The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Neil Gaiman

Episode Date: June 15, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. They discuss Frank's bizarre week, Emily's L.A. meeting with Robert Pattinson and ...Neil Gaiman is in the studio talking about his new book and getting Frank a part in Doctor Who.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. You know those digits? Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. If you don't know it, Ecosia it. That's our favourite search engine on this show. Try Ecosia.

You could save the rainforest. Apparently that's good. All right, Sting, calm down, dear. Yeah, then you can play table tennis with those blokes with the big bottom lip. The only people who can play table tennis with their hands in their pockets. Have you used a curser this week? I never use anything else, no.

Oh, good. I haven't found anything, but... No. No, it seems to work perfectly well. And it's saving the rainforest. Whereas Google isn't even paying for lampposts in regional areas of Britain, apparently. OK. So, you know, this show is like, I think we're a bit of a rival for commode and...

Oh, yeah. Who's the other one he's with? Who's the one with the funny hair? Is that Mark? Simon Mayo. Mayo and commode. Thank you. It's a terrible combination, Mayo and commode.

But I go to see films about six weeks after they've come out and review them on this show. Right. I think that's good because there's a lot of people thinking, you know, I heard of the DVD presence. Right. And they're glad they're getting a heads show. Right. I think that's good because there's a lot of people thinking you know, ahead of the DVD presence. Right. And they're glad they're getting a heads up. Yeah. Anyway, I went to see Star Trek Into

Darkness this week. Oh, I'm glad it was the recent one. I thought you meant the 1964 one. I know you're late off the mark. And I'll tell you what I was thinking about. That's Benedict. Oh, I love him. Benedict, yeah. Cucumber. Benedict. I love it. Yeah. What did they call him last week? Somebody called him something like Julian. Oh, I love him. Benedict, yeah. Cucumber. Benedict. I love it. Yeah, what did they call him last week?

Somebody called him something like... Oh, Sebastian Cumberbatch. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, I won't go into the film, but I did start... I loved it, but there are many clichés in it. It's full of clichés. In a way you like. In a way I liked.

Can I just say, other pronunciations are available. Yeah. in a way you like can I just say other pronunciations are available but the one that really struck me was you know when you when you're chasing say a villain of some kind

or being chased, usually chasing a villain and he jumps onto an adjoining platform or maybe he might jump onto a passing helicopter when you jump do you find that you only just about make it and you end up hanging on and he gets a chance then to stamp on your hand yeah nearly always that's yeah that happened oh good oh did it and i always fancy my chances that

if i was on a platform and there was someone hanging on by their hands. I reckon I'd have them off in a trice. Yeah, you'd give it a right. But they have such a struggle with it. A lot of the baddies do a lot of grip training, don't they? I nearly said bogey then, on air. Can I say bogey? I think so. I'm trying to get a bogey off a side. You know when it goes onto the little finger?

People tune in and they'll just think it's a golf report. Yeah, when it goes to the second knuckle of the little finger and it just won't. It's a removal. We said you could say bogey. We didn't say you could say that. Sorry, everyone. Disgusting. Sorry, everyone. And also, the guy got... Captain Kirk

got... This is not a spoiler alert because this is quite early on in the film. He gets... He loses his ship. He doesn't lose it. I'm glad you said that. Carelessness. I thought you were about to say he'd gone mad and it was a terrible hit no no and they and he does that thing where you have a shot of him standing at one end of the bar and um getting drunk you know on his own oh yeah i know that

shot you know that like drowning his sorrows things have gone bad and he's doing that and there's an empty stool next to him and you're thinking is a beautiful woman going to say that and sure enough a beautiful woman don't tell what you said is this seat taken the thing is i used i often used to go not to drown my sorrows just since i liked it i would sit at one end of the bar on my own and get very, very drunk indeed. Nobody came within 20 feet of me. You had cars. You were in a central reservation. You didn't have seats there. But in the pub, people would go and get served.

There would be a queue at the other end of the bar and my end of the bar would be empty. No beautiful women ever sat on the stool next to me. If they had, I'd have pushed them straight off. Well, ipso facto, I suppose, I'd have pushed them straight off. Well, it's a factor, I suppose. I don't know what that means. It sounds like you're serving

divorce papers on me and I don't like it. Was that that Latin sitcom about the rag and bone myth? Yeah. What I meant was, if you would have pushed them off, maybe that's why nobody was sat next to you. Oh, well, people are so, you know, hoity-toity. They don't want to be, you know...

I'm more surprised that there's a bar that they're drinking in in a Star Trek film. Is that...? Well, the summer time takes place. Oh, is there? Oh, yeah, it's not all outer space. Oh, I didn't know that. I don't think I was aware of that. I thought they were just on galaxies, you know, flying. I'd like to know what...

Because, see, I find these clichés very reassuring in a film. Oh, I can't bear it, Frank. Hitman at a fair? Why is the hitman always... Carousels and fairs. I've never seen a hitman at a fair, and I've been to a good few fairs. You don't know that. You might have seen many a hitman and not recognised them.

I mean, they don't wear hitman T-shirts. But, oh, no, if I see one more person pulling a gun with the carousel music, I'll kill myself. That's right. Anyway, anyone's favourite film, clichés, text us in on 81215. There might be some goodies. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're right. We have, in fact, received a text message from the outside world about movie clichés. I don't know if you can say I'm right.

I asked if they'd do it. I never predicted that they would. Well, 010 has texted, Hi, Frankie boy. Yeah, OK, 010. 010. Oh, sorry. Hi, Frankie boy, exclamation mark.

Typical movie moment, car crashes, instant explosion. If that were real, the M25 would be much more fun. It's true, though. They go up pretty quick, don't they? Yeah. Yeah. They go up high as well. What about when they fall down the side of a cliff?

They go into a big roll and then they explode at the bottom or cars yeah you meant individuals like people and individuals do as well sometimes that's um spontaneous human combustion which i think i said i'd say i spent 41 percent of all my conversations at secondary school were about spontaneous human combustion. There was a book called Fire From Heaven and everybody read it and it was about people bursting into flames for no apparent reason. Oh, really?

Hang on, I'm just going to write that down. I like the sound of that. It puts you on edge. Glenn Bateman has tweeted us, the hero can be involved in a brutal fight without yelping once, but wince is like a child when a lady cleans his wounds.

Good point. That's a very good point that is true and i don't know about you but i never sort of put my arm put my arms around a friend and get get my mouth close to their ears when i'm talking to them and then my girlfriend walks and it looks like there's something going on between us and she walks off and you then say i can explain everything yeah i never I never do that. I keep my mouth away from the ears of people I'm not going out with. It's a good rule.

Otherwise, I know Mr Tong. He's off. He's out of control. I don't like it whenever there's a cop shop, as I call it. I'm familiar with the American ways. When they walk in, the first person they see, there's always a lady of the night and a cross-dresser. Yes.

I've noticed that. Don't they have anyone else in these police stations? You're quite right. Where's your basic identity fraudster? It's because if there's any visually interesting characters, they say, can you go on the front desk? And if there's people that come in and say, I've lost me dog, they say there's a back room.

Yeah. I think that's fair enough. That's dressing. I think they do that in English. Oh, do they? Yeah. They have very ugly people, I find. I don't know, last time I was in a British police station.

They have a sort of Elephant Man exhibition going on on the front thing. I mean, I think they are. And if an uglier person come in they'll say to that one you can come to the back room now this you've been superseded okay speaking of um the human body have we done on cliches for a minute no i'd like to return to them later oh yeah we can return to them all day okay by the way we've got a guest today the first, we've got a guest today. The first guest we've had on the show for two years, Daisy. More.

More than two years. Daisy just says that. No, there's not been guests since I've been on. You got the date of the last one? No, I thought not. It's all talk. Yes, Neil Gaiman is joining us today. What?

He's a friend of mine. And then Frank, kind of friend, stole him off me. Oh, I didn't really, friends. You tried. I worshipped at his altar, is what I did. And now he's coming in, I could steal him off you too. Yeah? It works like that.

But anyway, he'll be coming in. And sometimes they say to people, if you've got any questions for Neil Gaiman, text him in. I don't know if we should do that. We could do that. Frank, can I just say, sorry, Frank, 723 says horror movies,

women fall over when being chased and cars won't start even when they're brand new. No, and I'll tell you something, that thing about the car not starting is, I have dreams about that, about being chased and I can't start the car. And I can always start the car. Well, everyone can these days, except for Ed Byrne,

but that's another story. Yeah, let's go back a bit. And Stephen K. Amos, I think, couldn't. Then we go, see, we're reminiscing about guests of the past. OK, so, oh, yes, and I was confronted in quite a big way this week with the human body. More of this in a moment.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. By the way, we've established this morning that if someone says to you, it's like that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, you can punch them in the face before they complete the sentence. Morally. Morally. Morally, that's acceptable. Or Seinfeld. Really?

Yeah. That reminds me of that episode. Can you get him from that? Gordon. Gordon, when I'm out of reach. I don't know what that was going to be. It could have been... Deadwood.

Yeah, that would have been... I'm trying to think of those series that I see on the telly, on the Sky listings. On the Gogglebox, I like to say, like RK. No, but you know things you've never actually watched that you see on Sky listings? Oh, I've got loads of those. There's one, A Town

Called Something. Eureka, is it? A Town Called Eureka. I've never seen that, but I like the sound of it. I just worry, you know, if I see it, it'd be like speaking to Kate Moss. You'd probably think, oh, I saw her as a sort of distant angelic figure. Okay, so I was crossing Waterloo Bridge, crosses the Thames. Yeah. Oh, thanks for the chance.

I'm aware of a twerk. Central London. Not all our listeners are in London, can we remember that? Oh, thanks for the chance. I'm aware of a twerk. Central London. Not all our listeners are in London. Can we remember that? Oh, sorry about that. And I was with my... Sorry for your loss. I was with my...

I'm so sorry for your loss. That was what I heard Lisa... Liza Minnelli say at the beginning of a gig. We took ages thinking, what's she talking about? I'm so sorry for your loss. You're so shed and it turned out she was on about

the Queen Mother who died two months earlier she said I met her once she was so beautiful when did you meet her in 1904

anyway I love Liza Manley can I say that yes I'm not ashamed oh I'm team guest, I've met him. Anyway, that's another story. I went to their first anniversary party. You did?

I did. Worked my maw. You always have to Donald me, don't you? As Emily would say, that's another story. So, I was crossing Waterloo Bridge. I was with my girlfriend, Kath, and our baby, Baz. Not me. Domestic scene.

We had to stop because there was about a hundred, I would say, naked people on bicycles cycling over the bridge. I don't know if you were aware. It was a sort of a... Was it a protest of some kind? Well, I saw these naked people. I've never been so disgusted in my life. I was en route to get a blow-dry.

Oh, I've been much more disgusted than that. I was! That's terrible. They actually stopped there. That should be like an ambulance. I was going to get a blow-dry in London's glittering Covent Garden. You should be able to go into the opposite lane, like emergency vehicles.

The Olympic lane for blow-drys. Exactly. And I've never... I mean, I'm sorry, Frank. You know what it did make me think? Because there was a lot of them, weren't there? Yeah. The female body looks better, doesn't it?

I know it's a cliché, but... But the older it gets? No, in comparison to the male body, naked. Oh, right. Well, my girlfriend said to me... It looked like an old uncle chicken, those men. They'd all gone past. I was with my girlfriend, so I tried to look, you know, unimpressed.

And she said to me, she said, there's a lot of variety in the men, isn't there? I thought, how dare you ever say that? We left it there. Really, that was all? Did she say variety? Yeah, she said variety. Oh, I love that.

But one woman had underwear on. I remember thinking, whoa. To me, it seemed more exciting than the... I saw those men, and I'm not going to get into it. I just will say I realise I've been very fortunate in my intimate life. Let's leave it there. Okay, let's leave it there. Okay.

I realised I'd sort of broken even. I realised I'd sort of broken even but I'll tell you what worried me which to me didn't seem very responsible citizen is that a lot of them were on Boris bikes oh no oh my god

I feel sickened if you don't know if you're outside London Boris bikes are bikes that you hire by the hour or for the day or whatever and I'm worried now. It's put me off going on a Boris bike. What if you've had one of those? No, that's your pack of baby wipes with you

and you can give it a swab on the saddle. Well, no, I'd want a kettle of boiling water with me. Some of those guys. That's what you want, Dettol and a J-cloth, minimum. Some of them look like they were just back from NOM. Well, anyone. I just thought that wascloth, minimum. Some of them look like they were just back from Norm. Well, anyone. I just thought that was just wrong, surely. Oh, dear.

I mean, no. That's what I mean. But having said that, I had no problem with the actual bike ride, mainly because there was a man next to me with his family, and he went, weirdos. And I thought, that is the difference, isn't it? I don't want to be with this bloke. I'd rather be with the variety conversation.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, I want to know if they were naked, where did they keep their money for the Boris bikes? Very good point It is saddlebags They're not only filthy creeps, they're criminals

Inbuilt saddlebags No, I'll tell you what I did see, I saw a few of those arm, you know those arm things that runners wear sometimes Oh yeah But were they around their arm? Little purse, oh Oh Keith has texted in Ah, Keith, in case you're new to the show, he's my brother. Yeah.

And he says, hi, bro and crew. Carl's going over cliffs. Always a white jag in my days. He's right. He's talking about film cliches, of course. Yeah, I suppose that's because it shows up against the cliff side. The darkness of the cliff. Yeah.

And there's something great about the bonnet thing. Yes, I know the bonnet. With the jaguar, the silver jaguar. Something great about that hitting rock. I often get envy of film computer hackers because of how fast they can type. You know, when they're like... But you know...

And guess what they always say out? They always go, we're in. Yeah, they're in. We're in. That know when they're like... But you know what? I guess what they always say out, they always go, we're in. Yeah, they're in. We're in. That's all they ever say. That's it, we're in the CIA website or whatever it is. I think you'll find they're in the mainframe.

They're probably in the mainframe, which I've never been in. No. No, I've never been there. It's not a bad poem. I went out with a woman who could do 100 words a minute. Wow. Stop bo minute. Wow.

Stop boasting. Talking. No, no, she could type 100 words a minute. It was brilliant to watch. It was like close-up magic. And you thought, that's just going to be gibberish. And then it'd be like proper words, spaces, punctuation. The works.

273 cliches. The ventilation system in a building is a perfect hiding place. Yeah. The works. 273 cliches. The ventilation system in a building is a perfect hiding place. Yeah. No more things to look there. And they always lead to the room you're trying to get to as well. Yeah. That is true. Have you ever tried getting a grid off the front of a van?

It's a big job. Reaching above you and there's a grid that opens naturally. You just push it. Just give it a little push, and then it's off in a clean sweep. Movie cliché is the last second change of heart when cutting the red wire or the blue wire. Oh!

That's a good point. Yeah. I must have been. I'd probably do that as well. No, I don't think I would. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't ever think you'd be in that position. No, I would be delegating that task. We could all end end up we could all find an exploded bomb in our back garden well i could i could if i had a back garden and uh but i you know i there was a period of my life when i tried following um the samurai code i do i didn't remind me what what the basic principle is. Well, I went and saw a film called Ghost Dog, Way of the Samurai,

which was just like one of the best films I'd ever seen in my life. So I thought, and he lived by this book which Samurai Warriors used. Obviously, the bit about chopping heads off and that, I didn't do. But there's lots of other really helpful stuff, like you make every decision in the space of seven breaths, for example. And one of the things is they say that the sparrowhawk, when he goes into a cloud of sparrows, he picks one sparrow and he sticks with it.

He's going to have that sparrow, even if another one came and sat on his shoulder. That's this week's text in. Do sparrowhawks have shoulders? that's this week's text in do sparrowhawks have shoulders if they do I'd love to see their amdram versions of Treasure Island

why do they have a sparrow on there that'd be real tempting what sparrow would take that job anyway they pick their sparrow and no matter what happens if another one comes close if there's one injured they always go for that sparrow. And the idea is that samurais say that they talk about doing it in a fight,

but also just in life. That thing that you want, stick with it and don't get distracted. So if you're out on the pool tonight, remember that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So this is, if you saw the birthday honours today, you'll see that both Rowan Atkinson and Tony Robinson have got honours. I reckon the Queen's got drunk, put the telly on. For the first time since seeing Blackadder, and thought i love this um steve have you

got the honors can you bring the honors list and a biro and she's just tacked them on the end i mean why else would they add to the blue these rowan atkinson fair enough but yeah but why now why why now yeah why ever with rob. Why ever with Robbo? Could have easily been Ron Atkinson. He should have been a bit drunker. I'd love him turning up to the palace in his full-length leather. That would have been front page news, wouldn't it? It's usually front page news, the honours.

Yeah. So, yes, so I was telling you I'd seen the naked bike ride thing, which was, you know, quite a shocker. Indeed. I describe it as an eye-opener. Indeed. Someone said, what about the bloke who got off his bike and stood outside a pub with a beer? I think they'd set the bike too high.

Sorry, got outside the pub. I only just got the eye-opener joke. That'll be good. With regards to the naked bike ride, what about the bloke who got off his bike and stood outside a pub with a beer? Surely that's pushing it. But what was it about the naked bike ride?

I don't know. Can you text in if you know... Freedom. Freedom. Freedom to... It's about freedom. All right, George Michael, calm down, dear. It's about freedom in its many forms.

George Michael didn't go on it. He can't be trusted even on two wheels. No. Imagine if you'd have seen George Michael on a go on it. He can't be trusted even on two wheels. No. Imagine if you'd have seen George Michael on the bike. Yeah. That would have been, or just in a car, ploughing through the... Excuse me! Excuse me! Oh, there's George. You've killed eight people. Mr. Leupold saying, it's going to be tricky this time, George.

It's going to be a fine. It's going to be a fine. It's going to be a big fine. So, anyway, so I saw this on the Sunday. On the Monday, I'm back on Waterloo Bridge. I'm crossing Waterloo Bridge. Open for lunch.

Encore. Yeah, waiting. Like Greyfriars Bobby. Yeah, exactly. With a faraway look in my eye. Where are they? Is that sort of... Oh, no, it's a pink sweatsuit.

So, there's a load of people standing on one side of the bridge looking over the edge. Oh. And I thought, oh, what's... Oh, there's a river below it. Yeah, I'm aware of the fact the bridge is over the Thames. Yeah, but not all our listeners are from London. OK.

So I went across to see what was going on. And then before I'd even got across, something, well, something quite shocking happened. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin happened. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So as I crossed the road towards this, lots of people were pointing at the water and it all, they didn't look like it was fun, they looked distressed.

Because I thought it couldn't still be the Michael Jackson, his story statue going up the Thames. Not now. No. Anyway, just as I crossed the road, there's a woman standing there and the wind took her dress high, high.

Not only did I see her, but I saw the waistband of her pants. Actually saw a waistband? Waistband and the beginning of her spinal cord. I mean, completely high. She had binoculars! I was crossing the road and she was standing looking over the bridge.

The whole thing. Now, I... In my life, I have only seen that happen three times. And I've been alive a long time. And I live in a quite windy country. Right. I was with you on one of these occasions. Were you, really? Well, you tell me who the dramatist person I were

and I'll tell you on which occasion I was with you. Oh, well, the only ones I remember... It was in Edinburgh when I saw it. That was only out... Yes. Yeah. One in Edinburgh and another one on Waterloo Bridge. I just walk up and down there ever since, again. So, it made me think, well, if this man perishes,

his life has not been wasted in vain. Because at least I've seen this. This is the man who jumped off. As it was, I saw him, he was in a ship. He didn't actually look, he looked all right. Well, he jumped off the bridge. He jumped off the bridge. The police had gone and got him. And he was sort of having a chat. All right. Well, he jumped off the bridge. He jumped off the bridge. The police had gone and got him, and he was sort of

having a chat. All right. Did they have the sort of like, you've finished the marathon crinkly blanket round his shoulders, you know, that sort of silver foil blanket they popped out on him? There was a blanket, but it was more, is there any news about the Titanic? We don't sure.

But I knew, all I'll remember is the pants from that incident, even though a man nearly lost his life. Yeah. All I'll remember is the pants. That's got to be a footballer's autobiography. Yeah. I think that could be Mike Baldwin's autobiography.

But I have more to say about this because it's complicated. There might be women at home thinking, oh, you filthy creep, but it's more complicated. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm this

morning with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us at 81215, 8-12-15, or follow us on the Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email us through the Absolute Radio website. We are available for communication. We are. In the interest of professional conduct at the top of the hour, we should just remind

them what plates we have spinning. We've been discussing movie clichés. Oh, I love it! Our favourite movie clichés. What's your favourite one so far? Well, Stuart Kidd has just come up with one. He says the cleverly placed boxes, barrels or parked car that poorly

hides the ramp that helps the car crash look good. Oh, yeah. He says the cleverly placed boxes, barrels or parked car that poorly hides the ramp that helps the car crash look good. Oh, is that what they Is that why they have those boxes of fruit and stuff that they go into? Yeah. And there's always Chinese people running out the way. You can be chasing someone in Reykjavik and you'll almost certainly crash into the

market stall of some Chinese people. And there'll be cabbages akimbo. Oh, cabbages everywhere. Cabbages akimbo. Oh, cabbages everywhere. Cabbages akimbo, actually, is the new stage show I'm doing. It's a modern dance thing. Come along. I tell you, you know what I also hate? You know when they hit to show that the heroine or something is a bit sad and lonely?

You have no new messages. Oh, I can't bear that. Do they do that? Yeah, they always do that. I haven't seen that. People don't that? Yeah, they always do that. I haven't seen that. People don't listen to the answer machine now. Also... Facebook and Twitter don't go to the answer machine.

That thing about the ugly women in film are always beautiful women with glasses on and their hair up. Oh, I like that. It's like Plain Jane on Neighbours. Yeah. But they're never... Plain Jane's super great. Yeah.

Yeah, she was stunning. Yeah. It was a properly exciting big reveal. Pretty as girl in earrings, Brad. I think that's... She was beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, she was stunning. Yeah. It was a properly exciting big reveal. Pretty askew in earrings, Brad. I think that's... She was amazing. That, to me, is like white people blacking up to get parts. What?

There's ugly women thinking, that should be my job. And, in fact, what they've done is they've got a beautiful woman to basically ugly up. Yes. That's not fair. By the way, Tony Blair has denied... What is this? He had an affair with Wendy. What are you doing this hour?

I'm just making it clear that Tony Blair has denied that he had an affair with Wendy Deng. Don't talk about it. He's denied it. I know. It's off the agenda. Yeah. It wasn't on the agenda until you mentioned it.

Can I just deny it as well? I don't think you lie. I'd like to deny that I've had an affair with Wendy Deng too Anybody else? I'd like to deny that I had an affair with Sir Tony Robinson Oh, okay Well, if you'd had to have been quick, he's only up this morning It'd have been Tony Robinson

And you've been working I don't think he's a blire Do you remember they used to do that? They used to do that protest where they used to spell his name, blire. I think they still do on the Daily Mail comments. People are always mentioning blire. Oh, no. Yeah, they need to get over themselves.

I didn't think it was that good. Oh, it's terrible. It's not amazing, is it? Yeah. Anyway, I'm just thinking that in the Blair household today, every time the microwave goes off, ding, there's a terrible cold atmosphere across the whole thing. So, this woman's skirt blew up when I saw her whole pants.

That's another play that we've got spinning, is pants that Frank has seen through the years. I like her whole pants. She's seven years old. I won't tolerate sexism in any of its manifestations, but you can't help finding that thrilling in some way because it seems like it's an act of God. That's what I put on the insurance for.

Did I tell you I had a heart attack when I saw it? I'd love an AOG, as long as it wasn't AIG on that one. So bear in mind, this is a week where I've already seen a lot of people go, naked people go past on bikes, and then suddenly I've seen a woman's whole pants. Wow. And then, and then the next day, and I swear to you, this is true in every...

The Covent and then. How did you do anything this week? In every detail. Well, I'm just on my way places when this happens. I'm walking down Maiden Lane, of all places, in Covent Garden in London, and there's a woman. I see a woman Maiden Lane, of all places, in Covent Garden in London. And there's a woman, I see a woman standing in the middle of the street.

She must have been six feet tall. She looked unbelievable. I thought, obviously, a model. She got like a vest top. I think it was spaghetti straps. And a mini, black mini skirt. But she looked, I mean, she looked like a beautiful model.

Tall, as you'd expect it. So I thought, what a week I've had. I don't think it can get any more exciting than the week I've had. At which point she took her skirt off. No. Yeah. I was going to say shut the front door, but I'm not now. No.

And, oh,'m not now. No. And, um... Oh, I couldn't. I thought you were right about the one of my long johns. No, but she was being photographed, as it turned out. It was like an underwear shoot in the middle of the street, right next to... Obviously, I couldn't stop and linger, because when you're a celebrity, you can't.

You'll be photographed looking, and that's your career ruined. That's why I've kept it to myself. But what a week. Some naked bike ride, woman's whole pants, and then another woman's whole pants, no skirt at all. You know, I don't even remember talking to that genie. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What a remarkable week it was. Did I tell you that this woman was outside the Catholic Church in Maiden Lane? That's what worried me. Well, the woman with her whole pants, I this is the woman who's yeah who took her skirt oh yeah the skirt i mean why would she be outside was it a photo shoot that was making some sort of you know was it a point was it maybe it's just a nice backdrop yeah but i'm i hope it's not some sort of salacious reference to the uh you don't remember salacious reference i I think it was Jack Black, wasn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, so that happened. I have to say, this is a detail. Just after I got past this woman who took her skirt off, I had to rewind my audio book. I realised I hadn't been focused.

Yeah. So then, I got off the... No. I got off Embankment Tube the next day. I'm not making... Honestly, I'm not making a second... I love that you get the tube. I'm not making a word of this.

I don't lie on this show. Yeah, we know. Scalion. Scalioner. If I'd been Prime Minister, that's what they'd been. Scalioner. OK, next week, more in a series of If I'd Been Prime Minister.

So, there's a girl handing out leaflets. Quite an attractive woman handing out leaflets. And I noticed that some people, she was completely not giving the leaflets to. I was going to say completely naked. She just took the skirt off. No, she was completely... This is a slightly this is a naked women this is a spin-off so um so she i thought oh she's oh she's different she's definitely not she's not giving them a leaflet she's giving that but

i thought that she's a bit selective i wonder if i'll get a leaflet suddenly getting a leaf you know usually you think oh give me a leaflet i'm thinking oh no i wonder if I'll get a leaflet. Suddenly getting a leaflet. You know, usually you think, oh, give me a leaflet. I'm thinking, oh, no, I wonder if I'll get one. Am I in the leaflet club? So she gave me a leaflet. I got a leaflet. And I thought, yes, yes, thank you very much. I've got me leaflet.

It's an organisation. This is what it says on it. Are you tired of being alone without a beautiful young woman at your side? I mean, I was just walking. I hope you stuffed it back in your pocket and turned back and told her what a week you'd had. We can provide you with that perfect partner and it's a very affordable price.

What, for the hour? I'm sorry. Are they talking about for the hour? I don't know. I mean, honestly, for those of you who cannot travel to Prague, we... What? Hold on!

Prague can come to you. Where did that come from? We have designed a programme via which you can still meet the lady of your dreams. I don't like the sound of the programme. Sky's the programme. What do you mean? I've used it.

What, flight? Flight is the programme. Sky's the programme. What do you mean? I've used it. What, flight? Flight is the programme. Fairies. It says our programmes are designed for single men looking for a true life partner who is beautiful 10 to 40 years younger. 40 years younger? Hmm. Intelligent, educated,

and whose culture is one of support and respect for their partner. Now, why me? Why did I get this? That wasn't a rhetorical question. That's the texting. I have to say the switchboard has blown up on that question. It's gone crazy. Most beautiful ladies, the texting. I have to say the switchboard has blown up on that question. It's gone crazy. Most beautiful ladies, the organisation.

So you go to Prague, but they're only in Prague. Well, they'll travel. Oh, will they? We'll drive south. Exactly. Is it most beautiful ladies then with an asterisk just in the top corner? The definitions of most may differ. I don't know if they've got an asterisk in the top corner. A lot of the pictures are pixelated.

But it says at the end, my one get-out clause, P.S., if you're in a successful relationship or married, successful relationship or married, you know, please pass this leaflet on to a single friend. So, um,

I'm going to do that. I'm just trying to think. Yeah, I know. I know exactly who. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've just heard from the outside world Richard Broderick says, Frank, I also

received this leaflet. Oh. What annoyed me most was the girl handing it out made a beeline and walked through about six people to get Oh. Yeah, I know. Top show, Richard. Well, it sounds like me and Richard have basically done the same thing. We thought we'd been insulted, but maybe we can get jokes out of this in front of our colleagues. Is he not saying he's filing it away into his drawer just in case? Is that not what he's

implying? I'm leaving it here in the studio because there's quite a lot of single men absolutely who I think would be glad of it. It's like a civil, a public service that you're offering. Yeah. Well I think, you know, pass it on. That's what I've always thought.

That's the email corner jingle. Which means that we have, we go to emails that you've sent in. Emily's gone. She she's properly on you say she's really i think you're uh you're harmonizing to the email corner jingle has sent her um it's difficult having to come with a different harmony a few weeks i mean i'm reaching i'll be honest you might notice i'm reaching the bottom of the barrel i like it because it reminds me of

how you probably were in france on your holiday which I like it because it reminds me of how you probably were in France on your holiday, which we discussed last week. It reminds me of how I was in the 80s all the time. And that's why the beautiful woman never sat next to me on the barstool. Yeah. Could have done with some leaflets there. Oh, beautiful women. Who needs one?

Extraordinary segue. Shut up. So, I met two... Oh, I'll tell you after. You said you met two beautiful women. I met two beautiful women this week, but they were like exotic cats. Where did you meet them?

It was in an exclusive private club. Oh, God. You are disgusting. No, not one of those. It was Stagdew. You have a child and a beautiful partner. This was a work meeting in one of those. In a men's club. I never said it was a men's club.

But it was. It was not. I'll tell you where it was after, but perhaps I shouldn't name it. But it's one of those. I will. Sophisticats. It's a trendy. It was a trendy media type club place.

Oh, Stringfellows. And these were women from the planet posh. Who, anyway. Okay. So posh, and we couldn't really communicate. Well, you managed with me. You're a different, you're arts and crafts. I am, actually, darling.

Never forget that. Anyway, we're in different... You're arts and crafts. I am, actually, darling. Never forget that. Anyway, we're in email corner. OK, email corner. I have an email here regarding your trip to France. I thought you were going to sing, I have a dream... Maybe next time. OK.

Bonjour, Frank, Alan and Emily. Although I've never been to the town of Castlemoron in the Bergerac region of France, I may have an idea as to why you heard a siren sound whilst you were sitting outside the café. I think that sums up, for those of you who don't know this, that's exactly what happened to me. Midday, and this... Really loud, really loud. It was as loud as it could get, that's really funny.

In a beautiful little French sort of, almost a village. Well, he continues, if I remember correctly, any city or town will at midday on the first Wednesday of the month test the siren, brackets located in the town square, close brackets, that would normally be sounded as a warning of an imminent invasion. If we were ever tempted to invade France again... What? It's 2013.

If we were ever tempted to invade France again, I'd suggest's 2013. If we were ever tempted to invade France again, I'd suggest we could surprise them just before lunchtime on the first Wednesday of the month from Mark. But before we move into this, it's just struck me that describing Castle Moran as almost a village... Almost a village could be... You know those outsized men's shops? That could be like a size.

Oh, yeah. Extra large, extra, extra large, extra, extra, extra large, almost a village. That could be on the label. Although if they adopted that, the villagers themselves would have to be really enormous gentlemen, wouldn't they? Because you get almost a village

and then like an actual villager. They'd be huge specimens, wouldn't they? No. Wouldn't they? No. Wouldn't they? No, because this would be a man who was as big as a village. The village residents don't need to be big. No, but I mean the villagers, the band, would have to be enormous people.

The villagers? You two are having a weird conversation. What are you talking about? This is one of those things where I feel I've turned over two pages in the script. I'm just Googling about makeup. Anyway, the alarm. Hold on. The alarm.

I'm not playing them next. Oh, they were Welsh. So, yes, the work sites, they actually anticipate invasion still in the south of France. So it would appear. Bizarre. Can you hear scratching? Daisy, what are you doing? So, yes, when I was a child, there used to be work sirens that used to go off for lunchtime.

Oh, yeah. And finishing time at the local factory. So they punctuated our day. Mm. And that doesn't happen any more. No, I don't think it does. See, the other sort of workers, and all that would be lunchtime.

Yeah. And then you get into the Anderson shelter. Well, that's not... We also had a dog. Actually, this wasn't where I lived. I went out with a woman and near where she lived. Sometimes I stayed over. I know.

Legend. And, er... LAUGHTER And there was a dog by her that used to bark the beginning of the American National Anthem. No. I used to hear it bark in the night. It used to go...

Oh, no, it didn't in the last note. It used to go... And then there'd be a... And I had to complete it every time. Not the whole. Not the whole. Yeah, amazing. I'm just on about things from my youth now.

I'll be talking about the pig bag in a minute. Yeah, I don't want to know about the pig bag. Although it sounds protein-based, which is always good in my book. No, the pig bag, I'm going to tell you, used to hang on the school gates by where we lived. And people would put, you know, peelings and bits of old food. Yes, we had that at my school. Did you? No, funnily enough, we didn't.

Ah, OK. I honestly thought you did. Yes, and then the man who, I don't know, we never saw it, early in the morning, a man would come and take it to the pigs to eat. Great. Which pigs? I don't know, actually. Which pigs? The pigs.

Like, everyone has pigs attached. The community pigs. They had community pigs there. No, I don't know where there were pigs in Smethwick. Are you sure they took them to the pigs? Well, maybe they ate them. Maybe they came and ate them. Maybe it was a room by the local...

Like Peter the Wise just chomping on apples and onions. Do you think the local homeless were scamming us for giving them free peelings? If they'd have just asked, I would have given them peelings. Have we got time for email, too? You know what? I've got an important business to do. OK, but I'll just trail it to say it starts, Dear Fank, Emily and Alan.

Fank? Yes. OK. What do you make of that? Well, I think we'll discuss it. This is what's called... Come back to it. The three R's.

They've been neglected at school. There's an example of one of them going down the toilet. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were just in email corner and I think we'd actually begun one.

We had. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, as an expat I am sometimes behind on the latest topics upon hearing frank's hatred of waste cutting up ketchup bottles for example i thought he might be interested in an implement that we have here in holland as far as i know no other country makes use of such a thing that is dedicated to eradicate waste uh and he's he's put a link to the Wikipedia bottle scraper. It's either the desire to avoid unnecessary waste or the extreme frugality, read tightness, of the Dutch that has led to the widespread use of this implement.

It is, in my opinion, a little extreme to say the least. Its full title is A Fleschen Licker, literally translated as bottle liquor. Almond livers. And it liquor. I'm in my verse. And it's widely available here in the Netherlands. Delivery of the item can be arranged if so desired. All the best, Paul in Amsterdam. Now, I've looked at it, and it's like...

Hold on, if you think I'm writing to Amsterdam for a fleshenliker... LAUGHTER This is a set-up, isn't it? You're not going to make that mistake again, are you? LAUGHTER This is a set-up, isn't it? You're not going to make that mistake again, are you? So it scrapes, it scrapes the... It's like a little sort of movable scraper that's on the end of a long... A stick?

A long sort of stick. A bit like, you know, if you were to buy bubbles, you know those bubbles that you would blow? Oh, you'd buy them regularly? Yeah. You know, if you were to buy bubbles, you know those bubbles that you would glow? Oh, God, I eat by them regularly. Yeah, if you were to replace the end loop with a scraper for tomato sauce or mayonnaise or whatever condiment. See, I think I could get a lot of use out of that. Yeah, I think we all would, but I'm surprised that it's only the Dutch that are using it. Well, when I say I buy those bubbles regularly...

Well, don't we all love? I do, because I find they don't last. What, the bubbles? Yeah. What are you using them for? I blow them to entertain my child and then they're gone in seconds. Yeah. What am I doing wrong?

It's a brilliant business model, isn't it? It is. Built-in obsolescence, that's what bubbles have got. That's what started Apple off, isn't it? 565, morning FS and crew. I like FS. During the war, I remember there were pig bins for waste food. That's Cheryl and Kettering.

Good old Cheryl. Was there anyone called Cheryl who has arrived during the war? Evidently. She must have seen it in a documentary. Pig Bin Heaven. Wasn't there a Pig Bin Heaven night on BBC4? Yeah, well, that's it. I was obviously...

They stayed in Smedwick and Albury. Yeah, and they probably just thought, well, if it's not broken... But now, in the age of recycling... Yeah, we should have pig bins. Yeah, more for it. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin it. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Boys, I need

to talk to you about something. I've been on my travels this week. Oh, we're here. We're here at last. I popped over to my spiritual home. I went to Beverly Hills. Wow. Oh, I love it, it frank i didn't really leave beverly hills i didn't go anywhere else and i was a guest of dior and they treat you well there's no

scrimping on the luxury front there were cars taking me around i used to i kept saying charge it to the dior account wow that's what i said wow i tried that in tesco last night didn't work very well it's a good sentence to get used to saying They had the door, you'd get into a car I had a Dior car while I was there and I got so spoiled, I just used to leave the door open It was only when I left that I realised I hadn't closed or opened a car door in five days

It's like being George Michael At least you were stationary I love, there were some lovely waiters, I was at Beverly Hills Hotel The waiter said to me the first night I said, what do you recommend? He said you a stationary i love there were some lovely waiters i was at beverly hills hotel the waiter said to me the first night i said what do you recommend he said i would go for the chicken i think you'll find it very visually stimulating great don't you love that yes but i'll cut to the chase there was a reason why i was there i was a guest of dior because they were unveiling their new face and i

was there to meet a biggie robert pattinson bob you can't call him bob no he's no bob he's no bob r pat well i don't i don't think he's i don't think he likes that very much like cowpats yeah i think it's our pats, isn't it? It is, but I don't know whether he likes that. It's like Irish people wear on St Patrick's Night. Harp hats. I was interviewing him for Instyle magazine, so I can't give away too many spoiler alerts.

That's the sort of thing they would have said when I was a kid. I'm going down our pats on uh i'm going down our pats on tuesday and now he's becoming into so you interviewed him i interviewed so first question yeah he is one like most handsome man oh i know all the magazines oh yeah how handsome is our pats oh i'd say he say he's beyond an 11. Really? Shut up! He looked very young. He was very teenage-like. How old is him, Arpa? I think he's calling him Harper now.

Harper? Are we going to guess it or Google it? He's 26, 27 Mark. Okay. But he was very nice. There were two security men outside. He laughed politely at my jokes. I think he had GSOH, but then he did just laugh at my jokes. I thought that was good. GSOH, good sense of humour.

You'll need that for that Czech dating. Oh, yeah. But... I don't know if it's Czech. I think it might just be credit card. OK. Frank, guess what? Go on.

I asked a question on your behalf. No. I did. Because I thought I'm over here, and I thought, I bet there's something, in fact, so I brought up Doctor Who. Oh, yeah. I don't know why. I suddenly said, oh, I said, are you interested in Doctor Who?

What, being the new one, do you mean? Yes. I said, do you watch it? Good call, eh? I know. I said, do you watch it? He went, no, I don't really watch it. I said, oh, I said, you know they're looking for a new Doctor, though.

Did he know that? I don't know. See, I never know what they know, people like Arpad. I know. How much they're looking for a new doctor though did he know that I don't know see I never know what they know people like Arpad so much they're in the world I know so I said to him

I said oh would you consider it he said well I said I looked up your odds he said oh did you what were they oh he likes to gamble

I said 80 to 1 he looked really disappointed well I was 66 to 1 well no then I told him well no I told him I said Stephen I was 66 to 1. Well, no, then I told him. Well, no, I told him, I said, Stephen Fry was 66 to 1. He went, oh. When I told him he was 80 to 1, he said, that's a bit low, isn't it?

But that's because they think he'd never do it because he's too big. I think he looked a bit competitive. I think he would do it. I think if Arpat's agent phoned up and said, actually, Arp is... Arp! He's in the running. Arp's interested. I think they'd be...

God, imagine the ratings they'd get if he was the Doctor Who. Yeah. I mean, he's, let's face it, beautiful. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and good old Alan Cochran. Good old Alan Cochran. He's all sort of the Earthman of the people.

I get nothing. No, you get your normal grandeur. You can text us on 81215 and you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and you can email us through Twitter at Frank on the Radio, and you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. We're a bit excited here in the little studio, because we haven't had a guest on the show for about two years.

We stopped them because we didn't like them. But I said it would have to be somebody pretty special for me to break the guest rule. You did. And guess what? Neil Gaiman. So we're all very excited about that. Who you fancy sold off, in the building even is he i can feel the genius coming under the doors so we were we were with well i'll tell you exactly where we were we were in a hotel room in beverly hills with me and robert pattinson i know but you don't want to hear about that

i don't think it's up there with my seeing a woman's whole pants anecdote. Yeah, haven't you two had quite the week? I've been to Ramsbottom. Are you talking about me and Robert? Well, true. So it's come to this. Loneliness is a terrible thing. Indeed. So there is a place called Ramsbottom. I thought it was like made up. It's like crinkly

bottom. No, there is a place called Ramsbottom but let's back in LA. Oh no, you don't want to hear about Robert Pattinson. We don't want to go to Greater Manchester when we could be in L.A. So I was asking him, R. Pat's, you know, I don't think he's a fan of R. Pat's. Oh, really? But I was asking him about... I call him Madge.

That's right, isn't it? Yeah, what did you ask him about? Well, I was asking him about Doctor Who who but i sort of put my foot in it i i've been drinking from your cup frank because that's when i said when i told him the odds he looked a bit disappointed i shouldn't have said that but i said oh you know he said who are the people in the frame for it i thought oh he's interested yeah i've got him interested i said russell tovey he said oh i don't know who that is well he's been out the country i said you were to ijafor i just said that who that is well he's been out the country i said you were told

i just said that because it sounded impressive like i knew you had to pronounce the name and everything and he's i would have just because he doesn't know you could have said ken dodd ken dodd's in the frame yeah you mentioned the cockerel you could have said anything no i didn't do you think can i ask you a question no when i asked him that robert patterson said i thought he was jason the asthmatic. Oh, good, good. He's aware of my work. If David Beckham's people found the BBC and said David Beckham wants to be the new Doctor Who,

wouldn't they be slightly tempted? Can you imagine the ratings if David Beckham was Doctor Who? Well, you know who we need... I mean, for the first 15 minutes. Yeah. I just wonder if he's that big he could get it. You know who we need to ask about this? Neil Gaiman

You won't tell us anything Even if he knew He will sing like a canary Five minutes with me Well I look forward to that Luckily I've bought my zither Well we'll be back with Neil Gaiman Absolute Radio Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I need some Neil Gaiman music. So Neil Gaiman is actually with us in the studio. Now, this feels about right for you. What do you think, Neil? Do you know where this is from, Neil? This is... I've absolutely no idea.

Where is this from? This is from Day of the Triffids, which I starred in as a child. So you've stolen my theme tune. Here we go. Yeah, when Emily was a child... Enough! When Emily was a child star, she was in Day of the Triffids,

the BBC version. As a very small Triffid? As a bod. As a green shoot. No, she was the frightened child. I was young Susan. So, look, Neil, it's great to have you on. It's wonderful to see you again.

I mean, where do we... If you don't know Neil Gaiman, come on! What can I say? Coraline Stardust. Wow, Sandman. My favourite novel ever, I think, is American Gods. It's not often in my... You know, that's one of those books, Neil, that when I finished it,

I was really upset that I'd finished it. And I kind of feel that it's a bit mine. Yes, I think that's the best thing about the kind of books that you bond with on a sort of weird personal level, which is they're your book. You went and lived in that space. So what I want to talk is royalties.

Let's go for it. No, but your new... I'm so embarrassed of you. No, but your new book, The Ocean at the End of the Lane, is, and I'm not, I was so glad when I read it and I thought, we've got him coming on thank god I love it

because otherwise I'll have to just lie and I'm not a great liar but that is another book where I thought I thought you know what I don't think anyone else will really get this book like I'm getting it what I love best about this book is that for me it was so completely personal

I thought I'm going to write the book that is like looking out of my eyes, age seven, little kid, slightly bookish, and just let everything go and see what happens. It was like a little love letter to my wife, because I missed her. And she was off making an album in Australia for four months. So I started writing her a short story.

I should say, Neil's married to Barbara Streisand. You realise there are people listening to that who will simply remember that as their little item of trivia. Oh, I heard Barbara Streisand's husband on the radio. No, he's married to Amanda Palmer, who some of you who are... What sort of alternatives amongst you will be very familiar with?

And if you don't know it, I suggest you... What's the thing? Ascosia, is that what it's called? Yes. Yeah, that's the new Google, Neil. We're pushing a new search engine because they give money to the rainforest rather than not pay tax. Well, they say that. Yeah, we like that a lot.

Yeah, so when I first started reading it, I thought it was a kid's book, and then I realised it was a book with kids in it. But it's actually quite scary in parts. It's very scary. And I've never known canvas to be quite so frightening. And I don't want this to be a spoiler thing here, but there's a lot of flapping canvas that really freaks me out in it. Good. Good.

That's great. You have achieved that end. I did my job. I did it properly. Sorry, but there's something else in it which really reminded me of my childhood. There's a wardrobe, and you say on the door of the wardrobe it looks like there's monsters on the door,

and there was exactly that in my parents' bedroom. I wonder, one of the things I really tried to do was just, while I was writing it, was go back in my head to being about that age and describe the world that I saw, which is not the world that you see now. And I wound up remembering stuff I'd forgotten for 30, 40 years. Things like the way that patterns in wood could become screaming faces or monsters.

Things like the way that kids don't use paths. They make their own paths. You never see an adult down on his hands and knees crawling through the rhododendrons trying to figure out where you're going. Should have seen Frank in Birmingham in the 80s. Yeah. I knew you were going to say that. And I did.

Yes. Well, yeah, but it reminded me of my childhood, but it reminded me that childhood is actually quite scary, which I'd sort of forgotten. Yeah. I started the book with a quote from Maurice Sendak, where he says that when he was a child, he knew all these terrible things,

but he couldn't tell adults because it would scare them. Yeah. And I just thought, yes, that's the book I want to write. Well, this is a book where, and we'll come back to this, because we're a commercial radio station, we have to play adverts and stuff like that. You know, we're working for the man. I hope I'm not getting too far from the mountain.

If you get that, you really know Neil Gaiman's stuff. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We have Neil Gaiman in the studio. We haven't touched his hair yet, but we're talking about it. People do, apparently.

So, Neil, let's cut to the chase now. Can you get me a part in Doctor Who? Can I say Mooncat has tweeted in, yeah, if Neil Gaiman is in, get him to write you into a Doctor Who episode. It's all there. Come on, Neil. If I write another Doctor Who, which right now, on the one hand, I really want to, and on the other hand,

I can only do if Stephen Moffat can send me an envelope containing three extra months that, you know, nobody's ever heard of before. Not three extra months' pay. No, no, just the months. I need the time. The money's fine for money. I just need time. People so rarely own up to that. But, you know, obviously, I will try and stick Frank Skinner in as Frank Skinner. Really? And you will be fine until they cast Robert Patterson as Frank Skinner.

No, but he'll be Doctor Who. We've already worked that out. Also, you said, I know, I read that you said you'd like to write an adventure that was set on Earth. I want to do an... And that's where I operate, generally. I know. You are quite Earthy. That is a fact.

You are quite earthy, that is a fact. You are, and mostly, obviously, on Earth, Frank. We probably won't tell them about your intergalactic wanderings. Oh! If we're going to do secrets, Neil once showed me his secret pocket. Can I say that? Oh, God. He's not a marsupial, I'm not suggesting that. Go on, tell us about your secret pocket.

I was really impressed and excited. I was disgusted. Oh, you were there? Yes. All of the jackets that I wear have pockets inside, including ones that are practically shoplifter pockets that are intended to hold huge notebooks so I can pull them out and start scribbling.

And even this one, I counted the other day and found that there are actually 11 pockets in this chain. Wow. Are they customised then? Yeah, it's a lovely lady named Cambriel who makes them for me. You see, I love that, because most people, they make a note on their iPhone or something. You're still operating with that.

I'm still on paper. Do you use a quill? I use things that look like this, Frank. Not a fountain pen. It's a fountain arm. See, that's what I like about you, Neil. It's like Jack Kerouac. Not only are you a writer, but you seem to respect writing and see it as a as a magical supernatural art it is i mean it's it's the

process of getting ideas and pictures and worlds out of your head and into somebody else's um it's you know the sort of the ultimate collaboration it's between me as a writer and you as a reader. You'll take these 26 letters and a bunch of punctuation marks and you'll build a world with them. And that's absolute magic. Wow. That's the trailer worked out for next week. That's great. Marvellous.

So you might write another Doctor Who because I read a thing where you said that you didn't get paid for rewrites. And I thought, this doesn't sound like Neil Gaiman, who said that when he does something for money, he doesn't enjoy it. No, what I was saying was, I love doing Doctor Who, but you can't do Doctor Who for the money. You have to do Doctor Who.

If you're writing Doctor Who, you're writing it for the love. And I love it. There are lots of limitations on Doctor Who, because you have to keep in with the canon, obviously. You can't change Doctor Who, really. Oh, I don't know. I slipped one line into The Doctor's Wife, which indicated that Time Lords can regenerate into different genders,

which, with any luck, may wind up eventually doubling the possible casting opportunities for the Doctor somewhere down the line. I have to say, I'm quite warm into the idea of the female Doctor Who. Are you? As long as it's someone who's suitably quirky. I don't mean Sue Pollard. I mean, you know, just an edge of... If you could pick a lady Doctor Who, Neil, who would you go for?

Put you on the spot. I'll give you a song to think about it, if you like. Or do you just want to go random? Well, the trouble with casting any doctors is really the way you should cast a doctor is when the new doctor gets announced, you should go, I've heard of them. Really? And then you should look at a picture in the papers and go, that doesn't really look like the doctor. How can that be the doctor?

And then you see them in costume a couple of months down the line, you go, well, maybe. And then six months into the new doctor who you go how could i have ever thought that anybody else could be the doctor but this person and that's how it ought to work well matt smith i would say is the classic example because i had nerd matt smith and um by god he was glorious absolute absoluteute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Neil, you once invited me to a party, and I'm going to apologise now, because I was an hour early.

That's how excited I was. Wow. We ended up, we went up shopping together. It was great. I loved it. That's beyond Lombardi time. It was actually a party that I, over the last week, I've been thinking about a lot.

Because we were at the Edinburgh Festival, and I know a lot of writers, being a writer. And I also know, just because you can't knock around the world without running into you lot, a lot of comedians and talky people who really like writers and wound up putting together, it wasn't really a party, it was just a bunch of writers like Ian Rankin and, of course, Ian Banks and a bunch of people like you and Phil Jupitus. like you and Phil Jupitus.

And when I heard that Ian Banks was, as he put it, very poorly, I wrote him a letter just saying, I'm really sorry and you're such a great bloke. And one of the things he wrote back and talked about was how much that evening had meant to him, just how great it was. Well, I'm very grateful to you because obviously when I heard that Ian Banks was going to die, I thought, oh, my God, I'm so glad I met Ian Banks.

And he was so lovely, which you want people to be when you meet them like that. So I'm very grateful. But, yeah, it was also very sad. I feel quite sad thinking about it now. But how brilliant that that happened. I'm glad it was also very sad. I feel quite sad thinking about it now, but how brilliant that that happened. I'm glad I was an hour early. Yeah, I'm glad you were an hour early too.

We got to hang out longer and you got to have more of Ian Banks. Of course, I remember the thing about that night was because Ian had done that Raw Spirit book where he'd gone out and drunk whiskey in every single distillery in Scotland. I'd gone out and I bought the fanciest bottle of whiskey I could

at the fanciest Edinburgh whiskey shop. And I said, look, I've got Ian Banks. And they said, oh, well, what you want, sir, is this bottle here. And I got it for him. And Ian arrives. I'm like, OK, and I've got the whiskey here, Ian. And he says, oh, since I did that book, he said, I've gone off whiskey.

And spent the evening drinking red wine and the rest of us all tried the whiskey. I didn't. You didn't, of course. If my analyst is listening. So American Gods, which I still think is, please, if you haven't read that novel, read that as well as The Ocean at the End of the Line. The Ocean at the End of the Line, I should say, actually, just for administrative purposes, comes out on the 18th of June. It is. It's out on Tuesday. I loved it. Emily loved it. I's out on Tuesday. I loved it.

Emily loved it. I didn't like it. I loved it. I did a Simon Cowell. Wow. I felt slightly scared on your behalf then when that happened. And who knows what else is lurking in your notebook pocket? Actually, the next thing that's going to come out in September is absolutely the opposite of

Ocean at the End of the Lane because it's a ridiculously funny, silly book called Fortunately the Milk for Kids about a dad who goes out to get milk for his kid's cereal and gets kidnapped by aliens and escapes from the aliens and is kidnapped by pirates and then rescued by a time-travelling stegosaurus in a hot air balloon. And then things get weird.

Can I ask, has a publisher ever read your manuscript and said, the thing is, Neil, it's a bit far-fetched? I'll tell you, I spoke to my manager last night and he was telling me that his son, he's ten, they had a People I Admire day at their school and they had to go dressed as someone they admired. He wanted to go as his dad, but they put a ban on dads. And he went as Neil Gaiman.

This is a ten-year-old. I bet he didn't know about the secret pocket. But that's absolutely true. He went as Neil Gaiman. Obviously, it wasn't a state school. Otherwise, it would have been Wayne Rooney. But nevertheless, what a wonderful thing. I wonder if...

So can I just, before we go in now, but can I have an absolute guarantee that I will be in the next Doctor Who episode you write? Absolutely not, Frank. Oh. Because obviously I could write you in and they could shoot it and then they'd just cut it out for reasons of time.

This could be our... The problem is, Neil, it's already on Twitter. I just checked. No, but this could be our... If you sort of,. The problem is, Neil, it's already on Twitter. I've just checked. No, but this could be our Pats. Have you sort of, inside that Dalek, people would never know, and then we reveal afterwards. No, I'm happy to hide away, or I'm happy for me to be in it as myself,

but I could be played by our Pats. There you go. No one would even notice. They wouldn't. Neil, it's been great having you on, and please go and buy The Ocean at the End of the Lane. I'm not kidding. I'm not saying it because he's here.

It's a brilliant book. It'll make your hair stand on end, and it'll make you cry a bit, and you'll get angry with the dad. So thank you, Neil Gaiman. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Neil's gone. Neil's gone. Neil's gone.

We can relax. I still find it quite stressful having a guest. I find it stressful having a guest. I was very excited it was Neil Gaiman. But it's going to have to be another big person for me to do it again. Arpatz, maybe. I forgot to tell you another thing he said about Doctor Who. He said, Robert said to me, I'll tell you who I met once. Robert said to me. No, he did. For God's sake. He said, we were talking said, Robert said to me, I'll tell you who I met once.

Robert said to me. No, he did. For God's sake. He said, we were talking about Doctor Who, he said, I'll tell you who I met once. I said to him, he said, Sylvester McCoy. I thought that he was quite, he seemed quite impressed and I was surprised

that he would be impressed by Sylvester McCoy. Oh, yeah. It was a big dinner with Sylvester McCoy. What about that? Did you? I've topped our pats at last. You've topped our pats? Yeah. You've topped our pats? Yeah.

You all right with that? Frank, there's a story we haven't touched on. It's about Ladies of the Night. Oh, that's why we haven't touched on it. Well, we don't like to encourage this kind of behaviour. No. Any criminal activity on this show. We'll pick our words carefully here.

Shall we call her an adult industry worker? Yes, I don't like the way that... I mean, I'm not going to use the P word, but this is a woman, a lady for hire. But I don't like that they call themselves the sexuals workers and stuff like that. I don't like the... Today?

Yeah. They call themselves the sexuals workers. Well, they call themselves sex workers, don't they? I've said sex. You've made me say sex. Now, I hope you're happy. We've had to leave it till 10 to 11. Well.

But I don't want the idea of the concept of work introduced to that, you know, area of... It should be assumed it. Where's the love in it? That's what I'm asking. Trust me. In all plain sailing. Many people are asking, where's the love in him. So there's a man in Birmingham.

You must have seen the story this week. He ordered one of these ladies over the phone. And she turned up. First of all, he said, what do you look like? So she described herself. I would love to have heard that description. Yeah, me too. Just the pen picture, as they used to call them.

And then when she turned up, he felt that basically she'd talked herself up a bit. Yeah. And said, no, no, forget about it. I believe what he said was, she's misdescribed and misrepresented herself totally. Well, hold on, it was in Sully Hall. Now, Sully Hall is the posh part. Go on then, how did they talk there? Exactly.

Misrepresented. Sounds exactly the same. Does it. No, if you're from the area, you'd recognise the slightly posher. The little fingers sticking out. So the four people that's relevant to. I imagine this happens to these women quite a lot during the light nights. I think this is, they should do winter

work or have later hours in the summer. Yeah. It's not forgiven, is it? I mean, it's... And, you know, I imagine it's stressful and exhausting work and often accompanied with all sorts of... Stressful? All sorts of habits.

Can I just say, you boys are going to have to help me out. I'm a bit confucius here because, as I understood it, if you call someone in the adult industry... We've got a text in saying that love for sale is how his dad refers to... Oh, I like that. So that's an easy way of tidying this up, isn't it? Yes, she was a love for sales person. I was given to understand, if you called love for sale, you weren't that interested in the facial structure, let's say, of the person.

Yeah. It was more you could look like a Doberman Pinscher. Well, then why lie? Why not say, well, you know, I'll be honest with you, I'm not the prettiest. I mean, I was in a hotel in Germany. Oh my god, I hate this anecdote. I'm already enjoying

this anecdote. I'm leaving. I'm actually leaving. I was there for the World Cup. It's not good. It doesn't make it better. And I was walking, and it was one of these places where these ladies sit in the windows, and they had international,

they had their national flag stuck on the window so that visitors could choose ones of their, it was like a World Cup wall chart, but with ladies. Right. Oh, I quite like that. So I'm in the hotel. This woman stops me in the corridor of the hotel

and said, a man said for me to come here, and then I can't find him. She said, would you like a bit of fun? And I assumed she'd got an Etch-A-Sketch. But it turned out she was... And I said, it's an odd thing to say, but she said, would you like a bit of fun? And I said, no. Did you say, I didn't come to Germany for a bit of fun. Exactly. And she went, oh. And.

Did she? Yeah. Oh, like gutted. And, you know, I spent the rest of my life thinking, maybe it was just free, a sample. Yeah. And I said, you know when you walk past one... A sample! You know you walk past one of those places

when they're doing drinking yoghurt on a train in the street, and you go past and you think, oh, we should have had one of those. It's kind of like that. Anyway, this man phoned the police. He phoned the police and said, What's the act he tried to... The Sale of Goods Act. He said he wished to report her for breaching the Sale of Goods Act.

Which we all do, don't we? To be fair, my grandmother, when she was married to the Nigerian chieftain, he took her to the police station and said, I wish to report my wife for disobedience. Disobedience? Yeah, that's what he did.

Honestly. Frank can't believe it. Are you okay? Keep talking about the Sale of Goods Act. Frank can't believe that he's not allowed to report her for disobedience. I didn't realise that the bag was still in this tea. I've inhaled it. Do you think Bob's a poisoner? I've got a tea bag in my lungs.

Is that dangerous? Frank, Bob's a poisoner? I've got a teabag in my lungs. Is that dangerous? Frank, Bob's a straightforward murderer. He's not a poisoner. No. Look, if this man's listening, I'd recommend Most Beautiful Ladies. Yeah. Yeah. Where they guarantee we have over 5,000 beautiful women aged 18 to 60.

And also, rather than wasting police time phoning 999 about it, just take her back. Take her back to the shop. Not the shop. The shop? The place. You know what I mean. I wonder. I would like to see. I bet she was alright. This is a bloke. This is one of

these blokes who's never happy. I bet he's one of those. You know they say Americans are good at complaining. I went out with an American woman who was very, very nice, but my God, she was good at complaining. We were in... I must have told you this. We were in a restaurant once, and she complained about the meal of the woman on the adjoining table.

No. Because she'd heard this woman say there was something wrong with the meal, but she didn't want to cause a fuss. So she complained on her behalf. No. Because she'd heard this woman say that there was something wrong with the meal but she didn't want to cause a fuss. So she complained on her behalf. Wow. So that is

related. Okay, so thank you so much for listening this morning. I'm if you're in London by the way I'll be in

Trafalgar Square tomorrow at the big art show the first portrait show. Loads of different art stuff happening. He's on the plinth. No, it's really interesting. Come along. Actually, I'm on the plinth. There's a cockerel on there.

I haven't been on the plinth since I went to that royal party at Chris Eubanks' house. So if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.