The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Parental PDA's

Episode Date: November 9, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank, Alun and Emily discuss Frank's incident in MacDonald's, embarrassing parents, strange eating habits and Huey Morgan's Never Mind the Buzzcocks walk out

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us, why don't you, on 8-12-15. You know, to say stuff. Or you can follow us on the Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Or there's the old website, that old vintage set-up. The Absolute Radio website where you can email us.

Okay. We never say the email. Do we never say it? No. We don't really know it. Oh, the actual... No one. Whoever. When's the last time you typed in HTTP? Who does that? I never have.

I never have, and what's more, I never will. Good. Nobody makes me type in HTTP double slash... I thought I was just going to be left at the rhyme. Nobody makes me slash type HTTP. Shut up. Burn it. Going on. That's your motto, isn't it? Stop withering.

Well, that could put the kibosh on the whole morning. Oh, God, that could reduce us all to silence. stop with the ring rule. Anyway, so what about Stop Twittering? Oh! You two never started. No. It's left to me.

No, we leave it to people who feel that they've got things to say that other people are interested in. Save my meaning. OK, so, oh, I'll tell you, speaking of which, I went to mass on Sunday morning, obviously. I guess we all do. And I took my baby. I don't want you to say that. Do you not?

That's what I do with my time. OK. Yeah, you were probably ironing your cravats now that you've got into the acting profession. Anyway, Steve in a fedora. Yeah, oh, he will be. So I took the baby. Lovely.

And then about, I'd say about eight minutes in, he... Did he cry? No, he didn't cry, but I did when I smelt him. Oh, OK. So I think he finds choral music extremely relaxing. Sturdy. Because I've took him to church twice in a space of a fortnight and both times, about five minutes in, I thought, I feel hell.

He's bubbling up beneath me. That'll be useful to remember when he gets older. Well, when he did it, I was in Whitstable and he did it and I had to move around the church throughout the mass to disperse it a bit because it was so intense. Also a woman looked round at me. He packs quite a punch old boss doesn't he? A woman turned and looked at me and of course there's always

accusation. It's like they think you know it could be me. I've got just enough grey hair that it could be me. So anyway I moved about a bit and so Like you were wafting? Yeah. I was praying for more incense me. So, anyway, I moved about a bit. And, so... Like you were wafting. Yeah. I was praying for more incense, just

in comic. I was trying to give him the more incense signal. Following in his verse portrayal. You need me with my Chanel spritz, which I did when I had to go on a coach once. That would have been lovely. But anyway... I sprayed the whole coach. They never have changing facilities at the the uh the churches oh

terrible not even in first class no no no there is a wide list so i um i went in the mcdonald's um next door and i was with grandma not my grandma difficult and i know jeannie in a food place. But I went, and so she went downstairs to change him in the ladies, and I sat up and watched the stuff. So I'm sitting by the window. You know those seats that face out onto the street? Oh, yeah.

And a homeless man came and looked through the window, I suppose, to see if it was busy or whatever. And then he came over and he looked at me. So I looked back at him and we had a period of, I would say, an easy 15 to 20 seconds of us just looking into each other's eyes through a pane of glass. Oh, that's like an Akita video. And I wasn't being aggressive.

I was looking at him in the way one might look at a wardrobe. You know, I just thought there's a man staring straight at me. So he came in and said, I know you, don't I? I said, I don't think so. And he said, yeah, you are on telly. You're on telly, aren't you?

I said, no, not anywhere near as much as I used to be. I thought I'd get in early with the hard luck story. Yes. I ended up telling him about I used to be. I thought I'd get in early with the hard luck story. Yes. Yeah. I ended up telling him about I love my country. Yeah. He gave me two quid. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, this homeless bloke says... I'll tell you what, he said,

I hate, hate Three Lions. Did he? He said, that's a rubbish, rubbish song. He said it directly to you, to your face, not in a conversation about you to somebody else. No, he said it to me, but I wasn't sure if he knew I was anything to do with it. Did this just come out of a pro of nothing?

It seems quite aggressive. Exactly, he said, I hate it. He said, World in Motion, best football song ever. Did this just come out of nothing? It seems quite aggressive. Exactly, he said, I hate it. He said World in Motion, best football song ever. Did he? Yeah, also got the best bit of rap ever on it. Oh yeah. Of course, I'd just been, in a way, I'd just been World in Motion

in church. I'd certainly World in Motion around the church. We've got a text on that actually, Mass Hysteria. Oh yeah. We'll come got a text on that, actually. Mass hysteria. Oh, yeah. We'll come back to that, because... No, that's it. Oh, sorry.

Mass hysteria. How fabulous. Mass. This is how pathetic I was. I said to him, off three lines... Actually, I said, just want to poll, just this week... Oh, you didn't. ...for most popular football song...

You didn't. ...to this bloke. Yeah. And... I love Three Lions, but it's no this time more than any other time. Come on, Frank. No, I know. Well, obviously he was entitled to his worthless opinion.

But why tell me about it? And I ended up saying stuff like, yeah, but Three Lions was like the people's song because, you know, it's a very good song, World Emotion, but it was never sung on the terraces. I thought, just relax about it. He doesn't have to like it. You're never going to see him again. No. Well. Will you say that?

Let's see how things pan out. I'll just see him arresting eye contact through the glass. I'm looking for a stable boy at my new home. And he was only 4 foot 11. I thought he was perfect. I'm not sure he's that stable. No, I think you're probably right there. Anyway, so I left in the end.

Did you? He stayed. Did he stay in Lackadees, did he? He said to me... He's still there listening. He said, it's a big homeless hangout, you know, this McDonald's. I said, I should use that in the pub, listen. So I went down to the toilet.

People are in there with their shirts off, washing under their arms. Oh, yeah. In the shower. Not in the shower, at the sink. People do that all the time. Like a crocker at a service station. Yeah.

No, people use it for changing clothes, and I use Absolute Radio. I love it when you go... But if you don't have an Absolute Radio... Isn't it great when you go into a public toilet and there's a bloke with his shirt off having a proper... It's like you walked into someone's house. Didn't they change it? Didn't they change

the chairs and they made them all Big Brother chairs, didn't they? They changed the decor in McDonald's. I haven't been in one for about 15 years, but I believe they did. But Frank's still going. Yeah, they've changed the decor. They've made it look like White's Ground with flaming braziers. Well, I was a bit worried when the guy came up to me.

Flaming Braziers? You've got a lot of women's libbers in there. When he said, don't I know you, I thought you might actually know him not off the telly. From my drinking days. When you were on that reservation. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dear.

Oh, Frank. Frank, can we go and audition for Star Wars today? If you're listening, mate. Respect. There's open auditions. I know. I would love to turn up. They're looking for a man in his early 20s, aren't we all?

Yeah. And I don't know, there's a female role as well. What if I went down there? It's an orphan, I think. An orphan. Well, I can pretty much do that. So I'll think to cast an orphan, as if an orphan looks... I mean, i think an orphan well i can pretty much do that so i think to cast an orphan as if an orphan looks i mean i'm an orphan yeah you should audition if me if i

turned up with annie you know that's in there what was she called a queen something queen who played in the film oh is this the text you know turned up both orphans it's not a look is it we're completely... We've got the text in. What does an orphan look like? I think Cockrell would be most likely to get the job

in Star Wars. I don't think so. Yeah, he could be a bit Chewbacca with a bit of... He only needs... I could be a bit Chewbacca. Honestly,

he only needs a bit of backcombing. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in that I think is indicative of this show in many ways. You are. Yes, I am. I think I am. Emily, you know, on the subject of the Star Wars open auditions, Emily could

audition for the R2-D2 good old pun well I've got the height it continues I texted you that and you read that out a few years ago but a decent pun is a decent pun yes

even the audience of this show recycles their material yeah but now we've been tricked into breaking the sacred oath that is no repeat guarantee Even the audience of this show recycles their material. Yeah, but now we've been tricked into breaking the sacred oath that is the no-repeat guarantee. Yeah. Oh, no. I thought it didn't apply. Can you imagine? There'd be alarms going off all over London as absolute bosses sit bolt upright in their beds.

Are you... Absolute guarantee alert! Do the absolute bosses ever sit bolt upright? Not really. Well, there was that one time. He came running in with his tracksuit bottoms, which he still denies. Anyway. Frank, why have you given Charlie the small

chair? Like she's doing an Oxford interview and you're trying to psych her out. Well, because I'm on my third chair so far this morning. The first one I sat on, the arm fell off. The third one, no, the second one,

it's complicated, isn't it, maths? The second one, I sat on it and it went... And suddenly... Did you reject it on those grounds? Well, suddenly my knees were rubbing against my poppy. Oh, yeah. And that's never good. The second one he soiled during that story about the tramp,

that was the problem with the second one. That is a lie. It's a goddamn lie and you know it. Hey. That's David Slange-Dupman. We've got to talk about VB. Did you see VB this week? VB, let me guess.

Oh, come on. Oh, very... It's not something you catch. Vim, VB. Any idea? I haven't got time for this. Victoria Beckham. Oh, very... It's not something you catch. Vim, V, B. I haven't got time for this. Victoria Beckham. Oh, of course. You mean P.S.

She was. P.S. Post-post. Wasn't that tricky? Once you got Victoria Beckham in the essential frame. That's true. Well, I am not the sharpest tool in the box, so... Well, I...

No, you're not. I think you'll find you're the future Chebacca yeah i see you more as a reliable wooden mallet she had a pda with her son brooklyn this week oh yes she did now he's quite have you seen that brooklyn he's turning into a good-looking chap he's good but he's a bit of a mix isn't he oh no it didn't look Oh no, things didn't look 100% positive for a while, because he was a bit of a bruiser. Was he? Yeah. Handsome child, but...

But you can see those parents in him. He's got predominantly David, I would say, but he has got the old two-pin plug socket nose that Victorious made so famous and popular. But he's handsome, there's no doubt about that.

He is, yeah. But I didn't... I'm sure, can I... Absolutely sure that it was a loving parental moment. Yeah. I'm certain of that and I'm not questioning that. Yeah. It made me a bit anxious.

Did it? It just looked... I should say, if you didn't see it, she grasped him in... It was a bit anxious. Did it? It just looked... You didn't see it. She grasped him in... It was a big mum... She held his face. Like it was a cabbage or something. Look, I feel bad saying this, but I felt a bit get a room when I saw it.

Bang! Do I know? I say I'm sure that's a misinterpretation. Yes, I'm sure it is. It's because she's so dedicated herself to that sort of moody pout. Is it usually when a parent kisses a child, it's a lovely beaming green, but she's still doing the pout as she comes in, the menacing pout, and I just think, oh, God, what did you do with them Dalmatians?

That was my first thought. Yeah. Yeah, but it did look, I felt a terrible shudder go through me. Really? That's interesting. She could have smiled at that moment, truly kissing her own... No, you never smile in fashion, darling.

...handsome son. Can't smile in fashion. But she... Well, I noticed that, and then... Because when they were together, they looked like a European plug adapter. Sorry, carry on. But I noticed that, and I felt sorry for him,

because I thought, as a 14-year-old boy, I don't know, having never been a 14-year-old boy, I can exclusively reveal... Except online. Yeah. I was a 14-year-old boy, but we didn't kiss each other because of the gas masks. Oh.

But that's embarrassing, isn't it? And a mum does that. I can imagine Alan would have liked that. Well, he looked like... I have to say, he didn't go pink or anything going to the pictures I saw. No, he didn't, that's true. He looked like he handled it quite well.

He was probably thinking, get off, what's with that mean pout thing? Yeah. What's with the mean pout? But he's gone for the big hair. He has. It's a bit Bieber, isn't it? Isn't there a... Did you read that story that's in the Alex Ferguson autobiography about Beckham? He's gone for the big hair. He has. It's a bit Bieber, isn't it?

Did you read that story that's in the Alex Ferguson autobiography about Beckham? That Beckham was training in a woolly hat. Did you read it? I did. And Ferguson said, What are you wearing that for? It's a hair dryer treatment. And he said,

I can't take it off. I'm not revealing my new hairstyle till tomorrow. I love it. I respect him for that. I do. But we'll come back to the... Anyway, let's rock! Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio Where were we? VB I don't think it's that embarrassing that she gave him a kiss I think it's nice really I don't want to sound like Mr. Forerunner Obviously it's nice somewhat It's the right way round to be embarrassed by your mum

if you're 14 isn't it At least she just gave you a kiss on the cheek in front of some photographers rather than, you know, went to the shops... Rather than at home. ...smoking a cigarette and drinking special brew. That would be worse for young Beckham, wouldn't it? Must be weird being a teenager in that household, though. Oh, I should have grown up in my household.

I wonder how many times he's answered the phone and people have started talking to him like he's david a 14 year old boy like hello oh hi david how you doing oh yeah i imagine it's weird being in that house anyway yeah i imagine they start the day by going no no no no it's a maiden name of course imagine just waking up every morning and David Beckham is lying in your bed. I would just cry with happiness. Me too.

I would cry every morning with happiness. I've sort of got that with my duvet. Oh, your Beckham duvet is that? Yeah, I've got a David Beckham. It's based on that, what was she called? Thingy, Taylor Wood. Oh, is that Taylor Wood? Oh, yeah.

It's based on him lying in... It's like he's lying in bed next to me. First thing I'd say is get up and walk over there so I can have a look. I would. Actually, it's not David Beckham. It's Harry Worth, the well-known British comedian from the 60s.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like an obscure duvet. Who would you most like to have on a duvet? I don't want to put you on the spot. Laurel and Hardy. No, that's all right. What line?

As if they were in bed. Yeah, that's a nice idea. Because there are those ones when they're in bed. You could have the duvet cover and then the pillows could be them. Sat there. Yeah. What about Turing Shroud? Oh, yeah.

Oh, that would be a lovely duvet. It's a bit more you than me. I think I'll stick with Laurel and Hardy. Yeah, I'm sticking with about Turing Shroud? Oh, yeah. Oh, that'd be a lovely duvet. It's a bit more you than me, I think. Yeah, well. I'm sticking with the Turing Shroud. Yeah. Yeah, I might look into that. I'd like David Baddiel on a duvet. I could just get Sprite and wrap myself in it,

wake up next morning, I've made my own. Hank, imagine if I had a David Baddiel duvet. That would be, yeah. Hmm. So, er... I don't know if it's that embarrassing though I think maybe there might be a little bit of revenge in it I've said on this show before that I used to play five-a-side football

Is this a bit like, as I said at the Brighton conference? No, it's just in case I wanted to make 546, the texter that you reuse their joke, feel included I've said before that I used to play five-a-side and then go to give my mum a cuddle. Oh, yeah. And just thrust her head towards my sweaty armpit post-football. Oh, I remember that. And I think maybe young Beckham, because he's a sporty lad, isn't he?

He plays football a lot, apparently. I think maybe he does a version of that. And Victoria's just gone, all right, fair enough. I don't think he'd do that. A big old kiss on your face. I don't think he'd do that with Victoria. I know it's his mum, but he just wouldn't do it with her. It wouldn't work. No.

No. She wouldn't fall for it. I don't think that is as embarrassing. She'd be absolutely furious. As parental embarrassment, I don't think that's as bad as Bernie Eccleston. Did you see him in his sleep? Oh, no, I thought that was brilliant. What he's done...

Well, Frank, would you care to tell us what he's done? What you're going to do to football was soon to happen. Perhaps using the football as tense. Well, what he's done, he's Frank, would you care to tell us what he's done? Perhaps using the football as tense? Well, what he's done is he's arrived at the revolving doors, he's looked up, he's waved at the paparazzi, he's gone inside, he's forgot to step out of the revolving doors. When you say forgot... He's done a 360, he's come out,

and he's thinking, well, there's paparazzi everywhere. The great thing, what, he just forgot to get out of the revolving door. Poor old Bernie. He's about 80-odd. Frank, his face afterwards. You know what it reminded me of? You know when you pretend to throw a ball at a dog and it looks a bit hurt and a bit confused? Yes, Frank.

That is exactly what his face... What I like is the paparazzi, when he arrived, they all went... All the shutters, all excited. And then they started to walk away, and you heard, oh, no, here we go, he's back again. I love that. It was like a Scandinavian town clock

with him just coming out every 30 seconds. Oh, Bernie, I could have hogged him. I'd have probably missed first time, but then got lower. Yeah, just caught the top of the head first hog. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I felt for Bernie Eccleston, though, because I'm, what, 38, and I struggle with revolving doors sometimes. He's pretty much double my age. The confidence with which you announced your age brought a tear to my eye. You like that, do you? I envied it. Well, yeah, when I announce mine,

it's like throwing a grenade in the room. I got into one recently at a posh hotel with another person, and they looked quite... I got into their piece of pie section. Oh, you can't do that. I got trapped in one once. Did you? Well, it was a man's

fault. It always is. Yes. One of those nights, yeah. No, but I ended up getting part of my shoulder caught and I cried to make him feel bad. I mean, it was painful, but not that painful. No, but that is. Not tears painful, but I cried because he didn't seem that sort of...

He didn't look guilty at all. So I just... I cried. What is the etiquette? Were you meant to go in there with other people? I... I got the feeling from this person, it's like when I went in the family changing room. I was just thinking, is this one down from the family changing room? Yeah, but I think if you know the person,

you can go in together. You know some young couples, they can't leave each other alone. I thought Bernie Eccleston should have just faced it out. When he did the full 360, he should have stepped out and gone, and one more lap to go. And gone back in.

Do you know what I felt for Bernie? You know, when they greet the paparazzi, it's always, how are they going to deal with it? And he put a little finger up as well. I like the finger. I like the finger. Because when Andy Coulson, I noticed, when he greets the press, he says, Morning, gents.

Oh. Oh, morning, gents. And the finger I prefer. Do they say morning squire? Back to him. Is he some kind of minder? Morning, gents. Now, about this drinks, Bill Arthur.

Do his phone. Isn't that embarrassing, though, Bernie Eccleston? My mum lived on the same street as the school. We lived on the same street as the school, and my mum had a Skoda when Skodas were properly rubbish. Yeah. That was pretty embarrassing, because that's nowhere to hide. I had one when they were rubbish.

Did you? And kids, when you went past... Yes, that's very you, Frank. When you went past, kids would go, SCOTUS! If those kids are then sat next to you at school, it's quite a long day, isn't it? That's what I had.

Yeah, but I was 40. They wouldn't have been sitting next to me. Of course, if I get in successfully to the Star Wars Open auditions, driving down the road with one of my new showbiz friends people go

Yoda! I would love it if you were friends with him I wouldn't be friends with him I don't do adverts You and Yoda coming out of Can you believe

that Yoda does adverts? That was a really awful moment in my life Every time I see it I think no No I do as well Which is more depressing Yoda or Kevin Bacon in those adverts?

Yeah. Both. He shouldn't have done it. No, but Yoda. Somehow sorrowful. Yoda, bear in mind, he's the slave of the animator. He doesn't have a chance to say yes or no. It's a bit like when the Dalai Lama did those wonga.com ads.

Yeah, that surprised me. I think the future is orange what about when my mom okay this is embarrassing i can just do the rest of the show and say this is embarrassing and recite my entire childhood i went to uh see a movie with some friends must have been about 12 13 so it was a double a so we put on eyeliner to get in that's what we to do. So we'd go to the car wing mirror outside the cinema and we'd use it to put eyeliner on. I used this just big, deep, little bit at the cubicle. One for the stalls, please.

The stall? Yeah. My mum had wanted me to go over to my alcoholic grandmother's in Brixton and I didn't want to because she used to take me to the pub and it was a bit depressing, you only get rum. Brixton and I didn't want to because she used to take me to the pub and it was a bit depressing you only get rum. So I went to see Psycho 2

with my posh friends and we were in the cinema I'd sort of run away almost and we're sitting there, lots of nice boys as well. Suddenly there's a torch a torch starts shining I hear this most actress-y voice possible. Emily Dean!

Emily Dean! Emily Dean! Oh, no. Yeah, torch shines on my face. When I saw my mother's face lit by a torch, it was worse than in Psycho when the mother turns round. It was more scary than that. Oh, God. It's funny she'd come in and go,

Norman? But very thorough parenting. Respect for that. See, I'd have probably waited in the foyer for you to come out, but to actually torch up... So would I, but if you've got your actor boyfriend at home waiting for you, what are you going to do? Well, that's this week's texting.

If you've got your actor boyfriend at home waiting for you, what are you going to do? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about things our parents have done that embarrass us. Yeah. My dad used to do this thing. I never

got to the bottom of it, but there was a man that used to come round, one of the club men, who'd come round and collect money. We always had club men. We always had people come in to collect money from the house. That's all you had. My dad used to buy a suit a year. He'd have it made to measure.

Did he? Yeah. He was a bit dapper, my dad. That's quite a lot. Yeah, then he'd come home on his hands and knees one night, one mile from the pub. He'd have to buy a new suit. But anyway, this bloke Sammy used to come round,

and Sammy used to play the piano. So Sammy, we had a piano in the house. No one could play it. But Sammy would come round and play a bit of piano. And he'd say, my dad would say, I'll play a bit now. And my dad couldn't play the piano. But he used to sit and sort of... But not for a joke.

And there was a terrible moment of awkwardness for about three or four minutes while he played the piano with Sammy. Because, see, Sammy's always confused by it and saying, I don't know, yeah. And then we'd just carry on having... And I never even asked him by it. And saying, yeah. And then we'd just carry on having... And I never even asked him about it. It didn't make any sense. And Sammy had just played it properly.

As if he could hear a perfect melody. This is too late to ask now, but anyway. What about when my dad said to a bouncer, he took me to this nice party. It was a Director General's, I think, but he wanted me to meet some BBC sons. He was one of the DGs. So he said to the bouncer, this is no word of a lie,

who said, got an invite, because it was in Shepherd's Bush, quite near the BBC. And my dad had never been to a club. He thought this was a bit strange. And he said, got an invite. And my father said, what do you mean? He said, the word is invitation. Invite is an American corruption.

To a bouncer. And he said, all right, go straight through, sir. Yeah. Why, how are we? You must have had some embarrassing mum moments. You know, my mum's Scottish and I grew up in England. Well, there you go. Oh, there you go.

Yeah. Anyway, moving on. I really felt like that would be enough. There you go. And she used to watch me play football and, like, loudly comment and wince. Oh. And I played in goal as well. So if I dived at someone's feet, she would be sort of heckling the person.

Like, you be careful with my boy's head, damn! Playing football! No, it's a whole breed of people, though, isn't it? The screaming parents. What, the Scots? Yeah. Yes, they are a whole breed of people. I basically had, like, a version of Andy Murray.

I had Ma Murray, but without the actual... Talent. Success. Without the ambition, yeah. Yeah, and the fabulous girlfriend. Well, you know, I've got a nice wife well you didn't then no he's talking about

back in the day like god I'm in Scotland they're getting married at age 11 apparently I loved when you jumped to the defence there when I was talking

about your childhood oh god he's so touchy since he's been doing the acting yeah absolutely here's the fedora he's got the fedora now.

Can we go to email corner? Oh, yeah, yeah. We're at the first third. We haven't even so much as jiggles. Is it time for the jingle? Do you want the jingle? I can give you that if you like it.

In the corner! I've got the scanning on it. In the corner In the corner but I love my country. Frank's what's good for a goose is good for Uganda gag was fine work. There you go. That was a fabulous gag. Okay. You know what? We're going to have to go to adverts. So we're just going to end on a bit of accidental praise.

I didn't see it coming, but there it is. I feel as it was in the context of a grander failure, I think we can allow it. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Text the show on 812... Sorry, I've just thrown me... This is Frank Skinner, Emily Dean, Alan Cochran. Text the show on 812.15.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. And you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. And indeed, we've asked for people to get in touch with the show, haven't we? I haven't. Well, we began... Don't look at me. We began the little thing of how did your parents embarrass you? And we have had some response to that.

I think I'll do this one. My dad used to call boyfriends by the wrong name. He used to claim it was because he wasn't good with names, but I'm sure he did it when he disliked them. He would call Paul John, for example, and then Paul would want to know who the devil John was. Ah, clever. Yeah, that's good.

I like that. That's a little tip for any parents listening. So we're in email corner. Oh, we're in email corner. I shall begin with email. We received an email. This is actually a while ago, but it's germane. We received an email about the mayor of Toronto.

Oh, God, yes. Topical. Yes, indeed. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, the topic of mayors always makes me laugh as I realise that Toronto's mayor is almost stranger than fiction. To start with, he is literally a man-mountain. When I encountered him once...

He's not literally a man-mountain. No. No. Good point. Who are you, my father? That is an American corruption. Yeah. That is an American corruption. He was on the Easter parade giving obscene amounts of chocolate out.

He gave my daughter six cream eggs each. Lovely. I think it shows that it was before his recent drug abuse fame because he would have kept them for himself with the munchies nowadays, wouldn't he? I don't know if they get that when they smoke crack, do they? Can I say that Absolute Radio disapproves of drug taking in any of its manifestations? These days.

He has admitted it, though. He has admitted... No, no, he's admitted it. That's what I like about the matter. Can I tell you exactly what he said? Because it did make me think of Frank. And please don't take this the wrong way. But he said when he had smoked the naughty salt,

as I believe it's called by posh people, he said, I was probably in one of my drunken stupids. he had smoked the naughty salt, as I believe it's called by posh people. Is it? He said I was probably in one of my drunken stupors. Is what he said. Is this defence? Not in a drunken stupor but in one of a series. What I like about him is that he was

seen urinating against a tree. Was he? Now I can... That doesn't make him a bad person. I can... You feel a kindred spirit. That doesn't make him a bad person. I'm no stranger to a steaming strawberry, as our regular listeners will know.

I know. And he sounds to me like he's a brilliant bloke. You're not serious. I am. I'd rather have him than Boris. Any day of the week. Well, Boris has admitted trying cocaine and said it had no effect on him. Is that right?

Are we 100% sure that's right? Can I say that Absolute Radio... That's what I read. ..are not sure if this is true. Thus they are, through me as their voice, distancing themselves. The best one is the politician in America. I think it's Bloomberg, who was asked if he'd smoked cannabis when he was younger

and he said, you bet I did, and I enjoyed it. Again, absolute right, yeah. I'm not certain of the veracity of this story. How do you say I read it? Well, because your mate emailed you. Yeah, I read it on the internet, the World Wide Web. Oh, the internet. Yeah, you know when you read a story like this.

He read it on the internet, it's fine. When you read stories about Toronto's mayor, there are often sidebars where you can read other similar stories. He likes a sidebar. That's how I use the internet. Get on with this email, we're only a quarter of the way through. He likes a club bar. We haven't even finished.

He once declared he was going to get healthy and lose weight and voraciously challenged slimmer mayors from other big cities in Canada to lose weight. Before too long, he started... I like slimmer mayors. It went a bit Forrest Gump. Yes. He then challenged slimmer mayors from other towns. Before too long, he started ducking the weigh-ins,

and then it all went a bit quiet. Love him. Then there is the YouTube video when he rushes from a boardroom straight into a press camera and starts blaspheming. Trust me, this is better than Kanye. I've seen that one. I'd say better than Bernie now.

And now it says, he is the pantomime villain of mayors, and so at odds with the... I'd say he's now not a pantomime villain anymore, I think he might have moved on he's so at odds with the culture of Toronto yet remains in office clinging on by his sweaty paws, he's deserving

of a mention in Mayor Corner, hear ye hear ye. No he's top notch This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. You want to hear about Hammersmith Blue, who tweeted us and says, my dad embarrassed us in M&S by putting a suspender belt on his head and claiming to have reinvented the Australian hat.

I think that dad's a licensor, that sort of thing. Do you? You say with great hope in your voice. I profoundly respect him for that. And Andy in Leytonstone. I'm doing this show wearing a chemise. Do you? You say with great hope in your voice. I profoundly respect him for that. And Andy in Leytonstone. I'm doing this show wearing a chemise. Are you? Good for you. Chemise too. In the

70s, I was about eight and my mum made me a pair of green patchwork leather shorts and sent me to school in them. Oh, was it Robin? Oh. I never wore them again. Great show as ever. I wore some mum-made clothes also, yeah.

Not green leather patchwork shorts. Did you? Could you hear myself putting them on there? Is that what that was? Yeah, sorry about that. I just assumed it was a bit of feedback. No. Yeah, that's how velvet underground did it.

Soluble aspirin. They all had terrible colds, didn't they? The excitement of soluble drugs of any kind. When you're watching them. I always imagine that they're like creatures who live snoggily in their little homes. And suddenly they're in water. What's happening?

That's what I always imagine. We're going down, going down. Oh, we're going back up again. I don't like it because their life's over. Yeah, but, you know, they die to relieve me from pain. So many people have over the years. Anyway. Yes, we're still in the email corner.

Are we done on Mayor of Toronto? On the subject of the fat Mayor of Toronto. Yes, what do you think of him? Well, I think he's fantastic. Apparently, he's gone up five points in the polls. No. Yes. I see.

People like a bit of real. That's what they like. He might be keeping it a bit too real, I think. Well, now that I Love My Country is a dot in the nation's wing mirror, I can say that we had a mayor on there, the mayor of... Oh, did you? Somewhere. And the tradition where he comes from is that they weigh the mayor

when he gets the job, and then they weigh him a year later to make sure he hasn't been living too richly off the public funds. And we had this big mayor came on, and we weighed him on the show. And Tom Ellis was doing the show. You know Tom Ellis? Oh, lovely. Miranda, yeah. Miranda, isn't he?

Yeah. Very handsome. I'm tense about that, am I? Did he get the job that you? No, he didn't. No, Gary Barner got that job. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

So we had to guess how heavy the mare was going to be. And at the end of it, Tom Mannis said to me, right now we have to, after the guess, he said, right now we have to guess how much it would cost to post him. Which I just thought was a very fine joke. It wasn't picked up by the... This mare, he says he feels like he's got £1,000 off his back. Who's that? After admitting it.

Does he really? Yeah. I think the weird thing is... He's got £1,000 off his crack. That was a bargain. I think the weird thing is, if he is living that sort of, let's call it an alternative lifestyle... Oh, it's definitely alternative. It's kind of strange that he's not got any jewellery. Surely he should be a bit bling if he's

hanging out with the... Don't they not have the chains in America and Canada? No, Mr T stole them all. Oh, of course. He should really look like Huggy Bear or something, shouldn't he? But I tell you what, I think he's perilously close to becoming

a friend of the show. The Mayor of Toronto. I wish. I'm going to keep my eye on him. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. We're still in the email corner. We're still in the corner. This email is in from Chris. He says, hello Frank, Emily and Lecoq Sportif. I think that's because of my excellent French pronunciation that I've been doing recently on the show. Oh, Descartes. Descartes and Apois.

When I was talking about Apois. Remember? Remember Apois? I think you were away, actually. That was my week off, wasn't it? Yeah, I did a bit of French. Apois. But Lecoq Sportif...

You've always been good like that. You save your French pronunciations for my weeks off. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You like that better, don't you? Yeah, otherwise it sets me on edge. But the Cork Sportifs, you know, a brand I appreciate. Oh. If they listen.

Oh, no. No. I suit it as well. I really suit it. Yeah, if there's anyone from Admiral listening. You want new car insurance? Yeah, I'd love a wristband. Not really. Anyway. Don't? Yeah, I'd love a wristband. Not really. Anyway. Don't send it, I'll burn it.

Longtime podcast reader. Just wish I was available for the live shows, so he won't be listening. Okay, so say anything we like. Why do you think that is? Maybe he's a drinker. First time emailer. My question to you is, oh my tummy just went, well done, congratulations.

What does the phrase that old old chestnut, mean? I think, wasn't it the offence that Zinedine Zidane got sent off? It was a nutter, but it was in the chest. It was very, very weird. Chris goes on to say... I think he was trying to stop his heart deliberately about that. And he had a little sickie. A different game.

Oh, yeah, it was a different one. I would know in what context it should be used, but I'm confused as to how it originated. Please enlighten me with your wisdom, as I refuse to Google slash a cosier it. All the best, Chris. I love the non-Googling facts that we're encouraging on this show. I know, I. People have started thinking... You could Google stuff if you didn't know it. I love the non-Googling facts that we're encouraging on this show. What are the rules?

People have started thinking... You could Google stuff if you didn't know it. The rule is... Your rule, we should say. Yeah. Now, the rule is that if you don't know, you can Google. If you don't remember, you can't. You have to remember.

Try and remember. But I like that people are taking it to the next level. You just can't Google. You have to try and find out. You know, by asking people, which is the old method of gaining knowledge. Yeah. I mean, I don't know the answer to this,

but I tell you what, I had chestnuts. Oh, did you? Last Christmas? No, no, I had them for, you know, around the bonfire. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. As you know, I don't celebrate the bonfire night, but I like a chestnut. Mm-hmm. As you know, I don't celebrate the bonfire night, but I like a chestnut.

Mm. And when you peel them, they do look like a human brain. They do. Oh, yeah. They really do. If you wanted to... They do. See, that's what puts me off the consistency of the innards

is a bit unappealing. Yeah, but it'd be great if you got an action man and you want to... Say, if you want to have him with an open top head. Like lobotomised. Say if action man has just won a major trophy, you want to give him an open top head. You could cut the top of the head off, put a chestnut in there, and it would work perfectly as a small human brain.

And I wonder if that's why people might say that old chestnut, in that the human brain the home of ideas theoretically if you if you associate the brain with the mind it's a different different it's a big philosophical debate whether the brain is the mind well we've got another hour and a half yeah well okay let's get stuck into it well day carts you yeah now um so maybe that's what it means that old chestnut meaning that old idea because it looks like a brain can I say I have no verification for that at all

that's purely my own thinking I thought it came from in medieval times when they had like restaurants that were a bit like your sushi I think they had restaurants in medieval times they went around on like a little conveyor belt, but nobody had the chestnut dish because it wasn't very nice. And then they started saying,

oh, that old chestnut, it's not fresh. That's what I thought it was. What? What's happened? I'm guessing, I'm guessing. I didn't come up with a theory because I was buying make-up online. I love that you're so focused. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I was finishing off a bit of Banana there. I ate a banana during that song. I told you some great celebrity gossip during that song.

It was good, actually. It will not be repeated. It was very good. I'm glad the mics were down for it, put it that way, because I think... Oh, hold on, the mics went down. Oh, weren't they? Well...

Once again, Absolute Radio. We need some better lawyers. That story on air would have... Anyway! I've had a thing. I've been working in London this week and as I said last week, I've been

staying in a mate's flat, so there are flatmates. But I feel like I was a bit insensitive because one night, they're both very nice Kim and Chris they are Chris came back Oh they're Kardashians That's their name check

Yeah that's right Name check keep the rent down He's living with the Kardashians Fabulous Kim and I were in the living room You get a wider armchair Yeah That's what they're going for

And then Chris returned and we could hear him cooking in the kitchen Fair enough And then he didn't come through and eat it In the living area, the lounge In the communal area And Kim said, I think he's eating his dinner in the kitchen And I said, is that normal?

And she said, no We never eat in the kitchen It's like a, what they call He hates you I thought he might hate me, and then he came in, and I said, how come you ate your dinner down in the kitchen? And he said, to be honest, I had a weird meal.

Oh, not that pasta that looks like a gentleman's, a gentleman's, excuse me. No, I hate that. That's what he said. He said, I've had a load of Ann Summers pasta that I need to finish. If anyone's listening, that's my Christmas present sorted. No, Danny's embarrassing, fair enough. No, what it was was I think he started off thinking,

oh, I'll have those sausages in like a hot dog style. Don't we all? So he was doing sausages with peppers and onions and then he realised, oh, I've got some beans that I need to eat. Was he doing chipolatas or your big sausages? No, I've got sausages. Not a big frank. Steady.

And then he put the leftover beans that he had in, and so in the end he said, I had sort of sausages with stir-fried peppers and beans on bread, eaten like a sandwich. And so he said, I just felt a bit too awkward about eating it in front of people because he was a very sensitive individual but I do feel like I was a bit insensitive

because the next night they were in there and I went through with a bowl of soup and anchovies on a bagel wow that's a nice meal sort of New Testament cuisine is it? yeah bread and fishes It's a nice meal. It's sort of New Testament cuisine. Is it?

Yeah. I don't know. What, bread and fishes? Oh, yes. Actually, he's on a bagel. I think it's a bit more Ibsen. I think it's disgusting. On a bagel, you can't get more Testament. That's more Old Testament, I suppose.

It was lovely. But then I thought, oh, maybe I should have been food shy on this. Perhaps this is the sort of thing I should have eaten standard. See, I relate to that. I often get, I call it food shame. There's certain things i won't eat in front of company pickled onion chocolate flag i want to go for that with gusto okay i don't like it with gusto is that the pine knot thing pickled on your monster munch frank really oh i get a packet and it's i look forward to doing it on my own as a solitary activity.

Yeah. Because they're too... Have you ever seen them, the claws of the monster munch? There's about three bites to get through one and they get all over your clothes and they stink. I haven't had a monster munch. I've known people become uneasy at my tongue work on a walnut whip. Because I like to get the knot off

and then I like to remove the cream leaving the empty chocolate casing at the end which I can then use to drink creme de menthe out of. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about people being a bit touchy about uh eating in front of other people for other people it seems like this so don't the australian aborigines do that they sort of do all sorts of rude things in front of each other but they don't eat they eat in private behind the rock

yes okay that's right respect i tell you well when I'm eating a burger, I know you didn't ask. The trouble is, if you're in an Aborigine restaurant and you... You can't leave it, can you? If you send your food... You just can't leave it. It's a bad sign when you start a sentence that the producer puts her head in her hands. That is definitely a bad sign.

Don't you find that if you send the food back, they shouldn't have served it on a boomerang in the first place? OK, that's all right. It's quite 70s, isn't it? Yes, OK. I'm not going to talk about my fight. I'm not renting the fight. You are. Can I?

You very much are. He can't leave it. No. That's his next book. I said to him, leave it. Thank. I tell you what, when I eat burgers, I have two ways of eating burgers. The public way and the private way.

Oh, yeah. Now, the public way, I use a knife and fork. What? Well, I cut it in half and then I'll eat. But what I don't like, there's something about eating a burger, especially in front of a man that I fancy, you two included, but I don't like chomping into it it feels very feral it feels like you know in planet of the apes when they feed them the food

and they go and they go mad through the cages that's what i feel like yeah i like that there's something primal about it just pick it up and shove it at your face yeah i like it i like a girl with a hint of Scooby-Doo about her. Oh, no, I don't like... It's very un-ladylike, Burgess. No, I suppose... The first date, see, I've forgotten, really, about what early dating... You are quite careful about what you... I went to parents of a girlfriend once. Oh, yeah.

They were a bit... They were, like, a bit posher. The poshest people I'd met at that time in my life. And one of them had a job. And we had spaghetti, which of course is... Continental. And I got the bay leaf. I had no idea what to do with the bay leaf.

To be fair, we often had the bay leaf coming round. I ate the bay leaf. did you eat it yeah oh my god that's so embarrassing the worst thing was just as the last bit of it went down you know when you see a frog eating a locust just when the last bit went down the woman's mom said are you eating the bay leaf no and she said God, you've eaten the bay leaf. Oh, can I stop it? Yes, I've eaten the bay leaf. I love it.

You people, you look down on me. And then it all went very... Oh, Frank, do you know, that makes me so upset. I once saw a man eating fish and chips and he... Good for you. It's not the end of the story. Is he like Orca, man eating fish and chips? That's the worst story he's ever told. I once saw a man eating fish and chips. It's not the end of the story. Is he like Orca? Man-eating fish and chips. That's the worst story he's ever told.

I haven't told it yet. I once saw a man eating fish and chips. It's not the end of the... I love that story, but it's not the end of the story. He speared the chip with his fork, got a bit of fish on there, and then he just stabbed the slice of lemon and whacked it in. Peel and all. Wow.

Is it Godzilla? He must have been a... My jaw hit the floor. He must have been a... My jaw hit the floor. He must have been a regular tequila drinker. I don't like with the corn on the cob either. I don't want people seeing my dental records. I don't like that the teeth marks are left all over it. Yeah, and also, the corn on the cob left all over the teeth.

Oh. It really gets in the gaps, corn on the cob. Oh, yeah, mango. That gets in the gaps, doesn't it? You know, stringy mango. Stringy mango. Stringy mango. What a band they were. Party band. You know, not music you take terribly seriously, but you can have a great night out at the stringy mango gig.

I'll tell you what I often eat alone, but not in private. Chicken kebabs. Oh yes, I can see you doing that. Out of the paper. Well, I often think, well, this is a healthy version of takeaway, because it's basically grilled chicken salad, basically. You know when Paul Gascoigne was photographed eating a kebab, and they sort of said, oh, you shouldn't be eating takeaways right before a game, and he responded, it had salad in it. I always thought, that's a great answer, it's grilled meat with salad, good for you.

But I wouldn't have even been photographed because I'd have been in the middle of a park on a bench alone just chucking it in my face. That's how I'm rolling. I'm going to tell you about my banana sandwiches in a minute. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've just been talking about, this is how crazy this show is. We talked about what we had to eat last night. Daisy producer took it too far. She said I had a baked potato yesterday lunchtime. So I didn't eat last night. What sort of conversation starter is that? Very Cliff Richard.

Nothing after lunch. He has one meal a day, doesn't he? Yeah. Did you see him on the one chair? No. I thought that was you. No, we're often mistaken nowadays. He's got a new rock and roll album out.

I bought you his calendar last year. I know you did. It's lovely, that gift. It is. I still... Consult it. Treasure it. Well, yeah, I treasure it in many ways.

I'm not looking forward to the end of the year when that has to go down. Oh. But a lot of sandwiches. Banana. Oh, yeah. I am a very big fan of peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Are you?

But I've never been sure whether to... Say if you're making one with two rounds of bread and two bananas, that's the right sort of ratio. So what do I do? Well, now, one banana, two rounds of bread. Do I slice the banana, put that on the bread? Do I cut the bread, or do I just wrap each slice around half the banana?

Oh, yeah. Are you with me? Yes. What I've started doing now, peanut butter the bread, and I do the sandwich lengthways. You do what? So I fold the bread lengthways instead of widthways. So it's a long, thin, folded piece of bread.

It's more of a sort of hot dog. A hot dog affair. Yeah. But not on a sort of hot dog. A hot dog affair. Yeah. Banana peanut butter hot dog. So I have to break neither the bread nor the banana. Both remain intact just before the point of eating. Which is lovely. I don't feel I'm destroying anything

environmentally. I have to be honest Frank. I don't normally go for the old banana sandwiches. Anything that I can see going bad before my very eyes, which happens with the banana, it goes brown so quickly. I don't mind a bit of brown. Don't you? And also sometimes you get a nice surprise. They're a bit

mottled on the skin. And then, what are you laughing at? And then when you open up, they're in much better shape than you imagined. I think that's this week's trailer sorted anyway, accidentally. I think that's this week's trailer sorted anyway, accidentally. I think that's

this week's show over. Also, I'm going to keep going. I'm not a big fan of the knife and fork, generally speaking. No, you always like to use your hands, don't you? I've seen you in the restaurant. That's the other half of the

trailer. I was having lunch yesterday with Tyshan Sheerenberg, the artist. Were you? And I had fish and chips and he's alright with me eating

the chips with my hands. When I started eating the fish with my hands and then the moshi peas. No. Yeah, he did mention it in a nice way. What did he say? He said, shall I get you a napkin? He didn't.

Yeah. That's worse than the bay leaf incident. But I think, you know, if you look at cutlery and look at hands, fingers are much more suited to eating food than cutlery. Much more flexible and dexterous. Do you do the French mop-up? But I'll tell you what I have done. I have been known to get a wadge of mashed potato

and pick stuff up with it. You know when you get the big piece of blue tack and you're taking the little bits of blue tack? I do that with mashed potato. Do you? Also, I will fold a slice of beef into a scoop and eat other food with that. Wow. Oh, I like it.

So there's some little tips for... I have to say, I weighed myself. There was definitely one that stood out for me. I weighed myself this morning. I was 12 stone 2, which is the heaviest I've been for some time. I don't understand men's weight. 12 stone 2. I'm about half 11 normally.

Right. Half 11. Is that what you call it? Half 11. Half 11. 11 and a half. I'm about half 11. I'm just past midnight at the moment. And I'm a bit worried about that. I'll be completely honest with you and I like to share everything with you. I'm struggling to hold on to my thigh gap.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran in the chairs. You can text us on 81215, follow us on twitter frank on the radio or email the absolute website we haven't had many texts this morning

we've had a few oh we've had quite a lot since you started discussing the peanut butter sandwiches yeah we have frank I have peanut butter and banana on toast yum and I spread peanut butter on both pieces of toast then cut the banana lengthways.

That's the trick. I then cut it in half across the middle and they line up perfectly in a spoon fashion across the piece of toast. I can understand that. Place the other piece of toast on top and then cut as you normally would. Very intricate.

Deb, Liscard, Cornwall. Okay. And as for you eating the bay leaf, someone's texted, That's nothing, Frank. My wife ate the bouquet garni round a friend's house. She said it was a bit chewy yet full of flavour. Bouquet garni. Bouquet garni often is.

It would be full of... Alex. Is that the sister of Alf Garni? Alex has some dietary advice. Frank, your diet sounds a bit carb heavy. You need to go high protein, eggs, tuna and maybe a supplement. You'll be ripped by Christmas with a thigh gap like a racehorse. Well, yeah.

I don't require the storage space that a racehorse does. That's not what I've heard. I don't want to storage space that a racehorse does. Well, that's not what I've heard. I don't want to lose my thigh gap. No. And as regards the food shyness, Karen from East London has texted, it's well documented that President Kennedy used to slide right down in the back of the presidential car

to eat a hot dog. He was so paranoid because the paparazzi had a terrible photo of Nixon eating and Kennedy was very careful of his image. In fairness, the paparazzi didn't just have a terrible photo of Nixon eating and Kennedy was very careful of his image. In fairness, the paparazzi didn't just have a terrible photo of Nixon eating, they had a lot of terrible photos of Nixon, every photo, in fact. Kennedy could do no wrong in my eyes. Well...

Yeah. What are you saying? If you want to recreate the assassination... Oh. Action Man. Barber. Oh, no! And the chestnut. Yeah, chestnut. Or small Oh. Action Man. Barber. I know. And the Chestnut.

Yeah, Chestnut. Or Small Walnut. Small Walnut. If he's got an oven-ready chicken with him, he's going to eat slid down in the back of the... That's what I think. Half a walnut. Perfect in a doll's house for a cooked chicken.

Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. Another little tip for Christmas. You know, you're full of those good ideas. Thanks very much. I might open some sort of children's toys tip site. I can see you as that. You're a bit like the toy maker in Chitty Chitty Bang.

Oh, no, that was Benny Hill. That's all right. Oh, is that all right? You don't mind being him? No, no, I'm happy to be him. He's OK, isn't he? Yeah, he's... Oh, good.

I was just checking. He doesn't have a branch. OK. Frank? Frank Skinner. Oh, good. I was just checking. He doesn't have a branch. OK. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, I think we need to talk about Sean Ryder's forthcoming series

where he's hunting for UFOs. Oh, yes, I heard about this. He's become a bit of a UFO person. None of what I said just then was a joke, and I'm glad it wasn't responded to in that way. It's, what have we done to the world where I can say, Sean Ryder's got a TV series where he's hunting UFOs, and you guys can go,

yeah, absolutely. He's also written a book. Has he? Yeah, about UFOs. I'm going to watch it. It's this weekend, actually, his first show. I think it's on the History Channel. I don't know.

It constitutes history. Yeah, yeah, I've got an absolute problem. Surely it should have been in the past, rather than him looking for it now. Maybe there are aliens in, you know, Tudor costumes. You never know. That would be good, wouldn't it?

You know, if I put on the History Channel... I love that spooky hair. If you put on the History Channel, you're after a Hitler documentary, surely. Yes never know. That would be good, wouldn't it? But, you know, if I put on the History Channel... But if you put on the History Channel, you're after a Hitler documentary, surely? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, in much the same way as... Made by one of my parents' friends. Is that right?

Yeah, most of them are. Yeah. This is what happens when you... Middle-aged men, they love a Hitler documentary. Oh, they do. And also, every time during the night, you can find a Hitler documentary on television. Why do middle-aged men love a Hitler documentary? I don't know. When does it happen?

It happens when they're about 40? I remember when the Osbournes first started. That began with him watching a Hitler documentary. Anyway, so Sean Ryder. The thing is about this, the blurb I said is, and he also searches for, you know, evidence of real aliens. Yeah. And I thought, well, if he'd found real aliens, I think we'd already know about that.

It's not the sort of thing you're going to find out on the show, and it won't have made the news beforehand. You think. I mean, they kept a lot of the finishes of big series secret, didn't they? Yeah, but you can't, you just can't say to the government, yeah, I have found real aliens, but, you know, spoiler alert. Exactly. If anyone was going to tell you I've seen an alien, I think if Sean Ryder said it to you, you might not believe him. Yeah, but isn't that just the sort of person they'd appear to,

because they know that the rest of us weren't... Yeah, he's a bit off his mind. I think Danny Dyer did a programme about aliens as well they're picking their targets very carefully. I think Danny Dyer will do anything, that's what I think No we're talking about his TV work darling

Oh right yeah I meant his TV work that is what I meant There's a funny quote in Sean Ryder's description because he says he saw a UFO when he was 15 in Salford and he says since that day I've always been sort of interested in them

not a fanatic or anything like that I like Star Trek and then he says this is my favourite bit but after I saw that which defied the laws of physics Sean Ryder said that I just like the fact that that which is excellent grammar in there and the fact that he is calling upon his full knowledge of the laws of physics well i imagine he knows quite a bit about chemistry yes he's just

yeah so he's just branching out i You know what, though? I hate aliens. Yeah. And I hate anyone that likes them. Because, you know why? They're just streakers. Put clothes on. Oh, yeah, they do. Why are they naked?

I imagine the fashion community... They're not always naked. They are always naked. Those ones with the funny heads, they're always naked. What about Doctor Who? Take over the Earth. You haven't got any pants on. The Doctor in Doctor Who is an alien. Is he naked? Oh, I'll start watching. No, he's an alien. He's not naked.

We get loads of aliens that wear clothes. Often they wear those like the ambassador of the alien nation. Often wears like some weird smock. Must have seen that. And for some reason taught like in a slightly Shakespearean way. Oh. Yeah, so they're not all

those ones with the big blue heads that you get on the adverts. Oh, most of them are. Awful. That's bad press for them. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. You know, we were talking about Sean Ryder earlier and his love of aliens.

UFO hunter. I don't know if he loves them. I think he does. He's definitely believed for them. I think it's going to end up like an episode of District 9. Have you seen the film District 9? Yes.

He hears about a prawn and just eats it. You know, I'm a celeb. He ate everything. Apparently. My wife told me that when he was in the jungle people were like,

oh, you've got to eat this. And he was just sort of like, I've had everything. I'll eat it. The thing was, he was eating, he'd have to eat like shark eyes and then the private parts of some sort of marsupial.

He didn't care. And they'd say, okay, Sean, that's it. Well done, mate. And he'd sit and talk to them after a bit, and he was picking. You see, Freddie Star pretended but he couldn't do it. And they had a bit where they were talking about the worst things they'd done at school. And they say, well, there's one time the teacher and I, you know, I put this thing in their pocket and blah, blah.

And he said, oh, we burnt the school down. It was the end of the conversation. Everyone just had to give up. Oh, we burnt the school down. It was the end of conversation. Everyone just had to give up. Oh, Sean. No, another one, though. Katy Perry. Yeah, who's not? She's another alien apologist.

She also believes in aliens. She said... Yeah, she also says she takes 26 pills a day. And she was in a car crash when she was... This is what I like. People have got a new album out, she's got to say some interesting facts that will be quoted along with the new album

plug. So you, she must have said, you know, to her publicity person, I know I was in a car crash when I was, it's an A, keep your powder dry. Till we've got a new product out. You hold on to that, love. We'll be glad of that. The next album's out.

Keep your powder dry. She never wears make-up, does she? Oh. Do people think what poor Katie Perry was in a car crash when she was 13? Well, then I will buy her a new album as some sort of rough compensation. She says she takes 26 pills a day, but 25 of those are actually

talcum powder pills, because she needs it for those rubber dresses that she wears constantly. Oh, yeah, she likes the rubbers. Yeah, she goes through talcum powder. She's a very beautiful woman, though. She is. She is a very beautiful woman. But, as I say, now she believes in aliens, totally written her off.

Really? I hate anyone that likes aliens. It's just awful. She doesn't say she likes them. She says they exist. Yeah. She's awful if she says that aliens exist. Well,

I like her and I'm going to take a leaf out of her book. You take 26 pills a day. I shall be performing at the Leicester Square Theatre in January and February and I like to strain my pasta through a lacrosse stick. That should do it. On the subject

of you performing, we've had a text. It's slightly bizarre that you're being contacted in this way. You're slightly bizarre. Hi, Em and Alan. Me and my other half are coming down to see Frank tonight at the Lost Theatre. Can you ask Frank if he knows about the seating arrangements as we don't have any numbers on our tickets?

Oh, no! One other thing. Can you ask him why he isn't doing anything? I'll think of the time. What sort of a shamble set-up is this? I think it's on reserve seating, so it's a bit first-come, first-served. There'll be a queue.

I'm not coming, isn't it? Pile in and just get ready to elbow-fuck out of the way. But, you know, it's a smallish place, Anne. Is it? So don't worry if you're at the back. I'll project. OK. One other thing.

Can you ask him why he isn't... I'll vomit. I hadn't finished talking. I'll vomit. Project, I'll vomit. I hadn't finished talking. I'll vomit. Projectile vomit. Can you ask Frank why he isn't doing any dates in Brum? He's causing my other half lots of stress when I announce to him that we're going to see him any more than 20 miles away from where we live.

P.S. Tell Frank I am really looking forward to seeing him later. She's really looking forward to seeing you later. There you go. Who is? Anne. Oh, Anne. That's lovely. Yeah, that's lovely. No, I'm just doing some gigs in London at the moment. In the Lost Theatre, which is small.

It's a combination of, you know, desperate urge to stand up, but a bit worried about petrol money. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio. Can I just give a hats off to Nigel Frost who's emailed us about real aliens

saying... Real ale? You can't give a hats off if you're a BG or Dave Stewart. Real ale. Very good. Can we go to email corner, Frank, briefly? Because I have a missive.

You're a bit Star Trek. This is a missive from Ed, 933. He says, Dear Frank M and Cocker the Walk. I still quite like the Cock's Portif. Do you? Yeah. Cocker the Walk's good. I like Cocker the Walk. Cocker the Walk. I still quite like Lecoq's Portif. Do you? Yeah. Cocker the Walk's good. I like Cocker the Walk.

Cocker the Walk. Maybe I could walk in Lecoq's Portif footwear, perhaps. For years, I thought that singer Morrissey was also actor Morrissey. I think he means David Morrissey. David Morrissey, yeah. And every time I saw actor Morrissey on screen, notably in the Doctor Who Christmas special, I begrudgingly thought,

no matter how much of a whiny so-and-so you are, you can't be all bad, because the characters you play are likeable and engaging. And literally, just now comes the realisation that they're two different people. All the best, Ed. Blimey. That can't be right, really?

Although I must say, Ed, in case you don't know, they are both Neil Morrissey. Yeah. I was either one that pretended to be a lad just yeah yeah well he's the one they really pretended to go beers and they didn't oh i wish we could have a red wine darling pretending to drink this beer it's a nightmare pretending he found me i must have told you he phoned me up once out the blue via my agent whosey? Via my agent. Who? David or Neil? Neil Morrissey. Oh, yeah. And said, would you like to, would Frank like to come with me to see Van Morrison at, which is even more confusing.

Just the two of you? Yeah. It was a date. So you and Neil Morrissey were going to Van Morrison. I said I thought you were Van Morrison. In a Morris minor. That's the next doctor. No, so me and my girlfriend,

so we went to Caesar's Palace, Luton. Right. But did he have someone with him? Yeah, he was with someone. And then we went to Motowway Services for beans on toast. You've never told me this! Yeah. And then...

You should see the producer's face right now. He looks stricken. Yeah, and then we went, that was it then. Is he a nice chap, is he? He's very nice. But I never... Now I tell it now, some ten years later, I probably should have invited him to something at some point after that.

Oh, he's still waiting. Oh, no, I hope he's not sitting by the phone as actors do. Yeah. No, it's out of the blue. We both looked at Alan. Yeah, I'm an actor now. You're the go-to person. You're in the actor's chair now.

I'm an actor now, yeah. I'm not a fan of Van particularly. Van Morrison? I did like the van. He took him in a van. It was a Ford Transit. Well, it wasn't Luton. Yeah. It's a did like the van. He took him in a van. It was a Ford Transit. Well, it wasn't looting. Yeah.

It was a looting van. The whole experience could be described as a looting van. How marvellous. Anyway, it's not, they're not the same person. You're well, you're right to identify that. Yeah. What a, that's a, can that be true? He's head pulling out legs.

This is one of those made-up ones. Do you think? I think. I'm wondering. I don't know. Are you calling him a liar? Yeah, a bit. OK, anyway, we can sit here rattling all day, but, you know, I have important things to do. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

We've had a lovely email in, Frank. Good. That's what I want to hear. This is from Lee Neville. Prisoner 546. Well, he's given us both monikers, which is quite useful. Dear Frank Cockrell and the lovely Miss Dean, last week you were talking about people recounting conversations and starting the reported speech with, oh.

That was me. I got caught, didn't I? I got sprung with. Go on, Frank. What did you like to pray see very briefly? Yeah, so I said, so I saw a thing and I said, oh, I saw you there. And they said, oh, well, I never, and of course they didn't say oh. But you're doing it to establish that this is someone else's voice. You're saying, this is them now. This is them speaking. Yeah, and in Mike Yardwood establish this is someone else's voice this is them speaking yeah and mike yallwood this is them um anyway league continues i've noticed something else in a similar vein an ex-flatmate and dear friend of mine obviously it was business um would come home of a night and

recount in a fair amount of detail conversations she'd had that day at work invariably each part of reported speech would start with so i turn around and said and he turned around and said when i realized she was doing it i'd start keeping note of who was turning around at what point that's what that's the sort of pedantry that makes life worthwhile yeah there was a one in three chance that the two people would end up facing away from each other at the end of the conversation but this is how the ABBA girls got started. Did she turn round and say it? Yeah, she turned it.

Anne and the three turned round, didn't they? Or even better, one would be facing the back of the other's head. For particularly animated conversations, this would often get thrown in as well. So I sat down and said, as well as the turning round, once I noticed she was saying it, I could only concentrate on whirling dervish Jack in the Boxes,

sitting down and turning round frantically during an, if I'm honest, rather humdrum office conversation. But there must be people who said, so I turned round and said, oh, there must be people who combine. You barely get any facts. It's all trimmings. Yeah.

I love it. That's all trimmings. Yeah. I love it. That's a very fabulous email. Thank you. I think typical of our readers. Yes. It highlights pedantry. Yeah, but also, you know, keen observers of humanity. Oh, yeah.

I love it. Lee has a PS. With Frank's assertion that we should be saying tour of France and not tour de France, how do the team think you should describe being on your way somewhere? En route or en route? Oh, yeah, I go en route. So am I. Oh, you're Francais?

No, en. Oh. Awful. Yeah. I go Francais. But I go American en route. You go albino, though. An albino?

What is he, an albino, though. An albino? What is he, an albino? Yeah. Go on. No, no. I was going to say, we've also had a fabulous text titled That Old Chestnut. OK. We may well have.

Sounds like one of my former one-night stands. LAUGHTER It begins Love the Zidane theory about the chestnut. Oh, OK. William Diamond play in 1816, where the main character kept repeating the same joke throughout the story. The joke concerns a cork tree. On one occasion, another character, Pablo, fed up with the same joke, says, a chestnut.

I have heard you tell the joke 27 times, the same joke, says, a chestnut. I have heard you tell the joke 27 times and I'm sure it was a chestnut. So that's apparently where it came from, that old chestnut. And he says, I didn't Google, I asked Jeeves. I just asked my relatives. I love the show. Podcast reader in Zurich. And I'm Scottish. Alan's mum is a legend. That's true, she is. Well, she doesn't exist. No.

She exists. That's like our Wayne. She exists and is both legendary. I was a bit suspicious about this Nessie Cochran. In Zurich, I love Zurich. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Yeah, you can go to Cabaret Voltaire.

Yeah, and why not? Nice cafe. That's a ridiculous accent. How dare you. Why is that ridiculous? I thought that was good i know i know you would alan liked it i know but he has taste that speaks volumes absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio boys we need to talk about huey did you did you see this week well everyone was talking about it mug

smashing routine huey morgan off of um yeah what they're called i was going to call them fun loving criminals yeah yeah so he was on buzzcocks have you done buzzcocks frank i have i've hosted it and guested but i didn't break any uh crockery Ask me. Oh, have you done it? Yeah, once. Oh. Once. Hughie's done it about nine times, according to the paper. I did the Greek version. They do crockery every week. It's not big news, over there.

No. So, yeah, Hughie Morgan. It was Rizzle Kicks, wasn't it? They were hosting. I quite like those Rizzle Kicks. Yeah, you know, I'll be absolutely honest, I'd never heard of them before. Oh, they're good, though, Frank.

And I thought they were very funny and likeable. They're nice. So, in case you don't know what happened, when it got to the lyrics round, where you have to identify lyrics, they asked him a few of his own lyrics, which he thought was an outrageous... Even though it's happened to him seven times before, I'm sure.

It happens to every one of those. Well, I think that's his point, though. Like, we've done this. You know I can't remember how they've just come up with a new joke. But don't smash your mug. What if he blinded somebody? Can you imagine? What a way to go. You know, it was alright on TFI Friday when he was breaking mugs, because people had their protective

giant U2 heads on. But on there, I mean, it's actually it went in the hair of one of the it's actually, it went in the hair. It went in the hair. One of the Rizzlers. Although I think it rested in the hair. Yeah.

I picked it up and put it in there. It didn't really... Why do people do that? You're kind of smashing a promotional studio mug there. Yeah, it'll be plastic mugs next time though.

Do you think it will? That's what happens to health and safety. That makes sense to me. I had to sign a form in a hotel recently to borrow an iron in case it burned any of my clothes and I sued them. What have we done to the me. I had to sign a form in a hotel recently to borrow an iron in case it burned any of my clothes and I sued them.

What have we done to the world? I had to sign a form before I went on the one show the other night to say that I wouldn't use any adult language. Really? Did you? So you just said goo-goo-ga-ga all the way through the interview. Yeah, they were fine with it. You didn't speak properly at all. I had to sign a form when I went on my date the other week. What? To say I wouldn't end up in

Miles' biography. Blimey. I'm afraid I can't make any such promises. But you know what was weird was that he objected during, what's it called? He projected. He objected to me. He's called Uli. He objected.

Uli! Thank you. He sounds like one of the little Donaldald duck nephews i think he'd be a nice character um louis he what he objected to he said was having his lyrics repeated back to him yes that's a bit weird for a musician yeah because if you're the rolling stones that's all what happens when you play yeah i can't i can't work out why he got that upset and also it's like comics quite often have this happen where someone will say oh i remember that bit you used to do about um the hotel room and if you've forgotten it it's quite nice because you go oh yeah i like that joke i'll bring it back i'll put it back in and he seemed to be a bit upset you'd

think he'd go oh yeah i like that song i'll sing it next time I'm doing a live show. But he does wear a pinky ring. Oh, he does, doesn't he? Now, I used to watch Laverne and Shirley. And on there, one of them said one week, never trust a man in a pinky ring. And even though it was a throwaway line, in a nearly forgotten now American sitcom though it was a throwaway line, in a nearly forgotten

now American sitcom, it's always stuck with me. And if ever I see a man in a pinky ring, for English listeners, this is a ring on the little finger. I always think, hmm, not sure. Do you know what? I felt sorry, Frank. After he done the big storm out, there's a lot of admin

involved in leaving the studio. You can't really just storm out. He's got to take the mic pack off. Well, also... Go to the dressing room. Your car's here. Oh, embarrassing. It's not as young as it used to be. They say he stormed out, but it was quite...

It took quite a while. It was a bit of a shuffle. Oh, dear. So upset. Anyway, it was all good stuff, of course. So... Phil looked upset. Mark Crossley is coming up next, which is...

There's no sign of him. No. As opposed to March Crossley, which is what Huey Lewis did. Oh, Huey Lewis. I've done a terrible 80s amalgam. Anyway, thank you so much for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

And now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.