The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - New Year Revolution

Episode Date: January 7, 2012

It's a new year, and everything's turned on it's head. Absolute Radio has gone all Socialist and Frank's had his first taste of C of E.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Happy New Year. I'm with the Cockerel, Alan Cochran.

Morning. Happy New Year. And Laura Solon. Good morning. Going beyond friend of the show status, moving into, I think, sort of adopted child. Hang her on. Never. Never that. sort of adopted child. Hang her on.

Never. Never that. And, yes, so here we are. And you may have noticed that's not our usual opening to the show, is to start with a song. But that's because we have extensive technical problems. It's just a new 2012 thing.

Yeah. We're in the fall of 2012. One of the things is, and this is the current state of emergency that we're in at Absolute Radio, I might not be able to play any adverts today. Now don't switch off straight away!

Give it a chance! Give it a chance to see what that's like. We've probably had BBC phoning up after and saying, hey, I'm liking you guys in the Now and Average show. Why not? But you know what? We're not going. I thought you were going to say that we'd stolen their idea. That's what we do.

That's our shtick. My advice is get the public funding sorted before you go for this move. Good idea. Not get rid of the adverts and just hope it's going to come flooding in by contributions. You could read out the adverts. I could do that. Fact them out. I'm happy to read that.

I'll do adverts, if you like. Uh-huh. Yeah. There are two men in my life. To one I am a mother. To the other I'm a wife. And I give them both the best with

natural shredded wheat. There you go. That's by the name Bothams, isn't it? Yeah, a little free bit of advertising there for shredded wheat. That's for keeping our children healthy. A little thank you. Beginning of the year.

So, if you want to text us about anything... We think that still works. That still works, apparently. That's the one thing we've got. you can text us on 8-12-15 with adverts for your local shops any little enter no no don't do that because there will be problems but do text us about anything

we always love to hear from you and it's great to be back after that obviously it's a little bit it's a bit rusty like when everyone gets back to work after the holidays you're a little bit rusty at first you know what I mean it's a bit rusty, like when everyone gets back to work after the holidays, you're a little bit rusty at first, you know what I mean? It's fine. Yeah. Get over it. So, yes, so I think what we have to say is what everyone says is, er, nice Christmas. Yeah. Happy New Year. Yeah. Some people put a weird emphasis on Happy New Year, don't they? They

do Happy New Year. Do they? Yeah, yeah. Oh, not in our house. That's American stress, isn't it? I've heard a few people do that. Happy New Year. Happy New Year, yeah. To stress, in case you get it confused. It's Happy New Year. It's as opposed to Miserable New Year. That's the British way.

My Christmas, I've got to be honest, was spoiled somewhat. Partly, obviously, by the death of Kim Jong-il. I think it took the edge off everyone's holidays. Your favourite website. Yeah, my favourite website. Kim Jong-il looking at things. Now it feels like a mournful trip down memory lane, whereas it was constantly updated.

Well, I spent most of that day on that website. Did you? But his son's going to look at stuff, surely. His son? That would be interesting. His son. Kim Jong-un, is did you yeah his son's gonna look at stuff surely he's son he's son is he kim jong-un is he called his son yeah yeah he looks like a goth michael mcintyre if michael mcintyre maybe or maybe in the human league um yeah um but um so that was sad. He stopped looking at things. Well, I suppose he's... He's looking down on things.

If you count the underside of his eyelids, he's looking at that. You think he's looking down on... I'm sure he's an atheist, Kim Jong-il. All right, do they go to a different place, do they? Atheists don't go anywhere. They just rot. They wouldn't want it any other way. Christmas for me was

I have to say completely spoiled by David Jason's face on the BBC One Christmas advert which there's one long lingering it's a lovely advert it's nice

it's all about jolliness and being part of the BBC family and then there's quite a long close up of David Jason's It's nice. It's lovely. It's all about jolliness and being part of the BBC family. And then there's quite a long close-up of David Jason's steadily imploding face. And I thought, I mean, God bless him. You know, he's been a great comic British figure and all that. But, you know, you get to an age where you think, can we shoot that from a bit further? But it's there.

Someone said to me, if you put, like, the music from, say, The Omen over it, it'd be one of the most terrifying things ever seen. Yeah, so that... I wouldn't say it's spoiled my Christmas. That's an overstatement. David Jason can't spoil anyone's Christmas, surely. Well... His Christmas.

I think he spoils Nicholas Lindhurst's Christmas every year when Nicholas remembers that he'll always be remembered as the face of Fools and Horses, and then there's that tall plonker bloke. He knows everyone's saying that at home. That's kind of upsetting. It upsets me, just for the unfairness of it. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner.

And I watched David Jason's new show, The Queen's Bodyguard. Did you? There was a series of pratfalls in it. Was there? It slaps. It slaps. It's essential, that way. Does it fall over a lot? Well, this is it, you see.

Of course, there is no more famous faller than DJ because of the bar flap incident. Yes. I mean, I don't think there's a more famous fall in the world than that. I suppose maybe the Third Reich. But it wasn't as funny, was it? It was dragged out, you see. It was dragged out.

A punchline, you went oomph, and the kids don't know it. And also, it would have been better if, after the fall of the Third Reich, you'd seen Trigger looking around in a confused way. It would have helped the whole end of the World War II. It's difficult to put it in a clip show. Yeah, it is. That's why.

I don't know. There was the World at War. I mean, it was a long clip show. I'll give you that. Yeah, so, and I noticed now he doesn't, there's a bit where he fell over in it and you see him sort of drop out of camera and then they cut to him on the floor

and you think, oh, DJ, he's not doing his, he's not doing the falls anymore. They're sort of... He's not doing all his own stunts these days. He's a stuntman that fell over. Oh. It happens to the best of us. It's a difficult business to just go on and on. He's had a good run. Yeah.

Now get out. So, um, so what did you do? Anything spectacular? We have to have this conversation, because everyone does. Yeah. We had Christmas. We've all had Christmas, haven't we? It sounds like there was a moment when you thought,

shall we have Christmas or shall we not? Shall we not do this? When people say, did you have a nice Christmas, I've often thought of saying, oh, God, Christmas? I forgot all about it. Oh, will that turkey still be edible? Oh, I don't believe it. Christmas?

I knew. We haven't seen much telly. We've been busy with, you know, lots of relatives turned up for some reason. Oh, no. I went to church on Christmas Day. On Christmas Day? No, that's not big news, because some of you may know, new people to the show may not know, I'm a Roman Catholic, right?

Don't switch off. I know what you're thinking, Roman Catholic presenter, no adverts. What is it, medieval Italy? But, no, it's absolute radio. Nice. That's your summary of medievality yeah I think so no adverts, that's what I hate about the medieval times there probably were

adverts in a sort of a I suppose a head on a pike staff is a sort of an advert for government it's a sort of party political broadcast a head on a pike staff. It's a negative example, I think. It is.

Hanging, drawing and quartering was a party political broadcast, wasn't it? Or was it a public service announcement? Anyway, so I went to a Church of England church, like what, you know, most people go to. Do they? Instead of the slightly elitist Italian version. And I thought, well, this will be a bit different, you know,

because they don't do much crossing for a start-off. They're a bit like the England team in that respect. You think they don't do enough crossing, the England team? Is that your...? They don't do enough good crossing. I don't think anyone would argue with that. Oh, OK. Oh, I see.

Yeah. I get it now. Good for you. Oh, that was a late Eureka. That was quite a long wait there. I honestly thought you meant there weren't enough Catholics in the England team that they weren't running on doing the old... That's the biggest problem.

I'm opening the show by saying there aren't enough Catholics in the England football team. It's not exactly Diane Abbott, but I'm working up to it. Give it time. I wish Diane Abbott would do a TV show with Elvis Costello because I think I've got a tight lock my sleeve. Do you? Yeah. So I went to the Church of England service and it all seemed, you know, it was very church-like and I thought it's going to be all right. I'll be able to settle in here uh and uh i say less crossing but you know everyone seemed like lovely and then there was um quite a long um slideshow stroke quiz in the middle of the

christmas day service in a church in the church done by um quiz done by a man in a in a in not kind of robes we're going for, but, you know, some sort of flowing thing. He was the vicar? Yeah, he might be. I don't know the terminology for the other side. He might have been a deacon. What would you call him, a priest?

I'd call him a canon. Oh, would you? Yeah, for any reason other than... Anyway, so, yeah, he showed a slideshow, pictures of bridges, and we, the congregation, had to guess what bridges they were. They had to identify where they were. Right. And there was about 14 at my count.

14 bridges? Yeah, not like... I thought it was a bridge too far, I'll be honest with you. No, there was a lot and I didn't feel right to call out being a Catholic. I thought, you know, it's not my gig.

It's not your quiz. But yeah, lots of pictures of, some of them he'd throw in auxiliary questions. So he showed the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco and then says, Has anyone here been over the Golden Gate Bridge? Well, I have.

I have been over the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. But I didn't want to... He worked the crowd. Yeah, I didn't want to put my hand up. People think, oh, you know, get you. Like that, San Francisco. What was the link back? Obviously that Jesus is a

bridge between heaven and earth. Right. But did he get his own slide? No. That bit was done verbally. So, you know, Clifton Suspension Bridge gets his own slide. Jesus doesn't.

Is that what the Church of England's all about? It is a great bridge. Yeah, engineering. It's not about spirituality, it's about engineering. I'm going to try pressing the adverts. Let's all cross our fingers. Yes, it worked. They didn't happen.

Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. We've had a couple of texts in Frank What, on 8-12-15? Yeah, one being from Yvette saying, had your book for Christmas how very smart you look in a suit on the cover Frank, nice. Lovely. No adverts today but we've smuggled that in haven't we?

Available in all good book shops We didn't name it, that's acceptable You should try to get some work in the church. You could be Frank Cannon. Well, you see what that is? That's a joke about an American TV series, I would say, from the 1970s. Yeah, I don't get it.

I was busy being a child. Yeah, Frank Cannon. Was you? Frank Cannon was a very, very fat American cop. Was he? Yeah. Like a fat cop? The only chops you know, Cannon, are the ones you stuff in your fat mouth.

Remember that line from a novelty single at the time that included all the cops? Oh, really? What happened to those novelty singles with impressions and clips from... It's all gone. They're probably just made on YouTube now, aren't they? Nobody ever releases them. We were just... You're right. We were just... You're right.

We were just revisiting our Christmases, as people do when they meet up for the first time in the new year. I think it's perfectly acceptable. I don't think we've finished dealing with the bridge quiz. Yeah, what's your problem with the... What's your problem with the bridge quiz? I'm fascinated by it as a gambit for a Christmas Day service. Well, I think they probably thought,

they don't want to be just talked at, these people. They want a bit of audience participation. As I say, it wouldn't happen in the Catholic Church. We wouldn't have it. They'd have done it in Latin, just to make it alienating. I always feel with the Church of England services that I've had to go to in my life,

it's sometimes almost a little bit like what I imagine going to a pottery workshop in Devon. It's like, it's all a bit unstructured and a bit, oh, do what you want. Make what you want. And this bridge quiz. Yeah. Just, what was he thinking? I'm not saying that we wouldn't have a quiz.

I think that, I believe, if I remember right. Torture quiz. Pope Benedict is alright with quizzes on the church in the church but he's not pro multiple choice I think you can safely say that I thought it made a difference if I'd have felt

more at home there I recognise one or two of the bridges some of them were very difficult one of them was like a local sort of Stone Age bridge that was just four slabs. I mean, come on. It's Christmas Day.

Yeah, so I'm not condemning them for it. It's nice that they made you feel welcome, though, and you still didn't quite feel welcome. They didn't make me feel that welcome. Oh, didn't they? No. Alright. I have a sort of... I did walk in, actually, with a flaming crucifix and said,

I reclaim this building for the Holy Roman Church. I was only messing about. Yeah, yeah. Christmas Day joke. Yeah. I held it too close to the Christmas pudding. It went up. I thought, well, I'll use this.

I'll use this, you know. Nice. What about you guys? Love it. I had a weird thing over Christmas. We went to various family members the day after boxing. No, on Boxing Day, as it happens. You went visiting.

We went visiting, we did. We did quite a bit of visiting. Love it. When we were visiting my in-laws, it still feels weird saying that, it's sort of grown up, isn't it? Anyway, it turned out I had gone there in the boxer shorts I was wearing

and just a pair of briefs in my bag, which I... God, you were very mild. Wasn't it where you were living? I had clothes as well. I was thinking purely in underwear category. OK. I take some briefs in case I do any sporting activity

like running around the park or, you know, some exercise. I take them in case I get dysentery. I always travel with a spare pair of briefs for that very purpose. I like a cotton boxer, but I don't trouble myself with the dysentery. I'm fine with it. Anyway. A cotton boxer?

Oh, no, I like a crackly bry nylon. Oh, do you? It a crackly, crackly brie nylon. Oh, do you? Y-front. It's good we're all different, isn't it? Yeah. I like it. It's like having electric shock therapy.

Anyway. If my underwear doesn't crackle, to me, it's let me down. Carry on. You may as well just permanently be in a hair shirt. That's what it sounds like. I hadn't taken any boxer shorts other than the ones that I was wearing. And I mentioned this, and my father-in-law went, well, I've got some pants you can have.

Whoa! Yeah, awkward. What? I mean, really awkward. And then it transpired. Did he take them off there and then? Just in the living room. In one swift mood.

Wouldn't it be brilliant if he'd handed them over? There you go. Put them on while they're still warm. No, it turned out he had brand new, unworn boxer shorts upstairs. Were they in the packet? They were in a packet

of sorts, yeah. Sealed? I still felt, no, but I still felt a bit icky about it, because they were meant for his flesh. Do you know what I mean? They were getting my flesh. It's sort of a weird... And also, what age do you get to where you just start having things unused in the house

in case they come up? It's very like my gran. She would go, well, I've got a gents T-shirt, if you've forgotten a gents T-shirt. You must be a retailer. No, she's just not quite hoarding, but she's just got stuff in case, you know. She's there, but should I have felt icky? Am I right to feel icky?

Well, if you're absolutely certain that they were in the package, rather than the package had been in them. But you were comfortable enough to discuss your pants situation. Yeah, to be honest, you started it. I was not comfortable in the briefs. The briefs I can only really wear for the duration of a run. I can't have them on all day. I think your father-in-law should have started with a slideshow of bridges,

which you have today, and then said, I'm offering you a bridge between your own genitals and mine. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, music, I think. There's a rumour going around that the adverts are working again. I haven't tried the button yet, but hold on to your seats. That's all I'm saying.

What else? New Year, as you called it. Happy New Year. New Year. Yes, New Year. New Year is a time for resolutions. Oh, God, here we go. And I... She's right. I never make any.

Good on you. Because I feel there's a lot of peer pressure to make resolutions. And I feel like they're the same ones every year. And all year there's people going on about the fact they've just given up smoking or boozing or chocolate or they've taken up gym membership. But I feel like I thought I should give something up as well

because I thought, well, I never make a resolution. I thought, should I give up coffee? I thought, but I like coffee. Can I just say, I think liking it is part of the deal isn't it i only have two cups a day what what january is quite a difficult miserable time you should be taking up things that make you happier rather than giving up i think i think there's a point in that i think you make a point there i remember i don't want to go back again it's become a very religious programme. I remember the beginning of Lent.

My priest in Swiss Cottage in London saying, now, Lent begins this week, a time of spiritual fulfilment, of renewal of your faith, left the pause and said, it's not Weight Watchers. Weight Watchers, not Lent. pause and said it's not weight watchers weight watchers not lent he was very good did you do any quizzes he never did quizzes he did rants that's the difference between the two churches i think the secret with um with the new year's resolution is to don't give yourself too hard.

Don't aim too high. Give yourself something to do. Like my thing of a couple of years ago of learning to levitate. It just became, you know, I'm at a rod for my own back, really. So this year I'm drinking more water. Is that your thing? Yeah. All right. So this year I'm drinking more water. Is that your thing? Yeah.

Right. So I think that's a good thing to do is to try and add rather than detract. When people say I'm not doing such and such. Denial. I'm going three litres. Three litres a day. Yeah. Not denial, that's too much water. So you're also taking up visiting the bathroom a lot more.

Well, I think at first it'll be like that but after a bit i imagine it will just run through me like some uh one of those little boys you get on fountains the mannequin piss in um brussels i don't think you can say that can you it's it's not the british swear it's the french word i'm just apologizing to anyone listening, just in case. For me, it sounded like swearing. Yes. One of the bugbears of my life is these sort of modern clichés that give up drinking for January. I just think, oh, don't do that.

You know, drink a bit more in January. It's called a detox. But there's no such thing as a detox. I mean, if you really want to drink less... No such thing as a detox? Hold on a minute. Carol Vord if you really want to drink less. No such thing as a detox. Hold on a minute. Hang on. Carol Vorderman just sat bolt upright in bed.

No such thing as a detox. The detox is a made up industry. Where's my career gone? Is it? It doesn't work. If you give it up forever, but if you give it up alcohol for about two weeks and then just resume normal services, you haven't services even detox i used to drink

beetroot juice for two days people that i've detoxed everything up to this point in my life yeah i drank i i bought uh one of those boxes of beetroot family box of beetroot from a supermarket where it says you know eat within the next 20 minutes, sticker. And I just had it as a meal. I just had a box of beetroot. Forgot about it. Two days later, I went to the toilet and thought, oh, my God, I'm having terrible internal bleeding. I called the doctor out.

He was panicking. And he phoned me later and said, I've got your test results. Have you been eating quite a lot of beetroot? And, I mean, I just put the phone down. I was too embarrassed to say any more. But, yeah, so I'm hoping to drink so much water that I'm basically affected by the new moon. I'm hoping to become tidal. That's how much.

That I shall basically leave the house and return to it, along with the sea. I'm hoping to develop that kind of grey, scummy stuff as well around my perimeters. But we'll see if that happens. Flotsam and Jetsam? No, no, that's actual floating bits. You don't want to develop that around your perimeters?

No, I don't want to develop Flotsam and Jetsam I get a feeling that could be a great double act If anyone's looking Any double act sitting listening Thinking, what are we going to call ourselves? That's the one, I would say I'm going to try pressing the adverts button Oh, good

The fingers crossed didn't work So I'm going now I'm kneeling at the moment We'll see what happens So I'm going now. I'm kneeling at the moment. We'll see what happens. So, um... Turns out genuflecting doesn't work. Yeah. It's almost like Absolute Radio's

very internal soul has made a New Year's resolution to adopt socialism as its general way of thinking. And you know what? I like it. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. No light, no light. It's another technical problem.

No, no, that is the name of that song by Florence and the Machine. What I like about pressing the adverts and them not coming on, apart from the fact that they don't come on, obviously, is that another four people run around very quickly in the corridor after every failed press. It's like a stress people out button. Do you think the adverts are coming on somewhere else in the UK? I'm hoping they're coming on on BBC Six music

just to challenge their slightly heighty-tighty attitudes. What I liked about during that song playing was that you spent some of the time discussing whether or not you had time to go to the toilet and as predicted by Laura you're going to spend a lot of 2012 going to the toilet

That's true and I've hardly touched my water If you pop the water uptake up then immediately I'm still at six litres to go today Six a day? No. Yeah, I think I can do six a day. Do you add it over to the next day if you haven't done that? We used to do six litres of lager without even a second thought.

Yeah, but you get a buzz from that, don't you? You get nothing from water except a pee-pee later on. A pee-pee? Yeah. Okay, now I think we seem to be broadcasting on CBeebies. Well, I just thought, you know, I'll mix up the lingo a bit. So you haven't made any... Have you made a resolution?

Well, last year, my wife resolved to not watch any American films for the whole year. Why? That's a fabulous resolution. It's a great one, actually. It's a random, drawn-out- of the air, self-punishing. She had to watch British and foreign European cinema on set. It was to broaden her film-viewing horizons, because a lot of American films follow the same story.

Do they? Well, they have a sort of built-in format, whereas some European films are just a bit more novel in their... It's a brilliant resolution. Brilliant. Respect to Mrs Cockcroft. And she stuck to it. Has she?

Yeah, yeah. She's, now of course, now that we're in 2012, there's loads of American films that came out in 2011 that we can watch on DVD. But yeah, she really stuck to it. As a consequence, we did spend some evenings watching Jack Tatty in the Cockroft household. Well, that's...

Good fun. Yeah, there's like a funny bit every, what, 40 minutes? I'd give him 20, but... Yeah. Can I ask, but just to stop you there, just for a second. The decade that we're in now... As you know, here on Absolute, we like to bring out a decade-based radio station.

60s, absolute 70s, absolute 80s, absolute 90s. What are these ones called? Will it be the 10s? Absolute 10s. It just doesn't have the same... It sounds too much like tense, isn't it? Absolute teens.

But then you're going to be looking for Bieber, you know what I mean? You're going to think, oh, it's teen radio. I guess it is the decade of Bieber, though, isn't it? Yeah, but I'm guessing that the digital channels have been such an enormous success for the Absolute Radio organisation. I don't think they'll be able to wait

until the end of this day. I bet they're already thinking, could we do the teens now? Just play, like, 2011 stuff. Who'd notice? Teens would work, wouldn't it? We could get to 14. Absolutely. Give it a couple of years and go for teens.

Anyway, so she's now watching American films. She's back on it. But last year I made a resolution of going, I have a lot of footwear. But that first one was great, wasn't it? You know when you stop smoking and you have that first cigarette. What was the first film? We haven't done one yet, I don't think. You haven't done an American film yet,

and it's already the, what is it, the seventh? There was one on over Christmas called Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Didn't get a major movie release. Was that American, or was it Mexican? I think that's a Mexican arthouse movie. I made a resolution last year to not buy any more footwear because I buy quite a lot of shoes and trainers.

That's a tremendous... I think Douglas Bader made that resolution in 1943. He lost both legs when he was shot down by the Nazis. Well, mine was more self-punishing. I think there's enough time that I can do a joke about that.

And also he was known by his own colleagues as Old Tinlegs. Well, mine was more self-punishing. I think there's enough time that I can do a joke about that. Yeah. And also, he was known by his own colleagues as Old Tinlegs. So he's a bloke who could laugh about it. It wasn't a too-soon moment, was it? No. Anyone who wants to find out more about Douglas Bard, I suggest you watch Reach for the Sky, starring Kenneth Moore. I lasted till the summer and then went,

Why am I doing this? I want some new shoes. I'm having them. It's fine. No, but it's nice to have a random rule that you... Yeah, an original resolution, you see. Self-flagellation. Yeah, you've got to make it interesting. You see, people who live in, let's say, Iran, they don't do things like this because they've got plenty of people saying you can't do this and you can't do that,

so they don't need to come up with it. We live such freedom, we want a little bit of oppression. We have to get our own. No shoes, no American films, more water, no coffee. I'd love to know what new resolutions our listeners have made. It might well be the way things are going technically. We've been talking to ourselves for the last hour. But you know what?

I'm all right with that. I'd like to have a fight this year. That's what I'm going to do. Proper big fight. I'd probably like a fight. Or a handbags. No, I'd like a fight. One that I can win.

Unarmed combat. Well, I think that's the texting. Anyone would like to fight the cop? Cop fighting on Absolute Radio. I'm all for it. Frank. Frank. Frank. Skimmer. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner!

Absolute Radio! We've had a text in saying, just outside Martlesham Heath in Suffolk, there's a pub called the Douglas Bader Arms. Wow. I mean, why go for the arms? He's famous for his legs. Fools.

Mind you, pubs aren't really called the something-something legs, are they? No, that's because people... It's very, very difficult to discuss the opening hours... ..without it becoming sordid. That's why arms. Arms, you know. I mean, the open arms, the lovely welcoming thing. Well, anyway. Anyway. I tell you what, there's been a lot of sort of on the radio and stuff.

Is this the predictions for... Oh, no. ..for what's going to happen next year? It's going to be hot or not in 2012. I've noticed I haven't been in any of them. Have you? No, I've gone through all the comedy, my comedy tips for the year.

I thought, oh, surely nothing. Yeah. I think I was one for the future in Time Out in 2005. Yeah, well, as long as they just said the future and didn't specify. They didn't say 2005. That's all right. That clock is still ticking.

Yeah. OK, it's getting pretty near midnight. Yeah, isn't it? It's certainly darker over your side of the studio since it's been brought up. Now, what I'd like to know is, how's it going to go for Russell Grant? Now that he's got a foothold,

let's say a toehold back in the public domain, what do you do with Russell Grant? Yeah, he's been fired out of a camera. That's the text. No, it isn't the text. What do you do with Russell Grant? I know some of it will be aggressive. No, I'd like to see a Quo Vadis Russell Grant. That's what I'm saying.

Quo Vadis? What does that mean? With a goist. What is Quo Vadis? It means with a goist, doesn't it? Oh, does it? I don't know. It's a pub that my grandpa used to be fished out of in Glasgow. Does it?

I've never really noticed. Are you just going to talk in pub names? Yeah. Is that your New Year's resolution? Yes. Yeah. I was saying that to the horse and jockey just the other day. I'm thinking he might do one of these things of, you know,

shooting eight people in a job centre, Russell. Oh, no. With an automatic weapon that's got all those little... You know those little mirrors from Mirrorballs? The one he's made himself, so it's quite spangly. Why would he do that? Because I think he's a man who's... He thinks now it's all back on again, and if it isn't, he's...

And the cruel hand of entertainment gods are going to snatch away... He'll blame what he likes to refer to as the public. The public. It won't matter which members of the public get punished. That's my little prediction anyway. Surely he'll blame the stars. Yeah. I forgot he was an astronomer. He'll go back to predicting. That's what he'll do.

They never mentioned he was an astronomer though on the show. This was a big I'm going to call it a bog bear. It was a bog bear of mine. They kept on about oh, you know, he's shot out of a cannon. Never mentioned the fact that he claims the supernatural gift to predict the future. That wasn't even, that wasn't

thought being worth mention. In fact, they just wanted to go on about him being roly-poly. I mean, what priorities? I'm looking forward to the forms of sporting hyperbole oh um that are going to happen come come the summer because you know when there's a world cup on a european cup the sporting hyperbole gets quite big but this is this is the olympics bear in mind there is also a

european championships before then so there'll be a ramp there'll be a hyperbolic ramp yeah people which is what i had fitted in the 1980s to stop my stomach from falling. And the Diamond Jubilee. Who's going to play guitar on the roof? That's a very good question. Is there a Diamond Jubilee? The Olympics is really... You didn't know about the Queen's Diamond Jubilee?

I didn't know about that. I'd forgotten about that. Maybe it's in my consciousness, but the Olympics has perhaps stolen that space in my mind. You've only got room for one big event. Yeah, but you're quite right, because it was Brian May for the Golden Jubilee. I don't know who he's...

He's going to get up the ante. Yeah. I hope it's not going to be Brian again. Will it be Justin Bieber? Maybe. No, because you can't do that kind of dancing on a sloped roof. I wouldn't like to see him. I don't think any of us would like to see him fall.

That's a good question, though. I'd like maybe some... Who's going to play guitar on the... Was it Buckingham Palace? Yeah, it was. It was, yeah. Perhaps they won't have a guitar. Perhaps they'll have a certain celebrity playing a ukulele. Oh.

Gap in the market. I'm liking the sound of that. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran and Laura Solon. And we're having a fabulous time. Yes, indeed. Somewhat blighted by technical difficulty, but I hope...

I don't know if it's been blighted. In a way, I think it's been raised up. I was just going to say, I hope you're coping without your advertising, dear listeners. Somebody has got in touch saying, Hi Cockrell, that's my nickname from Frank, by the way, Hi Cockrell, you're mention of a certain celebrity playing the uke on top of Buckingham House.

Buckingham House? Buckingham Palace is a great idea, but do we even know if Ricky Tomlinson is available? And also, would Buckingham Palace is a great idea but do we even know if Ricky Tomlinson is available? And also, would Buckingham Palace take Ricky Tomlinson on the roof? Wouldn't people think that something very terrible and possibly terminal had happened to the man in the moon

if they were going past unaware? It took Brian May's hair Good point. That's true Can I point out out by the way on the morning of technical things that that was a technical error because um ricky tomlinson is a banjo player oh is he oh good i like it when people get pedantic about stuff like that somebody's texted in saying subject oh they started with our subject and then a colon saying, Road called Barda Walk. Battle of Brinnister in Northfleet, Kent,

has a road called Barda Walk. The Battle of Britain Estate. That is a good name for an estate, isn't it? It is, yeah. I like the sound of that. Never were so many houses built by so many for the benefit of so few. That's what they said about the overstaffing by Wimpy on that particular estate.

Douglas Bader, we were saying earlier, Douglas Bader or Bader, I've always called him Bader. Let's call the whole thing that blue guy and his leg shot off by the Nazis. He, yeah, he had his leg shot off and became a very famous war hero Known as Old Tin Legs And calling it Douglas Bard a walk

Is robbing it in a bit Isn't it We've had a text that I don't really understand here From 264 Do you think you should read it out Is it in Urdu It's not in Urdu I'm fluent in Urdu

Frank what about Matthew Bellamy Playing guitar on the roof of Buckingham Palace for the Jubilee? Who's Matthew Bellamy? Now, you see, we're probably showing our ignorance. It'll be someone from Red Hot Chili Pepper. Oh, no, that's Sarah, our assistant. Boo Radley's? Muse. Muse, thanks very much.

Just say it. You don't have to mime. I don't want to cheat the listeners. I don't know who he is, and I'm happy to say that. What about Craig Bellamy on the roof? Alienate the whole nation. He's Welsh. She's the Queen of Wales as well.

Did you forget that? Oh, yeah, yeah, I suppose so. Oh, yeah, Queen of Wales. Well, they've got an assembly, haven't they? They might not want... So, yes. What's he called? Gary Bellamy.

Matt Bellamy from Muse. Gary Bellamy. We've gone through all the Bellamys now. Yeah. He's not the gardening bloke. No, I'm sorry, I didn't know the name of the guitarist from Muse. I own up to that. Somebody's texted in about their New Year's resolution.

My daughter's asked me what my New Year resolution would be as midnight arrived, and I told them it was to be more tolerant. This lasted approximately 30 seconds when the youngest knocked my beer over. Is this a record for the quickest resolution broken? At least he's done, though, now. He can get on with 2012. He's out of the way.

I think you're allowed. You can keep your resolution up. If you break it once, it's not the end of the resolution. Some people think it is. No, you can see that just to stumble. You think? Yeah. I think that's it. It's gone. He may as well get back to his own life. It's not a sponsored silence.

No, I think it is. Once you've taught that's gone. Really? Other resolutions, you can keep going with them. I understand that our advertisers are on a sponsored silence this morning. I've put in ten grand. So, what else is happening? Oh, I'll tell you what is happening tomorrow,

which is quite exciting, and that is that Dancing on Ice is beginning. A programme I've never seen, but I like the fact that it exists. It frightens me. Yeah, like so many things there's a lot of things it's like modern art much of modern art it doesn't give me joy but i'm glad it exists yeah it's a good thing uh and i um i like the it's so dangerous dancing it's running

around with knives attached to your feet that's's what ice skating is. You're quite right. I wish they'd called it that. Celebrities run around with knives attached to their feet. On a slippery surface. They'd still be queuing up. That's what I love about it. I think we should play some music. But I'm slightly fascinated by all the reality shows. It has its own specialness, I think.

I'm so interested and so excited I'll announce my New Year's resolution, and that is to keep playing the four. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Texts? Yeah, there's a text from Zero210 who says,

Barda lost his legs in a plane crash. I think you said... But wasn't he shot down by the Nazis? You said they were shot off. I mean, are we going to split hairs, as they say in Germany? Yeah, well, I think he was, if he was shot

down by the Nazis, it's possible to say that he had his legs shot off by the Nazis. That's the headline. That's the headline, yeah. Okay, it's not that topical maybe too when I was made a new year's resolution to be more pedantic than he was last year or pediatric

yeah I'm always happy to learn maybe yeah I think there was so he survived the plane crash as well what a man he was Douglas Bader I'm loving him. He's our theme this morning. We've replaced adverts with Bader.

Yeah. Who'd have thought? Yeah, I like him. So anyway, I was talking about Dancing on Ice, which he didn't do. No. Well, it sounds like he's much more dangerous. Yeah.

They've all broken limbs and shoulders. I mean, what kind of a series hits crisis at the loss of Chesney Hawks? When that's it, Chesney's gone. Oh, what? Is it Chico? Is that the replacement for Chesney Hawks? They need a C-H. Chesney.

It is, yes. He's in the Roland X. I'm getting a thumbs up from Sandy Walsh. She's got her finger on the pulse of dancing. Yeah, it's cheap. We've got a one-hit wonder spot. Yeah, but can you actually skate whilst pointing at your wristwatch? I imagine that affects your balance.

They'll factor that into a dance, though, won't they? Yeah, definitely. On ice. Absolutely, definitely. I'll tell you, they're a bit older apparently some of the big names like Charlene Tilton

are there big names well Charlene Tilton to me is a big name because she used to be in Dallas Dallas that had the best opening

to any theme tune on a telly ever bit of wah wah you never hear wah wahwah now in a... There's not enough wah-wah. No. No, it's gone out of the whole TV theme business. Maybe she'll do a dance based on...

What? It's gone a bit James Stewart. There's also fitness guru Rosemary Conley. Oh, yeah, she... Surely she's got a bit of a head start, cos she'll have coordination, won't she? There's a skier. Like, what's it?

What? There's a skier. British skier, Chemi Alcott. She'll be brilliant at it, presumably. Well, not necessarily. Just because she's good on ice with skis. It's all slippery, isn't it? She's a snow person, really.

It's not her medium, ice. I think she probably... Ice is not my medium. I'm more into sand. Yeah, exactly. Carpet. Well, if it was called dancing on carpet yeah it was non-dancing on carpet sitting on sofas why don't they call it dancing on dance floor and bbc thinking hold on isn't this a little bit like strictly nobody looks good in an ice skating costume i don't

agree i think girls look uh what about sonia heaney shiny tight. I don't agree. I think girls look... What about Sonia Heaney? It's the shiny tights. I don't like them. I love shiny tights. Why do they have to wear those outfits? I mean, particularly the... Partly for warmth.

Why can't they just... Why can't they just... Well, if they're wearing it for warmth, why can't we pop them in a nice woolly jumper? You know what I mean? I love a bit of knitwear. Yeah. Pop them in a cardigan or something.

I think you could probably do that as long as... You want sort of that on on the ladies you want those white boots and shiny tight thick clothing in case you fall on the hard ice surface how come i don't wear helmets and things on their how are they insured yeah one of the clearly most dangerous where you're gonna hit your head and they don't wear helmets. When they spin the women round and they're basically just like a centrifuge just spinning them round and then if they dropped them

I mean it's just, it's not safe. No. It's not. There's a sugar babe in it. Is there? Which one? Heidi sugar babe. Oh Heidi's doing it. Are they still going? Yes. Are they? They're still going. yeah. They can't afford to lose any more members, can they? But they've gone

I think the older people have gone in because you have to basically put them on ice when they're under those lights so they start to smell. And also old people are used to slipping in winter. Well, exactly. I was alright with this.

Apparently Rosemary Connolly just like going to the shops going to the shops on ice rosemary connelly said she won't do it until they've gritted but i used to be or more or less in love with charlene telton when she was in dallas she was very very you know those bit in the opening bits where they turn and look to camera? Do you remember? It's a beautiful face. I was in love with Corey Feldman. And I was in love with Chesney Hawks.

So we've done the whole three there, haven't we? Can I say, I don't quite know who Corey Feldman is. 80s child actor, Corey Feldman. Although he says he's worked consistently since then, so he shouldn't be described as an 80s actor. What was he in? Oh, he was in The Lost Boys, he was in The Goonies, he was in Stand By Me.

Good in The Goonies. Yeah. Good in The Goonies. Good in The Goonies is... A lot of things. ..is actually my family motto. I don't know why, but... No, I don't know him.

What's he called? Corey Paving. Who's Corey Pavingaving who is that that's can you text me and please and tell me who cory because we don't google anything not when we've got yugle so um let us know i really want to know cory paving he's famous isn't he don't look at me blankly like that. Is that not a type of brickwork? That's crazy paving. Yeah, I hope he's got a brother called Crazy. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.

Thank you, everyone who's texted in telling me that Corey Paving was a whilst or is an American golfer. I have to say that we already had technical difficulties, but your direct question, who is Corey Pavin, has come close to blowing up the system here. Oh, yeah, but thank you so much.

You don't know how lovely... It's like you've always got your cleverest mate with you. It's phone a friend, is what it is. It is, yeah. And there was a lovely moment when Sandy War, who's next door, mimed golf to give me a hint as well. Yeah, nice. It's lovely.

Oh, I love it. I love human beings. There's one from 3053. Corey Pavin is an American golfer who once refused to give a nine-year-old me an autograph at Royal Lytham. I hate him for it. Excellent. There's so many reasons I like that text. The nine-year-old me is one of them.

Yeah, nine-year-old of them and the hate that still burns yeah that happened to me with Don Revy or Reevee if you prefer the former leaders United and England and indeed the United Arab Emirates and he kept me I waited in the rain for him

there was three of us so it would have took him what 20 seconds to sign three autographs. Not only did he not sign, but he kind of physically pushed us out of the way. We were all about 11. Maybe that's where they got their aggressive style of play from. Yeah, it was classic.

Classic Revy Leeds attitude. Shoulder barge and no manners. Sounds like Revy. Yes. There's been another text that I really like Oh, it's just moved, hang on, sorry Technical difficulties, blighters One more time Don't try and blame everything on that now

One more time, it's about Douglas Bader I'm calling him Bader Bader, let's go Bader Douglas Bader also coined the phrase The whole nine yards as the ammo belts for the Spitfires Were 27 feet long And using them up in one burst was how it came about. Is that right? Douglas Bader invented a phrase which I must admit I've never heard before, but that's brilliant.

You never used the whole nine yards? No, what does that mean? It means doing it all, you're going the whole way. It's another movie. I'm going the whole nine yards, that's what you'd say. I'm going the whole nine yards. People are nodding, but now that you've questioned it, it's making me think, that's a weird thing to say. Why would I ever say that?

No, but I'm glad. What circumstances would I talk about? I'm glad that you say it. You're a character. There's a text from Yvette in West Brom who texts in to say, Corey Pavin is a golfer. We once saw him at Universal Studios

waiting in a queue, holding a handbag, and Pavin is a golfer. We once saw him at Universal Studios waiting in a queue, holding a handbag, and have got a photo. Oh. Now it's coming out. Might be a man bag. No, but to be fair, that could be one of those

when the girlfriend says, I'm going to the toilet, can you hold my handbag? You know that really terrible thing when you have to hold it, but not properly. You don't use the handle. Put it under your arm.

Put it on your shoulder. So you think, I'm completely unfamiliar with the handbag as a concept. I'm just doing a fake. Is he alive, Corey? Any answers? Some people have said was, and some people say is. I'm not sure. Some people suggested, someone texted and suggested he died in a plane crash.

I don't know if that was a Douglas Bader. I think it might be. That's when know if that was a Douglas Bader. I think it might be. But either way, our thoughts are with his family. The pavings. They're crazy. So, yes, we were trying to talk about Dancing on Ice, but we can't get... Did I tell you I used to be in love with Charlene Tilton?

Yes. Very squat. Very squat. Tiny. Well, not just tiny, but squat. A woman you felt you couldn't push over. That's good for dancing on ice, then. Yeah, I think she'll be great on dancing on ice.

She has very low centre of gravity. I think she'll be like a sled in many ways. I, um, yeah, I think she's my favourite. That's my prediction for 2012. Tilton for ice. Frank, Frank, Frank Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio.

We have returned. We have, and there's loads of Corey texts. They're now coming in as Corey texts, because they're about various Corys. Corey Feldman from Lost Boys and Gremlins is alive. Corey Haim from Lost Boys is not alive. Well, you know. It's good to clarify. Thank you, Paula.

He's now a lost boy. Indeed. Our thoughts are with... Actually, mine are still with Corey Pavin's family, and I think he's still alive. Will you stop turning paper, everyone? There's so much paper going on in the background. It's like when they did the big count on election night.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm looking around for a rosette. A lot of paper cuts those nights, I imagine. Oh, is there anything worse? They're the worst. Obviously, there are a lot. Everyone says they're the worst, but, yeah. They seem insignificant compared to real cuts.

They do, but they surprise you. If somebody goes at you with a knife, you're thinking there's a cut on the way here, but not when you're just shuffling. Is there any other Corey based? Oh I've moved on, I've moved on There's various missives from the listeners

over the festive period We had an email, I just need to share what I think is a middle aged trait but it's one of those you hope isn't just you Since I turned 40 I've found that whenever I'm going out I go around the entire house, switching everything off at the plug. Computers, printers, phone chargers, television, skybox, toaster, that's everything in his house.

I even sucked a thoughtful tooth and stood looking at the fridge. Oh, I do that a lot. Matthew never gets a job in intensive care. He'll be an accident where it's a habit. He lost a job in intensive care, he'll be an accident when retired. He'll have to lose his job in a hospital. Yeah, I know there's a strong argument for saving money and the earth's resources, but to be honest, I'm not sure that's why I'm doing it. I think it's just an age thing.

This I like. Dear educated, trustworthy, esteemed panel of my peers, that's what he's calling us, please tell me I'm not the only one with this compulsion. No, I do that. I definitely do the opposite. Sometimes if I'm going out, I'll just turn the volume down on the telly

and leave the picture on. Really? Yeah. Based on what grounds? I thought you lived in a flat. It's not like people are walking past thinking, oh, we could get in there. No, but you can see into our flat.

So it means that as I walk off towards the bus stop, I'm not going to have one less look at me tell. No, I don't. What is the point? Why do standby lights and buttons and that exist if you're not supposed to leave them on? My grandmother used to unplug her television because she thought that if there was a storm

and the lightning struck the house it would blow up the television and then set fire to the house i don't know if this is science or just lightning strikes the house all bets are off yeah it strikes a tv aerial but it felt like if you unplugged the tv would be safe even if the house burnt to the ground yes well we used to do this thing when there was lightning, they would open, my parents would open the knife drawer and put a tea towel over the knives, forks and spoons. So that the lightning, that would stop the lightning from striking the cutlery. Because it makes a beeline for cutlery lightning, if you're aware of that. I thought it was the highest metal it went for.

And cutlery. You need to read the small print, my friend, when you're looking at natural phenomena. Yeah, don't think you... But lightning, if they can't see the cutlery, it won't get to us. Lightning can see, exactly. I was going to strike some cutlery.

It's to fool you with a tea towel. It's not dissimilar to bullfighting, the theory behind that. But if you hold a red cloak over there, you'll think you're over there. I think I'd rather do bullfighting than dancing on ice. I'm so afraid of getting my fingers chopped off by somebody else's ice skates. It's only a matter of time, isn't it? Celebrity bullfighting. Yeah, it would be a great show.

Russell Grant. Yeah, no, you'd need a ball. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Noel Gallagher, if I had a gun, which I predict will be used on the end-of-year montage of the photographs of Russell Grant. Post-job centre shooting. Have we had any texts in or anything? Oh, yeah, they're still texting in about plane crashes.

No, no, it's plane crash day on the Facebook. Payne Stewart died in a plane crash. Corey's still alive. I don't know. Corey's still alive? I don't know if Pay's still alive. Payne Stuart is another golfer. Oh, okay. Yeah, Corey Pavin, he's all right. I say he's all right.

You shouldn't have turned down that autograph. No, that sounds churlish at best. Churlish was probably his brother. Churlish Pavin. Churlish Pavin. Churlish is all his brother Churlish Pavin Churlish is alright it's one step less mad than Crazy Pavin isn't it so

Alicia Dixon yes she's done the big it's a bit like going from Man United to Liverpool or Liverpool to Man United maybe I suppose a transfer route which has rarely been trodden, I believe. Yeah, I think it's what they call a big money transfer

in the tabloids, in the bloids. Yeah, from dancing to general talent. Yeah. Yeah, it's easier in a way. From specialism to generalism. Well, I suppose because she was a singer initially, Alicia Dixon, she then went on to the dancing programme. Yeah. Well, I suppose because she was a singer initially, Alicia Dixon,

she then went on to the dancing programme. Yeah. But she's got that background, you see, of general showbiz. Yeah. Yeah. And she's been headhunted, which is odd because she's got a very small head. Beautiful woman. She is.

I think that someone tried shrinking Gable. I think, no, she's going to wake up. We'd better stop now. But, yeah, she's got... There are theories that Simon Cowell did it just to prove that they're superior to Strictly Condensed. Are there really? Oh, really? Can you imagine that?

It's almost like Cowell's got something to prove after red or black, isn't it? Exactly. It's been described as a defection. Has it? Yeah. Yeah, I think it's up there with... Like a cold war.

Yeah. She's a defector. Kim Philby and all those guys. Guy Burgess. Sir Anthony Blunt, even. As a coup. Traitor Blunt, as my posh doctor once called him. Defectors just off the top of your head.

Oh, yeah. I know a few. Oh, that'll be the next text in. called it defectors just off the top of your head oh yeah that'll be the next text name some defectors why don't you it's interesting she's basically become a judge now I like that idea I wonder if she'll do

the local magistrate's court yeah or like one of those county shows where you judge the best sheep. Oh, yeah, probably. Cattle and or Russell Grant. Yeah. Now I'd like to see her in the local assizes

saying things like, you know, I'll be honest, it wasn't a perfect embezzlement, but what I love about you is you give it everything. What, like a celebrity magistrate's court? Yeah, that wasn't a perfect embezzlement, but what I love about you is you give it everything. Like a celebrity magistrate's court. That would be a good show. There should be more of that. I've done a bit of judging in my time, I'll be honest with you. In a professional capacity, rather than just tutting at people at the bus stop.

Yes, exactly. That's my level of judging. But I try not to, because as you know, judge ye not for as ye judge, so shall ye be judged. On your dancing. I'm a bit bad for Alicia Dixon, which I guess. That's true. If that had been Alicia Dixon's New Year's resolution,

she'd be out of work. But, yeah, I've judged a few. I've judged some. You know that dancing for comic relief, sport relief thing? I've done a couple of those things, judging. That's sort of a fun thing, though, isn't it? So it doesn't make you a baddie. Yeah, but you still have to have that moment

when you decide who goes through and who doesn't. You have to leave the big gaps and all that. Did you feel compelled to be overly positive or medium positive? Or did you actually say negative things about her? Did you go in hard? I didn't. No, I didn't go in hard. Rebecca Front did Bjork

in a very sort of cosy way. And I said it looked a bit like, Mum's gone to Iceland. But she smiled about it I thought that was fine now I tell you what I did do, I judged a comedy competition once, never again I judged a comedy

competition in Edinburgh and this guy I thought was far and away the best we got to the judges table in our secret room after and I said well there's only one there's only one bloke in this. He was, he was, his material was 50 times better than everybody else's. Is it even worth having a judge-type discussion?

Neil said, no, no, you're right. So we gave this guy one, I went up, I gave, I did the handshake, the photos, gave him a trophy and all that. So I was in the bar after I saw Mark Lamar. You know Mark Lamar? Never mind the Boscox, etc. A man who knows more about music than anyone I've ever met in my life.

He said to me, he also knows quite a bit about comedy, like the history of, and he said to me, I can't believe he gave it to that bloke. I said, why? And then he listed off the comedians whose material he'd been using. Oh, dear. So that's why he was quite a bit better.

And I felt I'd been, well, I had, I'd been duped. He was doing a mixtape of covers. Oh, I felt so, I'd actually rewarded. Yeah. It's like, I suppose, if, you know, after that fabulous Susan Boyle thing, when she went on and everyone thought, oh, look at this, you know, chubby old housewife,

and then she had this amazing voice. If you'd done been there and seen how amazing that was, and then you'd walk past the dressing room and she was just getting out of her fat suit. It felt like that, like I'd been... Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. We've been texted by 899 on the subject of Corey Pavin, of course. Of course, who else?

Yes. Corey Pavin wore a desert storm cap at the Ryder Cup. Not good, says 899. Well, I suppose you could argue it has our lies. But I know what I mean. It seems to be making something cool, doodish out of warfare. Whereas Douglas Bader used to wear

check plus fours. Didn't he? And a Pringle sweater in the World War II. Can we ask if Frank is going to Elvis Convention in Birmingham this weekend? What am I, his PA? I'm not going to that. But I bet

it'll be great. Missed the opportunity to answer uh-huh, didn't you? I did. Sorry. Is that a really tedious joke if you're an actual Elvis fan? Oh, he's done the aha joke. No, no, no. Oh, God, here we go.

No, I think it's fine. I liked it. I'm just bitter that I didn't do it. You're quite right. I'm a terrible fool of myself. Speaking of rock legends, I hear there's going to be an Elton John biopic. Oh.

What about that? Biopic. Biopic, yeah. He is a biopic. I an Elton John biopic. Oh. What about that? Biopic. Biopic, yeah. He is a biopic. I think myopic. A myopic. He is myopic. Yeah.

A myopic biopic. He's definitely got something wrong with his eyes, hasn't he? Yeah, and he wants Justin Timberlake to play him in the film. Yeah, it makes you wonder about whether he's got the right prescription. Elton, when he looks in the mirror, he says... You want the aspirational version of yourself on the big screen. Justin Timberlake to play Elton. Hair, hair, hair off to him.

Who do you think should play him instead, if you're going for more realism? I'd go for that guy that used to be on Coronation Street with the big glasses. Is it Reg Holdsworth? That would be great. That would be perfect. You're right, he's the man. For the modern Elton John. It's certainly between him and Justin Timberlake.

Or the great Soprano. I'm not the casting director. Did he wear glasses? No, but he could. Young Elton, Justin, old Elton, Red Joles. Russell Grant. Yeah, that'd be it. No, Russell Grant is going to play Britain in it.

He's the set. Like the weather map that Fred Dibner used to do. Russell Grant just lying there. Exactly. Do you think Elton just was, when he said Justin Timberlake, he was just reminiscing about his recent work boot shopping. And he actually said, I was just in Timberland and mixed up. I think Ant and Dec could play Elton John and his partner David Furness.

Could they? Who would be who if you thought of that? Well, I think it's pretty clear. Who would be thought of that? It's, well, I think it's pretty clear that Dick would be Elton and Anne. Why do you think that's clear? Oh, I think so,

yeah. They have to appear together all the time on screen, so. Well, I just think that, you know, they've let themselves,

now they've become people who basically read out loud, whereas they used to be actors in Biker Grove. They were very good. Yeah. And singers. And I think one of them was blind, wasn't they? Yes,

PJ. So it's only a hop, step and a jump to myopic. Yeah. Yeah. I bet it's easy, really. And, I mean, there's someone else who, pilot-like, is trying to wash their hands after Red and Black. Red or Black. Not Red and Black, that'll be the next one.

The next one will be called red and black because they felt red or black was too difficult for the contestants. Yeah, I've often wondered when the Frank Skinner biopic is made, which obviously I myself then will have to probably do some mass murdering to get that made. Who would play me i'm thinking um megamind megamind you know megamind the cartoon character he's got the same shaped head that's me you'd need a small wig i think uh i think he could carry it off, definitely. Who would... I could see Kirsten Dunst doing the Laura Solon story. What do you think?

Kirsten Dunst? Yeah. No? Yeah, no. Who would you choose to play you? I don't know, but presumably it would be when I was about 60, so it would have to be someone who's about 10 now. Oh, Judi Dench. Judi Dench.

Judi Dench will still be... Because you can't have a biopic done halfway through your life. You have to be... Oh, I think you can. Because Kirsten Dunst is about my age, so... Well, that's good, then. She could play the old me. Yeah, but is Meryl Streep any older than Margaret Thatcher?

I think she might. That's not the text, in case you didn't. It's a bit late in the day. I think it's the accent they'd struggle with. I think Cat Dealey would have to play me in the text indication. It's a bit late in the day. I think it's the accent they'd struggle with. I think Cat Dealey would have to play me in the biopic. Famous for me stars. Cate Blanchett played Bob Dylan in I'm Not There. Oh, of course she did.

So it's all possible. And maybe Lenny Henry could do me on the radio version. Hard work, isn't it? It's all happening. That's all sorted then. That's the biopic stuff sorted. I look like a grown-up version of the little boy who's in the musical of Billy Elliot on the poster,

you know, when he's jumping. Do you jump a lot like that? I look like him. Now it'll come back to you, and obviously radio listeners are perplexed by this very notion, but they'll eventually get there. I think you look a bit like Andy Fairweather Lowe. Andy Fairweather Lowe? Andy Fairweather Lowe?

That's a Google image search for me for later on. That's your homework. OK, so that's about it from us. Not the Weekend Podcast. Oh, dear. Not the Weekend Potsy, which is our new Happy Days-themed podcast, will be available from Wednesday. Mark Crossley's next.

Thank you very much for bearing with us through our technical difficulties. I think the show's been better for it, but that's controversial and not very helpful to the station. It relies on advertisers' money for the upkeep.

So just forget I said that. Anyway, if the good lord spares us and the greeks the greeks don't rise oh no no revolutionary talk it's gone so wrong so wrong at the end and the greeks don't rise we'll be back this time next week with adverts um goodbye absolute radio with frank skimmer