The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Missing Out

Episode Date: April 13, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank, Alun and Emily talk about bearded women, people that smoke cigars and things they've missed out on...including a 2013 Sony Nomination.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. My voice is going already, it's not good. You can text us on 81215, please do. Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Please don't. No, I didn't mean that. It's alright to follow us on Twitter if that's what radio. Please don't. No, I didn't mean that. It's alright to follow us on Twitter

if that's what you feel you must do. We all have our own lights to follow in life. This morning's phone in. Are there any nice people who smoke cigars? I was walking across Waterloo Bridge the other morning

and I saw a city boy type chap and he was smoking a cigar and I thought, what is it about cigars? Do quite ornery people smoke cigars and something in the cigar makes them horrible? Or are horrible people attracted to cigars? I don't know, but in general, I never trust a cigar smoker. No. I just think their politics will be quite right-wing. attracted to cigars i don't know but in general i never trust a cigar smoker no

you just something i just think their politics will be quite right wing yeah exactly i bet there's a few upset cigar smokers this week yeah yeah so um probably a bad time for me to admit that i smoke cigars you don't smoke cigars how would you know i just know you don't i can can tell from that shirt. Exactly. You're so un-cigar smoker, it's not true. The shirt's got to have been a sort of Central American. You know, I can imagine there's some pan pipes in the breast bucket. There are?

Yeah. Rather than a cigar. Some cigars in my jeans. What, a slim panatella? I think that shirt could be one of those holiday purchases. The cockerel's got on. Do you know what I mean? You know when you're abroad and you buy you say yeah I love I'll buy some of these I bought some what I would call

I hope this is alright Muslim trousers so the men's trousers with a lot of material a harem pant Frank I feel like my shirt's off the hook now you've said that your shirt's off the hook I thought it was made to measure no and it was and I bought them and I thought i'm gonna wear these quite a lot when i get home

oh we've all done it so i've got sarongs coming out of my ears that's the wrong trousers yeah oh fabulous that was the um it was the wallace and gromit on holiday it's like like like on the buses on holiday those all those um On the Buses on holiday. That's what they used to do when they made a spin-off movie from a sitcom. They used to take them on holiday. That was how they did it. I didn't like it when the sitcom characters were on film. I never liked that so much, did you? Well, there was good and bad.

But I find there's good and bad in everyone. Certainly in the clothing choices in this room. I can't believe that... My shirt wasn't mentioned until we were on air. There's an air of ambush about this. No, it's... I mean, it's hard to discuss clothes on the radio, is it? No. But when have we ever worried about that? So, er... Can I say I haven't been well again this week? What's happened to me? My illness is at 48 hours, that's the deal. This one has been two weeks.

Oh dear. It's been dragging away and I've missed, well first of all, I always walk into my office, yes, walk into my office past trafalgar square in the morning that's the kind of swinging 60s london lifestyle i yes i usually go in on a bicycle going england swings like a pendulum do bubba's on bicycles too bad too where's swiss to raby the tower big band um but i didn't because was ill, so I stayed in bed. And as I walked in at my normal time, my normal route, I would have seen them filming the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special in Trafalgar Square.

I would have seen Matt Smith hanging from the bottom of the TARDIS. Wow. And Jenna Louise Coleman peering out. And that was the one morning I didn't go and I missed it. Spoiler alert. Well, you know, I can't help it. It's a bit TARDIS, isn't it? It's not that much. I mean, if you want, you know, it's basically

one of my parents' elderly friends in a goblin mask. That's what you would have missed. Well, not the first time they've been in a goblin mask. I wouldn't be surprised. I've never heard them called that before. I thought they were gift masks. But anyway, and also I was invited to Graham Norton's 50th birthday party. I couldn't go to that party.

I know, I was so jealous. I've missed. I've missed everything. You've missed a lot, Frank. Yeah. Mind you, I quite like missing stuff. It's very 2005, I think. Because people don't miss anything anymore.

You know what I mean? If you say... Oh, I see what you mean. Oh, there's a really good programme on the other night. Oh, it's all right. I'll just watch it on iPlayer. Or, oh, man, did you see that tackle on... Yeah, I'll just watch it.

It'll be on YouTube. True. I miss missing things. You miss missing things? I do, yeah. And I don't... You know, I'm anti-viral, missing things? I do, yeah. And I'm anti-viral, as you know. Yeah, you don't like virals.

I think virals... I think people... Like iPhone videos, virals on YouTube and stuff. I think in the old days, if you went, say, swinging on a rope with the kids and the rope burst, broke broke and you landed in the water you'd tell that story and you'd get big laughs telling the story and you'd embroider it a bit you'd explain the facials of the kids and and all that and it'd be a rich literary experience whereas virals are sort of anecdotes for the illiterate.

They say, oh, this happened, look. And that's it, that's the end of the experience. Eh? This is Thatcher's Britain. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about stuff, well, I was talking about stuff I've missed this week,

so I've missed this week. I'd like to hear of, generally, you know you look back on your life and you think, oh, I do regret missing. You know, I think I've mentioned that here before, that I stayed up to watch the moon landing when I was a little kid. And I fell asleep just before they got out the lunar module and missed the whole moonwalk. Well, I mean, I've lived in constant regret, as you can imagine. Constant regret is a small village in Leicestershire. Sort of place a referee would come from. Mr Dave Etherington.

Brackets. Constant regret. I missed out on tickets to Live Aid, the original and best, because I had to go and stay with the BBC's Head of History in Norfolk, my parents' friends. When you say you had to go and stay with the BBC's head of history in Norfolk, my parents' friends. When you say you had to go and stay with them, what was it? My parents would often do that.

You were doing a dig? No. We'd often get invited to kind of fun things with friends. And then we'd have to go and stay with people from the BBC. Yeah. So I wasn't very, I wasn't best pleased about that. No, but think, there was a lot of rubbish on it, wasn't there, Life Aid? There was some brilliant stuff and some rubbish.

I'd still like to have gone. I also missed out on a role as Meryl Streep's daughter, as you know. Indeed, in The French Lieutenant's Woman. Very good, Frank. Not in The Iron Lady, if that's what you were thinking. You think you could have played that part? I think I could, actually. I tell you what I miss out on a lot.

Now, this sounds slightly... I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but when I was a younger man, I used to notice attractive women and stuff in the street. In a leery way? Well, in a sort of a, this is what keeps the species going kind of a... Red-blooded male way. Well, I don't like the phrase red-blooded male.

I didn't think you would. It's a bit cigar smoking. It is, very cigar. But I'd find now that my girlfriend says to me, that was a short skirt and I've completely not noticed. I know this is to do with age and the failing of various facilities. But someone showed me a picture, for example, of Vivienne Westwood receiving her...

It's a very famous picture. I've seen it. Receiving, I think it's her OBE in the 90s. And she's doing a big twirl outside and her dress is rising up and she's commando. Like another person in this room today, apparently.

But we won't go into any details. She's commando and somebody said to me... And somebody said to me, what about that for a picture? And I said, it's lovely lining. Looking at the garment. Looking at the fabric. I've completely...

Gone for horse. That's gone. So I used to have that. You know when a relationship splits up, you're mortified and heartbroken. And then about two hours in, you think of the people you've said no to during the course of that relationship as an act of loyalty. Shaquille O'Neal. What about that one? You said no to during the course of that relationship as an act of yes loyalty yeah shaquille o'neal what about that one yes it was a fan at hollywood did you yes he wanted to i know that the phrase party was used i don't think though i don't think he was thinking cupcakes

i don't think that's what shaquille o'neal had on his mind. He invited me back to his hotel room. And my friend was drunk, so I had to take her home. So because of her inability to control her alcohol consumption, I could have been Emily O'Neal, Frank. Oh, no, that is awful. I just thought of one now as well. Go on. I think people...

Oh, come on. I've done Shaquille O'Neal. I just can't. Paul Yates. I think people... Oh, come on. I've done Shaquille O'Neal. I just can't. Paul Yates. I think people, instead of saying... Alan? If people make a suggestion, you should say, no, I'm in a relationship.

But have you got a card or anything? I can't say that to Shaquille O'Neal. Then I'll call you if anything goes wrong. You know, you stick a rain check. Come on, Alan, your turn. You've got to have one. Come on. Maybe Alan, Alan, your turn. You've got to have one. Come on. Maybe Alan just never says no anyway.

I'm just a girl who can't say no. That song ought to be, I'm just a girl who can't say... Yeah, so what do you feel you've missed out on? Things that you've missed in life? Tell us. Yeah, that's it, isn't it? I think we've set up a sort of a texting. I'm predicting nothing.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about things we've missed out on. It transpired mine was an evening with Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah. I don't think, honestly, I don't think I'd turn down an evening with Shaquille O'Neal. Really? I mean, I'm relieved I turned down that night with Michael Jordan,

looking back on it, but who knows? We've also had a text... That was Jordan. I never turned that down. That actually was Jordan. Eddie Jordan. It's called Eddie.. That actually was Jordan. Eddie Jordan. It's called Eddie? I didn't turn it down.

OK. He's one of the notches. Anyway, we'll move on. We've had a text in, a slightly bittersweet one, actually. Oh, my favourite. From Phil in Mablethorpe. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I've missed life.

Being in full-time employment i didn't socialize therefore i'm still single at 42 never been in love and he's put a little sad face is it called an emoticon is that yes which i think is what it should be because he was in full-time employment he missed out on his social life that says something about modern britain yeah yeah but full-term employment is seen as something that just takes out your whole... Yeah. I did that and I had a social life as well. Well, let's not laugh at Phil. He's made his decision.

How old's Phil? He's 41. Oh, Phil, you've got 80! Yeah. Still 80! Still young. Was it Ma Rainey? Was it Ma Rainey who started painting at age 80 and then became a successful artist? made a lot of money? Oh, that sounds good.

Phil, give your job up and get loving. Yeah. That's my advice. We've had another sad face. Oh, no. Phil's been ironic, is he? I'm not sure. Oh, God.

If he is, then it's not carrying across through text form. It's difficult, isn't it? That's one of the limitations of the emoticon. Yes, it is. Matt says, I missed out on my teens and early 20s due to alcohol. Sober 11 years in May. God, it's awful. Night's move on Alan.

If he's ever in Rygate, there's a nice garden centre at the end of my road. I'm buying. He's buying? He's buying. Oh, sorry. Well, I missed. my road i'm buying he's by he's buying well i missed i mean i don't think that regard that as missing out i think the uh that my very heavily drunken teens and and 20s were um the jewel in the crown as far as my existence is concerned i don't think would do it if it wasn't lovely. Okay.

I suppose not. I had this very conversation with Michael Parkinson who tried to lead me on his show into a sort of a my battle with the bottle and I said, you know, actually I think it was, looking back it was brilliant. I said most people who do it you know, heavy drinking, it's because they really like it. It's fun and you have adventures

and you know, you can's because they really like it it's fun and you have adventures and um you know you can sing on the bus nice and it wasn't what he wanted singing the boss is less popular you know we're talking he's only really happy when he's talking to jamie columb yeah we're talking about missing out on things can i tell you what we've missed out on this week i think we all know i Or everyone in this room. We didn't get a Sony nomination. No. Which I know it doesn't sound much, but in radio, not getting a Sony nomination is... It's kind of a big deal.

Yeah. It's like not having a home. Not having a home. In normal society. It is, though. It's... There's a stigma. Can I tell you... There is a stigma. Frank, I did something. I've got. It is, though. It's a stigma. Can I tell you...

There is a stigma. Frank, I did something. I've got to fess up now. Go on. I took it quite seriously this year. I listened to it live. Oh, did you? Yes, I did, I'm afraid so.

Oh, God. Did you put a dress on? No, but I got quite competitive. I did. Like a mad old lady nominated for an Oscar. No, I didn't put a dress on. But I did, as I sat there with my Insta colleagues, and they all listened, and they went,

Oh, yes! That was a mistake. Terrible. And they all went, oh, oh. Can you be in this category? And I went, no. And they went, oh. And then it came to the end, it was clear,

we weren't going to win anything. So do you know what I did? I went a bit Big Brother winner being evicted, Big Brother contestant. I went, oh, I didn't want to win anyway. Yeah. And I threw you and Alan totally under the bus. And I said, I'm not worried, but didn't want to win anyway. And I threw you and Alan totally under the bus and I said, I'm not worried

but I think Frank and Alan will be really upset. I can't believe you did that. I did say that. You were right, but even so. Sorry. Now, I've really learned something this week and that was the judges' addresses. And I'll tell you something, it's very hard now.

I was in Green Park for two hours. It's very hard to find dog excrement. I ended up having to unbag. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, why didn't we get a Sony nomination?

Oh, come on. I've told you never to ask me that. Well, because we're not as good as we think we are. No one is as good as they think they are at anything. That's a good point, that. It is. Mainly their jobs and football, I think. But, yeah.

You know, the physicals. The physicals. Generally, people think they're better at stuff than they are and it's it's good every now and again to get be brought down to earth that's what i think yeah we were definitely getting we were beaten by kate lawler in the best entertainment category wow she was one of those big brother people she was yeah why she was in what perhaps the best documentary that's ever been made. What was that? It was about when she came out of Big Brother.

Oh, okay. And she had a very overprotective dad. I like that she only stuck to that genre when she did TV shows. Her dad was absolutely brilliant in it. He was really... There was a bit where he tries to force some paparazzi off the road in his car. It's really brilliant. But when she comes out, the family are gathered.

And she's just come out. She's just one big brother. And he says to her, right now, you're going to the living room. That's what he says when they get to the house. You're going to the living room, and you apologise to your grandmother and your mum for your language. And she learnt, and now she's got a sounding nomination. So respect to her

but some of the other Geoff Lloyd got one Ronnie Wood and the OC got three I think Geoff Lloyd got two one for an animal competition and one for his show generally and the OC got three

and I think Vicky, Blight and Sarah Chapman absolutely brilliantly this morning I came in the door wasn't working on the studio I feel that's the beginning I didn't just get banked by the security guard

I got a dirty look I found him much friendlier this morning i think he felt i'd been taken down a peg and now he you know he could see me as a as an equal but i'm thinking i might be the victim of a trap let me i'm just putting this theory to you i wouldn't i wouldn't say this on air i don't do conspiracy theories when you haven't won it but i did jeff lloyd show right recently and he said to me so what do you think about the Sonys? And I was led into criticising the night out.

And what a tedious ceremony it was. I might have even mentioned the food. I hope I didn't. You didn't mention Tony Hadley eating my portion, did you? No, that's a private thing. OK. But I'm thinking now that maybe that was a that Geoff was trapping me into that knowing that I wouldn't get a nomination

and he'd walk straight in or maybe the organisation because contract time what a good time to not get a Sony nomination I don't think I'm getting paranoid about this but they did put out the interviews of podcasts just in case the Sony judges missed it first time round anyway you know i don't care i've got two other awards um in 25 years of comedy so that's the

kind of that's the kind of success right i've got that's not the winning that counts no getting off with the winner afterwards, I will say. That's what counts. But we won't be there this time. No, I know. But that doesn't stop me standing outside the hotel.

I like that the cockerel still wants to go to the ceremony. The cockerel really wants to go there. I think he wants to do some Kanye West on the stage.

I'm going to let you finish. But Frank Skinner, that's what he's going to do. He'd go to Thatcher's funeral if he knew there was free nibbles. True. I've been invited. Obviously. Talking of Thatcher, we've just had a text in.

What? Don't tell me she's come back to life. No, Jeff Marshall says, I blame you for getting the audience first singing Ding Dong back in 1990 when she stood down. That is true, that when she stood down that is true that when she uh when uh she stood down stand down margaret stand on queen stand on margaret when she stood down then i i was doing a comedy club in uh in birmingham and i got i began the night by getting the whole crowd to sing ding dong the witch is dead i'm sorry for any of our um pagan listeners by the way.

That's not a blanket anti-witchcraft thing. It's just the wicked witch thing. Yeah, now it's become national, could be number one this week. It's great that the people have spoken. They have. We need to talk about the Margaret Thatcher thing, I think, because it's been an interesting phenomenon

generally. Phenomenon. And, of course, someone else who I turned down in the 90s. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I've thought of something I did miss out on. Oh, yeah? Yeah, my milk. My school milk. I never got it, did I?

See, I did have it. Did you? I got in under the wire just before. What was it like? Tell us about what it was like back in the day, old Frankie. Free school milk. Oh, you'd be sitting in your classroom in the morning near the rattle of the crates going down the hallway.

I'd have liked that as well. Yeah, it was lovely. And in the cold weather, it was frozen solid. You couldn't get your straw in. I have a vague recollection of getting it and then it being taken away. I wonder what that was all about. I'd rather, as you know, swallow strychnine than divulge the date of my birth. Yes.

I thought you were going to say, then drink milk. That too. But there was a brief period, I do remember getting it, and it was very warm, Frank, wasn't it? And the little straws pierced the foil. I quite liked it. It was lovely, yes. Blue tits, of course.

If they got there first, they'd go through the foil. Yeah. But it was taken away. I think what you're intimating, Alan, is that it was taken away by the current minister of education at the time, who was Margaret Thatcher. Yes. Mark Snatcher.

Yeah. Who is no longer with us. Indeed. Of course. Moved on. And it's caused a, well, it's caused a kerfuffle. A furore. Turns out she was quite polarising.

Furore, actually, is a very apt term. Yes. It's a bit like fura, but also it's got a... It's got a different syllable. I'm not one for the dancing on the graves thing, no. Can I ask, why is it that we're not meant to speak ill of the dead? Because I don't understand that. I mean, if there's anybody listening that I know,

can I just give you all permission to speak ill of me once I'm dead and not before it? That seems like a better way of doing it. Yeah, I think that the... Yeah, noted. I think the gloves are off now on speaking ill of the dead. Don't you think it would be better for us as media figures if there was a rule that you speak ill once a person is dead? Imagine how pleasurable Googling ourselves would be if people went oh no we can't slag them off yet they're still alive they're still alive yeah yeah i mean we would have a

right old time googling ourselves only reading praise i'd google myself two or three times every morning yeah at least but no as it is we can't because people are speaking ill of us while we're alive no no i think you're right i honestly honestly... I think the tide is turning, though. I'd like people to slag me right off when I'm gone. Well, I mean, Mrs Thatcher... Your wish is our command. She is. I mean, they do think now that Ding Dong,

the witch is dead, it might be number one. And it turns out you're responsible. Well, no, I wouldn't go so far as to say that. But Liza Minnelli's over here at the moment. She must be confused. Mum's still... still popular. Brilliant.

Number one? What are you talking about? But it's... There's been a lot of people on the telly saying what a warm and kind person she was once she got to know him. There's been a lot of people everywhere saying she was a divisive figure. I'm surprised we haven't used that phrase yet. Surely that's all I've heard this week, she was a divisive figure.

And whatever. People have said whatever. George, I met the German cannibal Armin Meivers once at a comic book convention. Oh, my God. He was a perfectly affable... He had to top my Shaquille O'Neal story. Is it true? I said no. perfectly affable you had to top my Shaquille O'Neal story which is true I said no you lived to tell the tale

I'd had quite a lot of garlic that week I don't think but he was fine you would never have guessed I don't know whether or not to believe this story you see we were proper Thatcher's children I think you were going through your slight beardy weirdy phase then Frank whether or not to believe this story. You see, we were proper Thatcher's children. I think you were going through your slightly beardy, weirdy phase then, Frank.

You had your bell-bottom, pitch-invader trousers and long scarf, didn't you? Well, when she came into power, I was a student. You're quite red-wedge, I reckon. Yeah, and then I did have a red wedge. It was a sweat rash. And then I became unemployed for three and a half years. One in ten. And then I became unemployed for three and a half years

and then I became an alternative comedian. So this is three areas, short of becoming a minor, it was the three areas of life that most hated Margaret Thatcher. I think last week I mentioned Smethwick Supplementary Benefit Office. Let me mention it again. I think I mentioned it the brighton conference actually but um on the wall there someone had written uh this is the supplementary benefit office in in the early 80s someone had written cheer up money isn't everything m thatcher

um but i can't i can't join in with i don't i tell you what I don't like. I don't like to hear atheists saying that they hope that she burns in hellfire. Oh, they can't claim that as their own thing. No, that's our area. That's your manor, is what I'll say. Hell is your manor. I'm letting them off with Christmas. But they're not getting hellfire. George Galloway, I'm assuming he's an atheist, George Galloway.

I bet he likes a cigar. He's such a cigar smoker. Oh, he loves one! I think he might be Cigar Smoker of the Year. Yeah. Let's check. He wanted us a burning elf. If I was the sort of person who said things about what ended up as a tragic, frightened, weak old lady,

if I was the sort of person who said that, I would have voted for Margaret Thatcher. But I'm a bit more compassionate. What I would say, if you wonder what the influence had on the country, if you've ever been at a pub quiz and seen someone on their smartphone cheating to get the answers, I don't think that would have ever happened if Margaret Thatcher hadn't been in power in the 70s, 80s, etc. We've had some missives in regarding the webcams.

The webcams? I forgot. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there they are. Emily, there was some discussion the other week following a viewer's comment that you couldn't be seen on the webcams. We all agree that this is quite unfair, but in a similar position on Geoff's show, Annabelle achieves visibility by simply moving to the right. Well, there you go. Make an effort. If the mountain will not come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain. I've heard that.

Kind regards, David Larkham. Leatherhead, sorry. Did he put the mountain bit in? Yes. Oh, I thought that was just you adding to it. No. Where are they? I thought you were freestyling. Wasn't there an irate webcam? Oh, yeah, yeah, there's a chap.

Oh, is it the same chap? Please can you change the webcams from Vicky's studio to yours? Is that his voice? Yeah, that's me doing an impression of a guy from Leatherhead. Yeah, sorry about that. But I mean... That's three now. To be fair, he might, you know, he might be lip-reading.

True. So it's not much of a show if the webcam's on. I wouldn't be fair. Yeah. It never occurred to me. I do remember I've just remembered in the 80s. The Thatcher years. Yeah, a mate of mine said I'd ruined his birthday stripper.

Why? It was his birthday and the bloke's got a stripper line. Do you remember those strippers? Yeah. No, no I don't. And she was a young girl, a pretty young girl. She started getting all these blokes going, and I shouted at the top of my voice,

this is Thatcher's Britain. And he said it ruined the whole thing for him. Oh my God, buzzkill. Yeah, it really was. This is Thatcher's Britain. Billy Bragg walking in. Alexei Sale's been very quiet. I think he think he's turned oh he was on channel 4 news how was he he was the person you went to he was your go-to man i tell you i was uh interested and he's uh the honorable sir mark

thatcher oh oh yes his returns one of the boons of this did thing. Did I miss a meaning? He was made a sir. No, I think he... Who made him a sir? If I'm not mistaken, I think he gets the honourable from his mum and the sir from his dad because they're like barons and baronets. But that's not all he's got out of his parents. He's brilliant.

I mean, he's done well out of them in other ways, hasn't he? At least he found his way out. Not least financially from murky arms deals. But is it... I i mean i've got i've i've got a child if you know and you do think you know well i wonder what what what he'll grow up to be and what will he do when he liked football and all that kind of stuff will he be aggressive will he be a nice chap you think about all those things i'm sure you think the same yeah you'll have to wait and see. Yeah, but

I don't. I'd be surprised if he ever stages a coup in Equatorial Guinea. Yes. I don't think he'll ever go that far. And hopefully he'll never be accused of calling a tennis player a gollywog. So her children have not turned out 100%,

have they? They haven't turned out. To be fair to them, they were brought up in an unlit cupboard for the first 14 years. So, no, it's raining. Carol Thatcher said that she had to make an appointment when she was a teenager. She used to have to make a proper appointment through the secretaries to have a meeting with her mum. Really? I approve of that.

I'm not saying I don't approve. It's just secretaries in the plural. That's what threw me. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean

and I'm with Ellen Cochran. Ellen? Ellen. Sorry, I was going to let you make that announcement. Ellen DeGeneres. I think she's done it already, darling. I love Ellen. That's one of my...

I've always really thought she was very beautiful, Ellen DeGeneres. I do as well. Yes, it's the quintessential flogging of a dead horse. Text in on 81215 if you'd like to. And you're looking confused. What's the flogging of the dead horse? I don't 81215 if you'd like to and you're looking confused. What's the flogging of the dead horse? I don't think she's interested in gentlemen. Oh I see.

Follow us on Twitter at Frank on the radio and just in case anyone thought that we've sort of spoken of the fat years in a slightly unbalanced way. We've had this text in from 485 saying,

Hello Frank, you should have been a student in the 60s when the Harold Wilson Labour government did away with grammar schools and brought in the wonderful comps. This was the worst thing that ever happened to Britain. Well, you obviously didn't hear the Sony nominations. But

fair enough, Kate. We've all got our own views I think we've been balanced You've said you were invited to the funeral but you can't go I haven't really been invited Oh haven't you? I just assumed you weren't going because you'd read that Catherine Jenkins was going She is going

She's on the list That does not surprise me Blimey I can't believe She's blown her cover a bit there Clarkson's going You can't surprise me. I mean, I can't believe she's... It's Katherine Jenkins. She's blown her cover a bit there. Clarkson's going. Well, there would have been no... Anyone...

Other things, what wouldn't there have been without Margaret Thatcher? There would have been no Top Gear. There would have been no Top Gear without Thatcher. I hope he puts a suit on. I hope he doesn't wear a leather chiquito and some bootcut jeans. I was asked to host the embalming corporate gig. Oh, my God. Just 15 minutes at the top.

It's a black overall do. But I... I wasn't. Don't do that many corporates, do you? Shirley Bassey. All the greats. But like I say, I don't like this. I hope she had a terrible death and all that.

At the end of the day, I found it very hard to hate her anymore. I hated her when she was a terrible death and all that. At the end of the day, I found it very hard to hate her anymore. I hated her when she was a Prime Minister. But she became like a lot of other, you know, old, frightened old people in this country. I can't kick her. There's not that many of them that are spending their time at the Ritz. No, that's true. That's a very good point. How did that happen, living at the Ritz?

I mean, yeah, it was quite expensive at the Ritz? I mean, yeah. It was quite expensive, the Ritz, when I last looked. It was quite... £30 for a glass of champagne. Is that all? I know all those pensioners... I usually pay £31 for my glasses of champagne. I know pensioners who can't afford a Ritz.

Yeah. You know, those cheese biscuits. Anyway, let's move on. You know where I think we should go? Can I just say, though, on St Paul's, she's being buried at St Paul's, that's where the funeral is. She insisted on that, didn't she?

And I'm being interviewed at St Paul's on Sunday night as part of a service at St Paul's. I'm on stage at St Paul's, so what a week they've got. Yeah. I'm the war box of Thatcher's Funeral. A Sony nominee. Oh. You're not going to do anything juvenile like leave a whoopee cushion under one of the proper cushions?

No, no. It's going to be a lovely, it's going to be a lovely night. We were going to sashay on to... We're going to take a saunter down to the corner. We're going to have music first. Oh, are corner. No, we're going to have music first. Oh, are we? Oh, OK. You can see why we didn't get that.

It's like student radio. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Email corner. Email Corner Now, what have our lovely readers got to say this week? We've had an email. Hello, Mr Radio, Miss Emily and Mr C. I think Mr C was a different Mr C, wasn't it?

Didn't he do Ebenezer Good? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He liked to? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He liked to party. He did, yeah. My wife and I are flying into London from Sydney, Australia on April the 13th, unfortunately after your show has finished.

Whoa, hold on. Whoops. Oh my God. It's one of the Sony judges. Do you have any advice? It's one way to find out. That's like when people are dropped from the England squad and they find out from the press. That's why your manager's come down today. I see your show has finished full stop. Your manager is in a sort of Max Clifford in a jacket role outside Absolute Radio.

This is how I find out. What a nightmare. So they're flying in from Sydney today. From Sydney today, yeah, they continue. Do you have any advice for colonials returning to the mother country for a few days? If you've been away from the UK for a while,

my advice is quick, it's succinct, but you've probably missed out. There's a chain of pubs now called Walkabouts and if you're visiting, I think you should give them a try.

They'd be really good. As a reverse night's move, if Miss Emily would be available to show us around some of the more upmarket parts of London or if Alan is available to show us where to find a bargain what's that about?

we would be very much obliged, James can I just say I'd like to encourage the use of Miss Emily, it's quite gone with the wind, it is yeah, I feel I feel I should be I feel I should be looking at you in-de-dee, Miss Emily. I feel I should be looking at you in my rear-view mirror

if I'm going to call you Miss Emily. You know what I mean? Driving Miss Emily. Yes. I, um... God, I've done the Australia flight a few times and back, and, uh... You've done it, Em.

Have you been to Australia, Alan? Well, when we talked about missing out on things, I missed my first two ever take-offs on an aeroplane because my first flight was to Australia. I think we might have discussed this before. You missed your first two take-offs? I fell asleep. I missed them. Oh, OK.

Yeah, so my first ever flight was long haul to Australia. Did you find that when you got to the other end of that flight that you feel a bit spaced out? Oh, yeah. It's brilliant, isn't it? Because I don't drink or do drugs or smoke, even. You just fly. You just get high.

I just do long-haul flights. You get high. But it is great. So I would suggest, if you've just flown in from Sydney, you go down to Carnaby Street and enjoy the old psychedelic experience. I think this is great. Carnaby Street, 1960s. It's where the phrase tripping came from.

No, it's the craziest experience my advice would be of course rio ferdinand uses long-haul flights as part of his fitness regime exactly this is interesting idea um my advice would be australians obviously you know they say thongs for flip-flops yeah so don't go into someone's house and say, shall I just take off my thongs? Yeah. You might get an order. Or they might like it. That's right. You never know.

Yes, anyway, have a lovely time. Enjoy. Back here in the motherland, yeah. Is that what it's called now? That's what they've called it. Lovely. Next! Well, it's another Antipodean reader.

Oh, wow. Hi there, all. Oh, this will dry up, of course. No, we didn't get the nomination. Yeah, they're really keen on the Sony. We'll be lucky if we get people outside the M25. I approve of that. But anyway, sorry to split hairs, but you've forced my hand.

Sorry to split metaphors, I think you'll find. Far Lap, as discussed on last week's show. Are we splitting horse hairs? Yes. Far Lap was the great Australian racehorse. Well, au contraire, my non-award-winning friend. It's actually a New Zealand horse, born in Timaru in the South Island.

Just another example... What's going on on Shooting Stars? Timaru. Just another example of those lovable Aussies claiming ours as their own. Split ends, crowded house, Pavlova, need I say more? Pretty good remembering by Frank on the bits of said pony scattered around the place, though. Heart and hide in Australia, but skeleton into papa. Bit like me.

Yeah, in case you missed this, I was talking about this famous racehorse. I saw his skin in a museum in Melbourne, but his skeleton, as you say, was somewhere else. His brain's in Canberra. To Papa. But Megan, who is writing this in, says, we often get forgotten about down here in the Antipodes and mixed up with the other folk to us next door.

Love your show. Bit too crazy, sorry. I podcast every week whilst in my studio painting. Oh, how lovely. Not much of a portrait artist though, so that counts me out of the competition. That's your Sky Arts one. How lovely though that the idea of someone painting in a studio in New Zealand

listening to this show. Does the paint run upwards when the paint runs? That's this week's texting. We didn't get much response to nice cigar smokers. Nobody could think of one. No.

Well, there obviously aren't any. No. Which is difficult for the publishers of Cigar Smoker magazine. So this one, James Woods is on the cover every month. Really?

Yeah, it's all they can find. Oh, Arnie, there was one Arnie. I went into one of those lean-to places you get outside pubs now where you can go and smoke. And Simon Sharma was in there smoking a big cigar. I always thought he seemed all right, but it turns out not. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I know we're an email corner technically, Frank, but I'd just like to pop back into

text. What should we call it? Do what you like. Text terrace. Fine. Oh, nice. We make our own rules? Do what you like. Text terrace. Fine. Oh, nice. We'll make our own rules on this show. Yeah. All bets are off now.

We were talking about Margaret Thatcher and Milk. Yes. We had a conversation, although this person, lovely as she seems, I don't know how with it she is, because she says, hi, Frank, Emily and Gareth. Ouch. OK. Read the conversation about Thatcher.

I think you'll find that was the team during the Cerner years. I guess. You're right. Well, Angela says she hated the milk to the point where she used to throw up immediately after drinking it. See, I remember the Angelas at our school. There was always three or four people who didn't want the milk. The teachers had to really...

Oh, I couldn't get sometimes i'd have one of their bottles it was great free milk she says she got in trouble for throwing up as soon as i drunk it being accused of spilling it down myself and this was my first memory of life being unfair very fitting i think yeah well i'm sorry about that angela but um still your milk those in the days when milk was seen as very good for you now it's probably seen as doing something terrible

was it you who was saying Frank you used to have a little lie down on the desk as well afterwards remember the school lie down drink your milk then lie down

you used to put your arm fold your arms in front of you put your head on that and then we'd sleep for 20 minutes in the afternoon that would be great wouldn't it

was that teacher authorised can I just say yeah it was an industrial action oh okay the teacher would come around and say have a little lie down yeah and we'd uh we'd do it and we'd go to sleep as well just like that great we couldn't i think the workforce could do with that like in general just if if you went to places and they were all having a you could do that now it would stop you i'd love to have had sleep as a child.

My parents had me out earning money. Leave it there. Yep. Shall we go back to email call? We should say we have had... Why not? We've had a lot of cigar correspondence, but we can go back to that.

Oh, I'm happy to hear some of that. We've had various. Oh, you've had a couple, haven't you? Have they identified a nice person that smokes cigars? Yeah, there's a chap here, Frank, in the local guitar shop when I was a kid, the shop owner used to smoke cigars, so all the guitars person that smokes cigars. Yeah, there's a chap here. Frank, in the local guitar shop when I was a kid, the shop owner used to smoke cigars, so all the guitars smelt of cigars.

22 years on, I still play and I love the smell as it reminds me of that shop, which was like a sweet shop to me. Yeah, but was he a nice bloke? Was he a monster? Well, he perhaps wouldn't like the smell if he was a monster. Barney in Belfast. Good morning, Frank. The golfer Darren Clark loves a cigar and is a top bloke too.

Really? Worried about the use of top bloke. Yeah, makes me think he's not a top bloke. Makes me think he's more top gear than top bloke.

Makes me think that these are cigar smokers sticking up for each other. I think he might be right there. Shall we return to email corner then? Let's do it. I'm just trying to think

Far Lap, the horse, from New Zealand. Yeah. The current controversy. There's got to be a Beef Wellington joke in that somewhere. Oh, yeah. I can't find it. Do you know, I love it when you workshop on air. I just can't find it.

It's one of my favourite things that ever happens. I'm just, you know, they used to say show the working out, they used to say in maths exams. I'm doing that. Yeah. I can't find the Beef Wellington joke. Hi, Frank and the team. I heard you lot asking whether the readers had ever cried at a book this week. Yes.

Frank had said he had been bawling at a post-apocalyptic novel. Was that The Road? It was The Road by Cormac McCarthy. I've never read that, but I have bought it for someone as a gift. Is it a terrible gift or is it an awful gift? It's the bleakest. Yeah. Oh, man.

Oh, dear. It was terrible. I mean, it made me feel poorly. Oh. Well, I may have ruined someone's Christmas a few years ago then. It's brilliant. Oops. Have you ever seen them again?

Yeah. OK. But she looked upset. But that's common. I can confirm that I have cried at a book. It was No Time for Goodbye by Linwood Barkley. Well, the clue's in the title. I read this whilst...

Do you know Linwood? No, but thanks for the tip. I read this whilst travelling around Thailand last summer and got teary-eyed when reading the final pages on a bus to Bangkok. Without going into too much detail... Oh, teary-eyed in Bangkok. That's actually the name of my memoir. Without going into too much detail,

the passage that made me crumble, steady, was a letter to the main character from her mother written just before she had passed on. I wasn't exactly sobbing, and I'm quite certain there were no audibles as my emotions took hold. Nevertheless, a good amount of the passengers on the bus noticed and turned around and started laughing at me as I finished the book in tears.

They're a vicious race. True, and as if to add insult to injury... They're famously sweet, aren't they, the Tide? The Tide lady who sat next to me decided I was no longer a suitable bus companion and at this point moved to a different seat. Thanks for the last keep up the good work. James in Redcar. Well, I mean, one's tempted now to avoid that book like the plague. But I had a laughing laughing massive laughing fit reading

Charles Dickens' Pickwick Papers on a train I never believe it when people laugh out loud at books it's insincere you should try honestly it's a very very funny book I mean I have read funny books when I do it I find it believable but when other people do it

the great thing about it there's a bit where he's buying a horse and he says that the farmer who's selling him the horse has a grin which agitated his countenance from one auricular organ to the other. But anyway, I had a really old second-hand bookshop version of it that looked quite a lot like the Bible. So I think people might think I was reading the Bible and then really laughing at it. Not a lot of laughing there. Because it's so packed with gags.

But yeah, that response, because it's all disappearing now, because people read Kindles and that on public transport, so people don't even know what they're reading. Yeah. So all that's gone. Oh, I do. I always peer over. I used to like looking at people and thinking, oh God, they read that kind of book just as we'd expect as well.

Cigar Smokers Weekly. Where are we? No, literally, where are we? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know, we were talking about cigar smokers, Frank.

Yeah. Trying to find a reasonable human being who smokes cigars. Is there a nice person on the planet who smokes cigars, or are they all terrible people? Well, this guy in Runcorn had a bad experience with cigars, 340. Hi, folks, I used to love a cigar. That was until my mum and dad brought me some real Cuban ones home and I tried them. Halfway down my first

one, I took a bad turn and passed out, nearly breaking my neck when hitting the wooden floor. I like the sound of the wooden floors. Call me. Needless to say... I like the sound, but obviously I don't believe in fainting. Needless to say, the wife, oh, don't call me, has now

banned me from partaking in cigar smoking it was a narrow escape you could have become a very unpleasant person but uh obviously he's got an essential goodness that wouldn't allow that to happen liz and bourne i think you may have forgotten churchill he loved a cigar that's a very good point okay he authorized the bombing addressed but you know if you're going to make an omelette... True. Yeah, OK, I'm going to give you Churchill. This works as well.

That's one in the left-hand column. We've got 878 in the right-hand column. We haven't even mentioned... Ooh. We'll leave it there. Right, we haven't. We'll leave it there. There's good reason for that.

There's good reason for that There's good reason for that There is This one eventually works its way to cigar smokers Frank, 90% of my friends think that I look like you In fact, when I meet new people they often say that they recognise me and feel that I remind them of someone so I reel off a list of infamous

beautiful intellectual icons before finally mentioning you, Frank Skinner to which they respond, yes, that's it I feel a strange sense of pride over this. I think we have the same shaped oblong head. Hannibal Lecter from... Hannibal from the A-Team, not Hannibal Lecter. Hannibal from the A-Team is a nice cigar smoker.

That was a bit of that. That was love from Gene Norton, I believe. In West London. That was a bit stream of consciousness. It was, but I like it. Yeah, but he's a fictional character. Is that? That's true, yeah. So that you can make him a nice person. It's like saying Alice in Wonderland is a nice female child. It doesn't mean anything, does it? It's just made up.

Well, it's not really like that. And she's not that nice, is she? She's unpleasant. Nice female child. That's what I'm talking about. But it's fiction, isn't it? The point I'm making is it's fiction. You can say anything. Mr Magoo, somebody else, that's another fictional character. Yeah, I'm not saying one couldn't invent a nice person. I want to know whether unpleasant people are drawn towards cigars or cigars poison the mind. What about Clinton? He liked a cigar. Did he?

I think you've got your stories mixed up. Anyway. We'll just Google that, yeah? You know we were speaking earlier about what we've missed out on? Of course I know that. Do you think I wasn't listening? No, I'm just... It's what they call in radio a recap, isn't it?

Oh, OK. It's not. It's what they call in life a recap, I suppose. Anyway, I've got an eye on next year's Sony. Have you? I'll try and be slick. I've got one. My wife and son this week went to watch The Lion King live, the show. Oh, yeah. The theatrical musical.

And my wife said to me when she got back, well, you've seen it anyway, haven't you? Because we went to see it together. And I said, no, I've never seen it. And she said't you because we went to see it together and I said no I've never seen it and she said yeah we went together and I have absolutely no recollection of having gone to this oh and my brother's girlfriend used to work on the the London show um doing the costuming and stuff and she said we got tickets from her at the discount rate normally I would remember a bargain you remember the discount I was to say, you'd always remember the credit card slip. Do you know what else I would remember?

I'd usually remember having a certain drink on the way there. Like most of my event memories. Yeah, I would sort of go, oh yeah, we had a pint round the corner, didn't we? Or we had a burger afterwards. What he does, he goes to M&S and he gets the little bottles of wine. It's much dearer in the theatre. That's what he says to us. That's a great thing for our listeners.

I've never seen The Lion King, but I understand it's a spectacular event, sort of thing that might stick in the theatre. That's what he says to her. That's a great tip for our listeners. I've never seen The Lion King, but I understand it's a spectacular event, sort of thing that might stick in the mind. You'd think, wouldn't you? And I've no recollection of it whatsoever. See, I have these gut-wrenching moments in my house when I reminisce about something that we did together and Cad says, that wasn't me.

Yeah, well, that's what I'm wondering then. Oh, I've done that. I had an ex-boyfriend, bulletproof monk, that wasn't me. Yeah, well, that's what I'm wondering, then. Oh, oh, I've done that. I had an ex-boyfriend, Bulletproof Monk Gates. Don't get me started. That was like when we saw Bulletproof Monk. I've never seen Bulletproof Monk. Do I look like I've seen Bulletproof Monk? I'm going to face up. I don't know what Bulletproof Monk is.

It's a film. I don't either. Apparently it's a film. I was hoping it was a person. Apparently it's a film, Frank. But it doesn't sound very me does it let's be honest no but sometimes when one is in the early stages of a relationship you'll go to things oh i know that face i like pizza too i like karate films i love horror yeah um i love angelina ballerina yes no but there was an argument about that. He slept in the spare room.

Oh, did he? Oh, yeah. But, I mean, it was a simple mistake. Yeah. See, what I do, things that I'm 99% Kath went to, I'll say, oh, yeah, I saw the strokes at Brixton Academy. And she'd say, I was with you. And I'd say, oh, no.

Not that. Oh, you style it out. Yeah, rather than say, remember when we saw the strokes and she'd say, I was with you. And I'd say, oh, no. Oh, you style it out. Yeah, rather than say, remember when we saw the strokes and she'd say it wasn't me, I'm not prepared to take that risk again. Just in case, there's that scintilla of doubt there. Yeah, exactly. I know that we were together when she's gone, so I'm now thinking that we booked some tickets

and then I got a gig or didn't go for some reason and that she went with a friend. It's almost got to the point where one of us might send a group email to friends saying can any of you remember going to see the live do it now let's have a big show can i say did anyone go to the lion king with mrs cockroling when would it be i have no idea oh you don't even know when it was well i never went it wasn't me i've got to admit i can't see that show because I'm phobic about people dressed as animals. Are you? It makes me feel a bit ill.

You know what it is? You see this yellow felt costume and then you see the actor's black shoe poking through underneath and it makes me feel ill. I went to see the opening night of... I can't remember what it's called now. What's that musical?

I don't know. I probably saw it. What's that musical that's set on a cruise ship? Is it South Pacific? No, no. It's a lot of tap dancing and stuff. Anything Goes. Anything Goes. I went to see Anything Goes.

And it was the first night. That was like a night in an old people's home. I like that. It was the first night at the National Theatre. And what happened was that one of the male dancers got his foot caught in the revolving stage. Oh no!

Oh no! Can you imagine the nature of that scream? Oh. No! It was like Graham Norton's 50th and the cake came out. It was the campus terror I've ever heard.

And they had to stop the show. Apparently his shoe was torn in two. But happily he wasn't hurt. But I certainly wouldn't have forgot that. See, that's what you needed. You needed some sort of in-show incident. Usually with me it's a sandwich. I've never fancied the...

Lion King? No. People on Equity Minimum roaring. Come round my parents' house. We've had some cigar-based texts that will just break away from things we don't remember. We have. I'm trying to find some nice people who smoke cigars.

So far we've got Churchill, not nice exactly, but sort of admirable. And on the other side of bad people, millions. Yeah, there's been a few... There's a few nice ones, though. There's been a few missives come in. My daddy smokes a cigar every Christmas day and he's a lovely wee man from Lear in Belfast. So, I mean, we can't prove that, but we'll

take a word for it. I'm not taking a word for it. Really? You're not having that? My daddy sounds like it could be her boyfriend. Because he's much older. No, I think it's just an Irishish thing that's the phraseology in it okay it's okay so six five zero i'm not going to dispute that your dad is a nice man but i we don't know him so we have no uh we have no data so i'm i'm kind of what if it's

puff daddy he's just that could be her daddy's a goldoker. Because he's that way it's called Puff Daddy. Could be. 6-5-0. Frank, Emily and Alan, you asking cigar smokers even though never met him. Okay, that's not great the syntax. However, he does go on to say, I would put a shout out for George Burns.

George Burns. That's from Dave. That's a good call, isn't it? Shout out for George Burns. Don't hear that often. George Burns, does he? He should... Cranberry juice, that's my advice. George Burns does seem a nice bloke. Yeah. Dead now, but he's funny and stuff.

I mean, he's probably very difficult backstage, but he's funny. I'm going to put him in. It's George Burns and Churchill at the moment. When I say Churchill, I mean, we will fight them, not all of you. I don't think he smokes. They used to try that.

It didn't work out. You couldn't get the insurance. Exactly. Telly Savala, somebody has put. I think it's meant to be Telly Savala. I've discovered that Telly Savala was a nice bloke. Also, is that fictional character, Elizabeth Kojak, maybe smoked cigars?

I've never met a man with a shaven head who was a nice bloke, either. Oh, that's not true. That's surely not true. No, that's true. Have a think, though. Surely that's not true. There must be some.

Nobody. Carry on. Oh, loads of them. Oh, God. 844. Hi, Frank. You can't forget the dirty raincoat and cigar of Colombo. Fictional character.

Fictional character, sorry. And I love Colombo, but, you know, did Peter Fogg smoke a cigar? OK, 425. JFK smoked Cubans and prevented a nuclear war. When he said he smoked Cubans, he said, that's a joke, isn't it? That's a joke. That's not a bad joke, I must say. It's quite a good joke, I think.

Yeah, still only two in the good column. Yeah, it's not a great yield, is it? Shave and head nobody in the good column. So, you know, I'm sure we can keep that. OK, I've got one. What about the Dalai Lama? Yeah, good point. He's not a bad bloke.

He's not top gear, is he? Well, he's a bit homophobic. He is. Is he? top gear, is he? Well, he's a bit homophobic. He is. Is he? He is. Is he really? I read an interview with the Dalai Lama. Is this breaking news on Absolute Radio?

No, and he was... Hope's not great on that score, to be fair. FYI. No, the pub gets a lot of stick for it. Whereas the Dalai Lama, everybody thinks, oh, lovely, smiling, friendly. But he is, yeah, he's... He told a story about two homosexuals that went to see him

and he told them to basically stop it. Did he? Just stop it. Yeah. It's the Dalai Lama for you. He does get photographed at one too many red carpet shindigs, for my liking. Does he? There was a period in the 90s...

He was nice with the orange, though. You'd always see, Frank, the Planet Hollywood leper skin carpet underneath the sandals, and I didn't think that was a good look for a man who'd taken orders like him. I love the idea that he's got one of those Planet Hollywood leather jackets you have to get with the different coloured sleeves. Which he wears around...

He just wears around the temple. Frank, you've just hit upon something. All those Planet Hollywood owners were cigar smokers. I remember Sly Stallone, they loved a cigar. Do you imagine, are they someone you'd want to row the Atlantic with? I wouldn't want to row the Atlantic with anyone. Wouldn't you? But if you had to, who would it be?

That'd be a good texting. If you had to row the Atlantic with a celebrity, who would it be? I'd go Ben Fogle or Redgrave straight off the... Would you? Yeah, well, they're going to do most of the work aren't they? I can just sort of have a look at... Yeah, that's true. I think they should have a look out the window then. He's not got a window. I'd go

Russell Grant. I'd live off him if things got difficult. Not being horrible, but I would. I'd go Leslie Grantham. Any reason for that? I just think he's fairly open. And you'd want that.

You don't want formality on a long row. You don't want judgement, do you? You know, you were discussing the Beef Wellington joke. Yes. If anybody's just tuned in now, it's going to be confusing, but... Well, you know, get up. You were workshopping the attempt at a joke. Possible Beef Wellington joke.

I says, I says, be careful ordering the beef wellington. These days you're likely to get a couple of horseshoes on your plate. Well, like I say, it's the chap's attempt. We're workshopping it. Colin in Sunderland, good try. I'm loving Colin's joining in on that. I wonder if it's Colin Soggett, the former Sunderland midfielder. That'd be exciting.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. And you can text us on 81215 about anything you like. And you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Oh, yes. When you can say they can text us about anything they like, they do seem to be texting us with suggestions of cigar smokers who aren't horrible people, and now it's moved on to people with shaved heads who aren't horrible people. Yes, you also said they were all horrible as well. I mean, I'm less convinced of that than I am of cigars.

Well, I've got a feeling how this might go. Shaven-haired hero. What about Steve Bull, Frank? A great bloke, I'm sure you'd agree. His former Wolves player. Yeah, I had a feeling that... Yeah, but he covers his with a tatter's hat, if I remember rightly, according to the song.

Is that right? Yeah. Actually, much to my chagrin, this says, what about Steve Bull, comma, Frank, no question mark. I'm worried about the question mark. People aren't using it enough. No. Do you not know it? I suppose.

People are not using the question mark these days. I don't care. I hate the question mark. It looks like a man with a shaven head. I like the question mark. And a bolero tie. I'm going to start one of those campaigns like people do about the possessive apostrophe.

Why don't you do that? Let's keep the question mark, it'll be called. It's got a bit Countdown Dictionary Corner here. I always thought the question mark was a bad move on the Doctor Who costume, I always thought. Oh, yeah. 228, Morning Frank, Emma the Cockerel. What about Groucho Marx as a cigar smoker

That's three in the good column Two comedians That's from Steve And a wartime leader My back catalogue From Steve From the Forest of Dean And he says

I've lived in the forest for about four years now I still haven't explored at all. So by means of a text-based night's move, if Emily ever wants to help me explore the Forest of Dean in more depth, that would be lovely. Well, no. I think... You rascal.

Yes, that is... We walked straight into that. We did. Duncan Goodhue seems like a nice bald fella. Oh, I thought he was going to say he'd sent in. Yeah, I'm not counting that. I said shave tensed. Did I not? He fell out of a tree, didn't he?

Fell out of a tree and all his... That's not shaving, is it? It's not. No one's ever thought feeling a bit rough today. Where's that elm? So he's not... He didn't shave, he said. It was an accident. I would like it if you'd got an accurate tree. Was it an elm that he fell from So he didn't shave his head. It was an accident.

I would like it if you'd got an accurate tree. Was it an elm that he fell from? I don't know what he fell from. It would be great if you knew that. I don't know what he fell from. I must have... Where do you stand, Frank, on Tom Selleck? 922.

Big cigar smoker. Top bloke. Is he a top bloke? I think he's a member of the National Rifle Association. Yeah, and a staunch Republican. Okay. Looks hot, though, isn't he? Every cloud.

And he's good. He's funny in the things he's in, isn't he? Is he? I'm pretty sure Brunel smoked a cigar. Have we had Brunel? The Sultan of Brunel? I don't know if it's the Sultan or if it's the engineer. I bet he does smoke a cigar, though.

He probably did, yeah. I don't know if the unpleasantness of the cigar smoker had fully risen to the fore at that time. Well, in fairness, Kenneth Branagh as Brunel smoked something of a cigarillo, I would say. Did he? Yes. Not a Café Creme from the tin, the tin with the lid.

I mean, what kind of people smoked that? At the Olympic opening ceremony, he went a bit Café Creme. He did. It was very Isambard, Kingdom, Brunel heavy, the Olympics. Yes, it was. Because it's become a big thing, BAFTA nominated and all that.

I still wasn't partial. What about Che Guevara? Attractive, revolutionary and good guy. I thought he was a bit bolshy with those nuns at the leper colony, I'll be honest with you. It's all right bursting in there as a temporary measure when people have been working

with them for years. Coming through on your motorbike and telling them what to do. Shut your face, Shay. Never change that old beret. You can take that as a no, I think. If I'd have been Shay Guevara, I'd have just opened a restaurant and you could have called it Shay Guevara. As in Shay.

Shay, yeah. You know, Shay thingies. And finally, Phil from Sitting Born, a good cigar-smoking man has got to be Tommy Cooper. Another comic, Frank. Yeah, another comic who had a long-term affair with his so-called wardrobe woman. Frank!

And drank a bottle of whiskey a day. Your witness. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now then.

Well, we need to talk about the bearded lady, Frank. Yes. You don't often see a bearded lady these days. No, that's true. Unless you've got the box set of Carnival. Yes, where there was quite a raunchy bearded lady in there. Yeah, great. Yes, this is a German woman.

She's German. And she's got a goatee. She has. A black goatee and long goatee. She looks a bit like Jay, the food expert from The One Show. Yes. Yeah, is it Jay Rayner? Is that his name?

I don't know. I think it is, yeah. Just if anybody's trying to... Is he Claire Rayner's son? I've't know. I think it is, yeah. Just if anybody's trying to... Is he Claire Rayner's son? I've no idea. I doubt it. Yes, it is. Is it really? They're marvellous.

Join a youth group, lovey. What? Yeah, that was Claire Rayner's advice to everyone. I'm going through a very messy divorce. What shall I do? Join a youth group, lovey. I saw her once in Joe Allen's restaurant in Covent Garden. Lovely. And she had two sticks towards the end.

And she wasn't drumming, she was walking. They looked like they were... They weren't wooden, they looked like they were Capi De Monte. That's sort of China, two China sticks. And they must have been enamelled, I suppose, for wet weather work. How did she get purchase? I don't know, but she, you know... One of those rubber stoppers at the bottom.

Yeah, I don't know if it went all the way down. There might have been some sort of end. But I've never seen walking sticks like them. No. Don't make them like that anymore. I wonder what happened to them, though. It must be since she's passed away. Oh, the rainers?

No, I wonder what happened to those two sticks. Oh. I wonder if Jay uses them with Chinese food. Feeds the other people at the table, you know, a few feet away. Oh, that's horrible. Yeah, it's probably he's had the robbers cleaned, you know, from walking around. It's a nice thought. Anyway, the bearded German lady.

Ah, yes. So she went on this morning. Did you see her on this morning? She was talking in great detail about it. She said she's never felt sexier. I hate it when people say that. I'm getting like I hate anything to the word

sexy. Makes me feel sick. Sexy, that's what I call it. I went and saw Oblivion this week. The new Tom Cruise. Oh, what was that like? Well, it looks absolutely astonishing. Yeah. You had me at Tom.

Yeah, but the script is indifferent. But they have, there's love scenes. I love Frank's reviews. Why do they have to have love scenes in films like that? And they're really cheesy, ooh baby type. Didn't you go off love scenes in books as well? I hate love scenes in films like that and they're really cheesy baby type love scenes here's the thing if you like I'm not stopping if you like love scenes go and see a romantic movie and enjoy yeah but you know what when you watching that romantic movie don't blame me if two aliens come in and blow the couple to pieces. Or suddenly there's a car chase.

Spoiler alert. Leaving a pink miss where their head was. That doesn't happen in romantic films. But in sci-fi films, suddenly there's a stupid love scene. I'm getting like I hate Tom Cruise. He's rubbish now. Used to be, you know. Well, don't worry, he's not remotely litigious, so we won't get into any problems.

I'm not saying anything about his sexuality. I'm saying he's making not very good... This could have been a brilliant film. Oh, dear. And they've got, like, a model in it, you know. Like a model who's in Quantum of Solace. That was a great film. Oh, her, yeah.

I haven't seen that yet. I saw her on the Graham Norton show. A bit cold. Yes. Anyway... Anyway, we weren't even talking about that. I want to get back. To the bearded lady.

To the bearded lady. And I'm probably the only person who said that, let's be honest. What worries me about you, when you're looking at your phone, missed calls. Anyway, I've got to get back to the bearded lady. She got some horrible abuse. You see, I wouldn't want to get a phone call from the bearded lady. Why? Because she'd be talking to you.

Oh, I sometimes get that when I've got a beard, yeah. What happens if Brian Blessed calls you? Hello. You get it, you get it. Hello, this is the bearded lady. I'm just saying to feel very sexy. Who wants to hear that? I like that she speaks German just in English in an accent.

Speaking of German, when Angela Merkel comes over for the funeral on Wednesday... Oh, yeah. You can imagine, after about ten minutes of conversation at the party, she's going to say, just a minute, let me tell you about divisive leaders. Now, what worries me about this bearded lady woman is, I read the article about her. I didn't see her.

Did you actually see her interview? Yeah, I did. Okay. I scrolled down to video. And I thought, well, how brilliant. This woman, she had a baby 28 years ago, and she started growing facial hair, just a hormonal reaction.

And she thought, no, I'm not going to be ashamed. I'm going to go with it. And I thought that I respect for that. And then I read that she's got a circus act. Yeah. And I thought, that's a bit rude one, isn't it, for a bearded lady? You know, she's sort of, I'm a bearded lady now. What kind of work can I do?

I know. She's let the side down. It's public facing facing but not in a way that is detracting like you wouldn't have her on hotel reception or something would you people i don't i think it's slightly wrong i think she could host a sport show she does yeah she's not very client facingfacing, as I believe the phrase. No. Well, I don't know her that well. But I didn't think she was unattractive. I don't know that it would particularly put me off. No, I just... All my questions are about the grooming of it,

because when I grow a beard, I wonder if other people have the same problems. Mine gets a bit achy. Achy? Yeah, I wonder if it gets a bit achy. Achy, breaky beard. Oh. I just want to interrogate her

She didn't mention that I don't know, what's German for Ikey? Ikey? I think I've cracked it We've been talking about the bearded lady. The German one. This is the German one. Yeah, this is the German one.

But she's not the only one. Because it turns out there's this character called the bearded lady of Guildford. She's something of a local celebrity. Oh, yeah. 9-7-8. We've had various texts in from the Guildford community who are proud of their bearded lady. She's got a website. Blimey. She's got a sort of

king lear affair i'm looking at her now you've got her up oh yeah i've got i've got her deets let's have a look oh hang on i've got to call it in put my password get rid of the incriminating photographs hang on one second please i'm not going to flick through don't delete that wasn't what i was expecting, I must say. I was thinking Tiny Goatee, and she's sort of Buster Merrifield. She is rather. Is this good radio? One has to wonder.

There's a man being shown a picture. Yeah, but, you know, we don't have to worry about good radio anymore. We're outcasts. We do what we like. You're crazy. I, of course, Zolady used to live in Guildford. You don't think it's her, do you? I'm not sure.

I know, but you were obsessed by her for a while. Once she put the shoes on, something had to give. Yeah, imagine her running with the wind blowing through her beard. What a fabulous thought. She looks like a nurse lady. What I like about the, I'm going to call her the ITV bearded lady. She's a bit more commercial, isn't she? Let's call her the GermanV bearded lady. She's a bit more commercial, isn't she? Let's call her the German and the Guilford.

OK. Oh. The German has what I believe is called a Van Dyke, that beard. Yes, that's right. Yes. Because the moustache isn't attached directly to the goatee. No, well, I mean, she's probably working with small assets. You know what I mean?

I mean, it's never going to be really thick, is it? No. Like your gap between hair and sideburn.'s got that on the top look to who's that celebrity hairdresser who's got that the thickest beard you've ever seen in your life i can't remember his name but it looks like it's been painted on is that the texting elvis's uh hairdresser anyway so well and good luck to them all, is what I say. I don't think it would put me off. Would it not?

Really? No. Exactly. Someone's got to marry David Bellamy. Yeah. I've thought about not growing a full beard, but I'm thinking Nike symbol on the right cheek. That would work.

What do you think? Well, it's a bit of advertising that so far they've not tapped into, so I'm sure they'd be interested. Well, I'm not saying it would happen. I'm just saying, be it to sell people, they'll say we'll have a goatee, or we'll have a...

Why not? You can do all sorts of weird and unusual. You know, some people who really carve fabulous patterns in. Yeah. I'd go for it. I'd go for all that kind of stuff. Frank, we've had a text in about a walking stick.

Oh. 278. I recently sprained my ankle. Yes. Sorry to hear that. True story. And purchased a blue and white Liberty-esque print folding walking stick, as opposed to the usual black ones.

Folding as well? Folding. You've got to trust that hinge, haven't you? You had a choice of many patterns, and I felt very stylish whilst infirm. Claire Rayner could have purchased similar. Yes. I like a text that ends on similar. It looked to me like Claire Rayner's walking sticks

might have been bespoke. Yeah. I wonder if they were specially made for her by an admirer. Oh, maybe. But I'm thinking I might like to buy them. Hmm. We'll see. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan.

What about Gail Porter? Doesn't count. She hasn't got a beard. No. Does she smoke cigars? No. No, she didn't shave her head. That was...

That was alopecia, I believe. Yes, so can't count that either. I think we're steadily tying up all our loose ends. Do I count as a bearded lady if I have the occasional bristle which needs to be plucked? That's stubbly. You know we're on air now, don't you? That's stubbly from Sussex. Oh, no.

You don't count as a bearded lady if you've just got the occasional one. Stubbly? Thank God for that. I need to talk to you boys. I had a bit of a difficult social incident this week. It was involving a male friend. Don't rush to judge. It's platonic.

It's a sacred rather than profane union. Okay. I've known him for a long time. He is actually a director and he has directed a number of Doctor Who episodes, Frank. Has he? I don't know. Yeah.

So he's a nice friend to have. Yeah. He's an old university pal. He's happily married. He's got two children. And we meet up occasionally to chew. I think we've got what they used to call in the football programmes a pen pitcher.

Yeah. We meet up from time to time to chew the fat. I don't chew the fat. I chew the napkin. He chews the fat. But on this occasion it was rather embarrassing because the waiter in the restaurant, he decided we were going to get together

at the end of the evening. And he was determined to make that happen. He walked over initially and the first thing he said to us was, you want a bottle of wine to share? He said, no, I'm fine, I've got a beer, thanks. He went, not to share? And I said, no, no, we're fine.

He said, I'm fine, I've got a beer, thanks. He said, maybe later. Did he? Yes. What's going to happen later? It was nine o'clock by that point. No, I'm... Oh, I had this once.

I was in an Australian hotel room with Caroline Quentin and Maria McAleern. You know Maria McAleern? Yes. And... Extraordinary triumvirate. We ordered chips and mayonnaise. Yeah.

Three helpings. And they were in their robes their white towelling robes I was naked, no I wasn't no I was in normal gear and the waiter came up the room service and he put everything and then as he left he said to me for good evening sir

and raised his eyebrows and left like he was absolutely certain it was going to be some sort of menage a trois well this man was similar he decided when my friend was presumptuous he came over frank and he said maybe you share meatballs well i have no he honestly said that yeah he was keen on you sharing i said you sure they weren't just short of food i said no because he kept coming over like sort of got Kwan on a dating

show. He kept saying, how's everything going? And when he suggested we get the grappa out, I thought, no, this is dodgy. To grappa? I said, I don't even like liqueurs. I don't even like grappa. Was he giving the chap some instructions to grappa? Do you think you misheard? I'll tell you what I've

never done, even on a date, it strikes me. I've never had a two straws drink. Oh, have you not? You know when you see that in films and people will have a blah blah and two straws? There was that time that I was hiding under the surface of a lake with Dame Diana Rigg. Oh, yeah. But apart from that, I don't think I've ever done the two straws thing. Do you do the shared dessert, though? Because that's a little bit romantic. Yeah, with the long spoons. Oh, I don't think I've ever done the two straws thing. Do you do the shared dessert, though?

Because that's a little bit romantic. Yeah, with the long spoons. Oh, I don't like that. Oh, that waiter was trying to proffer those long spoons in our direction. Can you imagine? Yeah, I think in the current climate, with so many things on the verge of pandemic, the shared dessert is gone.

You've got to be careful. I thought you were going to say that they're a good idea because people are economically in dire straits. The shared desserts are... It's a good plan. No dessert, I think, if that's the situation. Good point. Straight back home. Put the grappa. I did feel,

though, I've known my friend for some 20 years. And I did feel towards the end of the evening... Since you're at school. I thought, yeah. I thought, towards the end of the evening... Since you're at school. I thought, yeah. I thought, maybe I've missed the trick. You see, that's the thing.

The waiter started affecting my thought process, my treasured platonic friend. Of course, by the time I walked out of the restaurant, I thought, what am I thinking? Do you think the waiter's some sort of old-fashioned matchmaker? Yes, I think you could be right. You remember Fiddler on the Roof? Well, you know, the good thing was

it extended to him giving my friend the bill. Man, Pete. He never said man, Pete. No, he didn't. That's his thought process. Yeah. Well, that's all right. And he was all right with that?

He was fine with it. Nice. I like a happy ending. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We need to have a chat about what to do with fan mail.

Not mine, just in general. Do you get much? Actually, I did a gig in Hull a few weeks ago. Of course you did. Of course I did, yeah. It's in the north and I'm gritty. Someone said to me, they stopped me in the street and they said, where is Alan Cocker at this precise moment?

I had to guess. I'd say, oh, doing a gig in Hull? Yeah, it's there or Skipton Cattlemarth, isn't it? There you go. But the guy came through like two minutes before I was going to go on and he said, oh, I've had a gift from a member of the audience for you Smash it And he said, I think it's related to a show you do

Like with the question mark, you know Yeah Obviously wasn't a listener Well, he used the question mark Exactly And he'd given me, this lady had sent us an Easter card and given him a box of Ainsley Harriot's Scottish-style chicken and leek flavour cup soups. Oh, a sort of cock-a-leek-y reference.

Exactly, a sort of cock-a-leek-y. Ainsley Harriot, shaving head, saying I'm up. I don't like to seem ungrateful, but I think it could have been an actual cock-a-leek-y, couldn't it, rather than chicken and leek soup? Yeah, but that is what cock-a-leekie is. He's just broken down its basic components. Yeah.

Also, a sealed sachet is what you want when it comes to fan food. Well, he did say... Otherwise they inject it with mercury in her. He did say, I've met her and she's just given me this. But then you go out and you do your show and you don't quite know who to thank so it's difficult you didn't thank anyone was that your fault I didn't thank anyone what I like to do is I like to give the audience

thanks by carrying on the good work that's a lovely way of looking at it yeah I respect you for that but I like to do a lousy gig and then just say thank you at the end she's also sent a card so thank you for that I mean it was a couple of weeks ago, like I say.

It's Helen, so thanks, Helen. What about that thing with... We'll have a cup of soup after. Who's that pretty girl who went out with... I don't know that hate already. Caroline Flack. No, the pretty young singer. Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift. I found a whole bunch of her fan man in a bin. Yeah. That doesn't look good, does it? Unopened, wasn't it? Which is... Oh, that's so harsh. I find the homeless are such snitches, aren't they?

They could have just ignored that and carried on looking for half pies, but no. That was the bit of Lady of Guildford. They had to expose that young girl who probably didn't even know about it. It's probably one of her people put it in the bin. Yeah. But it's quite nice, isn't it, that people are...

I shall never give again. Not after that. You shall never? I'll never give in to the homeless again after that break of confidence. I thought you meant to Taylor Swift. No, I've never given to Taylor Swift. Can I make that clear?

Yeah. Have you sent fan mail, though, yourself? Have I sent it? Oh, yeah, I used to write to footballers when I was a kid. Really? Did you? Did you ever get a reply? I got...

You used to get, like, I got a... I just used to ask for their autograph. I didn't want a letter or anything like that. Did you get dictated but not read on the autograph? Sometimes I'd get, like Dennis Law sent me a shredded wheat advert. Did he? That had gone, his autograph

sort of printed on the advert. Oh, that's no good. Whereas Bobby Moore, always a gentleman, sent me a nice, you know, best wishes, Bobby Moore. And a kiss. I wrote to Tim Roth when I was about 11 or 12 years old I'd seen him in a Mike Lee film

I had strange crushes at my age and I said to my parents I really like him and my mum said write to his agent darling so I looked it up in Spotlight she handed me Spotlight very responsible and I remember it was Markham and Frogger

I said dear Markham I didn't understand that that was an agent's name. I said, dear Markham, I said, I just wanted you to pass this on to Tim Roth. I think he's the best actor I've ever seen in my whole life. Wow, nice. And Fountain Pen. Never applied.

Fountain Pen. Yeah. Fountain Pen smashing. See, that's all right. I hate writing with Fountain Pen now. The thing with fan letters is, I don't know, not before in my life did I associate

lined paper with danger. But now when I see lined paper I think I have to be careful about this. As I read it I could be being watched by someone from an adjacent house. You think lined paper is one step away from the old school printing out, like sticking

in the words from the newspaper. Yes. I think it's basically the pre-empt to an assassination attempt, usually line paper. I've got this also, I've got 12,000 publicity pictures, which I had printed. I've got about 10,500 left. And when I had them printed, I had long. I've got about 10,500 left. And when I had them printed

I had long hair. So I send them out now to the four people a year. I mean really long. Not your pitch invader days. It was my James May period. Oh I remember that. So I send it out now with my midlife crisis hair.

And people must look at it and think we must wear it in a barn. One of them. So, I mean, I don't want to get new ones. Not until you've used up the ten and a half thousand. No, and that could take me, well, another life. At least. At least one other life. This is uh i would find out more about

that but now i've alienated the dalai lama i'll have to i'll have to use google but uh yeah so uh that's i feel bad about sending them out to date uh pictures if anyone is listening who's got one Yes, you, mate. I'm sorry. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Have we got time to pop back to Email Corner briefly? I'll go on then. Why don't we? I'm not bothering with the... No, don't. This is from Hugh in Sheffield.

That's basically it. He says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. My friend Tim borrowed my VHS of High Fidelity before my 17th birthday and promised me he'd return it along with the birthday card he'd insisted he'd got me. I turned 28 on the 28th.

Oh, wow. And retain a forlorn hope of receiving these items. Therefore, I refuse to buy the film on DVD or throw away my otherwise dormant VHS player. Forever in hope, Hugh in Sheffield. What I hate about that is that the VHS and the birthday card that never made it. Because I'm imagining, what's the name of this person? This is Hugh in Sheffield.

I'm imagining Hugh's daily ritual involves, first of all, lifting the flap on the letterbox on his door and then lifting the flap on his VHS recorder. You know that flap on the gap? The flap on the gap. The flap on the gap is all mine, all mine. The flap on the gap is all mine. That's why I urge all VHS recorder owners

to sing. I worry about Tim, the chap who borrowed it. I imagine that he's got that high fidelity VHS on a shelf and every now and again it just plagues him. I've got books that I know deep down are someone else's and there's a pang of guilt

when my eye just passes across that shelf and I think... Frank and I have got an ongoing issue with the Amelie, no it's not Amelie but it's an Audrey Tattoo DVD and there's a book about... And the Simon D book? Yeah. Yeah, we've got an ongoing issue with the Amelie... No, it's not Amelie, but it's an Audrey Tattoo DVD. And there's a book about... And the Simon D book. Yeah. Yeah, we've got multi-guilt.

It's not so bad when you've got one each, though. It's like a hostage situation. I can't give you it back now. Can't you? No. It's a war of attrition now. We have to maintain the one each. I think that...

I'm worried about the friend, not from a guilt point of view, but has he seen the friend at all since Tim? Friend Tim. Yeah. Well, if not, it's a long time. I mean, this could be a sort of a very confused missing persons thing. I'd be a bit worried if someone said,

I'll bring that birthday card and the VHS. I didn't hear from them for 11 years. I might want to check, you know, if everything was all right. We could be talking half man, half mattress. We could. I'm hoping that's okay. Have we time for another email? Frustrating.

Can I say, one of my all-time favourite films is Independence Day. Oh, yeah? Oh, do you like that? Yeah, and I've only got that on Laserdisc. And it's meant that I've had to keep my Laserdisc uh in a fairly well yeah i can't just have the design museum in your house but i've kept i've kept that i did have

some more modern equipment but i've i've put all my uh sony equipment in the skip this week. So I've kept that LaserDisc, I've kept the LaserDisc player just for that one LaserDisc. Because I think, no, I'm not going to buy it. Why should I buy the DVD of it when I've already got the LaserDisc? You'd be right. Because I've got lovely weight in them,

a LaserDisc. I don't think I've ever used the LaserDisc. Yeah, so I've calculated from the 1970s. They look like an album, but they're heavier than an album. You could, say if our job was being assaulted and he un-got his hat, but he was near a laser disc player. He could reach the eject

button. He could kill somebody with one of those. And relax. Okay, I think we're moving. That's the end, really. I think we've got through it. It wasn't too bad. I'm particularly pleased with the cigar theme, which ran and ran.

Brilliant. That'll get an award this time next year. Yeah, do you think? Best cigar player's texting. Most legs on a no-hoper texting. And can I offer our congratulations to Geoff Lloyd and to Christian O'Connell and to... I think that's it, isn't it?

Here? Oh, I think Vicky Blight and Sarah Champion and Ronnie Wood. Good luck to all of you. And we only hate the judges, we don't hate you. We love you. The judges and their stupid faces. Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.