The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Paparazzi

Episode Date: June 30, 2012

Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Frank getting papped, Emily's trip to Wimbledon and things they would improve.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Morning. Hi, Frank. Those two characters. Those two jokers. Fingers crossed. Yeah, we hope. I used to have one of those stop police action. Is that what they were called?

They used to show... There used to be videos of those stop police action. Is that what they were called? They used to show... There used to be videos called something police action stuff. Oh. Was that the Shaw-Taylor one? No, they started using celebrity voiceovers, but they used to use actual policemen at first. And they used to say things like, a quiet afternoon on Dagenham High Street

until this character arrived. What's this clown up to? Oh, that's great. Rewind forever. Anyway, you don't want to hear about that nonsense. I was actually shocked that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are going to get divorced. Oh, were you?

I was genuinely shocked. I thought they seemed... A lovely couple. Well, yeah. Yeah. I thought it was all signed, sealed and sorted, I know it was all signed sealed and sorted i thought definitely signed and sealed and sorted well we don't know that i am i actually he's free now though and i have to say i've met him frank have you met him how is he lovely really obviously to look at yeah um exquisite it's Absolutely exquisite and very charming as well. Were you more of a personality type of person?

It was a brief encounter. Yeah, were you standing the other side of the metal fence at a premiere? Because he really has set the bar high for how long you're supposed to speak to the crowd. Well, I think that's a tactic. I think he's... Is this his third divorce?'s just he's deliberately working that crowd it's like rolling a ball over a pocket and snookering is that what it is he's just lining up future wives because he doesn't meet many people i doubt it you could be on the next list

yeah wouldn't that be nice let's call it the short list is he really short in real life? You've met him. In real life. In real life, you've met him. I can't comment on Tom. Oh, come on. You can't comment on his height.

I'm in the running now. I've got to be very careful. Because what's weird about the pictures in the paper today is that he seems the same height as various tall women. And I don't know how he's done that. He looks the same height as Nicole Kidman. And Nicole Kidman is about seven feet tall. Oh, she's rangy.

Has he got like a photo version of Nicole Kidman? You know, like the doorway that they use in cowboy films to make the cowboys seem bigger. Prince Charles and Princess Diana app. Yeah. Do you remember their stamp on which they're the same height? Yeah. And she's a foot taller than Prince Charles. Really?

Well, she was, obviously. Our queen of hearts. I still miss her. What about Suri, though, Frank? She's one of taller than Prince Charles. Really? Well, she was, obviously. Our Queen of Hearts, I still miss her. What about Suri, though, Frank? She's one of my favourites. Who's Suri now? Oh, very good. Yeah, I feel so... It's always tough on the kids.

I can't see anything light about that. It's terrible. I tell you something odd, though. Yeah. I find I have a very... And this is quite, I think, a complicated thing. And, indeed, legally sensitive. I have very much the same taste in women as Tom Cruise.

What do you mean? Well, I think Nicole Kidman is one of my favourite celebrity babes of all time. And Katie Holmes. Babes is stretching it with MK. She's got... Oh, no. Have you ever seen her in... I didn't know about this area. What's that film, To Die For?

Yes, I have. I haven't seen that. Knockout. She plays a lunatic. And Katie Holmes in That Woman Is The End Of The World. I don't know what that is. Beautiful. So, what's that say about me, if I have the same taste in women as Tom Cruise?

Yeah, the mind boggles. It does, yeah. The regular listeners will know i also went to see liza manelli live and when not there you're often at the musical theater and emily dean is a very close friend of mine and i cried when mary beth had her baby in cagney and lacey that's the evidence we'll leave it there do um close friends get to call him TC? Oh, Frank. That's excellent. Yeah. Close friends, even close friends

now has taken on it. I think we should move on. Yeah, I think we should. Who are his close friends? John Travolta. They're in the same subgroup. Put some music on. Scientologists. You can text us on 81215. Is that how you're inviting the lawyers to get in touch? No, they can follow us on Twitter.

At Frank on Absolute Music. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in. This is from 712. An unusual question. Hi, Frank. Would you consider a move from Catholicism to Scientology? That's Ian in Leamington Spa.

That's exactly the same move that Nicole Kidman did, actually. Is that right? Yeah, and then she went back. Did she? Immediately afterwards to the Catholic Church. She came back over to your lot? I'm not suggesting that was cynical in any way. No.

But it was a bit like when Beckham went to LA Galaxy and then came back to play for Inter Milan when he thought, watch this. She thought, I'll get back in the proper religion again. Not that I have any... Don't get me wrong, I'm not making any derogatory remarks about the Scientologists. I'm not out of my mind.

No, we've all... You know, my father's house has many mansions. Yeah, and I don't know about you, but I... Not as many as Jimmy Carr's house, can I point out. I love a personality test as well. I love having my personality tested on a daily basis. They offer that, don't they? Yes, they do. Have you ever done it?

No, I haven't. But you go and do it. Are there other people in the street, are there, who say free personality tests? They're quite good-looking people in the street. They're always good-looking, but a little bit odd. Right. I think I've been out with many. I'm surprised they haven't drawn me in.

I'm just glad anyone who follows any religion in this godless society we live in today. This is absolute radio. Awkward. Ladies and gentlemen. You looked at me then as well while saying that. Did I? Yeah, you did. Yeah, sorry about that.

You gave me a penetrating stare while saying godless society. Well, you've made a few remarks I've allowed to let pass, but don't think they haven't hooked on my inner being. Oh, OK, don't worry. We've also had a tweet in, because people can tweet the show, did you know? Tweet away. They can tweet us on, what is it?

At Frank on Absolute. Thanks. This is from Maureen. Maureen on 11101, whoever it's called, from that advert that we play occasionally. I say occasionally. She says, Buzz looks so sweet and you very much hands-on. Great to see. Now, I know

what that's a reference to. Yes, I should say that Buzz is my baby boy and I got papped. He had his first, well, he's had a bit of newspaper coverage, but his first photograph this week. Well, it wasn't just papped. You made it into what I call the column of shame. Yes, I did. On the Daily Mail Online. Daily Mail

Online. I love that. The column of shame. That's what it's called the Daily Mail online? Daily Mail online. I love that. The column of shame. That's what it's called. Is it actually? That's what people call it. I don't think it's actually called that in the paper. No, in my head it is. Oh, I thought it was in the paper.

No, no. I thought it was like the circle of shame in the magazine. Or the walk of shame on a Sunday morning. Oh, I'm very familiar with that. Weakest link is with the walk of shame. But it's one of the little gossip squares. And there was a lovely picture, some lovely captions. I thought I looked a bit grey. Ohakest link is with the Walker show. But it's one of the little gossip squares and there was a lovely picture, some lovely captions.

I thought I looked a bit grey. I thought you looked lovely. Strange captions. Dr. Water, it said repeatedly. Dr. Water, yeah. He's taken to it like a Dr. Water. Yeah.

Oh, lovely. I thought, because I saw it in the paper and thought, oh, Frank's wearing the outfit he had on last week and then thought, oh, it probably was after the show. I have to admit it was the paper and thought, oh, Frank's wearing the outfit he had on last week. And then thought, oh, it probably was after the show.

I have to admit, it was the previous day. Oh, no way. Oh, my God. My showers are intermittent since I've become a father. Yeah, exactly. I'm glad that it was. I was wearing a denim jacket, which I think is, I mean, a 55-year-old man in paper with child and denim jacket.

It's like, it's a midlife crisis. It's a bit Francis Rossi but I was pleased. Can I say though, I looked at that denim jacket and thought, oh that looks a bit youth. And then I noticed there was a pen in the pocket. And the pen was the Sun Life Insurance

pen that Michael Parkinson said she could have free just for enquiring when he advertises death on daytime television. So there was a fabulous mix of the old and the young in one outfit. I was pleased with that. I like that the denim-Gingham combo got pictures of her posterity, because I like that. Not everyone can carry off Gingham.

No. There's me, Judy Garland, and one other Hollywood star I can't name. Yeah, I can't think who it is. Kappa's on the phone yeah my girlfriend it's good that because I'm carrying the baby in the picture

and she's on the phone and it looks like oh god you know his girlfriend's so media she's just it's just business as usual yeah

she was actually phoning the doctor to see if she could come in and see him that morning about her gastroenteritis she'll love me for telling you that morning about her gastroenteritis. She'll love me for telling you that. At least it doesn't make her sound all media.

Oh, adverts and all that stuff. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in. We've had a few, haven't we, on 8-12-15. Over to you, Alan.

I know which one were you going to read, I'm interested. Well, I was going to read the one from 299, who says, what are your thoughts on David Beckham being left out of the Team GB football team? That's James in Beckhamham. Not in Beckhamham. No. Eh? What if he'd been in Beckham being left out of the Team GB football team. That's James and Beckham. Not in Beckham-en. No. Eh? What if he'd been in Beckham-en?

You're on fire. No, I think that's the... Well, you're actually on fire. I think that's the drains. It was a bit shocking, though, wasn't it? I felt a bit sorry for him, but he has sort of become the mascot- type figure, hasn't he? Do you think? Yeah.

But then again, he could have been a mascot that's really good at free kicks, couldn't he? Yeah, he could have been that. I just brought him on to that. I do feel him. I mean, isn't he the England manager, Stuart Pearce, saying, I'm a football man, I'm not swayed by sentimentality? Oh, he's not sentimental, that psycho. I'm a hard man.

That psycho is definitely not sentimental. See, I think a lot of psychos are quite sentimental if you read their biographies. They like to stroke a cat in the ears, don't they? Yeah, you know, like Craig Bellamy, for example, who's replaced Beckham in The Squad. He's a psycho, but he does a lot of charity work. Lots, yeah.

So, you know know the craze also a lot of celebrities weighed in james corden weighed in what did he weigh in at he broke the scales i believe um he said it's disrespectful which i think is a very disney football fan thing it's quite my gaff my rules that yeah. Yeah, it sounds like he might say soccer. Although he did a football show, didn't he, James? He's a mate, isn't he, of Beck's? Yes, that's right. Ronan Keating said... Ronan Keating

got involved. Ronan Keating. Who rattled his Irish cage? Not even British. Who rattled his cage? Good point. Somebody picked him up. Did you see somebody picked him up in the paper this week? Oh, that's a shame, because he's little, isn't he? They physically picked him up and laughed him around in a VIP tent. Really picked him up? Oh, I thought you meant up in the paper this week? Oh, that's a shame, because he's little, isn't he? They physically picked him up and larked him around in a VRV tent. Really picked him up? Oh, I thought you meant corrected him on something. No, no, they

hoisted him. That's cruel. Wow. Because he's very little. What by? What did they hoist him by? I don't know. Like his bifronts or something? I don't know. Was it like a wedgie that just went wrong? They forgot how small he was. It was like, if you got his crotch in the crook of your elbow, and then stood up. I imagine it was like that. But he was outraged. He, if you got his crotch in the crook of your elbow and then stood up.

I imagine it was like that. But he was outraged. He said he'd been disrespected. No, he said... Ronan described him as capable, which I thought... Yeah, which is damning indeed. I've been described as capable before. He's still extremely capable. Was it something like, he's still definitely capable or something like that? just hope he sent that tweet while he was still hoisted in the air yeah

he was up there long enough to think well i might as well yeah does he go to the u2 clothes shop frank i don't know if he's a regular purchaser there i reckon if you go to the u2 slash anton deck clothes shop running small black jackets i don't think don't know. He once waved to me at a party in the park. I arrived late and he was on stage and he waved to me. Is that right? Oh, was that during Rollercoaster? That's one of your favourites. It'd be funny if he'd waved and then looked at his watch

and said, what time do you call this? Yes, it was a bit of that. But in a friendly way, I thought, it doesn't get any better than this. Then I realised I was seated next to Leslie Joseph. So, it was a great day out. I reckon if you got Bono, Tom Cruise and Ronan Keating all together, I could juggle the three of them.

Never mind just lift one of them. I think I could juggle a lot. I'd like to see that. That'd be good, wouldn't it? I'll tell you something, that's a bit of a... They're mates, aren't they, Beckham and Cruise? Yes, they are. They are mates.

Terrible, terrible week. It's not a good week Yes, they are. They are mates. Terrible. Terrible week. Not a good week, you're right. I'll be drowned. I can imagine them sitting at the end of a bar, Tom obviously on a couple of cushions, you know, just shaking their heads. If they went to a gastropub, Tom could go in one of the high chairs.

I'm so relieved you said gastropub. Exactly. My heart was in my mouth. Beckham, I think, could accompany him into any bar with that beard. Oh dear, here we go again. No, he looks like, have you ever seen The Producers, that film? There's that man in it as a producer

of the brew who wears a ball gown. He has a sort of an assistant who has the same beard as David Beckham has now. I like that beard. It's good. I think it's the biggest mistake David Beckham has ever made and I include his marriage. God!

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I'm sorry, I'm just adjusting. I've got a rather deep V and it's troubling me. I've heard that. In my T-shirt this morning. Frank! A rather deep V in your T-shirt? Yeah.

I don't look... There's been a minimal exposure already. Frank, David Beckham, that wasn't the only football disappointment. You know the camcorder blokes, the webcam blokes are going to go crazy looking for Emily's deep V. That's why I've covered myself with a Victorian shawl. I think I have a cape in my bag. Oh, yeah, that's true. I'm struggling.

Anyway, yes. So did you watch the England game? Well, I know you did. Yes. Because I saw a picture of you on Twitter. Yes, I watched it with David Baddiel at his house and I haven't watched a game, an England game on telly with David Baddiel for a while

because we're usually at the tournament. I should have been at this tournament under the auspices of Absolute Radio but I had a small child and decided it was impossible. Oh yeah. But it was... Well you've taken to parenthood like a duck to water, haven't you? I have.

I think I've taken to parenthood like a duck to water, haven't you? I have. There's one example of it. I think I've taken to it more like a duck to the refuse left after an oil tanker goes down. I'm doing my best. I noticed one of the comments on the Daily Mail said... Oh, no, you didn't. Yeah, I had to look, saying, he doesn't know how to hold him, he looks all awkward and nervous.

I thought, I've been doing this four weeks. Give us a chance. And they are quite fragile looking, John. They are. They might as well say, oh, that baby's only been around four weeks. He can't even use his neck muscles properly. He has to have his head supported. I thought his head looked lovely, actually.

His head is lovely. Oh, he's got a lovely head. Can I just say on that, just moving away from the football for a second, the story of me having a baby called Boz was covered in The Tablet, which is a weekly Roman Catholic periodical I subscribe to. And the bloke in there, Christopher House, who wrote about it, took a very different line to the, he's a bit old and it's a stupid name.

And he mentions that Boz's second name, Cody, is named after Buffalo Bill. And he said there's a good Catholic connection, of course, because he said, I'm sure Frank knows, which I didn't, was that one of the popes, I think it was somebody the 13th, Leo the 13th or something, went to see see buffalo bill's wild west show in 1890 and he told the story of him he said he was uh he was preceded by the knights

of columbus and it was such a awe-inspiring spectacle the pope arriving that one squaw fainted and rocky bear of the sioux tribe fell to his knees and made the sign of the cross. Wow. Oh, see, that's how they cover these things. Anyway. Absolutely. So it was lovely around David Baddiel's until I spoilt it. It was the first half. What did you do? Well, I saw the picture because David... Well, it was all happy there. He tweeted a picture

and I commented. I said it looked a bit morning after the night of our civil partnership. It did look a bit like that. It did. But we're very close. Yeah, I gained a lot of football followers, which was interesting. Oh. Yeah. But it all looked like it was going swimmingly. Well, the first half, because Ivor Baddiel was there as well, David's brother.

Oh, yeah. And David's next door neighbour, Jeremy, came round. And it was... Well, that's very sitcom. It was very non-macho football watching. In fact, we spent quite a section of the first half talking about breastfeeding and its attendant problems. And then at halftime, I am not making this up,

we all went upstairs to look at some kittens. I am not making that up. Dave's daughter, Dolly, has got four kittens, so we all went up to look at them. That's nice. They come up and stuff. I was told never to do that. What?

No, no, well, I knew Dave, so that's all right. If there's anyone listening, if anyone you don't know says, come and see some kittens. Yeah. Unless you recognise him from fantasy football. Which case, it's fine. That's all important. By which case, you'll be old enough to look after yourself anyway. Yeah, exactly.

Now, you're suggesting when you say it was all good in the first half that things took a turn for the worse. Well, I've done this to Dave before. Am I going to have to do an arthritic claw? I don't think so. Anyway, what happened was that many years ago, I don't know if I've told this before, but I was on my own at Christmas.

I'd split up with a girlfriend and I was going to stay in and just have Christmas completely alone. And Dave said, oh, no, I'm going to a Jewish Christmas dinner, which I thought was a bit mocking. But anyway, and he said, why don't you come? And I said, well, I don't know any of the people. He said, I'll phone up and clear it up. And they're all very, very old school friends and stuff.

And it was really nice that they had me in, you know, as a sort of yoke at a Jewish gathering. And so I turned up and we played that game. You know when you put names in a hat and then you have to try and communicate what the name is on the paper without saying anything? Oh, yeah, yeah. And I got Gandhi. Right.

And I said, very, very famous Indian statesman, went on a lot of... Oh, see, I would have said international model. Yeah. Well, he was on a similar... I was saying, very famous Indian, went on longer strikes. And he was saying saying sitting bull. I said, no, no, no, Indian as in from the subcontinent of India, and he's played by Ben Kingsley, and no, can't get it.

No. Also known as Bar Poo, but nothing. And in the end, I called him a very abusive name. The first word was thick, and the second word can also be used as a verb. But I don't want to spell it out for you. But honestly, it ruined the day. And then it wasn't quite so bad. But Ivor Baddiel said this thing that people often say

that there's no point in practising penalties because it's a completely different situation on the night, which always really winds me up when people say that. Because it's not true. You might as well say I don't practise anything because it's not the same on the night, which always really winds me up when people say that. Because it's not true. You might as well say I don't practice anything because it's not the same on the night. Cricketers might say, I don't practice batting because it's much more nerve-wracking

when you're out there. Rubbish. Rubbish. And so I said that's a very stupid thing to say. Oh my God. You did not say that. I did say it. He said, well, I wouldn't say it was stupid

it is stupid and um and it it created a slight he didn't there was attention in the air it will create an atmosphere if you call someone stupid i've heard said to me earlier in the night oh i've got a couple of mentions on the radio show and i said yeah they've all been very nice but then i spot the whole thing but i did apologize to him after at show, and I said, yeah, they've all been very nice, but then I sparked the whole thing. But I did apologise to him after, at the car. And I said, I'm sorry I called... I said, I didn't actually call you stupid, I said you'd said a stupid thing. I don't like at the car, like, hi, noon.

You met outside, it's something strange. Men do their apologies in lamplight. At the car? But it was, yeah, I shouldn't, it was out of the top. Men do their apologies in lamplight. That should be a quote with your name under it in one of those books of the differences of men and women. One of the Daily Mail comments described me as a great orator.

Which I enjoyed very much, whoever did that. They usually give that praise to Hitler, don't they? What the Daily Mail do. Yeah, exactly. Dr Water Hitler. He certainly was. You can't take that away from me. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Football, that's what we were talking about. So everything was OK with Ivor Badil in the end? I apologise. Did you have a hug by a lamplight? We didn't hug. One of the things that has annoyed me slightly about the Euros is

the commentators on both channels that I've been watching continually mentioning the age of any player over 30. Every single time. But my favourite moment of the Euros this year was a shot of Andrei Shevchenko when he was on the bench, who's 35 and they never shut up about that. But Shevchenko when he was on the bench who's 35 and they never

shut up about that but you know footballers sit on the bench sort of with their feet planted slightly macho sitting. Oh it's a bit like men on the tube I find. Because Shevchenko's 35 he's obviously forgotten to keep up this macho moment and so there was a shot of him

with his legs crossed like that and he just looked more like Alan Bennett or something than a footballer. I loved that moment. I collapse into that. I do it all the time, which made me feel good about myself. I go that extra step, which isn't really allowed. What? What do you do?

I sort of hook my, the leg I've crossed over, I hook the toe of it around the back of my calf. Oh, you don't. the toe of it around the back of my calf. Oh, right. Oh, you don't. Like a lady in a dress or something. I also very much... I find Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman very attractive.

Yes, I know. You've established this. Yeah. And you would happily go to a gastric... Pub. Yes, with... I'd join a gastric band if I could get the instrument. Speaking of looking good uh when balotelli

scored the other night and he took his shirt off that was a moment and did that pose um my girlfriend actually i think for the first time said blimey it was quite the size she's not a cop yeah she said blimey he looks like like a Greek statue. Yeah, he's... And I thought that wasn't... There was no irony in that. That was just admiration. Very funny celebrations. I don't want people in the house saying, blimey.

Don't you? It's a bit... I know we live in London, but, you know, I try to keep up a barrier. It's a good thing you don't date Martine McCutcheon. Oh, man. She'll source the trouble. She probably sings with... You know the Dopler effect that uh

cockney's dirty don't they it is it's like a and i think it's the doppler effect that there will be some shut up i don't want an apple. I thought a lot of people are saying that the player of the tournament is Perlo. I like My Little Pony. Andy Carroll. He's my favourite. Do you not like Perlo?

He's your type. Oh, do you think? Do you know him? Yes, I know exactly what he is, because they've all tweeted about him. I know him. He's got a mullet. He looks like Alan Rickman in Harry Potter.

Well, I think he's a bit rat-fink, and I don't like that. Oh, it's a pity. Because I thought if you, Emily Dean, went out with him every time you went into a restaurant, they'd play. Oh, actually. Very good.

Yeah. What about Balotelli's hair? Speaking of that old, tired trope, footballers' haircuts. Yeah. Balotelli. What's the deal there? I had a teddy bear. The seam went on the top of its head.

And a little tiny bit of stuffing come out. And it's almost exactly the same haircut. It's a bit Cornish pasty. Yeah. That top lattice effect. But he's a bit of a character. He is a bit of a character, yeah. He's a bit of a character.

He's a bit of a character to be believed. He's very much a character. Oh, yes. I've got an IEM, Frank. I'd like to read out. Have we got time for it? Yeah, we've got. Daisy's nodding her head

like a dog on the back ledge of a family car in the 1980s this is from paul callow the only ones you see now are the churchill yes you do we've got one in the studio and just before we did we when the music was playing, Alan said, oh, no, exactly. It sounded exactly like a sort of negative version of Churchill the Dog. Frank, this is from Paul Callow. I'm hoping he's a relation. You know I'm a big fan of his brother's work. Oh, yes, Simon.

I have an idiotic eureka moment I thought you may like. I was watching University Challenge a while back. We should say these are moments when you realise something after years that you should have realised before yeah like the animals went in two by two to the art for a reason not just because they were friends with benefits which is what i thought or to do with the the width of the gangplank exactly um and i only just realized that the two teams on university challenge sit either side of the presenter and not one on top of the other.

Yeah, I do think they sometimes have a shot where you see that, don't they? They've only just started doing it, I think. It is a deliberate ruse. I think we are meant to believe that. I had an idiotic eureka moment this week. I didn't realise that the hand... You know the hand on the lottery show? Oh, yeah.

It looks like an arthritic hand. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's got a smiley face built into the palm, a smiling face. Oh, fine. Have you ever noticed that? No, I haven't.

Yeah. Do you know, I never have. I'm going to check that out now. So what it looks like is a sort of colourful cartoon character with, like, a slightly twisty head. Oh, so it's a bit like a magic eye picture. You can see two things. Well, I think everyone else must have noticed it,

but you two haven't. No, I find that it isn't. It's just that's his love line. It's worked out that way. Yeah, well, check it out. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. I want to say that twice. I know, darling, you do. By the way, can I point out before we go a second further in this show, that no one in this room had noticed that the lottery hand has got a smiling face on its palm. In fact, the two bent over fingers form

its eyes. No one had noticed that, so I'm not an idiot. I'm a pioneer in this room of anti-ignorance. I bet the cartoonist that did that is punching the air if he's listening to this now I bet he's punching it though with that slightly twisted hand Yes

That's his actual hand and it's always like that And Daisy the producer admitted to doing it twice a week The lottery She does the lottery twice a week Yes that's how desperate she is to get out of here Yes I love it on Do you ever watch Challenge TV?

Not as much as you might think. Well, if you have things like... No, because that's one of my phobias, old quiz shows. Well, the great thing, though, is they'll get something like... There'll be something from the 70s, like Bullseye. Right. And Jim Bowen will say, by the way, if you'd like to be on Bullseye,

phone up on this number or write to us at blah, blah, blah. Yeah, he's very right to us. And they put a caption on the bottom that says, competition no longer opens. So people don't write to be on a show that was on in the 1970s. People thought, that's stupid. Wouldn't it be brilliant if they repeated the lottery show on there? People thinking, yes, I've won £8 million. Oh, that was four years ago.

That's my thought, anyway. We have actually had a text in from the outside world just now. Have we? From 173. By the way, you can text us on 81215. I quite like that text of days. It's very fond of what you're doing while you're listening to the show. Yeah, yeah.

Some people think it's a very traditional radio texting, but because our listeners are quite unusual, they're doing unusual things. They're often on their way to an elephant slaughter or something like that. Let me tell you about Teresa173. So nice to hear you live in the UK after a year of podcasts in Australia. Name is Teresa, but would love to be number 173, so nice to hear you live in the UK after a year of podcasts in Australia.

Name is Teresa, but would love to be number 173. She knows that we call people 173. In a prisoner form. Yeah, well, of course, she'd have gone into prisoner mode. I was going to say, her relatives would know all about that. Wow, I can't believe we've done an Australian prisoner here. What next, man? United fans don't live in Manchester. Can I just say as well,

I like to think there was collective responsibility there. Every one of us was guilty. It was a chain game. I had no part of it. Although she might not be from Australia. It's in print and you can believe anything. I've had a problem this week with my gullibility. Was that a link?

That was a link, wasn't it? I've had a problem with gullibility. I've got a gullible problem. I was having an email conversation with a friend who said that they were working in London the next day. Yeah. And he put, I'm really excited, I've never stayed in a hotel before. And I took it at face value and replied,

really, you've never stayed in a hotel? And of course, he has stayed in hotels. It depends on the friend. I've got friends who've never stayed in hotels. I was going to say. Well, they've stayed in DSS-friendly hotels. But I say friends. The Central Reservation counters the hotel.

An open-air hotel. A hotel Central Reservation on many occasions. Well, this makes me feel a bit better, because I thought it was one of those things that is kind of believable that somebody could get to adulthood and not have stayed in a hotel. But then I thought, oh, I've sort of been... Not massively in my world, but... No, that would not be believable.

Unless they just hired a villa nearby and thought the hotel was beneath them. I wonder if it was because it wasn't a face-to-face conversation, so, like, sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek remark, it doesn't work as well in email and text form, does it? When you can't see them. Yeah, you can't see the tongue-in-cheek. Yeah, but you're not looking into their eyes to test them out.

It's more difficult. Look, I do believe there is a company that will literally buy any car. Whereas if I was at the live recording of that advert, I might think, oh, I need to look utterly sincere about this. Yeah. But, you know, I've been fooled before, let's face it. She's Australian, Scottish parents. That wasn't her. I'm not suggesting it was her.

I was thinking, your money will be perfectly safe with AIG. Oh, Frank. Oh, dear. Yeah, I've fallen for a few things. Have you? If the listeners are waiting for me to say PayPal infallibility, wait on.

No way. Jose. That's what I say. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, Alan, you were talking about you're a little bit gullible, then, you were saying.

Oh, not even just a little bit. I've just remembered another one. When my wife and I were walking along the street about six years ago or something, there was a bloke wearing a T-shirt and with tattoos, and I said, it's a bit cold to just have a T-shirt on. She went, oh, tattoos keep you warm. And you believed that? I believed it for about three months. And then she went, you know,

I was only joking about the tattoos keeping you warm. I believed it, genuinely. You don't seem like a naive... Am I an idiot savant or something? What does that mean? Hang on, that's a clever question. No, you're just idiot. He must have heard the song Naïve from the Half Eyeline.

A naïve is someone who is naïve. Oh, I know that, but I said idiot savant, but I was just an idiot. Idiot savant is someone who is a mixture of being completely inadequate in life and having strange flashes of genius. You're a bit of a Pete to the Wild if you're an idiot, Savan.

Remember the Rain Man when they dropped the matches and he knows how many exactly that falls on the floor. Daisy the producer once told me that she told her boyfriend that there are no speed restrictions in France and he believed that. That's an amazing foul sound.

Quite a lot of the French seem to believe that. They've been driven on their motorways. There's no drink vowel sound. Quite a lot of the French seem to believe that. They've been driven on their motorways. There's no drink drive restrictions, are there? No. The cockcrow's laughing at the word pronounced France. That's amazing. En France, it's alright. I used to like Jimmy Hong's

Sous la Continental. Is he still alive, Jimmy Hong? I don't know. I shouldn't imagine so. OK, well, let's... Let's be honest. OK, let's imagine. What are the chances?

Let's imagine he's done it. Someone will text and let us know, won't they? They won't know who he is, will they? I don't know. Average age of this show, is it 38? 38, black clothes. Anyway, if there's anything I'd like to... What about if our listeners have been fooled by anything?

Gollibility. They could let us know, because we never asked for any text messages this morning. I feel we're neglecting them. What have you believed? I believe once a man on holiday... Oh, I'll do it. Just think this through before you actually say it.

No, I know this doesn't happen to everyone, but this man, he was very good looking anyway he told me he was giorgio armani's son and i believed him and i'm not gonna lie that's partly why i found him attractive yeah and then i found out it was a complete lie and an italian man said oh you don't believe that they tell that every tourist giorgio armani must have a thousand sons apparently it's a very common lie. Really? Yes. It's also a good lie. And who knew everyone else was as shallow as me?

I tried a similar lie. It didn't work at all for me. What did you say? Mind you, I did say I was Jean-Paul Gaultier. I think there was a basic flaw in that. Yeah, pelvic floor as well, I should think. Like an ox. So, I don't know what that means, but I like the mysterious sound of it.

Frank, are you ready to hear about my Wimbledon jaunt? Oh, yeah, of course. You actually went? I did actually go. I quite like the tennis, but I've never had the full-on live experience. No, I've been there. I've been there. Have you? moment it's a lovely day out there isn't it no oh did you enjoy it no i didn't and i'll tell you why uh it's too much walking no one told me they'd be walking we won some of the outer courts no how dare you no I thought they'd be a golf buggy or some form of transport

to get you between each court. I like the way all the ball boys. Isn't it great the way Wimbledon, though, there's the core centre court, big flash, and then it deteriorates as it goes. It's like a wedding invitation.

The people are at the reception and then the people at the outer... With listening to speakers. You see some of those games and you think, that's just a park tennis, you know, it's got the people who are at the reception and then the people at the outer... With listening to speakers. You see some of those games and you think, that's just a park tennis court, isn't it? With like four people watching through the wire netting. Yeah. And it takes so long to get anywhere. I ran into Giles Corrin there and he said, after all this, he said, Bjorn Borg, where to be playing JFK?

After the amount of walking we've had. I ended up seeing roger federer though oh he was good you just yeah lucky to catch him and i wanted to call him federer yeah federer federer yeah federer and i and i saw the um you know the argentinian who had the cob on he kicked the advertising well i didn't i wasn't watching that. Oh, it's not. He kicked an advertising order. Yes, at Queen's a couple of weeks ago. Oh, OK. Oh, right. No, I didn't.

I'm not really a tennis enthusiast, I'll be honest with you. Well, I went to see... You know what? I didn't know you had to be so quiet as well, Frank. And I was quite drunk. I'm not going to lie. Oh, were you? Pim's number one.

No, champagne. A bit of bubbly. Champagne. And I got quite raucous. I was a bit like Del Boy at the opera, I'm afraid. Tennis hooligans. Or the Simpsons, I think. They were quite good, I remember. Did you get shushed?

A little bit. There were too many men in blazers, and you know what I decided? Were you shouting, come on, Tim? You know, someone shouted six years ago, this is what you shout. Come on, Tim! No, I said, go on, Wayne, my son.

I believe that's what you shout at sporting events. Someone told me. Terrible for all of you. I had an interview. Well, I'll tell you later. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, would you like to discuss my day at Wimbledon more? Would you like to hear...

You have a choice. Oh. The listeners have been texting in about their gullibility. Oh, and they have. What would you rather? Oh, they have. Well, I don't... I mean, maybe we should put... I do want to hear more about Wimbledon, but let's bookmark that

and hear what the listeners have got to say. We'll put it on ice. Yeah? Yeah, park that, and we'll come back to it later. Park that, somebody said to me the other day in a conversation. Let's park that for now. I hope I meet them. It was a management person, unsurprisingly.

Corporates? 801? They had just given him a car. Tax free. Do you know there's a pothole appeared in the road at the side of my flat, so I've driven over it twice this week, and every time I've said thank you Jimmy Carr to myself. Carry on.

Yes. 887 says, I told my wife Robin Reliance were invented during World War II because of a rubber shortage. She then told her family. What a good idea. That is a good idea. Great idea.

That is why one of the great Roman Catholic dogmas came to end up, the robber shortage of the 19th century. Oh really? What's the dogma? Work it out. Idiotic Eureka woman. I do love the question, what's the dogma?

That should be a new panel show which you should be hosting, Frank, called What's the Dogma? I think we should do that this week. It's the immaculate conception. After misunderstood. I have bad eyesight and one morning whilst waiting at the front of a large queue for the coach to work my husband said

here's the bus. I stick my arm out and try to stop a tractor. Mischievous husband. Yeah. So short sighted. no judgement of speed. Yeah. I believed until the age of 17, that's not me,

that my dad was telling the truth when he told me that he and his siblings slept in a chest of drawers. That's 546. That's a lovely idea, though, and as one of them gets married off, you move up a drawer. Yeah. I can imagine our Keith maybe crashing out on the chest of drawers a few times.

I'd love to take our Keith. See that's one of the reasons I'd like to have been a major tennis player is to put our Keith in the families and friends one. Just to lock up finishing off his eighth pint of mild and trying to get off with Andy Murray's mum. That'd be brilliant

uh because they they waste the opportunity they just put like models and that in the in those boxes very dainty and civilized i spent when roger was on court i spent most of the time looking at that box and i just thought i wish i was in there honestly it looks so glamorous his wife's attractive isn't she she's nice. Oh, yeah, she's lovely, yeah. I saw a montage of him playing the other day and I forgot that he had a ponytail. He's one of those people that you forget had a ponytail. Did you? I forgot that. Roger Federer, you forget he had a ponytail.

There's a few like that. When did he... Who else had a ponytail that I've forgotten about? Text in on 8-12-15. Peter Ebden. Peter Ebden. Peter Ebden, snooker bald now, but you forget he had a ponytail. Yeah, and he deserved what he got.

I went hair down at Wimbledon. I got my clothes a bit wrong though, Frank. I got the dress code a little bit wrong. You didn't wear those red leather chaps that Christina Aguilera wore in the Dirty video. And just those tiny red panties that she wore. Because I went like that one year.

They wouldn't let me in Centre Court. Apparently I clashed with Cliff Richard, who's wearing exactly the same outfit. Sue Barker's worn that before too. Oh well, let's see. No, a little bit overdressed. And I always get it spot on, I'm proud of that. I never get dress codes wrong. You certainly do. Apparently,

five inch Louboutin heels, not practical. No. Really? And not appropriate. Court shoes, that's what you want for the tennis. That makes sense, court shoes. Of course. I should have gone for a sneaker, much more casual. A low-key sundress. Oh no, I can't see you in a sneaker. No, it was all, it was wrong. I got the dress code very wrong. Oh God, much more casual. A low-key sundress. Oh, no, I can't see you in a sneaker.

No, it was wrong. I got the dress code very wrong. Oh, God, that's terrible. There's all the things. I don't expect you to get wrong anywhere. I should have gone blazer. Stuck to blazer. Grilla costume.

They'd be more circumspect with the bananas, wouldn't they? The tennis players would be very coy. Yeah. Stick a grilla costume on. They'll be looking sideways. Hot, though. Hot. I don't know if you've...

I told you, didn't I, when I went to a football match with Tony the Tiger? And he said to me, I'm going to have to lie down. He said, I've got to eat stroke last week as the Pink Panther. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, did you see the reunion this week?

I'm actually going to call it THE reunion because there was only one, really. Capital T, capital R. Yes. The reunion. Yeah, that reunion. It was the Spice Girls. Oh, yes.

And they'd got together to launch this new musical. It's called Viva Forever, which I thought sounded a little bit sort of like it might be, I don't know lady section of a chemist i wasn't sure about that that title um but they victoria got quite a hard time i once saw a very attractive young woman in a in a um sushi restaurant called funky sushi in bournemouth and lovely view of a disused crazy golf park from the roof terrace. Lovely.

Which I remember thinking reminded me of my career. It was a sort of clown face covered in moss. Anyway, she was wearing a T-shirt, and she was an attractive girl, but she had a T-shirt that said, Forever Beautiful. And I thought, incorrect. Oh, dear. I didn't tell her no carry on please you took to that anecdote like a duck to water i did um well victoria got a bit of a hard time people said she pouted and wore black but but she's in fashion. That's kind of what we do. No, but... She looked awesome. She looked the best.

No, she didn't. She did. She did. See why the Spice Girls are here, but why is Edward Scissorhands involved? Oh, sorry, Grandma Barbie, Geri Halliwell. Oh, steady. Geri Halliwell is without doubt the most attractive of the Spice Girls. Oh, for goodness sake.

Without doubt. Really? And the Spice Girls. Oh, for goodness sake. Without doubt. Really? Like Charlie Drake in lace. She's like a fabulous sexual pendulum, really, because she was a little bit chubby in her early days and the pendulum swung way over to Yoga Jerry, who was too thin and pinch-faced. And she started eating the chocolate cake.

Yes, she looked, yes, less yoga and more Yoda is what she looked like. But now she's found the perfect equilibrium between those two and I think she looks amazing. Has the sexual pendulum stopped swinging? I think it probably has now.

I don't know if I like the phrase. Mine certainly has. I like VB. He's a Gerard fan. Where do you stand on this? I like the phrase. Mine certainly has. I like VB. He's a Jerry fan. Where do you stand on this? I like the article that described Victoria. I don't believe that's one of them. You have to choose one. Oh, no. Who's your favourite spy?

In 2012, we're asking who's your favourite spy. We have just played Scooby Snatch, right? In terms of physical attractiveness, probably Baby, I think. Oh, come on. Come on. She's good looking what are you out of your mind good looking in a sort of getting on cabin crew way oh that's a bit harsh no but i like her she's got it well that's it i like her maybe that's it maybe i need to like someone

to find them attractive is that a crime in this studio i know but come but... Come on, guys. I like a face that if you look at one end of it, from one end, you can see the other end. I imagine her face appearing over the duvet in the morning would be like the sun rising over the Andes. I thought Mel C looked nice. They're all lovely in their own way. That was great. It was something for everybody, the Spice Girls.

You're right, Frank. Whatever kind of girl. You see, we've all picked... I remember when Alan Shearer was asked this question in a questionnaire when it was topical. And he said, I'm not prepared to comment on that. I've got a lovely wife and family. Did he really?

Media training. I should have answered. Yeah, exactly. In the article, it describes Victoria as looking like a really sad ninja. I thought she looked beautiful. But you never think of ninjas as being happy or sad, do you? You just think of them as ninjas.

I think of them as businesslike. Yeah, exactly. They're efficient. She just looked out of place. I'm not saying she didn't look... Yeah, she looked awesome, that's why. She did. You love her, you. Did she go for the meal or did she reject the meal? They said in one paper that she hadn't gone for the meal.

I thought it was Mel C. I think it was Mel C. Oh, really? I suspect it might have been Gerry. Can I say Gerry's the only one, I've said this before, but she bought me pants when she was a guest on my show. Is it the only reason he likes her?

White Cow's a client. There are a million reasons to like Gerry, but who could look better in Oggs? Maybe Ronnie Wood? It's a touch and go. No, she bought me... You know that I was on about the fact that my pants... I've got the elastic going in seven.

They've all gone at the same time. There must be a very, very tight timescale on Calvin Klein pants. That they all go more or less at the same age. About 20 years old, it seems to be. Do you think it's like the computer manufacturers go for built-in obsolescence? It is built-in obsolescence. So I actually put two pairs in the bin today because I walked around with them basically around my thighs.

And, you know, I'm always very anti-freebies on this show, but if anyone wants to send me any free pants that I can wear, because I can't bring myself to go into a shop and buy pants, because I think it'll be on Twitter. That's going to be a nice job for us sorting through those. Well, I meant pants that haven't been worn. I don't mean, like, you know, Tom Jones, frilly knicker-type pants. No.

I don't mean Tom Jones wears those. I mean, he gets them thrown at him. Anyway, I'm calling out for pants. Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've had a few texts From the outside world Spot on Frank, Gerry is by far the most sensual

She is Will417 I love the sleaziness of that I just love when we're doing the My favourite Spice Girls thing so after the fact. We've had a ponytail question mark. The great man himself, David Seaman. Now that's exactly my point. Nobody's forgotten that

David Seaman had a ponytail. Everybody knows that. It's a nice stitch back to Nighty from the Half White Life. Absolutely. I have to say, by the way, of the Spice Girls, I don't think any of them are as attractive as the Cheeky Girls. What? I think the Cheeky Girls are extremely underestimated as physical beings.

Well, a bit epic, they're not. Even he now probably looks back with a certain amount of chagrin. But I do, I think they're proper lovely. What is it you like about them, Frank? Their cheekiness. I had a bit of an incident, actually. A cheeky girls-based incident this week. Maybe after the news.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215 and you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. You left us hanging on something of a string there earlier. Yeah, I'll check this out with you.

I did a voiceover for a documentary about Fairport Convention this week. Oh, me too. Yeah. And me. What are the chances? And none of us knew that the lottery logo was a smiling face. There you go. So go on.

So I went to the studios, and I noticed as I walked up the floors to the top floor where the voice studio was, it's the home of the African Channel, which I've never heard of before. So when I got in, I said... You're a little bit nervous. No, no, it's fine. I feel the tension in the air as well. The station controller has come in.

It's OK. We'll test it. So when I got in, I said, you know, test it. So, we... Oh, when I got in, I said, you know, I've never heard of the African Channel, and I surf the channels on a regular basis, and the bloke said, oh, yeah, and he pressed the thing, and their logo came up,

and it had these two very beautiful African women looking identical, standing next to each other, and I said, oh, man, are they like the African cheeky girls? I said, sort of, you know, touch my drum. And it all went silent. And I thought, surely... Yeah, yeah, it will do.

It will do. Touch my drum is a perfectly acceptable pun, isn't it? What was the song that it's put on? Is it... Is it an idiotic Eureka moment? Is it? Touch my bum. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, that's two I've done on air today. I'm alive on air. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, that's two I've done on air today. I'm really stupid. What did you think it was a pun on? I just couldn't remember. What else could you touch? What else could you touch that Ryan would drop? Oh.

Yeah, anyway. It turned out it was actually the same African woman twice. It was a bit of trick photography. It was a bit of an idiotic heroic moment on my own. I'd like to get off the subject, actually. Of the cheekies. Yeah. Who's all of it?

No, they did that thing which is, I think, the grimest showbiz phenomenon. The personal appearance. Oh, yeah. When you're paid simply to appear. Oh, they like a cheque, those two. Do they? I mean, for a personal appearance oh yeah when you're paid simply to appear oh they like a check those two do they i mean i mean for personal appearance frank i don't blame them they're gonna you know they're quite expensive that was very very tight hot pants and those heels with the perspex in them um yes they used to wear those heels see-through with live goldfish in them.

Did they? Yeah, like big block heels. Don't, because I'll believe this. I'm very gullible. That is a fib, isn't it? Yeah, that was a fib. Oh, OK. I was just starting to think,

what if they went up steps? Surely that would make the goldfish feel a bit disoriented. They're hardy creatures. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they travel around in those small plastic bags on string all the time. They do, yeah, yeah.

Didn't you have a goldfish for ages? Didn't I once say that my goldfish lived for a long time, but you've got a really... Is it you? No, it's not me. Somebody I know had a goldfish that lived for 25 years or so. Yeah, well, it wasn't me, all right? I like that you thought it might have been Frank. I had the very opposite experience.

A woman moved in with me some years ago, and she brought her aquarium with lots of little tropical fish in. And for a bit of a lark, I was on Camden Market, and I saw some plastic tropical fish. And I thought, I'll get off with these, put them in, and, you know, that'll confuse her. And I did that, and the next morning morning every fish was dead oh frank i never explained it and she she tearfully scooped them out and i could see the plastic ones amidst the corpses and they were never identified

and they were given the game away actually she might listen to this well not now i just realized i've just said it on air. Oh, God. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I wanted to ask you if you've resisted temptation this week. I've been very proud of myself. I nearly bought more trainers this week, and I do not need trainers. I've got a lot more trainers this week, and I do not need trainers.

I've got a lot of pairs of trainers, and I really like buying trainers. You know that, do you? I've seen a few pairs on you. Have you? I'm quite the footwear peacock, I like to think. Are you known as that locally? Yeah. I think that's what they're saying.

Yeah. That's what you've got written across your van. I only ever hear it from a distance, but I'm pretty sure that's what they're saying. Known footwear peacock. Yeah. That's what you've got written across your van. I only ever hear it from the distance, but I'm pretty sure that's what they're saying. Known footwear peacock. Yeah. But I was about to buy myself some and I thought, no, you don't need these, Alan, just stop yourself. But I do like buying, it's a nice feeling, getting new trainers. And I thought, but then they'll just be in a cupboard with loads of other trainers or wardrobe.

Which ones were they? There were some Adidas Originals. That's my... If I wear shoes, it's usually Clarks ones were they? There were some Adidas Originals. That's my... If I wear shoes, it's usually Clarks Originals, but I'm an Adidas Originals person. You're not overlapping my pants appeal. UK 10, if they're interested. Let's not know.

No, no, no. Let's not cloud the issue. The UK 10, you say? Yeah. Lovely. I think that's the same size as my pants. Old Slender hips. Oh, exactly.

Snakey hip tie. He is lovely in snakey hips. I've still got the scales. Yeah. That was one of the things that first attracted Cass to him. The fact that he had snakey hips and the fact that he was immaculate. Yeah, he's very clean. Always very clean.

Absolutely spotless, I believe, is what she said. I'm not buying clothes at the moment. I'm waiting. I'm at one of those stages that people get to. I'm waiting until this belly goes before I buy any clothes. Oh, are you? I'm not going to buy any more. Why don't you buy an incentiviser outfit?

I do that sometimes. Yeah, target jeans. Yeah. Right, yeah. No, don't go to that store. Yeah, I'm thinking that. Yeah, spend a bit more on that. The thing is, I've been waiting three years now to get to a point where I think I'm slim enough to go out and buy some new clothes.

Can I ask something? Anything. No, I mean anything. Where is the area of concern? Is it just above the waistband? Well, I managed to pull it up so it's just above the waistband and it sits there like humpty dumpty on a wall. But it's just generally, you know, my little plum figure. You've got a lovely figure.

No, no, as I've said before, I look like one of those snakes swallowed a goat. I think you've got a lovely figure. Well, thank you, I think you've got a lovely figure too. God, it's all getting a bit steamy. Hey, guys. I'll tell you what I think you've got a lovely figure, too. God, it's all getting a bit steamy. Hey, guys. I'll tell you what, I have got plenty of suits. Because as I've said to you before, every time I do a presenter TV show, they give me a suit. Nice.

I mean, I could say, it's all right, I've got suits, I'll bring my own. Oh, no way, Jose. I've got so many suits now, I've started using them as pyjamas. I sometimes sleep in an Oswald Boateng. Well, to be fair, that is going back to the 80s. It is when they basically doubled as pyjamas most of the time. Yeah, so I'm all right for that. But things that I've got plenty of that I don't need any more of.

Boiled sweets I'm overdoing. Oh, really? Well this morning we've got a lot of free lollies in the studio Yeah And they're very handy for radio I've discovered Because you can be halfway through a lolly It's your turn to speak and of course it's on a stick Yeah

So you can take it out, do your link and then put the lolly back in But when I did a voiceover for a documentary about Fairport Convention this week Oh yeah I got to the studio and they had a bowl of boiled sweets on the counter. And I thought, I'm having some of them. It was toffees, toffees. Nice. Did you take a handful then?

I took a good handful. Oh, like an arcade claw. Your hand went in like a claw. Pop them in your suit pocket. They were a good band. Arcade claw. And there's an attractive young woman behind the counter, as there always is in these edit suites,

and I said, I'm sorry, I said, you get out of a 50 and you don't look at the attractive woman, you just look at the bile suites. And I thought I saw a shimmer of pain go across. So that was just before Touch My Drum. So I was on a roll. Frank. Frank Skinner on a roll. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I did ask trainers that I was talking about a minute ago. UK 10. Alan Cochran, UK 10. If they come, I'm burning them. Well, they got themselves in a little bit of hot water last week with some... My pants got themselves in a bit of hot water last week.

Thank God it was about time. Yeah, now they're in the bin where they belong. Well, so are these. The Adidas people came up with a trainer that had slave-style shackles. I saw those. There was a brouhaha. There was a brouhaha. There was. There was people saying they looked like slaves.

Coughs. I didn't see them as... What happens is that there's like a chain that comes off the trainer and then there's a shackle that goes around your ankle above the trainer. Yeah. Bright orange in colour.

It's no different from the average high street bank pen situation. I thought they looked a bit Lindsay Lohan. There's nothing wrong with that. It's no different from the average high street bank pen situation. I thought they looked a bit Lindsay Lohan. There's nothing wrong with that. That's perfect. Yeah. I didn't see them as African slave shackles. You know, we in the S&M community Oh my

God! I find that quite offensive. Oh my God! I'd wear them. I mean, you know, you wear them that would be great with one of your many free suits and it has booties with

under or over it would be that decision wouldn't it imagine if he teams it with the cloak what would be nice is if you wore them under when I sat and did my leg cross thing, that would just show a bit of shackle. Just a little slither of shackle.

Oh, God. That'd be brilliant. The cloak rustling around the chains. Oh, yeah. Maybe I could have the whole thing chained onto me. Yeah. Like the old weight weighing machines outside the chemists. Yeah.

All chained up. I mean, I wouldn't wear them because I'd be worried that, you know, when you're sitting and paying attention to something else, that a prankster could... You know that trick where people tie your shoelaces together? Oh, yeah. If you've got shackles and they quickly undo them and then clip them together,

you could really have a nasty fall, couldn't you? You know what I mean? You're looking very confused at this idea. Yeah, I think you could... I once, for a joke, tied Tom Cruise's shoelaces together. Oh, God. He walked three and a half miles before he'd noticed. So, um...

We in the S&M community. You actually said that. As we're on to the subject of slave shackles, can I tell you about another thing I'm slightly unsure about? Is that when I carry my baby Boz up and down, to try and get him, if he cries, I walk up and down singing.

Oh, that's nice, Frank. Yeah, it is. It's lovely. But what he particularly likes, an old-fashioned spiritual. And I'm worried about doing the voice. Oh, I see what you're saying. I mean, there's no one else around, but, you know, Old Man Ribber,

dead Old Man Ribber. It's borderline. Yeah. Can I say, as I've moved into my 50s, Old Man Ribber is actually my condom of choice. That's the most extraordinary link you've ever done. I'm sorry, I've gone down the neat. I knew the three-hour show would push me out of the edge.

I warned you, people. Sleep-sleeping controller is downstairs. What? From Thomas the Tank Engine? Has he lost a bit of weight? It's good to see that parenthood has quickly changed all your reference points rapidly. Exactly. I think it's the vibrations in the diaphragm that he likes. That's the great thing about spiritual.

Maybe we'll play some music. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've had a couple of people texting suggesting Andre Agassi also used to have a ponytail and went the way of Peter Eddon. That is true. He's one of the ones that you... Did Ronnie O'Sullivan have a ponytail? He's a very, very nice man, though, Andre Agassi.

Is he? Very, very nice man. Yeah, I like him. Very good autobiography. No, he's a very, very nice man. He's a very, very nice man. Yeah, I like him. Very good autobiographer. No, he's a very, very nice man. He's a very, very nice man. Oh, well. OK.

What on earth is going on? It was an AA joke. Oh, OK. AA. AA. Yeah. OK. Frank, there's a little bit of Edward Lear news hot off the press.

That's good. I know what this is. Did you read about this? It was a book that was sold, wasn't it? Yes. Edward Lear's poetry. Edward Lear wrote Nonsense Verse. Yes.

Right. Owned by Ronnie Barker. But it turned out, it was sold at auction for some phenomenal amount, but it turned out that Ronnie Barker had wrote his own improvements on the lyrics i love that he'd taken every sort of poem and improved them made them funny just written on the book in ink excellent yeah i think that's a fabulous thing to do it's quite a you thing to do actually well i i'm always looking to don't you watch things on the telly and think that that would be much better if... What sort of thing?

I mean, like the X Factor. Wouldn't it be better if everyone who does it... Because what I don't like is you can lose the X Factor, you can be fourth and do better than the winner. And the whole centre competition becomes ridiculous. It takes all the excitement out of you. It's the Gareth Gates syndrome, yeah. Yeah, so jls never won

but they did really well etc etc i think if everyone who set the winner at the end of the competition should be in their contract they have to have their vocal cords removed so then the winner is the winner they won't take it on i want some it's like little things like the royal wedding i've always said this if kate had driven the sports car it would have been better It won't take it on. I want some... It's like little things, like the Royal Wedding. I've always said this. If Kate had driven the sports car instead of Will's, that would have been like a real modern thing to do,

that the woman drove the car. And if Will's had just had a teeny little syrup on his head, just a small syrup... Well, if she'd have been driving, he could have held a lacy parasol. None of us would have known. To cover the ball patch. Yeah. As you pointed out, Frank,

what percentage did it take off the day? I think I said it's about, I think, was it 5%? I think 5%, about at least 5%. Didn't really. Yeah, I enjoyed the wedding, but it was a thorn in my shoe. Oh.

Here's an impression. I saw Paul McCartney live, right? I've seen him twice. Congratulations. And he's brilliant. He's brilliant live. Brilliant. I would recommend anyone who thinks of Paul McCartney.

You see him live and he's amazing. But if I was the producer of his show, I'd say, look, the one thing, the skeleton in your cupboard, Paul, that people always bring up when they're trying to slag you off is the front chorus. Why don't you do a version of the front chorus that's really sort of dark and rocky and really charming?

People would laugh at first and think, actually, this is brilliant. Now, as I arrive today, Ronnie Wood's guitar is still in the... How marvellous. Well, I think it is Ronnie Wood's because it's slightly goth. It is. In appearance. And it is Ronnie Woods because it's slightly goth. It is. In appearance. And it was in an og case.

With a packet of Rothmans sticking out. I once had a dinner with... Can I just say, Frank is... You playing the guitar, I'm finding it rather alluring. I haven't worked out the tuning, so this might...

I didn't know you were so good. But if I was... Well, basically, I'm just holding... Anyway, so I don't worked out the tuning. I didn't know you were so good. But if I was... Basically, I'm just holding... Anyway, so I don't know what the tuning is on this. It's an obscure Ronnie Wood Blues tuning. But if it would be something like this. Win or lose, sink or swim One thing is certain, we'll never give in

Side by side, hand in hand, we all stand together. Play the game, fight the fight. But what's the point on a beautiful night? Arm in arm and hand in hand And we all stand together I think it would bring the house down. I might clap that. I loved it so much. You did a laugh slightly like a seal at one point there.

Ironically, during the frog chorus. Yeah, exactly. All the Marines were out. And the obvious thing, I think we probably all think when we've watched Euro 12, the obvious improvement would be to the footballers, don't sing along with the national anthem. No. Dance.

Oh, that would be great. Just do it. I mean, let yourself go. Imagine a little slow sort of samba to the God Save the Queen thing. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I woke up under a blue light this morning. Oh, 1987. Not for the first time. No, I've rented the TARDIS.

Oh. No, no, I've had quite a bit of mosquito trouble this week. Oh, thanks. And I've got a sort of sonic plug type thing that you put in your socket. Do they work, though? I've no idea. But they generate a blue light. It was like being old George Dixon.

Dixon and Doc Green. Oh, yeah. You know, evening all. Remember they used to start that? There was one when he said, you know, there's nothing worse than a bent copper. When you say remember... I beg to differ.

Well, he had a lot of trouble with vending machines. George Dixon. Sorry. What were you going to say, Alan? I was going to say, when you say remember, it is Dixon of Dock, and I'm only 37. Yeah. I think it's... I'm not even sure if it is...

Do you know what? I know quite a bit about Alexander the Great. Yeah, but you said remember. That would have been learned, wouldn't it? You don't remember Alexander the Great, do you? Well, it's funny you should say that. I remember a TV show called Alexander the Great about a young Jewish boy whose sister was played by Adrienne Poster, a girl I had a big crush on when I was a young child. Moving on. Moving on.

So, meanwhile, over at your gaff, your rules. So I wake up under the blue light. With the mosquito. You can get an orange light one as well, but I thought I would be sleeping on the display counter of an eat-all-you-can restaurant. Oh, yeah. Oh, don't get red.

I got a bite on my... I had a few bites this week in the bed from a... Oh, me too. No, but this was from an insect. And it was... I woke up and it bit me on the eye, on the sort of top of... Oh, I'm glad you said that.

Yeah. And, well, I have a photo here, which is always good on radio. I took a photo on my iPhone. Oh, can I have a little look-see? Can I say other phones are available? Are you doing that thing of not wanting me to scroll through in case I find something?

Exactly, yeah. Oh, my God! Yes, exactly. Wow. We thought this wouldn't work on radio, but very dramatic. Very dramatic response. It looks awful. Yes.

Oh, dear, yeah. Yeah,... Awful. Yes. Oh dear, yeah. Yeah, I'm on all sorts. And what I've been doing this week... You look like you've been beaten up. Well, I have been beaten up by the insect world. Well, all right, you look like you've been beaten up by something bigger than the insect world. I know. The human world.

It's horrible. You must have very alluring blood. Yes. Oh, they love me. They do. That's what I've always thought about you, Frank. You must have very alluring blood. Yes. Oh, they love me. That's what I've always thought about you, Frank. You must have very alluring blood. So what I've been sleeping, very topical in Wimbledon week, what I bought, this electric tennis racket for bog.

You swing it at them, pressing the button, it electrocutes them, do it with the thing. That's quite a humane death, quite a middle-class death. So if I hear any zzzz in the night, I start waving my tennis racket in the dark, just aimlessly around. A marvellous symbol of British tennis since the war. I'm concerned.

Why? Because you just said if you hear zzz in the night, which basically is another way of saying if I hear a buzz in the night, I hit it with a tennis racket. Just be careful. It hasn't come to that yet. Be careful.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Mary Drainer has emailed an email that is entitled Lollies and Hard-Boiled Sweets! My kind of email. And basically, I'll give you the brief version of it. Frank, those are the worst things for your teeth. They last so long and your teeth are coated in sugar

for a long period of time. Caps lock. Avoid lollies. There's a lot of caps lock. Oh, she's basically warning you there. Well, thank you for that. I'm imagining she's a dental nurse. What's her name, Flop? Her name is actually Mary Drainer.

Mary Drainer? Mary Drainer. Well, she's already drained me, I must say, with a rather stern approach to confectionery. Her job was, for 14 and a half years, was teaching children about tooth decay prevention and dental education. Oh, well, she's just a person up and down, up and down, till they're clean and sparkling. I bet she played them that.

Maybe. Yeah. You could do another musical number for us. If you'd seen my teeth, Ms. Drainer, you'd know that there's no hope for them anyway. But somebody offered me the other week a cheap Venus flytrap.

Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. Were you in Soho again? No, no, it was by email. Oh, was it? The florist. So many things that we haven't collected for you. And I'm wondering, would they do would would they take a mosquito, a Venus flytrap? Oh, yeah, you could get one. Oh, that'd be good. You could have a bedroom full of them.

But the trouble is that Venus flytrap has a sort of sticky pollen-y type thing that attracts, you know, bees and flies. Flies mainly, obviously, hence the name. But that's not what mosquitoes go for. What you need is to put a little bit of black pudding in there. Now smell the blood. Someone might try that. Oh, I thought you meant because it was a northern thing and then they'd think it was you.

I was in the spare room when it happened, which, you know, leaving my girlfriend to watch the baby that night because I was working the next day, so I'm thinking it might have been planted there by someone from Mum's net. Like, remember the tarantula in Doctor Now? That they put in James Bond's bedroom? Yeah.

Horrible. That's one of my worst ever film scenes. Is it? Oh, God, it gives me the absolute shudders thinking about it. I'm going to stop thinking about it. You know what I'm going to think about? Why not do you? I'm going to think about what's on next and it's Sarah Champion

coming up after this. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week. It's been lovely talking to you guys and listening to your texts being read out. It went quite well until at the end it sort of fell away. It slightly slowed

down but that's OK. OK, it's still the adverts. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.