The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - P.A.R.T.Y

Episode Date: May 18, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank is back from his holidays and is joined by Alun Cochrane and Emily Dean. This week the team discuss childhood fears, Beckham's retirement and Alun's idea for a new World Tour.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. You can, and we'd like you to. Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. And that's that done. So, I was off last week. You were. You sound rested.

I missed you. I missed your little Birmingham smile. Yeah, I was in Cornwall for a week. How was it for you? Lovely. I was staying in Rick Stein's, one of Rick Stein's cottages. Where you're in then? Yeah.

Careful of those TV chefs. Are you familiar with Rick Stein? I spent the entire week, they said, you know, sometimes he just, you know, turns up. I spent the whole week thinking he was the one

with the spiky, gelled up hair. No. That's Gary Rhodes. That's Gary Rhodes. Oh, he likes working out, Gary Rhodes. I said, has he still got that spiky hair?

And the people were looking at me in a confused fashion. So it's a good thing we didn't turn up because I would have said, what he still got that spiky hair? And the people were looking at me in a confused fashion. So it's a good thing we didn't turn off, because I would have said, what's happened to your spiky hair? Rickstein's the other one that loves fish, and he's got a slightly high-pitched voice, so he's a bit like... Oh, this lovely fish. I went to school with his nephew.

Did you? Yeah. I think if you eat a lot of fish, the voice goes up. Oh. A semi-tone. Oh, fish. That's my Rick Stein impression, everybody. You ate Frank Kate bone marrow last night, and you didn't like it. No, but you know when you hear seals going, oh, oh. They've eaten a lot of fish.

The fish thing. I see the logic there. It does something to your larynx. Yeah, it was nice. I don't really know Cornwall, but it's, uh, beautiful. I thought I, uh, you know I wear a suit and tie all the time. All the time now. You do these days.

Or even on holiday. No, I didn't on holiday. No. What, what did you go for? Shorts and t-shirt. I went like, you know, t-shirt and stuff. Sarong. And I, it really, like, I've written.

Did you wear a sarong on holiday? I did wear a sarong. Uh, I, um, no, I could have worn one as a, if I'd known David Beckham was going to retire, Sarong. Did you wear a sarong on holiday? I did wear a sarong. No, I could have worn one as a... If I'd known David Beckham was going to retire, I would have worn one as a homage. But the great thing about wearing a suit and tie every day is that when you go on holiday and you don't wear one, you feel like you're on holiday.

Oh, nice. Yeah, you think, no, no, no, I don't have to do that extra knotting. Yeah. You didn't go England fan, did you, no, no, no, don't have to do that extra knotting. Yeah. You didn't go England fan, did you, Frank? Three-quarter length shirt. Oh, no. But it's almost like, you know when people say you go indoors

and you've got a coat on, they say, take that off, you won't feel the benefit when you go out. I really felt the benefit of not wearing a suit. All right. So, you know, it's another... It's yet another plus. Although I have to say, when you come back to work, you don't have a boss saying you must wear a suit, so you could just continue that through your...

Yeah, but... But then you've got, like, a thousand wasted suits. This is work, not a holiday. This is work. And that's the great thing about it. Imagine if Frank Starr insisted we wore corporate clothes. Like we were... Like Daisy had to dress like someone in The Apprentice.

But you, you dress quite, you're always smart. You're what I would say, like the old upside down Kate. You're well turned out. You're never fully dressed without a smile. I tell you what I, I tell you what I did have. Have you ever had, it's just,

I don't, I nearly said, is this just me? Which is what bad comedians say. What they do is they do a joke and it dies and they say, just me then. So I don't want to lapse into that. But have you ever done this? When you stand on the beach and you're paddling and you look at the sea, and as the sea ebbs when it goes backwards, as it retracts

as it retreats you feel like you're that it's still and you're going backwards have you ever felt that? Yes I've experienced that sensation I felt like I was hurtling hurtling backwards it frightened me, honestly I nearly I got a bit bilious

it sometimes happens when trains next to you move and you don't yeah i'm wondering what i'm what the reason i'm bringing this up it's it's a quest for our readers i i i am i'd like to know if there's a word for it there's got to be a word and it's not just this there must be a word for when something's moving and you're still and you feel like you're moving. There's got to be a word for it. So if you know that, please text it in and you win a banana. One of the more obscure commercial radio textings. Yeah, but I really want to know that

because the next time... Say if it was called matribalism. I'd love to turn around on the beach and say, I'd love to sit down. I've had a bit of a metabolistic experience what does that mean and I'll say well look that's the phenomenon

and then I look like a great guy they'll say no wonder you usually wear a suit you're a smart character and there was an incident with my child which I'll tell you after this. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. New listeners, brace yourselves, but my son is called... He's nearly... He's one this week, actually, and he's called Buzz, B-U-Z-Z. And here's his music. So we were in Cornwall and we went to a farm shop.

And outside the farm shop there was chickens. So I took him over to have a look at the chickens, where the ladies shopped. And he was interested and there was a big cockerel and I thought I've got a bit nostalgic

for the show so I took him over and we squatted down right next to the cockerel and he was a fine creature and I could see Boz was fascinated by him. That strange head jolt that they do. I saw it this morning. Yeah.

And then, I suppose it shouldn't have been unexpectedly, he went... And Boz burst into tears. Oh, yeah. But he cried in a way I've never heard him cry before. Because seriously, he goes... and starts crying.

Yeah, I've seen that one. But he started it a bit... It went like this. And it was not a million miles from Oliver Hardy falling down a flight of stairs. Whoa! Sounds a bit like your Gershwin yawn. I think he's been picking it up from you.

Well, the thing was, I took him away, I took him into the shop, and then inside the shop, we heard... and he still went and on the car we were leaving in the car and I heard and he still went miles away

so he really didn't take to it at all might be useful when he's older, though. Just for discipline purposes. Yeah, just play him that. To Pavlovian response. Or getting him up in the morning. Yeah.

It's nice that it turns out that he's got different crying for every scenario. Yeah. You're now going to have to see what he can possibly cry like for various scenarios. You need to knock it on the head, though. You don't want him as an adult crying every time he wakes up in the morning, if he lives on a farm. Well, it might get him an interview with Piers Morgan. So I just started thinking about,

and I'd love to hear from our readers on this, the things that frightened us when we were kids. I don't mean, like, you know, the dead. No. I mean, I think we were all frightened. The undead. Yeah, we were all frightened of, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah.

But things like, par example, I used to, if I got frightened, I used to go into my mum and dad's bed when I was a little kid, you know, go into their room, and they had this wardrobe, and when my eyes grew accustomed to the light, the grain of the wood on the wardrobe doors looked like horrible demons with long spindly arms and fingers and it was i was frightened to look out the black sure it wasn't a window onto the street it was our kids in a glass case you'd be listening today. He'd be absolutely furious. Hi, Aki. Can I tell you a story about Aki?

You always can. I spoke to Aki this week, and he was saying that he'd been poorly, and I think he went to hospital, actually. Oh. And this has been, it didn't happen this week, so he's better now but they said to him he said to me

I don't think, I'm not interested in medicine and all that he said I think it's a load of rubbish he said I think you can drink your way out of most illnesses which is an interesting theory so he said it's a waste of time

and he has always had that attitude. He has no interest in doctors, medicine, anything. So anyway, they took him in. They said, what's the name of your doctor? And he said, Doctor whatever it was, Dr Matthew Jones. Dr Feelgood. So he said the name of the

doctor. And they said, right. And they looked at the records. They said he died eight years ago. And they checked the records and our keith had not visited a gp for 17 years i love it brilliant so yeah so that's what frightened me as a kid not our keith and my parents wardrobe and also girls toilets well i've already i think i've mentioned this before to you but lou reed um scared me as a child the specifically the transformer album cover because he looks a bit like frankenstein monster oh yeah well i think he looks like a big cuddly panda on the cover of no he was lou reed was my bogeyman that's an interesting one i'll tell you about the ladies' toilets in a minute. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

We'll talk about the things that frightened us as a child based on something that happened to my child recently. I should point out, but before we go into our readers' thoughts, that the girls' toilet on my first day at school, no, my second day at school, some of the big girls, I would have been five and they would have been ten, eleven, dragged me into the girls' toilets. Oh, God.

And then told me that the police would be coming to my house because I'd been in the girl's toilet. No. That's not why they were coming to your house. No. Paul Keith had been up to her good. No, it's interesting. I was really terrified. It seemed like a completely alien, different world.

And do you now, do you have a fear of authority as well? Do you think there's some kind of weird police state if you go into the wrong place that they're after you? Has it left permanent damage? No, I think it probably taught me a valuable lesson early on. What a pity some of our other older male celebrities weren't given similar advice.

Anyway... I loved that on-the-couch moment. Yeah, pretty much. Loved it. But it was actually terrifying, just the idea of being in the wrong place and not being able to... I remember I had a little coat with a dog bone, dog bone buttons, little tiny dog bones.

That sounds rather fetching. Yeah. My mum made it from dog bones. So what about you? Oh, cricket with a low profile, nothing frightened you ever? No, loads of stuff frightened me as a kid. In fact, my family, if I get together with, like, aunties and uncles and my mum in the room,

they all gather and laugh at the fact that I was so afraid of heights as a kid that I turned round and drooped backwards off a rug. Thick pile. Off a thick pile rug down onto a normal floor level. You're kidding me. Apparently that's how scared as a kid I was. So they always talk about that.

That is vertigo going crazy. Oh yeah. And so you can imagine when we were on a day trip to Blackpool and I got put on a donkey. I thought you were going to say the tower. No, no. That's more my parents style, Frank. The donkey. That's more my parents' style, Frank. The donkey was terrifying because it was moving and it was a height.

Yeah. And it's an animal again. You've got so many different fear factors involved there. How tall are you? I'm now six foot three-ish. So you've gone over it? Well, only as far as six feet. Do you still have the heights thing?

I wouldn't like, yeah, I don't like heights now. I was in a mosaicist's balcony once at Westminster Cathedral. And they had tiny, flimsy balconies. It's where the person who does the mosaic sort of stands for. And that's the only time I've ever felt that thing that people say when, like, their inner ear goes into turmoil. Anyway, it's not about us. It's about the readers. I'm okay on rugs now.

I just want you all to know that I'm fine going from rug to carpet now. I take that in my stride, I would say. Well, I mean, otherwise you could never have got on stage. I mean, you'd be terrified on a dais of any kind. What do they have to say? Well, we've had quite a few. 223, one of our readers.

Hi, Frank Emily and Mr Cockerel Doodle Do. Up until my early teenage... At home, bars have just gone... Up until my early teenage years, I was terrified of vinyl records being played at a slower speed than they should. My older brother used to regularly take great delight in suddenly switching the speed and making me burst into tears.

That's from Sharon in Cumbria. That's a brilliant one. It used to be the thing, wasn't it? Because it used to be a... On those old record players, there used to be a speed setting that was 16. Was there? What did that play?

But we used to put the 45s at 16 that was 16. Was there? And I've... What did that play? Ah. But we used to put the 45s at 16 and it had that kind of... kind of thing. So I can see why that would be frightening. 281 has texted, Beaker out of the Muppets show still terrifies me today.

I don't remember which one was Beaker. Beaker, he's got sort of a downturned mouth and quite a big head, hasn't he? If it's the one I'm thinking of. He sounds hideous. That's Beaker, isn't it? Is he the Foreign Secretary? He says, Beaker out of the Muppet Show still terrifies me today.

I am 40. Oh, wow. Saying I am 40 terrifies me. It's not a day to be ever saying that. No. 479, I had an incredible Hulk annual, which my cousin was scared of. When she came to my house,

I used to open it at the double-page spread of him transforming from a man to a Hulk, and she'd cry and run away every time. That's from Jane. I was a horrible child, she says. We've gone a lot. They're more unusual than they thought i thought people would be saying oh i did i was frightened of dogs and stuff but this is i had a poster on my wall that um at night

similar to the knot in the wood in your parents room that the shadows of the poster would scare me and looking back on it now i think why didn't we take it down off the wall what was on the post i can't even remember that. Was it the shadows? OK. No, that's weird, to actually put something up to frighten you. It's really odd, isn't it? I wonder if I'd never confessed that I was scared of it. I think it's just because it was so high. Maybe. Maybe.

So what about if this fell off at night and I stood on it? I'd be raised up from the linoleum. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio some more scared readers although just before we do the scared ones i've got info for you um from 398 16 rpm for voice e.g abdication speech that's why you used to listen to my... Can I say that's a top-notch EG? It really is. I cannot go on

without the love of the woman I love. I used to have one of those, a Dracula record I used to listen to on that. It was about Van Helsing, that's all I remember. There was crackling noises on it. Branca, 214, Re-Childhood Fears. I was petrified of electric blankets. When I went I remember there was crackling noises on it. Branca, 214, re-childhood fears.

I was petrified of electric blankets. When I went to stay with my nan when I was little, I used to share her bed, and she told me I'd kill us both if I wet the bed. You can see the love for you. I still can't sleep in the bedroom. She said she'd kill you both if you wet the bed. I'll kill you and then turn the god on myself yeah um but do people still have electric blankets i think they do yeah daisy's nodding

oh if people in scotland obviously but i mean they still have spangles but it's colder it's colder up there as well that's fair enough the way, did anyone explain about my phenomenon of feeling like I'm moving when I'm standing still and something else is moving? Well, yeah, but I'm not convinced by it. Okay. There was a word. That's what I'm looking for. Try this out for the eyes. Somatographic illusion.

Somatographic? This has been tweeted by Ben Williams. He says, he doesn't sound a reliable individual with that moniker. Somatographic illusion is usually the sense of pitching up when accelerating, but it could be the same process. Pitching up when accelerating.

And Annie QPR says, I've Googled for you, but I've got nothing. That's helpful. I like that one. What I'm interested in is what i thought i do find that helpful because if there's no word for it there's a gap in the market gap in the market yeah for the phenomenon in case you missed this bit i stood on the beach the sea was moving i felt like the sea the sea was still and i was moving there must be somatographic... There needs to be a word.

Like, um... Move... Move... Not move... Not move... Queasiness. Yeah. Not move Arian, was it? Um, Sasha Kennedy... I was scared... Sasha Kennedy? What happened to her? I was scared of Frank Muir, she says. Frank Muir?

I had nightmares where he walks chasing me in a pink suit and bow tie and his choice of murder weapon was a hacksaw really in case you don't know frank muir he was he was a sort of uh writer and stuff he used to be on a program called call my bluff where people would lie you know in fact it was basically with i like to think of it she said it was in his lispy voice he'd say i'm coming to get you sasha yeah he She said in his lispy voice he'd say, I'm coming to get you, Sasha. Yeah, he did have that very lispy, sort of posh voice. And he was a dickie bow man when there were no dickie bow men.

He was. There's also a fair few texts. I'm not sure how you'll feel about these, Frank, but I was absolutely petrified of the Daleks as a small child. I loved Doctor Who, but the Daleks were just too much for me. And I used to hide behind the settee. I think it was the voice that really got to me. me and I used to hide behind the settee. I think it was the voice that really got to me. There actually

is someone who hid behind the settee. That's the cliché. I don't know if they are speaking in cliché. I say that's the cliché about Doctor Who fans. Yeah, and a few people I was petrified of the Doctor Who theme

music have never watched an episode so they're losing potential viewers the Doctor Who theme music. I've never watched an episode. So, you know, they're losing potential viewers just with the scary music. It's in the top three great theme tunes of all time. According to you or just generally accepted wisdom? According to me. I've been talking to my own opinion. I work in the music business. Alongside what?

Juliet Bravo? I do. I'm on here, aren't I? I work in the music business. I don't even remember. But Juliet Bravo. Juliet Bravo was good theme music, I seem to remember.

Well, Nogget was scared of Z cars, he says. No. Z cars theme. Really? I think that was Nogget, yeah. What is that called? There's a name for the Z cars theme. Oh, I've forgotten it.

See, that's the sort of trivia I used to have at my fingertips when I was a young man. Oh, there you go. But I know it goes blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You can record that and use it maybe as a ringtone or anything. You might be glad of that.

It's a bit of a treat. Public Eye, of course, is the best theme music ever. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio you know that strange sensation you were describing not the one you were talking about off air that was disgusting oh come on um apparently wayne muir i don't know if he's a relative a friend possibly yeah call me way Wayne. This is called vection, with the type Frank describes called linear vection.

Linear vection? Is that what people mean when they say they're vexed? Are they just abbreviating vection? Glenn Bateman says it's called vertical illusory self-motion. Well, get your story straight. I think there's a gap here. What about, you know the Doppler effect when a siren goes past or something?

Oh, yeah. That's the Doppler effect, isn't it? Yeah. Could we not call it the Skinner effect? Because I feel, I haven't exactly discovered it, but I've identified it as something which needs naming. I just go around naming things after you willy-nilly we've got we've got a we've got a standing army here with that with our readers we can we can get them to introduce it i can't help but think that the skinner effect should

really be something else that if you've done to the world i don't know what i'll think about that no but i don't there's things i don't want to be exactly i think you might be cherry picking what you want to be remembered for exactly i'm doing that but you know we all do that i mean um harley of harley's comet fame oh yeah um good pronunciation frank yeah thanks um had a relationship with a goat but kidding yeah but that obviously um it that's not what he wanted wanted to be named after so when I say I had a relationship I don't mean I mean I mean Vection does seem to be

the most popular and I'll tell you who I'm going to use to escort us out of this is DB, David Beckham because we haven't talked about this guys aww that's showbiz yeah short memories. Oh, David Beckham, yes.

Yes. Yes, he's retired. First Sir Alex, now him. I think they had a little deal going. Why did they retire so soon? You say that, first Sir Alex, now him. If I could take you back now, if I'd got a TARDIS and we could go back to the World Cup in, was it 98?

When we played Argentina and Michael Owen got that wonder goal and then David Beckham got kicked someone and the people were hanging effigies of him. Would you believe that several years later when we're talking about

retirement we've forgotten that Michael Owen is retiring at the end of the season because Beckham's is so big. What about that? That was one of those who'd have thought moments. People said, I bet you never thought, did you, when you were at school in West Midlands that you'd end up having a

television. I said, well, no, I did think that. And then people hate you, but I did think, I thought all the time. Sorry. He did his exit interview with Gary Neville his exit interview yes that's what I'm calling it I didn't know he was being killed

that's what it's called from a Swiss clinic that's what it's called when you leave a company an exit interview oh really but I like that Gary Neville is turning into a sort of

Frost David Frost figure why is he doing interviews did there not be a film called Frost Beckham. As about his highlights in the 90s. You know that Paxman interview where he asked the same question 13 times? It was like that.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We are David Beckham, people's frightening children. Oh, yes. The skinner effect. There's nobody emailed in that they were scared of David Beckham,

if that's what you're asking there. No, but Mark said, when I was about six years old, sitting in the garden in the summertime, I could hear the crows in the trees. My grandmother told me that they knew who I was and were constantly calling my name. That did it for me. Mark! Mark!

So all I hear now is Mark, Mark. I'm now 43. That's Mark in Dubai. Today. Lovely, warm-hearted grandmother. I love all these horrible nannas. Happy birthday, Mark. And it's bad luck that your gran had recently seen

Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds before you had that conversation. I like the idea, because it makes Gran sound a bit more magical. Right. It makes her sound a bit witchy. No, it makes her sound like she knows the old ways. Why won't you the old ways to the off-licence?

Glenn Bateman, The Skinner Effect, Human Influence on Central Reservations in the Late 20th Century. Yes, that could have worked. Yeah. Human influence or human effluence. So anyway, David Beckham. Yes.

Now you did, am I right, before we went to that last track, you did a David Beckham mistake joke? I nearly did and then I reversed out of it. What happened to, that was a lovely nostalgic moment. People never do David Beckham a mistake joke. He's taken his place now. I don't want to. I think we've realised that he's was a lovely nostalgic moment. People never do David Beckham a stick shirt. He's taken his place now. I don't want to. I think we've realised that he's clever and it's fine.

Well, he isn't clever. I think we've... I've over-read the pudding a bit there. I think what he did, he got so popular that we couldn't do David Beckham. I mean, he was the one. I've talked before on this show about in comedy, there's people that sit in the fat seat, people who sit in the sleep with a lot of women seat, people

that sit in the thick seat. Who's in the thick seat now then? I don't know. Wayne Rooney perhaps? Maybe. I don't know if he is really, but anyway Beckham is out of here. So he's retiring from football. Obviously he'll continue to do things like do

adverts for supermarket chains as I saw in the paper this morning. Lots of sport. Frank, I've just thought of someone else who was in the thick seat. Donna Rare. That was a retro thick seat. Oh, yeah. Oh, was it?

Yeah, she was. But, Frank, have you met him, Beckham? Oh, yeah. Oh, he's met them all. He's worked with them all on me. He said to me, I'd done him in a sketch a few times, you know, played him in a sketch. And he said to me,

and I sort of looked a bit like him. You know the way Alistair McGowan sounds like him? Yeah. But he looks like, well, the sort of person who was calling Mark. He looks like a crow made up to look like David Beckham. And I mean this in the nicest

possible way. I have a great admiration for Alistair McGowan. I'm interested to hear how you got yourself to look like David Beckham. And I mean this in the nicest possible way. I have a great admiration for Alistair McGowan. I'm interested to hear how you got yourself to look like David Beckham. Extraordinary statement. Well, we had a very good make-up woman, and he said to me, God, you must have a hell of a make-up woman if she could make you look like me. Good for him. Which I thought was a brilliant opening line. Yeah.

And I'll tell you something else about David. He caught up to me. He had a white suit, white shirt. Oh, my God. You know, he looked like an angel. And I had a friend who was obsessed with him, a female friend, really obsessed with him. And she was sitting on a table and hadn't seen that he was there,

hadn't turned up. And I said, I won't name her because she's a married woman now with children but i said um let's call her liz so i said there's a friend of mine over there she's mad about you if you went over and said hello honestly you would and he walked over and he just he stood behind it's like he'd done it before he tapped her on the shoulder she turned around and the look on her face was just golden. And he said, hi, Liz, I'm David, and he bent down and kissed her on the cheek, and it was like a lottery win. So, yeah, a nice bloke, but one of those people who makes me think, how much money do you need? need frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio this is frank skinner on absolute radio with emily dean alan cochran you can text us on 8 12 15 or follow us on twitter at frank

on the radio we were talking about about um david be Beckham's retirement. My point about how much money do people need is that David Beckham will advertise more or less anything. And does he not think, I don't know, I've got more money than I can spend and that my children can spend. Maybe I'll just do nice work now. I'll tell you what, now that he has retired,

he must have a wardrobe, like a big cupboard in his house, just full of, like, razor blades and underpants and crisps. Everything that he's advertised over the years. Has he done crisps? He must have done. He could get a lot of demons on those wardrobes. Frank could be scared. Smokey Beckham.

Yeah, but, Frank, can I just... As a counter-argument, I would like to say, let's compare you and him. You will always be funny, we hope. However, no, you will. Some people will say you're already looking back. You will always be funny. He won't always be at this top level.

So he needs to get in and make as much cash as he can. No, but even so, one can only spend. You know when you're on holiday in France and you see Harrison Ford advertising an insurance company or something like that. Right, yeah. And you think how much money do you, you don't need any more money than you've got. Just a really nice work, you know, that's fulfilling

to adverts. I'd like to see Beckham just not care about his appearance now that he's sort of knocked it on the head. I would hate to see that. I would hate it. To use your head. I would hate to see that. I would hate it. To use your phrase, I would like to see him now just pull the ripcord in five years' time.

Like Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull. Go a bit Rhyze erotic. Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't that be wonderful? I would so respect him if he did that. Razor in his straining polo shirt. In six years' time in the like, the Big Brother house, really fat, not caring, hairy.

And Victoria does it as well. That would really become, like, a big, rough couple. He starts going to the shopping centre in an England shirt. That would be fantastic. No, I'd respect him for that. He has always, to be fair, he's always kept a slightly loose lip. Oh, you've got you in that lip.

No, I've always recommended him for this. A beautiful man. But he has had the wisdom of the Islamic rug maker. You know those that leave the deliberate fault so that they don't affront God with their arrogance. He's had the loose lip saying to God, I know I'm not perfect. I'm allowed to, I give up the lip.

So is perfect. I met him, Cochran. Have you? Yeah. So out of the three of us, I'm the one who hasn't. Did you say Cochran? Yeah. It's a bit schoolyard. You're going to drag him into the girls' toilets. I meant to say Cochran, and then it was Cochran, and I thought, I quite like it. It's a cat fit. It does. That is my name.

But I felt I was green room lurking. I wonder how that was going. Go on. I was green room lurking. You know I sometimes do that Frank. And I just I was bowled over. I didn't know what to say to him. He shook my hand and went hello I'm David. Yeah. I focused on the lip.

It was less frightening there. Do you know what I mean? Really? That's what the lip. It meant it was less frightening, though. Do you know what I mean? Really? That's what the lip's for, to stop people just breaking down at his... I almost cried because I said to my friend Jane, I said, it's too depressing to meet someone like that, to know that I'll never be intimate with him.

I can't bear it. Oh, blimey. I found it really depressing. She said, how do you know? I said, well, no, because, you know, you never know what's going to happen in the future. I mean, you're pen pals now, though, aren't you? I mean, it's not intimacy, but still contact, isn't it?

That's nice. Yeah. So if I meet Alanis Morissette, I imagine I'll be in a similar state. That'd be ironic, wouldn't it? This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Laura Eves has tweeted... Does she? Thanks for the tip. She's tweeted us.

She says, how come you have email corner, but you don't read out your address? That's in your email address. But you do mention your Twitter, text, pager, telex, etc. It's a good point. It is a good point. Why is that, Daisy? It's a mistake on my part. Oh, it's a mistake on

your part? Okay. Oh my god, this is the worst thing that's ever happened on the show. To email the show... You just go to the Absolute website, Daisy. Just visit the Absolute website. www. I love doing that bit. AbsoluteRadio.co.uk Slick. I'm going to

stop you doing that, Geoff Lloyd. I'm anti-show. Email Corner. Well, we have arrived in Email Corner. How long has the show been running that this is the first time we've announced the email address? This feels like an oversight.

You know, but it takes a while to... You know, you can't expect us to hit the ground running. The show's been going a little over four years. We've just given out the email address. And have Email Corner as a regular section on our show. I like it. It's a sort of Greta Garbo approach to commercial radio.

It sort of proves if you build it, they will come. They've been getting through anyway. Do you know what I think it is, Cochran? It's a bit like when you meet a man, some men say this, you see, Frank, if you meet an alpha male, never give him your number, because if he likes you enough daisy's nodding viciously he should be able to track you down really yeah and the alpha man not a bounty hunter

well i yeah you could argue that maybe now with with with spoon fed them the email address there be all sorts of idiots sending in emails. Whereas the standard of emails in the past, though there were only, say, two a week, were brilliant. You know, it's all about quality, not quantity. And yes, I've used that line before, and one of it. OK, we're in email corner.

So shall I read an email? No, let's not bother. Shall we just move on? Now we've broken all our usual email. Let's go in email corner. So shall I read an email? No, let's not bother. Shall we just move on? Now we've broken all our usual email, let's go to email corner and I'll play the flute for an hour. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. I'm a 20-year-old journalism student from Christchurch and love listening to your show. I first tuned in a few months ago and it's become a staple for the morning commute. I think a good idea for a text-in is... By the way, I love it when people suggest ideas for the show, it saves us so much time.

They know what we're like. I think a good idea for a texting is, what interesting cups do you have? How dare you? Me and my flatmates. Here's where I think it becomes interesting. Can I say that is a good idea? It is. It's excellent. You see, this is what I mean.

If we were giving out the email address, people would say, what about favourite colour? That's a text. Yeah. Which isn't so good. Blue. Green. Mine's blue. Pink.

Is it? Interesting. Turns out it's more interesting than I thought it would be. How odd that there's no overlap there. It's all gone very snooker table. I love it. It does, yeah. Me and my flatmates live next to abandoned houses where we have recovered numerous...

What, on Weissland? Is it our key? Please. He's got a lovely house. Me and my flatmates live next to abandoned houses where we have recovered numerous quirky cups, some hand-painted, one shaped as Homer Simpson's head and one with a UN logo on it. I'd like a UN mug.

Keep well. I do. Benjamin Ryan, I love keep well. Yeah, that's nice. But also, I'm not sure how happy I would be about recovered cups from abandoned houses. They're glazed. Oh, they're glazed. But are they washed? Oh, they're glazed.

Yeah, but you would wash them. But as long as they're non-porous, it's... You're sure? Yeah. You'd be fine with that? I mean, I wouldn't eat, you know, say, a terracotta crockpot. I wouldn't use one of those after I found one. But glazed would be fine.

Okay. That's why when I went to China, i didn't lick the terracotta army tell me about it yeah i won't pretend i wasn't tempted but i i held back anyway we got anyone we haven't even got i've got some good mugs but that is a good you see that's why good... That's someone who gets the show. So, well, I've got a Ricky Martin. You have, then. I have, yeah. It's a nice one as well.

You're a very promotional mug, Frank. Pardon? You're a very promotional mug. Yeah, I've got a lot, actually. I think she might be implying that you're stingy, then. No. That's usually the sort of attack I get. No, I paid for this. I bought it. You bought the Ricky Martin one? Yeah. Bought and paid for. I flew to Barcelona

in the 90s to see Ricky Martin live. And I bought a mug. No, I don't want to talk about it. I was going to say. You and John Barrowman. Lovely trip. I thought, yeah. Frankie and Johnny.

Love to see that trip. I thought, yeah. Frankie and Johnny. I and I've got... Love to see that film. I've got on my last tour they talked me into the first time ever to promotional material which I've always been very anti on tours. Founcing such a massive rip-off.

But such was the profit margin. I said yes. I don't feel good about that but I'm owning up I thought it was a lot of tat nevertheless there was mugs and they said what should we put on the mug and I said why don't you put one of my jokes and I suggested a joke

which I will not repeat on air filthy yeah it's a joke I now feel embarrassed at the thought of and turns out I've got 50 mugs with it on. And do you know, honestly... Oh, this is blue period. Honestly, I cannot drink out of one of those. Can't you?

No. Well, I'll have one of those. Yeah, I'll have one. You're welcome. I'll bring you one each in. Along with the Frank Skinner umbrella. The Frank Skinner umbrella is... You've not got a Frank Skinner umbrella.

Yeah, I went out when it was raining and didn't realise. If you've got more than one, I'd have one of them as well. Well, you'll have one of anything if I say so. Actually, I was just thinking, shall we have next week as merchandise week? Yeah, exactly. I've got an absolute radio mug. Have you? Oh yeah, I've got

a couple of those. I've also got a black Playboy. It's more of a tankard. A Matt's black tankard affair. That's for my special gentleman friends. I've got a couple of those. I've also got a black Playboy. It's more of a tankard. A Matt Black tankard affair. That's for my special gentleman friends. I've got a last of the summer wine mug. Have you? Hello? No, we heard you.

I just found that extraordinary. My girlfriend always says that is the favourite mug of our collection. I had a bit of a tragedy the other week. Who's it got on it then? All of them? Every one of them in a tiny, tiny cartoon form. Not that well drawn. And it's a

slightly smaller mug than normal, like, you know, it's for the elderly. Oh, yeah. I had a lovely mug which my mother-in-law broke a couple of weeks ago. It was the John Wayne Airport. Black with the Duke in gold. Oh, I don't like it, my black mug.

No? No. I like that. You know when you take one out to the dishwash and it's got the brown ring on the bottom of it, you think, oh, I've got to go and scour it for it. With a black one, you don't know. And what you don't know won't hurt you. I've got a good Laurel and Hardy one that I'm very fond of.

That's one of my favourite mugs. This is a great idea, though. I think it is. I've got a good Laurel and Hardy one that I'm very fond of. That's one of my favourite mugs. This is a great idea, though. I think it is. I've also got three of those massive Sport Direct mugs that you buy when you buy something on... Oh, I've never seen one of those. Oh, my God, they're enormous. They're too big, if anything. I've got a Tony Blair mug where when you put hot water in it, his nose...

I want to come by and harvest that. His nose grows to the destiny. You know that blier thing they used to say by and harvest that. His nose grows. To suggest that he... You know that blire thing they used to say? You've got a satire mug. Yeah, I've got two satire mugs. Have I got news for you Nick Clegg and it says the Downing Street mug. It's got a picture of Nick Clegg.

Oh, wow. Enough mug talk. It was a good... I think it's a good... I've got one for having run a 10k that I sometimes give to fat cats. Enough mug talk, boys. I'll tell you what started happening in our house on the domestic front. I noticed my girlfriend has become rather gong-ho about the cutlery sections in the drawer. What do you mean? Oh, is she mixing and matching?

Spoons in with forks, forks in with knives. The other day I went through and put them all back in there right has it been a quiet week? no it's just I felt bad about it it's like that character in A Beautiful Mind no but it mattered to me that they were separated of course

this is probably how apartheid started absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've had an email you know you were searching for a new word for that feeling of standing on the beach and the sea moving out and you remaining

still but thinking that you're moving, like when a train pulls out and you think you're moving and it's moving, yes Bernard from Beckenham who's got a satisfying alliterative name how about You think you're moving and it's moving. Bernard from Beckenham. Bernard from Beckenham, I love that. Who's got a satisfying alliterative name. He has.

How about Yvonne? Move, spelt backwards. That's good. See what he's doing? That's good. Yvonne. Oh, it's good work, all right. I like that.

Make no mistake. Also, it sounds like, if you can imagine a website where people bought sick, it'd be called Evon. But I'm not saying that such a website should exist. All websites exist. There probably is one. There probably is one, yeah. But it hasn't got such a good name.

So. Oh, we've also had Richard Eaton says, in the early 80s, my dressing gown hanging on the bedroom door always looked like a werewolf in the dawn light, which scared me. I've had that again. I've had that with a hanging coat and stuff. Or a white shirt. Sometimes I'll put a white shirt in an adjacent room

in case I wake up and think it's a ghost. Do you remember the television programme Beauty and the Beast that was popular? I did, indeed. I was in episode three. No. Mr Candlestick. My youngest brother inexplicably became scared of showing his bare feet to Vincent, the beast

of said program. And so at the end he would cover up his feet, because obviously he was in his pyjamas and his dressing gown watching it all cozy. And he would put a cushion over his feet because he didn't want Vincent to see his feet. Why? It's weird. Was Vincent into feet or something?

No. It's just one of those weird things that kids get scared of. It's just odd. And I think he remembered his name. That is a bizarre one, isn't it? Yeah, really weird. I love that. Strange what you're frightened of.

We've had an email into the show as well from Carl. Carl Young. No, it's not Carl Young. Hi, Alan and Frank, and Emily, of course. Oh, cheeky. I've got top billing there. I would like to thank you, Alan. Emily, little more than a postscript.

I would like to thank you for a great show in Kendal on Wednesday evening. I want to personally apologise for the annoying drunk lady in the crowd who wouldn't shut up. No idea who she was, but we're not all like that here. You handled her well and made us laugh at the same time. I'm sure you've encountered this problem in your stand-up career, Frank. A woman who cannot listen. She was very drunk, she was very drunk,

so everything I said, she responded to. Oh, yes. And so about seven minutes into the show, I had to make a mental note to not say any rhetorical questions at all for the next 90 minutes. So that was quite pressing. But, wonderfully, I did a gig in Kendal and they

put Kendal mint cake in the dressing room, which was sweet. Oh, lovely. Which was sweet. Oh, that was an accidental pun. Oh, wow. Accidental pun alert. I saw it in slow-mo as it was happening. They're dropping off you like windfall fruit. And the same week, I've also done a gig in Harrogate and they had Harrogate water. Harrogate

is a spa town, isn't it? So it's got water like bath water. Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, in the past, I've done a gig in Bath and had bath water, but I don't... No, you have not. Bath water seems to me like kids drink bath water, don't they? Do you mean from the actual spa?

Well, they just have bottled water, and it's called bath water. Oh, no, there is a proper spa water in Bath that has the consistency of dog saliva. Oh, no, I don't want that. But it's given me a brilliant idea for my next tour, because the tour I'm doing is... You're going to the Virgin Islands. It's gradually...

LAUGHTER ..gradually eking to a finish. But I thought I could book in for next year just places that do food and drink named after the place like you know I could start the tour in Aberdeen and have steak and then Arbroath for Arbroath

Smokies you know the smoked fish delicious. It's like your Ocado shop your tour isn't it? I'm not just going to go A I'm just thinking that's probably near because it's both Scotland isn't it I could do them in the same couple of nights. I think that would be a great idea for a tour. It's a great... Get publicity for it.

Do you think? I could turn it into, like, you know, some crazy... I bet Sardinia would be good. I'm not sure I'd make much money with the Italian economy. I thought they'd be crammed in. Oh, what about the Black Forest, Frank? Lovely. Yes. What happened to her? Steady. I knew. Sorry.

Yes. Melton Mowbray. What about a gig in Melton Mowbray? What about Bakewell in Derbyshire? Oh, lovely. Cherry Bakewell tart. Yeah. Which is actually some graffiti I wrote on the box-face tour bus. It could be a world tour, though.

It could be... I could go right to Alaska. Oh, Harvey's Bristol Cream. I'll give you a call then. Yeah. Is that in Bristol? Yeah. I wonder if it's got Bristol in the name. It's not in Harvey. It might be the name of a... Yeah.

I thought it might be the name of a drink, but that sounds good. It is the name of a drink. that sounds good and it's in Bristol Kendall Mink Cake is the name of a sweet sorry when you do it I didn't know that Harvey's Bristol Cream was a Bristol thing it could have been a different Bristol what do you mean?

what different Bristol? I thought it could be the name of a pro what did you think it was, breast milk? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in the email corner. Yeah. I'd like to pop into text T-Junction briefly, if you don't mind.

I have a fear of grand, Frank. This is from Yvette in West Brom, who's one of our regulars. Yvette or Yvette? Yvette. Okay, not I-vette. No, not Yvette. I have a fear of grands. My gran used to wake me up to tell me that my mum had just gone out the front door and was never coming back. What, as a joke? Well, she

also used to carry her wardrobe from one room to another and she used to roll rugs up and pretend they were her babies. She sounds like a powerful woman. See, again, that's a woman who's familiar with the old ways. There's got to be something mystical about that rug thing. We've also had a text in. I mean, what if the cockerel had stood on a rolled-up one when he was a young child?

Oh, I'd have been terrified. But can I say, I like an old man who's a bit bit of a bully yeah you know i think they get to an age maybe the generation they've grown up in have been a bit oppressed as as women and now they thought and i just behave however i like i went around my gran's once and she was it was about half nine in the morning she was eating eating shepherd's pie. No, is it cottage pie with potato on top? Oh, yeah. Cottage pie out of a silver file tray and drinking a bottle of Guinness.

In the morning? Yeah. And she was like 90-something. And I thought, well, yeah, just do what you like. Exactly, yeah. I went round my grounds once. She's married a Nigerian who was a bigamist. Really?

Well, she had five husbands. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Well, there you go, you see. You know, freedom. Enjoy yourself. The great thing, I suppose, looking back, is I then started, not long after, drinking early in the morning.

Did you? Yeah. Seems like the family way, doesn't it? Yeah. Whereas my gran used to have a Weetabix just with marmalade spread on top of it, and that's not caught on in my life. That was her hands.

That's what Gran's hands look like. Really? That sounds a bit dry. Very dry. On the subject of my world food tour, I wouldn't be surprised if I've got a book deal on that by the end of the day, Alan could include Craister in Northumberland. I might be mispronouncing that. Craister, Craister? Home of the Craister

Kippers. Do you think it's Craister? I've never heard of that. C-R-A-S-T-E-R. There needs to be some fizzy pop called Craister. No, not that. It's Cra. C-R-A. No, I've never heard of that. But I've already got Arbroath Smokies. I don't want this tour to be too fishy.

I'd like... I toured with a sound man. When we walked into every hotel, the first thing he said is, do you know if they do a Finan Haddock for breakfast every morning? And if it was available, he'd have it. Lovely. It's those kind of anecdotes that made us Sony rejects. I'm pressing the wrong buttons here.

That could have all gone very wrong. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. That text that I think crosses the streams of the two different textings we've got running. Not only did we ask people about the mugs they own, also what we're scared of as kids? When I was little I would never finish a drink from a mug. This was because the reflection that my own

face made at the bottom of the mug scared me. Simon Williams from Taunton. Well I never finished a cup of tea in Harris because we didn't have a strainer. And there was always loads of leaves in the bottom. It's horrible that.

And we've also had Rick Oliver, a.k.a. 283, who's texted saying, I think Alan should go straight to Turkey and have done with it. Oh, yes. Well, I was thinking I should really start the tour in Hungary. Ah, of course. Mind you, I was in, as I said, Cornwall last week

and obviously I had the pasties and all that. And someone was saying to me, she said, have you done the whole Cornwall thing? One of the local people. And I said, I haven't had a Cornish miffy. And she said, I've never heard of that. Oh, yeah. I've never heard of it.

Have you heard of it? Yes, it's an ice lolly. Yeah. This is someone from Cornwall, never heard of a Cornish miffy. Oh, it was beautiful ice lolly. Yeah. This is someone from Cornwall, never heard of a Cornish... Oh, it was beautiful. I've not had that. It was white ice cream with, like, a red outer case. An outer case, yeah.

Which bit of Cornwall was that that you had that in, and where's the nearest venue? No, no, I don't know. It was available nationally. It was an export from Cornwall. All right, so you're not recommending a place I should go and tour. I need a sort of an art centre or a comedy club between... Well, if you apply at Cornwall, if they could find them, maybe.

I'm not sure they still exist. That would be lovely. Anyway, let me continue the food theme. I had a card from Tony, and it says, Dear Frank, then there's some praise. It says, I listen to the show on a Saturday morning when I'm dialysising at Guy's Dialysis Ward. And that's Guy's being a hospital.

It's not like a 70s hospital for men. Like the Guy's. It's not that. So he's dialysising, Tony. And he says, enjoy the gift. And what he sent me is a a pickle fork oh how marvelous you know i was talking about the difficulty i've been having having getting pickled onions out of a jar we talk of little else yeah and and then your hand smell of vinegar and uh it's it says on here trigger spring action for easy release oh i've got one of those at home.

Have you got one of these? No, but I've got one. And what a lovely present. So you stick it in and then there's like a little platform that pushes the thing off. I don't even have to touch the pickle. The number of times you've said if people send you free stuff, you'll smash it up. But not now. Oh, no.

But I didn't ask for this. This was just a lovely gesture and I think it's great. Thank you very much, Tony. He also thanks me for introducing him to the band Public Service Broadcasting which is, you see, I'm changing the world here.

Frank? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Alan Cochran you can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio I've run out of breath

and then I forgot to go to the website or if you want to email us you can go to the website and Absolute Radio website I Or if you want to email us, you can go to the website and Absolute Radio website. I could give you the slack. Who on earth ever typed in the address? When was the last time you did that? You're just Googling.

We've had a text in, Frank. 474. Hi, I'm a black cab driver and I clocked you all looking shifty outside the Hawksmoor last night. Oh, yeah, we had a works out in last night. What concerned me was Alan's turn-up trousers. If One Direction are ever recruiting,

then he has to be in with a shout. That's from Paul. Yeah, it was a bit Dr Fox. They're actually a dark jean and, yes, they did have a turn-up. I thought I pitched it really well. It wasn't a smart do. I didn't wear a suit.

I went jeans. I wore a suit and tie. Can I point that out? Yeah. I wore a jean. I wore a jean. And I had good hair. A Smedley shirt, Clark's Originals leather desert boots,

and a nice Reese jacket. We should say... No pants? No pants. I'm Richard Madeley. In fact, it was a bit too Ronnie Sketch or Terry Scott's sitcom. It was Dinner With The Bosses. a nice Rees jacket. No pants? No pants. I'm Richard Madeley. It was a bit too Ronnie's sketch or Terry Scott's sitcom. It was Dinner with the Bosses. It was, yes.

It was a bit too Ronnie's, wasn't it? But I'll never eat bone marrow again. You got your bottom pinched as soon as you arrived, didn't you? You know my body actually rejected the bone marrow. Yes, I walked in and Emily wasn't there. Emily did the Geoff Lloyd show last night. Very well.

And I say that because, do you remember Celebrity Squares? There used to be an American version of that. I know it. Half of my family were on it. There was a lebreka, a lebrekan? There was an American version. There used to be a gay man who sat in the central square and they once said to him, the question was,

do chimpanzees kiss? And he said, yes, very well. So I was really liked. But, yeah, I walked in and there was the gang sitting at the table and suddenly, I mean, it wasn't a pinch, it was a proper deep probing grab at my behind. Oh, my goodness. If I'd known before, I would have brought a rubber cloth. And I thought it would be

a friend of mine messing about. It was a complete stranger, a woman. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. How dare she? That's my job. You were speaking to your lawyers immediately, weren't you? Well, I didn't know. I mean, I hope she wasn't planning to eat. I mean, there was bread on the table. But, you know, I thought, you know, it was a bit more...

I mean, if a man did that to a female celebrity in a restaurant... But anyway, you know, people get drunk. I'd say they get through life. OK. It's a coping strategy, isn't it? It is, that's all it is. I wonder if we should sashay onto a story that I'm sure is an area of interest of yours.

Headline, Star Wars and Doctor Who fans clash at Norwich Convention. I read about this, yes. I mean, I'm not calling you a dork, but, you know, you'd be interested in this battle of the dorks. I'm just saying it's a glamour fixture for you. It was a fight, wasn't it? Well, I don't know if it was a physical fight, but it was trouble.

Well, yeah. What a go on, Al. Can I ask? The police were called. The police were called, weren't they? I don't know if there was a fight. Star Wars and Doctor Whovians. Yes. And there's Dominic Warner, secretary of Norwich Star wars club said it's been blown up as if it was a fight there was no fighting which to me sounds a bit like these are

not the droids you're looking for there was no fighting and he's airbrushing but the past there as far as i'm concerned he's doing a jedi mind trick on us Do you think there was a gal, a fray? Oh. Oh. I get that. I get that. Do you get that? I don't know if I get that. So what happened? They turned up.

I tried to do it with Star Wars, but the best I could come up with was GBH Kenobi, which is rubbish. That's just... It needs a bit more work, that one, darling. That's just rubbish. But you're trying, and I respect that. No, you couldn't.

Someone will send one. It was a convention. It was the Norwich Sci-Fi and Film Convention. Brilliant. Which is, I always say, lock up your daughter's ladies when they're getting together, frankly. But you know that thing that... Yeah, but people kind of say, I have to stop this,

people always say that about sci-fi fans. You know, they just say, oh, they haven't got a girlfriend. I didn't say they didn't have a girlfriend. But there's a suggestion of that. Just look at her. Sorry. But I'm just saying that people who have lots of casual relationships, move about and, you know, sexual beings,

are they generally nice, interesting people? I think not. Whereas the sci-fi, as I meet, bright, sharp, interesting people. That's serious. I don't want to be on my own with them for long periods of time. whereas the sci-fi as i meet bright sharp interesting people and they're serious yeah i want to be on my own with them though for a long period of time um they um one of them said one of the i liked that the guy that you were referring to earlier from the norwich sci-fi convention he said these are not the droids you're looking for he also said look we're all in the same boat here i love his acknowledgement that they're all said look we're all in the same boat here. I love his acknowledgement. Look, we're all in the same boat here.

He may as well have said, bit of the Venn diagram. But I had a fight in Norwich once. I think it's not... Don't blame sci-fi, blame Norfolk. It's because there's no hills to hide behind. You have to... You're suggesting don't hate the player, hate the game.

Yeah. It's a very... That's it. It's flat, so you just have to... He's suggesting don't hate the player, hate the game. Yeah. It's, you know, it's a very... That's it, it's flat, so you just have to toe-to-toe it. Oh, it was obviously a Darth Brawl. Is that what that was? Ah! R2-D2 looking at me. I have to say... LAUGHTER

There was no good headlines that I saw for it. No, there must be a million and one. Maybe that would be a good text in headlines for this story. End it like Beckham was a good headline, I thought, yesterday. That's a good one. Yes. But, well, not if it was for the sci-fi battle story. Yeah, they got the wrong story.

Clerical error. It would be Absolute Robbie. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'll tell you what, on the subject of the flat terrain in East Anglia. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can't remember who said this to me, but we're talking about not remembering stuff from school. And this guy said, but you know what an oxbow lake is and how it was formed? And I do remember that from geography. Yes, I remember an Oxbow Lake. And hummocks.

I remember. Do you know about hummocks? They're small hills. Oh. And we were talking about what you remember from school and it's really not much. But there's one or two facts for no apparent reason. So how are Oxbow Lakes formed? I remember the name of Oxbow Lakes,

but I'm just picturing a lake in my head. I don't know the formation. It's very hard to explain. I don't have a diagram. But they're a loop that gradually, a loop in a river that gradually wears away, to put it in simple terms. But I also remember the passage of a solution

into a less soluble solution through a permeable membrane, which is osmosis. You're listening to absolute science. I think it's interesting what we remember, though. It is. I forgot, you know, 99.74%. Absolute maths. Yeah, far off that. Yes.

Paul McIntyre says, beat me up, Scotty. That's what happened at the sci-fi convention punch-up. That's good. I like beat me up, Scotty. I found the whole article quite difficult to read because my mate told me that there's an acronym for Norwich, which is knickers off ready when I come home and people say

it. People used to write it on envelopes. Did they? Yeah. But it just, when it's like Doctor Who Norwich convention it just makes me think, oh there's something. But I can't remember the last time anyone, no one uses knickers off ready

when I come home anymore. It's not even... I mean, I used to have a problem with the K. Obviously, there's a silent K at the front. Oh, yeah. Jabba me gut. 228. Jabba me gut.

Jabba me gut. Jabba. It's like Jabba the heart, but it's Jabba me gut. I'm with you. Let's... I'll tell you what I want, before we go this week, I want to talk about our sort of, our spiritual colleague in radio. From Radio Stoke.

Paula White? Yes. Oh, I want to talk of nothing else. Because I, in case you don't know, this was a woman from Radio Stoke who was doing her last, not her last show, it was her last show in the daytime slot. I think it's her last show now. And I don't know if it

was ever established, but she sounded drunk, let's say that. Yeah, I think she sort of admitted it. Well, she did say it once. She said, I've had a few drinks. She said, I've had a couple of drinks, I'm not drunk. Yeah, well we've all said that. Yeah. When?

Yeah. But anyone who says I'm not drunk is generally drunk. Almost always. that. Yeah. When, yeah. But anyone who says, I'm not drunk is generally drunk. Almost always. Yeah. Yeah. But I listened to a bit of her show, and she, now, you'll have to help me out with this. There's a thing she said, we've got a party today, P-R-T-Y, because I said so. Yeah. So she made the last letter Y, as in, why the, no, is that something that's, is that a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, she made the last letter, Y, as in why the... No, is that something that's...

Is that a cliché? No, that subtlety was lost on me. She just kept saying, party. No, she said P-A-R-T-Y, because I said so. And I thought, you know, the people are rubbish in this woman because they think she's drunk. But I bet you 90%, I'm not including Christine O'Connell, of the people that won Sonys last week

have never said anything that clever on radio. That level of wordplay? Yeah. I was listening to a radio station the day, which isn't this one, and the bloke said an interesting fact in the paper today, that teenage girls, the average teenage girl, uh fact in the paper today that teenage girls the average teenage girl over the space of a year has 157 arguments with friends and i thought well that is quite an interesting thing to he said anyway moving on we've got um blah but i never mentioned it again

oh is that good paula paula would have related the 157 rows she'd had that year. Were you all looking at me? Have I said something really wrong? Is it just a boring bit? I don't mind. I don't mind if it's just a boring bit, but don't look at me like I've accidentally

swore. It's a unique take on things, I think. I thought Paula's show sounded better, much better than your average radio show. When she was good, she was completely blotto. I think we should sign her off. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We were talking about Paula White earlier, the Radio Stoke DJ.

Yeah. I'm not keen to promote another brand, but she is in the news. She's a news figure now. And you were saying that you thought it was rather clever construction, the way she'd said, we're going to P-A-R-T. Why? Because I want to, or something. Because I said so. Because I said so.

I thought that was clever. 025 has texted us and explained it's from The Mask. He says, I believe the character is called Stanley Ipkiss. He says, P-A-R-T, why? Because I got her. The Mask is the one with... Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey, yeah.

So she just copied something. Which is a drugs metaphor, that one as well. I've gone off her. Have you? She deserves to lose her job. So, um... I'll tell you what I didn't like. She was taken off air after half an hour

and then the colleague that took over said, oh, she's not feeling well and has gone home. Yeah. I thought that was a bit unnecessary to then make the listeners picture her at home. I just think it's not even true, is it? She went to the nearest All Bar One. We don't know that. I would guess that she got some

extra drinking time. These are allegations. You may not even have been drinking. It can be one of those cases where you have a small sherry and you're on antibiotics. At one point she explains what carte blanche meant, which is my favourite bit in the whole broadcast. She goes, I'm going carte blanche. I'll tell you what carte blanche is.

You can choose anything. Is it when you give a lift to someone from the golden girls i would say i would say about 80 percent of radio would be improved with slightly drunk presenters surely yeah well and i'm not just meaning this show funny you should say that because you're building on to something yeah i've had a few a few. Do you remember that, Frank? We found a wine glass in the studio. Oh, yeah. Don't you remember that? It was in the early days.

Yeah, but maybe they just, one of those people who have a glass of wine with a meal. It also says... What, with breakfast? Yeah. It also says her last contribution was a rambling account of how she has lost over a stone in weight, and there's the answer, isn't it? She's lost over a stone. We've all had a drink on an empty stomach

and it's gone right to her. She's probably barely eaten for a month. Well, I always used to say something. There's nothing wrong with that. It's only glottons that eat and drink. Is that what you just drank rather than eat? Yeah, exactly. I think other people, I agree with you about the radio.

Other people's drunkenness is really entertaining if you've got an on-off switch. Yeah. It would... That's good to remember. It would improve all sorts of things. I have to say, I nearly, I once, came so close to destroying my entire career.

And I would have been an innocent man, but I was doing the one show... Oh, yeah. And the one show, you know, being like a sort of a, was it six million viewers or whatever? And I've told this before, and the researchers said, we're just going to rehearse the opening. So I went on, and I, obviously, I thought we were re-rehearsing.

And often when you're rehearsing, you're messing about, you might swear in a heavy-duty way. Oh, no. So I was all set, you you know to do something like that and then after about 30 seconds it started to dawn on me that this was actually the show but that could have that could have been a career and no one would have believed me let's face it can we sort of linger in email corner we can pop back can we just pop back. Can we? Let's pop back. Lovely. This is from Omar. Hi, Frank, Emily and Lecoq.

Lecoq was discussing revising and listening to talk radio on your last show. Alan suggested that listening to talk radio whilst revising can be distracting, and it's better to listen to music instead, as you already know the song's being played. Yeah, wise words. Having been a student for far too long, I would recommend... Might be Omar Sharif. I'm happy not to be with him. Is he still a student? Only a bad gammon.

I would recommend that listening to talk radio is not distracting if the language they are speaking is not one you know. Whilst revising, I would listen to French sports radio, and as I didn't understand what they were saying, I wasn't distracted. Hearing them speaking their foreign language... Oh, lovely. A little bit racist.

Is it? Out of my... I blame you, Kip. Out of my tinny iPad speakers made me feel like I was in company and not alone, whilst I would be hunched over my table with books all around. Love the show. You're fabulous, Emily. Omar.

Don't say you're fabulous, Emily, like we're not here. Don't say Omar. That is outrageously sweet of you. I heard Joan Collins say that once. Outrageously sweet. Then how outrageously sweet of you. That reminds me a bit of when I was walking up Tottenham Court Road with David Baddiel and this girl came up to me and said, Oh, sorry, have you got a pen?

And I said, yeah. And I gave her the pen and she asked for Dave's autograph. People can be very cruel. I used to listen, when I was writing, I used to listen to French singers, like, you know, Serge Gainsbourg, I am. You know, I am the

hip-hop, French hip-hop. That was the first rap I ever listened to was French rap. Really? So it used to be, I didn't like rap, so I used to feel, you know, if I want bad poetry I'll buy a greetings card but then I got into it through French yeah I would play a clip but I I don't know if they're cussing you see because I don't know and exactly and you know sometimes with the rappers they've got a bit of a mouth on them yeah Ted in they have. Yeah. Ted and Dorking is also, you know, we were talking about

where that came from, P-A-R-T-Y. We said it was the mask. Ted and Dorking says, no, no, no. Thrice, thrice nay, he says.

Oh, okay. It's the goodbye song from the Mickey Mouse show with Annette Funcinello. M-I-C, see you real soon. K-E-Y, why?

Because we like you. You know what? It's, It's certainly that's the root of it I think. As regards revising whilst listening to French sports radio, surely that's distracting though because you'd hear the French

and I don't know enough French to do it but like presumably the English words would pop out and distract you so it would be like David Beckham. Ho-hee, ho-hee-ho, Joey Barton. I don't know about you, I'm not happy with ho-hee, ho-hee-ho. I just said I don't know any French words to do,

because I can't do it convincingly. That was a bit you, Kip, wasn't it? It wasn't. It wasn't a bit you. Ho-hee, ho-hee-ho. Ho-hee-ho, it's fine, isn't it? No, it sounds like a vintage car rally. Frank. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Don't have a silence. No, I'm not going to have a silence. Well, it's appropriate, because I'd like to talk about something rather spiritual. Oh, lovely.

Which is Mahatma Gandhi. Gandhi Corner, I'm calling this. Well, of course, we should have music that goes Gandhi Corner. That would have been perfect. But we don't have it. I have to say, Gandhi is a borderline OC crush of mine. Oh, really? I read My Experiments with Truth, his autobiography.

I recommend it heartily. Oh, really? You know, I've often thought I'd like to read a book about Gandhi. And I looked at that and I thought you can't trust an autobiography. What I want is a an unofficial biography that shows Gandhi, Watson and all. It's no Don't Tell Kath, don't get me wrong.

But it's good. But there was a story this week he was, it turns out he's sort of more famed for his footwear even than I am because his shoes, his Gandhi's flip flops, they're selling for 15k

good use of K there at auction they reckon Oh you mean an actual individual pair? I thought you meant like there was a brand No, and Like Bjorn Borg's underwear Like Beckham's underwear.

Yeah, like Beckham's, Gandhi's flip-flop. And they've also, they've discovered that he had a little extra half inch, a little Noel Edmonds lift on the flip-flop. Are you allowed to say that about Noel Edmonds? Is that allowed? I think it's out there. It's up in fire. Is it?

She knows him. He's a short man then. He was five foot four, Mahatma. Was he really? Mahandas. You see, that's interesting, isn't it? Because Mother Teresa was 4'10". Really?

All these little people. You're wishing you'd set them up? You're saying they'd have made a lovely-looking couple? I'm saying all these little people promoting peace on a slightly lower, a belt level, so that we don't know until it's too late. Yeah. Beautiful.

How tall was Stalin? Oh, I don't know. I don't think he was tall. He strikes me. He went the other way, I think. Did he? He did. He didn't promote.

I suppose that was Gandhi's choice. Do I promote peace somewhere a little? Gandhi's choice would have been a great, that would be a great film. Yeah. I love the idea of him clicking around in them like a slight North London nana. I love that. What I like about the idea of him having around in them like a slight North London nana. I love that. Well, what I like about the idea of him having this sort of extra little ledge on his sandal is that they lift him up the way that the love of the people must have lifted him up spiritually.

What I'm saying is that love is like candy on a shelf. Love is like candy on a shelf. Love is like Gandhi on a shelf. I thought you then had a feeling you were going to burst into song at any moment. I thought, am I going to save this? Inside, that's what was going through me. I'll tell you who should buy them, though, when they do come up at auction. The model, Gandhi. Oh, yeah.

David Gandhi. They've probably already got his name in them. They'd be fine. You see, if Gandhi... He loves to spare money. David Gandhi. They've probably already got his name in them. They'd be fine. You see, if Gandhi... He loves to spare money. If the Mahatma, Bapu, if he looked like David Gandhi, I think he'd have been an unsuccessful peace protester.

You think? I always have been envious of the beautiful people of the world. But in fact, there's lots of jobs they can't do. He'd be a rubbish peace protester. And I've always said that if Ronald and Hardy looked like David Beckham and, say, Gandhi, they wouldn't have got any laughs at all. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. One plus, of course, of Gandhi's sandals

is that because he was a very thin man, all those hunger strikes, they wouldn't have took that much. You wouldn't want to buy the sandals of a... Whichever personality sits in the fat chair now, I don't know who that would be. But also people are funny about second-hand shoes, aren't they? I'm surprised that they keep the 15 grand's worth of value.

Well, the auctioneer, the man from the auction house, he said they're not in the best condition, as if that would put a potential buyer off. It's not eBay. I like the fact that he's being honest, though. I'd like a little bit of Gandhi's belongings. Yeah, there's apparently £250,000 worth of archive material of Gandhi's up for sale,

which I think is what he would have wanted, isn't it? Somebody making a profit out of him. Is there any glasses in there? Oh, good. I quite fancy a pair of those. Gandhi glasses. They're a little round Gandhi glasses. I can get you some of those from Camden, love.

But they won't be here as well, will they? We've had a text in on the subject of my food tour, you know, Kendall Mint Cake etc nip to Pontifract and have some Pontifract cakes they're not actually cakes, they're sweets they are, they're like toffees she said it's the home of Haribo sweets

then have a Yorkshire pudding in every Yorkshire town just have a different filling that's good advice from Danielle there Danielle's put a bit of thought in I could do Leeds and Bradford and I wouldn't have to eat the same thing. I could have, you know, different stuff in the Yorkshire. Surely everywhere has got some sort of food stuff, hasn't it? Apparently not Bristol, though.

Not named after it. I don't identify Bristol with Harvey's Bristol cream. I just don't. Am I meant to? So do other people. Anyway, we need to talk about Kanye West. his Bristol cream. I just don't. Am I meant to? Do other people think... Anyway. We need to talk about Kanye West. He's a sentence I always say on this show, I feel like. Because he walked into a

sign. He's had a week... A man walked into a bar. He's had a week of it. He walked into a sign and got a right old bump on his head and also his expensive car got trapped in the security gates on the way into the same building. It's kind of brilliant. I mean, he's a man...

I imagine he's a man who can laugh at himself. Do you think so? The pictures did not appear to show that trait. Anyone else who'd done that, I think, would have said, oh, God, I can really laugh about it. Like when Neil Kinnock fell over on the beach and that. He got angry. If you're a super cool

rapper dressed head to foot in black leather and you hit your head it must be, it's a difficult position to be in. On a sign that says beware pedestrians or whatever it was. Do you know what I like Frank? He was wearing an interesting sartorial choice, a coach driver, you know those short sleeved shirts, I call them a coach driver.

But he'd gone for leather. I know. So it was a leather coach driver. A leather short sleeved shirt. See know. So he was a leather coach driver. A leather short-sleeved shirt. See, I looked at that and thought, that's too sunny a day for a leather shirt. Or leather trousers was my thought. He must have been schvitzing. Oh, yes. Was he?

I don't know him that well. I don't know what that means, but I love the sound of it. Is he a keen blogger? Yeah. I walked into one in Africa, a wooden overhang, when I was with Comet Relief, in a very impoverished village.

And, you know, people really up against it. And I hit my head really hard on a wooden overhang. And the entire village laughed. I thought, that's the last penny you get out of me no it was lovely actually just you know you always because there's a tendency isn't it to think oh poor these poor people but they still laughed at somebody banging their head oh good that was great and i you know eventually i laughed as well after a bit of cossing but um kanye like not that's what I'd say to him.

What about that? He didn't even have... It was bright sunshine and he didn't have shades on. Probably the only time he's ever not worn shades in his life. Yeah. And he blamed the photographer. He said, look, if you just stop taking photos, man. Yeah, he said that with swearing.

Yeah, but that's not going to work, is it? Because they're not going to stop taking photos. In fact, getting angry is a way of making them continue taking photos. Thank you so much for listening. Mucho apreciatum. And as we say in the Catholic Church. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

And now get out. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.