The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Keeping Cool

Episode Date: July 20, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss ways to keep cool, Frank's airport incident and correct pronunciations.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8 12 15. Follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email us on the Absolute Radio website. Oh, they've all got a bit Jackanory this week. Your English lessons are really coming on, aren't they? You know, just give people a chance at the beginning.

People have got hangovers, they're just getting in. Some people listen to this on waste ground. You know, it's not easy. on waste ground. You know, it's not easy. I have a little tale of... Like here, you're going to be a town crier. Hear ye.

I used to go to an Irish pub in Spark Hill in Birmingham. Whenever you walked in, there was an Irish manager in there. Whenever you walked in, he'd go, No! And I thought that'd be a great way to start every link on the radio. So I'll try that. No.

Ironically, I went to Dublin the weekend. Did you? You know, I'm doing this Sky Arts Portrait Artist of the Year. Oh, yeah. You and Joan Beeple. I know I go on about it, but it's a very interesting project. I wasn't saying that. Well, do we ever? Come on.

How am I to interpret that? Other than some sort of slur. It's his comedy catchphrase. So what I discovered was that everyone was going on Aer Lingus. Oh, yeah. Which is the Irish airline. Aer Lingus. Oh, yeah.

Which is the Irish airline. But my manager, being my manager, had discovered that there was no business class on there. No club. He wouldn't have that. So I was on a plane, not on my own plane, but I was on BA. Everyone else was on Aer Lingus.

That's awkward, Frank. that's awkward yeah but I thought it's a bit Ambassador's Child in the limo on his own I know but I left it at that so we had a great day and then when we were coming back we went to our respective

we separated at the airport I went to my what I call a class funnel. And so we were both due to take off at 9 o'clock and my plane was an hour and 45 minutes late. And I couldn't help noticing it was Bastille Day. So I did feel like Marie Antoinette in the coach being scorned by the French mob.

She went down the street. A woman who'd once experienced such grandeur in her life and now brought down to this with a shaven head. In fact, not even a head, eventually. A shaven head and then soft. They're really shaved. I mean, when they shave it down to the shoulder, that shaving. So, I felt a certain social justice in me. Sorry, it was an accident. That was her last

words. Did you know that? Who, Marie Antoinette? That was her last words, because as she stepped up to the block, she stood on the, what do they call the chopper man? Oh, the executioner. Is that what they call him? Or the axe man? Yeah, the executioner. She stood on the, what do they call the chopper man? Oh, the executioner. Is that what they call him? Yeah, the executioner. She stood on the executioner's foot and said, oh, sorry, that was an accident. They were her last words. That was her last words.

Excellent. Are you sure? When she says sorry it was an accident, are you sure it was a reference to stepping on his toes? That's all I'm saying. Oh, did you think she meant that? Well, that's a time in your life when you feel quite nervous. That's all I'm saying. Oh, I thought think she meant that? Well, that's a time in your life when you feel quite nervous, that's all I'm saying.

Oh, I thought you meant a reference to the oppression of the French people. Oh, yeah, sorry about that, that's an accident. Like at school, when you say, I don't know what I was doing. What are you talking about? You didn't know what you were doing. You just threw that at that girl.

Yeah, I don't know. Oh, I didn't know what I was doing, holding your head and looking a bit wheezy, ridiculous. Now, here's a dilemma I want to run past you both. I was at Heathrow. I know I'm starting to sound like some sort of globetrotter. But basically I flew to Dublin. No, you're not.

You got on the A flight to Dublin. It's a surprise of me that you're spinning that basketball on your finger as well. That's a different story. I'm asking for my number as well. That's become a nervous habit. I don't know why I do that. So, well, it's... I didn't go on a plane until I was 33, so there'll be people listening to this in awe at the idea that...

No, there won't. Most people get on flights now. I know, but they'll be thinking Skinner went on Metal Bird that flew in Scott. That's what I'll be thinking. Yes. Who do you think this is playing to? Okay, Nostradamus is listening. He might think that.

Nostradamus was listening to this three weeks ago. He's good. I like to call him Nostradamu as well. Anyway, so I was at the airport and I saw this woman and she was a woman that you would, I mean, she was a striking woman. She looked like a model and she had like a, you know, she was dressed according to the weather in a small dress. Wearing now, in other words.

And she, I mean, she was a beautiful young woman. And she was struggling to close her suitcase. Oh, God. She was trying to put stuff, well, trying to get it all fixed in, but she kept looking really anxiously at the clock. And I could see she was in a state of clear distress and panic. I'll come back to this. What?

Yeah. So there's two policemen at the door. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So you were watching this woman stuffing the full pants into her over full suit. I think you'll find they're called whole pants. The full whole pants. She was really struggling over, but she was, this is my thing.

She was so good looking and sort of obviously sort of like sexy bird looking but I mean not in a not in a Robin Askwith confessions of a comedian but you know what I mean everyone who would have said women and everything would have identified with that I think but she was like you know

classy she looked like a stylish Milan catwalk model and I thought I can't go and help this woman even though she looks like she's in a panic and she can't get the thing all it means is someone else to hold the lid down but how can you go and help a woman like this without it looking like you're going all right darling and i think everyone everyone in heathrow would have stopped when i got when i approached that and gone oh yeah, in perfect harmony. Also, if she's refilling her case

I don't like the sound of you being you would have been sat there on the floor surrounded by Lacey Smalls. You'd be handling a Smalls, that wouldn't have been body creams. Lacey Smalls, the hip hop bloke. That was the less aggressive brother of Biggie Smalls.

Yeah. Well, yeah, but she was in a panic. And if it had been a bloke, or dare I say, a woman who was less sort of so obviously like model-like... A bit more subdued. I would have gone over and helped instantly because it was just... you just would. I know what you mean, Frank.

It does feel a little bit like the beginning to a rom-com. Well, I think it was seedier than that. It just looked like, oh, he's only helping her because... So I left her, left her to it. Missy applying. Serves you right for being so good looking. But did I do a... Was that morally wrong or should I have risked my...

No, because I think, to be fair, hot people, life goes their way on the whole. Yeah, generally speaking. They would have probably held the plane up for it. Of course they would have. Yeah, hot people. Well, we're all hot people at the moment, let's face it. Thanks very much. I think I'm looking good myself. Now!

Yeah, but I was talking about not the temperature. Did you have your little preview this week? How dare you? When she leaned right up I just got the same face. No, I didn't. We did... It's your new show, isn't it?

It's a dramatic experience, I must say. No, but I don't think you'll even say it, but I'm going to say it. It's called I Love My Country. It's your new show. It is.

And I want to know about it you know i'm wary about talking about my television work even though i've been talking about the sky portrait show but um you're doing a sky portrait show yeah do we ever sounds good um now i'm doing um well let's put it this way. On Monday morning, I went to Tower Bridge. Oh, sorry it was an accident. Yeah. And the driver said to me, I don't know where...

It's like I don't know where it is. Tower Bridge? Yeah. Yeah. I know it's quite a... I mean, I've got a pencil case with it on. But that didn't really help. It isn't part of a structured map on the list.

Anyway, I think it meant that he didn't know where... When you go to Tower Bridge, what do you do? It turns out there's a room in Tower Bridge where they have dudes. Oh, yeah. I've never been to it before, so we're actually in the bridge. I've performed in that room. Shut up! I have, yeah. Really? Did been to it before, so we were actually in the bridge. I've performed in that room. Shut up! I have, yeah.

Really? Did he ever? How'd it go? Not great. Oh, OK. It's a tough room. This is that moment when the bridge opened and the audience were on the other side. That might have helped.

Now, so I... So this was the context. I think I've mentioned this before I recorded a show back in December and it was it's one of these big Saturday night shiny floor shows

shiny floor entertainment for all the family you know, very me you are a man of the people yeah thanks so we did the press launch for it. So picture me sitting in a room in Tower Bridge, 9.30 on a Monday morning with 20-odd journalists

watching a Saturday night family entertainment show that I'm in. Oh. It was traumatic. Mm-hmm. And, I mean, I loved it. But when I say I loved it, Oh. It was traumatic. And, I mean, I loved it. But when I say I loved it, I thought I was... I think what I've come to the conclusion is I quite like me and stuff. And I wasn't completely convinced that everyone was with me in that respect.

But I'd say it's... Well, we'll maybe talk about a little more but it's it's one of those shows you know like splash if um if people don't like it people who haven't even seen it won't like it sure up frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Anyway, so that's it. It's a big proper Saturday night thing. Oh, OK. Well, you're not the only one who's been on telly.

So I understand. Did a little bit of TV work this week. Oh, listen to us. But people at home are saying I'm going off this programme. They used to be just like, you know, normal people sitting in a room. Now it's, I've done this and I've done that. Yeah. Apparently he was on a plane at the weekend. I love that you think that's glamorous.

I only frankly think that might alienate some of our readers. Going on a plane. Well, yeah, business on a plane. Yeah, but... Business on a plane well yeah business on a plane yeah but business on a plane business internal less less exciting film wouldn't be the snakes on a plane that's alan sugar's life story um so i was on this morning with this morning i don't know you squeezed it in oh we were here at seven o'clock with uh amy holmes and Ruth Langsford, his missus.

They do it when Holly and Phil are away. I have to say, I do love, I'm not just saying this because I'm on again next week, but I do love Eamon and Ruth. I was so unprofessional. After I'd done my chat with them, I got up and they were getting all busy for the next thing. And I went, do you know, I love you too. I don't think you're meant to say that. Kirsty Watt wouldn't say that.

But anyway, I was talking to Eamon about the hot weather. love you too i don't think you're meant to say that kirsty walk wouldn't say that but anyway i was talking to eamon about the hot weather and he said oh it's hot i better not do an impression he's a colleague now yeah but he said it was hot well did he go no no no what about me hot weather no no he's not like that he's got a very soft burn. No, I have. Can I ask a question, though? Yeah. Because is he on this morning in the studio in the full suit and tie? Yes. That's a lot of layers for this sort of weather. So he's the sort of person to ask about.

I believe that this morning listeners requested that he... See, they're listeners, not viewers. You see what I'm doing there? Because they like him to wear a suit and tie, I believe. Well, I've just done a two-week run at the Soho Theatre stand in a tiny room that holds 90 people that was like a furnace. I wore a suit. In fact, I wore the same suit throughout.

Oh, God. By the end of it, it was partly dissolved at the seam. Anyway. Anyway, so Eamon was talking to me about how i was finding this hot weather and then he said to me i love eamon then he said to me oh what's your view on um you know getting getting your bits out and what do you think about you never said showing the flesh he said showing the flesh okay i said what do you think about exposure are you pro or against it i said amen i go 100 exposure there was a pause well i think that's what they thought i know it got really

quiet in the this morning studio i said i didn't mean i and then i stopped and i said i wear underwear what did you mean i meant i'm-exposure as opposed to against it. I mean, you're allowed to show your flesh off. I didn't mean I wear nothing. No. But that's what it sounded like. That would be ridiculous. No.

But we cleared it up and it was fine. But we also talked about some of the tips. And I learned some tips about keeping cool in the weather. Because I noticed the Daily Mail had a big story, because they're very compassionate like that, about how you should keep cool in the weather. There was one that Amyy and i were discussing they said uh that you should lick your wrists because that's what monkeys do have you read about this i tried that did you what happened i'm amazed how soapy my wrists are i think i must wash my hands and then only rinse to the to the heel of the hand and then leave the cell they were really soapy i've got soapy wrists have you tried it it cools you down now go on

i was in prison oh what's he doing that's disgusting give one a good lick frank you said you said lick your wrist well I thought I'd better do it near the mic for the radio. I didn't think he was going to attack it like it was a lamb shank. Yeah, it's done nothing for... Actually, no, it's having a little impact. What does it taste of, your wrist? Alan. Just tastes of Alan. Alan?

Yeah, Alan. Oh, weird. It just tastes of wrist. Anyway, if you're out and really hot Lick your wrists that's what we're saying And It works great but remember If you're on a plane and you're hot Lick your wrists first

Before you lick your children's Lists Like with the oxygen thing It's freezing in here This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We're talking about Keeping Cool on Absolute Radio this morning Oh I went a bit this morning there

Did you like it? It sort of professionally introduced the topic without it being too intrusive Well we tried to lick our wrists and Alan Introduce the topic without it being too intrusive. Well, we tried to lick our wrists, and Alan made what I'll describe as quite a hideous sound effect whilst doing it. Has it worked for you?

Yeah, I'm freezing over here now. I imagine if I licked your wrists, Em, that they would have the bitter taste of perfume. Is that correct? Well, you'd be correct. And this morning, they'd have the taste of David Furnish. There's a bespoke fragrance... God, my wrists haven't tasted of David Furnish for many a year.

There's a Jo Malone fragrance created for his... Who's he? She's a perfumier. You remember? Macaulay Culkin was in it. Oh, I can't get far enough down the food chain to communicate with you both. Is the advice to not put aftershave or perfume on the wrist and then

lick away? Yeah, absolutely. But I remember when I first got to kiss girls and you'd think, oh, I'll lick her lovely soft neck and then there's a terrible taste, poisonous tang of perfume horrible well they didn't have nice perfumes back there in birmingham i'm sorry they're nice

i think they used to dab a bit of my mom's cola behind their ears what about a cousin what about a cousin i don't think that's legal oh i think it is legal but you don't like a cousin because that keeps you cool doesn't it what? What is a cuzza? A curry. Oh, I like a curry. You know I only like Papa Dom's and their attendant pickles. And that's it for me with the Indian food. I found another good one. You're meant to put your pillow in the freezer.

Now, someone told me to put my pants in the freezer. Oh. First of all... Now, someone told me to put my pants in the freezer. Oh! But there are... Is it fun? Well, first of all, I don't think I'd be able to eat any of that food that's in there after. I don't want to eat food that's been in a closed compartment with my pants. And also, the trouble is with the Calvin Classics, I don't know how they are at low temperatures. They don't stress test them in the Calvin factory, do they?

No, no, no. I don't think so. I imagine that they're made in very hot temperatures. They don't stress test them in the Calvin factory, do they? I don't think so. I imagine that they're made in very hot temperatures by small children. We should ask some of the Inuit population whether they're fans. Let me discover. Yes. Why has it gone quiet? I don't know. I've just got a

pencil and paper working that one out. Oh, I like a cucumber. Because what you do, you cut it into slices. I use them anyway for face packs, Frank. Oh, my mum used to do that. Yes, that cools you down. Sorry, I wish I'd have just been able to say that when you said I like a cucumber. It would have been one of the great moments in British comedy.

But, you know, timing is everything in this job, but I thought I'd chuck it in anyway. You can always do it in the edit. I mean, people at home, I presume people edit this at home for fun once they've got the podcast. You can do it on Photoshop. OK. Well, I was...

My girlfriend, Kath, said to me the other day, can you run the cold tap? So I did what I was told, as I usually do. And she took her pants off. Put them under the cold tap. And then rang them out and then put them back on again. And then she left. She's a genius.

It's, um... I was, um... I mean, we've been together for a long time. I've never known her before. It must be particularly hot. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio.

Frozen peas down the pants. Sorted. How are you spelling that? Says Colin. Frozen peas down the pants sounds a bit extreme. Oh, says the man whose girlfriend wet her pants. The bit I don't like about the frozen peas down the pants...

No, she didn't wet her pants. She elected to run them under the coal tap. And she's saying she's wearing a skirt. She just put them back on and went out and got into a cab, went to a show. The bit I don't like about the idea of frozen peas down the pants is that frozen peas wrapped in a tea towel are a very good press for, like, a sprained ankle or a sporting injury. Yeah. So if you put frozen peas down your pants is that frozen peas wrapped in a tea towel are a very good press for like a sprained ankle or a sporting injury. So if you put frozen

peas down your pants, to me it just looks from a distance like you've got a groinal injury. Yeah, but see, immediately I'm thinking, suddenly according to your logic, I've got a tea towel down my pants. And now I'm going to be drinking a cup of tea two days later and thinking, hold on

a minute. Do you just want to mix things like that in your life? Keep all these things separate. I liked in the Daily Mail, one of the tips was, put a bandana, put your bandana in the freezer. Put your bandana. Your bandana. You should, this wasn't in Kerrang. The Daily Mail readership is entirely people that used to subscribe to Kerrang!

That's who their target market is, didn't you know that? Well, I plucked my ears this week. Pardon? I plucked my ears. Oh, good. I usually, I've noticed, what I've started to do, because as you get older, your ears get a bit hairy. I don't think it's first time this

has been pointed out by a comedian and so what i do i just extend my shaving territory so when i shave i just keep going under the ears but then i realized that there's quite a lot of internal um and i thought this might make me a bit cooler in the hot weather if i get rid of this so what did you do so so i got some tweezers and just put them on. I couldn't see what I was doing, but I just went down deep and come out. Not so deep. Children listening at home with hairy ears. Actually, probably in Mexico.

But anyway, you know the Mexican wolf boys? Oh, right. Yeah. If they're listening, I doubt if they can even hear me through their hair. No, once they start plucking, it's a lifetime's work. But anyway, you were... How did you get on? So you plucked, not snipped?

No, I plucked quite a lot. Well, you have to do this all the time, to be fair. But do you know, this is absolutely true. I then walked home having done it. And where were you doing it? In the streets? No, I was in my office. At the I Love My Country press conference. Yeah, I thought that would be alright.

And I wanted to hear their comments distinctly. And then as I worked at it, I'm not making this up for comedy effect. As I walked home I couldn't keep in my earphones from my, you know I listen to audiobooks all the time. So I realised my earphones were getting a good deal of purchase from my ear.

No purchase now. And now they're just slipping in and out. Like a vine wrapped around a hedge or something. Yeah, exactly. That's what your earphones are like. You know how you used to lodge adult magazines in privet? That's how the earphones fit into my ears. Lovely metaphor.

Thank you so much. My basic method for keeping a bit cooler in the hot weather is I didn't wear a tie. I still wore a suit. That's good. But I didn't wear a tie. Lindsay suggests an umbrella hat doubles up as a shading device in the heat, but you would know that.

It gets sweaty under the elastic brim, mind. Do you know I received an umbrella hat in the mail this morning? How impressive. Did you? You should be wearing it. I'll identify the sender at some stage. But yeah, it's a very kind gift of an umbrella hat. That sounds good.

It's very much my collar. Sort of green and red. Goes with my teeth. Loitering around supermarket freezers. Oh. How does that work, really? That is a good call, actually. I've popped into shops I don't need to go in.

That's Red who suggests that. Yeah, I've bombed into shops I don't need to go in just for a bit of air con when wandering about town. Well, it's a bit cheaper than putting it on at home, isn't it? What about, if we're going to learn wrist licking from the monkeys, what about panting? That's what dogs do.

Oh, yeah. Were you panting when you were looking at that attractive girl? No, I was not panting. I was definitely not panting. I was thinking, oh, I'd like to help this fellow human being, but they're too attractive. It's a weird thing.

No, I like when dogs have the secondary panting as well as the... So they'll go... And then the tongue goes slightly back and they go... Can I say, I prefer pant two? It's a little less hysterical. Yeah, I think they go out. It's two settings. I like setting two.

So I'm really hot. And then there's an element of, that's better. They're not the stupid animals some people think they are. On the subject of your ear hair, we've had a tweet. I've never read a tweet in my life but emily's handed me her phone tell frank to go to a turkish barber and they will burn the hair out of his ears lovely sensation great shirt it is a lovely sensation you've had that done i've had that done several times yeah i mean my ear hair wasn't requested wasn't it some daniel craig torture

no it's when um you know when you go for a sort of a hot towel shave, like the full works, like, come on, man, shave me. No. You never had a hot towel shave? I remember when I was in the Raj, it used to be a regular thing. Uh-huh. A boy used to come and shave me at about three o'clock in the afternoon. Nice.

But that's a long time. He certainly never touched my ear here well go for a hot towel shave in a turkish barber and um and it's like a sort of almost like a a big candle thing so it's got a flame on it and what worries me is i get quite a lot of earwax and uh if if that ignites by the whole head coming off it will go up like tinder yeah i mean the, that could be. It could be a real problem. Like TNT in there. It will go up like Tinder.

Yeah, I mean, the whole face could melt. I could end up looking like Sarah Bright. Frank, we've had an email in. Read the cock crawl. 761, Morning Dream team. I want to congratulate the cock crawl for being funny under bizarre circumstances at the Levity Festival yesterday.

Patrick, the balding salesman from Peterborough. Hello, Patrick. He was fun, him. I liked him. What were the bizarre circumstances? Doing comedy in a marquee tent in a heatwave, I think, is probably what he means. Very hot.

Yes. Very hot. I elected not to wear shorts. Oh, my God. What I went for was- That was bizarre circumstances. I went for slacks and flip flops. That's what I've gone for. That's my keeping cool tip. Anybody out there that has to dress non-shorts, don't wear jeans cause-

Oh they're too hot. If I can say the word gosset on it, it gets too clammy down there. Let me check that. The gosset. Oh. Check the- No. Oh okay. Alright well it gets too clammy let me check that gosset check the uh no oh okay all right well that area gets clammy in denim really does clammy you can only say clammy if it's a pet name oh if you've got a hamster called clammy that's fine in that case i've got no keeping cool advice except for the fact that on his first week, I believe Bob did a thing that I thought only I did,

where he got a cold can of fizzy pop and pressed it onto his forehead to keep cool. Oh, I loved it when he did that. I thought that was just me. I really thought that was just me. Yeah, back of the neck, aren't you? Back of the neck? Yeah, back of the neck with a

cold can. Yeah. That's good. I thought that was just me. I really did. the net with a cold can. Yeah. That's good. I thought that was just me. I really did. But now it turns out everyone does that. When I was doing the Charles Atlas course. Oh, yeah. Your early bodybuilding career. Yeah, my early bodybuilding. I find it so heartbreaking. I actually can't bear to look. You had them sent to him in the post. I know. You saved up for them, didn't you? It was was terrible I was 14 or something I love it and he said you two could have a body like mine

but I didn't but I must have told you this before we had to keep two flannels in the fridge and you said

to get up in the morning and slap one on your gentleman's excuse me and the other one on the small of your back first thing every morning

really yeah I can still remember that excuse me, and you're the one on the small of your back. Oh, really? First thing every morning. Really? Yeah. I can still remember that. Oh, the dog panting. What did that achieve? The small, I mean, the gentleman's excuse me is just a good hygiene rule, but what did the lower back achieve? I don't know what the, I think it was just to invigorate the,

there was a lot of vagueness about Joel. He'd say things like invigorate the muscular system. It didn't really meet anything. Meet anything? Oh, maybe adverts to rescue us. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean, Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. We'd love to hear from you. Honestly, we get brilliant texts from our brilliant readers. You can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Absolute slash dot slash com com dot cash cash slash dash. You're doing really well, that, as well.

You sounded dead slick until then. Yeah, I just... Website addresses. He doesn't like all that. He's got people to deal with that for him. Who cares? Dot slash... We've had some real-life experiences of Turkish barbers. Oh.

Yeah? You want to hear about those? Of course. I went to a Turkish barber's in, maybe I shouldn't say exactly where it is, just in case, but in London once. Imagine if the show got sued by a Turkish barber. Be awkward.

Not only did he flame away my nose and ear hairs without warning, he also dabbed cologne on my neck and nipples. I felt violated. How do you do? Was this person... This is a man. This is from Ian Williams, yeah. But how did... How did he...

No, what I don't like is the thought of him just one swift move with the shirt. He just pulled it down. Or straight down the shirt front, because he's behind him. Maybe Ian was wearing a singlet. Oh, he came from behind, Frank. Maybe he was wearing a singlet. Octopus pulled it down. Or straight down the shirt front, because he's behind him. Maybe Ian was wearing a singlet. He was from behind, Frank. Maybe he was wearing a singlet. Octopus hands from behind. I've experienced those on holiday.

Maybe he went through the netting of a string vest. Maybe. And took them out. It's hard to say. This may not be the time to mention that you've had an invitation now. Hi, gang. I would like to offer Frank a visit to my wife's salon,

as she offers both ear and nose hair removal using hot wax. It's quick and simple, like me, my wife states. It is popular, as is intimate waxing. None. Leave it there. That's from Mark. OK. He says he's had all the treatments and survived.

Yeah, well, he gets them free, that's why. Give it thought, couldn't you? Yeah. I wonder if you could strip a strip of wax that went from one ear, went into each nostril and then went around into the other ear, like a big moustache, and then rip it off and do the whole thing in one go. Or from the sounds of it, you could with your earwax reservoir. Yeah, I don't need earwax. I've got my own. Do your own.

We also had an email in during the week that I think should be brought to your attention. My husband Andrew and I recently discussed... I'm reading the email, by the way. I'm not just telling you about my husband Andrew and I. OK. This is from Sarah Ferguson. It took a long time to get through. My husband, Andrew and I recently discussed who he may have married if he were gay. That sounds good for the marriage, doesn't it?

It's healthy. Well, I think you get to a point in marriage where you've used every conversation there is and then you start having to talk about stuff like that. But it's a good conversation. She continues, after many, many rejections of my suggestions, he explained that Frank Skinner's gentleness and excellent humour

would make him the only option considered. My husband adores football. He adores football, show tunes and reading. He's a good match-up for you. You too. You love a show tune, don't you? You're going to be hot stuff. If we were on computer dating, I mean, that would be the boxers team, don't you? You're going to be hot stuff. If we were on computer dating,

I mean, that'd be the boxes team, wouldn't it? You're right, Matt. Andrew. He is rather... He is rather intolerant of poor manners and doesn't like the words knickers or nipples to be used due to social standards being kept. Might not be enjoying this

episode. No, sorry about that, Andrew. I'd have knickers over panties. Would you? Not this weather, obviously. You'd have a hot gosset. Oh, don't mention that word. We both listen from here in Adelaide, and six months after emigrating,

it makes us feel closer to home but without the rain. Thank you, that is all, Jessica. That's lovely, isn't it? What a lovely revelation. Yeah. I think... Go on, Al. I was just thinking, I think you might be quite hard to live with

if you were the husband in this. Well, we'd both be the husband. Exactly. But would you both be the tidy... Would you both be the tidy sort of... Oh, God, I wonder what he's going to say. You've left that coaster with the stain on it or whatever. You'd need one person to be a bit of a slob

and one person to be the slightly tidy, wouldn't you? I don't think so. I think you may be basing this on your own marriage. I think me and Andrew could find a happy medium. I don't mean Russell Grant. I think you could, unless we lived in some sort of menage a trois. Russell Grant, can I remind you, when he did my star chart in the 90s. What did he say?

He said my career would last seven years and I'd never hold down a long-term relationship. With him. No, he didn't say with him. No, that's what he told me. Is that what he said? Quite a big thing to be told, though, isn't it? I was taken. I like the Andrew thing, though.

I'm going to think now about who I will marry if I marry. So I don't know. I've been corresponding with feared prisoner Charles Bronson for many years. But, you know, it's the proposal that never came. Oh, what a way to find out. Absolute, absolute radio way to find out. Thank you. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frallon. I know we... Pardon? Pardon? That's a portmanteau word for both of you. Word merger. Fallon. No, Fallon. Frallon.

Was there a Fallon in... In Dynasty. Yeah, there was, wasn't there? Yeah. I based my style on her. I know we don't read out praise, but there's certainly no danger of that with this. I'm not even going to say the numbers,

because I'm worried it might not end well. You all talk too much. Play some music and stop trying to out-cool each other. Wise words. Next. I think we were trying to give out cool-cool each other. Wise words. Next. I think we were trying to give out cool tips to each other, not be cool. See, he's been listening to my Charles Atlas anecdote.

He's just trying to be some sort of James Dean figure. Yeah, this guy that thinks it's trendy to keep saying the word gossip on radio. He thinks he's one of the cool dudes. This man has joined in, and I like that. I like a bit of people who interact. That's what Andrew said. Andrew told me that. It's not a programme for people who don't like to hear human beings talking to each other. We've also had a text in...

I'm sorry. From 567. Frank, do you have Ian with you today, sitting in a dark corner making notes on your DJing? Who's Ian? Is he a friend of Andrew's? Oh, Andrew brought him home one night. Ian, yes, I did a gig this week and... Is this previewing your new stand-up comedy show? Yeah, it was a work-in-progress gig and there was a man who had a large A4 pad and he was

writing down basically everything I said and he was in the front row and he had dyed very very blonde hair so he was not it's not that I wouldn't notice him. Right. Was he a reviewer? Was it David Van Day?

Well I wondered it. I hoped it could be David Van Day it turned Was it David Van Dyne? Obviously. Well, I wondered it. I hoped it could be David Van Dyne. It turned out it was Therese Bazar. No, it wasn't. I said, why are you writing that stuff down? You're a reviewer. And he said, no, no. I said, well, are you a comedian?

And he said, no. And I said, well, I suspect you are a comedian who's just come here for a new act and you're writing it all down and he said no no i'm just i just like to sort of uh just keep a record of the sort of arcs and that the comedians go on hocks so um anyway so we had this conversation and then and then he continued to do it after we'd had the conversation. And in the end, I went back, and it was putting me off a bit, and I said, please stop.

And he stopped. But then someone else told me there was another bloke in the same gig also writing everything down. So it's a worry, isn't it? But not in a critic way. No. I mean, I've had it happen at gigs I've done in the past where there have been, like, reviewers.

Yeah, but I asked him outright if it was that. It was just so blatant. It reminded me of when I took a sofa to the tip once and some blokes were waiting at the tip and they took the sofa. Me and my mate took it off the van. I thought they were helping us with it. They just took it and put it straight into their van.

It didn't even touch pavement. This material didn't get a chance to touch the floor. It had gone straight into Ian's act. So, yeah, it was very off-putting. And I think, you know, joke theft joke theft I think is worse than murder as a thing to do I think I'd rather so

well manslaughter at least manslaughter so it was very I didn't know quite how to unless I suppose I should have taken the book and read it but that would have been seemed very forcible behaviour. But I don't know.

If anyone's got any other theories as to what he could have possibly been writing down, I'd love to hear from you. And if Ian's listening, well, he's probably writing this down as we speak for his own radio show. Maybe it was a bucket list he was writing. Yes.

Well, he better hurry up. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Actually, on the subject of the attractive lady that you saw in the airport. In the terminal. I'm not going to keep on about it, but

something that we haven't spotted has been brought to our attention by Suzanne from Hartford. Frank, now you've pointed out that you couldn't help the attractive lady, anyone else that you ever do help with anything will know that you think that they aren't attractive.

That's a really good point. That's true. That's a really good point. I think they'll know that... I wouldn't say I wouldn't help someone who's attractive, but this woman was so knockout attractive that it was too much. So now if I help you, at best you're attractive,

but you're not very attractive. If he helps you, you're seven tops. Seven. No. Seven and a half. You could be a seven. No, not an eight. Seven and a half.

Not an eight, you say. You wouldn't help an eight. I don't think... I'd say she was probably a nine. Maybe I would have. Nine? I'd help an eight if it was a life-death situation. She's a nine.

I think she probably was, yeah. As you say, she can get her own help. Yeah. We have an email that I'd like to read out. Do it. I'm a podcast listener in Seattle, Washington. Wow. Which is coincidentally in the same region as the Chinook tribe,

which you've been talking about quite a lot recently in context of the helicopters Buzz is afraid of. Yes, my son, although he always points at planes and helicopters in an excited way, if a Chinook comes over, he cries. I'm not saying you're pronouncing it wrong, but I have to say I twitch every time I hear the word Chinook pronounced with a hard ch sound. I've only ever heard it pronounced sounding more like Chinook pronounced with a hard ch sound. I've only ever heard it pronounced

sounding more like Chinook. Second syllable rhymes with book. Oh, so Chinook. Book? Yeah. It's always possible. Do you mean book? Yeah. Did I say book? You did. I didn't. You did. You did say book. It's like Hilda Baker.

Trust me. Oh, boys, you're rubbing off on me. I can't believe I said book. So, Chinook. Can you believe that was a special Emily Goes Northern trailer? I said book. So, Chinook is what it should be. I care a lot about... Yeah, Chinook.

So, it's always possible that the original pronunciation is with a hard ch sound, of course. Ch. You're making a right picture. It is ch. Ch. Yeah, I said that. But having grown up in the region of, I can't even say it now, Chinook Winds.

Chinook, he said. Chinook Salmon. Chinook. Chinook Tribe, etc. I've never heard it said that way. Don't go changing for me. Do you mean changing? Don't go changing.

I like all of you and your show just the way you are thanks that's from andrea but i like um i like uh being corrected on pronunciation if that's so how do we say it then we should be chinook chinook well you know i was mispronouncing the word correct for ages and uh it's i was saying correct and apparently it's correct it's not it's quite subtle well i was going around saying book and apparently it's correct. It's quite subtle, isn't it? Well, I was going around saying book, and apparently it's book. But what about when you said discot? I know, I still feel a bit mortified about it. I still wake up thinking about that sometimes in the night.

Frank, what about when I said... Oh, what was it? Wine mariner. Yeah, but did I say wine mariner for the dog? And Frank went, oh. Why Mariner? Yeah. But did I say, why Mariner for the dog?

And Frank went, oh. Well, there was a bloke called Joe Grice being interviewed on the telly. He was obviously a very important man. He was talking about the recession and whether we're in it and how close we are and all that. He works for the Office of National Statistics. And he was talking. It's a big press conference. And he said, yes, he said,

I would say those figures have probably reached the plateau. And I thought, now, if you work for the Office of National Statistics, you must have to say plateau quite a lot, don't you? Those numbers. And he said plateau, and no one there said, ha-ha, he said plateau, Joe. No one's ever corrected him. That's right, isn't it? You know those moments when you say,

I never said, what are you talking about, I didn't say plateau, and you've just said it. Like when Emily denied she'd said... Book. I didn't know I'd said it. You said book. Yeah, but someone should have corrected Joe Grice every time he said plateau.

Should have been in this studio. Corrected. If you've got anyone, if you know anyone who always, always pronounces, mispronounces something. A word incorrectly. Let us know. Like my girlfriend, as I've told you, says Mewaisley. Does she?

And I keep saying it isn't that, and she still says it. It's not up there with Descartes, but it's bad. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio We're going to remain in email corner I believe Hi Frank, Emily and Alan I was listening to a podcast of the show and was intrigued to hear that Frank's dad carried salt in his pocket just in case

he was ever attacked This reminded me of a very eccentric of a very eccentric friend I once knew many years ago who had a three-year-old egg, uncooked and still in its shell that he kept handy in the house in case of a breaking. He called

it the organic grenade and claimed it had the power to blind an elephant on impact. If he knocked on his door after 10pm, he would always answer with the egg ready in his hand. Blimey! I'm not sure what happened to him

before he's still around. The egg would be in its late teens now. I'm just wondering if blinding potential attackers with dangerous food substances may be the new My Favourite Mug discussion. Probably not. Keep up the wonderful work, you lovely humans.

That's nice, isn't it? You lovely humans. Oh, thanks, Spencer. Could be a great texting. Oh, the organic grenade. Yes. I mean, sort of homemade weapons. Yeah.

Could be a good texting. Well, I constantly have a sachet of English mustard in my breast pocket, so that if anybody punches me... In powder form, or...? In liquidy form pocket so that if anybody punches me... In powder form or...? In liquidy form so that it sprays... Can you still get mustard in powder form? Oh, I've got some English...

Oh, yeah, comments. Yeah, some mustard powder. That'd be good to have in the pocket for blowing. Yeah, that would... Do you know, though, I think you'll die. I'm not about... Can I say points of absolute desperation when you're being attacked?

I'm not about just... Absolute desperation is a new channel they're launching in a week or two, I think. Yeah, I'm the DJ on that. It's the new brand. But, you know, I think it has hit something of a... Well, struck a chord with our readers, because I've had a few people mention their parents used to do that as well.

I say parents, always the dad. Well, my friend... What, the mineral egg? No, the salt. Oh, the salt in the pocket. My friend Scouse Tony, I think it was always the dad. Well, my friend... What, the mineral egg? No, the salt. Oh, the salt in the pocket. My friend's Scouse Tony. I think it was a regional dad's thing. Because his dad, I think, might have done that.

Yeah, well, if you remember, there was a song about it, Chrissie Hynde. Salt in the pocket? Da-da-da-da. God, salt. Da-da-da-da. In pocket.

Do you remember? Is that brass in pocket? Oh, God. Yes, it was. Do you remember? Is that brass in pocket? Oh, God. Yes, it was. Thank you. Thank you for deconstructing. My brother always says chimblee

instead of chimney. Oh, yeah, that was for everyone I knew used to say chimblee. But they're from Kidderminster. And my sister-in-law used to say chimdee,

which is odd. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank is odd. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm going to be honest. I thought we were a bit optimistic when we began

a text in, do you use table condiments as possible defensive weapons? It's not just table. I'm interested in any improvised weaponry. Morning, Frank and team. I make sure my wife has a Kinder Egg toy holder filled with ground pepper to break open

and throw in the attacker's eyes. That's not true, is it? I don't believe him. Trust me when I say it works. Cheers from Paul and Kent. That's what he's claiming. Well, I've got... I make sure my wife...

From the fruit basket of England I make sure my wife carries an empty pickle jar just full of the vinegar to throw in No, I'm just going with the condiments thing Kath just hits him across the face with a pair of slippery wet pants When I was

in my childhood there used to be a thing. Do you remember we had Neil Gaiman on as a guest a few weeks ago? I do. He has his jackets made with a large inside pocket for his notebook. Yes. For when he has writing ideas. There used to be a similar thing that people used to have a large pocket inside their coat

and they used to have a cat in it. No. And if they were off to get someone, they'd just, you'd throw the cat at their face and the cat clings on. This was the West Midlands in the late 60s. I thought that was a set-up. I was waiting for you to come inside.

No, no, it's a real, that's a real thing. Can I say, please don't do this because it's unkind. I don't like a cat in the pocket i think there was a pretender's song i used the word cat got cat in dear frank et al please settle a 30-year argument between my wife and i oh this will be good i'll just get into my chair should scone notice my pronunciation there be pronounced like gone or own cheers and don't let me down now i said i would always say scone i think scone is a slightly aspirational thing people think posh people say it but they don't well judging by your pronunciation of book i'd say you could probably call it scone

i i don't i don't know the answer to this can someone someone posh text in? All I would say is the stone of scone. Moss surely rhyme with stone. Because the stone of scone just seems like a waste of time as a title. Is that a song? The stone of scone? Isn't it a Scottish... Is it a poem? It's a Scottish...

What important thing that's on the throne? It's to do with being king or something. It's very important. Oh, I'm so sorry. But can someone posh who's a Scottish... What important thing that's on the throne? Yes, it's to do with being king or something. It's very important, yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry. But can someone posh who's schooled... If you're posh, you'll know what that means. If you're schooled, can you text in, please? For what?

I'd like to know about this pronunciation of scum. Oh, speaking of the man with the egg, it reminds me a bit of... Have you ever read Niall Quinn's autobiography? Quinino, as I called him um and uh niall quinn tells a brilliant story about an uncle he had and he said he never married and he said what he used to do he went to the pub every night without fail and when he got in you know when you get back from the pub he was got a lot of change in your pocket he used to throw the

he used he had a room in his house and with carpet and he used to throw the change on the carpet. And then he used to get a golf club, and he used to spend the rest of the night, when he got back, into the early hours, driving this change off the carpet into the wall, and the soft plaster on the wall, it would stick in. So he had a wall that was covered in change sticking into it that he'd driven into the wall. And he told this story. And remember the last sentence of it all was, as I said, he never married.

But it sounds brilliant. I'd love to do that. Frank, monkeys do also throw excrementrement so taking advice from the simian world has some drawbacks yeah i just say you're aware yeah do they they do do that yeah i wish they wouldn't do that frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio i'm going to begin reading an email here. Dear Frank, I've been a fan of yours since inadvertently catching an episode of Badil and Skinner Unplanned many years ago. I like the use of inadvertently. I enjoy that too.

It's a little difficult to find shows in which you feature where I come from. Oh, perhaps that's what it is. England. I don't know yet. where I come from. Oh, perhaps that's what it is. England. I don't know yet. Thank goodness, then, for the Absolute Radio podcast,

which gives me the opportunity to hear you and the rest of the team regularly. I'm in London at the moment, in the midst of a little Europe sojourn, while my hometown of Melbourne in Australia is cold, rainy and miserable. So he's from Melbourne. Can I just say I like Europe sojourn

rather than European Sojourn. Yes. Sounds like he's a big fan of the band Europe. It's a Europe Sojourn. Are they still going? The final countdown. Oh, Joey. OK.

He came on this show some time ago, didn't he? Yeah, we did have him on. While I was in Rome, I of course took the opportunity... Did he do what the Romans did? I think he took the opportunity to visit the Vatican Museums. Good man. On my journey there, I came across a street vendor. What do you think he should be selling?

Umbrella hats. Can you imagine my joy? I never dreamed that I should see one of these elusive items with my own eyes. Truly, I believe it was indeed a miracle. I have one for you as a gift, which I shall send to Absolute Radio. Thanks for the entertainment. Best, Matt Bradshaw. You know what, Matt?

It's arrived this morning, and it's a beauty. It is. It's sort of autumnal colours. Oh, the colours. Often they're a bit garish. They let themselves down. That's why they're not taken seriously. Too much red and purple, whereas that is...

Is it unlucky to open an umbrella hat indoors, or is that a bit different from having an umbrella hat? Well, we'll soon find out. Hats have got a caveat in the health and safety rules. Do you know what I like about this? You're not going to look remotely eccentric. You're assuming I'm going to put it on? Please do.

OK, we'll put it on, but I don't know if it's great radio. No, but I'd like to see it. Well, it's never stop just doing anything before. Okay, I have on my umbrella hat. It might be quite good in the shade, though, and couldn't it work this weather as well? You've got to look

beyond Borg in a bit of a shower. Beyond Borg in a shower. And readers, can I tell you, yeah, there's a style at Keith Richards' bandana, but I might start doing that because the lighting concept is kind. I'm going to carry that round with me. I think that I might

be selling this near the Vatican because it's a sort of way round the no contraception rule. Because I'm fairly confident I'll never get anyone pregnant whilst wearing this hat. That's definitely certain. Definitely certain.

Can't argue with that. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cockerill.

You can text us at 8-12-15 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on the radio with a fell-fie-fo-fo-fum or you can email us through the good old

Absolute Radio website. While you're there, why not have a look at some of the presenter profiles? Is that what you do? Do you look at them sometimes? No. Now that enemy. We've had a missive in from Spencer, the chap who

knew the chap who carried the dangerous egg. Frank, Emily and Alan, it's Spencer here again. Just wanted to add, the friend I who carried the dangerous egg. Frank, Emily and Alan, it's Spencer here again, just wanted to add, the friend I mentioned with the dangerous egg also had books on South African bees and claimed that with enough time and effort he could rob a bank with a well-trained swarm.

True story. Maybe that's where he is now. Well, I don't know, but I suspect we might read about him in the Daily Mail. I'd like to know. Fairly shortly. I think that... He sounds a bit unhinged.

Spencer might be getting a visit from him. He's not careful. He sounds volatile. Is he strung out? He sounds strung out. There'll be shouts, and then he'll put his head out the window and be eaten by a 15-year-old killer egg. I don't have a care.

We were talking about mispronunciation of words as well. My husband's van windscreen was smashed and the policeman that came to take the statement pronounced Peugeot Peugeot, as in posh sauce. He said it at least six times and we found it very difficult to not crack up.

It is difficult. Also my mother pronounces theatre which sounds oddly posh, as she is from Lewisham. That's Vanessa. I was in a band, I remember, back in the 70s. Was it the 80s? And we were rehearsing at this place and there'd been complaints about the noise and the police turned up. And the copper decided to be a bit community policeman dance at the festival type of a cop-out.

Oh, yeah. And he said, are you doing any jigs at all? No. Of course, we couldn't say, what are you talking about, you idiot? Or we'd have been in big trouble. Frank, we do actually need to talk about JK at some point. Can I point out that my dad also used to say Somerset Maffam, for Somerset Mormon.

I love him for that. I've mentioned that many times, but I do love it. I love him. And antiquity for etiquette. Whether it's as bad as Descartes. My problem is I've only ever read philosophy. I've not been taught it. I'm self-educated in that way.

Didn't you have the oral tradition? Badly self-educated. He didn't have the oral tradition in his university. No, really? I went to public school. It was all the rage. We need to talk about JK. Do you want to talk about him?

Yeah. No, it's not a 90s wine bar. Okay. I shouldn't say that on Absolute Radio. No. He's probably liking me. He might be hosting. We should check.

He won't get his hat through the door. He'll have trouble with those horns. Does he still wear that? I wonder what happened to that. That'd be a good piece of pop memorabilia, JK's hat. What happened to that hat? I'd like it if he put it on. You know when Marilyn Monroe used to walk down the street and say,

shall I be her? Oh, yeah. I wonder if JK does that and puts the hat on. Shall I get the hat? Yeah. I bet he's probably doing personal appearances and he's saying it's extra 80 quid if I wear the hat. We'll drive south.

We'll do last minute, we'll drive south. And if we can get the sunroof open, I'll arrive in hat. Why didn't I think of the hat thing? The hat thing could have been my pension. It's too late now. Maybe the umbrella hat. I'd love it if you had to do your sandal wearing that hat. I could wear the umbrella hat, you know.

That's a classic Rihanna lack of faith in the material. No, not that, JK. Tother, JK. This is my new northern persona. How's it going? It's good. Boop, Tother. No, because it turned out, well, she's written a book,

and we didn't know she'd written it. JK Rowling's written a book? Yes, but it was... Hold the front page. Not hold the front page of the book, obviously. What was it called again, Frank? Was it The Cuckoo? It's got cuckoo in it.

A cuckoo's calling. Is it? Yeah, a cuckoo's calling. That's what Frank says when I ring the house. But you thought this was this person called Robert Galbraith. Turned out it was J.K. Rowling. I think it's brilliant that J.K. Rowling is operating under a pseudonym. Anon de Plume.

Well, because she knows if she puts a book out it'll sell millions. Yeah. And she thought I just want to see if I can do it without using my famous name. It's brilliant. Well it turned out she couldn't though. Well unless it sold worse than she thought so she leaked it. What I'm saying is it was

4709 in the charts. It's now 1. 4709 I think texted us. Ha ha ha. 4709 in the charts. It's now one. 4709, I think, texted us. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Welcome to the outside world. On the Peugeot pronunciation question, where does the R come from that most people squeeze in? Peugeot.

I always ask if Peugeot has an R in it to anyone who says it incorrectly. I like people say it. That's 745. I always ask if Peugeot has an R in it to anyone who says it incorrectly. I like people say it. That's 745. I always... Like, if anyone ever says to me... You know, people say, well, it's like anything, isn't it? I always say, well, is it like that? And then point to some inanimate object.

I think that's a good way to train people. Yeah, you do. You've picked me up on that. Train people! That's some horrible camp. I don't like training me. How dare you? OK.

My health visitor kept saying you can't give babies brazzlenuts. It took me ages to work out brazilnuts. She's right, though, you can't give babies brazzlenuts. It's a good rule. It's a good rule. I like this JK Rowling thing. And I'm not entirely convinced that she's not pranking us again. And I'm not entirely convinced that she's not pranking us again. Like, what if she's actually mates with the genuine writer Robert Galbraith and they were at a literary festival one day having a drink after a reading

and he went, oh, it's really tough being number 4,709 in the book charts. And she went, I'll fix that for you. And then she's gone. That'd be good. Yeah, I wrote this. Yeah, if she's saying just be me. Be the perfect crime. What are you, be me? Like she could just use her power to give all her mates who are writers a little leg up by saying I wrote that.

I wonder where she got that name from though. You could do better than that. Robert Galbraith. Bobby G. She should have gone like Annie Potter. She should have called herself Potter She should have called herself She should have called herself David Van Dyke What about Debbie Hallows? Oh lovely

Give us a bit of a clue They said They said one of the reasons That you know people are coming out now Saying oh we were suspicious We always thought Oh yeah But one publisher had said

Oh we were suspicious Because she described women's Or he As they thought it was at the time, described women's clothes far too well and in too much detail. Well, I do that. You do. And Karl Lagerfeld does that as well. It could have been him.

Yeah. I don't think they knew. No. It is a Scottish tradition, of course, because Sir Walter Scott, his first novels were written anonymously Is that correct? Yeah I think there was a big literary dinner because he was known as a poet

there was a big literary dinner in Edinburgh and he says oh and by the way I wrote the Waverley novels Wow! Good one, I bet that's what she had lined up, that she'd get some award for something else You know you want your big announcement but you know when it leaked by your bank or whatever it was happened in this

thing is that what happened i used i used when i stayed in hotels and when i was famous i used to i used to use a false name so that people didn't uh track me down did you i used it for also if ever i needed a false name you're not gonna go to go into too many details. Oh, yeah, it's Greg Ashford. For many years. What a terrible choice. Do you not like Greg Ashford? I was quite pleased with him. I mean, I've got a celebrity friend,

and he chose Lord Greystoke, which I should be careful because he might still use that. Oh, yes. But that's brilliant. That's romantic. That's Greg Ashford. Yeah, but that's stolen from Edgar Rice Borres, at least. Mine was...

Original material, I'll say it was. Exactly. That was probably Ian, with the book, was probably at one of Edgar Rice Borers' gigs. And he wrote that down. Love to hear from Ian. I want a full explanation. You're keen, aren't you?

I mean, I think it's about... This is probably an appos opposite moment for me to tell you that I wrote Fifty Shades of Grey Oh you old EL Yeah Were you helped by your friends in the SNM community? Well I think you have to draw from what you know

but the publisher said to me if we put this out under your name it'll just be like a sexist diatribe, if we pretend you out under your name it'll just be like a sexist diatribe if we pretend you're a middle aged woman it's going to sound like an interesting expose of the inner thoughts of females and you know looking back he was

he was spot on female unit that's one of mine and um Heidi also I did that one. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I was thinking about the J.K. Rowling. It reminded me of when, you know, all those things you used to do as kids.

You used to have those books written by, like, mathematics by Adam Opp. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And My Red Bottom by Bob Oon. Happy days. Pain Relief by Anne L. Giesig. Anyway, I was on the internet. Are you aware of Jane's Addiction, the band? I thought you were going to say you're aware of the internet then.

And the lead man is called Perry Farrell. Oh, I know. And for the first... You know, we're used to the thing on the show about idiotic eureka moments when it takes you years to work out a gag or a pun or whatever. Perry Farrell, it turns out, is a pun. Perry Farrell.

Peripheral. I'm peripheral. Oh. And I must have said his name 10,000 times. Perry Farrell Vision. Yeah. What, is he in the... Do they have a vision mixer on stage or something?

He's not the ambassador for Specsavers, no. It's a tricky pun, though, isn't it? Perry Farrell. Well, he's a tricky character, I imagine. Oh, is he? He's quite an outrageous front man. Is he? Aren't we all?

You'd have thought he'd be off to the side, wouldn't you? What does that mean? Peripheral. Oh. It's a bit worrying, because he often wears tights on stage. I wonder what the hell you were getting at. Our readers have been in touch. Good.

John has texted us. Hi, hi chaps just a quickie just a quickie oh i think i know this boy he's a nice friend of mine okay yeah um just a quickie to talk about odd wordage i remember watching an interview with film review star barry norman he was saying how he liked nothing more to relax in the evening with a good film and a pizza. I really love pizza, he continued. It took a bit of time to work out that his dream evening involved film and pizza. Sorry, Baza, that is just odd. Somebody should have told Barry.

Hi, John, by the way. Why don't people? But back then they might not have known. Well, no, I keep telling Kath about me. I sleep because I don't do that about you so perhaps people did tell Barry I think a researcher at the BBC might have said something they had other stuff to worry about

we had a text in from Ian as well no not really but it's re Ian I've been to comedy gigs and had a hilarious night but the following day I can't recall why the comedian was so funny as there was too much

material to remember. Perhaps that's why Ian was taking notes so he could tell his chums why you were so funny. Hmm. Maybe. What do you think AC, the AC as you're known as? Absolutely. I'm not

sure I am but I now an absolute. Am I? I'm not sure I am, but I now dread being. I think that he should just use the memory. Yeah, that's what he should use. And just devote to the actual experience. Get in amongst it. I mean, it's rare that I say this sort of thing, but join in.

Well, I think the way to do it is to say I saw Frank Skirring as absolutely hilarious, and if you want to know what the jokes were, why don't you go and see it too? Buy a ticket, yeah. Anyway. How to Get Rich by Robin Banks, 904. Oh, yes.

We're going to get loads of these now, Frank. Yeah, sorry, I've started a terrible thing. What? What is it? That's one of those comedy books. Oh, I just read it. I thought it was a song request. There was a DJ called Robin Banks.

There was, yeah. And there's Rob Da Bank as well. That's what I think I thought. Rob Da Bank. I was thinking, yeah, what place would it be for classics? I have to say I'm a bit disappointed today. Go on, why? Well, because I had some official ruling from Absolute Radio. Did you? What was it?

They said at any time during your show, you could have to suddenly go over to Sandy War for the Royal Baby announcement. Oh. And I thought, because if it happens, obviously they don't trust me to announce it. They need a professional. Right. So I'm to say nothing. I'm to say...

People would be expecting a punchline from you. I mean, I'll be so excited if it happens. I'd be going... We're over to Sandy White, wouldn't we? And then Sandy says, you know, in her authoritarian town, not authoritarian town, but you know what I mean, she has gravitas. Statitive.

She has gravitas, and then she announces it. And I think that would do it i was looking forward to it as a real moment but i doesn't i don't feel it's going to happen now do you well camilla gave a bit of spoiler alert she said it'll be she's hopeful it'll be with us by the end of the week that was said yeah but how can you know unless it's saturday already i think we you know it could have come back from Sandy, we could have all had cigars and a bottle of champagne, and then I would have been able to blame that baby

for starting me for drinking again. And I think he or she would have owed me in later life, if I'm around in their later life. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, no raw baby news is what we're saying.

No. I was reading the Metro this week, and it said that David Beckham backed them to be amazing parents. Did he? So you can bet on that, apparently. I wonder what the odds are on them being... Can you give me the odds on Kate and William being amazing parents? I like the quote where the Queen was asked by a schoolchild,

oh, which would you prefer, a girl or a boy? And she said, I don't mind, really, just as long as it's before my holiday. I love the Queen for that. She's getting a bit impatient, I sense. Well, I think it's just that the royal sweepstake doesn't take gender into... It's all about the date, isn't it?

So she's like, I just want it to be before my holiday. And she knows if that happens, then I'm up for, like, 15 quid out of the royal family sweepstake. I think she's booked those non-flexible EasyJet tickets as well. And they're a nightmare to try and change those. It's the flip side of the death list, me and my mates used to do, and you had to guess which celebrity would die first that year. You used to get double money if they were under 40.

Racing car drivers always got back. But since the new safety measures, it's a waste of time. Camilla says we've been waiting by the phone. She says that's all they do now. What, for for personal appearance I've been doing that for 30 years but she says that's pretty much all they do I feel sorry for Camilla because we should say it's actually Camilla's birthday today is it from what I understand should we say that well yes because they mentioned it and they said working with Giles Brandreon or something so connected with the royals no because they were talking about this and what if it's born on your birthday and she smiled and

pretended to be happy but i don't think she was that would steal your thunder that would be terrible what are we doing now we're going we're going to the pub we go for something to eat no we've got to go to westminster abbey that's what she's have to do but some there was a another quote from the queen in that thing that the queen was given a hamper you know i imagine she's got she's got a few hampers in a time and it was from the cumbrian chamber of commerce collective and included um dams and gin oh yeah she said she liked the sound of that didn't she it's got to be got to be a... If you looked at Mail Online, I bet there's an American actress called Damson Jinn. Anyway, the Queen said, oh, I like that, I'm going to keep that for myself.

And it said it got a lot of laughs. Even Daisy laughed at it, and that's me. I don't think I did it credit. But can you not laugh at the Queen's jokes? Is that allowed? That's treason. If the Queen said, oh, I like looking at the dams and gin, I'm going to keep that for myself, and you went,

well, that's all for you. Yeah. The whole thing's for you. I don't know what you... If you did that, you're still allowed to be hanged. Is that right? Yeah, that's treason. I think you have to burn Her Majesty's shipyards.

Is that right? I believe that's a thing. But you don't have any choice. When I met the Queen, I was falling about laughing at everything she said. You've properly met her, you see. I'm so jealous of you. I haven't made physical contact because there was a glove. But we were very close.

I got a couple of laughs out of the Queen. I've been in her garden. She's probably having the same conversation at the palace after. Can you not laugh at Frank's jokes or is that you in big trouble if you do? She's busy writing down all your material. That's what I heard. I don't think she writes herself does she? I think she has a court stenographer

comes to the gigs. That's a bit of a clatter. Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio A long time ago Frank you did a bit of stand-up that I still recall quite often about the two words that make any story believable

are in America. Yes. And I think we're returning to those pastures. There's a story... It's not the man hiding in the latrine. No. I appreciate that's the best story ever, but never mind. You told us that off-air last week and I don't think we should discuss it. It's not breakfast, tell you what. I appreciate that's the best story ever, but never mind. You told us that off-air last week, and I don't think we should discuss it.

It's not breakfast television. I'm writing. It's not any breakfast television. Terrible moment, and I call it breakfast television. Some terrible flashback to my golden age. He's not even in school yet, loves cotton candy ice cream, and would rather go fishing than debating. But four-year-old Robert Bobby Tufts commands a great deal of respect in one US town.

In fact, he's the mayor. He's the mayor of a town and he's four years old. In Minnesota. In America. There you go. There you go. It's believable, isn't it? Do you know Robert Tufts? No, but that's true.

Minnesota, that's where Neil Gaiman resides. Is that right? Really? So he's being bossed around by a four-year-old? We don't know. It says it's got a population of 22 to 28. Is that right? Really? So he's being bossed around by a four-year-old? We don't know. It's a small... It says it's got a population of 22 to 28. Blimey. It also says...

That's a small place. That's a house. He's the mayor of a house. That's weird for those adults that are being bossed around by a four-year-old. What's wrong with them? Some of the major acts that he's done, it says he's made ice cream top of the food pyramid. I didn't know the mayor had the power to construct the food pyramid. What is the with them? Some of the major acts that he's done. It says he's made ice cream top of the food pyramid. I didn't know the mayor had the power to construct the food pyramid.

What is the food pyramid? I don't know. How can he move it around? Boris never tells us about the food pyramid, does he? But what is it? I'm not familiar with the phrase, the food pyramid. Is it like when they talk about those rice mountains and... I don't know.

Maybe it's food he likes best. He wears a fedora. Oh, that's probably what it is. That doesn't bode well, does it? I have to say, the picture of him in the fedora... I don't like children in hats. It gives me the creeps. I think felt hats generally. I think anyone who has a signature fedora,

that's up there with someone who smokes cigars. Or drives a convertible. He looks a bit like the scary dwarf that's in that series Carnival. Oh, yes. With the hat on. And was also in Twin Peaks. You haven't seen that. Do you know, I also was... His eyes looked a bit drunk with power.

And I know that look because I had it when I was in Dare the Triffids. I can imagine. I had it when I was five and I was the mayor of West Yorkshire. Did I not mention this to you all? No. It's weird echoing my life. Did you have a signature fedora? Yeah.

I had a signature kiora, I remember. In that period. And I found it was a bit too orangey for crows. But you know, Ronnie Wood wouldn't touch it. I don't know really how this happened, but it feels like it's all done from love and kindness.

They all think he's a bit of a character. I just hope the parents aren't a bit Britain's Got Talent, a bit BGT. Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of power for one so young, as you say. It's better than being a mayor over here, though, isn't it? Yeah. He doesn't have to eat a lot of substandard three-course meals and pretend they're brilliant. And wear the big chains. The big chains.

And have what I call a trade union haircut. I don't like those haircuts. Do you know those sort of men in the 70s? I call them trade union haircuts. John Prescott's got one. Oh, yeah. Yeah? You're familiar with it?

Mm-hmm. Well, they're all local councillors, aren't they? Yeah, hence trade union haircut. They do tend to smell of tobacco. Maybe that's stopped now. Mm. But there's something about them, mate. I've been at so many events where people are just dressed normally

and there's a man in an enormous chain and sometimes in an ermine gown. And it's thought to be completely acceptable. We have a mayor, can I point out, on the first episode of I Love My Country. Do you? Because he's, in some parts, where was this? Anyway, it's somewhere just north of London in the home counties. Lovely. They used to think the mayor was living it up a bit too much

on the local council's money so he was weighed when he became mayor and then weighed at the end of the year to see if he'd been This is my worst nightmare I can never be mayor Perhaps we could bring it in on Absolute Weekly weigh-ins

Oh I would hate that He had a lovely ornamental scales Perhaps we could bring it in on Absolute. Weekly weigh-ins. He had a lovely ornamental scales. And a town crier came on and shouted his weight. Imagine that. You'd kill that town crier. We've also had a few texts in and an email. We had a good text that I was going to read to you, and that I will, in fact, about mispronouncing words.

A woman doing a business presentation at uni called the fax machine the fashy smiley. She used to be a newsreader on Absolute Radio. Oh, I think it's like Simile. When it was first around. What about this one, Al, as well? 235. Hi, Frank and the gang. Water has started dripping from the flat above my house this

morning but I don't have access to their front door. What would you do? I think legally you can well you could kick the door in. Don't quote me on that. No don't do that. You could you could get the. I hate it when he goes Birmingham

rough justice. No I think that the the fire brigade will kick a door in in a me on that. No, don't do that. You could get the... I hate it when he goes Birmingham rough justice. No, I think that the fire brigade will kick a door in a case like that. So what we're saying is call the services. Call the fire brigade. Yeah. OK, Chris in Liverpool, let us know how you get on. That will be good for next week. That might end up in email corner next week when he sends us one of his long emails from a jail cell.

I'm sure you're not supposed to just sit and let your house be devastated by water from above. Hmm. Okay. Hi Frank, Emily and Alan. I say sure. I mean, maybe. Hi Frank, Emily and Alan. From years of listening

to the show, I've always managed to download the podcast, spending many happy times walking my chocolate Labrador, Rolo. Oh, see what he's done there? Or she. Chocolate Labrador, and they're called Rolo. It's nice, isn't it? Because it's chocolate.

Yeah. Unless it's an acronym, like Rover Only Lives Once. That listens to your internal thought process. You've offended quite a lot of Buddhist dog lovers who listen to this show. Often keeping your podcast to listen to is my favourite time of the week. Last week I had to undergo a hip resurfacing operation. Whoa. I feel your pain.

That's either really painful or it's a sort of very, very trendy, cool makeover. It was real hip resurfacing. As my desired choice of pain control was to be spinal anaesthesia. Oh. I wonder if she's read Anna L. Giesek's book. This sounds awful, this story. I hope that wasn't how the anaesthetist prepared for the operation by reading that. It's not awful, Frank. I would be totally awake during the procedure.

I was encouraged to bring along an iPod or similar that would help me relax during the operation. I had no hesitation with my choice. In fact, eagerly awaited the time that I could lie on my side, listening to the banter with Badil, without any of the distraction of the drill, saw and hammers in the background. Post-op, I look forward to restarting walks with my best friend. Just a short note to say thank you.

Gwyndaf. Oh, lovely Gwyndaf. Gwyndaf. Is that an acronym as well? Brilliant in Lord of the Rings. Who'd have thought that all that, you needed a hip resurface? Sounds extremely painful.

I wonder if they'd allow you... As you know, I'm trying to repopularise the ghetto blaster. If they said, why don't you bring in an iPod, are you all right with a ghetto blaster? Would that be OK? Would it be, I mean, the shoulder's fine. It's only the hip that's the problem. I will do it. I will get it back.

I'm getting one. I'm going to walk with really, really loud music blasting out on my shoulder. Enough. So, um, thank you. You okay? I'm fine. Enough. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't

rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening. I love you all. Now get out. I said now get out. You as well. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.