The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Panda

Episode Date: August 10, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank's away so Emily's in the hot seat joined by Andy Bush and Steve Hall. This week the team talk Doctor Who, Emily's Edinburgh tales, WiFi names, advice for owls and panda pregnancy.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning, you're listening to Emily Dean on the Frank Skinner Show. Frank's not, I should say it's Absolute Radio, just in case anyone thought it was Capital or one of those other ones. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning because he's not here. There's no Frank Skinner. There's no Cockrell either, there's no Alan Cochran. I'm not saying it's suspicious, but they both were wearing Follow the Bear jackets and getting on a flight to Falaraki. That's all I'm saying. But standing in for them this morning, I have my two lovely assistants. I have Steve Hall in the house. Good morning. Do we think that's catching on, Hall in the house?

Hall in the house. I quite like it. And the dulcet tones you could hear there. I don't like dulcet tones. That's a bit Man on Radio 2 would say that. The dulcet tones you could hear there. I don't like dulcet tones. That's a bit Man on Radio 2 would say that. The dulcet tones. Sorry, Frank. I've ruined your show. Is Mr Andy Bush. Hello. Hi, Andy.

It's an absolute honour to be here. Oh, he even talks. He's such a company man. He says absolute honour. He puts absolute in front of everything he says. It's a classic, that absolute honour. That's where you can listen and everyone gets knighthoods. Yeah, yeah, it's a brilliant idea for a new digital station.

I was just saying earlier on, I feel like I've turned left on a plane. Oh, do you? We've got water here, bananas, it's kind of like a little buffet before we started, it's brilliant. Yeah, well it's very nice to have you here. You're something, you see, I'm going to call you, I've got a nickname for you, I'm going to call you the Bushmeister. I like that, I like that a lot. It's like the hall thing going on. Yeah, good. I don't like it.

I think it might be the most horrible nickname I've ever heard, but you're stuck with it, I'm afraid. We've got additional personnel as well in the room this morning, because I'm a bit, they're a bit worried about me. I think they think I might make a mistake. Yeah. I'm under no illusions about that. So we've got Kerry, Bob and Robbie.

It's all gone a bit rainbow. Roger and Freddie. Yeah, yeah. It does sound a bit like that. Kerry, Bob and Robbie. It's all gone a bit rainbow. Or Jane and Freddie. Yeah, yeah, it does sound a bit like that. Kerry, Bob and Robbie. It sounds like an old country and western band. Yeah. Have reunited. I know.

And is Bob now officially, because I've not been here for a month or two, and there was a battle that Bob was going to, Bob's real name is Rob, but he's now officially Bob. We should say that Bob's real name is Rob, but Frank decided that it didn't suit him. So, in a slightly power-crazed move, decided to entirely rename him. And he now calls him Bob. Bob. Excellent.

He does suit that, I think, as well. He does. Definitely. I'm glad you agree. It's just the power of the Skinner. Rename someone. So, I feel slightly sacrilegious talking about this in Frank's absence, I have to say. But there's been big news for Whovians this week.

There really has, guys, haven't there? Well, it's massive. I was really hoping it was going to be, Frank, after he'd been foiled on Pope Francis. I thought they might offer him the job instead. There's a new time lord. I watched the programme. Did you see the programme? I did. I did watch the programme.

It was a strange evening's watch, wasn't it? What did you think of it? Well, first of all, I love the audience. I love all those people dressed up as... There's that thing, isn't there, of going to like a... You know, those sci-fi... Yeah, it was a Comic-Con vibe. Vibre. You know, and sci-fi, Yeah, it was a Comic-Con vibe.

Vibe, you know, and people were dressed as all the different Time Lords. I didn't see anyone dressed as the Sylvester McCoy Time Lord, you know, is that everyone else? No. Some people dressed as all the other Doctors, apart from the Sylvester McCoy. I didn't, I see, I didn't like the audience, Andy, I've got to be honest with you,

I'm going to level with you here, guys, I found the audience a bit acrylic wigs. Do you know what I mean? You think they might smell of milk? Yeah, it was a bit acrylic wigs, and it was a bit acrylic wigs and it was a bit waving banners it was a bit we will rock you yeah i didn't enjoy the audience at all that was the thing i didn't like about it yeah i like zoe ball she's still got it going on she's fantastic weren't some of the guests odd they went so we should say when in case anyone who didn't see this they made the announcement that they were

going to announce the new Doctor Who. And so they had invited guests on that she was chatting to before the Doctor Who walked in. Yeah. And there were some odd choices. They had Bonnie Langford and they had Bruno Tonioli, which I thought was an extraordinary choice.

He was the particularly left-field choice, Bruno. Yeah. Is he like a big Doctor Who fan? Is that why they had him on? No, I don't think he's a Doctor Who fan in the slightest. I got the impression he was a big being on telly fan. Yeah, I didn't even know where he was. I think his agent just said,

we'll drive self, and he was available. So yeah, Bruno Tonioli was there, but I just felt that was an odd addition to the show. I think we could have done without his views. I was worried he was the new Doctor Who for a minute. That would have been superb. Can you imagine that? Tap dancing his way out of the TARDIS. Yeah. Just the internet

breaking itself in disgust. I didn't. And then when Doctor Who came on there were all lots of sort of shiny... You should say the Doctor. There'll be Doctor Who fans. Why? Can I not say Doctor Who? He is the Doctor. The show is Doctor Who and he is the Doctor. I hope the Whovians don't have me for anything.

That's something I could really do without right now. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're listening to The Frank Skinner Show this morning with Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank. I should say I didn't do my housekeeping this morning. You can text us. I'm bad at my housekeeping, Andy. How are you when it comes to housekeeping? Because you're something of a pro. I'm standing in for Frank. I should say I didn't do my housekeeping this morning. You can text us on I'm bad at my housekeeping, Andy.

How are you when it comes to housekeeping? Because you're something of a pro. I'm okay. I kind of have, I'm not a pro, really, but I just have a little bit. I wasn't suggesting anything untoward, can I just say, when I said you were a pro. A pro. Yeah, no, occasionally, you know, chuck it in, see what happens. I'm a maverick. I don't play by the rules, but God damn it, I get results, Emily.

How off-piece can you go? Can you say the wrong text number? Can you go 8, 12, 16, minus 1? No. Or read it out. Do you get annoyed when someone reads your mobile phone number back to you, but with a different intonation? Yes.

I hate that. How do you read your number out? Now, I won't read my actual number, because there'll be queues going round Golden Square. But I do the first bit. Yep. That's how I do it. I do...

Oh, I don't like that. What's the problem with that? I just don't like it. I think it's a bit old school. I'm sorry, Andy. I've really gone off. But anyway, nevertheless, you can text us on 812.15 this morning, or you can tweet us.

Frank Sonneman says Twitter us, which I like. You can Twitter us, at Frank on the radio. And I think we did have an email in at some stage regarding Doctor Who. We did. Lorna Finlay emailed the show saying, Hi, Frank the Cockerel and Divine Miss M as huge fans of the show, and she immediately apologises for offering praise

we had convinced ourselves by Sunday night that we were about to witness the unveiling of Mr Radio as the new Doctor. There was no sign of Frank in the audience of the live Doctor Who show so we grew more and more confident by the minute that yes, he must be the chosen one Oh Frank, we share your disappointment.

It should have been you. However, after the unveiling, we took to Twitter to search Frank's name in case any other readers shared our disappointment. The public have spoken in an overwhelming number of tweets. It seems that many people believe that Frank and Peter Capaldi were separated at birth. Really? Steve, you don't do the voices on Points of View, do you, by any chance?

I'm pitching for work. This is my gradual show reel. Yours, Angry, from Rotherham. He does look a bit similar, I have to say. I think Frank will be pleased. This could just be three hours of us saying how we think Frank might have responded to the news that Peter Capaldi was... I'm not allowed to say Doctor Who, I have to say The Doctor, do I?

Yeah, The Doctor, that's a... Okay. You can say Doctor Who the show, but... Oh, can I? Thanks for that. You can call him The Doctor Who and there will be... Who says The Doctor Who? Hordes of nerds smashing their radios. Are you a Whovian, Steve? I'm a low-level

Whovian. Some of my best mates are intensely obsessed with the show. So if, say, Whovianism was an al-Qaeda network, you wouldn't be on the database yet, but you're active. Yeah, I'd have lurked in some caves. Yeah, that kind of thing. I like the way you said that. The cave of Androzani.

You said that as a slight... There's a little bit of judgment in your voice. Yeah, a little bit. Is it a children's programme? I'd say it's a family programme. Family programme. To me know is it a children's program um i think it's a family program family program to me it is a children's program and i think if you've got a mortgage why are you watching this but there are fans out there i'm aware of that i think there's i think if you've got kids it's okay but what i don't like is there's that 48 year old man on his own

watching doctor who that's creepy well what about this somebody like the most same you know you meet the most amazing man in the world, but say once or twice a year he likes to go to a doctor. Let's say Simon Cowell. Let's say Simon and I get it together. I'll take on that child. I don't mind. I don't mind the baggage.

But you never have to want for anything again for the rest of your life. But a couple of times a year he goes to a Doctor Who conference and dresses up as one of the doctors. Is that okay? is that a deal breaker for for a lady if a fella dresses like that and does that kind of thing um what do you think i'd say it depends which doctor if it was if it was tom baker then it was fine oh is it it's colin baker do you know what i won't tolerate mccoy either yeah no i won't tolerate a mccoy outfit in the bedroom that's all i'm saying and anyone who comes into my house knows that there's a sign on the wall saying that if you've got if you've got

question marks on your lapels you're out just going back to the actual program oh yeah so you watched i watched it i just was so mortified for capaldi when he came out they left him waving for ages it looked like he just you know being just been voted in as President of Bolivia. It was really weird. There was ticker tapes and stuff going off in the background and he was waving and waving and waving and waving and then waving for ages. It was all just a bit awkward. I felt embarrassed for him a little bit.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Now I know what you mean. It was odd because he's an absolutely gigantic fan as well so it must have been a surreal moment for him. Yeah. This is the Karl Mal. And he's been obsessed since he was 15 years old. Well, there's that bit they published a letter

he'd written to, I think, Radio 2. When he was 15? Yeah. I know. And that aged him as well. But that's no bad thing.

No, but I like that he's a bit ancient. I think it's good. But I think they did miss a trick of not, you know, they could have had Gaza. Gaza was available.

I think it would have been a fantastic doctor. Rock up with a fishing rod and some chicken. Chicken fillets and a carrier bag. Let's not go down that road. I think Peter could turn me, though. He's the one that could turn me on to talk to. Because I have to say, that last one, he was very nice,

but he was a little bit gap year and friendship bracelet, wasn't he? Let's be honest. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio this is emily dean i'm in for frank skinner this morning i always do that too much i get told alan cochran always has a go at me he says you've got to stop saying i'm emily dean i'm standing in for he doesn't like me saying that he's such a pedant though isn't he

i like the pronunciation of pedant. You've made him sound a bit more glamorous. Well, he was, I was listening last week, and he was telling me off for saying sitting in, or whether it's standing in as well, do you know what I mean? I bet his wife rolls her eyes two or three times a day to him. I'm glad you said eyes. I thought it was all getting a bit louche.

I didn't like that. You can text us this morning. I know Frank's not here, but, you know, I'm needy. I have't like that. You can text us this morning. I know Frank's not here, but, you know, I'm needy. I have abandonment issues. Please text me. Is that good?

It's 8-12-15. You can tweet us, which is, what's the Twitter again, Steve? Frank on the radio. Very good. I was just testing you listening. Right.

It could be. I mean, we can have a rival account, Emily on the radio. Yeah. I've got a rival account. Divine underscore Miss underscore M. There you go.

Get in touch. I need to talk... Underscore is a... That was developed especially for Fernando Torres. Oh! You and your jokes. Bit of football banter. He likes his jokes.

He does like his jokes, doesn't he? And he likes his football. I like what masqueraders jokes, and if you unpick them, they evaporate into thin air. I need to talk to you boys about my life. That's fine. I'm sorry, I thought I was in my therapist's office.

I've been filming a little show up in Edinburgh. I've been watching it. It's been great. I feel like I get to see you more for watching you on the internet at home. Oh, God, Steve, don't turn into a filthy green. Not in that way. If I wanted to see you more for watching you on the internet at home. Oh, God, Steve, don't turn into a filthy queen. Not in that way, not in that way. If I wanted to see you more, I would secrete a private camera rather than that kind of webcam.

Don't use words like that, Steve. I'm feeling a little bit uncomfortable with all this. Yeah, me too. No, Steve, that's very nice of you to say. I know it comes from a good place. If it was slightly awkwardly expressed, in, if I may say, a slightly Whovian way. Absolutely.

But I, yeah, so I'm doing this show up there. It's a kind of guide to the fringe. I'm doing it with Russell Kane. We're co-presenting. How old is he this year? He's, do you know, Russell's one of my best friends now, I have to say. It's all going very well. He's, it's an unlikely friendship, but it's working.

Yeah. You know when you have an old couple with friends? But we actually, it's all going very well. I love him. I'm his biggest fan. You've got a great chemistry i like our chemistry um and the good thing is i'll never need for a skinny jean again he wears some outrageous stuff doesn't he's got some skinny jeans oh he's got some skinnies when i see him i imagine his feet are bright purple but fair play to him for being able to get into skinny jeans.

I'm just jealous, I know. There's nothing worse than getting stuck in a pair of trousers in a changing room in somewhere like Topshop or something like that. Do you boys go for a skinny jean ever? But sometimes you don't realise they're skinny. So you try them on and you get trapped in them and you almost think you're going to have to hit the buzzer for help. Have you ever done that? A girl I was going out with once actually had to ask for help. She got her head stuck in a jumper when we were shopping in Liverpool.

Oh, no, that's so embarrassing. I had to come in and get her out of it. It was unbelievable. It was a trap. What you have to use on the jeans front is put a coat hanger in the flies. Right. No, that's what you use. You both look really alarmed.

I've never heard of that. It's not a weird charging by the hour thing. It's a proper thing. You do it to do, stylists use it on shoot to do up trousers when they're very tight. I think if you're at the stage where you're... Coat hanger in the zip. I'm just very nervous about a coat hanger being anywhere near that bit.

But surely if you're at the stage where you're having to use some form of a winch to get your own flies up, you probably shouldn't be wearing those trousers. I think the problem I've got with skinny jeans is if you've played any form of football and you've got bigger thighs, you just can't... I feel trousers. I think the problem I've got with skinny jeans is if you've played any form of football and you've got bigger thighs, you just can't. I mean, I feel very alienated.

Or if you're Will Carling. Yeah. He's got a big pair. He does indeed. You can't, I don't know, I feel quite alienated sometimes when I go into Topshop and I just, I can't fit into anything. I feel alienated, but that's because everyone looks like Fern Cotton in his nine. But Russell has no problems as far as fitting into the jeans, we should say.

Yeah. But what I'm finding is we're filming these shows back to back. It's all very seat of pants, our filming schedule. Seat of skinny jean pants. Yep. So it's all very seat of pants. So what I'm finding is that I've turned into some sort of strange exhibitionist, and I don't understand it.

I'm literally wandering around the dressing room in a bra and pants. Oh, really? Is that quite liberating? Steve! Oh, I feel so sickened. I need a break. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I'd left you somewhat on tenterhooks. I was in the dressing room with Russell Kane in my bra and tights. Can I just say, it's like sometimes if you get, you know, you get 30 seconds of the adult channel before it scrambles. That's what that was like.

You do. You do, Andy Bush. And then you just move on to a different channel. But that's what it was like. You know, 30 seconds of Emily in her bra and pants, and then we were away. Can I just say, no, I never scroll up to those sort of channels. I never have any need to go that high.

You don't live around the mid to late 600 channels. Oh, you know the numbers, don't you, as well? Sometimes you're trying to watch the cricket and you get a bit bored. You start off on 512 and then you just move up. Yeah, it's right off the edge of a cliff. I start off on 5.12 and then you just move up. Yeah. It's right off the edge of a cliff. I have to say, no, I only know the lower channels. The highest I'll go up is living.

That's as high as I go. You're not going to raise me any higher than that. But you'll miss loads of great programmes. Do you ever watch the show called How It Works or How It's Made? Have you ever seen that? It's just a whole channel dedicated to how certain things are made. And they'll show you how to make it. What is it? What sort of thing? I was watching one the other night. It dedicated to how certain things are made and they'll show you what sort of thing i was watching one the other night it was about how fleeces are made which you know

okay i must come around to yours emily's got no need for that she's just in a bra and pants yeah it's a very good point can i just i don't want this to turn into filthy creep corner i'm not telling you that i'm wearing that in order to be titillating there is a functional reason for this okay i'm not being some terrible girl going what was in my bra um it well i sort of am but no the reason i'm telling you this is just to explain that it's turned me i've realized with filming which i've never done this sort of filming before it's turned me into some sort of strange exhibitionist yeah because you've got no time to stand on ceremony you don't have time and i understand why i always think all these models get it wandering around with their tops off it's time that forces you to be an

exhibitionist to be honest so that's the naked rambler has much the same thing he's a busy man but i always find there's some there is something very liberating about being in your underwear don't you think like do you find it liberating when you've been walking around between... Well, yes, I know... No, I don't walk around the streets of Edinburgh in my underwear. I'm not like this naked cowboy, am I, in Edinburgh? I imagine you've got fairly classy underwear, though. No.

It was my M&S specials. But actually, I have to say, and Russell, very disappointing, didn't even flinch, didn't even just maintain eye contact the entire time. Are we talking like old, skanky... No! Big pants. Rope ladder across the gusset type. How dare you!

Rope ladder across... That's a brilliant album name. I don't possess such garments. Do you? They weren't special. They weren't special. So, but... But it's quite a good social bonding tool, I thought.

And I just had ended up... It was tight, actually, in bra, which isn't very sexy. But then the producer, apparently David Baddiel arrived, we were interviewing him. And he said, I'll go into the dressing room, we call it dressing room, it's a little hotel room. It was me and Russell, the producer, the makeup artist. It was like the beginning to a really bad thing that you download on YouTube. It was bad. And both of us, well, not topless, but you know.

And then apparently the producer said to David, oh, you can go into the dressing room, but just so you know. Just so you know, he said. Emily likes to, she doesn't wear very much. He flagged it up. I've become a known exhibitionist. They have to warn the guests. Yeah.

I thought that was disgusting. To be fair, I did get an email about you before I came on this show as well, that you may or may not be clothed. So it's even happening now. I was forced, the you before I came on this show as well, that you may or may not be clothed. So it's even happening now. I was forced, the last time I was on a few months ago, I was forced to remove my top by Frank. You weren't forced.

You went for it. I won't deny I enjoyed it. What goes on on this show? Was that hazing? I think it was an initiation of sorts. It's kind of like a Woodstock thing that we do. We're just a bit loose around these parts. We can't really help it.

But yeah, so Edinburgh's all going really well, and I'm enjoying that aspect of it. I'm sort of reclaiming my body, if you like. But I'm finding the commuting stressful. And I'll tell you why. Well, there's two reasons. There's the train. People seem to like to drink quite a lot on that route,

London to Edinburgh. I'm not making... There's no, you know, stereotypes involved here. But I'm just saying, 10, 12am, gin and tonic. You want to look within yourself, love. Because it's a four-and-a-half-hour train ride. It's just enough time to get a nice buzz on as you pull into Waverley.

You're one of these alcohol apologists. I won't have it. You can arrive, you arrive at half four or five if you leave at noon and then, you know, straight down, you know, Fingers Piano Bar. I don't understand people that drink on public transport though because I think, you don't get on the bus and open a bottle of vodka. Why when

people are on a plane and a train do they suddenly think, oh, I'll get drunk? Why would you do that? I kind of like, I think it's because for some people, it's the first time they've stopped for a little while, isn't it? So they sit down, they go to the buffet and have a couple of cans of Tannins Extra, whatever it is you can buy.

So are you suggesting that the first time you stop, you reach for alcohol? Yeah, the first break in your busy day. OK, I've got some numbers that you can call back in a bit. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I've got some numbers that you can call back in a bit. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Andy. Hello.

You can text the show, by the way, 8-12-15. I was just saying earlier on. He's taking over. I knew it was a matter of time. Give him an inch. Well, I was just saying earlier on that, is this fair to say, fair comment, that the cockerel himself is legendary for being a bit of a pedant? Would you say?

I'd say he's legendary for being a pedant, actually. Well, this is the problem. I'm getting flack on the text here. Like I say, you can text the show 8, 12, 15. That's what Jim Bob from Brighton's done. And he says, sorry to be a pedant Bushmeister. I'm now being referred to as Bushmeister. Pedant Andy.

Well, he says, pedant has only got one syllable, love. He's even called me love. Which is odd, because I'd still say it's two syllables. I like that he's called you love. I'm getting bullied on this show. Even if it is pedant, that's still two syllables. Yeah. Yeah.

So back at you, Jim Bob. Shall we go and get him after this? I wonder if that's Jim Bob from Carter. Oh, the Unstoppable Sex Machine. And Fruitbat was the other guy. Or Jim will probably text him and say, no, it's actually Fruitbat. I'm glad we've established who all the runners and riders

were in Carter. Thanks for that, boys. We're having a fairly pedantic morning of it, because Bill Wrights has emailed with some degree of... I like Bill Wrights. He sounds like something out of the 1940s. His middle name is Of. He sounds... Very good.

Love your political material. Yeah, yeah. It's good. Hard-hitting. As you are. He's quite angrily... Not even a declaration, not even a Dear Frank or anything like that.

And I would expect a declaration from Bill Wright. Absolutely. Very nice, very nice. He simply said, You all mispronounce Barack Obama. Oh. Oh, right. And then he puts in brackets, listen to him say it. Love you guys.

Oh. I don't spend an awful lot of quality time with him. But does he say, OK, I would say Barack Obama. Is that incorrect? I think technically it's Barack. Oh. That sounds too much like Iraq and that can't be a good thing.

There's a guy called Pastor Manning who's this angry preacher who hates Obama and he calls him Barack Hussein Obama. Oh, does he? Oh dear. Maybe I'm not allowed to comment on this because of the fact that I can't say the word pedant properly.

No. I think, what about this is a deal? When the Americans learn to say Glastonbury properly, we'll learn to say Barack Obama properly. Absolutely. What do they say? Glastonbury. Thank you, Glastonbury. They say Edinburgh.

Edinburgh. Yeah, so what about that is a deal, huh? Do you know, it is a problem, but it's by no means the worst of their crimes. No. Let's be honest. That's true. The trickiest politician is John Boehner, who's the Speaker of the House of Representatives, but his name is

spelt B-O-E-H-N-E-R. So lots of people say that first word as Bo. Well, that's just silly. Well, it's tricky, because if you say his name the way it looks like it should be said, that's a tricky thing for a newsreader. Can I just say, Andy, at this juncture, you'll find Steve, well, he went to Oxford and Cambridge,

as I call it. So as a result of going to Oxford and Cambridge, he knows a lot of factoids. Well, I tell you, well, it'd be a nightmare on the pool, but you'd love him in a pub quiz, wouldn't you? That is pretty much the story of my life as well. That's on your bio page on your agent's website. Nightmare on the Pole.

That is the most concise summary of my very existence. Stick it on a poster and see how it goes. Can I tell you about this cab driver? Oh, yeah, go on. So picture me. I'm clothed now. I'm on my way back from Edinburgh getting a cab. And the cab driver says to me,

no, no, I must have been on my way there. I'm sorry, because I was coming from my home. And my cab driver, to me, no, no, I must have been on my way there. I'm sorry, because I was coming from my home. And my cab driver, he picks me up. He says, I've got my case. I'm running a bit late. He looks a bit like Charles Bronson. I mean, the maximum security prisoner, not the late actor. Yeah, all right, OK.

And I get in the cab, and he says, next time, next time, you want to leave yourself, just a little bit more time. If you pack the evening before, you'll find you'll have more time on your hands. Wow. How did he know that? So I got angry.

And when I get angry, I lie, Andy. Oh, really? And I said, actually, I only just got the call that I had to be there, so I didn't know. Why did I lie? Just to get one up on Charles Bronson. Yeah, absolutely. He didn't know it all. lie just to get one up on charles bronson yeah he didn't know it all i compromised myself my own integrity then he started saying actually um while i've got you

well you've got me i mean you're a cab well it really is charles bronson yeah yeah he said i'm not being rude now anyone that says i'm not being rude is about to say something astonishingly rude. Yeah. He said, I'm not being rude, but your wall's about to go. Wow. Important pelvic floor advice there. Yes, he said my wall's about to go. I said, he said, there's very little support there. He honestly said that. That's amazing.

So he advised you on packing and he gave you structural advice as well. Yes, about my wall. I said, and I hated him by this time. By this point, I loathed him so much. I said, oh dear, I'll have to build another one. I said it like that in an aggressive way. And he said, well, it'll cost you. New walls cost at least 30k.

New walls cost at least 30k. Who decided? Hang on, a wall is £30,000. Humpty Dumpty must have been doing quite well for himself. Poor Hadrian. 30 grand. Is that what walls cost? I could make one tomorrow.

I could build the wall and it would not cost £30,000. The gauntlet has been thrown down that would be amazing that's definitely next weekend's show surely Emily Dean builds a wall builds a wall

new TV series after two on the bush tonight it would not cost £30,000 anyway is there any builders

listening to the show this morning I feel confident that is probably part of our demographic you're sitting there in your high-vis jacket, text us in on 8-12-15. Can you tell us

how much does it cost to build a wall? I mean rock-bottom price I want. Yeah. Basically, no frills. Let's quote some dimensions so the builders can get an idea. Give them something to work from. Sort of six foot high or... Oh, I don't need six foot. I'm happy with three.

Good. Well, I had to edit out so many innuendos there. Good, good. This could be a brilliant new feature on the show, called the 8.55 quote. Oh, yes. You kind of put a bit of work out there, and then people kind of, I mean, you could put the person

at the most competitive price, maybe. That's good. That's great. So how much will you build my wall for? We're going to fight back against the recession. Apparently it's all going. Can I tell you, he gave me a last other piece of advice, this loathsome individual.

He said, as he dropped me off at the station, he said, well, you better go then, you better hurry. I thought, you don't even know what time my train is. He said, if you want to buy sweets and magazines. Sweets and magazines. What am I, nine? Sweets. I did actually buy sweets as it turned out,

but that's none of his business. This is the Frank Skinner Show. Frank's not here this morning. I'm Emily Dean and I'm sitting in for Frank Skinner this morning. You can text us on 81215 or you can tweet us at Frank on the radio. And we have had some texts in this morning, haven't we, Andy and Steve? But it's a bit of an unusual text in. It appears to be, how much does it cost to build a wall? How much is a wall? Kind of an existential question. Yeah.

Have you ever really thought about that? How much is a wall? Exactly. But it's great. We've had an overwhelming response. Building a wall has helped build some question. Yeah. Have you ever really thought about that? How much is a wall? Exactly. But it's great. We've had an overwhelming response. Building a wall has helped build some bridges. Ah. And if you're a builder or a have-a-go DIY specialist, why not have a punt?

Text in now. How much do you reckon it's going to cost? 8, 12, 15? Steve from Gateshead says 50p. Oh, that's silly. That is silly, isn't it? Steve, if you're not going to play properly, leave. Maybe that's just the nature of Gateshead. Oh, that's true. Maybe the recession, isn't it? Steve, if you're not going to play properly, leave. Maybe that's just the nature of Gateshead.

Oh, that's true. Maybe the recession has been hard. They've had a property. That's in Ireland. That's what it probably costs. That's shame for Westlife. Such a shame, isn't it? It could be a loss leader where he's just trying to get a bit of business to start off with.

You know what I mean? Maybe get other stuff. No, I don't believe it. Maybe it's a cunning knight's move. Okay, any more prices for the war? Tim the Bricky in Sheffield would like to know the dimensions. And Paul from Glasgow... I bet he would, but he can absolutely get off.

I'd say 34, 26, 32. I think I've gone for the wrong dimensions. Steve, can you leave the studio? You disgust me. That's flattering, isn't it? Oh, OK. I'm probably maybe a bit big on the waist, possibly. Are we talking about the wall, Steve?

We are. The dimensions. It's a pretty sexy wall. I would say it was about three foot high. Three foot, right, OK. I'm not good on dimensions. And then it's about as long as a few houses. As long as a few houses, OK.

That's the most vague dimensions I've ever heard in my life. But roughly, I mean, it can't vary that much. As wide as a few houses. So are you wanting to build a hurdle for your neighbours? Any more prices on the wall? Any more offers? We've had some sensible ones. Go on.

John the Bricky. As long as it's not John the Baptist, because he won't stop texting me and I'm sick of him. Yeah, John the Bricky. Bring me the quote of John the Baptist. He said, £140 per day or £550 per thousand bricks. Which sounds sensible.

I'm going £140 a day. Is that a special offer? Yeah. Do you know Robbie, who's working on the show today? I love Robbie. He went, I mean, I reckon a while's like £5,000. Is that what you said, Robbie?

Yeah. What are you basing this information on? Yeah. I used to work for a company doing their IT. Oh, wow. Lovely. I don't know why, but whenever Robbie speaks,

I can always hear the Hovis advert music. I like that. Okay. 743 is said a bit cheaper He said 350 quid per thousand bricks Okay I'm going with you 743 Even though it's a less personal relationship Than Tim the Bricky

Because I only know you by your number I rather like that PJ has said a pound a brick It's like a battle going on This is how they should do How they work out who's having the next World Cup. I like this. All the different nations texting in different offers.

Now, you know what we have to talk about this morning, boys? What about the panda? Oh. I mean, never mind the baby Cambridge. What about the baby panda? I reckon if you were to come up to two men having a really vicious street fight outside a pub and show them a picture of a baby panda,

they'd both just stop and go, oh, God, so cute, isn't it? And they say, cute! Why do we love pandas? There's no need to be violent to a panda because it's already got a black eye. So they wouldn't want to fight. But you know why people love pandas, I think, is because they have all the pleasing qualities of the bear

minus the inherent aggression. Wouldn't you say that was accurate? Yeah. I like that because they they eat bamboo yeah um and they're i mean there are stories occasionally about pandas being violent but i won't hear those i think they're urban myth yeah and there's something so huggable about them they are they're really really cute when they're the bait when they're little babies i think it's them and polar bears that are the cutest of the lot isn't it those two and they are i love the fact as well yeah but polar

bears have the nasty streak they do have a nasty streak if you're going to keep one as a pet my advice on the show would be to maybe hand it over to the authorities when it gets to maybe one or two they're changing yeah changeable yeah they are very changeable polar bears yeah yeah but uh i've always i'm quite fascinated by the the fact that pandas have to be kind of... You never hear this about any other animals, but pandas are kind of always cajoled into copulating. They are. There's something quite seedy.

There's something like the world is some kind of dodgy businessman and they're behind some two-way mirror. They get a lot of headaches. Well, this panda, I believe she's called Chan-Chan. Chan-Chan. Well said i was going to call her a scottish panda but she's on loan in some strange the transfer markets all over the place right now she's currently on loan yeah from the chinese government now i was shocked chan chan is um 600k a year somebody if you've ever wondered how much it is to loan out,

you know, like maybe you've borrowed power tools or whatever from a local hire place, if you can make a wall outside your house. If you've ever wondered to put a figure on how much it is to loan a panda for a year, there you go, 600,000 pounds. That's quite a lot of money, isn't it? I think that's a rip-off.

Yeah, it's too much. I think they're fleecing us. Yeah, quite literally. A year as well. I think it's a bit us. Yeah, quite literally. A year as well. I think it's a bit steep, 600k. Yeah. What would you pay for a panda? Text it if you're a brickie.

I tell you what, for that price, I want a talking panda. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking on Absolute Radio this morning about the cost of a wall, how much it would cost to build a wall. It's an unconventional text in, and it's purely narcissistic, based on my self-interest. What did they say? Did we get a text in, Andy, regarding this?

There's an unbelievable text that's come in from Kez. And if you've ever wondered how much is a wall, this kind of breaks it down into the maths for you. And let's face it, we all have. Oh, yeah, exactly. Sometimes it keeps you awake at night. But 8.12.15 to text. Kez says bricks can cost...

Kez? Kez. Oh, Kez should know. He would know. He's a northern character. He does sound northern, flat cap and all that. 40p commons to £2.50 London stocks. He's a northern character. He does sound northern, flat cap and all that. 40p commons to £2.50 London stocks.

Apparently these are different names for bricks. Can I just say, can we have a moment's silence for London stocks? The use of London stocks. I don't actually want a moment's silence. This is a radio show being practical. But London stocks. Here we go. 65 bricks to a metre. Then you need poet sand at £50 per tonne. Poet sand?

I've never heard of any of this stuff. What's Poet's Sand? I think it may be an invention of Kez's to make us look like fools. Is that some of that Poet's Sand? No, not the Coleridge. I didn't know that last time. I love the Keats. A pint of Witch's Tears, please. It sounds like Mythical, almost.

Clash of the Titans. Plus the brickie at £200 a day, three days work, clearing up and prep. About 600 to 800 bricks a day. So a 10-metre wall with London stocks will be about £3,000. He says, but you work on the radio, so that's five grand. He's obviously not aware of the price structure here at Absolute Radio. Well, thank you very much, Kez. Just purely on the strength of the fact that you're called Kez,

I might take you up on that offer. He's in the lead at the moment. He is. Ian Angel has texted in and has combined the things we've been discussing and said in South London, I reckon it would cost a panda minute. Oh. Oh. Is he laughing at the South London accent now?

I like that. Gend the minute. He's gently ribbing. I think Ian could be taking that show to the Edinburgh Festival pretty damn soon. Well, we were. It does lead us neatly again into Chan Chan, the panda, who we were discussing.

And so Chan Chan might be pregnant. Might be up the stick. Up the panda stick. But she and her mate, Yang Rang, he sounds something of a shady character. He does, doesn't he? I don't like the sound of him. His name, Yanguang, it sounds like Mrs Doyle

offering someone a cup of tea. Ah, guang, guang, guang. What I would say about Yanguang is that there's been some doubt cast on the paternity this morning. It's all gone a bit Simon Cowell. Oh, no. Did you see? I was reading this in the paper. Because apparently there could be some other bears involved. It's all gone a bit Simon Cowell. Oh, no. Did you see? I was reading this in the paper, because

apparently there could be some other bears involved. There's Bow-Bow as well. This is going to be the cutest episode of Jeremy Kyle. Bring out Bow-Bow now. Bow-Bow, yeah, he'll turn around to Bow-Bow. Have you been drinking, mate? Um, Bow-Bow, yeah, Bow-Bow likes

a drink. So, they don't know whose baby it is. If he says to Bow-Bow, you're under the influence, in fairness, he will be, because he likes the bamboo. Yeah, yeah, Baobab likes a drink. So they don't know whose baby it is. If he says to Baobab, you're under the influence, in fairness, he will be, because he likes the bamboo. Yeah, yeah. And that's something of a sort of... Is it hallucinogenic, or it has sort of... It's a bit like catnip. Druggy properties, doesn't it?

That's why the koalas are so oasis-like. Who is the Panda Pops? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we want to know. If anyone knows, by the way, or is listening... But they're not 100% sure she's definitely pregnant. Yeah, that's the problem, isn't it? Apparently she's off her food.

She's moody. Well, that's London Fashion Week. And she's nesting. She's just on the six months to OMG diet. Yeah, she is. She's always... But it's quite... I like pandas because they're quite retro.

It's quite 70s, the panda. People got very excited about them in the 70s, didn't they? It's sort of Janet Ellis skydiving type memories. Well, now what we'll have, of course, is Kay Burley. Yes. Outside the zoo for the entire gestation period, I'm hoping. I'll be looking forward to that. It'll be a chauffeur-driven.

There'll be an announcement outside London Zoo. Just on a plaque. Yeah, that would be great. That'd be a great way to announce it. But, I mean, you know, they're obviously looking for signs that this panda is pregnant. So I was trying to, you know, think about what else do you look for? If you work in an office with someone,

you always get that vibe, don't you, about whether maybe they're pregnant and they talk about it as having some news, don't they? I mean, I don't know, has the panda made any irrational purchases? Because you do that when you're pregnant. I remember when we were pregnant with our little girl, you go and buy a load of stuff. I mean, what else would you look for? What else? Well, I don't know, has the panda made any irrational purchases? Because you do that when you're pregnant. I remember when we were pregnant with our little girl, you go and buy a load of stuff. I mean, what else would you look for? Well, I don't know, but I heard that Chan Chan

was well off the Bacardi breezes. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Kez has texted back in almost instantaneously. I love Kez. He's apologised, but there is no such thing as Poet Sand.

It was actually Soft Sand, and he was scuppered by his predictive text. Oh, was he? I love Poet Sand, though. Poet Sand needs to exist from now on. Definitely. Poet Sand is so much better. Yeah? Well, it's called that from now on we've decided it

could be the writer's equivalent of wicks we go get all your tools and a couple of bags of poets then please you see what i love about andy bush he's such a corporate man he's getting that little mention in there because um they work often with this station i believe don't they sponsor the breakfast show so well it's well the gauntlet is thrown down to Wix. Well, you're not doing it on my time. Let's hear Timothy Spall's voiceover. No, what I do... Poet's end from Wix. What I do want to hear is Andy Bush was telling me he's had some Wi-Fi issues recently. I need to get your advice on something.

This is kind of an etiquette thing based on my current situation. I've just moved into a new flat and I'm going through that. You know that nightmare thing at the beginning where you haven't got anything and you've got to get it all sorted out i do so i've got no wi-fi i'm waiting for my uh phone line to be installed and stuff in the next couple of weeks it's a hell of a wait so at the moment i've been doing that thing where i've been going to my local cafe or pub to use the wi-fi network which is just really bad uh but my friend carry bradshaw sex in the city do you type in i couldn't help but wonder all the time? I've nearly finished my novella.

But my friend Brian, who works here, told me the other day... Friend Brian? Brian. You know someone called Brian? There's not that many of them around. In 2013. What, my dad's called Nigel. Do you know a Nigel?

Are there any Nigels? Is there a Nigel under the age of 20? Brian and Nigel. We've got the two generations of Clough. Brian, yes. My lookalike, Nigel Clough. Anyway, he told me that I should... Brian.

Brian. No, I'm sorry. I'm still reeling. Brian. Brian. Anyway, if there are any Brians out there, you know, well done. Well done for that name. Yeah.

But he said to me, Brian, that I should knock on the door of the flat opposite because there's three flats in the block and ask if I can borrow their Wi-Fi for a bit until I get on my feet. Hang on. Sort it out. Is that okay? Hang on.

I think that's tricky. I think Brian might be setting you up for a fall. He seems to... Genuinely, he seems to think that's absolutely fine. Not only does Brian have the name of someone in a 1970s sitcom, he's suggesting putting you in situations.

It's a bit weird, isn't it? I can't imagine knocking on the door and asking whether I... Do you mind if I borrow you? Can I get your password for a beer? It very much depends what time of night you do it as well. In the daytime, there's a certain time. If you do it at 10.30... Yeah. I mean, you look respectable.

If I knocked on someone's door asking for their Wi-Fi password, they would know that I was searching for all manner of grot. Completely stinking of TCP. Absolutely. I'll tell you what I wouldn't like, is if they said, can I borrow your Wi-Fi password, and then it all started slowing down. And then I knew they were downloading one of their videos. That's a sign of a download.

But on the subject of Wi-Fi, because the first thing you do if you haven't got Wi-Fi is you do a network search, don't you? You see whether anyone else has left their Wi-Fi network unlocked that you can use. If you haven't got Wi-Fi, hi to everyone in the Amish community. But yeah, if you haven't got Wi-Fi, yeah.

So you look at all the other names. They pop up, don't they? They do. You can search for it even on your phone. And I tell tell you what people have got some weird names for wi-fi things right in my block of flats right yeah there's a wi-fi network called the owl who's the owl superhero and then there's another one called chelsea scum oh john terry the owl he sounds like we might read about him in the Daily Mail and he might go postal. I'm worried about The Owl. The Owl.

But I mean, you know, it does raise the question, what is the weirdest? Have you got a weird Wi-Fi network near you? I mean, maybe I just live with some weirdos, but is there a weirder one than The Owl out there? Well, I've got, I found a really strange one. Yeah. Which was The Walking Dead. Right after the TV show. Nice. Oh, is it? I thought I just lived next door to Nosferatu.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've been talking about strange Wi-Fi names, haven't we? Because you've just moved into a new gaff. And it's your gaff, your rules, Andy Bush. Exactly. Well, I've been advised by my friend Brian to knock on the flat next door because I don't have any Wi-Fi at the moment, and ask if I can borrow their Wi-Fi.

Emily, you took issue a little bit with the name Brian, saying it was a name from a different era. Well, I don't know if I believe. I think he might be an imaginary friend. I don't mean to be rude. I know, but someone's just texted in now. You can text the show 81215. Oh, and he does all the bits.

I love it. He goes, text the show now, 81215. He's a proper DJ, Ron. You wouldn't know it to look at him. But look, he says, I've got a brother called Rupert. What about that name? I do like those kind of names of yours, Steve.

No, I've had a Rupert. Sorry, that doesn't mean to sound so crude. Goodness me. You've seen Rupert Bear. Oh, Steve. It's basic wordplay. So we'll also have to like the weirdest Wi-Fi name, because people name their Wi-Fi some really strange stuff.

Jason says, there's a Wi-Fi on my street called Fred the Happy Squirrel. Oh, is there? Is there indeed? i quite like the sound of fred the happy squirrel well yeah the one near me is called the owl i mean maybe we do there's this kind of thing at the moment isn't there where people are dressing as superheroes you know yeah copying stuff like super kick-ass to go and uh you know do superhero stuff in the evenings maybe that's what these people are although the owl you know maybe these aren't maybe imagine if

the animals really had wi-fi passwords i'd love that that would be so good an owl is the sort of thing that would have internet access they are the wisest they seem the touch maybe that's the only reason they're wise they're on wikipedia all the time they seem the type they blink a lot don't they sneaky types though that's why they evolve being able to turn their head around to make sure no one's looking over their shoulder. But the only thing I don't like about the owl is the little Simon Cowell bit of hair they have coming down. Do you know what I mean? At the back. They are sort of mullety.

They've got a mullet. They need to go to Mr Topper's or where's the place Frank goes for 9.50 a pop? And they're very good at sweeping down on a mouse. They are? They are. Are you offering hair tips to owls? Is that what's happening here? Clare in Norwich says... It's more grooming.

I'm just saying, would it kill them to just have a little trim every six months? That's all you need. It's called maintenance, owls. Claire in Norwich says, our Wi-Fi is called TV Licensed Detective Van. Oh, I like that. That's good, isn't it, that one? And Rebecca in Nottingham has said there's a Wi-Fi in her block of flats simply called The Pig.

I think I've been out with her. Oh, The Pig. It's becoming quite a big thing. There's been news stories this week. Yeah. About fights between neighbours happening via what they call their Wi-Fi network. Yes, because what people are doing is kind of setting up intentionally passive-aggressive names.

So things like your music is annoying was one. That was Sting's neighbour, to be fair. And they replied, the person replied to that with your grammar is more annoying. Oh, get in. One all. Oh, I love her grammar, please. I wonder because in a big place, somewhere like Buckingham Palace, where

presumably there might be a few different Wi-Fi accounts because there's so many rooms, I wonder if Prince Charles would have something like, hurry up and abdicate. I'd love it if he did. I'd love a Prince Charles passive-aggressive. Do you reckon Diana had one called, there's three of us in this marriage?

Yes. That's how he discovered. Yeah, exactly. That's how you get messages across to people. It's a good idea. I like that. Well, keep sending in your Wi-Fi names. I like these.

We've been talking about weird Wi-Fi. What are they called? Not passwords. Network names. Network names. Robbie, you strike me as quite IT literate. What would you call them? I like the way Robbie walks over to the microphone for his big moment

Yeah this is it Come on Robbie what do you call them? SSID is what they're called Oh SSID SSID as someone with Jewish ancestors I don't know if I do know that Robbie's just made it up But have our listeners been texting us in on 8.12.15?

There are honestly loads of stuff coming in. People have obviously got loads of weird Wi-Fi SSIDs near them. Richard in Haverhill says, my neighbours, where I used to live, called their Wi-Fi, get off my LAN. Local area network jokes. I like that. Ben in St. Albans

says, there's a Wi-Fi near me called G-Spot. Thanks, Ben. And Robin Shepard says... Quite tricky to locate that one. Robin says there's a Wi-Fi near me called G-Spot. Thanks, Ben. Oh, Ben. Quite tricky to locate that one. And Robin Sheffield says my network is called Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi. That's good. See what they've done there? Yes, I do see what they've done.

There's some good stuff there. Oh, I like these characters. Paul in Dunfermline said there's one on his street called It's All Mine. Ha-ha! Has he got an exclamation mark? I didn't know that was allowed. No, there's one on his street called, It's all mine! Ha-ha! Has he got an exclamation mark? I didn't know that was allowed. No, there's no exclamation mark. OK. Just speaks for himself.

It's a very good way to send an aggressive message to an ex. That's what you should do, is change their Wi-Fi without them realising. Yeah. Party at mine 24-7. That's what I'd do. That'd be great if I got home and my wife had changed ours to I want a divorce. Steve, talking of your personal life,

you were telling me that you'd had some issues this week socially. Well, similar to Andy. Andy's had an etiquette issue with the internet.

I've had an etiquette issue this week at the theatre. I went to see an... He's quite old. He went to Oxford and Cambridge. Yeah, how the other half lives. If only that were true. I spent six months working on

Russell Howard's Good News and so I've had a cultural frenzy seeing all the things I never had time to see. So I went to see a play called Chimerica. I went to see with my brother. It's excellent. It's about the fusion of China and America. It's on at the Harold Pinter. I would thoroughly recommend it.

Talk on a bit Chan Chan and Yang Gang. Multiple five-star reviews. Started out at the Almeida, transferred to the West End, doing all right for itself. But it's a brilliant play. He's very posh.

He really is. Is that your own top hat that you've got? I'm so not posh. My mum would... I'm a lower-middle-class kid made average. That's how I consider myself. My mum would... I'm a lower middle class kid made average. Are you?

That's how I consider myself. My mum works in WH Smith. Does she? Yeah, I'm not posh. Oh, could she get me some magazines? She could. I love the mini Chapa Chup lollipops as well. What are the benefits of having a mum that works for WH Smith?

What do you get? Do you get any... You get cheap books at Christmas. I think she gets 30% off. Wow, that's quite a discount. That's a sizeable discount, that. But she works at the WH Smith in Boreham Wood, if anyone wants to say hello to my mum.

So occasionally she gets people who used to work. I want to go and meet her. I always like a woman in uniform. She's lovely. What's her first name? Alma. Go and ask for Alma. Alma, if you're interested, there's a lovely Brian

who sounds like he's from a similar vintage to you. Yeah. He can set you up. So what go on? And so at the theatre, I had my brother on my left and an old lady sat on my right-hand side. How dare you? I just didn't have my false eyelashes on. Well, she had herself a bit of a snooze.

Oh, she didn't. During the proceedings. And I noticed because she started to breathe extremely loudly. And to be honest she was of such an age that i was quite relieved that you could still hear her breathe yeah because she was so motionless that if it wasn't the noise of the breathing it might have been tricky but what do you do when somebody it was it was getting tuts people were noticing that she was there was a bit of a an old lady snore was it that you do how aggressive can you. I mean, you know that that whole nightmare we talked about public transport earlier on

and trains and stuff, but I would always like to think that if I started to, you know, if I fell asleep on a train, someone would wake me before I got to the snoring, you know, sleep talking stage, which is where you're heading towards if you are snoozing.

So maybe, maybe you should have given her a little cough and a nudge or something like that, or give her a little kick. Well, that's what I gave her a sharp elbow to the ribs. You didn't. It's tricky because you don't want to hit them so hard.

You don't want to turn into some de facto dignitas. You don't want to hit them so hard. Steve! Sorry, we're going to be hearing more about this shocking assault after this. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We've been talking this morning about all manner of things. How much it would cost to get a wall built. I've been giving owls haircut advice. And we've also been talking

about peculiar Wi-Fi. I'm not going to call them passwords. What are they called, Robbie? SSIDs. Don't encourage him. SSIDs, apparently. You know those things that flash up in the little box? Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about. Sarah, the poisoner, who used to work for this show and left after an unfortunate incident. No, there was no unfortunate incident. We love her and we miss her dearly, but she's left. She's gone on to bigger and better things. But she's actually tweeted the show to say, my parents have cave carnum,

which means beware of the dog in Latin. That's amazing. Cave carnum. It sounds like some kind of like paganist chant, actually. Well, it sounds like alcohol. That's what my parents would call it after booze, not after the Latin. But no, beware of the dog. I remember that very well because Caecilius, who I studied in Latin...

Played by Peter Capaldi in Fires of Pompeii and Doctor Who, Kycilius. Oh, Oxford and Cambridge, lovely bit of info there. He had Carvacanum on his doormat, Kycilius. They found a mosaic, a genuine one from Roman times, that had a picture of a dog and they'd written Carve Cana on it. Oh, really? So there was an actual Roman person who'd done it.

I'm starting to believe that Steve knows everything. Steveopedia, we call him. Yeah. That's not a great nickname. That's a tricky thing. People smeared that on some walls near where I live.

No, I had a better one. Wiccastivia. Wiccastivia, yeah. Do you like that? Yeah, that avoids the mob. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't it? A lot, that avoids the mob, doesn't it? A lot better. I can show my face in Portsmouth and not be afraid.

What won't avoid the mob is your assault on a pensioner. Indeed. Which you've admitted to on Absolute Radio. I suppose that's admissible in court now. Yes. It was a single elbow and it did the trick. Not to the skull. Did she really?

I often give a little quick stab on the shins. She was quite grateful. At the end of the play she turned to me and just went it was a very long play. You see I would want someone to wake me up

before I got to the stage of like slurping and snoring and stuff like that so I think you did her a favour but isn't there that thing if you wake someone from a particularly vivid dream

is this like an urban myth about sleepwalking if you wake someone up in the middle of it they die. When you heard about that don't wake't wake them up, they'll die. Well, they'll actually die. Properly just die.

Well, it looked like that might have been some kind of release from her. I don't know if that's true, Andy, but I have to say there's a lot of boyfriends I wish I'd tried that with. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning on Absolute Radio. I'm with Steve Paul and I'm with Andy Bush. You can text us on 81215 or you can tweet us at Frank on the radio.

Andy Bush, I have to say, has already given me a review on how I push up the faders in the studio. So we should explain that when the mics go up, I have to push these little knobs and i push them up and apparently i do it in a rather unusual way i love it i love the way you you use both your hands out in front of you and you push all the microphone faders up it really reminds me of how mr zulu in star trek uh takes the ship into warp speed you know when the captain sits down and says mr zulu take us out and both the hands go up absolutely it's. He's suggesting that it looks like I'm pretending to drive the desk and I'm not.

Anyway, this is a bit technical, but it was interesting getting a review. I like your style. Something of a Mr Radio, you are. If you're like Mr Sulu, he's Starfleet quality. Is he? You're so good at what you do, you can take this show into outer space. Yeah, you can take it where you want. Steve's being a bit sycophantic now.

Yeah, a little bit. I like it. A bit too much. You can do it in your bra and pants. Oh, that's better. Yeah, you can take it where you want. Oh, Steve's being a bit sycophantic, huh? Yeah, a little bit. I like it. A bit too much. You can do it in your bra and pants. Oh, that's better. Yeah. Back to where we were. Bring it back down to earth. All manner of grot. Have we heard from the outside world at all, boys? We have. We have had an excellent email

from Dave Mutton, which I desperately hope is his real name. Oh, so do I. Is he dressed as George Lamb? On the subject of Wi-Fi names, he said that yesterday he'd set his Wi-Fi name to Hack This If You Can. Oh, a challenge.

And when he came to check it today, someone else had changed it to Challenge Accepted. Amazing. It's wonderful. Oh, the jackal. That's my favourite bit of cybercrime ever. That's great. That's marvellous.

You were just talking earlier on, Steve, about your sleeping incident with this old lady. Absolutely. Who was fine and grateful. We should say he was in a theatre. When you said your sleeping incident with this old lady, we should say... I've still got it.

Yeah. He wasn't up all night to get lucky. He was, or unlucky. It was in a theatre. Well, if you've still got it, she's got it now. But I just, it's kind of, there's a lot of embarrassment around sleeping. I had a really awful sleeping incident when I was on my way to America for the first time. I did American Studies at university.

And part of the thing was you go and study in an American university for a year in the third year. And I'm petrified of flying. Really, really scared of it. So my mum packed me off like, I was like Ronnie Corbett in Sorry. She gave me some tree boar mints to help my ears pop in. And I was sat between these two really good-looking businesswomen on the plane. So I offered every, I splashed the mints at the beginning, bit of an icebreaker. They had one each and we chatted a little bit, got on really well.

We had our drinks or whatever. And then everybody went to sleep so all three of us were asleep so I slept for a little bit and then woke up and kind of grabbed the mints as my next icebreaker to start the conversation again

looked to my left one girl was asleep swung round to my right to the prettier of the two girls to offer her a mint but the top tree borne mint flew out the top of the pack and landed just on the top of her breast

while she was asleep and I was faced with this i would love to know what you do in this situation right because she knows i'll tell you what you do you leave it i could either try and take them off the top of her blouse risking her waking up that's not an option ever put your hand on a woman's clavicle yeah this feels like it's a brilliant advert for the mince it's kind of the creepy equivalent of the Rolo app. What would you have done there? Because I thought, OK, I can just leave the mint there.

More to the point, what did you do, Andy Bush? I left it there. I just left the mint there. It looked like I'd left her a little treat that she could have later on. So she arrived in JFK with a tree boar and a clavicle. Did it stay there? Because I wonder if she moved,

whether it would begin the journey south. That would have been so much worse for me if it had been pushed. In the end, I left it there. You don't want it going down to Florida. I certainly don't. But she picked it up, looked at me, put it in the little bin bit,

turned around, went to sleep, didn't speak to me for the remainder of the flight. Really bad. Really bad. She didn't like me. You should have done the same thing to the other one. At least be fair. All three of us. I'd wake up and empty the rest of the same thing to the other one. At least be fair. All three of us.

I'd wake up and empty the rest of the mints in the bin and say, my God, someone's been doing weird things with my tree boards. The three of you, all with mints, and you'd look like some weird kind of fruit machine. What do you do, though? You know when you're on the tube, it happens. Get over it. When one is on the tube,

and the person next to you starts nodding off and i mean nodding in the very literal sense of the word because the head starts nodding forward doesn't it head back yeah and what's difficult about that is so you can't berate someone there's a small window of activity where they're not actually resting their head on your shoulder yeah you can't berate someone for nodding can you you? You can't say, can you stop nodding because I know how this story ends. That's what you want to say. I know where this is going to end up. You know where it's going to end up.

Let me just call the whole thing off now. What do you do in that period? You simply place a tree-bore mince on their clavicle and they're suddenly very, very alert for the rest of the journey. I like that. That's a good idea. Do you know what? I'm going to try that now. You've helped me enormously. Thank you for that. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're listening. You know all that. I'm not even going to bother saying that. I'm with the guys. It's me. If you don't like it, get out. Wow, the real Emily's coming across now. It didn't take me long, did it? That'd be great if all radio worked like that.

Ours does, to be fair. This is the news. You know that. You know that. Look it up. What was I going to say? I can't even remember now. That's how much my standards are slipping.

Oh, yes. I think we should go over to email Corner Boys. Let's do this. Let's do it. Now, shall I attempt to use the jingles? In a Mr Sulu from Star Trek type way, that would be great. I'm going to do it. Here we go.

Email Corner. Perfect. I love that you can hear me sniggering on that. Who's up? Who's up, boys? Let's start with this one in from Holly. She says, Dear Frank, Emily, and not the Alan I thought,

which is a good way of setting this email up. She says, My friend Vicky has just got me into the podcast and I will not proceed to leave any compliments, but I do love the show. I know Frank does run a no compliments gulag here on this programme. He does.

Having been listening whilst out on my runs on a Saturday morning I'd always wondered what the cockerel looks like uh Vicky then went on to explain that he'd been on mock the week so then I went on to google images and I was pleasantly surprised to see that Alan was a very good looking fellow and that the image I had was completely wrong I thought he was a tall man with a massive beard in his 50s oh some sort of brian blessed character you seem to be mistaking him for spiritually that yeah yes he is channeling blessed yeah um she says can you tell how someone looks via their voice i was always taught the old

saying sounds nice on the phone add two stone when you say the old saying it's not something i've ever heard of before i think that must have been the old saying, must have been from a slight body fascist dad or something. It can't be, because the phone's only been around for a finite number of years. Unless that was how Alexander Graham Bell made the first call. Whoever he spoke to was devastated. All right, fatso. It's an interesting point. I'd love that if those were the first words ever spoken on the first phone call. All right, fatso. I mean, it's an interesting point. I'd love that if those were the first words ever spoken on the first phone call.

All right, fatso. But can you tell what someone properly looks like from their voice? I don't know. Well, I don't know. Everyone who listens to the show thinks I'm about 74. Not because Frank always implies I am. But they're all very shocked I still have my own teeth. I get that a lot.

They say, oh, I didn't know. You're not that old, really. Well, I'll tell you what. I have to say, I've met Alan on a number of occasions. He is a good-looking chap, isn't he? He's got it going on. Yeah, very chiselled-looking fella. He's fit, but he knows he is.

Oh, yeah. If people don't know, he looks a bit like Chris Marshall from My Family and the BT adverts. Yes. With none of the Loosh After Hours activities. No, no, he's a classy guy. Oh, yeah. He's got piercing blue eyes.

This is turning into some sort of tribute, like he's no longer with us. He has epicanthic folds. He does. Slight folds of skin over his eyes. No, he's a good-looking chap, make no mistake. But, well, I'm relieved to hear,lly that um he exceeded your expectations um and since you've known him emily's he got better because he's quite a well-dressed guy is he one of those people that recently has been kind of dressed better or is it was he always like well you see

the thing with your cock crawl he's got his brit pop style and he won't deviate from that he likes his brit pop style he's got you know and he and he's got his svelte, I'll say. He's Jagarian in the hip area. Is there any item that he regularly wears that you would definitely get rid of, but you don't feel that you can say that to him? You're starting to sound a little bit stalker, and I quite like it. I would say, no,

I would never criticise, I would never criticise Frank's clothes, either. We've gone through the hooded area. We've come out of the woods as gone through the hooded area. Yeah. We've come out of the woods as far as the hooded tops have gone. He's addicted to trainers. That's Alan's thing.

Oh, is he? He's got a massive shoe collection. He's addicted to trainers. He's the Imelda Marcos of Adidas. Frank and I have had other addictions.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Right, we need to go back to... We're still in email corner. Yeah, we haven't left it. We're still residing. We're like two tramps, three tramps on a bench. We're in no hurry. We're in passable, yeah.

Having a fight, maybe. Or are we having a hug? So hard to tell. Who's up next? We've had an email from Joe from Paris. I wonder if it's Joe LaTaxi. Bit fancy. Fancy type.

Joe has said, unable to record daytime TV and not knowing what Ms Dean looks like, I just Google imaged Emily Dean. Shocked and surprised to see dozens, nay hundreds, of pictures of naked women in various tableaux of sexual activity. I am none the wiser as to what Emily looks like, but I'm struggling to explain to Madame why I have all these pics on my phone. Madame, where do you work, Joe?

But anyway, there is another woman, I should say, in the interest of full disclosure, and I use that phrase advisedly. There is another woman called Emily Dean. She works in the, let's call it the adult industry. Oh. And I often get confused with her. Really? I'm not complaining.

I've had work out of it. Well, it's the perfect way for you to, you can smuggle some pictures of you in the 90s into that Google image, so that's the perfect way to get away with some grot. Well, that's true. But, yeah, no, I'm familiar with the work of Emily Dean. I believe she was popular on a site called Banger Babes. And that just doesn't sound good, does it? No.

Banger Babes. Banger Babes. Does your mate Brian still have that Wi-Fi password? But I've just Googled Emily Dean here, and there's a range of different... It's a bit creepy, isn't it? I like face-to-face stalking. Yeah.

And there's... I've done that, you know, Andy. I should tell you. A vanity search. No. When I've been with people, and they've mentioned their wife's name, or they've mentioned something,

while I'm talking to the person, I will Google the person they're talking about. They have no idea what I'm doing. If they saw my phone, they'd run a mile. Getting the background info on them. But there's an Emily Dean that sells a range of jewellery. OK. Right?

There's also Emily Dean who is the mission planner at Cornell University astronomy department. We were saying there's an Emily Dean. Like, that's not me. How do you know that's not me? You could be doing all these things. I commute to Cornell on a weekly basis. I just don't put tree ball mints on people's clavicles during the red-eye flight. Seriously, you should try it.

I don't wish to point the finger at Joe from Paris, but you have to search quite hard to find the Rudy images. If you type Emily Dean in and go on the image search, you have to scroll a long way before you get to the decent stuff. I'm sorry, you say you don't wish to point the finger, but you're saying, Joe from Paris who's struggling to explain to Madame. You actually get to, on your

Google image, if you type Emily Dean, before there's any grot, there is a picture of David Mitchell's face from an episode of Peep Show. I don't know why. Extraordinary news. I'm shocked to hear it. Oh, well i think we've fully exhausted what happens when you type the words emily dean into a search engine um all sounds rather exciting frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio We were talking earlier about, well, we mentioned the subject of mobile phone use, actually,

and how I have been known sometimes to Google people while they're sitting in front of me, or people they've mentioned. Have you had eye contact at the time whilst you've been Googling? Oh, yeah. It's a tricky interview, that, if you're interviewing Robert Pattinson. I can get you on his IMDB page. Well, I did do that recently. Thank you for reminding me.

No. He knows what I get up to. But did you read about this this week? There was this whole thing about fubbing, they're calling it. Yeah. Which is, it's the act of using your mobile, you know, during social interactions. And fubbing is basically, it's a portmanteau word steve being an oxford and cambridge graduate you'll be familiar with this portmanteau word is

two words smashed together to form one linguistic monstrosity lovely thank you very much it was like call my bluff i like that um i have to say so far the show really reminds me of uh you know that sketch from the 50s about the posh bloke, the middle class guy and the little chimney sweep I feel like the chimney sweep You're not the chimney sweep I am the chimney sweep Emily Well you know, call me, that could work I quite like it

But yeah it's this modern phenomenon of kind of snubbing people so it means phone and snubbing is the portmanteau word It's horrible. Do you not like it? It sounds like fubbing, it sounds like some sort of bizarre offshoot of dubstep yes i know it's a great scene though it's a great scene are you a father i'm not i prefer i've come up with a better phrase for it come on mobile use ending social life interaction which is the acronym muesli oh so hey don't muesli me that's good steve there is a good point though in terms of what did people

used to do when you were waiting for someone before smartphones were invented because i was waiting for some friends the other night in shoreditch and they were at half an hour 45 minutes late i was having a nightmare i was sat on a high stool around there was loads of girls and stuff that i looked like i was cruising it was terrible but luckily i had my smartphone with me so i could check you know i. I was reading football scores and transfer rules. Doing macho things. Macho stuff like that. But what did you used to do when you were waiting for someone?

Well, you see, I don't need my phone to snub someone. I can do that quite competently without the use of phones. I know what you mean. And the phone is useful because it doesn't make you look like a loser. Yes. But when you... I'm going to name and shame today. Go on.

I think the worst fubber I know, and I love her dearly, she's one of my closest friends, but it's Daisy, our producer on this show. She is, Daisy, if you're listening, the fubbing is bad.

She is old mother fubbered. Do you know how I know Daisy fubs a lot? Because what she'll do is you'll be talking to her and you'll say something like, I don't know him and he's just left me and I haven't spoken to him. She'll go, oh, brilliant.

She's not listening to a word I'm saying. And then I'll see what she's looking on the phone. It's a picture of her with Jermaine, her partner. And I think, days, you could have waited ten minutes to look at that old picture. So when you guys were on the same table at the awards ceremony a few weeks ago, was she fubbing during that? Was that active fubbing going on?

Oh, yeah. Oh, fubbing all over the place. It's quite a nice thing, though, I can say. Do people fub too much? Text in on 8, 12, 15. I think there should be systems, though. Like, I think there should be an amnesty, a phone amnesty,

where everyone just puts it in the centre of the dining table. First person to crack, you've got to pay a fine. Don't you think that's a good system? I like that. It sounds like you're enticing some kind of wife-swapping party. It's like cog.

You know what I hate, though? I hate people that get texts. This is a variation on fubbing, but this is worse. I'm going to call it smugging. Because what they do is they get their phone and they go... when they've got a text. Even Bob's done it just now. He's just had incoming.

Smugging. Can we call that smugging? I like that. It's the main thing about smuggings. They giggle at their text, but they won't tell you what it's about. Oh, they never tell you, Andy. They won't be telling you.

They'll go, and Bob's done it again. They'll do it maybe thrice. They'll do it three times in a row. And I just think, I bet that's not funny. I bet that's, you know, one of those, we can get your PPI stuff for you, I bet that's not funny. I bet that's, you know, one of those

we can get your PPI stuff for you. I bet that's what they've just got. It's another priority moment from O2. Yeah. No matter how many times you text stop, they still send it. They want to pretend they've got this fabulous life and I'm not part of it.

Well, I'll have no truck with it. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've been talking about fubbing on Absolute Radio in Frank's absence. Sorry about that, Frank. But no, we were talking about, we know it's that very peculiar thing that people do, which is essentially spend the entire evening on their phone rather than talking directly to you. But we had a text in regarding

pubbing didn't we steve i thought we might have it was uh and i have the email to dandy i've got um you too sorry sorry we appear to be with the chuckle brothers this morning to me steve to you they've taken over manning the texts and emails well listen to this this says to the beauty that is emily and the two blokes in brackets thanks thanks for that. She says, Emily, have you tried doing a Bluetooth scan in a pub? Some of the names that come up are nearly as scary as Wi-Fi names. That's interesting. We were talking about strange Wi-Fi networks earlier on, the way people call them bizarre names. You do get that with Bluetooth.

Everyone, if you use Bluetooth, you have to call your phone something. And my friend does this. He drives down the motorway sometimes and opens the scan search on his phone for different bluetooth names and you can you go past loads of weirdly named people whilst you're driving along you see i do well that's similar to are you familiar with the gay social networking site grinder when you say familiar yeah exactly uh what steve said well i am yeah and i was with a friend once and what happens is that there's a lot of people they all put their details in there's a little photo yeah and then you know if someone a bit like bluetooth if they're in the area is it a little bit like in the movie aliens where

they've got the radar yeah yeah it comes towards they're in the room yeah so they're in the room it will say where they are so it will say this person let's say say Henry from Holland, is 400 metres away or might be two miles away or whatever. Northwest. Yeah. And you might decide to go for a coffee or something is how I think it operates. So what happens is that people contact each other in this way and it works very well. I was with a gay friend and he was on the grinder, as I it on the grinder i think frank calls it the grinder frank's obsessed by the grinder um and he was doing it and all these names were coming up and it was like stefan 10

meters we were in london's old compton street so it lit up like the fourth of july it was going mental and it said stefan 10 meters away christoph 4 metres away and I went running around going, there he is, look, there's Stefan, there's Christoph. Apparently that's not Grindr etiquette. Apparently you're not meant to do that. There's a brilliant thing with Grindr. I broke Grindr. In America there was a Republican Party convention, traditionally a fairly unsupportive of gay rights political party.

And they had a convention in Tampa in Florida and use of Grindr in Tampa for the weekend of that conference went up 7,000%. That's great, I love it. But I mean it shows all the different bizarre things that people can do with their mobile phone. There's so much to distract you these days, isn't there? I know.

I know and I do easily get distracted. But yeah, I do find, I tend to find in general with the phone thing, I think, turn it off. Yeah. We've hit a vein. There's people agreeing that someone calling themselves Bram

Stoker in Leeds, I imagine that's not their real name. Oh, I am Dracula. He said, on the subject of cell phone amnesty, it exists in a pub game called Cell Phone Jenga, where you stack all your phones on top of each other, and the first one to pick it up buys the next round. I love that. I like the idea of someone, if it,

put it on vibrate as well, just to spice it up a little bit, and if your phone makes the others topple down, then you buy the drink. That's a good idea. Oh, I like that. Maybe there are loads of different ways, you know, people are obviously trying to deal with the whole, I like that. Maybe there are loads of different ways. People are obviously trying to deal with the whole thubbing issue. Maybe there are different ways that people are coming up with a system of penalties to penalise people if they are being antisocial.

And that's a good thing if people are trying to deal with it, I think. My wife gets fed up with me. If we're out for a meal and if I'm on my phone, she gets very annoyed with me and I try and say to her, we ran out of things to talk about years ago. Does she? Does she get angry? You see, I get annoyed when I'm out with a guy and he's on his phone, but that's only because I'm psychotically jealous. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

I'll tell you what we need to talk about this morning. What about the weathermen? We haven't even got on to the weathermen. It's been shocking. I never thought I'd be so excited talking about the weather. But it turns out, you guys have been reading about this. This is Bill Giles, the weatherman. So he's written, I'm calling it a tell-all book.

Well, it is a bit. It is. It's called You Have Wives. What is that? Idi Amin's autobiography title. What is it? Why are they calling autobiography title. What is it? Why are they calling it You Have Wives? Well, yeah, what does that mean?

Is that like a weather phrase for something? A bit in? Is it maybe, you know, the weathermen in the 80s, maybe they were just putting it about a bit. It was their way of trying to shout at ladies. You have wives? You have wives? You want a party?

Or maybe someone, a well-meaning individual in their social circle, came over and said, do you have wives? Meaning stop chatting those women up. But the point is the book, it turns out that the weatherman community, it's a bit like the Borgias, isn't it? I mean, some of the extracts make extraordinary reading. It would be Joan Collins would have to play Bill Giles. It's like dynasty.

Yeah, it is amazing. It says apparently to broadcast the weather you need a huge ego. It also says he was a victim of... Do you? You just need a bad suit from 1973, don't you? It also says he was the victim of a plot by fellow forecasters Michael Fish and

John Ketley to get rid of him. Apparently the animals were after blood. I love that. I think they should be able to write their own book in response, Ketley and Fish. You could call it a whole different Ketley of Fish. Yes. I love that.

I love that. Well, I like it when they say you've got to have a huge ego, you have to believe in yourself and have no doubt you're the best in the world. It's like Tupac and Biggie. It's like they're weathermen. They don't need huge egos. If you want to go down the film route, when you initially read about it a little bit,

it does remind me of Top Gun. You know when they're kind of... Yeah, yeah down the film route, when you read about it a little bit, it does remind me of Top Gun. You know when they're kind of... Yeah, yeah. They're goosing each other in the showers a little bit. That kind of thing, you know? Bill Jaws saying, you can ride my tail. I think Bill Jaws is probably jealous because John Ketley had the song about him.

Oh, we had John Ketley as a weatherman. Tribe of Toffs. Yes. Number 21, December 88. Oxford and Cambridge. He knows his stuff. He's on the spectrum somewhere. Yes, he is. Yes, definitely. Definitely on the spectrum. Quite a long way on and Cambridge. He's on the spectrum somewhere. Yes, he is.

Definitely. Quite a long way on the spectrum. There's no doubt of that. Which bit of the spectrum do you think Steve's on? 8, 12, 15? What I would say, this book, we should say, attention must be paid. It's been co-authored by someone called John Tether, which is a great name for someone in the weather industry.

I think Bill Giles should have been a farmer by rights. He missed the trick there. But, yeah, so John Tether had a lot to say. He seemed quite... Well, because the golden days of weather have gone. These days, you know, everyone used to know their weathermen. Whereas now we've had Thomas Schaffenecker, and the only reason he was a bit famous for

was because he accidentally got caught flipping the bird that time. Oh, did he? OK. And the new ones, the only time a weatherman is in the world of sociability is if they've accidentally done something rude. So there's a bit on YouTube of Alex Deakin, the BBC presenter, accidentally did something unforgivable on air that people have to go on YouTube and discover. Oh, don't tempt me. I might get famous.

Frank will never forgive me. I like the idea, though, of they must have tried to sabotage. According to the book, they sabotaged each other's weather bulletins and stuff. What would you do back in that era? Mix up the symbols? Get a watering can. Pretend it's raining. Just pour it just by

their window. Oh, it's absolutely bucketing it down. Or draw something bad on the sun, because he used to stick it on the edge of the road. I hope he's related each chapter of the book to a weather condition, like patches of cloud. Could be a difficult time in the marriage, or maybe scattered showers. I actually don't want to know what that refers to.

Steve and Andy, it's been so great having you on the show this morning. Thank you. Be seeing you. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. the show this morning. Thank you. Be seeing you.