The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Neighbours

Episode Date: December 14, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank was poorly this week so Emily took the reins and she is joined by Alun Cochrane and Pete Donaldson. The team discuss unlikely crying, John Terry in Poundland and inappropriate selfies.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Frank is not here though. I'm Emily Dean, I'm in Big Daddy's chair today, which is why it's quite roomy actually. Frank's a little bit illy. He sent the producer days your text this week, one-word text just saying rough.

Now, I think that's a harsh review. She's a good-looking woman. But he said rough. It later emerged that he wasn't feeling very well, so he's not here this morning. We miss you and we love you very much, Frank. But the good news is I am joined by the esteemed Cockrell. Morning.

If I send the producer a text saying rough, she'll just assume that the dog has stolen my phone. Yeah, and she'll be very surprised you've got any credits left on your phone. We're also joined by absolute radio favourite, Pete Donaldson. Favourite, wow. There you go.

That's not something I usually acquit to my bad self. I'm, oh, are you bad? Excellent news. To the bone, baby. Oh, he's got a bit sleazy. Can I just say, Absolute Radio, it's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid. Sandy Moore has a Christmas jumper

on. Oh, she gave us almost a striptease there, with a Rudolph figure on it. I'm loving Absolute Radio's Christmas decorations. Oh no, I'm not, because they haven't done any. It looks terrible in here. I thought there'd be tinsel. No. I mean, there is during

Geoff Lloyd's Hometime Show. He insists on tinsel and objet d'art to litter the... But he does that all year, doesn't he? Yeah, but he has added a little bit of tinsel. But Geoff Lloyd's got a bigger rider than Black Sabbath. I mean, it's ridiculous. There's feather boas, there's dancing girls. And why not?

If you've got that power, wield it. That's what I say. Yeah. Well, what have we got this morning? My power has extended to an old toilet roll. But for some strange, inexplicable reason, it's always in the corner of the Absolute Radio studio. A lot of crying. A lot of crying.

A lot of crying goes on in this studio. Mopping up. It's funny you should say that, Pete Donaldson. Uh-oh, she's in the virgin tears. How convenient. No, because I have seen Frank a lot this week. Oh, right. And that's upset you?

No. You've made him ill. Oh, by the way, I have to do my housekeeping. I'm so sorry, Frank. If you're listening at home, you think he's got his pyjamas on. We know he wears a little... Pyjama top.

Oh, hold on. I must feel a bit sick. He wears a little pyjama top, Pete, but he doesn't wear bottoms. I mean, it's worse because I'm almost certain that... Because you said he's ill. I'm imagining he's doing his acid burps he was talking about last week.

I imagine him in bed, just with a pyjama top on, no bottom, doing a Cochrane gusher, as his grandad's... What? As his grandad's... What?

As one to call his babs. Absolutely alluring in an odd way. You can text the show this morning on 81215, or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Is that it, Daisy? Mm-hmm. Okay, there's an email thing as well, but I can't cope with that. It's too much.

Dub, dub, dub. Yeah, dub, dub, dub, thingy bob, Frank Skinner. So I saw Frank thrice this week. Nice. Firstly, I saw him at the Graham Norton show because he was filming the New Year's Eve special. Daisy and I went down. We sat in the audience.

I don't normally do that, if I'm totally honest. I like to go green room. Oh, really? Yeah. Did you make up your to go green room. Oh, really? Yeah. Did you make up your little lawn green room in the front? Well, I sort of did. In the front, we're just like colour partitions. I sort of did.

What turned out, I don't want to give any spoiler alerts away, but it turned out there were two people in the audience. You know how Graham goes around with his microphone? Yeah, I used to warm up that show. I used to do the stand-up before it. You never did. I so did. I so did.

Well, you're an old hand. Yeah. This show is so grim, not in show. It is. I've never attended myself. Well, you'll know what he does. He goes round with the microphone. He goes, and the lady here.

Yeah, that is exactly what he is offering. Sort of what he does, isn't it? And the gentleman here. Oh, look at you in your Ugg boots. That sort of stuff, you know. That's his thing thing isn't it he's brilliant at it though yeah he's very good at saying anyway um myself and daisy were there it turned out he was doing what i call a bit of business

with a couple behind us daisy and i ended up being the stars of the show but what we were doing unfortunately Frank pointed out to us later Frank saw all of this on the monitor he said I saw you we were like people at an England game sort of waving at themselves on the screen I've been thought walked past in the back of the news it was even worse than that

this is Emily Dean This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning. He's not well. Alan Cochran is also standing in, but he's watching the telly at the moment. Desmond Tudor's on the telly. There's a chap with him that's buttoned his jacket up wrong, and it's just distracting me. OK, this is good radio.

We can't just talk about what's on the telly for the next three hours. I'm just going to carry on. Professional-like. I was actually talking about when I went, when Daisy and I, Daisy, producer and I, went to see Frank on the Graham Norton show being recorded this week.

And one thing Frank did say, I think we did slightly embarrass him because we looked overwhelmed at seeing ourselves on camera. He said, you're seasoned professionals. But he was pleased that we... He called you seasoned professionals. I believe those were the words he used. He did also say, he gave us a very good review, though.

He said, you looked great, though. Nice. He was pleased at how we looked. Fabulous background artists. He thinks you're ambassadors of his, then. That's basically what he's saying, isn't it? But we sat, Daisy and I sat next to, I'm going to call them friends of Graham, Foggs.

And we were next to two Foggs. I thought that was a person, Graham Fogg. Friends of Graham Fogg. I know a Graham Fogg. Who's Graham Fogg? You know him, do you? I know a Graham Fogg. Apparently he had some friends out on Tuesday night.

He sounds like a Birmingham cricketer. So we were next to two Foggs, and we're chatting, and they explained that they were fogs. And I said, oh, actually, we're good friends of Frank's, fogs. And I said, yeah, we're friends of Frank's. I said, oh, we should swap friends for the night. He went, no, you're all right, thanks.

Well, that was a bit embarrassing. I mean, I just wanted to do an innocent friend swap. What, so you'd be friends with Graham Norton and they'd be friends with Frank? But you know what... Does Graham or Frank have any say in this? No. No!

No! Of course not! But, Al, you know who turned out to be a bit of a match made in heaven? Michael Bublé and Frank. Really? I've never seen two heterosexual males bond quite in that way. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? That's lovely. They're both gifted singers, so...

Yeah. Cockrell's a bit jealous, I reckon. I like Bublé's voice. I think I was mocked on this show for saying so, in fact. Now it's nice to hear that there's a full 360 turn taking place. Oh, Frank won't have a word... You can't get a sheet of paper between those two. He won't...

He won't have a word said against him now. We're in the green room, he goes, isn't Bublé lovely? Was he? Yeah, that's what he says. Strong arms. He didn't quite say that. But I also saw Frank this week at a screening of E.T.

Oh, yeah. A bit behind the curve. But I also saw Frank this week at a screening of E.T. Oh, yeah. I know you think, you know... A bit behind the curve. I've still not seen Kez, though, so for us all... I've never seen the third Star Wars film. Have you? OK, but this can't turn into I've never seen Star Wars. Frank, I think, would want to stab me in the face with a bi-ray.

However... What haven't you seen yet? Honestly, 8, 12, 15. No, it is not that texting. I like that as a texting. We should do loads of things that Frank wouldn't do as a texting. Like, what are your favourite sweets? Crack open the Perno. Someone get that Perno bottle open.

Have you ever seen a horse asleep? No baby pigeons around. Let's do that. No, but I went to a screening of E.T. and David Baddiel put this screening on with... Are you familiar with the work of the Guardian film critic, Pete Bradshaw? Google him.

I know his name. He's very posh. I knew it was posh because it was at the BFI and they were sitting on a stage and they had those long mics and two glasses of water on the stage. You know when you've got that? And you think they're going to use long words, aren't they? Have they accidentally booked this room for Frost Nixon?

And they did use long words. Oh, good. It was great, though. But they showed E.T. and I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I started crying halfway through and I basically didn't stop. Did you resemble E.T. at the end of it?

All the water from your body just left. I resemble John Sargent facially. It's who I think I resemble. Hmm. Yeah, we're going to come back to this because we have to pay the rent, even though Frank's not here. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

We're talking about crying on Absolute Radio. We're talking about crying on Absolute Radio this morning. Well, we're talking specifically about when I went to see E.T. with Frank, David Baddiel. What was it that made you cry? Everything about E.T. You sound like Kathy, Frank's partner,

was there and she's never seen E.T., which is a staggering achievement. I love her for this. She's never seen it. Text in what you haven't seen. 8, 12, 15. No, don't text in what you haven't seen. It's not that kind of party. OK. Kez, that's what I've brought to the party.

No, don't ruin... Skyfall. I've still not seen Skyfall. I nearly said, don't ruin my show. Oh, hello. Right, so you're crying all the way through E. Someone's jacket's on the bucket of beer. There's too many people talking at once. Crying all the way through E.T. Yes.

And Cathy turned around afterwards. Do you remember being that bad? It's not that it's bad, it's incredibly moving. Was it because the kid wasn't wearing a helmet? No. Yeah, it's a cycle safety thing. Yes, but I've worked out, it's taken me about quite a long time, I don't want to trip your wage,

but it's taken me a long time to work out why they all wear hoodies. Because of the stunt scenes on the bikes, because there were men, there were grown men doing it. Were the bikes bigger then? Daisy, the producer got... Spoiler alert. Yeah. I didn't think about that.

Well, it's funny you should say spoiler alert, because when David was doing the talk, this was awful, halfway through the talk, David said, well, there's a bit, I'm going to have to do my David Baddiel impression, it comes from, halfway through the talk, David said, well, there's a bit... I'm going to have to do my David Baddiel impression. It comes from a very good space, because I love him deeply. But he says, there's a bit later in the movie. Should I say it, or I don't want to...

And you suddenly heard this Birmingham voice around the BFI going, no, don't spoil it! It was Frank. Heckling. I didn't need to add that. It was either Frank or Adrian Gilesiles um he said don't spoil it oh it was awful oh he was right though don't spoil it don't spoil it sure it was for the fans of the film though no it's full of friends of david but we ended up kathy she said about et

she hadn't seen it before how weird seeing et sort of that late enough and she said um she said yeah she said, yeah, I mean, I liked it, but he does look like a turtle. And the effects were terrible. Passage of time, isn't it? She's right, though. Didn't they go back

and sort of, they replaced everyone's guns with walkie-talkies? That's absolutely correct. Is that right? They meddled. They meddled with it. And they changed stuff around in that.

And is that the one that you saw this week? Yes. The guns one? Well, the one sans guns, yeah. Really? Yeah. But it was funny because I got a tweet. Political correctness gone bad, innit?

That's a good phone-in. I got a tweet this week. I tweeted that I'd been to see E.T. and Richard Eaton tweeted me and said my younger brother fell asleep at the bit in which E.T. is lying in a stream and he woke at the end, he left the cinema screaming, E.T.'s dead, E.T.'s dead, which I absolutely love.

I did feel a bit of an idiot for crying, but I don't care, because that is one of those films that just, I'm just a gusher when I see that. It's not a surprise. Cocker gusher. My father-in-law's a gusher, yeah. Is he? Sits in a chair if he eats the wrong food. I can't imagine you crying at movies, Cockrell.

No, I cry at television more frequently. Oh, what telly then? And books. I've cried watching Neighbours years ago. As a bouncer. Was it when Mrs Mangle got that pin? No, I think it was... With a long neck.

Was it Toadfish? Am I right in thinking it was Toadfish? I think it was Toadie. I think there was some quite sad story about his parenting, his parentage. You cried at neighbours? Yeah, I cried at neighbours. I cried at Football Focus back in the day. You cried at Football Focus? Why? Someone dedicated a goal to a sick child and I went. I went. I'd gone. I'd properly gone.

I cry at the end of Labyrinth when Sarah's all alone by herself and then she thinks she's never going to see her Jim Henson creations again. Spoiler alert. So, spoiler alert. Frank's going to go mad at the spoiler alert. Then they turn up in her bedroom and then David Bowie appears as an owl and then goes away again. He's not making this up.

If you haven't seen it, Labyrinth is that film. It does sound like a made-up film, but... Drink water, Pete. Drink water. Pete's having his dreams again. Hold me. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean standing in for Frank Skinner

this morning. He's not with us. We miss you, Frank. Legend. Awful. Legend. Awful. Legend. He is a legend to me. Actually, in the spirit of trying to wreck the quality control that this show normally has, I have started my own individual texting with, what films haven't you seen or what haven't you seen?

We're not doing that texting. Yeah, we're not doing it. So smooth FM. But if we were doing it, Rob has texted, I haven't seen Yellowstone National Park. So there we go. If we were doing it, it wouldn't be started, but we're not doing it. So smooth FM. But if we were doing it, Rob has texted, I haven't seen Yellowstone National Park, so there we go. If we were doing it, it wouldn't be started, but we're not doing it. But we're not, and I don't wish to encourage it. Don't text at 12.15. Do not do that. No, do text.

Text, do not cost 50 people to see that. Text other stuff if you want. Yeah. We've also had a text from Nugget, who's a fairly frequent texter, saying, morning, Emily. Hi, Nugget. Well, Emily. Hi, Nugget. Well, you may not love him in a moment. Morning, Emily.

I imagine I may well be off the Christmas card list after this, but the jacket draped over the back of your chair is a bit Cliffordian donkey jacket, isn't it? He's referring to the... Is he referring to the Max Clifford jacket? I believe he is. The Max Clifford wore a jacket once during a press conference when he was coming out to defend one of his clients and uh do you know what you're not you're not wrong nugget maybe you could take a selfie later and show everybody the actual quality of the auction

maybe it is his i buy it in an auction no i got gifted it of course by a designer is that a euphemism for shoplifting? Yeah, they don't know yet. But I'm sure they'll think it went to a very good home. Absolute Radio does not condone theft. We should just make absolutely clear. I know, you just said contone. Contone, it's awful, isn't it?

It's a joke. It's a joke for your sins. Here's the question. Is it inappropriate to take a selfie with two other world leaders at the Mandela Memorial thing? That's the question. Is it inappropriate to take a selfie with two other world leaders at the Mandela Memorial thing? That's the question. Is that inappropriate? I mean, obviously, it's not something that comes up every day that you need to know in your etiquette vocabulary. But is it? Well, I don't know. If you hang around with me, this kind of thing does come up.

It does come up. Hailing a cab with Carolina Caroni this week, which I was telling you about earlier. Not technically a funeral, though, was it? Memorials. Apparently, one of the problems is that in the stadium where it was happening, the atmosphere was quite buoyant and joyful, and so people were a bit more relaxed than we would expect them to be over here.

But, at the same time, there is Obama's wife, who's... what's her name? Michelle. Michelle Obama was sat about three feet away looking pretty annoyed about the whole thing and I don't know if it was the inappropriateness or some papers have been saying oh it's because the Danish leader was a I wasn't any way yeah Henning when it's he Helle Thorning Schmidt.

Schmidt was very good. Was it? She's married to Neil Kinnock's son, I believe. That's right. That's one of the things that Cameron said as a zing when he was asked about it in Parliament. He said, when a member of the Kinnock family asked me to be in a picture, I feel I should oblige.

And I was thinking, she's an in-law, though. She's not really one of the kinnocks is she and i can't imagine that christmas party doesn't look like one set of jeans versus another set of jeans at the big family but it's pretty easy to see who are the kinnocks and who are the swedes in that one aren't they i have to say i love michelle's face do you know what that face said to me in the car wait till we get to the. You know when women do that in the car face? It said I'm at a funeral. What are the rules against staffies at funerals? Because I like to pay

my respects with fighting dogs. Staffies. Yeah, not selfies. I always take some staffies to a funeral. It's a memorial. I'll tell you what, you've got to love the northerners. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

We were talking about their selfies, the presidential selfie, although I have to say, out of all of them, it was Obama I was most disappointed in. Yeah, you expect that from kind of our leaders, but not, you know, the leader of the free world. Henning Wynne I expected it from, the Danish premier. Who I said was Swedish a minute ago. That shows my world knowledge, doesn't it?

That's all right. I've called her Henning Wen. Yeah, that's true. And to be honest, David Cameron, I'll tell you what I didn't like about him. You know at school when you got in trouble for an incident, there's the ringleader. That was clearly Henning. We should call her her real name.

This is incredibly rude. Is it Helle Thorning Schmidt? That's right, yeah. You sound like the wife of the Bodrock Empire. Husband? I'm going HTS. HTS was the ringleader. Yeah.

I would say Barack, he was led astray. Yeah, okay. But at least he had the confidence to immerse himself in it. Yeah, if you're going to be in it, be in it. David Cameron. You know what he reminded me of?

He was leaning in, enjoying the spoils of the rebels, but he wasn't quite in there. It was like when we bought a stink bomb at school. Oh, yeah. And we decided there were five, it was collective responsibility.

We decided before. We said, one buys it, one stamps on it. Right. Dispatches. It was in the school canteen. I say canteen. It was like we had fish knives. It was probably like eighth place serving.

We had fish knives in the canteen. Stink of logistics. Wow. And we decided there was one, and one sort of devised the getaway strategy. So I was the purchaser oh yeah throw money at the problem be the best join the army this is very i mean logistics no but that's similar to what david cameron did yeah i to be honest the takeaway message for me from

this story is that your school canteen had fish knives i've i've kind of really zoomed in on that fact like it's the bullseye and the rest of it's periphery. I'm not even thinking about the memorial concert anymore. I'm thinking, fish knives in a school canteen? How else do you eat fish? Anyway. In fingers form, like most canteens? With chips and mushy peas, perhaps?

We had golden water jugs, but I don't think they were real gold. Looking back on it, you think they were real gold. Jogs? Golden water jugs but i don't think they were real gold looking back on it golden water jugs yeah did you go to school in a medieval painting i've never seen drugs like that in the same way that you never see um those kind of see-through cups the see-through cups that teachers drink from you never see them anymore i've never seen kez or skyfall and we've actually had a text saying, I'm the same Alan, I cried when Todd died in Neighbours. God, did I get the mickey taken out of me by my mates? That's a slightly tidied up version of what was said. Daisy, the producer, just admitted she cried when Helen Daniels died.

And the Neighbours music went a bit slow as well. I hope nobody's got about seven years of Neighbours on their Sky Plus now, because we've just told them two different deaths. I'll tell you who's... I think someone's going to be sitting at home in a shorty pyjama top feeling very disappointed right now. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about the presidential selfie. Can I just say that whilst that song was playing, we had one of the most Emily Dean moments that ever happens. Oh, no, what happened? We were talking about the text that came in said, I'm the same, I cried when Todd died in Neighbours.

And then Daisy, the producer, turned out to be a huge fan of Neighbours in its heyday and told a story about how Todd came over to present Live and Kicking and you said you're his friend, you're friends with him No, I believe what I said was, what, Chris? Chris, is that his real name?

That is his name. Does he still have the ponytail? Did he have a ponytail? I don't know I haven't seen him much since he left Neighbours What do you think I am? Oh, they're dead to you once they're off telly. Of course they are. Sometimes dead to me when they're still on telly, but that's another story.

So, yeah, Obama. Right. Do we think... You don't want to talk about Madge dying in Neighbours. Emily, nothing wrong with Neighbours. I watch it religiously and cried when Madge died and Cody got shot. Tom from Otford.

Do people get shot in Neighbours? They do now,ly and cried when Madge died and Cody got shot. Tom from Otford, Kent. Do people get shot in Neighbours? They do now, yeah. They did a big gangster episode. It was different. That's when it officially jumped the shark. Bouncing in a drive-by. I don't like it when they have guns in Neighbours. I just think that's wrong.

I don't like it. It's like the siege in Brookside. I can bear that. Let's talk about when series jumped the shark. Frank would love that. So Obama, sorry. Can we get a coffee soon? He was sitting near Michelle, who looked unhappy.

She looked a lot like the doctor from the Michael Jackson case. You know, that sort of thing. Dr Conrad Murray. Yes, I'm familiar with his work. He looked really unhappy unhappy and she was making the same facial expression as he did throughout the trial i like to think she was looking at a different camera but one of obama's drones were just flying over taking a picture of her that's why she wasn't getting involved she was taking her own selfie she was really unhappy

obama's going to be sleeping in the oval room i think for the next two weeks have you know when they get that stubble i can always tell yeah oh dear alan just looking at you but when men have got about three day growth consider this a beard they're in terrible trouble aren't they he's gonna put two chairs together and put like a little kind of um smock over the top of it to make a little den for himself i think no but what i do think because i know from when i was younger and photos would be taken sometimes that you you know, unfortunate moments. Like when I was having a tantrum in the middle of Christmas dinner. And now, that's preserved.

Christmas, I think it was 1982. Every single photo of me, my face is just contorted. I'm just crying. I look so awful. Anyone would think I was a bad-tempered character. Wielding a fish knife around. I'll cut you. I'll cut you. I'll cut you all off.

That's a good autobiography title for me. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning on Absolute Radio. He's not well and we love you and we wish you much better, Frank. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio. I'm joined by the Cockerel this morning.

I'm also joined by Pete Donaldson. Hello. Morning. Hi there. Hi. How's it going? We have asked people to text in on 81215. We have.

And we have had a few that obviously got up a bit late and are texting saying, where's Frank? Aww. Not in a negative way. 647 has texted, first time I've heard the show live. Very nice. Is Frank's bit stripped in afterwards for the podcast? Which I like.

I like the idea that we give him a line and go to all that trouble and then put it on later. Excellent idea. He deserves it. He's the hardest working man in showbiz. on later. Excellent idea. He deserves it. He's the hardest working man in showbiz. He's one of them. Hi, Emily. Well, you said text.

Like the show When You Have The Rains, do you have plans for Christmas, Alex? People just trying to get dates from you. As I said, you can text in on 8.15 or you could text the producer who's got all my details. So she'll be in touch shortly. I had a lovely offer from north carolina the other day really yeah and you know sometimes you see their avatar and um oh it's quite nice i might head over there

okay see myself in north carolina does he listen to this show yeah you're discussing him now there can't be loads of north carolinians listening carians, I'm sure. Carolinos. OK. As you were. We also mentioned earlier that you cried at E.T., the film. I didn't just cry. I mean, it was embarrassing, frankly. Sobbed. But then Frank had a cold. This was the beginnings of his lurgy.

So he had the tissue. Right. So he could hide behind the tissue and pretend he was blowing his nose. Clever. And I said that I'd cried at Football Focus and Neighbours. We've had a text, I cried at Alan Shearer's testimonial. I'm supposed to be a triple hard Geordie Cop from Neil. That was pretty emotional.

Bobby Robson in the crowd. I think I said I cried, almost cried at Peter Beazley's testimonial because he did miss a penultimate. Did you? Not good. The referee made him reset it. Leslie's testimonial because he did miss a pen or not good didn't you but didn't you admit that you cried uh when someone there was a an incident with Mrs Mangle what was it there was a painting when that horrible painting turned up yeah not that familiar with the plot of neighbours so I must have missed that one it was Mrs Mangle but she had a really long neck she'd she'd she'd

ask for a portrait from somebody and they painted pay it it was helen daniels helen daniels painted this painted a picture of uh of her but she had a really long neck like a swan but helen daniels didn't seem like a malevolent character she seemed wrong in the show oh god it's awful in the show um you know what i think it's time for oh daisy i can't find the jingles we need to press it i can't go to email corner which i want to um without pressing email corner jingle yeah i'm gonna go for it now okay i'm doing it oh yeah there it is email corner our bus is still going on i did that as a joke and it's backfired. It's been harmonised. OK, Pete, do you want to kick off Email Corner?

Yes, I will. Hello, Frank, Emily and the Cockcrawler. Cockcrawler's been crowing about the latest phase in his acting career so much lately that I took to Ecosia to learn more about his latest project. We should just explain Ecosia is an internet search engine that avoids Google. Right, OK. It's off the map. Some of our readers prefer for some reason.

Yeah, some of the more discerning readers we have. Because they all work in computing. I was delighted to learn that he will be a passenger in the new Chris Addison vehicle, but less impressed with the reporting on respected comedy news website Shortall.

The article refers to the Cockrell's proper acting debut and states that his acting credits to date comprise playing the barman in one episode of Lee Mack's Not Going Out, completely ignoring his role as Jason the Asthmatic in A&E. That's true. That is true. That was his finest work. It's oft overlooked.

There are many things about this email that I like. You know you cried at Mrs Mangle. Yeah. You would have cried more at Jason the Asthmatic. I haven't even seen it and I know I probably cried. Are you cried at Mrs Mangle. Yeah. You would have cried more at Jason the Asthmatic. I haven't even seen it and I know I probably cried. Are you actually an asthmatic? No I was acting. Right. Because I am an actual asthmatic. We could have an asthmatic off. It was a bit like Dustin Hoffman and Lawrence Lively. Why don't you try acting darling? It was that moment. Alan's got so cancer he's turned into an actor. Why don't

you try acting darling? I just did heavy breathing. I did heavy breathing as if I was having an asthma attack and it convinced people. I agree. I think it's a shame that it's been overlooked, this. And it makes me feel a bit like George Clooney. I read a big interview with George Clooney recently. Hear me out. Extraordinary thing to say.

George Clooney the asthmatic. I'm just like George Clooney. I read a big interview with George Clooney the asthmatic I'm just like George Clooney I read a big interview with George Clooney the other day massive it was in a magazine I think Esquire

or something like that and not one mention of his role in ER right okay the irony being there that he would probably treat an asthmatic yeah

somebody having an asthma attack so I'm just like George Clooney and I did play I did play the barman in Lee Max Not Going Out but really I was there as a television warm up artist

and they just needed me to be in it he talks about that quite a lot yeah it's a big moment I love you know what

I love how Alan's becoming quite a lovey and he's becoming a little bit camp as well yeah sure you're camper than my hairdresser

who just sent me a text saying the Emily Dean show suits you, darling. Pete's still holding up the email as if he's not finished. There is a little bit left. Go on, go on. He's like Neville Chamberlain with his piece of paper. We all want to hear the rest of it. I imagine the Cockles management will get this sorted.

I think I've developed a bit of an obscure crush on the Cockle, having recently downloaded Alan Cochran's Funhouse and Laughed Like a Drain, which we do in a counterclockwise direction here in Australia. It's a very popular Radio 4 series. Why is that? So if the cockerel's ever in Adelaide, I'd love to take him out for a pie floater. I'll pay. John in Adelaide.

I'm curious about what a pie floater might be. That's horrible. You're curious? I love it. I'm actually disgusted. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter. I'm doing a lot of housekeeping this morning, aren't I? A lot of people are getting in touch as well.

We have a running text in about what makes you cry that you either do or don't expect. Someone's saying lots of people cry watching Bambi at the bit where the man stops drawing Bambi's mother. I think that's slightly protective of younger listeners there. Yes. That's kind, isn't it? I like the way that's been drafted. We've also had a text saying,

Emily Dean, where would listeners know her from? I think that's a reference to your namesake that works in a much different media forum. Yes, we should say, if you choose to... Oh, disgusting. If you choose to Ecosia me at any given opportunity, I might come up. Also, the person who might come up,

let's put it this way, you may not be wearing a lot on our top on our top half well as long as it's just the top half no it's the bottom half as well i didn't want to say on a commercial breakfast radio imagine imagine putting the image of a lady's bottom half anyway we're uh it's still an email corner i believe yes we are and uh here we have an email dear frank emily and alan i't believe... That Emily Dean is in something called Banga Babes. Pardon? How humiliating is that? Banga?

Yeah. As in... North Wales, yeah. Yeah, as in the place. No, not in that... We can tidy things up, can't we? I couldn't believe it the other day when I heard that someone else does the iddy-arming routine when dressing their children. This is the thing that we were talking about a few weeks ago.

When you get a baby to put their arm into a jumper, you say, Arm in, and they were saying, Iddy. So, Iddy, arm in. Right. Do you get it? I get it. It's a very niche radio texting and email in, which I like. Well, you see Iddy Armin texting this morning, but only related to getting dressed.

So, when you're getting them to put their arm in, I sing Lean on Me and get them to lean on me, which is a nice little moment in parenting. The Idi Amin thing, this emailer, Cole Fox from Working, has texted, emailed saying, that's exactly what I do. I bet no one else does this one. I have three boys and in the morning when we have to get out the door on the school run, we have this song to get shoes on and we all end up singing it. Difficult to explain in words, but I'll give it a go. To the tune of Chanson D'Amour by Manhattan Transfer. Oh, I love that song. I don up singing it. Difficult to explain in words, but I'll give it a go. To the tune of Chanson d'Amour by Manhattan Transfer.

Oh, I love that song. I don't know it. OK, I'm going to do it then. I've got the email here because I know this song. OK. Chanson d'Amour Rat-da-ra-da-ra Play encore

Each time I hear Rat-da-rat-da-da Shoes on, shoes on And out the door Oh, I see. Thank you. Very good. Daisy's clapping, but I don't know if Absolute now have to pay for something. Rat-da-rat-da-da

Well, can I just say, Sandy's always dancing. She's danced since you started. I got to see the full effect of that rudolph the red-nosed reindeer jumper and i think frank would have approved of that colfox continues the last bit doesn't quite fit and is a bit strained but we all sing it each morning and wonder why the neighbors avoid eye contact when in the street that's very good work very good work do you know what i'm gonna start singing that when i get dressed every morning. Nice. I'm going to sing Idi Amin as I eat my dinner.

Like, I pretend I'm eating my opponents. Yum, yum, yum. Going to, like you don't already. Da, da, da, da, da. A bit creepy. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. You're listening to Absolute Radio this morning. You can text us on 81215. Have we had any texts, Alan? I thought we'd had one of the criers. Oh, we've had various texts, yeah. From Tony in Doncaster, the last episode of Educating Yorkshire had me in floods of tears. Oh, that makes me cry. I cried not even watching that, I cried watching Gogglebox talking about that. That's how moving it was, and now I sort of have it on my little list of, oh, I must watch that, you know, along with Kez.

Yeah. I think it also made you cry, Broadchurch, but don't bother watching it, because Daisy the producer just revealed what happened. Yeah. Total spoiler alert in the studio. Um, Pete? Hmm? I'd like to know about your driving lessons.

Because, uh, you've been learning to drive recently, is this correct? I have, yeah, a little bit later in life than, uh, what you'd usually expect. Pete, please. How old are you? Are you allowed to ask that? Oh, let's not start going down that road. I'm asking Pete directly, just very directly. I might in turn ask

Emily against the end of Reservoir Dogs. No, it's not a turn-taking thing. Stop pointing that gun at my dad. Oh, let's not play that silly party game. The only reason I ask is that I was a late driver. I passed the age of 28. Right, I'm four years later than that.

Right, it's good to be a late driver. Oh, I was, how old was I? I was quite old for my area. I think I was about 21, 22. Right. But I like a celebrity learning to drive, it's my favourite. Because I've seen paparazzi photographs of Liam Gallagher with Siggy in hand and sort of primal scream blaring out,

and then he's got the L plates. Oh, that's adorable. I think celebrities, there comes a point when you shouldn't learn to drive. Yeah, just don't bother. Well, you can't. Yeah. You have to have a driver. Or they should only do it on closed sets,

like they should do it on the EastEnders set. Yes. They're not going to hit anyone. No one's going to see them do it. The celebrity equivalent of driving in a car park, isn't it? Just take me to a set where I can pretend that I'm properly driving. That's great. You can't have Slipknot with L-plates.

There are certain people who can't learn to drive. It's very hard for Slipknot to learn how to drive because they can't quite see through the hessian sacks that they have over their heads. And the drummer would stop every few seconds to have... He used to have a crow in a jar. What, a slipknot? And he used to inhale it to get all angry.

What I love about a slipknot... Who doesn't inhale a crow in a jar? That's how I get myself ready for this show every Saturday. Text them on 81215 to tell us what you love about a slipknot. What I love is the fact that they're about 53. This is what I love. That's why they wear those masks, because they're ancient. Nobody knows what they look like.

A Daft Punk could be the same. I know what they look like. OK. Grandad. Have you hung out with them? Do you know them? Yeah, probably. Is this another Todd from Neighbours?

Of course I do, but I don't want to talk about that. After they quit on live and kicking. Anyway, Pete, over to you in the automobile. Yeah, I'm not a gifted driver, I must admit. Are you not? The instructor, that's his name, isn't it?

The instructor, who insisted on calling the accelerator the gas. Oh, I hate that. I don't like him already. How does he say it? He's quite a timid man, but he's a nice chap.

He had to grab the wheel at one point because... He grabbed the wheel? He had to grab the wheel and move me out of the way of another car because i was um looking at a dog that's not right is it what was it bouncer from neighbors celebrity uh but later on um i wasn't in a car and um i almost got run over by a cyclist um and weirdly enough i knew the person on the bike and he sort of stopped and went pete you're not even looking the road when you step into the

road and i frequently don't but for at this point i was actually looking at my phone i was reading I knew the person on the bike. And he sort of stopped and went, Pete, do you not even look in the road when you step into the road? And I frequently don't. But at this point, I was actually looking at my phone. I was reading the rules of the road. Oh. So that nearly got me run over. In a crippling irony. I like that you're walking down the street and the person you bumped into, you knew.

Yeah. And you were made in Chelsea. But you just run in. Everyone you run into, you happen to know. He works here. He works here. I think he works here. I know him quite well. I think he was genuinely annoyed that I didn't, you know to know. He works here. He works here. I think he works here. I know him quite well.

I think he was genuinely annoyed that I didn't, you know, that I nearly killed him. It is annoying when people step out. I know. I'm terrible for it. Particularly with cyclists. As a fellow cyclist, I find that irritating, yeah. Shall I leave? Shall I leave, Alan?

I think we should play something. I should talk to you about your road etiquette. I've got a tip for you, though. If you want to pass your test, you know what I did? I greeted the examiner. I gave him an air kiss on both cheeks. Wow. It worked.

I passed. I drove on the kerb and I still passed. Might not work so well for Pete. That's all I'm saying. Lock up top. I'll do it. I don't know. He's got a crow in a jar.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. the travel hall pete ran round he pressed buttons he didn't run around he limped around i can tell you what he did you know like in those string problem you know like in those films when people type and they go we're in we're into the mainframe he was a bit like that hacker film and it's always like a really generic kind of operating system that nobody's ever used before he said something and then it said it flashed up access denied and an alarm went off damn it down to us you don't wish to know all that this is emily dean I'm standing in for the adorable Frank Skinner this morning, who sadly can't be with us. But we were talking about Pete Donaldson's driving lessons.

And we've had a text in with a top tip. Top tip for you learning to drive. I learned to drive at 50. About 100 lessons later, I passed first time. Very proud. Tempting to say bad drivers. First time passers, terrible drivers. Anyway.

How dare you. They are, though, aren't they? During the warm-up lesson, just before the test, a small herd of deer ran into the road in front of me, testing my emergency stop into the limit. Bent on it. Testing. Hey?

Oh, yes. Blitzen. After that, I felt I couldn't fail. Top tip there. Toby from Hayes. What, mash your car into a load of deer? No. What, mash the car into a lot of deer? No, don't mash the car into a lot of deer. Use the emergency stop practice.

Can I say, though, I really respect and admire Toby for learning a skill later in life. Yes. Always to be applauded. Well, I was 28. Well, I tried to do my theory test two weeks ago and failed. The theory test was... You never failed a theory.

No, I didn't fail a theory because I turned up without... What? I turned up without the requisite documents. I had the physical card. That is a fail. Oh, you're trying to get a green card or something. The requisite documents. This is like when athletes fail drugs tests because they forget. That's what this is.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Have we heard from the outside world at all, the Cochran? Oh, yeah, we have, definitely. Have we? What have they been texting us about? Slipknot, mainly.

Oh, Slipknot. The band. You know what? Some of our listenership are going to have to google i like to think it's what frank would have wanted oh no it isn't uh slipknot rock and their music helped me get through my gcses when i was at school also it's known as huffing the crow sylvia hustid is that like jumping the shark i think it it might be. Yeah, and you totally huffed the crow. Yeah. What I love about Slipknot, the fact they are so entertaining to see live and the fact that they purely don't care about anything they say or do. And they terrified one of the members from Muse,

so they stole a mask, apparently. That says Katie Brooks, 16, which I think is a very young listener of Slipknot, isn't it? Well, I was going to say, given that they are about 58. Are they? Yeah. I've told you that's why they wear those masks and also the comfy boiler suit. And I never realised that this was a text about Slipknot,

but someone has said, how many granddads do you know that can play the drums upside down? I just thought it was one of the questions that we get from our readers. Oh, you should have met one of my five grandfathers how about biola layer the bigamist yeah let's talk about him another time don't start me on grandfathers i'll trump you every time honey do they do they play the drums upside down they do they have like a rotatey sort of like the piano man billy joel i was talking to tom o'dell in the week and he said apparently Billy Joel has a little pedal on his keyboard, keyboard piano, that makes him rotate like a rotisserie chicken. How extraordinary.

Does that not just put him towards the back of the stage or is he actually going upside down? He's more in a kind of like a wheel of death. Like a gyroscope? Is he in the middle of a gyroscope whilst doing his... How does he get any purchase? I don't like... No wonder he needed an uptown girl.

It was downtown. Hey, I tell you who we need to talk about this morning. Oh, what about John Terry? Oh, it's awful. England's brave John Terry. I tell you what. Whenever I look at John Terry's face, I imagine saying the words,

Mum and Dad, I'd like you to meet. And then seeing their face. As he struggled to know which fish knife to use. Yes. We should explain, John Terry has been in the air. As he held it to their throat and said, who wants to know? He's been in the tabloids but been spotted in Poundland

doing his Christmas shopping. And many of the tabloids have picked up on the fact that he earns around £170,000 per week. And so they have claimed that he's stingy. And obviously, as a fellow person who is accused of stinginess often... A person of stinge, a person of fellow. He's now in the Stingy Brotherhood. I like that suddenly you're an oppressed minority. We are.

Me, JT. Who was the celebrity last week that was in the Stingy Brotherhood? I can't remember. I don't know, but it's possibly someone I've dated. I'll tell you about that. What's brilliant is with John Terry's past career, you know that him being in Poundland and being called Stingy is about the best story he could have hoped for in the tabloids. He's probably thinking great finally some positive press.

Absolute Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about John Terry on Absolute Radio this morning. Specifically, an impromptu appearance he made in... Is it Pound World, I believe? It's one of them. It's unlike me not to know one from the other. I think it's Pound World. He had his photo taken.

That, I think, is brilliant. The fact that he wasn't a bit bashful about the fact he was in there. Just went, yeah, yeah, I'll be in a picture. Maybe he didn't realise that it's going to go out and people will say, or maybe... JT in Pound World or Land or Stretcher or whatever it was. Maybe he thought it was Employee of the Month picture.

He's got forms stealing other people's glory, let's be honest. Who's there in his tractor? He had a badge on. Stolen badge, John. There might be some trophies to be won. I'm in. Yeah, I think the thing about John Terry is... Dad of the year, John Terry.

He's a bit verminous. No, I didn't say that. He's... I noticed, I know, Frank, you're listening at home. I do apologise because I know you don't like us quoting Daily Mail comments.

Frank thinks it's a bit route one to do that. And I've learnt everything I know from him. So, including my love for Slipknot. But someone did say on the Daily Mail comments, which I liked, he simply said, it was a man from Leicester, and he just said

John Terry is a good man. And that told me so much about that man from Leicester. It very much depends on your definition of good. Was it Gary Lineker? He's one of my favourite human beings. I think that's like saying bruno tonioli is an introvert i don't think you can say john terry is a good man he might be look we don't know him in fairness but the point is he was in pound world yeah we do know his kids

are getting like really bad knockoff supermen toys like flying man man man bat thanks dad you're the best oh i reckon poundland's gonna get like one of those like a letter from john terry two weeks later go i broke a pound stretch of barbel i brought one of your barbels i like the idea of man bat so what does he have does he have like a slightly lilac cape as well a bit absolute radio um also the wife can you imagine what's her name? Is it Terry? Terry, Terry. Terry, Terry, yeah.

Terry, Terry, what do you think she got? Opening on Christmas Day. Fairytale of New York. Oh, novelty shot glass. Oh, bag of fuses. Bag of fuses. Sweet. I tell you, you won't take kindly.

What have we got to do? Secret Santa at Chelsea. Imagine Jose. Plastic knife and four cutlery set. I am absolutely disgusted. Good impression, I think. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning. We miss him and we love you, Frank. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. We should say Frank's just got very bad sniffles. I don't want anyone to get alarmed

because people were tweeting me and were worried about him. One day I'll get to meet that man. Have you not met Frank? I've never seen him in the flesh. Oh, it's quite a sight. But I've been on him in short, long time. He's the tautness of the man. He's got the litheness.

I'd say he's almost Jagarian around the waist area. Daisy's nodding. Jagarian? What, like a jaguar? No, like Mick Jagger. Oh, I see. Well, I think he would be really good at dancing. Is he really good at dancing?

Well, we can ask him. We're talking about him like he no longer exists. I mean, he is coming back. Give him a text. Yeah. Have we heard from the coming back. Give him a text. Yeah. Have we heard from the outside world at all? We have. Andy, who's still in bed, has never seen The Exorcist.

He's a scaredy cat. Well, don't read that. I'm trying to get people to let me know what they've never seen. Try to reignite that text, then, that we gave up on a long time ago. Trying to make us do an I've never seen Star Wars type text to it. Frank would just never speak to me again and he'd be well

within his rights. I'm willfully attempting to derail the quality control of this show. Trying to sabotage things. Yeah. I think it's time to take a little wander

down into one of my favourite it's not a cul-de-sac it's one of my favourite streets. Email corner I thought I'd do it okay

the harmony I thought you would as well who wants to who wants to kick off the emails yes it's not kicking off no I was kicking off earlier

when Desi was trying to explain which email I had to read out and instead of putting up three on my hands I just flicked the V's and I didn't know why I did that you're one of the Winston Churchill flicked the Vs, and I didn't know why I did that. You're a bit Winston Churchill.

I'm a bit John Terry. Right. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, how I rejoiced at Frank's choice of late night snack, namely the cheesy mash butty. I firmly believe that there is no foodstuff known to man which cannot be made better by being enveloped in a blanket of bready goodness. I'm educating my young son, Alex, in the ways of the butty. Much to the horror of my wife, she grew up in a family where no bread was allowed on the dinner table, so grew up unaware of even the simple thrill of a chip butty. I suspect it's a northern versus southern thing.

No. Kind of bad, Sean. You think? I think that's child cruelty, to grow up not knowing the joy of a chip butty. I genuinely think that's like torture. Funny enough, I don't agree. Now, this is someone... What did I wrote in your family Christmas card to the cockerels this year?

Including the dog and the junior cockerels. Trying to have a low-carb New Year also. I did. Some might say that's not a thing to write to children. I think the children will probably be carved up. Even now, they're probably munching on a breadstick or something. I need to get over there fast. I'm like Nanny McCarb.

That's me. Nanny McCarb. I come over to stop children eating carbohydrates. I think that's very fine work in the field of carb control. My brother once had a pie sandwich. That's not a thing that needs extra carbs. That's a Scottish thing, isn't it? Pie sandwiches, possibly. I ate my first chip butty with uh frank actually okay we were in a restaurant i think you were

present daisy it was like a sort of fleshy shoe it was awful i was quite shocked at how awful it was the chips and bread in this sandwich that it tasted like a shoe i don't know but i'd never had that before i think it is a north south divideouth divide. It's a bit like Peter Kay. Garlic sandwich. Do you know what? There's a bit you neglected to mention. At the end of this email I've just seen, this character is called Sean.

Is he called Sean Pz or is it P.S.? That's a P.S. Okay. I have actually met Frank on one occasion when he hosted at the Bear Tavern. There is no excuse for his not remembering me as it was post-September 1986. Can I just say, I'm worried about the Bear Tavern. I think it might have been a period in his life when he was a bit, maybe a bit sexually confused. I'm just saying...

It's like the Blue Oyster Bar in Police Academy. The Bear Tavern doesn't sound the most heterosexual venue in the UK. Well, that's all right, then. There's nothing wrong. I'm just saying I didn't expect to see Frank pitching up there. I went for a bit of picnicking in the woods. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank's... Oh, I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered to do all that. I'll tell you what I want to talk about. It's this tongue twister. Have you heard about this tongue twister? Yeah, tongue twister. That's an overplay. Yeah, tongue twister.

Tongue twister, when I was at school, was like the early equivalent of the turkey twizzler. You'd have a tongue twister. People used to eat tongue, didn't they? People used to have tongue sandwiches. I don't know if they've gone. Oh, my mum would always serve that. They'd have a bit of jelly for off it.

My mum would always serve that while smoking. So we need to talk about this. It's the world's hardest tongue twister, and it was discovered by people at MIT. I love MIT people. They're so clever, aren't they? They're really good at maths. They're very good at admit.

For people who don't know, I'm sure you do, but it's the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. And isn't it one of the hardest schools in the world to get into or something? They're good at counting, like Joy Essex. Probably not great at human relationships, but that's OK. We've all got different skills in this world. It's where the maths students that learned to count cards in Blackjack went. They became famous.

There's a good book called, I think it's Bringing Down the House by Ben Meserach or something. And they genuinely became rich by counting cards. And they're all from MIT? Yeah. Wow. I think it's illegal, but it's done now.

It's not like I've exposed it. If there's anyone from MIT listening who wants to date me, I'd be interested. Right, just anyone? Yeah. Not the ones that aren't card counters, the ones that are not a problem. Just anyone who's at MIT.

I think that would be quite cool. Anyway, never mind my love life. They've been looking into the world's hardest tongue twister there. Apparently this is kind of like an academic discipline looking into this. And they've discovered it. Can one of you characters please read it out? Shall I have a crack first? Go on, have a crack.

Pad kid poured curd pulled cold. Yeah, but you said it so slowly. Any fool can do that. I thought I'd give them the actual words, the listenership. Pad kid poured, pulled cold. Yeah, and apparently if you say it ten times, it's hard. Anything is hard ten times. Frank Skinner is hard ten times.

If you say it 27 times, it's really bad radio. That's one of the rules in the absolute handbook, isn't it? Pad kid, poured curd, pulled cold. You know the problem with it as a tongue twister is that when you get it wrong, it doesn't lead to swearing or something that could be rude. Is that the point of a tongue twister? Should be, something like that, shouldn't it? Should get a bit bawdy.

I'll tell you what I hate about tongue twisters. Another good text on Absolute Radio, texted on 8.12.15. What do you hate about tongue twisters? I hate, it's like Peter Pepper picked a pipe of peckle and then it's she sells, she sells. I can't say it. It's easy for you to say. But why do they do such terrible jobs? They pick peppers and they pick up seashells from the beach.

Can't they have normal jobs, these people? That's not going to put food on my table. No, that's true. Picking a peck of five-pillow peckle. Paul the investment banker. Paul the investment banker. that was nearly a bad i think there's going to be swearing in this time twister i don't like it this is one of those i like papa's got a head like a ping pong ball is that james brown song it's a it's a warm-up that we actors do papa's got a head like a ping

pong ball papa's got a head like a ping pong ball papa's got a head like a ping pong ball like a ping like a ping pong ball papa's got a head like a ping pong ball papa's got a head like a ping pong ball like a ping like a ping pong ball absolutely no everybody i can't i can't get normal words right though i can't i can't say i notably can't say emergency i can say it in isolation but in a sentence i have a real problem with it oh well let's hope you don't have to say that in an emergency well i do i do the occasional voiceover and there's a lot of E&E kind of programmes and it's kind of like... I was in it. Alan the Asthmatic. But I'll do anything not to say emergency.

So I'll just be like, hot problem. Hot problem! Hot problem is a different thing from emergency. Can I say that sounds like a very different kind of emergency, which my namesake might be involved in. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

We've been talking about tongue twisters on Absolute Radio. Yeah, continuing the weird text-ins. Well, it was Slipknot earlier, wasn't it? We've moved from Slipknot to tongue twisters. 527 has texted, the thing I hate about tongue twisters is that the tongue doesn't actually twist at all during the process. Why do we have to put up with this?

Why do we have to put up with this? I like that. Steve has texted, re-tongue twister and jobs. You were saying that their jobs don't lead to food on the table, don't they? Well, I'm saying they lead to seashells on the table and some pickled peppers. Frankly, I want a bit more out of a date well in a very good point well made steve is saying retongue

twister and jobs surely being a pheasant plucker or a pheasant plucker son is a job that will put food on the table and there's no carbs in pheasant it might put food on the table it might also get us taken off air so can you tread immensely carefully it's, because it fits my remit for tongue twisters, that they should, if you do them fast enough, lead to swearing or something inappropriate. We're not going to try it, obviously. Why is the pheasant plucker allowing his son to do his job for him? If you were like a H.S.G.V. driver...

He's lazy, isn't he? Maybe it's like the fish markets where you hand on your job to the son. Don't say H on this show. I will not tolerate hate. Did you say H? I'm sorry. Did you? When I say H.

H. Please say H. H. Please say H. H. Thank you. I forget what I'm usually saying. It's okay, it's okay. Let's move on. It happened, it was unfortunate, and it won't happen again.

I feel confident. H. Yeah, she's saying you'll never work again, you know that. You know that's what she's saying there. I love Pete Donaldson, I don't have that. Have we had, we had some more texts. We did have another text. Good morning, Miss M, the cockerel and new young man, which I quite like. Oh, I like new young that. Have we had some more texts? We did have another text. Good morning,

Miss M, the cockerel and new young man, which I quite like. Oh, I like new young man. Have we had this one? I'm almost willing to overlook H-Gate.

Al was the warm-up guy when I went to see the Graham Norton show. I recognised him instantly as the barman from Not Going Out, Tabitha, in Essex.

Oh, was that your character's name? Extraordinary name, Tabitha. Yes. My reputation precedes me how exciting yeah you know i don't know if this says a lot about my ego but one of the favorite shows we ever did on this was where people started texting in where they'd seen me do stand-up and i felt like oh great and i've just got that same warm glow from that texting what does that tell you i'm needy i'm needier I realise. I think it tells us that you've ended up in the right profession.

Yeah. Somebody once tweeted that, just seeing Pete Donaldson from the Football Ramblers, the podcast they do about football, on Tottenham Court Road, Spearmint Rhinos, question mark. I wasn't going in Spearmint, I was just on Tottenham Court Road.

Maybe they were offering you sweets. Someone once tweeted me that, and I was going to work. But it was a slow week. On the subject of tongue twisters, I similarly, as we all know, have problems pronouncing certain words like desk hearts. No, your worst is cracked. Correct, I find very difficult to pronounce.

This is how Alan says correct. I mean, he could never have got a job on Mastermind. Correct. He says correct. I say correct, I just shorten it. I've got stuff to do. I mean, he could never have got a job on Mastermind. Correct. He says correct. I say correct. I just shorten it. I've got stuff to do. I'm going places, aren't I?

Busy man. Correct. The corrections. What about when Frank says albino? A friend of mine said, you know that sausage, is it chipotle or chipotle? Oh, yes. That's a tricky one, isn't it? Not really, no.

Isn't it? But these are words that, you know, they're not English, though. How do you say Chipotle? I would go for Chipotle. Chipotle? Chipotle. Is that right? That's none of the above.

You've invented your own pronunciation of it. Can I just say, this is one of the worst moments of radio we've ever done. I wouldn't say that. I think it's probably in the top three of today. We'll go to sound the Chipotle. If you want to hear some of the worst bits of radio we've ever done, listen to the best bits over the Christmas period. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean on Absolute Radio. Text us, please, on 81215. We've had a text. Have15. We've had a text. Have we? We've had a text?

What's going on? We've had more than one. But, hi, Frank's crew, what do you hate most about Christmas? Our Keith, Frank's very brother, has texted us. Oh, do you know, that's made my Christmas. That's nice, isn't it? Happy Christmas, our Keith. What I hate most about Christmas is not being able to spend it with you.

Wow. That's a biggie. I believe in going in big early. You know, you've basically just invited Keith to your Christmas. I can think of worse ways. I don't know. To spend Christmas. Thank you very much, Keith.

You know what I do hate about it is the fact that I'm not really very good at Christmas shopping. So I went in the other day. You do surprise me. What, something that involves spending money? I'm all right about the spending. It went in the other day. Oh, you do surprise me. What, something that involves spending money? I'm alright about the spending. It's just the actual activity. The going and doing it. Like the logistics. Pure logistics. Oh yeah, so it's just the logistics he doesn't like, Pete. It's nothing to do

with the credit card escalators. I know I'm often maligned as a John Terry figure, but I actually am quite... I throw it about me when it comes to it. You wouldn't have seen that side of me yet, but I promise you I do. No, and I hope I never do. What I don't like is the fact that I go in and I haven't got

a list and then I ended up having to send a group text to my family saying, look, I need some ideas. I went in literally listless and I just wandered about listlessly and came home. So send me some ideas. And then you speak to other people and they're like, oh, I've already done it all online in November and I hate those people. It's a bit like i've done my homework and you haven't i'm never friends with

those people i thought you might be one of those people are you those people no i just got someone to do it all for me oh right i've got my amazon prime account so you get one day delivery for free oh how do you lovely old job i'll tell you who's a fan of the Amazon. It's old... Tarzan. It's old Geoff Lloyd. Every time... Have you noticed this, Pete? Yeah. Every time I walk into Absolute Radio reception and get ignored by the security guard,

there is an Amazon package with Geoff Lloyd's name on it. Not only that, it says Geoff Lloyd Personal. Oh, really? Oh, well, that's going into an area I don't wish to touch on. He's a happily married man. I put the Stanley knife away. I usually just hack into people's postage. Yeah, we did get some texts.

Someone had spotted some Poundland merchandise. Yeah, we got some tweets of Poundland merchandise. There was, not Flying Man, I suggested Flying Man as possible. Yeah, Man Bat. Hooky knockoff of Superman. So now it's... Yeah, so there's, I think, Amazing Man on the Twitter.

Just check out Frank on the Radio, at Frank on the Radio, and you'll be able to see a couple of retweets. Okay, excellent. I liked one. Was there one called Spader Man? Yeah, James Spader. Yeah, I wondered if that was a doll of James Spader.

Boys, I have to talk to you about something. I've had a bit of a domestic mare this week. Oh, no. It happened on 11, 12, 13. 11, 12, 13. Well, this was a very significant... It was a three-day mare. This was meant to be a very significant day.

Oh, yeah. And for me, I would say it was significant because on 11, 12, 13, I was watching sewage flood into my living room. I'm not joking. When you sort of said that your house was flooded, I thought Christmas cards from celebrities, maybe? Well, when the sewage started to drip down,

I thought it might have been the work of the Sony judges. Oh, you mean real sewage? When you said I was watching sewage flooding into my living room, I just thought you'd left the telly on and daytime telly wasn't pleasing you. I thought I was watching the Comedy Awards. No. It turned out it was a plumbing issue. But of course, when I retold this story,

I don't think I did it very well. Because I was telling someone I work with, lovely chap from Salford, sort of the earth type. And I was telling him, and I said, this is how I said it to him. I said, my upstairs en suite flooded and it leaked all into my home cinema system that Jonathan Ross boughtoss bought me yeah that third bit of information i know that was extraneous that was that was too much he said yeah he said all the way through this detail that you

could easily screw now just say there's poo on me carpet saw it out yeah exactly he said to me looked at me with his northern honesty said you might want to rethink the way you tell that story yeah and you know what i found it strangely all, you might want to rethink the way you tell that story. Yeah. And do you know what? I found it strangely alluring. What you need to do is when you're retelling it, you have to say mucky water. That's the euphemism people like to hear in plumbing discussions. Oh, I'll bear that in mind.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Hey, can I tell you another thing that annoyed me about this sewage flood I had? Hey, please do. Are you laughing at me? Yeah. The insurers.

Well, when I rung them up, I'd insured my sofa. They'd conned me, I think. They'd conned me to take out insurance at the time. Yeah I told him, he said what's the source of the stain madam I said none of it, mind your own beeswax I said what part of your body you didn't say dirty water no I said it's my upstairs en suite

do you like the way I say en suite he said I'm afraid you're not covered for flood madam he said had it been a bottle of said had it been a bottle of wine i haven't been a bottle of wine i said so what you're saying is call up about yeah if i'd have been an alcoholic but we will not insure you for plumbing what would happen if you drank loads of wine and then wet yourself on the sofa well i was almost tempted to go and pour a bottle of wine over the sofa that's your next step, isn't it, obviously?

So just bear in mind. Take it a little while so that they don't suspect. Yeah, when taking out insurance, top tip, it helps if you have an alcohol problem. We've had one of our grumpy emails. You know, every now and again we get somebody that's so pedantic they feel that they've lost any sense of humour. Is it Frank Skinner? No.

We've got an email, it just begins, Oh dear, which I thought immediately was a bad sign. Oh dear, you know nothing. Nowhere near pensioners. In their 30s and 40s. Showing your age, are you? Is this about Slipknot? Is that your dad?

The email title is Slipknot. I like that people are still texting us. You know nothing. You know nothing of the Slipknot. Listen, I'm sorry, because I know what it's like when you're very obsessed by someone in the way that if someone were to say something about Mrs Mangle, I know Pete Donaldson would be upset.

I'd have to wind my neck in, which would also remind me of the picture I was upset about. Anyway, we'll move on. So I do apologise for that. We need to talk about the Queen's nuts. You know, it's come out during the Leveson inquiry. Do you like that I didn't

make any references? I didn't talk about the filming of the Graham Norton show? I did nothing. We left it. The Queen's Nuts. Alan, move on. She's apparently got balls of nuts out for guests and for privileged people to have a nibble on and she's worried that the police officers keep nibbling on her nuts

to the point where she put a line in the bowl to make sure that they weren't having too many of them. I love that. I really like that. I like the thing that she has Sharpies on her. The Queen Sharpie. Pass her my Sharpie. I like the idea. It's a bit like a student. Does she put ER on her? i can't believe it's not

butter with big exclamation marks like in a student oh i was going to enjoy those uh maggie maggie from the breakfast show's got a bowl of nuts on her um on her desk and um i caught one of the cleaners with his literal hand in a jar and it's rare you get to see his literal hand his literal hand in a literal jar it was like wow, wow. And he sort of looked at me. He sort of bristled a little bit, looked at me, I looked at him and he sort of looked down at his arm and followed his,

his eyes followed his arm down towards the nut jar. And then the next time I saw the jar, it had this sign saying, I was enjoying those nuts or something like that. I love the passive aggressive notes, but they're just aggressive.

There's no passivity about them. But I have to say i don't at first i thought oh this is a bit cockerel-esque isn't it oh it's not thing no because she painted a line around the bowl to check yeah there's more nuts that is so cockerel-esque she must own a small country that grows these things yeah exactly but then i did it the other day because when i was at the filming of graham norton with daisy producer i ate a sweet and it was a lime with a chocolate center i'd stolen from uh our mutual management offices uh alan cochran i don't think it's stolen i think it's theft by finding isn't yes you're right it's mine that's what i said when uh yeah the manager walked past this is mine i earned it anyway i was eating it and i could see daisy looking she

clocked the the lime the chocolate lime as if to say oh haven't offered me one sneaky yeah so i thought i'm gonna have to now so i opened the bag and i said i thought i'll make the effort i said do you want one like that i said do you want one and she went oh yeah you're not meant to say yes if someone hasn't offered in the first four seconds, they didn't want you to have it. Don't you think? I do, yeah. How many of these did you have in the bag? 300.

She loves them. Actually, that's incorrect. There are about 52. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've been talking about the Queen and how she's rather stingy. I hope when the police were stealing the nuts she jumped out of a cupboard where she was

peeping through and went, I knew I'd catch you! Cashew? Cashew? Tough crowd. Tough crowd. Well, you said catch you, didn't you? Cashew. Cashew. The problem with the pun is that you didn't use the right word. The pun doesn't work That's what I was very aware of as I was doing it

Well you've got to say cashew if you Also said Bombay mix was in there Yeah Bombay mix Probably got those left over from the days that we owned India But I think she should just add a bit of paprika How would you pronounce that? I don't know but is there some pun involved? Yeah she could jump out and say to the police,

I've caught you red-handed. How did you feel that went? That was better. That went better. At least it worked. Yeah. I awarded the comedy award to Alan Cochran. Unlike Catch You.

Catch You. Catch You. It's like that Simpsons, up and at them. You mean up and at them. No. Yeah, don't do that again, Cockrell. Text in from Uncle Leonard. Emily, I'm from MIT.

Men's Institute, Teddington. We will take you out. Regards, Uncle Leonard. Take you out? That sounds like a threat. Thank you, Uncle Leonard. Also, I just don't know if I could call a date Uncle Leonard. I think I might find it a bit creepy. It could.

I tell you what I don't like with foodstuffs is when someone offers you gum. I've never been offered gum and not thought someone was suggesting I had bad breath. Yeah. Ever. Yeah, it's like being bought deodorant in the secret centre at the office, isn't it?

Essentially, people are saying, you've stank all year. That's what's happening there, isn't it? Well, now may not be the time to tell you. Yeah. Exchange of gifts. Yes. We're not actually here for the next two weeks. Why have you gone silent?

Is this news to you? I thought Alan was going to say something. I'm obviously not going to be here for this, because I'm not part of the show. Daisy's giving me a piece of paper to read, and I'm attempting to make it sound off the cuff. But you can enjoy our best-of shows from 8 till 11am here on Absolute Radio. Now, we've got two best-ofs. We're having a little bit of time off. Makes us

sound like we're recovering from something or drying out. We're not. But we wish you all a very Merry Christmas. We'll miss you lots. And coming up, there's Mark Crossley. Be seeing you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live Mark Crossley. Be seeing you.