The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Onomatopoeic Shoes

Episode Date: October 25, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank tells Em and Alun about a record breaking fast food meal he consumed. The team discuss Renee Zelwegger's new look, driveless cars and odd heckles.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. You can text the show on 8-12-15, that's 8-12-15, or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Even the Queen's on Twitter now, Frank. You're going to have to join. What did she actually tweet,

the Queen? I don't know, but it ended Elizabeth R, which I thought was quite cool. That's good. She took her glove off to press the button. Yeah, you know the R? She was actually going to put awful. She just forgot the end of raffle. You know, roll on floor laughing. Oh, of course.

Thanks for helping with that, Alan. That's all right. I think she actually typed in Elizabeth Regina, but she had too many characters and that bit didn't go. Well, maybe she'd already overdone it. Yeah. Regina, calm down. I...

I think... I'll tell you what. I had a bit of an achievement this week, which is, you know, we've all got... I think you need goals in life. You need to know where the bar is and know when you've gone above it. And that's how we carry on, isn't it?

Improving ourselves. That's right, that's right. I'm a big goal set? Improving ourselves. That's right. That's right. I'm a big goal setter for myself. Yeah. You know, with seeing enemies, they judge whether they're alive or not by signs of growth. And we all need to evolve. Do they?

Hmm. Anyway, so for the first time, I had a four-piece meal from KFC. What are you usually at? Like five, six? Three is my ceiling. You're kidding? Really?

Really. I love the way you're doggedly sticking to the old school KFC. What are you usually at? Like five, six? Three is my ceiling. You're kidding? Really? Really? I love the way you're doggedly sticking to the old school KFC. Yeah. Not going Nando's, which, let's face it, is a bit more of the moment. Well, I find it too complicated.

Four's your top whack. Four is like you consider like a PB, personal best. I'm just, we're all different. I'm coming in at a different weight from you, remember. Wow. Four is like you consider a PB, personal best. I'm coming in at a different weight from you, remember. Wow. That's not that ugly. How many pieces would you do at a sitting? I reckon I could do a four-piece whilst driving.

Oh, that's how many pieces I'd do. No pieces. Because I wouldn't be digging my hands into a bucket. Oh, I like that. I was the pre-bucket. The bucket's been added over the years. I know it gets a lot of criticism. And this is not product placement.

If anyone from KFC is listening, I can buy my own. What is it, two quid? So, you know, don't send me any. I wouldn't mind some lemon-scented wet wipes. They come in handy. Oh, do they still do those? I don't know. Oh.scented wet wipes. They come in handy. Oh, do they still do those? I don't know. Oh.

But anyway, so, yeah, I've always thought three, that's right. And then I got tempted in. Is this with a side order? Is this with, like, some fries or some slaw? Oh, with fries, obviously. Oh, don't say sides. I hate it when waitresses say that. Do you want sides?

Oh. Yeah, well, yeah, i don't like to take sides are you breast or thigh well the great thing you see about the colonel is because he's come up with that sort of suede coating that's on all the other thing is that um it doesn't matter whether it's you know rib cage it's you know when the meat's dark i know i don't care because it's all hidden by the thing it's one one size fits all with the batter yeah i mean i don't think it's often said about the colonel's batter but it's a great leveler i've never seen such raptures over food i forgot you enjoyed it didn't you you enjoyed that by the way if any um readers who have stupid records they'd

like to share with us, because it's all about, you know, fastest this and highest that, but we all have our own little personal records. I once, in a week's holiday, read five books cover to cover. That's my top. That's good. Did you? There's the benefit of someone really sulking.

You can get down to some serious... Slide through your reading list. Yeah, it was great. It's had all the pleasures of holidaying alone. And actually all the horrors of holidaying with someone else come to me. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You gave me a strange death stare.

I've never known you do that before. It's like it was my fault. I thought you were disapproving of me. I felt disapproval in the room. Oh, that was for me, because you were talking about carbohydrate-based meals. We've had a tweet in from someone whose Twitter handle is far too complicated for me to even read out. Okay. MKN One Night or something.

Anyway, it's a photograph of a very large hamburger and it says, I once combined the meats from two Big Macs and a cheeseburger. Oh, into one... One giant sort of Scooby-Doo meal. Something I think uplifting to hear that. Mm. One giant sort of Scooby-Doo meal. Something, I think, uplifting to hear that. In an age where people say,

oh, no, I better not, because, oh, a moment on the lips. Oh. Yeah, your big, fat, swollen, injected lips. Difference does it make? Good point. Yeah? Don't lose weight elsewhere and then make your lips bigger and then talk about that. Can you not say this to me on air, please? Oh, sorry.

Did you know that Colonel Sanders was buried in full regalia? I didn't, but have you got something of an obsession with Colonel Sanders? Did they give you some reading material with the four feet? Is he a strange hero of yours? Once I spent a month in Japan, and the thing is

with, I love Japan, and I love the Japanese, and I love Japanese food but I don't want it every meal and that's what happened there's no sense of breakfast in Japan you get up in the morning and you get sushi they're fish mad and then we found a KFC

after about two weeks honestly there was a big oil painting of the colonel in there I could have knelt before it. Oh. And I've always had a special relationship. I've always felt he might have been an apocryphal figure. No, no, he existed.

Oh, was he real, was he? He was buried in his outfit, you know, the white suit. Oh, the apron. The white suit and all that. He was buried in that. So disrespectful. It's great because it's actually, it's almost, that outfit's almost designed with ghosting in mind. Yeah.

It's like he was thinking ahead. Yeah. Yeah. He's ready for the game. He planned ahead for his ghost outfit. Did he have one of those black sort of oil baron's ball ties? I can't remember. No, that was white as well, wasn't it? I think it was the black oil barons ball ties? I can't remember. That was white as well, wasn't it?

I think it was the black oil barons ball. I think you're right. I don't have a picture of him to hand. You say that, but I think it's your screensaver. I'll bet you something now. I'll take bets on this. I'll bet there's a picture of him on the internet. Yeah.

I think you're probably right there. Certain specialist sites. That planned ahead thing there I said, is it possible to plan anything other than ahead? Oh. See, what we've done is we've found a redundant grammatical form. Yeah. Yeah, I like, I am, I find him reassuring, the Colonel.

I think if you're trying, you know the people who, like the sort of impersonators like Southern Fried Chicken? Oh, yeah. Those people. Oh, don't get me started on Dixie Fried. All that. Yeah. What they do is their idea of trying to get you to eat chicken is to have a picture of a jovial chicken.

Yeah. picking yeah it's the last thing you want to think about is a happy thinking of some sort of you know sentient creature with feelings and concerns and obsessions you want to think of them as meat don't make them animate that's my tip if there's any um would-be colonel um impressionists listening it's been a funny start to this show. 20 minutes on the kernel. When I say funny, I refer you to Roger's Thesaurus. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. You said that you couldn't get anything other than sushi when you're in Japan. Well, not just sushi, but Japanese stuff generally. You know, tempura and all that. OK. Sashimi.

Yeah. Well, one of our Japanese readers has tweeted us, Felix is a good cat, is his name. It's not a very common Japanese surname. No, no. We don't eat sushi for breakfast in Japan, he says. Well, I'm sorry, that was what he says I can only eat what I was given at the hotel

I could see no discernible difference between any meal it was lovely food but it was the same there was no I didn't show you the black cab driver you were in prison in Japan weren't you that's what it was I absolutely loved Japan I hated it

you know when people say, chips for breakfast in England? Yeah. Because there's a sense of what you can and cannot eat. There was none of that in Japan. That's what I found. Okay, maybe I was at a strange no-breakfast hotel. They were all out of Weetabix and Corn Flakes.

Seems unlikely, yeah. Oh, God, I would have killed for a bit of cornflakes if I said to you fancy going for a Japanese meal tonight you'd say oh actually I went yesterday I wouldn't think that was ridiculous I'm not it's alright to say I don't want every meal surely I don't want English food every meal

it's alright but it's somewhat impractical if you are in Tokyo. Yeah, but what I'm saying is here, you'd have an English breakfast and you might have a pizza for lunch. Yep, Mediterranean. Oh, I was thinking 1978. And go out for a

Chinese meal in the evening. You see here, it's all available. Japan is Japanese food or Japanese food unless you can find the kernel we've had a few people that have broken their own personal bests for food

Lisa in Cardiff has texted my boyfriend once had a large meal a fully loaded chicken burger with bacon, cheese, lettuce and tomato along with chips and beans and then ate four pieces for a bucket. And there's me looking at him with disgust with my kid's meal. I'm assuming she's an adult, but she's just got a small appetite.

Lettuce and tomato had no business being in that meal. I quite like that in there. Mind your own business is what I'd say to them. Counterbalance, hardly. I think that's all right. If you've got a seesaw with lettuce and tomato on one side and the other... I mean, I don't just want food records. I've got all sorts of records.

Well, in that case, you'll perhaps appreciate hearing from Emma, who says, Hi all, Frank helped me beat my personal record of six correct answers on University Challenge. Brackets, this week I got ten. Wow, that's excellent. Yeah. In the music round, one of the artists was The Fall,

who I only know from listening to your show. Thanks for educating me, Frank. Ten is good. Well, you say thanks. Ten's good. I wonder how many questions there are on University Challenge in an average show and what kind of percentage we're talking about. How exciting when you get one right, Frank. Oh, it's hard isn't it university challenge yeah very hard but

sometimes you do get around you get around on like you know west midlands tourist sites and you can knock four up just like that you could hit a sweet spot on that yeah yes so i got um i did something and this is shows something about how my fame has dwindled. I got reprimanded. Let me just settle down, I love this story. I got reprimanded this week by one of the staff. Uh-oh. Did you?

Yeah, because we, because it's the Ray Jars this week. Oh, he did quite well. Yeah, you know, those Indian, important Indian people who came visiting the station. No, the radios are the sort of ratings. And we've done all right, is what I'm saying. Yeah, hello to the new listeners. Yeah, they've probably gone already. I've tried to clear them out of the opening song.

Don't think talking about KFC for half an hour is keeping them. KFC is international, let's face it. What Colonel Sanders was buried in. Yeah. Hello, this is what it's like, new listeners. I think Colonel Sanders' shroud is something that doesn't get enough coverage on commercial radio. Anyway, look, I'll just hammer it home. What about our ratings?

I'll come back to that. I'm not going to do our ratings. Oh, OK. It's not our kind of show. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. You may recall we heard earlier from Felix Is A Good Cat,

our Japanese friend. Yeah. We've heard that from Felix is a good cat, our Japanese friend. Yeah. We've heard that. Do you know that this person is Japanese? Well, you're absolutely right. They're resident in Japan. OK. But we've now heard back, and it's not good news.

Absolutely furious. Yes. OK. We rarely eat sushi. It's for special occasions. Oh, yeah. Second message, and I'm a she. OK. I did for special occasions. Oh, yeah. Second message, and I'm a she. OK.

I did wonder about that. Because Felix is a good cat, he's not necessarily, like, a bloke, is he? It's not a blokey handle, it's somewhere in the middle. Well, Felix is a male name. Thank you. It's a male cat. It's a cat's name. It's a male cat, wasn't it, Felix?

Yeah, but it turned out to be a female person. This isn't the best debate we've ever had. This is not... Hello, new listeners. Let's talk instead about the ratings. Hello, Felix. No, I want to make it clear that I'm very happy that Felix went to the trouble to tweet it.

Thanks, Felix. Thanks. And I just say, this is what happened to me. But, you know, I was in Japan, which I suppose every meal's a special occasion, because I was in a lovely country. Yeah. They're all sorted, I think.

Is it free to tweet? Do you have to pay for a tweet? No, it's free. OK, maybe it's a level of respect. I needn't have troubled myself. I thought you were thinking, maybe I'll take it up, then. Well, the texts are 50p. Yes. I mean, they deserve some proper... take it up then. What, a text? A text of 50p? Yes. I mean, they deserve some proper...

Yeah, enough respect. Yeah, exactly. A lot of even. Tweets. You know, it's cheap. Knocking stuff, all sorts of thoughts out there. Anyway, Felix, I love you. Um... I can tell you a strange story about Mount Fuji.

I don't really know if I wish to know. Yeah, I stayed in a hotel. It said there was a view of Mount Fuji. So I got there and nothing. Oh, was it cloudy? Cloudy? It was like a David Copperfield thing. Next day, nothing.

I said, what's this? I told it, where is Mount Fujiji and the next day it was there it was honestly like a big magic trick cloudy you couldn't see a hint of its silhouette nothing nothing and it was close it was properly remember that story i once told you about when elton john rung his manager to complain that it was windy in chicago yes well i remember that says where's mount fuji i was told it was a view. And the third day, it was just there. Honestly, there wasn't a hint of it.

That's what the... That's good. God, imagine that. Okay, so... Just did, yeah. So we got a congratulatory message from... Oh, yeah. Our friends at Absolute.

And I took this opportunity amidst a lot of lovely, you know... Dialogue. Backslapping and warmth to point out that the boiled sweets in the foyer are not what they should be. Well, you're riding high, aren't you, in the ratings, so you may as well start making... Do you remember what you said, Frank?

Because I do. I remember exactly what you said. I've never felt so embarrassed oh i'll i'll tell you what you said go on i spoke with the german chancellor hitler this morning that was neville chamberlain has said that you've got mixed up okay sorry you said having said all that, all that being the nice crazy stuff, I find the foyer boiled sweets a bit samey. That's a good summary. They're nearly all the basic glacier fruit. Yeah, and you know. There were humbugs, but they vanished.

Yeah, that was a lost leader for the first week of the new refurbishment. A few humbugs and people think, whoa, are we on the op? Yeah, they've gone. You're not done yet. No. One might find a chocolate mint if you dig really deep. Yes, and the trouble is I find when I dig deep, I can sense the security man looking across at me at the sweet jar and thinking...

Is it pity? yeah no it's more chancer that's what that's the look on his face carry on um well no i would carry on but you left it hanging in the air you said but dot dot dot yeah well and the worst thing about this no one replied thank you mel well you think you think no I actually got an email from Daisy, our producer. Oh, yeah. And the first line was, Frank! And she decided not to do the reply to all, which the conversation had been. Oh, she'd opted out with you two.

No, because she's a management person and she knows about man management. And she didn't want to humiliate me in front of everyone. You got light managed. I was called into her office, essentially. Totally. Yeah, I was. In email form. I was light managed.

My only point is this. I laughed at it. Maybe I'm good. If there's one thing that's gone wrong with the modern world, it's the sense of deferred gratification. You know this idea that with the degree the degree, you study hard and work, and at the end you'll get a reward. That's how I feel about a soft centre suite.

You get through the hard stuff knowing that if you stick with it, if you persevere, that you will get your lovely squidgy bit at the end. And I think that would be a good lesson for the whole staff to pick up on. And what subtler way of teaching it than a soft centre suite in the foyer? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Daisy has fixed the heating in here, which is good on her. Yes.

I was, it was very hot before. You could probably tell we sounded like, you know those Englishmen you get in films sitting in cafes being served with people wearing fezzes when there's like a propeller on the ceiling. We were talking like that. Mopping my brow. Being offered postcards I didn't want.

It was like that. Not only has the heating been fixed but I've just seen like six or eight people running past with bags of sweets looking at the bars. I don't know what... No, I don't have that kind of sway anymore. There's the heads of junior staff rolling down the aisle as well. I don't know what that's...

Junior staff. He was good. I like that. My mama used to... Was that him? Yeah, that was junior dad. So, Frank, I need to tell you a thing. Occasionally, because you don't read the text messages, do you?

You just hear them. No, I can't. I can't cope with the constant abuse. We get one and we might kind of... Abuse isn't that bad. Well, abuse generally I'm not keen on. OK. I'll tell you what, I feel less bad about the abuse now that the figures are going up because it means statistically it's a smaller percentage, doesn't it?

Anyway. Well, it might be new people as well. It could be new abusers, yeah. They haven't vented their spleen yet. Anyway, occasionally, when I'm reading it out to you, I'll give it a sort of a rewrite if there's a word missing that we know what it is. I don't know about this. You know, if someone's not put the word to

or the i'll just put it in where it makes it yeah just on whose authority on my own just if there's a bit of confusing syntax at this point i will never ever help anyone out that's a good rule i think there's a word missing in this text, and I cannot insert it without putting it to the group. Here it is. Dear Frank, Emily and LeGrand Cock, that's me. It's Joe from Hornsea. My dear friend Chris once claimed he made Frank a leather Christmas. Is this indeed true?

A leather Christmas? A leather... That sounds absolutely disgusting. See, my guess was... I wonder if he's one of my friends in the community. Leather Christmas. Blank. We could play blankety-blank with this. What do you think it was, Frank?

I thought tree. I thought... A leather Christmas tree. A leather tree! A leather Christmas tree. That's a cow, isn't it? I think a leather Christmas stocking. No, I've never had a leather Christmas stocking.

I can't think of any... Westcut. A leather Christmas waistcoat. Christmas waistcoat? Is there such a thing? I'm guessing. I might wear my Christmas waistcoat. I imagine that was a seasonal episode.

For carving the turkey. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the leather waistcoat. That lovely seasonal waistcoat that Frank Skinner wears with the Santa Santa cut into the back of it. It's really beautiful. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with the A-Team, Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. The leather Christmas has been solved, Al, hasn't it? Has it? Yes.

It's pretty exciting news. So his friend Chris made me a leather Christmas hat. In a previous show, Frank had mentioned that the only hat that fits is a Christmas hat, so Chris took it upon himself to make it. Never have I regretted Typo more. 50 pence down as well. Should have tweeted.

Should have tweeted. Can I just say, I'm already rather missing the leather waistcoat, though. Yeah. With Santa cut out. You don't often hear the phrase, should have tweeted. You hear the phrase, shouldn't have tweeted. Quite a lot. True.

Even the Queen. True indeed. Now, that's, I don't remember, I do remember making this point that the one hat that fits and looks good on me is one of those ones out of crackers. Mm-hmm. Which is. Yes, they do suit you. They do. Something to do with your crown and your forehead.

And I said I'd like to get one in leather, but I don't remember it arriving, or else I'd be wearing it now, probably. Oh. Well, Daisy, on the other hand, is looking forward to Christmas. Oh, this is bad news, isn't it? If it's been lost in post and... No, I'm just wondering if Daisy might have purloined it.

Oh, I don't think Daisy would wear a leather Christmas hat. It's not the type. She might wear one of those Joe Boxer caps. I can see her in that. What else? Well, I'll tell you what else. We should really talk about the biggest news this week, which is, I'm going to say it, Renée Zellweger's new face.

She's dominated the news stories, hasn't she? I mean, arguably, at the expense of more important things, possibly. That's all I'll say. Well, it's all relative, isn't it? Yeah, I mean... I got a bit fed up. World news. Yeah, totally. Do you ever watch World?

If you're abroad and it says BBC World News, you think, oh, no. Yeah. It's the easiest section of the newspaper. Isn't it odd how news, you do that? Anything, say if I'm looking at Sky News and it says a man puts his entire family in a shoebox. Yeah.

I think, oh, it's going to be Utah or something like that. I know, that's all I think. Sometimes you look, you get a bit of a nice surprise, it's Macclesfield. Yep. You think, oh, that is interesting. Yeah. I care if it's Macclesfield.

I care even more if it's Bushy. My interesting news is like, it's like Wi-Fi. You know what I mean? The further it gets away, the patchier it gets generally. So where do you stand on Renée Zellweger's face? Because that's tricky. I wouldn't stand on Renée Zellweger's face. No, you don't stand on it.

That would be terrible. I feel very sorry for Renée, and I've gone a little bit woman with green tights on late night discussion panel on Channel 4. Oh, good. And a bit feminista on this. Good.

Well, can I say as a bit of background information, my friend Chris made Renée Zellweger a leather Christmas face. Oh, yeah? Yeah, which I believe she's wearing now. What can I just say? She also wears it in her Mexican wrestler. Oh, good. It doubles up.

Yeah, she's... Doubles up. It's flexible. Day face and work face. Yeah. It's not hard leather. It's more chamois. Oh, nice.

Anyway. Good in the rain as well. Okay, it's more chamois. Oh, nice. Anyway. Good in the rain as well. Okay, can we come back to the subject, please? Yes. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on

digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Renee. Talking about Renee Zellweger. Yeah, her, her. People didn't recognise her.

Well, they did recognise her, you see. Michael Owen didn't. He's a bad example. He's only seen eight films, though. She wasn't in Seabiscuit, as I recall. So you won't be familiar with her work. I wouldn't... I've got to be honest now. Go on.

Before you... Just so it's not just us and them, I didn't recognise her. OK. I mean, it's not so much made her younger, it's more witness protection programme, what she's gone for. I think she looks like a different person.

A lovely, attractive person. She looks good, though. That's the weird thing, isn't it? That nobody said she looks terrible. It's one of those weird stories where people are going, oh, she looks good. I don't wish to be indelicate, but what I believe she's had done is upper eye,

an upper eye lift. So you're familiar with the epicanthic fold. I am, yes. On the eye. This is what she had, and I feel she's just had it amended. Oh, really? Yes. So if I did this... I'm, yes. On the eye. This is what she had, and I feel she's just had it amended. Oh, really? Yes.

So if I wrote a blank cheque to a Harley Street doctor, I could get rid of mine. I don't know if they take cheques anymore. You don't want to get rid of yours. Cheques have been faded out. Good luck with your Abbey National Super Saver account cheque book. Don't get rid of those. They make your face.

Thanks very much. What I would say, would say it's interesting to know because one of my eyes is slightly um a bit more close than the other i look slightly mid wink lovely that's what i've always liked about you yeah but um so maybe i should get that fixed or maybe i could bring the other one down yeah you know what everyone's got one eye bigger than the other the shop when they bring out the venetians nice i wasn't sure that it was her eyes i thought she'd had her cheekbones i think she looks completely like a different person yes because of the eyes that's kind of changed because she used to have this thing with her mouth you know she looked like she had a drink problem she used to

people used to do impressions of her vinegar was the nature of the drink problem she used to do impressions of her. Vinegar was the nature of the drink problem. She used to have that sort of really pinched. All squished up. She was very pinched. It looks like the whole thing, like maybe she's just relaxed at last. Her whole face is unfurled. Yeah. Do you think people were basically saying your surgery is not subtle enough though? That's what they're saying. They're not actually saying, they're saying you should have it, but go to a better surgeon. No, I think it's an interesting idea. Don't make yourself look like a younger you. Make yourself look like a completely different human being. There isn't enough of that.

But it's also the fact that she hasn't really been in the public eye for like four or five years. And I kind of feel for her in a way. Do you ever get this where you wear something that... Do you ever get where you wear something that do you ever get some where you wear something that like people haven't seen and you think like for example coming here on a saturday if i had a if i had a heavily patterned shirt i might think oh god i've not worn this in front of the radio people i wonder if they're going to mention this heavily your qi shirt no just any any garment so there's always that thing of unveiling a new

garment can you imagine the nervous energy you expend when you think i wonder if people are going to like my new face well it's quite a big deal isn't it it's toupee day one i always imagine how that must be when you go to work with that with the toupee on and what do people do people i bet people don't say a thing yeah they don't say anything to rennie's alway because people don't say a thing. Yeah. They don't say anything to Renny Zellweger because they don't know who she is. No. Yeah, she is running the risk of someone coming up and slagging Renny Zellweger off to her, right?

Isn't she? Yeah, exactly. What about passport control and stuff? Oh, no. She's never going to get facial recognition. No, she'll have to change her passport photo as well. Frank, can you imagine? That's, she's basically been photoshopped, that's what's happened.

What would you say, imagine if Alan came in, one day had total surgery on his face. Well, since the beard... Slightly bleeding ears, but that was the telltale giveaway. Oh, I remember that when, do you remember when... Michael Douglas. Tarzan was hiding underwater with a reed to breathe through. No, I don't recall that moment.

Someone fired into the water when he came out, his ears was bleeding, I remember that. I thought, oh, poor Tarzan. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have closure on the Christmas hat now. 240, Chris has texted. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan, it's Chris from Hornsey.

I purchased the materials for your leather brackets for Christmas hat a few months ago but still haven't started production. I will start this week and it will hopefully be with you soon. I look forward to hearing the show later as I'm now at work. I wonder what colour he'll go for will it be tan? Oh I don't know

I don't know. Spoiler alert. I'm just thinking normally you don't get a tan coloured Christmas hat in the cracker, do you? No, that could mix things up, couldn't it? More's the pity. I'd love some tasteful neutrals. I bet Chris doesn't know what a big head I've got, though. He will if he listens regularly.

No. Oh! You too? It really is quite a big... I mean, it's quite a big... It's like seven and three quarters. I don't know what that is. You know that sack

that the Elephant Man wore? That was seven and a half. Yeah. God bless him. It's one of the things I love about you, your head, actually. It's one of the things I love about you. So, anyway. Speaking of the Elephant

Man, Renny Zellweger. I'm not an animal. Thanks, little audition there. Nice. I'd love to do that. We should actually... Imagine if you did Perkins. Those would be your sole acting credits. Perkins and the elephant man on Broadway. I was offered...

And then you never worked again. I was offered Blofeld in the stage production that James Bond liked. Congratulations. Oh, yeah. And I'm allergic to cats. Oh. I said I can't cope with a person with long hair. So that was the end of that.

Mm-hm. Anyway... That's also why you weren't in Cats, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, Cats, that'd be a nightmare. Is that being revived, Cats? I believe it is, yes. I saw it advertised. What a weird decision to make. Oh, cats, that'd be a nightmare. Is that being revived, cats? I believe it is, yes. I saw it advertised.

What a weird decision to make. Well, you know, it's a... I've been in the office for about three years. Yeah, it's terrible. We should just say that Renée Zellweger apparently hasn't admitted that she's had any surgery and her reasoning for looking so different... I like your idea that she unfurled.

Yeah. Her face has been trussed up for years, and finally it's been released. The wind's gone under it now, it looks lovely. She can't win, though, can she? Because when she had her old face, people used to screw their face up and do impressions of Renée Zellgut,

like, ooh, I'm... And now she's gone that way, and everyone's like, oh, what have you done? What have you done? You can't win. Basically, once you get past a certain age, if you're female,

you have two choices. You're either going to go John Sargent, full collapse of the face. Or you're going to do something about that. You know which way I'm going. Okay. Well, yeah, good. No, I don't think I would go full on. I wouldn't like people not to recognise me.

However, if you don't want to look like Ibsen's grandfather, I understand that. Yeah. Well, I just think what's interesting about this is it's not, as I say, it's not that she's gone for youth, she's gone for a new identity. Yeah, this is true. It's to do with the boyfriend, isn't it?

Is it really? That's not what she said. She said, I'm glad folks think I look different. I'm living a different, happy, more fulfilling life and I'm thrilled that perhaps it shows. So if you live a different life, your face changes. I like the idea of that. The thing is, I'm living quite a happy, fulfilled life

and I'm a bit worried that I'm going to have to get my Edinburgh posters redone. Like six months old, how quickly? Do you know what would be fun? Shall I tell you both what I, in a sort of Simon Cowell way, honestly, if you needed to have surgery, what you should have done? OK. You think I should have a head reduction? No, I need to think about it. I'm not going to do it right now.

I thought you were just going to rattle it. I thought you'd drafted up a list. I was there pencil poised. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't imagine I'll ever have anything done, I must say.

I like the idea of looking like one of those Bolivian peasant women that you get in National Geographic. Interesting, interesting face. Lived in. Yeah, I don't mind that. I'm considering going down the, I don't know about Sargent, but Scargill route.

I might go down. Wow, that's... Have you drawn up your list of what work Frank and I ought to get done first yet? Oh, yeah. Can I mention René's boyf? Yeah. Yes, you can. Doyle Bramwell II. Is that his name yeah i love that you

know his name yeah well i i'm fascinated by his name because it has two very important american um things going on one is the second i mean can you imagine if i'd called bars frank skinner ii what what a clamp on his career that would have been the most he could hope for is the right stuff imagine having that outside the royal college of surges maybe i mean maybe soccer am nostalgic grounds but that would have been it but frank skinner the second would you ever consider obviously you wouldn't um if al had called his son frank skin of the second that would have been i mean does it have to be you to be frank that would have been a pay rise you know could i call my son you know elvis presser the second

all right a bit i'd be good to pick someone really obscure instead of paul coyer the second but also this is this is what fascinates me this american idea now of using and i've got this mainly from i'd be honest somewhere i no longer go which is the um the male online um thingy of shame down the side oh the daily mail sidebar of shame the sidebar of shame which, which is lots of stuff about American actresses you've never heard of. Almost every one of them has got a surname for a first name. Yes. Right. So this bloke, Doyle Bramall, I know he's a man, but it's a classic American thing.

Like Harrison. Yeah. You could well imagine a pretty blonde-haired, maybe slightly sandy-haired, thin American actress called Skinner Frank. Yeah. Yeah, and Skinner Frank will be performing. You can imagine that. I think Cochran...

Cochran is such one of those names. I love Cochran Allen's new movie. Yeah, me too. Dean Emily becomes... It's a bit Church of England. But, yeah, I think it's the new, you know when people used to make up their porn names with their sort of first pet and their mother's maiden name?

I think the thing is now, just reverse your name and you become an American actress. Yeah. That's the new parlor guy. You heard it here first. As you hear so many shabby things. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

Nobody puts email in the corner. Can I just say that was slick, the way you went brown sugar by the rolling stones and then boom, straight into the jingle. Well, you know, you get to a certain level of ratings, you have to start sounding like a professional. Honestly. I enjoyed Daisy's little mum dance. Really good. Did you dance? Oh, thank you.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Recently, you had a story about... Can I just say, in case you wondered what that was, it's Pope Pius XII slamming against the Virgin of Guadalupe on my chain around my neck. They seem curious. Is he allowed to do that? They seem curious bedfellows.

Well, I don't know. I think they're both Catholics. All right, fair enough. They both have watsies on. Recently, I don't know. I think they're both Catholics. Fair enough. They both have watsies on. Recently, you had a story about an estate agent who stole a chocolate bar. Well, we didn't have it. It was in the press. Well, we covered it. Yeah, we covered it. As we do many of the top stories of the day. Cool story, Brian. My friend Glenn is an estate agent here in NZ, New Zealand. Thanks. In NZ, estate agents hold open homes whereby a house that is for sale is open for half an hour

over the weekend for anyone to visit. Wow, I like the sound of that. Yes, good, isn't it? Do some great nosing around. Out of respect, shoes are usually taken off before entering. There are often many individuals and families walking around the houses and as a result, many pairs of shoes can be found sitting outside the front door. So, here's the kicker.

Last Sunday, Glenn... Kickers as well. Yeah. I saw them outside. I think I've gone through a time warp. Last Sunday, Glenn finished an open home and locked up, only to find that his brand new work shoes had been stolen. The thief, though, had kindly left behind his very old two dollar jandals slash flip flops. That's translation. I think they

call them jandals there. The jandals? Yeah, exactly. Big fan of the podcast Fiona Wellington. Wellington. No, she's not called Fiona Wellington. She's not like the Duke of. No, it's Wellington NJ. Fiona Comet Wellington. Yeah. I think you're on about the footwear link.

I was, yeah. Yeah. I was. Yeah. At least, though, he left some flip-flops. The person didn't have to go home barefoot. They could get home. I think that was quite a considerate thief.

To be honest, I found this story slightly stomach-churning. It's like if you stole someone's iPad and left an Etch-A-Sketch. Yeah. But also, I think I'd rather somebody walked around my open home that I was trying to sell in their $2 flip-flops than in their stinky feet, like in my home. Yeah, but did he go in at all, this thief? Didn't he just turn up and leave the flip-flops and take the shoes from outside?

Also, that is respectful. I'm a bit phobic about other people's empty shoes. It makes me feel a bit sick. Yeah. Especially when they're lined up. Oh, it's horrible. I bet you hate bouncy castles, don't you? I don't spend an awful lot of time on them.

I think Felix is an excellent cat, if that was the name. We'll point out that in Japan there are often shoes outside. Yeah. And there's little sandals waiting for you to put in just so you don't have to walk around the house barefoot. It's all carefully catered for. Flip-flops. Are they the only onomatopoeic shoes?

Because they're called that because they... Oh, yeah. Is there any... Clog? Maybe a clog. Clog, maybe a little bit. See, stiletto. Stiletto?

No, that'd be click clacks. Oh, I've got a lovely pair of Lebouton click clacks I bought the other day. Nice. I've got some... I love that that just trips off your tongue, that reference. Do you know, I sometimes feel my work here is done. Yes, I think this is obviously your influence. I've got some pa-pas at home.

I beg your pardon? I've got a pair of pa-pas. Pa-pas? Yeah. What on earth is that? Snowshoes. Oh. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I find the slipper quite onomatopoeic. Slipper? A little bit. It would be. You're a very hard taskmaster when it comes to these shoes. It would be if it was called a... Whoa!

If it was called a... That would be... If it was called that. You're being a bit fussy, if you don't mind me saying. Well, flip-flops, that is the sound they make. Slippers do not make the sound slipper when you're walking. Yeah, oh, I'm sorry. You also, as far as I know, can't purchase shoes called...

or whatever you said snowshoes were called. I'm not saying you can purchase them, but I'm saying that that's what they should be called. Suggesting the rules are somewhat elastic. It was a pretty good snowshoe impression. Let's hear it again. All right, Geoff, yeah, just clearing the... I'm going into town. Is anything open?

Well, we'll see, but do you want me to get you some bread or milk? If you could, that'd be... OK, see you later. See you. It's harder than I thought. OK. Shall we go on to email two, as I call it? OK. The snowy morning, that was called. I don't know if you've tuned in to absolute drama.

You should have an absolute drama. Oh, shall we? All the presenters could do one-person shows. Stuff like that. I can't wait for mine. Me and the OC could do one-person shows. I can't wait for mine. Me and the OC could do Wait and Forgot Her. Yeah. OK.

It's an idea. Dear Frank et al. Oh, thanks. I didn't. I know. I know about the no praise. I am truly excited about Frank coming to Dublin in December. I hope to raise Frank's expectations of Ireland

by letting him know that the National Daily News follows his timely ways. Frank, I hope, will enjoy it on two levels. The news starts at 6.01pm to allow a minute for the Catholics to have a pray at the 6pm Angelus. Love the shoe advice.

Now, the name, I'm really sorry but I don't know how to pronounce this name. Go on. It's spelt M-E-A-D-H-B-H. M-E-A-D-H-B-H. Yes. OK. I think it might be Meath. Meath?

OK. Something along those lines. They can be very difficult. Do you want to go for it, Frank? Sometimes it's K-E-J-L-D, Eric. It all goes very Countdown. You don't get any clues with it. I think I need to go to the news, but I'm keen to pick this apart.

There is so much in Mindy and me's email. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And you can text us on 812 15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. We've had a lovely example of an onomatopoeic shoe.

Oh, yeah. Deborah has tweeted us to say that in Dutch, clogs are glompen. Perfect. How perfect is that? Absolutely perfect. I don't know if we've got another one in English. No. I can't think of it.

Wellington. Wellington. Not quite, is it? Put me Wellington's on. Wellington. No. I can't think of it. Wellington. Wellington. Not quite, is it? Wellington. You okay? I'm just going out in my Wellington. I wouldn't do that, thank you. No, no. If you accept that it's an

onomatopoeic form. I'd stick with the old snowshoes. You're probably right. Play safe. Yeah. Anyway, what else? And we've established how to pronounce M-E-A-D-H-B-H. Notice I say H, not H.

It's pronounced Maeve. B-H is a Gaelic V. Maeve. M-A-E-V-E. Oh, is it? Mm. Correct. I think Queen Maeve.

From, just to complicate things, Siobhan. Siobhan. Uh-huh. Instead of Siobhan, as I used to say when I was younger. From, just to complicate things, Siobhan. Siobhan. Instead of Siobhan, as I used to say when I was younger. Oh, yeah. Easily done. Well, what can you do? Nothing.

That's that summed up. As a young reader, I never realised that Enid was a girl's name. I thought Enid Blyton books were written by a man. Not that it mattered. Did it put you off when you discovered? It was a big moment for me. I still think about it. I still think I feel foolish really. No, no, I don't feel bad about it.

I was only seven or something. Ten maybe? Was it the Blyton of your life? Very good. Thanks. Frank, we have to get back to this Dublin email. We don't have to do anything. This six o'clock news business, like it must affect the phraseology when they say, oh, I saw on the 601 News last night. Just, it doesn't fall off the tongue as easily, does it?

Do they know, though? I mean... You think they don't know? Well, I think there's a bit of a... There are people that don't realise their news is a minute late. Well, there's a whole myth about the news being on time. I mean, I... Well, there is on this show. I really try, I there is on this show i really try i really try on

this show to get to get the news to start within the minute of 10 o'clock or nine o'clock or whatever but you know we have gone 901 i think we've gone 902 and other shows that's all over the show to be honest with you i've heard one show 909 i mean. I mean, what? It's, um, so, you know, I think the news rarely starts on the hour, on the commercials, because you've got to get the adverts in, more important than news. Much more. Yeah, so, yeah, it is just like... Also, on the subject of my time thing,

one thing I've never mentioned, in case you're one of the swathes of new listeners to the show, I don't set my alarms at sort of five past or ten past or quarter past. They're on nine minutes past and one minute past. I won't be the slave of the oppressive twelfths. But also my iPhone, other smartphones are available, my iPhone is six minutes fast and has been since I had it. Oh, has it? And you don't alter it because

I don't alter it because it's an individual and it's made its own decision. I never set it like that. It's not an individual. I'm not sure it is. That's why they call them iPhones. No, but he's from that generation. He thinks robots and things like that. No, but it is.

They don't call them OS phones. He reveres sort of it's got its own. Oh, yeah, exactly. robots and things like that. They don't call them OS phones. It's iPhones. Oh yeah, exactly. Do you think Tarzan uses a Mi phone? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Got a bit of news just in. Morning team, onomatopoeic shoes, surely tap shoes? Tap, yeah. That's what they do? Tap, yes. Good work. Good, very good.

And he says, or has someone mentioned it already? No. And they add, had to turn you off while I treated a patient, which really upsets me because I have to switch to assist the station for the last hour. Too much info. I thought that, but it turns out it's Gregor physioing in Lewisham. I think if you're physioing, that's fine, isn't it?

Oh, I thought he was a surgeon. Yeah, I thought he was serious. If that was a surgeon and he was breaking off to text in about onomatopoeic shoes, I'd be a bit concerned. Well, such is my mind that when he said I had to turn you off, I thought it was a tap joke. Oh.

So, you know, we're all confused. That is very your mind. Tap shoes is good. We've had a number of people texting in with the suggestion of galoshes. We've had Philip Gallagher and Simon and Vanessa. One thinks of it in heavy rain or even through a small river. I just think of it as Chekhov. I think of an abattoir.

There's a Chekhov quite a lot in it. Have you sent that to Chekhov? What was he going to buy? Harley Street. My epicanthic folds treat. Yeah, galoshes is good. I know somebody, so we'll talk. Yeah, all right.

Galosh, galosh, galosh as you walk. Do you think? Galosh, galoshes is good. I know somebody, so we'll talk. Yeah, all right. Galosh, galosh, galosh as you walk. Do you think... Galosh, galosh. Not galoshes, to be fair, but galosh, galosh. I think it's infinitely preferable to the way you're pronouncing Wellingtons. I think Wellingtons are a bit wobbly when you walk, though. One of the Wellingtons. Oh, that was weird.

Where's me one of the Wellingtons? I don't think that's how they're spelled. You can't say that every time you say Wellington. Well, I don't say that much, I'll be honest with you. You know, I live in central London. I don't really need a Wellington. So you tend to go from one heated interior to another, really. Well, I don't know if that's true.

I have my long walk to Little Kickers on a Friday. But still, that's enough about my... What did you think? This is Twitter. Got anything to talk about? Oh, yeah, I have. I have actually got something to talk about. Is that why we're all gathered here? You're probably wondering why we're all gathered here today.

You know, sometimes you think, oh, what am I going to talk about? No, but there is something I want to talk about. Oh, yeah, what? Did you read about driverless cars, which are an obsession with me? No, that's never... No, this is true. 2015 will be

the year of the driverless car. Yeah, like we were promised the hover car. What happened to that? Oh, your generation is so resentful about the way all that spacing didn't take off and you were promised so much. Well, the hover car didn't take off. Well, space didn't really either, did it? Well, come on, we got there.

Yeah, but what did we do when we were there? Nothing. Well, you know, they put a flag in it. So the idea behind it, I'm not sure of the idea behind it, but I think they have suggested that it would be good for driving children around. What? Yes. I really want to put my child in a driverless car.

Can you imagine seeing a car with, like, six three-year-olds in there? I would love it. And an empty drive-in seat. Oh, no, that's a terrible idea. Just, like, in the night garden, DVDs flying around, raisins. One of the suggestions was country bosses, because country bosses aren't very regular. Yeah.

So if they had driverless country buses... Who'd save on the expense of a driver, is what they said. Better than the usual country method, which, of course, is drinking and driving. So at least it'd be safer than that to have none at all. In fact, just roll it down a hill. It'd be safer than most countryside drivers. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. These driverless cars, my initial thought was that I was going to be against them, because I thought, well, that sounds dangerous. And that was somewhat allayed, but not really. I think it's a bad choice of phrase by Claire Perry, who's the UK Transport Minister, and she was talking about bringing it in, and she literally said, we can't avoid it, and I don't want us to. I was thinking, might be a bad choice of phrase there.

I love I don't want us to. That's what does worry me. You know, occasionally, you get a runaway car. Yes. It's come down a steep hill. Oh, I've seen one of those. I love it. You're going to see that coming, and you'll be crossing around thinking, oh, don't worry, it'll stop. those. I love it. You're going to see that coming and you'll be crossing around thinking,

oh, don't worry, it'll stop. And that'll be that. Are they going to solve that problem? I had my own little experience of that, well, almost, when I was in a car, must have been about eight years old, and a friend of my mother's,

New Zealand woman, she said she went into the shop to get some Peter Stuyvesant cigarettes, I believe, for her brand. She used to make us buy them for her as well. And she said, right, there's a lever there. Put your hand on it. If it starts rolling down the hill,

cling on to that, children. She just went in. She left us in the car. I've never held on to anything so tightly in my life. Wow. It did feel a little bit moody, but, you know, that was... Different rules apply there. A little vignette from my childhood there.

Different times. Different times. People were less worried? Different times. Different times. People were less worried about handbrakes. Different times here on Absolute Radio. I do think, you know when we talk about occasionally what's improved over the years? Handbrakes are definitely up there. They've really come on, haven't they?

They've got a lot better. I thought you were going to say parenting. Handbrakes, parenting's got better. I find, on the occasions I've shared a car with a partner, I don't occasions I've shared a car with a partner, I don't think I've ever tried so hard to put the handbrake on as I do then. The joy of leaving it on so

hard that they can't release it. I don't know, it's not a good thing. I'm not saying it's a good thing about my personality. No, it sounds petty. But it's awful. But fun. Nevertheless. How does it work then? Does it rely on sat-nav? I mean you could end up in Colchester. A driverless car?

Yeah. I don't know, but I've been thinking I like it. I thought I would be against it, but I think it's... It'll never happen. I predict it'll never happen. Imagine how much more enjoyable driving would be if there weren't other drivers, because they're the biggest problem for me.

Like the bloke in his white van that threw a banana skin out and it hit my windscreen yesterday. Really? What if it had gone lower? The car could have completely slipped over. Exactly. And this was on a motorway. What about a comedian who died avoiding a banana skin? What a way to go. It's probably the only way

I'd get nearer the front page. Well, I don't know about the front page, but I think... Perhaps in some of the red tops. You might get a sidebar of shame if it says you know me. But then I was thinking, well, what do I do now? Because I was really annoyed by it. Because he threw it out the driver's side.

Like, at least wind the window down and go right across into the long grass. And I was thinking, I should speed up. Long grass? Where were you? Sounds like the jungle, Bert. If I had sped up and shook my fist at him, there's no way of saying you threw that banana skin out and it's an irresponsible thing to do through mime whilst driving, is there? It's difficult. It's a tricky one.

Yeah. And you know who else won't like the driverless car? Who? Greggs. They've only just got on the motorways, haven't they? Have they? I haven't noticed them. Imagine how they're not going to sell scotch eggs to the driverless car drivers.

Would I be up front, though? Or in the back? Well, that'd be up to you, I suppose. The driver's not going to sell scotch eggs to the driverless car drivers. Would I be up front, though, or in the back? That'd be up to you, I suppose. The driver's not going to dictate. That's the great thing. You can sit in the driver's seat if you wanted. It's a lousy bit of cornering that was. Slag them on. That'd be lovely. Enjoy that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had an email, Frank, which I'd like to share with you. It's regarding our esteemed colleague. This is from John. That me? No. This is from John, and he's in Burnley. It is about you. Hello, all.

Excellent. Last Saturday, a group of friends and I decided to go to the big city to celebrate my 49th birthday. A great day in Manchester was had by all. Well done on that. After a long day going from pub to... It says pub to pud. Is that a Mancunian expression?

No, I think it's probably a typo. Oh, OK. Pub to pub, perhaps. Well, maybe they went to a pub and they went for something to eat. Where could they go, Frank? Where you'd just be able to buy sweets? What about Just Sweets? Just Desserts?

Just Sweets. Good idea. My dessert's only restaurant. Yeah. Just Sweets. Could be. Yeah. We made a spur-of-the-moment decision

to go to the Comedy Store. Oh. You can imagine my delight when we sat down and as soon as the show started, Alan walked onto the stage and announced he was our compere for the evening. That's what I do, I make announcements. I walk on and I announce things. I take a gong. It's an

important part of my showbiz career. Do you say I am your compere for the evening? I don't think I do, but I like the fact that someone thinks I do. You wear a frilly shirt and a bow tie. I would have. Saturday mornings for me consist of hiking with your show on my dab radio. So it was rather chuffed to see Alan in the flesh for the first time. Not five minutes into the show, Alan made a funny comment. Well.

About five minutes? Blimey. How long was the show? Don't rush headlong into comedy. I'd like to think it was sooner than that. Was it a seven minute show? Does it mean a specific one? He said. I'd like to think it was sooner than that. Was it a seven-minute show? Does it mean a specific one? He said, hold your high horses, I'll tell you.

It's not an email slagging me off, surely. He wouldn't have read that, would you? Made a funny comment about a man's tattoos on the front row. I'll let Alan tell you about the threats of extreme violence. All I want to know is, what did Alan have his minions do to the two offenders so they didn't appear back after the break? Well, the short answer to that is nothing. I think they self-removed. They probably just slid onto the floor.

Something like that. Here's what happened. I was the host, and actually, a little bit of background, the Comedy Store Manchester have moved their early show. And actually, a little bit of background, the Comedy Store Manchester have moved their early show. So it used to be like 8pm or 8.30, and now it begins at 7. So it's really early for a stand-up show. And the conversation in the dressing room before I went on was, it's gone a bit theatre-y now, hasn't it, the early show?

It's really calm and theatre-y. The show manager said to me, Alan, we need you to do eight minutes because we've got a late show at the start. So eight minutes, I'll light you on five. Before my light even comes on, a tattooed, huge, 16 stone minimum guy is standing at the front going, are you saying they're cheap? Are you saying they're cheap? Because then he jumped up onto his feet and started shouting at me. But- Oh dear. I don't think, I'm going to say, I mean, I didn't actually have a go at his tattoos.

What I said was, he had an arm full of tattoos, and I said, I see you've got one arm full of tattoos, are you saving up for the other arm? Which I thought was actually quite valid. And if you look at what he was saying, he was saying, are you saying they're cheap? But the thing that I said implicated that they were not cheap. I was actually suggesting they're expensive in that you need to save up for the other arm. What I wanted to say to him was, to be honest, I'm not that interested in them. I'm just trying to get to some jokes that I already have about tattoos. Yeah, exactly. But I think he might have then thought, all right, you've got some jokes about them. You're

going to make fun of my tattoos and that could have exacerbated the situation. Oh, sounds terrible. But whilst this huge man was shouting at me, I did think, it's not that theatre-y, this. No. They say the early show's gone a bit theatre-y, but I didn't have to, I didn't say anything. Can I say what I liked about that anecdote? When you said, I'll light you on five.

Yeah. It went very sort of, you know. Glimpse behind the curtain. Yeah, I enjoyed that. Yeah, yeah. Can I give you a piece of advice? I tend to... Oh, no, don't give her a piece of advice.

I remember you gave some to Steve recently. I've managed to avoid these situations of late with prohibitively high ticket prices. Try that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just for clarity, can I just say to any of the readers that I'm not a volatile, controversial comedian

that has big, muscly men shout at him at every gig I do. It was just a guy had somewhat misunderstood something I'd said and overreacted. I'm surprised there isn't more violence in comedy clubs. Well, me too, in a way. If you consider how horrible a lot of people are. Yes. What, the comics?

And there is a bit of leg pulling and stuff goes on. Yeah. Often they're very foolish, don't understand leg pulling. I think that is what the problem was. Not that I want to antagonise the guy, if anything. He won't be listening to this. All right, I joked about his tattoos, but I think we should draw a line under it.

And just move on. Yeah. But I think that was the problem, that he just didn't get that he was being teased a little bit. Yeah. However, I have recently had a spate of strange moments at gigs with people shouting... A spate? Normally I only apply to burglaries. A spate? Well, I told you once. About a spate of strange moments at gigs with people shouting... A spate? Normally I only apply to burglaries.

A spate. Well, I told you once, my only time I've ever used a spate was when a date kept cancelling on me. And I said in this email to him, due to the recent spate of cancellations, am I to assume you are currently in a witness protection programme?

I think a spate of date cancellations would have been good. He might have thought he was getting an email from Dr Seuss. Yeah, I was telling a story... I do not like it in a box. I do not like it with a fox. I do not like it in the rain. I do not like it on a train. I do not like it in a boat.

I do not like it with a goat. Can I say none of those things apply to me? You like all of those things, don't you? Do you like green eggs and how yes i do actually i'll get you some that's christmas sorted carry on that one are you sure you don't want to do some more rhyming no no that'll do um i was uh i was telling a story it's an old story it's just a story it's a thing that happened to me years ago in france it's a it's's a bit of what we stand-ups call material. And I was telling it in front of about 800 people at a dinner thing that I do. Drop Valley.

And as I was saying this story, this thing that happened to me in France, a woman very loudly went, Italy! It's Italy! And I said, what, madam? She went, it's Italy! And I said, no, no. Do you normally work with a prompt? It happened to, no, she was a drunk woman on the front table. Oh, right. I said, it happened to me. And she went, it's Italy! And I'm not going to lie, for a split

second I considered retelling the whole story as if it happened to me in Italy, because she was so forceful about it. And she was angry. Was she receiving a long-distance telephone call? If she was, it was on her hands-free and I couldn't tell. But terrifying. That is terrifying. Hold on.

That's not it. That's not it. There's more. It's a spate, as I've told you. Can we have a musical intro? Yeah, all right. All right, fine. Just bookmark that yarn.

OK. Absolutemark that yarn. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So another gig that I was doing, this is the Alan Cochran gig stories show section. I'm enjoying it. I was regaling them with an anecdote that took place in Birmingham. Birmingham. Birmingham.

Oh, yeah. Birmingham, your old stomping ground. It's not... Does it involve a hotel room without a... Yeah, it was that old. I think you called that the first time you came on this show as a guest. I did indeed. You told that story. I was dropping some old golds on them,

and a woman shouted out, What's this got to do with Birmingham? And I said... Well, a question I ask myself every week. Was it the same woman? It's where it happened. No, a different gig entirely. It wasn't a geographical heckler. I've had a real spate of geographical hecklers.

I fully expect to do my show tonight and someone to ask me a question about Oxbow Lakes in the middle of my gig. Yeah, or the fishing industry in Scandinavia. That's all I remember from geography at school. Yeah, I've had a right run of oddness. And, this is actually something I could pick your brains about.

I did a gig for the Radio Festival in Salford last week. And I had to perform in front of people who I recognise and are fans of. Like who? Guy Garvey from Elbow was on the front row with his father because he was going to be given an

award. You love Elbow. I'm a big Elbow fan and I've been a long term Elbow. I'm not like a new touristy Elbow. Don't start that. Did he laugh at your jokes? Well that was the awful thing was that I know that he laughed at some of them but I also caught a glimpse when he wasn't laughing and I hate that. Are you sure it was Guy Garvey and not Richard Herring? No it was definitely

Guy Garvey although also there was Richard Hawley whose music I like too, so I felt a bit like I've not really gigged that much in front of celebs. It wasn't a pop rock festival. It was a music thing, wasn't it? OK, yeah. But have you done a lot of gigs in front of people that you're actual fans of?

I performed in front of Sir Geoff Hurst once. Oh, how was that? Oh, lovely, Frank. At a corporate gig. And I only referred to him a couple of times. He said he didn't want to be referred to. And right at the end, I said, can I say it's been a great honour performing in front of Sir Jeff Hurst.

And, you know, there's a little bit of leg pulling, but, you know, I hope you're all right with it. I hope, like that ball in 1966, I didn't cross the line. Oh. How'd it go? Slightly sparked the hole. But, hey, that's life. And thus we come to the end of another show.

And I still haven't worked out an ending. No, what are you going to do? Well, maybe I'll try that one that that person suggested about reworking the old jingle. Do you remember that one? So, shall we do it together? Yeah. You know the end of the show?

Oh, yeah. Okay, one, two, three. End of the show. Oh, I thought you were going to play the jingle and we were just going to say end over it. This is awful. Not sure I'm going to stick with that one. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

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