The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Non Believer

Episode Date: May 5, 2012

This week, Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. They discuss the hairy bikers, Frank's cabbie and Emily's trip to India.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean.

Hi, Frank. Hello. And if you want to text, I'll get the text in early, shall I? Yeah, go on. You can text us on 8-12-15. Why don't you start for a change? Why is it always us that has to come up with something to talk about? Don't antagonise

them this early on. Speaking of I watched the Hairy Bikers the other night. Have you ever seen the Hairy Bikers? You like them? I've got a soft spot for them. My entire watching experience was spoiled by the fact that I was thinking, shouldn't

they have to have some sort of bonnets on? Bonnets? Are you allowed to be that hairy over food? Like a beard net. I had a real awareness of bits of horrible hair getting in. They were making like a bread thing. Yeah. Oh, is that what they do? Do they cook?

I thought they just went around on bikes. They do cook. I didn't know they had a job. Well, they shouldn't cook. I like them. They should not be allowed in any kind of catering establishment. But surely if they were... Completely on-court.

Even as customers. If they wear bonnets and, like, those beard masks, they'll look like politicians that have been forced to go to a factory. You know, that way. Yeah, but I don't want hairy bikers literally in my food. Hairy biker pie. You don't want that. I couldn't see it falling, but I had a sense.

I know what you mean. Yeah. There'll be collateral damage. I'm really amazed that that's allowed to happen. There's television. Much more risky things happen. Have you seen Wipeout? That's really dangerous.

Well, I would rather fall off a big ball than eat something that's got the cuticle of a hairy biker attached to it. Imagine it. Anyway. I never knew they cooked. Well, I never.

They're leaning over food with their terrible hairy faces. They keep their jackets on and things. In a kitchen? Disgusting. Well, no, they're often outdoors. They often cook outdoors. Cook outdoors? Yeah, so when the wind gets in that bit, you can imagine that the wind falls.

Hair. Anyway, that's the hairy bikers. Hairy bikers. Hair, summed up. The hairy bikers section of the show. Speaking of which, I went to a place called Relax. I don't know, I'm just having complete of which, I went to a place called Relax. I don't know, I'm just having complete word association. I went to a place called Relax.

I don't like where this story's going. No, I was meeting my girlfriend there. She was getting her eyebrows done. Oh, lovely. Threaded? I don't know what she was getting done. Threaded or waxed? I didn't ask.

OK, I'll find out. Upturned, I think. Upturned in order to look flame-like. All right. No, and it's called Relax. And a woman went in and she said, would you like... Are you coming for a treatment? And I thought I could actually say that Frankie's gone to...

Frankie's gone to Relax for a Hollywood. Oh, God. It was worth it. I was going to have for a Hollywood. Oh, God. It was worth it. I was going to have one just for the remark, but I thought I'll do the remark anyway, as if it's something that might have been, rather than actually have to have it done. Yeah, I don't recommend the procedure, Frank.

No, what I do for the hairy bikers, I should get their faces Hollywooded. We've had a text in from 560. I agree with the hairy bikers having to wear beard bonnets. The man in my local Gregg's has a hairnet on his face. We're quite right. There you go. Absolutely quite right.

To be fair, he is a samurai warrior. They got him in because he's a lovely dicer. Very good at chopping. He does all the vegetables for the pasties. He's dicing with death, we'll say that. I've said it. I want to tell you about an incredible journey I had. I wasn't with two dogs and a cat, if that's what you're thinking.

Do you remember Incredible Journey? Oh, yeah, of course I do. I love that film. One of the great Disney films. And I, generally speaking, hate Disney films. That's nice. All the full-length animations, you know, all the classics. Terrible.

That's fine. You can't just say, all the classics. Terrible. You know, badly drawn, cold-hearted characters, generally. There's no loving them. Absolute. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've been talking about the hairy bikers this morning. Of course, yes. I think it's disgusting and unhygienic

that there are lads in the kitchen without covering their hairiness. And I didn't even know they were cooks. I thought they were just like the White Power Ranger, like celebrities and just turned up to premieres. When I say their hairiness, And I didn't even know they were cooks. I thought they were just like the White Power Ranger, like celebrities and just turned up to premieres. When I say their hairiness, that isn't a thing like Your Highness. Yes, Your Hairiness, please come into my kitchen. It's their actual suit faces and upper heads. We've had lots of texting on 8.12.15, though.

We, the hairy bikers, haven't we, Alan? Yes. We've had... Did you think he was going to say what one of them was? No, I thought he might be then, I thought I haven't been here for a week and I... You can catch that ball if you throw it, we've had one from Ian Angel

or Angle, however He's the man who insisted on being called Angel I got it wrong last week so he's put Ian Angel or Angle, however Alan wants to pronounce it He's still touchy about it A week on you'd think he'd have cooled I got it wrong last week, so he's put Ian Angel or Angle, however Alan wants to pronounce it. He's still touchy about it. Indeed, a week on, you'd think he'd have cooled.

And FYI, Alan's name is spelt with a U, thank you. I wasn't going to bring that up. There's no need for Ian Angle to be so obtuse. He's saying they could do mustachio ice cream for pudding. Oh! Ian! That makes me think of a Laurel and Hardy film. What's the Laurel and Hardy? Yeah, it's the one when they go into...

I'll have the mustachio. Yeah. We're out. When he says the one that they don't have is the chocolate, you see. That's right. And he asks for chocolate about four times. Yeah. We've had another text in about the Harry Bikers.

Soda. And what will you have, Stanley? I'll have a soda. One minute, please. Carry on. Fresh fish caught in the ocean this morning. Carry on. How long is this Laurel and Hardy tribute going to go on?

Sadly, I'm guessing which films as well, and I know. How sad am I? No more Laurel and Hardy this morning. OK. 785. When you first said the hairy biker should be wearing bonnets, I thought you meant to make them look like Victorian ladies. An image I find hilarious.

Yeah, I'd like to see them as Victorian ladies. They could even go further in talking high voices. I don't wish to sound sexist, but I thought that's the point you were getting at. Not that I'm saying you're sexist either. Oh, God, we're so touchy nowadays. I never even thought for a moment... It's just the joy of a long text, isn't it? That people could talk themselves out of what they were originally texting.

At no point. When somebody said, the Victorian lady look for the hairy bikers, I didn't think, sexist. I never thought that, yeah. Bang out of order. I just thought, oh, you're having a nice bit of custard, and you think, what's this?

Oh, oh, a bit of beard. Disgusting. So, um, I'd gone in a cab. Actually, I hailed a cab the other day. Oh, hanging out with Dracula again. That's what you do in a cab actually I hailed a cab the other day oh hanging out at Dracula again that's what you do with a cab you hail it

so I raised my hand and there was two cabs coming down the road one with the light on and one with the light off and as you may know the light off means they're not available anyway the one with the light off stopped which never happens if they don't have the light on. So that surprised me.

Unless it's Stephen Fry driving it. It wasn't. Oh, OK. Au contraire. So I got in and this bloke said, all right, Frank. And I said, all right, fair enough, in a London cabbie, that's what they're like.

And he said, my name's Tony. I said, all right, nice to meet you. Get lost. And then it turned out that he was... Do you ever watch a programme called Seven Up? Oh, yeah, one of my favourites. It's one of the great documentaries of all time, Seven Up. It took a bunch of children when they're seven

and then again when they're 14 and 21 and we've followed their lives ever since. It was before documentaries got rubbish. It was a sort of social experiment. Yeah, it was good. It was based on the old thing, give me a child until he's seven and I will give you an enormous court case.

Oh, right. Yeah, so anyway, we got in the car and he said, yeah, yeah, Frank, you'll love this, you'll love this. And he put the music on very, I mean, really loud. I was with my pregnant girlfriend in the back and he really cranked it off. And he put Three Lions on, which some of you may know is a song I was somewhat associated with.

But it was so loud that people in the street were looking at the cab that was playing Three Lions. And I was in it. And it was a bit difficult. It must have felt like a dream if you were walking past. Oh, I thought, should I wave? Yeah. Is this like...

You know, Roy Hodgson had just been named England manager. I thought, should he... This is like the Queen's Jubilee. It's the sort of Roy Hodgson regatta. Here comes the first vehicle in the Roy Hodgson parade. It's Frank Skinner. Oh, man. Andrew and Charles in a car behind.

Car behind, right? And anyway, so he was a man. This guy, he was the jockey. I don't know if you, what, seven up? There was a jockey in it. He's just a wannabe jockey. Yeah, and then he became a jockey for a bit and now he's a cabbie.

And, oh my goodness me, it was one of the great cab journeys of my life. Oh, good. It was just, he played, then he played Back Home, the 1970 England, again, absolutely full blast. And then he played a very very very loud clip of Max Miller the comedian

How long were you in this cab for? We just drove round and round and then he wouldn't take the full fare at the end he goes give us a tenner you're alright it was amazing so we listened to Max Miller at the Wood Green Empire in 1937

and then we had to sing along to Max Miller doing a song I've never heard before called Be Sincere. Oh, man, it's the most cockney experience I've ever had in my whole life. It was such a cockney experience, I actually had two days in bed with cockle poisoning. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about the hairy bikers

having their hair out whilst cooking, and 870 has texted in, how about some beard and butter pudding? See, do you know what I like about that? It's exactly the same letters, but all he's done is shuffled one along. Bread and butter pudding, beard and butter pudding? See, do you know what I like about that? It's exactly the same letters, but all he's done is shuffled one along. Bread and butter pudding, beard and butter pudding. Very elegant.

Anagram they call that. What? An anagram? Yeah. I thought they just called it a pun, but it's an elegant pun, isn't it? It's an anagrammatic pun. Oh, right, okay, good. I love that little exchange.

Ian Angel. He's back again. Was that 7-up broke still sprightly oh he's on fire this morning the angel taxi drivers have often got a connection to fame I had a taxi driver in Manchester that told me that he was on the cusp of being a Bollywood music star

on the cusp he'd been out there several times and he was a nice bloke and cool and I've not had him again. You think he's made it? I'm assuming he's gone. And you've not heard of him since? I've not heard of him since. How many cab drivers in Manchester

are there? About nine. Hey, here's a question. Do you ever take a dislike to a taxi driver and get them to drop you off around the corner from your own home? Uh, no. Oh really? I do. Oh, because you think I don't need to know where I live? Do you ever take a dislike to a taxi driver and get them to drop you off around the corner from your own home? No. Oh, really? I do. Because you think I don't need to know where I live? Yeah, I've got a natural suspicion.

Sometimes if there's been a bit of tension on the journey, like if they've said something and I've disagreed with them or said, can you just tell me why there's extras on the fare, please, mate? Like that sort of thing. Oh, this is what it's coming down to, really, Frank. I get a bit like, oh, I think I'm just going to... Skinflint Cockerel again. Skinflint Cockerel.

I'm not a Skinflint Cockerel. I love that album. Yeah. It's early in the fall. No, I've never done that, but I'll bear it. Often I get in a black cab and they say, oh, no, you live by a black cab. They know where I live anyway, so there's not much.

I am mentioned on the dog tour. Apparently so, yeah. Do you know, I'm so proud of that's not much. I am mentioned on the dog tour. Apparently so, yeah. Do you know, I'm so proud of that. Thank you. Makes me well up. Frank, I'd like to talk about... Are you familiar with the work of Chris Packham? Oh, God, I've worked with Chris Packham.

Worked with them all. CPAC? You've worked with CPAC? Yeah, six-pack. Yeah, I've worked with him. I like to think we broke him on Room 101. We broke him to a wider audience, apart from the natural history enthusiasts. I always call them naturists, but that's something entirely different. What did you say? You upset many fathers?

Success has many fathers. Oh, yeah. There is an orphan. He might have upset many fathers. I know I have. He's a sort of hunky wildlife presenter isn't he but would you describe him as waistcoat and waistcoat and highlights is he honky oh yeah he was very much so a bit of a pin-up but he looks like a handsome man a painting of a handsome man where the paint has dripped a bit on the mouth

it's run a bit on them just a little bit on the mouth. It's run a bit, just a little bit on the mouth made it slightly go into one side. Anyway. In the same way as the woman from... Was it Mad About The Girl? Was that the name of the band or Mad About The Boy? Everything with the girl, Tracy Thorne perhaps? She looked like a Paul McCartney candle

that had been burning for about three hours. Anyway. Oh, dear. It's good to be back. Anyway, Chris Packham. Yeah, so CPAC has been talking about foxes. Well, he's got himself into a bit of a water. Oh, yeah.

Now I read about this. Did you read what he said? He said he doesn't believe, and those were his exact words, in urban fox attacks. No. He says, he actually says, as for attacks on humans, I'll be diplomatic. I don't believe it. Yeah, not that diplomatic, Chris. I'd love to see him when he's being undiplomatic.

Exactly. I mean, we've covered fox attacks on humans on this very programme, if you remember. Remember that woman who said she was in bed or something and the fox came in the bedroom? Yeah. And I said it was my fantasy. Yeah. All right, we did it in our own tenor. And at the time, I think we were a bit unsure,

but Chris is absolutely the sweeping generalisation. There are no fox attacks on human beings. Yeah. Full stop. I mean, he knows about animals. He does. He's a straight shooter. He might be right you know

i also think their endorsement of online bingo is a hollow sham that's what i think they might not even be interested no i think that does they're just doing it for the money i should declare an interest here because you know my love of foxes you know i love them. Yes. Especially in a purple waistcoat. Well, we've got one that lives on our underground car park. Have you? Oh, God, yeah. Oh, hanging around your bins. I didn't know that. Well, I was told that he gets on the bonnets of the car.

I say he, I've never got that close. But he gets on the bonnets of the cars after you park your car in the winter because the bonnet's still warm. Oh, yeah, yeah. Not the sort of bonnet worn by the hairy bikers. The hood, the hood of the car. Isn't the English language rich? Yeah.

But from reading that article, it turns out they've got sarcoptic mange, most of the urban foxes, and that's put me off the one in the car park. It's not an aphrodisiac, let's face it. No, I don't like the idea of the sarcoptic mange bobbling like a bowl of minestrone on top of my car. On your car.

The bacteria bobbling in his veins. It's going to be a different winter for him this year, isn't it? It is. I'll tell you what I liked about this was the idea that he just didn't believe in it. I thought that was a brilliant statement to make. I don't believe in it. Like a kid.

No, I think that there is something amazing about that. In the same way that I don't believe in it. Like a kid. No, I think that there is something amazing about her. In the same way that I don't believe in Richard Dawkins. It's a nice blend of sort of educated and bloke in pub. Like, no, I'm not having that. Yeah, but he's absolutely, he's a very 100% kind of a bloke, Chris Packham. He doesn't have sort of grey area thoughts. He's like one way or the other.

And I like him for that. He's a straight talker. Do you know what I'm not sure I believe in? You know, on the motorway where it says average speed camera, I think that is the modern version of the TV licence detector van. Yes. You know, they pretended that they had a detector. The two blokes playing cards inside.

Yes. At a small table. I'm now convinced that they've just gone... People have stopped reacting to speed cameras. They break and then they speed back up again. Why don't we pretend that we can take an average and they'll all drive at 50? Yeah, you know, I think you might be right.

I'm convinced of it. Because I ignore them anyway. Nobody I know has ever been done for an average speed. Watch this, the switchboard will blob up now with people going, I have, I've got this. But I'm convinced. Well, I haven haven't and i seldom do less than 95 make of that what you will frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio

right we've been talking about um chris packham saying he didn't believe in urban fox attacks. And then we started talking more about things we don't believe in. What was yours, Al? Speed cameras or something? Average speed cameras. Average speed cameras. Not having it. You see, I don't believe in dust mites. I just don't believe there's any such thing. It's rubbish.

I should have had it with a beautiful song. I don't believe in dust mites. No, but they don't. Why don't we know anything a beautiful song i don't believe in dust why don't we know anything about them i don't believe in dust my little things in everything we see it's a ball of dust there's no they haven't got any personality or any distinguishing characteristics that's not a creature in there that's just dust and if you don't have a microscope you basically have to take their word for it. Exactly, which I refuse to do. You know who could give you the definitive answer on this? Chris Packham.

He knows about the animals. He'd be all over this. Does he go that small, though? I don't know. Do you think it's like no job too small? I think he's got a limit. I think he might go for, let's say, a vole. Nothing below a vole. Yeah, I'd a vole oh yeah this far and no further bigger than a lion smaller than a vole don't do either of those

i think yeah that's that's his glass ceiling the vole that's my view daisy our producer had a good i don't believe in what didn't you dave daisy, I'm going to speak for Daisy because she doesn't like to get too close to the microphone, but Daisy doesn't believe that it ever gets warm in an igloo. I think that's right. That's probably right, isn't it? Yes, of course it's right. If you see them in an igloo, when I say um, I mean the Inuit.

Very good, Frank. The Inuit, they've still got their furs on often. It's not like they've just got, you know... You're so right. I never see footage of them saying to each other, you know you're not going to feel the benefit of that when you go outside. Never. There's never that bit of documentary.

In fact, if you see pictures of Inuits talking outside and then pictures of Inuits sitting in igloo talking, the only difference is the igloo. You're right, Frank. I sometimes think the igloo's just been painted in. And when do you ever see them wearing an England supporter three-quarter leg trouser? Doesn't happen. And that hole that they put in the ice,

the very, very neat circular hole, it's obviously been done. Beautifully shaped. They obviously have a compass from somewhere. You couldn't get a circle that good. Why go out if it's nice and warm in the igloo? You could do that in the ice under the igloo. You could have the fish circle in the corner.

Yeah, then it's right next to the cookie. Can I ask you something about Inuits? You may or may not know the answer. Probably not. But do they have like, you know, we talk about when we get home and we change into our Jimmy Jam sort of slobby, slobbing out gear. Do they have slobbing out Inuit gear? They must do.

It's too cold in the Igloo. I'm going to put my comfy furs on. That's what I mean. These ones are a bit sort of starchy. Do they have the equivalent of a tracksuit, which is like an Inuit tracksuit? They get in the Igloo and then they have to put another layer on. It's so absolutely freezing.

And they're sitting there saying, how much longer are we going to keep up this ridiculous, hollow pretense that this operates as some sort of warm, cosy home, when in fact we just might as well be outside? What do you think? Nanook. That's the only Inuit name I know. Hank, I tell you, I was once informed by a matron at school she said um i'm not doing it

i'm not doing it carry on i mean people are shouting it at their radio let them let them shout this was my matron yeah and she said when i said i had a headache and i was about 12 and she said you're too young to get headaches dear and do you know what i think she had a headache when I was about 12, she said, you're too young to get headaches, dear. And do you know what? I think she had a point. So I don't believe that anyone under the age of about 18 is entitled to have a headache or gets a headache. That's a good point, yeah. Remember, there's no such thing.

We had a bit of a dispute earlier once because I don't believe in fainting. Do you remember that? I don't believe. I honestly don't. I think there's a moment where you think, shall I faint or shall I not faint? Yeah, go on, you do it.

You actually, you ham it up a bit. It's like DDA Drogba going down in the penalty area. In the end, it's your decision. I've never fainted and I never will. I'd like to know what our beautiful listeners don't believe in that a lot of people do. Kick God out of it. That could be a long and heated debate.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've been asking you, our listeners, what you don't believe in, which is commonly believed in. And I'm going to change tack a little bit here. I'm going to break into new territory. I think I'm going to have a go at somebody that's texted in. Oh, dear. Careful.

Stephen from Bury. Hi, Frank. Average speed cameras. I said that I didn't believe in average speed cameras. I think they're the modern TV licensed detective van. Average speed cameras have caught thousands on the M60 near Stockport where the speed limit is 50 miles per hour Stephen Beck I live near there

I don't know you but I don't think you know thousands of people Stephen Stephen's been kind enough to text him if he texted saying I know three people I might have given him a bit of ground maybe he's read it in the local press.

Oh, yeah, the South Manchester Reporter. Just to fill up, they're probably listing it, all of them. Well, yeah, who knows? Yeah, I don't. We've had Daisy, our producer, she's featured quite a lot on this show, just noted. Daisy said she doesn't believe that ig igloos are warm inside yes and we've had a text in from keith not our keith another keith who says i made a charity igloo

two years ago and the temperature difference inside was 15 degrees higher than outside i did fail to catch any fish as it was on my lawn google it southwater igloo to see it take care keith oh lovely what a take care element. Built it on his lawn. You see, what he could have done is had a hole in the corner and caught worms. Yeah. And then caught fish with those. Just a step back down the food chain.

You don't have to give up. Just step back. Just step back a little bit. Perhaps he was tired after his igloo building and he just felt a bit defeatist. Yeah, I imagine it's... I mean, do you do it with gloves or without gloves? Igloo building? Yeah. I don't know.

It'd be quite manly to do it without gloves, wouldn't it? One of those blokes that has snowball fights with his kids with just no gloves. Oh, with the red raw hands. I hate them. I think they're... Red hands. I think they're legends.

They're very big mitten wearers, the Inuits. Yes, they are. Because if you're making your own gloves, you're not going to do individual things. Forget about it. I'll just do the mittens. I've got other stuff to do. I've got socks to make after this.

Oh, Dad, can't we have individual... No! Now, get inside. It's too hot out here Paul says I don't believe Jose Mourinho is really Portuguese controversial and when he gets home he speaks

in a Geordie accent with a tin of special brew I'd like to believe that, I'll tell you what I don't understand and someone will probably explain this for years I got quite proud of the fact when I started calling foreign people Jose and calling them

Jose, I thought, yeah, that's sophistication. I know everyone calls him Jose Mourinho. Right. Now what, do Portuguese not have the I don't know. Are they sure? Sandy War is giving me the thumbs up, that's correct, They have no in Portugal.

Oh. I think I've seen it on the pavement. In Lisbon, Daisy, our producer, also, can I say, doesn't believe in sleepwalking. I love that. I'll tell you what I don't believe in. I don't believe that anyone has ever at any time approached an actor from a soap opera

in a way which suggests they actually believe that that character is a real person. What, when you hear them saying, oh, people keep coming up to me saying... Yeah, people say to me, why don't you leave Deidre alone? I get a lot of that. You don't.

That's never happened to you or anyone else that's ever been in a soap. That is something that you've invented to make it sound like you're such a good actor. You convince people that you really are that character, but you are not. I'm not saying you're not a good actor, but that has never happened.

Stop saying it. It's one of my views. Also, I don't believe it takes two to tango. When I first moved down, I got my own place, first time in Birmingham, got a bed seat. I had an album by Asta Piazzolla.

Do you know him? No. He's an accordion player. Plays a lot of Argentine-based music. I used to tango on my own to him on a regular basis. So stick that in your South American pipe and wiggle it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. Morning. I left it like I was going to say something else, but I didn't. You can text us on 8-12-15, by the way. They have. Yeah, we've been talking about things you don't believe in that a lot of other people

do believe in. Mm-hmm. I said that I didn't believe in average speed cameras. People have been... You've been firm. You've been very firm about it. I have been firm about it

and I'm now faced with... Sandy has printed off a story. Sandy War has stepped in. She came in with that piece of paper like Neville Chamberlain. Yeah, she's the woman with the facts. Over 3,300 people have been caught speeding on one of Scotland's busiest

trunk roads. But now I feel a bit like a creationist that even in the face of this empirical evidence I'm still saying no, I'm not having it. I'm not having it. Because we don't know that this is right, do we? This could just be a news story that is propaganda on behalf of the average speed camera people. We don't know that this is right. do we? This could just be a news story. It's propaganda on behalf of the average speed camera people.

We don't know that this is right. This is giving me an insight into what Mrs Cockrell has to deal with. How many people were caught? 3,300, it says. In Scotland? Yeah, and like 200 grand worth of fines. That's quite a lot at all.

It is quite a lot. Yeah, it's quite a lot for them to write. In Scotland? Nobody's met them all. Surely 90% of them were drinking and driving. Minimum. That is so astute. Racist.

Frank 208, Simon from Oxford. I don't believe a swan has ever broken a man's arm. Bring me the swan and the arm for proof. That's a good point. Wow. You need to speak to Helena Bonham Carter, who's pictured in today's paper wearing a swan hat. I thought she was wearing a sling.

That's unlike her. Broken arm. Some of you may know that the swan is my second favourite creature on the earth. We've also had an email in, quite a lengthy email, which I really like. Hiya, Frank, Em and Alan. I never believe that people who read books uber-fast are really getting it. Do they enjoy, remember or really digest any of it? Is that why a writer slaves over his keyboard for months or years

so someone can speed-read their masterpiece? I bet they're missing out big chunks. I'm a slow reader because I like to savour the stuff, which is why I read. I remember you saying it takes you a long time to finish a book too. I'm reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Even the title takes five minutes to get through. The thing I like about that is that I had to stop what I was doing and really concentrate on reading that email.

So he's achieved that. It's great. Well done, Julie. I bought Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance that email so he's achieved that it's great it's well done julie i bought well i bought um zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance and i read it in probably 10 minutes i mean the amount of it which i was able to read before i thought i don't want to read this anymore yeah but it's one of those books i feel i might have another crack at right because i like the sound of it do you know what i mean yes i think i've read the start of the same book. I like the look of it. It's a good book to be reading on the tube,

as opposed to Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them. That's not a good look. No. Or One To Expect When You're Expecting. Oh, yeah. That's not a good look for me. Genuinely, this may be pushing the boundaries, but I saw a woman in a very low-cut top reading a book

saying how to do well in job interviews that can't be true you're sure that wasn't a seaside passcard? Absolutely true it happened and I thought if I tell people this they'll think I'm some kind of horrible misogynist or sexist but it was great, it was really funny

did you just rip it in half and say you don't need that love? exactly, you've done it the trouble with that is what you really wanted to do was take a secret photo but if you were caught taking a secret photo who's going to believe

it was for comic purposes oh my god that would be awful oh this is like when pre and post political correctness worlds collide Frank we've had some more texting about things people don't believe in This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've had some more texting about things people don't believe in. Yes. Which we've been talking about this morning. Mike says, hi Frank and Co, I don't believe in jet lag. You're just a bit tired. Ooh, I think, okay. Controversial. I think I've had jet lag, but I don't want to argue with Mike

when he's in this kind of boisterous mood with uh katherine has texted emailed um uh hi frank cockrell and lovely emily i don't believe that people who have absolutely no control over how loud they snore staying in university halls and i know the girl in the room next to me does it just to get on my nerves my wife thinks that i snore thinks she thinks you don't believe it i occasionally wake up in the middle of the night to a punch in the ribs i have had that i have thought because i've very i've snored about three times in my entire relationship with my girlfriend and when she's told me i've always thought i bet i didn't i bet she just felt

welcome in the night remembered something i said in 2004 she didn't. I bet she just felt, woke up in the night, remembered something I said in 2004, she didn't, like, hit me, and then had to come up with the old snoring excuse. Because you don't know if you've snored, do you? You have to absolutely take their word for it. Yeah. It's a lot of trust involved with snoring. Too much trust, some might say.

Frank Simon Evans says, I once knew a guy who didn't believe in badgers. He thought that he'd never seen one, that it was a trick or something by David Attenborough in the BBC Wildlife Department. Now, I spent nine and a half weeks in Canada and never once saw a moose. Oh, careful with that period of time. Nine and a half weeks, yeah.

There's a film about it. I was going to say. Yeah. And that was the disappointing sequel, nine and a half weeks in Canada. Yeah, exactly. And I never saw a moose. And they all kept talking to me about moose

and I was thinking, you haven't got moose. This is, it's a tourist thing. It's like when Scottish people tell Americans that haggis run around in the highlands. Do they? There's no moose. I used to think that there was only English as a language

and all the rest was like, that when you went to Italy and stuff, when you walked past, they went, and when you went to Italy and stuff, when you walked past it went and when you went round the corner, he's gone. We can talk normally. But I don't know if that's... Frank, can I talk about my holiday? Sex addiction, I don't believe in that.

I've been wanting to talk about my holiday. Don't you believe in that? No. If Hitler had said, sorry, I'm a violence addict, would you have said, oh, it's actually an illness? Rubbish. Frank, I've been violence addict. Would you have said, oh, it's actually an illness? Rubbish. Frank, I've been wanting to talk about my holiday all morning. OK, I do it. I've kept it in out of politeness.

But I've got a lot to say. I've been to India. Lenny Henry was really brilliant as a fellow. What? You don't believe it? I still don't believe it. Frank! I must have read ten reviews that said he was brilliant. But I still can't be right, can I?

I think he must have been. He did get good reviews. Fantastic reviews. What has that got to do with my trip to Mumbai, Delhi? I don't believe in India. Why did Bombay become Mumbai? Funny you should say that, Frank. Because I have started calling it Bombay now

because all the locals called it Bombay it's very uncool to say Mumbai when you're over there that's what tourists say yeah that's what tourists say you have to say Bombay. I went to Bombay I went to Delhi I went to Jaipur I went to Udaipur which is part of Rajasthan. Blimey been around haven't you? How dare you but it was quite a posh trip. I was being hosted. Is that a polite way of saying it? Being hosted. Don't make me say it was kind of a freebie. That's alright. It's part of your job, isn't it?

What do you... Poppadom do you make? Yeah. But the hotel that I stayed in... Can I ask you a question? Yes. I don't like those lakes. You know the fat lakes that you stayed in... Can I ask you a question? Yes. I don't like those lakes. You know the fat lakes that you get in Poppadoms?

In Poppadoms. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. What they should be is they should be concave. They should look like a cyclist's helmet. Yeah. And then all the fat would run off the edges. Instead, they have those... Those fat lakes.

The lakes, yeah. Really, it's turning them over, isn't it? That's what you're suggesting there. Rather than going concave, convex. Yeah, but I mean, I'd get mine in a stack. So if you turn them over, you just run it on to the next one. I made naan while I was out there. They were lovely.

Did you really? Yes, I did. Did you? I hope you wore a bonnet. But the hotel that I was staying in was so posh that they laid on the services of a butler. Wow. I know, Frank.

Wow. A dedicated butler. He was amazing. For my entire stay there. Santander. He was lovely. Oh. Spanish?

No. Indian. He was called Santander. Was he? Yes. Did he used to be called Abbey National? He was bought out. Did you insist on the butler thing when you agreed to this job?

No. I thought there might be a Santander clause. All right, so he was an Indian character. Yes, he was lovely. He was very devoted, though. A bit too devoted. I'm picturing him with a turban with a jewel Disney turban and a plume emanating really?

you could be on the right line brilliant that's what you want and dedicated well a bit too dedicated because the first morning I woke up and I heard a trickling water and it was Santander

standing next to me pouring my tea oh my god the shock of my life he was filling a zinc bath at the side of your bed. Would madam like to step into this? He wouldn't let me do a thing. Oh, wow. I'd say he'd say... Is that a euphemism?

Well, he'd say, let me iron that dress. I'd say, no, Santander, I can't let you do that. Santander. You're out of your mind. He'd say, no, madam, please, it upsets me to see you do that. Santander. You're out of your mind. He'd say no madam please. Please it upsets me to see you do it. I mean wowee.

So I said okay then. Yeah I don't want you getting upset. Go on. I didn't want him unpacking my things so I drew the line there. Yeah. I need some privacy. Well also it's a security thing isn't it? You don't want to get back to the airport and they say did you pack these bags yourself and you security thing, isn't it? You don't want to get back to the airport and they say, did you pack these bags yourself? And you say, Santander did.

And you don't want him preparing food with a feather in the hat unless he covers it in one of those elasticated shoe covers that one sometimes has to wear at the swimming baths. Oh, yeah. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio we were talking about my butler on Absolute Radio

I should say I don't always have the services of a butler much to my chagrin but I did briefly have that whilst I was over in India Santander and Santander. Yeah. And Santander, as we were saying, you know, he would run my bath. He wanted to unpack. He was just always there.

I had a red buzzer by my bed and I just pressed for Santander. You sure? That wasn't the chamber maid. The help button. You've got to watch pressing red buttons over there. You're going to offend a lot of people. He was there within two minutes. If you pressed it, I would say about 20 seconds.

I wonder what he did in the meantime. Well, that's what I wonder. Was he just in a cupboard? No. I bet he had a pool table like the fireman. That's the way to feel. If you're on call, you want a pool table, do you? For me, you're not going to get through many frames with me around.

And if you had to make a quick note, did he take the feather out of his turban and write with that? That would have been brilliant, wouldn't it? Did he really have a feather in the turban? No, I don't know if there was a feather. There was ceremony. They wore them. That's a more formal thing.

Yes, there's a jewel. Yeah, exactly. But when he's unpacking for me and ironing my clothes, oh, I sound terrible. Can I just ask logistically, when he runs your bath, does he then say, I'm going to leave you now for a while, madam? Or do you have to say, OK, go on, out you go. Why would I put on that pathetic voice? Well, why not? Do what you like. But, like, is it not slightly uncomfortable?

Because I feel a bit uncomfortable if people are too... Like, I don't like it in hotels when they say, would you like me to carry your bags for you? And I think, no, I could carry my own bags. The reason you say that, because you don't want to give them a pen you have to leave quite a big tip when you've got a butler and you put it in an envelope you could they can't because they'll refuse it i said to santander can i leave you something you no madam no i mean see i would have took that as final okay fair enough well great no here's a

hearty handshake he said he said your thanks is enough Well, great. No, it was a hearty handshake. He said, your thanks is enough, your pleasure is enough. I mean, it was so lovely. So what you're meant to do, though, your thanks isn't enough, actually. No, of course not.

What you're meant to do is leave a significant amount in an envelope. I'm desperate to know how much. I'll tell you after the show. 45 pence. 45 pence. Well, I mean, over there.

Yeah, exactly mean over there. Over there? Over there? New travelogue starring Frank Skinner, over there. Did you have a ponker waller? No. I encountered a tri-waller, though. I wanted to have my photo taken with him, but he didn't like me.

Anyway, so Santander you know that's a pulled a big they're like a big fan and they pull a string that it keeps you oh no but frank i got i had a punk koala once telling me his father was a heating engineer and he was a bit of a rebel just went against him frank i got so lazy i've never was it a lie i've never had a big fan in my bedroom. Oh, my God. That's definitely a lie. I've never sat under a big fan in my bedroom, ever. Frank, it's been the first time.

I know. I'm actually polishing it. That's what I'm doing. Can you believe it? We should move on. We should move on. Shall we have music and then come back to India? Yeah.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, meanwhile, in the bedroom with Santander, although not with Santander, because this is when I realised how lazy I'd got, Frank. And I'm worried about even sharing this with you, because I know you get class war about Ask Jeeves, so I don't know what you're going to say about this.

But I was lying in bed. Don't panic, it's clean. And I suddenly, I thought, oh, what do I do with reading a book? I just fancy, you know, I always like to read before I go to bed. And I just thought, I can't be bothered to go into the other room to get my book.

I can't be bothered to go into the other room to get my book. I can't be bothered to go into the drawing room to get the book. Yeah. Red button? Well, I thought about the red button, and then I did feel guilty. I thought, I can't ask him that. So you know what I did? I've never done this. I opened the bedside drawer, and I thought, I'll just read whatever's in there. Gideon's Bible?

No. The autobiography of the chairman of the hotel group I was staying in. Really? I read three chapters of it. It was actually quite interesting. Really? Yes. I'd have pressed the red button if I'd had the choice.

But it made me... How lazy is that, Frank? Well, I once... In Greece, I stayed in a villa, not as posh as you might think, that was owned by Boris Johnson's dad. Oh. And when you walked in, there was a book on the table. I thought, that's really news, there's a book on the table.

And it was his dad's autobiography. So, you know, read this. Yeah, his dad was, his job description of his dad is an adventurer. Oh. Which sounds like something that Vauxhall might have brought out in the 1970s, doesn't he? The Voxel adventurer. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What else? Well, I'll tell you what else, Frank. Oh, firstly, I do want to discuss The Scream scream because i don't know if you heard did you hear that yeah i can only apologize i always do that about midway through hungry heart it was the springs thing brings it out no but it sold for it was 74 million it sold for to some kind of record yeah 74 million yeah that oh no sorry we took about how much I left in my butler's envelope

the scream is in case you don't know it's a painting by Edvard Munch which I've always thought would be a great name for a breakfast cereal oh a nice bowl of Edvard Munch of course I suppose of the artists

Francis Bacon has cornered the market on me breakfast based names sorry I mean Of the artists, Francis Bacon has cornered the market on the breakfast-based names. Sorry. I mean, it's much loved, this painting. It's mostly by sort of adolescents really like the screen. I was going to say, it's the catcher in the rye of the art world. Yeah, it is. It's teenagers really like it because I suppose they always have that internal scream.

Catcher in the Rye is more sociopaths and killers, isn't it? Isn't it found in the houses of... Or it just could be that there's a lot of copies of Catcher in the Rye around. No, it's a rite of passage 15-year-old boy book, isn't it? But this painting, I find, I've always found rather babyish, if I may use an art term there. I think the character doing the screaming looks a bit like the cockerel.

All right. I can sometimes do a bit of that. No, but not your screaming, but the face, it does look like a sort of, yeah, it looks like you. When you did that face, it really did look... Oh, it does look like you, cockerel. It does. Imagine if the cockerel had, say, bought a jumper

and then three shops further on saw it with £5 cheaper. Oh! That would be the expression. I wouldn't be a picture of the scream. It would be the incandescent with rage. That's what that would be. It'd be a different face.

But you see, would that be his expression? And this is my issue with the scream, with said scream. People, stop doing the scream, Cockerell. It's actually scaring me. People don't do a perfect O with said scream. People... Stop doing the scream, Cockroach. It's actually scaring me. People don't do a perfect O when they scream. It's anatomically incorrect and inaccurate. And I won't have that in art.

Well, I don't know. I've got a doll at home. Oh, dear. Extraordinary beginning to an anecdote. And she does that perfect O. Oh! I'm terribly sorry. Shall we move on? I can't, actually. Can you not move on? What are we doing now, then?

This is quite difficult. I saw somebody on the tube the other day on the escalator stairs who, you know the, I don't know if it's goths or emos or carnies, but you know the kids that get their ears widened where they have their ears pierced and then they

gradually make the holes bigger and bigger. Like a big black disc thing. Yeah, I like it. I think it's cool. I've got one on the back of my neck. Comes up about every three months. What? That's what my black... You know my blackhead I told you about last week? Yes. That's what it looks

like. It looks like a hole. In you. It does when I'm finished. Oh my god. Anyway, I have an Inuit. It does when I'm finished. Oh, my God. Anyway, I have an Inuit sitting on my shoulders, fishing into where my blackhead used to be. This kid on the train had his ears widened, and then he'd taken the earring bit out. Oh, left them flopping.

And so it had drooped. But honestly, his ear looked like the scream. The hole looked like the mouth of the scream. Brilliant. He should have the whole ear tattooed so that it looks exactly like the scream. Well, he's got to think that, you know, two ears on his head, that's, what, 150 million?

Two ears on his head. And he's still rolling along. Yes. Is that a real song? Well, I think it's Three Wheels on My Wagon. It's the original. Yeah, I think I quite like that. I'm all right with the screen.

Yeah, I don't mind it. I'm more a Rembrandt girl myself. Oh, are you? No, they all look like John Sargent, and I like that in the painting. Once again, you've got them too close to the heaters. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we were talking about things we don't believe in earlier. Yes. Extraordinary examples came up, from fainting to speed cameras. Paul Duffy says, I don't believe in democracy. Neither do the 60% of Londoners who couldn't be bothered to vote. Close quotes.

I like that. Photorapathy. I think that's a text from Ben Elton. In 1984. Yes, and he just comes through. There's something wrong with my iPhone. When you said you didn't believe in fainting, someone has emailed saying that they fainted forwards

and broke their nose. This was definitely not something of my choosing to happen. Note to self, when fainting in future, fall backwards. It's a good tip for life, isn't it? Or you can get one of those helmets that the batsmen wear. So if you do go... I think he was just after attention. Is it here or she? I think it's a she. Oh, well, there you go. Yeah. Charlotte Tamblyn.

Charlotte Tamblyn. See, it was a pun on tumbling, wasn't it? She'd do anything for a prank. Charlotte. Charlie, I'd call her. They call them on France. Oh, look. Before the Scream was sold the other day for £114 million or something

The highest price ever paid for a work of art was $106.5 million Paid for Picasso's Nude Green Leaves and Bust Which I've never heard of, Nude Green Leaves and Bust Sounds like my bedroom It sounds like a book by Lynn Tross. It's actually my screensaver. Is it really? No.

Oh. Actually, I'm my screensaver. Of course, yes. That's a whole other story, of course. Yeah, it's... I feel that people are switching off because we're talking about art. Am I right?

I had a terrible moment last week. I realised last week how much you two protect me from the outside world. Because Kerry Godleman was on last week. I realised last week how much you two protect me from the outside world. Because Kerry Godman was on last week. It was absolutely lovely. And at one point she was reading the text and she just said, oh, look at this one, you are boring. And I realised I live like Kim Jong-un,

that you keep outside criticism from me. And the whole show, it nagged at me. And I'd say up to about, well, it's still there. I can still feel like an arrow in my shoulder. So I just want to take this occasion to thank you two for not telling me all the nasty texts and for the people who send nasty texts. Try magic.

You'll love it. So coming up is Mark Crossley and you can download the Not The Weekend podcast which is us again talking might be boring, might not we'll see on Wednesday you see it's nagging at me, I can't let it go

thanks Kerry I don't know why I brought it up again well can't blame her unless she made it up just to get at me no she didn't, I can't blame her unless she made it up. Just to get at me. No, she didn't. I read it as well. Oh, Alan. Well, thank you.

Of course, it might not have been addressed to me. It might have been addressed to you, Alan. It was all of us. No, I think it was me. I felt it was me. I know it was me. Let's face it. Anyway.

Don't do this to yourself. No, it's too late. So, if I bother to come back next week. No, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we will be back next week. And that's about it. What do we do next? We say goodbye.

Oh, yeah, OK. I knew there was a word. Yeah. Mumbai. Oh, no, now I'm on call. Yeah. Mumbai. Oh, no, now I'm on call.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.