The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Modern Technology

Episode Date: April 6, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Alun Cochrane. Topics up for discussion are Frank's forthcoming health check, modern technology that blows your mind and Justin Bieber having no friends...and of course there's a trip to Email Corner!

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Editor, is that the correct phrase of InStyle magazine? Deputy. Deputy editor. Don't demote me. I'm terribly sorry. Many have tried. The word assistant didn't feel right at all. Oh, no. Deputy editor of InStyle magazine, Emily Dean. And one of the country's top comedians, Alan Cochran. You sound like you're on Sky News or something. Are you doing the papers?

There might be somebody new listening in who doesn't know what they're... Okay. What the... All right, I had a panic then. Can you say hell on the radio? What the Dickens is always good. What the Dickens is going on. I'll come back to What the Dickens.

Follow us on Twitter at Frank on the radio. Yes, I was watching... You know the Talons of Wang Chiang, the Doctor Who? No. Tom Baker. Funny enough, no. And the physician... One of the Tom Baker ones, yeah.

The physician in it says, What the Dickens, at one point. And it's set in the 19th century. And I just wonder, I've always assumed that What the Dickens refers to Charles Dickens. Yes. How soon did they start saying What the Dickens? to charles dickens yes yeah um can i ask how soon did they start saying what the dickens well never mind that why is he called the physician in order to distinguish

himself from the doctor that's intentional isn't it well i think i think he's a sort of coroner oh is he oh but yeah you might be right oh but yeah what what what the dickens maybe it's not um charles dickens might not be somebody will let us know. Monica Dickens. You know when people say, put your moniker on that? Do they? Yeah, meaning your signature. That's from Monica Dickens, isn't it? Is that right?

Yeah. No. I thought it was David Dickinson. Frank's already tricked me once today, so I'm going to be very careful. No, I... That was very... I didn't know. I don't...

I couldn't speak. I love the occasional prank. Yeah, I got pranked. Anyway, we won't go into that because there's all sorts of complications. Both legal and moral. Anyway, thank you so much for tuning in today. I know you didn't tune in. Your dad insists that you listen to this whenever.

But if you just go with the flow, maybe you'll find yourself enjoying it. Might even learn something. They might end up knowing, like, what the phrase, what the Dickens means. Yeah, I hope it's a reference to Dickens. It'd be disappointing if it isn't. I think they'll text in our readers. They're good on this sort of thing. Isn't the phrase, know your onions, onions about, um, onions the book of words

at the time or something? Oh, is it? Yeah, yeah. Is that right? I don't think so. I don't think it's about onions. So many fabulous facts. Well, it was only a half fact, really. I'm guessing it's wrong, but I still like it. I still like it.

It's been, by the way, if you think I'm sounding a bit, um, I'm going to say sexy. I've got a weird sort, I don't know if I can term it a sore throat, because the soreness seems to be. Can't make a sore throat. It sounds a little bit, yeah, husky. No, but it's, yeah, I've got a blue tongue. Was that a chow? No, Hoski's blue eyes, chow blue tongue, that's how I remember it. I've got a sore throat, but it doesn't seem to be right at the back where the throat is.

It's forward, but it's a near-miss sore throat. Oh, right. So it's a sore back of the mouth, but you don't want to be telling people that, because they start thinking about, you know, food deposits, and they feel sick. It makes them feel sick. Luckily, this week, I have

a health thing coming up. Every two years... What's the health thing? Every two years, I have, like, a proper big... an hour. Like an MOT? I have an MOT, but every two years, in every a proper big an hour like an mot i have an mot but every two years in every how's the aftercare one year um well it depends how it goes okay so far i haven't really needed any but you know never say never too late i've already said it twice that's annoying yeah

so i'm going to you go to this place and they do things like they make you blow into what looks like the inner thing of a toilet roll and it tells you long capacity and you run on a treadmill and stuff like that. It's quite exciting. It's a bit like, you know, in Iron Man... I was going to say, it's a bit Iron Man.

It's Captain America, really. Captain America, when they turn the wimp into the superhero. It's a bit like that. You America, when they turn the wimp into the superhero. It's a bit like that. You can imagine which stage. Spoiler alert. I had a feeling. You should see.

Sorry. Yeah. Sorry about that. You don't think Frank's going to come in. You know they get those like receipts with the muscles inside you can put in. I hope you don't do that, Frank. I might have peck imps. Oh, God.

But I had a feeling. You should see the question there. got 17 pages 17 i don't think i'd even cope with 17 questions what sort of what sort of question is really oh god yeah do you not do that you know magazines you know when you're reading mostly a's i love a mostly a's quiz oh god you know when you're reading, like, Family Circle? Yes. And there's a thing and it says, like, are you irritable? And you think, oh, for God's sake! And you start filling it in and then you say, I love doing that.

I got interviewed. You know, there's a thing in The Guardian at weekends where it's like a question. It has things like name your favourite journey and stuff like that. And I did that once. And I knew all the the questions advanced because i've done it myself at home so many times trying to come up with a different answer every week i love that i love questionnaires frank i'm with you one of them was what are your main health concerns oh yeah surely that's death for everyone yeah it's it's gotta be be. Anyway, I'll put that. We'll see how it goes. But I'll tell you some of it is

odd. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we have an answer to the Dickens conundrum. We've had many, haven't we? Fantastic. What a great band they were, the Dickens conundrum. That was our key favourite.

I saw them at Nebworth in 88. Yeah. Confusing lyrically, though, weren't they? Well. Very long, very long songs, Eddie. Yeah. Dickens, this is What the Dickens. You were asking about the etymology of What the Dickens.

Dickens is a euphemism for devil. Mistress Page said it in Shakespeare's Merry Wives of Windsor. Oh, blimey. That makes sense, because you wouldn't want to say it. It's like, for goodness sake, because you don't want to say God. Exactly. Ah, well, then it's all right to say it if you're a Victorian physician.

Can I say I saw Kate O'Mara in... Did you? In Mary W Mary White's Winter in Regent's Park. I was offered bottom in Regent's Park. Oh, God. No, I was. I wish I'd done it now, looking back. I was in Midsummer Night's Dream. Who didn't say Hampstead Heath, that's all right.

No. Anyway, talking of your health... Do you remember... Her triangle was fantastic. Hang. Do you remember she was in a thing called Triangle, can you tell Mara? No.

Yeah, she had electric blue eyes. Beautiful woman. Frank, we were talking about your health. Yes. How is it? Well, that's another thing, what about this for a question So this is the questionnaire that you were forced to do Have you ever

Have you ever suffered with hemorrhoids? Give the complete dates Of the suffering Of the suffrage Well you can't give the dates back now you've eaten them can you But who keeps a sort of emerald journal? Dear Diary,

terrible flare-up today. How long? Is this what they mean by the annals of history? My, what I call my hem-was. No, but people must make that up, hadn't they?

You can't remember stuff like that, huh? Who writes that? Ridiculous. No one. Another one is, does your relationship cause you stress? Was one of the... What did you say? Well, I ran out of paper.

Oh, be quiet. There was only about two inches to write in. It was ridiculous are you sure where were you asked to send this back to was it the Saturday sun no just to Cass it's all a wicked

ruse I think it's quite exciting now because it's I like you know I like a fitness test and stuff but it did remind me of in the 80s I, I applied for, I think, two jobs. And it reminded me... Because when I filled in... You were a good getter back then, weren't you?

You know, it was the time of the yuppie. Oh, I loved yuppies. I looked after number one and do unto others before they do unto you. So I applied for two jobs and didn't get either of them, nevertheless. And it reminded me, because it said interests, and I put reading and going to the cinema, which is what I always

used to put then. Oh yeah, I used to put that. And they're not really interests, are they? No, it's just life. Also, who has hobbies now? If I had hobbies, I'd say alcohol and phone calls. But honestly, those are my hobbies. I'm sorry. I don't have any others.

No one has time for hobbies anymore. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was just remembering alcohol. Oh, right. How brilliant. You're in a reverie there. So brilliant. Yeah.

And also, when it said, how do you keep fit, I put walking. And I thought, God, how old am I now? It's better than not walking, though, isn't it? That's what they'll say. It is better than not walking. They'll say, well done. Well done, better than not walking. If they say that to me, then I know I am genuinely old.

If I'm congratulated for walking. Even pedestrian racing. You know my pedestrian racing, when I race against other pedestrians in the street? Yeah. I did a good one the other week, actually, where I decided although i had the steam to overtake this bloke i thought i'd really put him on edge so we walked along uh

the thames i bet we did half a mile shoulder to shoulder oh in the end he went on his phone i just think he got so self-conscious and he slowed up a bit to let me go and i slowed up a bit as well it's brilliant you like it right yeah but i've found that since i listened to audio books i don't want to uh i don't want to walk so fast i want to walk a bit slower and enjoy yeah get more of them more of a chapter in terrible so anyway i've got that um coming up quite excited about it and I'll give you the results next week if I don't mention it next week you can read into that what you will

obviously if it's really bad news it might be, I might not bring it up but if it's really bad news you'll hear Tanya Snuggs revealing the news and then again of course it's the Sony nominations on Wednesday. Oh, God.

It could be a terrible week all round. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We, um, I, uh... Well, we've had a text in, actually, from 750. I'm finishing. Oh, I'm sorry, Faye.

Vowel? Yeah. Consonant? I'll tell you what I miss in medicals. What? The knee hammer. Do they still use the knee hammer? No.

I don't know if they do. I don't think they're allowed to use those, are they? They're not. That went out with corporal punishment. I do. Surely. They used to take ones i was not that long ago they took one out of a drawer and it was in like a like it's been sterilized the

knee hammer is in a little plastic bag was there rust on it i always find that very sad i'm so relieved when the leg kicks because i play no part in it i leave it you know i can't bear it i look at the leg and think you're on your own this time. And then it just does that little kick and I think, great. I hate that. Because I have issues with control anyway. And I don't like that I can't control the leg. It frightens me. What about the clawing toes when the lollipop

stick goes up the sole? What? I'm sorry? When I drag a lollipop stick up the sole. Oh no, it's your doctor. Doctor Struckoff. I misheard that and thought you were making soul as in S-O-U-L. The lollipop stick in your soul,

where's it going? That was a song I did with the... I think it was with They Might Be Giants. No, it was with the, what they call that big South African

Soweto singers. Oh, yeah. I did that. Lollipop stick in my soul. It was a massive big number. Do you not remember it? No, I missed it. I got a lollipop, lollipop stick in my soul, Jesus. And to think you're known for Three Lions.

I know, yeah, whereas that one, that's what you get in a secular society. These sort of works that are unappreciated second album isn't it is it one with a joke on no it's just plain wood plain wood like the real cross yeah it was um i hate it when it doesn't have a joke they were temperamental this so it sings down to earth. Are you talking about, is it Lady Smith something something?

No, no, they suck. We couldn't get them. Oh, God, they cost, I'll tell you. Yeah, I don't know if they would have done any better. Oh, God. They're interchangeable, these big gospel troops.

Just so, FYI, Frank, 750, I'm having to complete an online food diary ahead of a health 360 like i'm doing that next week no drop down option for prawn tempura so had to put deep fried scampi chris that is a flaw in the online questionnaire i tell you what i've already done i had a bit of easter egg and i to myself, I'm not putting that on. No. Secret Eaters, Channel 4. The lies have started already. I'm not putting that on.

Lie big. It's Easter egg. I'm not going to have anyone look up and take their glasses off. You know, that's what he'll do. Bloke in a lab coat, read that and go, take his glasses off and look at me and go, Easter egg you have. I'm not having it.

But surely you could say, it's only once a year. Can I ask, Frank, did you have the whole thing? No. I did it the other day. I had thought I'll have an egg. And I opened the egg. I couldn't open it. I used a boot to open it.

And I just sat there eating the whole egg. Yeah. That's bad, isn't it? No, I only had a bit because I'm not being well. Oh. And also, do you include Lemsips on your daily intake? Oh, yeah. Weird. But anyway, I'm not putting the egg on your daily intake? Oh, yeah. Weird.

But anyway, I'm not putting the egg on. I'm still not putting it on. And I've said it on radio, and I'm still not putting it on. Oh, God. I can't face that look, that medical look. Easter egg, you had. Oh, shut your face. And then where do we go from there?

That's what you've got to ask yourselves. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, what else we got? Well, you know, it's a regular thing of mine that I say it's amazing what they can do now. I would say I say that at least three times a week.

It's almost a catchphrase. I'm not even trying for it to be a catchphrase, but I do think it is amazing. You said you was trying. It is amazing. Don't get touchy about stuff. I had another one this week. I was driving my motorised vehicle, my car.

You've got that Sinclair C5 still. I'd love to get one of those. I wonder how much they are on eBay now. Well, Jonathan Ross has got one. No. Yes. Has he? Yeah. Does it how much they are on eBay now. Well, Jonathan Ross has got one. No. Yes. Has he? Yeah.

Does it work? I believe so, yeah. I'm surprised he can get into one with his big, long legs. He had a onesie on when he got in there last time. It was quite a sight, I tell you. I remember there was a place in Birmingham where it acknowledged the unpopularity of the Sinclair C5 by hanging one up

as a sign over the shop. Really? Yeah, hanging one on wires. It seems a waste, doesn't it? It does, yeah. Were they safe? I don't know. They were very low. We'll soon find out. Hope you're okay, Jonathan.

Low to the ground. It was like driving a doorstop. I think they'd be good for me. I'd love one of those. Let's get one each and go to... Hastings. For the next bank holiday. What do you say? Okay.

Yeah, we haven't had an absolute outing for ages. We used to go to... Blackfordshire go to America. Where do we go? Blackpool once. George Formby Convention. No, we moved. I loved that. We went to Edinburgh. Oh, yeah go? Blackpool once. George Formby Convention. I love that.

We went to Edinburgh. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, but we won't. Yeah, we'll see how Sony's go. Yeah, that could make a big difference. Either way. Back to my mind being blown. Oh, sorry, Al. I was driving my motorised vehicle, diesel, not a Sinclair C5,

indicated left, and the indicator bulb has gone. I've had that happen before on other cars, but on this car, you know your indicator normally makes a little tick noise? So on mine, in a normal run of events, it would go... That would be my... That was perfect. Whereas, when the bulb has gone, it goes... So you know that the bulb has gone.

A frenzy. But it also says it on the dashboard, you know, indicator bulb needs replaced. You see I've got crickets. I think the car's got an infestation. The mechanic's going to deal with both jobs at the same time. You've got a biblical plague on your hands. That is good.

Somebody took that extra bit of time to think, wouldn't it be a good idea if this clicked? Honestly, I had a proper moment of going, oh, that's amazing. It's amazing what they can do now. Now that is brilliant. And then went back and told my wife and she was like, yeah, that is amazing. I was thinking the other day, I was

having pickled onions. Lovely. It's not on the list, I tell you. That won't be in the drop down menu. No, I mind your pickled onions. Lovely. It's not on the list, I tell you. That won't be in the drop-down menu. No, mind your own business. That's only on Peter the Wild's health checklist. I had three pickled onions, you know. It's not going to change things one way or another.

Oh, and the egg. I can't eat quiche without at least three pickled onions. Yep. I can't eat quiche because it's not 1974. Well, I'd bring them into the 21st century with some pickled onions. That's how I operate

space age in my kitchen. Quiche 2.0. But you know, you have to put your fingers in the vinegar to get the onions out. Yeah, or you could use a spoon. Oh, sorry, everyone's saying yeah.

No. But you dangle the fingers in. I thought. Well, they don't dangle. They have to reach in to get the... Have you got a massive jar? Or a tiny hand? Which is it?

No, I've got an average-sized jar. And my hand... I manage to get the things out. But, you know, then you've got, like, your fingers smell of vinegar. And they just, you know, they just look a bit slightly preserved. Yeah. And I thought, wouldn't it be great if they made a jar which had a sort of a canal-like lock system so you could isolate the three pickled onions.

Oh, that's a good idea. And then you could drain off the vinegar from that section and then take them out of a dry dock. So pinball wizard style. I like that. That's something that hasn't been invented yet. But there'll be an inventor listening to this. There's the kind of people who listen to me. There'll be someone filing the patent even as we speak. You have that as long as you send me a jar you can have the millions

of pounds that come from it um what about that it's a kind of bloke i am fair dude yeah frank the ideal pickled onion delivery system would be based on the national lottery machine you may have to split the royalties with them as well regards one to one so they could be in pickle in the in the vinegar in the actual thing and then they could come up with that's a brilliant idea exactly does it roll out at the bottom though the pickled onion like does it roll along a little yeah it has to have some sort of channel although let me let me or does it get spat out let me me visualise the lottery show. Shall I pretend to be myling class or something?

And I'll go, first time since June 23rd. It's come out on a total of 76 times. The bloke who says how many times the numbers come out. And there's a little sound bed of tension music. There is. Oh, I love it. I can't remember exactly what it does, but it would separate it from... If you imagine that the body of the machine contains the vinegar,

I'd be happy with that. 231 says, Frank, you need a pickle catcher. He does. It has a long handle so it can reach into jars and a sort of little basket which catches the pickle but drains the vinegar. I feel like they have in chip shops when you get... Oh, yeah, they do. You're right. Theirs look big. I don't know if I'd get that in the neck. I don't know. I've're having chip shops when you're getting them. Oh, yeah, they do. You're right. Theirs look big.

I don't know if I'd get that in the neck. I don't know. I've only seen chip shops. I've got a friend who works in a maternity ward. I'll ask her if they've got anything I could... But these would be genuine improvements on everyday life, wouldn't they? Oh, brilliant. That would be great.

A fork, you see. The trouble is with a fork, I find, if you don't quite get... Because they're quite evasive, pickled onions. And they'll turn suddenly, and you get that sound of the fork hitting the glass jar. Or my teeth. My teeth are going, just saying, that sound of the fork hitting the glass jar. I'm not even hearing the sound. It's getting a bit cotton wool in the mouth.

Oh, I quite like that. We in the S&M community have learned that that is a must on some occasions. I'll tell you what I like, modern inventions-wise, whilst Al was talking about them. I always marvel, you know, in the kettle, I like the current water capacity visual display. Oh, yeah. Because I can remember, back in the day, I can remember the whistling kettle, I'm afraid, boys.

You know, I sort of forgot. I didn't notice the non-whistling of the kettle. But you're right, they never whistle anymore. Well, how did you know? Also, you used to have to. You didn't know whether it was full. You'd have to open it and do an examination. Now, I love that.

You had to cover an element at one point. Now they're all... You had to cover an element. I like the little ball. The ball that rests on the water. Can I just stop you there? I don't have any of these things on my kettle. What do you have?

I have... He's got like a jolly swag man set up. It clicks off when it's done. But can you not see the water display? I can't remember now. It's only just struck me that it doesn't whistle. That hadn't even occurred to me. When did they go, the kettle whistle?

That used to be quite exciting, didn't it? 40s, 50s? No, they didn't. No, I think it was 40s. 50s, maybe. Not 40s. Absolute. Absols, maybe. Not 40s. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Also the other day, I got a text of a video of the kids dancing that had literally just happened, like two minutes before it. My wife had just sent me it and I was looking at it going, do you remember how long this sort of thing used to take? Like, to film a thing in your living room and then send it 250 miles to somebody else

would have involved parcel force or whatever, and a tripod and tapes, and it was just there. I was looking at it going, this happened two minutes ago, 250 miles away. This is starting to sound like me watching the cricket live. Cricket live from every time. I said it to my girlfriend's mum, who's not interested. I said, can you believe this is happening now in New Zealand? This is happening live and we're watching it

and I always leave a slight pause, but we're watching it, pause, in colour. In colour as well. I don't bother with the HD because I don't want to overload her. But in colour, like it's happening now, in New Zealand. Steve Middlesey I think it's good to be grateful for these things. Steve Middlesey I can't believe it. Steve Middlesey Yeah, yeah. Steve Middlesey It's every time I see it. Steve Middles for these things. But I'm not passionate. I can't believe it. Yeah, yeah. Every time I see...

You can't believe the technology. But I watch loads of things on the telly. You know, I've got 3D. I've got Sky 3D. You've got 3D. Stop boasting. I watch Sky. Yeah, this is me. I've got 3D. This is my new sort of...

You're not trying to pull a bird in a barn out. I've got 3D. This is my new sort of LL Cool J approach. I'm boasting. I've got 3D. This is my new sort of LL Cool J approach. I'm boasting. I've got 3D. I watch 3D, I think this is great, but not like when I watch cricket and think. Yeah.

It's happening now in New Zealand. I've got another one, and I'm not bragging. This Casio watch that I'm wearing. Oh, God, he's getting paid by them. You can't set it. You can't set it. You can't set it the time yourself. It sets itself. It's set by six satellites in space.

No. So you know the other day when the clocks went forward an hour, I woke up and my clock had gone forward an hour on my watch. While we're talking about that, and this is again modern technology, how do the computers know? Yeah, and it mind-blowing. And the phones. You see, and this is, again, modern technology, how do the computers know? Yeah, isn't it mind-blowing? And the phones.

You see, you can tell, because my mum's boyfriend is a bit of an old 1970s actor. He still rings up and says, Oh, can you remember to put the clocks back forward? Because I don't want you sleeping in tomorrow. Well, I have to do my wristwatch. My wristwatch, it's not getting the satellite contact, so I have to do that. I quite like it, going forward an hour. Yeah, my other one doesn't.

I still have a watch that I have to sell, but it's good to have this one. Because I think I'm a little bit in control. My mum told me her car clock went forward an hour, just naturally. Is that breaking news? She drives an Apple Mac. I get in the car this time of the year, and I look at the clock, and I think, oh, the clock's right again. Brilliant.

I never change it. I'd like to hear the readers as well, if they have any modern inventions they like, Frank. Yeah, if there's anything that you still think is remarkable. For example, our producer Daisy said the squeezy Marmite bottle. It made me too technical. Somebody you think, oh man, this makes my life so much better. I can talk about the loofah for 20 minutes. Leave it.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to be involved in the show, we'd love you to. You can text us on 81215 or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio that is all

when you say to be involved it does sound like they might then be invited to turn up and do some stuff I haven't written anything off at this stage change the game, why not we were talking about everyday inventions that blow our minds and we've had a text from Hilary in London saying,

my iPod shuffle still amazes me. I can't believe how many songs are on such a tiny, cute little thing, even though I've had it for years. It is amazing. When the iPod first came out, I remember me and a mate talking about it and he said, you can put, like, you know, 50 albums on. He said, and if you have like 20 albums on, or 50, it's not any heavier.

It's true, though. What do you mean it's not any heavier? The shuffle is great. I'd like a microwave shuffle. So you just press the microwave, go and you don't know what food's going to come out. Oh, that'd be good. It might be quiche.

It might be a roast chicken. If you're in Frank's house, it'll be a quiche. How exciting that would be. All the reins. And I'll tell you what, I would eat whatever came out. I'm not one of those people who say, oh, I didn't really fancy that. If it's just there and cooked and steamed and it's pinged, they've had the ping. You see, they've lost the whistle from the kettle, but the microwave has stuck with its ping.

It's funny you should mention that. We've also had a message. It was naff on it. Let's be had a message... It wasn't that funny. Let's be honest about it. ...about the kettle whistling. Let me have a look. Hang on. Oh, it's gone.

Well, I've got Jonathan in Worcester Park says, thinking about Frank watching the cricket from New Zealand live in colour, how about pausing TV and radio? I think it's amazing. I'm watching something that isn't live. It happened two minutes ago while I was making a cuppa. Well think it's amazing that I'm watching something that isn't live that happened two minutes ago while I was making a cuppa. Well, it's

funnier even than when it was funny when I said something that you should say that. Yes. Because I will tell you this week, for some reason, I think I might have to switch it on and switch it off, I'll be honest with you. Is there a problem? I'll just ring up Radio Rental.

It's lost, yeah. It's lost its interactive thing. The red button is just saying, leave me alone. The thing comes off and says, leave me alone. I think it's Buzz. They fiddle with him. Yeah, maybe. But also, it doesn't do the, it doesn't do that. It doesn't rewind the telling. And I went to, there was, a mate of mine was on

the news, and I went to rewind it, and it didn't rewind. And I thought, what? I don't like the sound of this mate of yours on the news, and I went to rewind it, and it didn't rewind, and I thought, what? I don't like the sound of this mate of yours on the news, but that's not the story. He's worked with them all. Anyway, let's gloss over that. I don't think of any unsavoury characters. Just listening to you talking about whistling kettles,

you can still buy them all colours. I don't have an electric kettle. I have a cream whistling one. I've had it for about four years. They last longer, but take longer to boil. I wouldn't go back electric kettle. I have a cream whistling one. I've had it for about four years. They last longer but take longer to boil. I wouldn't go back to electric. Have a good day. What that person has done, I don't know if it's

a he or a she, is there a name? No. What they've done is they've equated the whistle with the kettle on the cooker. But you get electric kettles with whistles as well. Oh, I never knew that I would always assume that they were a hob kettle

No but you'd get it out of affectation I think surely Maybe that person's right Very much so Maybe that person's right and I'm wrong I'm sure I had an electric kettle that whistled I'm sure of it My friend Gavin lives in the countryside and was just telling me the other day

Why? I don't know it's inex my friend Gavin lives in the countryside and was just telling me the other day. Why? Yeah. I don't know. It's inexplicable. Why would anyone do that? But he was saying they've got a hob top kettle. What does he do with his spare time? He's got loads of it.

Alcohol and phone calls. Probably, yeah. The major hobbies. My hobbies. He was saying that they have to phone people up saying, like, you're going to be here in about 20 minutes. Do you want a cup of tea? Because we'll have to put the kettle on now because it's a hob top he's glad he's glad of a project in the country that's why people that live in the countryside watch kettle never boils i bet they all do it but they pull up chairs

kettle's boiling margaret oh frank the best invention is the vacuum flask. It keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold. But how does it know? That's good. Not when you put a bottle of wine in there, which I did once. That's good. Did you? When I was a teenager, I didn't understand. What I do, last minute, before I screw the top on, I whisper into the flask, cold.

We don't say any more about it. That's our little arrangement. I still want to talk about the loofah. No. I've always been very impressed by the rubber on the end of the pencil. Very convenient. It's a good match-up, isn't it? But I'll tell you what I have to say.

They're not the best quality, generally. And I find now, when I'm... Black smear. When I'm right, yes, exactly. It's like trying to rub something out with a dog's toe. If you can imagine trying to rub something out with a dog's toe. It leaves just a black smear, as you say. I wish they'd improved that.

Oh, God, if we that. Oh, God. If we don't get a Sony nomination, there is no God. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We're talking about inventions, modern inventions, that we're just blown away by. Gordon McPherson. Landmines. Yes.

A very good morning to you all. I really love the microwave oven, but I still don't trust it completely. It just seems dangerous to vibrate particles to generate heat. There's something very North Korean about it all. Yeah, I know what... Gordon. Also, still in my mind is that thing that they used to say in the office you don't want the seat next to the microwave oven or something will happen to the

side of your head remember that yeah do they still leak like they used to did they used to i don't can i just have a confession i don't have a microwave i don't like them i've resisted i think there's something i don't know i don't think they're very me. How do you cook without them? I cook. Lime. Do you? Yes, I do.

Why? You must live in the country. Oh, OK. And 657. Hair straighteners are amazing. Good hair in five minutes. Beautifully summed up. I like it.

It should really be straight hair in five minutes. Beautifully summed up. I like it. It should really be straight hair in five minutes. It's sort of implying that any non-straight hair isn't good, though, isn't it? Oh, I take your point. Isn't it? Some people have got lovely curly hair. Name one. Not me.

No, you can't, can you? I can't. Oh, go off, uncle. Lovely. Lovely. Lovely head of hair. No, he's someone who you don't want... No.

Oh, OK. No, his hair is ludicrous. OK. But imagine it in five minutes if he had some straightness. Yeah, he'd look fantastic. Do you think? And I tell you something about him, he's got very bright eyes. He does, yeah.

I tell you what, my cleaner, she's very nice, but she does occasionally put my trousers on a wire coat hanger. And I don't, they don't like being on a wire coat hanger,

trousers. Now you put them on and they look like you keep them in a book. It creates a line, doesn't it? Yeah, exactly. It does. I mean, we would all know that. But what's a brilliant modern invention is that there's just a little strip of cardboard that they fit onto one of those wire coat hangers. And suddenly you've got the lightweight flexibility of the wire coat hanger, but you don't have the line on the trousers.

Oh, yeah. Oh, we should have thought of that. Do you know what? You should start a dry cleaning shop. You know your onions. I'll give you that. You do remove them in a strange way. I'm not sure about dry cleaning in that I don't know what it is.

Oh, okay. I've never really known what it is. I send them off and they come back. Yeah. They come back in the same stuff that your seat's got on it when your car's been serviced. It's a plastic bag, but it's a poor quality plastic thing. It's almost like there's a ghost sitting on it. And I don't know, what does dry cleaning entail exactly?

Chemicals are sprayed onto the fabric. Yeah, does that sound good to you? Yeah. Okay. no problem with that sit look i'm just saying could i have one more bid for the toilet go on six one four i can't get my head around the toilets you bend this is dave working i think is he trying to make a joke or does he mean that because i genuinely no i'm sorry well i'm not joking i think it is something amazing about it you bend you're just so swift the disappearance well it's just i wish i wish that was always true well it's a very dignified end to a relationship it's gone there are no lengthy goodbyes just gone what worries me about getting onto this subject okay so i have i have various opinions on. I don't think people want to hear about toilet details.

Okay. Nevertheless. They do on your health questionnaire. They do? Yes. It's funny. But they say, I've read that when you flush the toilet, you should put the lid down because a great explosion of poisonous spores have fired jettisoned into

the atmosphere and you inhaled them. Right? Have you heard that? Yes, something like that. A version of it. It's punned. But there's a certain amount of brushwork to do.

Oh God. I can't. And in order to do the brushwork, you have to go into the far eye of the danger spores, the killer spores. You don't have the TV that you've got to take up manual labour, do you? I can see why you were resistant to this. I know, exactly. And it's...

So what I'm doing is I'm putting my head into hell on a regular basis. And I'm fully expecting to show up on the health results. You're saying what you've got here, you're absolutely infested with poo spores. Who needs that? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

747 has texted in about modern inventions. Yes. I know it's not that new now, but I've never been able to get my head around the fax machine. How does that work? How can you put paper in at one end and it comes out of a machine somewhere else? I think it's the fact that you imagine it's the same piece of paper even though you know it isn't i've always been amazed by it 747 and that's coming from 747 who knows a bit about technology you'd think so yeah yeah i'm still positive over the xerox and uh in almost in the spirit of a correction we've had um an email from philip Car Indicators, which is how all this started with me being impressed

at the faster click when a bulb had gone. Hi, they have clicked faster for decades. It used to be due to how they worked. When one bulb blew, the other one would heat up quicker, hence click faster. In newer LED cars, they put click in as a warning, but it's not a new

invention. Sorry. I like his remorse. Thanks very much, Ted. It's new to me, though, because I don't think I've ever had an indicator bulb go. Every other bulb on a car has gone, you know, swear and tear. I wouldn't know.

And you were both laughing at me for not having a microwave, but Alexander says it's been recently found out that microwaves alter the chemical structure of foods and toxins can leak out of plastic containers. I'm just saying. Oh, no. Do I have to put that on my health form? Yes. Worst invention was milk in a bag. It went all over the fridge. What was that?

That's the cow. Yeah. I don't remember milk in a bag. No. No. I don't remember milk in a bag. No. No. I don't like the sound of it. But I bet when it spilled, whoever had it said, oh, I'm going to have to get another one.

I mean, it doesn't get any better than that, does it? No. It does. Laughter would be better. Someone had texted in about Star Trek, didn't they? Because I was talking about a microwave shuffle. That's right, yeah. And someone had said they had one on Star Trek, didn't they? Because I was talking about a microwave shuffle. That's right, yeah. And somebody said they had one on Star Trek. Vaughan Stone has emailed saying,

ha, wasn't that a Star Trek invention, the microwave shuffle? I think they knew what they were getting. I know what he means, that thing. Wasn't like a lucky dip. There was a sort of refectory on the Enterprise. But I don't think it was a shuffle, was it? I think they got what they ordered. Got what they deserved.

You don't want to be living in the future and not get what you're ordered. That would be terrible. I think we'll take a little wander on a Sunday morning read. A little wonder on a Sunday morning read. The Mail Corner. Still sounding good.

I went off it a bit. Did you? I could sense you were going off it a bit. But today it seems newly fresh, isn't it? It's like a long-term relationship. Ebbs and flows. In a way. Now, ebb and flow are a's like a long-term relationship. Ebbs and flows. In a way. Now, ebb and flow are a couple in a long-term relationship. That's not the S&M community again, is it?

No, no, this is. Dear Frank, the lovely Emily and the Cockerel, long-time reader, first-time writer. In the last few months, two of the most badly-named, brackets, read pretentious, close brackets, establishments ever have opened near me in north-east London. Oh, wow.

A pub called The Dissenting Academy. Wow. And a cafe called Meatfish Veg. Do the team know any worse? In an old podcast, Frank once suggested The Big Headed Peasant as an option. I didn't know that. The Big Headheaded peasant? Which actually works better for me.

Rest assured, both are chock-full of men aged 25 to 35 who are twirling their Poirot moustaches with their fixed-wheel bikes parked up outside. Much love to all. 7-5-7. I love the bitterness in this. Oh, God, that's... Sorry, that's...

What's going on? I left my phone on. Sorry, everyone. That's new, isn't it? What's going on? I left my phone on. Sorry, everyone. That's new. It's bugles. It is, yes. You have to tell us who it is now. Is it the health check?

My text message is... Who's it from? I'm not telling you. What? My text thing is called Sherwood Forest. High level on all iPhones. I just assumed you were playing some music to underscore the...

I thought we were going a bit War of the Worlds. It worked quite well. Shall I let it go again? No, I won't. Sorry, everyone. He continues, P.S. Oh, I'll say he, I don't know for sure.

P.S. Strangely, Emily, I'm named after your grandmother. Oh, no, I do know. What's his name? It's Lindsay DePaul. Not grandmother, godmother. Godmother. What? She'll never speak to me again. I misread it.

He's called Lindsay DePaul. I don't know if it's a he, it's possibly a she, it turns out. This is all over the place. I wasn't really looking to the end of the email. Is there a name on email? What if it's a man? Strangely, Emily, I am named after your godmother. It's the same grandmother.

James Coburn's ex. I think they're trying to get me disinherited. Lindsay DePaul. I feel better about my annoyingly misspelled name since finding out your link. Oh, it's got to be a girl. PPS, did you ever get your Pomeranian? This is the worst reading I've ever done on the show. I like you say the worst reading, like you're in reception class.

You know, this began long-time listener, first-time writer. This sounds like long-time listener, first-time reader. You know, someone who's been reading for a long time and thinks, you know, I might try this out loud. We'll see how it goes. That's what's happened. Pomeranian, that's how you say that. Pomeranian. Mine is called Peppy. She's amazing, if rather feisty.

That doesn't mean it's a woman, because they own a Pomeranian. No, but she's named after Lindsay DePaul. She could be called, it could be a bloke called Paul, who was named after Lindsay DePaul. Or maybe it's DePaul. Also, Lindsay's also a man. It's named Lindsay Anderson, the film. Good point. Oh, maybe it's DePaul. Also, Lindsay's also a man's name.

Lindsay Anderson, the film. Good point. Oh, so she's my grandmother and she's named after a bloke. Well, look. Well, look, Simon Cowell. Excuse me, I just sneezed on her. I can't think of any pretentious... Just Falafel Place in Covent Garden. That's a shame.

But that wasn't pretentious, that was comical. But you do, yeah, London has got some very pretentious... If anyone else has spotted any pretentious establishment names, opt themselves. Well, Meatfish Veg would be good if they had an extension. They call it Meatfish Veg Sides. They could have, like, a little lean-to on the side, couldn't they? Meatfish Veg Sides.

It's like Dragon's Day. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We're still in the corner. Oh, we are. Nobody puts emails in the corner. Bar off. It's us, yeah. Dear Mr Skinner, cock-a-doodle-don't,

and the DME. As were discussing james elroy on a previous show i thought you should know that the title of his latest book bloods are over comes from a poem by a friend of the show a e houseman Housemen. In a while. A poem? All those pensioners all over London running into their sheds. Before you continue, can I just say, I like the way you enunciated A-E Housemen. It was a bit like

my name, J-R Hartley. That was a nice little gig for that actor. I like her name with the two initial at the front. You know, PJ Harthy and C.S. Lewis.

And Vijay Singh, of course. Vijay Amitraj. The poem is called, well it's spelled O-V-I-A, but I think that's pronounced Re-Vally. Re-Vally? Yeah, a bugle thing. I thought it was Re-Vile. There used to be a saucy magazine called Revali when I was a kid. Not very saucy. No, it was

more like a tabloid type thing. I loved Alan using filthy creed. I like the fact that you two have just discovered the word Revali. Well, I would have said Reveille. Do you know that French word? Isn't it... To wake up. Isn't it like come to the cookhouse door? That's Reveille, isn't it? Is any buglers listening? I don't know.

You have a bugle on your phone as an alarm, so you're hardly typical. Just so we have covered literature, poetry and philosophy... A stern alarm. I thought Frank ought to know, ought to know, it's got to be Alanis Morissette, that Immanuel Kant, but Jacques Lacan. I see, it's a philosophical work.

Well, I think, should I say, no, but thanks for the tip. Yes. It's quite work as well as Vanessa May. Yours as ever, Christopher Royston of Louth. If,ston of Louth if Emily is ever in North East Lincolnshire she needs to re-evaluate her career good although I'm always a bit wary of people who point out which part

of a county they're in you know when people say yeah I live in West Yorkshire I know West Yorkshire is a name of a place it's like a but just live in Yorkshire massive I know West Yorkshire is a name of a place. It's like a... But just live in Yorkshire. Massive, though. Yeah, but so what? I just want to know where you sort of live.

I don't want direction. I'm not coming there. Okay. It's alright. So you're not coming to West Yorkshire? No. Victoria Wood. Thanks for the tip. I love it. Do you know Samuel Pepys? Does he? I'm trying... What it. Do you know Samuel Pepys? Does he? I'm trying.

What about, do you know Olly Murs? Does he? Is he O-vite? Olly Murs. I bet he does. Is he still working, Olly Murs? Well, I think he might have just been let go. Sara is nodding.

Sara, our assistant producer, is more of the age group for Olly. Very much so. No, he's been let go, actually. That's very assistant producer. He's more of the age group for Oli. Yeah, very much so. No, he's been let go actually. That's very topical. Yeah, by... He's more topical than A Houseman and James Elroy. James Elroy is still operational. I can't remember us talking about James Elroy on the previous show.

Oli Merz, can we just say, well, from the subject of James Elroy. Oli Merz is leaving X Factor to spend more time with his family. James Elroy. I had a dream about James Elroy's Olly Murs is leaving X Factor to spend more time with his family. James Elroy. I had a dream about James Elroy's book. Do you remember that I had to read his book? So I started reading it again. His book about

the Kennedys and all that. Fifty Shades of Kennedy. This isn't one of our best bits. Can I just, I just want to write down. It's not even one of our worst bits. Let me just write down for the producer, not for the trailer. I'll just put it next to this bit. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Still in the corner. Still in email corner. Harking back to last week's text in regarding hitchhikers... Alan Harkin back to last week's text in regarding hitchhikers... Alan? Alan Harkin. Carry on. Yes, we were talking about who'd picked up a hitchhiker. I think it was two weeks ago now, but...

One of our very traditional Texans. What hitchhikers have you picked, Alan? And what happened? Obviously, we couldn't read out most of it. It's been passed over to the appropriate authorities. Even this one's quite impressive. I was once stopped by a topless man in Dartford. Oh, God!

Who jumped into my car. You stopped for a topless man? No, I was once stopped by a topless man in Dartford. How can you stop if you're in a car? I'm guessing he leapt out in front of the vehicle, slammed his hands on the bonnet, like they did on the start of films. Accelerate. Next time, accelerate.

He jumped into my car and demanded I drive him further into the town centre, during which time he reassured me by saying he was recently out of prison, but it was OK, as he had ripped the tag out of his ankle. Instead of killing me, as I assumed he might... That would be reassuring. At the time, he did in fact get out of the car and kindly shouted that if I ever saw him around, he'd give me a lift if I needed it. Even more upsettingly... What, in a getaway car?

I'll be driving 120 miles and ever being pursued by the police. And jump in! I might slow down, I won't stop though. down i won't stop though and the icing on the cake for me is at no point did he compliment or even comment on the cowboy outfit that i was wearing at the time as i was on my way to a party i like that's a great story can you imagine if you'd have seen those two if you were passing one with no top one with the cowboy outfit it's gone very voxel frank yeah isn't it he does i suppose he wasn't really much of a hitchhiker but i imagine this is the closest texting you're ever likely to have. Actually, next

week we were going to do texting if you've ever been stopped by a topless man just out of prison whilst you were wearing a cowboy outfit. I arrived very late, wanted to hotel at like two o'clock in the morning after a gig, and the night porter was wearing a suit but no shirt

underneath or anything underneath. Sort of a Frankenstein monster look. Suit and completely like a hairy chest underneath. I found that a little unnerving. Yes. Well, he's got a position of responsibility as well. He's the ambassador for the hotel at that point. And I asked him, I was looking for the stitch marks on the wrists.

I asked him to book me a cab for the next morning, so I had to leave early, and he started phoning on the phone. And he started going, what? What? What are you talking about? On the phone, and I I thought it's not going well with the cab cop. And then he went

oh right and then he put the phone down and had a laughing a mad laughing fit and I said what's happened? He said oh God

he said I just found somebody in one of the rooms it was like two in the morning oh man. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. This is not one of those shows where we don't mention the co-presenters. Don't worry about that. You can text us on 81215 if you'd like to join in in some verbal way. And you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the radio. So there you have it.

Now, here's the thing. I was watching The One Show. Do you know that's one of your favourite programmes? I love it. To me, since we've had a baby, I'm calling it late night TV. You were complaining earlier about how you couldn't watch Doctor Who

because you were having to look after the baby. Yeah, well I taped it. I couldn't watch it live. No. If you can watch a recorded television programme live I don't know if that's... Yeah. It's complicated. Nevertheless, I was watching who should come on as a guest, but Sarah Brightman. Oh.

The former Mrs Andrew Lloyd Webber. I remember. And... I don't know what to make of Sarah Brightman, generally. But I always thought she looked like a beautiful woman candle that had been lit for about six hours. Oh, God. Here we go.

But... She was a soprano, wasn't she? Yes. And she did a lot of her musicals. Oh, God, she sang like... Voice of an Angel. Yes. Yes.

And we all know how they turn out. So she's come on, she's plugging a new album, the normal stuff, and she seems a pleasant woman and lovely head of hair. And not a grey one in sight. Lovely head of hair. I must congratulate whoever it is. Yeah. Anyway.

I thought she was in this continent. Like I say, she seemed amiable. So they said, you've got another project on. She said, yeah, I'm training to be a cosmonaut. Now, I rarely spill food but um i was a little um a little taken aback did your pickled onions roll off the plate quiche everywhere luckily i was eating swiss cheese so they fell into the holes like those like those games of the ball bearings you have to get the ball bearings onto the clown's face. I know them well.

Anyway, so this apparently is, she spoke about, yeah, I've been doing a lot of weightlessness training just last year. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah. She went to, you've been doing that for ages. Oh, yeah, my whole life. You're actually trying to achieve it in this gravity. But she went to Houston, apparently, and was tested. And they said...

They had a problem, I heard. They said she was perfect. Did they? Good news. And then she went to Star City, which is the big Russian space centre. She said she spent ten minutes in a revolving chair. Well, I spend three hours in a revolving chair every Saturday morning. I'm

fine with it. Also, was she just on The Voice, maybe? That's what they do. But anyway, apparently it's true. In 2015 she's going to go into space. This wasn't like an A4 Fool's prank on The One Show. My girlfriend, Kath, and I were saying, could this be, you know, it's April the 3rd.

Yeah. Could it be that, you know, this got put back and they thought, oh, we'll just stick with it. I watched her press conference announcing it. It's meant to stop by noon on the day, isn't it, the old April Fool's? It wouldn't go to April the 3rd at night time. It's too much. But did you see? She had a press conference announcing it, and they talked about the training she had to do

and she basically had to hold her nose and count to 40, was what it looked like. Really? But I saw that one show and when she was talking about the training, did you hear when she was saying, yeah, well we had to make a tower out of, there's a lot of physics and things, we had to make a tower out of post-it notes. Post-it notes, yeah, that was one

of the tests. Yeah. If things go a bit pear-shaped in space. I think it's that and you have to pay them 30 million quid or something, isn't it? Well, she never mentioned paying them. No, well, that wouldn't have been done, would it? I assumed it was tit for tat for the Iranian monkeys. Russian press. Somebody said to Putin that the Iranians have sent monkey into space.

What? Get me Brightman on the line. Yeah. Now, Gerard, we're goingians have sent monkey into space. What? Get me Brightman on the line. Yeah. Now. Gerard, Gerard, we're going to have to cut this short. I was just talking to you about my passport. No, no, you'll have to go now. I've got a bad feeling about it.

Have you? I hope nothing happens to her. I'd be sad about it. She said, I want to go where they are, which sounded... I think that sounds a bit worrying. She meant the iranian she's tracking them down i um but it's true it was one of those things when we were saying this can't be true can it this is a woman whose only qualification to be a cosmonaut is in 1978 she had a single called i lost my heart to a starship Trooper. It's not enough, is it? Even that would steal your focus, wouldn't it? And I once, if you remember, went to that talk with the astronauts.

Yes. And Helen Sharman, who was the first British woman in space, Sarah will be the second, someone said it must be a very spiritual moment when you're up there. And she said, no, there's no place for that kind of thing on a space day. They don't want emotion. Oh, so it's a bit Vulcan. You have to be a bit Vulcan. You have to be like, yeah, you do. And Sarah, she looks to me like she's emotion-led.

Oh, she does. And jolly-led. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio Have you boys been keeping up with Justin Diva?

Because he's almost a friend of the show now Justin Diva He's got interesting hasn't he? I like it when young people get interesting It takes a while but I think he's got there He has a gate every week That's a sign of real celebrity, I think. Beaver gate.

Yes. He had late gate. That's right, yeah. He had primate gate. He had pap gate. Yeah. When he attacked the paps. Pap gate, primate gate.

And now he's got mate gate. Primate gate was his monkey was possibly illegal, wasn't it? Yeah. Could it just be pry gate? Yeah, very good. So, mategate is that Justin Bieber's... He's lamenting his lack of pals, essentially. Well, I don't even know if he's lamenting it.

He's just saying it's a fact, is he? He said, literally, my phone never rings. I have, like, four people, he says. He says, like, a lot, Justin Bieber, that I keep in contact with. But they don't call him apparently no won't he find out in like 2015 that he's had it on silent and there's millions of missed calls do you know what i think he could have been big yeah i think it's that thing of um every time i see him if he's not performing he's in the gym like they show lots

of pictures of him in the gym even though he's wir wiry. And I think it's that thing of, when you've been somewhere... He's wiry. I mean, he's not bulking up in the gym, is he? He's keeping lean. No, we like him snaky-hipped. He's not going world's strongest man. No, we don't want him to be... No, but he's actually got a great bod. I mean, if I may say this in a nod... No, he's filthy green.

Well, he is. He's a beautiful young man if I'm going to say this in a nod... No, no, no. He's got a great bod. He's a beautiful young man. I'm going to say that. He's gorgeous. Yeah. This isn't how I thought this chap would go. No. But anyway, I think it's...

You know that thing when... Who's better looking? Sorry to interrupt, Albert, but can I just ask both of your opinions? Are you Stiles or Bieber, looks-wise? Well, St Styles is... He is a good-looking lad, but I don't think he's up there with JB.

No. I think Styles is probably more interesting, but Justin's better to look at. Oh, you go for the interesting type. OK. But I think... You know when you've been to the gym or played in Fiverside or been to... doing a sporting activity? Perhaps the swimming.

You know where your phone's been in your shoe for a while? I haven't tried to bring him in. Perhaps the swimming. The last time I went to the gym, phones couldn't be in shoes. They were joined to the wall. You know what I mean? Yes. Even doing this show is an example where I have my phone off for three hours.

When I turn it back on, if there's no messages, it's a bit annoying. You know when you're expecting missed calls? And I think he spends that much time in the gym. Perhaps they've just asked him, what do you think of your friends, Justin? He's like, God, no one phones me, man. I've got, like, four friends and they never ring. I think it's that slight depression

That was just like It was like he was in the room wasn't it That was brilliant I could smell the umbrage I could see the pants Do you think they've caught him in the window The window of discontent as I'm calling it That's exactly what I think

I think it comes with celebrity And bleak loneliness I don't, My phone never... 100%. My phone never rings. Well, no. Oh, no, now it's awkward and it's acting like you're not a celebrity.

No, but I think you're right. It is a form of fame tax, what he's experiencing on the grade. Honestly, I'd say I've got, what, close, very close friends. Mm. None. And if my relationship split up, I think it'd be a matter of time before i became one

of those people who was found grown into their own mattress so you know did you say growing did you say growing into a mattress i just i don't think when i I was 19, I had like 500 friends. And I think as you get older, you refine... No, there was no Facebook. No, I think men do that. I think women keep their friends. I think they're only just... The first commercially available book has come out.

Men just let women do the friendships. Yes. That's what it is. Crab's very good at friendships. Oh, yeah, exactly. There you go. And then I can just live off her friends. Yeah, you live off the fat of the land. I like when they asked him about some other thing,

attacking people and stuff, and he said, I don't need to address every speculation. And I think for a 19-year-old, that's very articulate. Yeah, I like that language. I'd have been glad of that phrase when the medic supplementary benefit office asked me if I was working on the side. See, 19-year-olds, they're getting better.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were discussing just in... No, we were discussing the fact that the cockerel got a text from you last night. Oh, God.

I never get any texts. I think it's good to get texts. I like a text. I'm not saying it isn't good. He's just saying he doesn't get them. I'm suggesting it is good. In fact... Well, also, it's awkward because Frank was saying,

oh, no one rings me. Oh, yeah. And I just pointed out, well, no one rings anyone because no one really does that anymore. It's very dated to make a phone call. Hello? Hello? How are you? Who does that? I text people.

But some people, they'll ring up. How are you? They'll ring up and they're not arranging anything. They'll just ring up for a chat and then they'll ring up. Well, I mean, I don't know. How do you end that? How do you know when you've finished? Yeah, I don't love that.

I like it when people are phoning with a purpose. I wish there was a person who worked. But you boys are more Vulcan, you see. And Daisy's made it awkward by saying, you always ring me, Em, which is really awkward, because I never ring you two. That's because we're the girl. I'll ring Kath for a chat, because I can do that.

I wish there was someone like a sort of old-fashioned pub landlord that came on a phone call after, like, ten minutes from the network and said, anyway, come on, move out now. Finish up your conversation. Because some people don't speak for quite a long time. Yeah. Oh, there's no stopping them. But I think in general, just any friends of mine out there listening, FYI,

I always prefer a text or an email. I don't really want to talk to you. They're easier to ignore. And can I just say, any friends of mine, Saturday mornings is a really good time to text because I've had my phone on an airplane for like three hours and when I turn it back on, it's always nice to have just heard from the outside world. It's a bit sad when you turn it back on and there's nothing, isn't it?

Can I say any friends of mine? You'd like to apologise for saying you didn't have any friends. You no longer have any. I hope the afterlife is everything that you expected it to be. Hey, speaking of phones, we've actually got a segway here.

Oh, I think Morgan fell off one of those. He's careful. It's one of the modern inventions you really like. It's a... Oh, Piers Morgan fell off one of those. Careful. It's one of the modern inventions you really like. It's a modern invention that looks like a sack truck. Yeah. If you know the sack truck

that people carry boxes on. Do you know what I mean? Yes. It looks like one of those. Yes. But you can ride on it. I know what it is, yeah. Silly.

I'm aware of its work. So there's anniversaries. Can you believe this? The mobile phone is 40 years old? Yeah. Yeah. And, I mean, there's no...

I hate it when you start going on to ages. There's no lower context for a conversation in any media programme than an anniversary, but we'll stick with it. I heard a very old editor once saying on the phone to a writer, this must have been the Sunday Times some years ago, I'm sorry, we don't do anniversary journalism.

Yes. Every day there's an anniversary of something, an anniversary, and it gives you a chance. Television is full of it. Absolutely.

Anyway. Yeah. Aside from all that, nevertheless, I don't understand how can it be 40 years old, the mobile phone?

That would mean there was one in 1973. Yeah. I'd love to have seen that phone. That'd be a right old fax machine. Apparently, the way it happened was there was two companies, two rival companies working on it. One bloke got it working, so his first phone call was the other company to tell them that he'd got a cell phone, as he called it, that operated.

So the first ever mobile phone call was abusive. Yeah. Perfect. But the first UK one was made by Ernie Wise, which I like. That's true. Is that right? Yeah. That is true.

It was a promotional thing. Can you imagine the call when he got that? I bet he was the second call when they booked him. Oh, it's so cruel making an old man do technology as well. I was an early... If I'd not have been that old, then it was 1980-something, wasn't it? Wow. Was it? Oh, OK.

I'm an early adopter, Frank. So I would have got my first phone in 1993. Wow. Really? YouTube wouldn't have had that. And I remember Jamie Redknapp called me on it once. You are... No.

...having a laugh. I'm being deadly serious. Oh, brilliant. And I remember Jamie Redknapp called me on it once. You are. No. Having a laugh. I'm being deadly serious. Oh, brilliant. And I was in the middle of a photo shoot. There's a lot of elements to this story. This is great.

A photo shoot for what? You were modelling. No, it was a star photo for the Sunday Times. Oh, OK. And I couldn't get it. But I knew he couldn't leave a message,

which was terrible. Because I thought, if I don't get this, that's it, game over. As it were. You didn't have voicemails? No, you didn't have voicemails then oh it's a different era isn't it it was i mean at that time i was still working my way around my scion organizer different world the mobile phone is 40. i would like to know when

our phone is 40 i would like to know when you one of your worst uses ever if you are yes you're right when did you two both get phones i'm thinking you might be a later dr frank yeah i i did have one now that was quite um it i think it was it was to get me it was a ramp from the scion because it was a phone but it used to open up as well so you could type like on a little tiny um oh yes i remember those yeah but you know it's uh i think it was around 1999 that i finally gave up on the pager oh the pager yeah i had the pager clipped it on the old belt i'm thinking i might get myself a mini disc player. These things, they were fine though, weren't they? They were absolutely fine.

Yeah, you know videos? You know video cassettes? Yeah. You know charity shops turn them away now? They say, no, we don't want, we can't do anything. You're going to have to chuck them on a tip. Really? Even charity shops don't want videos now. Can I tell you something else about my first phone?

Other than the fact that Jamie Redknapp was one of the first callers. It was an Alexander Graham Bell moment. My first one was Ernie Wise called me. Did he? What about? Always have to top me, don't you? No, it wasn't really. But, oh, I can't remember what I was going to say now.

I can remember. You could only call within the M25. Now, honestly, that was true, and I think that's quite good. I had a sense. I had a sense you were going to approve of that. Yeah, that's still basically true, isn't it? That man who made that first effort call, I bet you he phoned up to take the mickey out of the opposition.

I bet you they got cut off. And I bet you then he became, having been the first man to use a mobile phone, he then became the first man to ever say, I don't know what happened then. I bet you. I tell you what hasn't caught... You know when people say, oh, those 1980s phones,

they were big. Weren't they big? And we all laugh. Ha, ha, ha. They were so big. The chip and pin machine. Oh, yes. Yeah.

That's big. Well, because you had to go on a pink one the other day. But why are they? They're enormous things. Why haven't... They seem like they're from the 80s and they haven't been... I agree. The technology's very behind.

You can take them out and pull them towards you. And they say, hand back to the merchants. Like they were first used in the medieval Middle East to buy silk and spices. They need a big update, I'm telling you. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've got an email in. Ree, the cockerel.

Uh-oh. 415 has texted us. I say email, it's actually a text, sorry. I get confused with technology. You sure it's not a Xerox? It was a Telex. Why they died out, I don't know, they were the best. Alan's BBC radio show has made it into

the males pick of the week alan's what alan's bbc radio show the next radio four number it is it's gone Wednesday night moonlighting it is yeah yeah is it not moonlighting yeah wasn't bruce willis brilliant yeah yes he was he was intelligent no but this is alan's um radio four show it's rather good somebody brought him a bought him a singlet, just off chance. Changed his life for the worst. Sorry. The next two recommendations. So Alan's show, what's it called, Alan?

Alan Cochran's Fun House. Can you imagine that? I like to think the title is somewhat ironic. That's what I was texting him about, you see. Sounds like it could be the name of a pound shop. Yeah. It made me lol. But it says the next two recommendations in the Mail's Pick of the Week,

alongside Alan Cochran's Funhouse, are solos on loneliness, people who feel themselves alone in the world. That's me. That's my show. Mind changers, helping people suffering with grief, anguish and depression Should they be listened to As a radio trilogy I think so So it starts this week

Your show It was on last Wednesday I've missed it I listen to it though It's on iPlayer How was it I loved it What if you'd said actually I was indifferent to it, though. It's on iPlayer. You listened to it? Yeah, I loved it. How was it? I loved it.

What if you'd said, actually, I was indifferent to it? Not in front of me. How marvellous. So that's great. Turns out it's quite funny. It turns out. Now, never mind that. We need to talk about one of my favourite subjects, which is class.

Class, yeah. Because did you... Well, there in a nutshell, you have it because did you well they they're in a nutshell you have it class and class my point in a nutshell yes but what do you expect this weather carry on did you read that survey um this week and apparently because there used to be just three classes traditionally weren't there i know i know which pretty much, let's be honest, it's pretty much summed up in this room, I think, in some ways. There's five in this room, I'd say. Five classes in this room? Well, there's probably three.

Let's not go into details. No. But now there are seven. There's been a new survey done and there are seven distinct classes. I saw it. You say distinct. I struggled. Did you make me head and toe in them?

I really. And also, where's arts and crafts? There was no mention. Where does that leave us? We're in some sort of limbo. Are we all arts and crafts now? Oh, I think so. Oh, okay.

I think if you work in the sort of, let's call it the creative industries. Yeah, your arts and crafts. Your arts and crafts. Is that true? Well, according to this, I'd be in the new affluent worker, your arts and crafts. Your arts and crafts. Is that true? Well, according to this, I'd be in the new affluent worker rung in the middle. But you, Frank, financially at least, would be in the elite, I would say.

I'm warming to it. The lowest rung are called the precariat. Is that right? Yeah. I like that. It sounds a bit Roman, doesn't it? It does, the precariat. Precarious? Yeah. I like that. It sounds a bit Roman, doesn't it? It does, the precariat. Precarious proletariat it stands for.

Brilliant. Now, that is... I'm starting to think I didn't give these enough. Maybe they're good, these categories. I was looking... You know, I was bemoaning there was no hoity-toity, for example. Hoity-toity would be a good one, wouldn't it? Yeah.

Hoity-toity, obviously, for the quite... I think hoity-toity is sort of middle-class people aspiring to be a bit one, wouldn't it? Yeah. Heighty says tighty, obviously, for the quiet. I think heighty tighty is sort of middle class people aspiring to be a bit posh than they are. I don't know who you could be describing. Whereas the working class trying to be, aspiring to be higher, I would say are the la-di-da. Yes. But none of this.

I think there should be a Top Gear class for those sort of men that obviously watch Top Gear and say, how you diddling, not three bad. I think they need a class all Gear class for those sort of men that obviously watch Top Gear and say, how are you diddling, not three bad. I think they need a class all of their own, those men. We know who they are. We've had a few emails from men like that about my car indicators. They also say, yeah, well, that's clear as mud.

I imagine that Sir Ian Botham would be their painter and saint. He'd be the high priest. Totally. Yeah. Totally. No nonsense. Yeah. No nonsense. Yeah. No nonsense.

I'll tell you what is classless. Bad table manners. You can meet some really posh people that, like, you just think, what were your parents doing? Did they have the opera on really loud? They were in a different room. They didn't hear you. They were in a different county.

Maybe that's what it is, yeah. It's borders, isn't it? I hope he's not talking about me, that's awkward. No, not at all. Imagine if it was. Very good at the table. He's winking at me while he's saying it. And he's doing that thing of holding his hand to one side of his face so you can't hear him.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Scott has just tweeted us, Frank, there are two episodes of Merlin on tonight on BBC Three. Yes, I think that's first series, isn't it? I'm not the person to ask. Yeah, I think that's first series,

and I'm very happy to say that my colleagues on this radio show bought me the first series box set on DVD. So I can be a little bit devil may care about the scheduling of the first series. I saw an ep of it the other day, in fact. Did you? Was that your fact? Did you?

Saw an ep, yeah. Yes, there was... That's what it was called, what Frank just said. I did that with my baby. He doesn't... We'll see how high we can go. He can go really high. Yeah.

Can he? Has he a bit Sarah Brightman? He's got a very impressive falsetto. He's got a brilliant falsetto. He's a bit Sarah Brightman in more than one respect, because he's a bit of a cosmonaut in name only, at least. You should hear him do Donna Summer's I Need Love. Is it need or feel?

I feel love. I feel love, yeah. Speaking of my son, Boz, he's developed his first joke. No. Has he? Yeah, he's brilliant. I thought you were going to say tooth, but no, joke.

It's really brilliant. And you can tell he knows it's a joke. What he does is he'll pick something up and he'll hand it to me. And when I go to get it, he pulls it away. Oh, excellent. I mean, it's one of the great tribal jokes. It's in us all, that joke. It really is.

You know, offer something and then take it away. But you can see genuine delight. And it's a beautiful thing to watch. I mean, you know, I don't know. I'm sure he knows it's a joke thing to watch i mean you know i don't know i'm sure he knows it's a joke for him response from his response yeah yeah i mean for all i know it could be is you know a metaphor for the changes in the benefit system might be but i think at the moment it's just a basic thing but who knows but it's very i feel so proud oh i bet you did you give him a decent round and stuff?

Well, what I do is I fall for it every time. Of course. Yeah. You've got to. I'm looking forward to the withdrawn handshake. Excellent. And also, perhaps the one... I'm looking forward to the bananas in the suit sleeve,

which is what you do, of course. Yeah, and maybe he'll do that one when he kneels behind me and Kath pushes me over. He's not quite got the height for a dead leg, but it's all great. It's all great stuff. Anyway, shall we

time? How long we got? How long we got, Daisy? A minute and thirty. A minute and thirty. I'm going to do this email really quickly. What about a sing song? Oh, yeah. What can we sing then? We have to pay people if we sing. Well, bear in mind it's the Sony nominations on Oh, yeah. What can we sing then? But Frank, don't we have to pay people if we sing? Well, bear in mind, it's the Sony nominations on Wednesday,

and if we don't get any, I'm leaving. So... Frank! Oh, my God! Shouldn't we end with a sing song, just in case? What about, you know, John Miles' music? What are we going to sing? Sound of music. John Miles' music. I don't think I know it. Yeah, you know. He's picked something we don't know, Sound of music. John Miles music. I don't think I know it.

Yeah, you know. He's picked something we don't know. To live without my music. Oh, I know that. I do know that. Yeah. Music of the field. No, we shouldn't.

Very good falsetto. So this might be the last time you hear us, but it was nice knowing you. Yeah. And we never asked, I never found out what tiger knots were. Yeah. We were going to. I know what you're thinking. I know what you think I mean, but I don't.

My dad used to go to Blackpool when I was a kid, just once a year on the pub outing. And when he came back, he used to bring tiger knots. And there were these little sort of, like, wizened little knots. You genuinely started a texting with a minute and a half to go, for sure. 13 seconds. It's a new thing I've invented. It's a bit like speed dating, but it's based on commercial radio.

I'm afraid no-one's made it, Frank, with a not-sexting. Oh, we're over. I need to find out, because I remember them as being the most fantastic tasting knots of all time. Maybe my dad made them. He never went to Blackpool at all. He had a small knottery. So anyway,

goodbye. I'll just leave it there. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, and we get a Sony nomination, we'll be back this time next week. Now, we don't really care about it, do we? And relax.

Now get out. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.