting the balls back. Yeah, but the trouble is with that is that they tend to operate as individuals, the ball. Let's call them the ball kids. I think what would be better, if there was like 20 of them at one side of the court, a boar goes free, and it's like the trout at the trout farm. They all seize upon it, and then they

hold on to that boar, and the one who's got the most boars at the end of the game gets some sort of prize. Maybe a necklace with Debbie on it. Isn't that going to reward the biggest, toughest of the little bees? No, it's going to it's the one with the best focus. I would have hated that job.

Why would you want to do that? The samurai code says that when a sparrow hawk attacks a sparrow you have to focus on the one you're going to go for and don't even look at the others just stick with it. Even if one goes really close to you, forget it, just keep with the one you're after. I've. Don't even look at the others. Just stick with it. Even if one goes really close to you, forget it. Just keep with the one you're after.

That's my advice to the ball kids under this new system. They've been forced to conform. I never had any desire to do that. I had to wear an unflattering skirt, stand. I think they're in shorts now. Oh, even though they've got ladies? Yes, I think that's part of

the new equality thing. Oh, I don they've got ladies? Yes, I think that's part of the new equality thing. Oh, I don't approve of that. I think they should wear green bodysuits. What, like morph suits? Like green bodystockings. Morph suits. Bodystocking. Yeah, and then they should have robotic telescopic tongs with Velcro tips.

So they're like lizards. They go... That's how they collect the balls off. That sounds great. That would be fantastic. Look on a bit Jeremy Fisher. They go... That's how they collect the balls off. That sounds great. That'd be fantastic. Look on a bit Jeremy Fisher. That'd be brilliant, though. Imagine that.

Plucking them out of the air. Oh, yeah. Hang on. Hang on. When they're in the air, they're sort of in play, aren't they? Not necessarily. Why do you have to turn...

Not if they've just bounced out. Oh, yeah. Good point. Why do you have to think it through? Are you turning it into a Doctor Who episode as well? No, it would just be, you know, give it a bit of theatre. That's what people want nowadays.

Come on, Tim! That's what they're after. Good ref. Come on, Tim! That's what they used to shout. That's what they shout at Andy Murray, though, now. Do they? Yeah.

They still shout, come on, Tim. Do they, really? Might have done it myself. That's good. That's very good. Comedy. Anne Hayden-Jones. um oh lovely reference west bromford one of the last that sounds like a euphemism what i don't know what for but it just does

no no she's uh oh oh she was the winner before um virginia wade yes do you know virginia wade no but thanks for the tips. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. You know what you can't take to Wimbledon

this year? If you do get tickets, is your thermos flask full of tea or coffee. Why would I do that? It's hot, isn't it? Isn't it hot, Wimbledon? That's just verboten. People drink tea in hot countries, don't they?

Thermos, please. People do drink tea in hot countries. That is a thing, isn't it? Ios, please. People do drink tea in hot countries. That is a thing, isn't it? I mean, the Indians like tea, don't they? The Indians do like tea, you're right. And it's hot there, I'm led to believe. It is hot.

That's just a fact, isn't it? I'm just telling you some facts. But you can't take your thermos flask this year to Wimbledon because they're saying, look, it's a security alert. It's confiscated. The Daily Mail are saying they're not letting you in with your thermos flasks so that they can charge you three quid for a cup of tea.

That's what the Daily Mail are saying. I'll tell you what else I like. That's true, isn't it? Got to be honest. Well, you say that, the Daily Mirror are saying the same cup of tea is £2.20, so I don't know who to believe anymore. It's all you do, read newspapers about this story. You know everything.

If it's about tea prices. I've got it on as an alert you just google alert on tea prices and then i just sporadically pick up my phone and go how much even on the quiet coach the morning star uh well you know what i liked about the daily mail is when they get quotes from people it's always a very specific type of person isn't it isn't it always boise from uh when they get a quote from a member of the public so in this case they asked caroline finds a philanthropy advisor she's a what now what sort of a joke she said i well i'll tell you exactly what she said she said i've always found it rather delightful that one can take in food and drink i like you said delightful um but what seems quite strange to me is what is a philanthropy advisor i know what that is what is it do they do they say give money to charity that'll be a grand please you know when you're

out with a friend and you walk past the big issue seller and and you say oh you don't want that that's that's you being a philanthropy advisor that's don't need that. Basically, she's turned that into a job. Okay, I'm quite obsessed by her. Anyway, so you can't take the tea in, Frank. No, what they should do is take a tea bag, or a few tea bags in their pockets, and then put them under the gum like a skull bandit. You know, the old skull bandits used to be a way of smoking

indoors. Is that right? They contained nicotine. Chewing back ears. They do a lot of them in Scandinavia. Well, they're in small bags like tea bags. Oh, are they? And you wedge them between your top lip and your gum and you just leave it there and let it drain. That reminds me of when I was in Chokey. Oh, I might get into that. I wouldn't recommend it. I've never really been a smoker

but I might get into it. Get into it. Well, hold on. I don't want to be the man who known known as the man who brought you into the Skull Bandit territory. Skull Bandit? Skull. S-K-O-A-L. Hang on, just let me write that down. Freddie Young-Tilden. S-K-O-A-L.

We were wondering about this new tobacco. S-K-O-A-L. Bandit. Get into it. No, don't get into it. Making a little aid memoir. But I'm told that the physio in the Swedish national side, football this is,

gives them out to the players because they think it's better than smoking tobacco. Can I say I absolutely not recommended it? Should it be an either-or for a professional footballer, you'd think. Just asking not to bother with tobacco. I pretty like Scandinavians. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I believe we're going to wander towards the email corner. Stop saying sashay, even though I've since proved right. You've been victimised. Here we go. Email Corner. since proved right. You've been victimised. Yeah. Here we go. And relax. Good morning, Frank, Emily, Alan, slash Steve, Matt, Pete, or whoever else is in. I see. Sorry, but sometimes we have to fill the gap.

Yeah. We've got other commitments every now and again. Give a guy a break, yeah? Frank. I hated that. Give a guy a break? No, the commitments. Oh.

It's on in the West End. Frank. Did you hate it? I quite liked it. I was very on Frank. Mustang Sally! Come on! Yeah, that kind of...

It's a bit Shane Ritchie singing, come on! Anything that's got that... Come on! Yeah, that kind of... It's a bit Shane Ritchie singing, come on! Anything that's got that kind of Mustang Sally thing in it. Right, yeah, it's lovely. Pop rock. He can write, though, can't he? Is it Roddy Doyle, the writer? I like Roddy Doyle, obviously. He can write.

But, you know, Mustang Sally. OK. No, that's a memo I wrote about a lynching that I'm going to later. Oh, I'll tell you what else they like. Try a little tenderness, those commitment swans. Make me get weary. I have to say, you moved on very quickly from the Mustang Sally part there. I thought it was splendid work for somebody that didn't get Sir Isaac Newton.

That's really good. I've bounced back. Yeah, haven't you? Good morning, Frank. This character, Terry Pinn. What's he got to do with anything? No, no, carry on. Frank, as a follower of...

I haven't seen him anymore. Very 70s Terry Pinn, aren't they? Yeah. Anyway. As a follower of the Nazarene maybe you can answer me this tweeting the Pope has proved next to useless why do church steeples have lightning conductors

when lightning is considered to be an act of God it is for insurance purposes isn't it I'll trust you to know about that the only person to read the T's and C's to his wife every night in bed I've got to have something to know about that. Yeah, yes. The only person to read the T's and C's to his wife every night in bed. Well... Got to have something to talk about. I think one of the reasons

that churches have lightning conductors is that we like to sort of kid the atheists that we're all in it together. Whereas, in fact, of course, we're very much behind the velvet rope

in the VIP area. Oh, clever. It's an age of acquirement. We have to pretend, oh, no, there won't be some very much behind the velvet rope in the VIP area. Oh, clever. It's an age of a quiet. We have to pretend, oh, no, there might be some atheists to get through. There won't be. There won't. Trust me, no. They're all damned.

Also, I think God does deliver lightning the way an American paperboy delivers newspapers. You know, it's a bit going down on the bike, just chucking them into people's gardens. I think, you know, he's busy. And I think lightning is the thing that he's not... He just doesn't have time to give it his full attention. I thought it might just be that they look like lightning rods, but they're actually like CB aerials. To God.

Do you think any of the priests are doing that? CB aerials to God. Oh, it could be to God, or it could just be to anyone. Like, you know, I don't know. Do CBs still even exist now that they've got mobile phones? No, but I'm going to start repopularising it. I'm going to say to people, CB me. Oh, yeah, nice.

What did they say to each other on the CB? Well, I can tell you that because I once went to a friend's house and we spent quite a lot of time on his CB and we mainly spent our time saying, Breaker 1-9, Breaker 1-9. Brilliant. Breaker 1-9, rig check. I remember saying rig check and I think that was basically saying, isaker 1-9, Breaker 1-9. Brilliant. Breaker 1-9, rig check. I remember saying rig check,

and I think that was basically saying, is this working? I think that took about five hours of our day. I don't remember getting a response, so maybe the rig check wasn't working. Yeah. Breaker 1-9 is what I used to say at the local wine merchants when I was ordering my breaker for the week. Yeah, texting. Copy, they used to say. Did they say copy?

Copy. Over. You definitely say over. We got ourselves a convoy. Good body. That's your work in the S&M community. The family next to us used to have a big mast in the garden. Did they do CB then in your day? For CB. Oh God, yeah. What do you mean?

Hey, that's another reason, isn't it? The mast. If it was on the top of the church, someone could say, that's a big mast. Mast and mast, isn't it? It's nearly a pun there, isn't it? Can I be honest?

It's a bit je suis. Je suis. I don't know what to say. It's very je suis. I feel a bit billiard. Yes. What was I talking about? I feel a bit billiard. Yes. What was I talking about? I can't remember what I was talking about.

It's thrown me completely. Oh, we were on this email. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. No, this email is from Archie McDarcy. What? No, you know, this is the email. He then goes on to say, also last week Emily mentioned A.E. Houseman

and the alarm failed to sound. Is this a voice-activated device? And if so, is it programmed to respond only to a male voice? I would say yes, Absolute Radio operates a male-only policy. Certainly not. Can I say Absolute Radio is equalitarised in every element? Where are we going to have lunch today? We usually have lunch at a local gay restaurant.

Can't you discuss this on the radio? No, but we go to a gay restaurant. It's going to be so busy today. Because it's Pride in London. And I just don't feel right going there today. I think they should get first go at the tables. It's their special day. At the tables? A special day? It's their special day. At the tables?

Their special day. It is their special day. You can't deny that. This is their moment. No, it is. Also, you don't want to see Lance today, do you? Well, I won't recognise him anyway. He's going to be dressed as a, I think he said, a purple dragon.

All right. Guys, honestly. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank, honestly. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in email corner. Yeah.

Yeah, let's stay here. Let's go on to the second one. This is from Rupert, prisoner 967. He says, dear Frank, Emily and Alan, although I hate myself for my pedantry. But he doesn't. I love yourself for your pedantry. Can I say never hate yourself for pedantry. Okay. Ever. Pedantry

is the sloppy person's word for accuracy. Oh, lovely. In last week's show, you might want to rethink that opinion presently. Is it me? In last week's show, while discussing Harrison Ford,

Frank incorrectly stated that Star Wars, or as Frank likes to call it... Star Wars? Star Wars, yeah. ...was set in the future. It is, of course, set a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. That's from Rupert. It is, yes.

Good point. How could you forget that? Which is mentioned quite early on in the film it's a doozy of a quote isn't it yeah yeah i'm still reading at that stage i must say yes yeah that's a fair point but you know um if you're a doctor who found the whole idea of time and past and future you know it's not important because it's your time with doctors don't you doctor who dr, you're right in there. Just any... Not all of them.

I can name a couple. Not all of them. A couple I don't like, but I don't really want to list them. Don't feel so bad, because last week someone tweeted me to helpfully point out that I'd made a mistake. I called him Hans Solo instead of Hans Solo. I gave him a little Danish twist. Well spotted on that one.

What's wrong with that? What's wrong with the Danish twist? I gave him a little Danish twist. Well spotted on that one. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with the Danish twist? I could just eat one, actually. Yeah, I'd love that. No, I... Time, you know, past and future, it's all mixed up and circular. I went into past times, you know that shop?

Oh, yeah. They had an electric till. Bizarre. What do you make of that? Ridiculous. That's why it closed down. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast From Absolute Radio

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio With Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Text us on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio Or email the show through the Absolute Radio website You know whenever I say the Absolute Radio website. You know, whenever I say the Absolute Radio website, I always slightly raise myself up in my chair. I don't know where that's

come from. I'm going to stop doing that. Do you think it's just to help you get that sort of zesty, high-energy voice that you bring to your broadcasting? Yes, I do think that. Have you ever noticed, by the way, Atwood, at the men's toilets? Oh, I feel so left out.

Here at Golden Square. You know we're on air, don't you? Yeah. Okay. Well, actually, you might have noticed this. How dare you?

On the door it says men's. Right. With no apostrophe. Oh. Oh. Is that good? That's right, isn't it?

Men's. I thought you were going to tell me. I haven't ever noticed the absence of the apostrophe. That can't be right, can it? Can I ask you a question? Yes, of course you can.

I don't know how to ask this. Are they separate? Are they cubicles, or is it all one area? No, no, they're separate cubicles. Oh, thank goodness for that. This must be great radio. Well, I think some people would be quite intrigued. What do you think?

I've seen people like a bit of minutiae. Here's hoping. If they have, we don't have to worry about them. They've just switched off. They'll be listening to someone saying, so why don't you tune in next week and you can win a TV set? TV set? What sort of thing is that?

Proper idea. What sort of station that was, 1963? Yeah, but I find that that's still on air. I liked it. Look, I feel we should make some reference to the fact that there's a World Cup going on. A World Cup? I mean, I know we try to avoid football on here because I've done a bit about it in the past. Apparently so.

I think we should probably recognise the passing of England, for example. Yeah, they're out. Yeah, it's for the best. You think? They're out, very appropriate on a day like today. I think England coming out of the World Cup is a bit like getting a splinter out of your finger. The pain's over now. The pain's over, you can just relax and get back to normal.

Enjoy the rest of the tournament. Do you mean you can now watch the tournament without the hang-up? Is that what you're saying? It's pleasant watching, you know, proper teams play nice football. Yeah, it's quite exciting now, isn't it? Didn't even have an official song this year. It's too late to get madness's I'm an embarrassment release, which is a pity. No, I thought it was terrible.

There seems to be some myth that we did alright. We lost, but we did alright. We did a bit better this time. No. Incorrect. Anyway. Well, every cloud though. I love that Suarez. There has been other news at that World Cup. The World Cup. I mean, you know, Suarez

has been in what Frank Spencer would call a bit of trouble. A little bit of trouble. Yes, but you know, what is it that, you know when you get really, really loose your temper and you feel you want to hit someone? Yeah. I've never thought, oh, I'll just bite you if you get... No. I get that sometimes if I really, really like someone.

You want to bite them. You want to bite them. I want to bite them. Yeah, right, yeah, yeah. But I mean in a nice way, not hard. I wonder if it's coming from that, if it's a little bit, you know, a little bit cheeky. He's attracted to defenders every now and again. Yeah, I mean, I don't think... Is he going to end up doing ads, though?

He is, isn't he? I don't think what he did... Yeah, fighty ads. It wasn't as bad as what England did in the World Cup. You think? It wasn't as disgusting. They should have like a 20 game ban. I think, yes, I think

we should just say let's not go. Let's not go until we've sorted ourselves out. Let's not go again. You see, controversially, I do like myself a character. He is a bit of a character. I'm not saying what he did was right, but at least he's got a bit of character. I was angry at first. I mean, I would write him an abusive letter,

but apparently the postman won't go anywhere near his house. Can you blame him? I mean, he's a man with big teeth, though, isn't he? We can say that, can't we? I think you can say that, yeah. If I was him, the last thing I would do would be attract attention to that fact. Like, if I was going to hit somebody, I'd hit them and go, ooh, look at my hands.

Don't in any way look at my teeth, because these are quite a set I've got. But it's almost like he wants us all to look at his nashes. Did you see the marks he left there? I did see the marks, yeah. That guy, he pulled his shirt down into a sort of Jane Russell in The Outlaw. He looked like...

I couldn't really see the bite, Mark. Really? No, I couldn't see it. But the rest of the world has. I don't think, I wasn't at all, I'm not saying he didn't do it. He was in denial about quite a number of things. No, no, I accepted there probably was a bit of biting. Whether there was sufficient VT evidence for a long bear, I don't know.

Why do you always side with these people? He could have easily been... He's like an underdog, though, isn't he? When you play football at the top level, you often get those bits... Oh, you should know. You get those bits... Why do you talk like you're Gary Lineker? Is this from your Barcelona years?

No, but I've met a few. And you often, when you're running... We've all met a few, love. When you're running a lot, you get those bits of white in the corner of your mouth. I think he might have just been wiping those off. On somebody's shoulder. I think the evidence of a mouth, I think he might have just been wiping those off. On somebody's shoulder. I think the evidence of a bite was flimsy. If he hadn't bitten someone before...

Two different occasions. When you play football at the top level, you've never heard anything like it. Listen. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There's also a bit of a merchandise disaster with the old World Cup. There certainly was.

You mean the UMI? Unfortunate merchandise incident. Oh, wasn't there? There was a UMI. I'd say UMI. Where was I? Tesco. And there was big things up saying, come on, England, like three days after they'd gone out? Oh, that's unfortunate, isn't it? Unless they're trying to sell luggage. Like, our boys couldn't wait to get their bags packed. Yeah.

And this is, you know, that'd be a good way of doing it, as a tie-in worth remembering for two years and four years' time. Well, maybe not. For the luggage makers. Maybe 30 years' time. Well, maybe not. For the luggage makers. Maybe 30 years' time. There was a mug that was meant to have Chris Smalling's face on it, and it had Barack Obama's picture on it. Oh, yeah.

And it's ended up selling better than all the actual proper merch, I think, put together. I think it's flown out. What was the headline on this store? Are you aware? It's the fact that it's flown out. What was the headline on this story? It's the fact that it's got cops and mugs in it. It all seems like it's absolutely lined up for it. Have you got a point?

No, no, I just sorted out all the ingredients. No, but there will be some... I think someone on the Daily Mail comments must have said it couldn't be any worse than the mugs on the pitch. I bet you someone said that. But you know when... I could. One of the worst things you can uh hear a

politician talk about is football yeah it's dreadful they never know anything about it and they all time it's always oh awful and barack obama is uh i mean he's um super cool i think you'd agree he is cool yeah yeah and i've never heard him say anything which made me think oh god that's a bit embarrassing and then he mentioned the fact that usa had got through the the group and he sounded like when david cameron talks about it oh no he was just saying yeah and they've uh they've got through the um this um this section of the and And it was... Oh, God. And suddenly he became one of those bumbling, foolish politicians. It was awful.

It's a shame, isn't it? So he's had a terrible World Cup, is what I'm saying. He's ended up on Chris Smalling's mog. Well, haven't we all? He's destroyed his cool. Can I be honest? I thought Barack Obama looked OK

as a member of the England squad. I thought it was quite interesting that he could pass. I mean, yeah, he's knocking it out a bit. He can pass. Oh, he definitely can member of the England squad. I thought it was quite interesting that he could pass. I mean, yeah, he's looking a little bit... He can pass. Oh, he definitely can't play for England then. I think you'll find out, Mary. I was hoping he wouldn't fit in at all.

No, but he could pass for a member of the squad. Now, I was thinking of you two. Alan Cochran? I don't know, if I'm honest. It's a bit woodwork, teacher. You don't look like you've got the aggression. I think he could be nice. A bit of a Peter Crouch type, maybe.

What about if Alex Salmond, for example, had been accidentally put on? That wouldn't have worked. There aren't many politicians who could pass as a member of the England team. You wouldn't have thought. Frank, you're tailor-made, but a few decades ago, if you don't mind me saying.

You've got an old-fashioned face. Manager mug. Yeah, manager. Yeah. Intelligentsia manager. You've got an old-fashioned face. Manager mug. Yeah, manager. Yeah. Intelligentsia manager. Nice Roy Hodgson-style manager. No, it may be small spectacles. Yes.

Yeah, and a sort of literary quote in the post-match. Lovely. Nice. Like when our 13-match unbeaten run at West Brom ended and Roy Hodgson said, well, as the Chinese say, even the tallest tree in the forest doesn't go all the way to the sky. Is that what he said?

To heaven, I think he said, to heaven. I'm misquoting him. Yeah. And, you know, that's a good thing for a manager to say, I think. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know those little wind-up chattering teeth that you can get as a kid's Radio. You know those little wind-up chattering teeth that you can get as a kid's toy? You know those? Yeah. They'd be a good bit of Luis Suarez merch now, wouldn't they? I don't know if he wants to push it. Oh, I think he will. If Liverpool don't sell him

and they're listening... Liverpool won't sell him. Anyway, let's not get into football. I think, a player of that quality, you could forgive if he went into a McDonald's and shot 15 people. I'd still think, well, you know, he's having a difficult time. I think, you know, he's had a six-month suspension.

That's plenty. Right, fair enough. So, I've got news to report from Planet planet Alan Cochran if you will you know I'm not the most upbeat individual always no well don't put yourself down I've been making real strides to try and keep cheery have you?

I'm not joking, I know it's a phrase oh you better get off this show then I've literally been walking on the sunny side of the street there's a street near me one side's in shade and the other side's in sunshine I've been walking on the sunny side of the street. There's a street near me, one side's in shade and the other side's in sunshine. I've been walking on the sunny side. And it's nice, isn't it? It's nice in Havreland. Well, I've always done this. Can I just say, does...

Have you? Frank, do you go towards the sunny side of the street? I do. Um, yes, generally, I do. Yes, I can see you as that type. And do you know what else has happened recently? I've been looking for things that I'm all right at, and I'm not kidding, I think at least three times in about ten days, I've absolutely nailed parallel parking.

I mean, nailed it. I've never nailed that. Punched the air. And I've got a new car since mid-February. Did you punch the air like when Frank swam a length? Yes! A bit like that. It hasn't got parking sensors and it's a big vehicle and I've been nailing

parallel parking. I don't know how you do that. I've been driving for 11 years now. I can't just say I'm so good at it. Are you? I'm so good. It's unbelievable. Are you really? Unbelievable. I think I'm having my best bit of driving now. I think reversing is next to impossible.

It's next to first. I've been driving... Oh, God, I've been pressing the wrong thing. No, I've been driving around a few country lanes this last week. Oh, yeah. You've always got to reverse. And you know those ones where if there's a car coming the other way, one of you has to reverse into the nearest sort of pulling in bit.

I've had a couple of those. And, you know, people whiz backwards. They just whiz backwards. And I'm very, I keep going into the hedge and all that. Oh, dear. You see, when I first learned to drive, I was in a Triumph Toledo. And there was a watermark on the back. I used to use that as my guide on the back windscreen.

Whatever you call the back windscreen. Is that still a windscreen? It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to take any wind. Back window, I suppose. Still a bit of wind in it, hasn't it? I used to use that. I've never replaced it.

So I find reversing, honestly, more difficult than putting together a 90-minute stand-up show. Is that true? It comes so naturally to me, reversing, I cannot tell you... You're the woman I've been searching for in my home. Oh, sorry. Still on air, you say? Frank, you've always got to line it up on arrival. That's where you're going wrong. Line it up perfectly with that parallel parking.

I'll tell you what I do. I parked last night. I mean, literally outside my house. So if you walked out, there's my car. And it can be a tight squeeze outside your house. And it's about I'd say half an inch from the kerb front, the front wheels and the back wheels. It's perfect. Oh, will you send us a picture?

And my girlfriend, who arrives back tomorrow from a weekend break, said, you going to pick me up from the station? I said, no, get a cab. I thought, I don't want to move it. It's a shame to move it. I'll leave it a few more days. It's perfect. I'll never park that well again. Is it because you don't want

to move it or because you want to watch another Revenge of the Spiders Doctor Who episode? It's called Planet of the Spiders, actually. Yeah, Revenge of the Spiders. That wouldn't exist. Planet of the Spiders. That's't exist. Planet of the Spiders. That's what he did with his free time. Yes.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Rating Out. Yeah, so I always think a very bold reverser. You know, those people that just zoom back. I always think they're probably not that bright. Oh, you would say that. I do kind of assume that.

That's because you can't do it. Yeah, maybe it's just me justifying myself, but they have that look about them as well. They don't have the foresight to see that there's any danger. I sort of speak before you think types. If you're in the balloon, they're going to be pretty well near the top of the list when it comes to the throwing half of the sign. That's my view.

I also agree, though. It's little things that make you very happy. I was so happy with that parking. I remember as we were back to the World Cup, the last World Cup, we were losing, I think, 4-1 to Germany. Oh, yeah. And I leaned across to David Baddiel. We were both pretty down about it.

And I said, just remember, I got some soft mints in the van. And it did make it feel like, oh, God, I forgot about that. When you're on your way to soft mints, you know they're going to be there. Especially if they may be slightly warmed up in the van. I love finding an old suite. Don't you? Yeah, I do. Well, today's the day.

So, yeah, also, you know that moment when you realize the edges have come off the soap you know when you first get a bar of soap it's a bit i don't know i haven't bought soap darling in 20 years you have a liquid dispenser i have a liquid dispenser and then i have products i don't have soap anyway as you were well i buy judgment it's a harsh rectangle imperial leather buy soap you stay in as many hotels as you do and you buy soap. Sorry. Surely you've got a room for the little soap. You steal soap.

Don't steal it. You wouldn't take the soap, would you, from a hotel? On occasion. What are you? You soap thief. Are you crazy? I don't like it to be wasted. Once you've started it, you think, well, they're only going to put it in the bin.

Do you take wet soap? Do you pack it in a plastic bag? This is absolutely disgraceful. Put it in my wash bag, yeah going to put it in the bin do you take wet soap do you pack it in a plastic bag this is absolutely disgraceful do you have a special pouch for the soap you know you just said that's disgusting i told somebody the other day that i had been given a a brand new polo shirt by my father-in-law who gives me things every now and again and and they said all right what other stuff have you had and i said well i well, I've got a pair of his swimming shorts that I got swimming in that he used to wear. Is that weird? Is that weird to wear my father-in-law's hand-me-down swimming shorts?

I wouldn't wear someone else's swimming shorts. It's a bit Brothers Grimm. Oh, well, that's what I'm doing. People do find it disgusting. Yeah. I must admit, I'm not often disgusted, but I'm bored of life at the moment. I mean find it disgusting. Yeah. I must mean I'm not often disgusted but I'm bored of it at the moment. I'm in the disgusted postcode.

Absolute Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, I had a thing this week in the car. I was pulling out onto a main road and there was a person pulling, I can't really explain this phrase, he was pulling out and turning

right and I was pulling out from the other side of the road to turn left so we ended up going into the same lane as it were. And I went to go and then he and someone stopped. And when he drove past he slowed up and did one of those massive stairs

right face against the window. Oh, the psychotic stares. One of those stares. Did he recognise you? Well, I had got, like, big Lou Reed shades on. That's how he does all his driving. So, he wouldn't have, I don't think, but, you know, it's one of

those things where you really wish you'd got a sooty glove poppy that you could just bring just bring it up to the thing because he's been so male and look at and just to bring up sooty and just not just have a you know have a bit of a look at him and then go back down again i really wish i might keep one in the uh in the glove poppet compartment you could have two you could you could do all your driving with glove puppets on and then just...

That was for the moment. It's the reveal I was after. The big reveal. But I actually did. I will confess I did a bit of that. Well, you always do, every week. Imagine beating him up after. You know that thing that you do. I'd never imagine beating someone up. I'd still be doing that.

Do you imagine that? Is that what men do? Oh, I do that all the time. Do you? All the time. We don't do that, do we, girls? I don't mean just rough them up a bit. I'm on about putting them in hospital for three or four weeks. Do men fantasise about that? I would say I give typically about three

days of my week to that. Really? Yeah. I can't imagine what it's like. I'd say I'm down to that. Really? Yeah. I can't imagine what it's like. I'd say I'm down to two and a half now. Well, well done. But I'll tell you what worries me.

It struck me. You're probably busier than me. Well, this is a revelation to me. Well, it struck me afterwards that... Well, I'm glad it didn't strike you afterwards. No, he didn't lay a hand on me in my fantasy. What happens in the fantasy? Do you just go up to him and hit him? Well, I think I actually dragged him through the open car window.

Do you? Yeah, I don't know. And do you always win the fight in these fantasies? Oh, God, win? Win isn't the word. What happens at the end of the fight? In an ideal scenario, what happens? I urinate on them.

But I wasn't going to bring that up. Absolutely horrified. What occurred to me is that I never... What's wrong with him? I never fantasised... I asked, but I didn't know that was going to happen. I never fantasised about doing really good, gentle things to people. I never think, wow, what if I'd gone over and give that person, you know, 50 quid and said, look after you, made them really happy.

I never fantasise about, oh, I just fantasise about that horrible violent thing. Yeah. What about you, Alan? Same? Oh, yeah, same. How does your fantasy end? Please don't say it's in the same way. Well, on a good day, it'll end with the urination, and on a bad day, it'll end with a long, morbid fantasy about the prison sentence that is pending after it yeah i have that thing when i'm driving away and then i can see they're not moving in the rear view mirror and i think i've got to kill them yeah that's a worry in it i'm flabbergasted are you

really yeah i thought this stuff was so obvious in I've never ever in my whole life. It's another version of the, what's that, Descalier thing? Esprit Descalier. Yeah. It's that, isn't it? Yeah, but I don't imagine urinating on people. Anyway, I don't think we can say urinating three times. Or is it like Beetlejuice or something?

No, it's not that thick. It's, uh... Absolute.. It's... Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We haven't talked about the Queen today at all. Really? Ironically. Well, the Queen went to Antiques Roadshow. I saw that.

She went to Antiques Roadshow. She loved it. Prince Philip asked the classic question people always ask. He said, when's this going to be on? Can you believe that he said that? That's what people always say. Any cameras anywhere in the street, when's this going to be on? Has he not got Skype lost at the palace?

Maybe he's so used to being on the news that he's thinking, it's going to be on tonight. Every time there's a camera around, he's thinking, it's going to be tonight, isn't it? Because it's the news. I'm on the news, generally. What about when the Queen said, this would be great if it was on in August, as we'd have a chance to see it?

We haven't got Sky Plus, are we, Claire? It's like 1953 approach to watching television. She might have a packed July. Something tells me it'll now be on in August, so let's leave it there. Can there be, have I ever been less surprised by anything in my life to discover

that the Queen likes antiques, Roach? You could write a list of the Queen's programmes. Yeah. Spring Watch. Yeah. Coast. Yeah. You know what she's gonna like. Oh, I know. They assessed some of her pieces, didn't they? Yeah. A bronze horse. Mm-hmm. Oh, I couldn't pick

route one. Wasn't that... Not bronze horse? Didn't they just in the building? Didn't they say to her, oh, God, couldn't you have got anything a bit less obvious? Mum. Mum? Mum.

You have to call them, you have to call them mum. I think it's mum rather than mum. No, I think it's, they sort of, very posh people say, like, mum. Oh.

She also went to the Game of Thrones set. They can't open their mouths very white, very posh people. She went to the Game of Thrones set as well. Yeah. Now, I have a personal interest. Yes. As you may know, my boyfriend is the Game of Thrones set. They can't open their mouths for their wife very possibly. She went to the Game of Thrones set as well. Yeah. Now, I have a personal interest. Yes. As you may know, my boyfriend is in Game of Thrones.

I thought you meant you'd invested in it heavily. You know, I've got a little bit. I've got some of the back end. Emily goes out with Charles Dance. My toy boy. Yeah, so she went there. I didn't get to go, which is a bit of a shame. He didn't get to go.

He was working. Right. What's the point if I didn't get to go, which is a bit of a shame. He didn't get to go. He was working. Right. What's the point if I'm not going to get these little perks? To be honest, I think that's good scheduling. No film set is big enough for you and the Queen in the same visits. Well, my... Your friend Conneth. One of my dear friends, Conneth, who is the godfather of my child,

he's in Game of Thrones. He scrubbed up while. He was there. Yeah. Well, my girlfriend said he looked more like the Queen than the Queen, which I told him he wasn't very happy about. He's got a shock of white hair. But he was chewing. Was he?

When he was talking to her, he was chewing. And I mentioned this to him, and he said that he had some regret about it, I think. But he did look... I don't know what the rules are on that. Was it Skull Bandits? I hope it was. Skull Bandits! Is that what it was on?

You don't choose, Scott. Can I say before we leave? You probably place it in the gum. Please don't try Skull Bandits if you're... If you're meeting the Queen on other occasions. Mind you, I sense now, after the radio, I'm thinking, hold on, they might advertise with us. Let's not do that. No, no, don't want to... Do you mean eating the Queen on other occasions? Mind you, I sense they're absent radio thinking, hold on, they might advertise with us. A hot new contract with Skull Bandits.

It's still nicotine and tobacco and stuff, so please don't think that it's all right to have Skull Bandits. Whereas Dr Pepper, yowza! You know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Enjoy your day. God bless you.

Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.