The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Panic Buying

Episode Date: March 31, 2012

Frank, Emily and Alun discuss the current petrol crisis, unusual headgear and Saturday night TV.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You're speaking English as if it's a foreign language today. Do you know that? Yes. It was very sort of as if you'd learned your personal pronouns. I am, he is, they are. That's good. It's good to start off clear and then we can meander. Once they're settled, they trust us.

Good. You're not supposed to say us. I'm supposed to say you. I like the way he's already speaking like meander. Once they're settled, they trust us. You're not supposed to say us, I'm supposed to say you. I like the way he's already speaking like a dad. Once they're settled. Once you're settled, you'll be alright, won't you? Aye, love? There you go. Incidentally,

and I know I resolved not to mention the Sony Awards. I did. How long have I done? We were always going to mention the Sony Awards. I did. How long have I done? We were always going to mention the Sony Awards. But we got nominated for a... Well, for one. Best Entertainment Programme. Yeah, last year it was three, this year it's one.

You draw the graph. Oh, Frank! And do you know... Why have we only got one, Frank? Well, it's me. The show only ever had one, but I had two personally last year with the word personality in. So it's me.

As I've shrunk... It's like Jesus and John the Baptist. As John the Baptist shrunk in stature, Jesus spread. So the show is doing well. I'm dying on my backside. That's basically how it works. Nevertheless, do you know we're up against Beryl

and Betty from Radio Humberside? No. Yeah, that's one of our rivals in the Best Entertainment show. One of whom is 86 and the other is 90. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah. So I'm going to, I hope they win

in the start. I mean, I'd feel terrible if I beat two old ladies in a competition. I wouldn't. I'd be delighted. Wouldn't you? Absolutely delighted. Oh, I'm going to give them the award anyway. If we win it, I'm going to go out and see you, love, at this.

What is it? It's a, it's an award! It's an award! No, I think it's, it's an award it's an award no i think it's that's amazing i'm not the oldest person in the in that category absolutely fantastic um anyway so that's so frank have you filled up um no i haven't filled up because you've got your new motor as well. I have got my new motor. I'll tell you what, I, um, I have made an internal fool of myself in that I didn't say out loud, but I heard on the radio that, you know, there's queuing or petrol shortages, and I thought, ha-ha, I've just switched to diesel. Fine, absolutely fine, perfect timing.

And then, of course, it includes diesel. In fact, that's the worst one my driver told me recently. That's the worst one? Sounds like I've got a permanent driver. I haven't. It was a one-off. No, I like the sound my driver said to me. I'm imagining a sort of Morgan Freeman in the front seat. He's a sort of Richie Rich character in the back.

Why did he say it was the worst one? I'm confused. He said diesel always goes first, love. Does it? Yes. He's wrong. He's wrong. This fella's an idiot. Oh, steady. Honestly.

Morgan Freeman's an idiot. I saw it on the news yesterday, and it said that the sales of petrol had gone up by 100 and something percent, and the sales of diesel 71 percent. I don't understand any of that. Has anyone got a pencil and paper? Take it up with him, I'll give you his deets. Yes, please do.

By the way, if you want to text us about anything, especially if you're Emily's driver listening in outrage, we're on 8-12-15. Or an ageing couple of old ladies that present a radio show in Humbers. They'll be up, of course. They get up

very early, the old. Do they? They have to get up early so they can get the tops off the jars ready for lunch. Takes them about 45 minutes to get the top off a bit of piccalilli. You have to have about 20 minutes at it. God bless them, they're brilliant. Yeah. I'd rather lose to someone who isn't well-known, always. Yeah. I'd rather lose to someone who isn't well-known, always.

Yeah. On the subject of the fuel crisis, I heard them advising to fill up. This was a previous fuel crisis where they said, fill up, but can you fill up in a normal way, not panicky? And I was thinking, well, I just fill up. When the light comes on, I fill it right to the top, and that's me done. fill up in a normal way not panicky and i was thinking well i just fill up when it's when it when the light comes on i fill it right to the top and that's me done but i during that fuel

crisis i took to whistling whilst filling it up because i thought well that lets people know that i'm not panicking done it i always i always panic slightly when filling it up because i always think i'm inhaling quite a lot of this vapor don. Don't you think? No, that doesn't bother me. Because I'm standing over the... Over the pump. Yeah, I think, what if I slump now? If I just get overcome by fumes? And I've just found, it'll look like I'm relieving myself into the car

from somebody looking out from the booth. I think of it as a booth that they're in. I know sometimes there are quite big shops, but they're... No, it's... Don't you ever worry that. You'll be overcome by fumes as you put petrol in. No. Although this is no crisis to me, because as I've explained, Frank, to you before, my car is permanently on girls' empty anyway.

What is girls' empty? Girls' empty is below the red gauge. Oh, I can't live. So boys' empty is on the red gauge So boys empty is on the red gauge So people are constantly having to come out And fill my car up with a jerry can anyway I can't live with that at all We've had a text in

I work in a petrol station and diesel always goes first Because all the van drivers and big lorries use diesel Thank you my driver Van diesel? James and Belle Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skin Belle. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, I'm faced with a sort of a...

It's a dilemma, it's a moral dilemma that could be... Is it a petrol-based issue? It could have been a plot line in the Likely Lads in the 1970s. It is petrol-based. Yeah. And that is, my girlfriend is in Cheltenham this week, so I'm driving over to see her mum, who I think of as my mother-in-law,

even though we're living over the brush, I'll be honest with you. Over the brush? Yeah. But we... Yeah, but we... Yeah, but... So I think of her very much as my mother-in-law. And Sandy Mason, who's been visiting the show on many occasions. Yeah, she's a friend of the show.

Let's see if we can't find that jingle. Are we listening now with those headphones? Friend of the show! There you go, it still works. I don't bother with the jingles anymore used to in my in my early days it's gone the way of the guests i think i think it's yeah i think it's gone the way of the nominations so meanwhile sandy so i'm thinking if i can i've got my new car with the diesel, my van diesel car,

and I think if I go to Cheltenham, then I'll use up most of the diesel I've got. No, no, you'll use a tiny bit. No, really. But anyway... Don't talk about petrol consumption. Next week, West Bromwich Albion are at home. Oh, yeah. So it could be mother-in-law versus football could be the choice,

which is the most 1970s... Andy Camp would have made that choice. This is the likely one. You're right. I like some of the comments, Frank, as well. They all say... One of my favourites, I believe it might have been on the Daily Mail website, as always, the common man pays for it.

Yeah, yeah. Is that... Yeah, but i find the common man really pays for it actually but um another story um yes well i'm he's not paying for mine as far as i know no but um it's great news for the planet let's put it that way can i just say this i think you're able to do both of those journeys on your on a a tank? On one tank in your new car. Oh, my God. Oh, my goods. Oh, my goods. That's a new phrase. Is that the new atheist? Oh, my God. Just some general sense of goodness.

It's like, oh, my Dawkins. I think... It is. I think you'll be fine. For Dawkins' sake! Good Dawkins. I think you'll be fine. For dorking's sake! Good dorking. The word I hear on the street is, even though your BMW is extremely fuel economical,

if you do a lot of driving in it, ooh, you'll pay for it in tyres. You'll pay for it in tyres. Well, it's funny you should say that, because when I bought it, I was offered tyre insurance, something I've never been offered before, and it made me think, oh, that's a bit suspicious. Anyway, I turned it down.

I thought, I'll be fine. Yeah. Uh-oh. I'm worried about the Yorkie crisis. There's going to be some kind of... Now all these truckers are doing overtime. Think of the Yorkies they're going through. Yeah, you're right.

It's going to be a nightmare. There'll be a Yorkie shortage. Well, I've certainly pounded the road from coast to coast. Oh, God. That's how it used to start. I've pounded the road from coast to coast. It was a rather strange bit with good, rich and thick, a milk chocolate brick.

I was like, a brick? How male are you people? This isn't the only worldwide shortage, though. There's a Marmite shortage as well. Oh, yes. Yeah, but that's in the Antipodes. Can we make it clear that's in the Antipodes? I don't want people racing out now

and us being in the Francis Maud role of starting the Marmite queues. The little jerrycans with Marmite. Yeah. A factory was destroyed, wasn't it? Years ago, this is really very odd, because years ago when I did... I used to do a chat show on television.

I feel now I should be in a rocking chair talking to one of my young relatives. But I used to do a chat show, and I remember a Marmite factory burning down. Then, there must be something in the Marmite that's flammable. Maybe it's the yeast. I remember the joke was that they said that they couldn't, they didn't

manage to get all the stock out. And I said what they should have done is put a hole in the roof and put an enormous knife in, just to scratch around the edges. That's twice I've done that joke now. Do you like what the Prime Minister said, Frank? He said, I'm going to have to go thin, I'm afraid.

Was that what he said? Yeah. I love Aussie Prime Ministers. I have a strength. We should talk about this after, because if we don't play adverts, Absolute Radio will close down. But that's what I've been told.

That is how it works. It is. It's as simple as that. So we'll come back with more Marmite news. Marmite we were talking about. Yes. Now, you see, I am one of these... I think the only person on the planet.

He said, I don't mind Marmite. Oh, you don't mind it? I don't mind it. I was only having this conversation with my friend Leo the other day. He was saying that he's the advertiser's nightmare. He's right in the middle. He can take it all even. Yeah, that's so what I think.

It's you and him. It's a myth that you have to... You love it or you hate it. Yeah, it's a very convenient advertiser myth, though, isn't it? Because it makes people think that they care about it more. Like, if you make it a polarising thing rather than a thing like everything else... Yeah.

..then that's powerful for the advertising. Isn't it, though? Isn't it putting people off? Can I tell you what I've discovered I don't like? Is Marmite Sarn's birth. That's without butter. OK. Yes, this refers to

an internal problem we like to air our dirty linen in public it would appear I did receive it once from our lovely resident poisoner yes Sarah our assistant producer made it was a sort of Dickensian

breakfast for Emily it was toast it was penitentiary is what it was what you did you said oh i'd love toast and marmite and and you were taking it your word because no one ever says when you say like a ham sandwich you don't say like a ham sandwich with with butter ham and butter sandwich You don't say that, it just goes... It tasted like a punishment. It looked awful. It tasted awful. Yeah, I remember you mentioning that.

But we love you dearly, Simon. I'm going to ask the big question. What is Marmite, exactly? It's a yeast base. It's a yeast extract. Everyone can answer it's a yeast extract. But what is marmite exactly it's a yeast base it's a yeast extract everyone everyone can answer it's a yeast but what is that if you ask anything after that everyone in the world goes what do you have to do t i don't like the sound of the way yeast is being treated that something's being not extracted that sounds like and to me marmite is the i'm putting it on the same level

as veal i think there's think there's somewhat being done to yeast that I don't like the sound. It sounds like a grim interrogation. It's the foie gras of the spread world. Yeah, it's... I'm imagining some yeast in the corner of a dark room with a bare light bulb being prodded and probed until it's extracted.

It's Marmite. I'm not happy with it. But, yes, I quite like it. That's my version. By the way, if you work for Marmite, don't send me any. Don't send me stuff. That's my general view on things. I'll buy if I want it.

Unless you've got any diesel. Then, please. Yeah, we had a text in about diesel, didn't we? We did. It says diesel sales are higher because proportionally there are less diesel vehicles on our roads than petrol. Fewer. Yeah.

Sorry, I corrected his grammar. Oh, sorry, George Galloway. I corrected his grammar. That was from 198. And we had an email on the subject of panic buying fuel. I certainly look like I'm panicking when I fill up. I stuck petrol into my new diesel jag. The engine blew up and cost £5,400 to repair.

I've given him a Clarkson-style voice there, but I think that's appropriate. That's what worries me at the moment, because this is my first foray into diesel. Good luck with your new diesel. I've been putting unleaded in for years, so I'm worried I might put unleaded in. I'm told I've got a little valve that'll stop me from doing it. Oh, that's good. Yeah. If you put it in, it goes, um, diesel.

A little voice goes, duh, diesel. But in my new car, it's unbelievable. I had a message from my personal assistant that said, I've texted Sandy's address to your sat-nav? No. I mean, it's like the fifth dimension. Genuinely amazing what they can do now, isn't it? I can't, I can't, I couldn't believe it.

Well, here's a tip for your new car. When you're doing a long drive, if you just loosen your belt one notch, it's really nice. It's like my driver's setting again. Driver's setting. It's almost like driver setting again. Driver setting. It's a less 21st century tip. But just as convenient.

I mean, it's just as exciting. I think. You do that for the show as well, don't you? I do that for the show. I've got my belt on drive setting right now. I love it. Love it, love it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some confirmation through, re the extraction of, well, of yeast, which you were talking about earlier. No, it's not the extraction of yeast. I think you'll find it's from. Oh, Frank's just so clever. Let's try and make it sound like they're nice to yeast. I think you'll find it's from. Oh, Frank's so clever. Let's try and make it sound like they're

nice to yeast. They are. 457 Frank, Marmite was invented to make use of the waste from the beer brewing process. Yeah, and Phil, on his way to Skegness, says it's the leftovers from the bottom of the vats from brewing

beer treated and played about with till it tastes better than the beer. Well. There you go. Matter of opinion. There'll be Bryson up there, won't there? Somebody's also texted in. Helen Parkinson Sykes. Did you know the same person

who invented Marmite also invented corned beef? It's truth. It's truth. What a double. I mean, that is... The world owes them a big thank you for the corned beef, as far as I'm concerned. Oh, corned beef. I mean, that's... You've never heard anyone say,

you either love it or you hate it, corned beef. Everybody likes corned beef. Well, my wife hates it. Does she? Yeah. I tend to eat corned beef slightly nearer to her than is absolutely necessary as well, so I'll just... I'll shuffle up knowing that she really dislikes it.

It's weird that, isn't it? What I like is that the man who invented these things, I think he was partly, he was the man who liked to trigger conversation. He thought, I'll call this yeast extract, that'll get the chattering classes wandering. And corned beef, how many times have you thought, in what way corned? It's the salting, it's the corning of beef. Is the corn involved? No.

No, exactly. Call it salted. Salt beef is what you're after. Oh, that's a different beef. Corned beef? What else? And Tobes in Cambridge. Tobes? I love the sound of him.

Yeah. He says a German scientist invented it, but then I noticed the spelling of the German scientist, and it's Dr... I thought it was Liebig, but that's Liebig, so I think he might be teasing us. Oh, Liebig. Oh, Tobes, you little scoundrel. I would have fallen for that.

So, Frank, were you team voice or team BGT this week? What about you, Adam? Well, you could have been both, couldn't you? But other than an overlapping 20 minutes. It was a 20-minute crossover. That's what I did. I missed the first 20 minutes of BGT, Britain's Got Talent. I'm glad you're saying that, Britain's Got Talent.

Because if you keep saying BGT, people will think, what is this? Exactly. And you know me, I'm always looking're saying that, Britain's Got Talent because if you keep saying BGT people think, what is this? You know me, I'm always looking to draw people in very inclusive He suggests that I'm not in some way For me, I've got to say I'm completely nailing my collars to the BGT mast

Oh I'm voice I miss the sort of Victorian freak show element of Britain's Got Talent. Everybody, you know, the Elephant Man could have gone on to Britain's Got Talent, juggled, and probably got through to the second round. Whereas The Voice was, it was just talented people. Right. And who wants to see that?

You know, when you go to a karaoke, I don't want one good person. Well, they're good, but you want then the three girls, three drunken girls to sing I Will Survive. It was too many good people on it. Who was that man on the panel? I knew Tom Jones, and I knew Jessie J and Will I Am,

and then there was just a man who'd wandered in from the pub. Why was he given a job? That was an Irish man. An Irish man from the pub. Yeah, he was an Irish man.'d wandered in from the pub. Why was he given a job? That was an Irish man. An Irish man from the pub. Yeah, he was an Irish man. That's all I know about him. Who is he? He's from a band.

Right. And he's Irish. Oh, is he from, is it like the Shins or the Scripts or the something? The Shins. I love the Shins. The something. He might be the Script. He might be the Script.

Yeah, but, Frank, on the voice. People are nodding. On the voice, they all sing together in like a Muppets band all the presenters sang together can you imagine if they did that on Britain's Got Talent David Wally they'd come out and do a turn

they sung a Black Eyed Peas song but it was essentially it didn't have that the trouble is it's a terrible thing it was a much more moral programme it didn't. It didn't have that. The trouble is, it's a terrible thing. It was a much more moral programme. Oh, good. It didn't bring on people who looked troubled and then couldn't do anything and then you laughed at home.

So therefore you were less interested. Well, that's true. We've been spoilt now. I've been so desensitised by seeing, you know, people come on and just, like, looking at a spoon for two minutes and going off. So I did get a bit bored i hate myself for it i i think if you're a program that's not going to be really scintillating don't introduce to the audience the idea of turning your chair around in the

opposite direction because i thought you know that's not a bad idea. And obviously I want the BBC to do well with this programme because they are my employers to some extent. Well, I can't watch ITV. I've got a sort of middle-class control on my telly. It's like parental control. It won't let you watch it. That's tremendous. How do you get on with Sky?

An alarm goes off. I should think so. How do you get on with Sky? That alarm goes off. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, we were talking about The Voice and BGT. Alan's insisting I call Britain's Got Talent. I feel for new people, they might think it's some kind of What do you think? The wave of people is coming on the hour one Sony nomination Forget about it

People might be absentmindedly listening and not hear it and think we're talking about the BFG As opposed to being absolute minded Absentmindedly Not that you're really wags, but you know what I mean What about, did you see what Amanda Holden said about Tom Jones? Oh, yeah.

I mean, that's taking the rivalry too far. Yeah, we should tell the people that are absent-mindedly listening. She said, because he had a pop at them, didn't he? They've been popping at each other. It's been like rap-style beefs, hasn't it? Nearly. Ooh, they sound lovely. Yeah, they're invented by the same guy. I'll get you one later. Oh, hasn't it? Nearly. Ooh, they sound lovely. Yeah, they're invented by the same guy.

I'll get you one later. Dr Big Like. Dr Lie Big. Oh, yeah. Don't worry, it happened a lot to him at social occasions. Dr Dishonest. That would be someone in the tabloids called that soon.

I still don't believe it. Tobes has texted it again. There hasn't been a Dr. Groper for... It must be 12 months. What's going on? Tobes has... Tobes has texted in again just saying that he's definitely not lying.

He says he's genuine, honest. But then he sent a Wikipedia link, which I think he might... He sounds like the type who would have gone to the trouble of setting that up. No, well, if he's done that, then he's my kind of guy. So there was Dr. Liebig

invented Marmite. Yes, apparently so. Good for him. Sort of inadvertently. So anyway, Amanda Holden said that Tom Jones might be spinning in his grave next week. That was the thing she said. It was the next week. Oh, Dawkins, that's harsh. Do you know what?

There's no need. I think Tom Jones should just die out of spite. Despite her. I would, yeah. That would make her so bad. Wouldn't that be brilliant? She'd look terrible. And also the idea that,

I think Tom's spinning days are long gone. Let us not forget. Forget. Think I'd better dance now. Go on, then. Don't let me stop you, Tom. Don't just crouch on the floor. Think I'd better slightly writhe now.

I can't move. I can't move, you see. He likes his Elvis stories, Frank. I'm so muscular, I can't move. That's my problem. No, no, I said to Elvis, I said, I'm getting so big now. He can't actually move, Elvis. He does a lot of Elvis stories, doesn't he?

He's got all the Elvis stories. That's kind of exclusively what he does. He should have been on that thing that you saw last week. Yeah, the Elvis convention, he should have gone there. No, I like Tom, but I wasn't sure about him. Okay. He's too big. What do you mean he's too big?

Oh, his haunches are still going on about. It looks like someone has pulled a sort of a dinghy-type cord on him. And he's, you know, you pull the... He looks like his airbags have gone off. Is it a beefcake? Is it a beefcake? An itching beefcake? I think he is, isn't it?

Yeah. 71 and he's still... Also, he had his nose surgery at a young age he's very open about that so he did what he had a nose job far too early on he did so what he got was one of those 80s nose jobs that all look the same i know but he had a very roman nose um tom right do you remember the roman nose i do yeah yeah he had uh you know he's a legend and all that. I'm putting up for this year. You know that they have the big public vote on the most abused word in the language.

I'm putting legend in this year. That's this year's nomination. I've been calling myself a legend around the house quite a lot. Do you ever call yourself a ledge? I just find it funny to be that guy that thinks he's a legend um speaking of legends yes um we've had an email in about the pope now i know you like a papacy themed correspondence i like the pope i know you do it's my kind of guy it's catholic this is from Jamie Barber.

He says, dear Frank, the gorgeous Emily. I know his sister, Ali. Sorry, you had to say that right over the gorgeous Emily. Sorry, sorry. And the cockerel. I was wondering what your views are of the pictures of His Holiness the Pope wearing a sombrero this week in Mexico. That's from Jamie.

Well, I'm glad that they've called him His Holiness the Pope as a sign of respect there because I thought it was going to be an attack when it was the Pope. Have you seen him in the sombrero? Actually, two sombreros. He wore one sombrero. Two?

Yeah. Not simultaneously. Not simultaneously. He wore like a dark one or a light one, first of all. And then they thought, oh, this is his thing now. He's going to wear a sombrero. He's flashing with his robes. We'll give him a...

What I like is, of course, he always wears the little white skull cap. Yes. He's holding us the Pope. Which is like... It's a sort of a complete brim-free zone. It's the biggest attack on the whole concept of the brim on a hat you could have.

It's saying, no, sombrim. Yeah. Whereas to move from that to the sombrero which is a brim fest it is you couldn't have a bigger change of head do you he's literally buttered his bread both sides there it shows that the pope is um more flexible than people think but did you see i was also quite shocked by fidel castro can i say if they'd handed the pope one of those big drooping mustaches you think he'd put that on himself and a poncho sounds like they were playing a game of pin the tail on the donkey or just see how much stuff they could get on the book pin the mexican

on the paper see i think he's the name of that that guy but frank fidel castro shocked me for his clothes more than any other reason yes because first of all is he still paramilitary still wearing the same shirt for 40 years unbelievable he loves the khaki but it's comfy by no but he wore a tracksuit you wore a reebok tracksuit you don't wear that to me his holiness didn't he wear the khakis no he got a reebok tracksuit oh that's it that's and he said what does a pope do which i thought was disgraceful that's great i really like that what does a Pope do? Which I thought was disgraceful. That's great. I really like that. What does a Pope do? I just imagine it being like the Pope sort of answering,

almost like one of those columns that you see, like, my day. You know, like, in the media bit of the Guardian, my day. Christian O'Connell talking his way through the Pope's... Well, I start by checking my emails after my ablutions. I think he should have just said, well, I shave for a start-off. And I don't dress like the outfit that Action Man comes in. All right? Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, I've got something in my mouth. I'll do it during this bit. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Yes, I've got something in my mouth. I'll do it during this bit. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Emily Dean, Alan Cockrum. Hello. That's some strange animal grazing. A little bit of a cupcake. They were congratulatory cupcakes on the swim. Yeah. I

just found a hard bit in my cupcake. What could that have been? Bit of cop. Mrs. Lovett, meat pie. Best not to think of it. Anyway, yes. What's occurring? We're having cupcakes. Yeah.

Oh, I'll tell you what. I was watching the cricket this week. Oh, yeah. Bit disappointing, I'll be honest with you. England playing... Stuart Broad playing? He was playing in that game, but he wasn't. He's gorgeous.

It's no good pretending he's fit. He isn't. Anyway... I beg to differ. Emily thinks he's fit. Yeah, he's a handsome... I can see he's a handsome man. You know, sometimes with men you can... Oh yeah, some men are dishy. He's one of them.

Some men are dishy. I've still got the bats, Stuart, thank you. Anyway, what were you going to tell us about the cricket? So there was some men at the cricket, some Sri Lankan men, watching the game. Bear in mind it's about 35 degrees over there. And they had, there's about three of them, wearing full- face crash helmets.

All face? Visors up, to be fair. And it really took me back. It was a walk down memory lane for me because I don't know if this is just a regional thing or if it was to do with what went on in the 70s, but

when I was a kid, you would often see blokes just walking about in their crash helmets like you'd be in a shop and there'd be a bloke in there just getting a few things um and he wouldn't take it all and he'd never yeah i suppose it's the easiest way to carry one yeah they just said so you'd see people um just wandering about town in full face crash helmet that's like everyday life for the White Power Ranger, though. Yes, I should say, I did live in 2000 AD. It was called 2000 AD.

Seems odd now that that was seen as a futuristic time. I like the idea. See, I love a crash helmet, as you say, in a sort of Morrison's or something. Someone doing a shot like terminator and in the tins goods it was quite startling though wouldn't it well not what happened all the time in birmingham you'd be in the paper shop and a bloke you'd hear the visor go up i'll have uh 10 And a Yorkie. They were cigarettes, by the way. Ten number six and a fries Turkish. And, yeah. Has that died out?

Did that happen when you were... I think it has died out a bit, but I'll tell you why I think it's died out a bit. I think it's because of CCTV and shops are wary of people coming in in helmets. Are they? Yeah. They make you take your hoodie off.

I say, like, I wear a hoodie. They make one take one's hoodie off. Because, you know, now the helmet indoors is really the attire of the gunman or something, isn't it? Like, it's not really done anymore. The helmet indoors, wasn't that Arthur Daly's catchphrase? Oh, okay. Mind that.

Yes. Oh, OK. Mind that. Yes. Oh, dear. Well, I'd love to know if any of our listeners are aware of this phenomenon. The Indole helmet. I think it's on the wane. I think it's on the wane. I'd be sad to hear that. Also, I found...

What about the stick? He never takes it off. He has to do his shopping. Well, maybe he's from Birmingham. He's a middle-aged man from Birmingham. That's my problem. I probably know him. I didn't know this show ever did the Top Gear references.

What's happened to us? Since Frank's got his new car, we're all different. It's about his. He's talking about diesel this morning. I think you've come in with a bit of Top Gear about you. Oh, not at all. That's what's going on. On the antithesis.

Also, on the motorbike front, what's ever happened to the motorbike and sidecar? Oh, the sidecar's gone. Oh, the sort of Wallace and Gromit thing. A lot of people by us. Not only did a lot of people have motorbikes and sidecars, but they used to cover them in tarpaulin. Yeah, yeah. Also,

completely got tarpaulin. I don't know what that's used for anymore. I miss that as well. This is so nostalgic. This is like one of those 9.15 BBC One programmes with Larry Lamb talking about rationing. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We should say before we go on, actually, that our regular producer... When I say regular, I mean the one who's usually... I'm not trying to put down our chorus producer, he's fantastic. Anyway, Emma is about to have a baby, I think, very, very soon, so we send enormous love from us all i hope our listeners will just indulge me for a personal second what else we've had some texts and emails frank 131 one of my regulars uh helmets are still often seen in germany

love 131 um and there's some other there's another one about helmets, saying most petrol stations have a sign telling motorcyclists to remove their crash helmets before entry. Do they? Yeah, but I'm not on about someone... I'm on about someone who'd spend an afternoon wandering around. When I used to go to... When we had to stand at West Brom on the terrace,

I thought, you know, I think a bloke had watched the whole match in a crash helmet. I think he was just like, they just saw it as a warm hat, like a balaclava. It wasn't a searing indictment on the quality of the attacking. I got hit full in the face last week, I may as well take the course. Maybe those guys at the cricket were thinking, well, you know, this is... Well, last week there was a lot of sixes. Yeah, exactly. Frank, we've also had a lot of correspondence,

read your swim. I know you don't like praise per se. Well, I like praise, but I don't like reading out my day. No, I understand. It just sounds at me. But there's one connected with swimming. Did you see this, Al, from Sue Smith?

Yes. Would you like me to read it? Yes, I would. That's what you're suggesting. I can do that. Well, I think it's more a boy thing, this one. I'll deal with this. OK.

Hello. Don't squabble. This is a properly cringy email, self-aware. Good start. Maybe verging on stalker-like. Well done for overcoming your aquaphobia In such a public way last week I was wondering if your swimming instructor Was single or not

And if so, then do tell him that he's a bit of a dish I've not mistaken your show as a dating show But thought I would give it a go anyway Congratulations again, Sue Smith Hank, that's brilliant You need to set them off Well, he is single Brilliant

So we'll sort out the numbers afterwards No I'll do it, he's single He is single but I would be loathe To go up to him and say by the way you're a bit of a dish Because He's the love that must never speak It's not We should tell Sue

That he's swimming at a different end of the pool Oh I get it. If you'd have heard me and him in the dressing room discussing moisturiser, you'd know what I mean. And doesn't that chlorine... That chlorine almost completely ruins your hair when you're in every day. Now, he's a very, very lovely man, Sue,

but he's not for you. Or Sue. Let's put it this way. He goes to a club called Fire. I think that tells you all you need to know. And I said to him, why, oh, why, oh, why don't they build a pub next door called The Frying Pan?

No. Because people would go there just for that opportunity. Sorry about that, Sue, but you could always enter into a loveless marriage of convenience, which I often consider. Every cloud. It's a cloudier shift, I often consider. Every cloud. Is it Claudia Schiffer called it? No!

Sue Smith is a fabulous sort of Actually, I think Sue Smith is what I did when I lost two horseshoes in the same afternoon. I wasn't having it. It was dangerous. It's a good name, isn't it, Sue Smith? I quite like it. I feel like she should be the receptionist

at Arbuckle Inc. that make rivets in the West Midlands. Yeah, have a word with Sue Smith, she'll sort it out. She's quite travel and weather for Anglia TV. I think she sounds like someone who's very organised in her life. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, Sue Smith's done, like, a list for everyone so we know when we have to be there and when we...

Yeah, I can see that happening. I like Sue Smith. I think we should play some Adverts. You know what it's like. I'm trying to read another swimming thing. Oh, no, but the Adverts... Oh, go on, we'll do one more swimming thing. This is from Eloise Vernon.

After watching Frank marvellously swimming for Sports Relief, my grandad has been inspired. Pampy is 78 and is now learning how to swim. Oh, that's good old Pampy. I'm loving it. That's brilliant. Pampy should have my swimming teacher, then it could be Campy and Pampy. I'm getting so much swimming stuff. People are stopping me in the street.

I am to swim in what Gary Mabbitt was to Diabetic. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some texts in. Good. 937, Paul from Nunhead, actually,

to give him his proper title. Yeah. Says, Frank, those blokes with crash helmets were off work on a sickie. They didn't want to be recognised. Oh, really? I think that's quite a good theory. I think that's a great theory. It's a possibility, yeah. They go into a televised

event, pop a crash helmet on it, stops your boss seeing you and going, that's John from Accounts. It does. I've picked John from Accounts there. Now I hate myself slightly. Didn't he have a bit of a fling with Sue Smith at the Christmas party? It was them.

They were there together with their crash helmets on. It's kind of retro in its own way, though, isn't it? The idea of the sickie. Yeah, he's pulled a sickie. Still exists, doesn't it? To watch the cricket. Yeah, but to go and do something. I don't hear about it that much.

And he's from Nunhead, this fella. I like that. I had a mate who used to leave the house with his briefcase and he had, like, his tennis gear. He used to go and play tennis in a local park with a mate. And all in the briefcase, that's fabulously 70s things, isn't it? Very Reggie Perrin. How did he get his tennis racket in a briefcase?

Was it a Mary Poppins style? That was always in the boot. He never left the boot, the tennis racket, but all his gear. He was a man who liked playing whites. He took it. Good to have a rule. And Frank, you were asking if sidecars had existed, and Claire Frank says we have a guy in the close with a motorbike and sidecar.

Oh, there's a breathless hush in the close tonight. It has a loud stereo in the sidecar. Really? And go faster flames all over the bike and sidecar. Who lives near next door? Is it Nick Cage living next door? I've never even thought of the idea of having a sound system in the sidecar.

What a brilliant idea. Yeah, I think motorcyclists now, like the high-tech ones, they have radios in their helmets and stuff, don't they? So there can be flicking channels. I don't know if you'd get a radio signal through the tarpaulin, but an MP3, that's

great. I tell you, you used to get a lot less arguments in the motorbike and so on. You know when you're driving and you get arguments about because there's no communication at all really with the soca unless it's the summer's day. But don't let Wallace and Gromit fool you, usually it was all closed in with, like, plastic. Oh, yeah.

And they used to seal themselves in, almost like they were in a canoe, didn't they? Yeah. Yeah. It really is a trip down memory lane. I'm going to get one. If I could get one, I mean, when I become a father, I could get one with two sidecars on,

a smaller sidecar on the side of the sidecar. Yeah, that sounds safe, doesn't it? I don't know. I think as long as you stick with an only child, you can still get in a parking bay. Yeah. With that, you start spreading your wings and it gets difficult. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It gets difficult. We've had a great text in, Frank, from Greg from Milton Keynes. Morning, Frank. There is a sidecar meet at the Ace Cafe today. Oh, is it the Ace Cafe? Oh, my God, I'm getting my leathers out. If you want to see old and new ones, 9am till 4pm. Some of them will be there already, presumably. What a coincidence.

They'd have already had a big fry-up at the Ace. You ever been to the Ace Cafe? I've been past it a few times, yeah. There'll be lots of people wandering around just with helmets on. They gave me... Such was their delight at me being there. They gave me a free Castrol sticker. Is that right? Yeah. Have you popped it on your new car?

Maybe I should do. No, I've kept it. I've kept it on that sort of greasy paper that stickers come on sometimes. I've kept it on that. That's a good place for it. Frank, we've also had a missive in from our Australian friends. Oh, yeah. I sound rather like the Queen, don't I? What they've also had a missive in from our Australian friends.

Oh, yeah. I sound rather like the Queen, don't I? What, they've written as a nation? No, it's Carol Anne from Tasmania. She actually, she was the lady, do you remember you got sent a book light? That was from Carol Anne. Oh, well, thank you very much, Carol Anne. That has reduced arguments down to a minimum.

I think we've only had, since I've got the book light, it's one of those lights that clutches the pages, you know what I mean? And then it sort of stoops and gives you a little bit of light on the inside. She's also got some cockerel news. Alan, you may be pleased to know that a wandering rooster from an adjoining property

has been taken in and given shelter in your honour. However, the cockerel has been renamed Shirley as his crow is uncannily similar to the orchestral blast in the song Goldfinger. Best wishes to you all. Oh, that! Oh, that's very tuneful.

Yeah, thanks very much. I watched Clever Dicks the other day with Anne Widdicombe. Anne Widdicombe hosting. You know she hosts a quiz show now on Sky Atlantic. No, because I told you, I can't get that. An alarm goes off if anything

other than BBC Two. But Sky Atlantic, I thought you'd like. It's got some of, you know, it's got some of the classier American dramas. I cried. But it's incredible. I cried. But it's incredible. I've never known a host of any programme who was so shrill. It's like

being a... It's unbearable. I mean, Alex from The One Show can get a bit... But not quite as bad as Anne. I'd said before, there's a theory that somebody thinks Anne is a national treasure. In fact, she's publicly despised.

How did that mix-up happen? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank. Emily. Oh, I love that exchange. You two have had to have a serious chat. bank emily little frisson there with my colleague um did you see the elephant escaping the circus this week i thought this was going to be some weird version of did you see the moffat man did i see the elephant i did i i think uh a great many people have looked up uh escaped elephant in cork was he in cork yes he was confusing me though in an area called blackpool

i got the wrong end of the stick no it was in case you don't know the story um some people from a circus were parading the animals around the town. I didn't think that happened anymore. No. Because I thought people in circuses had to keep the animals secret. I thought it was like, is I going to a rave if it was an animal-based? So there's going to be animals, but don't tell anybody, all right? But they were parading the animals, reminding me of when I went on a celebrity parade in Inverness with Ted Danson.

Really? Oh, was Nicky Clark there? Nicky Clark was there, Koo Stark. You were paraded? We didn't know about it. We went to a premiere and they said that the celebrity parade starts at 11.30. And we were marching the town and there there was loads of people had lined up, and we waved, and they waved back.

Did you not feel slightly cheapened that you were on parade? No, because it was Scotland. I felt a bit like I'd finally taken on the missionary work my parents hoped I might do for the Catholic Church. Anyway. Back to the elephant. So the elephant ran off. It was called Baby.

Oh, was it? Yeah, which confused me because I thought it was a baby elephant. When it said the elephant baby, I thought it was quite big for a baby elephant. And it turned out it's 40 years old. Oh, really? A bit old for the circus. How dare you? Doing those trapeze?

Terribly sorry. Very good trapezeist. It's like country file. So we must never parade, do a radio, absolute radio parade through the town or Emily might run away. Oh, do you know, Frank, I do like a wild animal on the rampage, though. Oh, it you know, Frank, I do like a wild animal on the rampage, though. Oh, it's brilliant. The best story of an escaped animal from a circus I ever...

It was in Dudley and an elephant had escaped. And it said in the local paper, it's escaped using circus skills. What? It went off on a big ball. Like on a big beach ball. It wore a little tutu. It went off on a big jet of water to get it over the fence out of its trunk.

Anyway, this one, this shows, I think, what a slave to authority I've become. As I've got older, I've been oppressed by authority. Because I watched this clip of the elephant running around the car park, and my first thought was, it's going the wrong way. It's going against the arrows. Oh, that's a bugbear of mine, when you come face to face with someone that's driving the wrong way with the arrows. I bet you don't budge an inch, do you?

Oh, I don't move a muscle. No, I knew you wouldn't. When you sit back with your arms, you're an arms folder. Sometimes I'll point at the arrow. I'll give them the old... Do you actually point at the arrow? Yeah,. Sometimes I'll point at the arrow. I'll give them the old, do you actually point at the arrow? Yeah, I'll point at the arrow.

What you should have, you should keep an arrow in your car. Like, I don't mean an arrow that one might fire, but I mean one that looks like that. And I'll hold it up and show them the, oh man, that's,

that'd be worth, that's a little, that's worked out Alan's Christmas present. Yeah, pop it on the list. Yeah. I saw that bit of footage and it's slightly weird because the elephant's in a car park and it's moving back and forwards

and I was thinking maybe he's forgotten his place. You'd think of all creatures elephants would remember. Of course, I have my BMW app, if that ever happens. Have you? Oh, yeah, it tells me where my car is, in case I've lost it. I'm loving this car. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. The elephant. It did make me wonder, on a slightly serious note, if maybe the animals don't like being in the circus. You think? And that's why it ran off. You think perhaps that they don't love it?

Well, I mean, I think the humans love it. The animals. I don't know if they do either. Well, I've never heard of it. You never get, like, an escaped trapeze artist. You know, going from lamppost to lamppost. It's always the animal isn't it two clowns escaped from a uh i'd like a strong man their car exploded 200 yards down

the road they tried to run down the street but their shoes were too big i like it though frank because it reminds me of you speak often of when the dog would get let loose in a playground the children would go into a slight panic when of you speak often of when the dog would get let loose in a playground. The children would go into a slight panic. When I say I speak often of that, not on air. No. Because it's become one of those clichéd things that people say. No. It's the sort of thing that Jamie Thigston might say.

What? Frank! Oh, he's a lovely bloke, but you know what I mean? I mean, you try to always move on from things that people always say. That's all I'm saying. Oh, dear, that's told me. Oh, dear, that's a bit awkward. In fact, I've never mentioned a dog coming in the background.

You have! You have, Frank. I prefer a dog tied outside a shop. Oh, nice. You used to see that a lot. I still see that occasionally. People wore motorbike helmets. I'll tell you what else you don't see so much

is people that have mended their own glasses with plasters. I know. You used to see that all the time. People just go into the opticians now. I think that's what's happened. I'll tell you something, though. If an elephant escaped, wouldn't they be only too glad

for the man in the crash helmet who was walking past? Because the whole idea of elephant keepers right they keep the elephant basically this elephant was running and two blocks was running with it they weren't in any way directing it or doing anything if an elephant goes it goes the keeper theory is probably just didn't have their chair aren't they meant to keep the lions what you mean is a mouse in a small cage oh yes Jerry from Tom and Jerry

doing one of its provocative poses anyway enough of this Not The Weekend podcast is available to download from Wednesday please it'll be us talking about stuff nice change from and that's about it if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. In fact, as Earl Scroggs died this week, maybe I should say we'll all be back next week to this locality to have a heaping helping of our hospitality. Google it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Hospitality. Google it. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.