The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Meeting Buzz

Episode Date: March 29, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank is joined by Emily and Alun and talks them through when little Buzz Skinner met big Buzz Aldrin. The team discuss Gwyneth and Chris's 'Conscious Uncoupling', Kim Jong-Un's latest fashion demand and Frank remembers a particularly smelly dog.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. And we'd love to hear from you. Text us on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email us. Direct. Shouldn't a little phone come over the horizon when I say direct? Oh yeah, we'll have to sort that out.

Oh yeah, you can direct through the Absolute Radio website. What was that? Do you remember that? Yeah, I know. I'll remember it in a minute. We'll start. Let's start. We've had a tweet from Trevor. Trevor Feelgood. Oh yeah. Lots of people interviewing the Muppets at the moment has Frank seen anyone interviewing Miss Piggy yet?

well we know your views on this Frank no well one of my yes one of my what I would put in room 101 is people interviewing Miss Piggy as if she was a human being and even indulging in flirting with something which is I think is latex foam um to be to be uh technical

about it and i find that also but i can't watch any mop i name that one because the extra layer of flirting but any discussion with a moppet when you're on the show and you've entered moppet world but when they're on like titch marsh andmarsh, and he's saying... Strange choice. So, Gonzo, how did you get into... How did you get into... That's good. Oh, yes, as if that's all right. As if that's... It's normal for something...

I hate it when they play along, Frank, and they go, being an international star like yourself and all that stuff. Shut up. Yeah, as an international superstar, Miss Piggy. Piece of old phone with someone's hand up you. Sorry. No, it was... I don't like it. And also, I find that they're given the sort of benefit of the doubt

for being artificial. So if they say a joke, if I said it, it'd be a bit of a... They get quite a good laugh on it because you think, that's quite good for something that isn't real. But in fact, there's a person underneath doing exactly the same job I'm doing, less well, and getting, like, applause and big laughs.

They think, these comedians, they got it easy, you know. Look at the laughs I'm getting. You're doing that because you're going, Oh! Oh! Don't you touch my... He's really pressed his button, you're going, oh, don't use text box! Just really pressed his button, this Muppet thing, hadn't it? Did they get programme associates credits, people operating the Muppets?

Oh, I should have told you to think like that. The truth is, all this, oh, the Muppets, but the Muppets organisation just shoved them in boxes after, like any other prop. You know, they're not cared for. And you know they're fastidiously clean. They don't like dirty jokes attached to the Muppets. When I was in Montreal, the comedy festival there,

you know there's a phrase, work clean, that the Americans use if you don't do dirty jokes. Do you work clean, Alan? An American comic once said to me, do you work clean? I'm glad they didn't ask Frank in the 90s. Exactly, yeah. But apparently there was somebody in a lift when I was in Montreal who said, I mean, I can work clean, but this is Muppet clean.

Because they had to remove a mention of alcohol or something. Like, they can't even mention it. In a joke that was about not drinking. Really? And they said, oh, you can't even mention drinking. Well, no, they think it's substance abuse, though. Yeah, yeah. But don't get me wrong.

I like the Muppets in their context. In Muppet world? Yeah, in Muppet world, that's fine. It's when I don't come into our world. Don't put them on the... They were very much in our world. They were in their context. In Muppet World. Yeah, in Muppet World, that's fine. It's when I don't come into our world. Don't put them on the... They were very much in our world. They were in the lift. No, we went to their world, though, didn't we?

No, it's Dave. Yeah. But don't put them on the This Morning Sofa, is what you're saying. Yeah, I'm happy to watch it. Well, only Mr Peter used to know, and then he talks to them. Getting all the impressions out today.

Oh, God, yeah. Alan Titchmarsh. Call show. We've also had a text, an email actually. Hi Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. Did they direct through the Absolute website? They did, yeah.

Which is what? What's the address? Absolute. Google Absolute, just do that. Hi Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. Love the show. Oh, I shouldn't have read that bit. And I think I am your youngest listener at 13. I think I'm your long.

Oh. In Reader's Digest when they used to be like, I am John's pancreas. And it used to be a whole thing about being a pancreas from the point of you being a pancreas. Really? I thought that's what this was going to be. I don't like it. It sounds a bit Muppets. You look at me like you've never read the Reader's Digest, Alan. I used to write in the reader's digest did you what did you do

wrote a little column for them for a little while is this like frank played for barcelona no okay what was it i i am alan's kidney yeah yeah basically it was my major organ did you really yeah well we'll have more of this in a minute hang on i'm reading an email that's all right i've got to play music come back to both. We'll come back to both. And I've told you the adverts thing, I had no choice. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were back at the email.

Hi Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, love the show and I think I'm your youngest listener at 13. I'm a first-time writer and I'm just wondering why you call the show's listeners readers. First-time writer at 13. That's broken Britain. Why would we call them readers? Why do we call them readers? Surely they're listened to, not read the show.

Hope you can tell me why. Youth offender number 946. That's good. Excellent. I love a youth offender. Yeah, a youth offender's a good touch. You see, it takes the voice of youth to go to the heart of the matter, doesn't it? Because you just thought, well, hold on, we don't read, we listen.

It's a she, actually. Oh, is it? Sorry. It's all right. It wasn't explained. What's her name? Niamh. That's in the email address. Oh, yeah. She's actually just put youth offender. Oh, I like Niamh. It's all a bit bewitched, isn't it?

No, but he's probably... He's in the girl band group. He wouldn't have his own email at 13, would he? It's probably his mum's. Isn't Neve a she? Neve's a girl's name, love. Why is he? She wouldn't have his own email at 13, would she? I think at 13 they'd have their own email. They have their own email when they're like

seven or something. Shut up! Buzzatbtinternet.com We need to talk. No way. No way. It's a very good question, though. Buzz at btinternet.com we need to talk no way no way well yeah you know it's a very good question though how did that start

the reader stuff I think it started as a slip didn't it on my part and then I think it's because our listeners if I'm going to use the word for a bit

just come across generally and bear in mind that I have Alan and Emily reading the text to me, so I don't see all the ones that say, I hate you. We filter out the protest. We see those.

I'm fine with that. So, I think that they are... Our listeners seem so bright and funny and witty. I sort of think of them as readers, you know what I mean? That's right, yeah. Bookish and clever.

Yeah. Rather than just sitting there and soaking it up. The pendulum swings on that, doesn't it? From them being people in black jeans and Converse trainers and tour T-shirts to then them being readers. Well, but you see, I think that a lot of people in converse and black jeans and t-shirts are actually quite sharp, bright characters. People look at

them and think, oh, beer belly. Fool. Do you know what? I'm really glad you said that because that's all our listenership. Beer belly fool is the dessert that I made this week. Oh, really? Not really. It sounds alright because it's a bit like that. What's that food? Boisbois.

Boisbais. Is that what it is? Boisbais. it's a bit like that. What's that food? Boisbois. Bouillabaisse. Is that what it is? Bouillabaisse. That's French for beer belly. It's not. It is. Also, Frank. Wasn't that direct line?

Oh, that's it, yeah. Does that make good radio? I'm not sure. Oh, no, let's hear about you writing for the Reader's Digest. That makes great radio. Anyway, so can I say, Niamh, if that is you, that yes, it came accidentally, but like Sigmund Freud would say, it was probably because in my heart I felt read rather than listened to.

Next. Yes, Reader's Digest you wrote for. for yeah let's hear about your readers digest columns al hey we're all here amongst us are uh published writers yeah it's just good to be part of that venn diagram which i've been slagged off for saying venn diagrams on the show have you um yeah you know somebody texted in anyway uh yeah i just used to write a little um oh is it called i don't even know what it was called. Was it a northerness view? No, that would have been good though, wouldn't it? Maybe I should suggest that to them and see if they re-hire me.

Yeah. Bargain tips? That's another one. Oh, I bet it was called Pennywise. That's good, yeah. It was so called Pennywise. He's actually used the name Pennywise as a pen name. Oh, that'd be good. My nondeclume should be Pennywise. It's actually used the name Pennywise as a pen name. Oh, that'd be good. And on the plume should be Pennywise.

It has things like light a match. When you go to the bathroom to save on air freshener, Frank. Yeah. Why, it's a fine line. And lighting. What a way to go. That all went up. Yeah, and my mum used to read a magazine called The People's Friend,

which sounds like something that Stalin would have written. And there was an article there. Everything was written by women except one article, which was by the man who knows. I hated the man who knows. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You never really said what your column was about, though. You think I'm going to let it go?

It was a little short column just about, like, funny stuff, things that I've thought. You're a humorist. Something like that, yeah. I suppose you could say... I'm trying to think of what it was called now. Was it Brandrethian? Yeah. The Cockerel Crows.

Was it the Cockerel Crows? I don't think I was known as the Cockerel at that point. When would this have been? A couple of years ago. I'm guessing. I'm surprised you never mentioned it before. Well, you know. OK.

I've had a... Oh. We had the boiler went this week. Oh, I hate it when that happens. I mean, we had a big argument and she just... Oh, 1973 hate it when that happens. I mean, we had a big argument and she just walked. Oh, 1973? Exactly.

How nice to see you again. And I said to my mother-in-law, can I smell your feet? Anyway, we'll leave it there. And she... She uses a smoke alarm, a timer. That's one of my favourites. It was awful because... Why? Well, because we had no hot water and no heating in the house and um i know there'll be many people

listening to this and saying yeah what's your point but i mean we generally do have that and i had a big uh i had a big sort of photo shoot type day and i thought well i'm gonna have to have a wash well we can all relate to that yeah so put type day, and I thought, well, I'm going to have to have a wash. Well, we can all relate to that. Yeah. Did you have to put the kettle on and have a wash? Well, I did. I thought, I'm going to have a cold shower.

I can do it for one morning. Oh, yeah. You didn't do a prison wash, did you? It was... So I put the shower on. Yeah. And I was... Picture this.

I was naked. I opened the shower door. Did you have to say that? I did. I opened the shower door. I didn't to say that? I did. I opened the shower door. If you're having a shower, I don't think you're in there in a bathing suit. I can't get out of my head.

And I stood. I still can't get out of my head. I stood at the gate of the door of the shower and it was like, you know those men who jump from the rocks in Acapulco? That moment when they must think, I can't do this.

And then they jump. I thought, I just can't. I can't get into this shower. And I didn't. I just couldn't. I just couldn't. I was too... I couldn't do it.

I love this story about you not getting into it. It's fair. They usually do jump off those rocks at acapulco which i think is what they say that they do apparently their technique is they imagine that their sort of spiritual self getting outside of their body going behind and then pushing them oh yeah is that right i tried that i couldn't get in the shower your spiritual body couldn't push your real body to be honest there isn't much room in that bathroom for the spiritual body to get out. He didn't quite get out.

He just sort of shuffled backwards a bit. So he was still partly... Not enough purchase. Yeah. I just, honestly... So what did you do then? Did you do prison wash at the sink? I did...

Well, I had to wash because I was being photographed by the Sunday Mirror. It was quite a big thing. I had to change outfits and stuff, so they would have, you know... You need to look box-fresh for that. Well, exactly. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you like my penitentiary shirt today? I do. I like it when you dress a little bit like you're pretending to be a boy so that you can get through a Shakespeare play without anyone finding out you're actually a princess. Because we found out you were a little bit like you're pretending to be a boy so that you can get through a Shakespeare play without anyone finding out you're actually a princess? Because we found out you were a princess

many, many years ago. No, I do it, but you always look so well turned out. Thank you. We've had a text, Frank, from 411, saying feeling your plight, Frank, I've had no hot water since November the 30th. Brr, cold showers not funny.

I just like the fact that it's got brr in there. Yeah, but that's a long time, isn't it? It is a long time, and I like the mystery in there. Like, why? He's not telling us. Or she. Good. But he might be homeless, and he might just be having that real rainy spell we had him.

He might just be talking about that. Oh, I don't know, I don't know. You've coped. What did you do? Baby wipes, let me guess. Baby wipes. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. You've coped. What did you do? Baby wipes, let me guess. Baby wipes. No, no. Dry shampoo.

What I did was I boiled a kettle. And then I boiled another kettle. And then I boiled another kettle. I got over the sink and I did myself. An injury. One piece at a time. Oh. I don't want to know any more.

It took ages, but yeah, I did myself in sections. You've said too much. And, you know, it's been like the fourth bridge by the time you've washed your hair, you have to start your feet again. Nice. Is it working now, the heating? It is. When I got back, a man had been in.

I bet that was George, wasn't it? He looks very well turned out today, doesn't he? He looks clean as a whistle. There you go. But it's good to have these things now and again i think because i had a hot shower this morning and i thought to myself this truly is a wondrous thing and marvelous that the water can be heated in this way by electrical equipment i never think that metal bird in sky exactly i'll be thinking that again later. I always, you know, I always have it when I watch cricket on the telly.

I will say to my girlfriend, I'll say, can you believe these people are actually playing cricket now in a different country? As it's actually happening, we're watching it. That bloke is there now. He's doing that. We can see him. In colour! Can i ask you a

question frank do you book phone calls to australia four days ahead i never found anyone in australia i thought it was one of my ashes i can't i thought it was one of my catchphrases was it's amazing what they can do now but it seems like it's i can go through all sorts of things but when the cricket comes on the telly live, I am beside myself, as my spiritual body would say, when it was going to push me. When there was enough room for him. The thing that blows my mind is there's some... You know, some hotels have mirrors that don't steam up.

They've put a thing behind the actual... Is that right, Al? You know, you have a shower and you get out and you expect a mirror to be steamed up. I was in a hotel the other day and it just had a big circle where my face would be, totally non-steamy. And I just think, how do they do that? That's amazing! That's incredible.

Amazing what they can do now, isn't it? What do you think, that's Vaseline on the glass? Who's been in that hotel room before you? Maybe that's what it was, yeah. But I missed that bit when you sort of scrape a bit out. When you scrape a bit out so You know, mist. Yeah, when you scrape a bit out so you can see your, your face.

Yeah. Oh, it's lovely. It's like the opening to some sort of crazy 80s pop video. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live

every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, I have some news in. Go on. It's not quite a hold. You don't have any news, do on. It's not quite a hold... You don't have any news, do you?

It's not quite a hold in my hand, this piece of paper, but... Nugget... I spoke this morning with the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler. I did, but that's none of your business. OK. Nugget has tweeted us... He's tetchy, isn't he? Guess what?

Go on. Kokoliki's column was called Alan's Wallet. No, it wasn't. That was Nugget's joke, not mine. Okay. It was called Little Epiphanies. Am I correct, Nugget says? That's right, yeah.

Well done, Nugget. Little Epiphanies. I mean, a column entitled Little Epiphanies is still available, should there be any publishers listening. How long were you in the digest? I don't know, I think about a year, a year and a half, something like that. I've decided I'm going to start reading it again. I am.

I'm going to subscribe today. I'm not in it now, so... No, that's why I'm going to start reading it again. Ouch! No, I... I don't know if I... I used to read it in waiting rooms, that traditional way of reading it. Now I'm going to go back.

Anyway, look, I... I went to Hayes last weekend after the show. Oh. Which is an area of, well, it's not an area of London, is it? Does it qualify? I'm not the right person, darling, for outside London information. It was a nice day. It was a nice day.

Did you make Hayes while the sun was shining? I walked into that. Now, what happened was that there's a company called Autographia, and they stage sort of autograph and photo sessions. Oh, do they? So they take over a hotel, kind of, and have lots of famous people in. And they sort of, you know, people queue up to have the photo took and pay and stuff. Anyway, I'd been tipped off that Buzzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon, was going to be there.

Oh. And as you may know, my son is named after Boz Aldrin. He's called Boz. You see, I didn't try and mess about with it. I just did that. Real name? Of Boz Aldrin? Edwin.

Oh, lovely. Yes. Although it was a nickname for him, it's the proper name for my son. And in fact, well, anyway, so I got a photograph of me. I had to hold Boz, because the original Boz is 84, and I think he's a photograph of, well, me, I had to hold Boz because the original Boz is 84, and I think he's a great man,

but I wasn't going to trust him to hold my son to that age. I mean, even if he has got some sort of engineering degree still. Yeah, exactly. And if he did some terrible injury and you had to spend the rest of your life saying, well, weirdly enough, he was dropped by the man he was named after. Punchline would work thin. Yeah, exactly. Because, you know, I never know whether Boz at 84

might think that weightlessness is still... You know, he might just, like, let him go for a bit of a laugh. Did you tell him he was named after him? I did. I said... I said, I named him after you, and he said... He looked at me to say, what's his name? And I said, it's Boz. And he said um he looked at me i'd like to say what's his name and i said it is it's buzz and he said double double z and i said uh i thought ether he's he's he knows some odd alternate

spellings or he's fallen asleep and that's him snoring snores in a sort of speech bubble kind of a way and i said um yeah double z double Z, and he went, hi, Buzz! And then went straight into the post for the photo. But it was very exciting. And I've got this photo, and I'm so pleased and thrilled to have this photo, a big Buzz, little Buzz. And I showed it to someone, and they said, oh, you should have had a Buzz like you.

There's only two of them now, out of the three. Who said that? That man from McFly? I was dragged out. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've got a good text in from Ian Angel. Is it Angel we've decided it was?

Yes, Ian Angel. Regular texter, often comes up with a funny pun. He does. Here we go. How about that? You wait ages for a buzz and then two turn up at once. That's good. You see, that's why I call them raiders. Yeah, exactly. Violation on Frank's face at the pun.

Oh, I love it. I love it. So when you went to the hotel full of people that were going to be giving out autographs, was there not a slight danger that people might have thought you were going to be like signing out i thought about this because everybody there um you don't less famous you don't get for it no i wouldn't say buzz alter was less famous um but for example there was a war a whole wall of um the girls from octopussy is right? And they were signing photos of them. You know Octopussy, the Bond film?

Oh, yeah. Did you get their autographs then? It is at a local club. I'm confused that there's a whole wall of them, rather than, like, you mean, like, sitting at a desk or something? Well, they're at desks. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. So they sit under pictures of themselves.

They haven't got bikinis at desks, have they? I can't abide that. They sit under a big poster of themselves, how they looked in Octopussy. Oh, that must be nice for them. It's very cruel. Indeed, yeah. I love photographs of me aged 16 looking hot.

But they were £15 for a signed photo of them. And I did sign quite a few autographs while I was there, and I did think... Were they free? Well, obviously, I'm not going to say, someone said, can I have your autograph? Yes, that'll be £20, please. I couldn't, you know. If you're in an event... That's like people giving out the free newspapers outside

news urgence. It feels like you shouldn't really do it there. Oh, Alan, save that. Save that for your Pennywise column that's next month have you had a little epiphany well get out do you know what frank i'm just i'm so glad i do love the name buzz anyway yes i'm glad you named him after buzz and not neil because that's a bit boring isn't it yeah exactly and also it's setting the bar too high, isn't it, the first man?

Yeah. He doesn't want to spend the whole lifetime trying to be... So, Buzz has had... He's looking quite well, Buzz Aldrin. We just saw the photographs, actually. Yeah, he has had a... He's had a... Deep tan. He's had a facelift. You can't say that he's definitely... No, he had...

I think he owned up to it. He was asked in the paper about it, and he said that the G-force, all that G-force had slackened his gels. But I think he was joking. I'm pretty confident he was joking. But, yeah, so it was really exciting and it was great. I couldn't help thinking,

when I'm 80, am I going to be wearing an England football shirt and sitting photo, signing photos somewhere? Next to mini Franks. For the worst ways to go, aren't they, I think. It was all right. Don't have a facelift though, Frank. Boz's autograph, by the way, in case you're wondering, 350 quid.

What? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us. Go on. We've already had some good'uns this morning. On 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the Absolute Radio website. We've had an email in from Richard Hatch.

Hi, Frank. How about this for a mind-bender then? You sitting at home watching the cricket, and because of the huge difference in the speed of light and sound, you hear the thwack of leather on willow before the people in the stands. Well, it blows my mind anyway. Is that right? Rich, first-time writer, medium-time reader. I love Richard.

If that's right, that is even. That's... Wow. Sorry, I'm... that's absolutely stunning i once um i was at the um world cup and we were watching um i didn't go to every game but so one of the games we watched in an outdoor cafe in south africa and there were several other outdoor cafes on the same street. Yeah. All watching it on big screens. And every big screen was like a slightly different target. So you'd be watching and you'd think, oh, this is a good attack.

You'd be like, oh! So you knew they'd missed. It was... The whole time thing went... It was a spoilers fest. It was. It was like... It went timey-wimey and all that. I couldn't...

Apparently we've had another text in regarding Buzz's autograph prices. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. 877. 350 was his lowest price. A mission inscription was extra. If you wanted his autograph on something that already had Armstrong and Collins' signature, it was nearly £915.

It's funny how it goes off if it's on with the other two. He obviously knows what they're worth, doesn't he? Yeah. So if you get all three... Well, I was saying earlier, Collins is the worst, let's be honest. Oh, what? Come on, it was in that stupid little thing. It was like a little sidecar on Wallace and Gromit.

It wasn't even a proper car. You couldn't even get on the main one. I believe I called him the designated driver of that. No, but it's a bit like having, like, in the films, the person who's driving the car for the two mobsters, they come running out the bank and he's waiting. He's obviously, he's often

quite a nice guy who's been sort of grabbed in. He's just, you know, he's struggling a bit at home and he just needs the money. He's not prepared to go in there with a gun, but he will drive the car. That's how I'm seeing Michael Collins. And also, my son's called Buzz Cody Collins. Oh, yeah, you are. I should have gone Buzz Neil Collins,

but that would have been an extra 900 quid, the registrar told me. We also had somebody text saying, I saw you at the Autographica show held in Hayes, brackets London Borough of Hillingdon, for some reason. Oh, well, that's because I wasn't sure where it was. Thank you for that. Carrying little Buzz. Spaceman Aldrin changed his name by deed poll to Buzz some years ago.

£350 to £1,000 for his autograph must have made it well worth the change. And then a smile. Well, I spoke to... He just got fed... I suppose he thought, I'll save time if I don't have to do those inverted commas around Buzz. Oh, yeah. He's thinking time. I once had this conversation. Who checks up on you if you don't change your name? I was talking to

Sarah Cox and she used to be Sarah with an H. Have you ever done this before? And then she changed it to Sarah with just S-A-R-A. I don't know but it might have been the 90s. Sarah Cox, yeah. And I said, think of the time you've saved signing autographs by not having to do that H.

And I said, if we contacted H from Steps, asked him how long he'd spent signing autographs, we could work out exactly how much time he'd saved. Interesting piece of mathematics, I thought. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Mathematics, I thought. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah.

I was talking to Bruce Sandless, who was the first man to walk in space on one of those walks where it's machine-driven. You're not on a lead. Oh, they don't count. I hate those ones. Oh, no, they're really dangerous. Exciting. Oh, are they?

Oh, I like them then. They're all frightening. But he said that over breakfast or something, Buzz had been saying that he was thinking of changing his name by a deep hole to buzz light year aldrin he's covering every possible i bet there was money money involved wasn't it oh god i love him this is frank skinner absolute radio i'll tell you what we haven't talked about this morning. Well, that could be a long list.

The conscious uncoupling. Oh, yes. That was a phrase none of us knew before this week. No, I bet Buzz Aldrin's done a bit of conscious uncoupling, hasn't he? All right. You know, when they... Spurs. Yeah, when they separate from the mothership.

I bet you've done a few unconscious couplings. Yeah, exactly. Damn, damn, you'll say that to me. In the Pernod years, not recently. And the Pernod years

are the hardest. They had... So they decided to split up. Yes, it's Chris Martin and Gwynny Pig, as we like to call her. Yeah. Do we?

Yeah. And they went... They went civilised, didn't they? Very. I don't like civilised. I like lawsuits. Well, you could join the rest of the media who do not like civilised. They didn't like it. Because people have really reacted badly.

Putin's had better press than they have this week. I know. He hasn't split up. And Kim Jong-un. Has Putin split up? Call me. Don't think so. Call you.

He looks all right. So, yeah, he bought her a picture of a bird in flight to celebrate the new stage in their relationship. Oh, like the bird in flown. Yeah. And they've gone on holiday, which is pretty impressive. To celebrate this, not to celebrate, but to... Just to have a little... I think it was like a little calm before the storm thing of going, right...

It's to celebrate the new stage in the relationship. Oh, I see. I like to bake a pedigree chump pie to celebrate the new stage in the relationship. I don't, I'm actually impressed by them. I think it's amazing if you can pull that off. Yes. But I can't, I'm afraid. I'm too bitter. People are bitter that they're trying to pull it off

it seems like much of their bad press is about them just trying to be nice that seems like people really resent that if you try and act like a grown up and don't accept your children I like a bit of the conscious uncoupling and all the niceness I think

I must say I wouldn't let any husband of mine who was in a band feat Rihanna. You remember when they did the song that feat Rihanna? Yes, I do remember feat Rihanna. Once I saw on his list of, you know,

where I'm going today, are we going to do China... What's it? China Princess or something? Yeah. Once I saw feat Rihanna, I'd say, I don't think so. I love that it's become a new euphemism.

You'd be like, oh, no, I'm Feeting Rihanna. So, yeah, Sarah Ferguson used to use it, I think. Johnny Brian, pretty cool. Very good reference, Frank. I wouldn't have let that go, I must say. They said that there's two people playing teacher now. Yeah, one's student and one's teacher. Oh, there was one student, one teacher.

Are they both teachers now? I'm not sure. Yeah, that's what they're saying. They're taking it in turns to teach each other about themselves. They made a big fuss about it. I think they're homeschooling, basically, is the short answer. The Daily Mail laid into them for two people playing tea. It's a commonplace phrase amongst my friends in the S&M community. Well, then it's fine.

Yeah, I don't know why they're meant to do big fuss about it. I just feel sorry for them. What is nice about a breakup, let's be honest, is you do get the licence to be quite horrible about someone, just for a couple of months. It's like about a 90-day period, I think, isn't it? The hatred bender. And I think that's OK.

I think it's good. They probably are being horrible, though, behind the scenes. They're keeping quite dignified in the public eye, though, aren't they? But they've got the kids. They've got Apple and Moses to worry about. Apple will be fine. She's strong, strong inside. I like you two. You've got Apple and Moses to worry about. Apple will be fine. She's strong, strong inside. I like you two.

You've got a bit of Phil and Holly on this morning. Apple's got a strong core, I think. Oh, very good. And Moses, I think, is on tablets at the moment. You know what? Puns and sympathy. I can't bear this. I like Apple and Moses.

They're marking off a biblical timeline. Apple, Moses. Sadly, they never got to the New Testament. Skinner Dean and Cochran together in the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio

Email Corner We've arrived. to go. Email Corner. We've arrived. We have. I have moored our boat. Shall we start with Liam from Liverpool? I like the alliteration. I think he might be one of my regulars. Hi Frank, Emily and Alan.

Or Steve, delete as appropriate. That's cold. I was just reading BBC News, and after reading a story on the friend of the show, Kim Jong-un, I wanted to know the team's thoughts on the new North Korean law requiring all men to get the same haircut as their glorious leader. Dear leader, I believe he's called, isn't he? That's his most common. He has several, I think.

Dear leader. I think brilliant leader is another one yeah bashful leader that's one of the ones that they barely use bat leader

is that they call him the fat controller would you be willing to star yourself after the great man what about miserable leader would I be happy well um we should explain if people don't know most people know this story don't they he's he's made

um haircut rules hasn't he yeah so traditionally i think the pre-existing rules um were that there were 18 styles acceptable women 10 for men you know those do remember the days when you'd go to a hairdresser's and there'd be a book that you'd look through with pictures of people and you'd say, I'll have that, please, and they'd do it for you. There must be an 18-page book in every North Korean hairdresser's and you'd just pick one of the... I like that. And they all look like they're under police investigation.

I imagine you'd say, I'll have two number 18s. Have you got any prawn crackers but so you get you get done like that yes you do get done like that yes you do so you can take an affair um let us trim our hair in accordance with the socialist lifestyle is that what it says which is what i believe you said to me. No, it's what you said once. That's what he says, yeah. One thing I like about communism is the lack of freedom. Oh, here we go. I like the fact, I don't know about you,

but when I go into the hairdressers... Too much choice. And the bloke says, OK, what do you like? I always think, oh, just get on with it. Yeah. And the other week, I went into a head... Said I, never. And I said to the guy, what do I always say? I always say, number three, back and sides,

a little bit off the top. That's what my style is. I'd love a style. Number three, back and sides. And he said, oh, I think four. Oh. And I thought, don't ask. We're not bartering on my haircut.

Oh, right. This is what I want. I said, no, no, I want three. What's the difference with four? Well, four is slightly longer. But you know what? Frank would have to go back again sooner. And I'm the one that's considered thrifty.

Is that his motivation? Yeah, I like Pennywise. That's something for your column. I reckon Kim Jong-un, I reckon he's two. I reckon two all round. Maybe even one all round. He goes two at the sides, yeah. He's got the buzz cut.

Well, they call it the Chinese smuggler. Do they? Yeah, that's what it's called, Frank. If I ever met Kim Jong-un, I wouldn't be able to resist just rubbing my hand against the grain of his hair on the sides, just to feel that lovely spike. If I ever met Kim Jong-un, I wouldn't be able to resist full stop. I think I can see myself in the compound. You know what, I think he looks...

I think he looks cool. I mean, if you're going to have a haircut imposed on you, I'd be happy with that particular one. I'd prefer that to Kim Jong-il, because he had the Dallas bouffant. That was to make him look taller. Oh, was it? Yeah. I mean, we should all think ourselves,

considering that Kim Jong-un has got nuclear weapons, we should think ourselves, look, he hasn't imposed this on the whole world. If I see anyone on a tally or anything that doesn't have this haircut, oh, I'm going to wipe out the planet. Where's me clippers? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute

Radio. God damn. Kim Jong-un here on Absolute Radio this morning. Yes. Natch, natch. I, you see, I don't know. I mean, I think you would pass muster, Frank. Don't you think?

Because your hair is regulation. Can I just do my Kim Jong-un? I mean, I think you would pass muster, Frank. Don't you think, in the Republic? Because your hair is regulation. Can I just do my Kim Jong-un? Please do. Just friendly to you that hasn't got a webcam. We all stood throughout that. That's a friend of the show for world leaders. Kim Jong-un is a friend of the show. I think he is in a way, isn't he?

Along with Ross Noble and Britain's Fattest Man. Extraordinary. Contributes. Yeah, and Peter the Wild. Anyway, let's not list all the friends of the show. Yeah, but I don't think Alan would pass muster. No. Well, we've had a text in saying,

what do you do in North Korea if bald? And I, not in North Korea, but in life, I would be delighted by baldness. I hate my own hair. Do you know, sorry, I'll continue. I think I've had five good hair days in my entire life and they've been completely random. What you need to do is offend someone in the Russian government.

Yes. You'd be bald in six weeks. Eat some sushi. I like your hair with a bit Russian government. Yes. You'd be bald in six weeks. Eat some sushi. I like your hair with a bit of length. Thanks. I went for a haircut recently and tried to do the thing that my wife does of taking a picture along and saying,

I want this haircut. And I googled men's short hairstyles and about 400 pictures of Brad Pitt come up. And you think, well, he could have any hairstyle and he looks good david beckham and brad that's cruel as well and then one of a guy with a really funny afro that was it that's that's a lot also they shouldn't show brad pitt that's like those octopussy women having to pose under the pictures of their mage 22 well i tried that i just i just put in hairstyles and um I got about 5,000 pictures of Harry Styles. That was a spelling thing.

I'd love hairstyles. I'd love hairstyles like his. You know, I had a haircut. He's got nice hair, hasn't he? I had a haircut when I was on tour once. Yeah, lovely. And I went into the barber's, and he said, how do you want it cut? And I looked, there was a poster of me on the wall.

I'll just have it like that. And he did, he just, he did it like that. Picture of me with it short. I mean, but life to have it like that. And he did, he just did it like that. Picture of me with it short. But life isn't always like that. Oh, can I just mention, you were asking what do you do if you're bald? Yeah. In North Korea, this is not a general. No, just in general.

This is not the texting. Very easy. Smoke a cigar is the answer to that. No, if you're bald in North Korea, I know the answer to that. Apparently, you're bald in North Korea I know the answer to that Apparently you're allowed to grow your hair up to 7cm long To hide the balding What about if you're completely bald? What about if you're like poor old Duncan Goody

If you fell out of a train in North Korea If they got them What would he have felt? They'd have just caught him and took him straight to prison I imagine so, yeah It doesn't seem fair to me. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I'm not done with KJ yet.

OK. KJU. Yeah, KJU. Well, two things I'd like to point out. One was one of the quotes which I enjoyed from one of the Koreans, was our leader's haircut is very particular, if you will. Does that sound like a man under pressure at all? But the other thing is we've had a tweet in from Eddie

who says everyone without exception should have to have a bald head and the same selection of wigs, e.g. Monday Beehive, Tuesday Mullet, etc. What do you think of that i think uh would it actually say monday on it like but you know like children's kids that'd be just everyone has monday on their head yeah i um what i like the idea of everyone having their head shaved i think has probably got pluses i I mean, that would be the lice thing would be wiped out. It's a great leveler aesthetically as well. You know where you stand with people, don't you? The problem is people who manufacture swimming hats would be furious because their business would be in ruins.

Yeah. But I don't see why we have to have the same wigs, why we couldn't have a variety of different ones. But everyone with the same hairstyle on one day would look pretty startling. A great film, wouldn't it? I mean, men and women as well. Oh, I love it. So everybody's got it.

So it's a fabulous arthouse movie. But I'd make it, I wouldn't do short, I'd have to be like Dog the Bounty Hunter or something. Dog the Bounty Hunter? I want every man, woman and child has to have hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter. You know what? If you took a photo of Dog the Bounty Hunter into your hairdresser and said, I want every man, woman and child has to have hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter. You know what, if you took a photo of Dog the Bounty Hunter into your hairdresser and said,

I want this, that would make me so happy for the following week, I think. Does he dye his hair, Dog the Bounty Hunter? What do you think, Frank? I don't know, you do get natural blonde people. OK. Liam Gallagher. I like Liam Gallagher hair. It's thick, innit? I just basically get jealous of people with thick hair.

Martin Freeman. Oh, no. Thick. They're hot. They suffer in the summer, though, people with the hot hair. Do they? Hot hair. They get hot hair.

That's what my girlfriend, whenever we watched X Factor in the old days, Cheryl Cole would come on. She'd go, oh, hot hair. And she does look, it looked like she's wearing, you know, have you ever been out running in a woolly hat and thought, I wish I'd worn this, it's too hot? That's what they're like all the time, those people. Oh, really? I don't want that then, I'm backtracking.

Glad you've made me see the error of my words. You don't need to worry, their hair arrives in a cab separately to them, it's fine. Oh, does it? Yes. I'm not even going to say allegedly, it just does. Shall we do another email? Yes, let's fine. Oh, does it? Yes. I'm not even going to say allegedly, it just does. Shall we do another email? Yes, let's. Let's do it. Well, I like the

sound of having a paper, it makes it sound all offline. Allow me. Okay. Hi all, I've been listening to your podcast. Is this a hi all? Hi all. Oh, God, thank you. Hi all. Pause. I find the greeting hi all, not as popular as it was. Especially after the chat about shaved heads.

Exactly. Higher All. I've just been listening to your podcast from January 2013. In between Saturday listenings, the joy of the podcast is that we're out there historically as well, isn't it? Is that the joy? I don't know. And took note of your New Year's resolutions for last year. How did they go? For this year?

No, for last year. Oh. For 2013. Here they all are, in case you have forgotten. Well. Okay. Frank, have a second attempt at drinking two litres of water a day and try to pickle herring. I'm so glad there was two litres of water a day.

I thought that was just have a second attempt at drinking. Well, it's funny she said, because what's happened with the drinking two litres of water a day, is I've done a bit of a, well, I've had a bit of a what would Jesus do. I've turned the water to non-alcoholic wine. I'd say I'm getting through two litres of that most evenings. We gave you a crate, didn't we? As for the herring, I think I've accepted now. I wasn't born to souse. Did you try, though?

You did try. I had a go. Lovely. And inedible. The Guardian. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Frank, you've had a second attempt at drinking two litres of water a day

and tried to pickle herring, so... Very bad fail. That was your New Year's resolution for January 2013. Epic fail. Here we are in 2014. Emily, jump out of bed in under three seconds every morning. Depends who's there. It can be very swift indeed.

Do you have a moment of going, ugh? It can be very swift you wouldn't believe it your alarm goes off and then you lie there i've really tried i hit the snooze button on life sometimes but um i never hit the snooze i know well this is what i admire in you. I'm afraid it's at least five to ten on the snooze still. No. Sorry about that, Frank. How long do you have exactly before you get up? You just get straight up? I, well, sometimes I'll have like, if I've had night nurse,

he texts me three or four minutes just to get my bearings. You've got your panic button, though. But if I'm in another, If I'm sleeping somewhere else, sometimes you get that, where am I? Oh, I hate that. But I'm... And then you wake up and the bounty hunter's next to you. I would always be out within four minutes, Max.

Really? That's two lots of snooze. One snooze is five. From waking to standing. Do you do snooze? No. No. No. Okay, calm down.

I'm awake, I'm up. Especially on Saturday mornings for this. Oh, I put the phone quite far away from the bed with the alarm on. Good idea. So I have to get up to get to it. Well, they tell you not to sleep within a metre of your brain. Is that right?

Yeah. Really? You know, it rots it during the night. Oh, well, I don't stay in hotel rooms that are that big, so sometimes they're a bit pokey. I don't believe that. I just put them in my sock. That's a metre, isn't it?

Did you read that in one of your New Age magazines? I don't believe that phone thing. Do you not believe it? No. Oh, OK. Anyway, we could get to my New Year's resolutions. Yes, what was yours? Well, it says Alan, get a stretcher! And a question mark, exclamation mark, which I think might be one of our comedy riffs. I think we might have been improvising away and I went, oh, yeah, I want a stretcher.

What happened to our comedy riffs? I think they peaked in January 2013. Yeah, they were good, in case. But it also says, and prioritise sleep. I remember being roundly mocked for that. Prioritising sleep? Yeah, I thought that was a great New Year's resolution, to get someise sleep. I remember being roundly mocked for that. Prioritising sleep? Yeah, I thought that was a great New Year's resolution to get some good sleep. Prioritising sleep.

You mocked it. I still find it funny. But then, newsflash, 2014, my wife bought me a special pillow for my birthday. Oh, yeah? She reckons you get 25% better sleep using this special pillow, and I am feeling much better rested.

So there you go. Let's leave it there for a bit. Let's just think about that. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Don't look at me. OK. I'm going to look at you, because it's the top of the hour.

I thought you were going to tell them who we were and how to get in touch with us and all that stuff. I need to get some bandages on these wrists. All right. So, oh, yeah, top of the hour, yeah. Yeah, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Well remembered, Cochran! Beautifully done, Nancy. Beautifully done, our honourable leader. Dear leader. Yeah, dear leader. I've got bubbles in my tea. Dear leader, I married him. Frank doesn't like these bubbles. It's from Jane here.

I've got some sad news for you and I. It's from Jane Austen, actually. No, I think it's Dear Leader, I Married Him. No, it's not. It's Dear Reader. That's Jane Austen, isn't it? Dear Leader, I Married Him, I think, is Jane Eyre. Is this today's texting? Maybe you're right, mate. Is this quote from Jane Austen or Jane Eyre?

Let's find out. It's very commercial radio. I'm happy to be proved wrong. I've got some bad news for you and I, actually, Frank. Bronte. Bronte, which is what Kim Jong-un calls Debbie Harry. Can you just say anything, Alan? Is that allowed?

Just say anything. Here's the bad news for a couple of double-hard, like, macho, alpha-male guys like me and Frank Skinner. Yeah. Apparently, there's a new hardest man in the world in town. It's a New Zealand doctor who stitched his own leg up after a shark attack. Whoa.

And then... Oh, I love it. I mean, this is the bit, the real... I'm sorry to interrupt. Breaking news. Oh, yeah. Frank's right. Am I?

Yeah. OK. He then went to the pub for a beer. He got bitten by a shark. That's my ringtone sorted. Frank's right. Me saying Frank's right. That'd be good.

His name's James Grant, and he was spearfishing near Colac Bay in New Zealand when, as he tells it, something leched onto my lig. I'm going to do the voice all the way through, you know I did my Australian last week so this week I think we should do New Zealand. It was, inconceivably it's even worse this week. He then swam to shore and stitched up his leg using a first aid kit. I'd just gotten into the water, killed a fish and something latched onto my leg, Dr Grant told the BBC. That's great. I like the order of things. That's the food chain, isn't it, right there. I killed a fish, something latched onto my leg, Dr Grant told the BBC. That's great. I like the order of things. That's the food chain, isn't it, right there?

I killed a fish, something latched onto my leg. It's just happening. And then I thought it might have been one of my diving buddies. Turn round, big shark had latched on. What I did was I just put a couple of little stitches in to take it back together. I'm finding this absolutely unbearable. Absolutely unbearable is the new Australian show.

I thought that was all right, wasn't it? No, it's not all right. It's awful. One of my diving buddies. That's what they have, though. They have diving buddies. You have to go down in pairs. You can't go on your own. I don't have any diving buddies, I'm not saying. I have had in the past. Imagine Frank going diving.

Something I don't have. If you don't swim, you wouldn't have diving buddies, would you? I'll shut your face. As it says in Isaiah, my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways. That's what I feel about this man. Sure that's not Charlotte Bronte. I love this man.

No, it's... I love this man. I like it when he went to the local pub and they gave him a bandage because he was dripping blood on the floor. Yeah, you can't apply that rule. He's so fostered that, isn't he? Some pubs in the north will just be full of bandages

if they do that. Dripping blood. An old mate of mine, Shane, he was a felt roofer and perhaps I'll tell his story after. I like a felt roofing anecdote. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Talking Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Talking about this Aussie, well, you might have thought he was South African. No, New Zealand. It was Kiwi. Oh, I'm sorry, he was Kiwi. I was doing a very accurate Kiwi, I think. Well, I'm essentially testosterone intolerant. But I did something quite similar to this when i was on a walking holiday with my girlfriend oh let's hear what this is stitch yourself up and fall off a shark on a walking holiday and then walked into a pub with your leg dripping with blood i think i

said something similar i didn't say exactly the same all right so what did you do well i went um we were going on a walking holiday the coast to to coast, in which you walk from the east coast to the west coast. Oh, yeah. Across the Lake District, Yorkshire Dales, et cetera. Beautiful. And I thought, well, I won't be bothered by any walking boots. I've got those big, chunky boots I used to wear in the 80s, those bright red. Do you remember Art?

Do you remember there was a shoe company called Art? No. Used to make big, chunky metal things. I think I know the sort of thing you mean. Yes, the sort of thing that you'd see people in Camden wearing. Like sort of radioactive Doc Martens. I know them. Yeah, but with lots of metal on and big, chunky... Anyway, so I wore those.

That's absolutely disgusting. Anyway, so I walked in those and I got very bad blistering. And so what I did, and I heard this as an army thing, I sat with Kath that night and I threaded a needle in cotton. And what you do is you put the needle through the blister and then you drag the long length of cotton through the blister. Also avoid buying a new pair of boots, just FYI. As the cotton goes through, it soaks up the liquid.

The moisture from in the blister. About £29 you can get them from. And I was doing it, and Kath lay on the floor. And I said, what are you doing? She said, well, I've sort of, I've more or less fainted. So I'm lying on the floor to avoid the drop. But I mean, I know I'm about to faint. Which, of course, you don't believe in.

I don't believe in fainting. Even more of a problematic one. I think what she did was essentially fainting, except that she forgot to just lie with her eyes shut and keep quiet. Which is what fainters do. What fainters do. Do you remember that song? No.

Okay. And I did that. I drained them like that. I had a lot of... Drained your own foot blisters. Yeah, a lot of pus-soaked cotton. I'll say that. Please.

What is wrong with you? Well, it did work, though. They went down. It worked. Yeah work, though. They went down. It worked. Yeah, they just, they went down to that. You know when you find a bit of balloon after a balloon's burst? Yeah. You don't find the balloon.

Did you find it quite satisfying? I did. I found making her semi-faint, I thought, was quite common. Not the draining of the blisters bit. The draining of the blisters. What I've done is I stopped at a shop actually on the walking holiday and bought some walking boots. When he saw the boots, I was walking in this bloke.

What did he say? He said, how far have you walked in these? And I said, 87 miles. He said, no, but in these. I said, 87 miles. He said, you haven't walked 87 miles in these. Have you come 87 miles and then started walking I said no I've walked 87

he was absolutely astonished and so my advice is if you're going walking in London do take a needle and plenty of cotton you're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio want your Frank fix a little sooner listen live every Saturday from 8am

on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We've had some texts in. Frank is right, needle and cotton is essential when walking. I've used it many times and recommend it, Anna. OK.

Frank, I always do that with my blisters. It works from 5 to 6. What a day I've had, many times and recommend it, Anna. OK. Frank, I always do that with my blisters. It works from five to six. What a day I've had. Jane Eyre. Oh, you're so right today. Frank lied right. I'm going to start calling myself. If I was you, I'd be so happy about things like that, Jane Eyre.

I just wake up in the middle of the night smiling about that. Yeah. What are you going to wake up in the middle of the night thinking about? That's none of your business. Getting it wrong. That's none of your business. OK. wrong. That's none of your business. Okay. That's between me and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Someone's texted about the felt roofer. Did we hear your felt roofer story? Thanks for that reminder. Yeah. Who texted that? 240. Thanks, 240. I had a friend who, a very close friend of mine, called Shane Shane who was a felt roofer and we

went to a party this was in my heavy drinking days we dropped him off at his house remember he stood on the lawn and drunk a whole bottle of Blue Nun wine just and

that's how they recommend you serve it and I said on a lawn I said off to bed now then he said no he said I'm working he said I've got vans picking me up in an hour and a half so off we went and obviously we had a designated driver

can I make that clear he only had like three bottles so this was the 70s. We didn't know. Well, we knew, actually. We didn't know. But anyway. So I went to the pub the following lunchtime.

And the gaffer said, you haven't got your mate with you, have you? I said, no, he's at work. He said, he isn't at work. He was in here earlier. He was in a right mess and he'd fallen off the the roof and uh we got to this because he was saying about the sharp man had gone into the pub and they said your legs bleed and they gave him a bandage um so i went and found my mate he's in the next pub down the road and he had fallen off off the roof and um

he'd got they'd taken him to hospital and said, we're going to give you a tetanus injection. And he doesn't like injections, so he ran away. But he was in there. He was sitting drinking. And his nose had moved about an inch and a half across his face. And he had three pieces of gravel stuck in his forehead. Like some terrible bindi.

Oh, man. He was a hard man. And I find, even if you're not a hard man, Blue Non, it raises you up. Obviously didn't raise him up, he fell. I like the idea that someone could fall off a roof and still be worried about an injection. Yeah, exactly. And still got to the pub for 11.

Oh, yeah, he was a hard man. So, I went for a very lovely meal this week. I was bored. I was given a voucher for a restaurant. Groupon, yeah? No, it was... No, he likes her lunch vouchers. Remember LVs? Ah, yes. Remember that, likes her luncheon vouchers. Remember LVs? Oh, yes. Remember that woman who used to...

She was a madame. Oh, Cynthia Payne. Cynthia Payne. I've got my photo. She was the ambassadress for luncheon vouchers. She was. Anyway, so at the end of the last series of Room 101, my gift, my end of series gift,

which, can I say, I didn't get one for my radio show. The rest is history this week because it's an Avalon production. I got nothing. Nevertheless... Expose the innards, why don't you? Yes, but they... Room 101...

A hat-trick production. They bought me a meal in a lovely restaurant and a tour of Kew Gardens. Nice. That's a lovely gift. So we went, and I had pigeon as a starter. Oh, no.

You know what? Was it a fixed menu? No, no. Did you have to? Did you feel the peckish? It was the best. I did that thing that Kath really hates. I sat down and I said,

now, can we just establish one thing? I'm not paying for this meal, am I? You didn't say that. I did say that. I can't enjoy a meal if it's supposed to be free. I felt absolutely ill. Really? I'm just thinking I can write that up into my column. The pigeon was... Pennywise. Is it a little epiphany?

No, it's a Pennywise moment. I've found a new respect for pigeons. Oh, pigeon pie is lovely I think Oh it fell off the bone Oh it does it tends to Honestly I prefer it in the pie to in flight I'm not lying

Well it wasn't actually in a pie it was just there Pigeon what like pigeon what breast wing what did you have Well I couldn't tell Pigeon leg Pigeon meat I'm eating a lot of grass fed meat these days but pigeons they live off kebabs and bits of cake and litter, don't they? Yeah, you do. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Ooh, I went into a pub in Islington this week. Islington is an area of North London. Yeah. I don't feel I should name the pub. Hmm.

Shall I? No, probably. Probably a Wetherspoons now in Mr Pennywise over here. Oh! That was funny, having a vimto. No, it'll be one of those nice organic pubs, I think. No, I'll tell you what was organic. I walked in there, immediately I walked in there, and I thought, what is that smell?

Oh, no. And there was a dog in there. Were you on your own in this pub? No, no, I was with a group of work colleagues. And it must have been the management's dog, because otherwise it would have been thrown out. you know when a dog smells to the point where it gets on your chest a bit no it was i'll tell you what it reminded me of i went to the tyson lewis fight in memphis and after the fight there was a bit of an altercation in the crowd and an american policeman released tear gas. Oh, yeah.

Which I thought was a bit of an overreaction. But I always thought with tear gas that it just really hurt your eyes. But in fact, because I was quite near, I got a long full of tear. It really, really hurts your throat and makes you cough and it's terrible. And honestly, this dog, I'd say, was worse. Really? What breed? Filthy. It was black. That's all I can help you with.

I don't know breeds. It could have been a white dog and it was just that dirty. Some people say, what car is this? Grey colour. Silver grey. So it's a big black dog. And honestly, how can that be allowed? What, the stench? Everyone had huddled at the very far wall away from it

and nobody was doing anything. It was a very British thing. Like a tube with one of those people on it. What did it smell of? Just dog? Poisonous acrid Zyklon b type vile filth is what it um the guardian that's my review do you know that's ending up on someone's eyes down tonight has that have you thought of that some poor woman sleeping with that well i imagine if you live with it for a while you just don't

smell it that's true but you, you're still in it. Honestly, it genuinely upset me. It's the worst thing I've ever smelled in my life. Including tear gas. You know what? It was the Charles Lamb pub. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

Oh, I'll tell you what I haven't told you about. I went to the Game of Thrones premiere recently. I say Game of Thrones premiere. They actually have a premiere now, just for the episode. Just to show the episode. Really? What, one episode? Yeah.

So not like a premiere. Season four. Frank will hate me seeing season. Season four, ep one. Nice. Industry. Industry lingo. Ep. one episode yeah so not like a season four frank will hate me seeing season season four at one nice industry industry lingo ep were you gonna suggest that uh they should show the whole series at the premiere yeah why not box it whoa 12 hours bring your sleeping bag people just on the red carpet in their jogging bottoms that'd be good wouldn't it no all right al murray was there uh jonathan ross eddie jordan that's a rather random one yeah formula one boss um but i was waiting for jonathan in case our

listeners don't know um game of thrones is this i'd say it's the soft porn merlin everyone knows game of thrones but are you and your friends in it and you still don't watch it? I started watching it. Did you? Because one of my friends, Boz's godfather, in fact, plays Lord Varys in it. But I really, really liked it. Oh. And I watched about seven episodes and I thought, this is great. And then something happened and I missed a couple.

And then you think, I'll catch up and then... And you never did. And then suddenly there's five box sets ahead of you, you know what I mean? Right. And it's daunting. It's too dear, isn't it? Yeah.

I'm not thinking that. Actually, I've got... Wait until I get a voucher. I've got Sky on demand, so I can get the whole thing free. Well, I got... And you know someone who's in it could probably get their agent to send you it.

Speaking of Sky, can I just... If there's any good artists... Oh, you're doing a little bit. Look at Sky. Look at the Sky website and enter the art competition because you could change your life. Carry on.

That's nice. So we saw it. It was totes a maze. Went to the party afterwards. And it was awful because they had a VIP area in the middle of the party. You found that awful? I tell you what I found awful.

It was a bit Marie Antoinette, it was a bit French Revolution, because it was just a little robe and everyone was staring at you while you drunk the champagne and they had the warm wine. So you were sort of adjacent to the people in the non-VR people? No, not adjacent, like a boxing ring, like in the centre so people could look at you, it was awful. What about when I went to Stringfellows with Jonathan Ross?

You know we're on air for this story, don't you? We had our partners with us. Okay. So we had our partners and it was me, David Baddiel, Mark Lamar, I think, Jonathan Ross, anyway, we turned up at Stringfellows. Mark Lamar, 1996. It was packed. Peter Stringfellow just went over to this full table of people and says,

come on, move, you're going to have to move. You're going to have to move. And they all got off the table and he sat us down and he put a velvet rope thing around the table. Did he? God! Oh! It's awful. It's awful, but you're right, I did love it.

I did. Anyway, I got chatting. I love not having to stand. Yeah, obviously. I got chatting to one of the actors from the show. Lovely chap, John. He plays Samwell, just if anyone's from the show. Lovely chap, John. He plays Samwell, just if anyone's a fan out there.

Samwell District Council. Is that his name? He's a very good actor, actually, but I was talking to him. Turns out he's a massive fan of the show. He listens to the show all the time. He's a fan of yours, Frank. So he was chatting you up. No, he was early. He was lovely. But he said at one point, he said, oh, well, he said, Frank doesn't like Game of Thrones. He likes Merlin, doesn't he? I have never been so embarrassed.

Merlin being discussed. I don't think it's an either or. It shouldn't be either or. I am glad he brought up Merlin. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So there I am in the VIP area talking to my new friend

from Game of Thrones. In the VIP boxing ring. Yes. Middle of the room. In the VIP cage, I'm calling it. And then a man comes over to start to talk to him.

Can I say, to put this in perspective, I met Daniel O'Donnell on Thursday night. Are we on? Now we're name dropping. That's the best name drop you've ever done. I was happy.

That was better than when you went on that tour bus with Nicky Clark and had a glass of champagne. Yeah, so, he starts talking. We're talking, and then this other man comes over who's some producer man. And you know when you get frozen out entirely of the conversation? felt like a spare part i was like a spear carer standing there very sure business i was just i was gone that was it i was out so i was angry with the producer man yeah and he was talking saying you're coming on the show next week so i was in the

middle of i don't know why i did this right i said he said oh this is emily john said he said and um i said yeah i'm his agent why did his agent. Why did I say that? Why did I say that, Frank? I felt sick thinking about it. There was silence, no laughter, no laughter at all. The producer man went, oh, great, well, it's really good to meet you because I wanted to talk to you about a couple of appearances we're doing. I thought he was going to say, actually, I know his agent. No, he carried on talking and I said, actually, I just lied.

It was awful. And then my new friend from Game of Thrones said, yeah, it was actually very funny, Emily, but the trouble is timing's everything, isn't it? Ooh. Oh. It was terrible. I'm going to leave the material to you two now.

What you should have done is carried on and hammered out a really good deal for that. Oh, yeah, for John. And then maybe you'd be married by now. You'd be his agent like Joe Bugner's wife used to be his manager. Remember Joe Bugner's wife?

She'd have slotted into Dr. Bonteonta's personality. Like Sharon Osbourne. I could be like that. You could, yeah. Anyway, so I humiliated myself terribly. It was worse than liking Merlin. It's good, though. It's a good lie.

What about this? My girlfriend had got a really horrible cold. Really, it was... It might have been worse than a cold. We were a bit worried it was something else. And she was just going out or going to bed early, because she felt... And she came over to give me a sort of kiss good night and as she

came she went right into my mouth i mean right i felt it hit the back of my tonsils and i said that's probably the most efficient passing on of bacteria you could do is to cough in someone's mouth and she said no don't be ridiculous next morning welcome i felt absolutely terrible so if you're wondering how to pass on your bacteria to loved ones that is the answer you know what if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week thank you so much for listening now get out the frank skinner show on absolute radio back saturday morning from eight tune in live for the full frank experience absolute radio