The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Jeans

Episode Date: October 13, 2012

This week Frank, Emily and Alun talk skinny jeans, Samcam, being told off and sleeping in public.

This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran at my side, at my left and right hand. And welcome to all our regular listeners and to the four new ones who will probably not get to the end of this link. So, so what? Can I start by saying my lips are really sore. Are they darling? Do you want some lip gloss? I tell you what, will that help?

Do you want a balm? That's what I need, a soothing balm. Is there a balm in the building? What do you do with the ale in balm? Well, I just say balm. OK. But I can't say almond. I have to say almond.

I bet you say balm pot, don't you? Balm pot. Don't you call people a balm pot? That's what I need. I need a balm pot for some balm. Anyway, hold on, I forgot my admin. OK, go on. You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter,

at Frank on Absolute, like with David Cameron and Ashney Cole. That's the kind of company you've put me in. Don't look at me. I've not done it. And this morning's texting is, what should this morning's texting be? So if anyone's got any good ideas... Slightly low energy start to the show.

No, I don't know. I think that's great. I think you'd say our listenership is a hotbed of ideas. Oh, yeah. We have had an email in, Frank. Would you like to hear that? Whoa, an email. That's a bit archaic. What are we going to get next, a Xerox? Well, we had a Telex in as well. Absolute Radio still have a Telex machine, just in case.

This is from Rob, who served you at, I don't mean he's an angry ex-partner, he didn't get papers, but he served you in a waiting capacity at Calcot Manor. Does that ring any bells? papers but he served you in a waiting capacity at calcot manor does that mean manor was where i had a short break recently but when i went away for a bit yeah he had a baby mini break you didn't sleep much i seem to recall no i didn't sleep hello frank i just wanted to send you a message to say i love listening to your show and i was also working at Calcott Manor when you stayed and it was a great pleasure

to meet and serve you. How lovely. I served you the bum bumbleberry juice that you didn't order. My teeth just got down the wrong way. That you didn't order. Bumbleberry juice? Oh yeah. The English waiter in the

gumstool inn is me. Take care Rob. So he's got two jobs. It's always tricky, isn't it, when someone comes over and puts something on your table and it's not, you haven't ordered it. I always think, it happened to me in Wagamama recently with some prawny things, and I thought we could eat these. Yeah.

What comeback would they have? They couldn't charge you. It's like money coming out of the cash machine, isn't it, that you see every now and again in the paper. You've just got to have it, haven't you? Did you eat them then? No, I haven't got the nerve. It's so rule-bound. I'd never have been a master criminal. And were you the same with

the bumbleberry juice? Did you bottle it? I didn't know what it... I didn't know what it... I didn't bottle it. Thanks very much. Thanks. Smuggled it in. Lovely, Alan. It sounded like it might contain bee venom. Bumbleberry juice. It does sound fictional. Is it a real thing, Alan. It sounded like it might contain bee venom. Bumbleberry juice. It does sound fictional.

Is it a real thing, bumbleberry? I don't know. It sounds like something that they'd have in Harry Potter, wouldn't it? Like Dumbledore had a bumbleberry juice. Yeah, well, there'd be a Professor Bumbleberry, wouldn't there? Yeah, probably. I think it sounds a bit dodgy. Anyway, that's from Rob. That's nice that it was a pleasure to meet and serve me.

How lovely. That is, yeah. Someone, a nurse said to me yesterday that it was a privilege to give me a flu jab. Privilege. I had to have a flu jab now because at my age it's a killer. Frank! It is.

I'm at that age now where I could be one of the statistics that go down frank will you make sure you keep the heating up i worry about you yeah i'm doing my best but it's a constant fight against uh my uh girlfriend who's sort of uh she's like mr manhattan from the watchman she seems to be uh have you got one of those little alarms if something happens, though? You can always call. You've got a call. You know help is on its way. Oh, my buzzer.

Yeah, my buzzer. I've got that round my neck now. In case I have one of my falls, yeah. She said a very interesting thing to me this week. I'll tell you after this frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio my baby's five months old now and he's uh he's on the verge of um crawling oh yeah excellent and uh and so you have to change your house around everything in your house has to go like three feet at least three feet off the ground otherwise you'll eat a cd or something of that nature i saw him making a move for my bag the other day yeah sorry about that i'm turning him up in a sort of fagin-esque

style but um kath was talking about it and she said yeah yeah, it's going to be difficult and it's going to be like keeping an ant. Which is a description I've never heard of the crawling child, but I liked it. I'm going to stick with that as my image for that period. I'll tell you what it is. I had a whole tube, I mean a whole tube yesterday of salt and vinegar Pringles. Are we back to the chappy lips? It's actually, it's like it's blistered my lips. You know what I mean?

It's like eating radioactive isotopes. Can I say this is a very good first world problem? It's very, diamond shoes are on too tight. Surely we're sending, do we not send Pringles to Africa? I can't believe that. I think that would exacerbate the thirst problem. Oh yeah. Actually it wouldn't be right to send them the salt and vinegar. The salt and vinegar

I think are actually a health and safety hazard. My lips today. I don't recall a Pringle ever touching my lips. I'm right in the whole thing. They only touch teeth and throat. Really? Yeah. Wow, you're like my car CD player.

I'm like one of those people... You just hold your mouth in a sort of slit and they slowly go straight in. I'm like one of those tribesmen that Sting used to hang about with. Oh, yeah. Just with a little tray of Pringles in the front. Yeah, they could play table tennis and the piano accordion at the same time. I know what you mean, frankly.

They can be quite stringent. What, those tribesmen? No! I think that's why he stopped hanging around with them and moved across to... What's her name? Who's Mrs Sting? Oh, Trudy Stylia.

Trudy Stylia. Yeah. Met her once. Oh, she was gaunt. Oh, was she? Was she John Gaunt? She was post-gaunt, I tell you. Frank, I don't know if you've noticed,

but David Cameron, being what I call a real early adopter, has decided to get on the old Twitter bandwagon. Yes. Isn't that our cue to get off it? Yeah. Yeah, I read about this. He sent a tweet which included the phrase, the British people. And this is a cross party thing. Any politician from any party I hear use the phrase, the British people, I know in their head is following it within brackets who i despise the british people who i despise need to be taught and i always think that's a very bad sign one of his first tweets included

that phrase so that's not good one of his first tweets also included the phrase had a really constructive session with police and crime commissioner candidates earlier someone needs to tell him that it's meant to be funny, Twitter. That's what he used it for. It's not great material, Pat. There was a picture of him with his birthday cake. I was there. Yeah.

Because he had a birthday and he joined... Did he join it to sort of raise awareness of the party conference? Is that the basic PR thing that he was trying to do? Yes, but unsurprisingly, he got quite heavily abused, I think. He should have just called himself Ass Insult me. So this is why I'm not on Twitter, because people, the haters, I don't want to let in the haters. Well, haters can't hate.

Well, they have. He has, he's letting the haters. But they had a picture of him, and he's been given his birthday cake, which is a chocolate caterpillar, and he's cutting it, and they're all laughing. He hasn't got a tie on. You know when he takes his tie off? Yeah, yeah.

It's all met working class people. I find him quite sexy when he does that. Really? I know. I think if you can't dress up to be the Prime Minister of England, you shouldn't have the job. What occasion do you think is smart, Brett? His wife's got jeans on in the picture.

Have they been to a fancy dress party as ordinary people? What have you guys come up with? Oh, we come as ordinary people. Oh, well, I'm hoping you won't let us in. I don't want to be at a party where there's ordinary people. Oh, you're a damn new character. Get in, you pair. That's what happened there.

Frank, I'd like to discuss the jeans further. I'm not done yet. OK. Can I say she looked great in jeans? Yeah. But inappropriate. I think we all know that. She should bring out her own range of corduroy trousers

called camcorders. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were discussing the Prime Minister and the First Lady. Do they call her the First Lady? I think that's fair enough. Well, if they don't, let's start that now. You know what also bothers me? The whole party conference thing.

The whole party conference? Is that what you went to this week? No, no. But when they say party conference? Is that what you went to this year? No, no, no. But when they say party conference season, and you just think, well, it just, it sort of proves that politicians are a bit weird. Aren't they just call it AW, like us? Autumn, winter.

But nobody thinks, oh, yeah, this party needs a bit more conference. It's just weird. It's like having a talking corner for a party. I think it's all terrible. I mean, I'm on a downer. I think it's just weird like it's having like a having a talking corner for a party i think it's all terrible it's something i mean i'm on a bit of a downer on politics in general at the moment oh yeah well it's the caterpillar cake basically because i know that there will have been a meeting of pr people saying what should the birthday cake be like and And someone would have said, let's go for the caterpillar.

And I'm trying to work out what their symbolism was with that. Are they trying to say everything looks horrible and sticky now, but it will emerge, something beautiful will emerge from the coalition? Is that what they're trying to say? I tell them it will not be an accident,

the caterpillar cake. Somebody would think they would, it'll have a, yeah. If he'd have wanted a, say if they'd have got him a hitler themed but okay so it would have been all sorts of um kerfuffle about it there would yeah yeah i could see how that yeah i don't think anyone's ever requested that i'd like it if they had i could see how as a pr exercise caterpillar would be less incendiary the john terry cake would have caused all sorts of trouble. There's all sorts of...

We'll leave it there, the list of cakes that could have caused trouble. We'll leave there. Yeah, yeah. But the caterpillar... Starling cake. The caterpillar. Someone will have said, if we have a caterpillar, it sort of suggests that we are...

That's funny. It'll grow. There's a chrysalis vibe. I get what you're saying, Frank. I do think, though, to the more important matter of the day, the indigo jean. Yes. The skinny jean that Sam Cam

went for. She was a bit less smart than him, wasn't she? She was. Wasn't he in the suit and she was in jeans? He looked rather fetching. They were going to the Andrew Marshall where you've got to wear your jeans pretty tight round the waistband. Because he's a lucky dipper. If you're not careful.

You don't want to be on your way to the conference and David's saying, what's that dragging noise? Oh, sorry, I think Andrew's still got his hands stuck. I've been dragging him for the last mile and a half. Andrew's still got his hand stuck. I've been dragging him for the last mile and a half. See, I think she might have said, is this fine? And he might have done that thing of going, wear whatever you want. Wear whatever you want.

And she's gone, are you sure this is fine? Because you look a lot smarter than me. And he's gone, anything, anything goes, Dom. You can see, a bit panicky in the hotel suite. Straighteners are everywhere. He just wants to get out. He wants out. Because we had a thing last week. He's on the phone saying, caterpillar be fine. We're busy. L just wants to get out. He wants out. Because we had a thing last week. He's on the phone saying, Caterpillar will be fine.

We're busy. Lose the John Terry kit. Go Caterpillar. Yeah, wear whatever you want. And she's spraying too much perfume, so the whole room stinks of it. Right, yeah. I imagine he's a bit chilly,

and he's not in a pastel-shade sweater around his shoulders, ready to go out. Or we might have to put the roof up. Because we went to a friend's 50th last week and my wife said it's dressed to impress, I've bought a frock. And I went, are you sure it's dressed to impress? Because his wife is bubbly and bubbly people cannot be trusted. Does that mean she's overweight?

No, no, she's just bubbly. And she said, no, she definitely said it's dressed to impress. And I went, she's a bubbly person. That could mean be there or be square. We're having a party, dressed to impress. Turned up, only people that are dressed to impress. Everyone else is in jeans and a shirt. She's got a new frock on and I've got a suit on. Sorry, what happens in life when you don't dress to impress?

I do that every morning. Dressed to non-impress. Yeah, that's not aimpress yeah that's that's not a dress code that's life well i think it should be a dress code but we looked awesome don't get me wrong but my girlfriend's adopted the dress to express which involves a bra with a trap door like normally i would have only seen in some sort of exotic lingerie shop. Frank referred to it the other night.

He said, oh, yeah, Cathy's dressed as, what was it, Les Miserables chic, he called it. But the thing is, you just get sick. You get so much sick on you in the end. You just wear, like, a tracksuit. Yeah. Yeah. Overalls.

Well, she still looks that. Parenting overalls. Exactly. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio On the subject of Sam Cam's skinny jeans

I now slightly overlap with Sam Cam on the Venn diagram You slightly overlap them jeans you're wearing I've been given some freebie jeans Ah, and I'm in freebie shock freebie jeans yeah and they're a bit skinnier than my normal ones they are quite I thought they were quite snug Frank

they're a very modern comedian thing to wear those skinny jeans that's one of the things that puts me off them are you going to grow hair like a chrysanthemum the other look and have a low slash V t-shirt. No, I haven't got the physique to carry that off, but I think I can carry off the jeans just about.

I think they look good. Yeah, they look snog. They're almost circus performer snog. But, you know, you've got two kids already, so no real harm can be done. Well, I like to be cried, not not grasped oh god frank well uh the the the good thing about them is that they're a bit skinny at the bottom but not at the top because they're actually the um they're a new range they're levi's commuter so they're for

people that cycle i hate them instantly really really I don't like commuter. Yeah, they're... That's me all. I'm anti-Semitic. I don't like Levi's. That's a joke. Don't just take that out in isolation. Oh, yeah. I do like the sound of them. Well, they look nice.

You've sold them. They've got a little bit of waterproofing to them. What? And they're a little bit stretchy as well. You're not wearing stretchy jeans. They're stretchy. They've got a stretch in them. Are they for men?

Are you wearing a jegging? And, even more mind-blowing When you turn them up, the turn-ups have got a little bit of the UV reflector thing For when you're pedalling, so people can see you Limey, alright What will they think of next? It's mind-blowing, isn't it? I'm taken aback by that.

I tell you my problem with the skinny jean generally is that obviously when you're following a leg down, then the foot suddenly comes out of nowhere. I know you're anti-boot cut, but one thing about the boot cut, it generally introduces the idea that there's going to be a 90 degree angle coming up you know what i mean it it it it gives you a sudden yeah yeah whereas with the skinny jeans

it's straight straight straight whoa there's a foot there's no it's too abrupt there's no warning i know what you mean frank yeah like an elephant uh an elephant no an elephant doesn't have the elephant's legs just go straight down. It's boot cut. Yeah, you're not surprised by the foot. It's a disadvantage. I don't know if you've been to Africa, but you see a lot of ankle bracelets in the dirt

that have just slipped straight off them because there's nothing for them to hang on at all. No perches. Yeah. That have just slipped straight off them because there's nothing for them to hang on at all. No purchase. Yeah. They're a hazard elephant ankle bracelets. It's like those. You know those plastic things you used to put on? I know, I was saying that only the other day.

You used to put those plastic straps on newspapers and sometimes you'd step on them and step in them and fall over. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's like that. Poor old Africans. They're all over the place. Yeah, it's like that. Poor old Africans. They're all over the place.

And they're also rubbish at keeping up, the elephants, for the same reason. Yeah, yeah. So glad you said elephants. And also, they can't just sit up because they can't hook their feet under anything. Well, they could. I think it might be time for Email Corner. Email Corner. Male Corner. The Female Corner.

Hmm, what do we got? We've got one addressed. What do you got? All one word. Hi, Frank Allen Emily. Yeah. Emily might be interested to know that there was a J. Frank Skinner who died in

Augusta, Georgia. That's my number plate. J. Frank Skinner who died in Augusta, Georgia. That's my number plate, J. Frank Skinner. Is it? I couldn't just get Frank Skinner, I tried everywhere. Was it cheaper? Yeah, J. Frank Skinner was a couple of quid off, why not? The S is like a five, but I've put like the screw in the number plate in it so it looks... Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's so cheap. Emily might be interested to know that there was a J. Frank Skinner who died in Augusta, Georgia in 1911 who was said to be the tallest elk in the world when he died. Oh, whoa!

Seven foot four. That is all. Glenn in Kinver. Kinver? Oh, I like that I'd be specifically interested to know as opposed to anyone else on the show. For your information, Glenn, I'm pathologically uninterested in this.

I find this fascinating. I don't understand it. Why would an elk be called J. Frank Skinner? Why did he have a name? It didn't seem... And also a name is... It's not just a human name but it's quite a formal...

I think he sounds... J. Frank Skinner sounds like a circus owner. Yeah. I would say, definitely. But you couldn't have an elk owning a circus. It wouldn't make any sense. No. I suppose if a human being can be called Elkie Brooks... Exactly.

They're allowed some payback. It makes less sense that he has a name. All in all, quite a confusing... Can you imagine that in the Yukon? This Brook's a bit elky. Did you leave the gate open again? Oh. So, um...

Moving on to email two. Dear Frank... I really want to look up now, Jay Frank Skinner, but obviously I might see some terrible reviews. Oh, yeah. So I can't. Or some praise that, you know, you don't want to be distracted by either. I don't want to see that either.

But I would like to. I can't get to the bottom of this tall elk with a human name. There's too many new concepts to take on board. Something wrong. I can't cope. There's something wrong here and there. I'm not happy with it. Maybe if you did a very specific Google search. No. Jay Frank Skinner's tallest wrong there. I'm not happy with it. Maybe if you did a very specific Google search.

No. It just doesn't lock together. Who's this strange character down the pit? I don't know. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. Oh, sorry. I've just realised he's described it. He says, your live music section of the show,

as opposed to live. Your life music section of the show, as opposed to live. Your life music section of the show reminded me of the song I like to sing to every time I go into a car after my wife has used it. I'll tell you what he means. He means songs that you sing in your life. Oh, OK. Every time I take money out of the cash point, I sing Brass in Pocket. I thought he was saying live and had spelt it along in a Scandinavian type way. It did come up again a few weeks ago because of how much is that doggy in the window.

You're correct. Cracked. Cracked. My wife is somewhat shorter than I am, whereas I am far more Cochrane-esque in stature. This means that not only do I crack my knees on the wheel as I squeeze in, but for some reason the sun visor is always left out at a 45 degree angle for me to hit my knees on the wheel as I squeeze in, but for some reason the sun visor is always left out at a 45-degree angle for me to hit my head on. I bet there's a mirror involved in the sun visor.

Dare I say, it's almost as if she does it on purpose. This leads me to sing to the tune of Boogie Nights, Booby Trap, Regards 716. P.S. if Emily ever fancies a game of chess. Yes, of course. Of course. There used to be a footballer called Pap chess. Of course, yes, of course. Of course. There used to be a footballer called Papin. Do you remember him, Alan?

And I used to watch, if ever I watched football with him, when I lived with David Baddiel, we'd watch it and every time the commentators said Papin, I would stand up, look through the window and say, that'll be my car. But I couldn't not do it.

It's like something terrible would happen to me. See, I love this Boogie Nights guy because in this one email, this man has touched on two things that I've got failed stand-up about, which is getting into the car when a small person, and it just got nothing. It's obviously too niche.

He is my target audience. And also chess. Email him. I've occasionally tried chess-based humour on the comedy circuit. That sounds good. Epic fail, let's just say. Well, maybe you should run it by us so we can workshop it. Yeah, let's do it.

I'm off. I always think with the sun vise, if I pull the sun vise down in a car, I feel I've failed. Really? Yeah. You'd prefer to squint, wouldn't you? I'm brazen it out to the point where I'm getting a blinding headache and I can only see red for the bottom 40% of my vision.

No. But no, I just think, oh, no, it's like only losers pull the sun visor down. If I'm driving and a passenger pulls it down, I get insulted. I think it's rude. The sun visor? Yeah. Oh, right, yes. I thought Andrew would cut me in the ear absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio

we're still in email corner are we yeah well in that case i shall uh i shall read aloud another email reading aloud I love that. Good morning, Frank, Alan and Emily. I'm another of your Australian podcast listeners. All over the world. The world tour is expanding with every email. And the reason I write is to let you know about a new TV show being advertised here in Oz. In keeping with the theme of shows which are only commissioned because of their punning title, It's called Kitchen Cabinet and involves past and present cabinet ministers

being interviewed in their kitchen while they cook their signature dish. The title definitely came before the concept, I think. Definitely. Oh, brilliant to have seen it through to that extent. Yeah, all the best, John, in Adelaide. Do they say during Kitchen Cabinet, oh, in my living room?

No, we don't want to see you in there. Just in the kitchen, mate. I'll tell you what, if we do a version of it, you've got to think that Nigel Lawson, that's probably good, wouldn't he? What, because of Nigella? Yeah, he must have picked up the odd tip where she's going, hey, Dad, when you...

I've just had an idiotic eureka moment. Go on. It's the first time I've realised that he called her Nigella because he's called Nigel. Oh dear. Oh God. I'm so late. Oh dear.

I'm sorry everyone. I can't even describe that as late. That's insane. Do you want us to pause the show for a minute? That's terrible.

Just have a think about it. I think you should do a series of shows. They all have to be furniture. Yes. So you could have one in which Saeed Jafri talked about

how he'd lost all interest in life it could be called a sideboard I love the idea of pitching Saeed Jafri losing interest in life and what about a dating agency in Bedfordshire single beds there you go

there's the texting shows based on furniture and what they would be by the way can i thank um a guy called emeline from san diego who do you remember i was bemoaning the fact or emeline emeline i've never seen it spelled like this before emeline hughes i know it's a person i don't care about their gender they're're all human beings, you know. Oh, but if it was a lady and you said a guy... Well, you know, you can use the term guy generically. OK. Anyway...

Like you guys and dolls. Remember... Yeah. Yeah. I remember... Don't. Oh, the strain of it. The strain of it.

You don't know what I'm going through. I do know what you're going through. Okay. Anyway, do you remember I was moaning about the fact that I'd got my agent to phone up and sort of begging... Manager. A begging on my manager to beg the Doctor Who people to let me have a tiny, tiny part in Doctor Who.

Yeah. And nothing happened. Well, Emily made a little video with me as the voice. Nothing happened. Well, Emmeline made a little video with me as the voice of the monster. Oh, excellent. It was brilliant. It was circa David Tennant. But it was I Shall Keep It Forever.

So thank you, Emmeline, in San Diego. Oh, San Diego. Say, Emmeline, what are you? Male or female? Oh, it's. Say, Emmeline, what are you? Male or female? Oh, it's old blind Pete. Always sits on that chair day in, day out. Some, some, some, why don't you tell him his dog's dead? Um, anyway.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Right I'm going to have to do my top of the hour thingy Frank Skinner, Emily Dean, Alan Cochran 8.12.15 Frank on Absolute That was worth it wasn't it

I think they got the gist Going through the motions. It didn't even say text in on 8-12-15, just some numbers. People might be thinking they're listening in code. Well, people have been texting in on 8-12-15. They sure have. They have. We've had a text in.

You know, you were talking earlier, Frank, about it was programmes. There was an Australian show called Kitchen Cabinet, and it's members of the cabinet in their kitchen, and we talked about what other items of furniture might constitute an idea for a TV show. And we've had 546, Otter Man, a child brought up by otters grows up with special otter powers. Oh, that's excellent.

Otterman as well, what a great choice of furniture. And Julian in Hauling, an art show in the county town of Cheshire, Chester Draws. Like that. Yeah. I've only just got the draws bit, but very good. Very fine. We've also had 084 Cesspit, Brad talking dirty.

But I'm not sure that Cesspit is an actual piece of furniture. I don't think it's furniture, no. Maybe in his house. I bet it's not indoors, though. No. It would be a very good thing, though. Cesspit. There must be someone called Cess, is there, who's famous.

Cess Fabregas. Yeah, Cess Fabregas. That would be a called Cess that is famous. Cess Fabregas. Yeah, Cess Fabregas. That would be a good autobiography title for him. Explores coal mining. Yeah. Okay, so what else? I'll tell you what else. I was told off this week, Frank.

Who would dare? But before I was told off, I also did some telling off. So I think it was kind of karmic retribution This part of the story I find more believable Do you want to hear about me telling someone off first? I think you might prefer that You choose Well, I was on my way to an 8am hair appointment

Sometimes they open the salon for me early Do they? Is that a fact? Oh wow Oh that's a fact Like when Alan Partridge goes around Dixon's when it's closed. How dare you? I was in a comic shop, yes,

Orbital Comics in the centre of London. I was in there at 10 o'clock, doesn't open until 10.30. And it is like a child's dream. There's no one else. It's lovely. Really? They let you in? I was being interviewed in there.

Oh, right. For a job. I'm not just giving and working at a comic shop. My other friends were black T-shirts. No, I was being interviewed about The Dandy. Oh, that's nice, darling. Yeah. But it was great.

Being in an empty comic shop is just fantastic. It really was, ooh. nice, darling. Yeah, but it was great. Being in an empty comic shop is just fantastic. It really was, ooh, just ooh. Nerd paradise. I could smell it. Anyway, carry on. Anyway, so I'm walking through London's Great Portland Street. Oh, yes. Very much your manor.

Where my child was born. Yes. I get my hair done there. You bring life into the world. There you go. Nice. Well, I'm sure you get life brought into your hair

I do oh I do do you use an antifreeze I do I do sometimes yeah I'm fascinated by the old antifreeze concept

oh well but in order to be used you have to accept your freeziness which I think a lot of people are finding hard to come to terms with Alan and I thought I had product on his hair this morning, though he assured

me it was just to do with his hat. Yeah. Oh, and filth, probably. I've just not washed it yet. I know, I'm trying to. Meanwhile, back to the story. So I'm going over the zebra crossing. I hear a sound which sounded like

gravel being raked. It was so loud. Oh. I thought, what's that? It was a man. He was releasing saliva. Was it someone arriving at the Great Gatsby's house party? Oh, not a spitter. Or not a first thing in the morning as well when you start to lose a bit.

It was huge. It was huge. Oh, no. Did you feel something heavy at the back of your coat? Well, there was a bit it was huge it was huge oh no did you feel some heavy at the back of your coat well there was a bit of top spin on it so it came please very near my muumuu bag oh no no i was curious acceptable i went oh repulsive i couldn't help i did you know what i get like did you say filthy creep no i didn. The one opportunity I had to use my catchphrase. I just said, oh, repulsive. And he turned back to me.

He went, it only hit pavement. I didn't like hit pavement. Like he was professional. Yeah, also, like he wasn't very good on grammar. I didn't like that. So I could see, he sort of apologised. And then he realised, I gave him one on my stern and looked after I said repulsive

sorry love, sorry love we all make mistakes but I felt that was unacceptable then I was told off that very night when I was having dinner with my parents and some friends of theirs, they're a bit older and I was telling an anecdote which involved

some use of category c swear words right and the guy who was a bit older turned around he said honestly where was your daughter brought up she's got a mouth like a sewer that reminds me of a very fabulous documentary about what was the name of that woman who won big brother kate oh kate lawler kate lawler yeah and there was a very she had a very sort of uh her father i found extremely amusing in the documentary and i remember she got back she'd just come back from big brother it was like exciting, she'd come back to the house. And the mother and the granny was in the room waiting to meet her. And he stopped, he was driving about, he was that kind of dad who drove her everywhere. And he got in and he stopped her before she went in the

kitchen. And first thing he said, first thing, go in there and apologize to your mother and your grandmother for your language but i'm big brother i did enjoy that we have to play some music i know but can i tell you quickly three four nine conservative politicians climbing a volcano lavatory lavatory david from orpington is that furniture well we're into the whole what constitutes furniture debate actually that'd be a good texting what constitutes furniture stick around frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. But you were told off. Oh, yeah, so I was being told off.

And it was just, it seemed, it's very odd being told off as an adult. Yeah. Which is why I suddenly felt sympathy. Isn't it, don't you think? Mm-hm. It's not something that happens to me very often, if I'm honest. Well, it doesn't happen to me. I mean, obviously, I rarely get told off because I'm a borderline national treasure.

But I was told off twice this week by the same person. Oh, no. Who? Kath. No, I don't even count Kath telling me off. That's too commonplace. Kath, who says things to me like, oh, it's all right for you gallivanting off to work.

Gallivanting about. Very good use of gallivanting. You can't gallivant to work. I can. Go on then. So I did a show with Janet Street Porter this week. Oh, lovely. She told me off twice.

I mean, in a quite full on... Did she? Yeah. One, because I called Loose Women a dazzling display of uninformed opinions. And she pointed out that she was a former newspaper editor and was very informed. And I said, you know, you don't really count. You're on there.

You're the black sheep of the family. A well-handled flank. Yeah, but she got quite aggressive. And then I also suggested that she was responsible for Topless Darts. Do you remember that program? Yeah, she was on them. Now, she ran a channel called Live TV. Yeah.

But she said she'd left by the time they put on Topless Darts. What about the news bunny? He used to cry when atrocities happened. But she did, she got quite, oh, she properly told me off. There's no getting round here. I don't like it. I think what was interesting, we showed a clip from Topless Dots, which was topless women playing darts.

And there was a time, not that long ago, maybe three years ago, I watched that and thought, oh, lovely. And I just felt terribly embarrassed by the whole thing. I'm starting to think that I've had... You know, George Melly said that he realised... George Melly, the jazz singer, writer, said that he suddenly realised his libido had gone and he said he felt like he'd managed to get off a runaway horse. So I'm wondering now if that's it for me. That's how I'm testing it with a reaction to Topless Docks. I just wanted to run on set and put a coat round them, you know, that kind of thing.

Yes, I know what you mean. And I also heard myself saying something my mother used to say around them. You know, that kind of thing. Yes, I know what you mean. And I also heard myself saying something my mother used to say, that they'd be better off saying their prayers. You never muttered that. I did, as you were playing the clip. That's funny. So, yeah, it's... So she properly told me off, Janet,

but I suppose that's what she's famous for, is being a bit spiky. Well, William, we got a telling off. Before we surrendered the allotment, gave it up, we got a little letter through the door saying, you've not really tended your allotment enough. You know, you get a little telling off. Really?

Yeah. I wouldn't have known what to have made of that statement, to be honest. No, mind your own business. That's what I say. And I occasionally want to give a telling off. I sometimes tell people off in the... You strike me as a teller offer. In the Quiet Coach, if someone's on their phone,

I've occasionally gone over. One woman got very irate. Oh, I'm sorry, I feel a bit sick at the thought of you doing this. Yeah, yeah. What do you do? She got really irate. I think it's partly that thing of, if you're an adult and you get told off,

you're not used to it and you lash out a bit because you're embarrassed. And she went, oh, get a life! And I went, I've got a life, but I've also got manners. Oh! Squashed her! You won't be able to tell people off with that kind of authority now you've started wearing skinny jeans.

It's like being told off by one of the Ramones. Or Russell Kane, they won't listen to you. Yeah, if you do it as Russell Kane, you'll have to hold your back leg up. Say back leg. I have an image of Russell as a centaur. Yeah, I see what you mean.

I know what you mean. He's still on the runaway horse. I do think it's something to do with that back leg. I think he is the runaway horse. Russell Kane is my libido. it's as simple as that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I've got two words to say to you guys. What?

Pilo Bella Clava. Discuss. No, not my particular fantasy. Oh, really? There's an invention Some bloke has come up with an invention Called the ostrich pillow And it basically looks like

Like an Iron Man's You know like those old deep sea diver Helmet things It looks like a blue bottle head It looks like that But it's actually a pillow In a sort of pull overover-the-head type garment. It must be true. It was in the Daily Mail.

Well, not only was it in the Daily Mail, but I tried one on this week. You did not. No way. I did. Shut up. I did. Shut up.

I had two, but there was no hole for the mouth. What happened? It's quite snug, but I've got, as you know, I've got quite a big head. It's a sort of tracksuit fabric, isn't it? Is it?

No, I tell you what it is. To my surprise, I thought it was going to be foam, but it had a bit of beanbag about it. Oh, really? Yeah.

Does that make it slightly heavier, though, for the traveller? It is. It's a bit heavier, but you know, the whole idea is that you know if you're on a train and you think i feel tired and you lean your head against the

window saying it's that hard yeah hard surface it's it's to avoid all that so you know and to avoid anyone ever wanting to take you out on a date presumably as well because it's the most loathsome well it's sartorial item i've ever seen. It's got holes in the side so you can put your hand, you know when you put your hands behind the back of your head and lean back so you can do that. Oh, so that's attractive. And also you can just sleep face down

on the table. And it's nice and soft. I like the idea. I would like one. But you know I'm phobic about sleeping in public places. No. In front of other people. That's probably not a bad phobia to have.

I remember being on the train with Daisy, our producer. Beautiful girl. Everything to live for. Suddenly, in the middle of a conversation. Oh, a lovely summary, that one. She says, oh, I'm just going to go to sleep now. Puts her head on the table, her arms all splayed out. I was so sickened.

We used to do that at school. We used to say, like, at 2.30 in the afternoon, they'd say, like, sleep time now, and we'd just put our heads on the desk. Animals! Yeah, and I can remember, I used to go to sleep. It was probably, like, 15 minutes, just to go to sleep time, best go to sleep.

So, you know, just sleep. Life was so simple then. You just did as you were told. Yeah. That's how fascism rose. Of course, when you drew back, you had, like, the graffiti of the last 30 years. I think it's like going to the bathroom in public. It's up there with that, as far as I'm concerned.

Sleeping in public. I think it's disgusting. I haven't really done it since I stopped drinking, when I used to do it quite a lot. I lost all sense of what was public and what was private. Yeah, that could happen. The line blurs. But I tell you what, speaking of my drinking days, I could have done with the old ostrich pillow then.

Yeah. As if I wasn't ostracised enough, eh? You must have done this thing, Alan, when you get a bit drunk. You attend the urinal and you just lean your head against the wall. Yeah, I've done that. It's not a proud moment. What do you mean? For support.

Oh, God. So you sort of lean your head on the wall and then you've got, you know, you've got what they call, I believe, in the phone world, the hands-free. Yes. And this hat is perfect for that. It's a... That would be a lovely sight. You need to wear it the whole night, but come about nine o'clock when it starts to really seep in, you know, the drink, then you can put that on.

Also, if you fall over on the way home, no head down. The big problem with this is that it's dark in there so you would literally be blind drunk. That's a problem with wearing the hat from 9pm onwards. But you can see out of it. Oh, can you? There's an eye hole.

Yeah, there's an eye and nose. There's like a hole at the front and two holes at the side. Like with flies, with that gauze thing. Hence the balaclava title. Why would there be an eye hole, though? Because so you can see. But you don't want to see.

Look, you're meant to be going to sleep. Oh, you could pull it down, I suppose, for sleeping purposes. All I would say, it's sans eye holes, all I would say is couldn't they have gone for a slightly more affluent fabric? It's disgusting. What about leather? That would be nice. Or silk.

Kinky. Leather? Lovely. I couldn't help thinking when I tried it on that Brian May had looked at it and said, what do they mean it's difficult to sleep on a hard surface? What are you talking about? I'd like one. Brian May.

If they can condense it so that you could travel with it and have it small in a suitcase or a bag, I'd be in for one of those. I think he just puts a hat on. No, I'm talking about Brian May. Oh. I mean, his pillow thing. What about May Day?

You know May Day, which is a particularly windy day in May. Oh, is that his autobiography? No, it's that day when all the spores blow off Brian May and land in people's gardens. Yeah. And then a couple of months later you get flamboyant guitarists growing in the cracks between your garden slabs. You're not aware of that phenomenon?

No, I suppose I've heard of it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, I hate Queen. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some texts in on 8.12.15 regarding furniture programmes. Ah, yes. The pun. Dear Frank, Emily've had some texts in on 8.12.15 regarding furniture programmes.

Ah, yes. The pun. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, Welsh dresser, a programme in which Tom Jones adopts a Got Kwan-esque role and comes to the aid of people with wardrobe insufficiencies. Can you imagine what that would be like? The first episode being Tom Jones himself. He's too big, though. He's too big for clothes. He's one of those people.

Oh, really? They're struggling to get... Yes, I would agree with that. That's from Sid on the Isle of Wight. He does. Some people look... And they're not necessarily the massively biggest people, but some people just look like they shouldn't be clothed at all.

He should be allowed to roam free. I think you're right. Well, you know, I have a theory that he is really a bear. Is that a euphemism? Is that code? No, not one of those bears. He's a real bear. I mean, like a real bear.

My theory was, which I think I have mentioned on the show before, is that, you know when he says, think about a dance now? Yes. It looks to me like someone has sedated a bear and then put it in human clothes. And then the dance looks like the bear and then put it in human clothes. And then it's the dance. Looks like the bear trying to get out of that outfit. Frank, we've also...

Someone's tweeted us. Someone called Twemlo says, Ottoman Empire. Emily goes around the world collecting Ottomans and in the last programme piles them up and burns them, which I think is rather marvellous. Fabulous, multi-pun.

But I dislike the idea because we have an Ottoman and it was rather expensive. Don't want it burned. I can't now remember exactly what... Is it like a small wardrobe? It's like a footstool. Like a love seat. It's a footstool. I call it a love seat.

Well it's a different thing, a footstool than a love seat. Not in my house. What would you call a poof? We're now going to get about 400 texts saying, an ottoman's not a footstool, it's this. You know, when you get to... I would describe an ottoman as a sort of chaise longue. Could one of these shows be four poofs and a piano?

It just is furniture. Oh, no, Alan, you're right. An ottoman is a poof. Yes, it is. Anyway. I like the surprise in, oh, no, Alan, you're right. And you were discussing about how you'd like the balaclava pillow for leaning against the urinal.

We've had a text in from someone. Let me just find it. Oh, it's moved. I love these bits. Frank, read the head against the wall on the urinal. Do you ever do the Hitler where one hand is raised to the wall for extra support? Oh yes, I have done that

in the past. Yeah, back in the day. Didn't David Cameron have a cake that was based on Hitler and the urinal? Chinese whispers. That one didn't get out. I think that photo didn't make it. Absolute

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. To take us back to Email Corner, if that's okay with you. Oh, I can't reach the jingle. Oh, that's okay. Email corner. You went a bit more old-jeered then.

It's all right. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I work for an architecture practice in Fulham. Oh. Right up my strata. And a few of us here listen to your podcast every week. We couldn't help but notice when you were discussing your favourite bonds last week, you missed out a hotly debated topic in our office, the best bond theme tunes.

I'm a live and let die fan personally. Can you please help us settle this argument? Ben in Fulham. P.S. Whilst I've recently moved in with my girlfriend, I do feel that my chances of getting this message read out are deeply reduced if I do not attempt some form of knight's move. As such, if the lovely Emily ever fancies a night out in West London, tell her to get in touch and we'll take her out to Bunga Bunga. Google it. I think if you Google Bunga Bunga, you'll get Silvio Bertscali. He's disappeared quick.

which he's he's disappeared quick um well i would go personally um it doesn't have any words though mine is uh on her majesty's secret service oh classic you've seen that all the time frank yes i love it so much but um as part of my new whistling diet you you know, I'm bringing out the whistling diet book. 12 calories. Right there. Right there. Wow, that's good, isn't it? You see, Live and Let Die, I like it,

but I could do without the Caribbean theme bar bit in the middle. I don't like that. What was it? Oh, makes me feel ill. I don't mind that. I'm a bit of a nobody does it better fan. Yeah, that is good. Yeah, Carly Simon, that's one of my favourites, Frank. I also like...

Spy Who Loved Me, that is, isn't it? Man With A Golden Gun, I love. Lulu. Oh, is that Lulu? He's got a powerful weapon that charges a million a shot. I won't keep going. Where does the cockerel stand on this?

I'm with the chap that's emailed in. I like Live and Let Die. It's got a bitterness that you want. I'm not saying I don't like it. We're talking about our favourite. Yeah, well, all right. That's my favourite. You know when the big spaceship eats the little spaceship? That's Pac-Man. What's the matter? Is type. You know when the big spaceship eats the little spaceship?

That's Pac-Man. What's the matter? Is it Moonraker where the big spaceship eats the little spaceship? Oh, yeah, yeah, I know that. The music that's playing when that's happening is absolutely fabulous. Which one did A-Ha do? I never trusted Morton Market. Oh, the Living Daylights.

Living Daylights. Never trusted Morton Market. Too thin-lipped. I was phoned by Lulu once. What is that? Too thin-lipped. I was phoned by Lulu once. Because I went to an audience with Lulu, and I dressed up as Lulu in the 60s. I mean, I was asked to. Oh, I see, yeah.

And I went on stage as her in the 60s. And she laughed. And then she phoned me up, Lulu, to thank me for being Lulu, for being her younger self. And the phone went, she said, is that Frank? And I said, yes. She said, oh, it's Lulu. And I said, all right, Lulu.

How lovely of you to call. She said, Frank, thank you so much. I just wanted to say, so kind of you to to to perform as me at my i mean it was so and then i heard in the background and she went and she and she went i'm on the phone the most sort of aggressive glasgow knock your head off your shoulders was there sorry frank i was just saying. It was lovely. I felt for a second I had a glimpse of the real Lulu. How many of us can say that?

I think seven was what the research showed on it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Well, who are you, you're asking? Well, I'm Frank Skinner and this is my team, who I call... Get our names! Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. He's so forgot our names. I didn't forget your names, I just forgot some words. Zoo Radio, here's my posse, guys.

Some basic words is what I forgot. It's been a very stressful day. I've got wacky Alan. Why is it stressful? It's stressful because there's an elephant in the room, which means that us three, we've had to squeeze in. I think we're all looking well. I don't think that's fair.

No. Let's get off the subject that we're not on, thank God. OK. Is Frank turning into Mark Kermode? Not my words, but the words of 534, who also goes on to say, with his love of On Her Majesty's Secret Service and talk of Brechtian alienation devices,

both of which are oft spoken of by Kermode, is a quiff in order. Over to you, Frank mean i'm i'm not a bit a particular fan of that movie i just love that tune i don't know i don't know which part mark commode likes um uh yeah did i mention brechtian alienation devices a week or two ago okay well good good on him for paying attention though yeah i am i must must admit, it is something that haunts my... You know, if you wake up in the middle of the night, one of my things is, am I turning into Mark Kermode?

Yeah, yeah. Like, am I turning into DeLoglio is one of mine. Is it? Or is it, have I left a mark on the commode? It's one of those two. Very good furniture pun, Frank. Yeah, that would be a Mark Commode pun coming now. There must be a programme you could have.

Mark Commode is a horrible programme. It's a horrible, horrible programme, Alan. I want no part of it. Commode Mark it could be. If it was done like a page, the opening titles was like closing in on a phone book and it said commode mark. And then it could go from there. It could be some antiques experts saying, well, the trouble is with this commode,

that mark probably takes about ten grand off it. Oh, I can't wait to watch that. Yeah. There was a very good, there was a text I liked about another name for a spit as well. Oh, yeah. I liked it. Why do you find that? It was called a docker's omelette or something.

Oh, yeah, a docker's omelette. It slightly turns my stomach, but it is a good description. It is a fine description. Where? Frank, can I just... Mike has said to us on Twitter, replace the word skyfall with trifle and the bond theme makes sense trifle oh is it an adele yeah yeah it's about

oh is it about that i don't know because aren't the lyrics the lyrics are there's that jelly stuff on the bottom with like sponge in it and then there's custard then there's that white stuff that's a bit like custard he always sings like Elvis Costello when he wants stars in their eyes but it's even sweeter than custard

see what I mean I can't hear it I'm a trifle deaf it didn't win stars in their eyes thank you Frank where did you come in Stars in the Rye? You did well, though. I was beaten by Boy George. I was beaten by Boy George.

I was working as an escort at the time. You'd think it would have made the papers, wouldn't you? Yeah, exactly. No. Somebody clamped his escort. somebody clamped his escort I was beaten by Boy George and someone from

who was playing Boy George then remember Boggs that programme B-E-G-S I was beaten by someone from that not quite as children it was a children's programme that wasn't quite was it Boggs or was it an adult programme anyway you got the last laugh yeah you did.

I don't know. I might find out that he went on to become Daniel Craig. Well, it's funny you should mention Daniel Craig. Well, not that funny. He's not only James Bond, so he's on topic, but apparently he's admitted this week that when he filmed that segment with

Her Majesty the Queen for the Olympic opening ceremony. He was on Her Majesty's Secret Service. Everyone was very excited by it, weren't they? Apparently he's admitted that he was in a bit of a grump because it was actually his day off. And then he said, the next thing, I was in the palace filming. His day off? He didn't... He's die-off.

He wasn't happy about it. Where does he work? He's not a film star anymore. He works as James Bond. He said, we had a short space of time and I was a bit grumpy. Oh, he's turned into David Baddiel. I was a bit grumpy as it was my day off. He didn't like it.

Suddenly I'm at the palace with the Queen. Which I suppose, if you're in a bit ofumpy as it was my day off. He didn't like it. Suddenly I'm at the palace with the queen, which I suppose, if you're in a bit of a huff, the queen is probably the worst person to be around because she's got a life that should make her relentlessly cheery, shouldn't it? Yeah, she doesn't look relentlessly cheery. No, but she ought to be. I think she's as menaced by death as any old person.

Maybe she said to him, one is also in a huff sometimes. I find a grumpy sort of demeanour doesn't sit well with a blonde. Really? Yes, I think, I'm afraid you need to be a bit light and sunny. It's for us dark, mysterious types. We can be as moody as we like. And he is very grumpy, Frank, as I'm sure your cleaner has told you. Well, no, I don't see

my ex-cleaner anymore. He's never been happy since he stole my cleaner. I think he's eating away at him. Is he really grumpy? Have you not? Do you know him? Have you met him? Briefly, yeah. Hold on. We'll have music and come back to this.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We'll have music and come back to this. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Craigie was talking about... Oh, he was talking about Craigie, yeah. Daniel. So, yeah, he struck me...

I've sat near him at a dinner. I've practically... Yeah, very near him, actually. Is he very handsome? Oh, the eyes on the man. The eyes on the man. The eyes on the man. Good eyes, yeah. But there is something, he's got a sad face.

There's something sad about him. Air of sadness. Yeah, definitely air of sadness, Frank. Him and Bobby Charlton always have that. Bobby Charlton always looks like. He looks like. All right, Bobby, come here, let's give you a hug. He's being forced to wear those trunks and parade around,

and I don't think he enjoys it speaking of the trunks thing i read a quote from barbara broccoli oh yeah this week she was talking about the opening ceremony thing she said i think daniel because obviously there's bond stuff everywhere at the moment she says i think daniel should have been in the olympics she said his body is uh you know and the way he works that's amazing she said She said, and this is an actual quote from Barbara Broccoli, you should see him in a swimsuit. I thought, do you not watch the films, Bob? What do you mean you should see him in a swimsuit?

She's like Woody Allen, she makes them all and then will refuse to look at them. But she can't have not heard of that, even if she hadn't seen it. It's kind of a prerequisite, isn't it, if you're going to play bond you have to get your tidy whiteys on that's what's putting the brakes on it for me i wouldn't know she's just a vegetable cubby broccoli barbara broccoli i did understand it oh did you yeah i uh i admire him in a way because I think it's alright to have like a nice life

and be in films and still be in a huff every now and again yeah see I'm not I'm not totally isn't that just his look has he got one of those faces he admitted it and I felt like a kindred spirit of his

because I was away this week in a nice hotel, clicked on the old, you know, some hotels have got a button where you can press for do not disturb rather than the old hang it on the door. Pressed do not disturb, went down to do the gig, came back up, someone had been in, tidied my room and put a chocolate on each pillow. And wasn't that just the butler? I was incandescent with rage. Incandescent? I was annoyed by that, because I thought, well, hang on, this is my space now. I've chucked my smalls around and I've got stuff scattered about.

I don't want people... Carry on, I'll be fine. It was the baggy ones. I wasn't doing sport. It was the boxer shorts. But really, when I... Docker's omelette. When I stepped back to think about it, I thought, hang on, I'm angry because somebody has come in and tidied my room and put a chocolate on the pillow. Yes.

This shouldn't be putting me in a bad mood. That's very diamond shoes are too tight. Exactly. First world problems hashtag. It's a classic first world problems hashtag it's a classic first of this news just in i'm calling it breaking news from tanya snugs our very own snuggsy yeah re daniel craig i've interviewed him twice and he was lovely exclamation mark uppercase lovely okay all right okay yeah but it's tiny just reducing him to some sort of sex object? Piece of meat.

Well, I don't think my cleaner would hang around if he was a beast. No. And also... There'd be no precedent for that. No. And also, I did warm to him a bit having seen Cowboys and Aliens, which I thought was a rather fine film. Oh, is it good?

Yeah. So, you know... Have we got time to return to Email Corner briefly? I found some hair in a cup this week. That made me very grumpy indeed. Oh, one of Kath's. Yeah, Kath's. Not one.

A fistful of... Oh, I loved that Clint Eastwood film. Oh, what, a fistful of hair? A fistful of hair in a cup. A fistful of hair. It was the German... They called them sausage westerns there were a lot of them in i had a weird german based dream the other night oh anyway oh i want to hear about that i must move on okay This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, did you read about these two, I'm going to call them no savouries, they're that type.

No savouries? No savouries, as in, they eat everything in sight. They were actually banned from an all-you-can-eat buffet at a restaurant. George Dalman and Andy Miles, extraordinary-looking characters. I worry they look like what me and Alan would look like if we ate too much. Would you think? No, I think they look like, you know the sort of, the two kind of thuggish schoolboys that hang around with Draco Malfoy on the Harry Potter film?

They look like them, but grown up. Oh. And they've been banned from a buffet. I have to say, I'm totally with these guys. Are you? Well, shall we explain the story? So basically, the manager said, they said every week, I think they use the word basically,

which I always like in an official statement. Yeah. Basically, they just come in and pig out. And... They did call them pigs. The restaurant is in Brighton. It's called the Gobi Restaurant in Brighton. So they were just ordering the minimum. They were having a glass of tap water

and going up repeatedly. No, but they were going to the eat all you can. All you can eat, yeah. The all you can eat buffet, and they ate all they could eat. What have they done wrong? Yeah, it wasn't called all you can eat brackets within reason, close brackets. No, reason done wrong? Yeah, it wasn't called all-you-can-eat brackets within reason,

close brackets. No, reason is, to me, it's a challenge. Yeah. It's not all you want to, it's all you can eat. It's saying, if you leave here and you haven't got a PB, first or best. It's been a bad day for you. So I think it's encouraging, though,

a sort of Guinness Book of Records approach to dining. I think they're champions of freedom. They are the Rosa Parks for the 21st century. Yeah. They are. For the diabetes community. In fact, Britain. Not for the fashion community.

In fact, Britain, they're representing us. They're not going to attract the OMG brigade with decorations like that. Well, they wouldn't wave the flag because it would burn too many calories. I honestly think they've been very hard done to. Do you, Frank? I do, yeah. All you can eat.

The owner said they're in such a hurry to beat everyone to the food, they spoil everything. Yeah, I don't know how that... What does that mean? That they're just... Their atmosphere. Yeah, I think they do. I think they set up an air of enthusiasm at the all you can eat, which is probably infectious. Well, they're certainly jolly. They look jolly in the picture.

They do look jolly, which is what you want. In the same way that you want blondes to be cheery. Curvy people to be jolly. I think they should go to the European Court of Human Rights. Obviously, they'll have to establish that they're human. I think they should. I honestly think these guys are freedom fighters for

obese Britain. They are. They've been wrong. They haven't done anything wrong. They've followed the letter of the law. It's just terrible. I feel now with my little plump up belly I can identify with these guys. Do you think this could go all the way to court?

I think that, honestly, I'm serious. There's quite a few rotund members of Parliament. They could get behind this as well. Yeah, but he shouldn't have called them pigs. He said you're a couple of pigs. No, that's not... I think he's got mixed up with human beings and pigs. That's what's happened there. I think he's got mixed up with human beings and pinks.

That's what's happened there. I think he's... I liked... When I saw this story... It's a species-based error. I like the dating mail comments at the end of this story. I always love them. Someone had written, Management reserve the right to refuse admission. It was their comment on that story. But I've noticed... I've been doing Room 101 of late. You know, I do have all the work.

I hate to own up to that. But I've noticed there's been a lot of toupee tape going on my necktie. Oh, you're joking. Toupee tape, yeah. And what it is, is that my tie... Is it chest level? It started to sit on the natural ledge formed by my pot belly,

like a gull on a cliffside. And it just nestles there. Or sometimes it'll give up on the belly altogether and veer off either to the left or the right. So they stick it on? So they stick it so it goes straight down, yeah. Oh, I thought you meant it was coming off people's toupees. No.

I wanted to know what you've been up to. Yeah, so they stick it so that it doesn't slide off my belly. Oh, yes, because we call that something else in the fashion industry. What do you call that? Well, I can't say, but it begins with T. On air. No, don't say. No, I won't say.

Of course I won't. I'm professional. Of course. Very good. I know that. Very, very good. There's a lot I don't say. I won't say. Of course I won't. I'm professional. Of course. Very good. I know that. Very, very good. There's a lot I won't say. So I can identify

with these two characters is what I'm getting at. Yes, the characters. I like it when you go Shaw Taylor, Frank. These characters. These two clowns. Yeah, if it goes to court,

I'm happy to step up to the plate as a character witness. Step up to the plate. Yeah. Step up to the plate? Yeah, step up to the plate. Very good. Obviously, I'll be able to get anywhere near it. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Can we return briefly to email corner?

Can I... I've got... This is common. I got a car in this morning, and whenever I'm in a car with a drive, like a cab or whatever, a mini cab, I always need to establish at what stage they're at in their shift. Is that just me? Yeah, no, I do that as well.

I always say, so how long have you been? Are you near the end? Is this your first job or is it your last? But you see, i do that as well i always say so early are you near the end is this it's your first job or is it your last but you see i do that frank and it sounds like i'm shashing them up if it's end of the night i go am i your last job then yeah but why do i it's not my business whether it is i don't know what it is i need to know where i am on the scale of activity i sometimes ask them if they seem to be driving in a particularly sleepy way like every now and again if i'm in the back i'll just catch their eye in the rear view mirror and if they seem to be driving in a particularly sleepy way. Like every now and again, if I'm in the back, I'll just catch their eye in the rearview mirror. And if they're closing their eyes for a bit too long, then I'll say, been on for long.

Hello. The thing to do, I've found, is to sit very, very gently and then go, you awake? LAUGHTER Email corner Tra-la-la-la-la-la Went into sort of harmony at the end. Nice. Never a bad thing. Well, if it's harmonic, yeah. Meaning?

No. Come on! I can't read an email, one of you! I'll read you an email. Honestly. Hi, Frank Allen and the Divine Miss Emily. I'm defined as a bookworm. Doesn't say who by.

And I have a specific set of rules and I would like to know if any of you three do anything similar. One, I can only ever read one book at a time to avoid confusion. Definitely not. Definitely not. And we've talked about that before. I like a fiction and a non-fiction. You like a non-fiction in the toilet, is that correct?

Yeah. Let's face it, it's a place for truth. And I'll throw in, bank holidays, I'll throw in a pop-up. Not in the toilet, I mean as a book. Two, I have to read a full chapter. Now he goes to caps lock. Never, ever stop reading halfway through. I already

disagree with that. What about when you're sleeping? I agree with that. Always make it to the end of the chapter. I fall asleep in the middle of the page all the time. No, but what I do is I just make it to the end of the chapter but I keep going. I read till I bleed. I can't, I really want to get every last bit out. So I find myself...

Do you do the little triangle, Frank, at the top of the page to mark your place? I do that. What, drawing? No, I don't draw on my books. I'm not five. I fold over the little triangles and mark my place. Bending the pages is better than drawing on them. Yes!

No, I don't do that. I don't violate books. What do you think this is, National Socialist Germany? It's not a violation. Don't let that cake fool you. We're still living in the United Kingdom. Go on then, what's the next point? Three, I have to understand what I'm reading

or I will read it again from where I started to misunderstand. That's a very good... It's a good rule. I'll do a whole book and not understand a damn word of it. Four, finally, I have to use my special bookmark all the way through, so that's answered your question. Filthy creep.

Oh, yeah, we've all heard about the special bookmark. Well, he says filthy creep. That's from Dylan Gambrill, 16, from South East London. Oh, Dylan. Dylan. Dylan. Filthy creep. Oh, lovely.

I'd like to know. Get Dylan to get in touch and tell us the nature of his special bookmark. Yes! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are still, I think, in email corner, but let me just stop the action for a second. I'm on the brakes on this.

I know the most boring thing in the world is people telling their dreams. I'll be brief. But I did promise before that I was going to tell you a strange dream. So I feel I don't want to let anyone down. It's going to be his problems next. It's going to be really, just do it really quickly. It's very straightforward. I dreamt I was in Berlin.

And I was there to pick up Helmut Kohl, the former Chancellor. Former is like former and Chancellor like Jedward. It's like Brangelina. Yeah, so I was there to pick up Helmut Kohl and I had to deliver him back to the television studios in London to be interviewed by Richard and Judy. And I did him. I picked up Helmut. How retro. He was very...

I can't remember any conversation on the journey. You wasn't a chatty man. No. And I delivered him at the thing. And then I went home. I put the news on and he'd shot Judy Finnegan dead on air and then that was it that's the dream I don't I don't feel any use to discuss it I'm just telling you that's what happened and I woke up thinking what what what does that represent about my inner

life oh that's guilt isn't it is it guilt yeah. You were responsible for Judy Finnegan publicly being assassinated. You're saying Frank was an accessory? In the dream, obviously, I felt a certain amount of guilt because I delivered the assassin. But where does it tie in with my real life? If we believe that dreams are representations of our subconscious here on Absolute Radio. You've just had too much cheese.

Frank, as we're in Email Corner and not Dream Corner... Sorry, I quite like Dream Corner. I did. Dream Corner! Julie, look out! Die, you swine!

There you go. So, go on. Email Corner. Dad, it's fine. There you go. So, go on. Email caller. The bottle's going to burn. Tony says, Hi, I was in Norwich recently for a funeral, staying with my cousin.

I noticed that Alan was playing a gig the next night at the art centre close by. He's everywhere. I know. So I dragged my cousin along with a money-back guarantee if he didn't like it. The gig was really funny and really cheered us up. Brilliant. Well done.

So nice work. Excellent. We also enjoyed the fact that you got through at least five microphones during the 90-minute performance, possibly a comedy record. I think it says on your poster, doesn't it, your tour poster, a tonic for the bereaved. Isn't that your slogan? Yeah, something like that.

Five microphones? Yeah, have you not seen my new act? I do loads of really high-tempo physical stuff where I'm smashing the mic off my head. Wow. No, it was just that they were faulty. Five? Well, four. We went through three, and on the fourth time he got it right, Wow No it was just that they were faulty Five? Well four

We went through three And on the fourth time he got it right But it was quite entertaining Because the sound man was at the back of the room And he had to basically run right down Past the audience Round the back of the stage Up onto the stage

Try and fix it Run back the whole way That's terrible I was delighted It took about five minutes off the show. Finally he was here now. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, it's been

lovely as ever to talk to you all and thank you for listening, those of you who did. Those of you who just had it on but didn't really tune into it, I don't mind that either as long as that button thing you press that says you're listening to it you know that thing they do the radio with? Yeah. It don't mind that either, as long as that button thing you press that says you're listening to it. You know that thing they do the radio house with?

Yeah. It doesn't exist. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. And we didn't mention him once. Congratulations, everyone. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio