The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Light Baby

Episode Date: December 3, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun have been approached with an odd request from Tom Light who would like help naming his baby, plus chat about John Lennon's to do list and Emily's new OC.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! This is Frank Skinner. We Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner.

We're on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily and I'm with Alan. Morning. Hi. Yeah. What? Did you actually say what? I think we need to workshop your greeting.

Oh, I'm awful. That could catch on. I think so. That could catch on about 15 years ago. So, what's new? Jeremy Clarkson has upset everyone. Yeah. Yeah, but he's looking good.

He looks great. I think I have a certain sympathy, because I think that although I categorically disagree with everything he's said, in fact, everything he's ever said, I think he has the disadvantage that his brain is a lot further from his mouth than most people. Big. There must be 18 inches between his brain and his tongue. It's a long journey, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. It's a massive distance to cover. During that journey, it gets more right wing, I suppose. It's like as you get older, you get more right wing. That's the problem. Well, that's what they say. I've actually become a member of the French Greens. Don't know quite how that's happened.

I'm on Mange 2 at the moment. Mange 1, I must say, was a bit chewy. I liken this one better. They've settled into the characters now in Mange 2. If you want to text us about anything, we're on 8-12-15. Yeah, don't look at me. I didn't make the number up. I have made the number up in the past. What a nice man that George Michael is.

So, I'll tell you what, can I start before we go any further? Oh, you can start. You know, we've been talking about, for the last few weeks, about TV shows and the like that were only made because people come up with a title that they thought was a clef of porn. Having talked about it for three weeks, I got an offer this week to present a show. To show, as it's said, the way people who work in football

have got more refined tastes than people might think. That's the kind of strap line. It's called footballers' wines. Oh! Footballers' wines. Oh! Footballers' wines? In which people from football sample fine wines and offer their comments. That sounds nice, yeah.

Oh, man, I was tempted to do it just for the pun of it, but... Now, Frank, what have you been up to this week because i heard a rumor i had a little rumor there was some absolute based work going on there was i was um i i got a fast train from norwich to king's cross well i think it went via liverpool street it's a funny country in western song yeah and uh it was a big Do you remember the Faces for Radio campaign?

Yeah. It was pictures of me, Christian O'Connell, and Dave Gorman, my colleagues here at Absolute, looking like we'd just got up. And it was the idea that we had faces for radio. Basically, we were too ugly for television, was the theory. And now I haven't... We had another photo shoot for the new campaign this week but I

no one's actually told me what it's called nor have I quite worked out the theme but it's we were all dressed in various forms of 19th century oh a bit Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen well I was wearing a canvas

straitjacket I was a sort of a as far as I could tell I was wearing a canvas straitjacket. Oh, goodness. I was a sort of a... As far as I could tell, I was a Victorian... Lunatic. Yeah, I was an asylum inmate. Yes. Yeah. And I think it might be cool faces for the 19th century,

the new campaign. Yeah, so I was a weird... I have to be behind bars in a straitjacket leering out is the look they're after i don't know what this is how they mentioned it in the script then he leers well the thing was that the the woman had to put makeup on me to make me look more mad so as she was i had to lean through the bars i imagine that this is what it was like in the 19th century, that women went past and lunatics would lean out and say, Oh, lady, give us a little bit of mascara.

And it was very like that. Ian Wright was there. Was he? Ian Wright was dressed as Florence Nightingale, the Lady of the Lamp. Oh, good heavens. Truthfully, yes. Tending for victims of the lamp oh good heavens and you truthfully yes i don't know whether or not tending for um victims of the crimean war and you can't you just can't but put the balm on a um on a musket wound and use um an isotonic sports drink it has to be properly medicinal no i don't

he was i don't know i didn't see him in his gear. He was just dressed as Ian Wright when I saw him. Dave Gorman was a street urchin. Yes, I can see that. But he had a beard. No, I'm a big fan of Dave's, but I can see him as a street urchin. I don't like bearded street urchins. It looked like a sort of Victorian version of the South American Wolf Boys.

But it was good. I'll tell you something, though. If there's any lunatics listening, you'll know that the first thing that happens when you put on a canvas straitjacket is you want to scratch your nose. Immediately, the first thing that happens. So I'm really looking forward to see what the theme will be on that. I can't wait to see what Ian Wright's clobber is. Yeah, well, he was in fairly wild gear,

and then he went home in it, so that was his trick. You know, he wears, like, little crazy hats and stuff. Wrighty, I believe we're supposed to call him. Yeah. I always call him Ian. Oh, do you? Yeah, I don't want to be controversial, but I've always called him Ian.

And that's the way it goes with me and Ian. Oh, do you? I don't want to be controversial, but I've always called him Ian. And that's the way it goes with me and Ian. It's as simple as that. Yeah, I always went Freddie Flintoff. I always called Andrew and he always looked at me in a kind of a well, what do you mean by that? Kind of a way.

I think you're not going to know someone well to go into nicknamed territory. Oh, I dive straight in. Yeah? Neil Fox. I didn't speak to. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.

We've had an email in from... Oh, I can't see his name. Tom. An email from Tom saying, hello Frank, Emily and Alan. My wife and I went on our first date four years ago to see Frank do stand-up in Barnstable. Four years on, we've got married, emigrated to Australia. I'm sure it was better than that. Yeah, it was quite a show. I thought that was the get out of this country tour. Or was it? And we are expecting our first child in January.

Congratulations. I was a January baby myself. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I've always been a fan of Frank's and listen to the podcasts every week. I would like Frank and the team, that's us, Emily, to help me with a little problem. Oh, dear. With six weeks to go, we have no idea what to call our baby.

With our surname being light all i can seem to do is find completely unsuitable yet comical ones my favorite so far is angel d light good good i really love that we'll come back to that or boys either light and no light please help me by no light no light light as in Noah Noah as in the ark But Noah light I think it's either light And no light No light

I'm not happy with that You can strike that one off Tom I think Let's get it down to a manageable amount Strike that light Nice The lady did a pun Let's get it down to a manageable amount. Strike that light. Oh, nice. The lady did a pun. Oh, God, that's the second strike joke of the week.

Let's hope that one doesn't go so badly. I think people that make strike jokes should be taken outside and shot. That's what I think. I think they should be taken outside and then taken back inside again. All right, yeah, yeah. Perhaps given a hot drink. I'm a pacifist. Yeah, aren't you?

Please help me by exhausting all the silly ones so that I can move on and actually find a name that works before my wife loses patience with me. Hope you can help Tom. Well, we'll try, Tom. We'll certainly try. Tom Light. Tom Light. Tom Light.

Yeah, that doesn't work either. No. What's his parents thinking of? If it's a girl, you could go Flora. Flora Light? Yeah. If it's a boy. Isn could go Flora. Flora Light? Yeah. If it's a boy... Oh, yeah, Flora Light.

I've only just got it. That's good. I've only just got it. That's very good. Idiotic eureka moment. What's that cheese you like, Frank? Philadelphia. No, Leodama Light.

Oh, but then you'd need life in brackets. That's called Leodama Light Life, though. Oh. Unless she marries someone called Life. Let's face it, it's a million-to-one shot. I think for a boy, Ed... Ed Light? What, Headlight?

Oh, Headlight! Oh, that's good. She could maybe name it... If it was a boy, they could name it after Ackerbilt. Yeah. Ackerbilt. Ackerlight. Ackerlight.

Ackerlight. It's a lovely word for a follower, you see. And I was also thinking Maggie, Mag for short. Maglite. Do you know Maglite? You don't know me at all, do you? It's a boy's joke. Like stage managers have on their belts.

That would work as an industry-based one. Yeah. Theodore, for the surveyors. Theodore-lite. Theodolite. Theodolite. You know what Theodolite says? Things on tripods that men with hard hats look to in the middle of the street.

You think, what's he looking at? Is that what they're doing? That's Theodolite. Yeah, they're surveying those people. Oh, good. I'm going to know that next time. I'm going to's the other lot. Yeah, they're surveying those people. Oh, good. I'm going to know that next time. I'm going to walk past and go, oh, it's the other lot. But they're living in Australia, so they need to make it environment friendly.

Yeah. Skylight. Sky. Sky. Get girls called Sky. Oh, yeah. But not if you're serving to life. Miller as well.

You can get Miller. Miller Light. That's a good one. Good for Australians as well. You can name it after Flash Gordon. Oh, that's... Flash is a good one. Good for Australians as well, Frank. You can name it after Flash Gordon. Oh, that's... Flash is a terrible name, Frank. You could name it after Razor Roddick.

Well, we've already had some suggestions in. I think we might need to open this to the floor. What about Said? Sideline. Oh, this is... This will take us a couple of hours. Tune in at five to ten and we're still doing this. Yeah, exactly.

Well, if you've got any suggestions for the light baby's name. The light baby. We don't know if it's... We don't know what... I don't know if we know what you're going to... No, I don't know. Don't tell us. Keep it to yourself. That's all right. It'll need to keep S what you're going to... No, I don't know. Don't tell us. You know, keep it to yourself.

That's all right. It'll need to keep Svelte with that surname. Oh, that's another thought. Keep him off the carbs, love. Or her. Yes. So what lovely advice from the new baby. Keep it off the carbs. Get body dysmorphic as soon as you can.

Oh, truly, this is the 21st century. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. So, um, yes, we've had lots of replies to the light baby's name, but they have to be proper names. There's never been ever in the history of the world a child called Roxanne

you don't have to put out the red. Don't be ridiculous. Alright. That's one text we can delete then. Yeah. That was from me. How about a nostalgia 30s baby name? Don't be ridiculous. All right. That's one text we can delete then. Yeah. No, we've had a... That was from me. How about a nostalgia 30s baby named Baker? Baker Lights.

514 Bud Light. Bod is good. Yes, I like that. Can I ask the people at Absolute Radio not to take Bod is good out of this in context and use it in an advert context? That would be terrible. Paula Light. Paula Light.

Paula Light? Paula Light. Say really quickly, Paula Light. Paula Light. I think it's someone just likes the name Paul, basically. Is it Paul or Paula? Paula on one of them. We've had a few saying Paul Light,

but I think that's almost like a cricket joke. Poor Light stops playing. Oh, poor Light. 319 High Gang, how about Ezra Light? Ezra Light. Oh, dear Ezra Light. Now, look, I did the accent, but I think I got away with it. It just came out.

Don't mention the strikes. No. 21,000 complaints. Oh, no. It's tough, isn't it? It's tough nowadays. We've had another text in. Hello, Frank.

My surname is also Light, and in 48 years I've heard them all. From Fanny by Gas to Osram. Take my advice and tell your Oz listener to change your surname to Smith. Regards, Steve Light. P.S. My boy's name is also Tom, and his mother picked it. I wanted Toby. Toby Light would have been fine, as is Tom. You've got to be careful, haven't you?

Because it's going to last a lifetime, possibly. My middle name is Kerr, K-E-R-R, which makes it sound like if I had been christened, that the vicar had a stutter, doesn't it? Alan Kerr-Cochran. So even like Light, you'd have to be careful about lulu because it would sound like lululite. That's an awkwardness.

It would sound like? Lululite. Lululite. Lululite. Oh, I see. Just too many L's right before light, wouldn't it? Oh, I don't know. I would go for Martin. Gazlite's good. Gazlite. Gazlite. Oh, yeah. Gazlite. That's good. Gazlite.

If ever he wrote a book called Family. Gaslight's good. Gaslight. Gaslight. Oh, yeah. Gaslight, that's good. Gaslight. I like that. If ever he wrote a book called Family... The cover itself would be worth... Sounds more like a magazine, to be honest. Get out. Go on. No. Right, right out.

Right out. No, right out. He's gone. I was offered that role. I genuinely was. What, Family by Gaslight? Yes. I was offered that role. I genuinely was. What, Fanny by Gaslight? Yes. Yes, I turned it down for Day of the Triffids.

Too dangerous. I turned it down for Day of the Triffids. That's the kind of sentence I want to hear on this show. Tune in next week for another chapter of the Partridge biography. That's great. Every now and again I slightly stand back from this show and think, do people really say stuff like that? Just before we came on air, Emily said,

I was looking in the beauty cupboard the other day. The beauty cupboard? A piece of furniture where beauty resides. Do you think the Beast had a beauty cupboard after she died? And he kept it in an urn. Oh, the smouldering remains of beauty. covered after she died. And he kept it in an urn. Oh, the smouldering remains of beauty. I say smouldering, I imagine eventually they cooled.

As all loves do. Extraordinary. Are you listening, Kath? Oh, mine hasn't. Gotta be so careful having your girlfriend, the strikers. Everyone's waiting to be offended. He was so wrong about the strikers. Everyone's waiting to be offended. He was so wrong about the strike. I thought the strike this week, it was like the royal wedding. I've never known such a lovely, popular, warm-hearted strike.

Children holding up banners. Oh, really? All it needed was a slightly balding young man driving a young woman down the mall with his handbrake on. It would have been... You know he had the handbrake on all the way down the mall. Did he really? Yeah, and did Charles, he got angry because he ruined the car?

Yes, it hasn't helped the car, I shouldn't think. Oh, he can turn, Charles. I mean, I've seen it at close hand. Have you? Oh, God, oh, God. I saw him nearly try to strangle this African chieftain. We toured together in the 60s. And the bloke, apparently, I don't know,

something about the way he was dancing, Charles thought he was checking the mickey out of him, and he just went. It was all kept quiet, of course, by the papers. I'd never seen anything like it. Until now. No, in the end, I had to drag him to the ground, rub his face in horse mess. i didn't feel good about that absolute radio with frank skinner what else well i'll tell

you what else frank i love an auction i do i particularly like it when a celebrity is involved in an auction because i like celebrity memorabilia. I collect it, in fact. Inadvertently, sometimes. Yes. It's just left behind, is it? Yeah. OK. But John Lennon has... Oh, yes.

Have you seen this? It's his to-do list. It's his list of chores. And it's up for auction at the moment. What I like about this piece of memorabilia, it sort of changed its nature. Yeah. When it first came out, they thought he'd written it for himself.

And when I read it, it didn't make any sense at all, because it sort of says B there, block capitals on the line, and you thought, it's too hard on himself. But, of course, turns out he's talking to Fred Seaman, his PA, telling him what to do. His list of instructions is great though he has buy marmalade which I like

I like that it's written, there's no messing about with that is there? No. I would just write marmalade and think well how else are they going to get it I was I can't remember where it was I'll tell you what I went raspberry picking in Venice in the 1980s.

I think we all did. And there was a guy who woke up on the campsite one morning, desperate for jam, and it was like seven o'clock. And he was just going, jam, jam, I'll do anything. If anyone's got any jam, please, I must have some jam. And he was really going mad. And someone, I heard a voice say, I've got some damson. And he went,

has anyone got any other flavours? I thought you were desperate. The damson has been your... So I know that feeling now. I personally think marmalade's quite vile. Do you? You'd be no friend to Paddington. What's the point of taking stuff that you don't eat

and trying to sneak it into other food what like orange peel oh yeah it's orange peel yeah anyway he also had which i like tell me about hair dryer yay or nay i love that which i adore i love the archaic language. He sounds horrible, don't you think? When he says, be there, block capitals, that is, I would never write that to my personal assistant. He's so aggressive. If anyone ever texts me in block capitals, I always text back, there's no need to shout. Yes, the two deserve that.

He also, there's one area as well where I think he's getting a bit nasty. He's turned, a la Prince Charles. He says, would it be a good idea to make sure both cars have full gas tanks? Yeah, exactly. It's not often you can read sarcasm. Very Imagine No Possessions. Wouldn't it be? Wouldn't it be a good idea?

You can hear it, can't you? Do you think they've done a whole journey with the red light on? And John Lennon's just like, we're going to run out. We're going to run out. Yeah. Both cars. Fucking hell, yeah. Give it to Mary.

Two jokes. Do you know Give It To Mary? Give It To Mary. Paul McCartney wrote a song called Those Were The Days, my friend. It's called Those Were The Days. You know it? Those were the days.

And they gave it to Mary Hopkin, who was like, she'd just won a talent show, I believe, something like that, and she got to number one as a big hit. It was a real sing-along song, and apparently after that, every time Paul McCartney came up with one of his lovely melodic tunes and said, what about, here's the new song I've written, John would say, give it to Mary.

Horrible. We loved him, but we think he was horrible. I suppose that's the bottom line. He certainly sounds tetchy at times. There's a bit on the... Being for the Benefit of Mr Kite, where a guy sort of plays... He says, oh, take two on For the Benefit of Mr Kite,

and you can hear John Lennon going, being for the benefit of Mr Kite. Like, properly tetchy. This is the song title, it's one extra word. But one of the things that he says on this is the song title it's one extra word but one of the things that he says on this is um a tor hyadal book return now i only ever know what it's interesting this tor hyadal was a sort of a scandinavian explorer oh and he uh he did the contiki expedition which was when he i think it was the vikings it was based on the Vikings could have gone wherever. So he built a raft as the Vikings would have built it and went on this

perilous voyage. And we, it was the only book in our house as a child I ever remember seeing. We had a Bible. We had a Bible and taught Hyatt House the Contiki expedition. I'm starting to wonder if it might have been John Lennon's. But I love the fact that John Lennon wants a book back. Buy another one, John, you can afford it. Actually, I've given it to Mary. I misunderstood your previous instructions. Oh, no. So, yeah.

Yeah, he doesn't come across well. By the way way I think I've still got your Simon D book have you? but then again you've still got my Audrey Tattoo DVD I have this is the sort of thing you could do while playing a song in it but I do like the idea you know you're on the radio I'm in that position I haven't read the Simon

I haven't watched the Audrey Tattoo no well that's it but you don't want to give it back but you don't want to think you couldn't couldn't be bothered to either read or watch what you think i don't think this show has ever descended into one of those accidental phone calls where you just hear a conversation between what do you do when someone gives you a book you know when you deliver it back you've got to give them a bit of a review i haven't had a chance to watch it can i say not reading a book is a bit of a review. That's what I've had with the film. I haven't had a chance to watch it. Can I say, not reading a book is a bit more justifiable

than not watching a 90-minute DVD. That's what he's saying. You can stick your DVD. Frank, Frank, Frank Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. The thing, though, with knitwear, is I don't The thing though with knitwear is I don't really go in for knitwear

because I think knitwear is only nice until the first wash. Yeah. It's never the same. That's true, Frank. It's never the same. I don't care if you wash it in cold water with no soap. Still never the same.

They should sort that. It's the 21st century. There's always the danger of bobbling yeah there is frank was referring to my horse knitwear and we then touched on our mutual content for horses did you say horse knit yeah what does that mean horse knitwear it's a jumper with a horse on the front oh has it got a horse on the oh sorry your monitor's in the way what's she talking about horse yeah is it made of horse yeah yeah oh i didn't see the horse now it's all falling into place yeah we were saying that we loved it the whole image of the noble stallion and that beautiful the symmetry the the mosque the muscular definition. But the actual creatures are vile. I'd actually go so far as to say they're rank.

Rank? You'd go that far? Do you get horse ranks? Like taxi ranks? Yeah, I think so. You did in the Wild West. Back in the day. Is there a horse rank round here? I'm thinking I might have a drink tonight. So I'm not taking my horse.

Well, you don't like that you have to earn their respect. That's what people say. No, do I want to... I have to earn the respect of a horse. A horse. I'm afraid you need to do what you're told. You're a horse. And I am the steward of civilisation. Get over it.

Do you think that's what Clarkson thought he was asked about? Do you think he thought it was horses and he was going, this should be taken outside and shot? I'm open, they're outside in general. Yeah, exactly, you don't want your indoor horse. No, I like the indoor horses. They're like indoor fireworks, they're not really fireworks at all. Now, Frank, we've had an IEM.

Ah, let me explain. An IEM is an Idiotic Eureka moment, i.e. something that you get much later than everyone else. I don't mean like if you got rickets now. I mean, if there was a joke or something like that that was around for years before you went, oh, God, of course. Well, this is from Paul Bowden, or Bowden, however you prefer. Let's call the whole thing off. He says, I'd always struggled with understanding the popularity of the song I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus, as to me

it glamorised a little girl catching her mother cheating on her father. Funnily enough, that's how I read it. Really? Yeah, it dawned on me very slowly, a little insight into my childhood. I wasn't going to say anything. It dawned on me very slowly whilst listening to it the other day that the Santa Claus in question is probably her dad.

It's given the song rather more innocent and lovely, Hugh. And then I think of Phil Spector. It's all massively confusing for me. I think Phil Spector did the song, I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus, brackets, and so shot them both, close brackets. Yes, well, I did know that. I didn't know that either. I've only just realised

that. The idea is some terrible tale of infidelity discovered. I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus and she was drunk. I thought that. She was doing. He was all over her like a rash. Leaving Santa. I've gone off it now. I'm ready for Santa

though. I can't wait. I can tell that I'm getting ready for Christmas because I've been getting really irritable about very minor things, which usually means that I need to stop. Is that how you prepare? It usually means that I need to stop travelling and eat some gammon and get some new socks. I get genuinely excited about the fact that I'm...

Eat some gammon. I love gammon at Christmas. I love gammon anyway, but, you know, it's tradition, you have a massive gammon. And I've been getting really... The other day, somebody was on the phone to me and I thought I could hear them smoking

and caught myself getting a wave of anger, like, are they smoking whilst on the phone? At least say it. At least tell me, oh, yeah, I'm smoking. I don't think you can get secondary smoking. No, I know. Through the mouthpiece. I know, it's unnecessary anger,

but there's a bit of me that was like, God, why can't they just tell me that they're smoking? It was really weird. And then thought, oh, I wonder if they can hear me having a sip of my cup of tea or something. And the other day, I texted my wife while she was walking our son round to the school, and the phone buzzed on the table behind me.

I texted a phone that was in the same room as me. I was incandescent with rage. Honestly, it was like basil faulty levels of rage. And I just think it's definitely time for Christmas, isn't it, if you're getting that angry about little things? Well, I've had a lovely sense of diminishing annoyance over the last two weeks, because in our flats,

they're putting carpet down in the common areas. Oh, are you getting carpet in the common parts? Yeah, I know. It happens when you get to my age. And quite a thick pile. But that's another story, as you would say. So, honestly, when they're outside the flat, we're on the 11th floor,

and when they were outside the flat, it was really... And, you know, people, they don't even... It's not even a sort of manly hammering when you're putting down a carpet. It's not... Wow. Yeah.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. It's like a woodpecker at the door. And it's really annoying. And over the course of two weeks, it's gone down the floors. So I know it's about the third floor. I can still hear it. Can you? But it gets a little bit less annoying with each floor.

It's really something to look forward to. So it's not really annoying gone. It's really annoying, a bit less annoying, a bit less annoying. It's like a ramp. It's got a ramp. Anton Dubeck in tap shoes, I'm imagining. Yes, well, he's actually inside my flat. Just tap shoes and a bow tie.

A bit like the, what was that male group? The Chesterfields? Oh, no, that's... Chippendales. I know they were furniture based. The Chesterfields was probably the northern version. It was like the tribute act, you know. Oh, I love The Chesterfields was probably the northern version. It was like their tribute act, you know. Oh, I love the Chesterfields.

The full Monty featuring the Chesterfields. Isn't it quite a lovely town, Chesterfield? I'm thinking it's all, isn't it all gothic and smashing? I know it sounds like it shouldn't be, but I think it's quite nice. What, it's Chesterfield? Yeah. Oh, I think it's all right. We've had a lot of reaction to our horse comments.

Oh dear. Have you? Oh dear. I think it's fair to say we've divided people, really, over this. We've not conquered. No. What, the goats from the horses? Well, Ian says, Frankie, you're saying horses are a bit pony.

Funny. Very good. Sam is not very happy with us. No? I cannot believe you were saying that about horses. I always loved listening to you on a Saturday morning, but you were so very wrong about them. Oh, dear. It's gone very well. So very wrong, dear, that's gone very well.

So very wrong. Yeah, that'll be Willie Carson. I wish he'd stayed in the jungle. That's what he's going to be like. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. I had a very informative text in. Just a minute, I have to reintroduce the show. Oh, OK.

Hey, it's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. Not necessarily in that order. Carry on. Well, I was about to have had a very informative text in. As you know, I only joined this show in June, so I was unaware of this fact. But 363 has texted in,

Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, just want to say how proud I am that you are still talking about IEM's Idiotic Eureka Moments ever since I texted in last year. Oh, it's him. Yeah, about my wife Michelle and her back-in-the-habit faux pas with Sister Act 2. Yes. Gary Davenport in Godalming.

Godalming. Godalming. Godalming. Sorry. Lovely area. No need to apologise, love. Gary, I've often thought, when we've talked about idiotic eureka moments, oh, God, who was the bloke who sent this in originally?

Because, yeah, it was totally a listener-led idea, and it was Gary from God All Ming. And it's like nuclear power now, and it can't be put back in the box. No, but, no, he's an historic member of the show. In fact, I have to say that Gary from God All Ming, I say God All Ming, is officially friend of the show. Yeah, he's helped us

too. I'm glad we've given him his propers. Yeah. Yeah, how lovely. It was always a great idea, the idiotic eureka moment. If you want to text us about anything, we're on 81215 as we always are. And do you know what? I have nothing to add to that well i have um to add in general because frank i have a new oc may i remind you

gentlemen what an oc is when it's in my context i think i remember but go on it's an obscure crush yes indeed it was vince cable once yes for a while. And the son of the shamed canoe man. Oh, yeah, of course, the son of the shamed canoe man. Sounds like an old musical song. The son of the shamed canoe man that I knew. Hey, lady. We should have sung that at the absolute 19th century launch. Yeah, launch. That's what it'll be. It'll be absolute 19th century launch. Yeah, launch.

That's what it'll be. It'll be absolute 19th. It'll be their new radio station. That's why we're all dressed as Victorians. Oh, yeah, it will be. You're just tuned in. Look forward to those tunes. Yeah.

I won't bother explaining. We'll talk about new stuff now so you don't feel left out. So, Frank, my OC, he's involved in one of my favorite reality shows i'm going to call it a reality show it's uh the only way is leveson i call it the leveson inquiry i've been glued to it i've been downloading it i watch it all the time i think it's leveson awful sticking the juice and the juice and advert and running with it. Go on, carry on, yeah. Who is it from the Leveson inquiry? Is it Steve Coogan? No.

It's not Lord Leveson. I'm not that weird. No. He's a funny-looking character. Well, you know, he's a serious individual. He has no time for sexual allure. Is he? I don't rate him.

But anyway, I actually have a massive crush on David Sherbourne, who's the celebrity lawyer. He would be the celebrity lawyer that I like. He's very dashing, frankly. He was the one who arrived with Hugh Grant. You see that one? Lovely, lustrous, black, tufty hair. He looks to me like he smells of shaving lotion.

You know that kind of look? Oh, right, yeah. He represents them all, doesn't he? Oh, he does. He represents them all. Skinny, strokes tie. And he's like Harrison Ford in the courtroom speech. I just think he's brilliant. He's my does. He represents them all. Skinny, strokes tie. And he's like Harrison Ford in the courtroom speech. I just think he's brilliant. He's my favourite.

He's my favourite. You're kind of a bit Brucey there. Well, as you know, I've always been slightly affronted that I wasn't hacked. Were you not hacked? No, I took it as an almighty slap in the face. And I've never felt that more keenly

than this week when Anne Diamond stepped into the dock. And I thought, well, they couldn't be bothered to hack my phone, but they were queuing up to find out the general tittle-tattle of Anne Diamond. Oh, no. I thought, how long has this phone hacking been going on? It's been going on since before there were mobile phones, is all I can... Yeah.

And then she gets up and she does that thing that Richard and Judy does, describes herself as a journalist. You know, people who are a bit sort of TV souffle type people, just, you know, TV presenters. Don't call yourself journalist as if you're hard-hitting out there in the war zone instead of doing something about a multicoloured bus stop in Warwick. But it did remind me, because she's up there giving her views as if she's very authoritative. She wore a chunky knit, I seem to recall.

Yes, she did. Did she wear a chunky knit in court? Yeah, I think she might have, yeah. Oh, OK. I bet it wasn't as nice since she's washed it. No. But there she is, giving her evidence and people making notes and all being taken seriously.

It's only about, I bet, 12 months that she was in the Daily Mail saying that a ghost had tried to sell her a house. Is that right? Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. So Anne Diamond is looking for houses a few years back and turns up at this place with her mum. Old lady lets her in, says,

have a look round, help yourselves. They have a wander round. They like it. Anne's thinking possibly putting in an offer. Go, love, we'll see how it goes. They come back to sit, can't find the little old lady. So they're wandering round the house, they go into the living room, they sit down,

and say, well, that's a bit weird, we don't have the keys, we can't even lock up when we go. And then the mother says to Anne, Anne, and then Diamond says yes. She says, there was no furniture when we came in, what are we sitting on? They realised they were sitting on an enormous coffin. No. In the

middle of the living room. So they become distressed and dash out the house, phone the estate agent, who you would, and said, you know, what's going on? Well, the curious he wasn't there in the first place, but never mind. The estate agent said, that's impossible, because I've got the keys to that house, and the old lady who lived there died some, what, some three weeks gone.

Was it a dark and stormy night? Some three weeks gone. Was it John Lennon's archaic language? She was found lying on the living room floor. Exactly where the coffin had been. Oh, no way. So not only was she a ghost, but she had a ghost

coffin as well. Right. You know what I think? Ghost wood. I think Anne and her mum were going to view a house and they popped the weather spoons on the way you can't say that about and i can if i want i mean if you think a ghost has showed you around the house you've started early that's what i say well um i've i've as it turns out, I've actually hacked Anne Diamond's phone. So we can just make this. Hello, Mum. Hello, Anne.

Look, I haven't been in the paper for about four years. I wonder if you'd back me up on a story. What is it this time? Well, it's a sort of a ghost trying to sell me a house. What do you think? Oh, Anne, for goodness sake! That's all I got, but I think the evidence is there. And the mother characterisation

I thought was Sterling Wirt. Thank you very much, Sterling Wirt. What happened to him? Have we heard from the outside world? Oh, we have. We've had a really nice text in from Tom George saying he's on dialysis at Guy's Hospital. Thank God you guys make me smile on a Saturday morning.

He's part of our hardcore dialysis following. Tom, that's lovely. Thank you very much for that. Dialysis, of course, is... Isn't he that Welsh golfer? Dialysis? I think so. Get well soon, Tom, if that's an appropriate thing to say.

And Cockrell, have you been watching The Only Way Is Leveson? I've seen a bit of it. But I'm perplexed by it slightly. I don't know, has it actually got any power at the end of it all? I caught myself wondering the other day, does the Leveson inquiry have teeth? And then Steve Coogan came on and I thought, oh yeah, it's got teeth, he's got quite a mouth on him.

I think at the end the idea is that Lord Leveson looks into the camera and goes, hey, just watch it in future that's it that sounds like it might be yeah he's not much good he doesn't read the papers he admitted that the other day they said in today's papers you and i haven't seen them i haven't he hadn't seen them two days running no i think he listened to the phone call so two weeks before so he knows what's coming i saw it the other day when that teacher that had been wrongly accused of the murder of the girl. Yes, let's not go into the dark.

It's a comedy show. He's changed his appearance and he was saying I had to change my appearance and stuff. But again, I caught myself getting exponentially irritated because he'd left a little label on his sleeve on a new suit. You know when you get the little band lid.

Oh, that thing on the front. I'm never quite sure whether to take those off or not. Well, I was going to ask Emily. Get rid of it. Surely you get rid of it. Get rid of it immediately. Do you know what else annoys me? Not what else annoys me.

Sometimes you see people at events or on the tube go into an event and they've got a suit on, but they've left the stitches on the flaps. So the flaps are still stuck. Oh stuck oh god it makes me mental and how terrible when you get to put something in a breast pocket on a new suit and it's stitched yeah always loosen the vent always loosen the vent always loosen the vent that's what ray allen told me what about when charlotte church did you see charlotte church yeah she was outraged by the way she'd been treated by the Murdoch kingdom. But there was a bit of... Did you just say she looked lovely? She did look lovely. She did look lovely. Lovely, very chic

courtroom attire, unlike Paul McMullen who could learn a few lessons. I liked it though when she lapsed, when she said, and we were flown out there on Rupert Murdoch's private jet, which was great! Now don't be too overenthusiastic. She also said she was asked to sing.

Did you see she was asked to sing P.R. Jaisu at their wedding? Oh, yeah. And she said, I explained to the publicist that P.R. Jaisu is actually a funeral song. Yeah, it's a wrecking. Oh. It turns out that they knew it was a funeral song, but Wendy Ding was just using it as motivation.

Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. So, Frank, stop all the clocks. Nancy... Is it going to be a bit of WI Jordan? Close. It's Nancy DiLoglio, who's almost a friend of the show. I would say she gets so many... She's not a friend of mine. She gets so many name checks on this show

i always think anyone who you can easily imagine on a yacht you should avoid generally oh dear we better talk afterwards um mancy frank that's a little ring to it has been approached for many times i would yeah no but not in the car this time no she's been approached for... Many times I would have thought. Yeah. No, but not in a car this time. No. She's been approached for £250,000. She's been asked to if she'll pose in Playboy. But... And she's 50. To be fair.

Is she? She is. She's 50. 50 years old. Is she? Oh, you think she's that little older? Yes. Oh, she looks...'s that little older? Yes. Oh, she looks... Showbiz age. That's more... Showbiz age.

That's even better, then, because she looks great for 50. She looks magnificent for 71, which is what you'll signify with your fingers at the moment. She says there's going to be a series of flamenco-style poses. Well, one leg. Well, that's flamingo. I'm thinking more. Sorry.

I'd like to see her doing, her standing in shallow water on one leg. No, Nancy. The karate kid. Flamenco. No, it's Spanish. Oh, you should have said, I know your spelling,

but I can't read it. No more, you know, I'm seeing fans and castanets. Yeah. Not that many fans. Yes. So she says she's going to show top and bottom in a tasteful way. Oh, no. In a tasteful way, Frank.

No, there is no tasteful way. I thought she was a lawyer. No, she didn't. Frank, I've explained this to you. When a friend of ours met her, she said, I lawyer. Which she didn't convince me. No, but it's a second language, be fair. How good's your Italian?

I think she's a property lawyer, is what she is. Right. Which means she always gets a good settlement. Yeah. But I think she's letting herself down on this one, I have to say. Oh, I think. When she says tasteful, does that mean there'll be something protecting her modesty?

I hope so. I don't even want to think about it. She could have John Ray Ballywing, world's smallest man. He's always looking for photo work. Who reads Playboy? No one. No one at all. Who looks at it?

Who buys it nowadays? When's the last time you saw a copy of it anywhere? You're asking the cockerel that? On air? On live radio? No, I just think it's one of the two great mysteries in modern selling and buying is that who on earth

buys Playboy and who on earth shops at past times? These are two of the great questions I'd like to know. He's right, though. Playboy is one of those things that I assume that at some point in my life I've read or looked at, and I never have.

In that way, it's very like The Female Eunuch by Jemaine Greer. I just always assume that I've read it. I think you're probably the first man to say that Playboy is very like The Female Eunuch. Unlike The Femaleunuch, I don't think I ever boasted to girls when I was in my 20s that I'd read it in order to try and get off with them. No, but it is one of those things that you hear it mentioned in an article like this and you think, is that still... Yeah. Like when I recently read an article saying that someone, in an interview with the TV Times, I thought, when?

When did that happen? 20 years ago. ago yeah but it's still going apparently eastenders they tell me still are you believe that what i'd like to know about nancy is if you went around her house i imagine she has an apartment me too yeah yes because of the stairs Me too, yeah. Yes. Because of the stairs. What do you think you'd see in a bookcase? Whenever I go round people's houses,

I always think a very good way of judging is to have a look at the bookcase. You can tell a lot. There's certain things that all... If I see... If I go round a bloke's house and there's an Andy McNabb in there, I always think, no, forget about it. Wouldn't that be great if you went to Nancy

and it was just full of Bravo 2 zeros? Yeah, that's a light way. Might be full's a lightweight i'm thinking um glossy coffee tables the joy of dogs that kind of thing yeah it could be something like that oh yeah the other one is an absolute if i sit in someone's bookcase i think that's it i'm never going to speak to this person again and also on the way out i'm gonna i'm gonna leave some sort of incendiary device, is 101 Things to Do with a Dead Cat. In fact, anything from the humour section of a book. Yes. My current one, as an absolute no-go in someone's house,

is the Steve Jobs biography. Frank! Yeah, I think they're not my kind of person. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, we've heard from the outside world. Good. We've had some emails in during the week, including this one from Joe Peters,

which I'm personally very fond of for reasons which will become clear imminently. Hi, Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. I'm a long-time listener but first-time writer to the show and just thought you'd find this story interesting. I'm studying in Liverpool and was recently taking a lunch break in the city centre when I decided to go into the local bookmakers. I only have...

I'm sorry, can I stop you there? How wonderful. He's studying, he's a student. Yes. I'm glad people still go to the... I feared that online betting would put a stop to that. It always was, in my childhood, the most profoundly working-class place. For men, that, for women, the bingo.

But so brilliantly and magnificently worked. I'd say one of the ultimate badges of working-classness is the three-inch biro. Anyway, carry on. I love that. I love him so far byro. Just, oh. Anyway, carry on. I love that. I love him so far. So Joe continues, I only had five pounds on me and was intending to do a football bet when I saw a horse racing in a second race called Posh Emily.

Everybody knows, listening to the show, that Emily is often referred to as Posh. The horse was a 9-2 outsider. Have I pronounced that correctly, Cockrell? 9-2 outsider? I believe so. So I decided I couldn't let it slip and bet my £5. To my elation,

the horse came first, securing a £27 return. A lot for a student. Just wanted to say thank you to the guys, especially the lovely Emily, for paying for my food for the week. £27 will buy his food for the week? Yeah, that's nice. 27 quid will buy his food for the week. Yeah. And yet he puts five pound on a horse.

That's about 50 pot noodles. He's a reckless character. Isn't he? This guy. Oh, goodness. Ah, the three-inch buy-out. The other thing is, you always used to know if someone had been in prison if they had a very ornate tobacco tin. A lot of time on your hands.

And you know they've been in a place where tobacco had some real status. I'm pleased for Joe, though. Yeah. I'm going to keep an eye out for that one. Me too. The old nag came good. Well, you said it. Yes, I did.

My mum would have said, it must be fate, it must be fate. That's one of her catchphrases. She's not in show business, she just lives her life like that. No, it's a pity because she could have been a fabulous astrologer. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Can you believe the cockerel's still talking about gammon? Yeah, I love it. Love is our beginning. It's so exciting. Don't you know that man's still talking about gammon? Yeah! In our end, it's our beginning.

What's so exciting? Don't you know that man cannot worship God and gammon? Well, if I had to choose, I'd go gammon, Frank, I'll be honest. Really? Yeah. I didn't know gammon was particularly Christmassy, either. No, she's African, isn't she? I'm not even sure they celebrate.

Oh, sorry, I think I got completely confused. He's talking about Gamu from X Factor. You won't even know that. He's telling me your anti-populist TV stance. He doesn't. It's not a stance. I just have a sick... It's a slouch.

That's what it is. I have a sick ability to be able to crawl into your mind. Oh, to my mind? Yeah. Yeah, but, you know, it's not such a bad place to be. No, it's lovely there, Frank. I might stay a while. Frank.

Don't open that door. The nut skulls. Thank you very much. Not something you'll be hearing much in this studio. What? Because, well. What happened?

No, the word thank you is out of vogue. Apparently no one's saying it anymore. I'm sorry, the phrase. Oh, I love a pedant in the morning. Apparently it's out of vogue. One in 20 people say nice one instead, which I can't bear. People still say nice one.

It's very Danny Dyer. I haven't heard anyone say nice one since I stopped sleeping around people don't say nice one oh nice one do they incredible and apparently also in vogue cheers fab and cool cheers of course

cheers sort of makes some sense but I'm maybe TV critic this is an episode called the very very It sort of makes some sense, but I'm maybe... TV critic. This is an episode called The Very, Very Tardy TV Critic. Cheers make some sense, but I'm not... I don't know if you've ever been to the southern states of America. Oh. But in there they do this thing that if you thank them,

like if you're in a restaurant and they bring you some grits, for example, or some maybe biscuits and gravy, and you thank them, you say thank you very much, they go, mm-hmm. Do they? Yeah. Oh, that sounds nice. In a kind of a you're welcome. And they all do it.

And I thought, I love this. I'm going to try and introduce this when I get back to England. But as you can imagine, I just got a sideways look. Yeah. But it's great. And I also like, I occasionally get letters from old age pensioners. I think we all do. But I don't send money, but I do.

I do like the fact that they all often end a letter. It's biro, handwritten beautifully. Often end it much obliged. Oh, nice. Now, do you know, that's biro, handwritten, beautifully, often end it, er, much obliged. Oh, nice. Oh, now do you know that's a favourite of Derek Acora's. He says that to the spirits. He goes, if you would leave this portal, we'd be very much obliged. He has said that.

I suppose he has to adapt his language, because the spirits would be old, wouldn't they? I don't know if they keep up. They'd be of a different generation, wouldn't they? I don't know, I can't imagine them sitting there in the way of the spirits, waiting for that newspaper article you get every 12 months about new words in the OED. Right, yes.

No, that's the trouble with a lot of dead people. They're behind the times. Yeah. They're not with it. No. My dad's ex-girlfriend used to say Danka all the time. Oh, Danka, sure. Sure, that's

my dad's ex-girlfriend truly this is the 21st century so anyway we move we move now towards our end if you'd like to listen to Not The Weekend podcast many do you can download that

yes I said download it's available from Wednesday morning officially, but you can get it Tuesday evenings between you and me. And that is more of this, but it's only available online. So it's nothing. It's separate, new, different stuff. Vicky Blight's next. Good old Vicky Blight.

And I don't have anything to add. Thank you very much for listening. Much obliged. Cheers. Nice one. And if the good lords will in and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back this time next week. Ta-ra a bit.

Frank. Frank. Frank. Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.