The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Kimchi

Episode Date: May 31, 2014

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner Show. I'm Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank this morning. He's still on his holidays. It's all gone a bit lottery winner. He spends, spends, spending. You know, I think it's since he got that Doctor Who part and he thinks it's like getting a part in a movie. It's not really like that. They get equity minimum. They do it for the love of it, these people. This morning I'm joined by the ever-lovely Cockrell. Morning. And, oh, I like that. It's quite like you were on Good Morning Britain.

Morning. Morning there, Susanna. Morning. And Steve Paul in the house. Good morning, Emily. Good morning, Alan. Morning. Oh, it's very formal this morning on Absolute Radio. We should see... I've overheard very little cricket commentary, but I think we've tipped it into that.

To extend the formality, you can text us this morning on 81215, or you can follow the show on Twitter. How do they do that, Cockroll? Twitter avoiding Cockroll. Is it at Frank on the Radio? Very good. I should say, the Cockroll doesn't... He doesn't have a Twitter account, does he, Steve?

But he is what we call a lurker in the business i do uh i do read it sometimes you know i have a look at what the conversation is about zeitgeist yeah didn't someone launch a fake account for you did have an imposter but uh oh i'm so jealous you had a fake account i had an imposter in fact it was steve hall in the house that alerted me to it by saying uh didn't you send me a text or an email saying i'm pretty sure you've got a Twitter imposter because you've tweeted and put lol at the end. Given that I know you and that you would not do that. And given that, much like David Cameron,

you think it means lots of love. That's exactly it, yeah. And then they put a sort of vaguely misogynist joke, which isn't me either. Well, that's not you at all. Did it say there are four ugly girls in a bar and i didn't know which one to choose i'm sorry i apologize profusely your first tweet would have to be something like i have officially lost all my dignity no that's my first tweet um can we just talk briefly about the cockerel who nice to see

you again i know this is this format is radio so this isn't particularly useful but I should explain to the readers this morning, the Cockerel is sporting something of a shiner. It's a shiner in the sort of Beano, Dennis the Menace style type of shiner. It is a very old school black eye. You got rid of that Twitter imposter the only way.

It's like a 70s make-up artist. Could you care to explique a single play? You know a few weeks ago when we did that story about Ben Fogle being someone snatching his bag and him saying, enjoy the black eye? Yeah. It just reminded me how much I enjoy black eyes.

I've permanently had one since, but you just haven't seen me that much. It's taken that long getting the tattoo done. Yeah, exactly. What'll go on, may I ask? Oh, come on. but you just haven't seen me that much. It's taken that long getting the tattoo done. Yeah, exactly. What a go on, May I ask? Oh, come on, you know... No, were you doing a little karate? I'm a little bashful about the martial arts.

Well, it is a Beano's type of thing. You're the bashful street kid. I was doing my martial arts class the other day and I got a little bump from a man's knee near my eye. I beg your pardon. It's gone a bit black. But it really doesn't hurt. I'm not saying that to be macho because, you know, I'm agonised every day when I step on Lego.

But it genuinely doesn't. It's fine. But it's good fun. It looks, you look, it makes, you already look quite hard. I do not. And it makes you look harder. That's not true. No, let's be reasonable.

Cockerel's never going to look hard. Good. But I would say you're at least 17% more hot as a result. Thank you. Thank you. We've already had a text in. Yeah, I know that. Do you know why?

Because rather worryingly, during that track, the producer went, Have we had a text in? Like, I know that. Do you know why? Because rather worryingly, during that track, the producer went, have we had a text in? Like Neville Chamberlain with, I hold in my hand this piece of paper. We've had a text on 8 to 12.15 from Ian Angel, who said, hi, Emily. With his black eye from martial arts, does Alan look like Kung Fu Panda?

Yes, he does. And do you know what? That's working for me. Kung Fu Panda. It's a very visual medium, isn't it, radio? It really is. Alan's a little embarrassed about his Shiner readers. I'm sure we can credit, people know what a black eye

looks like. They do, yeah. It's interesting though, because it doesn't hurt at all. I kept forgetting yesterday and just walking up to people and asking for things, you know, like coffee and their wallet, that sort of stuff. It's the perfect chance to play pranks on people. If you went up and went, have you seen a woman crying in a wedding dress?

But you know what? Because you've got a very approachable, lovely little face. Not normally. I mean, that's wrong on so many levels. I wouldn't look at you, I wouldn't think you were the Gripper Stepson of the incident. So I wouldn't think there'd been a nasty scrap. There was no incident, it's a shared... I think we all know there was an incident, but let's leave it. Do you know what I'd like to talk about? Oh, I've just realised, we can get coffees, can't we?

Because Big Daddy's not here. So it means I can spend, spend, spend. I might even get three gold coins. But talking of Big Daddy daddy i saw frank this week he may not be on the show but i still got my frank fix which is very exciting because i went round to his house um lovely house he's done well for himself um it was buzz's birthday have you not no i've never seen it how embarrassing have you seen it i've not seen has anyone in the studio seen it other than me no this is the worst thing ever but i'm secretly quite pleased yeah you're special um anyway kathy

thanks kathy she texted me and she said do you want to go around for you can either go around for a children's party on the saturday or a lunch with five adults on the monday so you went monday obviously good no i like a children party Some of my best friends are children. None of my best friends are children. And in fact, Buzz is rather special. I mean, he's very charming and just an exceptional human being. But I don't like all

children. And when people, as they say, all kids are coming. Well, which kids? It could be Junior Richard Hammond. I need to know these things. So I opted for adults. Now, it turned out because it was his birthday, I need to know these things. So I opted for adults. Now, it turned out, because it was his birthday, I thought I'd bought him a great present. I bought him a sweatshirt,

which had a depiction of the moon landings. Cool. Nice. I also bought him a copy of Pirate Pete's Potty Adventure. Excellent. Which I heartily recommend. I believe he's also available as an adult movie, I believe. Do you like... I said heartily recommend, a bit piratey. And I got him this because it's for toilet training, and it's a very good book.

Are you familiar with it, Cockrell? No. With your... Pirate Pete's Potty Adventures. Yeah, it's a leading light in the world of toilet training for youngsters. See, potty is being used as a pun there, isn't it? Potty is both a potty and his adventures are somewhat silly and dad. I didn't know that. Silly potty is being used as a pun there, isn't it? Potty is both a potty and his adventures are somewhat silly and damp. I didn't know that.

Silly potty. Well, it's a complex but brilliant work. And what happens? Because it's quite a dangerous gift, because it might imply to Frank and Kathy, you savages don't know what you're doing, so it needs someone civilised to show him the ropes. To be fair, I did sing you don't know what you're doing whilst i handed it over which i think went down rather well

um but it has this i'm hoping it'll play but um this is the sound effect so when the child uses the potty you press this in the book excellent wow now i have a new gentleman caller in my life, and I decided to use this on him every time he went to the toilet. And it went down rather well, I have to say. But what's strange about Pirate Pete's potty adventure is that there are parents in the potty adventure. There's Daddy Potty, and he reacts every time pirate pete uses the potty and there's mummy potty i think they're from different classes these people and they haven't thought about the audio listen to this here's the dad what do we think about that sounds fairly half-hearted as

well him again he sounds a bit northern a bit like yeah yeah there's a world weariness to it yeah it's like well done he's a bit every toddler should be able to do he's a world-weariness to it, isn't there? Yeah, it's like, well done. He's a bit equity minimum. You've done a thing every toddler should be able to do. He's a bit equity minimum. Now, this is the mother. Hurrah! Now, I think he's punching, class-wise, that father, if you don't mind me saying. Yeah, I felt that was a little snapshot into my life.

LAUGHTER Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking this morning on Absolute Radio about potty training. We've just had a text, don't forget Princess Polly's potty adventures. Yes! Is that what you were talking about? That's what my niece Bertie has. And it has led Bertie to every time i myself use the latrines um she comes in opens the door and applauds me oh nice which is nice to have a

review i'll take them in any situation my uh my my daughter is currently um on the uh closing stages of being potty trained i would say okay um at least i hope i certainly hope because it's not an overnight success and she stomps off the potty with no elegance whatsoever I had incidents age 7 it's really funny the concept of ladylike kind of

movement is just not in her head yet so she sort of jumps off the potty and pulls her knickers up and it looks like a drag artist or something it's really like it's like a rugby player whose shorts have fallen down in a scrum or something like chris like chris rock finishing a gig i'm out of here exactly it really is she goes straight into a waiting limo i'm not gonna lie and this is probably gonna blow the switchboard up with people worried we haven't gone with any clever book form.

We give her two chocolate buttons if she does a poo in the potty. Oh, my God. And we make a really big fuss, and if she doesn't, we try not to shout. I love that. That's like a Dickensian approach to child rearing. It's like, put a wee dram of whiskey in their bottle. And I have to say, last weekend I did... Can I just say, Absolute Radio does not suggest that. Absolute Radio also doesn't advocate

giving children chocolate buttons. No. Pre-toilet training. We went to a comedy festival I did last weekend in Stratford-upon-Avon. Stratford-upon-Avon and there's a lifeline... Oh, I'd always go on. Is it upon or on? Text us on 8-12-15 this morning. Is it S-O-A or S-U-A?

That's the day's texted. I'd never been there. Lifelong Shakespeare fan and you know I've trod the boards a little. Is that right? I was taken there at a very young age to Shakespeare's grave and my father cried. Well.

Doesn't that happen to everyone? Alan played King Lear the asthmatic. Two things about Stratford-upon-Avon. Do you remember Frank spotted a statue and said that it had a lovely bottom? There was a period where he was obsessed with bottoms. I know exactly what the statue was. What, in Stratford-upon-Avon?

No, he was talking about one in London, in that there London. Well, he's also a huge fan of Donald's Hello's David in Florence. Well, the bottom on Prince Hal in Stratford-upon-Avon is unsurpassable. I mean, it's really great. It's wonderful.

It's a thing of beauty. I gaped at it for ages. Really? This could become a very niche walking tour. However... Very good. I gaped at it for ages. Really? This could become a very niche walking tour. However... Very good. However, we arrive in this great historical place

and within about an hour I was putting some soiled child knickers into a public bin. I'm not lying. The potty training hadn't gone ideally at that point. Suffice to say there were no chocolate buttons being handed out then. Also, that's a sacred area as well. Do you know what else has been happening? If you're going to lose it,

lose it elsewhere, surely. Sometimes she uses the potty without telling us, just for a little piddle, and then the first thing we know about it is... How do we feel about this language? Demanding two chocolate buttons. PP. She only really asks for those... That's the only way she

knows how to ask. She only really asks for those when she passes solids now. I'm sorry to be so graphic. Oh, God. Frank, can I apologise? I mean, this started off as an innocent discussion about Pirate Pete's potty adventure. It's only going to get worse. And it's descended into some terrible, terrible,

grimy anecdote. Sometimes, when we haven't noticed that she's been for a piddle, the first we know about it is when we're all sat watching telly and the dog's slurping away in the balls. I'm going to play some music. Are we all fair yet? The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

Absolute Radio. Oh, guess what else about Frank? Well, it could be all manner of things, couldn't it? Keep it broadcastable Yes, I will I won't talk about the 90s Yeah, so when I went round there Frank had done something which he often does He and Cathy often do

Which is they'll ask you round and you'll say Oh, tell you what we've done We've invited someone around who can cook. What do you mean? He says, no, it's a really good arrangement. It's a really good arrangement. He said, because it works for everyone. I said, well, how does that work out?

He says, well, what we say, it's a great deal. We buy the food and they cook it. How are they benefiting from that arrangement? Of course you buy the food, it's your house, you've invited them round. Yeah, inspired by Ready Steady Cook. It is somewhat, although it was lovely. Was it? Poached salmon.

Ainsley Harriot made it all. Well, that lovely friend, Fee, and she came round and she's an incredible cook, I have to say, but she came round and did the cooking and then she had to go. Oh. I don't know why we should have paid her. But she came round and did the cooking and then she had to go. Oh. I don't know why we should have paid her. Lovely poached salmon, potatoes. And then he brought out the dime bars.

Nice. Dame, I should say. For pudding. Yeah, that was our pudding. Yeah, because she went. He was a bit stumped for pudding. So he had to bring out the dame bars. But then I did something I always do well, which is I always do this at Frank's house. I don't know why I do this.

I said, does anyone want a cup of tea? Because I think I'll do my bit, you know, because Frank likes you to do your bit. Clearly, you have to sing for your supper in some respect. Has he made tea? Well, no. What I do is I say, does anyone want tea? And then I just move over to the kitchen and stand there talking for a bit. And then I go back down and sit on my chair and then talk to Frank about bullseye or something.

And then, meanwhile, Sandy Mason, mother-in-law, has made the tea. Nice. But I get the glory because I was the asker. You were the tea instigator. Exactly. I was the tea inciter. That's good, yeah. Nice. Thank you, I'm glad. Have you now blown your gaff? You've revealed your trick on air.

No, I don't see Dean Gaffney anymore. But I did hope that Frank would give me some inside info on Doctor Who. The Doctor. He wouldn't. No. I thought he'd sing like a canary. No. He's so selfish.

He wouldn't say a word to me. He's quite discreet in many ways. No, he's fabulously discreet. I can tell he's very excited about it. Well, who isn't excited about Frank being in Doctor Who? Steve, I mean... No, it's really exciting. Technically, it's not a lost or missing episode,

so I can't get as excited about it as I normally do. Yet. Yeah. I've got to see the BBC's archiving policies over the next 50 years. He looked the same. He didn't look any different. Although, other than the fact they've made him

shave his head and put collagen in his lips, he looks exactly the same. He didn't look any different. Although, other than the fact they made him shave his head and put collagen in his lips, he looks exactly the same. That's what I'm saying. You can text us on 812.15 this morning, or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Frank's not here. We miss him. Madly. But I have two rather hot, lovely boys here in his place.

Why did it all go really silent? I think they're genuinely shocked. I was trying to make it a bit sexy. I was wondering if we were perspiring. I was just trying to make it a bit sexy on Absolute Radio this morning. Oh, I'll tell you what we've got to talk about, boys. What about Kim Yu?

Yeah, Kim Yu. I love that Aboriginal song. This nickname that they've got of Kanye and... Yeah, this is Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Does this mean that if she'd married Cheech from Cheech and Chong, they'd be called Kim Chi, like the Japanese pickle?

Have you had Kim Chi? It's lovely. I mean, I would recommend everyone try some kimchi. I love some Japanese pickle material. Some of your finest material. And you know when Brad Pitt was... I tried that in Hull. You know when Brad Pitt was with Jennifer Aniston?

Were they called Braniston? That's even better work. I think that's actually a joke I did actually eight out of ten cats about seven years ago i wouldn't worry lots of other people on that show recycle material but that's a whole other story anyway kanye you should be on obama lateness that's what he says but he with this wedding i mean i don't know where to begin i could spend the entire show talking about this wedding. I'm so obsessed by it. Well, let's see if we can. I would like it. Okay. Okay.

I don't know what our readers would think. So, let's start with, it was in Florence. It was... The beginning. The beginning. Florence. For our American listeners, that's in Italy. It was on a grassy knoll.

Was it? Yes. It was at the top of a, I don't know, some sort of mound. At the top of a, What was it, Daisy? A mountain? Oh, she doesn't know. Someone fire her. I didn't know it was on a grassy...

Did they have a member of the Kennedys driving past nearby? No, but the best thing of all was the giant toilet box. I know we've had a lot of toilets talk this morning on Absolute Radio, but it was a golden box 50 feet tall apparently it's a golden toilet tower which sounds more like the name of the book that you bought buzz you know what was the expense do you think was they uh they had to pay extra to get a little sensor in so that when somebody had finished it went do you think every time kanye went into the loo, it went, oh, now it's not working. Oh, it's terrible. Can you do it, please?

Oh, that's a shame, isn't it? Better late than never. That's what they said to Kanye. We have had some toilet humour today. Have we? I can just briefly say, do you think that when they went to all the trouble of having a golden toilet tower,

they also had a golden toilet brush? Because I sometimes stay in posh rooms in hotels, and when I see evidence of myself, I get upset by it. This is absolutely disgusting, and I want you to change the subject immediately, Steve. Some posh hotels do not provide a toilet brush, and if they're going to have a golden... I just think there should be a way of...

You're worried. If he's had a golden toilet, he could have a golden bath. I don't know what they do with the shower. Oh, this is getting awful. I had to think very carefully about how I was going to word that. Do you know what I think? Even if you put a gold box over it, it's still a chemical toilet.

It's still going to have that noxious blue fluid in it. That's the other song, isn't it? I don't like it, so I'm going to put a golden box over it. That's a well noxious blue fluid in it what's the other song isn't it i don't like it so i'm gonna put a golden box over it that's a well-known song isn't it what about instead of you know at weddings you have what i believe is called plasma are you familiar with this concept so the plasma is the little place cards that go around um they engraved people's names onto the marble tabletop yeah instead of putting plasma out yeah and apparently because i think that's quite optimistic in in hollywood isn't it people

change partners one minute they're going out charlie's throne next week it could be rusty lee how do you know who people are dating yeah they went through about five tables in the final week i think yeah yeah it's quite tricky when you go the guest list is literally set in stone this is frank skinner oh i've had a text from mike well not a text a tweet i'm making it out like he's a friend of mine. He says, Dame bars are still pronounced dime, FYI. As another FYI, we've also had a text from Simon who puts brackets art dealer, which is a nice way of describing yourselves.

And he just says upon. I don't know if you remember that we asked for upon or on. He's gone a bit existential this morning on his art dealer. No, he hasn't. He's directly answering the question, Stratford-on-Avon or Stratford-upon-Avon? He's going for a pond. Are we the only commercial radio breakfast show this morning

saying, is it Stratford-upon or Stratford-on-Avon? That's why him referring to himself as an art dealer is as if to underline his credentials for knowing. I know about such things. I love how middle class we've made it here. Yeah. We've put bookshelves on that. We've replaced all those gold discs with bookshelves.

It's good for me. Is it? Yeah. Why's that? Look how far I've come. I started in council estate. Although we had art. Anyway.

Extraordinary revelation. What about Kimye? So... Kimchi. Well, we've already talked about the marble tabletops, but what about when Kanye, you should be on Obama-lateness, when absolutely...

Is that what he says? Is that a song of his? Yeah. I don't like that. I like to be 15 minutes early. It's not very sexy in a rap song. No. I like to be 15 minutes early just to cover all eventualities.

That's not going to fly, Guy. Might be a fantastic album, the songs of Kanye West performed by Alan Cochran. Yeah, can we write that down somewhere? I could do with padding out my Edinburgh shirt. I prefer to leave my lights on a timing switch. Saves on bills. Totally. If you think your bills

are too high, get an owl. It reads how much electricity you're using. Oh dear. Not got an owl? Alright. Tough crowd. It would be not hollow we want prenup. We just need to think about the next step we take.

We've got a lot of responsibilities. Oh, I can't wait to... I love his song Tax Return. It gets me all hot under the collar. Let's do it three months early. Anyway, Kanye... Kanye went absolutely mental. He went groomzilla. And I love him so much more as a result of this.

He decided two hours before the wedding, we should say this is all hearsay, so we don't... Hearsay were on at the wedding. Wow, they really threw money at the problem, didn't they? Yeah. Kanye did a performance of Pure and Simple. He said he didn't want any of the 80 lights on the dance floor

that they'd taken four days to install. Apparently he said, I'm in the centre of this party and I'm the only one people need to see. Boom. I said that this morning, to be fair, before I took to the decks. When he said that, was his wife to be in earshot at all? Because, I mean, that wouldn't... We need to be the only people who will see us what it should be from now on.

Do you reckon Godzilla gets annoyed that people call them Bridezillas or Groozers? Godzilla is way less temperamental than Kanye. So if Godzilla was getting married and his wife was getting a bit psycho, he'd have to go, she's gone, all right, Kanyezilla. Would you like it if Godzilla sued for defamation? Because Godzilla lays waste to cities without really caring,

whereas Bridezilla's and Grimm's, they like everything just so. And that is something that cannot be said for Godzilla. And also, everyone talks about Godzilla. What about the slightly more rational and reasonable Godzookie? Who I seem to remember is accompanied by slightly harmonious music. Fantastic. She's turned into a right Bridezookie. It seems nice. No, Zuki. She seems nice. No, but this is what Kanye did.

So Kanye went so mental, he didn't like the look of the bar, so he grabbed a saw and started sawing it in half just before the wedding. I thought this was some stunt that he had decided that he was going to show people that he could saw it in half. I mean, I like the idea of him doing that, but what I didn't like was that they kept saying that it was going to show people that he could saw it in half. I mean, I like the idea of him doing that, but what I didn't like was that they kept saying that it was in half, as if they'd checked that it was exactly half. And I think maybe that's why it took 45 minutes,

because Kanye was there with one of those belts with leather bits and a tape measure going, Hang on, hang on, I want to get this exactly half. Measure twice, cut once. You all know the rules. Where's that spirit level gone? Oh, that's Alan Cochran's next rap song. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning. He's not with us. We miss him and we love him. But he's having a nice time, so, you know. You can text us on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. I'm joined by Alan Cochran.

I'm joined by Steve Hall. There is very little else to say, other than the fact that, where's that coffee? She's been gone a good ten minutes now. We've got a text in running. It's pretty typical commercial radio. Oh, what is it? Is Stratford-on-Avon called Stratford-on-Avon or Stratford-upon-Avon?

And Mark has texted, I've lived in Stratford all my life and I still can't be sure. Road signs say welcome to Stratford-upon-Avon but the local council is Stratford-on-Avon District Council. Confused? I like confused with an exclamation mark.

I think you heard that in my reading. Yeah, I really enjoyed that. I'm intrigued that there are any other towns that have similar quandaries. Boreham Wood is sometimes presented as Boreham and then Wood as a separate word. I'm loving your contribution this morning on Absolute Radio, Steve. If you live in Burton-upon-Trent, let us know. Ashby de la Zouche, represent.

Oh, I hate Ashby de la... Represent. Ashby de la Zouche. Why do they call it that? Try and sound all glamorous. You're not in France or Munich. Just accept where you are. You're not in France or Munich. Just accept where you are. You're in England.

True that. We were talking about the Kimye wedding. Yes. I'd just got up to the part where Kanye West was sawing a bar in half. A drinking bar, I should say. I can imagine sweat pouring off him. The cumberbands come a bit awry. Oh, yeah.

I call it a bit amateurville when men get like that. You know, when they get very embroiled in a physical task and there's sweat dripping down them, chopping firewood out with an axe in the garden. I think he went a bit like that. But he also apparently got angry. He wasn't happy with the music system. He said it cost 100 grand to install

and he said, you Italians don't understand my minimalist style. Whoa. I like to think he's very well known for his minimalist style. And Italians aren't, somehow. His 50-foot gold toilet. He's practically Le Corbusier, isn't he? But what I like, so apparently he had to resort to plugging his iPod in.

No. Imagine someone had put Buxfiz making your mind up on that. Oh, I would have loved that. Oh, he put his own iPod in. That. Imagine someone had put Buxfier's Making Your Mind Up on that. Oh, I would have loved that. Oh, he put his own iPod in. That's brilliant. Yeah, yeah. You can't... I like...

The more I read about this, the more I like the bits where it appears like a normal wedding. Something's gone on. Oh, just get the groom's iPod. Come on. And the fact that... Is it Jaden Smith? Will Smith's son was running around in a costume and being annoying. I like the fact that there is it Jaden Smith, Will Smith's son, was running around in a costume and being annoying.

I like the fact that there's no amount of money that you can spend and there's still not an annoying kid at the wedding. And that's great. He was being what a teenage boy should be. What, go wearing a white Batman suit? That's Frank's dream. He had a cloak on. He was chucking his cape into people's faces.

This wedding cost £12 million or something. And throwing glasses on the ground with his cape into people's faces. You've got to go, this wedding cost £12 million or something. And throwing glasses on the ground with his cape. It's brilliant. It must have been quite difficult to tell him off, though, because Kanye and what's-her-name, Kim Kardashian, took him to one side and went, you're a spoiled, attention-seeking brat. And at that point, the greenhouse just smashed into smithereens.

What about when the spotlight went on Kim's sort of down under regions? Pardon? She was walking in and the spotlight shone, unfortunately, on the lower half of her dress in an area she didn't feel comfortable with. Wow. So she ran over and pulled the plug on all the lights. They seem to have had a thing about the lights. Yes, don't they?

Well, I think, to be fair though i think that mother should have been that kardashian mother should have been very happy with the lighting concept if they're all turned down to zero she seems such a nice woman that mother i'd love to become friends with her yeah there's so much about the wedding i love have you seen the just married photo yeah oh yeah the leather jacket with the leather jackets and the weird design so they i think it's meant to look cool and sexy but they look like a far right biker gang from a bad episode of happy days who'd come along and teach us a lesson we'd learn from them be the moral lesson

it was one of the most vulgar soulless displays of empty celebrity in the history of humanity and i just want to know why wasn't i invited this is frank skinner do you know what i think it's time for boys i've had enough of this uh kim you nonsense we need some good old-fashioned down to earth Email Corner is race walking. Oh, yes. A ten-year-old girl wrote to her local shopping centre. Oh, yeah, Frank has a thing where he races other pedestrians. Pedestrian racing. Yeah. A ten-year-old girl wrote to her local shopping centre

about the slow walkers when shopping, so they've now installed a fast lane to help with the flow. That's amazing. I should explain the story. She lived reasonably close to the Meadowhall shopping centre in Sheffield. Lovely local knowledge there. A bit of local. And the dude in charge of the whole shop said,

Yeah, you're right. I think it was part of her school project to try and write to somebody in authority and change something. And the guy went, Yeah, OK, you're right. Some slow walkers and you're you're trying to bomb on and so they've installed a fast walking i like the sound of this child is she going to go up to do a job where we're going to say well at least she was very efficient and transformed the roads though that's what worries me slightly about her if you have a fast lane though and you've got

someone who isn't quite going fast enough in the fast lane yeah the other shoppers now have to flash them exactly i like her mother said i like the sound of this child i think she's called chloe and her mother said chloe's always giving me feedback when she goes to places yeah feedback's worrying feedback is what i used to give ex-boyfriends when they stayed out all night that's feedback isn't it i just worry for the um actual adult professional town planners and shop planners whose work has been improved by a ten-year-old girl. They're at home going, oh wow, she wrote a letter and fixed my work. It does seem to be the way to get things changed, because there was that kid who got them to change tiger bread to giraffe bread. So the way they wrote, and she said your bread shouldn't be called tiger bread, it looks more like a giraffe,

and they wrote back and said, you're absolutely right, so they renamed it giraffe bread. Really? I wish I could get those sort of results. I could get Stratford-upon-Avon changed to Stratford-on-Avon. The way to effect social change in the 21st century is to get a ten-year-old to write it. Right.

It's letter writing, obviously. Amnesty International are big fans of that. Yeah, don't use email or anything. Just go for letters. Yeah. Have we got time for another email daisy in this oh daisy just shook her head that was awful i felt a terrible sense of rejection when she did that we need to get a 10 year old to write to her and say dear daisy can we do another email in this section what should we do now well i could tell you what what about when I said that once to a guy when I was on a date? What shall we do now? Honestly, he posted that back at me.

Yeah, you think. At what point in the date were you at? It was about two in the morning. Let's leave it there. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're in an email corner. Actually, a disaster happened during that track.

I can't believe you're going to talk about the disaster. I need to talk about the disaster. I can't believe you're going to talk about the disaster. I know I have therapy. I need to overshare. What if the absolute bosses are listening? I spilt a decaffeinated skinny... I don't need the details. They don't need the deets.

No, I need to spill everything. In so many ways. Yeah, it was a decaf skinny latte. A capp. No, I need to spill everything. In so many ways. Yeah, it was a decaf skinny latte. A cappuccino, I'm sorry. And I spilt it all over the motherboard. Oh, no. And as it spilt, I went, Daisy! And I panicked.

And I saw all this brown liquid forming around a huge button with the words Enable on it. And my therapist told me never to do that. So I'm panicking. all i can hear in the background whilst this pandemonium is breaking out is steve hall going yeah so on doctor who why episode seven he was continuing to talk that tells me that's what happened to you to last i was trying to remain calm in the face of a crisis i'm talking about doctor who you'd spilled the beans quite literally because it was coffee. Coffee beans, very good.

Oh, that's clever, isn't it? I mean, that is clever. You would be good in the bunker. Quite literally. Because you'd just be playing Doctor Who episodes. A voice of calm. A still voice of calm. OK. We've had a correction.

We've had a cultural correction. We've had a correction. Anthony Ward has texted in, has emailed in rather than to say... Was he a spy or something? ...to say, the Statue of David is by Michelangelo, not Donatello. You are confusing your mutant ninja turtles. Oh. If only I had done a history of art A-level and I could correct you

and tell you that there are two Davids. Boom! Oh, Anthony Ward. One of the favourite things... Google it, Google it, a cosier it. There's a Donatello David and a Michelangelo David. But thank you for your interest at this time. Can I just say one of my favourite things that happens on this show occasionally

is when a corrector becomes corrected. No, I like you for joining in. It almost pleases me as much as seeing bullies getting beat up on YouTube. No, I appreciate, and I love that you're correcting me over art history, because you're right, it does matter and these things are important. Unfortunately for you, I'm right in this instance. I'm sorry, Anthony.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to help. I love you. We've also had another sort of correction. It's neither on or upon the Avon, really, is it? It's sort of on both sides so I'd suggest it renames itself Straddle the Avon. Oh, what is this? This is the...

Northumberland, Stratford-upon-Avon. This could be a new thing. Correction is Correction is ole, ole, ole. Can we do a little jingle? No? Straddle the Avon's good. We've got to play music. We don't have time for this. That was a bit of a horrible way to come out of it. I do apologise. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Staying in email corner, we've had an email from Evan, who said, this is obviously relating back to previous discussions when I wasn't here, and he says,

Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. Your podcast keeps me entertained on the Monday drive to work. A bit crazy. She listens every day. She listens every day, but she really likes it. Excuse me, this is Evan. Evan, my apologies. Very solemn piece of praise.

Why are you giving him sex change? Your podcast keeps me entertained this is Evan. Evan, my apologies. It's a very solemn piece of praise. Why are you giving him sex change? Your podcast keeps me entertained. Carry on. It says, regarding the origins of Nandos... Can we just say it is actually called Nandos? For some reason, we call it Nandos on this show because Frank mispronounces it as Nandos, which is one of the many things I love about him.

There are too many to list here, but anyway, as you were. Regarding the origins of Nandos, the chain was started by the Mozambique diaspora community, which is, I'm genuinely amazed I said that correctly first time. Hold on. In South Africa, it is regarded as Portuguese-style chicken because Mozambique is a former colony of Portugal, the last imperial power in Africa.

It then started up in Perth, Australia, where there is a large South African expat community and then came to the UK. I actually visited a Nando's in Cape Town recently and found that the Nando's menu in South Africa was nowhere near as extensive as the Nando's menu

in the UK. So there you go. Keep up the good work, Evan. Wow. I don't think I'll ever want for more information on Nando's. That is the most formal piece of information and writing ever associated with a chicken restaurant. The Mozambique community in South Africa. Mozambique diaspora community, which I think is a Captain Beefheart album. I'm sorry for leaving out diaspora. It does happen.

What I really like is that Evan went into the nando's in uh in cape town and compared it to the one in the uk that is the behavior of an expat i don't know if you've ever chatted to expats they will compare everything to the uk hello oh in the uk they say hello i love evan well thank you evan so much for writing in. I wonder if they... Because obviously the prized thing to get in the UK is a Nando's black card. Yeah. We're not allowed to ask for... We're not allowed to...

Oh, really? We don't want one. It's a tricky thing to ask. In South Africa, there'd been times not so long ago that that would have been a tricky thing to ask for. Moving swiftly on. Yeah. We've got a...

We're not allowed to ask for black cards on this show. Frank, we can't beg friend it, can we? Yeah. He said no touting for cards. No beggy beggy. Yeah, no beggy beggy. And also, I don't want it anyway, because I boycott Nando's,

because I think it's takeaway food at restaurant prices. Ever since Torres went from Liverpool to Chelsea, I boycott it just because of the name association. Takeaway food at restaurant prices is one of Alan's, that's his next album. Me and Kanye. We've had a text, good correction on René's on sculpture. Want a job, Emily? That's from Simon

the art dealer. Simon the art dealer? I would actually want a job. I'd see myself as having an assistant role in a Lovejoy set up. Lovely. You could be a tinker for the 21st century absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner

on absolute radio we've just had a text in it's taking quite a tetchy tone which I don't like I quite like it but that's the sort of self-harmy side of me I'm not a reader please Please stop calling me a reader. I'm using a, and then

we go to caps lock, radio. Well, if you were a long term reader, you would know that we call our listenership readers because they have an intelligence about them that we feel is more in keeping with the reading world. And we include you in that, and we do thank you for joining in.

The aggression of their tone implies they resent being called a reader in any aspect of their life. I have never read a book, and I resent the accusation that I have, sir. Not even street signs. Don't turn on our people. Oh, come on. We can't help but turn them on. That's the most disgusting thing you've ever said. Are we having a text in this morning you can text

us on 8 12 15 as always under my watch the text in tends to go a little um off topic yeah we had is it stratford upon or stratford on even we also had um are there two sculpt florentine renaissance sculptures of david discuss well maybe we can can kick off another one. I was a reader the other day. I took my little boy, little Lord Fauntleroy, swimming. Does he wear breeches? I wore breeches. He swims in the full length Victorian swimming costume, obviously.

He's got 99 problems, but a breech ain't one. And I was looking on my iPhone, because obviously, like any modern-day parent, you keep one eye on the swimming pool and how it's going, and the other, you... That was a delayed applause for your britches joke.

I see you fiddling with that, and I was thinking, I'm trying to tell my story. I was looking on my phone, and I looked across, and there was a mum looking on her phone, and I don't consider myself a particularly clichéd macho bloke. I don't. No, exactly. I really don't.

I don't get this for conforming to gender stereotypes. Except today when you've got a Charles Bronson brute shiner. I've got a little bit of a black guy. Did you smear yourself in Lurpac this week and take on 12 guards? Because that's what it looks like. Not quite, a little bit of a black eye. Did you smear yourself in Lurpac this week and take on 12 guards? Because that's what it looks like. Not quite. But, no word of a lie, she was looking on her iPhone at beauty treatment websites. And I was on my phone looking at reviews of motorbikes.

It couldn't have been more perfect for... And I wondered, what is the etiquette on having a sneaky peek at somebody's iPhone? Because I do it fairly frequently. Do you? And I have a sneaky peek at other people's behaviour. I was on a train yesterday. Yeah. Quite a tough looking guy got out a little portable DVD player, I thought, old school. Yeah.

And he got out Starsky and Hutch on DVD. I hope he's not listening, because he did look tough, but he surprised me by getting an Emery board out and filing his nails all the way to Euston. Who was this man? Strange. I bet he's not a listener. That's my hope, because he might... Can I tell you what I saw recently?

I looked over a man's iPad recently. That's the story. He was reading a script and as soon as i see dialogue i'm in of course yeah you know as a fellow yeah as an arts and crafts type yeah so um all i saw i'm desperately trying to read it didn't have my glasses on i thought i can't put my glasses on whilst i'm looking over his shoulder so i'm squinting a bit i'm looking a bit mr magoo and i'm straining and all i can catch is one of the characters is called lofty oh now i don't know

about you but there's only one character called lofty that i remember he was in eastenders i looked at him to the side i thought oh my god what if that's tom watt and he's reliving all his greatest hits just looking over scripts that he's learnt 20 years ago. Yeah, I mean, obviously I do that all the time with Dare the Triffids. Just sobbing on the train. Yeah, I do it all the time. Why doesn't Susan Talley return my call? I look over my Dare the Triffids script,

I remember the dialogue like it was yesterday. Hey, can't you kiss her indoors? Fabulous. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We're talking about looking over people's shoulders on Absolute Radio this morning. Well, specifically, Alan, you did this recently, didn't you? I was a peeping Tom at a lady's iPhone. By the way, can I just say... I'm glad you said iPhone.

Why is it Toms that get the bad press for peeping? What's a lady peeper called? There's no, like, peeping Susan. In fact, Susan's lazy. She's a lazy peeper. I don't even know who Susan is, but she's lazy. She couldn't be bothered to peep. Lady Godiva's going past.

She hasn't even got it in her. Was it Lady Godiva that peeping Tom peeped at? Oh, is that correct? I think so. That'd be a good thing to text in as well. Wikistivia strikes again. No, I'd like that. It's another literary thing.

And I feel I'm making this show very middle class this morning. Which the great thing about peeping is that it can be high culture. Sorry, please don't ever start a sentence like that. The great thing about hiding in a corner watching someone. The great thing about peeping, a novel by Steve Paul. It can be high culture or low culture yeah so i i have in the last 12 months i've sat next to the actor tom hiddleston uh in a cafe reading his scripts and getting quite excited about that and in the same week i uh was sat behind someone i'm not being rude but you could have just got some york notes or

i mean it's not like it's going to change just because it's his script i sat behind someone on a bus. I'm not being rude, but you could have just got some York notes or you could have just bought a copy of it. I mean, it's not like it's going to change just because it's his script. I sat behind a guy on a bus and the bloke was just going through Tinder. And he seemed to not care. It was really obvious that I was looking. And there was almost eye contact on a few ones where he was swiping left and I was going,

I'd have said yes to her. But it was the most suspenseful where i was like go on give her a chance she looks like a nice sort oh i didn't i apologize for the use of the phrase nice sort yeah it briefly turned into 1971 briefly turned into question time um yeah you see that's the thing about tinder i've heard people going on Tinder when they're not actually looking for love. What? You paused too long when you said that. What do you mean, you may say. You know something about this.

Apparently Lily Allen said she does it. They just kind of flick through just to look at people. They play the Tinder game. If you can't see it, it's the equivalent of counting sheep. Counting creeps. I like the sound of that. I won't do it because I'm currently spoken for. But I like the idea of Counting creeps. I like the sound of that. I won't do it because I'm currently spoken for, but I like the idea of counting

filthy creeps. Someone get up Tinder immediately. I want to have a look. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show, but Frank's not here this morning.

You can text us on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. I'm Emily Dean and I'm standing in for Frank. I'm joined in the barnyard by the cockerel and Steve Hall. He's not really an animal of any sort. What is he? He can just be a slug or something. Brilliant. The cockerel and the slug. That's a famous tale. Oh, I love an Aesop fable.

Have we had any texts on 8, 12, 15? We started a text in, which was, is it Stratford-on-Avon or Stratford-upon-Avon? Yes. That's for children at North London schools. We have had a text, we've had a few texts, but not requested, as it were. Right. We didn't start a text in saying, you told a story about peeping over someone's shoulder and them reading on their iPad a script including the word lofty.

And the character, yeah, was called lofty. And I thought it might be Tom Watt reliving his greatest hits. Your exact words, there's only one lofty, but it turns out, as we used to say at school, bit jarred there. Jarred. Bit jarred there? Bit jarred. Jarard, as in incorrect.

Oh, no, because no one ever said that ever other than you. OK. Well, they did in Merfield, West Yorkshire. Word up. Word up to the WF14s. Lofty is a character in the Book of Mice and Men. Oh, Steinbeck. Is that true?

Is it? Well, I don't know. Why are you asking me? Because I thought you were into the literature thing. I mean, I have a bit. Perhaps that could be another text on Absolute Radio this morning. Paul the chauffeur has also texted, it could have been lofty from it ain't half hot, mum.

Bet you'd forgot him. Oh, yes, I had. Oh, well, that's good to know. I'm quite relieved to know it wasn't Tom Watt just taking a trip down memory lane. Yeah, yeah, it's nice, isn't it? It's like those people that have been in one thing and they get out an old VHS and they make you watch it repeatedly.

Oh, that's me. I was only thinking that the other day when I was watching Trying Again. I wasn't. I haven't watched it. Yeah, have you not? I hear it's really good. I think it's excellent. It's great. The Cockerell's starring currently in Trying Again.

Starring's egging it up a bit, isn't it? I'd say you're number three. Actually, in the script I was number five. You know, the actors get given numbers. Oh, is that right? What is this, The Prisoner? Apparently you get numbers and some actors have it in their contract

that they're single-digit numbers because their ego is so big that they cannot bear to be number 11 in a hierarchy system. Oh, I'd go number 7. I was 5. I'm alright with 5. Well, apparently your performance is so good they're retiring the number. Yeah, yeah.

I know which shirt I'd want. Okay, so that's text from the outside world. Any news that you'd like to talk about this morning? Well, we need to talk, to use your parlance, we need to talk about Kate Middleton. Oh, I'd prefer to talk about this morning? Well, we need to talk, to use your parlance, we need to talk about Kate Middleton. Oh, I'd prefer to call her D-Cam now. D-Cam?

Yeah, that's the shortened version of Duchess of Cambridge. Oh. That's confusing, though, with S-Cam. David Cameron, yeah. Yeah, well, get over it. Well, she's had a terrible week, the poor thing. Oh, yeah, was this to skirt? It's Mother Nature wre Yes. Horrific,

horrific sufferance upon her. It was the naughty Germans, wasn't it? It was the horrible Germans. They're not horrible. What? They own this radio station. Can I just interject? Das ist verboten. That kind of language. I've just got, I've got reasons. Heritage and ancestry

related reasons. Are you Catholic? Are you Jewishish make a decision depends pick a team pick a team depends who's playing doesn't it well so let's explain the wind blew her skirt up when she was wandering around in australia in the blue mountains oh yeah and the also they were blue and a german newspaper newspaper showed a photo of it, unpixelated. They showed her bare backside in full glory, and not one newspaper dared to go with the headline, The Queen's Peach, which I was very upset about. Oh, Queen's Peach. Very good.

Oh, yes. Very good. He's good, isn't he? He's good. But actually, I don't think it was... Did you see it? I don't think it was the natural wind that blew the skirt. It was a helicopter. Oh, I do apologise. She was standing near a heli.

It always happens near a heli. That is one of the hazards. If you are a royal family member, you do travel by helicopter a fair bit. And in fact, her husband's a pilot of them, so it must have come up before. Why doesn't she just get some trousers? Why should she wear a trouser suit? A powerful chopper lifted her skirt. It's a horrible moment for a queen to be.

It's all there. What about when I was staying in India once, and this really posh man, I knew he was posh because he had red trousers, and we were at this very posh resort, and he said, would you like a lift back to Delhi in the morning? I said, do you know that?

That would be lovely. And he said, okay, the heli leaves at two. Wow. He was going to Delhi in his heli. This guy. He had some jelly deli in his heli. This guy. He had some jelly. We're talking about Kate Middleton and her little upsy skirt. Her unfortunate wardrobe malfunction.

I wanted to ask you, Emily, as a doyen of fashion, have you ever suffered the ignominy of a wardrobe malfunction? Well, Steve, this feels a bit like when you're a chat show and they say, I couldn't possibly sing. So you've been decorating. No, I don't have a series of pre-prepared... It's happened to me a few times. I once did an interview about royal wedding fashion

and I was quite pleased with my performance and then as I took the mic off I realised my top was on back to front no not back to front, inside out, even worse oh yeah that is worse because back to front you could have tried to style it out and pretend it was one of those tops that was back to front

they thought I was just really directional was the label showing uh yes i believe so oh um i got soy sauce on my white tuxedo when i was talking to big fat gypsy wedding you can't soy sauce on a white tux on my white tuxedo i was talking to big fat gypsy weddings i don't kind of you can't call them big fat gypsies big fat gypsy wedding cast i was talking to and it was a bafta nominees drink and um they didn't judge me to be fair well nor did they invite me to their homes no also quite right i think they were on the move at the time yeah um i've had no but the worst was when a dog ripped my skirt off in a playground

i was about 12 years old but it was a wraparound skirt i was very proud of it and i was standing there and the dog just came running past me and grabbed it between its teeth and started pulling and it was a wraparound skirt so just ran off into the woods when your life becomes a farce it's like your life becomes run for your wife or something like that yeah she just grow up in a raccoonie farce that's exactly right yeah i did but i have to say if I was Kate I wouldn't be unhappy I mean she's you know girlfriend's got it going on I googled I typed in Duchess and bum I did because I wanted to see it

and did you see the real Derriere you saw the actual photos of the German no but I saw some extraordinary photos of the British aristocracy well it's like she was trying to get revenge it's like Pippa's got all the praise in that area. So it's almost like she arranged it

just so she can go, I think 1-0 to me. Yeah, exactly. Big sister's back, innit? I think it's nice. I mean, it's a polite bottom, is what it is. Why doesn't she do the... I'd say mine's a little more assertive. Hers knocks at the door,

mine's a bit more of a battering ram. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We were talking about Kay Middy on Absolute Radio this morning, but we should also say there was some other royal out and aboutness, which was Harry. He was in Suffolk. OK, that's the royal updates for this week. No, I like that royals just appear, don't they?

Can you imagine if that was your job? You just had to turn up. Yeah, isn't that my job? I mean, that is essentially what we do this morning, in fairness. It's not wildly different. He doesn't have to read emails out, but I think he does other stuff. He doesn't have to play email corner. No.

But he did have to judge there was a bull i'm going to say bull competition yeah he met a bull didn't he he met a bull who's frothing at the mouth and he seemed a bit scared of it which is weird given that he's grown up on farms and his dad's a farmer and it had all froth at its mouth though bulls are worse than horses i hate hate them. They're my worst livestock ever. What's your worst livestock? Text in on 8-12-15. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, I don't like the big animals.

They can be quite scary. I can understand why bulls... I was playing football for Borehamwood Youth once, and a bull from a nearby field got onto the pitch and started chasing us, and that was... Can I just say that's my favourite story you've ever told? I love it. Scored three, didn't it? But also... But that's my favourite story you've ever told? I love it. Scored three, didn't it? But also...

But that's better than Runaway Dog. We only get Runaway Dog. People thought... It could have been a bull. It could have been Dean Windass. I'm not sure. Oh. Very good.

In addition to meeting the bulls, during the Suffolk trip, he also... He went in goal. Yeah. There must have been about nine or ten of these kids. Yeah, I think they were little, and the goals would be necessarily small.

The goals were like those Toys R Us sort of goals, weren't they? They were tiny little kiddie goals. And he did that thing that I also do, of being an adult in a children's goal and being impossible to score against, which is among the biggest ego boosts a human can get let me tell you if you're ever feeling a little low just going goals in a kid's football match and not let them score i mean there's no records about four hours but we well there's not patronizing children and

there's using your entire six foot frame to block the goal brilliant did you see it he had his arms outstretched his feet outstretched he was ice hockey goalieing a football game so you should appalling distribution right here i hope someone said on his steed beg their that's what you want but i think it's quite a nice thing i i used to work on these kids schemes working with um children with special needs and handicapped children and i played table tennis with a couple of them for about for about three hours and i was really trying to beat them and they were thumping me every time people would say to me afterwards oh that was so nice the way you let them win oh yeah exactly i was just being charitable i never let let children win. Is that wrong? No.

I don't care how young they are. I played swing ball against my niece, and she was about eight at the time. My brother-in-law said, why are you giving her really vicious backhands? She'll be playing a nice game with it. I just think you have to learn very early that life's hard, and it's every man for himself,

and you've got to earn your seat at that board game. Exactly. Especially Monopoly as well. But particularly football, getting kids used to doing badly in penalty shootouts is an important part of training to be British, I think. Well, it was certainly an important part of my training to be Scottish, losing at penalties when I was in goal. Scottish goalkeepers have got a reputation, haven't they?

They do that at birthdays, don't they? I think they might have done it at Buzz's birthday, actually. No, they do the pass the parcel, and then they let them win. It all goes a bit Qatar World Cup, doesn't it? Everyone's got to win. I don't agree with that. If anyone plays against me, FYI, I play to win. Bring it,

Junior. It's the Frank Skinner Show. Itner Absolute Radio. It's the Frank Skinner Show. It's Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean. Those are all the details you need for now. Lofty is apparently the crane in Bob the Builder also. Oh, is that right? What if that man was playing the crane in Bob the Builder? Does he have dialogue, the crane in Bob the Builder?

A few people are saying that there isn't a Lo lofty in Mice and Men now. Perhaps there was but Michael Gove tried to get rid of it. That's what people are claiming. Oh, I love that. Well, I don't know whether this chap on the tube whose shoulder I was looking over, reading his script, so he was either playing a character in a John Steinbeck

dramatisation or he was playing a crane in Bob the Builder. Or it was Tom Watt's Weeping for the Past. I know which one I'd prefer. I know which one I'd find the most alluring. Tom Watt becoming Tom Wen. Tried to make that existential and poignant

and failed miserably. Don't worry, at least you weren't talking about Doctor Who. Well, I'm going to talk about something even more nerdy than Doctor Who. Oh, go on. Because I saw a band... I love his little stories. We'll be the judge of that. I saw a band last week.

And in fact, I saw the same band three nights running. And it was an active devotion that my wife insists is... Oh, an active devotion. It wasn't them. Lovely little voice you've got. You've got to do musicals. I was doing my little voice as well. Do you know the bit, there's a bit in Frank's book where he talks about the first time in his life he ever heard The Fall.

I'm glad it's that bit in his book and not chapter nine. And it's the moment where he's never heard anything like it. And it's like the music he's been listening, he's been waiting for all his life. Yes, I do remember that. There's a particular band I had never heard until a few years ago called Neutral Milk Hotel. And I'd never heard them. Probably not on the playlist here.

No, no. Or anywhere, indeed. They had an album out in 1998. And the first time I heard of it, Pitchfork.com, the music website, listed it as their fourth best album of the 90s. And I was thinking, why have I never heard of this record? So I listened to it. And it was one of those moments where everything changes and it's a proper trembling, heart-beating type moment.

And then the first time I'd heard it, it was just as I was filming my first ever TV pilot. And the cameraman happened to be wearing a T-shirt with the band, the album cover on his T-shirt. And I said, I just heard that record for the first time last week and he said to me I envy you being able to hear that for the first time, it's my favourite record and they haven't done anything for 15 years That's a lovely little bonding moment for you two So I saw it, I got tickets

in different bits of the gig For the three separate nights? One night I was sat down, one night I was near the front, one night I was near the back Very mild mosh pit and a very pasty, nerdy mosh pit. You saw them three nights consecutively. Why did you do it three nights? Did you want to see it differently?

Yeah, I just wanted to get it from as many angles as possible. Angles? What were you, a hitman? Sounds like a preparation of a hitman, not a fan. Three nights in a row. I didn't display that devotion to my wife last week. I tell you what, there's very little I'd do three nights in a row. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Have we had any texts in on 8.12.15? Quite late in the day to be promoting the text number, you may think. We have had a text in response to nerdy Steve Hall over there. Have we?

Yeah. Oh, he got so passionate talking about that gig, didn't he? His little band, yeah. Oh, he was so happy. What's the name of that little band again? Neutral Milk Hotel. Oh, they got so passionate talking about that gig, didn't he? His little band, yeah. Oh, he was so happy. What's the name of that little band again? Neutral Milk Hotel. Oh, they sound lovely. The album is called In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.

Check it out, readers. Oh, we ruined it. 545, Ewan from Farnham, has texted, I saw Elvis Costello five nights in a row at the Albert Hall in 88 and couldn't afford another gig for ages. He was starting to look nervously at me. Saw him last year, he was still amazing. That's nice, isn't it?

Frank would probably have done that. He was very good. You're not alone. Who, Elvis Costello? Yeah. How many times did you go? I saw him the first time I'd ever seen him, actually. Mm-hmm.

From which angle? From side on. Which of your sniper gigs was that? He's back here tonight. Yeah. Security, get concerned. We sound like the Lee Harvey Oswald of gig goers Well, you make yourself sound like that He was a quiet man

We've had an email for you, Al On a previous show you were discussing How to cure Cochran Junior's hiccups Indeed And Caroline has emailed to say The best way to get rid of hiccups Is my granny's hiccup medicine, which is a spoon of sugar with vinegar soaked in.

Works every time. Shocks from the inside. Oh, I love the sound of that, Granny. That message was brought to you by a character in a Dickens novel. A spoonful of sugar helps the vinegar go down. If you had that on you now, I'd take that. I'd have a go at it. Ironically, little Lord Fauntleroy Cochran Jr. has not had hiccups since I talked about it on the show. So I'm starting to think that the cure for hiccups is to discuss it on commercial radio. Or to drive him through Peckham at three in the morning.

Let's step it up. Let's move to the hardcore diseases. Let's talk about Ebola. Let's get that wiped out. We've still got that. I like us laughing nastily at that. I do apologise for that. I want to ask that granny something, though, which is the key question that I think is on all of our minds this morning, all of our readers' minds.

Is it balsamic vinegar? Oh, yes. Well, I only carry balsamic. I'm sorry. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I thought I'd just finish us up with a little email that begins, Hiya all.

I'm not sure it's from the USA, but hiya y'all. I like the start. Do they know that Florence is in Italy? That's a test. After recently listening to your older podcasts in between Saturdays, a reader mentioned Ecosia, which is a website that we recommended. Search engine, in fact. Today, in science, I think this might be from a student,

today in science, Google stopped working. So I went ahead and hunted for Ecosia. I can gladly report that now most of my class is saving the rainforest. I think Ecosia do a donation to the rainforest. Every time you Google. Every time. So you could be doing something incredibly dodgy and still giving to a charity.

And we were keen to get rid of the phrase Google it. Google. People use it as a search, don't they? But we say Ecosia it. It's like people say Hoover it. Well, I did many years ago. Anyway, as you were. Another thing.

Are these prisoner numbers allocated to us or can I just make mine up? Well, we've covered that a lot, but it says long-time reader, second-time writer. I sent in about last year's New Year's resolutions. We remember that Beth, aged 14. What's her number? 241. OK. It's the last three digits of the mobile phone,

and Gareth that used to sit in my chair, just a texter had not put their name, and he just went, oh, 241. It was inspired by indolence, really. Yeah, we just like the laziness of it. We like the laziness. So has she called herself 241 knowing, or is she implying that she's a bargain that's

what i would say about the prisoner numbers is that they are allocated to you but if you're charles bronson will make an exception you can pretty much do whatever you like you can make it up we don't care it's your manner good call um it's been lovely this morning boys i've really enjoyed it i've missed frank but i've loved having you two. Pleasure. Coming up... Oh! Points towards a change in our relationship, which we'll discuss later. All I have to say is be seeing you. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

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