The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Love Bites

Episode Date: April 27, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here.This week Frank discusses his latest stand up gigs with the team. They also talk about the JLS split, Suarez-gate and Emily's eventful holiday. Plus Alun asks for Sunglasses advice.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. Those two characters. And relax. So, um... I was telling you earlier that we'd had some lovely tweets, actually, from people who'd been to see your gig this week, but you don't like to hear praise.

No, I don't, but I thank them. But it's positive. I thank them remotely. Well, if you're anti-praise, you may be interested in this text. Hold on, is this an attack? No, not at all. I think it's more like a texted concern from Dandyman. Is Mr Radio feeling OK?

His intro sounded like he was in a bad mood. Hope everything's OK with the big man. He's calling you the big man there. Yeah, I don't know why. Do you know Scottish people like to do that? They do. I'll tell you what happened there, Dandyman, is that I had no idea what I was going to say.

I mean, even at the very last split second, as my lips began to part, I did not know what I was going to say before I said. Well, he's misunderstood your... Yeah. Yeah. So, no, everything's fine, but thank you. And if I do need cheering up and there's a problem need solving,

I think the dandy man can. Ooh, lovely. So, yeah, I've been doing stand-up gigs. You've been doing what I call your gigs. Yeah, and I haven't really done what I'd call proper stand-up for five years, so it's been an interesting experience. I always, when I go into something like this, I'll be absolutely honest with you,

I always think it's going to be an earth-shattering success. I mean, I really do. I really think the first night, all the new stuff will all go so brilliantly that that'll be that. Do you fantasise it might be on News at Ten? They might actually report. I fantasised

about there being a lot of stuff on Twitter about it's like one of the best gigs I'd ever seen. I honestly did fantasise. I'm not, I daydream a lot in an extremely positive way about my career I find I've had to since the Sony nominations the Sony nominations

I thought we'd get maybe four or five I thought it'd be one of those Nick Ferrari year and I never learn so I always think honestly I can't tell you how brilliant I think it's going to be. I partly blame this show because I always imagine that everything I say on this show, back home with the listeners, is absolutely bringing the house down.

And of course, I don't know any better. You two aren't allowed to read out negative text. So I live in a beautiful cloud cuckoo world of 100% success. It's great. But I'll give you an example of how my bubble burst. It's like being a Middle Eastern dictator. I like that. But internal.

Comedy death spot. At least my elaborate gold bathtub palace is in my head. This is very true. I can confirm that. Yeah, well, there was a few times this week when my statue was pulled over and somebody hit it with a flip-flop. Because, for example,

I think I got overambitious because I feel I can do anything on this show. I kind of thought, oh, this is my chance to hear those laughs I don't normally get to hear. So, par exemple, I tried... Sorry, Frank, the carpet fitter's upstairs. We're just going to have a word with them.

I did... Oh, yeah, there's a carpet being fitted, not before time, might I say, in the Absolute Radio Studios. That rug, that rug is threadbare. If you hear any hammering, that's what it'll be. But I'm all right with a bit of background hammering. OK. I remember a mate of mine buying a Billy Idol album

and told me it sounded like somebody building a shed. It's a fabulous description. So, anyway, this was one of the gags that didn't go so well. Right, and perhaps you can workshop it with me, Alan, you being a professional comedian. Oh, this isn't going to be remotely mortificado. So I said, right, this is my impression. Bear in mind, this is how overconfident I think I've got.

Kind of a Yarlwoodian. I said, yeah, this is my impression of George Gershwin yawning. Ooooooo Ooooooo Ooooooo Ooooooo Ooooooo Ooooooo Ooooooo Nothing.

See, in a weird way it's bad to tell me this because comedians love hearing about other comedians fail. But can you imagine how loud the silence was after that? it's bad to tell me this because comedians love hearing about other comedians' films. But can you imagine how loud the silence was after that? Yeah, but I like it. I think it's funny. But do you get it?

Yes. I don't know, anyone there got it? Of course we get it. No, no one there. What if they got it? They just said, well, I get it, but what about it? Which is even worse.

Please let me live in the belief they didn't get it. Not that they got it and treated it with utter contempt. That would be too much. Oh, right. But I always... It's this... I imagine now that our readers at home are still laughing at the George Gershwin. Do you?

They're not hearing. They're not hearing this bit of the show. Do you, Colonel Gaddafi? Yeah. Because they're laughing so loudly. We can say anything you, Colonel Gaddafi? Yeah. They're laughing so loudly. We can say anything now but they can't hear us. They're breathless. Frank? Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I believe that Zara, our assistant producer, has spoken to the carpet men, as I like to call them. The carpet beggars. The carpet beggars. And, yeah.

We've also heard from the dandy man. Glad to hear Frankie's OK. Loved the Gershwin gag, by the way. He did actually laugh. If only you'd been there this week, dandy man. He continues, I've stopped laughing now, but I did laugh. It's a quality gag, so...

Oh, dandy man. We've broken our rule about praise, but... See, if you said that's one of our 500,000 listeners, that's a good thing. I'm reminded, by the way, in the presence of the carpet men, of my favourite

Ross Abbott joke ever was when he was the Scottish character. Oh, I love that. One of his most sophisticated characters. No, but he was like an older version of it. And it and it was it was based around bonnie prince charlie and he came and he said bonnie prince charlie is returning i want to put out red carpet to celebrate his thing but we don't know which way he's coming so he said to his assistant you tack the higher hotel it's got everything you like in there, Frank. Puns akimbo. Yeah, exactly.

Puns and Scottish accents. It's funny. Oh, we can't top that. So, meanwhile, over at the theatre... Yeah, so let me give you another example of a piece of misjudgment on my part. I started talking about... This is something I...

I went to see a 1924 silent film starring Lon Chaney Sr., Man of a Thousand Faces, called He Who Gets Slapped. Already some of the audience had wandered off this far in. And my point was, it was one of the first ever MGM films. Right. And, you know, the famous MGM lion thing at the beginning. Oh, yeah.

So when they got to that, the MGM lion, I was fully expecting that the lion... It was a silent film, but I thought the lion will roar in silence and then a card will come up with, like, a G and about 16 R's. I had to explain. But, in fact, the lion just looked into camera. It didn't roar. I suppose because it was silent, it didn't bother. So he just looked into camera he didn't roar i suppose because it was silent he didn't bother so he just looked into camera not even with any sort of purpose like like like a lion

might look at a wardrobe and um not a witch no and then i said um and then i said in three years later um okay you know came the the jazz thing with Al Jolson and the era of the talkies, or as the lion called them, the Rorys. Nothing. Oh, that's a shame. The Rorys, you didn't... I thought it was gold.

That's what I thought. It's musical material. It was one of those, as I got nearer to saying Rorys, I started to get really excited and a bit hot in anticipation of the laugh I was going to get. I mean, it's a pretty niche area of interest joke, isn't it? The advent of the talkies. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, as long as you do it with some broader stuff around it about, you know... Yeah, it was next to George Gershwin. I'm not kidding. It followedorge gershwin i'm not kidding it followed george gershwin wow so it was your crowd pleaser yeah so it was always always go for the cheap laughs don't you that's like when you're walking down the street and there's a lamppost gone and you think oh and then you realize the next one's gone as well. Then you're in darkness. I like your observation comedy about lampposts as well.

George Hornby. Probably would have gone better than either the lion or George. Well, I happen to like both pieces of material. Oh, well, thanks very much. But you are, you know, you are one of my biggest fans. I am. Just as I am one of yours, so it's that lovely mutuality lovely but it's been it's been uh i'll tell you one thing i have realized you know when i said to you i felt i

could wear a suit for um four weeks yes you can't do that if you're performing oh no what are you varying it how many did you so have you done the same suit all week? I have. Is that the same one this morning? It is. It started to crackle a bit when I raised my arms. Oh, God. Have the armpits gone a bit white like a shirt in a charity shop? Well, I'm not prepared to answer that. Without legal representation present. There is an element of that. You know those sorts of rings you get on an old wooden wardrobe door?

Oh yes. You know those sort of rings in the wood. There's an element of that in the inner sleeve. But anyway

that's been basically my week. And don't get me wrong I'm loving quite a large part of it

and then the other part is terrifying. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've had some texts in. Good. It's kind of in response to your gig. Told you it worked.

Well, yeah. 160. Hi, Frank. I was at the gig last night and I loved everything, even the bits that no one else laughed at. There's a little insight. That's from Gordon in the front row. Oh, I remember Gordon in the front row. Oh, do you? Hey, Gordon.

How you doing? It's been too long, hasn't it? Yeah. Last night. No, I don't remember. He was smiling inside, that's all I can say. We've also had a text from Stuart saying, Lewis, my 11-month-old son liked the Gershwin joke. Absolute silence for that

MGM joke. And he's put the second joke in inverted commas. How old is his son? 11 months old, but he likes Gershwin-based humour. Does he? I'll have to see if I can get it. No, but he says absolute silence and that's one of my favourite stations.

That's an absolute stand-up channel, isn't it? I like to dust down my Porgy and Bess routine. 740, your audience could star in a silent movie. Oh, that's harsh. That is harsh, isn't it? That's harsh. If they did that, if they did like a clip of the show and then cut to the audience, silent,

and then put up, like, one of those old-fashioned cards, but blank. Work it out. Yeah, that's great. Well, this news just in from 669. I'm coming to see Frank tonight with three friends. Oh. I'll lay odds that the Gershwin joke will go over the head of one particular friend.

See you later. Oh, don't worry, we'll be hearing the Gershwin joke. It's not made the cut, has it gone? It's coming with three friends. I can only hope that it's Tom Core. Yeah. Oh, nice. Oh, you like the Cores. Wouldn't he put three family members, sir?

No, I think they became friends ultimately. I never really believed the family thing, did you? You don't believe it? One of the things you don't believe, that the fours are related. I think that was PR, wasn't it? Like the White Stripes.

No, the Nolan sisters were around at the moment. It was sort of an Irish thing, wasn't it, to sort of pretend you were related. I think Westlife tried it for a bit and then it... Did they? Yeah. That I was unaware of. Bewitched?

Yeah, well, they all claimed they were called West and then incidents happened and that became an unpopular surname to abandon the whole thing. Yeah, look it up, Google it. Clinton Morgan says, there is a silent roaring lion at the start of Greed, the film Greed. No grr intertitle, sadly.

Oh, so it does roar. Well, honestly, this one... What's Greed? That's another silent movie. This lion, which is the original MGM lion, who I believe was known as Slats, that was its name, it doesn't even bother to roar.

And it's in the film as well. I think that's a great idea. We've got a lion. We might as well use it in the film, haven't we? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Another fan of the Gershwin gag on Twitter. How can that be?

Well, he does say... Got nothing. I can't tell you. It is not get one of our regulars. Oh, okay. He says, going somewhere after the show, to what do we owe the honour of you wearing a tie?

Enjoy the Gershwin gag. Well, as I've established, I wear a suit and tie all the time now. I honour... If people can honour their terrible've established, I wear a suit and tie all the time now. I honour, if people can honour their terrible office jobs, I think I can honour life. We're off. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily Dean had her feet up on the counter then during that song. It's unusual, isn't it? I can't say from this side of the desk. Very relaxed. It is.

I was going a bit louche. I was a bit... I hope you've got trousers on if you had your feet up on the desk. That's for Alan to know and you to find out. It's gone a bit Carol Vorderman on Low Swim. Well, yeah. The less said about that, the better. Mm.

Carol Vorderman on Low Swimming. Well, yeah. The less said about that, the better. Anyway, look, this is... We should... It's been a sad week. I think you'll agree. Yeah. And I'm not just talking about the George Gershwin joke.

We have seen... To me, I don't know about you, but I didn't see this coming at all. No. JLS have announced that they're going to split. I know. Now, what is... You guys have got your fingers on the pulse of popular culture.

That's worrying, if you're looking to us. Are we your youth offensive here? What's the truth of it? Because I haven't heard anything that sounds convincing. JLS, the real story. One of them said, and I have a quote here, we never wanted to outstay our welcome in the industry. Never bothered me, I must say.

They'll have to carry me out on my shield. Well, first of all, obviously I've come to despise them because they've referred to showbiz as the industry, despise them because they've referred to showbiz as the industry, which I put up there with saying artist about a singer or something. Yeah. Now, they're nice lads, but what's happened? Have they lost their record deal of sales gone down?

Well, I don't know. I mean, it's a little bit suspicious, if you ask me. It's a bit fishy. The last single, I think, was 112. That's all I'm saying. Was it? Yeah. 112,000? Oh, in the charts. Was it The last single, I think, was 112. That's all I'm saying. Was it? Yeah. 112,000? Oh, in the charts.

Was it really? Oh, I see. Yeah, I believe so. Well, there's your answer then. What about the numbers? I don't know. I'll need confirmation on that. But I think they have talked about what they're going to do now.

You see, I've had an encounter. Have any of you boys met JLS? I've met them a couple of times. All of them? Very neat hair. He's worked with of times. All of them? Very neat hair. He's worked with them all. All of them are individuals. All of them have got the neatest hair I've ever seen in my life. I mean, if we'd been in a

hurricane, not one of those hairs would have moved. It's manicured. Oh, it's incredible. I've had two Marvin encounters. Here we go. I have. No. He's very happily married with Rochelle from Earths off the Saturdays. Off of the Saturdays. That's right.

They're expecting, I believe. Maybe it's due in three weeks. That's bad timing. It is. No, I'm only calling the S. Out of work. I sat with Rochelle and Marvin at the Wimbledon final. Did you?

Yeah. Oh, that's tremendous work. We watched Andy Murray lose. That reminds me of the time I went to the World Cup final with one of the guys from One Direction. Oh, no, that never happened. Your life is like that. Mine is not. I went to, I think it was England-Columbia

with Tony the Tiger. I did. Me and David Baddiel had to sit with Tony the Tiger and we got paid, I don't know, 500 quid for being photographed sitting next to him. I must have told you this story. You could have bought your own tickets by then, surely. I know, but you know.

But we wouldn't have got to go with Tony the Tiger. I must say, he was very appreciative of the whole experience. How much did he pay to sit with you and do this? He said it was... No, I must have told you this because... Look, he's building up to a joke, come on. No, it's not, It's a true story. He said to me...

He said, I'm going to have to go and lie down for a bit. Tony the Tiger said. Did he? No, we never see this side of him on the adverts. Had he had a few, had he? And he said, no. He said, I've got a bit of... He said, I got a bit of sunstroke last week as the Pink Panther.

And someone said to me about... He went, and we didn't see him for half an hour. And somebody said to me, Frank, you're with Tony the Tiger, aren't you? I thought, well, I never thought I'd lived... And I said, well, I'm about with him. He's sitting next to us. You see, he's lying down next to the refreshment on the floor.

And well, there was 20 minutes to go to halftime, so I said, I'll have a look at halftime, see if he's all right. But he'd gone. Stole me the tiger for you. What I was particularly interested to read was that J.B. Gill, another one of them, he's going to start a deer farm, and he says he's currently looking to buy deer. Yeah.

So we know what he's doing at the moment. Oh, lovely insertion. Yeah. Thanks. You haven't said that for years. Oh, God. Yeah, he's going to start a deer farm. I didn't even know there was such a thing as a deer farm.

Well, he said, not only are they beautiful to look at, I'd like them to reproduce. Yeah, I bet he would as well. I mean, the things that people do just for one good viral. I'll actually buy a... He's going to have a deer farm. Marvin is going to be who I went to Wimbledon Men's Idol with. And he bought me some Pimms.

Lovely. Did he? Yeah. He's all hot. He's going to be a celebrity dad and DJ. He's got a gig on another radio, commercial radio station. That doesn't sound like a great celebrity combined honours degree, does it? Celebrity dad and DJ.

Well, that's you. Well, I'm not DJ. DJ, that's where people go to die, is to DJ. When you ever hear of any sort of musical star who is DJing, that means that the end is nigh. Oh. He might be, but if he's got a radio show, Frank, I'm just saying. Oh, yeah, you know, good luck to him.

It's another person for the Sony judges to vote in over us. It's an enemy now. I will honestly say they were, I found them to be very nice gentlemen when I met them. They caused a riot in Birmingham once. I remember they did a free gig in Birmingham, JLS, and the crowd rushed the barriers. It was like, you know, it was like a proper full-on riot.

I think they thought it was a furniture sale. Some terrible misunderstanding. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think it's time for a saunter, isn't it? Shall we venture there?

Hold on, let me get my thumb ready. Email Corner! Loving it, loving it, loving it. I'm loving it like that. We're in Email Corner. I'll begin with an email that I think you'll be very interested in, Mr Radio. I think I know what's coming, because I've already seen this email. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. I'm so excited.

Absolutely absurd. It's taken over my life, this email. I can't think of anything else. He's like a greyhound in the traps, readers. No, honestly, it's ruined that gig last night. All I can think about is this email. Well, let's let them know, them, as a regular podcast listener, and

as Frank can no doubt relate to, a vehement Doctor Who fan. I'm surprised by vehement there, but let's move on. More than I'm proud of, is added in brackets. I decided to start my own website on the topic. The only problem is though, the pressure of coming up with a witty slash memorable name to use for it.

The current title I've reluctantly settled on is the who hub the who hub yeah i don't i'm sure there's something a lot better out there is that a pun like if it isn't there's no point in existing no but is it one i'm not getting the who hub anyway he said i decided to ask the who he could have called it who ha i think the who hub might have confusion with people who are fans of the bit where it's Anyway, he said, I decided to ask... The Who-Ha, he could have called him. Who-Ha. I think the Who Hub might have confusion with people who are fans of the Who. Can you read out the bit where he's been really nice about us? Yeah. Yeah. Pardon?

I decided, who better to ask for help than the three wittiest people I know of? Thank you. Oh, and sorry if that sounded too much like a compliment. But I do think the Who Hub is confusing, because people could go there wanting stuff about the Who, or even worse, the World Health Organisation. You don't want that, do you? No. The Who Hub is confusing because people could go there wanting stuff about The Who. Well, that's true of any... Or even worse, the World Health Organization. Oh, yeah.

There's a lot of online confusion. Breastfeeding for two years, that's their recommendation. Is that right? Yeah, get out of here. Well, that's no good for Doctor Who fans, is it? They've got stuff to do. They've got episodes to catch up on. Have they got stuff to do?

Really? It's a good point. Because I beg to differ. They've got episodes to catch up on. Have they got stuff to do? Really? That is a good point. Because I beg to differ. I'm not having that. I'm not having the anti-Whovian remarks. What about... That was from Jack and Cheltenham, by the way, so we need to help him.

Yes, well, as you can imagine, being obsessed with Ponds and Doctor Who, I've been able to think of nothing else since I read this. It's ruined my life. I couldn't sleep last night. Who wants to know? Who wants to know? People want to know about Doctor Who, don't they?

And that's a thing people say, isn't it? So if you want to see a lot of Doctor Who actors, you can just go to my parents' Facebook page, to be fair. And what is that called? What's that witty name? Do you want to try a few? Have you got a few? I'm imagining you've got loads.

Oh, but I can't. All of mine are Gershwin-related, ironically. Are they? No, they're not at all. That would be weird. That would be very weird. Well, I think you two, I'm afraid, are going to own me because I don't know enough about regional sci-fi

to be able to contribute much. But go on, over to you, Frank. You have the floor. OK, I've got Tardissitation. Oh, lovely. Who's your friend? Oh! Who's calling?

Look who's calling. Just who? Okay, could be look who's calling. That could be confusing. What about You've Been Galleyframed? Don't get it. He's from Galleyframed. Yeah, I know that.

That's where the Time Lords are from. Yeah. The Regeneration Game. That's good. Can I say, this is like some Countdown episode or something. He's reading them out. What about this one, then? This is a description of the man who's doing it, really.

The Sonic Who-Scriber. Oh. That's complex, but I like it. It's based on the Sonic Screwdriver, actually. What about this one? About Time. About Time. screw driver yeah um what about this one uh about time about time and if there's a sequel to it could be called about time too can we call this link what about this one here we go this is all he's saying from the bottom of my hearts i don't understand that in the slightest he's got he's got

two he's got two hearts oh has he? no it's too obscure and finally this I think is my own personal favourite finally finally Quotardis Quotardis oh that's good

that's the one I'm putting my shirt on it smells so bad who think that's the one I'm putting my shirt on. It smells so bad, who cares? Who's the Daddy? 219? Yeah, for the Doctor Who website, who's the Daddy? I wasn't questioning Baz's parenting. No, thank God for that.

219, or Who-topia? Who-topia, I like. Yeah, I didn't get it initially. Right, but we've established you're in a little bit of a funny mood. I'm not at all, but I think it was too clever a pun for me on Utopia. No, it's not. Is that... Are you being sarky? He's being sarky.

No, I'm not. I'm not being sarky. I'm not. Honestly, he's bit Emily's head off. I didn't know where to look. It all went a bit Suarez. I think I got confused with Topia and Topiary. I was thinking... Who Topiary would

be a brilliant one, but only if it was Hedges cut into the shape of Doctor Who characters. That would be extremely niche in terms... Mind you, it's probably online, isn't it? There's a lot of very specific... Doctor Who based Topiary. Let's Google that and find out, because if there is, I

want to see. that would be brilliant we should say jack and cheltenham i would like to know what he what he settles on in the end yeah but you know what if it's not one of yours what about if it's called gershwin yawning that'd be good um what about uh like building in a bit of gratitude because surely the hue fan community hue fan the who fan community would be pleased by another website about it. They can't have too many. You could have something like Tar for Dis. Tar for Dis.

This is the Scouse branch. Yeah. Can I just say, my only concern, re-quotardis, are you going to get a rogue Rick Parfit, Francis Rossi contingent coming your way? But they'll know that there's a TARDIS there's only one. In my view in my experience that's no deterrent to them.

Besides I think there's probably a bit of crossover isn't there between Quo and Doctor Who. I'm glad you've admitted that. Well I used to love I mean I remember my neck agonising after seeing quo at birmingham town hall and doing the old thing with my head all night they were great in those days dogger two head it's a great album they're good we're still in email corner yeah that is where we

currently dwell us and i i'm gonna read the one, even though I read the last one, because I think Emily will probably resist reading this one. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I am absolutely dying to know how old Emily is, because you make comments about it all the time. I'll see you later. My guess from... OK. Gershwin's back.

We can all just relax, it's fine. I'm sure. I'm sure it's fine. My guess from looking at the lovely picture you put on Twitter this week is about 34 to 35. Apologies if I have guessed above your age, Emily. Oh, don't worry, it's fine. May I make a lady...

LAUGHTER Dry air in here, innit? Dry in the studio. Hot! May I make a lady knight move for Emily? I would love to have Emily teach me how to be a stylish lady. I'm a mum to three girls, two of them under five. Sometimes I don't feel as stylish as I could be.

And as I'm around Emily's age, I am 33. Oh, yes, yeah. Dry, dry in the studio. She could use her knowledge to make me the most fashionable mum at the school run. Lots of love, your loyal subject, Kelly. Kelly. Oh, I love Kelly. I love that, Kelly, because we have to go to the news, but I'm keen to hear this.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Before the break, I'm going to refer to it as the break, Kelly was asking a couple of questions, one reasonable, one less reasonable. One was regarding my age, and I would say in response to that, Kelly, you say it best when you say nothing at all.

It's the showbiz tradition, you know. I'm following in the footsteps of Julie Goodyear. Yeah. She seems the type never to say her age, doesn't she? I imagine the steps of Julie Goodyear are very deeply indented. She also asked me just a general question about being stylish. I think this is a great question, by the way. I think it proves that Kelly is already a cut above many of the mums on the school run

because most of them, I think, are just happy to get to the school clean and, like, arrive, let alone fashionable. They tend to favour an organ and a legging, I find, on the school run. Sometimes. I love an organ. I know. I think an organ and a legging is a great combo. Well, you say that, but how about swapping that up? I'm an organ and a leg in is a great combo.

Well, you say that, but how about swapping that up? I'm just saying, a trench, would it kill you? A nice trench coat, a statement flat and a cigarette pant. We're talking yummy mummy, not secret squirrel. Would it kill you to crack out the cigarette pants? I want to do a yummy mummy with a secret squirrel. Well, I think I like that. I once knew a yummy mummy with a secret squirrel. I, well, I think, I like that. I think that's a great look, that legging and an og. Yeah, you also used to have a crush on Zola Bud, Frank.

Yeah, not so much on Ronnie Wood. I mean, I don't know, I haven't spent any time at the school gate since I was at school. I've spent quite a bit of time. Don't you like that Audrey Hepburn look, though? Bit of a Brett on top. You can't turn up like that at the school gate since I was at school. I've spent quite a bit of time there. Don't you like that Audrey Hepburn look, though? Bit of a Brett on top. You can't turn up like that at the school gate. Oh, can't you?

No. I don't think so. I'm sorry, no one told me that. When they turn up at the school gates, what they used to call dress to the nines, I think it's a bit weird. It's a bit too much. It can be too much.

So maybe she's wanting sort of stylish but everyday wear advice. Oh, I'm sorry, that was everyday in in my world let's go down the shops and also the thing i don't i don't know what um kelly's kelly's status um yeah whether she's a single mum or whatever but um i think once you've had you know you've had kids and all that i think you you should enjoy letting yourself go. I know I have. And it's one of the joys of life to think, well, I've done it now. I can just completely let myself go.

What about marriage number two, though? You've got to keep in decent... Yeah, but what you do is when you get desperate for marriage number two, you start doing sit-ups. Because Charles Atlas approached you to do it. This is what I've never understood. I don't understand about the gay marriage.

They get married and then they carry on going to the gym on a regular basis. Let yourself go. That's the joy of marriage. Then you just get fat together. Pretty soon you're filling that sofa and you don't know where the hobby stops and wifey starts. That's what you want. That's what they mean by the other half.

The other half of the sofa. Yeah, come on. I've had a sort of a moment of realisation about myself this week. And yet you're still wearing a denim shirt. I like denim. It's a very durable, comfortable fabric. Do you know what? I like your prison break chic. I always have done. Thanks very much. I think you could slide

into presentation work on Top Gear and no one would even notice the join. Oh, well I would find it a hell on earth, but thanks for the job offer. Perhaps we can spring James May. You can step in in his place. No, well they wouldn't bully me like they bullied him, would they? No, you wouldn't stand for it.

I'd step to them in the common parlance. I don't know what it says about me. Quite often I have Match of the Day 2 on my Sky Plus and I don't watch it because I'm not bothered all the time. Sometimes I do.

But this week I turned it on and watched it purely because I had heard that Luis Suarez had bitten another footballer. What does that say about me, let alone Suarez? Well, I know what you mean. It's like... It does make me wonder if they allow biting. Will I watch more football? I mean, I would only ever

watch Formula 1 with the hope of a crash. Dang. It's like, you know, you wouldn't watch Strictly without Bruce. You know, you want some sort of car crash potential. You're right, and that dancing on ice thing, I hope they'll fall over. Well, of course you do.

That's why they do it. I don't want anyone to get badly hurt, obviously. I do. Oh, OK. But I want a bit, you know, I want... they do it. I don't want anyone to get badly hurt, obviously. I do. Oh, OK. But I want a bit, you know, I want... Yeah. So I think that's fine. I'm sure.

I bet you they got... We need to talk about Suarez. This is the thing. They got their best ratings of the year, I bet, for the Suarez. I wouldn't be surprised, yeah. It's been a strange time for football, because Suarez beat another bloke. Yeah.

And then last week, a football fan punched a horse. Yes. So it seems like all the rules of combat of, they're in, they're in turmoil. Can I tell you

what I like, Frank? I like the fact that Robbie Savage insisted on continuing to use the footballer's tense, as you so brilliantly termed it. What he's done,

he's bit him. He's looked up, he's seen the arm. He's bit him. He's bit him. He did say, he's bit him. He's looked up, he's seen the arm. He's bit him. He's bit him. He did say he's bit him. The best quote of the week was Louis Suarez's manager. Oh, yeah.

Who's been outraged at the harsh treatment that Louis has. Understandably, because he's a brilliant player. Yeah. And Brendan Rodgers, this is an actual quote. They said he's let the club down. He says, Louis hasn't let me down one bit. Oh, Brendan.

That's a genuine quote. Poor old Brendan. Alan Hansen said, let's put this into perspective, which I like. I like that we need to put it into perspective. Did he say unbelievable? No, he said he hasn't harmed anybody. Put it into perspective. He hasn't harmed anybody.

But he was trying to. He tried to bite a man. I know. But I think it's an interesting insight into Alan Hansen's parenting techniques. I think an interesting insight was that Paolo Di Canio described it as strange. I think when Di Canio thinks you're strange, you've really gone weird. It's a point, though. You wouldn't be as hurt by that bite

as you would by somebody kicking you up in the air. And people get kicked up in the air on a regular basis in football. But I suppose the difference is you can accidentally kick someone up in the air at football. You can pretend it's accidental. Yeah, you can't accidentally grab someone's arm and try and eat them, can you? Yeah, but if I punch someone in the face in a football pitch,

not me, because obviously that would be assault. Not even in your 70s pitch invader days. Yeah, but if I was a professional footballer and I punched another professional footballer, it's unlikely I would get a ten-match ban. No. So there's something like biting is something special. Roberta Savage said...

Yeah. He actually... Rebiter. Rebiter Savage said... Yeah. He actually... Robiter. Robiter Savage said, I'd much prefer to be bit than on the receiving end of a harsh tackle because he said I could still... He said I could still report for training on a Monday morning.

I think that ship sailed, Robbie. Yeah. But I see his point, Frank. He meant it strictly. But he's fine with being bitten. He's fine with being bitten. He's savage by name. Savage by name.

It's all right. Well, I tell you what it has meant. It did get me thinking. Do people still... I'm out of touch now. Do people still have love bites? Yes, I think they do sometimes. I only think it was a friendly.

No, but it just made me think about... When I was at school, you know know not everybody, but everyone who was fortunate enough had love bites. I've had one in my whole life and I remember I had to coach the girl who was giving it me saying, no, you need to do it harder than that I can't feel anything, you need to get more of the flesh in. But everyone

used to have them, it was the badge of honour that, you know, I've got a partner and I haven't seen one and I, you know It didn't mean I've got a partner. And I haven't seen one. And I, you know... It didn't mean I've got a partner for me. It just meant I was with someone last night. But I look at the poo a lot. And I haven't spotted...

I haven't spotted a love bite for a long time. So if you're aware of their existence, give us a bell. Oh, God. Give us a bell. Frank's on the telly. Look, don't make it sound like it's someone you know. We were sitting here minding our own business. Suddenly, a commercial for Sky Arts comes up. With me and Thomas Moore.

That's Joan Bakewell. Mine's screen at the same time. Oh, oh God, that's a bit of a mix-up. She shouldn't have worn that fur coat, the big chain. You look lovely, Frank. Thank you so much. Do you know, I was so excited. I felt like a kid then, thinking, how can he be in two places?

I get excited if I sit me on a security camera in a department store. Oh. Have we had any lovebites information? We have. We also had a text earlier. Frank, I think the paper's missed a trick with the Luis Suarez story. They should have gone with the headline Vampire Weekend. Vampire Weekend, you know, it's a band. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I like it. Seems all right to me. I like it. But yes, we have had lovebite updates. It seems that people are having them. Frank, if you want to see a Lovebite and can endure to watch the Jeremy Kyle show, you'll see them there. Well, that's where I look at the poor. I don't stare at people in the street.

The Jeremy Kyle show is television's answer to the prison door peephole. So you can watch, but in safety. But I've never really... I can't remember ever noticing a love bite on jeremy kyle not on jeremy kyle but on his people oh i'm think i think they are there i think you just don't see them anymore i think you're right i think it's it's partly to do with you know the the avians and the swines the people now even a handshake is a big deal. So I think people are wary about it. I think it's died out. There you go. What about the butterfly kiss?

Does that still exist? I don't know. Do you remember that? When you used to put your eyes together and flick your eyelashes and they sort of tickle each other. Oh, that's disgusting. I could never do that. I've got too much mascara.

I couldn't do that. I had conjunctivitis for most of my school years. I could never get purchased. No, we'llivitis after my school years. I could never get purchase. No, we'll try it after. It's all right. Oh! It's all right. What if I overstep the mark? We also had an email, Frank, much of my clientele sport love bites from Dan. P.S. I'm in the police.

Oh, I love his clientele. Oh, and I'm glad it still exists. We were told at school, I seem to remember, that it was dangerous. Toothpaste gets rid of it, doesn't it? That's what they said at school. Is that right? People put toothpaste on them to calm them back down. Is that right?

Do people not remember this from school? No, but that's interesting. Well, that could be the next sexting. How did you calm down your lovebites? What a show this is. I would like to hear it from someone who's currently got a lovebite. That could even prove it. That can be arranged pretty soon.

No, I believe the readers. I don't think anyone would lie to me about it. No, true. What if you made Daisy do it, just in the interest? What if you made her do it? If she did it in a non-controversial body part, like my forearm, my forearm would be fine. And then we'll just see what comes up.

Get the toothpaste out. Just see what comes up. You happy with that, Daisy? No. Yeah, that's just because your boyfriend's listening. But when the music's on... When the music's on... Maybe I could give myself a love bite. Yeah, I think you can.

Someone said that their arm has got a love bite on it. From them? From themselves, yeah. Yeah, who's that, David Walliams? LAUGHTER Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had various texts in. I said that I had put toothpaste on a love bite in the past.

On your own? Yes. Not on someone else's, on a boss? Is this like a mischievous prank? No, but somebody has said, my mum used to make me put vinegar on my love bites before my dad found out. So that works as well? Well, we don't know if it works, but her mum thought it did.

You can get rid of a love bite by pressing on it with both thumbs and smoothing the area out to disperse the trapped blood under the skin. Gets rid of it in about 20 minutes. Done it loads of times, dot, dot, dot. Even to others, dot, dot, dot. Lovely. I love a bit of home medicine. Yes. For love bites.

Yeah, that's... Well, that's good. It seems they do still exist. I must look closer. Is it time yet? What, for your... Tell us about your holiday. Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

I've been waiting for so long to talk about this. You talk about your Icelandic lighthouse. He talks about camping. I go to Sri Lanka and we have to pretend it never happened. No, that's exciting. I've never been to Sri Lanka. Well, can I give you a little travel tip? If you're going to go, go over with the CEO of a major British airline.

That helps. Or any airline at all. How do I arrange that? Well, you have to know me. They treated us well, I have to say. Oh, they looked after us. But I'll tell you who I was travelling with. So it was me and the CEO, Keith. I love Keith.

Okay. Not our Keith. No. Has he been promoted? He's very down-to-earth, Keith. He's in the wrong way of work, surely. Yeah. The Deputy High Commissioner of Sri Lanka. Oh, yeah. Gordon.

I know him. I bet he's not called Gordon. I had an unfortunate incident with him. Well, it was quite good. He came out with a bit of a zinger. I offered him a cashew nut on the plane. He said, I'm not sure. That's a good response.

And then, oh, that's not even a zinger. He said, I'm not sure. I said, go on. YOLO. Ah, YOLO'd. What? I said, YOLO. You only live once.

He went, actually, in this part of the world, we believe in rebirth. So that's incorrect. Oh, that's... Which I thought was quite a zinger. only live once. He went, actually, in this part of the world, we believe in rebirth. So that's incorrect. Oh, that's... Which I thought was quite a zinger. That is excellent. I've never seen... He's a YOLO assassin. Yeah. The Deputy Chief Commissioner.

The DHC, I started calling him. I don't know how well that played. He was 70, but, you know, it was OK. I befriended a lovely pilot. Lovely. Well, you were wondering about the plane quite a lot. You were freehand. I thought they locked the door now, weren't they? She had an access hall area's pass.

I was bashing it down. Of course. No, he took me in the cockpit. Pardon? Wow. Sorry, everyone. Great. I've been in the cockpit before. It's very exciting. I loved it.

It's such a simple thing, flying a plane. Did you sit in? I sat in the seat. it's very exciting it's such a simple thing flying a plane I sat in the seat did he put his hat on you? I bet he put his hat on you and everybody giggled I bet he got giggly no I didn't put the hat on but I took photos of them so I said I'm really pleased as well because this one was very good looking

they can be a bit disappointing, they can be a bit Dickie Davis you're quite old but he was young and handsome so I just took pictures. You always get the stew of this is you get the one old, the old retainer. You always get disappointed with that, don't you? Well, you know, it's, I suppose if you're on a plane for seven or eight hours, it is nicer if there's, you know, beautiful people around just to get you through it. At one point, point frank so i went to this place called the thing about the sri lankans i love very nice people nice cup of tea i bet oh lovely cup of tea

nice people and very nice at being they're firm but fair but they do it in a very pleasant way for example i went to this place lion rock oh yeah oh do you Have you heard of that? I've heard of Lion Rock. That's that massive massive rock thing. 200 metres high. Wow. 1200 steps. I got to a bit and there was a little, you had to buy tickets for these frescoes. I didn't have the tickets so I just said Hi. Here's my business card. My name is Emily

Dean. Wow. Yeah. The security guard, he wasn't impressed. I said, yeah I just, I need access to this area here. It's a rock. I'm starting a world status at the rock. Can I point out, it's a UNESCO World Heritage site. Is it? I love UNESCO.

The man listened to me. I got out all my cards. Alice Temperley discount cards, all sorts. He looked at me, he said, don't worry, madam, you are not coming in. Oh, I like him. Yeah, he said, don't worry, madam, you are not coming in. Oh, I like him. Yeah, he sounds good. Punching a velvet glove, that's what that is, isn't it? And then I went on a seaplane, Frank, with Keith, the CEO. I think the pilot was there, but he wasn't driving.

And a Dalek, which I need to tell you about. A Dalek? Yes. And I did think, if something happened to this plane, Frank would be very torn about who to mourn the most. Wow, how come? Well, he was a journalist, but it turned out... Oh, a journalist.

Not easy with just a soccer and a gun. Journalist Dalek. He was Dalek in his youth. He used a manuensis. Was he writing for that website? The Doctor Who one that we've just discussed? Quote artist. Was he writing for that website?

The Doctor Who one that we've just discussed? Quotardist. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Annie QPR has tweeted us to say, I've climbed Lion Rock in Sri Lanka, which is where I was boasting about climbing. Annie QPR has climbed? Yeah.

I bet she's... Wish she'd stayed. Oh. Yeah. I bet she wished she'd stayed. Oh. They're having a torrid time. Apparently Lion Rock is a rock that didn't growl until the talk in films came out. Is that right? Yeah. I'm writing that down.

Don't worry, madam. You are not coming in. Oh, I feel crazy. I'm just thinking of it, Frank. Now, the fact that it's a UNESCO World Heritage site, I find that... I find that strangely alluring. But there's something about UNESCO

and UNICEF, all the United Nations sort of charity, anything that has an ambassador. I always like to imagine their party, who will be at their parties. If you went to an event and it was UNESCO, who would you expect to see at their party? Number one,

Bianca Jagger. Yeah, oh, yeah. Who never does anything else, I imagine. Not Kofi Annan, would he not? No, no, it wouldn't be anyone like that. There's a certain type of celebrity. Roger Moore would be there. Yeah, he's very UNESCO. And probably... Or I'll kill you. Yeah. Probably Prince Albert of Monaco.

Yes, he's very UNESCO as well. It's a certain type of... You're a trash. Well, I don't know you. Yeah. Probably Prince Albert of Monaco. Yes. He's very unicy as well. It's a certain type of... You're a trash. Well, I don't know what... Yeah. Maybe that's true. A little bit, yeah. Frank, you know that Dalek I was telling you about?

Oh, yes. So it turned out... The Dalek on the plane? Yeah, the Dalek on the plane. Was that not difficult? No, that was the sequel to Snakes on the Plane. It didn't do so well. Dinosaurs on a spaceship.

Dalek on a seaplane? Yeah. So he fessed up. He wasn't dressed as a Dalek. No! Oh, okay. It's not some weird dream of yours. I was just thinking that. He said... Is he going to hold out his boarding pass? It was under the John Pertwee

administration. Oh, okay. The third. He got 40 quid a day. Not bad. There was a woodenid a day. Not bad. There was a wooden bench inside that he sat on. Was that in the Dalek? Yeah, and he said it was very... As he drove it around, he said it was very unatmospheric.

I'm sorry, Frank. Very unatmospheric? Because... Who was it, Ross Abbott? He likes a Dalek with a bit of atmosphere. I'll tell you what, Ross Abbott references don't come along very often. Can I tell you why? Two today. So you couldn't come up with a third.

Because, obviously, there was no sound. So he said all you'd hear was the sort of, you know, floor manager whoever going, left a bit, right a bit, keep forward, straight ahead. And I thought, oh, that doesn't sound very exciting, actually. No, but he's still telling people about it 30 years later. Well, yeah. He did say to me, oh, you can IMDB me.

Oh. Yeah. Well, I've heard some terms for it. That's good, though. When you're on holiday. It's great to have been in a dark, especially the Pertwee. It was a great era, the Pertwee years. Yeah.

Brilliant. I'm a little unfaithful. I'll show you my pictures later, Frank. I also went to an elephant orphanage and the... I did! And it was called The Temple of the Tooth Relic,

which I thought was an Indiana Jones film. Yeah. But no, it's Buddha's Tooth. Buddha's Tooth, Frank, one of his canines. It sounds like... Oh, the elephant... No, that's separate. The elephant orphanage is separate. I thought that was kind of a nice way of putting ivory hunting. Oh, no!

I tell you what, speaking of the exotic east, I was... Every morning when I walk into the office, as it were, I pass Cleopatra's needle. Oh, they were on The Voice recently, weren't they?

Yeah, but not them. And, yeah, it's terrible, they're sitting in some subway and they shouldn't share it. No, I pass, and I become slightly fascinated by it. And I discovered the other day, FYI, as you would say, that buried underneath it are a series of things that represent London at that time. Really?

Yeah. Including, quote, 12 photographs featuring the best-looking English women of the day. Isn't that... And every time I pass it, I think of that. If we had to do that now, apart from Geri Halliwell and Kate Winslet, I just wonder

who it would be. Someone's tweeted us. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, in order of who I could beat at holding the crab position, what's with all the tension between Em and Al? Well, that's caused a bit of tension because Al, I think, from his face, thinks he can hold the crab position longer than you, I say.

There's a bit of me that was wondering, hang on, does that make me the worst or the best at the crab position? No, that makes you the middle. The middle. Aren't they thinking I'd be the worst? No, if it was... What did they say? In order of who I could beat. So, no, Frank is the worst, I'm the second worst, you're the best.

Oh, I thought you came last. So this is great radio. Frank, Emily and Alan. You're the best. Oh, I thought you came last. So this is great radio. Frank, Emily and Alan. I can't believe we didn't get that Sony nomination. You mean with our... Kate Lawler wouldn't spend this much time languishing. No, no, no. She's a great one for moving on.

She's a pro. So what's with all the tension between them and now? Have you noticed tension between them? Yeah, I've been accused of sarcasm today, and I haven't been sarcastic. You've been a bit thrice. I think it's the denim shirt. It's American Prison Break.

Is that what it is? It's that kind of feel to it. You know, there was a point a couple of weeks ago on this show where I became a whipping boy for wearing a shirt, and I just worry that we're descending into Chris Moyle's territory type thing of having a whipping boy on the show. How could you possibly be a whipping

boy? I don't know. You did judo. It's a worry. I'd say you're the cock of the show. I wouldn't say that. If you come to a fight I wouldn't be confident unless I could reach a weapon. I wouldn't start using that power to make

myself be sarcastic around the house. That's not... I'm calling this the house. OK, but you're acknowledging the power, I notice. Yeah, why not? Take it. Have you got the power? I'll take it. OK, let's... I don't... I wish you no ill. Thanks.

Thanks very much. In fact, I love you dearly. Cheers. Why don't you bond this now and sort it all out with a butterfly kiss? Oh, you filthy queen. A love bite on the elbow. No, a little butterfly kiss would be lovely. Oh.

Okay. Can we go to email corner? We're still in it, really. Well, we never leave it nowadays. We've had Joseph... Joseph Marino. Joseph Franklin. Nice cigar smokers.

What about Groucho Marx, Bill Cosby and Whoopi Goldberg? Oh, yeah, we asked... I don't know if you remember this, but I asked if there's any nice people who smoke cigars, because most of the people who smoke cigars, I think, are... Mm. Bill Cosby, of course. Me and him go way back.

Do you? Oh, God, yeah. He captained my celebrity softball team. He didn't? He did when I played celebrity softball at the Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia. I've got a picture of him giving me a low five. Really?

Yeah. Oh, that's impressive. I've still got the cleats. Nice. Yeah, but apparently germaline is there. Or toothpaste. Yeah, but no, that's... Yeah, the cigar thing. We've had a few, but I haven't been very convinced. germaline is there or toothpaste yeah but no that's yeah

the cigar thing we've had a few but I haven't been very convinced they haven't mentioned many well we decided it was only the

odd comic it was ok there's another suggestion hi guys I heard the show about nice cigar smokers

and thought of one I saw the music video for take me I'm yours by squeeze and Jules Holland was puffing away on a cigar

for the entire video I know it may have been just for the video but I by Squeeze and Jules Holland was puffing away on a cigar for the entire video. I know it may have been just for the video but I'd have thought Jules is definitely a nice person who smokes cigars. Well, he was smoking ironically, wasn't he? I would have thought so. I've never seen him with a cigar in real life. He couldn't do that.

He'd get ash on the keys. He's never away from the keys. I had a difficult interview once with... With Jules? With Jules, yeah. What happened? Well, it was... I...

It was him and Tom Jones, and I'll tell you after. OK. I love an anecdote that begins that way. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, Alan Cochran, Emily Dean. Follow us on the Twitter at FrankOnTheRadio.

That, I think, is the shorthand. All you need to know. I like the fact that even though you did it all in shorthand, you still called it the Twitter rather than Twitter. I'm taking to the Twitter. You like the Twitter, don't you. I'm taking to the Twitter. You like the Twitter, don't you? I'm feeling a bit tired, actually.

Coronation Street. Because I could do a whole series of other people yawning. Other people yawning. Terry Rafferty yawning. Stephen people yawning. Gerry Rafferty yawning. Dean Sondheim? That's quite tricky. Yes, there's a lot more discord. Yeah, exactly. Which I like. It's got to be slightly sad seeming, hasn't it?

It'd be hard to carry that off. Melodic, but sad somehow. It's a nice day outside and I feel like it's time for me to discuss uh my current dilemma oh yes i i need sunglasses but yes i i'm at a stage in life where i'm fed up of not caring about sunglasses and breaking them and losing them and so i'm for the first time ever considering buying some expensive sunglasses I think people, is this a

is this a fact that people look after their sunglasses more or is it just the myth that the expensive sunglasses manufacture us Well Frank's can't run us over after he did the sunglasses shop with Jeff Brazier He did the what? Jeff Brazier I was offered some free ones, do you remember this and Jeff Brazier went in ahead of me, do you remember Jeff Brazier

I think this was BC before Cockerel. Oh, was it? And he came out and he said, I thought we'd just get a pair each. And he said to me, you've got 12 pairs. No. And I thought, well, I am damned if Jeff Brazier is going to get more than me. I got 19.

And two for my personal assistant. It was a great day. But I'm starting, I think I've lost, broken, I've got only about three pairs left, so I'm probably on the verge as well. What I'm particularly anxious about, can I say, is to find out your interpretation of the word expensive. Well, I'm even more stressed about that.

Five quid, I'm prepared to go five quid. No, I was going to go over three figures. He likes a label, Aldous. I was going to go up there. Can I just say I've never felt more proud? I was going to go up to, like, Ray-Ban tortoise shell. Is that what the... The thing is, here's the thing.

If I remember rightly, the peak is Foster Grants, isn't it? Aren't they about a tenner? I don't think I'll care if I sit on them. They used to be them they used to be they used to be the ones I think you tried on a pair of my sunglasses last week you had some Ray-Bans

before that I tried on no the dark thick ones they're often dark the Roy Orbison ones the Wayfarers now here's the thing I have a free pair that i got um a comedy festival that were given to me by um the the montreal people and they're like they're the same shape

as wayfarers but they have like neon green colored arms or is it legs on sunglasses i don't know which i don't know you lost me let's call stems. And they're like a neon green, and they've got Comedy Network printed on the side. They're disgusting, but extremely comfortable. And so I've been wearing them driving, which worries me that somebody might overtake me. And there's a vague possibility they'll recognise me and go, oh, he wears Comedy Network sunglasses. What a weird...

But I can't wear them forever. I can't wear them on my summer holidays. I remember once that I was... It was raining, I grabbed an umbrella and I got halfway into town before I realised it said Frank Skinner on the umbrella. It was part of the merchandise from the chat show that I did. And it really...

It was like I was saying... I know I'm slightly obscured by this umbrella, but just in case there's any doubt about who I am, I've put my name on it. Oh, it was so awkward. I didn't want to get wet.

I think in the end I just got wet. Yeah. All I would say advice-wise, wayfarers or aviators, I think wayfarers would look good on you.

All I would say is both of you, I beseech you, no wraparound. It's very Russian clothes protection. No. but I wouldn't spend a lot of money I once watched the total eclipse through a bin liner and it was perfectly fine

under a Frank Skinner umbrella so I would say if you could make a bin liner blindfold it would be fine certainly for driving I do have an old motorcycle helmet that's got a tinted screen I could just wear that, but I've got two summer holidays

planned and I think my family might think it's weird on the beach if I've got a motorbike helmet For driving you can improvise Is there anyone left in Britain? Let me ask the readers, is there anyone left in Britain who's got one of those green sun strips on the top with the name of the woman and

the bloke on it. I would love to know that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. By the way, I never said what my Jules Holland thing was. Oh yeah. I interviewed Jules Holland with Tom Jones

and I had loads of clips but they were all of Tom Jones. And every time we went to a clip, Jules would do that, oh god no, you know what people do before a clip? I've got this clip from 1981, he'd go oh god no, and it was Tom Jones

and I started to feel really bad and there was a point when he looked at me, our eyes met and I felt I'd let him down. Oh, no. This was in the days of dyed Tom Jones. That was like when David Essex came on the show and we didn't play his music. Oh.

That was awful. That was awful. But I actually prefer Tom Jones with the dyed hair and dyed hair. Do you? Really? Well, I think there's a weird thing, it's a weird coincidence. I once, with a friend at school, Bert we drove i was obsessed with uh the prisoner that patrick mcguin yes well i'll see so he he got a car when he was 17 this man so we um we drove to

port marion which is where the prisoner was filmed yeah and i remember we drove it was, it would be early evening, I suppose, and we drove into Wales. And we were driving through these green, green, we were in the valleys, there was these green, green hills. And halfway up the hills, there was like cloud clinging to the hills, this grey cloud. And it looked really weird that it was on the hills. And that's what Tom reminds me of now. And it's odd because he's from Wales. Yeah. And he looks like the craggy hillside with the grey cloud clinging to it.

He looks like Paul Merion from a distance. Well, yeah. Well, he looks like the Welsh hills. Anyway, so I felt a bit bad about Jules. He's alright. Yeah, he's done alright. He's got the black jacket, suit jackets and the t-shirt. Yeah, he's got

that, certainly. And he's got that big gesture he does when he introduces a band. Oh, yeah. He does a little turn. I like that. On the shades front, whatever happened to those clip-on ones that people used to have? Do you remember that? You used to put them over your normal spectacles.

Yes. They were very back-of-the-Daily Express offer. Yeah, they were. And you could flick them up as well and wear them up like you were a poker player. They'd be good on for pilots as well. I'd like to do that. That would work for me. I wonder if you can still get those.

But I need normal glasses. I can't just have the clip-ons with nothing. It would be a balancing extravaganza. I noticed the pilot in Sri Lanka, he had some good shades. Did he? Well, they need them, don't they? Oh, God, yeah. They'd probably get them gratis. Yeah, you'd be worried if you'd gone in and that's all that's been like.

You want something a bit more... What if they had one of those sun strips with their names on? That'd be great. We haven't heard from anybody with one of those, by the way. I would have thought the same people that had the love bites might have them. Yeah, you'd think so. I haven't seen one for ages.

I think maybe they've gone. There'd be a great opportunity now in this age of enlightenment with the civil partnerships and gay marriage to have the ones with men's names on them, and, you know, two women's names and stuff. I haven't seen that. People just don't think. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had various texts in regarding sunglasses. Oh, good. A few of them offering me the best website to buy them at for a discount, so we won't advertise those. But thank you, I might write them down.

I think those people might be involved with the website. Maybe, yeah. But I may do some writing down and, you know, internet browsing, see what the thrifty sites are for the... Yeah, we don't involve ourselves in the verbal advertising. We just don't do it. No. In fact, you don't even accept freebies, so I'm surprised that you got 19 free pairs. Yeah. You frequently

said don't send stuff. Well, your problem is you're so money supermarket dot com you don't even know it. Maybe that is my problem. Yeah. But we had a text from 486 saying, got my clip-on shades on holiday in Vegas. Oh, they do exist, eh?

Mirrored, polarised, cut to shape of my own glasses, dot, dot, dot. Wow. Changed my glasses a year ago. Clips on look a bit weird now. Oh, I love the sound. They sound good, don't they? I hope they're slightly smaller than his glasses rather than bigger. That would look hot, wouldn't it?

Do you know, they're such an aphrodisiac. I'll tell you what they look like an aphrodisiac nothing's hotter smoking hot if you can imagine those like the square glasses and these little what it'll look a bit like those um dishwasher tablets like he's wearing a pair of those that would be odd i think we can accept that would be odd if you get several smaller ones they could look like that thing at the opticians You know where they just put the little Oh God I love those Do you like the time I go to the opticians

I do a bit of countdown two from the bottom one from the top Every time they put those glasses That they take the slides in Every time in my head I'm thinking Rocket man I never say it I never say it You can't sing it because your chin's on that chin rest thing.

Oh, you are. Yeah. Any others? What else did we have? Oh, we had Dear Frank M and Alan, I had my bottom pinched at the temple of the tooth while looking at the tooth itself. Oh, because I was referring to that in Buddha's Tooth in Sri Lanka.

My boyfriend chased the culprit out of the building. High drama, 1999. Oh, I love that film. Yeah. It's a terrible, terrible story. It didn't happen to me. Thanks a lot. I'd like to talk about Dinshaw. Do you know about Dinshaw? We need to talk about Dinshaw as the famous book girl. Dinshaw,

Bollywood remake. He's the 69 year old Indian tycoon and he's been advertising for a wife. So instead of going on Guardian Soulmates, what he did, he took out an advert. £15,000 advert. Yeah, £15,000.

Where was the advert then? Times of India. Oh, OK. Be careful, because they own Absolute Radio. Oh, do they? Yes. Never forget. Can I say they're very marvellous organisers.

Thanks for the new carpets. Yeah, new carpets. I just sent the carpet, man. I shall miss the gaffer tape. Yeah. And the old one. He gave it like he man, I shall miss the gaffer tape. Yeah. And the old one. He gave it like he had a sort of leather finish. Oh, yeah.

So the headline for his ad was, he is a great guy, wish to marry him. You know, he kept it simple and I like that. I love it. I love the syntax. I love everything about that headline. He's a great guy, wish to marry him. 69.

Okay. I'm guessing he was looking for someone a little younger i'll tell you exactly what he was looking for alan i thought you said you were gonna no he was looking for you alan all right he said you should be no older than 40 and be a vegetarian okay um he says two or three people were nice people because he's done some interviews but i've met some he's met some ladies he says but i place a lot of emphasis on the figure. Okay. He actually goes out of his way in the article to say that,

as far as he's concerned, the face doesn't really matter so much as the body. Like a young lad who's out on the pull with his mates. He's like, I'm not bothered about the face, it's all about the body. He's like one of those, but he's 69 and a millionaire. Look at it here, he says that he met some of the the women but he was put off and i quote put off by their fat bottoms to be fair apparently he does a lot of unicycling holidays right it's not practical i don't i'm not sure you get to choose what the figure's like at that age darling good point i think once you get to know what's he doing up on that age anyway if he's

you think he'd go like 20s if he's that rich if he's 69 like what yeah why go 40 and childless surely he wants 25 and and ready to breed with i just imagine he's had he doesn't want kids at that age i can't believe he's had any problem in you know there must be an organisation that puts... UNESCO. That puts older men in touch with young, you know, rich men in touch with young, attractive women. As I'm saying this, I'm thinking, I hope my girlfriend hasn't just switched

on at that moment. Sugardaddies.com. Yeah, exactly. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Din Shah Bimadalal. Yeah. We were talking about him.

He's the 69-year-old tycoon. Can I ask, what is a tycoon exactly? It's a very old-fashioned word, isn't it? Does it just mean rich, or has it got a specific... It means in a business sense, generally a tycoon, I think. I did like his excuse for stopping working, though. What did he say? He said, I've made so much money, I'm super rich,

and I no longer need to work. I think more people should do that. Yeah, I do. Because you get people on the telly and stuff saying, well, you know, I haven't got as much as you think. And you think, no, you are a very rich person, just fess up. But also, it's good that somebody doesn't pretend that, oh, I like going in every day, I still really enjoy the actual graft.

Just go, no, I've made enough, I'm not bothered now, I'm just going to ride motorbikes and drive speedboats. I still don't know what a tycoon is, though. No, true. He does say, you must speak English and have done your basic schooling. Well, that's just a rule, isn't it? I'm not an assistant on that, to be honest. No, he's Fosse, as it turns out.

I think he's just trying to narrow it down, though, because the fact that he said, and don't be a vegetarian, he lives in India and about a third of the population... Oh, he doesn't want a vegetarian. He doesn't want a vegetarian. He wants somebody that he can have a steak dinner with. He's probably a big fan of Steak Diane or something. I imagine.

Like he's dating in the 80s. He probably likes a chicken berry land as well. He loves a Black Forest Gatot. Exactly. That's his favourite. I think don't be a vegetarian is just saying, well, let's immediately get rid of a third of the population. It's like that sales thing, isn't it?

He's funnelling the population down. Be under 40, childless. He's just getting rid of a third of the population. It's like that sales thing, isn't it? He's funnelling the population down. Be under 40, childless, he's just getting rid of... Well, he's entitled to be Fosse. He's got the money, hasn't he? He's a tycoon, whatever that is. You never get moguls anymore. What happened to mogul? Media mogul.

Oh, he's in the Jungle Book. Yeah, but there is... You never hear anyone described as a mogul. And also, from my my childhood the plutocrat oh what happened to them do you know what Frank the oligarch is all now it's all about the oligarch I wonder if Walt Disney was a plutocrat

because he made his money from well it's funny you should mention Walt Disney because something funny was going to happen eventually three hours it took 2.36 Darren and Somerset emailed us during the week Dan Something funny was going to happen eventually. Three hours. We gave it two and a half, didn't we? It took two thirty-six. Darren and Somerset emailed us during the week. Dan.

No, Darren. Oh, sorry, Darren. I'm sorry. Did you say sorry, darling, or sorry, Darren? No, I said sorry, Darren. I didn't say sorry, darling. Oh, OK. Darlings, can you get on with this?

I'm sorry, darling. Hi there, Frank, Emily and Alan. On Saturday, you remarked upon how unlikely it would be for a real person to be called Donald Duck. Yeah, I think that's a reasonable assumption. Yeah. Well, 20 years ago, I worked at a printing company in Wales with a man named Precisely That. When he phoned our customers...

That is an unusual name. Precisely That. Yeah. Was he one of the Newport Thats? Yeah. When he phoned our customers to check their orders, they would put the phone down on him, thinking it was a prank call. He did the voice, though.

I had to phone them back and tell them that we really did have a man named Donald Duck. Incidentally, my friend went to school with a girl named Wendy House. With my very best wishes, Darren. Can I say that every time one mentions a funny name a load of people say oh yeah my mate went to school with somebody yeah

and I don't believe any of it don't you I mean I'm hoping there was a Donald Duck but I bet there wasn't a Wendy House it's a friend and all that kind of stuff. I'll be at Al Faisal now for years. Did you tell a lie? I think you did.

Whenever these conversations happened, I would claim that I went to school with a kid called Martin Martin. And I didn't. Did you? I just didn't. So I went to school with a kid called Martin, which hardly is remarkable. So anyone I told that lie to, I'm never publicly apologising for. What I'm basically saying,

I don't think there's anyone with funny names. What about Neville Neville? The parent of the Nevilles? His face is a mess, apparently. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Donald Duck. Yeah. I have to say, I'm quite a fan of Donald Duck.

Yeah? I think he's much underestimated. I much prefer him to the mouse. Do you? Yeah, and not many people do see him. He's like the secondary figure at Disney. I think Donald Duck, he loves his curves, doesn't he? He's got a big...

He's quite Kardashian. He's got a lot of junk in the trunk. Yeah. And just wears a small jacket, of course. Very sexy. Yeah. But he... Don't you do that at night time?

Pyjama top only. No, that's true. No bottoms. I do. It's just a... It's a really weird combination, by the way. I take a Donald Duck approach. I must sling a small sailor tunic that I just wear out in the house on its own.

And a hat, obviously. But he's more edgy than Mickey. Mickey was quite a soft character. What do you think? He was a bit more Nirvana. Well, he was quite an aggressive character, whereas you never saw that with Mickey. And also? He was a bit more Nirvana. Well, he was quite an aggressive character. Oh, right. You never saw that with Mickey. And also...

He's a bit of Emu. No, no. Donald Duck had definite bipolar tendencies, I always thought. He starred in Der Fuhrer's Face. Are you aware of that cartoon? No. It was basically an anti-nazi cartoon

featuring Donald Duck was it? and based on the song Dare Fuhrer's Face are you familiar with Dare Fuhrer's Face? no it's a very fine I've got a little extract actually

I thought I'd surprise you with this this is by Spike Jones who did a lot of sort of funny music stuff. This is the song. When the Fuhrer says, we is the master race, we hile, hile, right in the Fuhrer's face, not to love the Fuhrer, it's a great disgrace, so we hile, hile, right in the Fuhrer's face.

And Donald Duck stars in this film, which has got more Hitler jokes than you have ever... He lives in a house that looks like Hitler. When the cuckoo comes out the clock, it does a Hitler salute. It's got... It's the most... It's on YouTube. Look it up. And I just think it's brilliant that... Could you imagine SpongeBob SquarePants leading the war against terrorism?

No. It's gone. Well, as soon as there were some stairs in the way, he couldn't climb up and could... Exactly. He'd be on the wooden bench. Too absorbent. I've always said that about SpongeBob.

That's his problem. He's got no waist, either, and I can't bear someone without a waist. You're right. It's like that cleaner that Sylvester Stallone had a relationship with, a very similar build. SpongeBob. Yes.

Dave from London has texted us, speaking as a 60-year-old non-millionaire or sugar daddy, I would recommend the Indian businessman gets out and about and meets people rather than advertising. I can honestly say, this is a 60-year-old says, I would recommend the Indian businessman gets out and about and meets people rather than advertising. I can honestly say, this is a 60-year-old says, I haven't dated anybody older than 35 for the past 10 years. Sorry, Emily.

Tell the millionaire boy to try dance clubs. He sounds nice. He sounds lovely. I think he's being matter-of-fact. No, I admire his honesty. I'm just told we don't have to ever have dinner with him. See? Nobody's a lively character.

See, they keep you young. That's the truth. Frank prefers the duck because he doesn't twang for the mouse. Well remembered. A tweeter. Should I explain that? That was a conversation Nick Lowe told me that Rye Cooter had said to his agent, Rye Cooter was offered

something like a million dollars to play at Euro Disney and he said I don't twang for the mouse. Loved it. Went bankrupt the month after but that's not the point that you're making. No, better to have your honour. Yeah, yeah. We also had an email in. Hi Frank,

Alan and Emily. I recently stumbled upon your show on the podcasts. On one show Frank said that people from the south can't make tea. Did I say that? It sounds like a sweeping generalisation but we'll see. I consider myself a complete

southerner having never lived north of London and only had brief forays into the north. I make an excellent cup of tea and there is an exact order that should never be deviated from. Tea bag, water, tea bag out, milk, then sugar. Tea bag and milk should never, he's gone bold type there, combine. How does Frank make his? The only thing worse than it being made in the wrong order

is people who take it upon themselves to decide they won't give you sugar in your tea because they don't have any. I do that. Despite asking you if you want any and acknowledging that you do, have you encountered this? Yes, I've done it. I wasn't going to make a knight's move. I think I'm too young at 22.

Au contraire. However, I am. You don't sound too young at 22-year-old with very firm views on how to make tea. Yes, exactly. I think you're a middle-aged man at heart. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I have just heard Emily's Australian accent, and it was magical.

So if you ever find yourself in Southampton and fancy a student night out, I'm your man. He does say he realises that isn't the most appealing offer, Charlie. This is an interesting thing that the milk and the bag should never come into. Oh, I agree. Oh, I totally agree. No, you see, I put the milk and the bag in together, and sometimes if I'm called away,

when I go back, the milk has completely taken the colour of the tea before the water's even been introduced. I hate seeing the bag in there. Yeah, it's like a sort of bitter Nesquik. Doesn't it stop the tea coming out of the milk, of the bag though? Does it? Once you've soaked it. What about the little perforations? The milk's a little

sealant though, isn't it? No. It's kind of a sealing. Is milk a sealant? I think it is in this instance. Well, that's one of the great philosophical questions. Yeah. That would have been a great texting if we thought of it that way. Is milk a sealant? Is milk a sealant? That's our texting this week.

That would have been. Now for the science bit. My mum used to, when we had guests, would give them tea and say, there's two sugars in there. If you don't like sugar, don't stir it. Nice. I never worked out why she put it in, but she just did.

Can you still get the drawstring tea bag? Oh, yes. Do they still exist? I think you can get those. I don't know. I'll have to ask my tea maker. It's good to keep in touch with these things if you can.

You know what? If the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week with new carpet to walk on about that, new sunglasses maybe we'll see how that goes and thank you so much for listening we love you now get out.