The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Matey

Episode Date: January 25, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank asks the listeners to identify an unknown fruit. The team also discuss Tarantino and Bieber's week in the news and Emily's unfortunate phone incident.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Hey, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us! No, I mean it, on 8 12 15. That's as simple as that. Or you can follow us on Twitter, Frank on the Radio, or email the Absolute Radio website. So I've had a complete showbiz whirl of a week. Have you? Well, not really, but I opened this week. Oh, lovely.

I wasn't expecting it. Another opening in another show. Exactly. I opened at the Leicester Square Theatre, my stand-up show. How was it? The show was absolutely fine, but the fruit bowls, I got two fruit bowls. Because when people, you know people buy opening night gifts. Oh, yeah.

Often they send alcohol. Oh, yeah. And that obviously doesn't apply to me because. No, you find yourself on the receiving end of a lot of cheese. I do. For that reason. And, but I had a fruit bowl, two fruit bowls arrived. Lovely.

That's a good gift, I think. And I mean, baskets is what I mean. I mean, they're big. Great. And it's quite exciting, I've got to tell you. I once had a fruit bowl at Thames Studios. Oh. In my dressing room. And it had a coconut in it no imagine that

three minutes mr skinner hold on you got a hammer it was quite a 70s gift to coconut it was all bouncy balls and exotic i'd already had a previously i'd had a pineapple which i thought was quite a big thing to take on before a show yeah i'd rather just have a can of lil you need a knife about the middleman yeah exactly you're right but you know i've never had on bongo what no i wonder where they drink it i don't know um but um i love i love all that i love the fruit thing. So for the rest of the week I've been eating fruit constantly. And it's one of the few, yes, it's one of the few times

well, when my friend Con used to live with me, he used to say it was like being on Animal Magic. Do you remember that programme with Johnny Morris? When the lemur is sitting at the side eating stuff. He said, I'm sitting watching the side with eating stuff he said i'm sitting watching the telly i can see you picking stuff out the fruit bowl and nibbling a bit careful

though frank because i've been on the beverly hills diet oh yeah um which is composed entirely of fruit why did you have a beverly hills belly no it's called the beverly hills diet but just just be careful on that one okay i don't don't care. I'm happy to die by fomentation. No, just make sure you're near a latrine. Oh, come on. I've gone at the constitution of an institution. It's the effect, though, isn't it, of the

fibre. Oh, shut up, you two. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. Now you're telling me I can't have fruit. No, I'm just saying if people come back and see you, you might want to leave it a while. Yeah.

Well. Don't have too much right before a long show. That's the... Not only that, I'm not listening to the doubters. Haters gonna hate. That's right, yeah. It's all about the fruit. What sort of fruit did you get then?

Well, that's a very good question. I have eaten several pieces of fruit this week that I could not identify by name. Really? And that's exciting, because how often do you eat stuff that you don't know the name of? Kumquat. I had kumquat. African cucumber. What?

That's lovely. That's not a fruit, surely? It is! Sorry, I thought that was an entry in your diary. That's lovely. That's not a fruit, surely. It is! Sorry, I thought that was an entry in your diary.

Um, I, um, no, I ate what the song calls strange fruit. Strange fruit? Yeah, and I still don't know what it was. Sharon fruit, maybe? It passed like pips in the night. What did it look like? Well, there was one, for example. If it's texting, what have I eaten? Yeah, that'd be good, wouldn't it? What was it? It'll be, there was one, for example. If it's today's texting, what have I eaten? That'd be good, wouldn't it?

What was it? It'll be quite a brief texting on my part. It's easier than a stomach pump. Yeah. No, I had one that looked like from the outside. At first I thought it was a lime, but then it was too hard and green. It had like a sort of avocado type skin. And then when I opened it up it was completely pink

inside. Bright pink. Starfish. That's the first one then. What was that? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Set up the text in trying to establish what fruit it was. Just to give you

a sample of three of the texts we've already received. 221 says guava with an exclamation mark. Ah. No other words in the text. That sounds like a passion fruit, Frank, says Julian Penniston. No, I know a passion fruit because it's like jelly in a jiffy bag. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

A passion fruit. No, it wasn't that. Very good description. Yeah. A pasture fruit. No, it wasn't that. Very good description. And 304, hi, Frank, was the mysterious fruit a custard pear by any chance? I had one a few weeks ago in a veg fruit box delivery and was pleasantly surprised by the fact it did actually vaguely taste of custard. That's from Hayley. Well, I mean...

Three texts, three different guesses. Yeah, exactly. I like the sound of a custard pear. It didn't taste custardy to me. I like 134 the best. He simply says, it was a guava. Okay. Well, maybe it was a guava.

Don't they use guava as, isn't that some sort of stimulant of some kind? Guava. That'd be good before the show, wouldn't it? Yeah, perfect. Peppin' Vigor up. Red Bull Frank? No. Pass us that, you see that lime-like thing? Well, you've Peppin' bigger up. Red Bull, Frank? No. Pass us that...

You see that limelight thing? Well, you've got your non-alcoholic wine now. Yes. I got a case of non-alcoholic wine. It's my birthday this week, and the team bought me some non-alcoholic wine, which I've become slightly obsessed with. It's definitely non-alcoholic, Daisy, isn't it?

Definitely. 100%. We'll soon find out. If it's 100%,-alcoholic daisy isn't it definitely 100 we'll soon find out because 100 we'll definitely soon find out i had um a strange thing as well happen this week i i've got a shirt a blue shirt that i've worn now for three different stand-up gigs and i do about 90 minutes on stage and it's hot oh yeah and i've also worn it in a suit yeah i'm in a suit over the top and a tie and and i've worn it four days as well i wore it for meetings yesterday and it still smells fresh as a daisy present company accepted i don't know if i can believe that it does honestly

it's it's beautiful what you mean is people are too frightened to tell you? No, you know, I've had a really good... You want it to smell nice, don't you? You're sniffing it. No, I don't. This is going to smell nice. I don't. At first, I just fully expected it, and now it's become a bit...

It's moving into that area I would call supernatural, which is making me... Do you remember that Cary Grant film, when he was an angel and he gave someone... He didn't wear a drip-dry shirt, FYI. No, no, but he gave someone a glass and they poured drink into it

and the bottle that they had never ran out so they could drink forever. I've seen footage of Tommy Cooper doing that as well. Yeah, well, this was in the... You know, my dad, I have to say whenever I mention Cary Grant, that every time he appeared on the telly or was mentioned in any context, my dad would say,

Cary Grant from the slums of Bristol. Happily, they never met. Might not have gone that well. But anyway, it's still fresh and clean now. I could have worn it today and everything would have been lovely. I'm quite glad you did.

But you mentioned drip dry. I don't know if you remember those shirts, Alan. Do you remember those? I've got a vague recollection of them. You didn't. You used to wash them and then you'd just hang them up soaking wet. And then when they dried, they had no creases or anything. They were good to go.

Right. Absolutely. Or good to go depending on what you wanted to look like. Yeah. If you wanted to look like you presented World of Sport, they were good to go. Right, that's absolutely... Or good to go depending on what you wanted to look like. Yeah. If you wanted to look like you presented World of Sport, they were good to go. It's just like these machine washable suits that they sell in some high streets.

Don't you ever think, though, that you see some technology and you think, why hasn't this caught on? Do you remember Matey? Matey Bubble Bath. Matey Bubble Bath. Their big brag was that it cleaned the bath as well. So at the end of the bath,

Matey's a bottle of fun. It cleans the bath as well. And he thought, why doesn't all now, all bath items, why don't they clean the bath as well? That's a massive advantage. You could double it up, use your toilet brush as a hairbrush. Everything could be dual purpose in there, couldn't it? No, no, no, you've just gone into the ridiculous.

This was someone who... They have the technology to make bath things that clean the bath as well, and they're not using it. You tell me why that is happening. No, can you actually tell me? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skin me? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about Maiti, which cleaned the bath as well as the child.

Yeah. On Absolute Radio. 693 has texted us to say, Ah yes, Maiti, clean fun, clean kids and a clean bath. No skin left on though. That can't be true can it that is just the opinion of 693 yes that is not the official opinion of absolute though i do i do think maybe matey is gone i haven't seen it for a while has it gone the way of sunny delight

is that gone did you bathe in that that's the kind of that would have cleaned your bath that would have cleaned your bath wouldn't it all? I just think we should revisit that technology. We've also had an update from Hayley who said, Me again, Frank. The custard pear didn't taste of custard until I knew it was a custard pear. Oh, you see, it's psychosomatic. And then somebody else has said, Hi, guys, it's a dragon fruit.

Google it. Yum. Well, it wasn't very... It's got a bit twisted. Firestarter! Although it was pink. Although it was pink, it wasn't that taste. It was quite bland. Maybe that's the thing, that you call it whatever you call it.

You call it a custard fruit, you call it a mustard fruit. African cucumber. Yeah, you can call it a sunny delight fruit and it'll taste the way those are because it's a blank page. You know what I mean? Some people are like that, aren't they? Yeah, we fill in the void. They have no personality and they're like chameleons. I don't like that you're giving eye contact with me while saying they have no personality. I've never seen anyone get so angry over a bottle of fruit either.

I am saying that, I'm not saying you, for goodness sake. And also, what happened to those trousers where the seams were stitched in? Do you remember those? Oh, the hems, yeah. Ready-made hems. They stitched them in. The actual seams were stitched in. Oh, I thought they were hems.

What do you mean? So you didn't have to press them. You'd put a line of stitching at either side of the seam. You know... They sound ugly, though. Not the seam. Oh, you think? When you press... Oh, yeah, they were a bit ugly. You know when you press... You think? When you press...

Oh, yeah, they were a bit ugly. Right. But you didn't have to press them. What era are we talking? What price laziness? Oh, I'd say they were 70s probably. Like, would R. Keith have worn those? No, R. Keith was quite trendy in his youth.

Was he? Bear in mind, he was into Bloodwind Pig. Of course he was. How silly of me. Yes. Well, I like the fact that we're discussing the fruit at this level because after the show last week when we all went for brunch, how silly of me yes well i like the fact that we're discussing the fruit at this level because after the show last week when we all went for brunch we were discussing you you raised oh yeah

you mooted the possibility of what were you going to eat as your after show snack well i have this thing see when i i so i come off stage i go home everyone's in bed usually, I sit down alone in the kitchen. You just weep. I weep a little. And I scream seven or eight times. It's just not working. I keep shouting that. And then I'm hungry, but I don't want to sit down.

I don't want to cook that time of the night. So what should I have in that window? You've just been in front of 2,000 people and you go home alone. Yeah, exactly. And what worries me is the fact that we had this conversation. I know it involves show business, but felt like this the sort of conversation anyone could have frank got so depressed during this conversation i said because then we had another conversation that was quite run-of-the-mill and i i said ordinary conversations are like bosses

they come in pairs and our i like to talk about weird stuff mine and yours our respective happiness levels in that chat were like a seesaw, because I was really enjoying trying to think of what... When I said, why don't you have a chicken salad? That'll be filling and tasty. And you went, I'm not eating salad! Oh, what about when I said, lovely suggestion, what about boiled egg and soldiers? I'm not going to cook!

No, I'm not going to cook that time of the night. Who has a salad at sort of half eleven at night? A chicken salad, though. A bit of meat to make it feel worthwhile. If you're going to be ridiculous. Anyway, last night I got in and what did I have? Crudité. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Rating. Macy is still available. I deliver it daily. That's from Paul, delivery driver for a well-known pharmaceutical and medical high street store, 955. Can't imagine what store that is. You see, so it can't do any damage, as it wouldn't be on the market. No.

I'm going to get some. I don't see why only children should use it. No. 307 says she got some Lady Macy't see why only children should use it. No. 307 says she got some lady matey yesterday in the pink bottle. Oh, I bet she did. What's that got to do with anything? Exactly. Why couldn't I use matey?

Children, if anything, get dirty, then adults don't. That would certainly get me clean. Children are filthy. You can tell they're clean. I had my shirt come off absolutely dry and fresh. Anyway, before you played that song, did you say that you went back last night after your show and you ate crudite?

Yes. Meaning like... I had an evening of crudite. Carrot batons. Crudite. Yes, I had. There wasn't enough crudite in the show. No, there isn't enough anymore. Last time I saw crudite. I had, yes, I had. There wasn't enough crudite in the show. No, there isn't enough anymore.

Last time I saw crudite, and this is genuine, was at Arsenal. That's what they eat at Arsenal. Wow. That's how posh they are. Well, this was, I just thought it's a good way of doing it, because you don't want to get in, and I don't want to get, you know,

some terrible unhealthy stuff. So I had a big tub of taramasalata and cruditae, and I channel surfed for an hour. Carrot batons, is that what you mean? Well, they weren't batons, they were medallions, as it turned out. They'd gone that way. Carrot medallions? They'd gone across.

Yeah, they'd gone across. What were you dipping them in, may I ask? Taramasalata. Oh, I'm sorry, I missed the tarama bit. Okay, I've never heard tarama salata said like that. What did you say? Oh, slightly less aggression. You said tarama salata.

Well, I had some tarama salata. Anyway, it worked a treat. So is that what you're going to have now? I'm not having that every night. Oh, okay. Is that ZQ? You know what would be nice? Well, that's one night less to worry about, is all I'm saying. One're going to have now? I'm not having that every night. Oh, OK. Is that Ziki? You know what would be nice? That's one night less to worry about, is all I'm saying.

One night less to worry about? Is that how you see meals? It's one night less to worry about. It's actually the title of my old book. It's my tour diary. I've thought about your post-gig snack, I think, probably seven times this week. And one of them that I thought,

I thought, oh, that'd be good, was some hot chocolate and some malt loaf with a bit of butter on it. He'll get worried about getting fat. Yummy. He said that. He said, I can't have carbs. Hot chocolate and malt loaf. It'd be nice if I was 78. Imagine as you were walking on to your gig thinking,

not long now, we'll get this over with. I see how I get your point. You must work off, I mean, a few cows doing that gig. You know what? He strides around, doesn't he? Yeah, oh, he does. Strangely, I do lose weight doing a stand-up thing. And I don't feel like I'm a very energetic performer. It's the adrenaline, love.

You're like Mick Jagger. Is that what it is? Yeah. Well, I think you should go Mediterranean Paisan. What's that? I'm talking vine leaves. I'm talking... Oh, God.

Mozzarella, burrata, lovely. Where am I going to get that? Go to a shop. What, at that time of the night? You get killed. There are lots of wonderful delicatessens. I bet one in three people who go to a shop in London that time of the night get killed.

Do you think? No-one gets killed by mozzarella and vine leaves. No, no, they get killed by their fellow customers. They were all drunk Christ and drunk. Let's face it, that's life in the big city. Those of you living in these little villages might think I exaggerate. But let's face it,

I'd rather die in an evening shop than live in a small village. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Shall we get to Email Corner? Oh yeah, definitely. I'm going to play it, listen.

I'm going to play it. Email Corner. I'm going to play it. Listen. I'm not going to. The email corner. Sorry, it's strange. I just discovered some jingles I forgot I'd got. What on earth is going on over there? It's like Buzz with a Fisher-Price kit. An activity centre? Yes.

Okay. So, email. We're off. The first email is from OK. So, email... We're off! The first email is from Dean. Oh, yeah. And, er... Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. He's a Birmingham.

He says, Hi, folks. It was announced this week that Jeff Lynn is to be the latest recipient of a star on Birmingham's Broad Street. Is he the ELO chap? Yes. Now that Frank has announced tour dates at the City Symphony Hall, which is situated on said road, does he intend to show Buzz his star and perhaps even give it a little clean-up?

All the best, Dean. I'd love to turn up on Broad Street in Birmingham and give my star. We should say that there is a thing called the Birmingham Walk of Stars, is it called? Walk of Fame. We all went down there. Walk of walk of shame i turned it into that's another story called um anyway it's called we we went down for my ceremony when i had my star ceremony ceremoniously my first guesting on the show that was it yeah nice history came in as a guest did you come to the star ceremony no thanks anyway i think i texted you i said i'm going down a storm on broad street or something

i haven't seen the stars for a while i would like to imagine me turning up and cleaning it who are you next to the man from slade i don't know the man from slave no we're all spread out a bit i think oh. Oh, are you? I must go and check again. I seem to recall you being quite near Flair's nightclub. Yes. Yeah. Well, I think Noddy Holder is outside Flair's nightclub.

Oh, OK. That's the prime spot, let's face it. Quite right. But could one use brown sauce? That's the classic get a shine on stuff, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Because I tell you, continuing the showbiz thing, I've got,

when I moved house, I discovered my Perrier Award. I won the Perrier Award in 1991. It's all right. It's gone very off colour through neglect. You're right. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah.

The award, and I'd like to get it shiny again. And I was thinking about brown sauce. What do you think? Well, as it happens, we've had an email, a text from someone saying that they use Coca-Cola to clean their toilet, let it soak overnight, and the results are amazing.

Maybe Coca-Cola. I've heard people clean their jewellery using Coca-Cola. Really? Yeah, yeah. I was thinking I could just get some mate in, take the award in the bath with me. Yeah. What do you think? Yeah.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We are. There's no getting around it. Well, we have had a text saying, Emily's cleaning show could feature your star cleaning issue. I don't like show could feature your star cleaning issue.

I don't like this idea that your star is definitely dirty. No, but people do walk on it, so you're going to expect to sell them at a whatever. Well, Mark has suggested 240. Having the stars on Broad Street makes me wonder which star has been... I'm afraid he uses the word vomited on the most. Oh, I should think of all of them.

Broad Street is a crazy place on a weekend night. It's a party street, isn't it? Oh, man. That's when I was there. I've only played the Symphony Hall once before, and it was a charity event, and Rusty Lee was

on with a jazz band. Brilliant. Is that a euphemism? No. Is it good? That's not a fair question I don't know what was so fair about that does she sing tell me off that what do you think she did

with the jazz band I don't know Cook maybe because that's what she was famous for I love that she was on the bassoon and then

it ended I was hosting, and it ended with Ron Atkinson, Big Ron. He sang My Way, accompanied only by Nigel Kennedy on violin, playing in and out of the melody. Are you sure this wasn't a 1980s dream? No, it was true.

It was fantastic. Ron and Nigel Kennedy's My Way. I worry about Ron. It's the best. I just worry about Ron with that personnel. I don't like it. It was, really, it was a fun night. Good.

I look forward to going back there. I will check out the star, definitely. And I believe we're going to continue an email corner dear frank cock rl that's what i've been called is that like will i am i think it is george rr martin i'm fine with cock rl and uh and the delicious miss m oh lovely uh greetings from singapore oh lovely let's have some uh see if we've got some suitable Singapore type music. Sort of imagine yourself in raffles.

That's lovely, Frank. Yeah. That's sort of Singapore-ish. Isn't that the bells of West Wales or whatever it was that we were talking about last week. It was the radio. It started on radio, the bells of Wales. That's right, yeah. Big hit on four.

Greetings from Singapore. In a recent podcast, you discussed 1001 Carpet Cleaner and segued immediately into an appraisal of the personal hygiene of Shia LaBeouf. Unfortunately, due to the proximity of the two topics and the fact that 1001 and Shia LaBeouf are syllabically identical, syllabically identical. I found myself singing, Shia LaBeouf cleans a big, big carpet

for less than half a crown all weekend. Of course, Shia LaBeouf would do that, but only if he was playing the shaken vat lady in a biopic as part of his method preparation. Well, let's face it, it's going to be soon, the way things are going. Can I say, it is not syllabically identical. One thousand and one and Shia LaBeouf. One thousand and one, Shia LaBeouf.

No, I'm sorry, it doesn't work. If it was Belinda Carlyle, would it work perfectly? Try it. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio,

mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 812 15. Follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the absolute WebSooz site direct.

Going so well all in one breath. And then I said WebSooz. WebSooz site. It's all right. It's all right. I'll tell you what we need to talk about this morning, Frank. What about Belieber, Justin Belieber? Well, you know, he's a friend of the show.

He is? I like to think that. Although you do call him a friend of the show He is I like to think that Although you do call him A very great fool He is a very great fool I think that's fair enough Well he's in a He's very grateful

I don't think he's at all grateful That's one of his problems He's in a whole Heap of trouble today He is Well this week Yeah I mean

You might have heard About this story Yeah It's been quite massive It's a yellow Lamborghini, was it? And a red one. I think it was a hire car. I think it was.

No. Yeah. Well, I hope he's got excess cover. Yeah, that's what I hope. That's a very discreet car, isn't it, the yellow Lamborghini? Hang on. You want to go about your business unnoticed. I don't want to stick...

I mean, I am accused of dullness on occasion, but isn't he too young to hire a car? I thought you had to be 25. I blame Jeremy. Jeremy? His dad. Oh. I thought you meant Clarkson for a second. No. I thought you meant Kyle.

Getting him into cars. No, I, um, I... I blame Jeremy for everything. I think, yeah, Jeremy is. Where can we begin on, on the dad? I mean... Jeremy, believe me. The gold earring. I don't? I mean, the gold earring. I don't like a dad with a gold earring.

No. Unless he's a pirate. I don't like a beanie hat on a dad. I don't like a low-slung tracksuit on a dad. No. Or a vest top. Where do you stand on a dad that doesn't have anything to do with his sudden-tiddly-becomes-a-world-famous-pop-star? Where do you stand on that?

I'm fine with that. I've got to learn to stand on their own two feet. Yeah. But, yeah, he just... I think we were all looking at the pictures thinking, well, that can't be the dad, can he? That rapper bloke can't be the dad. I imagine... Is there a possibility that Jeremy Bieber used to be like a suit and tie bloke

who had an ordinary office job, and then his son became Justin Bieber, and he went a bit... This is what happens when a nice family go, gee. Do you think? Yes, that's what I think. Because they all...

Even Justin looks like, you know, there's a nice lad in there, I think. Do you know what? I don't know if they were ever a nice family. I think they were always a bit Jeremy Cole, Green Room. But wasn't Justin, when he started off, all sort of poppy and lovely? Yeah, yeah. He was like Holly Mears.

They were young when they had the children. I'm not saying, I'm just saying they were 18, 19. But that can bond, that can bring them together. I'm not knocking people for having children too young. I'm not knocking people for having children too young. I'm saying nothing. I, uh, no, I do worry, though. I worry about the dad. I think the dad is, I'm more worried

about him than I am Justin. I think Justin will pull through. I don't think he's a good influence. Well, Justin's management, I mean, everyone knows what happened. We don't need to recap. There was so much. There was the DUI. Yes, you know, I've never heard the phrase DUI before. Right.

Which surprises me with your history. Driving under the influence, surely. Drinking under the influence is what people do, innit? That's what happens after the first drink. I meant drinking under the influence of driving. Let's get our priorities right. There was the DUI. There was the drag racing,

which I like that everyone's now an expert on drag racing. You know when there's a phrase used in a big news story and everyone talks about drag racing? Yeah, Grayson Perry was third. Resisting arrest. Oh, yeah. He was rude to the cops. He was, he swore at the police, and he smiled on the mugshot.

You're not supposed to smile at the cops. I don't think that's that bad. You're not supposed to smile on the mugshot. I didn't do that! I don't think that's that bad. You're not supposed to do that. It's like a passport photo. The rules is rules. But he knows about being photographed, doesn't he? He's a guy who's used to being photographed. So a camera's near him and he goes, click.

He puts the face on. It's just a natural reaction. Do you know him and his dad? Sorry, okay. It's like Ewan joking. He do it all the time, so therefore he does it all the time. You do. Made me feel much better about my skin, though.

Listen, what? Justin. Oh. You know what that is? What? So I read, ten years of matey. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Is this Peter?

I mean, people keep saying, oh, he's only 19, he's only a kid, go easy on him. But then you read the sentence that he refused to board his private plane. And that's when I start to lose sympathy a little bit. Is it? Is that your rule? Yeah. If they board their private... Although, this is coming from someone who said, in between links just now, when I was in Palermo with Dolce & Gabbana. I did say that, yeah.

You did open an anecdote like that. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I mean, I can't work him out. In a way, he's super modern. He hangs around with rappers and that. And then drinking and driving is so 1978. And it's not comical, is it?

No. Drinking and driving. No. Although his dad apparently did close the street off for the race. The drag racing. Well, that's quite responsible of him. Yeah, this is the kind of influence his dad is. And I'm thinking of getting drunk and then drag racing my yellow Lamborghini I've hired.

Well, let me give you a word of advice. Let's close the street first. That's all right, isn't it? He couldn't talk him out of it let me give you a word of advice. Let's close the street first. That's alright, isn't it? He couldn't talk him out of it, so he took a preventative measure. You know they've got matching tattoos in exactly the same place on their sides. What, Jeremy and Justin? Yeah,

Jeremy and Justin had matching tattoos. There's a lovely picture of them showing all the sort of bandaged aftermath of the tattoo. That's nice as well. That was my dad. And what does it say, the tattoo? What? Jesus! Does it?

Yeah. Does it really? So they're in... Are they part of your lot, then, Frank? Apparently... They're in your section of the diagram. Your brethren. Justin Bieber...

He's a Belieber. He, like me, follows the Nazarene. Oh. Yeah. Who'd have thought that? Except he follows him inarene. Oh. Yeah. He would have thought that. Except he follows him in a yellow Lamborghini. That dad doesn't look

a very, he doesn't look very Benedictine. I imagine Jesus would have been an Austin A40. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Humble. Hillman in, Pisceum in, actually. Bottle green. Mmm. Lovely. Lovely.

I'll tell you what I like when I read out the cost of the bail and he was trying, Bieber, did you see that? Belieber was in the, there was a bit of a split screen thing going on. Lovely. I'll tell you what I liked when I read out the cost of the bail. And he was trying... Bieber. Did you see that? Belieber was in the... There was a bit of a split screen thing going on.

Yeah. The judge was reading out and he said, the cost of that offence, $500. It was all such a... You know, that small fry to Bieber. He was trying not to laugh. Small turtles. Yeah.

But he even looked good in that sort of red prison wear. He did. He's a good looking boy, isn't he? Oh, in the walk of shame suit. Yeah. He did, looked good in that sort of red prison wear. He did. He's a good-looking boy, isn't he? Oh, in the Walk of Shame suit, yeah. He did, though. He looked like, if you can imagine a Virgin Airlines stewardess without the blows, just in the V-jacket. I do, frequently.

Yeah. What do you mean with the jacket? But he did, he still looked great. But I tell you what I noticed, there's a side view of his head, which I've never, I don't know if I've ever seen him in profile before. And I think even at his young age, he might be a bit concerned about a bit of receding hair. Yes. Because he's got a weird parting, so that he's brought a bit of hair forward to cover the top corners.

You know the top corner of your forehead, which is where the hair tends to go first? Yeah, he's manufactured a bit of a sweep over for those top corners. And the father figure is in the pictures in a baseball cap. You do the maths. This is a family crippled at the prospect of oncoming baldness that have decided to live life in the fast lane. Who can blame them for that? Literally.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skin that? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio. It's Frank's birthday on, is it Tuesday? It is Tuesday. So we've got cakes in the studio. Just thought I'd inform the listenership, the readership. We've actually had a text from Nugget, who's a regular, saying, morning, Frank, happy birthday for Tuesday.

Thank you. Having kids too young in life isn't something you can be accused of, is it? No. I think I sort of acknowledge that, I think, by inference. Anyway, we were discussing Bieber, the Belieber, and his dad, who we think is a baddie. Well, I don't know if I think that. I just think, that's just what happens when your dad's 38.

He's less of a baddie, more of a roadie. But even at 38, should you have one of those little sticky-out king-top beards? You know, the biggest problem for me is that he's a man that wears a V-neck T-shirt. He wears a vest, I think you'll find. I don't get on well with V-neck T-shirts. No, I don't either. Too many tats as well. Especially those drop, like, low ones. I think you have to wear those when you're arrested

anyway we're going to continue to make in prison canada news yes they have that that's so they can in case you one of those people who wears one of those file you know those file pendants that's got a file on it. No buttons allowed. I know this is a bit controversial, but can I say that orange prison outfit is tremendous loungewear. Was it orange? I thought it was red. No, it's orange. They always

wear orange. Well, you know, my mum thinks that orange drains your energy. You know, she told us that when me and my brothers were watching football. Well, she better not stop hanging around that penitentiary then. Well, I must admit, I do feel a bit limp on a Wednesday. Me and my brothers were watching football and Holland were playing and my mum came in and said, I cannae believe they play football in Orange at Dranger Energy.

Well, you know, they've never won the World Cup. It's nice that she thinks they've got a choice of what strip they wear. And at the time they were winning, I think i think five one but they never won the world cup because they start well you see and then by the end of it they're absolutely exhausted and of course they never need to wear their away kit because uh everybody else has got you but i find the harry krishna's very sluggish i never get anything done. No. We continue to other Canada news now, not just Bieber. OK.

Marmite falls foul of Canada's laws because it is enriched with vitamins. And so a chap who lives in Saskatoon... That's against their laws, to be enriched with vitamins. I like the way the cockpaw sounded a bit like the health correspondent on the one show there. That's what I was going for. There's a man who sells British food in one of those shops, you know those shops that expats go to to buy hawkers crisps and such like. Where do we go? I don't feel that desperate.

Good point. That's nearly always the thought in conversation with any expat. Would you, if you went abroad, do you think you'd be going to a shop to buy Marmite? Yes, I did when I lived in Australia. We did often. Did you? Did you? But Australians have got Vegemite. They've got Vegemite, yeah, it's not as nice. Yeah. Well, this chap who's got a British food shop in Canada has been told to... You know what, I'm glad this has come up because I don't think we've talked about food enough this morning. Tony Badger he's called. Tony Badger his name is, which is ironic. Surely he should be the person telling people not to stock certain foods, because he'd be badgering them, wouldn't he? No?

No? Badger? Tony Badger? Win it. I think that's turned it round. The thing I loved most about that was the four-second pause. He's also not allowed to sell iron brew, which seems unjust. That's absolutely... I love iron brew.

Me too, it's great. Don't get Al started on iron brew. Love it. Don't send me any freaks. Drain your energy, though, if you put it in a glass. If you can see it. Oh, of course, yeah. It's the opposite of Red Bull.

It's the drain your energy drink. Oh, I'm feeling a bit hyper. Got any iron brew? Oh, relaxing this iron brew. I think you'll find it's linked to hyper hyper. Got any iron brew? Oh, relaxing, this iron brew. I think you'll find it's linked to hyperactivity, the iron brew drink. Oh, it's that kind of talk that takes the fun out of life. And also, whenever I'm in Scotland, I don't look around and see a lot of hyperactivity.

I really don't. Yeah, but you're a hardy bunch, aren't you? And can I say that the idea that Iron Brew is linked to hyperactivity is not an official view of Absolute Radio. It's mere chit-chat. It contains colouring linked to that. Again. The fact that it contains colouring linked to hyperactivity is mere hearsay.

I think we'll play some music while I found my lawyer. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We were before the break discussing Ponser 4R which is the additive

that has been linked to hyperactivity and is in Iron Brew. It is in Iron Brew? Yeah, it says it in the article. It says it right here, but it's not it doesn't appear on the approved food list. If you repeat a libel, it's still a libel. Oh, is that right? I like Iron Brew, can I say that? It's less hyperactive than me.

I absolutely love it. That wasn't a rhetorical question. It was less hyperactive than me. You can't name it. It was banned. It was banned for it? You can't name it, can you? It was banned. It was banned for import in Canada. And Tony Badger, the man with the shop in concern... He got a cob on. Oh, he did.

But excellent point that he makes towards the end. Oh, is it him? It's a different person makes this point. For a country that allows one to buy... This is broadcast at its very best. For a country that allows one to buy firearms, guns, bullets, stopping a soft drink suitable for all ages seems a little ludicrous. That's his point.

That would work well if it was America and not Canada, which has similar gun laws to us, thank you. Canada doesn't. Yes, it does. I'm not going to argue with this about... Yes, it does. Oh, hold on. Similar. You have to be registered in Canada.

Yeah, OK. OK.. Oh, oh. It's similar. You have to be registered in Canada. Yeah, okay. Okay. Come on, guys. My only dispute is what's the difference between a gun and a firearm? I don't know. Ask Bieber's dad. He looks like the type who'd know.

Why list them both? Well, that's true. You've got firearms. Tortology, is that what you're talking about? I'm wondering about the... Tim says, I once met a girl who was bright orange with the overuse of fake tan. She certainly drained my energy. I'm loving it.

That would be funny if it wasn't me. If I was going to ban something, it would be apricot yoghurt, speaking of orange. Really? Yes. You know, I would say apricot yoghurt, speaking of orange. Really? Yes. Oh. You know, I would say I love all food. Yeah. But I found that apricot yoghurt, which I would never buy in a million years,

because the apricot, let's face it, is at the low end of the food choice. Oh, yeah. Isn't it? Oh, I totally agree with you, Dan. Do you ever go out and buy apricot? Never. Never. No one does. So some I totally agree with you, Dan. Do you ever go out and buy apricots? Never. Never. No one does. Never. So some in your fruit basket.

Of course. This is how apricots are getting through. They put them in fruit baskets, so you get them accidentally, or they get them in yogurts. When you get, like, a pack of four variety, there's always an apricot. Oh, I hate that. I have currently got three apricot yogurts,

all straining straining at the sell by date leash because I've eaten the other three yogurts and thought and you don't want the apricot

I don't want the apricot I'll just get some they're the Montelomar of the yoghurt world they're not that's the chocolate no one eats oh is it

so in the four pack I mean the other ones are like you know raspberry strawberry lemon sometimes a lemon never lemon oh oh no Four pack? I mean, the other ones are like, you know, raspberry. Strawberry. Oh. Lemon? Oh.

Sometimes a lemon. Never lemon. Oh. Oh, no. Saying their raspberry store would be blackcurrant. You can't wait to get at them. A fourth one, apricot. It's like the cores.

It is the Tom Core of the yoghurt pack. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'llner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, boys. I need to confide in you this week about my plumber. You sure you want to say this on air?

Yes. There's been an absolutely, I'm calling it catastrophic, the incident I've had. You've had a catastrophic incident with your plumbing? Yes. Oh, okay. You may recall I was having... I suppose you're of that age now. Let's not talk about age this week.

That should not be said. You may recall I was having issues with my en suite. Did I tell you that? I know, I don't know if you did, actually, did you? I had flooding in my en suite, so it needed seeing to. Okay. So my Lithuanian... There's been a lot of flooding, just like the other countries have been ravaged.

Exactly. My Lithuanian was unavailable. Remember him? I tried to set him up with my cleaner. Remember him? Oh, yes, when you had the staff. Yes, yeah. Your staff are like a World Cup wall chart.

She's Bulgarian, he's Lithuanian. I just thought they might get on. Let's call the whole thing Eastern Europe. Anyway, he was unavailable, so I had to employ a random. I didn't know much about this random. I'm going to have to change his name, I think. From the Google. Because what I'm about to tell you.

What should we call him, Frank? You're good at thinking up random names. Let's call him Lee Harris. Okay, so Lee Harris. He's been avoiding me a bit. He's been a bit erratic. You know when you're seeing someone and they start to go off you?

Yeah. And it keeps, every time you ring, no, but what I'm saying, I'm comparing. You do get it with tradesmen, I agree. Yeah, you do, exactly.

So it's a little bit, the Vodafone you have called is unavailable. Sort of every time I call, the texts don't get answered. It's like, it's getting very like, I Vodafone you have called is unavailable. So every time I call, the texts don't get answered. It's getting very like, I'm Lee Ryan's friends with benefit. I don't like it. So it finally reached something of a head.

It's been six weeks now since this en suite has been flooded. The excuses, I've had enough. He finally was meant to come out. He said, I'm so sorry, I forgot your keys. I said, right. I had a phone conversation with him i remained patient during the phone call but at the end of the conversation i muttered under my breath something about him okay and you're prepared to say well yeah i'll tell you what i said i said

idiot as i replaced the handset and lee. And... But Lee was furious. I then... He was, because I received a phone call two minutes later. Right, well... Excuse me? Did you just call me an idiot? Oh, no. And I've never been so shocked in my life. I did not expect to be confronted.

Do you know what I did? I said, no. Told a fib. I styled it out. I thought... I was talking to myself! You didn styled it out. I thought... I was talking to myself! You didn't style it out. You lied.

That's not the same as styling it out. Hitler, I lied big. I said, no, you're going mad. I don't know what you... I gaslighted him. You and Lance Armstrong, one big lie. I said, I don't know what you're talking about. You must be going mad.

He said, I definitely heard idiot. I definitely heard idiot. I said, no no you heard wrong and then there was a silence and i said okay is that okay then okay bye-bye did you consider the old party line i've got a party line that would be that would be uh oh yeah that would be jeff but you know what frank i did think you know what, Frank? I did think... You know what, we've spoken about party lines. Yeah, I know party lines. When you cross line.

You share your line with someone else to save money. I wanted you boys to think, what should I have said? What could I have said? What does idiot sound like? I could have pretended I was saying. That's what you need to think about for me. You're fast wits.

I'm sure you can come up with something. Yes. Doesn't rhyme with a lot, does it? Yeah, but I could have said something like Inuit and pretended I was doing a currency exchange. Of course, yeah, yeah. I'd like these Euros changed to Inuit. It's so cold in here. Fucking Inuit.

In it. Yeah. In it? In it. In it. I got away with. Yeah. Could have pretended I was Cockney.

I can't. There's nothing. Idioms? that I got away with. Could have pretended I was Cockney. I can't. There's nothing. Idiom? There's nothing. Idiom, yeah. We're just discussing the... No. No.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I've been talking about my run-in with the... What did you call him, Frank? My new plumber, who I hate. I actually hate him.

Lee Harris. Lee Harris. I can't bear Lee Harris. We've had advice, actually. Emily, you could have gone with Idiot. No, I've got the news on in the background and they must have said Idi-Armin. No one's going to believe that one. What about In It Hot? In It Hot. In It Hot. armin so no one's gonna believe that one what about in it hot in it hot in it hot in it hot this time of year the tone in it hot well no because you're in trouble with your pipe i think

my time would have been in it hot yeah exactly um glenn bateman emily should have claimed she said in a bit as in see you in a bit okay let's try that imagine i was doing it in a bit yeah i don't think i'll get away with it if my tone my angry tone well it didn't end there oh no so after this excruciating conversation gilly mop gilly mop yeah like oh they're birds aren't they i'm a keen twitcher yeah no just one just went gilly mott sorry there's a gilly mott that's been on my lawn we've just had it seeded and it's on there yeah it's been driving me crazy and then there you go you speak to just throw in a different bird i don't think peregrine falcon sorry you know what i'm like what did you'd say, what did you call me? Yeah. I'd say, sorry, that's just one of my boyfriends.

Busted. You are. That is a bird. I know it is. Oh, dear. Hold on. I think we're going to have to go to adverts. But we can roll on.

OK. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. We haven't had too many texts this morning. I'd like more. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the Absolute Radio website.

There. We have actually been receiving some texts about what Emily could have pretended she said instead of idiot on the phone to her plumber. In case you've just tuned in, Emily accidentally called her plumber an idiot. Well, not accidentally called him an idiot, but hadn't quite put the phone down.

And I got overheard and I stalled it out. 498 has come up with the excellent suggestion. You could have said you were on a horse and said, giddy up. Giddy up. Giddy up. I think that's great that you were taking calls from the staff whilst on a horse. That's brilliant. What you could have done as well, you could have said, when he found back and said,

didn't you call me an idiot? You could say, just a minute, Ruperupert don't ever call me an idiot again and then he would have I had a terrible one when I lived with David Baddiel he he was found up by um a trade person who was working at the house and they'd been working there for a while um they'd been working there for I suppose for two weeks which gave me enough time to write some songs about them um quite disparaging songs which i sang quite a lot around the house and um this person phoned and dave spoke to him for a bit and he put the phone down as soon as he put the phone down um i started singing one of my songs because obviously it made me think of and then i realized he'd put the phone

he'd actually gone to speak to them on the extension he'd just laid the phone down at the side so they could hear me sing not only to be talked about but to hear yourself being sung about someone had bothered to sit down and write a song about you it rhymed and scammed beautifully

and was extremely insulting did they ever comment on it? You know what, they didn't. You see, that's what it should be like. That's what most people would do. They shouldn't talk back. You know, I once got caught making a face about a boss when I worked in Eureka Children's Museum in Halifax.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where does this come from? Eureka Children's Museum in Halifax? I'm certain I've told you this story before. Frank, did you know you used to work at Eureka Children's Museum? No. Can I just say, in Halifax? She told me off and then turned her back on me.

I was like a... Entertainer? No, just like a staff member, just working. Did you wear a polo shirt? Probably, yeah. So she told me off and then turned her back to me and I went... And with her back to me, she went, you know, I'm looking at your reflection in this glass.

Yeah. And what did you say? I said, I'll get my coat and I left, I think. You should have said, actually, I've suffered all these spasms for years. That would have been a good way. I would have been literally facing it out, wouldn't I? Yeah I think. You should have said, actually, I've suffered with this spasm for years. That would have been a good way. I would have been literally facing it out, wouldn't I? Yeah, aye. Frank, I love that the cockerel's at the Children's Museum.

The Eureka Children's Museum. Yeah. And it is quite a discovery. I'll bet they'll be pretty pleased that they're getting any national breast. That's quite good for them, isn't it? Are they still open? Are they still open? I believe they're still open.

Is it a good job? I bet you can get matey in the shop. you can you could get mighty anywhere frank apparently flair's nightclub is now called pop world oh your star pot world no your star your star is outside the comedy club which is now called highlight oh yes i like the sound of that. Good. I'll be able to find it then. Yeah. I wonder if people ever meet at my star. You know, I'll see you. Yeah, yeah. That's a good... I'll see you at Frank Skinner.

How lovely that would be. I like this. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. What kind of identify the fruit that you ate from the fruit basket. Green, hard, it looked like a cross between an avocado and a lime from the outside, and then pink, pink. It wasn't an avalime, was it? Eh?

An avalime. I just made it up. Avocado and lime mixed together. Oh, no, I don't think it was an avalime. Word version. Avalime. I'm a bit concerned about this, because I think I might be about to have another Descartes moment. Oh, no. Chris Whale has emailed, green skin and pink flesh could have been a pomelo?

That's less embarrassing than Descartes. I feel better about not knowing what it was because we've had like seven or eight suggestions. Most of them have been completely different. They've all differed. of them have been completely different. Could it be the Hulk? Could I have had the Incredible Hulk? Dr David Banner? Were you really full afterwards?

Well, I was full for a bit but then when I calmed down I felt hungry again. Were your jeans frayed but you were still able to do up the button at the waist? Yeah, the button never went. Extraordinary. But you know, big hulky strong men, their waist still stays slim so I think that's alright. I accept that. I've always accepted that with the waist. Yeah, the button never went. Extraordinary. But you know, that's, but big hulky strong men, their waist still stays. That's true. So I think that's alright. I accept that. I've always accepted that with the hulk.

Frank, we've had another fruit-based missive. Okay. This time from someone of your cloth. 894. Hi Frank, not strictly related to your strange fruit question, but years ago I was a novice in a Catholic order, and one week we got 12 star fruit in for a bit of a change.

12 star fruit as a Catholic order? I wonder if 36 kings turned up. A little religious joke there. Thank you. They were revolting. Really, really bad. So bad... I know what he means.

He said none of us touched the things. However, it turned out brilliant when we had guests for meals, as we usually ended them with fruit. So we'd give the visitors a star fruit and watch them trying to eat them through gritted teeth, trying not to offend their religious hosts. Always finish off your food. It's probably right that I didn't go on to take vows. They are. They look better than they are, the clergy.

No, starfruit. If you're trying to eat one without a nut, they've got a lot of hard bits and stuff. They're rubbish. There you go. Let's hope that one of the adverts in the next block I'm playing

isn't for starfruits or they'll be like some bit of a political meeting at Absolute this week apparently he slagged off starfruits just before the big starfruit advertiser did their thing

we'll see what happens this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. See if you can identify the celebrity that I'm quoting. I'm very, very depressed. Woody Allen. No, I wasn't. I had a feeling even as I was doing it,

this was going to sound like Woody Allen. I'm very, very depressed. Is it David Baddiel? No. Rain Man? No, I'll tell you, it's Quentin Tarantino. Quentin, not Quentin. Quentin.

Quentin. Quentin. It's Quentin. Let's call the whole thing off. That's a different name, Quentin. Is it? Yes. Quentin Hogg.

Quentin Tarantino. Thank you. I don't know why, it's spelled the same, isn't it? No, it's not. There's an E and not an I. Pardon? Okay, Qu's not. There's an E and not an I. Pardon? OK, Quentin Tarantino. I know who you mean.

Every day's a school day, isn't it, as you say, Frank? Shouldn't be on a Saturday. Posh school, isn't it? Should be on a Sunday. Quentin Tarantino. I don't know if I'm going to be able to say this properly now. He's ditched his next film idea because he gave the script out to six people

and it's been leaked. And so he said, right, I'm not doing it then. Brilliant. I love that. Can I say I so identify with that? I was just going to say, it's the sort of thing you do. It would. OK, well, let's not do the film.

OK, I'm not doing it now. That's exactly... It reminds me of when Keith offered me a chocolate. I really wanted a Rolo, I think it was. Yeah. I really wanted a Rolo. And he'd had about five before he'd given me one. I was desperate.

I was salivating. And he held out the packet. And as I reached for the Rolo, he withdrew, you know, that joke. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I said, okay, I don't want one now. And he said, no, no, come on, have one. In the end, he put one on a plate, on a tea plate, so that he couldn't possibly withdraw it

and went to the other side of the room. What did you do? I still wouldn't have it. And he's never eaten a roll of sin such. I really wanted it. I really wanted it. Not one. But, no, not after that.

You were having one now, weren't you? A little insight into living with Frank Skinner there. No way, Jose. Can I tell you what I like? Is that, uh, Quentin has got, um... Who? He's drawn up a list of suspects. There are six suspects.

Yeah, it's good, this. And they're all famous, which is not so brilliant. And they all leak the script. And they all leak the script. As well. Yeah. That's how big he is. Nothing he can incriminate the celebrity world.

Great. Um, his suspects include Michael Madsen incriminate the celebrity world. Great. Suspects include Michael Madsen. I like him. He was handsome when he was younger. We all were. Suspects include Bruce Dern. Yes.

And Tim Roth. But he's ruled out Tim Roth. He said, the one that I know didn't do this is Tim Roth. I think it's Tim Roth. It'll be Tim Roth. Oh, yeah. You're so right. I think we all now think it's like the mousetrap imagine if it is tim roth and he's thinking oh god he said that i didn't do it to

everyone when i confess now is it going to seem even worse why did he have to name me the best thing is there's a punishment to actors everywhere he said i'll tell you what i'll do it as a book now yeah awful in it that's great so in a year's time we're going to be able to see michael madsen and tim roth and bruce dunn all in the job center going we should be doing that hateful eight film with quentin now yeah one of them all correct yeah one of them will say oh you mean that multi-best-selling novel that he's written yeah massive massive, massive smash. Better go with the Da Vinci car. Well, he did indicate who he thought it might be. He thinks it's Durno, does he? No, like it's some

friend of yours. He thinks it's Bruce Dern, yes. Or he thinks it's his agent, I think. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, I love the book thing. You know, I wrote, I tried to write a novel because I'd just done a sitcom and I've been working with

actors for three months. I thought, next time I have an idea, I'm going to write a book. Because, you know, somebody says, yes, why am I sitting on this chair, though, and not that chair? And actors, they don't take mind your own business as an answer. They want some, I know you two

are both actors, but... I wasn't that kind of actor, can I just say? I was more like... I'm also glad to say it looking that way. OK. That's the kind of actor I am. I seem to remember that you were the kind of actor who said, look, I do jokes for a living, I think I know what's funny and what isn't.

OK. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. You know the cockerel did his little Woody Allen for us earlier. It was Quentin Tarantino. I'll do it again. I'm very, very depressed. Woody Allen.

It's all right. Well, 546 says, I thought the cockerel's impression sounded like Blanche off of the Golden Girls. Oh. A bit. It's worth knowing that, though. There's a funny thing in the newspaper article about it

where there's a picture of Quentin Tarantino looking really happy and underneath there's the quote, I'm very, very depressed. Slightly jarring. I'm totally with him now. I'm glad it's happened and I'm glad he's taken the massive step of turning it into a book instead of a film.

I hope he doesn't change his mind. Yeah, well, if he does, if it's a book, then that's good because it's called The Hateful Eight. And I loved Famous Five, Secret Seven, so... I did. It's like when Enid Blyton got bitter in it, hatefully. You see, if a similar thing happened in this studio, let's say, amongst us, I would know I could trust you two.

No offence to the ladies, but... To keep it secret? Yeah, I would not suspect you'd be my Tim Roths. I would not suspect you at all, either of you. You're quite honest characters. It's not funny, but it's true true i'm phenomenally good at keeping secrets in fact i keep people's secrets so well i've had people i can think of a couple of examples when people have got a bit miffed that their secret wasn't so potent and interesting that i had to reveal in the song. Yes, I know what you mean. And I'd then say, have you

told? And I'd say, no. I remember saying to someone, no, to be honest, I'd forgot all about it. They were absolutely outraged. I would rather I'd betrayed them. That's the best way of keeping a secret, isn't it? To instantly forget it. Yeah. I just, I don't feel them

burning at me to get them out. If someone says, don't tell anyone that, I just don't. If someone says to me, look, you won't tell anyone, will you? I get very angry about that. I think that's basically saying I'm untrustworthy. You can't add a caveat. You either tell me or you don't. Having said that, I don't think Cocker was that pleased about me

revealing the look I do at comedy for a living. So don't tell me what's funny. I quite like it. Oh, you were all right with it? Okay, good. I'm glad. You're a good man. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

I don't know if you boys have been reading about this character, the Iranian hermit. Have you heard about him? Who hasn't? Amuhaji. Amuhaji. Never seen a better guy? Oh no, sorry, number one super guy.

We had a long debate on the show about the lyrics to this jingling. Hong Kong Foo. It's a Hong Kong Foo. And as my birthday gift Emily has bought me a key ring that says number one super guy so from now on I'll know what

the second line is of Hong Kong Fooey. For Christmas could you get me the second line of Frosty the Snowman? Yes I can arrange that. Because for years I've been going Frosty the Snowman Yeah and the third line of Top Cat. I don't know if it's the third

line but they're providing it with dignity. Yes, that is a toffee. So this character, Amu Haji, he's being called the world's most ineligible bachelor. I love that. I beg to differ, frankly. That honour goes to some other guys that I know. But he has a pretty unorthodox lifestyle,

it has to be said. He hasn't washed. There's no matey here. He has not washed for 60 years. And you can see the amazing thing is it's not like Sting, who I think hasn't washed for about eight years. Sting?

He doesn't wash. Is that true? He doesn't believe in washing. No. Yeah, he's one of those tantric bathers. I don't think there is such a thing as tantric bathers. Two blokes in a pub. Yeah, but this bloke, I mean, he's absolutely black with dirt.

I mean, he's properly... As soon as I saw him, I thought I'd love to get the brown sauce on him, see if that works. Yeah, I would. His favourite hobby is puffing a pipe of animal dung. Whose isn't? And he likes, do you know what he likes drinking? I actually use an electric animal

dung pipe nowadays. It's all mod cons, isn't it? Do you know what I like about him? You know what he likes to drink? His favourite tipple is rainfall from a rusty can. That is a cheap date, if ever I've heard one. And't it? Yeah, it's my round. And he still gets less

belly button fluff than the cockerel. That's true. I bet that's true. You know we've had an email about belly button fluff saying that it is fabric from your trousers and underpants and t-shirts sort of working its way to your belly button. That's scientifically proven apparently.

But why don't I get it, then? I wear fabric. Don't, no. Have you got no hair? Have you got no body hair? Are you smooth? Have you got no body hair? Yes, OK, I'm a reptile. Sorry, I'm just recording. It's a bad time to fest off. I mean, you know, I know there's been a few, you know,

the tongue is a bit on the long side. But, yeah, I'm a reptile. That's what David Icke told me. What about it? He also, I'm a reptile. That's what David Icke told me. What about it? He also, I've got so many facts about this man, I want to continue with them. He sleeps in a grave-like hole, it's described as. Yeah, I didn't like

the fact that they said that. They could have said something else, couldn't they? Like a bed-like hole. They could have compared it to anything. They could have said hole. They could have just said hole. A hole-like hole. Slept in a hole. I don't really need to know what kind of hole it is. He loves rotten porcupine as well. Yeah.

There's nothing wrong with that. Do you think he's over-egging the pudding a bit with his ineligibility? Or pudding. No, but I mean, if I hadn't washed for 60 years, I wouldn't be thinking, I'll tell you what, I'm going to supplement this by smoking a pipe of animal dung. You know, I think that's enough, isn't it? You know how this started?

He did a show in the same shirt for three days and then just lounged about in it. Oh, no. And he thought, this still smells fine. Sixty years later, he's pushing on. And then he ate some food that looked like rotten porcupine. Oh, no. It's the world's dirtiest man

which is what it says on my posters what if he's what if he's what if he's a secret millionaire i need to get in with him oh that would because you can't try you can't judge them now we were talking about keeping secrets but no one's ever kept a secret that well absolute Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think you dare repeat what I just said to you. Right, um... You know what, I couldn't hear it. I'll quote it.

Darling, that's because of how you were brought up. That's exactly what you said. That's because he said he didn't like salad. I don't believe anyone actually likes salad. I don't condemn people for it. I eat salad, but I eat it because I think, well, I'd better have some salad, I suppose. I eat it like I would eat a paracetamol.

Really? Yeah. I've never thought, oh, just fancy a nice salad. Never. Ever, ever. Hot day. Well, I feel the same about chip butters. No, it's fine.

Really? Yeah. Oh. Really? I'd never had one before Frank made me eat one. Anyway, we've got completely food. This has been the food special. This is like the

verb with Ian McMillan. The verb with Ian McMillan. Where they do a special theme every week and they say I have bees. And people come on and do a poem about bees and someone's written a book about bees and then someone just talks about bees and their fabulous sound. It's like if you had to have a theme for the... They do. The bee, even the word bee sounds like a bee.

That's a great impression. I love, I love him. You need him to go really massively famous. They're not going to be a massive star. It's like QI, they do a letter each week, don't they? If Golden Girls comes back, you'll be big. Yeah. With your blanch.

Anyway, we're going to do a final email from email corner food themed it is food themed actually um leslie sanford from good relation brand communications got in touch with daisy about weetabix hi daisy thanks for emailing me but i think she wanted to get in touch with you via daisy um thanks for emailing me back it was think she wanted to get in touch with you via Daisy. Thanks for emailing me back. It was just that the guys at Weetabix, can I just say already, I love that phrase. I like that also. They sound like the T-Birds. Aren't they those

little skinhead men? Do you remember that? I don't know. Yes! I remember that Frank. Stickmen. They weren't stickmen, they were actual Weetabix but they had like jeans on and braces. They sound horrible. No, I don't remember that. They weren't stick men, they were actual Weetabix. Were they? But they had, like, jeans on and braces. They sound horrible. OK, as you were.

Anyway, the guys at Weetabix were really keen to answer the questions Frank had regarding the size of the product, as they realised he thinks it may have got smaller over the years. They realised that, because you said, I think Weetabix has got smaller over the years. The truth is that Weetabix is got smaller over the years the truth is that weetabix is still made the same way and to the same regulations it always has been meaning that the size of each weetabix biscuit has remained consistent ever since the company started i suppose what's happened is i've got bigger that could be it yeah in regards to who makes weetabix weetabix is still produced at the same location in kettering northampton it has been since 1932

using wheat that is sourced from local farmers within a 50 mile radius wherever possible used at the same location in Kettering, Northampton. It has been since 1932. Oh, continuity. Using wheat that is sourced from local farmers within a 50-mile radius wherever possible. We've also sent Frank his very own personalised pack of Weetabix to his agent, so hopefully he will have received this. He'll have taken 15% out of that. Yes, I've got my personal... It's a Weetabix, a standard Weetabix box,

except where it normally says Weetabix, in the same font it says Frank Skinner. Oh, lovely, Frank. Yeah, I'm trying to think what to do. When I've eaten the Weetabix, what am I going to... I've been told off this. Just to balance what is essential now to become an advert for Weetabix,

I have been told off this week for feeding Boz Weetabix by my girlfriend, Kath, because it contains both sugar and salt. Couldn't make their mind up, Weetabix. Well, let's put sugar and salt in. Anyway, thank you for that, and thank you. You know what? If the good Lord spares us And the creeks don't rise

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