The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Parenting Rules

Episode Date: February 2, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week, Frank, Emily and Alun discuss parenting rules, monkeys in space and Prince Charles and Camilla's recent trip on the tube!

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hey, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text us if you'd like to sort of be part of the whole experience on 8-12-15. Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Or you can do none of those things and just be a passive listener, which I think is also OK. You can switch off. Or you can have it on but not really take any notice of it. All these options.

We've discovered that we have late-night texters, don't we? Yeah, Friday evenings. Friday evenings is a big night for us. Late-night texters. Your words Break my heart Leonard Cohen In town soon So we had one in at

I feel I should give the time 9.52pm last night Had a few drinks I reckon Well you never know, quite night in Dreams of Mr Radio This is from Jason Dear Mr Radio, Cocker Leiki and the sublime miss emily sublime now yeah cockaliki's not going anywhere that's hanging around forever isn't it exactly

he hates it i wouldn't say hates but i certainly don't love it oh well we are what we eat i dreamed last night dreamt that frank and I contributed to an advert for... Well, you say dreamt. Oh. But what about that song from South Pacific? I have dreamed that your arms are lovely. I have dreamed, you see. It's a bit more footballers' tense.

It works better. Oh, OK. I have dreamed and I've looked up and I've seen you. What about I dreamed a dream? Surely that's... It should be I dreamt a dream. I have dreamed a dream've looked up and I've seen you. What about I dreamed a dream? Surely that's... It should be I dreamt a dream. I have dreamed a dream. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, and I contributed to an advert for a fictional German beer, which I cannot pronounce the name of. In a dream? Yeah. OK. The visuals of this advert were simply three rows of bottles. This is you and this guy Jason in the dream in this ad. No, I get it. Three rows of bottles this is you and this guy jason in the dream in this ad

no i get it three rows of bottles green brown and clear all lined up behind one another frank and i provided the soundtrack to this advert the smooth 40s inspired jazz song which mainly consisted of the word bottles we harmonized beautifully i might add somewhat ironic seeing as Frank refuses to do adverts and has been sober since 1986. Yes, but it's been interesting Freudian analysis of all those. To me, the brown, the green, the clear all gathered together in harmony sounds like a marvellous symbol of a multicultural society. Lovely. Can I just add a postscript? Jason, 19, from Somerset.

Yes. Can you bookmark that, 19? Because he then says no nights moved this time I feel as if Emily has enough sausage on her dinner plate from plenty of other listeners perhaps I shall offer in the future when she has more free time

I'm talking about Harry Styles he's got plenty of time Somerset as well he'll be in with some box and wench in the hay. That's what they do there, isn't it? It is. And she'll come in with three or four brimming flagons of ale. But with like one of those off the shoulder, you know those gypsy blouses? Slightly elasticated.

Yeah, slightly elasticated. And she'll also, she'll have an elasticated sort of lacy cap that doesn't look on like the top yeah with me so it's almost like her upper bosom and face is like the the filling in a in a white lace sandwich and she'll come in and say what's he called jay jason hey jason you're looking you're looking nice today and he'll think here's my chance and then it'll all happen like that. Yeah. So I did with Rosie. So no wonder he didn't bother with the knight's move. Yeah. That's essentially the point. So I did with Rosie, or as they say in the usual suspects,

Ryder with Sosie. Which was that terrible threesome in the set in Somerset from the usual suspects. I think the scene was cut. Yeah, so anyway, good morning. Morning. It's been an interesting week. We were talking as we sat around before the show with our

feet up about the footballer Peter Odenwingi. Odenwingi, one of my favourites. Yeah. He's one of your lads. Yes, he plays for a team called West Bromwich Albion, who are very close to my heart, in case you don't know about football. And this week he drove to Queen's Park Rangers so he could play for them. Not realising that the system is a bit more elaborate than that.

You can't just pop in on the off chance. It's awful. I think it's fabulous. I love the spontaneity. You know, that football manager sitting in one day. Oh, hello. I wonder if I could come and play for your team. Well, I mean, have you spoke to anyone about it? It's not on, is it?

I like the idea that he actually, when he went back to Birmingham after being, because he got to the ground, in case you don't know, he got to the ground, they wouldn't even speak to him. It was all a bit embarrassing. Well, they're not allowed, are they? If they start speaking to him, then they're... They'll go, they're going down.

So he arrived and all the press was there, oh, here he is, and then he went in and then he came out again quite quickly. And, like, he just got in to grab a leaflet. I like the idea. I just want him to get a form. It'd be good if there was a receptionist that had to write on a pad,

we are not allowed to speak to you. And then just hold it on. But he I hope that he didn't just turn the car around and drive back to West Bromwich. I hope he reversed all the way. As if trying to reverse the act to erase it in some way.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. way absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio now uh oh by the way on the way in this morning i was listening to uh capital radio well the driver was and oh how was that um how are simply red they um they're made quite i know they're a bit more popular oh yes they are a bit more rihanna. Yeah. They said, the presenter person said, and tremendous news, Justin Timberlake has been confirmed for the Brits this year.

I thought, it's a very different world, isn't it? Because it wasn't about that he's doing it. He was confirmed, so obviously there's been a period of will he, won't he, and some anxiety, and this bloke could put everyone at ease. Well, that's nice, yeah. Yeah. How different, though. Look, he's just going. No, I think he's going to perform, there.

He's not doing an Odin wingie. He's not just turning up. No, I might turn up at Capital. What if I turned up at Capital and said, can I come and be a presenter here? That's what I did last week. You know, I had Saturday off. It was awkward. Really awkward. Sorry to hear that. Frank, can I just say, Anthony has tweeted us. Anthony, as in, you broke my heart. Anthony Tierney. That's Anthony in the Johnsons, Anthony. Oh, that Anthony. The one with the wig. Anthony Tierney. That can't be a wig. Is it really?

Who says, my seven-year-old daughter says you have the same head face as Craig Revel Horwood and wants to know if you're his brother. Is that head slash face or head face? Head hyphen face. Oh. Head face. I do have the same head face as Craig Revel Horwood. Yes, it's true.

I, um... Do I? I never thought it might... I think of him as quite a handsome man, and I think of him often, Craig Revell Horwood. Yeah. But I don't look at him and think, is that a mirror?

Oh, no, it's Craig Revell Horwood. You're more a Norton slash Tompkinson hybrid. Yeah, you see. You've already established. But, you know, of course, we cannot see through the child's eyes. That's what happens to adulthood. But, you know, of course we cannot see through the child's eyes. That's what happens to adulthood.

To children, probably many of them think, oh, there's that man off Strictly Come Dancing when I go down the street. You are very interested in the musical theatre as well, aren't you? Meaning? Just saying. Just saying. OK. So what did you do on your birthday?

You had your birthday this week. Well, it was lovely, actually. It was really lovely. I had got presents, which I didn't anticipate. I got presents from... You didn't anticipate presents? No. On your birthday? I don't really do presents.

Oh. So me and my girlfriend, we have a pact that we know the presents, and then she surprised me with some presents. Did she? Well, that's the best sort of pack, isn't it? I got up in the morning, there was a birthday cake smouldering on the table. Oh.

That's brilliant. She put it in for too long. It was lovely. I blew it out with those armpit squelches. Oh, yeah. You know those armpit... I can't do it now because I've got a top on. Maybe the next break. Yeah, I managed to blow the candles out with that. I thought, you know, Oh, yeah. a fiancé. Nice. And you were nice? Well, we went to what they call a pop-up restaurant.

Oh, yeah. I love a pop-up. Yes. I love a pop-up. I'm all about the transient. Yeah. I was hoping for a pop-up menu. You know, when you open it, I thought all the food will be 3D. Didn't happen. But there was an interesting thing. At the end of the night, the waitress came over

and said, we don't charge for dessert because it is this person. I thought, well, it's not the loveliest acknowledgement of my work over the last 25 years I've ever had, but I'll settle for it. £4.50 I saved. So whenever people talk to you about the price of fame, when you decide what it is, knock £4.50 off it. So whenever people talk to you about the price of fame, and when you decide what it is, knock £4.50 off it. That's my advice.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What else? Yes, my birthday I was talking about. Have we been from the outside world, by the way? Oh, yeah, we've had all sorts of texts and emails.

Oh, good. 8, 12, 15, if you're interested. If you're not. Well. Can I say? Okay, so what I did on the morning of my birthday, I thought I'll be a bit wacky. I've got a tiger onesie.

Oh, lovely. You know, it's a tiger print with the hood and ears. Attendant ears, let's call them that. And I thought, what I'll do is, my baby, who's eight months now, has never seen this onesie. So I'll just turn up downstairs and he'll, you know, what? He'll laugh. And it'll just be a great start.

It'll show I've still got it. Yeah. You know, because on your birthday, you just think, I wonder if the comedy stopped last night. And this is now, this is the rest of my life have been. Yeah. So I got me one, you know, went downstairs. Buzzy!

Buzzy and turned up with the big thing. Oh, did he love it? Not only did he not smile even, but I felt that he gave me a sort of a perfunctory nod of sort of, yeah. I see what you're trying to do there. Yeah, okay. Like that. So I just went

back up and got changed and came down again. Just pretended the whole thing. And then did you go for some verbal stuff rather than the visual? Well, you know, what I need to do is a couple of new material gigs with some other kids to try out some stuff. And then, you know, when I feel I've really got it worked, then I can kind of present it to him. I think turning up in the ones he might work next year as well.

He will probably have forgotten that he tried it this year. Now, once a joke doesn't work, it's got to go. It could land really big next year, though. A year's time. He'd be old enough to see that you're in a... It'll be a different demographic entirely. For all we know, the first time Bernie Clifton came on in The Ostrich, people might have gone

it's fine. He hadn't quite got the angle. The next time, the rest is history. There's time in comedy, isn't there, a lot of it? So that was my start to the day. And then included in my lovely books was... I bought some books and some other stuff.

I won't go into details because people, well, they don't care. But I was bought... Hang on, we can't influence that rule. I got a Frank Attardis bin, FYI. Yes. I heard, yeah. That was brilliant. I've used it many times this week.

I'm throwing stuff away just to hear the noise. Stuff I want. I threw about 500 quid's worth of notes in there this week. Did you? Yeah, I'll get them out now. I don't want the cleaner to think it's some sort of software tip. My cleaner... That'll be that bank you went with. I told you not to go with them.

My cleaner does this brilliant thing. Have I told you this? She buys me sort of cleaner-based items as gifts. Oh, as presents? Yeah, for Christmas. What sort of thing? She got me and Kath a designer tea towel. Yes.

I love that anyway so um one of the things was a sort of a comic book collection thing by um a writer called chris ware are you familiar oh yes i'm very familiar and anyway i lay in bed the next day no i didn't let it be and i said i was out and i thought yeah, I've got those things to look at when I get back. Bye, bye, um, bye, uh, and I couldn't remember Chris Ware's name. And you know I have this belief that you must never Google anything you can't remember, only what you don't know. Yeah. Quite Calvinistic about that. Well, you've got to be, it's good for the brain as well to remember.

It took me three hours. And not only... But you got there yeah but it physically hurt me i tried so hard to remember i'm not joking i gotta it's a sort of a headache it's not like a pain headache it's like have you ever had your your head shot in the doors of a lift it happened to me this morning actually did it Did it? Kerry did it, by mistake. Yeah, you know when you pee her out last minute and they shut, and it's that terrible, um, that terrible

sense of being, that's what it felt like. And what about, um, when it came back to you, was there a release, a relief? Well, such was my, I mean, the doors had been shut on me so long, the release wasn't as marvellous as you thought, but I still think that, you know,

it's a good thing to do. Some people, you say, oh, who was that going? And they get the smartphone out. I mean, I just smack it straight out their hands. Are you laughing at the use of smartphone? They get the smartphone out. That's what they call them, isn't it? I got that wrong.

I was West Brom manager. By the time you started saying the web or something. What? A smartphone is the correct terminology. I turned on the Google he said. Look I can't be naming brands on here. We've got our people to think of.

Our advertisers. Anyway I'm very much against it. So from now on I shall refer in a poetic style to what I shall call the lift doors of remembrance. When you're trying to remember something. But please, I beseech the listeners, don't look up stuff you can't remember, because it's in there.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from the outside world. Again? This is from Paul Callow. No relation. Well, I hope so. We talk of Simon, obviously. One of our favourite thesps.

We saw him in Edinburgh playing a lady. When is someone going to rescue Charles Dickens from Simon Callow? I feel he's taken it over and spoiled it completely. I can't even look at Charles Dickens now. I mean, in a picture, obviously. I don't have him in my house. Isn't he on money? Isn't he on money, Charles Dickens?

I wish it was more evident from Simon. I think he might be on money. Let me have a look. Keep on talking amongst yourselves. Michael Faraday is my favourite on money. Just explain to the listenership, Frank has every single note in his wallet. That's how he's rolling. Adam Smith. Adam Smith, he every single note in his wallet. Yeah, Adam Smith.

Adam Smith, he's on a 20. Yeah. No, keep talking. Elizabeth Fry, prison reformer. Oh, that's a five-er. I don't deal with those greenies. Oh, you know people are going to text us. David Walliams.

I know that is actually the Queen. It does look like, if you look now, it could be the same. Anyway. Okay, so Paul Callow says, Hi, Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. My wife was watching Dirty Dancing earlier this week, and during the film it dawned on me

that the main female character's name was Baby Houseman. Okay. Would this set off the A.E. Houseman siren? Well, obviously Baby Houseman didn't, but once you put the A in... It's interesting because anyone who... If you've been to Westminster Abbey, will know of Poets' Corner there,

where many of the great writers... And A.E. Houseman was refused to be buried in there. Is that right? And they actually said nobody puts Baby Houseman in the corner. It's a joke that you wouldn't have a chance to use every day. We really thought that we were getting some literary history there. Well, I can throw in literary history if you like. Well, that's one. You know what I've got a bag full.

Can I throw in a bit of show history? Morning, Mr Radio. Is Rachel's can you please play her jingle for old time's sake, now fiancé so of course Rachel is... Rachel is my girlfriend's sister. Yeah. Sorry, I forgot. Is Rachel's now fiancé

the same bloke you had a heated argument with one evening about whether or not airliners had a row 13 that has been that's like 18 months ago or two years no longer than that two years ago well remembered i've been through about nine since then about nine i've been through since then it turns out people listen oh that's great lying no no it's not it's not. It's not the same. He says, by the way, do they? I don't recall hearing the end to that debate.

Well, how it turned out was that I did Google that because I didn't know, you see. I just had that strong... And some do and some don't. But quite a lot of airlines don't have a row 13 because people won't buy tickets for it because they think it's unlucky, as if the other rows aren't going to go down with them. I don't know quite how that would work. I suppose it could fold into a big pleat

and they could be crushed in that. A David? A David Placard. Well remembered. He wasn't one of your past, was he? No! One of the nine. It's all right to ask. Absolute, absolute

radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I'm afraid your pronunciation has been placed under some scrutiny this morning. You're having a laugh, ain't ya? You were talking earlier about getting a free dessert

um and richard has tweeted us to say where was the desert i'd have been happy with a dessert we've also had a tweet well yeah did i say desert then i don't think i did did i is that terrible you know that terrible moment when somebody says, oh, you mean, and you say, that's what I said. And they said, no, no, no, you didn't say that. And you have that terrible doubt because you think, well, no one would lie about that kind of thing. Well, I hate to say it, but he has a seconder because Jim says, was it the Gobi Desert or

the Sahara Desert? Or do you mean a dessert? Ha ha lol. Now, he's put a lol on the end, but he it's still he's still admonishing you he is right i mean you know i'm i'm an old man commander it's weird if you did that's what they used to be the villain well not the villain but the assistant to the villain in stingray was a character called x20 and he used to be in his secret island hideaway with all this machinery. All this machinery and stuff.

And then they'd come round to Wasp. Wasp associates, who were the good guys, would come and visit. And he'd press a button and all the machinery and that would just turn into armchairs and things. And they'd say, well, there's been signals coming from here to Titans, evil droves. And he'd say, I'm just an old man, Commander. I feel I'm now able to use that as an excuse for almost anything. You are. You are. I should be glad of that when the police come.

I think we would have noticed had you said desert in a conversation. I mean, there's people in the room that would have... Well, look, just think how lucky the people listening to this on podcast are. They think, well, I'll go check that. Yeah. I mean, I don't like to brag, but I have an acerbic wit. If you make a mistake like that, I would pounce. You would?

I think I'd tear you apart. You're like Crouch Tiger Hidden Sausage. He's like Crouch. That's what he's like. I'm like Crouch. Oh, I hated that argument you had this morning about Peter Crouch. very good goals per game we did we had a peter they had a row about peter crouch which was quite depressing very impressive goals per game though the goals per game my point was and now it's happening again if you're back in the room if i was on the periphery of a free

kick or corner hodl in a football match and i threw a bicycle into the air, it would get 20 goals a season, Peter Crouch style. If you throw anything spiky and sharp at people, it's awkward and that's how he operates. Anyway, we're not here to talk about football. We're not. There's another email that I'd like to question you with.

Okay. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. I feel I'm being terrorised. Oh, Frank, it's all gone a bit retarded. Put that bright light on his face and let me ask him this question. You won't like it. Another piece about Paul Richardson, the sculptor. You mentioned him a few weeks back about Monopoly pieces. Do you remember we were talking about big chess pieces

and then it moved on to Monopoly pieces. While Frank was comparing at a pub in the Hare and Hounds or maybe the Fox in Birmingham, Paul, a very dyslexic chap, won a competition by all his friends writing his name down and putting them in a hat and Frank pulling his name out. But there wasn't a T-shirt for a prize, so Frank took his shirt off his back and gave him that.

Such larks. Do you remember that? Is that true? I don't remember. Well, it depends when it was. That's from Christine the Curtain Maker from Swilland. Christine the Curtain Maker? Yeah. That's the village that we lived in.

That was our names. That was when you were in Bellamore. Exactly. I remember that. Lovely, that house. I don't remember that happening, but that's not to say that it didn't. The Hare and Hounds was the pub, but I used to do these gigs in Birmingham, and they were still, I think, the most enjoyable work I've ever done in my life.

Wow. And things like that happened on a regular basis. I used to do material about, like, the shop two doors away. It was the most fabulously localised. Anyway, you don't know anything about an old man's reminiscences? I'm just an old man, give it! I'm going to shoot you anyway. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an email from Phil Collins. Oh, yeah? What? He says... I'm not saying it. No. He's not going to say that he watched somebody drowning, another person, didn't do anything about it,

and then wrote a song about it. No, there's no open myths here. OK. He's from Nottingham. Firstly, he'd like to confirm that 90% of airlines do have a row 13. I'm in aviation. 90%. So you can bank that.

He says it's much more prevalent in hotels that they don't have a 13th floor which is interesting but he also says I'm keen to know the show's opinion on the high five I can see well they don't have a high 13 if that's what you're asking unless it's Anne Boleyn was it Anne Boleyn who had six fingers you all know yes yeah I can see the usage in sport and I in fact do use it when a goal is scored in football or a particularly good point played in squash, getting the measure of Phil Collings. But I feel that in other aspects of life it's gone too far. I witnessed the other day a high-five being used as an acknowledgement of someone turning up to work on time.

What does that say about the modern world? Okay. Yeah. What does that say about the modern world? OK. Yeah. He says, in a similar way to Emily last week making a point that people with property shouldn't throw snowballs, I feel that people over the age of eight shouldn't high-five unless in the sporting theatre. What's your opinion, Chaps?

Well, I have to say... You're not a high-fiver, are you? Well, how can I put this? I recently recorded what one might call a mainstream entertainment show for BBC One. Shiny Floor. Yeah, very Shiny Floor. And Shiny Shoes. We'll get emails about them.

Yes. If you want shoes on Room World or anything to go by. It's not out yet, so I'm making the best of it. I'm using up all my credibility now. But anyway, it's recorded, and I've watched a sort of a rough cut of a bit of it, and if our team get a question, you can tell I can hardly get these words out. If our team get a question, I do high five. Okay.

And when I was watching it, I mean, I couldn't see all of it, obviously, from under the desk where I was watching it from by this day. But it didn't. You think, sit down, you know, sit down and stop doing that. Yeah, it's a thing that you've got to have your baseball cap the wrong way around to be high-fiving. And it did look terrible. So if I'd have heard this a couple of weeks ago,

I thought we'd have been a bit harsh, but having seen myself high-fiving, it's one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. And I'm including dancing with my trousers and pants down in front of kenny ball and his jazz men in a birmingham pub some refuse ricky gervais partner jane once refused my high five attempt she left you hanging i went to high five and she went oh my oh don't do that oh i got left hanging it was like yeah oh yeah i think that's more embarrassing than turning up at QPR in your car.

Being left hanging is really embarrassing. I think, yeah, I know what you mean. When I did the Room 101 first series, Larry Lamb... I was going to say Lance Armstrong, I missed that one. Larry Lamb put in high fives. And I thought it was a relatively modern phenomenon. We had a picture of a woman band from the 1940s who were singing about, like, give me five, and they were all high-fiving each other.

You know, I once had a terrible low-five situation with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He offered me a low-five. I'd never seen one before. So I sort of leaned right over and did a terrible sideways handshake. And he just, he looked at me and, well, frankly, he's never come back. Despite his promises. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skin. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio in Texas on 8-12-15 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Biscuits. Homer Simpson in the studio. Homer Simpson in the studio. Frank, there's been a couple of hot philanthropists in the news this week. It's dying out, isn't it, I thought,

because I always think it was a 19th century thing, philanthropy. Yes, I think so. They used to get, like, Mr Tate. I thought it was back. I think it is back, but I think of it as very Victorian. I didn't think people cared any more. You know, after all those years of Thatcherism, we're always told to look out for ourselves. Turns out, no.

Bill Gates. Oh, yeah. Mr Generous. He's one of the big ones, isn't he? I wish he'd get involved in a scandal, though, just so it could be called Gatesgate. He missed a generous, but not to his family. Well.

Because he said there's some sort of insights into his family rules he's revealed firstly did you read a while back does he say my gaff my rules he does say that yeah brilliant but the first thing he said he announced he wouldn't be giving his fortune to his children because he says money's corrupting and also he said it won't benefit them or society yeah Yeah, I like that. I'd like to have seen their Rick to smiles when he announced that. He didn't mind having it. I like the fact that he says it won't be good for them or society.

It's like, I wield a lot of power. Yeah, he does, though, I suppose. Don't they do it in wartime? Don't they often drop cash to the country that they're attacking to distort their economy? Doesn't that a thing? I think they did it in the Second World War. I like the sound. I imagine that.

Oh, I'd love to be in that country. Someone's going to text in saying, this is what happened. I'd love my economy distorted. They wouldn't drop real stuff. They'd drop real stuff to distort the currency and make it all a bit confused. And that's what Bill Gates is saying, that he couldn't let his kids have all his money or they would go out and before you know it, everything would be a quid.

Well, he's quite strict. Yeah, he sounds quite strict, yeah. He says they're not allowed mobile phones until they're 13. No. It's strict mondo, I thought that was. I think that's all right, isn't it? I mean, it's an expensive gadget. You don't want a nine-year-old

wandering about with it in case they smash it up. Well, they have to do housework as well. What's the point of being with Bill Gates? It's too strict. You know, you can't have her mobile until you're 13. You have to do household chores. And if you get kidnapped, you're on your own. Well, that would be like Getty.

Yeah, when they sent the ear to the post office. I'd say they sent the ear to the post office. I'd say they send the ear sellotape to a mobile phone. No, I think you've got to give them a... Obviously, you know, I'm in this position myself with my child. Am I going to give him nothing at the end of it? You're a billionaire. No, but, you know...

I mean, I knew you'd done all right. As you know, I'll give somebody the shirt off my back. But what am I supposed to do? Give it to the dog's home and say, no, it's better that you start out like me in a council house and roughy? I can't do that, can you? There's a great Bill Gates quote that I read where apparently he tipped $2 for a lunch he'd had

and the waiter said, oh, Mr Gates, you've only tipped $2. Your son was in here the other day and he tipped $100. And apparently Bill Gates said, well, he's the son of a billionaire and I'm the son of a farmer. So that's pretty cool, isn't it? I like that. He's as sharp as a tack, Bill. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about Bill Gates, Frank.

We were. You thought it was unreasonable that he wouldn't let his children have a mobile phone till 13. Well, you know, we had rules in our house, obviously. I should say so. Every parent has his, you know, do's and don'ts. What were your dad's rules then? Well, I would tell you, but I feel it makes me sound a little bit dated. Oh, bring it on.

One of them was don't throw bread on the fire. Oh. Because poor people don't have bread. Oh. Or fire. That sounds like a Thomas Hardy novel. I love it. Yeah, exactly.

He was really strict on that, that you had to eat bread. Or you could put it in the bin. Really? We had that. We could put it in the fondue at the dinner party. Oh, yeah. Don't leave it there. Well, we could put it in the bin because poor people are still in with a chance then.

Right. Oh, yeah. You know, you've got to be in it to win it when it comes to bins. Not now that they've got the cages on, haven't they? No, I haven't seen the cages. I've heard about it, though. KG bin. We had, my dad was a telly snob, so we weren't allowed to watch Tiswas,

but we were allowed Swap Shop, because my dad said ITV's output was kind of mindless dross, largely. He was very strict. Your dad was an actor, was he? No, he was a TV producer for the BBC. OK. He wouldn't let us watch ITV. Yeah, he probably had an incident with ITV. It was a bit of a assault.

Yeah. Also, we couldn't leave knives crossed, because it brings the devil. Oh, right. That was the other thing. No, to be fair to him, he never... Extraordinary childhood. He never asked for my passwords for any of my social network sites.

So, yeah, he was strict on the cross knives. Was he? Even if you were washing up, which obviously we weren't, and two knives accidentally crossed, they had to be uncrossed immediately. Fair enough, I think. What happened at Kokoliki Towers? Did you have rules?

Oh, yeah, all sorts of rules. My mum's rules were a bit sort of juvenile, really. That's because you were children. Yeah, whoever smelt it dealt it. No, no. What goes on toast stays on toast. What goes on toast stays on toast. I can't really think of anything particularly...

I don't think she was that sort of strict she was a bit loose wasn't as superstitious crossing knives and the devil turning up isn't superstition well is that superstition or is it you know

science is it just a wisdom of the old world you might have had something like... I don't know if you had this in your family, Frank. You might have. We had, it's bad manners to ask friends for autographs. That was one that we had. No, we didn't.

We never had that. We never had that, no. I don't remember that. I thought that would be a really nice bonding experience for the three of us. For us all, yeah. It doesn't ring any bells, have it? I wasn't allowed to watch The Young Ones. It was considered too far on.

It was a bit like, you know, it's not right for you. Yeah, I can see that. It could be crude in parts. Yeah, it was. I just watched it at a friend's house on video. Oh, yeah? How was it? It was good. It was good fun. If your mum's listening to this, are you in trouble? I might be in trouble and she might be. It's about time, isn't it, that we heard from the outside world again.

What have we got? Well, we've had an email in on rules as a child, which I love. We were allowed one comic per week that my parents bought. Oh, I think you used to be on that rule, didn't you? Em? We weren't allowed any strip cartoon comics, such as the Beano or Dandy Because they didn't promote good reading skills

Now this is a problem I have with comics And people like you and Jonathan Ross That all read comic books And bang on about how great they are My problem with them is that I don't know which bubble I'm meant to read next People like you and Jonathan Ross Why can't they just write them in a proper line

No but you get a sense of that That's something that comes from experience. I'll tell you, I learnt... I didn't read a book. I read my first novel when I was 21. Basically everything I know for the first 20 years of my life came from comic books. Hmm.

You all right with that? I'm all right with it, yeah. OK. I still am a bit... But most people that like comic books... But surely I'm one of the cleverest people you know. Yeah, I would say so. Well, there you go.

Well, David Baddiel said that to me once. He never said why not. He didn't say surely. He wouldn't say either of those. So this person then had to get Look and Learn. Oh, Look and Learn. Later I managed to persuade my mum to let me have Shoot magazine, and I like the fact that they've put the exclamation mark,

you know, the football magazine. Yeah. Lovely accuracy. We could only have Bino in the... See, it's promoted good reading and writing skills the rules we could only have Bino and the dandy if we bought it with our holiday money so at least I got the summer specials that's nice isn't it oh it's strict though isn't this good though it's strict but I think learn was a very. Lush and Learn was a very middle-class comic. He used to have, like... He used to have, like, Donald Campbell's Blue Bird. Yes.

You know, when he broke the world land speed record. But he used to have it like a cotter wire so you could see all the engine and everything. Who cares about that? Rubbish. When people can fly. That's a good note. I like that.

I like its strictness. Yeah. What other? Should we go to E-mail Corner? I think we should Hold on, hold on, I'm going to go there Why don't we all sing it this week? Oh no Come on, three part harmony E-mail Corner

That to me felt like when you see those Buddhist monks all chanting together and they become as one. It was very as one. Their separate identities dissolve, and one spiritual flame joins them all, and that's how that was for me. I like my Ina Sharples deskant. I thought it was good.

Yes, it's the best piece of Coronation Street memorabilia I've ever seen. OK, what have we got? OK, I'll kick off with email one. Why not? Mr Radio, The Divine Miss M and Cock-a-doodle-don't. He's got all the... He gets all the nicknames. He really does.

Oh, all of them. And he's a great person to invent them for, because he really loves them. Love it, yes. I thought you were just going to say he's a great person and leave it at that. Read your recent debate over the provenance of discarded shoes along the highways and byways of our great land. Yes, we've had a few emails and stuff about people seeing shoes on the side of the road and where do they come from. I have a theory about this phenomenon okay who is this from this

is from darren okay but don't hold that against him i only formulated it recently after witnessing a strange event on the stratford to stansted to stansted airport bus i witnessed a youngish chap furtively get up from his seat beside his girlfriend and walk to a double seat of his own nothing odd about that perhaps they'd had a row and it was his way of flouncing off yeah however when we got to stansted after my wife daughter and i got off the bus i glanced back and noted that he was tipping up his shoe and pouring an unidentified liquid from it suffice to say he might have very sweaty feet well darren says i don't think that'd inadvertently spilled apple juice into his shoe.

No. The driver was looking on. I got the impression that he'd seen this on countless occasions. The man proceeded to put said shoe back on, noting that we'd witnessed the whole event. He gave us a sheepish smile on his way past. So Darren thinks that the abandoned shoes are impromptu emergency vessels

until his gentlemen take their ease. Sort of a shoe wee. Very good. Yeah. Well, I've never heard of that before. That does sound... Have you ever done it? We used to soak our football boots in urine.

What? To soften the... When you say wee, that was so R. Keith, wasn't it? Well, I meant, yes. I knew it was R. Keith. No, the kids at my school, a lot of us did it. It used to soften the... When you say we, that was so R. Keith, wasn't it? Well, I meant, yes. I knew it was R. Keith. No, the kids at my school, a lot of us did it. It used to soften the leather quite a bit. And it made drug testing, obviously, a lot easier

because the kit man could do it. If you weren't there. And also, I think he used to sell our boot laces as Harry Bo Sour Spaghetti. No, but it was, yeah, that was a normal thing to do. So I'm not anti sort of a urine shoe juxtaposition. No, I'm not anti it. Good.

Because I don't want the readers going, I hate the readers. I think some people... That's gone a bit Beano and Dandy. I think some people get this've gone a bit Beano and Dandy. I think some people get this... They get the transcript. Those people who can't download. I hope so. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in email corner, I think. That's where we dwelleth. We're in email corner. Here's an email.

Seems appropriate. Yeah. Hi Frank, Emily and Alan. I'm sure I heard an inadvertent quip on last week's show. Well, we do them all, don't we? I can't stop myself. We did a lot of advertent ones and I was surprised nobody seemed to pick up on it. During the bit where

Frank was talking about Lance Armstrong's appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show, it was mentioned that Lance didn't cry during the interview, to which Frank said he can't cry anymore. Can't cry anymore is a well-known song by Sheryl Crow. Yeah, that's what I meant. Who is, of course, dot dot

dot, Mrs Lance Armstrong. Well, she isn't. She isn't. She was his fiancée and then they broke up. She was involved with him. Yeah, they went out for about three years and I believe he broke up with her because she wanted children and then he went off and had children with somebody else, which just looks bad, doesn't it?

That's the measure of the man. Wouldn't have expected Alan or Frank to spot this with their aversion to modern music. I don't know where that's come from. No, I don't. But I would have thought... I'm the only person on this station who plays. Unless you kept the playlist.

Yeah. You play new stuff all the time. Oh, God. He's into his new wave. And here's another one that's... Actually not. Unless, of course, you're listening to this on one of our digital channels, in which case I just play old stuff.

Here's a curveball. Wouldn't have thought Alan or Frank... Wouldn't have expected Alan or Frank to spot this with their aversion to modern music, but I would have thought Emily or the producer might have, being young and cool as they are. Oh, back of the net. Very happy with that, Frank.

Unbelievable. Yeah. That's nice. Helps to keep us sane in Thailand. If you're going insane in Thailand, go somewhere else for a bit. Yeah. Who's that from?

It's from Roger Mart. Roger Mart? Well, I enjoyed that exchange. So, I interviewed Cheryl Crow once. Very lovely. Did you, darling? How was she? She's worked with them all.

She's a nice looker. I still feel guilty about the crow's nest joke I did. Oh, you didn't? Yeah. Please tell me you didn't do that. You don't feel guilty about it? You're repeating it now. No, I'm not repeating it exactly.

I'm referring to it. Well, I don't like the sound. No. Who'd have thought there was a career in breakfast radio waiting for me in those days? Get your mouth out the gutter. That's what I did. Keep the party clean. Frank frank we've had a tweet as well i know we're an email corner no it's okay i can go on to the grassy knoll

it's fine triangle or something triangle that'd be good where tweets go missing yeah oh yeah talking about parental rules we were, in a Yoda way. You know what? Do you think we can hold this? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Hey there, mama, see the way you move? Gonna make you swear, I'm gonna make you grow. Also, that would have been better if Bob Plant had done the lit guitar bit as well I liked it I felt like I was transported back to yours and Arkeed's bedroom I remember me and a few mates came up with that as an idea Do we have to learn instruments? What about if we just go

Assume the guitar part Yeah and everyone Someone going That would have caught on, couldn't it? I mean, it works in vocal groups, doesn't it? But they don't actually do the instruments. That's a shame. But imagine then the other guy going...

Yeah. It'll be on YouTube somewhere. So I was mid-tweet and I was interrupted. You were, sorry. By the travel. By the travel. Yeah. It comes first.

It does. The tweeter says, these were family rules, tidy rooms before bed, I've got the bag of doom. Anything left out goes in the bag for three days. They enjoy it. Do you know what, that is a great rule. There's a common sense to that rule. And I, for a little while. What if it's a sandwich, though?

all and i for a little while for a little while i tried to uh encourage our little boy to tidy up his toys in the living room before going upstairs to get ready for bed and it lasted a few days but it was paradise that that thing of going downstairs and knowing that you can just put the telly on and sit down and not have to tidy up toys and also knowing that you're not going to step on Lego or a little toy soldier the most painful, it's really get a cleaner what to come every night at 7 o'clock you can cope for a few days I wade through toys now every morning

oh no, they're not as spiky yet the toys for Buzz will be little and gentle won't they, they're not as spiky wait till they get spiky, it'll really hurt I'll get a cable car when they get spiky. You'll get staff coming. I'll travel around the lounge, slightly suspended.

We also had somebody text saying that they were never allowed to eat walking along the road as a child. Again, that is a good common sense rule. A number of times you have to tell kids to not run and eat at the same time. It's good practice. No, but I think that's... If ever they get a job as a salaryman in Japan, they'll be glad of that kind of economy.

Yeah. I don't know, I love eating when I'm walking. I really think, oh, great, this is that multitasking that men aren't supposed to be able to do. I feel proud. I look at people, and the look I give them is, yes, I'm eating and walking. See, a lot of people have a gastrointestinal role in Huddersfield. Will you have And the look I give them is, yes, I'm eating and walking. See, a lot of people have a

good roll in Huddersfield. Carbohydrates while you walk? I'll have anything. I mean, obviously, chips, all that. But I'll buy a pie. There's a very good mobile snack, the chip. Yeah, and the pie. Because the crumbs... Pie! A pie! While you walk down the street.

Yeah, and then the crumbs drop behind you so if... You're an animal. If senility kicks in mid-pile, I can be found. And I just trail the crumbs. Kidney all down your tie. I just love the fact that I can't... Think of those people who can't walk or eat.

Unless you're doing both. Yeah. Is that fair? What a life. Yeah. It's like those people who are good at football and cricket. Obviously it's not as unusual.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had further news in on your pronunciation this morning. We're always getting texts asking about how you say stuff. Really? Here's an email. Been listening to loads of

the podcasts. Does Frank pronounce cliche as cliche instead of cliche? I love it when he says it like that. Really can. Ironically. Or is it a West Brom thing? Great show. It's certainly not a West Brom thing. I don't think we ever say it. I don't think I knew what it meant then

when I lived there. Didn't you? No. Cliché. Well, I just like it. I think I started off ironic and now it's become part of your lexicon. Yeah, I like cliché. There's certain French words I could just say all day for the

pleasure of them. Necliché. I mean fantastic. Oh, God. I've also moved towards broch fantastic. Oh, God. I've also moved towards brochure. Brochure. I don't think that's a French word, but it seems that there's something lovely about it. I might get the brochure and find out more

about it. I love that. Experiment. That's my advice to our listeners with their pronunciation. A bit of stress here, a bit of stress there. Enjoy it. Be flamboyant. You can always take it down a bit.

But let's see what you've got. Frank, we've also had some family rules in. Steve and Gerard, I always say. Yes, you do always say that. David Baddiel always takes you to task on that. He does. Gary Martin says, Morning to the best programme on UK radio.

Oh, I read out praise inadvertently. I apologise. Is it to us, though? Are you sure about that? OK. My grandad would not allow my sister to whistle, as this was not ladylike. Also...

Can I say that that's based on the old proverb? Now, let me get this right. It's a whistling woman and a crowing hen is neither good to beasts nor men is that right yeah you you you're you're up on barnyard folklore absolutely you're very livestock familiar i love to hear a woman whistle i won't bear that in mind and relax also i can't relax i can't relax after that statement. OK. Also, we were not allowed to play cards on a Sunday. No, we couldn't do that either. That's true.

There were all sorts of things we couldn't do on a Sunday. I also remember... That email there from Thomas Hardy. My dad went mad at me once for singing All Things Bright and Beautiful in the house because he said it was, well, too Protestant. LAUGHTER beautiful in the house because he said it was, well, too Protestant. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Cock-a-leeky Cochran. Frank, I'd say there's been a lot of debate about your pronunciations on this show. I'd say it's been a dominant feature. This is, I'd say, third or fourth email correspondence we've had. Read your pronunciation. 558. Frank, you say tour the same way as my brother. Tour.

And that's from Vince Vaughan. Yeah. Vince Vaughan? I don't think And that's from Vince Vaughan. Yeah. Vince Vaughan? I don't think it's the real Vince Vaughan. Oh. He spelt it with the number two and then E-R, Tua. Tua. I think the thing to remember is that some people have different accents from other people.

What else? Okay. I'll tell you what else. I'd like to talk about Prince Charles because this might be my favourite thing that ever happened my mate, Prince Charles oh he is your mate Prince Charles he was quite bonny he was on the tube, did you see this thing

yes, I love that it was Roy Hodgson recently and now it's Prince Charles and Mancini we've all been on there and I went on in a Mancini no I didn't, my dear it was under my clouds And Mancini. Yeah, and Mancini. We've all been on there. And I went on in a Mancini. No, I didn't. My dear, it was under my clouds.

Did you see Charles and Camilla on the tube? Did you see the footage? It's brilliant pictures. Can I just say, great headline by the sun, ones-way tickets, really good. One, because, you know, he's a royal, so he would say one. Yes. There was a very good Roberto. I thought it was onesie.

The Roberto Mancini headline. Yes. Mind the... Mind the brackets, seven- onesie. The Roberto Mancini headline. Yes. Mind the... Mind the brackets, seven point, close brackets, gap. Yes, that was very good. Oh, lovely. Very good. But no, there was something very lovely about Charles and Camilla

on a deserted tube track. Because they wouldn't let any people on with them. Yeah, I think that's a mistake. Because I would really like... I mean, Charles looked a bit like he wanted to sit on a hanky rather than directly onto the chair, didn't he? Because he's dapper, isn't he? And I think he was looking at it like...

Well, he's dapper in a dead man's clothes kind of way. Yeah, yeah. I think he was looking at it thinking, this is all rather grubby, but I'm here. But you know those people that manage to find nice clothes in Oxfam? Yeah. That's what he dresses like. He looks like, yeah, his clothes,

he looks like a wardrobe from Strangers on a Train or something. Yeah, exactly. But the picture I saw, there are some people sort of over his shoulder, and I was thinking, oh, they've been vetted, haven't they? I would like to see a picture of Charles on the tube with that tramp that's got, like, the Gruffalo's feet, you know, those sort of, you know when they've got no shoes on? Yeah.

They just have their feet go sort go a bit curly and hard underneath. They only do that kind of thing when they're abroad. Make those kind of people. They don't do it in England. I want him on the tube with that guy. I'd like a great photo. There's a tramp on the package too. That would be a great photo.

My dream was to get on the tube and there was just, the only people on it was Charles and Camilla and me say to them, oh, there are three people in this carriage and leave it at that and they wouldn't be sure whether I'd meant it or not, just let it hang in the air. Well, you'd have to pay Ruby Wax for that material. There's a bit where he said, um... What?

Ruby Wax wrote that, apparently. Wrote what? The three people he's married? Yes. You both sound shocked. I thought that was common knowledge. Who writes that? I'm totally shocked. Ruby Wax writes that. Yeah, but there's nothing to it. How could she have got that gig? I don't know, but anyway, let's move on. That's it about the royal family and comedy. There's a bit where he said,

he joked with waiting pressmen, are you lot coming too? That's not an example of someone joking. See, I blame the office. People think if you say anything with a little bit of character to it and performance, that's a joke. The office, the royal family come to think of it, ironically. Gavin and Staceyacey It's no good

You know A little bit of performance Say something normal It's not a joke He also No Can I establish that He quipped

Come on darling You'll be here all day Yeah That's not a joke He was on fire I don't like the fact No he was on a tube He was on a roll I really like like the fact that... No, he was on a tube. He was on a roll.

I really like the fact that the son called it a commute. As if they were going to work. It was one stop. One stop is barely a commute. Oh, bless him. There was something lovely about it. I could have hugged the pair of them. Well, I wouldn't have been allowed, obviously. I'd have been, well, shot.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Prince Charles on the Tube. We've had a tweet, actually, from David, who says, read Prince Charles on the Tube ride. They were in the first carriage with press, public allowed on other carriages.

He sounds like he works for London Transport. Or he was there. There was a London Transport official, and I noticed she was a bit overdressed, which I like. I think that's fair enough. When you meet the royals, you want to make that... She had a black sleeveless dress. She had a cocktail dress on.

But Prince Charles didn't wear a coat. If I was going to meet Prince Charles, I've got a three-piece suit with a Prince of Wales check that I would go for. Oh, no, I bet he'd take that as a bit of a slight. You think so? He'd think, oh, not someone else wearing the Prince of Wales check that I would go for. Oh, no, I bet he'd take that as a bit of a slight. You think so? He'd think, oh, not someone else wearing the Prince of Wales check. Oh, yeah, I suppose. They always come out with that one.

Well, if he turned up in the Cochrane tartan, I'd go for him. Yeah. Would you recognise the Cochrane tartan? Hmm. No. No. I thought not. It depends which one. There's a modern one and an old one. You know, when I met him, he said, oh, that's a nice jacket.

Did he? He's a comedian. Prince Charles said that? Yeah. No, he didn't. You gave him advice to not look at his YouTube comments, didn't you? I did, yeah.

He said, I beseech you. I said it, yeah. But that was sound advice, though. Otherwise, he'd have, oh, God, he'd be in a terrible state by now. And then he slightly kicked you out of the house. But anyway, embarrassing. I was on the Tube on, what day would that have been?

Wednesday. And I got a seat. I was one of the lucky ones. Oh, lovely. I got a seat. And I had an eye out for it. Which line? I was on the Circle line, actually.

Oh, I can see you on the Circle, Frank. Yeah, I was at Westminster to Notting Hill, if you really want to know. But nevertheless, I managed to get a seat, even though it was quite early. And don't get me wrong, I was looking out for baby on board badges and the elderly. But I was fine. It was, you know, it was commuters. And a woman got on and she stood, well, I mean, how can I put it? She stood over me

she was towering over you no but she was too adjacent I mean you've got to remember I'm sitting and she's standing and she was you know, I mean there's in your face I haven't been that close to my girlfriend for two years it all sounds a bit

Spearmint Rhino, it was that's what it was like. I mean, obviously, you know, she was dressed respectively, but I really... I was worried I might catch my hair in her belt buckle. That's so... And she was... There was a couple of people looking, you know. Oh, those filthy queens.

Yeah, they were obviously looking, and she's a bit close. I could see I was... Was the train busy enough to warrant this? It was busy but not busy enough, is what it was. There was room for her to back off. And I didn't want to say, hey, back off. Because that would have caused a scene. I thought, I hope to God she gets off first or I'll have to limbo under her.

And that would have caused the scene. So I can see why they moved the public to the other thing. I don't think Charles... Charles don't want that in his life. Roberto looked hot though, didn't he? Lovely. Well, he was wearing a scarf. No, but he kept his coat on, unlike Roy. Because Roy likes to drape the coat,

doesn't he, over the arm? Roy was very much one of the... You know those pensioners you see sitting in a bus stop looking out at the sea? At the seaside. That's what Ray looked like when he was on the tube. Whereas Mancini, of course, had to look completely cool. I'm sorry, I had to go off mic then.

I'll give you a little technical thing. The sunshine is on my screen. So I can't actually see what buttons I'm pressing. I know that's not interesting. But for those of you that have been radio enthusiasts out there thinking, oh, I hate it when that happens. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I'd like to talk about the Iranians. I think I know what's coming. I think you do. The monkey being sent into space. Monkey in space.

They sent a monkey into space, which was... Well, did they? Well, it's quite retro anyway. Let's be honest, monkeys in space. It is a bit retro. Anyone in space is quite retro. Let's be honest. But monkeys, you're quite right.

They've started again. When you just said, well, did they, are you saying, did they send the monkey into space or did the monkey choose to go into space? Or are you saying... What, you think it was an escape plan? They sent the monkey, or was it going, I fancy space this year?

I think, well, there's... Cutting from the shots of him, he didn't look like he was saying, I fancy space. It wasn't a voluntary mission. It was very cruel. I have to say, normally, I would find it the funniest thing on the... I was going to say on the planet. On the planet.

That quite counts. But I didn't like... They gaffer-taped him in. I wasn't happy with that. No. That seemed... He looked like he was the victim of a stag night prank. I don't know if they marry.

Yeah. Might be, though. You know, a lot of... Which ring finger would they have? Because they've basically got four hands. A lot of nights out, they ring finger would they because they've got they've basically got four hands a lot of nights out they do put the stag in an outfit it could just be a stag do that's gone bad no i wasn't happy with the iranian stag i think they could have got him a nice little harness and stuff there's no need for it all looked a bit last minute it looked a bit shoebox

and yeah um but he went 75 miles. That's not bad, is it? I was going to Birmingham. That's a lot further than that. That's not very impressive. 75 miles. Well, I don't know. Phoenix jumped that amount, surely.

Charles and Camilla, if you compare those. True enough. Yeah, I wish they'd have been gaffer taped into their seats. It's a monkey commuter to space, isn't it? He commuted there. They are a bit, I don't wish to patronise, but they are a little late to the party with the space travel thing. I know, and I've understood

that the Iranian space programme, I'm told they pay peanuts. Yeah. Oh, lovely, Frank. And there's been a whole thing, there was a thing in the Daily Mail about the sort of history of monkeys

in space, which I can't tell you how much that is my kind of article it's so up your strata i thought of you when i saw that i never knew that the americans sent three monkeys up in the same capsule i mean is that right that must have been fantastic unfortunately that the mission was to search for evil oh dear so it didn't work at all but imagine be what about if you were like the human pilot on the three monkey mission i mean there'd be some uh there'd be some japes hijinks oh man i bet like you know imagine like a barrel oh was there some controversy over this though that apparently it didn't happen well there's a theory now that yeah that they've made it up to sound like they're um you know on the cutting edge of technology which i surely they could have come up with a better lie than we've um gaffer taped a monkey into a rocket and sent

it 75 miles yeah newsflash iran if you want to impress us send a person to space because that's what some of the countries because it're not really a thing now. No, I'd like that to come back though, to go into space. Yeah. Not for monkeys because... Well, astronaut is such a retro job. Astronaut's a cool job. I'd love it if I met someone.

What do you do? I'm an astronaut. I wonder what they get. I wonder if they... Well, money-wise, always the bottom line with you. No, I know that the monkey got peanuts, but I wonder what they actually... You never find that out. You know, every now and again, like a newspaper will put like an article on how much

a PA makes or they never seem to put astronaut in those columns. I suppose astronauts are military people generally so they just have their standard plus pensions. I'm not sure this is as funny as

texting as one might hope apart from the show. The water astronauts' wages theme. I'm not saying if we stick with it, I'm not saying it won't go somewhere eventually, but there's a lot of granite between us and the gold, that's what I'm worried about.

And speaking for myself, my pick is blunting quickly. We've had a good text from 708 saying astronauts' wages astronomical. See? They've remedied it. They've saved it. We got there. Three exclamation marks.

He's delighted. And we're all relieved. I think we can move on now. We're going to return to email corner, shall we? What about, do you get more if you land, that was it, landing on the moon? You get more than I wanted to that was at landing on the moon did you get more than one to Michael Collins? He got loud. He got bus fare home.

He just went round and round. He didn't get a really special prize, not like Buzz. That's what you would have won. And they played music, when they do the minor keys. I love that, when they don't win. Do they? I've never noticed I love that, when they don't win. Oh, do they?

Yeah. I never noticed that. Okay. Anyway, as we were. Um, email corner? Yeah. I can't. I can't reach the button.

I'll just say it. Email corner. I'm an avid, I'm a long-time listener of the podcast, and while taking our dog Maxie on his Sunday long. It's a bit graphic. Quite a 70s name for a dog as well, I like that. Yeah, I wonder if it's like a really small dog. I picture a tiny little...

Does a small dog have a Sunday Long? It's a long walk on Sunday Long. Is that like an iron long, but you're only in it six days a week? Long. Oh, long, OK. So it's his long walk. I've never heard of that phrase before, I love it. Sunday Long.

It's what runners do, that's what we covered in it. Oh, I don't know. I listen to about 75%. Of this show? Yeah. Your bit. Yeah. I just call it a Janice. Otherwise I just sit and look out the window at the sunshine on Golden Square.

Nice. It's not a bad life, is it? I haven't been able to listen for the last couple of weeks as my wife and I have been on our honeymoon in the Caribbean. Nice. Anyway. Oh, and I need the mango tree behind me, on me. That's all right, isn't it? Yep.

That's all right to do that. Whilst travelling around the islands, we came across the Caribbean answer to Frank's jetpack dream. Oh. This could be any week from the last two years that you've mentioned jetpacks, couldn't it? Yes. It looks like a lot of fun and with a lot less chance of death. I would have tried it myself, but it was too sunburnt by this point of the holiday.

Is anything as much fun if you reduce the chance of death, though? Well, he says it reduces the chance of death but i've looked at the clip on youtube that he sent a link to and uh it's uh it's like a water-based jetpack where it powers it out but they're in the sea so i'm not sure it would reduce the chance of death for your good self because you being as you are um not really a swimmer a strong swimmer yeah i know you can do a length, but you still might not want to land in the sea with a jetpack on you. No, but strangely enough, this week I received an email

from a jetpack company who said, come along and have a go on our jetpack. Wow, that is targeted marketing, isn't it? To be honest, yeah, they've heard this on the thing. I'm terrified it's going to be like... You know, have you ever been at a fireworks display? I was up one once in, I think it was Cannoneel Park, and a skyrocket, instead of going up,

it just went along the ground, it went into the crowd. It was just whizzing around, and I imagine that's what had happened to me. One just missed my brother's headphone when he kicked. It's like an Alsatian through the hoop. I fell stiff with stress when I watched that. Oh, no, I can't cope with that. Also, I don't want to go over a lake, you know, in a jetpack, really. I don't think so.

I mean, I'm tempted. I was hoping for a bit of sort of, you know, second story peeping Tom action. Nevertheless. Well, there was a sort of a second story in that he says P.S. Probably safer to not make a night's move on Emily, having only just got married. But Alan, you're more than

welcome. Not a problem with me. More than welcome to call into our pub in Shepley, Huddersfield for a pint of Hobgoblin if you're ever in the area. Well, I've heard some euphemisms. I might be. I might be. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email in. This is from Mike in Romford. He says, Frank, I just read Magnificent Desolation. But he loves Five Live, Mike in Romford. Well, judge ye not. Because he's just read Magnificent Desolation by Buzz Aldrin. Seems the wage is not as good as made out.

Not even for moonwalkers. Oh, well, you could have told us, Mike, what it was. Could not be so enigmatic. See, I was mocked. No, in fact, someone else has had a stab at it. I've just bought Buzz Aldrin's autobiography. I didn't think it was called Magnificent Desolation, though. Oh, OK.

Maybe he's written more than one. Someone else has said on Twitter, Stacey says astronauts' pay starts at $65,000 per year, up to $101,000. Is that nailed, though? Well, I was going to say, it sounds like 1964 rates. See, we're back on astronauts. How is this happening?

I said this was adult topic. They're like the mafia. They pull us back in every time we try and get out. That's exactly what it's like. Yeah. I have to take responsibility. The Scientology of Astronauts' Wages. Well, let's move past that then.

We've had an email entitled, Memory Not Google. Hi, Frank, Emily and Kokoliki. Reference to Frank's insistence on dredging your memory instead of using Google for that piece of knowledge you know is in there somewhere. I already like this chap's turn of phrase, dredging your memory.

I should say, in case anyone, you know those people that tune in basically to hear Mark Crossley and they just catch the end of us? I should say that, you know, you used to watch the end of Tomorrow's World when you were waiting for Top of the Pops? It's like that. I should say that I couldn't remember the name of the comic writer, Chris Ware, for three hours, but I stopped with it and did remember.

I actually saw Chris Ware give a talk once at the ICA in London. And you know in the comics he draws himself just like a pink circle with eyes. That's what he looks like. He does. He does. He looks exactly like that. You think it's a caricature. Anyway. Back to Stuart's email.

Just last week a mate of mine asked me who was Daley Thompson's great German rival who always came second to the British sporting legend. I managed to get his first name within the first ten minutes, brackets Jürgen, but took a further five days of pondering to get the surname. Wow, respect. Proper respect. I refuse to use Google for something that I know is in there.

Many a good chat or pub row have gone because of the overuse of the smartphone in inverted commas. Indeed. Indeed. His surname was Hingson, in case you're interested. Great show, regular listener Stuart. Jurgen Hingson. Hats off to Stuart. Oh, I'll say that.

That's epic, because that probably, that would have affected his sleep, wouldn't it? I would have cracked. No. Wouldn't you? Under the pressure? Oh, I don't know. Day three and a half, you might well have cracked, because you might think this is never coming. Really?

I think I did Fatal Attraction, I think, was two days. Was it? Trying to remember what that was called. I kept getting basic instinct. Well, it's completely different. You should have just asked me. Yes. I know getting basic instinct. Well, it's completely different. Yeah, yeah. Should have just asked me. Yes. I know that's skipped off by heart.

But that would be cheating as well. Frank, it's time for Simone Cowell-Corner. Simone Cowell-Corner. He's almost becoming a friend of the show. We talk about him so often. I think he gets in the papers now because Britain's Got Talent is creepy shall we save Simon actually

just to play some music every time Emily speaks our producer this week Sarah gives me a note that says move on and what does that show you and that's what it's like it's that sort of attitude that split up the Spice Girls. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were about to tell us about Psycho, weren't you? Simon Cowell. Yeah, Psycho. Yeah, well, Frank was just explaining. He does tend to pop up in the press quite a bit when his show's about to start. He's something of a media figure, isn't he? Well, I know, but I think that might be a Cliffordordian you know thing i think because he does tend to no i'm just saying

not anymore no but um yeah basically what what emerged this week was that he has a booster seat yeah because he's a bit he's quite little well saw that, but there was a cushion on his seat. Yes. Yeah. But wasn't there a cushion on the other seats also? Was there? I don't know. I couldn't tell.

Well, David Williams is 6'2". He's a... Simone claims to be 5'7", but apparently he's 5'4". I don't know. He can't be 5'4". Someone said he was 5'4". He wears... He wears the...

I've seen photos of him in the Cuban heel. He's fond of the Cuban. Oh, yeah, I've seen those. I've heard he loves the Cuban. But I've of him in the Cuban heel. He's fond of the Cuban. Oh, yeah, she knows. I've heard he loves the Cuban. But I've heard, to be fair, that he's a flamenco enthusiast. Mm-hmm. I mean, I've gone past his house and heard the... Uh-huh.

And he's a big, big fan of Paco Pena, the guitarist. Is he? Yeah, I remember discussing that with him in elton john's via oh yeah um yes so yeah so it's can i say i don't use a booster cushion on this no no but i find still at my age that i can on my sitting height i can put two inches on my sitting height just by clenching oh still at my age absolute filth oh hello um but Frank I objected to this story because I think it was heightest I really object to heightism because I'm little I'm five foot three and some of these tall gangly ones I'm not sure it was heightism or pileism.

I think he's sitting on that cushion because he's got a bit of... No. I do. I genuinely do. Well, that could be... I mean, I know he's got piles of money, but I think he's also got just piles of something I think it affects short people. Because Napoleon had it, didn't he?

I think... Oh, great. I read somewhere that short people are more prone to it because they're behind, close to the coal pavement. Thanks. I said, that's right. I'm all right. I've got a Beyonce shelf. Oh, yeah.

Is that a real shelf or is it mime? Did you hear her sing at the press conference this week? Oh. Yeah, to prove that she can sing. Did she? What I like about it is she said, yes, I was miming, and then she sang the national anthem at the press conference. Like, she felt

she had to prove she could sing. Yeah. Beyond, so. Yeah, that should get Jayce in. Let's see if you can sing. Oh, no, I just did that talk. That's not good enough, is it? Anyway, I believe we have to go now, don't we? Mark Crossley's looking at me through the window, you know, and doing a wind-up.

We've got to film something, which may I just say wasn't run past my agent. Oh, dear. I'll be talking about this on Monday. There's still time. The authorities. The best thing to do is broadcast it as well. That's really good.

There's still time to be awkward. That's what I always say. Okay. So, by the way, Simon Cowell, I read, he's the richest man in reality TV and the second richest person is Subo. Oh, yeah. Susan Boyle.

Yeah, she's done all right. That's a lot of hobnobs. I hope she gets a jetpack. So, look, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening. Ta-ra a bit.

This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio.