The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Olympic Continued

Episode Date: August 11, 2012

Frank is joined by Holly Walsh and Emily Dean. They discuss the latest Olympic news as well as strange places they've fallen asleep, side burns and beauty contests.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel, Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I never know what to say in this bit.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This morning I'm with Emily Dean and Holly Walsh. One boy. Ah, Elvis. Two little girls. Yeah, I want to know what that was. So anyway, you can text us on

81215 if you've got anything at all to say about anything, as long as it's proper and not smotty. And you can follow us on Twitter using at Frank on Absolute. Beautifully done.

Frank's getting into Twitter now. Oh, yeah, I've become a bit of a Twitteratismist. Yeah. Holly, you tweet, don't you? You tweet like there's no tomorrow. I tweet like it's out of fashion. Yeah, I tweet like there's no Tamara Beckwith. Your name is at Tamara Beckwith, too. Yeah. I'm the ph no Tamara Beckwith. Your name is at Tamara Beckwith too.

Yeah. I am. I'm the phony Tamara Beckwith. In fact, I've been tweeting for years on her. I wonder how many people listen to this no Tamara Beckwith is. What would you say as a percentage? Well, there's four of my friends for a start.

Okay. Is she still alive? Oh, yeah. She's still active. She's still practicing. Yeah. Okay. She was one of the IT girls, wasn't she? She was an She's still practising. Yeah. OK. She wasn't one of the hit girls, was she?

She was an original hit girl, yeah. Yeah. I miss her. Were you ever an hit man? I was a hit man once in Los Angeles in the 1970s. I had to kill a businessman, Feinstein. Leo Feinstein, he was called. And there'd been some sort of dalliance with this bloke's wife,

and I had to take him out. Basically, I was in a cafe, he went into a toilet, I went in after him and took the back of his head off. And I put the gun down the toilet, because I thought the police were untouchable now, because it's got wee on it. And it worked. Extraordinary anecdotes.

Anyway, that's the first anecdote of the morning out the way i really hope that's true just just the way you've confessed so openly about it actually maybe i shouldn't have said it on the radio he's styling it out yes it's done now so um apparently it's still the olympics yeah but i'm a bit jealous of you. Yeah, I went. I finally went. You've got to actually go. He's got his bean home. How do you get these opportunities? Well, it's like this. Da-da-da-da-da-da.

I'm a celebrity that makes life easier. I'm a celebrity and that makes life good. I bet you sing that at them when they're trying to tell you you can't get tickets. He shouts it out of his window at home. It's the accompanying dance that always wins them over. So what was it like? It's that jumping up to the side and clicking their heels on the word celebrity. Also the fact you used to be a hitman, that also helps.

I never mention that in interviews. No, I don't know how that's cropped up this morning. Frank, what was it like? It was, well, it was splendid. One thing for a start-off is it was lovely and cosy in the stadium. It wasn't just any old event, we should say. No, but I think it was cosy because there was like a big cauldron of flame in the corner.

I'm starting to think every stadium should have one of those. It was like the world's pilot light lovely open fire next to that yeah it's beautiful i watched that you were wasted not being at the opening ceremony here comes the world's pilot light lit by seven young athletes i just sat and watched the flame or not like it like an old age pension at the fireside getting me legs a bit blotchy you know they sit too close yeah so that was uh what did i went on sunday which was the night of the men's 100 meters oh is there there you go that's quite a glory that's a glamour event isn't it because i can't i can't take 10 seconds of anything so i thought i need things entertaining

things under 10 seconds so i went to that i think I need things, entertaining things on the 10 seconds. So I went to that. I think it should have been done by, like with football, you know, where you have to sort of, if you do loads of away games and really turn up, then you get to go to the good games. Yeah.

Like you should have had to sit through, you know, men's qualifiers for table tennis to win that point. Well, yeah, but you're forgetting that I'm a celebrity. I can't remember how the song went next. I just made it up, obviously. Frank, did you get to go in the lane? I did go in the lane.

He went in the Olympic lane! What was it like? Oh, lovely. Is it like the Yellow Brick Road? Each of the rings, I didn't know, plays a different note when you drive over it. So you've got to be... Do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do.

Yeah, what's that do? Yeah, I've heard that a lot now, that do-do-do-do-do. What, that's Vangelis? Yeah. Are you getting bored of it? Yeah, I don't think it's a very good version they play. Oh, dear. You like the pampite version?

Yeah, that's brilliant the panpipe when the in the peruvian games i don't know if you remember that the panpipe version was absolutely fabulous the panpipes were actually in the shape of the five circles as well if they were yeah they could be adjusted to do that so that when you look down them there was the olympic thing i mean to limit your uh your range a bit but it would mean that you could use it on an ink pad and do little Olympic symbol print-offs. That would be against lock-hog regulations. Oh yeah, you'd be in trouble if you did that. Peru would be closed down, there'd be some sort of a poncho ban.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about the Olympics. Oh, yeah. I'm so gel of you. Is well gel? That's what people say now. Do they? I didn't know that.

Well gel. Oh, I only say that when people have got really hard, spiky hair. You know, when you see people, and they've obviously got to the end of the gel jar, and thought, well, I might as well use all this up. There isn't another full hair thing in it. So they put a bit of extra in, and it's like rock. Well, it is people on TOWIE that say that, and they do have hair like that. So well done you. Oh, OK. I've seen TOWIE.

Oh, trackside. Yeah, so there was many. I was there for the men's 100 metres. You know, Usain Bolt, Joanne Blake, and Tyson Gay, of course, yeah so there was many um i was there for the men's 100 meters um you know usain bolt joanne blake and tyson gay of course a man whose name covers the full gamut of masculinity but it was exciting it was very short i have to say it's very short i mean it's over in a in the trice can i just say why do they do it is a bit ridiculous those kind of pre-race they it's almost like getting into character aren't they so bolt does the lightning bolt that's fine i'm fine with that is that what that thing is that he does it's a bow and arrow but

then he does a lightning bolt as well is it a bow and arrow yeah but there's a lightning bolt action yeah well what yes but that's a celebratory thing i thought it was just uh somebody pointing and then no it's a lightning bolt love and then more subtly pointing with the other hand there's nothing in this mad publicly they're pointing with one hand but they're also sneaking a second i can't see any lightning bolt imagery in that at all no it is a bolt the other one the beast, I hate it is. He does like a whole... He contorts his whole body. It used to be just Usain that did those things,

and everyone's copied him now and tried to come up with their own stupid things. It's like post-golf celebrations. What would you do if you were an athlete and they came to you in the camera? I think I'd do... You know the sort of heavy metal rock thing with the fingers I'd do that but hold it on my head

like I was a charging bull and I might drag one foot on the floor you know when bulls get very angry I don't know if they do it they certainly do it in cartoons that's what I'd do what would you do Holly?

what would your symbol be as the camera fell on you? I'd do a bit of dribble coming out of one side of my mouth And would it always be the same side? Yeah Oh okay You see I'd use one side for the 100 metres And the other side for the 200 No you'd do just one for 100 both

And for the Commonwealth Games I'd chew tobacco So it was Anyway so What would you do it? I'd chew tobacco, so it was... Anyway, so what would you do? I'd blow a kiss, of course. And I might wink as well, make it a bit fashion. I might then strut a bit as well. Come to think of it... Like it was a catwalk.

And then I'd do the race, full stop, but it would be worth it. Oh, I wouldn't do the race. It looks exhausting. I remember Steve Ovette way back in the 80ss he used to do an i love you symbol so actually sam barl didn't start it he used to mime ily he did i remember that he was a strange looking character still can't have everything in life you see frank i think that 100 meters i think it is looks quite easy though i think i could do that. Well, it's the easiest of the events. No, but I could do that. Out of all of them, I think I could actually do that quite easily.

No, I could do it. I wouldn't do it very quickly, but it's not like the pole vault where I think I could do that for a month and never, ever, ever get over that bar. You know, one thing about pole vault, you never see them putting the bar back up. How do they do that? That's a good question.

And it broke the other day, didn't it? I bet there's a remote control helicopter. Oh my goodness. The reason I say that is because I didn't know this but the night I was on, the men's hammer was on. And it's never occurred to me how do they get the hammers back to the throwers?

How do they? I thought a judge would walk in and say, and if it comes over here again I'll put a knife through it, like when our football used to go over next door. But in fact, there was little remote control mini cars, tiny little mini cars, and they pick up, the car comes up to the... Oh, like K9. Yeah, exactly. And the judge puts the hammer in the top of the mini car,

and then it goes back to the hammer. So sort of like what you get in bowling rinks. Bowling alleys. Nothing like that at all. Unless you go in bowling alleys where there's remote control minicars carrying the balls back in. Think of like Yo Sushi. Yeah, I know, I get it. It's true. I'm not making it up.

No, I'm not looking at you. It was very London as well because it was a mini, you know. I like that. I like the way they themed it. Like in Brazil, apparently, in front of the hammer net, they're just going to have a very short runway of grass and the rest of the thing's going to be shaved completely it's all about symbolism they're not going for the hollywood then i went with my mate dan who told me a fabulous story because the women's triple jump was happening in front of us as well and he's he's on about when he triple jumped at school he was they hadn got anyone to do the triple jump.

They hadn't practiced it or anything. And the teacher said, well, I need someone for the hop, step and jump, as it was called in those days. And he said, well, I'll do it. And he practiced it a bit on his own. And so he went to the thing. And when he did the hop, step and the jump, he didn't reach the sand pit. That's quite bad. What't it? What do you do

then? You're left sort of just on the gravel. I mean, technically you haven't done the jump yet. Well, you've done it. There's nothing to say it has to end up in the sandpit. That's just something that tends to happen when you do it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

So you went to the Olympics, Holly. I went twice, yeah. What did you see? I saw table tennis quarterfinals and then table tennis group finals. So it's very ping pong oriented. Yeah, I was so into it. It was incredible. Are you a table tennis enthusiast? I am.

Is that what you got in the tombola? No, no, I'm a big table tennis incredible. Are you a table tennis enthusiast? Is that what you got in the tombola? I'm a big table tennis fan. Are you really? Yeah, and now I've gone all the way now to the finals. So that makes me one of the best fans ever, right? Yeah, exactly. I mean, I qualified for the finals. How is it as a spectator sport? It's quite a small ball.

It is a small ball. That's one of the main... What do they wear? Do they wear little shorts and things? No, they wear... Polo things no they wear polo shirts they wear um cross velvet pantaloons lovely now i will go it's a sort of cavalier look they wear the big big elaborate sort of feathers do get in the way of it but on those very high serves i saw a man get a yellow card during a table tennis match what was for that what was what did he do? This Danish player... Did he take his shirt off after a point? Yeah.

He got a bit angry and he sort of picked up the ball and lobbed it across the pitch or whatever it's called. You're a table tennis enthusiast, you were telling me. Yeah. I think they call it the table. I'm guessing. Yeah, but what's the area around the table? The floor? He lobbed it across the table. I'm guessing. Yeah, but what's the area around the table? The floor?

He loved it across the floor. Oh, he sounds like it. And then the umpire gave him a yellow card. Quite right. I've got no time for him. No. I mean, there might be people at home thinking that was a bit harsh. Not Frank.

When you go and watch a sport where there are no British players, so we haven't got, like, a Team GB, how do you decide which team to support? Well, I'm not a very good neutral, and I often i often think oh what i'll do is i'll just wait and let the game progress and and i it'll it'll come to me right but um sometimes it doesn't and if i watch anything i mean i even in the olympics i'm quite partisan the night i went even though i saw the 100 meters final and saw um Oguru win silver, the fact that we didn't get a gold made me feel like I'd had a completely wasted evening.

Oh, I consider it a total failure. I won't... Silver, forget it. Out. I won't tolerate silver. I'm sorry. It's gold only. Didn't the Lone Ranger say that?

I won't have him in the house. Yeah, it's gold only now. you kidding me no i'm not kidding you that's the hardest bar has been raised very high by these olympics especially in the pole vault how they get it up there i do not know no i told you it's the remote can the mini maybe it's like a chitty chitty bang bang remote control car or two of them that take the bar up i imagine what happens is that the whole thing comes down and then they put it on and then it goes back up again. Because they must do it, because, I mean,

I think it's the limbo on Sunday morning. Women's limbo, I think it is. I think the men's limbo was earlier in the week. Could be, anything could be in the Olympics, let's face it. BMXs today did you see that thing where the when we went

the night that Mo Farah got the gold and Jessica and Greg thing got the long jump and all that the thruple they

was it the triple no it was the long jump he got wasn't it no I just meant those three of them yeah thruple and the commentator said this is a

completely new era for British sport British sport will never be the same again. And then they went over to the football and we lost the penalty shoot. So absolute. And not only that, but Daniel Sturridge, who missed the penalty that lost us the shoot,

as he walked off, the coach went and put his arm around him and he shoved him off in a real petulant way. And I thought, oh yeah, of course, that's what sport is normally like. But we don't count Olympic football anyway. Thank him I don't real petulant way. And I thought, oh yeah, of course, that's what sport is normally like. But we don't count Olympic football anyway. Frank and I don't count Olympic tennis or football. It's not real. It's not real.

My highlight of the week was when the boxer, the woman boxer who got gold. Oh, yeah. Did you see her? They said, how did it feel getting gold? She said, it made my day. Ah. Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. we have some texts in about skippy the kangaroo yeah well you know to me it's it's quality not quantity uh must remember that dan pierce says skippy the bush kangaroo seemed to spot trouble when finding food hardly a detective more an unfortunate forager it's absolutely rather good description i think i mean you've you've decided he was a detective yeah why did i decide that he was no more than a keen amateur he had no sort of role don't anyone listen to this think he had any sort of official place in the police department no no although he

did yeah it was like it's like when elvis decided he wanted the badges yeah you know he had no right to those badges my favorite elvis presley picture ever yeah is him with the fbi badges he wanted at the scene of a car crash and it's elvis in a full length leather jacket and shades in the middle of the night with a massive torch walking around this wreckage just because he got the police badge that he could turn off. He loved those badges. I can imagine you're being cut out of your car, there's the hiss of oxyacetylene and there's Elvis Presley in shades

at four o'clock in the morning. But he has an amazing sideburns, like Wiggo. Not anymore, he doesn't. No. Maybe he does. He's passed. He hasn't. Like Wiggo. Not anymore he doesn't. No. Maybe he does. He's passed. Yeah. He hasn't. I wish I could. See, I couldn't grow Bradley Wiggin's sideburns. Why not?

Mine have holes in them. They do. I can't grow a sturdy sideburn. Well, I would argue re-Bradley Wiggin's sideburns. They're very wiry. Yeah, but mine have got patches, bare patches. Mine look like the fjords. Yours are a bit crop circles.

I know that look. The fjords? You know the fjords? It's a 1960s TV show about a Norwegian family who made cars. So, um, yeah, you know, it's in little tiny islands.

Have you ever thought about sticking sideburns or a moustache on your child? Because that is hilarious. Well, I hadn't, but I'll write that down. If you get a young baby and you give it a stick on moustache or sideburns, it's such an entertaining way of spending an afternoon and humiliating them when they're older. I might try that. Perhaps I could get a small bicycle

and recreate Bradley Wiggins' glorious victory. That would be fabulous. And then I can get him in some mod outfits. Yeah. Bradley relaxes. I could do a whole picture book of Bradley Wiggins at 11 weeks old. I'm going to write that down as well. See, I'm not really

a fan of the sideburn, Holly, I have to say. Just the, well, one sideburn. I'm talking about sideburns. I'm talking about it in a fashion sense. So you say a jean, you use the singular. Ah. A shoe, a jean, a sideburn. But a sideburn suggests just one, and I wouldn't say that was a good look. Well, I'll tell you, you say that. No, that means two.

But now I'm thinking, I wouldn't mind, I've never seen anybody who just won. Oh, I have. That was quite an 80s thing. Was it? A bit Baroque, yes. Is it so they can do those? Tony Hadley.

So they can do both parts in a conversation, a comedy conversation. So I saw Elvis the other day. I was out, I bumped into Elvis and he said, and then you turn around and go, how are you doing? Yeah. Did you see that man? Who was that American sportsman with the monobrow? Oh, yes, I've seen him. Anthony Davis.

What's his name? Anthony Davis. Yeah, and he's got an incredible monobrow. I mean, so completely solid. No gaps. It doesn't even thin out above the nose. And he wants to officially trademark it. He wants to copyright it, yeah.

But he calls it a unibrow. Yeah. Well, you know, it's American English. I like that he said he wants to copyright phrases associated with it, like raise the brow. Is that it? I've never used that phrase, raise the brow is that it's not I've never used that phrase raise the brow I think you should copyright hear me brow oh hear me brow like him and now very yeah well I'm right to

oh brown will never yeah okay well we will let's write a big letter to him. Yes. I just think, I see people like him in the papers and Bradley Wiggins. I imagine the Mexican wolf boys reading it and thinking, amateurs. These amateurs, they don't know anything about facial hair. I'm just looking at a picture of his monobrow. I mean, it is. It's quite something.

In case you don't know him, and I didn't know he was before, if you imagine if you had a scrapbook on a table and you took your eyes down to table surface level and looked up at one end of the scrapbook, line open. Are you with me? Yes, that's a good description. That's what his monobrow looks like. Do people still have scrapbooks?

Yeah, I bought a scrapbook this week. You're kidding me. I'm not kidding. For what purpose? For a seven-year-old. Oh. And what, will they see me? Yeah, they're doing a scrapbook about their holidays. How do you

do that? They're making a scrapbook. That's a photo album you're thinking of. That's Pinterest. No. No, I'm thinking of a scrapbook. Well, what will be in it other than photographs? Sand. Drawings. They're sticking in, like, things they've been to. No, you're right, Holly, because I had one of those,

and I put, like, for example, we went to McDonald's, and I stuck a straw in. Yeah, exactly. Or you get a ticket to the cinema, and they'll stick that in, and they'll write about their trip to the cinema. Oh, lovely. If James Coburn buys you a present, you'll stick a photograph of that in.

What would worry me, yes... That's what I did. What would worry me about that is That's what I did. What would worry me about that is that if it's on one holiday, you're probably not going to fill the scrapbook. And if there's one thing I hate, it's waste. There's going to be all those black pages. Was it black pages?

Yep. Yep. All that is still going to be there. Anyway, you should check out Anthony Davis's monobrow. His eyebrows are so thick. If he went to an auction at Christie's and bid for something, would he know the rise of an eyebrow? The auctioneer would say, all right, all right, I heard you the first time.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Holly Walsh. You can text us on 812.15 or follow us on Twitter using at Frank on Absolute. See, what I did there is one of those things when they talk over like a music thing. Yeah, I saw that over a bed. Yeah.

I love talking over a bed. I always do that. I've talked over, I've shook hands over a bed. I love talking over a bed, I always do that. I've shook hands over a bed before now. Just like the opening of Minder, when they shake hands across the bonnet. Frank, they can also email us, which they sometimes do midweek. Yeah, don't ask me what their address is. No, but Ash has emailed in. He's been dreaming of you, Frank.

Oh, yeah. Someone else was... I can't remember what they dreamt, but someone last week had dreamt of me. They were stroking your hair in a pub and it was very soft. Did I tell you I dreamt that I pretended to be a member of Snow Patrol to get into some... You didn't?

Yeah. That's like when I pretended I was dating the manager of Suede, except I really did that. Yeah. Was it a dream? What? That's your time dating the manager of Suede? No, I didn't really.

I lied and said I was to make an exploit of the journalist. I thought you were just no-dropping. No. So this dream. OK, so this dream. So this is Ash. I call this the I Dream of Frank Club. He says...

He's downloaded all the old podcasts from the website. It's a bit old school. And he says, and I'm constantly listening to the show. Consequently, I'm now even dreaming of you, Frank. Frank, I dreamt you were bankrolling a Roman Catholic charity, which exhumed the reburied bodies of Roman Catholics who'd been buried in Anglican or Protestant cemeteries into Catholic cemeteries.

Well, I don't want anyone to miss out on heaven because they're in the wrong queue. I love the idea that you've given money to this chapter. Dig up Catholics that aren't in Catholic. It's a brilliant... I think me and Ash should go on Dragon's Den with this idea. See if we can get some backing. Yeah, what we want to do is we want to dig up Catholics

who are buried in non-Catholic ground. What do you think? What's in this for me? We can get 2,000 days off purgatory. OK, OK, OK. I think it could work. How do you find them? Do you just get Skippy on the case?

You have to go around looking there'll be a website wronglyplacedcatholics.com oh I love your new business Frank here buried in Anglican cemeteries Anglican hell

my Anglican hell as we call them on hallowed ground now that isn't true but I love the idea of it and if there is such a charity why don't you call me yeah Demetries. Anglican hell. My Anglican hell. As we call them, on hallowed ground. Now, that isn't true, but I love the idea of it. And if there is such a charity, why don't you call me? Yeah. You could do sort of daytime TV adverts.

Yeah, just me with a shovel, marching jauntily along. Send money for this. Instead of the pen, that's what you could have, the shovel. Frank, we've also had a lot of IEM emails in yes no i know i explain this every week but for new listeners an iem is an idiotic eureka moment and it's when you realize something that you should have realized years ago like a a joke or something like that and you think oh hold on a minute and the example i often use is sooty and sweeper as a sort of pun on the chimney sweep business. You didn't know that?

I didn't know. I think you two have collectively had one today, not realising that Usain Bolt was doing a lightning bolt. I'm still not convinced. No, I don't think that was clear. I still don't think that's true. What do you want to be more clear than the fact that he was doing a lightning bolt and his name is Bolt?

He says. I think he could have been doing Saddam Hussein impression because his name is bolt he says i think he could have been doing saddam hussein impression because you both had one without realizing it well and um warren hughes has had an olympic based one as well he says hi frank i've just had an im whilst watching the olympics i only just realized that the logo for the london games are the numbers 2012 i thought it was just some splodges that some art student thought looked cool. God bless you all. That's fair enough, I think, because, as you know,

like most people, I detest the logo. Oh, I love it. Oh, come off it. Oh, come off it. Worst jigsaw ever. That's what it looks like. It's terrible. I think that people even say,

oh, I'm loving the Olympics, apart from the logo, obviously. I mean, it's like what's up. It's become a catchphrase. It's the one thing that's took the shine off the Olympics. I disagree. I think it's done a great job. When you walk around, it really works. It's really functional as a piece of design.

I think it's great. I don't think anyone on this show has ever been more wrong about anything. And David Essex used the word China. But I still think not as wrong. I mentioned David Essex. I told you. Still not as wrong as you are about this. It's, it's...

Listen, it's about subjective. Was it 400,000 the agency were paying for that logo? Were they? Yep. That's cheap. All Paulins. They don't come cheap. I had a eureka moment recently but that was more down to a childhood lie okay well my dad used to tell me you know those long tall chimneys

next to hospitals yeah when i was very small he couldn't obviously tell me they were incinerators so he told me that they were a um a giant airing cupboard and that the the nurses would take the warm sheets out of the bottom and then they'd take the cold ones to the top and then they'd all go down so you'd always take the warm ones out of the bottom So why smoke? Well I didn't know that, I thought there was just steam from the sheets coming off

What black flesh and bone smoke? I didn't know that Well that's just a lie That's not an idiotic eureka moment I was 29 when somebody said look at that incinerator and I was like no no no, that's an air idiotic eureka moment i was 29 when somebody pointed said oh look at that incinerator and i was like no no that's uh that's an airing cup oh he's still at it and they went no no that's an incinerator i think i had one this way because i could be wrong about this but boy boy zone is that a pun on boys own as in the boys own you know comics yeah is it

i think so yeah possibly did you know that before no i think i sort of thought about that you think you'd sort of thought about it your witness frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio Absolute Radio. We've got some more idiotic Eureka moments, Frank. Ah, yes. We've got Eleanor in Melbourne. We have a lot of Australian listeners. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, fans of Skippy.

I'm glad they haven't got all sulky about their performance in the Olympics and contacting us. Why have they gone so rubbish? They used to be quite good, didn't they? That nasty, fouling cyclist woman who upset the... Oh, yeah. ..Victoria Pendleton farewell race with her elbows. No-one puts baby in the corner.

She nearly put her in the crowd. G'day, Frank. Oh, I like the... They're sticking with it. Speaking of idiotic eureka moments, and we were... Yeah. ..I only just got the fact that the band Bross are called that because it's short for Brothers. It's taken me almost three decades to get it,

and it's hardly subtle, is it? Yours foolishly, Eleanor, in Melbourne. And guess what? The Nolan sisters. Well, I mean, it was always a bit dodgy, though, Bross, because when they... Oh, certainly a bit dodgy. No, but in their golden years, Craig Logan was in the band. Was it?

No, they called him Ken as a joke, because they said he was... Viz called him Ken the Ugly One That No One Fancies, which is very mean. But he wasn't one of the brothers. But he was... No, that's true. He was under the umbrella term Bross. Yeah. Is that fair?

No. I mean, unless they'd sort of adopted him. I don't think they did. I don't think there was any paperwork. Oh. I had a confusing... Can I say that he went on to manage Pink? Did you know that?

Yes, that's what I think. I don't mean he got a 1-4-0 break. I mean, he managed... He was her manager. He did. He was the only one to make any money. Does that be a lesson to you all, yeah. Well, out of Bross or from Pink.

Pink must have made a few. No, he made the money from Bross. You could tell Pink's made so much money, she's perpetually embarrassed. Hence her nickname. Sorry, you were saying, Holly? Well, I was thinking about idiotic eureka moments and then I was trying to work out,

you know, am I being stupid? You know when people say he's the bee's knees? Is that like a sort of derivation of business? He's the business, he's the bee's knees. Oh, maybe it is. Like someone from Tunisia or something saying business.

Perhaps. Yeah, someone from Tunisia or something. Yeah, exactly like that. Isn't there a really Tunisian vibe about it? Bee's knees. Maybe. That's exactly what it is. I'm here on a bee's knee.

Is it? Yeah. He's on a bee's knees. You could be on a bee's knees trip. Bee's knees and pleegee. Maybe, all right. Someone will know. Oh, they'll know.

At least they'll know everything. They'll know. Frank. Frank Skinner. Oh, they'll know. Alice does know everything. They'll know. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we're not done with these IMs. They are like the tide.

Sometimes they are, but mainly they flow. Someone's just texted in a man called john to say that bees knees are considered the best because they are where the they store pollen to carry back to the hive to make honey they keep oh they store the pollen in their knees in their knees what do they hold it like in in the fold at the back i don't think that's a good idea it's a bit madonna on tour with those knee pads. Don't they have special pollen bags? Banks? Bags.

Oh, like bum bags? Yeah. A bee bum bag. I would love a bee with a little rucksack as well. Lovely. A bum bee? That's what they call them, bum bum bees. Because they get a bum bill at the end of the month for their bag costs.

Frank, a nun has been in touch. Oh, yeah. And I haven't heard from a nun for some time. Well, a has been in touch. Oh, yeah. And I haven't heard from Anon for some time. Well, Anon was in touch about that Catholic charity. Oh, no, it was Anon. Carry on. Anon says, and you won't be surprised to hear why they're Anon when you hear this IEM,

on watching the women's cycling team pursuit medal ceremony, when the camera panned to Paul McCartney and his daughter during Hey Jude, I only then realised Stella McCartney is the said daughter. Wow. That's pretty impressive, Anon. That's a good one to not know. And apparently named her Stella McCartney because it sounds like a compliment about him.

Oh. Stella McCartney. His other two kids are called Raking It In and Very Successful. Yeah. No, I thought everyone knew that. People say my girlfriend looks like Stella McCartney. And she gets very, very furious. I would love to look like Stella McCartney.

How would I? I'd like to look like Paul McCartney. Oh, I do. I actually did an interview for the like Paul McCartney. Oh, I do. Actually, I did an interview for the BBC the other night on this balcony, and they started singing Hey Jude when I went on. And I do think that some people thought that... I think they saw the wind catch my throat and assumed it was pink. I know you don't like Twitter, but do you realise you were trending on Twitter?

You were right at the top as a direct result. I was what? As a result of that. Trending? You were trending. That means you were right at the top as a direct result. I was what? As a result of that. Trending? You were trending. That means you were a hot topic. Everyone was talking about you. It was a quiet night Sunday. Well, it wasn't like anything else was going on, e.g. the 100 metre

final. I was more talked about than Usain Bolt. Yes. And his inverted commas, lightning bolt. I'm afraid I've just looked it up and you two are going to be very embarrassed in a minute. Can our listeners please text in,

does Usain Bolt, is that a reference to a lightning bolt? Please text in. I'm not set. Let's keep it open. If it is, I think he needs to rethink his... I think he needs to go... That's what he needs to do. What he needs to do is get one think he needs to go that's what he needs to do what he needs to do

is get one of those harry potter scars also get a wand maybe that's how they get the um bars back on the top of the hijack magic don't be ridiculous no we know how they get them someone's texted in we'll be talking about that shortly there is no magic i know i used to work in the magic bee's knees There is no magic. I know I used to work in the magic bee's knees. This is Frank Skinner of Sniff Radio. Did you read this story this week about a Norwegian tourist who fell asleep on an airport baggage belt? I did read it.

It was incredible. They drink a lot, the Scandinavians. Well, he only had one beer. Get did read it. It was incredible. They drink a lot, the Scandinavians. Well, he only had one beer. Get out of it. There isn't a Scandinavian existed that only ever had one beer. I don't know if it's the long, dark nights, but they're a very mournful race, if the Scandinavians are

a race. I like to think he was just accessorising with a can of beer. That's what he was carrying through with him. I'll tell you. I mean, ABBA. Didn't you think ABBA always looked a bit troubled? I know they had their internal disputes, but they always, even in the golden days, they never looked...

They weren't happy. Well, this guy fell asleep... Ulrika. Desolate. Do you... Even Sandy Toksvig, smiling through the tears. I think you'll agree. Ingmar Bergman.

He was gloomy. Roald Dahl. No, thanks. I've just put one out. So, you were saying... This guy fell asleep on a baggage belt and he was on it for 15 minutes and he went through x-ray and everything until they realised that he'd fallen asleep on a luggage belt and he was on it for 15 minutes and he went through x-ray and everything until they realised that he'd fallen asleep

on a luggage conveyor belt. I saw one of the drugs dogs go on the conveyor belt once. You know the drugs dogs? Oh, they love a German shepherd. And he was in and out. He was bopping in and out. It was one of the most exciting things I've ever seen in my life.

You know how dogs often look very busy? The dog will go in the garden and it doesn't just walk into the garden and think, what's I done now? It races up. I've just got to have a look at this hedge. Talk to yourselves a bit. Yeah, OK, OK. I just checked the edge of the lawn out.

They're really busy. Just domestic dogs. So this was a proper working dog who had work to do. They've got a job. He went through the busy ceiling. He looked so absolutely rushed off his feet. It was the bee's knees. He was working at his bee's knees.

So what, he was looking for drugs in people's bags and stuff? Yeah. Why didn't they just stop the conveyor belt and let him look without him having to go through the conveyor belt? Well, he was happy on the conveyor belt. Like Soochie? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know that many dogs. Have you ever accidentally fallen asleep on a moving...

On a dog? On a drugs dog? They must love it when people put drugs up their bottoms. Hang! Because they're combining work and pleasure in one. Well, they're not the only ones. They are the only ones. So, have I ever fell asleep on a conveyor belt? No, is the answer to that.

Have you ever fell asleep on anything moving? Well, bosses. Bosses, I've slept on many. I mean, I used to drink a lot and I used to sleep all over terrible places. I slept at Barbarella's nightclub. I slept through Generation X on two consecutive nights. I went home in between. Barbarella's?

Is that in Broad Street? It was in Herst Street, I think. I could be wrong. And, yeah, so I slept... You remember Generation X, Billy Idol's band? Yeah, yeah. I watched the first track on the Friday night and then I blacked out

and I was woken up by a big bouncer man and someone with a mop. That's never a good sign, is it? And I thought, it's OK, I'll see him again tomorrow night. I did exactly the same thing. Well, you only got to the first song. Yeah. I bet they were brilliant.

That's the worst heckle you could ever have. It is, yes. A man who passed out twice during two different concerts. I hope I didn't snore, because that would have seemed disrespectful. I recently fell asleep in a pub. Oh, holy. This is really horrible. Basically, I had a lot of...

Can I say, when I did this at Barbara Ellis, I remember when I woke... You know when you're so drunk, you get very, very over-polite to take off? And I remember saying to the banter as i left thank you for your patience oh pathetic so you were you very drunk indeed no no i was so totally sober it was a sunday you know not not long ago you don't strike me as a drunkard i no i'm i'm not a drunkard i'm i'm a good fun but i'm not a drunkard well we'll a good fun, but I'm not a drunkard. Well, we'll be the judge of that. So I went into a pub in London Bridge

and I thought, I'll just sit here for ten minutes. I won't buy a drink because I'm just going to sit here for ten minutes. No, are you kidding me? You didn't buy a drink. No, because I thought, I'm just going to... I'm literally using the sofa, that's all I'm here for. It's not a park. Who does that? Who goes into a pub and just sits for ten minutes? I mean, even a public latrine is a pound these days.

Did they think you were a very, very indecisive purchaser of drinks? No, you know how you do that? You know when you need the loo and you go into a pub but you sort of style it out like you're looking for your friend everywhere and then you just go into the loo and then just... Holly, can I tell you exactly what I do? I clutch my stomach, I go into Starbucks. I lie.

Oh. What do you mean? Well, if I'm clutching my stomach, what might they think? You're hungry? No. They might think you're pregnant. If you go into Starbucks clutching your stomach, my first thought would be they want a big chocolate coin.

That's why they're in here. So, hold on. So, you're asleep then? So, I just thought I'll sit down for ten minutes, just have a little, you know, no, just a sit down. That down that's all i want yeah because i've got to the age now where i need to sit down well yeah we all do that's why they put um armchairs in hotel corridors anyway i woke i got woken up about an hour later by a woman the bar lady who asked me to move on did you say the bar lady bar lady she asked you to did she actually say move on i you say the barma lady barma lady she asked you to move did she actually say move

on i'm gonna have to move you on she didn't say could you leave she's a former member of the constable maybe a special she didn't say you're gonna have to leave or go home she said i'm gonna have to move you on like i like i had nowhere to go and this was just was she a bit formal she was brusque but you must have been a bit worried because if you had a gig and your plan was to stop for ten minutes and you stopped for an hour, weren't you... Well, no, because it was about six o'clock in the evening. I still had a good hour to get to the gig. Oh, OK. That's not... Being moved on is not good. It's getting a bit hobo. I know. I think she mistook me for somebody who was just kind of, you know, how...

Are you the littlest hobo? I'm just throwing that in, because if she don't have a scooper, she ain't going to know the littlest hobo, I'm just throwing that in, because if she don't know Scoopy, she ain't going to know the littlest hobo, I'm guessing. That's true. Who? Exactly. What would have been great if you'd done the song, then? And you'll meet tomorrow.

Ah, she knew all the time, you rascal. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we got an email from a man called Duncan. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we got an email from a man called Duncan. Oh, no. It's not Bannatyne again. It's not. I don't think so, because he's 23.

And I don't think Duncan Bannatyne's 23, but he says he needs your advice. He's got a dramatically receding hairline, and he doesn't know what to do. He's thinking of shaving it completely, but then he'd end up looking like someone who owns a devil dog and wears an England shirt. Yes, don't shave it. Can I get your opinion on this, especially a woman's perspective?

He's asking you for a woman's perspective. Well, luckily I have a... You've got two ladies. An index card file of women's perspectives on all things. Let me just look up. Hold on a minute. Receding.

Oh, you're going to be single forever. Oh, that's mean. That is tough. Well, that's not true, though. Didn't hold William back. Yeah, Prince William has got thinning locks. Yeah, you know, but he's got one or two other things going for him. How do you know Duncan hasn't?

I bet he's not a prince. Are you familiar with Prince Duncan? No, I'm not, actually. No, I'm sure I'm not. But please don't shave it, Duncan. If I went bald, I would definitely go for the sort of Nick Robinson, the BBC political correspondent. No.

I like the thick... No. Leave it long at the back, so you can say, yes, this is what the rest of it should look like. But it doesn't. OK, get over it. The shaving thing is the idea that we're going to look at someone and say, oh, this is what the rest of it should look like. But it doesn't. OK, get over it. The shaving thing is the idea that we're going to look at someone and say, oh, that bloke shaved his head. I bet he got a completely full head of hair, but he's just shaved it off out of choice.

Forget about it. No, Frank, I say go llama. Go llama now. Dalai, that is. Oh, OK. And then if you do that, he's got a small window of opportunity because this guy's 23. Well, the Dalai Lama's got an endless window of opportunity so he can try another lifestyle when he comes back.

This is true. He has a number of lifetimes. Yeah. However, at 23, he has a small window. People will think it's choice, not desperation, if he does it now. Do you think the Lama's like that? Do you think the Lama looks in the air and thinks, I might grow my hair a bit?

Oh, no. I'll do it next time. He probably thinks, maybe I'll get those Wiggins-style sideburns, just the two of them, and a bald head. Yeah, but then he thinks, no, I'll leave it to the next life. You know when people shave to go bald completely? They go, you know what, I'm going to give up on the hair. Why don't people go, like, kind of think, you know what, I think I really suit a William Hague.

I'll just shave just this sort of big kind of we've got a forehead of hair but just shave a receding hairline like a big old receding hairline yeah right to the crown yeah see that what you've what you've hit on there though is the fact when people say actually bald looks pretty good the fact that no one who's got hair makes themselves look bald this is probably a giveaway but you see the frontispiece is the issue because that's when you end up in all sorts of travolta type trouble i think what's he done what's his method what's he done let's not go down that road no let's not go down that road i have no idea what your hair fall out sex is back to william hale i think I think it's a toupee, but it starts... I may be wrong, obviously. This may all be his own hair.

Yeah. But I think the toupee starts quite far back and he's over-trimmed it and it looks obviously like a toop. Yeah. Sorry about that, John. You know Justin Bieber's been giving out advice about all of this?

No, he's been very disrespectful. He has been disrespectful. An 18-year-old... What was he saying again? He gave advice to one of our possible future monarchs. Yeah, telling him he needs to do something about his hair. Well, I'll tell you what he said. He just said,

I don't know why he doesn't just get those things, those products, Propecia. I like that he said... To be fair... Have you not got it over there? have you not got it over there? Have you not got it over there? To be fair to Justin, isn't his intention to heal?

You know, he's trying to help, isn't he, Prince William? He's thinking, oh, he obviously doesn't know you can put stuff on that makes you the best boy. Yeah, but no one wants advice from an 18-year-old. Least of all Justin Bieber. My advice to William is just wear the crown all the time. Who's going to know?

There used to be a toupee called a crown topper and he could actually have a crown topper. He should do, you know those sort of, those Scottish hats with the ginger coming out the side. He should get a crown but with hair just sticking out the top. That's a brilliant idea. When he takes it off, it's still got the hair in the crown.

That's my advice to Duncan. He's got a bandana with a bit of hair woven into the cloth. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Holly Walsh. You can text us at 81215. I like it when you sound surprised that it's Frank Skinner.

I'm still surprised by it. You get to my age every day. It's a surprise. So you went Olympics. I went Olympics. What else did you do? I went music gig. Oh, okay, music gig.

I went to music gig actually this week which ones i saw um simply red you love them i didn't see simply red i saw that yeah pink was a support actor the whole show was graded maroon five king crimson uh they closed the night. Ruby Turner was on. Oh, lovely. No, I went to see... Well, I went to see Laurie Anderson, who I'm a very big fan of. You know Laurie Anderson? Oh, Superman.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You know that? It's brilliant. I'd recommend it. That felt quite long. I think it's something like six and a half minutes, and it got to number one. Can you believe that? It sounded brilliant. I'd recommend it. That felt quite long. I think it's something like six and a half minutes, and it got to number one. Can you believe that?

It sounded like the CD got stuck. You Phyllis Stein. Is that your name? Phyllis Stein. Are you Phyllis Stein? I only just got that. Yeah. Thanks.

Bye. So I went to see her. She was great, although she did give me the uh she talked about you know when you sometimes you see things moving on your eyeballs oh yeah do you know that you see stuff moving about yeah yeah like orbs she said they're they're phosphates is how she described them i don't know if that's correct but i had you know occasionally holly i have some quite severe mosquito problems in my bedroom, and I had them this week, bitten to pieces. Look at that.

Frank, I've had one. I've got one on my upper cheek, look. Yeah. Oh, have you had one? Yes. I'm covered. Let's take your one. Look at those bites.

Frank, what is it about our skin? I think it's something to do with hormones. Frank and I have got a lot of... People with a lot of hormones. They hear them. Huh? They hear the hormones and they come in. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, mum and dad. Mum and dad. So anyway, I could see, I think it was the phosphates. Once you've been bitten... Holly's climbing on her chair. Yeah, can you sit properly? I was looking for, I was trying to catch this mosquito and I think the phosphates were moving about in my eyes

and I was swinging at things that were actually on my eyeball. Oh. Could have been nasty. Anyway, that's enough. I went to see Elizabeth Fraser on Monday night. Now, that's what I thought. Who dat? She's off the Cocteau Twins, right?

Yeah, but Kat said to me, Elizabeth Fraser is playing live! Elizabeth Fraser! And I said, that's that's brilliant and i have to admit i didn't i mean i've heard of the cocktail twins but i didn't know she sounds like a sort of archer's character or something yes i've been to her house oh but um i haven't so um i went to this gig and first of all i so I didn't know what to expect, but it's great going to a gig blind like that when you don't know what it's going to be.

Kath was mad about the Cocteau Twins. I was drunk during their golden years, so I don't remember much about them. But anyway, when we got there, they started off, these four people came on, all dressed in black with music stands, and sang one of these... I adore you, I adore you. Like a religious four-part harmony a cappella thing.

And I've been bored before. But you know when people say bored to tears, I thought that was just, I honestly was starting to get tears in my eyes. I was so bored. I thought I was going to throw up and wet myself. I was in a panic. I was bored bored, I thought I was going to throw up and wet myself. I was in a panic. I was bored into a panic.

Oh, Frank. And it was... That was like me when I watched The Goonies. It was... Honestly, it was terrifying. And I thought, please stop. And I could see... The Trumbulls didn't be like a classical.

They kept turning pages. And every time they turned pages, I thought, well, I'm really looking for at least half a blank one. And it was just sheet music, sheet music, sheet music, if I'm allowed to say that. My pronunciation was a bit... So it was the worst start to a gig I've ever had in my life. I would have happily stood up with an axe

and made these people look like as I think they once said in a Monty Python but looked like five tins of cat food. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, lovely. What? I'm just watching

the diving, the men's diving. Don't watch the diving. Difficulty 3.7 of course I'm going watching the diving, the men's diving. Don't watch the diving. Difficulty 3.7, of course I'm going to watch that. That's lovely. We're all watching it now. It's very distracting. I think it's a bit disrespectful to our listeners if we just watch the telly. Terrible entrance.

So stop it. I was telling them about a gig I went to. Elizabeth Fraser. Yeah, so anyway, Elizabeth Fraser came on. Oh, I've just got House Off. Sorry, Frank. Oh, fantastic. The quartet had gone.

But are you aware of the level of boredom I'm talking about when you become outraged? Have you had it, Holly? Yeah, I had it during a ballet quite recently. Oh, yeah? And that's a lot. That can be a long night of ballet. Because as a comedian, you end up thinking, what can i say that's funny about this and there's nothing even funny about

it well as a comedian i think i wouldn't when when you go on stage you have an obligation to entertain people and if they don't if you don't you're a comedian you know about it these people seemed oblivious i mean i'm sure they were brilliant at it and they seemed nice. And it was great for, like, two minutes. How long was it on for? About... I think it was either two or three months. I can't quite remember, but they were winter months. Yeah. And we had to stay in a lot and eat fatty food.

It was... Oh, man, I just thought... I didn't come for this. Stop doing this! And you thought this was going to be the whole night of this? Well, then, I just thought I didn't come for this. Stop doing this. Stop it. And you thought this was going to be the whole night of this. Well, then, of course, I'm... Anyway, she comes on, Elizabeth, and she's got, I mean, an amazingly beautiful voice and was brilliant. The band, though, you see, I'd go for a trophy band.

I was, you know, I'm one of... Sort of Robert Palmer style. Yeah, exactly. You want a band that looks like you're hanging around with cool dudes you have the sort of men who if you don't watch them will put a press in their jeans oh they dry clean their jeans

I know those ones you could see that very light grey line you get down the front of jeans that are pressed on a regular basis I know them and again there was a lot that thing we were talking about, about slightly balding at the front,

which makes me very anxious. If someone's had to arrange their hair, then I'm sitting like... What sort of footwear are we talking, Frank? A caramac shoe? Well, I think... I could be wrong. I don't want to do this bloke wrong,

but I think that the bass player, who I'd say was probably in his mid-forties. I'm getting the picture. He had a boot flare on. He didn't at all. He didn't. A man in a boot cut. When a man wears a boot cut, I'm thinking there's a cowboy boot under there.

He looked like a man who didn't say, I'll put my cowboy boots on. He looked like a man who said, which cowboy boots shall I wear tonight? That's the kind of man he looked. Oh, Frank. Well, I never... But it was... I mean, the music was brilliant,

and she was brilliant, but it was... And Thingy was there. You know Anthony from Anthony and the Johnsons? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was, you treated me so badly. Anthony and the Johnsons. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're attracting mosquitoes now.

Yeah, that's to repel them. No, that was actually Morris Gere. I actually love Anthony from Anthony and the Johnsons. Do you? Yeah. You can't even say it, Johnsons. What are you talking about? Oh, sorry, I'm talking about someone else. I'm talking about Anthony from Anthony and the Johnsons.

I like them them but he sings in a deep baritone voice You treated me He looks I'm slightly frightened of Anthony Oh he's terrifying man Why?

Why are you scared of him? He's got very very black hair very white face very worrying fringe worrying fringe I don't like that it's too monochrome.

You know when he is a bit... Can I be honest what he is, Sully? He's a bit goth nana. You get them in America, those nans who are a bit goth. Yeah, I think you're right. With the dyed black hair and the tattoos on the slightly crepey skin. I think you're right. Crepey skin?

Mm. I went to see him live once. Who? Anthony in the... I saw him live. Doctor. Yeah, I didn't. I thought, is he doing this song again?

What's his hair like now, Frank? Black, and I'd say, unlike Spandau Ballads, it's unkempt. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. The girls are giggling. We're being naughty. You know, if I had this conversation about women in the Olympics, it would be seen as sexist.

But you can talk about the men in the Olympics as if they're honks of gristle. Well, if you will put the men's 10-metre platform diving on, what do you expect? Well, I'm happy for it to be switched off. I mean, get some. No, don't turn it off! There are bigger pants on the market. Just because they're not wearing Calvin Classics. Well, the trouble is with Calvin Classics, when you come out, the waistband

would still be in the water. The waistband to pant attaching is very... Frank, they'd come clean off those classics with that impact. When I was... Mine wouldn't come clean anyway. When I was a kid, I jumped off a 10-metre high diving board. I was wondering about that.

Let me guess, there was no water in the pool. Ouch. That's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me on national radio. Stick around, honey. It's only the second meanest thing. Why would I jump in the pool and then all the water jumped out? I'm not that... Did I say all the water jumped out?

I said there was no water in the pool. See, what you've done in your paranoia, you've placed something on me I didn't say. You make me sick. So what happened? So I jumped in the pool and i had a huge nosebleed and they had to shut the pool oh well why people were in the pool rebecca adlington was in the pool she admitted on johnny felps he does yeah lochte lochte so you know blood who cares holly and i both like lochte anyway meanwhile over at the el Elizabeth Fraser gig, where it's all happening.

It was quite a middle-class night, and people were calling out things like, Song to the siren! Do song to the siren! Oh, God! Which is, do you know that? No, I don't know that. I don't know who wrote it, but Tim Botley sang it. Tim Botley was a bloke who had a song called Dolphins,

who I used to change the words all the time when I was a young man. It goes, Sometimes I think about Saturday's child. And I used to sing, Sometimes I drink about ten pints of mild. But nobody drinks wild anymore, so I had to stop that. I think it's gone, I don't know if it still exists. Anyway, people were calling out.

Now, I remembered that when I used to go to gigs in my teens, there was two things that people always called out at every gig, regardless of the gig. You'd either call... Wake up! You'd go, Wally! Why did you say that? I've no idea.

Wally! Or Albatross Oh Which I think was from Was it a Coleridge gig? Or Albatross He was citing poetry It was from a Monty Python sketch

Where I think a man Sells Albatross Instead of ice cream Oh But Wally I don't know where that came from One of our listeners will know Because it's just about

Oh they'll know It's about the right time A Birmingham or know, Frank. When I went to the men's quarterfinals of table tennis, one of the Romanian players, I can't remember his surname, but his first name was Adrian, and everybody in the audience started shouting out,

Adrian! Yo! I did it for you! Adrian! And he clearly didn't get it, but everyone was laughing at him. Adrian! That was fair.

Does Adrian Charles get that at but everyone was laughing at him. Adrian! That was fair. Does Adrian Charles get that at the football? He should do. No, he just gets potato face, if I remember rightly. Why? I don't know, it's on the card. You really aren't holding back on the... On the what?

On the carbohydrate-based insults. If that's what you're getting at. I'm all right with... I don't mind a bit of starch in my acid, if you know what I'm saying. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Well, now, I'll tell you what I want to talk about, Frank, is there was a bit of an incident on a plane this week, and you know how I love a plane-based incident. You do.

This was a bit Babes on a Plane. Oh, I saw this. Did you see this? It was a Vietnamese airline, and they decided they were going to allow this sort of impromptu beauty pageant, beauty parade. And it was lots of scantily clad lovelies. They had...

Would you describe them as? Did you see the pictures? Well, they had bikini tops on, but I saw the viral. What about that? the pictures they had bikini tops on but i i saw the i saw the viral what about that and then they had they had men were filming it but they had sarongs on they didn't just have sarongs what's wrong about that well i had two sarongs don't look all right but um that's all right yeah but they weren, yeah, they weren't like just in bikinis. No, but there was a lot of la-la exposure, let's say. I beg your pardon?

I don't want to sound like a male chauvinist pig. And I'm all right with the women's libbers, in case you're wondering. But I think they don't do enough on planes, sort of in flight. It's just films, really, and games and a magazine. I like the idea of having some live stuff on. I quite liked it. And I was embarrassed to admit that I'm proud to call myself a feminist. And I know it's a bit dehumanising and objectifying.

No, it's all right being a feminist. But I found it very entertaining, that beauty parade. Well, I like beauty contests in general. So do I. In our house, when I was a kid, it used to be quite a big deal. Miss World would all sit around and do our own scorecards.

And also, I love a sash. I love a sash. Yeah. And it's a bit like Olympics for very good-looking people, is what I think. I suppose it is, yeah. It's all chance, of course.

The old... Holly's gone quiet, hasn't she? I just don't really know what to make of this. So you like going to see ladies being judged for how beautiful they are? No, I don't like going to see them. I won't move. I just watch it on my telly. Right.

I don't even know they get... I didn't even know they get televised, Miss World and whatnot, anymore. Well, yeah, still on the satellite, do you? Yeah, still on the satellite, yeah. What do you think Julia Morley's doing? Who's Julia Morley? I don't think it should... Who's Julia Morley?

Eric. Eric Morley. I don't think it should just be women. I think there should be men as well. You don't really. Now you're trying to claw it back. But you know, if it was men, it'd be a bit tedious. Well, it wouldn't be tedious for us.

It would be man, oh man, is what it would be. I love that show. You get Miss World, and they're judged on being beautiful. But Mr Universe is a man judged on being strong, who can pick up a car and whatnot. Yeah, so what they are, they're two different competitions. Yeah, but why should Mr Universe... universe no you're right yeah yeah why should the world cup have football when the test match has cricket yeah but why can't you have miss universe and see miss someone you know like a really beautiful

woman pick up a car but there is there is women uh there's jody march they don't have mr world no i'm not happy with this argument do you want to have a sit and think again no okay and pick up a car. But there is women... There's Jodie Marsh. Well, they don't have Mr World. No, I'm not happy with this argument. Do you want to have a sit and think again? No. OK. A beauty contest, people have been judged on their beauty.

That's why it's called a beauty contest. They don't have to enter it, all right? But how... And also, I love a bikini-court shoes combination. It's so wrong. Everything about the shoes combination. It's so wrong. Everything about the bikini says sort of flip-flops. A swimsuit with a heel, Frank. Maybe an espadrille. But it's like me going to the swimming pool in my speedos

and a pair of black patent dress lace-up shoes. Make any sense at all? So you would happily go on a plane with naked women? Hold on, that's a completely different... These women had bikini tops and sarongs. People didn't know they were coming. Anyway, I think it's a knee-jerk reaction, isn't it? A beauty contest must be sexist.

I think, you know, you've got to allow yourself to think about it and think, well, actually, easy. If it was like a juggling contest that was just women, you wouldn't say, oh, no, they're just being seen as jugglers. But would you be upset if people said, oh, I only go and see Frank Skinner's show because he's really hot and not because he's very funny? He'd love it.

Oh, God, that'd be funny. Well, I don't like the last bit much. Can't think of it. If I was doing the Frank Skinner beauty show, I'd be all right with it. Yeah, but Frank, also, why can't think of it. If I was doing the Frank Skinner beauty show, I'd be all right with it. Yeah, but Frank, also, why can't they do material? They have an opportunity in that little interview, have some gags. Yeah, well, they do.

They talk about how they do a lot of work for charity. Often they're doing a degree in law and they care about the third world. They seem like very nice people, generally. Very interested in things. Would you ever go and judge one if someone asked you if you wanted to be a judge? Oh, I don't know. That might be a bit more... Because I think in the old days, British comedians used to go and do seaside beauty pageants

in order to pick up a bit of spare. They'd get together with them, wouldn't they? Yeah, and I don't want to get involved in any of that. Those days are gone for me. Well, Bruce Forsyth met Wilnealia that way. Well, I'm not saying that was why you went. I am. Oh.

OK, well... I wonder if you said nice to see you as a chat-up line. To see you nice. And she said, well, I don't know what you're talking about. I've got to go take my heels off. Yeah, you know, I'm in the beauty bee's knees. I'd like the other of entertainment on a plane.

Don't you often walk on a plane and look down the aisle and think, what, God, this place is crying out for Skittles. Hmm. You know, you just sit there for hours and hours. They should do more. And I like that aspect of it. Do you two ever stand up and do material?

If that was my job, I'd think I'd do that. You've got a trapped audience there, surely. I was thinking about this the other day. If something goes wrong and you're a policeman or a doctor, you're obliged to step in at that moment as a professional doctor and help someone. But you notice people are bored around you as a comedian. You don't get any sort of, oh,'s a big gloomer i'm gonna have to say something now yeah obligation

as a comedian if the plane was going down you could get up and say look i know i know this seems on the face of it like a tragedy but you know what i mean they can't stop us from having a laugh can they and then do a little bit of like what cliff richard does when you know the roof it started raining at Wimbledon. He used his obligation as a singer to entertain the Yolk crowd. And people hated it. Yeah. But you'd have to brace the back leg,

because obviously the plane would be at something of an angle as it headed down towards the ocean. I promise you that still wouldn't be the worst gig I've ever done. No, exactly. Frank, did you entertain the crowds at all, by the way, at the Olympics? I heard a rumour you did. I've done gigs that I wished were on a crashing plane. Did I entertain people?

I sang. Yes, I heard you did. You haven't mentioned this. Well, I sang Hey Jude, obviously. They thought I was Paul McCartney. So, you know. Did everyone sing along, Frank? I gave them a bit.

Frank, you've done a Cliff Richard and you didn't tell us this. No, I forgot about that completely. Paul McCartney done a Cliff Richard and you didn't tell us this. No, I'd forgotten about that completely. Paul McCartney happens to him all the time. He does whole gigs. Were you sitting next to a woman that someone could have confused as your daughter? I usually am. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Thank you. What were we talking about? Can men be friends with women? Well, no, because you know there was a survey, did you, saying that... The survey said that men can't be friends with women. Oh, the survey said, yeah, it said that apparently...

Well, no, what it said is that men are far more likely to harbour an attraction to their female friends than women are. I can't look you in the eye. I cannot look you in the eye. Well, it's funny because I would say, Frank, we have a genuinely platonic friendship. There's never been any hint of doctors and nurses. My heart is breaking inside. No, but isn't that nice?

I think we disprove this rule. I think we do. How long have you been friends for, though? Well, you're trying to work out whether it was before or after my sex drive disintegrated. I'll tell you exactly when it was. Work out when Three Lions became a hit and that's when I became friends with him I'll tell you exactly when it was. Workout when Three Lions became a hit and that's when I became friends with him.

Wow, you're a glory hunter. Yes, totally. About 96, funnily enough. I was gold rather than bronze at that stage. Since about 1996 we've been friends. But, I mean, you've been safe since then because, you know. Oh, God, yeah. Like George Melly said, once your sex drive goes,

it's like getting off a runaway horse. Yeah. Fantastic sense of relief. Mm. Mm. But I'll tell you what I've been lucky with said once your sex life goes it's like it's like getting off a runaway horse yeah fantastic sense of relief but i'll tell you what i've been lucky with with the uh even women who i think you know god she she's nice yeah there was a woman i met um a few weeks ago and i thought god she's very uh very sexy woman and she said to me my grandkids are coming over this weekend and i thought that i'm quite pleased with that. My taste has grown, as I have.

So by the time I'm 70... Yeah, if she was saying, my grandma's coming over this weekend, then you'd be worried. Yeah, that would have been very bad indeed. But I think her grandma is very, very much part of the world of spirits. I often think the responsibility is on the lady in the friendship sometimes. Do you? Yes, I do.

You assume that all men fancy you. Pretty much. No, I think a lot of men can be filthy creeps, though. They can't help themselves. I'm sorry, but that's the way of the world. Yes. Well, you're safe with me. I know, darling.

I could take Kristen Stewart on holiday with me and our Pats could still sleep easy. That's the kind of character I am. Oh. But why are they called the opposite sex? Oh. Oh, I guess it's positives and negatives. Opposite sex, though, already sort of accepts

the fact that there's some sort of war going on, doesn't it? No, because it's not called the rival sex. But the opposite. The opposite to what? The other one. But they're not opposite. We've cleared that up then. You're not opposite, are you?

I am opposite you now. Oh, you are actually. That's what they meant. They meant the opposite sex if you're working in like a two-sided desk. Do you know how I think this can be best summed up? I want a male comic who shall remain nameless and was a friend of mine. He once said to me, he invited me back to his. Oh.

And now I said no, and he said, why won't you come back to mine? And I said, because you always look really happy to see me and I want to keep it that way. And he went, oh, yeah, you're right. He didn't deny it. You promised me you would never tell me. On the radio, and you come up with a male comic. I mean, for goodness sake.

I'll tell you who it was afterwards. Well, I'm having a who it was afterwards. Well, I'm having a couple of weeks off. Oh, yeah, you are? Yeah. Oh, I'm home alone. I only decided about half I do this show. I said, I'm rubbish at the moment. I need a rest.

So, yeah, so I'm away. And next week, Mary Bale is presenting the show it was the woman who put the cat in the wheelie bin I think everyone's in talk to a second chance in life

so Mary will be lock up your bins Emily will be here of course and the cat from Shrek is here looking more mournful than usual, I should think, in that situation. Holly, thanks a lot. It's lovely to see you, as ever.

And I once speculated on this show that I'd bought Holly a book, and I never heard from her that she must have hated it, but it turned out she liked it. I emailed you. Did you? I never got it. Well, I did. Oh, that one. That one I emailed you. You know that. Right, yeah.

Okay. Anyway, so our book club is recommending The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldridge by Philip K. Dick for this week's read. That's about it from us. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again next week. I won't.

I'm an oldie. What am I talking about? I don't care if the creeks rise. Let it be back again next week. I won't. I'm an oldie. What am I talking about? I don't care if the creaks rise. Let it all come. Goodbye. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.