The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Leftover Rules

Episode Date: June 23, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Alun and Emily. They discuss Baby Buzz, Rooney's Hair and left over food etiquette.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio, and'm with Emily Dean and I'm with Alan Cochran. Morning.

Hi, Frank. Oh, that's good that you both said it then. It's like on the cricket. Morning there. Morning, Peter. Morning, everyone. I hadn't even spoken. The producer had already moved the microphone closer to my face.

That's how quiet I was being without speaking. You look quiet. Yeah. It's a strange moment. Anyway. God, Jimmy was a strange moment. Anyway. God, Jimmy Carr's on the news. That's a bit of brilliant publicity. You know the old theory that no publicity is bad publicity?

Yeah, based on that theory, it's been a great week for Jimmy. Oh, it is, yeah. Say if I killed Fern Cotton with a milk bottle. Would that... Oh, my God. You know, I could top him, do you think? Yeah, by next week. He'd be sick.

I bet he'd be sick. I'd get the headlines tomorrow and he'd just be... He'd be gutted, yeah. Anyway, if you want to text us about anything, we're on 8-12-15. Frank, you and Alan are looking very prison break this morning. I feel like a curious cellmate. Yeah, we've got a bit too much denim.

What's going on with the denims? Yeah, well, I've gone denim jacket, but not denim trouser. That's true. I never do double denim. And I've gone double denim, but I did have a tweed jacket over it, so I look quite 70s in a weird way. You've gone denim shirt, which is Top Gear presenter relaxing. No, I'm not having that.

I'm not having that. It's the sort of thing, if ever you saw a teacher in a pub I agree. At least you've kept it pure. It's a bit more I've been working on the railroad. Altogether now. You know that, you need a hammer. We've not got a hammer and some sort of

metallic surface we can do that sound with. I like this though. Not many programmes start on the radio with a discussion of what they're wearing. It's actually a critique. It's a critique rather than a discussion. Oh, OK. I see. We have heard from the outside world already. Have we?

What did they say? On the old 8, 12, 15, we had a text in. Good morning, my favourite radio radio people especially the delightful Emily lovely that's all it's about well let's see if there's a reveal my girlfriend and I are having a baby but it is now

12 days overdue does the team have any advice on things to do or songs to play him or her we just want to meet the little person thank you for your help Ollie and Gail that's nice isn't it that they want to meet the little person. Thank you for your help, Ollie and Gail. That's nice, isn't it, that they want to meet the little person? Yeah, it's lovely what Frank said at the beginning of the email as well. The email about a little person.

What you need is, I think, Skype. Do one of those, internal camera. No, I think, don't people have Corys and stuff? I think it's pineapple and pizza and stuff, isn't it? Things are beginning with P. I don't know. I didn't know they waited that long. I thought they'd wait about...

12, yeah. It might be in labour even as we're saying this. It's good because then when the child comes out it'll be properly cooked. It'll be exactly going to come out when it wants to come out and everything will be informed. It'll be lovely going to come out when it wants to come out and everything yeah been formed it'll be lovely it's exciting oh god i'm looking forward to it but they get a bit wrinkly though if they're in too long it's a bit like being in the bath that's all right i've got some power moisturizers well there you go i think they just dip them though don't they? Like sheep straight into my strizer.

So, Frank, how is Buzz? Buzz is still slightly underweight. Lovely. Yeah, I am starting to think they look better. So I've seen a few fat babies just lately and I thought, OK, there's healthy and there's fat. Yeah. They look better, think.

He's got a lovely leg. I tell you what... I've told you about those legs. Because the way he wears a nappy now, it's like a wrapper. It's halfway down his bottom because he's so thin. Very untrained. That looks cool. The clothes hang better on him.

Yeah. I might bring out the newborn diet, a new book, in which you put him on. You know, just water the breast milk down a bit no he's he's he's well i think it's what they call a banana baby really what does that mean some babies are long and thin that's how that's what they're like oh i mean he's my child he's like he's not gonna be like a cannonball is he no i don't think so thanks for backing me up on that

guys i must tell you we know he's your child then yeah not that I'm saying that was ever up for debate by the way anyone who's listening I'm not don't think that I'm condemning Jimmy Carr or judging not for you know I have to admit I'm still signing on

absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So there's a theory with babies that you play them music Oh lovely and that makes them more intelligent and calm

and stuff Mozart they often recommend Good Like some of his old stuff Yeah stuff. Mozart they often recommend. Good. Mm-hmm. Like some of his old stuff. Yeah. His new stuff is quieter, isn't it? He got a bit commercial for me. I went off him.

So I got this CD. Well, I got it. My girlfriend, Kath, bought a CD to play to the boss. It's not The Fall. No fall no no don't play how i wrote elastic man even i thought maybe it's a bit early for the fall i i thought that that might that might freak him out but um no i'll tell you what i have it in my hand here it's called nurturing music for infants it might be called nurturing music for infants but nurturing is

much bigger than the other three words, so I'm giving it its own special place. And it's by a man called Thomas Schoenberger. Oh. OK. It has a picture of Thomas. Can I just give you a brief extract from the sleeve notes? They still call them sleeve notes on CDs.

I feel we can. We're amongst friends. It's not really a sleeve. It's more of a cough nowadays, when I think of how big the LP was. What does Schoenberger have to say for himself? Well, it says Schoenberger is internationally recognised as the leading infant composer worldwide.

Right. Yeah, I think he did... Rockin' a Bible. No, he didn't. He did. It says that Thomas Schoenberger explores the many moods of an infant's day to the delight of both parents and child. Can I qualify that?

Not to my delight. I love the idea that they have moods. I've got a lot on today. I'm very stressed. They don't have moods. They just wake up and go to sleep. His music has won best of the year. That's best of the year in inverted commas.

His music has won best of the year acclaim from Dr Toy. Oh, I love Dr Toy. Who is Dr Toy? Is he a child psychologist or something? I don't know, I think he's a consultant to Ann Somers. In addition to rave reviews, well, why not put them on the sleeve? And positive endorsements from Parent Magazine, Billboard, Good Housekeeping and Bay Area Parent. Now, it has long been my opinion that if you've got a good review from a magazine that no one's heard of, don't put it on.

Because it looks like you're scratching around. Billboard, I'll say. You could have left it at Billboard. Good housekeeping, parent magazine, fine. But don't bring in Bay Area parent. Funnily enough, I've got my five-star review for last year's Edinburgh show

from Bay Area parent. Yeah, well that's brought along to show off about it they never have anything bad to say anyone ouch um yeah so anyway this is what um so we we we got him in his uh in his oh we're gonna get to hear it this is an extract yeah excellent imagine um seven hour i got this by the way i got this from TK Maxx. Lovely place to go. Yeah, it is lovely. TK Maxx, you may know.

Do you wear this? I thought you said, do you wear this? No, I don't. In America, it's TJ Maxx. That's right, yeah. And they changed it to TK here because they thought that the British public might get mixed up with a shop called TJ Hughes.

Oh, yeah. Because they've got the same initials. Do you know that's one of the best retail stories you've ever told? Like any story of the British public being treated with a lot of contempt. Oh, no, they won't be able to work that out. Different surnames going to throw. It's like, well, you're going to go into the blacksmiths to buy magazines thinking it's W.H. Smith.

Rubbish. Anyway. I want to hear this music. Here we go. Now, I'm a patient man. And I want, you know, obviously I want the baby to develop well and be happy and intelligent. But also, I think it would be bad if I threw him up the wall

having listened to 20 minutes of this. It wasn't what I was anticipating. It's a bit silent movie villain. I thought it was going to be acapella, the wheels on the bus go round and round. Yes. No, it's just that. I mean, no disrespect to Thomas Schoenberger,

who's got rave reviews and positive endorsements all over the place. Particularly in the Bay Area. I can't. I'm afraid he's going to have to be a bit less intelligent than he could have been. We should just say, if people have just tuned in while we're playing that, you're listening to Absolute Babies or something like that. Yes, exactly.

That'll be the next one. They're probably saying, I've got classic FM's, come on. That's Absolute Babes, the late night one. Yes, exactly. That would be the next one. They've probably now got classic FM's, come on. That's Absolute Babes, the late night one. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ring me, guys. Come on, guys. Do another bit when they switch the microphone on.

Come on, guys, why don't you ring me? Because I'm going to have to go in about ten minutes. This is your last chance. I'm just sitting there thinking, so common. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Now, Frank. Hmm. You're pausing as if you're about to say something. No, I'm rubbing my chin because I had a shave last night and I'm enjoying my own smoothness. I don't think that makes me a bad person. No? I've missed a few shaves just lately,

what with sleep deprivation and all the such things. And when I get round to it, I like to enjoy it. It does look lovely and smooth. But I know I look like I'm being thoughtful because I'm rubbing my chin, but no. I've always maintained... Purely sensory. I've always maintained you have a superlative skin.

God, I was a bit worried about what you were going to tell me you'd always maintained on the shaving topic. I thought, this is going a long way away from where breakfast radio should be. Happily, we're still on course, ladies and gentlemen. So, Frank, I've been getting quite into the football. Well, I like to think I've been impressing into the football well I like to think I've been impressing the cockerel

with some of my retro knowledge I came out with Ida Goodjohnson the other week he looked impressed by that well even before this championship you once referenced Steve Morrow which I thought was impressive I said I'll see you on the Steve Morrow he loved that

I love a footballer's name incorporated in an everyday sentence I find it Vince Hilarious. Yeah, I too am Roy Keane on that. There we go. This is how we should live our lives. Do we have to do every sentence now? It's going to be difficult.

This one will have to keep going until I... I wanted to talk to you two about something, because I will hold my hands up and say I don't know that much. And one thing has been really irritating me which is i consider you two proper football fans because your teams aren't very glamorous that's how i tell oh yes no but it's true though isn't it oh yeah definitely yeah um but i've noticed men in pubs the last england i know you've noticed me well obviously i have that's what i do for a living noticing men in pubs by emily dean But I noticed a man and he said...

Oh, I was just watching the Confused.com animated advert and I noticed that the Confused.com castle has got the same electric security gates as Jimmy Carr. Frank, I've told you, you can't just watch telly while we're doing a radio show. Anyway... It's been very visual today, this show, hasn't it? It has.

I apologise. Let's just start again. Hi, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Meanwhile, I was in the pub with me and a man. And the man said, he wasn't part of my posse. No. But I heard him say, Frank, there he is. Go on, why am I son? And I thought, you know nothing.

You know absolutely nothing about football I know you do I don't like to be snobby about it but one of my worst things is conversations about football with people who don't know about football I can imagine I'd like to apologise for that people who come and tell me about

what's gone wrong with West Brom season having seen three and a half minutes on match of the day I find very hard to cope with. But, you know, I also don't like people who know loads about football. Oh, don't you? I like a middle ground, which is non-threatening. You know, I used to sit by a bloke who I think read a few books about tactics.

And I remember once he shouted, Oh, they're getting us on the second phase pick-up every time. Oh, no. And I can't cope with that because I don't know what that means. Yeah. So I like... It's more... It's knowledge rather than understanding.

Yeah, OK. Stephen Fry approach. Oh, you don't want to do that, love. Yeah. I have no data retention. Even to the point where last week i watched the england game sober friday night and then came in here on saturday and when speaking to you i realized after our conversation that i'd got the goals in the wrong order when i was talking

to you and either you didn't spot it or you were kind enough to not go no you're discussing the second goal there no that was sleep deprivation I definitely pulled you off on it with that. You didn't. I took that as being noble of you. But I just can't, sometimes I watch whole games and then I can't remember them after it. But I like the game. I wouldn't do Come on Rooney, my son. You wouldn't say that. If I, you know, I am sort of

obsessed with football. If I wasn't, I would complete, I can't have a middle ground. I'd go absolutely deliberately the other way. I'd wear a West Brom shirt when people say, oh, West Brom fella. I'd say, no, I just think stripes are very slimming. And I also like the ornithological nature of the crest.

That's what I'd challenge them with my non-footballness. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. radio frank we're talking about football and more specifically how i didn't believe certain men were into it and how they revealed that also when they shout handball too often i never believe that i think they're just saying it randomly i don't know it's one of the few things that a crowd will spontaneously call out all at exactly the same time. Have all!

But you sound authentic when you say it. Well, because even if you go every week, you do end up saying the same stuff over and over. You've got the right rhythms. If a man is very, very slightly injured and the referee says he has to go off the pitch and come back on again, somebody always says, stupid ruler. Every time they say that.

I imagine during this championship, people have been despairing of that extra linesman, the one that doesn't do anything. The one that watches if the bog is over the line. Yeah, and he doesn't. He's already got it wrong once. No, but nobody's perfect. It's not a big thing to do, is it?

What if the bog goes over the line it's a small bit of a job isn't it anyway but you know your mind wanders i saw a bit on the news today on the germany highlights from last night and whoever was doing the roundup said uh germany scored through the right leg of lamb footballer called lamb oh do you know that's lovely and he sneaked in a little pun whoever he was that was doing the round. I'm proud of him. Leg of Larm. Very good. That's absolutely sweet.

Strong work. So, did you see Wayne Rooney's goal celebration? Did he do some kind of... He sprayed product. He sprayed hair product. I wasn't sure at first. At first, I was a bit worried. It looked like there used to be a sort of an insulting hand symbol,

which suggested that someone was very small in the trouser area. And I thought he looked like he was doing that, but above his head, as if he was saying to some kid who maybe, whilst, you know, in the course of some gang bullying at school, urinated over Ray Rooney's head, well, you did that to to me but look at me now scoring in the European Championships, that's what I thought was the initial message, turned out I'd

read too much into it it was a hair product remark apparently it was a tribute to Andy Carroll who does have a fine head of hair a bit say hands that ponytail absolutely lustrous but when he scored the other week and he realised he was on camera as he walked off at half time,

because they always focus on the goal scorer, he took the elastic band off and let it flow. Oh, did he let it flow free? He did. It was absolutely beautiful. His mane was down on it. He looked like the latter-day Van Helsing. You know, the new Van Helsing.

He was quite sexy. Brilliant. Frank, Nicky Clark waded in. Yeah, fancy him. I'm having something to say about it. Yeah. He liked it. He said that he thought Wayne should be aiming for something to have a much more even texture. He said either slightly matte or slightly mid-sheen. Yes, mid-sheen, I thought was...

He set us all straight. That would be fine. I am a bit worried about Wayne. I mean, a lot of people talk about Wayne's hair. It's become a cliché. That's it. Bless you. That's what you should have said then, but you missed your opportunity.

Everyone said, you know, blah, blah, blah. But I don't think it looks quite as good as it did at the beginning of the season. It looks awful. No, it started... it looked great at first. But you know when you get a lovely bunch of flowers in the house and there's that day when you think, I think they're going to have to go in the bin. It's gone a bit like, it's like it's dying.

The brown edges, definitely. I don't think it's taken. I don't think it's taken. It was like it was a brilliant idea. And we've watched that brilliant idea crumble. You know when you walk past an empty block of high-rise flats and you think, when they were first built, everyone thought it was the best thing that's ever happened,

and now it's generally written off as a disaster. His hair looks a bit straw-like. And what can be done? It's terrible. Well, as Nicky Clark says, he needs to go for mid-sheen. I can all take that advice. Is that, like, slightly eccentric on the Charlie Sheen scale? Yeah.

Mid-sheen. Think of all those women who have been mid-sheen. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And, Frank's here on Absolute Radio and, um, you know what? What? I think we'll have some emails.

I don't feel we've involved the listeners enough this morning. We've been sitting here talking amongst ourselves like elitist vermin. Not having it. Elitist vermin. Yes, that's the quest on our, as our family motto. You know what I mean? We're not in Britain.

We're just talking to it. It's like, oh, I've been around Jimmy Carr's house. That's a bit sorry. I'm sorry about that, everyone. I feel I've reached the point of no return. Or as Jimmy Carr would say, the point of no returns. Just read the thing. OK.

I'm reading an email now. It's come to this. Wow. Oh, I love it.. I'm reading an email now. It's come to this. Wow. I'm having to do my own cleaning. Ian Baker has sent in an email. Ian Baker lives in the Netherlands. Lovely. I think that is rather...

I do. Everybody, when it's spring again, I'll bring again tulips from Amsterdam. No, I said everybody. We couldn't join in. We didn't know the... Carry on. Okay. And he is an enthusiast of the show.

We'll leave it at that. And he's actually gone as far as to create an MP3, which is a sort of jingle for Email Corner, which leads us into our discussion. Oh, lovely, Frank. What about that? I have it at my very fingertips. Would you like to hear it?

Yes, I would. We'll gather you round. Here it comes. This is Ian Baker's Email Corner jingle. Email Corner I love it. And it's actually picked up on the old absolute... And we've got the sitar.

It's all George Harrison. Oh, this is like being back in the Punjab. Lovely. I remember those days. High tiffin with my red tunic still buttoned up to my neck. Sometimes it was 40 degrees plus. Do you know what my worry about this is? That other people may well think,

yeah, I can improve that show as well. We'll just be inundated with emails. I have no doubt many people think that. I don't know. We haven't been inundated yet. I'll send them some silence through my email. That'll improve things, won't it? I'm on a page of jingles here I'd completely forgotten

about I'd like to extend my thanks to Ian Baker for that Frank he's not the only one who's been in touch I think we should pay him but all share the cost we should go Dutch on that there we go

fantastic at last you've lifted us up by our boot string go Dutch on that. There we go. Oh. Fantastic. Oh, that was good. At last, at last you've lifted us up by our boot string to the standard of which we all aspire. It's no see you on the Steve Moray though,

is it? Just for clarity and I was only joking we're not going to pay you. Now what about if he uses that against us? I've got another email I'd like to read out

if you've quite finished punning. This is from Chris. Dear Mr Radio, cockles and Emily. Cockles? I'm not sure how I feel about cockles. I'm not happy about it. Well, you weren't happy about the cock roll. We've been on a theme, I like it.

Following up on your comments about Maoris doing the hacker at the drop of a hat. Oh, yeah, I did say that I felt Maoris felt an obligation to do the hacker. They can't go anywhere as a group without somebody saying, do the hacker, so they can film. It's a bit like Ricky Gervais being asked to do that dance all the time. Exactly, yeah. It's a very similar dance, actually.

Come to think of it, he's completely ripped off the Maoris. But, yeah. I've often thought a nice touch before... How often? No, go on. Oh, I don't like the way this is turning. Before England versus New Zealand rugby games would be for the English team to erect a

maypole in the middle of the pitch and do some Morris dancing. Brilliant. The image of the English front eight dancing around with bells, handkerchiefs and sticks should be enough to counter any psychological advantage the Kiwis get from waggling their tongues. Cheers, Chris.

I'd love that, if that happened. I am, I mean, this is not a joke now, I love the old Morris dancing. I don't know why people take the mickey out of me. I was walking home from the show, actually, a few weeks ago, and there was a Morris sort of festival going on in Westminster. I was walking home from the show, actually, a few weeks ago,

and there was a Morris sort of festival going on in Westminster. And I passed about seven or eight groups. I could hear the jingling behind me of their calf bells. And there was a few groups of them. You know, normally one is, you see hooded youths knocking around. Suddenly there was these. There's no calf bells, there's electronic tags. Normally, you see hooded youths knocking around. There's no park bells, there's electronic tags. Exactly, but there's something really lovely about... They all seem such nice... It's like a sort of vigilante niceness,

all these gangs of them knocking about. And I thought it would be great for the hooded youths as a sort of community programme thing that they have to learn and do an elaborate display of Morris dancing. That would be good, yeah. I think that would take all that macho obviousness and posturing out of them

and they could get in touch with that gentle, loving creature which I think is inside all of us. And you'd know if they were trying to sneak up behind you because they'd have the calf bells on. Where would they put the dogs, though? They'd just tie them up to the pole. Yeah, they could. The dangerous dogs. Yeah, the dangerous dogs.

They'd be, uh, yeah. The dangerous dogs could be put on coloured leads and then when they did the run round the maypole it'd sort of all work out, wouldn't it? See, it could draw all the height and horror out of it and inject it with laugh and... Take something scary and make it a bit positive. Yeah, exactly. I'm...

It's got a bit thought for the week, hasn't it? Oh, yes. Anyway, so let's do that. Are you alright? And of course, if the hooligans refuse to do it, there's always the lethal injection option. Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio You know we were talking about the dogs, the dangerous dogs during the Maypole thing. You were. When you get the hoodies to do their Maypole dancing, their Morris dancing someone's texted in, Joe from Sutton

Frank, with regards to the question where do the hoodies dogs go, you could train them to do a show as well. It could be called the Dangerous Dogs Act. Oh, brilliant. Did you see what he's done? Yeah. Dangerous Dogs Act. That's the best joke on the show so far this morning.

Thanks for that, Joe. It's not uncommon for the outside world to provide that. Exactly. And anyway, we had an email in during the week, as we like to say. I'm currently sat in a bus listening to your podcast. I like the fact, sat in a bus. In a bus? I don't know if that's just an iPhone.

It makes more sense than on, really. It does. I'm imagining a sort of Trojan horse style. I'm sat in a bus listening to your podcast. I'm catching up, so it's an old one. Emily Dean has just mentioned that she's... Hang on, don't say olden, comma, Emily Dean. How dare you?

It was full stop. Oh, good. Emily Dean has just mentioned that she's... Hang on. Don't say Olden, comma, Emily Dean. How dare you? It was full stop. Oh, good. Emily Dean has just mentioned that she's heading towards looking like Dorian from Birds of a Feather. That's correct. So, naturally, I just Google image searched her right here on this crowded bus. Filth. Now everyone thinks I'm a pervert because of what turns up.

Thanks, Chris. Oh, yes, I should say thanks. What turns up? Well, I'll tell you what some pictures of me natch um but also that lovely black and white one of you with the crop top and uh spaghetti straps on hamster teeth i think googling yeah there's a girl lovely tan lovely tan you look very well congratulations is that true um yes as i say it's black and white taken in 1982 um but there is a lady who works regularly for banger babes i believe oh there is yes there's that emily she comes up yeah again very common that's a friend of mine an irish friend of mine used to say if

ever a woman appeared like that on the telly or anything, scantily cloudy, she'd say, well, she'd be better off saying her prayers. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean.

I'm with Alan Cochran. You can tweet us. I'm with Emily Dean. I'm with Alan Cochran. You can tweet us. Oh, no. At, at, I don't want to say at twice. What do you say between at? You can tweet us. Tweet us, pause. At Frank on Absolute.

Okay. At Frank on Absolute. There's no pause in there. You just feel you need some between. I understand. To proceed the at. Frank. What? I've got bubbles in my tea....to proceed the act. Frank? What?

I've got bubbles in my tea. Oh, it's 8.12.15 as well, we should have said, shouldn't we? That's on the text messages. I've just been given a cup of tea. Yeah. And I'm worried, frankly. I've got bubbles in my tea as well. Michael Jackson, 1988.

No, I have. But do you think that's normal? Why have we all got bubbles? That's when the washing up liquid hasn't been properly rinsed out. That's what I think. Or it's have. But do you think that's normal? Why have we all got bubbles? That's when the washing up liquid hasn't been properly rinsed out. That's what I think. Oh, it's poison. I just assumed that it was a vigorous stir. Yeah.

I can't have that many bubbles. We haven't talked about our suspicion about Sarah poisoning you for a while. Maybe it's back. Maybe Sarah the Poisoner is back in our midst. No, the tea's tasted all right, just lately. Good. I'm being lulled into a false sense of security Do you think people that have just tuned in think

we know the mics are up? I wonder if they think that for the whole show Do they know this is going out? I'll tell you what, I saw a very weird thing the other day that I need to ask you, I have a feeling already without even mentioning it that I need to ask you. I have a feeling already, without even mentioning it, that I think Emily will be horrified when she hears this.

I did a gig. You know I'm still a stand-up comedian. I'm not just sitting on my laurels here as a co-presenter on Saturday mornings. I'll have heard some names for them. I did a gig, and I was a support actor. How did it go? It went all right, yeah. It was a visiting American guy, and I said a support actor. How did it go? It went all right, yeah. It was a visiting American guy, and I'd said, oh, I'll go on as support.

Visiting American? Oh, I thought you just went right to his house. No, no, it was an American stand-up, and I went on as his support. And I was offstage at the back watching, and the bar venue guy had said, oh, I'll bring you a burger when you come off. So he brought me a burger.

I ate the burger burger and loads of massive wedges, but I wasn't hungry enough. Unusually for me, I left the wedges, right? I'm not a fan of the wedges. Huge they were. They were huge. I don't, they're a bit work in progress for me. They're neither a chip nor a baked potato. Yeah.

And they leave the peel on and you know, it's like, well, you know, I can't be bothered to the chips that's just i also have a tremendous urge to um to reconstruct the potato like a terry's chocolate orange thing like a big jigsaw yeah it's it's my version of the 3d chess used that mr spot used to play on Star Trek. Oh, yeah. My dream is to, from one bowl, put together a complete potato that fits perfectly together. That could have happened.

Well, these were in a little basket. You know, like sometimes in gastropubs, they bring you the little basket. A little bit rustic. Yeah. With a little bit of white absorbent paper in there. Yeah. With a yellow grease stain. It sounds like it was a classy joint well here's it was and the burger was delicious i'd finished the burger and i left the uh i left the

remnants like leftover food out in the hallway and went back in to watch the the rest of the show and then i happened to glance as a fellow walked out to go to the toilet and he stopped took a look at my leftover and helped himself to a wedge. Complete strangest food and he ate it. And he didn't even do a sort of look around over the shoulder. But you discarded it. I discarded it, but he didn't ask permission. Can I ask, was he a punter?

Yeah. OK. I just wanted to know the information. I didn't think it was the big name American Visitor. I thought it might have been. I thought it might have been. I thought it might have been. He was like a pedestrian. He was walking past the food.

I don't see anything wrong. I've done that in Hotel Corridor. Have you really? I've taken a handful of chips. I have. I've taken a handful of chips. Oh, my God. You haven't.

They're put outside because they don't want them anymore. But someone's room service and they've put it out and left it. Yeah. Yeah, it could have been in Charlie Sheen's room. Do you know what could have happened to those chips? No, but I don't see anything wrong with it at all. Oh, well, I feel like I've... You'd rather it was thrown away than another human being consumed it.

I haven't got a preference. I just thought the rule was that you don't eat other people's leftovers unless you know them. No, but dressing room food is different. I always eat people's dressing room food. I like to get my money's worth in a hotel. I often sit in those armchairs in the corridors. Oh, yeah. I like that.

I just think it's a hell of a corridor, this. I might have a bit of a Base Camp One experience and watch the world go by. Yeah. No, I'm all for a bit of, you know, saving food. My dad said if you throw bread on the coal fire, the devil comes to your house. Sure enough, Katherine Jenkins died of it. Dad, just down the road.

So, you know, listen to me. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Frank, I was... What's going on upstairs? I was whining earlier about the presence of bubbles in my tea. And we've just been tweeted by someone called Cheshire Dale. I like the sound of him. Cheshire Dale sounds excellent. Dale. I like the sound of him. Shasha Dale sounds excellent.

Bubbles on tea denotes love or money depending on whether they're at the side or the middle. So lucky you. Or which is which? Mine were in the middle. So I don't know what that means. That'll be money. I think it's going to be difficult to scientifically prove this guy's theory.

Jimmy Carr only has cappuccino. Milkshake. Also, Frank, read the subject of other people's food. Oh, yeah. Simon says, leftover wedges in a nice pub is nothing. My skanky mate Rich ate half a burger off the street post club in Sheffield. To be fair, Simon is an Alsatian. My skanky mate Steve and Airedale.

I love post club in Sheffield. Yeah, I think if you eat burgers off the street, you are ending up with the nickname, my skanky mate so-and-so. Yes. But, you know, there used to be a saying when I was a kid that you eat a sack of dirt before you die. Oh, really?

So you might as well get the hell on with it. Well, it's only if you wake up in the Central Reservation. No, but people are so careful now about eating super hygiene. Yeah, yeah. It's rubbish. Not just eating mud pies anymore. I had the 24-hour rule if we dropped any food on the floor? No problem.

Those chips I had, though, it was about 7am. I was leaving my hotel room and I hadn't had any breakfast. And there was a plate with, you know, there's the remains of a bit of tomato ketchup that's been on. And it may well have been a burger, just a gap. And then I don't think the bloke or woman had touched a chip so uh yeah lovely cold here's what i'm interested in did you have to remove like a a napkin was there a napkin just plonked on top of the foods i don't i think if you if you're moving a barrier yeah especially a napkin some people think i just blow

me the house at the end of that no i i don't i'm perfectly i've come out of it okay i love that bit in a restaurant when you say uh do you want to do you want to try this yeah do you do that to a friend so do you want to try this and then they you try theirs and and that don't that moment when yours is clearly the nicest oh i acknowledge that and then you think i've got a whole plate full of this now and all I've done is teased you with it. Yeah, I love that. The triumph of choice.

I call that winning. middle is money, Cheshire Dale says. Middle is money? What, the bubbles? And yours were in the middle. Yeah, lovely. Very happy with that.

Mine are, mine were around the edge but they've gone now. That'll be love. Mine are around the edge and still here. This is good radio, isn't it? Where are your bubbles this morning on the tea cup? Three people you don't know discuss their tea.

Discuss where the bubbles are on the surface of their tea on radio. I feel the Sony bronze may look a long way away from next May. I imagine Beryl and Betty do stuff like this all the time. Yeah. I should think that's their show. At the Sonys your manager was very impressed

with Wayne Rooney's hair transplant. He talked about it a lot. That was before it died. Oh right. And his pomp. When it was still vibrant That's a terrible Shall we just try and get out of this Then maybe we can just have a cold shower while the music's on Okay

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We've had an email in that just Is titled The Lovely Emily Why does the lovely Emily hide just off screen On the webcam Live Radio. We've had an email in that just is titled, The Lovely Emily. Why does the lovely Emily hide just off screen on the webcam? We would love to get a glimpse of her undoubted beauty. It's all gone a bit banger, babes.

Yeah, from Terry Scrivens. I bet he does. Yes, why do you sit just off the camera? As if I have any choice in it. It's a lovely jacket you're wearing this morning. Yeah, it's Chanel style. It's Chanel style. Chanel style? Not Chanel.

Is it a bit moody? How dare you? It's like Calvin Classics. It's off the market. I was assured by the gentleman in the market that it was of the finest quality. Yeah, my denim shirt's actually Benham. It's a close copy. What else?

Well, I'll tell you what else, Frank. I think we need to discuss education. We don't need no education. No, I like it when we're all slightly forced to discuss politics. We should have the question time thing. We discussed the budget once on the show. It was great. Yeah, really? It was, yeah.

Back in the old days. I can't golden days extraordinary comment um so but michael gove he's the education secretary michael gove here's a quiz question yeah what do um i have in we both have a remarkable thing in common, which is quite an unusual thing. You and Gove? Me and Gove. Me and the Govester. Oh, do you? Yeah.

Oh. Okay. I'm not going to, but if anyone knows. Did he ever dog call Shep? No, I doubt it. I'll give you a clue. Okay. It's a late-night television connection.

Oh, my God. Late-night teleconnection. OK, anyway, let's carry on. OK. Maybe people can text in for me. They will. They will. All right. He wants to bring back a sort of O-level type examination. Michael Gove is the Secretary of State for Education. Exactly.

He's, um... I think I once saw his chin on eBay. He says that GCSEs are too easy. Well, that's the implication. They weren't for me. Oh, really? No. Oh.

They weren't. Oh, dear. How did it go? How did it go? Like, it was a football match. I just didn't try hard enough. Oh, yeah. Sure you didn't try.

How many did you get? I think I got four. You think you got? You don't know how many GCSEs? It's a long time ago, Frank. Hey, come crying to me. I did the CSEs and the O-Levels. And the O-Levels, did you?

Oh, wow. See, the CSEs used to be for kids where they thought, well, he'll never get the O level. Was that the dances one? Yeah, so they thought, let him have something, even though we'll tell employers CSE just means that, you know, you're not safe. Did you thrive?

Did you surpass expectations? Well, if you got CSE grade one, you see, it was an equivalent. Was that the same as an O level? It was a brilliant sort of combat. You'd been put, you'd been, you know, dismissed, and then you came back with a CSE grade one. It's like being Amelia Lilly on The X Factor. Oh, right.

Yeah. So it was a real fabulous turnaround. And he's not about bringing a similar system back, I think, Govee. I agree with it. Because I just think it's fair enough. And then everyone knows where they stand. And the CSE kids, those are the ones that watch ITV, really. No, it's true, though, isn't it?

Well... Frank did just reference an ITV programme to prove his point. Yeah, I suppose so. I don't know, it's... I mean, when you tell people you've got O-levels, they look at you like you're 150,000 years old. Well, yeah. I just did that when you started your GCSE story.

So I was just as the system was changing. Oh, really? And can I say, thank God... Yes, sure you were. I was. Thank God I managed to get... That's that decimisation. I managed to get a couple of GCSEs, thank God.

Oh, did you? I have a mixture. Oh, no, I... And you're full on O-level. Well, because I got expelled from school. Oh, dear. I'm sorry. I mean, I've told this story many times, so I'll do it briefly.

My letter said I was embezzling the school meals service. What I was actually doing was taking wedges off a plate. No, I wasn't. I reprocessed dinner tickets. Used them more than once. It's weirdly entrepreneurial, though, isn't it? Entrepreneurial? Yeah, I should have been on the Dragon's Den.

Have we had an answer to that Michael Gove question? We've had a couple of guesses. Someone's guessed Room 101, and someone's guessed, Frank, is it that you and Gove have both had puppets made of you? I mean, he looks like a puppet. They're both incorrect. I haven't had a puppet made of me since I lived in Tahiti. And that was because I had an argument with that magic woman

who lived at the end of the dirt track I was living. I was operating as a doctor with some of the poorer inhabitants. But they saw medicine as a direct challenge to the old ways. And we met with some hostility from some of what we called the magic community. Yeah, Mama Fire. Mama Fire was a threatening character and would screech like an owl

when I went past her lean-to, where she used to sit having her meetings. She had a lean-to? Yeah, people would go and talk about their future. And she'd rub two rabbits together and throw them against the wall. And if the bubbles was in the middle, they were in love. Anyway, I could sit here all day and talk about my Tahiti days, but we have to play some music.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Michael Gove. Well, yes, we've been trying to work out the connection between you two. Ah, yes. John Rocket has emailed us. Is the late-night connection between you and Gove the adult channel? Hey Michael

why don't you phone me? I'm waiting for your call. Oh God. Are you? Why are you waiting? Are you doing drugs? That's what I shout at the television. I don't want to bad mouth the women on Babecast Somebody's texted

You both have a strong dislike for turnips Is that it? No It's a guess I'm a turnip enthusiast Turnip enthusiast I like them I'll tell you what it is

Shall I tell them? Question time? Something like that? I think you should make them hang on a bit longer. OK. I went to a thing called a technical school. Did you? Which I don't think anyone even remembers anymore.

Was that in Birmingham? Yes. Yeah? It was a sort of a... That's a perfectly innocent question. It was a halfway house between a comprehensive, which is, you know know failure otter failure and grammar which was glowing success and the idea it was for working class kids who might be say become a supervisor in a factory right you might wear overalls but

the overalls without legs the overalls are more like an overcoat made of overall material. You might even wear a tie with it. Right. And presumably get less dirty and have less danger inherent in your life in the factory. Frank, we're having a bit of trouble. I'll phone Mick and he'll bring a couple of fitters over. You know, your supervisory. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, didn't quite work out. But I think that was an experiment that completely disappeared. But were you keen? Were you keen on the old education? Did you try? Not all the time. I got expelled. Yeah, but that was for entrepreneurial spirit.

That was for fraud, to be fair. That was for recycling dinner tickets. I mean, now you wouldn't even get a suspension for that. People get expelled now for that people get expelled now for things like gone crime yeah and working in the sex industry i was i there's a funny thing about school reports isn't there that they sort of dog you through your life whatever was written when you read someone's biography there's usually a bit oh it said in his school report this that or the other my mum frequently points out that they said quite early on in my school career, Alan's

a bright enough pupil, but he only works three days out of five. If he did the full week, he'd probably be top of the class or thereabouts. And she said, that was your problem. You didn't try hard enough. And to this day, I think that is my problem. Well, think yourself lucky, I got extremely lazy, only works when constantly badgered. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. And now it's time to talk about housework. Well, on the... Why are you looking at me? Just because I'm a lady? Well, I looked at you because you spoke. Dude looks like a lady! That's the system I use. When I interviewed Eddie Izzard on my chat show, we played dude looks like a lady.

How did that go down? I don't think he noticed. Let's hope he isn't listening to this. He won't be when he'll be out running. No. He might. He might not, though, didn't he? Didn't he stop the running? I think he got an injury. Didn't carry on with it. That's forever injuries. He'll be in the wings at some political event. That's

what he does now. He'll be talking to Ed Miliband. Yeah. I wanted to talk about cleaning rather than where Eddie is. That's this morning's texting. Where is Eddie? At this particular moment in time. Well, check Twitter twitter he's probably tweeted saying i'm wherever i am anyway i'm gonna read the first paragraph of an article about cleaning

from the daily mail no less we sit cross-legged on the floor yeah yes when women responded with the answers relaxing satisfying and therapeutic you might have thought they're reviewing a spa treatment in fact i must admit that's exactly what I was thinking there. Boy, did I ever fall for that. In fact, this is how one in three women feel about doing the housework. You're having a laugh. I've never been more serious in all my life. Really?

Yeah. You're a man who's always on the edge of levity. Yeah, I don't believe this. I think it's yet another Daily Mail story to put women back in their place. Written by a woman, as usual. They always get a woman doing woman. I had a list of their favourite tasks.

They like hoovering and wiping surfaces. Yeah. I must admit, wiping surfaces is quite satisfying it's very thick i told you you know i always keep a tidy work surface i've told you that yes i i am aware of that and i love a cushion plump as well oh yeah yeah i find that satisfying i'm not sure about that because sometimes my hands will alight upon a very thinly uh area, and sometimes I'll have a knuckle clash. Oh, really? Which is only really separated by the two sides of the cover.

And that can... It's like an electric shock going up your arm. Oh. I get that off lifts quite often in hotels. Quite often touch the lift button and I'll get a little... Yeah. The hell you do. Yeah.

Why would I lie? Why would I lie about that? I tell you what I do like doing. If I make a toasty on the George Foreman, often you get a bit of spillage. I go heavy on the cheese, and it spills onto the grid. And what I do is, when I pick the sandwich up,

I use the corners of it to clean out the grid oh so you just slide it down so i get a big lump of slightly blackened melted cheese on the corner i eat that first nice yep you say nice but it sounds quite gross there's an element of gross i'd be delighted by that i've gone into i've quite got into nappy changing. Have you, Frank? Yeah, it's very satisfying, again. And they're not too bad, I would imagine, at the moment, are they? They're bad enough, I must say. The skill is you have to top the frills in. Oh, no, pull the frills out.

Oh, do you? When I say frills, I'm not dressing him as a Wild West whore. He wears a ruff, though, doesn't he? Although I would positively encourage that. I'd buy a small piano and he sits in fishnets and a red velvet basque at one end.

It's weird, isn't it? Larkin wrote a poem about it. Yes, he did indeed. No, you have to pull, if you pull the frills out, then it stops. It keeps things in. Knickerbocker style. Yeah, otherwise you can get...

Well, you can get leakage. Seepage. Music. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, we're talking about housework.

We were talking about housework. Talking about chores. Where do you... I said we were talking about housework we were talking about housework talking about chores where do you say we were talking about chores well i know where do you stand you know you know we were talking about the chores weren't we yeah you mean it's an old musical double acting the other person says what chores so you said that's very kind of you'll have a double scotch oh very good yeah it's yeah. It's awful. You've had to prompt us three times. Sorry about that.

What's the letter after S and you go T and they go, oh, I'd love one, thanks very much. But watch yours, I think it's brilliant. I didn't.

Or as Jimmy Carr would say, offshores. Yes, I am. Yes, I like nappy change and it's satisfying. See, for the sake, I find cleaning the toilet quite therapeutic.

I can't believe that you actually clean the toilet. Well, I've obviously got Dora my Bulgarian, but when she's not available... Yes, I thought you said you've got a door on your Bulgarian. And I thought it's a Bulgarian as sort of a fancy piece of furniture. I'm not aware of that. No, Dora, my Bulgarian, when she's not available or mid-week sometimes, I will sometimes

get the brush out. I find it very therapeutic. I love toilet duck. I love it. I don't mind the washing up for the therapy bit, but the dishwasher has sort of killed that little bit of therapy, hasn't it? You don't get that. It used to be that you'd see a big pile of it after like a Sunday dinner or something. And there's that lovely communal thing of somebody washing and

somebody dry yeah yeah i like that but now it's gone because of the dishwasher i don't see the value in cleaning the oven my favorite is the mirrors obviously that's great you just get to look at yourself for 15 minutes i don't know you can tell them when they're clean because you've already had them chemically frosted. Soft focused. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We were discussing earlier about people eating leftover food and you having a few chips in a hotel corridor, Frank, and we've had an email in that starts, I know you don't do praise, which I like. It's nice, isn't it? Yes, and we like praise, but we don't read it out because it's a bit immodest. Isn't it?

For such a fantastic show, it's nice that we're modest, isn't it? I know you don't do praise, so I will just say you have inspired me to liberate at least unopened jams from trays in hotel corridors. Oh, yeah. I'd never thought of that. That goes without saying. Oh, really? I've never taken the jams. Oh, that's entry-level stuff for Frank.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, I take... Unopened jams. Don't get me wrong, I take a lot of toiletries when I'm in a hotel. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Loads. You would think if you went into my bathroom that Action Man had opened a Molten Browns.

So many tiny little bottles of Molten Browns. Molten Browns. She says, my husband will no doubt berate me as he does when I rescue abandoned newspapers from a train at its terminus, but he won't have a leg to stand on. Oh, that's horrible. Because Frank's his favourite comedian. I have second-hand newspapers and I feel ill. No, when I get off a plane or something, I'll always grab a newspaper.

Sometimes the Daily Express, which I think you can only obtain from a seat of an aeroplane. You can't buy it. Well, it's because air travel is over in 1960s, that's why. Do you know what I mean? They're theming the newspapers. I remember a friend of mine coming round the house and going to the toilet for some duration

and taking the newspaper with him and then bringing it back. Not only would I not read it, I couldn't quite work it out to get it into the bin without picking it up. I ended up holding it between two other newspapers, like a terrible newspaper toilet bacteria sandwich. Sort of weird salad scoop thing. You don't take someone else's newspaper to the toilet. No, no.

If you do, you might as well just flush it. It's no good to them after. It's a death trap. Was that D. Baddiel? No, it wasn't. It wasn't D. Baddiel. He either took it home. Really, the express should be free on trains,

shouldn't it, rather than planes? Oh, that's fighting talk. Oh, I see what you're saying. Totally fighting talk. I don't know, maybe. Frank, you were asking earlier what you had in common with Michael Gove. Michael Gove,

the Secretary of State for Education. Yes, that's something you hear every dayve michael gove the secretary of state for education yes something you said every day you used to be secretary of state for education briefly he would have been good yes i am i reintroduced caning for a week in 2008 in the 90s um 585 this is a stab in the dark but is it a stab in the dark that Frank and Gove have in common? Um, it's not quite right, but I'm going to give you that. Michael Gove did a late night satirical comedy show, would you believe? With David Baddiel, and of course I did a late night show with David Baddiel as well. Um, or I've done a few, so that's what we have in common, the Baddiel link.

He did a comedy show? Yeah. Goof, goofy. Yeah, I'm amazed that people haven't sought out clips from him of him saying controversial things. But you never hear it referred to. Yeah, but he must have said stuff which now would be very, very embarrassing. Incendiary.

Yeah, because I think he was quite... He was a bit Richard Little, John. Yeah, yeah. You know, you couldn't make it up. I heard he's got that in his game. I wonder if Charles Dickens was still alive, what he would think when he heard people say you couldn't make it up. Wouldn't he take that as a personal insult?

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I had a bit of a fashion disaster this week. Oh. No way. It doesn't happen often to me. No. But I feel the need to share with you all.

I went into work, as usual, into the headquarters of InStyle magazine. Where Emily is the deputy editor. I love his hushed tones of reverence when he says that. I always feel that we should give reverence to that. I do. Because it's nice that you have a real job.

I know, I do. Yes, I was a hell of a deputy editor of a fashion magazine. It's a proper job. If people just tune in and they hear you being, like, taking the mickey out of people's wares let's say they might not know that you're doing it with a certain degree of know-how and qualifications exactly authority even indeed proceed well frank i put quite a lot of thought into my office attire not everyone does i know that

when you work for a fashion magazine is there a pressure to wear something different every day do you dare go back is there a pressure um yeah it's imperative that you wear something every there's no pressure you have to wear something every day something different yeah something new oh my god can you imagine that every day no that's a pressure, I don't expect either of you can. That'd be like being Rachel Riley on Countdown. Oh, that would be a pressure as well. No, it's lovely.

It makes you very creative in the morning. However, this one morning... In the morning? Do you not lay your clothes out at night? No, I don't put a man on my chair like you do. I love the clothes man on my bedroom chair who watches over me at night. No, I don't put a man on my chair like you do. I love the clothes man on my bedroom chair who watches over me at night. Frank's clothes man.

I find it weird. I find it hard to dismantle him in the morning. Did you put him out last night? Yes, I did put him out last night. Did you? I slept in the spare room last night. Oh. So I got a bit more sleep.

Meanwhile, over at Install HQ, so I've put on, it's lovely, it was a mint green silk shirt, quite billowy. Hold on. And you can tease, and you can flirt, and you can shine all the buttons on your green shirt. There you go. Thank you for that. Elvis Cost on your green shirt. There you go. Thank you for that.

Elvis Costello's green shirt. Excellent impersonation. I love green. It's a much underestimated colour, green. Some people think it's unlucky. Yes. You know, it brought out my skin tone. It was lovely.

Very good. Very good. If they think green's unlucky, they want to examine the financial situation of Glasgow Rangers football club. So, I've teamed it with a dark denim, a skinny dark denim, and a black platform court. Top tin or...? Oh, no, billowing out.

Oh, lovely. Billowing. And a black platform court and a gold clutch. As I walk into the office, what should I see but one of my colleagues? I say colleagues, I'm her boss. And she is wearing virtually the self-same green shirt with a dark denim and a black shoe. Well, let's take the next lyric. You can say what you want, but somebody's going to get hurt. Oh, dear.

Well, let's call her Vicky, because that's her name. Okay. She did get hurt. Oh dear. Well, let's call her Vicky because that's her name. Okay. She did get hurt. Oh dear. Is that her real name or is it her nickname because she smells of embrication? She's lovely. Well, she was up until this point. Yes. And then you scratched her eyes out.

I said it was awful because at that moment I mean our relationship will never be the same again. Can I say this happens to me all the time at West Bromwich Alpine. Honestly, the amount of anxiety, oh God, someone else is wearing that shirt. Frank, it's a statement shade green. This is the problem. It's not a white shirt. If it was white, no one would even have noticed.

It's a bold choice. I bet you were a bit excited about getting in and thinking, oh my God they're gonna make on me i was waiting for the comments jack nicholson wait till they get a load of me you were like that on the way and then someone else has jumped the gun and it turned out everyone just ended up like they laughed at us they said we looked like we worked in the call center they said we looked like we were in eco cult it was awful so in the end there was a mexican standoff i thought I had to change I thought she had to change she wouldn't I could tell.

Changing to what though? We just go to the fashion cupboard. Of course. So I got one of the senior I forgot about the fashion cupboard. The senior fashion editor restyled me. So you changed?

I did in the end because I could handle it I was sitting in the office in a sweltering black coat. I think the two of you should have stood at the front of the office and there should have been

a vote on who looked best in that shirt and who lost had to go and put something else on. That would have been fair, wouldn't it? Yeah. Or I fear she might have won. A fist fight. She's younger. She's got ten years on me.

Oh, younger. Surely she should be dismissed. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had an email in on the subject of other people's food. Somebody ate some wedges that I'd left in the corridor.

Yeah. My brother coming home from a night out proceeded to eat our parents' doggy bag from a grill that they had dined in. I thought that was going to be it. Parents' dog. I came in and declined the rib he was cleaning off, only

for my mother to come into the kitchen in her dressing gown and start hysterically laughing when after a few good minutes we could make sense of what she was trying to tell us. She mentioned that when asking for the doggy bag the kind waiter had offered to include other leftovers of other diners. As mum had mentioned, it was bones asking for the doggy bag, the kind waiter had offered to include other leftovers of other diners. As Mum had mentioned, it was bones meant for the dog.

So it's been nagging. Again, absolutely fine. I had quite a close relationship with a barmaid back in Birmingham and she used to serve me at the slop's trays on the choir. I would go out and have 10, 12 pints of other people's drainings. That's the most romantic story I've ever heard. Thank you very much. It's a lovely story of love on the dole.

517, organised a meal. I was talking earlier, by the way, about a same-dress nightmare incident. Organised a meal and three people turned up in the same dress. That's from Tony. I don't know if that's a Grayson Perry type Tony. Was it a Mormon wedding? Frank, we've also had some emails from our listeners. I love that.

Hold on. Let's not forget. Oh, yes. My dear close friend. Email corner jingle. Here we go. You know our good friend who sent in the... I'm saying our good friend, not because I've become Jimmy Saffle,

but the bit of paper with his... What? What, Daisy? Ian. Ian? Good old Ian sent in a special jingle, which I'm going to play right now. E-mail corner Absolutely sensational.

Is that a pun on absolutely? We're calling that one the Bombay Mix. Nice. Hot stuff. I love that. You should have worked with Pete Waterman back in the day. I have worked with Pete Waterman. Have you? Worked with them all.

Yes, I did a TV show called Quizball, which was a football quiz thing, which I hosted, and Pete Waterman was a celebrity fan for Coventry City. Oh, was he? Oh. Frank, we've had some IEMs.

I should explain IEMs are Idiotic Eureka Moments, which is when you get something, it takes you years to work it out. The example that we've had, what recent ones have we had? We had someone who didn't know the animals went in two by two to the ark. Because they needed a male and a female. Yeah, no one worked that out. And I didn't really know that either.

I thought maybe they were just friends with benefits. And someone didn't know that... The hippos were. You bet 365 or whatever it's called. Yeah. The betting site was called 365 because of the amount of days in a year. So, you know, we've all been guilty of it.

Well, we've got a whole host of IEMs this week. I'd say it's one of the longest... It was sent in by a listener and it's the longest running theme of IEMs this week. I'd say it's one of the longest, it was sent in by a listener and it's the longest running theme of the show, I think. It's the mousetrap of our show, really. It is. Mike Billings, my wife had an IEM

following the death of Blockbuster's host Bob Holness. She finally realised why contestants found the line can I have a pee please, Bob? Funny. Can you believe that Bob Holmes had to die to get that very obvious part I always preferred I'd like you please Bob I thought that was much finer work

or I'd like a you quite a EWE that would have been a saucy one the farming special of blockbusters. Exactly. We had an email. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, firstly, where is the...

Could have been called flockbusters. No, that does sound pretty graphic. I'm like, can we take that out, Jeff? Live? Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, firstly, where is the Not The Weekend podcast? Well, the show's longer Yeah, where is it? Also, I had an idiotic eureka moment today

On realising why West Ham United's nickname is The Hammers As in West Ham Hammers Oh I've always wondered that Isn't it tricky one to work out? And you know that character Rodders In Only Fools and Horses?

That's because... Anyway. It's great that people own up to it because... We'll come back to this. I'm going to play some music because I... You know.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. F-E-N-A, the nickname for West Ham. I should establish, actually, we were discussing an idiotic Eureka moment, weren't we? Someone said they didn't realise that the Hammers came from a place being called West Ham. Yeah, that was Joe. And oh, how we laughed. Yeah, but now it turns out it's in our stupid faces. Andy H says, the nickname for West Ham isn't Hammers because of the word Ham in West Ham. It's Hammers because of hammers used in the Thames Ironworks, which was the original name for West Ham isn't hammers because of the word ham in West Ham. It's hammers because of hammers used in the Thames Ironworks, which was the

original name for West Ham. You can check on the official West Ham website. I can, but you know what? Of course we will. Wow. And we haven't even started on the Optum Park bowling ground controversy.

That's because we don't know what it is except you, I suspect. It's a bit too football minutiae for this time. We've had more than enough football on this programme. It's been football, hasn't it? I've been to Upton Park smashing people. Have you, though? Or have you been to the bowling ground?

Oh, are they changing their name? Isn't that what it's called? Well, I don't want to go there. Oh, OK. Well, I do want to go there. Well, I will next season. OK. Frank, we've got an additional IEM, which I'd like to share with you. OK, another Idiot Eureka moment. This is from Tony. Dear Frank and gang, just thought I would share an IEM that I believed in for about 20 years.

I thought that Edmund Hillary, when he climbed Everest, was helped by a guy called Sherpa Tensing. And even after hearing of other Sherpas being involved, I just thought it was a family name. Oh, I see. Great show, Tony. Yes. Is it Tony with a Y or an I? Tony with a Y.

OK, so it's probably a male. Probably male. Yes, Sherpa is a sort of a race. Nepalese. Yes, Sherpa Tensing, actually. The funny thing about it is it's not even his surname it's his first name

yeah it's like I was helped up by Sherpa Dave it's a bit weird his surname was Norgay oh is that right which is also the name of

Duncan Norgay an interesting holiday firm I used in Scandinavia what a trip that was. What happened to Big Tom? Anyway. I don't know. They often ask me to do talks.

They love me. Yeah, I bet they do. And the Norgays. Yeah. Well, having, of course, Googling me too, I saw you in a T-shirt that said fag hag. Were you? Yes.

Really? Because we had somebody in, somebody texting earlier. We had somebody in, like you own a hardware store. We had somebody in. He looked like he owned a hardware store in that denim shirt. Here it is. Have you got six-inch nails? I wanted to ask Emily whether she feels that she's a gay icon.

As a gay man, I feel extremely drawn to her in a platonic way. I was wondering whether this is just me or a common occurrence. John, cooking hot dogs in the streets of Hereford. I don't know if that's a euphemism. I suspect it is. I suspect he's currently on a Norgay holiday. I think you have got that sort of, shall we say, a sharp

end to your wit. Lovely. Attracts the gay community. Very proud of it. Yeah. Well, I'm delighted, thank you. And I might pop by your stall later and sample his words. Frank, we've had... Well, we haven't had anything, but I'd like to discuss Anne Hathaway.

Well, speak for yourself. I'd like to discuss Anne Hathaway. I refuse to discuss Anne Hathaway. Why? Because I think you have to come up with an original name and not have one from history. Who are these people? Jane Seymour, Eliza Doolittle.

It's all right to adopt a name, but they're very used. And after all, if I call myself William Shakespeare when I went into comedy, people would have said, that's absolutely ludicrous. She's only generational. Actually, she's the wife. She is the wife.

Is it all right to name your name after her? Shakespeare's wife. Anne Hathaway. Yes. Yeah. He didn't know that. No. I don't think he knew it.

Oh, it's a bit of an awkward moment. It's not as bad as when I said Descartes, is it? Not as bad, but it's in the ballpark. You wear the denim shirt. But did she pick that name? Did Anne Hathaway give herself that name? I don't care. She should have changed it.

Was she born Susan Williams? Even if she's born, she should say, I can't go into show business called Anne Hathaway. Yeah. She should have then adopted her name. Well, she likes her own name, though. She's been calling it all her life. I'll tell you what she likes.

I saw there was in in the daily mail comments on a story about anne hathaway yeah um a woman said i hate it when people say things like this but i work with anne hathaway and she was arrogant oh well if you hate it when people say stuff like that don't say it absolute absolute radio frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Well, she's been revealing her diet secrets She's a slender woman, Anne Hathaway I love a diet secret revelation Yeah, I do, I like that

You should speak to Boss I don't know how he keeps so trim We're doing the farquhar on him at the moment I mean, we're pumping the food down him and he still manages to keep slender. He's just a slender type. He's a bit jaundiced, you see. I say a bit, it's like living with one of the Simpsons.

I'll tell you something, he's a tough crowd as well. Isn't he? He's such a tough crowd. Does he not give much back, does he? I give him all my faces, all my comedy faces. I'll give him all the songs. All the... I sing, oh, what a wonderful thing to be,

a great big grown-up, with all the voices and action, nothing. That'll change, though. You'll get a better crown. Well, you'll get a better crown. Yeah, that's what they said to me at the Brits. Don't ever mention the Brits. Anyway, Anna Hathaway.

Well, she's on what she calls the les miserables diet and now i love this because she had to slim down she's going to be in it she's playing yes amanda holden made um less miserable um i had a slight iem then but it worth it. She says she's lost virtually a stone and she's been living on carrots and hummus. Radishes and hummus, I read. And carrots as well. Carrots, really.

Radishes. What I love about the radish is it's reddish. Oh, right. A reddish radish. Yeah. I think someone has done a bit of inner wordplay when they name the radish. They did the same with the orange, didn't they?

The orange, that was a bit straightforward. I'm calling that a bit route one. I'm sorry to interject here, but we've just had quite a marvellous IEM, 590. My IEM moment was finding out what a poker face meant. For years, I thought it meant someone with a long, thin face, somewhat like a fire poker. What does it mean, it means someone playing poker

when you play poker you don't give anything away yes of course yes it'd be good if you thought there was a burglar downstairs and you just went down with a very long thin face like if someone burgled Celine Dion's house yeah

imagine that so do you like this musical theatre diet then well I face. Like if someone burgled Celine Dion's house. Yeah. Imagine that. So do you like this musical theatre diet then? Well I think the radish is very underestimated. I haven't had one for a while but my dad used to grow radishes. Is it radishes or rad-i? Radishes, yeah. He used to grow radishes and he'd

say, come here, come here and he'd just tear one up and just, he'd wipe the soil off with his handkerchief and nip the ends off with his penknife and I'd just eat it there and then. And it's got a lovely, surprising, spongy inner area. Has it? The radish. It's a bit like, if you bit the finger of SpongeBob SquarePants, I imagine that's what it would be like. And yes, I have cleaned that up a bit. So I'm thinking of getting some radishes today

because I'd sort of forgotten that they existed. Oh, lovely. It's nice when food comes back on your radar, isn't it? How long since I've had a gooseberry? I don't know. You used to have them regularly as a kid. You used to eat them like people eat, now people eat blueberries.

Yeah. They were sharp. Oh, very tart. Oh, God, they were sharp. Very tart. I used to look, oh. It's all gone a bit of the food programme on Radio 4, hasn't it?

No, no, no. There was, every time you went, even though I ate quite a lot of them, it was, I used to look like Renny Zellweger after every bite. Sharp. So hummus and radish. That's the way to do it. I can see what she's done because

hummus is the most tedious of all the dips isn't it? So it's very bland. About 25 cals a teaspoon just FYI. Is that good or bad? It's not great. Not great. It's a good way of getting people to eat veg, though. So you need to dip something interesting into hummus

because hummus itself is little more than a backdrop to the stuff. It'd be no good, like celery. It'd be rubbish. Celery, I've always thought, is like eating a violin. Anyway, Leona Graham is coming up next, and might I say that if the good Lord spares us and the Greeks don't, and the Creeks don't, right, then we'll be back again this time next week, and that'll be good.

Goodbye. Goodbye. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.