The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Liza

Episode Date: June 16, 2012

This week, Frank, Emily and Alun discuss England at the Euros, Cameron's pub-gate and their ideal celebrity parents!

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, of all people. And none of whom have received a mention in the Queen's birthday honours. No. Not that I'm aware of. No, you have to do a bit of handyman work for the queen really to get uh well gary barlow's got uh was he got cb ob he's turned into the queen's party organizer yeah apparently and it's management or something i think he's like uh what was the name of that fellow in the leather leather thong we used to talk about the leather strap i don't know but

we didn't talk about that ever. The pet of George I. Oh, of course. Peter the Wild. Peter the Wild. That's what Gary Barlow has become. He's become a pet of the royal household. I did wonder which fella in a leather thong you meant. We'd get there in the end. I think Emily had already

scribbled down six names and held them up to me, all of which are incorrect. George I used to have this sort of boy, a feral boy that had been found, and kept him as a pet. And I feel that Gary Barlow's moved into that role in the current royal household. He had a collar on him, and Gary does like a chain.

I don't think you should get an OBE for organising a gig, that's all I'm saying. No. You know, there's people all over the country organising gigs tonight. They're not getting mentioned. Your manager would be weighed down with medals. That would be the case.

He'd be like Mr T by the end of the week. He is Mr T. There's some blasts from the past though, Frank. I always like that about the honours list. There is definitely a celebrity dartboard at Buckingham Palace that she just chucks at.

And Jenny Agata. Yeah, that'll do. Amanda Redman. OK, do it. Richard Stilgo. Richard Stilgo. Richard Stilgo. I bet that was the Queen saying,

who was that bloke with a... Oh, who was that bloke with a beard? Oh, who was that bloke with a beard? Google it. No, no, no. No, bloke with, you said like comedy songs. Richard, that's him. Richard's still got it. Got it.

Let's give him something in the honours list. Well, he hasn't done anything for, no, do it. Let's, you know, Ruth Maddock. How come she missed out? Ruth Maddock? Yeah. Has she, did she get one? No, she Maddock. How come she missed out? Ruth Maddock? Yeah. Did she get one the year before? No, she didn't, but why not?

But she might already have one. Do you know that she hasn't? No, I don't know that she hasn't. What do you think I am? You're keenly following Ruth Maddock's CV. I didn't skip through Ruth Maddock's CV before the show. I do generally, but this morning I had all this stuff on. Mary Archer.

Mary Archer's got one for... She got one for being married to Lord Archer. For standing by him. Like a putting up with him award or something. By the way, if you want to text us about anything, including the Queen's Honours, but anything, you can text us on 81215. Some street sweeper

bloke got one. I never read those bits. You know, and it says the ordinary hero section. Oh, the civilians. Come off it. I mean, we're pushing it a bit with Richard Stilgo. But let anyone in a high-vis jacket receive an honour. No, thanks.

What about this Prince Charles? Has he got one? He's been given. It says in the sun, or the mirror this morning I think it was, in the mirror, it says that because he stood in for the Duke of Edinburgh when he had his illness.

Did he have some sort of kidney infection? I think it was the bladder. I'm sorry, I had to say it. I know. Well anyway, because he stood in for him he's been given, he's been promoted to-star rank in all three of the armed forces. Well, I mean, that's... That's a turn-up for the birds.

That's a bit like Idi Amin being the heavyweight champion of Uganda. That's the Queen just playing the role of evil puppet master. Just because I can, I'm going to do that. In all three of the armed forces. Yeah. Greedy. Apparently, my producer has just given us a note. You can follow us on Twitter.

Yes, I've got the Twitter page up. You can call it... We're at Frank on Absolute. I have to say, I profoundly... Frank, don't say something rude about Twitter. You're about to, aren't you? I despise Twitter in all its aspects But there we are, I've read it out now

And if you feel you must do it, do it But you'll get short shrifts from me Absolute, Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Well, the cockle has handed out the dime bars. Excellente. It's exciting, isn't it?

It is exciting. I will say this, they are my favourite chocolate bar of all the chocolate bars. We discussed it a few weeks ago, and then my wife was going to a well-known Swedish furniture shop, and I said, can you bring some of those bars back? Can I take them into the show? I think you were having a themed football celebration last night and you were a bit ashamed to miss it.

Yes. Yeah, I think you were. Yeah. Did you see the football, Frank? I did see the football. Can I say something before we go on to the football, though? The producer, Daisy, was bringing in something of a year zero, a sort of Pol Pot approach to radio.

I think because we were recently voted the third most entertaining radio show, she's now going for gold, as it were, Henry Kelly style. And as well as us being on Twitter, this morning's texting, and I'm very much following instructions here, is, what are you up to this weekend? Just text in on 8-12-15. Is it 8-12-15? Yeah.

What are you up to this weekend? Anything unusual? There you go. I love the way you really sold that. Well, I left a Pinterest pause at the end so people could think, oh, he means me. You never know, we might find out people. The sort of listeners we've got, who knows what they'll be up to this weekend.

Most of them in an alcoholic bug. I think not. OK. No, what do you mean, because of the football or just generally? People do like a tipple when it comes to the football, don't they? It's not a nice excuse to get that. I don't. You know why? I'm a recovering alcoholic.

So I don't like a tipple. Breakfast radio. Oh yeah, sorry. Sorry everyone. I'm not really recovering. I'm just holding on tightly. Well, I watched it. I watched the football. I thought it was rather splendid.

I'm a big fan of the England manager. You love him, don't you? I do love him because he did wonderful things for my club side. He has a lovely little celebration, Frank. I love his dance. Well, he's a... There is an element of little old man about him. He's like a little round-shouldered old man.

He's the sort of blokes when I was a kid used to have their own shopping bag, used to see good out of. I don't know if people have shopping bags anymore because they use, like, plastic ones. But people used to have ones that, like, leather-look type shopping bags. Do you remember those? Yes, I do.

Do they still exist? I think certain people have them. Well, anyway, but usually it was women, middle-aged women who carried them around our area. But occasionally you'd see them, but often it was widowed. And he'd be out, or an infirmed wife. He'd be able to shop him back. And Roy's got that kind of look to him.

But he's, I love him. See, I did a lot of martial arts when I was a teenager. Did you now? And sometimes you'd get men of a certain age coming along and they'd look frail like him, but when you actually touched them, they'd feel like they were made of rock. Oh, yes.

Hold it, you touched them. In a competitive martial art way. But I've got a feeling he's one of them. Like, he looks more frail than he is, but then I bet if you went and tried to push him over, you just wouldn't move. Do you think? What are you trying to push me over for?

Roy Hodgson, a sort of secret ninja. Yeah, exactly. I'd have the idea of that. Ibrahimovic was playing last night, a Swedish player, who I think is the ugliest footballer in the world. Ironically, in the same team as the most beautiful footballer in the world, Olaf Melberg. Oh, yes, I'm with you there. he's a very handsome one absolutely gorgeous well now you've

you've come a long way from martial arts see you prod these old men when you're young and who knows where it can end up he is definitely my football crush he's unbelievable we didn't know you had one until about two minutes ago. But I'm glad to hear that. Melberg, not Melberg, Ibrahimovic, is one of those blokes with a very small head. I mean, a small head, but a thick, muscular neck. His head actually is less wide than his neck,

which is, he looks like the end of a biro. You know the metal sort of thing that has the ball that's what i find him terrifying in appearance i'm very glad they're out of the tournament i don't want my small baby having to be confronted exposed to that no terrifying human being i'd like to discuss the commentary box at some stage but what i want to discuss alan hansen's tuft of hair we might have to come back to this i don't know if there's time for it i've got a lot to say well it sounds like it could be quite a long i mean i like one of the things about the camera coverage in the euros is and i'm sure you've noticed this is it's oft commented on the cameramen spend most of the game uh looking for babes yes they always look for bab. But I noticed very early on in the game last night,

with the England fans, they decided to settle for colourful characters. They gave up, completely gave up on the babe hunt. What a sad indictment of this country. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Despite your views on Twitter, they have been tweeting our listeners. We've had Paul Comerford. Comerford? Comerford, let's... Comerbond. No, not Comerbond. I was stitching back to the... When I said Pol Pot earlier, they thought it was Paul Potts

and they've come in with a Comabond remark. Oh, what a mix-up. Morning, Frank and team. Thanks for despising us all. Oh. What do you think of England's chances? And I agree with you, if you want to get on telly at the Euros, take a good-looking woman with you. Yes, well, as with film premieres.

Yes, but let's not treat women like that, that we take them as some sort of photo-gaining device. Good God, I think we've come on a bit since then, haven't we? What am I going to do with my time then? I can't do that.

Do you know something? Is it about our chances? Was that the question? Yes, England's chances. I just love the wise old fox manager. I love an old manager. Oh, yeah. Like that. It's just like there's something incredibly cool

about grey hair on a football bench. Is this Roy you're talking about? Yes, Roy. When we were discussing frail old men, someone's texted in saying, talking of frail old men, I met one at work the other day and it turns out he was in the SAS. He even had the tattoo.

Still a killing machine, you think? I think so. I don't think you ever lose that, do you? Yeah. So be careful. See, if we spread this more, we might stop people knocking old people about. You know, you get those purple pensioners in the paper. I hate that. That, to me, is when society has really gone wrong.

So just bear in mind, any one of them could be SAS. Yeah. Because you can't appeal to their compassion. You have to frighten them. It's these people. Yes. And you like wisdom on the bench at the football. The wisdom of Roy.

He's a smart... Oh, he's wise. Isn't he? He's very... When he was at West Brom, we had an unbeaten run of, I think, 13 games, but we got beaten, as every team does eventually. And they said,

so how do you feel about the end of your unbeaten run? And he said, well, as the Chinese say, not even the tallest tree grows all the way to heaven. Oh, I love that. Which is why he didn't pick Peter Crouch. Frank, we still have yet to discuss Alan Hansen's... Oh, yeah. His troubling tuft.

I didn't notice his tuft. You didn't notice it? How can you not? So he wears a powder blue shirt quite often, I've noticed. But there's a little tuft. It's exactly where he's done the button up yes it's like a little flaming torch olympic torch of hair oh i thought you meant head hair no no no i'm talking about here because alan shearer he goes for the loose gym owner he has like three buttons undone no i thought the bang on actually no we're

gonna have to disagree on that oh dear oh definitely. Oh, definitely. Button gate. Yes, exactly. But, yeah, I just think it was distracting me. It was distracting me the whole night, I'm afraid. I think Gary Lineker looks a bit less grey. What are you suggesting, Frank? I wonder if he's just darkened it just a little bit. Oh, right, he's going in shades. I don't know.

But do I think we can win it? Well, I always think that to some extent, but I tell you what, I think it was Fabio Capello who said, some players are not in their top moment. And when that happens, hey, stick around. That's what I say. I'll give you another Roy Hodgson moment. They were talking, he said, I think that, you another Roy Hodgson moment. They were talking.

He said, I think that, you know, the manager. There'll be one hour. It's important that the manager, he says, should, you know, is the dominant figure in the dressing room. He said, as the Scandinavians feel, that the church should always be in the centre of the village. I mean, fantastic. Yeah.

It's not enough of that. Can you imagine Mark Lawrenson saying, the trouble is that the back four, they're lying so deep that if they don't come forward more and get closer to the midfield, I feel the titmouse may fall prey to the viper. But it doesn't happen. It doesn't happen, that kind of thing. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Frank, you were asking our listeners what they were doing this weekend. Yes, I did ask that. Somewhat begrudgingly. Yeah. But I am interested. It just feels a bit like what DJs ask their listeners. Well, I don't think you'll be disappointed by this response. Okay. Extraordinary.

This is Stephen Smith. Frank, I'm climbing St Hubert's steeple. I'm also holding an onion. Well, St Hubert's is the school I went to and in fact the church I was, I think, yeah I was baptised, First Communion,

First Confession, Confirmation. It all happened for me at St Hubert's. Lovely. It's a big steeple, I'll tell you that. Is it? It's a tall one. Massive white cross on its seat from all around. Why is he holding an onion?

I don't know what the onion element is. Is he trying to get access to his children? Is he one of those terror climbers? He'd have one of those fancy dress costumes. Is he dressed as the Silver Surfer? And it would still have the creases from the cellophane packet. Oh, no. I was thinking about that myself this week.

The baby was crying. And I thought, maybe if I get up a tower and shouted, keep your access, we could reverse the whole process. Tell you what, if you do want to make it a more interesting texting rather than what you're doing this weekend what are you wearing on your protest to get access to your children

it's quite niche though isn't it, it's quite specific I think a texting what are you wearing could be the closest to a sort of formalised sex pest you could possibly have you know how people are going to text in now is what they're wearing. Black jeans,

black t-shirt. I would genuinely like to know what people are wearing. We know what they're all wearing to a t-shirt. Everyone who listens to this is wearing to a t-shirt of some kind. I mean there's some variety in that, I don't deny it. Probably a few in

Frank Skinner to a t-shirt. I don't deny it. Sure, yeah. Probably a few in Frank Skinner tour T-shirts. I shouldn't think any of those still exist. I've put out some terrible merchandise in my time. Have you? Awful, ugly things. What are you least proud of? Have you done lots? I'm least proud of...

I had a mug with a rather coarse joke in full on it. And we've got one in our mug cupboard. No, we can't. Couldn't possibly. Why did you think it was fit to print on a mug? I don't know what got into me. But I look at it now in the mug cupboard and honestly it makes me want to heave off.

Honestly, I'm not kidding. I find I am embarrassed by it. In the cold light of day, it feels so... Beneath you? Not beneath me, but it just feels a bit coarse for a mug. I don't mind a bit of filth, but never on pottery. No.

It's good to have a rule, isn't it? Yeah. Grayson Perry taught me that, and you can learn a lot from that man. Stroke woman! Alan has texted in on 867 Ivor Badil is my neighbour does anyone else, do any other listeners have a famous neighbour?

Ivor Badil of course is the brother of David Badil so if you have to explain it and give someone a footnote that generally means they don't count does he count as famous? there's always some people who don't know. I think he's... I regard him as... No.

OK. Well, I share a personal training with him, so, you know. Do you still go to your personal training? Well... Oh! Is that a question you must never ask? Is that like when you meet an actor and you say what you opt at the moment? Yes.

Oh. I did that the other day. Yeah. Oh, did you? Do you still go? That sounds as if you're saying because you don't look as if you do. No, I mustn't say that for a second. I can't see you behind that computer screen. You could be as lithe

as a young wench. Not as often as I should. And either... Does anyone go to their personal trainer as often as they should? Probably not, no. That's this week's texting. Well, people are texting with what they're wearing. Oh, are they?

I'm still naked, you're making me laugh loads. What am I wearing? Just my dressing gown, time to get dressed. No, that's not a hurry. If you're laughing that much, it might be an idea just to wear something absorbent. idea just to wear something absorbent. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Oh, I've got a dime bar on my top.

It's awful. A dime bar on my top. A dime bar on my top. Can you get us a cloth, please? And some soapy water. Yes? Thank you. We're not usually desperate for material, this is all. Frank, Ricky Oliver has tweeted us.

Ricky? Yes. Tweeted? At Frank on Absolute. Truly, this is the 21st century. He says, you were asking earlier, what are you wearing? In a sort of off-the-cuff way. Off the cuff? What are you wearing? Genuinely responded.

Oh, brilliant. I'm wearing a blazer coupled with a Claret Chino Sons Tour T-shirt. Very good. Claret Chino and blazer? Can I say, he sounds very up my strata. He does. I like the idea of someone dressed informally to listen to the show.

When he says Sons T-shirt, do you think he's just got a blazer on? Oh, that would be good. I bet he's got a shirt. I bet he's got a stripy shirt. Oh, yeah. Oh, a breton. A breton. No, not a breton.

I mean, like, a dress shirt, but with stripes on it. Oh, I understand. Like what members of the Conservative Party wear. Well, I love the sound of him. 437, what colour cape is Frank wearing today? Does he accessorise? You know, I have to say, I haven't actually bitten the bullet with the cape yet.

No? I mean, I was all talk. I was all mouth and no cape. Do you know what would be good? To get, like, a sport cape for the England team instead of a tracksuit top. They could come on and do their little warm-up. They don't call them tracksuit tops anymore.

They call them anthem jackets. They don't. I'm afraid they do. Has the world gone mad? Even if you wear them in the street, you have to call them anthem. Has the world gone mad? That's the other texting today.

That one was sponsored by Richard Littlejohn. Has the entire garment been renamed as a result? So if you wear it in the street or to the gym, it's still an Anthem jacket. Still an Anthem jacket, yeah. You still have to stand up with the merest inkling of God Save the Queen. Oh, no, I don't like the idea of that. Don't like the idea of an Anthem jacket? No, that's really, that's turned my stomach.

Hopefully one of our listeners will text you and say, I'm actually wearing an anthem jacket this morning and nothing else. What about that for a Jubilee celebration? You know what I'm talking about? I went out this week. It's the first time I've been allowed out socially since my baby was born. And I celebrated that most heterosexual of all acts, fatherhood, by seeing Liza Minnelli live. Oh, lovely.

You love a diva. Yes, covering both bases. She was live at Hampton Court Palace. Oh. Beautiful setting, obviously. You don't have to sell Hampton Court to me. No, well, I was a little bit sulky about the Reformation at the beginning of the evening,

but, you know, I just thought, no, come on. Move on. Put that behind you, and it was fabulous. We arrived, I went with a friend because, because Kath, well, first of all, she's obviously busy with a baby but also she hates liza manelli it's a very strong response it is she actually got seasick she claimed last time we saw her life because she said it was so like a cruise ship which i thought was um cutting in

the extreme i love liza manelli um so i I took a friend who also loves Emma, and we were given Jamie Oliver hampers. Oh, lovely friend. Can you imagine it? Obviously mainly full of confiscated turkey Twizzlers. Yes. Do they still confiscate, actually? Does that still happen at schools?

Well, at schools. Do things get confiscated? I believe so, yeah. No, because kids turn around and say, I know my rights now. Yeah, I think they probably do. So you're not allowed. Oh, rights.

I remember when rights used to be used to spring political prisoners from Central American detainee centres. And now it's like if a burglar gets shouted at a bit loud by the householder how did that happen anyway um i don't know we got to there from liza manella it's a funny old show isn't it in many ways not every way i'll accept that i'll tell you something is that um one thing that um people end up now asking me about my child and commenting on his name, regular listeners to the show will know that he's actually called Buzz,

which is... Thanks, Daisy, for letting me down again on a timing-wise. But, so some people respond to it in quite a negative way, but I met Sir David Frost. I mean, I've met him before, obviously. Well, we once had dinner at Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's house. But anyway, I met Sir David Frost and we chatted and he said, oh, you've got a child now?

And I said, yeah. And I think what he said, he said you've got a child now and I said yeah and I think what he said he said you're a bit of a late start I said I'm a bit of a late starter, he said no you're not a late starter, how old are you? I said 55, he said oh no you are you are a late starter ok that's actually not, that's flattering though isn't it

but I said what did I look young, he meant to Sir David Frost. We all do. He's quite ancient. Yeah. Brilliant, though. It's very exciting meeting him.

Yeah. But anyway, he got even more excited. Because I said he's called Boz, named after Boz Aldrin, the astronaut. He said, oh, he said, I presented that moon landing for ITV. Best response ever to the name. and he still remembered the ratings figures of course he did yeah he said it was one of the few occasions when itv and bbc have shown the same event and itv won on ratings he said we got three times more really he said and i'll tell you why and then he gave me a little bit of a tv background information that's someone that's

worked in telly a while but there's the numbers on everything yeah but who presented the moon landing absolutely fantastic did you watch it with a whippet is that right yeah i watched it with a whippet yeah he watched it with a peter cook i think was in the studio they had a sort of a moon panel no doubt smoking everyone would have been been smoking. They made comical remarks about the moon landing. How fantastic. So that's the best thing anyone's said to me this week.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. It's 7.34. Oh, it's a very shipping forecast. I love that. That wasn't the time. That's the score in a game of video ping-pong I'm playing at the moment.

I mean, we should have stopped at 21, but to hell with it. It's my attitude. If you want to text us about anything, do it. We'll be on 8-12-15. And they are. We've got several strands, really. Hold it. You can follow us on Twitter. Get over that if you can. You can follow us on Twitter, at Frank on Absolute.

That's called... Blimey, what am I? An announcer? Some kind of media figure. All these different ways of getting in touch. German Fisher Dogger Bank. It's like that. Might as well be doing that. Just saying words on bits of paper. I'm an artist. I can't work like this.

So, yeah, so, she was sitting in front of us, Vanessa. I didn't recognise her, actually, but... Vanessa Feltz. Vanessa Feltz. Vanessa Feltz, yeah. Liza Minnelli. Yes, thanks for... A recap. That's a lovely professional recap.

You're assuming everyone joins on the hour. In a very formal fashion. Get the blazer on and the chinos. It's ten to, but let's wait until the actual hour before we go in. Sitting in their little Chesterfield. I'll be bound. I like the idea they come in on the news. Yeah.

So that Sandy War is a ramp to me, just to get them used to the human voice. Yeah, that'd be good. She's got the best voice on radio, I think. She has. It's creamy, isn't it? It's like Bailey's. It is like Baileys.

Meanwhile, over in Hampton Court with Vanessa Belk and Liza Nelly. There's a woman sitting in front of us who just was on her phone. You know, I've talked about this before. Light pollution during a gig. People think if they're on silent it's okay to tweet, text, look at their emails,

go smartphone, check the reading for next week's mass. Actually, it's probably only me that does that. Yeah, I think that's only you. And this woman, it was a constant pool of light just in the corner of my eye, you know, really annoying. And I said, God, where's that woman come? She's just on the phone.

I said, that's Vanessa. Was it? And so I had to look at her Twitter. You did? Yeah. Now that was a quote from Mr Motivator. It wasn't him actually. I said to him once, so you went out with Vanessa

and he said, no, no, that was a different black person. I know, it's one of the worst things you've ever done. It might be the worst thing you ever did. But what I liked, he just hit me straight with it. He didn't dilly-dally and I took it, you know, I took it like being hit by a cannonball. You, of course, meant Dennis Duhaney. I'm so proud I know that name.

I meant Dennis Duhaney. But anyway, so she... But I couldn't really complain because I'd already been shushed by a man of theatrical tendencies. Let's put it that way. Would you get it? He may have been.

Because when Liza did Ladies... You know that he's a tramp and I love him? You know that song from Ladies a Tramp? She did a brilliant version. He's a tramp but I love... I couldn't resist two verses in going...

You didn't. I just couldn't. I didn't even know I was doing it. You didn't tell me you didn't do that. By the time she'd got to the... He's a tramp, and I was going... Oh, man. I just couldn't...

It's impossible to hear someone... Please tell me you're joking i'm not joking oh my god it's impossible to hear someone singing that song without going it was possible for everybody else there though wasn't it it's possible for any human being to not bark like a dog throughout that song but that song is what is so profoundly associated with canine backing vocals. I don't know anybody. You'd have thought the whole crowd would have gone

at least... He's a tramp and I love him. Oh. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, um, Liza Minnelli did a song called The World Goes Round. Do you know that song?

The world goes round. No. I think so. She mentions winter, spring, summer and fall. Oh, right. It's the first time it's struck me, that thing. I mean, I know it it's we all know it the Americans call autumn fall

it's such it's such a sign of simplicity isn't it of the nation fall because stuff falls at that time like you're going to call summer bright you're just angry on Marky Smith's behalf that's the only reason you've got any issues

you can call spring. It's rubbish. Brr. Winter. Fall. I love season anger. That's good. There isn't enough of that.

We've had some confiscation news, haven't we? I was asking in the previous hour, this is based on the theory that the Cockrell has, that no-one tunes in across the hours. It's not my theory. It's a sort of a... We bring them in. Bring them in to things.

Yeah, OK. Does confiscation still happen in Scotland? Also, is the word used anywhere else? I've never heard of anyone having anything confiscated. Yeah. Maybe it's a football match. Drew Barton says, Frank, you were asking if we still... Joey Barton?

No, not Joey Barton. Drew Barton. Oh, OK. Says, Frank, you were asking if we still confiscate things. Now, from that we, I'm assuming he's part of the teaching fraternity. Yeah, sounds like it. My school does. Mr Barton.

Yes. My school does, and the two top items confiscated on a daily basis are mobile phones and energy drinks. That's Drew in Edinburgh. Times change. The producer gasped. Yeah. Energy drinks is a big one. That's because they're all pornites, I suppose. Why are they all pornites? Well, you know what

they're like now. Walking the streets. In their hoods. Parents at home on drugs. Eh? Yeah. Devil dog in the corner. Devil dog? What's happened? What's happened?

Not you. You've got to whip it. Under no circumstances is that a devil dog. There, that's not a devil dog. Particularly not in your house. Anyway, speaking of broken Britain, what about David Cameron

and his child neglect? I know. Well, you say neglect. What do you say? Well, I say welcome to my childhood. Okay. The child was left in a pub. Yeah. The child was left in a pub.

Nancy, isn't it? Nancy Delorio. No, Nancy Cameron, who is the eight-year-old daughter of that. I was going to say, I'm sure she's been left in a pub quite a few times on her own. Yeah. When the bloke said, I'm just she's been left in a pub quite a few times on her own. Yeah, when the bloke said, I'm just sniffing to the toilet,

he's gone out the back door and left Nancy sitting there. I was like, where is it? It's been a very long time. There must be something come up unexpectedly. That was moving towards that transsexual, that one big brother. It was Nadia meets Count Dock Docular, and I rather liked it. Well, it's a great combo, always. So he left his eight-year-old child, Nancy, in the...

In a pub. In the boozer, yeah. So first of all, she was in a pub, which we might question, but then they forgot her when they left. Well, they were there with other friends, weren't they? Oh, that's all right, then. And their security teams. And I think the story from Cameron's lot was that he got in the car with the security people.

His politics are coming out now, Frank. No, no. His politics are all coming out. The security people took Cameron home and Samantha took the other children home and she thought he had the girl and he thought she had the girl. Yeah, well, that's not what I heard. Let's put it that way. No.

I personally think that it's a weird thing, isn't it? Because everyone's saying, oh, Cameron lost the girl. I see it as that the girl escaped for 15 minutes. She got away from it. Maybe she wants to leave. Perhaps she thinks his politics are insincere. I heard there'd been a big row. Yeah. Apparently, Nancy looked up from her trifle and said,

I feel that there should be a period of growth to re-establish the economy before we start cutting public services. And also, I was never happy with those people from News International coming round horse riding. And then she stormed off to the toilet and Cameron left in a huff. And Sam Cam was saying, no, leave her.

No, leave her. Leave her if she wants to be like that. No, leave her. And it took about five miles for Sam Cam to talk him out of it. And they went back. That's what I heard. I don't know. You know, gossip is cheap, isn't it?

Fun. And also fun. What else is gossip? another texting adjectives to describe gossip absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio

Frank just because Gary Barlow has got somewhere no need to rubbish him not my words but the words of 8-7. Well, I wouldn't say I was rubbish. Actually, I was rubbish. Has he got somewhere? To the palace.

Buckingham Palace. Yeah, but you know, is that where spiritual fulfilment lies? No, and also, it's only down the road, isn't it? We could walk there after the show if we wanted. Yeah. When you say he's got somewhere, he's got near enough to say that's where he is. Well, you wouldn't get in. No, I'm sure you're not.

We're not the Boy Jones. Famous royal intruder. We might discuss later in the show. We might, yeah. I think there's a buzzer. We could just pretend that we are. Like, hello, it's the Boy Jones. Mate, it's a Gary's.

You know Gary. I'm opening the gate now. No, I, you know, fine, Gary. I don't begrudge him's, you know, Gary. I'm opening the gate now. No, I, you know, fine, Gary. I don't begrudge him anything, you know. On the other subject of somebody saying that they live next door to Ivor Baddiel. Oh, yes. We've had a text in,

I live next door to the 1966 goalie who played for West Ham and he's a top fella. Nice, isn't it? 1966 goalie who played for West Ham and he's a top fella. Nice, isn't it? 1966 goalie who played for West Ham. Is that Gordon Banks? No, he didn't play for West Ham, did he? Oh, didn't he? Who is it, then?

Well, it's an unfortunate year to just be playing league football. Why? I'm just saying, because I assume if it's 1966, he would have been the England-winning side. No, but still a great honour. There's a bloke called... There's no Ivor Badil. Football trivia, we're on the wrong show.

Let's face it. Frank, I'm not done. Read the pub and the Cameron child. OK. The thing I found most alarming was one of the papers said she was found helping staff in the pub. I bet he found that alarming. Oh my God.

They've turned you back for ten minutes. They've crossed the class barrier. We'll never get it. We'll never tease her into a food fight at university now. She'll be serving it. She won't be wearing a claret blazer. Claretchino, I'm sorry.

Little Nancy has broken the mould. Brilliant. But that happened to me quite often i'd get mislaid i mean there was no sort of malice behind it no happened to me in harrods once in harrods yes okay yes how long were you uh left well quite some time i think i'd gone on a bit of a toy rampage i was running around the toy department yeah so there was an element of free will involved yeah um but yeah i seem to it was it was quite a while i don't know where my mum was there an announcement there was an announcement yeah it used to be quite common in the shops announcements a small child is uh is here but i don't hear it now you get it in shopping centers i think they do code so as not to alarm people. What, like Mr Sand?

Yeah. You know, in theatres, if there's a fire, they say, he's Mr Sand in the building. Mm-hm. Somebody said that Mr Smoke was one of them. I said, you need one that's a bit more difficult to work out than Mr Smoke is in the building. Oh, good. They have one in London Underground. Mr Inferno. If there's been a fouling of some sort.

A fouling? Yes. What's that? It's something like, would Mr Orange please come to the... Yeah, they have all sorts of code words. I think when I worked in a nightclub, if there was a fight on the dance floor, they'd say something like, could Mr Black go to the dance floor or something like that. All the bouncers would start running.

Trouble on the dance floor? They couldn start running. Trouble on the dance floor. They couldn't say there's trouble on the dance floor, could they? Oh, that's a pity. Everyone would start discoing. That is a pity. I remember, I don't think I was ever left by my parents. No? Partly because they were very caring and attentive,

but mainly because we never went anywhere. I don't think we, I don't remember leaving my garden for about eight years but I got lost coming back from my Auntie Ethel's I went to my Auntie Ethel's with my mum and I got a bit bored and she said, oh go back then it was only like probably half a mile up the road

and I got completely lost because I get lost all the time as you know and even then as a child I got I got completely lost. Because I get lost all the time, as you know, and then as a child, I got utterly and completely lost and got back about two hours later, by which my mum had returned home. I don't remember there being a massive kerfuffle. I seem to remember it. Where have you been? I got lost.

Oh. I remember it being like that. And had you been terrified? Because it's really scary as a kid to be lost, isn't it? I loved it. Did you? I felt very free and independent. I didn't mind it.

I think it was then that I developed the little boy lost look, which has stood me in good stead for my whole adult life. So, every cloud... Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email in. An email? No, hold on. I've got a new jingle for emails.

Just stick around. Email corner. This is one I impromptu did last week and Daisy, our producer, captured it like one might a feral creature. Email corner. captured it like one might a feral creature. Email corner! Whether it was

worth the effort, of course we can debate till the cows come home. I like that you edited out me saying, oh gosh, afterwards. I think that was a good idea. This is from Libby Lumley. Libby Lumley, I'm already liking. Well, she's something of a troubadour, she says i've

downloaded your podcasts while living and working in the bahamas hong kong michigan china and for the last 18 months on a little island in st vincent and the grenadines brilliant well she'd been stockpiling all the podcasts to keep her amused on her journey back for six weeks i sailed back to the uk on a 60 foot schooner and spent many hours listening to your amusing chats whilst being violently ill in the middle of the atlantic ocean during a gale oh dear i must mean i've been made violently ill by a large schooner on many occasions when i used to have sherry for breakfast carry on there were quite a few times when i thought i might not make it back to land alive. Oh, blimey.

And one of the many thoughts on why this would be a shame would be that I'd never find out the news on the birth of Frank's child. What? So when we finally hit land, the Azores... Yes? I downloaded the missing podcast and heard the wonderful news of the safe arrival of Buzz. Congratulations, Frank and Kath. Oh, absolutely lovely.

That's from Libby. Libby Lomley. Libby Lomley from Oxford. I like Libby Lomley. It sounds like I can't actually say what it sounds like Libby. But it gives me hiccups. Absolute

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What else? Goonies T-shirt, Mick and Somerset. We did accidentally ask what listeners were wearing today in a non-CD way. Yes. Goonies T-shirt is excellent. Well, not for me it's not.

I walked out of that film when I was 14. Did you? It was my first walk out. I walked. I said, this is excellent. Well, not for me it's not. I walked out of that film when I was 14. Did you? It was my first walk out. I walked. I said, this is terrible. Even though I was a child I knew it was awful. I liked it. Oh, that's okay. I still do. Each to their own. And he also is conforming very much to what we would guess of the absolute

listener. What, Goonies fans? Goonies t-shirt. Yeah. His converse. Well, he hasn't mentioned any other items. I'm imagining him still in a Goonies, just a Goonies t-shirt. Just still in bed, maybe. Maybe he's got up. I think that's his version of the pyjama top. He's got up and thought,

to hell with the kitchen chair. And he's just sitting having his breakfast in just a Goonies t-shirt. My little tip for you is J-cloth and a bit of Dettol afterwards No arm Don No arm Don So where were we?

What was we talking about? What about another dip into email corner? We could have a dip into email corner Let's find me Email corner, here we go Email corner Is that recorded in 1973 on a boat? Email Corner, here we go. Email Corner! Was that recorded in 1973 on a boat?

I thought you'd done it with a different tune, like Email Corner. Yeah, well, Daisy probably picked the wrong one. She's having a mare, let's face it. Having a mare! We've had an email titled, An IEM Idiotic Eureka Moment, which is those moments where you realise that something is... Do you think when people enquire after the whereabouts of a racehorse, people actually ever say who's having a mare at the moment?

Sorry, carry on. Hello, Frank, the lovely Emily and Alan, brackets, look, I spelt it right. I hope you are duly impressed. Alan with a U. Alan with a U. You should write a version of that like Liza with a Z. Yeah. Which is a Liza Maneli song.

Oh yeah. It's Alan with a U, not Alan with an A, because Alan with a U spells Alan. That would be quite camp if he did that every time he said his name. It's a performance rap. It'd be quite camp. It'd be another mighty leap from a childhood of martial arts.

This is the idiotic eureka moment that this person has had. Gareth. I should explain to new listeners that an idiotic eureka moment is something that you realise much later than everyone else, like getting a joke. Last week, par exemple, someone said that they'd read their whole lifetime and heard about the animals going

in two by two on the ark and never thought that there would be a male and a female and they were two by two for... I must have spoken to three people that agreed with that. Me too, and I was in that man diagram. A lot of people are like that. Did they assume it was like a news agent where you only allow two school

children in at the same time? No, I thought they were maybe going out, but I... Oh, you didn't realise they were actually having the physicals. Strictly platonic until they're on the boat. Yeah. Don't have rules. It would have been hard, though, in that period of history to be strictly platonic, wouldn't it?

Why? Wouldn't he have been pre-Plato? Oh, I see. Oh, Frank, you're so smart. I love it. He'd have to be pre-Platonic. I have only just realised that things like Bet365 and Football365 are related to there being 365 days in a year. I was previously incredibly confused

why websites always put the same random number in their name. I feel both relieved and ashamed by this. That's Gareth, who presumably is also confused by the number of shops called 24-7. Well, 7-11, did that used to open at 7 and close at 11? Is that how that worked? No, because I was often waiting outside there at about half seven when I had a late one and it sometimes wasn't open.

Oh, well, I see. Well, that's Gareth who sent that in. Yes. Gareth. Do you think Gareth listens to Absolute 80s and thinks, God, some of this is, what, 30 years old? Er, Frank? What?

Don't say it like that. Sorry. Tartan PJs and three Weimaraners hanging off them waiting for their walk. Three Weimaraners? How do you say three vimaranas i can never pronounce it i think it said three vimaranas yeah i think it said three wide mariners i can never pronounce that what's a y mariner i thought it was a vimarana vimarana what is it it's those dogs that have got um i thought they're very silky. Are they? Silky of pelt. Are they like whippets, Frank? No, no, they're more statuesque. Very beautiful blue eye.

Do you sometimes see mock-up photographs of them in jackets and toys? There's an artist that does Weimaraner photo. They're very beautiful animals. Weimaraner. It's a word I've never encountered. Whoa, Weimaran, Vimerana, pretty little thing. Vimerana dance,

Vimerana sing. If Vimerana sing is listening, why doesn't she contact us? We'd love to hear from her. Is that what someone's wearing? Yes. The dogs hanging off their pajamas. The tartan PJs.

So the dogs are print, or are they the real dogs? No, they're the real dogs. They want to go for a walk you weren't even listening were you i was confused by the word i pronounced it wrong you hadn't heard of it thanks here thank god it was emily's uh descartes he'd never even heard of it at least i had a stab at it yeah but it was what did you call it why by marana i call no you didn't you call it by mariners i remember it sounded like mariner as in he who lives on the sea no i didn't you definitely well we'll can we get that can we replay it dainty's never looked more horrified in her life at the idea that we can just replay a section of the show. Well, yes.

So, vie Marinus. Oh, don't tease me! Am I ever going to be able to forget this? Is it Elizabeth I saying that? Vie Marinus. She wouldn't have had that kind of accent. Maybe Elizabeth II. Frank, have we got time for another email? No!

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner, and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're on Absolute Radio. We're talking, playing music and adverts. I mispronounced the dog breed earlier. You did?

Yeah. I said... Corgis. Jack Roussel is what I said, actually. Jack Roussel. They should be called that. That'll teach them to be little and snappy. Let's give them a camp name.

Or is that your Jack Roussel? Frank. Can I give you Jacques Roussel? Frank? Can I give you an idiotic eureka moment? You can, darling. Which is when you get completely fooled by something. There's a picture of Kate Winslet in today's song because she's on the New Year's honours list. It's very late printing.

On the birthday honours list. Yes. And there's a picture of her. You know that dress you wear, it's like an optical illusion. The Stella McCartney dress, lovely. And it has like black bits around the side that makes her waist and hips look smaller. Did you not know that was black bits?

I'd seen that dress 20 times, and I looked at the picture this morning, and I thought, gosh, you're looking svelte. Right, I'm buying that dress. Looking a bit svelte, you're an Erickson, I thought. And I completely fell for a dress, an optical illusion I've already seen before. It's hardly Albrecht Durer. Do you know the correct pronunciation?

I was going to buy that dress. I tried one on last week and I'm now going to now you've said that. Thank you. Well, it completely fooled me. Me too. I tried it on and didn't get it. But now I will. Grayson Perry over there. Well, it completely fooled me. Me too. I tried it on and didn't get it. But now I will. What I would suggest.

Grayson Perry over there. Instead of having that black around the edges, get, say, brickwork. Something like that. So you can really good camouflage. That would be really good, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Little tip there. Or red as well, because you're always photographed against the red carpet in her line of work. Yeah, but you'd have to lie on it, wouldn't you? Well, some do. What you need is a bit... Do you remember the Arsenal mural?

Which was just like people, faces. Oh, right. Yeah, you need something like that. You need a crowd scene round the side. Oh, like that fairground art. If you don't know what we're talking about, you're probably already gone, so let's not even worry completing that sentence,

as I think Ronnie Biggs once said. OK, what else? We've had an email in, in a continuation of Email Corner. We've had an email correspondence with an email, email-o. The medieval town crier's back. Dear Frank Allen and Emily, I was on the bus to town this week with some friends and we started discussing who we'd pick as our celebrity mum and dad.

After much thought and deliberation, I decided on Delia and Frank. Delia Smith, I presume. Yeah. For the obvious reasons of the cooking. And she seems like she'd always be able to pick you up from a party. And Frank, because... She always seemed like she should be driving as far as I up from a party and frank because always seem like she should be driving as far as i've seen some of the clips when she started early we've all seen that

oh yeah that's true and frank because i could be taught to play the banjo and the ukulele okay and i can imagine there being a healthy balance of discipline and genuine happy-chappiness. Yeah, that sums up most of my relationships. This has got me wondering... So, I'd have to marry Delia, though, to do this. Yes. Yes. You see, Let's Be Avenue is not so funny when it's coming from someone on silk sheets in a negligee.

I'd find that intimidating in the extreme. Be a good Catholic upbringing, though. She goes to Mass every day. Takes communion every day. Is that true? Delia Smith, yeah. Oh, she loves the communion. Yeah, she does.

French toast, I think she actually goes for. This is, she's called Amina. She says, this got me wondering. Amina or Amina? No, Amina. OK. Don't diss my pronunciation again. This got me wondering,

who would the team pick as their celebrity mum and dad? Well, certainly, in my drinking days, I think I'd have gone for the Camerons. LAUGHTER Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I would say on that celeb parents email, I like the fact that the lady picked Frank

based on the idea that there would be discipline and cheeky chappiness it's almost like she's a parent already and she knows well they do need some discipline well they need some discipline and they need some cheeky chappiness love and boundaries that's all it is tune in next week to parent hour on absolute radio

love and boundaries that's it in a nutshell I also like... Tune in next week to Parent Hour on Absolute Radio. Love and Boundaries. I like it. That's it in a nutshell. I believe that's the title of Andrew Strauss's autobiography. I like that she had a little caveat at the end of the email and she said, it doesn't matter if they've passed,

which I thought was useful. What? Well, she means the celebrity parents. Oh, you can have dead celebrity parents. Yeah, it doesn't matter if they've passed. Oh, OK, fair enough. Is what she says. I might have the celebrity parents. Oh, you can have dead celebrity parents. Yeah, it doesn't matter if they've passed. Oh, OK, fair enough. Is what she says. I might have the Brownings.

Do you want to know who? The Brownings? Robert and Elizabeth. Lovely. I think I'd go for... As acknowledgement of, you know, how times have changed, I think my celebrity parents would be the Communards. Yeah?

Yeah. Oh, what sort of civil partnership? Yeah, because Richard Coles is a priest now, isn't he? Yes. So, yes, you get your spiritual. And Jimmy Somerville. It'd be nice to have a parent who always spoke highly of you. He only wears a... Oh, that's not him.

Yeah, but yeah, I'd quite... Was that Yaz? That was Yaz, yeah. Yes. Yeah, I'd quite go for being the child of a civil partnership. You know, so would I, Frank. I'd like Henry VIII as a father. Hear me out.

I know you think he might be quite a disciplinarian. Yeah, the dinners would be good. Well, also, I think I'd be very good running around corridors in a corset. I think I would have been good at court. Yeah, but Henry VIII's your father, you're liable to lose an eye from a flying chicken egg. No, I would have manipulated him. Okay.

And I would have liked, if this was possible, I know they weren't around at the same time. No. But I think him and Got Kwan, quite a good civil partnership. God, didn't Henry the Alien hate the Pope enough without marrying Got Kwan? We could talk our way out of being murdered. We'd be quite a team.

Yeah. I think it would be great. I'd have to say something like ninth time lucky or tenth time lucky or something. No, well that would... I don't think anyone's going to come up with anything much more unusual than the acting

Doc Juan. Surely if you're having a civil partnership there's your celeb parents Ant and Dec. They're cheeky chappies. Yeah, that's true actually. And then they get on. I shouldn't think they'd be much falling out at home. You'd get to meet a lot of the people that are, like, vogue, wouldn't you? You'd have to wear quite big

trainers. Yes. And you'd have to wear those black and grey type jackets buttoned up that they wear, like big jeans. And I don't know if I'd like that. I tell you who'd be good. Jaws and Esther Ransom. You know, Jaws the baddie from Bond.

I think he meant the shark. I thought that's not allowed. He's got braces. And Esther Ransom. You'd have perfect teeth between the two of them, wouldn't you? Well, his were metal, weren't they? I thought they were braces. I thought they were those braces.

No, I thought they were actually metal. Oh, right. I take it back. I think Claire Balding would be a nice mother as well. Yeah? Yeah, again. You'd have gone through the civil partnership ceiling. I mean, you know, we're allowed a heterosexual option, are we?

Paul Daniels and Fiona Bruce. Because she's nice and knows about antiques and stuff, and when he does tricks, that'd be quite good if you were a kid. But also, she's got that arched eyebrow thing, so she'd look surprised whenever he did his magic tricks.

You've really gone off on this. I think that's a good idea, don't you? Have you got a long list of other people? I've just thought about it. Fiona Bruce and Paul Daniels. I think you might have just edged Henry VIII and Gaucoin in the weirdness front.

God, I thought Communard was starting to sound a bit middle of the road. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Real sheep, real cows, real horses, real grass, real ploughing, two battling mosh pits. Is this the opening to We Buy Any Cars? What am I talking about? No, it was last night at mine. Is this the opening to We Buy Any Car? What am I talking about? No, it was last night at mine.

The Olympic Games opening ceremony. Ah, yes, real sheep and cows. It's exciting, that, isn't it? It's a terrible idea. Not least for the Daily Mail comments for people going, oh, they're going to mistreat the animals. See, us circus fans have been denied the delights of live

animals for many a long year now. And now, suddenly, Olympics, all bets are off. And they're fabulously unpredictable, which is what we like. Danny Boyle said that the animals would be treated better than the volunteers, which in itself is British, isn't it? To think that you treat animals better than humans. Particularly after Jubilee Gate. But the mosh pits.

Mosh pits? It doesn't quite fit because it's green and pleasant land with mosh pits. I imagine that, say for example, the cattle and sheep are going to be crowd surfed across, obviously against their will, slightly distressed, kicking out. Yes. But wouldn't that be a brilliant thing

to see them being crowd surfed across a big mosh pit oh yeah they might not i'd like to see some horses jumping in the pool that'd be dramatic yeah but i thought it could end in like a in a spit roast over the olympic flame yeah with the cattle's being slaughtered by something very british like say say a david beckham look alikeike. And then on a rotisserie. Will they be on Leeds, or will it be all go-a-bit dogs in Birmingham? Will they just be wandering around free? Until they're actually

secured on a spit, they'll be roaming free. Big screen, the roast beef of old England as the smoke goes off. Brilliant. I like the British theme, although it is the London Brilliant. I like the British theme, although it is the London Olympics, not actually the British

Olympics. Well, this is true. It should have been Pearly Queens and the English Olympics. It should have been. It's a small world. Just London, really. It should have been. It's a small world version. And they should have had a little St. Paul's and a mini shard. And the world's smallest men could have been running around.

Well, I'd have been, yeah, but it's, he wouldn't have been my first choice, I think, Danny Boyle, is he? Does he do many ceremonies? I don't know how many ceremonies he's done. You know who they should have got in, guys? Barlow? Yes. It should have been Gary Barlow. I'm sorry, but even you're

going to have to accept. The guy knows his onions when it comes to party organising. I was thinking Stilgo, possibly. With Jenny Agata in a Sebastian Coe role. Now that he's back. You know, I was hoping they weren't going to have one at all. You know, there was a theory that because these are hard times, that rather than follow the Chinese one, which is unfollowable,

that it would be like boris on a bike holding a small union jack and really sort of be an anti-opening ceremony and that would have been brilliant but david beckham will be involved he hasn't been mentioned but he's involved in everything now isn't he of that nature you know i could do the most british one and just have a like a really small cheap, like Boris riding around on a bike and then just have us all do like a group tut. That'd be great. Combined with a Mexican wife of some kind.

A queue. I'm nervous about, is it going to be that sort of green fabric they have in the green grocers, the itchy one, the AstroTurf? Is that what it's going to be? Apparently it's going to be that 2D spiky green stuff that comes with sushi.

And the cattle are going to have to walk in between lines of that. But it's... I don't know. Why bother? Why not just have a small eight-year-old child sitting in a pub tile at set as a symbol of broken Britain? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've heard from the outside world. Brilliant. This news just in from Martin.

Well, I say just in. He actually emailed midweek. OK. But don't be petty. Hi, Frank, the lovely Emily and the cockerel. I've been terribly bored at work today and through reading a very random chain of Wikipedia articles,

I came across an entry about the boy Jones, a man from Victorian times who had an obsession with breaking into Buckingham Palace. He seems like a very interesting, albeit very strange chap and I thought it might interest you vis-a-vis peter the wild etc yeah um so i we've been talking about this and we looked up the boy my first thing i like about him is he died from a drunken fall in 1893 so already he's my kind of

guy yeah he had you at drunken and the fact fact that he was called the Boy Jones reminds me of that period when they used to say, that man Shearer, every time he scored a goal in his early days. But yeah, he was incredible. He got in, he stole some of Queen Victoria's bloomers and stuff. He was one of the first celebrity stalkers. He was, yeah, respect.

He was found with Queen Victoria's underwear stuffed down his trousers. So was Queen Victoria. Yeah, exactly. If you think about it. One rule for... Yeah, exactly. He ended up in prison, but he then, you know, he went to Australia. I say he went to Australia like, oh, I'll go out with my wife and kids.

I think he might have been sent there. And he was a seller of pies. Not a pie seller. How did we live before Wikipedia? The more I hear about this guy, the more I like him. He also did... Not a pie seller, a seller of pies. He did a musical act based on being a royal stalker.

Did he? Yeah. It's like, you know, nowadays people can become celebrities through dark deeds. Through crime, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he used to do an act.

I love that. That's what the Victorians did. They would put real people on stage, recreating their... Like Sitting Bull used to be in Buffalo Bill's Wild West show. Chief Sitting Bull used to just ride... He refused to take part in any of the ceremonies.

He wasn't even in the little big horn recreation. I mean, surely that's where you get Sitting Bull. Anyway, he used to go round on a horse, just in one circuit, and then that'd be it for Sitting Bull for that night. That was like Mickey Rooney in that panto we saw. That's essentially all he did, he just stood up. But he just was there so people can say, I saw Chief Sitting Bull. Brilliant.

But what a brag that would be to have seen him live. I mean, in his golden years, before he started doing stuff about having kids. Frank, I've had one of my injuries. You know how you sometimes have one of your falls yes um i've had a bit of an incident with my back recently oh dear it's big of you to admit that i know nothing bad happened but i don't know what i literally i mean it was like being an old woman because i i bent down god i can't believe she said that i was actually doing the gardening me and alan don't know where to look i wasn't even at a premiere with a footballer i was bending

down doing the gardening yes you've seen my concrete patch i have seen it um and it's as neat as they get so what oh dear so and i heard a little click, and I didn't like the sound of it. No. Were you hoping it was paparazzi? No, there wasn't. I realised this because Emily dropped a magazine last week and said to Daisy, could you pick that up for me? And Daisy gave her the most across-the-class divide look I've ever seen. Why can't you pick it up? And I think she thought Emily was being a bit grand, but poor old Em just couldn't get down there.

Simple as that. I was. It was a bit of an Ina Sharples moment, Frank, for me. Oh, yeah. My first. But it was... You know what was good? I did actually...

I found a new... I developed a new skill, which was because I couldn't bend over to pick up underwear, for example. Oh? I used my toes to pick up my smalls. And a sort of arcade claw mechanism. Oh, you actually...

Because I'll tell you what I've been doing for years, if I may reveal this one. Please do. When I take my underpants off in the evening, I just let them drop. And then I take them on, I slightly hook the right foot and I spin them into the air, catch them and put them straight into the... Yeah.

Do you do that? Oh, yeah. I used to dream as a young man that I might reach a level of dexterousness where I could do it the other way around and actually put them on in the morning with the aid of throwing them into the air and doing a quick handstand. Oh, that would be good. Oh, man, if they just dropped on you like that,

like something out of... You know, when Thunderbird 3 is heading for the... You know, like a version of when hat jugglers put the hat on their foot and spin it round and then flick it up to their head. It'd be like that. Brilliant. Or just throw the pants into the air

and run and leap at them feet fast. Oh, that's good. Cartwheel into them. Yeah. That would be magic. But I did find that I really, I might do it now. I do it with my handbag, pick it up with my big toe sometimes now, just because I can.

Because I'm tall, I see this as being welcome to my world. It takes me about 15 minutes to bend down to pick something up. So this is just it. That's what you do. Pick it up. Get the old claws on. But it is, it does make me feel ancient having a back injury. It made me realise, though, I'm saying,

I can't watch telly without a puff. No, well, that's what happens to women of your age. You can sell a black. It's that or a cat in it. Oh, dear. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we were talking about feeling old.

With all your aching back. All me aching back. All me back. Yeah. Which I've been saying. It's a bit like I hate that duck. It's got that same sound of resonance to it. All me back.

I've started signing off emails. Best, Emily. Have you? That's quite an old ladies thing, isn't it? Best. Best wishes is bad. Oh, best wishes. I had a bit of an old person thing.

I was in A&E. Oh, Alan was in that. He played Jason the Asthmatic. I did, indeed. And the nurse said to me, you look a bit, I think you're a bit shocked. I'll make you a hot, sweet tea. Now, I haven't had sugar in tea for 25 years.

I gave up. And on occasions, I accidentally had somebody give me one and accidentally put sugar in it. It's horrible. Really? But I thought, you know,

maybe I've been hasty when I tasted it. I thought maybe I'll go back. Now that's an old thing, isn't it? Sugar in tea. Yeah, it's lovely though,

isn't it? Oh! And also going, oh! About things you like is quite an old thing for me it's um it's the grooming i've started to buy things from uh the large pharmacy in the high street to do what my body used to do i caught myself the other day buying eye drops to make my eyes sparkle i was very tired to make your eyes you can get eye drops that make your eyes sparkle you can get eye drops

make your eyes sparkle yes I'm aware of them but it's people like Simon Cowell that buy them and also incredibly tired individuals like I was that day and I just thought yeah I'm going to have a go at that he's such a dark horse and this occasion

he's more of a my little pony I think I probably had some kind of professional engagement where I thought, I'll fake not being exhausted. And then I thought, my body used to just do this for me, didn't it? What, make your eyes sparkle? I just used to look all right. Oh, sparkle eyes over there. It's like moisturising, isn't it?

Like, I used to be moist. Now I'm faking that as well. You're dry now. Now I'm dry. Are you buying moisturiser? Oh, I've been buying moisturiser for years. But, you know, we all have, haven't we? But it used to be natural.

I haven't. No? No, I have, actually. That's a lie. You're very moist. I've had to. I know, I've dried out. I'm like an old log.

I have little more to add to the day, except thank you for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week, hopefully by which time England will have gone even further in the European Championships. We love you all.