The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Lambada

Episode Date: July 27, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week listen to Frank, Emily and Alun talk about Frank getting his sub-concious painted, a book club with a difference and the team's verdict on bad excuses.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with, who am I with again? Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. That's charming. Sorry, I don't have my lens. Thank you. Could have been anybody across the way there. They sit the opposite side of the desk, you see, that's the dilemma. They sit the opposite side of the desk.

You see, that's the dilemma. You can text us on 81215. And you can follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Or you can email us through the Absolute website. I've had a couple of tweets already. Or you can not contact us at all. These are your options. We've had tweets.

Well, Mark Connor says, re-incorrect pronunciations, Richard Whiteley on Yorkshire TV in 1983 called the latest Star Wars movie Return of the Jedi. Marvellous. I should say that we had a thing about people mispronouncing words last week.

We've all done it. I remember for a long time, Jimmy Hill stopped with Eric Cantona. What I don't understand, if you set Richard Whiteley's saying return of the Jedi, how do they operate these? Do they not hear other people speaking? That's what it seems to me. They must be so wrapped up in themselves they don't hear other people speaking.

Perhaps it's just arrogance. They assume they're correct. But everyone else is wrong. Yeah, but, you know, you'd sort of think that George Lucas and his team will know how to pronounce. One would hope. It looks like, to be fair to Richard Whiteley,

God rest his soul. I played crystal with him once. It looks like it should be be fair to richard white thank god rest his soul um i'll play christian with him once it looks like it should be yeah really that's one of the great anecdotes i imagine he had bad breath is that no okay good you know i find that 70 no about 68 of people have bad breath um that's awkward for the people in this room, isn't it? You know what, you guys, well done. We've all passed the test, have we? I've never detected any bad breath. That's nice. My brother phoned me yesterday to say that his girlfriend mispronounces a word, but it's the word escalate. She says escalade, but it only comes up when they're arguing and she says, i don't want this argument

to escalate which is a really bad time to mispronounce a word it's about does he correct to that mid-argument i think he does oh god that's quite brave that's quite brave i told you about when i i had my girlfriend kath put um she put a two-point bottle of milk in the boot, and I said, you've definitely fastened the lid tight on that, haven't you? And she said, yes. I said, really, I've got stuff in there, papers and stuff I'm reading. She said, I've got stuff! So we drove about five miles. I had to get something out of the boot.

It was swimming with milk. So we had a massive, massive row. I would have paid £8 thousand pounds not to have been her in that moment she got very upset and um and started crying and i'm i'm thinking to my everything screaming inside me so that i could cry out of a spilt milk but i can't say it at this stage i just can't and i didn't to my credit. Wow. I said it about four minutes later when she'd calmed a little.

So anyway, I think we should start the day by saying that we were skimming through the papers this morning and Justin Bieber, I think a friend of the show in many ways. Not so much a friend, he's sort of our Peter the Wild.

He's our pet teenage trauma on legs. And he's spat on his Canadian fans. Not all of them. From a hotel balcony. Well, that was the bit that I didn't realise because the headline on the front page of the Sun newspaper says Bieber spit hits the fan. And I thought, maybe he's just been singing one of his concerts

and a little bit has come out. And that would be a headline. I was thinking it would be a very slow news day if that's hit the front cover. No, it was one of these classic ones. Well, you know when you're on a balcony and the fans are below? You either hang your newborn baby over the edge or you spit on it. That's the option for kings of pop.

The fans don't mind, though. Not all white, obviously. One of his fans said, What's so bad with Justin spitting on fans? Every girl in the world would love to get spat on by Justin. Yeah, I know what she means. I don't know if she fact-checked that with every girl in the world first, though. But I bet a lot of girls would like to get spat on.

I imagine so. I can't wait until he's fat and old and eating pizza on the sofa and his 15 minutes is up. Sorry. Really? Have you gone right past? Yeah. I'm over Bieber. You used to be a believer, didn't you? I'm not anymore, I'm afraid. Well, a friend of mine who lives

in Toronto was actually, not only in the crowd, but had a microscopic slide that he caught that gob on, and he's not going to get fat and old, so you might as well get over it. He's very, very poorly. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking about the Bebosaurus.

Yeah. To give him his full handle. The Bebosaurus. What they did in the Sun, because there's not very much to say, is they went through the tweets. This is the thing. Yeah. See, this is one of the problems with Twitter. It's just...

It just gets recycled, doesn't it? So it's people saying stuff. Next up, the problem with mobile phones. No, but don't you think the problem with mobile phones is you can't find them? Can you find them? Always. Well, I've got Where's My Phone app. Have you ever done that when people say,

Oh, can you call my phone? I can't find it. And I say, well, what's the rate of calling your phone? Have you ever done that when people say, oh, can you call my phone? I can't find it. And I say, well, what's the right of calling a phone? You know, you're not even going to answer it. It's just like... Yeah, it won't cost you a lot then. Yeah, why don't you rub a bit of aniseed on it and buy a dog, rather than expect me to spend money on... Does the dog go for

aniseed, does it? Dogs? Yeah. Oh my. Does it? Yes. I was on... You're basing this on shed no no it's i was walking um coast to coast with my with my girlfriend and um and we were on we were on the sort of east coast he's going no no the west coast he's going and i said we were walking through these these fields and i said oh smell they must grow aniseed here. And that never occurred to me before. What is aniseed? How does it grow?

I said, can you smell it? It was so strong in the air. And then suddenly we had this. And about, there was about 20 hounds bounding up the path towards, this is terrifying. It was like Hound of the Baskerville. And because Baskerville, I don't know if it's Baskerville in French. Is it? Did you know that?

No. That's what attracts the hound. And these dogs all went past, and they were training them to follow, to do stuff. Follow the aniseed. Follow the aniseed, yeah. Remember that? It was the sequel to Follow the Bear. It wasn't as popular.

Follow the Aniseed. Yeah. Remember that? It was the sequel to Follow the Bear. It wasn't as popular. So anyway, one of the tweets is from British-born US gossip columnist Rob Shooter. Oh, yeah. I don't think he'd have got a phone call if this wasn't the age of Twitter.

What do you think, Rob, about this? And he said, I'm so over this clown. Yeah, I didn't like... This is actually a quote from Carmen, if I remember right. I think it's the title of an aria. I don't like the maligning... I'm so over this club. Nice aria. Thanks.

Surprised you didn't tell him these. She knows. Are you still believers? Do you still support him with his actions? To be fair to the believer of Ebert. He, um, he, um... That was actually an impression of him drowning. When I was a teenager, spitting was quite at the centre of my universe.

And I was one of the people who couldn't spit. I couldn't spit distance. You know, there were some people who'd go... And they could hit the wall. Mine just went down my chin. So I did a lot of over the balcony spitting because you could just use gravity rather than your you see I didn't have the abdominal muscles

of Justin Bieber. I imagine he could have spat right across the crowd. Well if he'd leaned back and launched forward he could have probably got it hurt and right to the other end. It's a risk though isn, isn't it, on a balcony? Any sort of big torso-based thrust on a balcony can go horribly wrong. I don't like the gang of friends.

No. It's the people who try to seize power from Chairman Mao. No. Those frat boys that hang out with him. I think they're worse than him. I think if you're a very big star, you have to have a group of horrible people hanging around with you.

Thank you very much. How dare you? We're happy to be here. Sorry. No, I meant if you're a very big... Anyway. So I did, I spat. It was a big thing, spitting.

It was our leisure thing, spitting. It was like a... It was our leisure thing. Lovely. When sports equipment wasn't thick on the ground, spitting was... Spitting was. Do you spit this thing where you used to twist up a piece of silver paper and put that and you used to spit, like, gob bombs or something? I can't remember quite how it worked.

Anyway, I think we should probably change the subject, forgive me. But, yeah, if you want to know more about Justin Bieber, spit in Read Today's Son. Is that an ad for that? Kind of. Oh, well. Jimmy's been in touch.

I say that like he's a long-lost friend. He's not really... That's a sentence you don't often hear at the Ealing Revenue. Frank, I've been pronouncing misled, mizzled, for some years now. Oh, that's... I've heard mizzled before. I have a fairly senior job, and this has only been pointed out to me recently. My wife also caught me licking my wrists in bed to cool down the other night.

It took some explaining. Yes. Word to the absolute cockerel and E to the M to the I-L-Y. I'll see thee. Wow. That's got lots of references and ends with I'll see thee, which is Freddie Truman's parting shot on Indoor League, an old 1970s daytime TV show.

Lovely. Yeah. I've heard a few people say mizzled, but it's good that he's just... Was that just in your drinking days? I work for the Dangerous Dog League. That dog should be mizzled. You know, we used to do a thing on the show once,

which I sort of put a ban on because we were doing too many, and it was called Idiotic Eureka Moments. It's when you realise, after a long time, that you didn't get something. Oh, that's my part in the French Lieutenant's Woman, you mean? Yeah, no, I mean get, as in not that. Do you think I would have brought that up? No.

So I... We must do a whole special about you. Your part and non-part in the French Lieutenant's woman. Is it Lieutenant or Leftenant? I say Leftenant. 8-12-15, ladies and gentlemen. Is that who's texting, really? No, I don't know.

I could ring Meryl Streep and ask her, but I don't have her number. I think Lieutenant is American. I agree. And Sandy War is Nardin, and Sandy War is one of the cleverest people I know, as I've said many times. Anyway, I was singing Wandering Star. You know, the Lee Marvin song from Paint Your Wagon? Lovely. I was born.

That one. I sing it to my baby to get him to sleep. And there's a line in it. And I must have sang that song without any exaggeration 300 times. And there's a line where he says, do you know where hell is? Hell

is in hello. Heaven is goodbye forever. It's time for me to go. And I sang it last night and I thought, hell is in hello. He means that the word hell is in hello. Yeah. And it's only just occurred to me. Oh.

What a fool I've been. Hmm. Phew. How can I resurrect my career and become more famous? Oh, I know. Oh. You actually spat? I did actually spit.

Right in the face as well. Radio. You have to join in a bit. Anyway, last week was my last... You know, I've been going round Britain and Ireland with this portrait roadshow. Yes. Trying to find out the best portrait painter in Britain. It's your painting thing.

Yes, my painting thing, as they call it, on Sky. Well, we did the last one this week, which was in Glasgow. Oh, yeah. And a man painted my subconscious oh yeah yeah like on goldfinger um i don't know what does that mean when they painted someone unconscious you know they can now painted you painted myself i mean shirley eaton yeah well yeah that was right also if, if you played someone... I'd like to see your subconscious.

I've seen Shirley Eaton. Obviously, I left the bones. No, I've met Shirley Eaton. You know what I did? I did the cardinal scene. As soon as I met her, I said, I was great when you got painted gold. And I thought, I can't believe I've done that. Everyone

was saying that to Shirley Eaton. I was desperately trying to think of something else she was in, and I think she was in one of the Doctor films or something like that. Anyway, I didn't want to make a fool of myself. So I was just boring instead. So this chap painted your subconscious? Yeah, she says I paint subconsciences. So what you do, if you just sit there,

just talk, move about whatever and my subconscious will connect with your subconscious and i'll start painting yeah that's okay and he says okay i'm starting i'm gonna start now i said what are you actually feeling he says well i don't know because it's going to my subconscious that's not a very promising start well i finally caught him so we had a long talk about this and he said uh i have no idea i don't have any it's going to my subconscious. That's not a very promising start. Well, I found it quite interesting. We had a long talk about this, and he said, I have no idea, I don't have any... It's hard to have a conversation about it because I don't want to get involved in it at all.

It's nothing to do with my conscious mind. So at the moment, my subconscious is contacting your subconscious, and then the painting will be a sort of a combination of our two subconsciences i said okay i said is he coming on to you no so i said in the mix um what do you think uh what what do you think will be the percentage of my subconscious and your subconscious he said oh about 50 50 i thought it's good that you've got a... It's that. It's that. You can actually give me a figure. But when I got there to have it

painted, he was already painting someone else's subconscious, so I had to wait for that to be done. Oh, was he? Yeah. And, yeah, he was painting the subconscious of Shabazz from Big Brother 7. Oh, lovely. Oh, on the shoulders of giants.

Oh, lovely Oh, on the shoulders of giants This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Do you know the conversation I had this week? I was talking to someone about my about my suits, you know, I've got quite a lot of

suits, you know, I've got quite a lot of suits. I have been wearing a suit every day. You love a suit. Unwashed, we might add. Some. Some unwashed. I don't think of washing a suit. Dry washing. You wash that suit.

What about when I had to wash Frank's pants? You didn't have to. I elected to wash Frank's pants. You didn't want to. You were hungry to wash my pants. That was... It's a bit like... You are disgusting. It's a bit like every woman that wants to be spit on by her. You couldn't wait to wash them.

I'm still wearing them. And you were already... I'm still here. I wasn't. Anyway, so I've found that people... There is a snobbery about suits, a sort of inverted snobbery, I think. Oh, yeah.

I wonder if it's because people wear suits for, you know, office jobs, which some people see as like a dull thing to do. Working for the man, that sort of thing. So someone said, oh, I don't actually own a suit. Oh, yeah. And it was the use of the word own. I wasn't happy with it. Instead of saying I don't have a suit, I don't actually own a suit. Oh, yeah. And it was the use of the word own. I wasn't happy with it. Instead of saying I don't have a suit, I don't own a suit.

It sounds like it's a conscious decision. Yeah. And it's a bit like, we've spoken about this, when people say, I haven't got a telly. Oh, I hate I haven't got a telly. Get out, then. I haven't got a telly. Get out of my life.

I haven't got a telly. But it's just, OK, don't have a telly, but don't say it like that makes you a bright person. Yeah, they wear it like a badge of honour. I don't have a telly. Oh, don't you? And I think the suit thing is a bit like a... I think you're right.

Yeah, I don't, like, you know, I'm so crazy and informal. I don't have a suit. And even worse. I always think that's respectful at funerals. Yeah. What did you do then? What if I passed away? Turn up in old surf shorts?

No, thank you. Exactly. That would be disrespectful. Well, I think even worse is I've only got one suit. That's someone who say that they don't think anything of suits, but they do get invited to a lot of important events, so they kind of have to have one, because, you know... Although you say that, I did quite like that guy

that emailed the show saying that he had one that he'd worn for 20 years for job interviews, weddings, funerals, everything. But that's... Yeah. Unwashed the same suit. Yeah, you're right, I had respect for that man. I imagine it was Brian Ilan. I don't mean his name, I mean...

But I felt his was more due to inertia, which I have respect for. Rather than trying to fight against the establishment, which I don't really have respect for. I think there's a period when you wear an uncleaned suit where it starts to become... You start thinking world record.

You know when it's one day at a time with a dirty suit? You start to see how long you can go, I think. So I was all right with that. But I've noticed another thing like this. I don't like it when people say stuff and you know they're just trying to say something about themselves rather than just answer the question. What sort of thing are you thinking of?

In this recent spell of hot weather, I've noticed people make a big point of saying, oh, I love the hot weather. It's great. Because even a lot of people are moaning about it. And they're trying to say, oh, yeah. They often say, you hear people moaning about it, but I love the hot weather. So I'm not like those hear people moaning about it but I love the hot weather. So I'm not like those people that moan about it. I'm a sort of a Calypso and cocktails

kind of. I love the hot weather. Party, party, party. So I've made a big point of telling people I hate the hot weather. Actually I don't mind it. But I don't love it. I like it about 22. That's where I like it. I don't want 30. So I don't love it. I like it about 22. That's where I like it. I don't want 30.

So it's based on your car air con or something. You know exactly what degree you prefer it. I know. I always think 20, take a jacket, but you might have it over your shoulder for a part of the day. Thanks, Michael Fish. That's what I'm thinking. The trouble is, if you don't wear a jacket, like today, I'm just wearing a shirt, but I've got a bag with me.

Fine. But if you just wear a shirt and you don't have a bag with you, where do you put stuff? A jacket, for me, okay, it's a jacket, but really, it's a bag. You know, it carries stuff. Wallet, phone, keys. Oh, no, I wouldn't want to ruin the line, you see. Oh, yeah, I'm like that. I'm like Dwight York, who apparently bought a Greg's Pasty

and wouldn't take the change because it ruined his suit. Is that right? I love the way footballers never own coins, do they? It might be made up. That story might be made up. But that's what someone told me. Do you want to interrupt the line of his suit? Effectively, he's paid a tenor a day for a Greg's bastard. Emily hasn't interrupted a line since the 90s.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We have the news on silent while the show's on. And I know I'm not supposed to refer to it, but, you know, it's the news. It looks brilliant in North Korea. It just looks... I'm starting to don't believe... What do you mean brilliant? Everyone looks...

They're so coordinated. It's unbelievable. That's what often happens with depression. But when you get that, well, you know, I bet it's safe to walk down the streets in North Korea. That's all I'm saying. People look coordinated in West End musicals. It doesn't mean...

Yeah. And who wouldn't want to live there? Yeah. I imagine it's like a West End musical, but with less homosexuality. That's what North Korea's like. I imagine it's like a West End musical, but with less homosexuality. That's what North Korea's like. I imagine it's like a West End musical. But I could introduce that slowly. You've got to drip feed these people. You can't just turn up with... They do have a... There's a strong interior aesthetic. It's like wallpaper magazine, isn't it?

Yeah, it looks tidy and neat. And also, I think people look great with shaved sides on their hair I was watching Denise Lewis last night she looks fantastic she looks like a Grace Jones figure you could get that it can go a bit smikey Nicholas Nickleby that look that's alright I'm happy with that

it makes me look like a slightly troubled World War 1 veteran when I get my hair but Kim Jong Un has got the same thing. Yeah, he's looking good. He's turning into a bit of an OC of mine, Frank. Yeah, you know what? He's got it going on. He's my gay crush.

I get it. I get it. He is my new gay crush, because I've heard Jesse Eisenberg, who was my previous gay crush, he's actually a bit of a nightmare. Have you? Whereas Kim Jong-un...

Can they hear our show over there? You've only heard good things about him. You should see him juggle. Brilliant. is actually a bit of a nightmare. Have you? Whereas Kim Jong-un... Can they hear our show over there? You should see him juggle. Brilliant. Have we got any listeners, do you think, over there? Oh, I'd love it. Have we got any over here after that conversation? Nevertheless, shall we go wandering?

To our special place? To E-mail Corner. Is it worth... Yeah. Yeah, come on, let's do it. I'll do it. Or shall I just play a Email Corner. Is it work? Yeah. Yeah, come on. Let's do it. Or shall I just play a piece of different music for it? Okay. Okay.

This is different music for Email Corner. Now it's time for Email Corner. It's shorter and a bit sharper on the ear. What have we got? Well, we're going to kick off with a lady called Shona. And she says this she says re your show of the 20th of july that's a great opener i like we know where we are with shona yeah we're going back a week yeah i think she continues as the sister they all? She continues. OK. As the sister of, open quotes, Ian sitting in a dark corner making notes, close quotes... Oh, no.

I feel that I should write and set the record straight. Oh, the new reader style. Yes. I was doing some gigs in Soho, some stand-up gigs over the last couple of weeks, and a man sat in the front row, a man with dyed blonde hair sat in the front row a man with dyed blonde hair sat in the front row it wasn't Australian, sat in

the front row. And it wasn't David Van Day we already established that. And with an A4 pad and wrote down basically everything I said until I asked him not to and then he wrote for a little bit more and in the end I made demands and he stopped and I, obviously

he was a joke thief he's a comedian who's struggling and well not according to his sister i can dine on the crumbs that have fallen from frank skinner's table well his sister says that not so oh i can verify that as he claimed he is not a joke thief far from it he is just a genuine lover of culture and whenever he goes to see a performance be it comedy theater radio recording or concert he always takes his a4 diary and makes notes come on i wouldn't want to go to a lap dancing club with it what are you putting that pencil could be like the lambada do you know they say that that's how you dance the Lombarda?

You put a pencil into your bottom, point it out and imagine... Oh, no, they don't say that. They do. That's how you do it. You imagine... How did you learn it? What is it? You imagine you're writing.

What do you... You imagine... Yeah, you do. That's it. What? What are you writing? Figure eight. You imagine that you're writing a figure eight with the pencil that's in your...

In your bottom. Have you done that on the Sky Arts paint show yet? No. Have we got time to read the rest of this? John Batewell refused to join in. We were in the midst of Shona's email, Shona being the sister of Ian. Ian the scribe. Who was making notes at your gig.

Makes notes at every gig. According to Shona. He always takes his A4 diary and makes notes, much like you might take notes at your gig. Makes notes at every gig. According to Shona. He always takes his A4 diary and makes notes, much like you might take notes at a lecture. He's a genuinely lovely guy and would be mortified to think that he put you off in your gig. He works as a DJ, so if you wanted to see him perform, you can catch him most Friday nights at the Earl of Camden on Parkway.

Note-taking, not obligatory. He might even let you read his notes. Shona Jacobsburg. And she's the sister of him. She's the sister of him. That's lovely though. Lovely loyalty. I want to know what kind of DJ he works as though. I want to know what love is.

I want to know if he's like... I want you to tell me. What do you want to know? What love is. Let me see. I think love is the only four-letter word i don't use whilst having the physicals oh what a lovely love is cartoon that would have been um so have you thought about that before i um is that what that guy that painted your subconscious came up with? I'm going to bring that painting in.

It arrived this morning at my house, apparently. My subconscious took a week to arrive. I'm happy with your... Oh, I haven't been happy since September 24th, 1986. No, but the subconscious of Frank, what I call 2.0, I'm very happy with that. You're nothing to be afeard of. No, no.

Perhaps, Ian, could be the saving of us, because what if there's a cyber war? Mm-hm. And all data is lost. Data? Yeah. Then we could be in a situation. We could be in a situation. We're moving on from data, are we?

Yeah, yeah. It's all gone a bit albino. All Darth is lost. And then we would only have Ian's records to be able to reconsider. I just got Regenerations, which is a Doctor Who box set. It must come over. It's beautiful. It is a thing of beauty. Anyway, one of the episodes of a story called The Tenth Planet

was lost, and they've used animation and recording that a Doctor Who fan did from his telly back in the 60s. And maybe we'll use Ian's stuff like that. I'll be animated. Adrian Charles will do the voiceover. And we can use Ian's notepad. And those golden gigs will not be lost. Golden gigs, of course, is what you catch

if you sleep with the same two brothers. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Who am I? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email us through the Absolute Radio website. Do it.

We love to hear from you guys, because you've got interesting stuff to say. Oh, haven't they? Haven't they ever? Stroke abuse. I have an email here that I was going to read. I don't know if you want to do the symbol crash that you've replaced the email corner jingle with, or if you're happy to just go back and... It's one of it Birmingham Club 79. You're right. You don't know that. I don't know if you want to do the cymbal crash that you've replaced the email corner jingle with or if you're happy to just go acapella.

It's kind of at Birmingham Club 79. You're right. You don't know that. I don't know. Well, you're at the helm. I am at the helm. I don't think we need you. We're in email corner as far as I'm concerned.

We've just heard from Shona Jacobsburg. We're now going to continue. Dear Frank, I thought I should take a moment away from my extensive note-making to send you a quick email. Oh, never mind getting your sister doing your dirty work, he's finally come out the woodwork, are you? Oh, I knew it. Firstly, apologies for distracting you by writing notes during your work-in-progress show at the Soho Theatre last week. I can't believe it's him.

Couldn't you have said show at the Soho Theatre, couldn't it? But he adds work-in-progress to it. Yes, well, I think it was very on the surface. Let you know. Secondly, sorry I didn't hear the subsequent conversation about it on the radio. Brackets, I was volunteering at a daytime concert. Close brackets. Oh, I feel bad now. Good egg.

I think that, yes. That's a very neatly laid good egg, if you don't mind me saying it. I didn't think I'd be able to listen this Saturday either, as I was supposed to be competing in a 24-hour long-distance relay race in Derbyshire. I bet that was for charity. I would have written earlier, but I was helping a blind man across the road. Luckily, however, a last-minute injury to my Achilles tendon means I can now cheer in. See, he's done it again now. He's injured.

He's a do-gooder. He's injured. And he's thrown in a classical illusion. Yeah. Well, I think that injury might be his Achilles heel. I'm calling him the untouchable. He's making himself untouchable. He is.

I'm also available to come in. I gave my radio to a street urchin. I'm also available to come in. Fulfil your listener's query and do some sitting in a dark corner making notes on your DJing, if that would be useful. Cheers, Ian.

Well, as I once heard Ringo Starr say to a friend of mine who asked him for an autograph, No, you're all right. So, Ian, he's come out of the dark corner. Can I just say that he finishes the email with brackets, not a comedian, critic or plagiarist, just to blow up the bad memory, his phone number, his email address and his full street address. Now, I worry about people that finish an email with that much information.

Surely that's... To be fair, we should acknowledge the fact attention must be paid. Look, he has written in. He has, I appreciate that. And he's given quite a thorough explanation. Yeah, I'm OK. I'm OK with Ian. I still don't understand why he writes everything down, but it's fine.

I accept that he's not an evil joke cheat no his reputation is has been um deblemished let's put it that way okay but can i just say to ian please stop putting your full address at the footer of your emails i just think especially after you've annoyed me at a gig because i might just read it all out on here yeah what if frank just turns up with dog excellent yeah you could turn up. You know, unless it's a double bluff and this is like a neighbour's address of someone that he doesn't like. Yeah, he's probably just

written that down when he's passed someone's house. That would have been clever. Quite a nice address, actually. It's nice, that road. Anyway. Anyway, Ian, I love you. We've had word from Vietnam, Frank. What? Okay. Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, listening to the show I love you we've had word from Vietnam Frank dear Frank Emily and the Cockerel

listening to the show from Da Nang Vietnam together with my wife Min my wife? yes he surveils it my wife I think there's someone responding when you said have we got any listeners in North Korea and he's thinking I'm probably nearest

is it near? it's not North Korea it'll do we're on the judging panel in North Korea and he's thinking I'm probably nearest. Is it near? I don't know. It's not North Korea. It'll do. We're on the judging panel for the annual Da Nang Sandcastle competition here tomorrow and really haven't a clue. It's changed, hasn't it? It's changed Vietnam.

Can you think of any... I like the way that you sound slightly regretful and we're still about that. No, no, it's tremendous news. It's changed a bit. It's Alan Partridge, tremendous news. I don't remember that, you know, in Apocalypse Now, there was no

Sandcastle judging. I think it's good. Peace has fallen on a beautiful place and I'm happy about that. Can you think of any suitable, knowledgeable Sandcastle judge comments to give, Or criteria? By the way, my wife is also a regular listener. Is this your first Vietnamese listener?

Oh, no, no, one thing at a time. Comments on... If you were judging a Sandcastle contest, Em, what would be your approach? It's not my sort of work, I have to say. It's not really in my area of expertise. I might say to someone, this is over elaborate, have you got Torret Syndrome?

Very good. That would be a starter, wouldn't it? Nice moats. I think moisture's important as well. Yeah, that's a good one. Moats are good, aren't they, Grant? Yeah, they're... Not moaty, but moats. Yeah, I agree.

Yes. Yeah, not Moti, but Motes. Yeah, I agree. Yes, does Glitter still live in Narm? No, I think he's... Good, that's it. Everything's got better there. You know, I've never been there. I've decided on the strength of this email. But it's not over yet. Oh, well, we'll come back to it, because I need to play some music. But yeah, you can have that one.

I know it's got its drawbridges, backs. Lovely. Okay. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. I was just

reading out Mike's email from Vietnam. You look great in those glasses. Do I? Yeah. Where were we? Thrown by the praise. By the way, my wife is also a regular listener. This is a Sandcastle judge.

This is Min. Yes. Very well remembered. Is this your first Vietnamese listener? I think it is. Maybe. As I have to explain a few of the references, she said that you lot seem to have a lot of fun talking rubbish and telling lies.

But they're not lies that would annoy anyone. Love the show, Mike. Lovely. I love men. Me? Lie? No, maybe not. No, well, that's lovely. I like the idea.

They're on a beach listening to us. They probably aren't. They're probably at home. But I like the idea. I imagine it's lovely and warm all the time, isn't it, in Vietnam? I suspect so. Have you been there? No, one of the few places I haven't been.

Oh, is that right? Let's go and let's just turn up at their house. What, should we do like a show from Vietnam? We could. It's probably possible that we could get there in time for the Sandcastle competition. Wouldn't that be brilliant? Imagine if we turned up. I'd like to reign on this fantasy.

Me in a big Joan Collins hat. I've got commitments. What, the DVD? He's finally getting around to watching it. It was on special. On special, Frank. We've all got commitments what the dvd you're watching he's finally getting around to watching it was on special on special price we'll use everything must go i brought it for the long haul flight yeah 199 49p i hated it first time all right anyway that's a lovely uh lovely lovely and you're right we do lie but not in a bad way. Do we lie? Well, you did say that...

Was it next or gap that you said you started up one week? Oh, he always tells lies. Oh, well done. What's your point? I think that might have been a fit. Yeah, you don't even remember which one I started up. That's how self-centred you are. Do you? Do you? That's the question. Yes, I do.

This is the most childish argument you've ever question. Yes, I do. This is the most childish argument you've ever had. Obviously I didn't start next. Frank, how come all the breakfast shows and things, they go to glamorous locations. We're just stuck in this studio. The OC takes his team. They went to a shed this week. They went to

America, didn't they? Did they go to America? Yeah. We don't go nowhere. It'll be Vietnam. Vietnam we could do. That's because we don't... What about North Korea? Imagine we did the show from there. That would be absolutely...

Imagine how neat the show would be and how orderly. And then I can start on my quest to meet... And we'd say, oh, I know it's time for... Missile Corner! Dude, where we have to talk about our favourite missiles. And obviously we'd be sponsored probably by a missile manufacturer. And that's saying, by the way, if you're looking for a missile, why not phone Yam Jung Wing, who does some brilliant ones.

I'd do it. I would. Yeah. I'd do it. I would. Yeah, I'd... Only because I want to track down... Kim Jong-un. Yes. What's the currency in North Korea? Do you know that?

I don't know, but they're good for... For instance... It's so poor there isn't one. Goodwill? Yeah, I hope so. We had a text from 624. I was once chased by a dog while enjoying an aniseed sweet.

Remember earlier we were discussing... You see? Oh, yeah. That's what you call verification. That man has said, or woman, has backed me up. I very much appreciate that. Aniseed... I'm surprised you don't know. It's a sort of traditional thing. I've never heard of that.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know what we haven't talked about this morning, boys? We need to talk about George, don't we? Trial baby! Indeed.

I love that babber. Do you? Yeah, I've totally fallen for it. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Fallen for him. They could have called him the artist formerly known as Prince, couldn't they? Just had a bit of fun with it. He's still known as Prince now, isn't he?

Yeah, but they could have done that anyway. They could have done that for a long... They wouldn't have expected people to scrutinise it. He's George. He'll be George VII, won't he? If he gets to be a king. That's funny, because it sounds quite old-fashioned. It sounds like an old king. Well, of course, George I was the, inverted commas,

owner of Peter the Wild. Do you know, that had slipped my mind. Yeah. I wonder if George VII will have a modern-day equivalent. Who knows how society will have changed by then. Who would it be? If you don't know Peter the Wild, a co-seer it.

If you don't know Peter the Wild, there's no place for you in my existence. They could have called him Peter the Wild, couldn't they? That would have been nice, wouldn't it? Prince Peter the Wild? Yeah, we're going to turn the whole game on its head. Were you excited by it? I tell you what, the first, I loved it when they emerged from the hospital.

I got very excited waiting for that. When was that? So that must have been, must have been... Tuesday. It was the Tuesday. It was the Tuesday. They emerged, didn't they? I tell you what I liked.

I liked that Wills, he's very good with the media now, isn't he? You see, he knows what he's doing. He's all quite practiced and media trained. He made jokes about his hair, Frank, which I thought was good. I'm on about the actual... Oh, yeah, when they came out, when they emerged. I watched it. We watched it.

Kath was very keen on watching it. We watched it on Sky for about five hours. Ladies love the royals. We love the royals. Kay Burley, who is like the most hard-nosed, you know, had to do Gentle and Loving. It was interesting to watch. But she was going around interviewing the crowds

who were waiting outside. There's a certain type of person who attends royal events in lots of red, white and blue regalia. It was a very unfortunate comment made as well. There was, yes. I don't think we should repeat that. No, I don't think we should.

Can you tell me off for Heather? Yes, I will. I don't want to be uncut. They're the sort of people who wear a lot of badges. Yeah. You know, those sort of people. Yeah. And they all seemed, generally speaking, very genial and stuff.

I was surprised what a common denominator there was. And they'd been waiting there and they'd been to all the royal events and they had pictures of the queen, T-shirts and stuff like that. Yeah, that was them. And then, of course, Town Crier. The faux Town Crier. Oh, I liked him. Did you?

I liked tradition in its many manifestations, but, you know, I've never been partial to a town crier. They're a bit full of themselves, generally. And even though he was a little old man who a lot of people would have thought was sweet, I thought, once they get that bell in their hands, they really fancy themselves. They're power mad town criers. Yeah.

Of course, the palace has got its own crier now, hasn't it? Oh, well... Because there's the shouting and then there's the actual... That's brilliant. Yeah. Well, I'm just going to announce that we're going to

play some music. Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! I wasn't expecting that. That was just while I was putting it down. You know, we're humble on this show and we're always happy to be corrected. I believe Emily said, ladies love the royals. We've had a text in from 321, correction, ladies don't all love the royals we've had a text in from 321 ladies don't all love the royals I think she's right

and she's obviously meaning ladies love cool Jay that's what ladies love you've totally missed the quote cool James you're right ladies love cool James. His name's James something.

Cool. I feel put in my place. Yeah. Okay. Like the commoner that I am. Anyway, the town crier, he wasn't booked, was he? He wasn't an official. No, he wasn't an official turn.

I bet his rate's gone up since then. What do you mean? Imagine he's in disgrace. You can't just think. He was a town crier drive-by. You can't just turn up and town cry. Well, he's from Romford. I'm not saying that excuses it, but he did say...

It does help us understand. So he's driven up there deliberately. What he's done, Frank, he's driven up there. Imagine if you step out in front of a town crier's car. Instead of a horn. One more. I hope he's got... I hope he has that as his text alert on his phone.

Yeah, I'd say so. He said he mounted the pavement, he mounted the steps, because he said he was slightly G'd up by the news crews, the American news crews. They wanted it to be that story. Of course, yeah. He was probably hired by them. He said he was high.

Strung out. He didn't look strung out. What about the Middletons? They got a cab. I'm surprised they got a black cab. I thought they could have stretched to a car, maybe. A stretch limo. Yeah.

But did you see the cab driver afterwards? She was a lady cab driver. Yeah. And it was a bit unfortunate. She spoke to the papers. Never speak to the papers. They will push you away. Did she say she didn't do her hair or something?

Oh, I should have done my hair. She said they didn't tip me. And she also said I get a lot of famous people in my cab. I had Lily Allen, Julian Clary and Russell Grant recently. Blimey. Is it one of those pink cabs that you see sometimes? Something's attracting them. What do you think Russell Grant predicted about the Royal Baby?

I bet he said it was a girl. Yeah, probably, yeah. Well, I don't... To be fair to the Middletons, and we like to be fair to the Middletons on this show, it was prepaid, that cab. If I'm in Middletons, and we like to be fair to the Middletons on this show, it was pre-paid, that cab. Yeah, wasn't it? If I'm in a pre-paid car, I don't tip.

Was it a pre-paid cab? I mean, why bring up the sordid subject of money if you don't have to? Exactly. Yeah, it was a pre-paid. Apparently, old man Middleton, he offered the pay of the 50, and she said, I know it's all right, it's pre-paid. Then she's moaning to the paper, she didn't get a tip. And on top of that, it's 15 quid, isn't it?

And I thought the taxi culture was you don't really have to round it up if it's like a number like 15 or 20 or... Do you think that? I think so. I think you'll find that's your culture. Being a mate is amazing if they get a tip out the cockerel. They do, mostly. Do they?

I'm quite good on the tipping, yeah. Is that why you carry all that bag of pennies? Well, anyway. Or a little adage, like, don't eat yellow snow, that sort of thing. Did you see the Queen arrive? No. No. Has she been?

I've never seen anyone look so low in a car. Was she in a sports car? You could barely see her. No, she was in the back of... Like a lotus. She was in the back of a very lotus. You could barely see her head above the side window. Is she very, very short?

Yeah. Looked like the Queen had been in storage. Hadn't been properly unfolded, if you can imagine such a thing. Anyway, we can talk about this till the cows come home. But this is no time to speak about bovine absenteeism. This is Frank Skinner i've slipped radio i'll tell you what i've been wanting to talk to you boys about have you heard about there's been a rather i'm going to call it um a bit of a filthy creeps book club i'm calling it it's been launched in new york recently and it's it's a topless book club. Oh yes I did. I saw

an article. I like the phrase topless book club because I like it when you're in places and it says like bottomless coffee. You know when you say because that's a phrase isn't it? Bottomless coffee. In the places you frequent. It means they come round and fill it back up. Oh yeah.

Bottomless pit I'm familiar with. It was Ingrid Pitt's nickname. She's been these green hammer films very she's very flat in there yeah but the idea is that these ladies let's call them like-minded ladies are they all ladies yes well okay no there's a chap is there a chap there hangs out with them but i think that's just i thought the idea behind it is that women are sort of reclaiming the right to some base topless. Yeah. And there's a slight sort of clause in the law or something in New York which means you're allowed to do that. I have to say, the topless book club, isn't that an idea from Judy Finnegan?

Surely she combined those two concepts and made herself a star. What it is, is they are insisting on being allowed to meet up in groups wherever men can. It wasn't all nice anyway. It's a big old white bra. If you were going to present an award, even though it won't be seen, you'd think I'm wearing one of my nice bras. Because you know what, Frank?

Not a big white. You know what my, also my feeling, a big nursing bra. My feeling is I'll know. You know, like today. Yeah, exactly. Today, I've made an effort. I'm not going to say too much. Because if you've got nice underwear on, you feel good about yourself.

Yesterday, I had Peppa Pig underpants on. That's absolutely true, because I'd reached the end of the line. And I never felt fully confident in the day. You were out of Calvin Classics, were you? Well, they were on the cloud source. I didn't want to go downstairs with no pants on. So I thought, I'll wear the Peppers. I don't like the mixture, I have to say.

Yeah, she was wearing a bra that looked like she might have got it on prescription. That's not what you wear to a big night out like that. Anyway, it's a long time ago We've forgiven her obviously I don't Forgiven I had therapy for two months Anyway the topless book club What is it about?

It's about reclaiming They're literature loving ladies That like to Go bare chested and read books And they want to be able to do that Where men can go bare chested Well there's a man in one of the pictures he's got great legs um oh he's bottomless is he he's not he's in the

bottom of his book club to a degree the book is secondary it's about i would say although i have to say this is my idea of absolute hell firstly book clubs are a bit 90s i find i'm sorry but they are and secondly no but i don't happily join the book i don't agree and i'm sorry, but they are. And secondly, no, but I don't... I'd happily join a book club. I don't agree, and I'm sorry to disappoint people, but I don't believe in topless sunbathing. I think, why give them a free look, is what I say. Yeah, they have to... I charge. They've got to at least buy a meal, surely.

At least buy Greg's pasty, keep the change. No, I think... Even as a sort of... As a man who might be walking by on the beach, I don't like you. Thank you, why not? Because you can't, it's a no-win situation. You know, you can't. Cockrell's quite quiet, Frank.

I'm listening, I'm very quiet. There was an incident, well, maybe I'll tell you this after this, but I find myself in an awkward situation. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We were talking about the topless book club. Yeah, and... I still haven't quite got to the root of what it's all about. So,

essentially... Tell you my incident, anyway. Okay, tell us about the incident. This is not a... Well, I suppose there's a plug on the way but it's not it's not intentionally a plug you know i've been i told you i i recorded this like saturday night shiny floor all around family entertainment all singing and dancing you love your country yes it's called i love my country it's being trailed at the moment it actually had a very good review I read the other day. Don't tell me about reviews. Okay. Anyway, I should be avoiding those.

I'm actually going to live under tarpaulin for two weeks until the dust settles. Anyway, it's the first time I've done a real proper big mainstream series like that. It's Saturday night, you know what I mean? So there's a bit... I watched the first episode and these ladies come on

from the Notting Hill Carnival. Oh, yeah. And all in their glamorous outfits, you know. And there's a bit where they cut to me, obviously looking either at the legs of one of the...

When you say glamorous outfits, are they like Zumba outfits or just like... What outfits? Like Zumba. Is that what's payday loan, Cockney? I don't know what a Zumba outfit is. Like with a carnival dancing on a float. Yeah, you know, what else are they going to be? When you said they were in...

There's only two people you ever see dancing at the Notting Hill Carnival. Women in elaborate sexy outfits and the police. And the police, yeah. And I had to dance for them a bit like a policeman trying to join in and saying I'm part of the crowd. Describe your expression

then. Did you look a little bit lecherous? I really was. In my defence, it was a look that then? Did you look a little bit lecherous? I really would stay out and put it in. It was, I mean, in my defence, it was a look that without it humanity would cease to exist. Do you know, I've never felt more ill than the prospect of any

television moment in my life. I think I've been betrayed. I think that really, if you sit in the edit, you think, well, we won't put that in because the poor chap's been caught. He's dropped his guard, and a leer has fallen across his face. What's Cathy going to say when she sees this? When people...

When they say, did you see Frank Skinner's leer, when I imagine people saying that, I was thinking it was going to be at the Royal Shakespeare Company. Not on Saturday night, like entertainment show. But I do, I lapse, and I... Can I apologise in advance? And that's what I imagine the Topless Book Club would be like.

Especially if I was their bottomless member. Also, I don't think the two things are compatible. I think going topless is a bit bad, Sandy, in Greece, and reading, good, Sandy. Well, you said earlier... The two won't mix. You said earlier that they, earlier that they read the books, and it says in the article,

the ladies take the literature side very seriously. But there's a photograph of them, tops off, and they're all reading different books. Now, I'm not an expert on book groups. You've got to read the same book. But you're an expert on topless sunbathing. Exactly. No, it's... I'm not happy with it.

I'm sorry. What about sad books? What if they end up weeping all across their own chest? That's not... That's all right. That's all right. I don't have a problem with that. I don't know if I'd like that.

I think we should continue this off air. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us through the Absolute website. I tried to do one of those things they do on the adverts when they've got the North Conditions on all over. Yeah, C's and C's.

And I think you might have said Fink on the Radio, which I quite like. Fink. Fink all the way. Yeah, C's and C's. And you end up, I think you might have said Fink on the radio, which I quite like. Fink. Fink on the radio. Yeah, I like him. I've been called a Fink before now. So, yeah, the Tottenham's book club, that was that. And I prefer a conventional bookmark.

Personally. I just, I think it's showing off, isn't it it if they're not reading the same book it depends doesn't it well the people who like um nudity are people who shouldn't be naked usually oh you're so right like that naked bike ride do you know i'll never get over that although i quite weirdos i mean why not why not other stuff you? Why not stretch it out? Topless book club to... Some of them are. Topless cooking.

I did a bit of topless cooking the other day. Dangerous. Don't fry. Did you? Don't fry. I went my shirt off in the garden and then I kind of came in and did a bit of... But don't fry.

Hot fat spits up. I can see you, what, with a cut-off jean short Huckleberry Finn style. Yeah. Top of the stars, that would be a good idea as well. I dated a naturist. Did you? Yeah. How did that go? Um, it's alright. Took some of the novelty out of it, I'll be straight with you.

One likes to feel one's getting a certain exclusivity. That's what I mean. I'm not going to date three and one fell swoop. I won't do it. Yeah, I've done that. No, you're quite right. Although I have read by the light of a glow-in-the-dark prophylactic, but that's a different

story. Don't I? The moths. I love their music. The second album was particularly good. So what else, guys? What about this? Did you read about this caretaker in Pittsburgh?

I was going to say, like, Pittsburgh PA. Yeah, no, he did something. This is an awkward subject. I think, you know, I need to tread carefully here. It involves the consumption of alcohol, Frank. Oh, yes, this is the whiskey keeper. The whiskey keeper, yeah. He was tasked with guarding $100,000 worth of vintage whiskey,

and it turned out he'd drunk it all in a year. So he basically had a bottle a week. That's not that bad, really. Yeah, but there must have been that point where week one, he's got 52 bottles to drink. Week one, he has a bottle, and he thinks, oh, no, I shouldn't have done that, really. But, you know, let's stop it there.

I can say it was knocked over. And then the next week, well... So it's not like he's gone mad. No-one's suggesting he drank 52 in a night. I reckon what happened is he couldn't get through a whole bottle, so he'd drink about three quarters which is reasonable and then he'd go back the next week and think well I can't leave that bottle like that

and have the quarter be just enough to rattle his willpower so he starts another one it's like a domino effect would you say a bottle a week of whiskey though is that I mean is that was that a slow week for you well I didn't i only drank whiskey when it was free so i can see his temptation um no i would be very surprised if he's only drinking that free whiskey i'd say he's a man who uh no you're right he's supplement it's

a supplement the owner of the house that uh is has got him on trial, she also wants him tried for the theft of 200 bottles of Coca-Cola as well. So it's whisky and Coke. A lot of ice has got me. There's still a lot of ice off her. No, well, he said, didn't he, that it had evaporated. He said, I didn't do it. I love it evaporated. It's up there with my favourite ever excuses.

I didn't drink it all. It must have evaporated and it probably wasn't that good anyway because it was that old. Yeah. I don't know if we've said it's from the Prohibition era. Was it? Yeah. Somebody had stashed it in the building

and then the building's been sort of made up and someone's doing some renovating and they fail. Yeah. Well, if it was booty, he's entitled to drink it. I'm not sure if that's how the law will see it, but yeah. Well, I'd say that's a booty call. That's what I'd say. That's the earlier story.

Yeah, I think I've changed my mind that Matton's innocent and I will fight for him. I'm all right. I'm just going to pen a protest song. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're talking about the whisky man. It turned out the whisky he said it evaporated.

It wasn't me he said. I like the use of the word evaporated as if it was milk. It must. It does evaporate now. whisky. In corked bottles when it's been there for hundreds of years. Yeah, but when Frank starts defending someone, he won't get off that horse. That's it.

Just like this with Kim Jong-un. Kim Jong-un. You people, just make a noise for the surname. Have some respect. What about that Birmingham man? Oh, yeah. Can we discuss the Birmingham man? Oh, yeah. Can we discuss the Birmingham man? Do you mean the bloke from the Dudley bloke?

Yeah. I wasn't talking about you in a very rude fashion, by the way. What about that Birmingham man who did all that for himself? Let's discuss it tentatively. OK. Yes. The chap was stopped by the police. He was.

In an area where ladies of the night frequent. Yeah. And one of them was in his passenger seat while he was getting money out of the cash machine 20 pounds and he said he was buying tomatoes yeah yeah 20 pounds she was in there to show him where to buy tomatoes it's obvious that's the question i love it sadly it seems so. He has been convicted. Oh, really? He was charged. He's been fined. Yeah, but there's a quote that I really like.

A spokesman for the West Midlands Police said, they told the story and they said, luckily, our officers saw through his lies. Well, well done, the officers. I wouldn't even call them lies. It's such a ridiculous... Like, his lies. Like, he's lies. Like, he put together this very careful, elaborate web of deceit.

Yeah. I was, uh... She's just shown me where to get some, um... tomatoes. Do you think that's what happened? I think he panicked his way to tomatoes. I think he was like, oh, yeah, I was just out doing a food shop. I want melons, plums, little fried eggs, sausage, no, tomatoes, that is safe, that

is definitely safe. What if he's telling the truth and we're sitting there and this man has been, who once again another victim of injustice. 20 pounds, come on. They could make a film about it, like that Daniel Day-Lewis and Pete Postlethwaite one. The miscarriage of Justice one. I can't remember what it's called now. My Left Foot one of those.

That's the one. My Left Foot. No, not that one. What are my favourite... I interviewed some West Brom players the other night at an event at Birmingham Town Hall. Players from the late 70s, early 80s. Oh, how did that go?

I had a great time. Oh, that's what counts. And one of the players he's called Willie Johnston and famously in a League Cup game he kicked the referee up the bottom quite hard and was

sent off. And his excuse was he said, I didn't mean to kick him up the bottom, but he turned round at the last minute. Excellent. That is a good excuse. I once went to see All In Wrestling at Smedic Baths, Thimble Mill Baths in Smedic. You were grappling, weren't you, back in the day?

And I remember the MC said... We were expecting Klondike Jake. Oh, yeah? The Klondike brothers were quite famous. They were sort of the early prototype for Joint Haystacks. Oh, yeah. I was a huge fan of his. He said, Klondike Jake can't be here tonight because he's in Glasgow. Oh.

Which I didn't think really constituted an excuse. I mean, I know geographically it was correct that you can't be in two places at once, but he promised. He was on the posters. Oh, right, yeah. It's difficult when you

have a problem that sounds like an excuse. Like, I've had phone problems recently and when people say, oh, I've been trying to get hold of you about that bit of work, and you're like, yeah, yeah, I've got email and phone problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just sounds like... It sounds terrible, that. Nobody has email problems, do they?

Email problems just sound... Everyone gets every phone call. Daisy Producer did that to me once. They did? It was. It was a saga that went on for months. If anyone says that to me, oh, yeah, I've had real problems with the text just lately,

I think it's okay. Just say I didn't want to answer it. Yeah, there are some excuses that you just can't... I mean, if I am ill, if I'm properly ill, and I'm not doing something because I'm ill, and I speak to someone involved, I make myself sound more ill. We all do the croaky voice. Even though I'm ill. I speak to someone involved, I make myself sound more ill. Even though I'm ill.

Why am I having to prove? Why do I feel I have to lie ill if I'm ill? That's this week's texting. We haven't had a texting this week. No. I sometimes think we're not interactive enough. What worst excuse you've ever heard? Yeah, that sort of thing.

Okay. Unfortunately, obviously, we don't have a context to ask that. Okay, and what's the worst excuse you've ever heard? There you see, that wasn't so bad, was it? Okay, yeah. Let's see how it goes. Oh! Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were asking if we had any listenership in Da Nang earlier on. Did we ask that? Well, kind of a jumped up query, isn't it? It wasn't that specific. I think we said, how far away do people listen?

Or something along those lines. Are you doing your own those lines I was intrigued by I was intrigued by the Vietnamese demographic I'm excited that people listen to us in Vietnam because it seems like we've had an email from Yvonne a different country in many ways

the indications look good because the email is titled Da Nang I know I prefer oh Da Nang we too are sitting in Da Nang listening to yourang. I know, I prefer, oh, Da Nang. We too are sitting in Da Nang listening to your broadcast. We're on our honeymoon. We were very surprised to hear your recent call-out referencing the couple who will be judging

the Sandcastle competition here in Da Nang, Vietnam. Small world. It is. It's nice, isn't it? Why don't you go tomorrow to that and then you go over to the couple. Who judges it? Paul Danann judges it.

Min. Min and... Oh, yeah, Min. Go over and say that. Min and Mike. Mike and Min. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? That's what they're called, Mike and Min.

You might make a Mike and Mindy. Mmm, dopey me. Yeah, that's how friendships are formed. Is it? Many a friendship formed over a sandcastle. There was in my childhood. Twice we went to Barry Island. OK.

Is it time for a little email, Frank? I'm happy to go to email corner. I'll see what we got. Email corner. Alright, we've arrived now. Okay. You were talking... You have to do that because it's very foggy around the interior.

You have to warn people. You did a gig in Birmingham this week. I did. I say a gig. There was something of a corporate element to it, but it says, my fiancé and I, we got engaged two weeks ago, thoroughly enjoyed your three degrees cooler, an evening with the legends of West Bromwich Albion in Birmingham on Wednesday. It was brilliant.

We unfortunately had to rush off at the end to catch the last train home, leaving my fiancé's colleague at the town hall. Once home, we went on Facebook to find that the colleague had been invited backstage to meet you and have a photo with you. My fiancé was beyond distraught. As I'm sure he won't mind me

saying this, you're his hero. He's come to a number of your shows. I even made him a Frank Skinner mug for Christmas this year with pictures of you doing your pants dance for Britney Spears. I've probably got clearance for that picture. I was hoping you could give him a shout out on Saturday. He always listens to your show. His name is Michael Eaglesfield and it would literally make his year and make up for missing out the I was hoping you could give him a shout out on Saturday. He always listens to your show. His name is Michael Eaglesfield

and it would literally make his year and make up for missing out the opportunity of meeting you. That's from Antonia Rossiter. Antonia Rossiter. My God. No, you didn't. Well, okay. Michael Eaglesfield. Well, they must be living

in sin then. Are you going to give him a shout out? I will. What about a big shout-out for Michael Eaglesfield in the house? Yeah. Let me hear you say, yeah. Shout-outs. It's like Steve Wright in the afternoon on BBC One when I was at school. He used to do shout-outs. I don't really do shout-outs.

Well, you just did. The 17th century French writer who described London as one long shout. Excellent. Yes, it was a fabulous night, I must say. If you like in-jokes,

I mean, I did 15 minutes at the top and it was the most hardcore West Brom reference. Yeah. Honestly,

the, the, the, the, the guy, like the sort of stage manager, who's from Devon, said to me,

can I just say, well done, but I didn't get one of those jokes. Oh, really? They had punchlines like, think of the money, that would have saved Liam Ridgewell. So I'm not going to repeat any here. But there was some fabulous stuff. For example, we interviewed, I interviewed Cyril Regis, So I'm not going to repeat any here. But there was some fabulous stuff. For example, we interviewed, I interviewed Cyril Regis.

You've heard of him at least? Oh, yeah. Me and him got the Freedom of Sanwell together, the same ceremony. How lovely. Me, him and Julie Walters. He's a big lad, isn't he? He's muscular. And he was telling us that we used to live in Harleston in North London. And he got a phone call from a mate saying,

Come round our house. My sister has met Muhammad Ali in a club and he's coming back. He's coming back to our house in Halston. So all these blokes lined up, you know, to get his autograph. So he's... Muhammad Ali has met this young woman in a club. I think we can safely say there's only one reason

he's gone back to our house in Halston. He wasn't buying tomatoes. No, and when he gets there, there's loads of young men with autographed books writing for him. The horror. The horror. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Talking about excuses this morning on Absolute Radio. We've had one in. He doesn't have... I'm not quite sure what his name is. It seems to be Operations. I don't think that can be a name.

Anyway, he says, Worst excuse I ever heard. A boy I went to school with came up with a great excuse for not doing his homework. He said he got a bead trapped in his pencil case so he couldn't open it in case he got stung. So much more thoughtful than my dog ate it. That is excellent.

And it could be true. Yeah. Well, we've heard from Dean in East Finchley, who also has a good... Worst excuse I ever heard was a frequently late worker was asked by his bosses in Sellafield why he didn't turn in on the Monday morning. His excuse was that on the Sunday,

his children had been playing football in the front garden and had smashed one of the window panes in the front door. To prevent a draft he blocked the hole with a jumper. He said the following morning when his workmates came to pick him up, instead of knocking on the door they must have knocked on the jumper and he didn't hear them.

He was sacked. Finishes Dean in East Finchley, yeah. I like the idea that they would have knocked on the jumper, but it wouldn't occur to them. From the spongy muteness of it knocking, that it wasn't all right indoors. It's perfect. What about Jill says,

Hi, Frank, I think people exaggerate when they're really ill because they've lied about it previously and it's kind of a residual guilt. Oh, yeah. What do you say to that? Well, I've never... Actually, I don't lie about being ill because I always think if I lie about being ill,

I'll get ill as some terrible divine punishment. I only did it once when I was at The Gap working as a greeter and I said I had appendicitis. I wonder if this is when I was managing. I said I had appendicitis. I wonder if this is when I was managing. I said I had appendicitis because I had my university interview. Is this you now? Are you reading this out? Yeah, this is me. Sorry.

Can you go back to your Emily Dean voice rather than the reading voice? I worked at the Gap in Oxford Street as a greeter. I went, hi, and welcome to Gap. Hi, welcome to Gap. I carried on in that vein. It'd have to be an injured larynx to stop you doing that job. Well, I had my university interview, and I was too scared to say, look, actually, I've been lying, and this wasn't a career job,

it was only a summer job. So I said, it was terrible. So I just didn't go in. And my mum said, you're going to have to say you're ill. So I said I had appendicitis. And they sent cards, they sent flowers. I went back into work went back oh that's worse i think it was awful i said oh it really hurts it's okay now she said your appendix isn't

on that side oh no i swear she said that but you should have said isn't it so hard to detect localized pain when you're in agony oh dear that's i feel sorry for the people who sent flowers from gap i know that you've done well for yourself couldn't you send them a little refund i don't Oh, dear. I feel sorry for the people who sent flowers from Gap. Now that you've done well for yourself, couldn't you send them a little refund? I don't know where Wayne or Prince are. I'll try and find them. You were managed by two Alsatians.

Anyway. Can I tell you, I haven't talked at all this week... What? I wouldn't go so far as to say that. ..an excursion I had midweek with Bob from the show and Daisy from the show. Now, this is like when you find out, don't you think, Hal,

when you find out that your friends have been somewhere without you that you weren't even asked about. I do feel a bit like that. We went off, didn't we? What did we miss? Oh, we had a lovely evening. Last time it was the Rolling Stones.

What was it this time? This time, well, we're something of an unusual triumvirate, but I think it's working. I think it's going well. I think this might be our second evening out. We went to see Russell Kane. Oh? Yes.

I'm working with him soon. Yes. In Edinburgh. Yes, I should say, because you probably won't, that Emily is co-hosting a kind of a comedy chat show correct which i said what's it on bob it's on go on i'll translate if you don't worry about the fact you're not amplified you don't even ever look at that microphone longingly again or you're fired did you hear that yes on the yahoo website. Yahoo have decided they're going to start making comedy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I would give a big whoop of delight, but I think it might be promoting them in some way. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I'm in a theatre in Islington with Bob from the show and Daisy from the show and me from the show.

It's very hot. It's a bit of a Turkish bath situation. Russell's opened the windows. You're telling me you took Daisy and Bob to a Turkish bath. It was a bit of an eye-opener. Russell's opened the windows, it's so hot. He said, I don't care about the noise from the bars downstairs, it's too hot. It was considerate of him. These people were filing in, these people come and sit.

It was the day that the Royal Baby News was announced. I think the news must have been announced about five or something. That's when I heard. Really? So these people come... No, I think it was about eight, wasn't it? No, it was about an hour and a half. No, no.

It was definitely... It had happened. It happened at 4.45, didn't it? Or 4.41. Yeah. I know a lot about it. I think the news was released about an hour later, let's say. I've got a Royal Baby app on my phone and it still hasn't told me that there's a baby.

That's not my problem. I've got Royal Baby crap on my phone. I left it there to try and pick up some private conversation. Anyway. I think it was 8 o' pick up some private conversation. Anyway. Oh, shit, I think it was 8 o'clock. You'll probably sympathise. Text in, but only if I'm right. You'll probably sympathise with these people.

The people in front of us, very Islington, the men had those tartan shorts, the women had what I call socially responsible clothing. That's what they were wearing. OK. And they start talking. One of the guys, and i hated this man i didn't like him you know when you take against someone i just didn't like him i know when you

take against someone and i really did he suddenly said well have you heard about the royal baby then it's got a name i must have been the name announcement so it was a name announcement so changes everything it does change everything hold that text yeah too late we've had the 50 piece he said it's got a name and the socially responsible clothing women went oh what is it and he was acting it was like he was walter cronkite announcing jfk's that he was so self-important he went oh yeah i know what it is it's george alexander louis and they went really and i hated the whole thing. I hated him, I didn't like

the women. What do people say really in that context? Is he going to say, no it isn't? I didn't like it. And also I didn't like that the Islington women were a bit, oh I don't know anything about royalty in that way. See, that's a bit of I don't own a suit. Exactly. It was like, oh I haven't bothered keeping up with the news.

Yeah, because that's the sort of news that common people are interested in. That's the suggestion. I got a bit angry. I said, oh, God, these people. Did you? Yeah. How loud? Pretty loud, wasn't it, Daisy?

Did you? And then I said, haven't you got smartphones? Very loudly. I know. I got angry. But then, Frank, it got even more awks because Russell was talking to the audience. He said at one point, has anyone

ever dated someone from the North? And I think he thought Bob said something. He said, what did you say, mate? Bob's industry. It's difficult for him. And Bob said, nothing, mate. I didn't say anything. Bob's arts and crafts. He shouldn't be asked. Could have been worse, Bob. He could have asked you about your personal hygiene.

But Bob went shaggy. I guess you don't know Bob, doesn't he? Bob basically doesn't. I think once a fortnight, Bob's partner gives him a rubdown with some dettol and a jaycloth. Bob stands in the sink at their place. Thank God he didn't ask you about that. Well, what did you do, Bob? Did you answer did you answer as if you cited the shaggy defense he said it wasn't me and as a comic that i suppose that's

not helpful is it someone says that i really hated bob i really thought bob's brought me down now i really didn't think bob obviously didn't know you were but um oh god but, oh, God, they'll be paying back on that, trust me. So when that happens at gigs with you two, then, not suggesting that you do a strange chuckle while they're shoked together. No. But how does that... Is that difficult, though, when someone... That's this.

But we keep our live work very strictly apart, don't we? Oh. We perform in the same city within a month of each other. I don't know, I've performed on shows when you've hosted. Oh, yeah. Have you? And vice versa, in fact. Ah, yes.

So that was a tissue of lies. Yeah. Bless you. That's our memory then. Okay. So my question is, I know, but I'm interested by the nature of heckling. What's the worst kind of heckle then? But that was, see, that's not really... That's not a heckle, you're right. No. What's the worst kind of heckle then but that wasn't see that's not really that's not

a heckle you're right what's the worst audience response i think sometimes audience uh people don't they answer as if you're having a conversation in the public the worst one that sticks in my mind this is a pretty horrible story but i'm doing a gig in manchester there's a big gig it was stormy i said to this bloke i was talking talking about kids. I said, have you got kids, mate? He said, not alive, no. Wow. And that's quite

a difficult moment in a comedy thing. Now, I'm sure he was telling the truth, but why didn't he just say no? Yeah. Or yes. I'm glad he didn't say yes

because it would have been awkward, but... Yeah. Or he could have done a mock faint. Or he could have... Or he could have said it wasn't me, the Bob. It wasn't, perhaps. The Bob defence.

I was once told by a man in Glasgow on the front road that he'd had two triple heart bypass operations in the previous four months. And I said, they're like buses, aren't they? You wait all your life and then two come along at once. And he went, oh, levity's a wonderful thing, isn't it? And I was like, you're in a comedy club, you're here for levity. Levity pays my mortgage, mate. I think it's a bit of a weird one to, you know, talk about something and then retract it.

Those are the worst ones, when someone says something tragic in the middle of a... Okay. You didn't say anything tragic, Bob, that's good. Well, I don't know. I think it was at least fairly tragic. And Russell just left it at that. He didn't pursue. He let you off. He found the person who it was. Oh, right. Nice.

I'm impressed that he's even talking to the audience now, because I think he... I mean, I don't think I have a big ego, but I'm speaking to the audience even less than I used to, partly because I'll ask somebody a question, and as they're answering, I realise, oh, I don't really care about this, I'm more interested in whether my new jokes work or not. I just sort of fade out and think, why don't I just tell you the stuff that I've come here to tell you, and then we'll go home.

See why we don't have the text in. The cockerel says who cares what they think. I can only apologise to that readers for the cockerel's dismissive attitude. I'm speaking strictly about my stand up there.

Yeah, I find people say, you know, people can take you to some fabulous places. Yeah, I'm going to bring it back. I'm going to talk more on myup there. Yeah, I find people say, you know, people can take you to some fabulous places. Yeah, I'm going to bring it back. I'm going to talk more on my next tour. People can take you to some fabulous places. In my experience, Premier League football is the best. David Baddiel tells a story about when I was at the comedy store and a man shouted out,

I remember... Oh, yeah, I've heard this story. I was with you at medical school. It's a very bizarre thing. And I said, oh, yeah, I remember I was with you at medical school It's a very bizarre thing And I said Oh yeah I remember you You were the one in the jar And David Baddiel still quotes that As the moment he fell in love with me

That's about it I think If the good Lord spares us And the creeks don't rise We'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio.