The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Massai Titles

Episode Date: November 12, 2011

Frank, Alun and Laura have an eclectic array of topics in this week's podcast with chat about TV pun names, Massai titles and hospital auctions.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! Wow.

Love a bit of a ramshackle ending. That was the Atlas Sound with Lightworks. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Laura Solon. Yes, she's back. Last week she replaced the cockerel. And this week Dino is absent. Indeed.

So you certainly are, Laura, a bona fide. Friend of the show! It's nice that that's played when somebody's actually here, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. That's normally played in their absence. It'd be awkward if you didn't play that. You had something else to do. Well, you're beyond friend now.

I think you're a blood brother. Do people still do the old blood... I remember doing that at school. Yeah. I imagine there's a health and safety rule about it. Yeah, and there're a blood brother. Do people still do the old blood? I remember doing that at school. Yeah, I imagine there's a health and safety rule about it. Yeah, and there's a hepatitis. Yeah, you can't play conkers. I don't imagine they're allowed to cut themselves and do that. They can't slash their wrists and hold them together anymore.

Oh, all the old ways of dying. Yeah, it's in so many ways. It's about eight different health and safety red lights, that one. By the way, you can text us on 81215 about anything, but we might ask you for specifics later. At the moment, you know, you've got your own free sort of, you can freeform it like some crazy old jazz cat. I shouldn't be surprised if somebody texts in saying,

well, actually, I'm blood brothers with someone else. You know, there'll be some of that. There'll be a bit of that going on. Oh, yeah, they like to contribute, don't they? Yeah, I suspect it's died out. There might be people... It's before social networking, isn't it? It was Facebook.

Isn't that Facebook? Wrist book. Actually, some use the wrist. Some use just the thumb. Who use the wrist? Yeah, some use that. Yeah, some use the wrist, some use just the thumb. Who use the wrist? Really? Yeah. Some of the thinner kids who haven't got much pumping going on, they have to go for the main artery.

Extreme blood bluddering. With a tourniquet. You did say brotherhood then, didn't you? It was a horrible mix which frightened me somewhat. Yeah, I remember me and my cousin cutting our thumbs and holding them together.

And if your cousin's your blood brother, it gets extremely complicated. You're allowed to marry your cousin, aren't you? I think you're allowed to marry your blood brother, aren't you? I think so, yeah. Well, you are now, anyway, let's face it. That's progress. I was...

Speaking of my brothers in comedy, I was watching... Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was... Well, speaking of my brothers in comedy, I was watching... Were we? Yeah, I was speaking about brotherhood generally. I was watching Mastermind last night. Oh. It was a children in need special with comedians. Ah. They're everywhere, aren't they nowadays?

What, comedians? Yeah. Too many, do you think? I think, we're a wash with them all. Tipping point. Radios. This used to be, you know, this used to be somebody, you know, in the past. This time of the morning, you put the radio on,

you'd be like, hi, good morning, we've got Dave on the line. Dave, had a good night last night? Yeah, yeah, Steve, I got ready to talk. Ha, ha, did you, Dave? That's what people want. Yeah, yeah. They don't want this. Jokes and stuff like that.

Shut up with your jokes. Let's talk to Dave. That's what everyone's shouting at home. Anyway, it was an array of comedians. Jared Christmas did Transformers the early years, which was very... Is that what he picked? He did, yeah, but he was so good at it

that he kind of made himself laugh. I think just to hear John Humphreys... Have to ask those questions. ..talking about Atticus... Was it Atticus Prime? Optimus Prime. I'm not much of a Transformer man. He's also very interested in custard, I believe, Jared. I think he knows about different...

Very interested. I wish he'd done that. Anyway, Russell Kane. We know about people. Russell Kane won. Did he he knows about different... Very interested. I wish he'd done that. Anyway, Russell Cain. We know about people. Russell Cain won. Did he? Yeah, on Evelyn War. Really?

It's quite a serious thing. It struck me. I was looking at Russell Cain, and it struck me for the first time. If ever they do EastEnders the movie, he could play the young Dot Cotton. Yeah. Yeah.

I haven't totally seen that. Yeah. Seeming the totally see that. Yeah. Seeming the steamer swathed in the stream of the laundrette. I'm not sure if that movie has gone beyond planning stage. They did it with Coronation Street, didn't they? A sort of early years thing. Oh, did they? It was very, it wasn't a movie, it was a TV thing.

But it was very popular. Oh, sounds good. Oh, God, yeah. I was Albert Tatlock. I might be able to hurt you didn't very popular. Oh, sounds good. Oh, God, yeah. I was Albert Tatlock. I might be a hurt you didn't see it. Oh, sorry. Feel bad I missed it then. So I... What else? What would you pick

if you were doing celebrity... My specialist subject. I fear I'd go a bit Route 1 and go for West Bromwich Albion Football Club. Because I was on the verge of doing it a couple of times, Celebrity Mastermind, and then something else has turned up. And that's always where I thought I'd go, play safe. Do they give you rules about what you can and can't play?

Well, my Ling class had Series 1 of Sex in the City, so probably not very strict rules. She had the alphabet. Yeah, honestly. I wish she'd had the alphabet or I should have been sticking her neck out I was off last week Frank and I have a question

have you managed to replace your watch strap yet it's been plaguing me well I know that it's there for you to do. I'll be honest, I feel a bit guilty. No, nothing. I'm holding up my bare wrist to reveal that I have not... It's like some kind of salute to us.

I like the idea it's become a... Because the watch strap has gone, I don't have a watch obviously, but I like the idea that the watch might have been there on its own. You've thrown the baby out with the bathwater there. Well, it's... I just can't secure it in any other fashion than with a strap. Because I feel guilty, because this week I've ordered a watch strap because I've got a metal one and I fancied a leather one

and I've ordered one and felt a pang of, I know Frank's been meaning to order himself a watch strap. And then I thought, what's happened to me that I'm now worried about Frank's shopping tax instead of my own? I dream of a metal one. Do you? Yeah, I'd love to have a metal, like a proper man's watch strap, but I've got very, very thin wrists indeed.

Me too, I think that might be it. That's why I've gone off this one. Yeah, if I had a metal one, I'd have to... You know when you pretend that you're on the phone and you extend your thumb and little finger out and on them? I'd have to have my hand like that all the time just to keep the watch on but they trap the little hairs on your arm they do trap little hairs i've heard that yeah i know because i used to wear one as a belt yeah that's

how they become a bracelet if they're not tight enough it's a fine line between a watch and a jimmy yeah i don't i don't want to be chasing the face of the watch around my wrist you know what i mean trying to find it yeah baggy so uh but what i've been doing to be honest is um dropping hints about because i've been on i've done two tv series at the moment and i've had a few like opening night opportunities and stuff and i thought i'll just say oh this is driving me mad not having a watch and i thought this will so this uh i started a new series this week and um i said oh god this is gonna be this series i know i'm gonna get through without a watch so come the uh come the opening night um on my desk in the dressing room there there was like this long, it was like a tube, a cardboard tube about a foot long.

And I thought, it's a strange container for a watch. But maybe, maybe there's like a sort of polystyrene forearm inside it. And it comes out and it's on the wrist of that. And I opened it and it was, it was a horse's head letter opener. No. It's not anything like a watch. No, apparently I'd mentioned it on the radio show last week that I'd like to get a letter opener.

I'd scoff at myself with a casual offhand remark. You did like the idea of a letter opener. I did, so now I've got a letter opener, but no watch. Because I managed to finally solve a task that's been bugging me for weeks. In fact, no, months. Since June, when I got my iPhone, people have been saying,

you really need to get a case for that, because you know it's made of glass, and I've been thinking, yeah, I'll get a case for it. Is it made of glass? Apparently they're made of glass. Both sides of it is glass. That's why it's so shiny. Is that right?

It's like a slipper. And it's also why so many people smash them by dropping them repeatedly. And then I priced them up. This sounds really stingy. But it was seven quid for just the plastic case. You know, those sort of trendy ones that look like a cassette tape. Can I say this is a very cockerel moment?

Seven quid. I know. But then yesterday, delighted, the price sensitive point became fine. I saw one that was five quid and it had an armband thing for sport and I thought well that's added value and it's both less money and it does one more thing. So I got it.

I could only find ones in the region of 15 to 20. Because they brand them. That's where they make their money. This is where they make their money. I'm going to sound like a very old Yorkshire man now. What, again? You're paying for the name there.

You always sound like a very old Yorkshire man. Talking about. No, I have a whole, I need to get round to sort out the, I'm realised that I can't trust other people. So I have to, for a start-off, I have to get to the chiropodist soon. I keep putting that off. And, no, I've got so much excess skin on the soles of my feet. Are you taller?

Yeah, I've got sort of platform soles. Like a Tom Cruise elevator. No, it's actually... It's going out sideways. I look like... You know when you get a tight soldier on a base? Yes. I'm sort of on a base of my own skin. Oh, well that's nice. Is this another hint? Are you asking for some

chiropodic outcomes or something? No, I'm asking for some secateurs, I think is what I need. I need to trim it off. Like when you take a plastic soldier sometimes off, like a, you know you get like a strip of soldiers and you take them off and there's still a bit of excess plastic round the

side. If you've said anything that our listeners have been meaning to get round to for a long time and haven't done it, they can text us in and let us know what that was. It's so easy, isn't it, to put things off, don't you find? Oh, yes. Yeah. Take, for example, sorting out the Greek economy.

I mean, you know, get on with it, is my advice. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Somebody's spotted something nice. We've had a text in from 443, Julian Liverpool, who said, spotting your colourful apparel, Frank. Little red riding hoodie. Apparel? Yeah. See, I'd say apparel. Oh, would you? Yeah. Oh, okay. And it's interesting

because it's from American apparel. So is it from American apparel or is it from American apparel? I prefer apparel. Yeah, I'm thinking high chaparral. Do you remember high chaparral? Yeah. No? No, I don't think I do. It was a TV show from the...

It has been quite a long time ago, actually. Was it a cowboy thing? Oh, yeah, God. Oh, God. I saw a cowboy thing the other day. You forget how comforting watching a cowboy film is. I've watched cowboy films all day. I've done it.

I have watched them all day. As a child, I used to put a cushion over the arm of the sofa and watch them as if I was in the saddle. Oh, nice. But I find now I can't get my leg all the way down like I used to be able to. Side saddle. You thought about side saddle? I think side saddle.

I feel I'd have to wear an elaborate gown to justify it. Ringlet to your hair. Yeah, exactly. I would be the sort of woman coming from the east who's married the westerner and he's now taking her to his to his ranch and i'd arrive like that with the locals thinking of this fine lady and one girl like a sort of rough and ready but beautiful young girl who lives in who thought that she'd marry him absolutely hates the side of him but eventually

they come become friends oh that's like a wonderful movie. If I get that movie, I'm going to watch it in the bonnet, and I'm going to have one of those little parasails over my shoulder. That feels like an extended treatment you've got in your drawer for that film. Or as the Cocker would call them, a parasol. Parasol.

So, we were talking about things we've been meaning to get round to, and we just haven't. You know what's been plaguing me? I'm not bragging, I'm an owner of a Vespa scooter. And when I lived in London four years ago, I used to scoot around on it and since I moved to Manchester, I've not used it. And last year, about this time, I got a guy to service it

and got the battery changed and everything and then I've just left it again because I don't use it. And last year, about this time, I got a guy to service it and got the battery changed and everything, and then I've just left it again, because I don't use it in Manchester. And it becomes quite a logistical annoyance, because I need to do, like, the CBT, you know, the little bike test thing, to get licensed on it again. Does that run out? Yeah, it runs out. Unless you do the full motorbike test, it runs out every couple of years.

That's a good idea. That's what the driving test should be like. You should have to take it every two years. Absolutely. You really should. Yeah. I was driving the other day and someone was lost in front of me. You know when you see a car sort of waver around?

Drunk or lost. No, well, that's what I was thinking until I passed it and it was... Drunk or lost. That's how I like my women. Drunk or lost. That's how I like my women. I overtook and it was a Muslim woman who was lost, but she'd stuck her iPhone into her headdress to use it as a hands-free thing. It was brilliant.

It was a perfect juxtaposition of old and new. Really good. What a marvellous image. Yeah, fantastic. I loved it. loved it but yeah the vespa's been plaguing me and even now as i'm saying i used to love their beef curry oh they were the best not the muslims the vespa now now now now there's been an email it's kind of a bit No, no, no, no, no. An email from James Oakes, which says,

Hello, Frank, the delightful Emily, obviously he's not here at the moment, and the cockerel. Inspired by Frank's oft-mentioned comment that Winton's Wonderland was only commissioned for the title and the cockerel bringing up desperate scousewives two weeks ago. Can I point out before we go on that I wasn't after Dale Winton in a savage way here. I just said that some TV shows only get made

because they've got a pun in the title. That is my belief. Good title. Commission. Yeah, exactly. So some of my work were a bit of bitterness I thought. James some of his work was reallocated to the creation of the following TV show ideas.

Okay, so James, just come up with some. Yeah, for you. Well, and for all of your team. Saints and Skinner. Frank tells the stories behind some of his favourite saints. Or... I could do that. I could do that.

Some of his favourite saints. Or Frank and Ian St John tell the stories behind some of their favourite saints. I should say Ian St John, in case you don't know, was a footballer. He used to be a presenter and was known as Saint. I don't know what his religious persuasion is. So you're quite into that one. Next one. Skinners, thinners.

Frank meets slimming champions and learns some of their tricks of the trade or it's a 1940s themed sitcom with Frank as a lovable roguish door-to-door solvent salesman Both could be made Both are good Easily Forest of Dean

a documentary charting the trials and tribulations as Emily becomes the new chairperson of Nottingham Forest FC Now that would work because I've always thought Emily is a bit like Karen Brady. She has that look about her. All right, well, I didn't know if that was a reference

to her looking a bit like Nigel Clough as well. Oh, yeah, of course. That has been pointed out. Yeah, mainly by her. Yes, indeed. And then the last one is, The Cockerel Crows, a morning TV show with Alan as the main host, or a sitcom based on Alan's attempts to keep afloat a struggling pet shop specialising in corvids.

Lovely use of the word corvid there. Corvids, I am enjoying that, yes. Many points allocated for the use of corvids. I've got one for you, Frank. Go on. Skinner his teeth. Frank tries to avoid custodial sentences for minor criminal offenses yeah and he gets away with things by the skin of his teeth i thought that's going to be some terrible thing about my

horrible yellow teeth i've got one i've got one here for um for you and it's uh it's a documentary about your life laura right but it's one of the... It's quite short. It's presented by David Soule. And it's called Soule on Soule on. That's done. I think that's done. Yeah, I think that'd be great. I thought of a good one for you as well, called Soule on Farewell,

where a suicidal Laura Soule goes around saying goodbye to everyone in her life. Not much of a second series potential. No, well, the end of the first series is a one-way flight to Switzerland, that's it. It's done. And one for me was maybe me investigating metals

called Alan and Minion. What do you think of that? That's absolutely sensational. One for Emily could be Dean and Not Heard, where she either works as a mime artist or spends a week as a Victorian child. Well, the idea of her not speaking might have made me slightly surprised. I thought we could have Alan Cochran investigates American politics

and he spends the whole thing in Washington talking to politicians and stuff. And it's called ACDC. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. So on the subject of titles for TV shows, I have a series called Frank Skinner's Opinionated which I was quite pleased with because it's a clever use of the word apostrophe it's an ambiguous apostrophe

is it a programme called Opinionated that belongs to Frank Skinner or is Frank Skinner Opinionated? nice is it a little bit of both? I originally wanted to call it Skinnerama and it was turned down by the BBC. They thought that people would tune in expecting investigative journalism

and get only lewd remarks. Well, we had a text in who spotted the same programme that I spotted as soon as I saw this on the TV the other day. 712, Dear Frank, Laura and the Cockerel, as fans of the celebrity-named pun-based TV show, I want to get your opinion on Aid in Britain, which is Aid Edmondson goes around Britain. Yeah, you can see what they've done there.

Is that it? That's the end of it? I thought you were going to describe something special that he does. He just goes around Britain. He goes around Britain. I saw a bit of it the other day, and he was making a pie. He's making a pie with some people in Britain. I don't know if he always makes things, like the pun is on made, but it's Aide in Britain.

I see something he has to make. I don't know. Aide in Taiwan is series two. Well, that's because things are made all over the place. They are now. So, yeah, there's loads of spin- all over the place. They are now, yeah. So, yeah, there's loads of spin-offs. He's going to have a heavily stamped passport at the end of this run, isn't he?

Well, not if he goes through our border control. I actually think it'll remain fairly untouched, the chances are. So, what else? As a keen fan of a bargain... Oh, God, Are we back there? I saw a thing this week Where the entire contents of a hospital Are up for auction Oh yeah I saw that

And I got quite excited Because I'd quite like one of those beds That you can move up and down And then just lean it forward and back Do you know what I mean? I do You know they've got a little button on the side wouldn't that be quite good if if like if you're at normal sofa level watching the telly and the

dog sometimes my dog starts up biting at one of those like like gummy shoe things and she'll really scratch away and you think i can barely even hear the telly and occasionally i have to pick up the thing that she's chewing and just chuck it at the other end be quite good to just press the button and move the bed up to, like, eight feet high and just watch the telly where I couldn't hear the dog. That'd be all right, wouldn't it? It's an interesting way of...

Of solving the problem. I remember I used to go out with a photographer and she used to keep this Staffordshire Bull Terrier in her studio and when she went into the darkroom to do a bit of developing, she used to give it one of those squeaky toys. Well, they're quite hard dogs, Staffordshire Bull Terrier. This was in the days before they were overtaken by idiots who own them now. Then they were owned by people from the West Midlands.

But anyway, so she could hear this... HEARING DOGS HEARING DOGS HEARING DOGS HEARING DOGS HEARING DOGS from the West Midlands. But anyway, so she could hear this, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, for about ten minutes as he constantly bit at this thing. And she said there was the moment, the moment when she knew he'd broken through. When she'd, hee, hee, hee, fff, fff, fff. It's a terrible moment when you know the toy's gone.

Dead, it'll never squeak again. I'd love, I tell you what I'd really like, is a nice set of them stirrups. But, you see, second hand, as they put it, second hand is also the same as used. And that's the problem with any hospital items. But that's all right, because the stirrups only really have a sort of... Are they for your sofa horse? I dread to ask why. Well, I just... Stirrups. You know, a nice set of gynaecological stirrups only really have a sort of... Are they for your sofa horse? I dread to ask why.

Well, I just... Stirrups. You know, a nice set of gynecological stirrups on a hot day. On a picnic. Get the fan on. I'm there in my pyjama jacket. Oh, that's soothing. I think that'd be fine.

Frank. Frank. that'll be fine. Frank, Frank, Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So I didn't mean it, the people from the West Midlands. They were developed in Staffordshire, the Staffordshire Malt area. And everyone I knew had one were really lovely people. But since I've moved to London, the only people I see with them are... Scary.

The sort of people that you wish the Staffordshire Bull Terrier would start eating its way along the lead. And eventually consume them. Like Lady and the Tramp with the spaghetti, but just a sinister ending. But in a sort of mending broken Britain policy from the animal kingdom. The dog bites back. Oh, actually, Laura Solon, we've just had a text come in about another TV programme for yourself. Solon on colons. Solon talks to colonoscopy patients about their favourite punctuation marks.

That is brilliant. I really like the twist at the end there. I thought it was done. Who's it from? Roald Dahl. I really like the twist at the end there. I thought it was done. Who's it from? Roald Dahl. I'd love that going round. Well done, 437 there. Colin, I'll ask for your patience.

They think I'm going to discuss their recent procedure, and I'm not bothered at all. They just want to know about the thing about the code on them. He could do both. Frank would probably be trying to buy their stirrups, wouldn't he? We were talking about this hospital in Tombridge Wells. It's selling. Everything must go. Yeah. Closing down sale.

I was in a hospital a couple of weeks ago, not as a patient, as a visitor. And I noticed that the bottom of the bed... You know they have a guard on the bottom of the bed so people don't just slip off into the oil and block the trolleys. I certainly blocked my trolleys when I was in there. There's some terrifying things. Anyway, the guard got the brand name on it

and it was called the Avant Guard. I thought, a pawn on a piece of hospital equipment. And quite a highfalutin pond, isn't it? Yeah. And then someone brought, I saw a bedpan, and I thought, really, wouldn't it be brilliant if this was made by a company called Pano Chocolat? And then I thought, no, actually,

no, actually, it wouldn't. It'd be terrible. Would you actually buy anything, though, from a hospital? Or would you be freaked out by it? I think that I would maybe buy an X-ray machine because I lose my keys a lot in my bag. Yeah? And it really annoys my husband because I just lose them.

And I say, I can't find them anywhere. And they're in your bag? Yeah, it would stop this whole half-hour panic. It'd be an expensive way to solve the problem quite a dangerous one yeah you'd have to drink a lot of guineas to replace your red corpuscles or a defibrillator just to check if it's the same as two travel irons yeah because it always looked that way on casualty it does look like do you think you could do toasties with a defibrillator oh yeah, yeah. Just make a sandwich and... I'd love it. It'd be great just for creeping up behind people for a bit of a joke.

Whoa! You, character. I would like that. I would... I'll tell you what would be perfect for me, obviously, is the nurse watch. Oh, yeah. You know the nurse watch that hangs upside down

from the chest, and they just... Are they allowed those still? Don't they get covered in germs? Do they not exist anymore? No, I think they have them because the wristwatch is less hygienic than the chestwatch. The boo watch.

I don't think a nurse could have a wristwatch. I'm sort of working it out now from watching All Creatures Great and Small. I don't know if it's quite the same in a human being hospital. For some reason, when you moved your hand that way, I knew that All Creatures Great and Small was about to be discussed. Exactly. Yeah, you should know what I'm on about.

Nurses used to... Maybe they still do. There'll be nurses listening, I'm sure. I can feel the MRI coming through the speakers. MRI, is that what it's called? MRSA. MRSA. MRI is a that what it's called? MRSA. MRSA. MRI is a big machine thing, isn't it?

Yeah. I've made a complete fool of myself. No. I'll just claim that dyslexia thing what other people do when they make mistakes. That'll be all right. Anyway, the upside-down watch that they wear on their tunic, do they pick it up to look at the time,

or do they just look... Is the idea that nurses will be sufficiently busty to lift it up to an angle where they can just look down and read it but they have to they have to be busted to get the gig yeah well they did on carry on nurse but yeah that could be the answer with the uh the strap yeah you get bustier well i didn't get bustier. Well, I didn't get bustier. I could just take hormones. I could just work on the left one. Or you start wearing three-piece suits and go for the old gentleman's pocket watch.

Oh, yeah. I've often wondered about the pocket watch. That would work for you, I think. Can I say, by the way, on the thing about dropping hints about watches, I'm not dropping hints to anyone listening to the show, or into a shop, or anything like that. I'm really not. to anyone listening to the show, shop or anything like that. I'm really not.

I hate people that go on the thing and drop hints. If you send one here to me free, it's a lovely gesture, I'll smash it to pieces. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I am with Alan Cochran. And I'm also with Laura Solon.

Sorry, we haven't actually got your jingle yet. Oh, no, I like it. I like that one. I'll do. Can I point, steer your attention to something that caught my eye? Look, are you going to point or are you going to steer? The Prince of Wales. Prince Charles. Duke of Cornwall. Prince and Great Steward of Scotland.

Is that what he is, the Great Steward of Scotland? According to this. I hope he wears a high-vis jacket. I hope so too. We take that sort of thing seriously. Keeps people back from the band. But he's been given another title in Tanzania by a Maasai tribe.

I'm not going to pronounce this right, but I'll have a go. They've called him Oloysiru Ngishi. There's Maasais listening to this now, thinking I've never heard such language in my life at this time of the morning. Although I'll be jumping up and down almost certainly.

And yeah, it literally translates as the one who makes cows cry. Well, I won't have them talking about our Queen of Hearts like that. That's outrageous. Who do these people think they are? I don't know what he's doing. I think it means cow helper, helper of cows, but it literally translates as the one who makes cows cry.

You're sure that wasn't James Herriot? He didn't help them, he made them cry, I should think. Or it was with a bar of soap, that awful bit where he soaped his arm. Oh, did he make it clean? He scrubbed it into the arm. Yeah, he scrubbed it. Yeah, so, no, I just think it's nice that he's going on the title. Perhaps that explains the...

I've had three cups of tea this morning that taste of soap. I couldn't drink any of them. And I was starting to think that Sarah, our assistant producer, honestly did wonder if she was trying to poison me. Because poisoners do exist. Yeah. You know. They're out there.

The community of the poisoners. Yeah, but there are poisoners. The marauding. Look at your history. Yeah. And, you know, often it's a slow process. They'd put a little bit in, a little bit in. bit in they just watch you disintegrate over a period of time you need to hire a work experience

that tastes all your food and drink before you do yeah but is that going to help? well not hire, like in medieval times that just means I'll take them with me I'm wondering if it's me but this soapy thing, sorry I will come back to the Maasai thing, but...

Are you implying that there's soapy? No, there is a... I get this... Do you ever get, when you have a knot sometimes, a Brazil knot and it just tastes of soap? Oh, yeah. Do you get that? What is that? I don't know. It's a strange one.

That would be my Maasai name, The man who distrusts nuts And I'm including the Brazils And Sarah Oh Sarah is currently just on her way back into the studio Going to send drinks now Well I'm not having one You see I'm just drinking water today

Not taking any risks on that I like the idea of a Masai name Can I say On the subject of knots which is coming up to christmas it will be topical i i was just thinking the other day i was looking at half a walnut because they're my favorite they're the queen of the knots for me the walnut and i was thinking i looked at half a walnut just lying down flat and i thought wouldn't that make a lovely doll's house turkey all right yeah for christ. A little tip there for your kids.

A brain. Or a brain, or a brain, depending on what your doll's house theme is. It's Frankenstein. Yeah, exactly. You've got to be perfect.

You've got a doll's house hospital and you want a brain and stirrups. Yeah, it's all there. Anyway, sorry, yeah, the Maasai. Yeah. So is that how

they're all named, the Maasai? Are they all named by things they've done? I don't know. This is like a leader position. But how did he make a cow cry? Chopping onions. Well, that's sly, isn't it?

That's what he does. Or is it that they milk the cow, so that makes it cry, but it's also the one who makes the cow happy, because surely they feel better after a milking. Surely. They feel relieved. Does he have much contact with cattle, though, Prince Charles? Well, he has them on his estate.

Doesn't he have the duchy estates? Oh, maybe, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but in what way does he make them cry? Is he generally abusive? Maybe they should have called him the one who makes expensive biscuits. Maybe that's what they should have called him, if he's the duchy of... those duchy biscuits. Yeah.

The one who makes deer sausages and you only get five. I don't. I don't if the mass size are veryutchie biscuits. Yeah. The one who makes deer sausages and you only get five. I don't know if the mass size is very big on the biscuits. They'd be good at donking though, wouldn't they? With the jumping up and down thing. They could put the tea in the table

at about a foot away, jump in with the donk and jump back out again. The trouble is you need a good sturdy biscuit. You probably need a Garibaldi or you'd have that thing when the whole thing dropped away.

I don't know. If you know what kind of biscuits the mass i favor text us on that one it's an investigation ongoing absolute radio with frank skinner well uh we had a text from 534 on the subject of those tv shows that are the name first and then commission. And Frankenstein. Frank kills Rick Stein and walks around in his skin. I don't know how many episodes I'm going to get out of that. Do I have to cook? Yeah, fish. What about if it's me?

He's always cooking fish. What about if it's me? You know, the comedy rant is one of the fashionable things. Yeah. Isn't it? And so it could be me. Every week I do a different thing that makes me really angry. And it could be called frankincensed.

Oh, now that's good. My manager actually wrote that down. Because there are lots of remakes of movies now, maybe you could remake 80s classic Inner Space, Skinner Space, and Martin Short travels around your body trying to stop... I think it was a virus in the end, wasn't it? Is Martin Short still operational, though? Is he operational?

Is he working? Martin Short? Well, he could be now. Yeah, get him back. At first I thought you said Martin Short, and I was thinking, is he not a chess player? Oh, that's Nigel Short. Oh, that's Nigel Short. No, that's Nigel Short. Nigel Short travels around the inside of my body, relating the workings of my inner organs to chess moves.

Right. I'd watch that. How is your Sicilian defence? Well, at the moment it's a little shaky, I'll be honest with you. But, yeah, that would be a fabulous programme. Maasai titles. We were talking about, yeah, Maasai names. Prince Charles has been renamed as the one who lets cows cry.

It's a bit like the Dances with Wolves, isn't it? It is, yeah. It's that whole idea. I wanted to do a film about the last Native American Indian called Dances With Traffic. Ah. Never got made. No, that's rubbish.

I think... What about if Ant from Ant on Deck did a documentary about Ant on the Beck? And it would be Ant, Anton de Beck. Anton de Beck. Deck. No? Anton...

Why did you run that past me again? Because we've got to get deck in as well. Anton de Beck. Anton. Anton de Beck. Oh, right. Deck. You put deck in there with Beck and deck.

Oh, forget it. It's... Forget it. Let's meet again next week and have another meeting I think My mess I title would be Him over there They'd all have fancy ones and I'd just be That guy over there Or him in the way

I don't know if I've told you this before But I'm convinced that I'm always in a thoroughfare If we go for breakfast, I end up in the aisle, and there's all... You know when people say their life flashes before their eyes right before they die? I think mine's just going to be a parade of people going, excuse me, can I just...

Could I just... But I feel that as well. If ever I'm in a queue, people always see me as the gateway. Right. You know when you look at a queue and you've got to get through it, you think which is the weakest link? They always come just

in front of me. Maybe your Masai title is He of the Gateway. I like it. I tell you what mine could be, judging on something that happened to me this week. The man whose rage is from the 70s. Because I was playing my ukulele in my office, in the Frank Skinner's opinionated office this week,

and a man came round and went ballistic about the noise. But he shouted at one of the guys at work, not at me. And I... There was a bit where he said, it won't be tolerated, when I felt the old ping. So I went up, and one of the things I remember saying to him in my look-mate,

first of all, I went as Birmingham as I've ever been, so that's obviously the 70s for me. And then at one point I said, don't start coming the hard case. I don't think anyone said the hard case. I don't think anyone said the hard case. I don't think I've said that since I was in David Cluelo and he asked me what kind of spectacles holder I want. Yeah, don't come the hard case.

And afterwards I thought, shows how long it's been since I've got aggressive. Retro Rage. Retro Rage, that's what I've got. Man with Retro Rage, as I'm known, by the lovely bouncy Maasai. Springy. I love them, yeah, with their fabulous biscuit things.

I don't know what they eat, the Maasai. I'm imagining there's some sort of... It's the same thing that Tigger eats, I'm guessing. It leads you into that bouncy okay perhaps that's enough african tribal stuff for this morning it's always thin ice let's face it the last thing you want the mass i on is absolute radio with frank skinner had a great email on messiai names. I went out to Kenya a few years ago to a school in a remote village to help set up a science lab. My colleagues received tribal names such as the lion and the elephant.

I was excited to be told that despite being a white female, I was also to receive a name from the elders. The elder paused with dramatic effect and said, Sarah, we will call you Sarah Asan. That's beautiful, I exclaimed, but what does it mean? It means Sarah the plate. I'm named after a piece of crockery. I can't escape a small sense of disappointment. Oh, that would be like me. Sarah the plate. I wonder, it's got a gangster ring to it as well, hasn't it? It's like Eggs Benedict, I always think. Sounds got a gangster ring to it as well, hasn't it? It's like Eggs Benedict, I always think.

Sounds like a gangster boss. Yeah, Sarah the Plague. I wonder what it is about the nature of Sarah that made them come up with that. Does she work as one of those sushi virgins in Tokyo where people eat sushi off her body? I imagine she doesn't. I've not heard of these sushi virgins.

You've not heard of them? But you probably would have mentioned that in your email. Yeah on there's a ps um i should have scrolled down you must have heard of them there's these um women young women and they i've never can i say i wouldn't go on moral grounds but they lie on a table covered in sushi and and men eat the sushi off them. Can I say I wouldn't go on taste grounds? I don't like sushi. Raw fish is... I did think about I could go and then say I don't have any money but I'm happy to do the washing up.

Yeah, but you must... I'm surprised you haven't heard of the Sushi Virgins. No. Quite well known. Pass me by. Well, I worry about the wasabi. It can sting. Anyway. Well, not talking of sushi virgins.

I had a bit of an experience at the passport office earlier this week. Well, not many people can say that. In the corridor. I was waiting to renew my passport and I'd run there, so I was wearing my running trousers. I don't think you need one anymore. You're wasting your time. You just walk through. The doors are open. With a picture of yourself, if necessary.

And I was sitting there in my running trousers and a man sidled over and he said, how are your running trousers? Oh dear, I don't like the way this is going already. Well, I'm intrigued. And then he said um he said any scuffing or chafing oh my god this was a costume this is another man pause and set then pause i had to qualify the scuffing or chafing by saying around the knee oh he panics no i don't think it's appropriate to ask any stranger, lady or man, about scuffing or chafing around any area.

He slightly rescued it with the knee. Yeah, but he looked a bit like Bobby Ball. Now, a friend of mine said... Oh, OK. That's all right, then. A friend of mine said maybe he was trying to chat you up. I don't think he was. I think he genuinely was interested in my running trousers.

If he looked like Bobby Ball, he doesn't sound much like a runner, though. I don't know what... It could be one of the 118 blucks. Yeah. Did he? I mean... It's not a sexually charged atmosphere waiting to get your passport renewed. And neither are running trousers. No.

It depends on the nature of the running trousers. I mean, I'm loathe to investigate this. Are they the sort of... I mean, running trousers sounds like you're in a sort of a tweed. Well, they're more running leggings. Tighters. I call them running tights. They are tight.

Yes. Well, you see. See, I'm in... I don't like the sound. I think he was drawn in by the curvature. I'll be straight with you. Maybe. I don't...

Well, I don't like it. But I have a couple of pairs of running leggings, let's call them. Do you get much hassle from people that look like 80s comics? I've not received so much as a second glance from anybody. But I can see why he would ask you about them. Do you get scuffing and chafing? I can't. I don't get scuffing and chafing, but I have a problem with sweating. I get a sweaty undercarriage.

A sweaty undercarriage? If anything, I need cycling shorts down there without padding but uh I can see why it's a nice set of gynecological stirrups that's the trouble it's all about circulation of air but then how could I go run no but once then it's the proper drying afterwards in a way, if you got the stirrups and fastened them onto your feet and some poles, you could just run on the spot, couldn't you? You wouldn't even have to leave the house. You know those people...

You know the power walk in... The power walk in poles. It would be like that, yeah. Yeah, that would be all right, wouldn't it? But I'm interested that somebody would... Because I often admire articles on other people and think I'd quite like to ask where he got that jacket, but I wouldn't do it.

But would you ask if it's scuffed and chafed? I wouldn't ask if it was a woman on her own, anyway. Definitely. No, it is an odd thing to do. But I often... I don't know, the whole chat-up thing is... I decided a long time... Well, I suppose in my early 20s,

I decided I would rather be desperately lonely than do chat-up lines. I don't think anyone really does official chat-up lines. Oh, no, they certainly did in Birmingham. I think lads do. The one I remember is people saying, oh, you're a model. You're a model.

Yeah. I'm a model and I'm living in 1970s Birmingham. How did that happen? Yeah, I model full-face crash helmets. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. What was we talking about? Oh, well, yeah, chat-up lines. Your theory is they don't exist.

I think it's just I just haven't been out there on the market for a long time, so I've never heard anyone use one. But those cheesy traditional, those old-fashioned ones about your dad being a robber, someone stole the stars. I'm getting it wrong this way. I don't get lots of extra curricular sex. Don't get used to that. Excuse me, is your dad a robber?

It's not one that I would have used in Birmingham in the 1970s. Can he? Yes. Why? Exactly, the odds were way too high. Just literal ones. I'd never have got to the fudge line, whatever it was. I think it's about stealing the stars

and putting them in your eyes Do they work? I don't think they do Apparently those sort of lads now do that thing called negging where they sort of say something negative Backhanded compliments It's the game by Neil Strauss

Yeah it's part of a book It sounds horrible. Pick-up artists. Yeah, they say... So you're insulting. They say something like, oh, you've got big shoulders, haven't you? Or something like that.

Or they, yeah, they say you're... Is that it? What's the punchline? Nothing. They just then talk to the lady. So then it's the idea that women desperately want the validation from the man because he's slightly made her feel insecure.

So you might say you've got a pimple and she thinks subconsciously this guy thinks i'm imperfect yeah the way to make him think i'm perfect is to sleep with him you're quite attractive for a woman with a big neck it's all based it's very head and shoulders yeah i i'm on a punchline you know you've got big shoulders do you want to buy six parrots? then already you're off into negotiation you've got the icebreaker

the problem with that is that you end up selling six parrots and not dating that's the trouble every cloud well if you're carrying six parrots with you to a nightclub or bar or restaurant, I mean, that's an opening gambit in itself. I always took parrots to nightclubs. Just somebody to talk to.

Simple as that. Now, I remember I was working at an art house cinema in Birmingham, and I was on the box office and this very sort of cute girl came in to see a three hour 40 minute um Russian documentary and uh I uh I sold her a ticket and we had a brief conversation and she went and I wrote her I thought well I'm not going to hang around to the end of the documentary I I don't like her that much. I wrote a note saying, you seem a very interesting person. Would you like to meet me tomorrow? Blah, blah, blah, one o'clock.

And she turned up. It worked. That's great. See, and I was all right with a handwritten one, because I felt I could do a bit of an edit, you know. Stuff like that. I did, I think it was draft, the seventh draft. I actually put in the envelope. Well, you knew you had three hours for it. I think it was draft, the seventh draft, I actually put in the envelope. Well, you knew you had three hours for it. I had a team of writers I brought in. It wasn't a strict deadline, was it?

But, yeah, we met the next day, and she was the woman. I remember I actually invited her back to my bed sit eventually, which was quite a big step. And I actually went out and i bought a french stick the first one i ever bought oh because i thought she had a hint of sophistication about yeah i bought a french stick you know she never turned up oh no i didn't yeah i was at a loss because everything i had in the fridge was a sort of a three inch by three inch-inch rectangle, you know, corned beef. That cheese that used to come in a slice.

None of it fitted right. I didn't know what to do with the French stick. Do you just go and buy a really big sausage? But it was sitting looking at the French stick that made me feel pathetic and humiliated in so many ways. I'd love to know if our listeners have had any unusual chat-up lines, but not those crappy comedy ones. I hate them.

Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! On the subject of that Maasai tribe thing, I feel like it's not a massive change of subject here. A Maasai change of subject. A not a massive change of subject here. A massive change of subject. A massive change of subject. Did you hear that there was a

lion spotted in West Yorkshire? They stopped the trains, didn't they? They stopped the train for the sighting of a lion. I love this story, partly, I think, because it uses place names that I grew up near. The idea of driving in the village of Sheppley near Huddersfield

and at 3.30 in the afternoon she phoned the police saying that she thought she'd seen a lion. Yeah, but she said she thought she'd seen a lion. Yeah. And they scrambled a helicopter. Well, you can't be too careful what's your view it was peter stringfellow no but if someone says it you never know because you do get local eccentrics in these outposts of the north that might keep a lion yeah i mean it's not the

perfect climate for such a creature no oh i think they're quite... It did remind me of, you know, one of my favourite old jokes ever is the bloke. The bloke's walking down the street and he sees someone running absolutely flat out and he said, what is it, mate? He says, a lion's escaped from the zoo. And he said, which way is it coming? He says, you don't think I'm chasing it, do you?

It is one of the great jokes of all time. They had another one of these earlier when there was a white tiger spotted in a field in Hampshire by members of the public. Was it snowing? It turned out to be a stuffed toy. Oh, people should have really fact-checked that, shouldn't they? I mean, it was still for a start.

Oh, yeah, but sometimes when they're haunting, it's like a cat with a bird. They'll stand absolutely still. For hours. Yeah, for White Tiger. The fact he's had a carrot for a nose was an off-the-kid for a while. Maybe that's how to get the police out if you need them to come round. You just say there's a lion in your garden.

Yeah. Like shouting fire, fire, just go lion, lion. Can I say that Absolute Radio do not condone the calling out of the police on a bogus great cat. I think we can assume that this was not bogus, that they thought it was a real lion. Yeah, they also believe the woman was a genuine caller. I like that. That's good. I saw a lot.

I was in Africa with David Baddiel for the World Cup. And we went to this place. And it was a big game reserve and the man At the World Cup it was a big game reserve. A big game reserve, yeah. And it was just Monopoly

for miles. And the man said, oh you're lucky, an elephant's died. Which no one had ever said to me before. And it meant that all animals came from all around and all gathered to eat the elephant and we yeah we saw this elephant and a lion just emerged from the elephant it's fantastic like a kinder surprise really yeah do you have to assemble it um well i think it's a bit late for that i I'd have had to put my tongue, not my tongue, my fingers down the lion's throat.

Terrible Freudian slip there. Obviously, if I desire to snog a lion. Tying back to Peter Stringfellow. It's an interesting psychological route to take. Was it a safari? Or you just went to see, was it a safari? Well, we were in a trot looking at animals, so I suppose it was a safari.

It was only one. That's a day and a half. Because if you don't see animals, a safari is just a very expensive drive. It is. Yeah, what you need, you need to, I would recommend anyone thinking of going on safari to book a dead elephant about a day and a half in advance.

Give them a chance to get through the outer casing. Once they're at the innards, they come from all around. Yeah, that sounds good. Apparently, at the very end, birds flock around and pick it absolutely clean. And is it the lions go first, because obviously there's an animal that doesn't want to be eaten by a lion? Or do they all just muck in?

It's like a Russian doll. Is it like a buffet where they all get on? The lions go first because if the other animals come, they'll eat them as well, obviously. Because they're king of the beasts. They are king of the beasts. A natural queuing system, really. Sounds good.

I don't know if they're still king of the beasts now in South Africa. Now that it's a republic, I think they're actually president of the beasts. I think that was agreed. But it's a pretty terrifying thing. It used to be quite a deal, didn't it, in England, strained wild cats and beast abodmen more. When I lived in London, there was definitely a supposed puma in Sydenham.

A Sydenham puma? A Sydenham puma, yeah, that's what it was known as. I don't think it was ever caught or... Was it rampant or couchant? Pardon? OK, we'll leave it there. My dad, I mean, our big bogeyman thing at home, you know how people used to say,

if you come, the police will come and get you? My dad used to threaten me with the 16th century religious reformer Martin Luther. He'd say, Martin Luther will come and... It's a funny old household, looking back. It's not going to do any harm, is it? Anyway, no, exactly. So, not that we... I'm still slightly frightened of him.

Even just, you know, in magazines and things. Not that he's in that many magazines. I'll be straight with you. I haven't seen him in heat for ages. It's also the week. Thomas Cranmer was in heat, but he was burnt at the stake. So Not The Weekend podcast will be available

from Wednesday morning. Thank you very much for listening. If the good Lord's willing and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this week. No, we won't be back this week. We'll be back next week at the same time. Oh, God. It looks like I've got out just in time.

That's an odd bit. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.