The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Olympics

Episode Date: August 4, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Steve Williams and Emily Dean. They talk about all things Olympic and also discuss irrational hatreds, the Middletons and Emily's unfortunate flying experience.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean, and guess what? I'm with Steve Williams.

Hello, Steve. Good morning, Frank. How are you? A friend, a fully-fledged friend of the show. Oh, he's a totes friend of the show. Well, more than a friend, really. Part of the team. Yeah. You can text us on 81215, by the way, or you can follow us on Twitter using Frank on Absolute.

Well done, by the way. Or you can follow us on Twitter using Frank on Absolute. Well done, Frank. Cheers. I can now say the word Twitter without feeling like I've got dog mess in my mouth. It's an achievement. Are you on Twitter, Steve? I am on Twitter. I like dog mess. What's your handle?

My handle? Do they still say that? They do. No, because it's not CB Radio. It's your handle? My handle... Do they still say that? They do. No, because it's not CB Radio. It's more or less. It is CB Radio. Except people now are too lazy. They used to be too lazy to write.

Now they're too lazy to speak. Well, they do write, I suppose, to be fair. Carry on. My handle is underscore Steve Williams underscore. Oh, OK. I've got a lot of underscores. Divine underscore Miss underscore M. Mine's Frank Skinner. never knowingly underscored.

I've stolen it from John Lewis. Well, we've just had a tweet in from someone called John Lewis. Have we really? Yes. That is... You see, people like Russell Grant are making a living out of that, whereas I can just do it as a throwaway, a psychic moment. As a gift and a curse.

Actually, is Russell Grant making a living? No. I think I saw him selling the Big Issue. He's just buying a lot of Bill O'Eversarchie shirts. I'd love to see him selling the Big Issue. Russell Grant? Yeah. Let's face it, Russell Grant.

Just walk past him. As far as I'm concerned, Russell Grant is the Big Issue. As far as the 21st century is concerned. What does John Lewis have to have to say well i'm worried about him because he's still got an egg avatar do you know what that is frank i do i do know what an egg avatar is actually so the egg it's like it's like on my space it was the silhouette it was head and shoulder silhouette oh yeah i'm not completely out of the loop oh good boy so i'm john lewis with egg avatar says dear frank, I'm sorry, Steve, it should be.

And the unspeakably beautiful Emily. He said it, not me, Frank. He didn't say, because it was unspeakable. Well, there you go. Can I ask what led you to read this tweet out? He says, because he was called John Lewis. Scouts still have woggles, and we call them scarves, not neckers. So this is in reference to

last week you were talking about. That's not according to the scouts I'm a. Are you suggesting, John, that they were bogus scouts? I've been given a swimming badge by some sort of splinter group. Oh, that would be awful. From the scouts. You've been given a swimming badge? Yeah. What could it be like that for?

You haven't got it sewn on your sleeve? I've got it with me. Do you want to see? Yeah. You know, often when I watch the swimming during the Olympics... Can you just run the show for a bit while I get my swimming badge out? I was going to know, often when I watch the swimming during the Olympics, Frank... Can you just run the show for a bit while I get my swimming badge out? I was going to say, often when I watch the swimming during the Olympics, I think of Frank. As this is for audio, I'm going to give it a bit... There it is. Look at that.

That's incredible. I think so. Oh, it's lovely, Frank. That's going straight on my cheetah briefs. Well, now I'm confused, John, because I met these scouts and they said, we don't have woggles anymore. We do friendship knots. So they have neckerchiefs with it?

Neckers, they call them. Neckers? Well, not according to... I think, get your story straight. That's what I'm saying to the scout movement. And sort your egg out. I've said it to a few senior scouts in my time, but that's when I was working in the legal business.

Yeah. So anyway, here we are again, and we can't get round the fact there's an enormous sporting event going on in the contra. It's massive. I have to say, I don't know how I filled my time before the Olympics. Oh, it was glorious, wasn't it? I don't watch anything. I haven't watched another television programme.

There's no need. It's got it all, Frank. Is it on other channels? Is it just BBC? Is it just BBC? The only time I flick channels is when someone like Gary Lineker says, we're going over to BBC Two. Yeah.

I'm just, I'm chasing the BBC dragon. Yeah. I'm sure Claire Balding wouldn't mind me calling her that. But it's... No, it's brilliant. It's absolutely brilliant. And so many aspects. Did you cry last night when Rebecca didn't?

When she didn't win? Yeah. Oh, I felt for her. It was emotional, wasn't it? I cried when she took the cap off and the hair wasn't looking great. No, but it's true. It's difficult if you've been swimming now. I know, but she should have left it on gone back

got some product pop back to the pool have you been drinking out of frankie boyle's cup well i i there's a great thing she said after her first one she said uh she said swimming she said it's a very very difficult sport to meddle at yeah i that. And I thought use of the word medal as a verb, I like a lot. And also you know, people, she's had a lot of stick from comedians, but I salute her this morning for her clever use of ambiguity. Because to medal, but also

it's not a sport you want to just medal in. You need to give it a... I'm loving her. I think she could be the next Poet Laureate. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so, er, the Olympics. Yeah. You actually, you've been, haven't you, Steve?

I've been to quite a few events, actually. I've been to Hollywood. I've been to... Can I ask how you got tickets, Steve? How did I get tickets? I bought them. I sort of queued online and bought them. Yeah. You queued online?

Yeah. That's what those Twitter people do. We know our way around the ethers of the internet. Yeah. But I went and got tickets, went to the road race, the cycling, went to the... I'm going to have to put you up on ethers. Why? What is that? Ether?

Ether just means, like, in the gaps. Oh, OK. Is that all right? Or is that unacceptable? I'm totally happy with it. Hold on. Hi. I want to know more about the road race.

Yeah, so you saw the road race? Saw the road race, yeah. You don't have to pay to see the road race, do you? No, no. You just stand on the side. You just, the road. The road belongs to all of us. You stand on the street in Essex road the road belongs to all of us

on the street in essex exactly but it doesn't go through there but that would have been okay so which one did you do ladies or men's i did the men's uh it's pretty exciting so a nine car pile up uh you know the cars that follow the cyclists i'm always i mean if no one's hurt i'm always delighted to see any any road accident in which no one's hurt. It's one of the most exciting things you can see. What are those cars that follow the cyclists? Get off! Get out of the way! I hate them!

They're the support team. Oh, I don't like it. They're just trying to... So the support team was in a nine-car pile-up. Yeah, they all just went bang, bang, bang, bang into each other, and then they all jumped out of their cars, shouted at each other in different languages, and all jumped back in their cars and drive off. It was fantastic to watch.

Did you catch that on your video? I did, yeah, actually. And if you put Russell Grant in the house... Have you put it on... No. You haven't. Something should remain private, I think. Well, I'm surprised that's one of them.

I also went to the horses, jumping over the fences. You went to the horses? Yeah. Oh. I see you're new to a question event yeah okay I went there

which is pretty exciting as well saw a horse like because I mean it's very rarely you go to an event where you saw a horse

you must have been anticipated but it's really exciting over in Greenwich you know but what they were jumping fences

were they was it one of those one horse it wasn't it wasn't the silly walks thing no no it was the ones where they jumped not the dressage over in Greenwich, you know? But what... They were jumping fences, were they? Was it one of those? One horse. It wasn't the silly walks thing. No, no, it was the ones where they jumped the... Not the dressage. Yeah.

Over the fences. And one of the horses was going to toilet as it went over a fence. Now, if ever anyone deserved a medal... If that had dropped on a crossbar

and it had come off, would that have still counted as a failure? He's not a judge, Frank. He doesn't know. But I can tell him I would have given it a round of applause. That would have been incredible, wouldn't it, to see?

Yeah, but what about if when that horse had gone over, the dropping had landed on top of the fence and stayed there, then arguably the next horse had to jump slightly higher to clear it. If you let that carry on, by the time the last horse goes, well, he's jumping over the shard. A pile of shard. That's what he's jumping over. Frank, 437.

Yes. Frank, has the Olympics been popular in the S&M community? Well, I think the weight training. I think they love a tight leather belt. I haven't really, to be honest, I've been so Olympic involved this, I haven't spoken to any of my colleagues in the SNF community this... Colleagues?

Since, well, last weekend. We've got a mixed reception to the opening ceremony from some. But I'll check up on that because yeah, I'm enjoying it. Have you been to any events? What, in the SNF community? Thousands. Oh, have I been to any? No, no, I'm enjoying it Have you been to any events? What, in the SNM community?

Thousands Oh, have I been to any? No, no, I'm going tomorrow I'm going to the stadium tomorrow Men's 100 metres final Oh, the big one Well, you say the big one, but it's the big one Yeah, but don't go to the bathroom, it'll be over No, I know that

It usually is when I go to the bathroom But I I did think that was the big one I mean, it'll be over. No, I know that. It usually is when I go to the bathroom. But I did think that was the big one. But now I've realised that I'm completely, although I'm loving the Olympics, I haven't really entered into the Olympic spirit in as much as if Britain aren't in it, I'm not that interested. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's once we've got a goal, that's it then. I'm greedy. I'm greedy for more. So, yeah, I'm very much like that. But there's been... So you're not looking forward to it? Um, the fastest runners. Oh, God, of course.

I'm looking forward to the whole being there. Is there a British man in the 100 metres? Well, they haven't had the... Hold on, this is talking... This is turning to Five Live. If it turns into Five Live, I shall have to take my own life. Five Live. Because Five Live, let us never forget,

is Radio 4 for Dave Swift in the sales department. So, look, what we're going to do now, we're just going to have a small break, and I'm going to have a huddle, and I'm going to get this team back together, and we're going to go back to being what I think has made us the third best entertainment show in the country, officially. We're so Adlington now.

Yeah, we are. We're bronze. Yeah, I know. Well, you've been bronze for quite a long time. I wasn't going to mention it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I've been so impressed by so many people this week. And Victoria Pendleton. I only recently learned to... I haven't really learned. I'm learning to ride a bike, I would say. So I watch Victoria Pendleton. What did you do in your youth if you didn't swim and ride bikes? Heroin.

You'd think I'd be a good swimmer. I watched that and I thought the fast stuff I thought that was quite impressive cycling very fast and coming first it's good but when she then cycled with her hands in the air I thought that's the most brilliant thing I've ever seen have another medal for that

just for that didn't wobble or anything it's incredible brilliant That's the most brilliant thing I've ever said in my life. Have another medal for that. Just for that. Didn't wobble or anything. It's incredible. Brilliant. But it has been amazing. Like, I went to... I've been to the football as well. Sound like I'm bragging.

I've been to Team GD. Every time we see leaks, another event he's been to. Yeah. You're like one of those cat feeders when you go away for the weekend. It just gives a little bit of food at a time, not the whole lump. I suspect foul play, but let's leave it there. What do you think's gone on?

Well, I don't know. He's gone to too many. How can you get that many tickets? Oh, yes. Oh, come on. He's got connections. His friend, Mr. Tom Bowler.

And with the equestrian events, his friend, Mr. Jim Karner. If you get my meaning. Very good in the Rockford Files, of course. So, you went to the football. Went to the football, which was amazing, seeing Team GB compete. I must say, I've loved the Olympics. I can't watch the football team.

Yes, I know what you mean, Frank. Why not? Well, they're all under 23 for a start. Well, not all of them. Why is that a problem? Three of them aren't, or something. I have no interest. I can't get into it at all under 23 for a start. Well, not all of them. Why is that a problem? Three of them on or something. I have no interest. I can't get into it at all.

Great Britain football team. Forget about it. It's such a brilliant atmosphere. I love the Olympics. I'm loving everything. I'm watching sports I didn't know existed. I'm watching archery and stuff like that. You knew archery existed.

I knew it existed, but only in Robin Hood films. That's what they should do in the final, the silver menace of kids. I have to put clan head on when I'm watching the archery for it to really work for me. So, Arnold, you went to the football. I went to the football and the beach volleyball and incredibly... Oh, hold on, he slipped in another one. A little bit more for tiddles. A little bit more food coming out.

And I just... It's incredible. And at both events, they did the mexican wave right which is like what do you mean oh what's what's cranky guts this morning no come on i think i think most doesn't like the mexican no why do you like the mexican way i think most non-idiots don't like the mexican wave are the sort of people that would call frank a ledge The people that do the Mexican wave are the sort of people that would call Frank a ledge. If I'm honest. I don't think they are.

I don't think they are. I think they're the sort of people, and I know this is a comparison I sometimes make, they are the sort of people who constituted the rise of Nazi Germany. Not just because they stand up and put their hands in the air, I don't mean that, but if you don't, this is what I'm talking about, if you don't Mexican wave, there's a sense of mob intimidation. You know, if you don't get up. Sometimes it will go to a whole section, they don't get up, go the crow.

That is what I mean, that Nazi Germany, you have to join in with us, no matter how juvenile our behaviour. Carry on, Steve, anyway, with your love of the Mexican wave. I'm interested. The Mexican wave's a thing of beauty. No, it isn't. Oh, come on. Everybody working together for one common goal?

This is Nazi Germany. Wasn't that their motto? Yeah. I think they made the trains run on time. Was that Mussolini? Anyway, so you went. Actually, they do a new one. Don't they do a slow-mo version?

They've been doing slow-mo ones at the volleyball, which is another event I went to. Yeah, you've already mentioned that. No, beach volleyball, and this was volleyball at Earl's Court. I went to both. Are you on the BBC commentary team? Are you having an affair with Danny Boyle? What's wrong with you?

He's a bit old. What, for Danny Boyle? Yeah. Got off him now. I'd like to have been at that opening ceremony I've gone off Danny Boyle I'm just putting that out there just because he has a younger girlfriend is that what you're saying no I don't like the timing of the split with the wife

it coincided with the success in Hollywood and I don't like it there goes the knighthood ok carry on but they do a slow one yeah on. But they do a slow one. Yeah, you're right, they do a slow one. And I just think it's something everyone can get involved in. I mean, they only ever last three circuits of this stadium.

Do they? Yeah. Honestly, at both events, all three events I went to where they did one, the first lap is like, oh, you said all the idiots going... Second lap is all the middle class people going, this could be a bit of fun. Hold my olives, Nigel. And the third lap is everyone in Britain just going...

Was that homophobia? He was there with Nigel Planer. Oh, OK. Oh, wow, that must have been great. All the impressions coming out. You haven't dusted that one down for some years. Hold on, I'm waiting for the third one, come on. And the third one is just where everyone goes, All the impressions coming out. You haven't dusted that one down for some years. Hold on, I'm waiting for the third one, come on.

And the third one is just where everyone goes, well, can we stop this now? It's not as much fun as I first thought, you know? Yeah. But it has a lifespan of three circuits, and if you can't do that, I mean, come on. Didn't you see Cameron did it this week in a suit? Oh, well, that's really made me like I want to do it.

Because I want to be like David Cameron more than anything in my life. This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio. So how many tickets did you get in total, Steve? Me? Yeah. If you say me... Well, I went to five events, six tickets each event, and that's... So you got 30 tickets? 30 tickets,

yeah. Something not right. It's not quite right. What about all these people I've met who said they couldn't get any tickets at all? Yeah, like me. My connections. Well, they weren't like, they weren't like, what do you call, marquee events. That's for Frank's going to, like, the biggies. Marquee event? Yeah.

Isn't that the late singer with the four? Well. Did you see Boris by the way Boris Johnson Yeah Stuck on the zip wire Oh yeah That was brilliant wasn't it I have to say

I think after a long time I'm finally caving in on Boris Johnson Oh you're a thing of beauty I am starting to like him He's beautiful And I've really tried not to like him But he's I've decided he's irresistible.

He is. Because even that, even hanging from the wire, he handled quite well. With his two little Union Jacks. Can I just say, what happened to his body on that wire? Because he was wearing a cheap suit, which you shouldn't do with harness. But it gave him, when he only got stuck in the middle,

it gave him a sort of weird codpiece thing, where his suit was all bunched up gave him a sort of weird codpiece thing. His suit was all bunched up. No, he always wears a codpiece. I didn't like his little legs dangling like a dog in shoes. It made me feel a bit ill. Oh, I love a dog in shoes. I love a dog raised by its armpits in order to make it dance. The delicate toe against floor thing.

Especially on linoleum, so you get the nails. Oh, so beautiful. But no, I just thought if Ed Miliband was stuck on a zip wire, I think he'd actually wee. Imagine that shot on YouTube. Whereas Boris just took it in his stride. He did say something very middle class. What did he say? He went, ici nous allons,

when he got moving again. Oh, he did, yeah? What does that mean? It's like, here we go. Brilliant. That's how the French say here we go. Because he did study classics as well at Oxford. Which is, surely that's a good thing for a leader. So it also reminded me, I think, I don't know, I've probably seen

over, in my long life, probably, I'd say nearly 100,000 cartoons in newspapers and magazines. I've seen two funny ones. One of them is the famous, I think it's Bill Tidy, when it's a queue of people finding out information about the Titanic, the families of the survivors. And at the back of the queue, there's a polar bear saying, any news on the iceberg? That is a good joke. Yeah, that is. But there is one other I saw which has received no publicity,

and it was a man hanging by his fingertips from a second-storey windowsill. And on the floor below him is a ladder, and he's carrying a paint pot in his free hand, and there's a splatter of paint down the wall. So he's dangling by his fingertips from the windowsill, and there's a man standing at the garden fence saying, what kind of a favour?

And I thought, that is a truly brilliant... But there are none, anyway. But it did remind me... It's true, though. It's the easiest job. If you can draw, it's the easiest job in the world, newspaper cartoon. What do you mean, if you can draw, it's the easiest job?

That's like saying, if you can fire arrows, archery's the easiest job in the world. No, because it's supposed to be a drawing and a joke is the way it's supposed to work. But what it is, all newspaper cartoons are drawing without comedy at all. Just saying that. I don't know why they exist. You must have read strips and thought, hello, why?

Handicap. He's getting his rest in. I mean, I like Handicap for his profound working classness, but he wasn't. Look him back. I like Handicap. classness, but he wasn't looking back. I like handicap. Looking back, he wasn't very funny. I don't think. So you think, you actually weren't in the country.

I actually wasn't in the country. I was in Florida. So what was quite weird... But it meant, it was quite weird watching the Olympics. It threw this sort of slightly refracted prism of, there was this sort of American spin on everything. So you'd be just thinking, oh, great, I can watch Bradley. But they'd cut from something like the Bradley Wiggins race, and they'd go, we're just going to go over to the men's water polo now

with Casey Schroeder. You're like, hang on a second, you can't do this. It's so weighted in terms of... Well, I suppose every country does that. We do like, hang on a second, you can't do this. It's so weighted. But I suppose every country does it. We do it, don't we? Of course we do. Frank, I hate that they keep saying this. Why do they say USA? We don't say GB. Why do they say that? Do they say USA?

Yes, they say USA. It's horrible. I didn't know that. It's a bit Nuremberg. I don't like it. I don't think I've ever, ever been prouder to be British than I was at one point this week. And honestly, I thought, oh, man, I love this country. And that was when they booed those badminton players.

Yes. You never hear that level of booing at the Olympics. And it was really, it was the British thinking this isn't fair. And I love that. Yeah, but fine. I think it's more the British thinking I've paid £18 to get in. I feel sorry for those badminton players. That's because you're Welsh, you don't feel part of it.

Let's face it, you're all trying to get your independence. Oh my God. Frank, you've forgotten what a lovely close family Great Britain is. Where was your captain when we needed him, eh? Brian Giggs? Yeah. Don't ask that question. Never ask that question.

What was he saying? Do you know, one of those badminton players, that's my favourite thing that's happened in the Olympics, but do you know Yu Yang? No, I didn't know that. Oh, okay.

Yu Yang, she's now retired, she's actually quit. Yeah. But do you like what she said? She said, farewell, dear badminton. That is lovely. But they were so what she said? She said, farewell, Deb Abmenton. That is lovely.

But they were so... It's funny they cheated a bit. There was Italian footballers in the crowd thinking, this is rubbish cheating. What kind of cheating is this? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Very nice. We'd better leave the Olympics alone, because people who don't like the Olympics, well, I just think they've taken leave of the country, have they not? I'll have no truck with them. It is everywhere.

Although last weekend I went to a wedding, and it didn't penetrate that at all. There's nothing... Which was quite nice to sort of get away from it all for a little bit. Although I did see... I did see... I got really angry for a reason. although i did see it was i did see it i said i got really angry for a reason i don't know why really there was a guy there in a suit um yeah

that again you were shocked to see horses at the address to you and now it's a man in a suit at a wedding what's going on yeah that flower thing what was all that about? Yeah, but Frank in Wales, sometimes. They might wear a football replica shirt or something. I'm just saying. Well, the groom, of course. Yeah. But there was a guy in a suit, but he was wearing sunglasses with his suit, which I thought was...

Not in the chapel. In the church. No. And he was wearing sunglasses with his... Now, I got really annoyed because, you know... And also that laboratory he had with him. I mean, who takes that to it? Oh.

So he wasn't... He didn't have any kind of sighting problems. No sight... No, he wasn't famous. He didn't have any sight problems. Oh. I love he wasn't famous. He wasn't even a celebrity.

He's no person. But is he? If someone's a celebrity... Was there a shaft of light coming through the stained glass right onto his face? No. Oh, OK. He was just a... Yeah. He through the stained glass right onto his face? No. Okay. He was just a, yeah. He was just a normal person, you know.

Yeah. Because I just couldn't believe that he, and he wore them inside. I just thought it was outrageous. I thought, I got really wound up with it and I wanted to sort of flick them off his head. But, you know, from the back. That would have been good. That would have been a good thing to do. Were they sunglasses proper or?

No. They were sports ones. No. They were the sporty Oakley ones. You know those Oakley ones, which, you know, obviously... Oh, yeah, no, I know them. I just haven't seen them since 1996. No, that's...

I think you'll find that's Medeal and Skinner. But, um... No, I do... I ate a sunglasses inside thing, it's ridiculous. Yeah, and I just found myself getting so, sort of, wound up. I didn't think you were a man who had that kind of being a rage thief. Oh, yeah. I mean, if I see, like, you know, if I see, like, diced chicken or grated cheese, it drives

you mad. Little things, tiny things. Oh, hold on. Grated cheese drives you mad. You know when you buy pre-grated cheese? Oh, yeah. Not pre-grated. You don't like that. on grated cheese drives you mad you know when you buy pre-grated cheese oh pre-grated you don't like that oh it drives you mad you how can you not hate that surely if you can't work a greater you know you've got bigger problems but you know i tend to buy my cars already assembled why not buy my food um disled? That's this week's texting. What if you're cash rich, time poor? I'm just saying.

Then that comes in very useful. Cash rich, time poor. No. Excellent stuff. I tell you what, I really... If we're going to talk about things we hate and we don't know why, what I really, really have got angry about, and that's the £2 coin.

Oh! The £2 coin. Why fine? Because I still, how long's it been around, the £2 coin? Exactly, we don't know the answer. For me, in my pocket, it's never fully integrated with the other coins. I still don't really see it. Well, it is. It's two coins, it's two colours.

I mean, I hate the two colours thing. Why? The brass on it. It looks like a slice of arctic roll. The brass on the outside. Make your mind up. Pick a colour and stick with it. That's what I'd say.

No, but it's too ornate. I know what you mean. The fiddly... Yeah. It's a bit Game of Thrones money, isn't it? It's baroque. It's baroque. I'll go as far as to say that. There's a bit Game of Thrones money, isn't it? It's baroque. It's baroque. I'll go as far as to say that.

There's people at home thinking, what, it's some sort of health drink. No. It's too ornate. Yeah. See what, you've started me on it now, on the two pound coin thing. If I get any, I just give them to the homeless.

It's less coin, more medallion. Do I give them to the homeless or do I throw them away? No, I throw them away. Sorry, I couldn't remember which one it was. I don't want to... If a homeless person held one of those, it would just be wrong, wouldn't it? A £2 coin?

Yeah. Because they're flash. They're all about flash. Whereas it seems to be saying, this is what you're missing out on. Oh, God. Music? Music or resignation? Come at my mind up. Seems to be saying, this is what you're missing out on. Oh, God. Music?

Music or resignation? Coming my mind up. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Williams, and you can text us on 81215 and you can follow us on Twitter using it Frank on Absolute.

We've had some texts in, Frank. You have, I haven't. Really irrational hatreds. Oh, irrational hatreds, of course. We have. We've had one from 437. I hate crocs. Please back me up here, Emily.

And pigeons... Oh, I'll back you up. And pigeons eating sick too. Yeah. I wonder if there's anyone out there who Oh, I'll back you up. And pigeons eating sick, too. Yeah. I wonder if there's anyone out there who thinks, I'll tell you what I love. Pigeons eating sick.

It's one of my favourites. Daisy doesn't... Daisy, our producer, doesn't like crocs. No? Why don't you like crocs? She's folding her arms like Les Dawson.

Don't even mention, don't even mention crocs to me. What's wrong with crocs, Emily? Um, what's right with them? Easy to put on. Surely when they've got a light-hearted button badge or two. Doesn't that lift? Doesn't that lift a Croc?

That's my worst thing ever. Oh, is it? I can't bear them. I don't like a comedy. I don't want my clothes to be comical. Or light-hearted. I like an inter-comedy. No, I don't.

My clothes. Hence this blue crush velvet catsuit I'm wearing this morning. A bit tighter than I remembered, I have to say. I suppose I put a bit of dad fat on. Frank 376, whilst we're on the subject of shoes, I hate it when you see price labels on new shoes. On the bottom of shoes. When I see them on people walking in front of me, it gives me the shivers.

Well, you should join the Roman Catholic Church. Because when we all go down to Neil, sometimes I'll see three price tags in the same row. Often bargain ones. You know when you get the ninth label on and the price has steadily gone down? It's becoming almost a platform soul of price tags. Yeah, he said that.

One of the few disadvantages of being a Roman Catholic, I would say. Still, if you're going to get into heaven, I suppose it's a small price to pay. Nice. And relax. There you go, heaven on absolute radio. Frank, did you have a posh do this week? I did. How was it?

You've been quite mysterious about this. What is it? Well, I went to a do that was so posh that you had to take a picture identification. What? What passport? To prove it was you. Oh, that counts me out then. Yeah, so it was... Have you got an old picture ID? No, I'm just saying I don't like taking passports.

All right. Tanya Snoggs, our own Tanya Snoggs, we had a terrible moment. Considering we were absolute colleagues, we had a terrible moment when we were separated by the velvet rope. The velvet rope of fame. So I was on the red carpet and she was just outside it with a microphone. Did you order out a handful at the end of Titanic?

It was like that. It was like that moment when Leo and Kate got together. Not in the car, but just generally in first class. Oh, that's a shame. And it was absolute snogsy, by the way. That's her Twitter name. I don't know all that against her. So that was a lovely

moment, but I was on my way in and she was on her way home. Oh. It's not right. No, it's not right. I was on my way in, didn't even turn back. No, there's no turning back. It was like Dick Whittington. I had to keep going.

But it's embarrassing that she saw you. She was in the Muggles pen. No, I won't have that said about Tanya. She looked perfectly happy. Okay. Yes. So the way a cat does when you put it in the sack. Does it now what?

So anyway, so I went past. So I felt I'd already broke my absolute colleague code by going in. But well, I mean, David Cameron was colleague code by going in. But, well, I can't... I mean, David Cameron was there. What? Wow. David Cameron gave a speech. Really?

Yeah, he didn't like to go anywhere and not give a speech. Nice. Was it David was still 50? He was in formal barbecue. No, it wasn't. He just got up and did a speech anyway. Yeah, all right, David. Sit down now.

And I think the British people, yes. No, he did... I'm not a fan of... I mean, you know, you have to be apolitical when you're an absolute. But I vote Labour, and I... Me too. I'm not a fan of... That's not a joke, I do.

People never believe it of me, because they assume I'm right-wing, but I do. Yeah. So there you go, just putting it out there. I like people to know. Well, anyway, but he's... I hate the fact that he's quite good at it his speech was quite good really i thought was it don't be good what was he talking about when i met chris de burr in the pits at silverstone and he was nice well i thought chris de burr i thought i thought don't be nice i don't want you to be nice i want you you to be... He's lovely, Christopher.

So, and then there was a guest. Can you believe that David Cameron, the Prime Minister, was there? And there was a guest that was an even higher profile than that. When are we going to find out what it is? After I play all this magnificent music. Oh. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So I'm at this party and the Duchess of Cambridge is there. Shut up. Yeah. Thank you. So it's It's the most teary this show has ever gone. Yeah, she's there.

Kate? Kate was there. Oh, M.G. So I've never seen her in the flesh before. What did you think? They suddenly separated the crowd, like Moses at the Red Sea. He wasn't there as well. No, he wasn't there.

I think he was due to come, he pulled out the last minute. Not with David Baddiel. I think he had tickets for the white lifting. But anyway, so they parted the crowd to make way for her to come through. So through comes, I still

think of her as Kate Middleton, but she's officially obviously the Duchess of Cambridge. And I've always thought she's a very she looked beautiful she did look beautiful but she looked like a beautiful oriental woman I could easily imagine her throwing a badminton game

she really did look I don't know if she she'd just done it for the night for a lark but you know as far as Harry goes as the Did you again? Yeah, I was... I don't know if she'd just done it for the night, for a lark. But, you know, as far as Harry goes as the German to the thingy party, she thought, what if I just go in a kind of a, you know, Suzy Wong type thing? What was the dress like, Frank? Did you notice it? It was...

Oh, don't just say a colour, please. Grey. Oh. I don't know what... I didn't look for the label. It's not the sort of woman you can read sat on the back of the neck. Well, this is true. I mean, I could have? Grey. Oh. I don't know. I didn't look for the label. It's not the sort of woman you can read sat on the back of the neck. Well, this is true.

I mean, I could have been shot. Yeah. But it was quite exciting. Was she jaw-droppingly beautiful? No. Oh. Interesting. I was watching her.

You know, there was a public display of affection with her and William this week when he grabbed her at the velodrome. Now, that was a great moment because without wishing to sound seedy, when he grabbed her at the velodrome. Now, that was a great moment because without wishing to sound seedy, as he grabbed her on the waist, he sort of forced an impromptu crop top on her.

No, she knew what she was doing, Frank. I've done that at major sporting events. She thinks she was whispering, bear my stomach, bear my stomach. Frank, at major sporting events, I've intentionally gone just a little size too small and then when you reach up for the celebration, you know, a little bit of exposure will happen, you when you reach up for the celebration you know a little bit of exposure will happen a nice bit of attention she knew what she was doing there's

a lot of blokes that are at the hawthorns i wish they wouldn't luckily um celebration will be at a premium this season i would have thought so um anyway so that was very exciting and i the great thing was as you went past i was standing was standing with Gary Kemp and Michelle Ryan. Really? As if the three of us... Can I be honest? Now it's gone down a bit. Well, I think the three of us... No, I'm sorry, Frank.

We were placed to represent Celebrity Past. Like a screw. Like a screw. Exactly. But, yeah, we joined hands and looked mournful. They actually powdered us slightly to look spectral. So that was it. But, so then I'm looking, because it's at the Royal Academy,

so there's art on the wall. Oh, lovely. So I thought, you know, I can't stand you looking. I spoke to Andrew Marr and all that. Oh. Did he drive in that little car? Lovely. He spoke to me like a catholic priest speaks

to a person when they leave in church he speaks to you with the handshake on one hand but the other hand on the shoulder moving you along it's nice to see you Frank for 30 seconds he had that kind of but you know that's fair enough he's a busy man but I was looking at some

some art on the wall, and then you'll never guess who I met next. Oh, my God, who? This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. So I'm looking at this art in the Royal Academy, and I'm looking at some Tracey Hemming drawings. Nice. Oh, yeah. And then I look over to the left, and at some Tracey Hemming drawings. Nice. Oh, yeah.

And then I look over to the left and there's Tracey Hemming. Oh, wow. Shut up. Yes. Shut up, mate. So, Tracey Hemming, you may not know, Steve, has texted the show a few times. Oh, right. Okay. And... She's a friend of the show. She is officially a friend of the show. I'll offer

mine to play the jingle. Oh, go on. Well, I will if I can find it. We love a bit of Trace, we do. Oh, I can't find it. It's nothing like a pre-jingle tension. Anyway, she is a friend of the show. So we went over and we embraced.

Oh. Very nice. And chatted for a... And it was great. And she was very lovely and very nice about the show. Although she did say, what I like about it, she said, because sometimes, like, it's not funny for ages. And I thought, we're not going to get on.

We're really not going to get on. And then she said, and then it gets really, really funny. And I thought, well, OK, fair enough. I'll settle for that. I like her honesty. I didn't like that particular aspect of it, no. All I want to hear is brilliant I keep telling people that

I keep telling Kath I don't want criticism I want just that was brilliant even if it's rubbish so we dined out we had fish and chips in Posh restaurant did you? I was with you and Trace? and my girlfriend's sister

who is the only woman now that my girlfriend will allow me to date she's not available and it was it was fab and uh i'll tell you what we were talking about jokes yeah and and tracy told us a joke and i you may have heard this i think it's a really fine joke and only that, but it was a springboard for a whole joke-based conversation, which I want to share with you. So she said to me, I see you may have heard this, I haven't heard it before, what did the zero say to the eight? Yeah.

Do you know it? No. I do know it, yeah. Okay, so what is it, Steve? It's a nice belt. Nice belt. What did the zero say to the eight? Oh, I understand it, yeah.

Yes. Yeah. And Tracy said she'd built on this, so she'd developed... What did the eight say to the zero? What? Where's your belt? So, of course, I thought, I can't let an artist beat me at my own game.

I'm not sitting here doodling, saying, what do you think of that? So then I had a go, and she was very disapproved. Mine was, what did the eight say to the Scandinavian zero? Oh, have you been in a beauty contest? Because it's got a sort of a sash-like... It's quite complex, though. It is quite. I mean, that's what she said. I'm not being rude, but it requires a lot of knowledge.

No, I know. She was all right with that one. She was very anti my next one, which was what did the eight say to the continental seven? That belt's too big for you. So it went on. So I think we can fairly say that she won on the joke spot. I think I'd say that. I'm still working on it.

I lay in bed that night doing it with, I thought, letters. I can use letters. Why stop at numbers? This time next week I'll be using Tibetan hieroglyphics. If there was such a thing. I'm glad you had dinner with Trace. It was smashing because we were like pen pals

before. What an incredible party, though, that all those people are there. An array of people. And Nick Rhodes was there. Oh, nice. Too much powder, Nick Rhodes. Do you think? On his face, I mean. Yeah. Sorry, I mean. Yeah.

OK. Sorry, I thought he was one of your old colleagues from the 90s. I don't know, he still looked pretty good to me. Did he? He looked good. I'll tell you what he wasn't as good as. What? He wasn't as good as this.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I think it might be time for...

Email Corner. The jingle. I'd love to think that's you playing that. That was read by one of our listeners. Was it? No, frank don't lie with george harrison and they were in michigan they'd gone to rishikesh for a couple of weeks don't lie just after i burgled his house remember when he got burgled oh that was a terrible man and he said oh dear he said something like he he the idea was he didn't want them to know it was George Harrison. He shouted, Harry Krishna.

George. George, he gave the game away completely. So, yeah, so we get emails in the week, you see, from our listeners. Because, you know, it's like 2020 cricket versus the five-day test match. Some people, they're texting, it's bang, it's instant. Some people, they like to let a thought marinate we do well par example we'll kick off email corner with um some correspondence from dr louis amon i like the sound of that i worried it was an email scam he'd be very confusing person to play tick with this He says, Dear Frank, in April,

you were talking about an origami structure called Yuranashi Fortuneteller. I didn't call it that. What I was on about is those things you have at school. It looks like a floor, like a paper flower, and you put, like, favourite column. By the time you get into the depths of it, it's who you're going to go out with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But someone said to us it was a chatterbox. I someone texting that's what it's called because i never had a name oh i see well he's saying some people call it a chatterbox but it is not and it is called

urination that'll take the fun out of it so when you hear people say i could do the urination they mean uh yes well i never knew that. That's from Dr. Louis Amon. We also had another email, Frank. Dear Frank, thought I'd tell you about my new OOC, Olympic Obscure Crush. Can I just say something before you go on to this? Is that truly origami... Yes.

One thing you can't do with origami is draw on the thing. The whole thing is that it's done just by the paper, isn't it? Absolutely. So once you start writing on the fortune teller, you've kind of killed the origami element, haven't you? You know, have you ever seen a balloon modeller who'll do a balloon and then suddenly get a felt pen out and draw a face on it?

I think, no, no, no, no. You're a purist. You need to do that in some sort of balloon-based way. Don't just write a face. I could get a balloon and draw Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead on it. Have I balloon-modelled Jesus raising Lazarus? No. OK.

I'm going to make that point. I'm on. Doctor, I'm on. I'm on. Doctor, come on. Come on. Yeah, I had an email about, someone wanted to tell you

about their new Olympic obscure crush. Oh yes, I saw this one. I don't know whether it's the skills that appeal, but I wonder if any of you

had found this phenomenon occurring during the Olympics. Have you fancied anyone Who is her crush though? Oh, she's, he's called Jacob Wookie. Jacob Wookie.

Jacob Wookie. Yes. And he's an archer. He's an American archer. She does say, I know he looks a bit weird, but definitely a bit of hillbilly sheep. Well, there is a bit of hillbilly sheep, but I looked up Jacob Wookie.

So, oh, Frank, well done. And what did you think? Well, let me put it this way. I looked at his Facebook page. You looked at his Facebook? Yeah. This is getting a bit personal. Why don't you look at his Facebook page? Just in case you think he's the sort of person you want to go out with,

can I say he's a member of Campus Campaign for Christ. I mean, I personally follow the Nazarene, but I'm already frightened. He supports wolf hunting in Idaho, Montana and Wyoming. And when it says books that you read, it says the Bible. And other than that, I don't. Do you know, Frank, I can see that bloodhound peering out of that pickup truck already. Well, you say that. I can see the noose being made at home.

And then, even worse, favourite music, he says, you play it, I'll listen to it. Now, it's that kind of attitude that started Magic FM. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I think we are still in the very midst of... Emails on Earth. It's beautiful. There's no other word for it. Yeah, we were talking about...

Jacob Wookie. Jacob Wookie. Who was someone's obscure Olympic crush. Who we've established could be a dangerous individual. Who actually looks... Can I say? Who sent us that? That was from...

Oh, was she... Her name, actually, Steve. Well, anyway... She sensibly remained anonymous. If you're listening, I think Jacob Wookiee, the archer, looks a bit like the captain, Ali Carter. Do you know Ali Carter, the snooker player? No.

So, I'm doing a sort of an Amazon. People who bought this also bought it. So if you like Jacob Wookie, you'll also like Ali Carter. Called the captain because he's got a flying licence. So, using that same principle then, if I like, which I do, he's not really obscure, he's the new one, which is Ryan Lochte, who's my favourite. Are you familiar with his work?

Oh my God. OMG. Have you seen the man? He was the one that the mother came out and said, he doesn't have, my son doesn't have time for relationships, he just has one night stands. Oh dear. And then she had to apologise the next day and said, I did not know what that meant. I thought that meant

dating. It was a terrible thing. That's possible. The accent makes you think, yeah, you might not have known what it meant. I've also got my eye on Liam Tancoc. Lovely. Hold on. Frank! I'm just biting my tongue.

What's his name? And it's gone. I don't know who that is. Oh, he's very easy on the eye. He does a great backstroke. Oh, he's another easy on the eye. He does a great backstroke. Oh, he's another swimmer. They're all swimmers. I know.

They're too long, swimmers. Too long. That's not true. Too broad of a shoulder. The German gymnast, Philip Boy, love him. I don't want to be in bed with someone who sleeps vertically. Not vertically, yeah. What's the word when you go from one corner to another?

Diagonally. Diagonally. Thanks very much for that. Sorry if there's any geometricians Sorry the Poisoner has just admitted that she's got a thing for Felpsy which I find extraordinary Felpsy, he's so last year

The swimmers all look pretty much the same they're all very very long and lean They're not all Olympic athletes are aren't they I saw, I went to the volleyball There's some big ones there's some big, I was watching one of our shot putter blokes yesterday. Oh, he'd be nice for me. He was a large

gentleman. I like the shot putter. Is that your obscure Olympic cross? Because if you had a fight with him, you could throw your handbag the length of the room. Yeah, oh, fine. They look lovely in a belt as well. Nice belt. I like the weightlifting belts. Um, Frank, we've had another email. I'm loving it. They're flowing

in. This is from Trevor. He says, Hi Frank, I had an idiotic eureka moment listening to your show. That's when you don't get something, which a lot of people get. I don't mean like smallpox. I mean the fact that Sooty and Sweep are

punning names on the old Timmy Sweep phenomenon. OK. A listener was talking about... Well, I've saved him here. What he actually said was, a listener said about movie spoiler titles, and I'm changing it to a listener was talking about movie spoiler titles and brought up the dam busters.

I had no idea the film was called that because they bust the dam. I did think it was the name of the plane. I feel so stupid. If Emily is ever in the Kent area and fancies hanging out with the sexiest man in Kent, she is Lea Belle. It's another night's move. We get a lot of these, Steve.

People make the point. This is the thing about how film titles can either give the game away or mislead you. For example, the Lady Killers don't. But then we get some emails that are talking about something, like you might say, oh, lovely day today, and, you know, I've always loved you. It's like that.

It's like that. Can I just say, I've now had offers from Birmingham, Edinburgh and the Kent area. Are you thinking about doing a tour? It's like being The One Show. Shouldn't you get photos of them stuck onto card with slight bobbling, which is what they do on the one show? It's like getting university offers, isn't it?

Those are my three offers at the moment. And this man is Birmingham and Kent. He's the city exactly. Have you filled in your ochre? How dare you? He's officially the sexiest man in Kent. I'm going to Google him. But is that official title? Is that something he's made up? I don't know. He's given the sexiest man in Kent. I'm going to Google him. But is that official title?

Is that something he's made up? I don't know. He's given that to himself, surely. We're back to the satin sash, aren't we? I think he's got a satin sash on the back of a chair. Sexiest man in Kent. Hey, Steve, Google Trevor, sexiest man in Kent. If you cared about this show,

you'd go and see all these people and then tell us about the dates. You'd give of yourself, that's all I'm saying. Frank, I think it's now time for what I call Lagerfeld Corner. Oh, yes. Now, the last time we had a Carl Lagerfeld discussion, he was doing something with his cat, wasn't he?

Yeah. She's claiming his cat could operate an iPad. Carl Lagerfeld is essentially almost a friend of the show now. We talk about him so often on this show. I can't say I'm warm to him. No, well... In case you don't know, he's...

I rather love him. He's the fashion designer. Is he a designer? Yes, he's got his own label and he's also the creative director of Chanel. Yeah, and he looks like Billy Idol's corpse. I love him. It's all right. Well, I love Billy Idol, dead or alive.

But he's now... I think Russell Brand will become Karl Lagerfeld. I do, but carry on. The thing about Karl is he's not one to mince his words. No. Which is more than I can say for his walk. Carry on. He's now come out talking about the Middleton sisters.

He's discussing Pippa and Kate. What it turns out, he's a huge fan of Kate. He says she is the right girl for that boy. Yes, that boy. That boy. Prince William. He says, I like that kind of woman. I like romantic beauties.

He said she got a great silhouette. Lovely silhouette. I would agree with that. What? I use that term unironically. She's got a great silhouette. Yeah, I think it means like a nice figure. Yes, it does.

That's what you call it. It's a fashion term. Oh, is it? Yes. Great silhouette. I thought he was looking at her shadow. What a lovely shadow she casts. Yeah, he's a very shy man.

I can't look him in the eye. I never even noticed her shadow the other night. What a fool I was. Vampire. Then he said of Pippa, then he turned, Frank. Carl's turned. No, I thought it was on Carl. I'll tell you what he said. He said, on the other hand, her sister struggles.

I love the concept of struggling with your... Look, shall we just start saying that? John Sargent, he struggles. I think he's given up. Look at her, Shuley. Struggles. She's a bit of a national institution, isn't she? She's beloved.

She's a lovely looking woman, Shuley. Charles says, I don't like the sister's face. She should only show her back. Now, there's many things wrong with that. For a start-up, I think she's got a very, very interesting face, Pippa Middleton. If anyone says that about me, I'll shoot myself. No, no, but apart from the fact that it's generally...

I will absolutely shoot myself. It's generally beautiful, but I don't know if you ever noticed this, but she has a very happy lower part of her face, whereas her eyes always look like she could cry at any moment. Oh, sad eyes. And it's a great combination. If you can imagine someone had, like, a stable door. Say two neighbours had ordered their stable doors to be painted,

one with a happy face and one with a sad face, and the doors had got mixed up. And the happy upper door... Now, the unhappy upper door had turned up with the lower happy face that's the farmhouse I'm approaching when I see Pippa Middleton I think we'll move on, I want to come back to this

because I think he's wrong, Carl in so many ways Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Can anyone... Is there anyone out there, by the way...

Because I always think, Steve, that our readers are like... Our readers, our listeners are better than Google. They know everything. OK. This thing, the very lovely Victoria Pendleton one, it's called the Kieran. Yes, why has this come into play, the old Kieran? Today's events are the Nathan and the Gavin.

They're all slightly modern names that you don't like much. Yeah. The Kieran. I thought that was odd as well. Have you ever seen the Madison, that cycle race? No. It's the most impossible to judge. Some people ride round and they say,

oh, that's great for the Uruguayan, then some more people, oh, gold medal for Italy. And you've no idea what's happened at all. No idea. Sorry, carry on. Yeah, we've had some texts in. 202, you know, you were sort of workshopping that numbers joke with Trace, under the had some texts in. 202, you know you were sort of workshopping that numbers joke with Trace

under the show Tracey Emin. The root of this was the joke, what did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt. 202, Lynette in Civilian Life. Steve laughed at that joke. I like the way you read it like a newsreader, the way you just come down on the end of it. A belt. Now it's become an academic thing,

because we're working on it, and the listeners have joined in. I thought they might. It's a live workshop. Lynette says, what did the 10 say to the 1? 10 said to the 1? Don't know. You've lost a lot of weight recently.

10 said to the 1. OK. Do you get it? lost a lot of weight recently. Ten say to the one. Okay. Do you get it? Can I explain it? I think... Because the zero's gone. What did the one say to the eight when the ten went past?

I can't even begin to think of one. What did the one... That's a scenario. Listen, what did the one say to the eight when the ten... Where's the eight? Listen, just wait a minute. What did the one say to the eight when the ten Where's the eight? Listen, just wait a minute. What did the one

say to the eight when the ten walked past? Well, he's done well. Punching above his weight. That fat bloke's done well. That's actually right. It was harder to understand. That wasn't the end

of Lynette's joke. So what did the ten say to the one? You've lost a lot of weight recently. Yeah, but the weight is separate. It's a separate entity this era. How pedantic are you? I'm sorry, Lynette. Just keep working. What did the one, you've lost a lot of weight recently. Yeah, but the weight is separate. It's a separate entity, this era.

I'm sorry, Lynette. Just keep working. What did the one say back? Don't know. So have you, but who's your fat friend? Now, that's okay. If you lose the initial bit... Yeah, but they're the same weight. The two ones are the same weight. God, you are so harsh on other people's numbers jokes when it comes to your own.

Well, you should hear Tracey Emin on my versions. You've got eight, one past. Here's one for you, Frank. This you should hear Tracy. I mean, on my versions, you've got eight wandering past. Here's one for you, Frank. This will cleanse your palate. Why was six scared? Why was six scared? I don't know. Because seven, eight, nine.

Hmm? Yeah. Yeah. That's enjoyable. That sounds like it was already a number. Cannibalism. I like your sort of grudging respect. Nodded, Frank.

I like that. Yeah. That's good. One met eleven, who's your friend? Okay. So, um... We were also talking about, um... Oh, that's a good one.

We were talking... Go on, Steve. It's from 437. What did eight say to the three? Um, you're half the man you used to be. No. That's almost as good. Go on.

Go on. What is it? It's actually better. What is it? That is better. Go on. It's basically what did 8 say to the 3? Ooh, that must have hurt.

That's good. That is good. And I threw some acting in as well. That's how much I believed it. Okay. Okay. What did day 1 say to the 7? Oh, I...

And then the 5 was walking past cooking an omelette. No, nice umbrella. it. Okay. What did the 1 say to the 7? Oh, you were throwing it and then the 5 was walking past cooking an omelette. No, nice umbrella. Yeah, that kind of works. Nice baseball cap. 1 to the T. Would it be 1 to the capital T? The I. 1 to the capital T. Okay, so...

There's letters in there now. That's alright, I think. You're mixing your mediums. I am. Sorry, can we just briefly go back to... Derek Okora. I'm mixing up with... Who's the other one?

Graham... What's he called? Oh. Martin... Fry. Martin Chuzzlewit. Martin Chuzzlewit. Exactly.

Frank. Yes. Can we go back... What is it? Can we briefly step into... What are you talking about? That's just... If you imagine I was off one week and a Dalek sat in for me.

This is a Dalek on Absolute Radio. I mean, I think it'd be all right for the first five minutes. But then you think, oh, I don't know if I can cope with a Dalek much more. What else is on? Can we... And now it's over too. Zora Solomon with the travel

I think okay Leave it now, switch it off Anyway, sorry Could we briefly just Step back into Lagerfeld Corner again Oh yes Because I was interested to hear your views We know what Carl thinks about Pippa and Kate

He's left no ambiguity As far as that goes I think they're both attractive women. I think Pippa has got something she's got a lovely shiny face, Pippa. Pippa? Yeah. Don't you find that?

If you were looking say if the bulb went in the garage at night, if you're living near Pippa, you could say, Pippa can you just come and have a look in our garage i'm just looking um you reflect some moon yeah i'm just looking for a bit of antifreeze and she'd have just come in and yeah yeah what i don't think though i don't i do not agree with the whole pippa middleton amazing bomb thing that's an. I think it's perfectly fine but it's not really

an amazing... I don't want to be the Empress Clothes. I don't want to be the party organiser's bomb kid. Yeah, but you say that as someone who's won rear of the year, don't you? Exactly. So don't talk to me about behinds. I wasn't

planning on it. No. Well, you did say to me earlier that a woman has to choose as she gets older between her behind and her face. You do. Which are you going to sacrifice? Really? Yes. I'll sacrifice. Text it. I must say I've made that choice a few times myself. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. Frank, what did four say to three? Nice bum. Do you understand? Stunned into silence. Oh, that's because in sequence, three's rounded area should be fine. It's a bit Kardashian three. What would have been better is what did one say to four?

That is a big nose. That works, doesn't it? Absolute shock. If I was you, I think your big mistake then was, by starting that, was saying, what would be even better? What you meant was, what's not quite as good is... OK. Jessica Ennis is on the telly every two minutes.

What's going on? And her stomach looks like have you ever sat on a nice leather chest of film that's what her stomach looks like looks like it's been upholstered with studs to keep the heat lovely we've had a tweet in as well

it's spelt Kieran about Kieran the cycling racing it's spelt Kieran and is Japanese for racing wheels, where it originated. But surely you could call any cycling race that, then. Mm. Where racing wheels are surely used. Yeah.

But that's what it's called, Kieran. Kieran, OK. And what about the Madison? Madison, they haven't gone back on yet. No. They're still thinking. Oh, they haven't come back on yet. They're still thinking. They haven't come back on yet. That's all very well.

I thought that was quite optimistic that they do know. I just put my faith in the audience. Oh, no, they'll know. Don't worry about that. They know everything. Frank, just about me for a minute. You may notice I'm looking rather tanned. I haven't told you about my Florida trip. Well, I won't tell you about the whole trip because that's more boring

than listening to people's problems, listening to people's holiday stories. But we're in the league table is listening to people's dreams. Oh, that's awful. That's unacceptable. Or people's very happy relationships. Forget about it. Or people saying, I'm just so

lucky. Yeah. I'll go away. Yeah. Forget it. I was telling Tanya Snogs just that night from the red carpet. Has she got a new taxi? I'm so blessed. Has she got a taxi? I think she... Walked home in the rain. I think she had a... She's so lovely, actually.

Very lovely, snuggly. She is snuggly. I want a snuggler. She is snuggly. I know. I don't mean, if anyone's listening, I don't mean in a sexual way. I mean in an affectionate way. Carry on. But, Frank, the holiday itself was lovely. It didn't get off to the most auspicious start, though. I won't lie.

It started when I was queuing, so I'm checking in my bag, and there was a lady... At the airport? Yes. OK. And there's a lady looking at me... She went by boat. David Bowie gets the queueE2 across the Atlantic.

He doesn't exist anymore, does he? No, but he gets... The one time I met him, he told me he'd come over on the QE2 and watched a lot of DVDs in his cabin. He probably doesn't like flying. He might have a Dennis Bergkamp thing. I said to him, is your eye all right? Anyway, carry on.

Those teeth knew you said that as well um so anyway so this woman in the queue is looking at me yeah he picked up a quites injury on the way over sorry woman in queue she's looking at me and you know when someone's staring at you and i broke frank i got irritated i said yes i said yes I sometimes do that, yeah. Now, when I say something like this, Emily goes, oh! Oh! And she looked at me and she said,

oh, I was just wondering where you got your shoes. They're really beautiful. Oh, they're actually nice. Yeah, but you flipped them. I felt awful. I was mortified. And then I felt humbled, which put me in an even worse mood that I'd been forced to feel humbled.

What I like about it is a lot of people will travel in a jogging pant and maybe a Birkenstock. Clearly not the case with Emily. Not me. The Bhutans. Then, Frank, so I'd just gone over that, indignity, I'm going to call it, having to feel humbled, just settling down, and then I see the child. I'm going to call him

Satan Junior Lil Satan let's call him Oh no, how old was he about? I'd say approximately 5 years old I know how old he was and you'll find out why soon He was he had that what I call movie star child hair

very blonde and spiky it looked like it had product on it a lot of Ralph Lauren clothes. What did the five say to the six, by the way? What? You're back. Carry on. Oh, I understand that, yeah.

OK. He was a monster. He was doing handstands, he was screaming, he was American as well. Mummy, I want to go on a plane! He sounds like a pleasure, doesn't he? He was awful. So I witnessed him behaving like this.

I nearly said something for about 20 minutes and I thought this is unbearable. I got on the plane, I sat down, I had my glass of champagne, lovely, put my feet up, lovely. Right in there, was it? Suddenly, I hear the voice again. Mummy, are we at the front of the plane?

Oh no, he was the voice again. Mummy, are we at the front of the plane? Oh, no, he was the steward. Oh, he wasn't. Was he in the vicinity? Was he in the vicinity? He was sitting next to me. Oh, no. I think we'll take a break there. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So, Frank Now Yes You're with me I'm on the plane setting off to Florida I've already encountered

Lil Satan in the departure lounge then to my horror I'm sitting there having my champagne and who should pop up next to me but little satan i heard the voice mommy mommy yeah he sits down oh the look i gave him if you'd have seen it frank that look i gave him mommy that lady looked at me like she wants me to die. As we start taking off. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.

Oh, my, this is going to go on. And then he didn't stop. He didn't get to one and finish it. He started again. Ten, nine, thirteen, eighteen, twelve. And then he counted the journey. One, two, three, four. Across the Atlantic. He was unspeakable.

I want a hamburger. Oh, we can't eat right now, honey. Just a second. Just a second. We can't eat right now. I want a burger. I have to say, you were fantastic at playing both parts. I have to say, it was like sitting next to Elton John. Can I say that

Emily has got like an outfit in two halves. She turns one way and there's half a baseball cap and a t-shirt with Charlie Brown on. And then the other half is a Republican wife hairdo. Then, when they bring the sweets round as well when we were taking

off, oh, can you imagine, his dirty little fist went in there. He took them all. I want all of them. By the end, I put my headphones on. He's kind of the America in microcosm. He really was. I want a burger.

I want everything. Yeah. He wanted to play his Nintendo 3DS. He wasn't allowed because we were taking off. I want to play it. That poor mother. Eventually. I wish you wouldn't.

You can't call him that. This is not a hip-hop song. I felt sorry for that poor mother. I didn't. Towards the end, there was a little sister as well who was rather nice. And when the mother went to the loo, irresponsible, she said, but who's going to look after us?

And I felt rather sorry for her. Did they both look at you at that point? They did, a bit searchingly. So I felt sorry for them. But I felt rather sorry for her. Did they both look at you at that point? They did, a bit searchingly. So I felt sorry for them. But I still hated him. He was awful. You see, when I used to travel on trains in the 1980s, I would often drink a bottle of Pernod to myself

from the bottle. And I find that gives you at least a double seat either side free. So maybe you should try that it's it's harder sometimes in the cabin especially with children what about if you'd read 50 shades of grey whilst eating a cucumber but without ever breaking the skin i think that would have that would have probably done it that sounds uh sounds like a terrible experience

Frank we've got a few texts in and as I suggested you know trust the audience and they'll deliver apparently Madison is named as in the cycling race Madison is named after, as in the cycling race, Madison is named after where it was first run, Madison Square Gardens in New York. Mommy, I want a

hamburger. Robbie Fowler's daughter is called Madison, I'm just saying. There was a dance called the Madison which... Carry on. Carry on! We've also had uh numerous texts and tweets in about numerous about and i mean i can't i would actually say it's gone into infinity the amount of texts we've had they love these number things yeah poor old emily is not really a number

person i'm really not a fine trail of smoke from a ear. It's making me panic. This is men's work. Give us one at random. OK. From 069, what did the one say to the two when the 11 went past? Already I don't understand it. Go on. What did the one say to the two? I'm still worrying about the 069.

I hope that's not part of this joke. What did the one say to the two when the 11 went past should they be able to marry in church i don't know it's causing a lot of pauses i can't work out if it's racist or homophobic it's homophobic i'll clarify can i just say there's someone who's texting in repeatedly 985 has just sent in a load of variations. Talking about binaries and... I just think he might be on the spectrum. That's all I'm saying. OK. Tim Berners-Lee has sent in an actual lever arch.

How about, what did 4 say to 5? Don't know. Your TV shows are rubbish. Oh. See, I got a laugh. Glad he didn't just text that to Frank. Oh. See, I got a laugh. I'm glad he didn't just text that to Frank. I'm going to be awful. Yeah, exactly.

And I didn't read the first bit. Oh, no. Must have been my agent. So, Frank, how was your... Didn't you have your little trip recently? I went to the Cambridge Folk Festival. Oh, nice. Love it there.

It was lovely. I'll tell you something. I watched a complete day of live folk music and the next day I felt like I'd been cleansed. Yeah. I felt like a happier,

cleaner and better person. There's a little bit of... Was it a good festival? Terrible. No, of course, obviously. Would I say that if it was... No, but I mean, like, you...

No, it was brilliant. I had a fabulous time. And they're changing, Folk Festival. I didn't see one dog in a neckerchief. All day long. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I'm still at the Cambridge... I'm not at the Cambridge Folk Festival,

but that's what I was talking about. Oh, yeah. And it was, as I say, it was brilliant. It must be quite relaxing as a festival. Yeah, but now I sense you think it's just dull old music. It's all changing. There was a lot of, like, I went to see, a few weeks ago on this show,

I played a guy called King Charles, a singer called Bright Lights. And so he was on in his tiny little tent, and I thought, I'll go and watch that. Everyone else was, like, 18. Hang on, define tiny tent. Two man? What are we talking about?

What are we talking about? It probably held. Brilliant, wasn't it? I'll put it this way, I had to be outside the tent, and all I saw for the entire gig was his left hand going up and down a fretboard. So I don't know what he looks like. But there was lots of very attractive, young, very trendily dressed girls watching him. I think that those kind of new folk...

They're sort of boy bands for girls who can read. It's a bit Mumford and Sons, isn't it? Yeah, it's Mumfordian. It's so Mumfordian. In many, many ways. And I sat with my back against a tree, which I don't know if you know, Steve, it's one of my favourite things.

Oh, is it? I'm very Isaac Newton. I love it. Yeah. Love it. There's something brilliant about feeling bark against your back. Oh, I've never been a fan. You've been chased by a lot of police dogs.

I used to deliberately sleep with people within Patago. Just for that very feel. So there was a tree in the tent? No, no, there was a tree near the tent. So I sat and I said, oh, it's lovely. It's beautiful. If only the world could be like the Cambridge Folk Festival

then everything would be fine. But I was at the hotel, and there was a middle-aged Japanese couple having breakfast with me the next day, and there was an older English couple looking at them very much in a we-haven't-forgotten kind of way. You know, the old prisoner of war grudge.

And the Japanese man was eating a bowl of cereal with a knife and fork. That's brilliant, isn't it? I've never seen that before. Once you take the chopsticks off, all bets are off. You say that, but I went to Wagamama's with my auntie who came up from Wales and I told her she couldn't eat it with a knife and fork, she had to use chopsticks and she had one chopstick in each hand. What a lovely story of the Welsh abroad. and thought she had to use chopsticks and she had one chopstick in each hand. Oh, lovely.

What a lovely story of the Welsh abroad. I'll tell you what, though. I went to see the Onthank sisters with the Brigos and Rastric Brass Band. What? That's the name of the group. Yeah, and they had a hit. Do you remember they had a hit with the floral dance?

No. Oh, no, I know the safety dance. Yeah, it went a bit like this. Oh, this is great. I did hear this. And they played this live and I cried. Oh, no. I don't know why.

There was a bit when they stood up and I just cried because they'd stood up. Yeah, that's incredible. Yeah. Something brilliant about it. You know when a song creeps up on you? I don't know if it's ever been played on absolute before. Yeah, I know. I realise as people listen to this thinking,

hey, where's Nickelback? Talking of music, we had a brilliant text in from 824. I love you, Frank, but I also love hip-hop. A bit of Will Smith, please. So you like the real heavy stuff. Frank, we've had some texts in from our lovely listeners. Firstly, you know we were talking about how listening to people's dreams was more boring

than listening to their problems? It's unbearable. It's unbearable. It is. 238, Frank, I dreamt that we were in a pub in Peckham and I was stroking your hair and it was so soft. That's it. It is lustrous.

It's not as far-fetched as you think. That's lovely. Who's that from? That's from 238. OK. Sex unidentified. Yeah, OK. So...

To be honest, I don't care. If I'm back in a pub, I won't care about the species. We also had a text from 952. Can you play Whiskey in the Jar by Thin Lizzy for Nathan at the King's Arms in Exeter? Two questions. One, are you some kind of mobile DJ? And two, who's drinking at half nine in the morning?

Yeah, and also, I'm actually cycling in the Nathan this afternoon. No, I can't, because we don't do requests of any kind. What if I strayed from the absolute playlist, well, apart from my own choices, I would be struck down. So you think you're some akalakalaka boom type DJ? Everybody walk that dinosaur. Maybe I'll stop wearing this baseball cap with the clapping hands operated by strings.

That's my mistake. Frank, also there's an apology I'd like to make. Okay. And this is to Paul Hadsley. Hello Paul. Who follows us on Twitter. He made that rather fine joke, what did 4 say to 5? Your TV shows are rubbish. And then he tweeted to say, yay,

one of my jokes read on Frank on Absolute. No name check, though. Maybe I should have left a number. I'll be 447 if it helps. It does help, thank you. Bit sulky. Kind of sad that Steve read it out, so. I did. Hence, my drawing attention to him. So, Steve, how many

Olympic events are you going to this week? Well, I've got the football. I'm hoping to... Frank hates that. Why do you hate the football? I love football, as you know. Olympic football leaves me utterly cold. I don't know why. I watched the first Great Britain game and I thought,

I really don't care at all about this. At all. And I mean, I'm watching things like horses dancing and thinking, brilliant, if we can get a bronze here. And the football is just awful. I agree. I can watching things like horses dancing and thinking, brilliant, brilliant if we can get a bronze here. And the football, it's just awful. I agree. I can't watch the tennis either.

I totally agree. They don't feel very Olympic. They feel watered down versions, and that's why I don't like it. That's what it is. Yeah. Diluted. Don't dilute. We've got Roger and Andy.

I don't want to see that. I've seen that. What? You're right. It's like Birds of a Feather on tour. I want the real thing. I've seen that. What? You're right. It's like Birds of a Feather on tour. I'm like the real thing if I'm going to... Well, you've got one of the cast members here, so it's a little Eudorian.

Can I say I'd never heard of Eton Dorney before this week? What's Eton Dorney? Eton Dorney is where all the rowing's been going. Oh, yeah, yeah, the rowing venue. Where else are you going, Steve? Anywhere else? Eton Dorney. Eton Dorney. where all the rowing's been going. Oh, yeah, yeah, the rowing venue. Where else are you going, Steve? Anywhere else? Eton Dorney. Eton Dorney.

Football, any others? Football. I'm hoping to go to some track events. Oh, yeah? I mean, you're hoping to. Because tickets are hard to come by. Not for you, it seems. Well, yeah, you're kidding.

Not for the glitterati, is it? I'm actually in the lane tomorrow. What? I'm actually in the lane on the way to the stadium. You're not? Yeah, I'm actually in the lane. On the way to the stadium. You're not? Yeah, I'm in the Olympic lane. How did you get in the lane? No, I'm just going to get in and drive as fast as I can. No, I've actually got a BBC car

that can go in the lane. Can you imagine that? Oh, wow. Brilliant. It'd be great if you see your friend from the party that you have to leave behind. Beep, beep. Yeah. No, not everyone goes in the lane. To me, it's part of the whole Olympic experience.

Oh, it's going to be fabulous. Five people. Yeah, so honestly, what are we going to do when the Olympics stops? I'm not... It's my life. I'm depressed already in anticipation of it. I'm going to wear Nicorette patches.

Okay. I just think that'll help us. Yeah, I'm depressed already in anticipation of it. I'm going to wear Nicorette patches. Okay. I just think that'll help us. Yeah, I'm all for that. I'm just going to date a gold medalist. That's my challenge. If Jessica Ennis wins gold today... I'm not doing that. I'm going to grate cheese on her stomach.

Put it in a packet and send it to Steve Williams just to wind him up. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this same time next week. Goodbye. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.