The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Jeffrey

Episode Date: June 22, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Obama's name- gate, Em's trip to Ascot and the team's hygiene secrets. And of course a trip to email corner.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This, don't you know, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. So, um, what's going on? Strange start to the show. I'll tell you what's going on. We had a tweet in. Already? Yeah, it happens sometimes. This is from somebody called The Barnes Identity.

That's got to be a band, doesn't it? I don't know. OK. I thought it was one of John Barnes' relatives. But can you imagine, can't you? Have you heard that new track by The Barnes Identity? Yeah, I like them. They're always a bit on the edge.

He has tweeted us to say, have you seen this mug with Frank and Emily on it? He provides a link to amazon.co.uk and there's a mug, Frank, available for £8.99. Not even my mother would pay that. Not cheap for a mug. A photograph of you and me at the Harry Potter premiere.

I'd say about 2001 well yeah we can obviously we can date that when was the first harry potter film wow i know daisy the producer looked at it and she said oh you and frank he looks like he's just left his wife and this is your first public outing well i know that look and you're wrong i'm sitting that look on other pictures of me but um i think that's lovely i might get one i might as well i might get three i want to know who's selling this merch surely you're due some royalties i've got it i'm going to hell with it i'll let i'll let you say that i'll let the potter people sort of yeah

it's their premiere well Well, that is... I have got a few mugs with me on. Have you? Yeah. You were going to bring some Frank Skinner mugs in, weren't you? Oh. You said that you had an excess of Frank Skinner mugs in there. Well, I had some with a coarse joke of mine.

Oh, yeah. I know. Yeah, bring them in. OK. I have a white Mog actually which I Decided that this mog Tea didn't taste as good in it

As it did in my other Receptacles So I stopped using it For tea Fair enough if I had a bovril I'd bring it out How often does that happen? I'll had a bovril, I'd bring it out. How often does that happen? I'll have a bovril.

I'd say I'd have 14 a year. But tea, I would not drink tea from it. And then the other day, the cups, it was the only one left. And I thought, I'm going to give you another chance. It was like the prodigal mug oh i love that tale and uh i had a cup of tea out of it how was it it's all right oh i'm so pleased it was actually all right and i'm thinking as far as i'm concerned now it's back in the first team squad oh that's nice is it yeah i would thought that? I'd written it off completely. I mean, I hadn't even thought about it.

I'm so glad I know that now. Do you ever do that? Did someone actually text in about mugs, in a fancy mug? I noticed myself. It's made me more aware of it, as our readers often do. They bring things to my attention. I love them for that. But I had some friends round, and I made them a cup of tea.

I said, you know, mine host. And I went over to the mug, and I can't remember which mug it was now, but I remember thinking, well, this will start a bit of a conversation going. Oh, lovely. Oh, let's try this mug. And I do pick, you know, horses for courses with mugs. Yeah. OK.

I mean, I bought one of those... Oh, we're not done yet. You know, those Thermos mugs that you put a coffee in and then take it on a drive, for instance. Oh, yeah, at the top of the Thermos. For example. Yeah. I bought one of those from a bargain shop near my home for 99 pence.

Not second-hand. No. I bet there's a lot of tanning around the rim. A shop that offers savings. One of those, like, not Woolworths, but in the premises where Woolworths were. Sort of place you'd buy flip-flops from. Kind of. Well, I bought a Thermos mug for 99 pence, and it leaks, and it frustrated me.

What, at that price as well yeah i was thinking how long has the technology for the mug existed in a foolproof way where it doesn't leak and now in 2013 it's it's dripping all over the inside of my car i didn't find that out in the house i took a hot drink into the vehicle i was incandescent with rage. So there's a lesson to be taught here, isn't there? The text in this week is mugs you've known during your life. I think the text in should be, you pay peanuts you get

mug leaks. Nearly worked. Nearly worked. Frank? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I went to a Doctor Who event at the British Film Institute on Saturday. And there was a bit of a forum. I don't mean the old soft porn magazine from the 70s.

That's what I'm thinking. Oh, because that's what we were all thinking. Oh, I assumed. But there was people who'd been involved with Doctor Who. But the Colin Baicay years we were talking about. I wasn't on it, I was just in the audience. I was an audience. And one of the people asked,

who do you think should be the next Doctor Who? And Fraser Hines, who is a Doctor Who legend, Who and Fraser Hines, who is a Doctor Who legend, who I think has been in more episodes than any other companion. Who did he play then? He was Jamie, Jamie McCrimmon. Oh, I didn't know they had Scottish ones in Doctor Who. Yeah, he was one of these, you know those big Highland Rising battle things?

There's no way this was going. Yeah. My Scottish history is not great. I've got to be straight with you. But, yeah, so anyway, he said, well, I think Frank Skinner would be a great Doctor Who. What? Oh, my.

Did he know you were in the audience? He did know I was in the audience. Oh, he did. Oh, OK. And then there's a writer called Eric Seward who wrote a lot for it and I thought, he's going to say, no, hold on a minute.

And he said, oh, I don't know, I think he might work better as a companion and I thought, I'm being seriously discussed here in a public forum. But I know this has been

a bit of a joke. First of all, I was absolutely serious about wanting a part in Doctor Who of any kind. You begged last week. But then the big part came up and I thought, obviously. And I was offered a couple of jobs this week that would be like next year. And I thought, I wouldn't mind making absolutely sure I haven't got the doctor before I say yes to any of this I honestly thought that

so if there's anyone listening from Doctor Who just let me have a no so I can get on with my life this is getting so it's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done it's like when Madonna used to write get that Evita part that's what this is like

can I just say it's not the most embarrassing thing I've done no you're right this week I think I mentioned to some of you that i'm working um for sky arts at the moment on and we have a quest to find the portrait artist of the year so um we have a road show in various cities and people come and paint celebrities. So we had three big celebrities turn up from the acting profession.

Oh, who was that? Robert Lindsay. Lovely. Lovely big northern brute. Is he being discussed as a doctor, Robert Lindsay? No, I don't have an idea. I'm just wondering if you had a rap style beef with him. Alison Stedman.

Oh, yeah. And Juliet Stevenson. Lovely. Yeah. And they were painted by this. And so I had to go around with a camera crew and talk to the artist as they worked. There was a few people when they saw this show.

I'm co-hosting with Joan Bakewell. They probably thought, Joan Bakewell on an art show? Fair enough. Frank Skinner? Not sure. And I thought, you know, they'll see. They'll see. And then I started talking to this woman,

and she was doing pencil lines and sketches of Alison Stedman. And I said, so you're coming, obviously, to the end of the pencil, so I suppose now the thing is to collar it in. Oh. And there was a slight tension in the air. She said, well, there's a bit more. And I said, yeah, but basically colour it. I tried to, I stopped with it.

Anyway, it was all a bit awkward and I went off and about three hours later I went past again. She was colouring it in. I mean, there's no other, that's what she was doing. She was colouring it in. I mean, there's no other... That's what she was doing. She was colouring it in.

So, sometimes, you know, the layman, he goes, it was like the emperor's... What did he have, emperor? The emperor? New garments. Oh, yeah, that's it. The garments of the emperor. Did she colour it in dark enough to colour over the little numbers

that she'd drawn on all the different parts of the text? Don't get me wrong, she was very good. They were all brilliant. Did she have letters in each section? Because I find that helps with colouring in. Colourings in, I call it. Imagine if you'd have said that. You're doing your colourings in afterwards. I'll tell you something I noticed

about it. I thought, I finally discovered the appeal of the portrait painter is that you really get to stare at people. I mean, really. And that has gone from life, hasn't it? When you're a child, you really... Even my baby, who's only just turned one, he really stares.

If he's interested in someone, he'll properly stare at them with no reticence at all. When you're an adult, it becomes a dangerous thing. It does, yeah. Because you could either get in a fight or a relationship. Both of which have been a source of all sorts of trouble for me over the years. And so we don't stare anymore. We look slightly to one side. But if you're a portrait painter, you can really have a good gawp.

So I'm thinking I might reintroduce staring into my life. You're doing it now, and you're staring? I'm staring. My wife says I'm a starer. But who do you stare at? Her? Apparently, passers-by. Oh, God. And sometimes she'll say, you're looking at him as if to say, My wife says I'm a starer But who do you stare at? Her Apparently passes by Oh God And sometimes she'll say

You're looking at him as if to say What are you looking at? And I'm thinking Well he's staring at me And she'll say He's staring back at you Apparently I'm a starer I'm going to stop you doing that karate

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had a few messages from the outside world about mugs that they have known throughout the years. Lovely. I still have my enamel pint mug issued to me when I joined the army in 1971. After all these years, it still sears the skin from my lips.

Steve James from Birmingham I wonder why they give you a pint mug when you join the army what does that tell you? they might have stopped doing that now it's 1971 isn't it? that he got it you probably get don't say that like it's so long ago

probably moved on to like you probably get a carafe of white wine people are more sophisticated generally true that hang on a second where's it gone oh this is embarrassing hi frank emily in the cockerel i have a white frank skinner and david baddiel mug oh i don't know i haven't got one of those lucky monkey that i pinched from our choir rehearsal because i couldn't be bothered to wash it up and put it back in the kitchen when

we'd finish singing they're a hotbed of crime, choir rehearsals, aren't they? I should add that we rehearse in an Anglican church hall. Oh, that's my favourite one, Anglican, in Edgware Road. Not sure. That is often used to rehearse in by major theatre companies. In fact, a certain Kenneth Branagh is currently rehearsing there. Oh, lovey-no-lips, I like him. So before I stole it, it's very possible

that a huge celebrity may also have used it. Were his lips on it? Lovey no lips. It is one of my very favourite mugs. Lovely. Although I always have a little tingle of guilt every time I use it. I like to think it gives me a sense of what it's like to be a Catholic. That's from Anna.

It's true. The sting in the tail. I have to say I always get a little tingle of guilt whenever I use it. I think that's to do with being Catholic. Oh, my God. And the sting in the tail. No, I just think Kenneth Branagh might have drunk out of a Boudin and Skinner mug. Someone had said to me, in ten years' time, Kenneth Branagh's going to forget all of...

Someone had said to me, in ten years' time, Kenneth Radder's going to forget about it. I'll tell you what, when I was walking to the Arts Roadshow, I'll tell you about, on Sunday, there was a bunch of women walking ahead of me carrying arts equipment, quite a lot of arts equipment. And it was early in the morning, they hadn't seen me, and I thought, I'll be all, you know, man of the people. And I said

have you got a van? You know because they had a lot of... And one of the girls said no we need one. And then she turned to her friends and said stupid question. Was it me? No. I mean she hadn't

clocked me properly and I thought it's a disgrace the way the non-famous are treated. It is. I don't know how they cope. I really thought that. I wouldn't want to go back to that. You wouldn't want to remove the cloak of celebrity, darling. No. It's protected you well.

I couldn't cope. You see, it's softened me up now. I was sensitive to that. I was quite hurt by it. Yeah. In the old days, I wouldn't have thought, you know, twice, but, oh, dear. I saw your, they did some face painting on you, Frank. They did. They painted a van go. On your face? That's what she should have said when you said, haven't you got a van? She could have said, we've got a van go.

See, if she'd have said that, then i would have shook her hand and you could have said easel come easel go because she's carrying on and then what would she have said she'd have said you're as daft as a brush frank and then i and then what would i have said i don't know so i would have been the one who i didn't have anything to say at the end you see and that's why i didn't even go into that. I love that the ending to that was, I don't know. That was...

It wasn't the best game of joke tennis. But in the end, it was an error rather than a great shot. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in. Jeff, I find your show a blast and I always stare at people as does your child. Cheers, Simon from Palmer's Green. But you're called Frank.

He's called you Jeff. Well, he's not the only person who's called someone Jeff. Is it a reference to... No, he's spelt it Jeff, like Jeff Lloyd. Like Jeff Lloyd. Maybe he thinks I'm Jeff Lloyd. Yeah, maybe. But you're Frank, very much Frank.

Yeah. Yeah, but I do think it's an echo of... It might be, it might be. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it's a reference to the fact that Barack Obama called George Osborne Geoffrey. Three times, was it, this one? Apparently three. How many times did the cockerel crow?

Indeed. Maybe a little reference there. It's not enough of that on here. No. It's enough of that on here. He called him Geoff. It was sort of G8 gate, wasn't it? Yes, because he had... Which is odd because G8

is sort of gate. Yeah. Do you remember those garages? Q8. Q8. It used to be a Q and an 8. Oh, no, I don't remember that. And I imagine all the petrol came from Kuwait. Yeah. Kuwait. Kuwait. I I imagine all the petrol came from Kuwait. Yeah. Kuwait.

Kuwait. I imagine that's where it came from. Yeah, I get it. Hence, Kuwait. Yeah. Yeah. Are you going to say Kuwait again? Kuwait, yeah. Seven times.

I went there once and there was quite a big, loads of people wanting to get petrol. And I ate Q's at Kuwait. Uh-huh. Oh. waiting to get petrol and i ate queues at q8 um so they were at g8 yes i noticed the japanese premiere he had deck shoes on oh embarrassing did they they're all like smart black shoes i realize i'm the only person in the world that knows the shoes everybody noticed they didn't have ties on did they yeah everyone's talking their ties, but you're looking at the deck shoes on the Japanese leader. Do you mean like deck from Ant & Deck shoes? No.

They raised us in a platform. Deck shoes? Yeah. He came by boat from Japan. Where was he? It was in Enniskillen, wasn't it? Yeah. I'm going to Enniskillen for the Samuel Beckett Festival.

Hiya. In August. Oh, God, yeah. What? Great. I'm reading a short story in an unusual setting. Lovely. Oh.

I like this part of the show. We just do what I might be doing in the next one. What I'm doing in the summer. I admire Obama for having a go at it. If he's not definitely right, because I don't use people's names if I'm not 100%. But he did it three times, and when he apologised, he kept saying, thanks for that, Jeffrey. Oh, he used it really confidently.

If he'd have done it once, he could have got away with it. Yeah. But it was too obvious by that stage that he had no idea what he was called. The thing is, when the British politicians get near to Barack Obama, they all get a bit like when you're with the pretty girl at school. They're all very excited that it's Barack Obama. So the things he says to them, I mean, they treasure that for the rest of their terrible lives.

So George Osborne might make light of this, but I bet he's devastated. Well, you say that, but actually George Osborne isn't really George Osborne, is he? No. He's actually Gideon. He is? His real name is Gideon, so he's probably just thinking, well, you're in the right region, I'll let it slide, you know.

I think that is fair enough. If you're sort of in the right ballpark, like, you know, I recently was taking somebody's phone number and I'd already... What? I'd already met this chap. I mean, for her to find out... No. And he's just said, I'd already met this chap.

Yeah, I'd already met this chap and I knew his name was short. It's all gone a bit behind the candelabra. It's John, isn't it? And he went, Ben. And I think I should have got points for name was short. It's not going to be behind the candelabra. I went, it's John, isn't it? And he went, Ben. And I think I should have got points for it being short. At least I didn't go, it's, you know, Sebastian. And he'd gone, Ben.

You know what I performed in St Paul's recently? Oh, yeah. And the guy who was like... He's played them all. The guy who was the main guy who interviewed me and stuff, I spent the entire evening calling him. I think, I can't remember which way I wrote it. I was calling him Andrew.

And then when I got back, I read the email again, and he was called Richard. And he never... Shut up, you prudent. I did. He never corrected me on any occasion. Publicly? Throughout.

He never corrected me. What a lovely man. Whatever he was called. That's not what he's saying about you. I feel that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Um... Yes. So, Geoffrey Osborne.

Yes. Now, there is an explanation which almost to me left me bewildered. Yeah. Because I don't remember there being a soul singer called Jeffrey Osborne. Yeah, because Obama said, I'm sorry, man. Did he actually say man? He said, I'm sorry, man. I must have confused you with my favourite R&B singer.

I think he said man because he still didn't know his name at that point. Yeah, yeah. I hope he said my man. I'm sorry, my man. Any president that says man when referring to the terms of the exchequer is fine by me. I think he is so cool.

That's so cool. He could have totally faced it out, couldn't he, Obama? Yeah. Just like, yeah, it's just what I do. I think he could have said, oh, shut your face, be glad I speak to you at all. He could have done that and George Osborne would have gone...

And that would have been... Obama doesn't speak quickly enough to say, shut your face, does he? He'd have too many pauses, because he goes... He'd say, shut your mouth, is what he would say. You're... Why didn't he just call him y'all? Y'all doing a great job with the economy. Go deep south.

Yeah, a bit campy. Sorry, I've gone slightly Tom and Jerry housemaid. Forgive me. I'll run this through. I've got form with Geoffrey Osbourne. Have you? Yes. So can you tell me who he is first?

On the wings of love. There you go. That was the song. Tell me he advertised those, did he? I could have sworn that was Claire Rayner. Was he a fat bloke? Heavily gelled, floral dress? Who said, join a youth group, lovey?

See, I don't remember... Well, I'll tell you how I remember him. Because my parents used to take me to the top of the pop studios when I was a kid. Natch? Well, we say that, but in retrospect, was that a safe place for me to be hanging out? That's another story. Luckily, it didn't have any influence at all.

Parents, eh? So, and I remember on one occasion when I was in the top of the pop studio, I saw him perform live. So, I have seen Geoffrey Osbourne live.

It was great. He used to wear leather trousers, I remember. Did he? With a slushy blouse on pocket. Under those lights. Yeah, I don't envy him that.

Didn't care back then, did they? But he can't be Barack Obama's favourite R&B singer, can he? Could be. I mean, it makes Obama slightly less cool, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. It's the leather trousers. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have a theory which might make it sound like Barack Obama isn't as cool. I think the Geoffrey Osborne thing is a complete smokescreen. I think he had to Google to see if there was a Geoffrey Osborne. Right, because he had... I think one he's done, he's been... Someone said this is George. His first thought has been rainbow.

Yes. The hippopotamus. And he's been looking... Every time he looks at him, he sees the hippopotamus there. Yeah. And he thinks of him going, Duh, Geoffrey! And he said Geoffrey like that.

He just said it out loud. Because I think he said, I think I was saying to Geoffrey the other day. And everyone said, oh, that was a bit odd. Not only is it the wrong name, but he said it in like a sort of poppet voice, if there is such a thing. So that's my theory.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It's a rainbow-based explanation. That's the most credible explanation I've heard all week. Also, I once interviewed Richard Gere and... What's the name of that woman? Richard Hammond. There's a famous American actress who looks like she's just had a big sock of lemon. OK, I'm going to remember who this is.

She played... Bridget Jones. She played Bridget Jones. Oh, Renée Zellweger. Yeah, Renée Zellweger. We've got that. Ooh, hi. Bridget Jones she played Bridget Jones oh Renée Zellweger yeah Renée Zellweger ooh hi I like that you got her

on the basis of that description only and he was he was in Greece in the West End when he was about 20 Richard Gere

and he was in it with Geoffrey Hughes remember Geoffrey Hughes used to be in the Royal Family in Coronation Street I do he was Eddie Yates

in Coronation Street and they were driving somewhere and Geoffrey Hughes used to be in the Royal Family in Coronation Street? I do. He was Eddie Yates in Coronation Street. And they were driving somewhere, and he knocked Geoffrey Hughes off his motorbike. Oh. And I reminded him of this, and he'd forgotten all about it. And then we talked a bit later, and then he brought it up again, and he couldn't remember the name of Geoffrey Hughes.

And then later on, he couldn't remember something else, and she said, Oh, you're having another Jeffrey moment. And for a long time after that, if I couldn't remember anything, I'd call him. I'd say I'm having a Jeffrey moment. And strangely enough, Barack Obama added Jeffrey moment, which included the name Jeffrey.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. the name Jeffrey. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think we should take a little wander. OK. I think you know where. Email corner. And we've landed. I always imagine we're on a flying carpet

as we go into email corner, the three of us, cross-legged. Nice. Namaste. No, it's cleared up now, thank you. OK. Yoghurt. Yeah. We've had an email, and the first email is regarding,

well, it is your favourite theme. It's regarding Doctor Who. We'll have to start putting a ban on talking about Doctor Who on here. I think we might be boring people to death. We're going to be on those Doctor Who alerts every week, aren't we? I have been on one. Have you? Yeah.

When was that, then? It was when I first started begging for work with Doctor Who. And it was a Doctor Who fan saying time ago he hasn't got the job which shows at last they've stopped doing those ridiculous celebrity bookings oh you don't want to be the guy to stop those no no i want to be the last one i want to be looked back as the last one to get one of those further to recent discussion what about adopting the have i got news for you format and having a guest doctor every week? So Chris Addison can emerge from Matt Smith, then Stephen Fry, then Lembit Opik, then Frank. Oh, God. Hold it.

I'm going to emerge from Lembit Opik. It's as if I've always been in there in some form. Wait till you find out who's going to emerge from you. Go on. Then Miriam Margolis. You find out who's going to emerge from you. Go on. Then Miriam Margolis. You know, I think she did emerge from me a couple of weeks ago. You think? Yeah.

Carry on. Then Matt Lockwood. Dundee FC fullback. Oh, of course. And that's from Gordon, unsurprisingly, in Dundee. Yeah. Gordon Strachan, that is. Well, I mean, you couldn't have that many.

It would have... What he's talking about is... What's it called, Frank? I call it The Rejuvenation, but it's not called that. No, because you could call the show, if there was one every week, The Regeneration Game. Oh, lovely! Good for the website. Yes, regeneration. Pardon? It'd be good for that website, you know,

The Regeneration Game. Oh, yes. No! Yes. By the way, if you are in... What's the name of this guy? Gordon. Lembertopic. No.

Gordon in Dundee. No, I'm just saying that's who you become to become one, you and Lembert. There's a play on at the moment at the National Theatre of Scotland in Dundee called Let the Right One In which was written by my brother-in-law to be so go and see that keeping the family yeah

is it jute that comes from Dundee I don't know what you're speaking of that was the longest silence there has ever been on this show in nigh on four years. I aimed to that. That word that you said at the start, I don't know what that is.

I've never heard that word. What is it? Never heard the word jute. Can you break it down for me into letters? I don't know what it is. I think it comes from... Start with a word. I don't know what it is.

I haven't come up with it. It's a mineral, isn't it? How do you know it's real, then? Isn't it a mineral of some kind? It might even be polished into jewellery. Can I just speak to Emily for a moment? How would you spell that word that he's saying? I thought you were going to say, how would you deal with this?

J-U. Oh, it's a J. J-U, Tidy. I thought it was a D. You're thinking of duty. If you say it smells a bit duty in here... Are you going newty then? No, it's jute. Oh.

Someone will be listening from Don D. Someone will be listening. Someone will be listening. Not anymore. They're on their own by now. They were listening at the start of the link. They might not be listening now. Before what shall now be called

Jutegate. Yeah, well, perhaps someone can enlighten us on jute. I'm sure they have jute in Dundee. And it's from Dundee. Steve has said, Frank, do you fancy going for a pint? Which is wholly inappropriate. I do fancy going for a pint.

I mean, every day. I fancy going for about twelve and I mean, every day. I fancy going for about 12 and waking up in somebody's house listening to Frippin' Eno albums with, like, magic mushrooms in my teeth. But I'm not going to do it. Frank? Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a lot of correspondence regarding jute. Oh, yeah? What's the scores on the doors, Anthea? What's the 411? Anne McNeil. 411? No idea.

Daisy, do you know what that is? Oh, God, you lot are embarrassing. That was traditionally, that was the Director Inquiry's number in the US. Was it? So that's why rappers use it. What's the 411? What's going on? Is that what rappers use?

Anne McNeill. Yes, it's jute. Dundee is known for jam, jute and journalism. Oh. Oh, yeah, the Beano, that was there. Yeah, I've been to DC Thompson's offices. Have you? Brilliant.

It's made for sandbags as well. Back in the 1800s. Juice is used for sandbags. So I was right about it being crafted into jewellery. Yeah. It's used to make bags, Frank. OK, but it's from Dundee. I was right before you looked at me like I was speaking with forked tongue,

as they used to say in the old cowboy films. Yeah. Let's try another email. Good morning, Frank, gorgeous Emily and the Cockerel. Just listening. Do they guess in or do they know? They know. Oh, they know.

Are they going off... See, in the old days, no-one knew what radio presenters looked like. Now you just Google them. I get it myself about... Just listening to the podcast and loved the story about Lagerfeld, the cat burglar. Remember we were discussing his... Oh, Karl Lagerfeld, he looked after someone's cat.

He was cat-sitting. A friend's cat. Yeah. And then decided he liked the cat so much he refused to give it back. He said, I love this cat. And the person did a bit of a Geoffrey Osborne and went, okay. Such a character. And just let him get away with it.

Is the correct term for the act a catnap? That's clever. That is clever. He continues, that is all John from New York. He'll know what the 411 is. How cool is he? John without an H by the way, just J-O-N. John from New York. That is a cool handle, if you will.

Of course, the thing about him stealing that cat is that there have been no fingerprints because he always wears black leather gloves, Carl. Does he? Can you imagine the parents telling that crime child, Uncle Carl has taken it, it is not coming back. Uncle Carl is a frightening man with a ponytail. I don't like Uncle Carl, I don't like going to his house. No, he smells of mothballs.

I imagine he smells of mothballs, Karl Lagerfeld. I read, this is, you know they brought out the cheetah's autobiography, cheetah from... Oh yeah, my ex-boyfriend wrote that Yeah Cheetah from Tarsen Brought out an autobiography Oh yes I remember that

And then someone like Marilyn Monroe's Cat it became a bit of a thing And now Choupette Is bringing out It's autobiography Is that a fact Is it going to be called something No is bringing out its autobiography, Karl Lagerfeld's Cat. Is that a fact? Yeah.

Is it going to be called something? No. Oh, really? It'll be called something, but I don't know what it is. Karl's Cat. And the good thing is... Casey? When it agreed to do an autobiography, it signed a nine-book deal.

Oh! Very good. Lovely! You see? Yay! Because, proverbially, and autobiography, it's signed the nine book deal. Very good. Oh, lovely. You see, because proverbially, they've got four. I love that material. Yeah, that's my best joke. I mean, ever.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know, we were talking earlier about Obama and Jeffrey Gates, the incident. Well, we've had a text in on that subject. I had a very confusing chat with my dad a while back when he was asking me if I'd seen the new Brian Wallace film. Wallace film. On confessing I didn't know who he was, my dad said he was the one who was in those Kill Me Something films and used to be married to Debbie Moore.

It was then that I realised he meant Bruce Willis in Die Hard. That's from Gabby. So what was he? Brian Wallace in those Kill Me films? Brian Wallace in Kill Me Something films, married to Debbie Moore. Oh, I know. We all go that way in the end. Her dad seems to be from a

sitcom. Like a proper, like I'm going to make loads of mistakes in a funny way in the same sentence. Like Mrs. Malaprop. Indeed. Well, I need to talk about what I've been up to this week. It's not all about YouTube because you may have

had your face painted, but I went to the Royal Ascot. Oh. What, to the but I went to the Royal Ascot. Oh. Ooh. What, to the races or just to the... Don't make it sound common. After a pop. What, to races? A pop called the Royal Ascot.

I went to Royal Ascot. I've never seen such... And this is me talking. I've never seen such alcoholic excess in my life as I saw at Ascot. People just lying on the floor with their dresses up. Aren't people worried about it? Yeah, but I waited till about six o'clock.

Oh, that's fair enough. I'm on about lunchtime. I was in the Royal Enclosure, to be fair. Lunchtime. Can I say, just, I hate to, this is your story, I know, but I once was... It's a moment. I was presenting an award at the Olivier's,

at the Olivier Awards, and we were, all the people presenting were in this little room watching it on a monitor. And Maureen Lipman was also presenting that day. And they did them in the afternoon. It was like it started at 12 o'clock or something, the ceremony. And this woman won, and she came up and she had a ball going on. And Maureen Lippman went, lunchtime dear!

Marvellous. So anyway, cut to me, 8am hairdressing appointment at the house. I love it when they come to the house. Yeah, you have to pay their cab fare there and back, but that's fair enough. But I had to get, it's a very strict dress code for Ascot.

Very strict, Frank. No, straps can't be thicker, thinner than one inch, minimum one inch. Oh, God, that would have been no good for Peter the Wild. No. His was a, it must have been a good three inches round the throat. Anyway, and then no strapless dresses, Frank. What? Not allowed a strapless dresses, Frank. Not allowed a strapless dress.

Really? Had to wear a hat in the Royal Enclosure. Can I stop you there? I thought the whole thing, because there was a headline in the Daily Mail that said, Chav Scott. Yes. We don't believe that. But that wasn't...

I thought, if you pay a penalty, you get mog leaks, was better than Chav Scott. Yes. But it had lots of pictures of sort of... if you pay a penalty, you get mug leaks, was better than Chav Scott. Yeah. But it had lots of pictures of sort of... I didn't venture into that area. I can't comment on that area. But it said in the Royal Enclosure it's really gone down. There's women walking around.

No, I found out the truth about it. They paid people to say they'd been in the Royal Enclosure and lie. Oh. I got to the bottom of that story because I nearly didn't go when I heard that. Anyway, I had my hat. I don't think I can tell you how much it was. I had it sent over to me.

It was two monkeys. That's a fabulous design. Were they mounted or just holding hands? It was... That's a grand. Over a grand it was. And it was the Duchess of Cambridge's milliner. But you'll be able to use it again.

Duchess of Cambridge, that's the same you'll be able to use it again. Duchess of Cambridge, that's the same milliner that she goes to. Oh, wow. Oh, my milliner has got no royal connections whatsoever, and I feel like I've mugged myself now. I almost went off for the job in a hat shop, and I said, you know, who wants to be a milliner?

Oh, I love that pun. And Chris Tarrant, I was in there, he took his notepad out, wrote Summit Down and left, and I've often wondered what that was. But frankly, he had a hat disaster there. But there was another hat disaster, because Tom, who I was going with, and he's quite blue-blooded,

he's quite posh, so I thought, well, he'll get the dress code right, because it's morning suit and top hat, it's top hat and tails. He didn't turn up in a thin strapped dress, did he? No. He wasn't wearing spags. No, he didn't go Grayson Perry, but he did turn up... Lunchtime, dear.

He did turn up with a top hat. I said, Tom, is that your top hat? It was a fancy dress shop top hat. It was felt with a staple sticking out of it and the plastic brim coming off. He said, I won't have to wear it, it'll be fine. And mirrors like a nutty holder. I said, where did you get it?

He said, it was my nephew's dressing up box. So I thought, this isn't going to pass Royal Mustard. You're right, he is posh. Because his nephew's got a dressing up box. I thought it only happened in Winnie the Pooh. Well, hold that because I this is an

intriguing tale this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio we're at Ascot we're at Ascot with me with Emily Dean

and my escort Tom and Tom took an escort oh no sorry on air he's only drinking and driving And my escort, Tom... And Tom. Took an escort. Oh, no. Sorry, on air. He's only... Drinking and driving. I'm going to use football as tense.

He's turned up. OK. He's looked up. He's had the top hat. His hat is a child's fancy dress top hat with a staple in it we've established. So the organisers are sort of... Well, I don't think you can wear that in the Royal Enclosure. Soporter was there who's chris o'dowd's who became she took that little just one

letter she used the oh i said i like what you did with that she said thanks she said there's a shop over there you can go and buy one so she sent him off to the shop meanwhile they said to me would you do an interview with ascot tv which is all over these big screens frank big screens all over the stadium really yeah stadium oh that's what i call it i didn't know what it was so i said yeah yeah i'll do the interview so the girl talked to me i could hear my voice reverberating they were everywhere oh like when they sing the national anthem at the superbowl and their mouths isn't quite in sync because of... I could hear my voice. So they asked about my clothes. What are you wearing?

I told them everything. What were you wearing? Two monkeys. I had an Alice Templey dress. No, no, what were you wearing? No, no. What was the designer? Alice Templey.

Lovely. I don't know. So, again... I find them a bit Templey. She dresses the Middleton girls a lot. Does she? Yeah. So do I. It was bit temperly. She dresses the Middleton girls a lot. Does she? Yeah. So do I.

It was all very royal. So she's asking me nice questions. We're talking shoes and bag and hats and gloves and all this sort of stuff. Match. And then for some reason, I don't know why I did this, Frank. I need to apologise in advance. She said, so what do you make of Ascot? Why are you at Ascot?

Something like that. And I said, I despise horses. And I heard myself saying it on the screen. And I loathe gambling. I said, so I don't know why I'm here. She was polite. She laughed.

She went, ha ha ha. She said, well, you don't just work at Instar magazine, you're also the co-host on the Frank Skinner breakfast show. So my name ruffled around Ascot Stadium. I said, that's right. I said, Frank hates horses as well. Whoa, whoa! I'm so sorry, Frank.

I've been implicated. I know. I do hate gamblers as well. You might as well have thrown that in. I don't hate gamblers, but I hate gambling. Tom, meanwhile, came back from the Ascot Top Hat shop. He said they're two and a half grand. I can't stand that kind of money. No.

No, he got four. No, he didn't. That's who I mix with. High rollers. He should have got one with the price tag in it, like the one from Alice in Wonderland. Like that character. Do you know what I liked about the programmes?

All I bet on was Frankie DeTore. Anything he was in I thought would be good. I didn't get the idea. I backed on Frankie DeLiberal Democrat. The less volatile of the two jockeys. Did anyone pull you up though

on the horse remark? Did anyone say, excuse me when I have horses in my life? I got a few strange looks. I think they clocked it. From the horses? No. Well, I couldn't really tell. I don't know how the horses felt. I thought, you know, we've worked for this. And now they know that you hate them as well, Frank.

Yeah. They do say they understand humans, don't they? Can I say, they are horrible creatures, don't they? I mean, I saw them up close. I find them a bit salty. Frank, they're so shiny and ribby. Oh, disgusting. What, they're posh?

They are, aren't they? I don't know. I can't work it out. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Joel from Manchester says, Frank, long-time listener, first-time texter, please can you settle an argument?

My other half insists that Sandy the weather girl is your future mother-in-law. I maintain this is not the case. Please clarify. Well, never say never. I mean, who knows what strange turns life can take. But no, Sandy War is the newsreader and travel

person. And Sandy Mason is my mother-in-law. In fact, Sandy Mason, it's her birthday today, so happy birthday. Happy birthday, Sandy Mason. But I love the idea of Sandy War being my mother-in-law.

It would be a strange biological thing. I think I'm probably quite a bit older than her, but I could say I could marry when I'm an old man. Let's not even think about it. In the current climate, I'm not sure it's practical. I thought you were Howard Marshall. I put my career first. Still, it wasn't me who started that old crazy Asian war,

but I was proud to go and do my patriotic chore. Career? Is that what you were? No, I think of Vietnam. Oh. It was me who started that old crazy Asian war. Who's this character? Kenny Rogers. Oh.

What about me, Ascot, then? Oh, yeah, Ascot. Oh. What about the ascot then? Oh, yeah, ascot. Guess what happened in the lift, Frank? There's a lift at Ascot? I imagine it's all on the level. Well, only for the rolling clothes. Was it on the flat? It was all for the rolling clothes.

Very good. Now, what happened in the lift? Well, I got in. There was an elderly couple with the name badges. Oh. And she said... I think that elderly couple should all wear name badges. I hate these people.

Because they wander off, and then you'd know, if they had the name and address on them... You'd know. Yeah, it's like Paddington. They should all have a label. Come on, love. I'm so bad at names, I'd like everyone to have name badges on permanently.

I think it would be great. He was wearing orthopaedic shoes, and the woman looked at me... I forgot what they are. What are they? You can just tell they look clumpy and they look a bit odd. You're giving this story a big build up. And the woman said really loudly

actually this lift is meant for people that can't walk properly. And I thought well firstly it's just that you can't choose shoes properly. It's not that you can't walk properly. They're just orthopaedic. So I was furious. And secondly, she had no idea how much she'd been drinking at that point. You couldn't walk properly either.

I can only imagine how high your heels were at Ascot. About five. About five inches. So I thought, I'm going to get out the lift now. As I turned to leave, I said, actually, I'm finding it hard to walk properly in these. Pointed at my heels, flounced out. Tom says, actually, I'm finding it hard to walk properly in these. Pointed at my heels, flounced out. Tom says, Em, this

isn't our stop. We're getting off at the next. Oh. No, I bet it was your stop and he did that as a prank. I know. He stayed in the lift. With his crazy top hat. Eh? He was a joke, wasn't he? I said,

I can't get back in the lift with those people. No, I can understand. I said that. I said that out loud, Frank. I made him get out. Oh, they were there? Yeah, I said I cannot get back in the lift with those people. Who knows what the elderly hear and don't hear.

We can only guess. They're mysterious in that. Well, that's... Because I once did the opposite thing I once got into a lift with about 12 people and went hello people looked absolutely terrified

so don't try that people don't like it this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio just saw Frank's face painting reminds me of the tattooed leopard man who inhabited his own island This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I just saw Frank's face painting. It reminds me of the tattooed leopard man hermit who inhabited his own island. I remember him.

Yes, I do as well. You were him on Saturday. Yeah, I only got my face done. It was interesting because I felt that afterwards I was able to empathise with the canvases having been one. I know what it's like to have someone staring and pointing a paintbrush at you. Did you feel a bit flat? No, I felt concave. Has anyone got any more

Ascot-related questions for me? Yes. Did you go back in the lift and scratch a pensioner's eyes out? Is that what happened? How many people, this is a ballpark figure, how many people would you say you spoke to while you were at Ascot? Oh, I don't know. 50?

20? 39. 39, okay. You see, I find if I go to any event and I speak to however many people, I don't know what it is. I'd say 74% of them have bad breath

i think it's a growing phenomenon male female you're i'm i'm expecting it someone gets close i'm bracing myself for bad breath it's everywhere what do you think it is down to i don't i really don't know what it is, but why don't... Please, if I've got bad breath, I want you to tell me now, on air. It's funny you should say that, because there are three that spring to mind that were bad. Yes, but have I got bad breath? No. You see, I think... Go on.

I haven't smelt it. I need to know. I think if you outed me on air, then people who know people with bad breath would feel that they could do it. You know what I mean? It's a bit like when homosexuals in the public eye come out and then other young men at home think, you know, maybe I'm going to come out now.

I've been inspired by that. And if we can do that with bad breath, we can make it a better world to live in. It's everywhere. Honestly, I spent at large events. I'd get home and I'd just vomit for like 40 minutes when I'd get in. Did you have any at the Trafalgar Square? Oh, did I?

At an art gathering, of course. It's everywhere. You know, it's... I don't know what it is, but please, if you know someone with bad breath, take them to one side. Turn them away from you and say, as you might talk to a cat,

and whisper over their shoulder, sort it out. Oh, huck. People never jump onto the royal horses anymore, I've noticed. No, I noticed that. Since Emily Pankhurst. Davidson. Yeah.

Pankhurst was like the boss. Yeah. I think Emily Davidson was just one of the drones. Boss, that means the apprentice. Whereas Emily Pankhurst was the queen bee. Emily. I see, yeah. But you know what they do have, Frank?

A horse. In the royal brochure, they have the jockeys, and. I see, yeah. But you know what they do have, Frank? In the royal brochure, they have the jockeys, and what I love is the weights. Oh, yeah. Eight stone twelve, nine stone two. I think they should do that in life. Like President Obama,

twelve stone three. Are you sure? I've got nothing to hide these days. I'm training three times a week. Okay, fair enough. Couldn't people, when they're texting, can they add their weights? Then I feel we know what we're dealing with,

whether they're people who are, you know, on the ball or slovenly. I passed a protest, a non-violent jump under a horse protest. They were protesting against the World Cup in Brazil, and I saw this person with a big flag on their back, and it's had spray painted on it, I'm not going to the World Cup. When I got closer, it was Roy Hodgson. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I haven't had anyone's weights through. Really? Tell us how much you weigh. Not just that. They have to tell you something else as well. To say something like, Hi guys, in Evanstown 4.

Have you ever noticed? Then it'd be something interesting. We have had texts about people's favourite mugs and all sorts of stuff today. And a few people that stare at people. Someone says that they stare at the back of people's favourite mugs and all sorts of stuff today. Have we? And a few people that stare at people. Someone says that they stare at the back of people's heads and try and guess what their face will look like. Well, we've all done that.

It's fun. It's the old 1660, do you remember that? Yes. People that look like they're 16 from behind. And then, yes, it wasn't about the restoration of the monarchy. That's what I thought it was going to be about. We need to discuss a disturbing new trend. Must we? It wasn't about the restoration of the monarchy. That's what I thought it was going to be about. We need to discuss a disturbing new trend.

Must we? Well, we don't... I don't want to disturb anybody. You know what, you should have said, must we? Because it's about cleansing reduction. Apparently people... Oh, I thought you meant there's a lot of must we... Must we? ...around on upholstery.

It's mainly on jute, isn't it? Yes. You sound so Scottish when you say that. Yeah, you do. And I like it. Jute, yeah. It's in my jeans. The jute.

Not Moskwe. Both. Cleansing reduction is apparently a thing where people are having fewer showers these days They're just letting it Why? Apparently it has some health benefits It means that you keep the good bugs on you

Oh I don't believe that This is that thing of not washing your hair isn't it Don't wash your hair and it starts to clean itself And you can do the same with your body Yeah For a while This is what Quentin Crisp said about his flat. Quentin Crisp did it with his flat?

Yeah. He started to clean itself. He said that after about four years, if you don't clean your flat or your house at all after about four years it doesn't get any dirtier. It peaks. Really? Yeah. It's just a matter of

keeping your nerve was what I think he actually said about it it's like you know they used to say that if you grew your hair it gets to a point where your hair just gets fed up and stops growing i like the idea of your hair responding in an emotional sense i thought it was the other way around i thought your hair carried on growing after you died. It's still going. Well, you know what? So what, dude? Yes. You've become a bit like my mum now. She always says that. He's become a bit like the demon headmaster. That is all.

I did that recently myself for a feature. I didn't wash my hair for seven days. It was absolutely disgraceful. Did we see you over this period you did but i put so much dry shampoo on it that leaves this thick white powdery residue i look like beethoven that's not the same though that's not shampoo is not no i did on day seven i had to i broke because i couldn't cope with it anymore it was so ugly instead of this at school or even beyond putting uh talcum powder on your hair to get the grease off yeah instead of washing your hair oh yeah and there used to be a thing to style your hair if you didn't want to pay money on gel

you used to put conditioner and then just leave it in oh really a couple of little tips there for our poorer breeders i know the punk rockers use soap water, don't they? We get a lot of the poor, you know. A lot of the poor listen to this. Yeah, why not? It's free, isn't it? I like to help them out. It's free. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean in hard cash.

I mean with advice. Yes. Yeah. Punk rockers? Do they still exist? I think so, yeah. They're probably all emos now. It used to be a sort of job, being a still exist? I think so, yeah. They're probably all emos now. It used to be a sort of job being a punk rocker.

It did, yeah. What do you do? I'm a punk. It's a job. Actually, when I was a punk rocker, I remember a woman saying to me at a wedding, so, how's it going? I said, what?

She said, being a punk rocker. I was going very well, thank you very much for asking. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'm aghast. I'm aghast on my own show. We're going to talk about this.

Yeah, Bob. Oh, God. Bob, are you the assistant producer, Bob? Yes. That's your official job title. But Bob is a new family member, newly adopted, because Sarah, the last one, went to Pastures New. Yeah. Bob's just announced that he never uses soap or shower gel or shampoo.

He just rinses. He washed his hair. He used shampoo a year ago. Yeah. He just rinses with water and that's it. Yeah. And there were questions I wanted to ask, which I didn't feel like I could ask. About another region.

Which you didn't feel able to and now you think you'll do it on air. I won't ask those questions, but there are certain you know, it's like doing a dirty frying pan. You're going to get the fairy liquid on and it remains a bit... No, no, no. It's like a wok though, isn't it? You don't put soap on a wok.

You just wash it. It's nothing like a wok. It is like a wok. It's nothing like a wok. It is like a wok. You rinse it and dry it and it's fine. Nice wok if you can get it. Well, I'm astonished. And you don't really... I haven't got that close to you, Bob, yet,

because it's early days. I have. Does Bob smell? He smells lovely. As I said in a slightly medical way, he presents as very clean, doesn't he? I can't work in it. And you never use shampoo.

Pardon? I rinse thoroughly. I know you rinse thoroughly, but it's... Very thoroughly, it sounds like. But, you know, it's like a car wash. Even that has a bit of lather in it. And that's a car. That's non-porous, Bob.

I've got sensitive skin, Frank. Sensitive skin, I know you have. It's lovely and soft to the touch. Now we know you've got the job. But I'm worried that your scalp must look like an ice rink under that hair. It's got so much white... Oh, don't... It's in the air now. The bits are in the air.

There's no bits, though. Isn't that the point, that you eschew bits by not using the bits up? I have got... I mean, my earwax alone, it needs some sort of astringent. You couldn't just... I once sat in a classroom and I made... I bet it was about six centimetres... No, six millimetres high.

I took the wax out of one ear and made a very good copy of the death mask of Tutankhamun out of earwax. In a history class? I think it was German. Oh, that's a shame. It's not at all apathy. By the way, speaking of ears, I went into the Apple shop the other day. Oh.

I don't mean the greengrocers, I mean the... Why do you say speaking of ears? There's big ears in there, buying a laptop. No, I was buying some earphones, because I broke mine. And I was anticipating 10, 15 quid. How much? He said, these ones... I said, have you got those with the hooks on so they stay? And he said, yeah, 15 quid. How much? He said, these ones... I said, have you got those with the hooks on so they stay?

And he said, yeah, there you go. That'll be 59.99. Oh! Oh! And I said, no, no. No. You said, oh, no. You went a bit Churchill dog, did you?

Oh! Can I say, that should be really Derek Giler from Play Soak. Churchill completely ripped off. Oh. Derek Giler used to go, oh, yes. And now there's a dog ripping him off. So, I bet he's got bad breath. You can tell by looking at him.

Oh, Vic Reeves. Churchill. Oh. So, in the end, the cheapest I could find was 35 quid. Yeah. Can that be right? I think within that shop is probably the cheapest you could find, but had you gone to a different shop in the local community...

Is that what I should have done? Yeah. I would have price-checked that elsewhere. I've made a fool of myself. You know, Google, or... Ecosia. Ecosia. Could have had a look on there. I should Google? Or Ecosia. Could have had a look on there.

£59 is a lot, but then two monkeys on a hat's a lot. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Three, of course. You'd have done your neck in. Especially if one of them was a mandrill. They look quite agile,

but they're weighty. I don't know if you've ever had cradled one in your arms, a mandrill. It's like holding a large pig. Anyway, that's... I like the weight has been quite a theme today, which is a good thing. However, he's a mandrill. That's the texting. Oh, yeah. is a mandrill. That's the texting. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. 119 has texted us. Oh yeah? How heavy are they? Six stone eleven. Oh okay. Which is a bit worrying. Lightweight.

It's Frankie Dettori to be fair. Hey there Frank Allen and the ever delightful Emily their words not mine I do agree long time reader first time texter regarding your whole

always a moment I think regarding your whole personal grooming discussion I haven't washed my hair for at least 15 years shut up and I very rarely shower or have baths or use soap. Is this from Duncan Goodyear? It's from Pete Doherty.

15 years! Instead, I visit my local steam room every two to three days and have several steam icy shower hits. Then I completely exfoliate and massage extra virgin olive oil. This is getting a bit 0898 numbers. Into my hair. It's getting a bit can't cook, won't cook. This is the only time it gets brushed too. She also massages.

Is it a she? It must be. 6, 9, 11. 6, 9, 11. Massages the extra virgin olive oil into her skin. You're going to feel so bad if it's a dwarf.

Carry on. Which I then rinse through in a hot shower. I should say that I'm in my 40s and I regularly get mistaken for late 20s. Well, no wonder you're operating in a cloud of steam. People with glasses on, they can just see the outline of a figure. So I guess I must be doing something right for me, at least.

You must be. It sounds like hard work. That'd be easier to just wash. Jump in the shower every day. But how oily? I bet he or she takes a bit of holding on to. Must be the oil. Like holding a pilchard.

Slippery little sucker. Nice. According to my copy of Primate Exchange Rates, one mandrill equals four lorises. Is that right? That's from Robert Black. There isn't enough... Fourteen stone, big boned.

So, we've started some sort of ape-based bartering system, it seems. But a loris isn't an ape, is it? No. He mentioned something else called bonobos. Oh, I've heard of that, yeah. Oh, have you? Yeah. That's two of them.

It's a dance, isn't it? Two of them is a mandrill. Yeah, they're horrible mandrills, big teeth. And they're designed so their faces look exactly like their gentleman's excuse-me's. Gentleman's excuse-me's. Yeah, so whichever way you approach them from, it's disgusting. What am I? They don't want to take the risk that someone might approach them from an angle that's not

disgusting. One of my hygiene secrets is that I've occasionally swabbed my gentleman's, excuse me, with a face cloth. My wife's face cloth. Is that? And then put it back for face? Yeah, I've given it. Well, we were talking about hygiene secrets.

That's not hygiene. That's a practical joke. No, it wasn't, it's just, you know... Why is everyone acting like this is normal? This isn't normal. Stop him, Frank. No, I'm thinking, I'm always in the market for a new gag. Wow.

I thought we were going to ask people what their hygiene secrets were, and I thought, well... I didn't know we were going that dark. There's secrets, and there's secrets. This is... The bloke has just been done for espionage. He's now sitting at home thinking, well, there's a drop in the ocean, compared to the face flannel story.

It's not been done for espionage, actually. I shouldn't say that in case he sues me. I do sometimes... He'ses me. I do sometimes. You've been charged. I'll sometimes, if I'm on my way out, and I've had it with a cab. You never. And a cab's waiting. I spotted once I had a few little hairs on my ankle.

So I said, hang on one minute, put my ankle over the sink, just shaved the little hairs off the ankle. Didn't even take my trousers off. Just rolled up the ankle. What you should have done is you just sort of twirled your ankle bracelet up and down. It would have got caught in the... Oh, that's a good idea. ...in the links. Lovely.

You know, like threading. Yeah. Like threading, but with metal. Oh, all the tips are coming out today. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Top of the box I know we say that a lot on this show

But this is deserved Because, are they called Kimyu? I think that's the portmanteau word for Kim and Kanye I believe they're called Kimyu I suppose, yes They're with child Kimchi is a Japanese spicy side dish

isn't it I think it's Korea it's karate knowledge Frank that's how he's picked that up in karate they often fight in a sort of a tunnel of side dishes they've had a baby

this is Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and they've had a baby this is Kanye West and Kim Kardashian Kardashian yep and they've only gone and named it North so it's called

Northwest Northwest yeah everyone thought this was a joke originally but it's a true story um

I I am not going to condemn anyone for giving their child an unusual name um

because my child is called um the bars as some of you may know um as in the sound that a bee makes uh i i think this is uh quite good because presumably the next child they'll call nw2 nw3 and then they'll work their way through um the london postc Yeah, I feel sorry for West, though. But North West, I think... You see, if Geoffrey Osborne, George Osborne, had been called North Osborne, I don't think... You'd remember it.

Yeah, Barack Obama would have forgot that. Also, autobiography, very easy, North by North West. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But. Or someone who was eaten with him, their autobiography, up north. Yeah, so there's a lot to be said for it. I was just filming this last Sunday on the art show.

Our director is called Southern. That's his first name. Oh, I like that name. Yeah. Quite sexy. You're not going to forget that. What's he like, Southern? I think you'd like him.

Oh, let's talk. OK, I don't know what his situation is. All right. Well, I suppose it's just bottom end of the... No, he's Southern. I'll a-cozier him. Do you? I'm all for that. So, you know, North,

Southern, Sheena Easton, Clint Eastwood. My concern for them is, as parents, the child is going to get to an age where it needs chastised and she's going to go, look, North-West! And then the child is going to go, hang on, which direction's North-West? Or just look North, which is

the magazine programme from North of England. Look north, and then he'll go, do-do-do, and he'll do the theme tune. I love that show! You are a character, North! You surely are! Now, Uncle Carl is coming

round now. Watch the cat! They've probably got an open-plan kitchen and living room, haven't they? Just to get her behind in. Yeah, she did get big as a pregnant woman. No, she's not big. No, but she's bound sweets from the bedside, isn't she?

I heard that. Quite a good move. No, I don't think so. Surely that's the only time in your life you're allowed to pull the ripcord. I think you've got to pull it while you're pregnant, haven't you, really? And then as soon as it stops it, then you're on the sort of boys go to the gym every day. That's what she'll be doing, definitely. But when she says, come here, North West, and the child's going,

well, hang on, does that mean I have to go South East first? There's too many avenues for confusion. I don't think the child will have any sense of compass points it's going to be called North West and it's not going to have any sense of compass points you'll just be stepping in and out of a limo it's never going to have to use a compass

I can't see it doing the coast to coast walk no it won't be that kind of a life is it a boy or a girl? it's a girl isn't it? it's a girl yeah I like it what I'd really Won't be that kind of a life. Is it a boy or a girl? It's a girl, isn't it? It's a girl, yeah. Okay. I like it.

What I'm really, really fascinated to discover is what does it say on the birth certificate where it says mother's occupation? That would solve a lot of problems for me. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Email Corner

It's the gif that just keeps on giving, that jingle. Dear Mr Radio, the Divine Miss M and the Venerable Cockerun Cockerel, sorry, Venerable Cockerel. I'd quite like to be addressed as that henceforth. It's only really Bede

who had venerable as a regular adjective. Hmm. Until now. Yeah? I'd like the Venerable Cockerel. Those Terry Venerables. Oh, yeah. Those are quite the same. No, didn't have the, uh... Anyway, I recently underwent a period of fasting the podcast

in order to stockpile chapters of reading material to help me through the late night feeds of my soon-to-be-arriving son, Elisha. Is it Elisha? Elisha. Is it Elisha? Mm. Alright. Fine. Don't get stoppy about it. My beautiful boy arrived

six weeks early and I duly started the joyous task of catching up on what I'd been missing

out on during a previous chapter Frank was extolling the benefits of the cloak as a fashion

accessory oh yeah oh cloaks were fun weren't they since hearing this seven week old

Eli has taken to any opportunity when left unattended to turn his bib around in order to create a makeshift cloak i love the word makeshift can i just say yeah i was wondering if maybe frank would like to try this out i was wondering if frank would maybe try this out with

buzz as a sort of training cloak so that buzz can gradually build up to full cloak wearing well there's several things here. First of all, I'm a bit worried that Eli... Seven-week-old. Yeah, he's... I hope his head's not turning 360 degrees like in The Exorcist. So when Dad's out of the room with things, I might eat a bit round this side now.

I'll just adjust the bib. I like the sound. He's a junior Emperor Ming. But also, it's not quite uh it's more of a cape isn't it yeah rather than a cloak it's more of a tabard really yeah because it's just uh it's just at the the back i'll try it but it's more the sort of yeah but i'm a bit worried about it also there's an odd thing um happened you know It's that Boz's latest thing for the last few weeks has been

pointing at aircraft. So if any aeroplanes, helicopters go over, he points and goes, da! Now, we have a lot go over. For a start off, we're right on the river,

so we get a lot of helicopters. I don't know if you know, but in central London, helicopters have to follow the course of the river, unless they're military or something. So we get a lot of helicopters. And he loves it. Points. We all have to...

I'm running out of small talk about aircraft, to be honest with you. I mean, the queen's birthday celebrations it was a nightmare it was the red arrows oh so anyway um one thing is consistent is when a chanuk goes over he bursts into tears oh no does he yeah every time he's fine with the normal helicopter you know the chanuk they look a bit sinister, though. Yeah, and often they're things like, you know, they're used to bring heads of state and stuff like that. I don't know if he's... Maybe he just doesn't like

dignitaries. Apple doesn't fall off from the tree. Well, it's such a weird thing. He cries at Chinooks. So if there's anyone else listening whose baby has an aversion to the Chinooks. So if there's anyone else listening whose baby has an aversion to the Chinook helicopter, please let me know

because I'm trying to get to the bottom of it and I don't want to leave it unattended and then you know, he should take people to McDonald's in 2020. How am I going to feel about that? This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. I have another email for us, Frank. Voice, yes. Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockadoodle Do. My girlfriend and I met Frank on Tuesday in Westminster and he was nothing but a gentleman. Posing for a photo

with us and giving up a few moments of his precious time. Oh, it's priceless. I am, however, wondering... Actually, it's not priceless, as my manager will tell you. Yes. ...wondering what he was listening to as he walked along in his smart suit that we made him pause. Please enlighten us.

I was the one in the trilby hat and Georgie was the one you'd remember. Cheers, Ben from Berkhamstead. Do you remember these characters? Are you saying that... Is he suggesting that I'd remember Georgie because she was the... Was she the filly?

The filly, yeah. Is that what I was going to say? I think that is what he's suggesting, yeah. Whereas, in fact, I think I'm more likely to remember him because he was about 22 and was wearing a trilby. And anyone under 70 wearing a trilby, I tend to notice. But they were very nice. I was listening, I believe,

I was listening to an old edition of a 1950s sci-fi American radio show called Space Patrol, featuring Commander Boz Corey and yeah looking up it's great really exciting stuff and lots of which is basically my ringtone which is very confusing

you've sort of fulfilled a similar, an adjacent email that we've had. Morning FA&E, thank you, Frank, for the American Gods recommendation in the interview last week with Neil Gaiman. I purchased the audiobook for the 10th anniversary edition and think I have about an hour and a half to go from the 19 hours. It's fantastic, but I'm starting to get sad at the thought of finishing it.

I had that recently with a very long talking book. I met you once... No, that was with a Greggs. Yeah. I met you once at a large bookshop in Brighton that you visited and we chatted about football podcasts and books. Any more recommendations, please? In return, I'd like to recommend

The Amazing Adventures of Cavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon. Ah, yes. An excellent read. Thank you, Ben. Yes. But you've just recommended the thing, whatever it was. Yeah, but that's radio shows. I'd say that... Well, it's still something to listen to, isn't it?

I think... What's the thing you recommended? Space 1999 or whatever it was? Something like that, wasn't it? Something sci-fi. OK. I would try it. Try China Mieville's The City and the City. I think you try it. Try China Mieville's The City and the City. I think you'd like that.

China Mieville's The City and the City. What was your big long audio book that you only just finished? It was a very long Stephen King one. A bit frightening. It had frightening bits in it, but it was really weird, because when it finished... Don't look at that flannel. It's all right, I'll wash them with a flannel.

I imagine that flannel is like the flannel of Saint Veronica, you know, mop, mop the face of Jesus and then after when she looked, his face had appeared on it. Costs a lot of time to make me a glass of femur, wouldn't it? Yeah, your wife picks up the flannel in the morning and there's your gentleman's excuse. Ricky laughs Oh. Frank, guess what? Anouk has texted, read Chinooks. What's the chances of that happening?

Anouk says babies have a different frequency hearing range. Ah. And that's why. And do Chinooks sound differently from all the other helicopters? It's that double chopper thing, isn't it? Oh. I hate it when that happens. There's another child with an aversion to the Chinook. Really?

My little boy Oscar also has an aversion to the Chinook. I think it's due to the fact that the dual rotor seems to simulate a mild earthquake, teacups rattling, etc. That's from Sarah. Blimey, that sounds like they're living in one. I thought, oh God, he's so unusual, turns out. We're nearing the end now, I should tell you that. By the way, on the Space Patrol broadcast, they advertised these fantastic space binoculars you could send in for. Only 25 cents. Oh, that sounds about like it.

Four-inch square, and it says they stand out two inches from your head. Imagine how brilliant that would be. And I thought, oh, I'll a bit like it. Four-inch square, and it says they stand out two inches from your head. Imagine how brilliant that would be. And I thought, oh, I'll get some of them. And then I realised it was from 1959. This is why they never show reruns of the old lottery shows. People get confused. Although, can I say, I've got time to say one quick thing. I was watching Bullseye on Challenge.

Bullseye from about 1973. That was a fun night. And Jim Bowen says, Lucky cat. If you'd like to be on Bullseye, why don't you send in... And a caption, a bad caption came on the bottom and said, Entries are now closed. People are going to say,

Yeah, I'll go on that, but I have to go back to the 70s. But I'll do it. Look, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. So thank you so much for listening. Once again, happy birthday, Sandy. And now get out. This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio.