The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Patients

Episode Date: August 2, 2014

Patients: This week the team are live from Edinburgh! Frank has been in casualty, Alun has been forgetful and Em has been getting involved with the Fringe. Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. OK, good morning. Hi there.

We're in Edinburgh, which is a large conurbation. I wish you'd told me. It's a large urban conurbation, isn't it? Yeah. It's very nice. Lovely. Nice? I'm having the time of my life. This was the time...

Why are you using a past tense for my version of the song? I realised and I suddenly couldn't remember the tense, whether it was this Easter time or... It's I've had. I've had, I'm sorry. Like what I was singing. Quietly, granted. It's one of those terrible moments when you're mid-song.

Sorry, I'm... If I sound a little hesitant, I'm... Quietly, granted. It's one of those terrible moments when you're mid-song. Oh. Sorry, I'm... If I sound a little hesitant, I'm... For some reason, I can't hear myself. You two are doing shows up here. Can we ever hear ourselves, really, in life? Early philosophy. If we could hear ourselves, one feels we'd say a lot less

if you received my meaning. Yeah, but we've got a new studio studio and we're getting adjusted to it. You two are doing shows up here and I'm doing very little, really, which I'm enjoying. You're swanning. I'm swanning. Actually, you're doing more than we are in your own little way. And I've put a lot... In your own little way.

Sweetheart. Oh, that's fine. You'll pay for it later. And I've put quite a lot of thought into my Edinburgh look this year. Your Edinburgh look? Yeah. When I go out in the morning, I want to look like female reviewer because I have lots of laminates. I need laminates everywhere I go. Yeah.

But with slightly better conditioned hair. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They always have a bad hair. I'm going to be honest, these women. I can't slag off reviewers at this stage. No, I always think they look fantastic. I'm not sure about the tartan pants suit. You're a bit snug.

As an attempt to blend in, I think it's misfired. I went to see Frank's show last night. Where was it? Absolutely blinding. The Guardian. I was standing in the queue with Daisy. You should be a reviewer. Blinding. You shouldn't be backlit, Frank.

Well, there was an awkward moment when I inquired about tickets at our shared management company. I was told, we'll see what we can do, but it is sold out. Nice. Can you imagine how that went down on a scale of one to ten? Can I point out that not all the shows are sold out? Okay. That particular one was. Tickets still available is my nickname on the show. Don't you start.

That's my territory. TSA. TSA Cochrane. That sounds like an American author. Tickets still available, Cochrane. I'd have that. In fact, when we were standing outside your gig, there was a queue.

Oh, there was a queue. It was snaky. It was snaky. It was snaking around the block. I was sat there because I didn't want to get in the queue, even though I had to. I was leaving it to the last possible minute. I'm sorry you had to queue. I know you don't like it.

I wanted to show I was VIP, so I sat there, like a homeless person, on the steps. Right. And Daisy, I couldn't believe it, she said, all these people can't be for Frank. No. I've never... I said...

You said what? I said, he's doing quite well. She said, they can't all be for Frank. I don't think they're all for Frank. See, this is how I'm viewed by those closest to me. Proving that a prophet is without honour in his own land. Yeah. I don't think you should discuss prophet at the Edinburgh Festival either.

No, that doesn't exist. I would have gone to see Alan's show, Frank, but tickets weren't so forthcoming. I won't lie. Well, my show slightly overlaps with Frank's, or rather his overlaps slightly with mine, so you couldn't have done them both on the same night. OK, just saying.

Yeah, it'd be a bit David Frost on Concord. Oh, how similar it would be. Yes, it would really. Anyway, we're off, as they say. And we're off. We've done shows. Giddy up. We're off, and it's lovely to be in probably the world's great artist,

the Arts Festival, do you think? Oh, it's certainly the world's largest. You are. Glad you didn't say that to me. I'm fine with it. Oh, God, what if I'd said that to you? Just like you could have had to hear the sulk through the speakers in your own homes. How terrible it would have been.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You had a review from last night. Uh-oh. Do you want to hear it? No. Well, I don't do reviews. Go on.

Okay. Mitch Price, he says, Frank Skinner, in brackets, in top form for his opening 90 minutes at Edinburgh, mature, measured filth. Oh, that's nice. I don't mind that. I've been called that a few times.

Ha! Yeah. MMF. Yeah, she's MMF. So, I've had a strange week, I must say. Oh, go on. Yeah, I got bitten by something in my garden. Oh. You know, I got bit the other week.

I was talking about how I was putting, um, I was putting spit on your insect bite, weren't I? I was, yeah. Well, I got bitten again, but this one, spit wouldn't have done this one. Well, this is from the SMN community over for a barbecue. No, I, uh, what were you saying? No.

I, I, uh, I went, uh, I had to do a TV show, and can you believe this was how bad it was? I did the show in slippers. You did? Yeah. I couldn't get a shoe on. Wow. You need to get to my age, you can't get a shoe on. I know you expect that.

So, yeah, I actually had black, proper black, shiny. There's a real weird moment. The wardrobe woman said, you're not going to get this shoe on. I'll have to go into town and get you some black slippers. And there was a runner who I guess was about 20, a young woman. She said, black slippers? We're going to get those? That's a good point.

She said, are they really unusual? I don't... Anyway, she got some. Oh, did she? I think you should have done them in flip-flops, like you'd lost your mind. Well, I'm a man who doesn't- I don't wear slippers in the house. You haven't flip-flops in a suit, Frank. I love that. What about those sort of, um, orthopedic slipper things that we got sent to the show? Why couldn't you have done them? No, I didn't have them with me. I don't carry them everywhere on the off chance I go septic.

But so, also I always think there's a man, I probably shouldn't name him, but there was a man that lived in my road when I was a kid who used to go to the shops in his slippers. Uh-huh. And we all used to say, oh, there's Mr., let's call him Mr. S, there's Mr. S in his slippers.

Yeah. And then, sure enough, as my mum put it, his wife got a fancy man. Yeah. Right. It will happen. And, uh, I've always thought, well, you would, wouldn't you? Because you'd think, do I really want to be with Mr. Slipper Man? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, anyway, so I had to do that.

I go to the shop in flip-flops and I've got to wear, is my wife fine, do we think? All right, fair enough. Do you go to the shop in flip-flops and I've got away. Is my wife fine, do we think? All right, fair enough. Do you go to the shop in flip-flops? In flip-flops, in just some, uh... Yeah, but that's a David Beckham hot dad look you're trying to cultivate. Yeah, totally. Let's not lie. That's very much what he's after.

That's absolutely right. Let's move on. But I was, uh... Good work. I had a weeping foot, is what I had. I saw the picture. Yeah, so it swelled up and then stuff come out of it. It oozed. Weeping foot actually would be a great name for a Native American.

For you. Yeah. You come weeping. Today still? Can you do that? No, okay. Yes, I got bitten whole while I was in my garden. So swollen. It was awful. I mean, I got bitten whole while I was in my garden. So swollen.

It was awful. I mean, I actually... You look like Shrek. I was in A&E singing While My Foot Gently Weeps. Trying to lighten the... But it wasn't. But the show with the foot was a very strange experience, which I shall share with you in was a very strange experience, which I shall share with you in just a moment.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So, I turned up to do this TV show. Oh, yeah. And the sound woman, the woman who was doing the sound, thought I'd try some different syntax on my initial sentence. I like that. It's very modern as well. Thanks. She said,

Ah, welcome back to television. Oh. Oh. And of course I started doing that pathetic thing when this happens, going through your CV. For the last few years. Well, actually, I'm doing quite a bit most. For the last few years. When I won. Oh, pathetic. And she said, oh,

well, I don't watch... And then it just tailed away. I just watched television. I had a bad foot. I think it was done in a nice way as well. Welcome back. Oh, welcome back. Oh, dear. Nevertheless, so, anyway,

I did the show and then at the end I, that was the other thing because I said, no, no, I'm doing like, I'll do Room 101 and she went,

really? Like I might be making it up. Oh, can I just say I love that woman. Anyway, well, she said to me as well, she said, well, you guessed,

you guessed on things but you don't actually do your own stuff. Oh, wow. Let it go. Are you sure you didn't have some sort of past with her? No, I definitely didn't. Okay.

I don't know. My past now has got so dim and distant, I can't. I don't know where it's been. So anyway, I ended up in A&E at 10.30 with my foot by now swollen, blistered, red, glowing. And I was in there for two and a half hours. Wow. No, I'm lying.

Three and a half hours. Liar. Three and a half, yes. I don't know what got into me. I mean, Al, have you still not seen the photographs? I've seen a photograph. It looks like, you know, I believe Chris Rock does a bit of material about the larger lady, and I believe he says they look like they bake in bread in her shoe.

That is what your foot looked like. Yes. Does he say that? Yes, I believe so. Weirdo. So, yeah, but it suddenly struck me, because even in the very midst of such difficult situations, I like to think about language and all its intricacies.

Here's the question. Are patients called patients because they have to be patients? They have to wait a long time. I'm serious. Any idea? Can we have that. I'm serious. Any idea? Can we have a... Was it any idea? Yes.

No. If there's any readers that know the answer to that, it's got to be something. It's a bit of a coincidence, patient and patient. And the NHS have all come together in one beautiful moment. So anyway, I was a bit... When I went in, I gave my my birth name i thought you said your birthday you know i was born christopher collins that's my and i gave that name because i thought it's

going to be a bit embarrassing if i'm sitting in a and e and a woman comes out you know it was getting a bit late and some strange people arrive in a and e it can be a scary place and come and says frank skin I'm just going to feel. You know. I don't want anyone shouting, welcome back to television. Yeah. So I'm sitting there. So the nurse come out and says, she said, Gary Vitter.

And there was a man called Gary Vitter who was in there. And I did enjoy that. And his name must have got called through the evening about four times to see various people. And every time she'd come out, I thought, because you're trying to be straight, because Gary Vitter wasn't sitting that far away from me. Yeah. But I knew every time she said it, I was going

to start laughing, and I thought, you know, there's always someone worse off. Oh, yeah. Oh, so, so, yeah, so maybe I'm thinking, so this all happened in my garden, this bite. They told me they think it's a spider bite. Is that right?

Really? Apparently spiders carry a bit more... It got infected. So, um... Frank. I was thinking of gardening as being my gentle retirement thing. And now I see it's like I've taken up...

You know those pensioners at Bungie, John? Yes. To prove it's like that now. Yeah. I'm taking my life. Oh, darling, just pay someone. That's what I do. You know what? I might have done that before,

but I'm surprised you've mentioned it on air. On my face, someone's got her garden done. Yeah, that's true. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from one of our readers. Oh, yeah. This is from Ian.

Ian Penicat, who says, Frank, Emily and Alan, how been ya? Yeah, been ya. As I'm... Yes, fair enough. It's a West Midlands thing. Yes, I know what it is. I can say it very well. How been ya? As I'm usually out on a Saturday morning, I thought I'd email tonight, Friday.

So he's one of our Friday night crew. Oh, yeah. Alan works with them a lot. I've been a long time listening to the podcast and I recently heard of your mild annoyance of the 12ths. Yes. This is to do with the fact that I no longer operate on it. I'll see you at 10 past or be there for 20 past. I'm using the 19s, the 16s, the 17s. It feels great.

I used to be a driving instructor and the practical driving test times in Dudley, as if I need to be told this, were as follows. 907am, 1014am, 1111am, 1238pm and 242.

There was also 820 and 140 available, but I used to ignore those. Anyway, I'm off to catch the 8.35pm to crew to enable me to swill from a bottle of Ricard. Cheers, Ian. Yes, because the 8.35pm, that's sort of spalted, hasn't it? Yeah. I know.

I think there's a reference there to I used to drink Ricard on trains. Yes, that was in what I call your unfortunate years. Yes, it used to make me feel buoyant. I mean, you can criticise it. I felt incredibly buoyant. You can criticise it, yes. Buoyant.

And as I always say, it gave you a lot of room on a train. Even if you were really quiet and just reading the paper, if you were reading the paper and drinking what I used to call a flask of Ricard because it was in a slightly flask-shaped bottle, people don't sit by you. No, I wouldn't. Prejudice.

I don't sit by people drinking on trains at all. I think people drinking on trains is extraordinary. Or any form of public transport. You wouldn't do that on a bus. You wouldn't do that on a tube. I did it on a bus. I've drank on that on a tube. I did it on a bus. I've drank on all of those modes of transport.

Yeah, you too. Guess what? You're not benchmarks of normality. I left a few benchmarks in those. I'm going to do, you know, occasionally I've lapsed into something I said I would never do in my life. And that's the funny things that they say. Oh, yeah.

That parents do. I know it's very awful. But I was changing. It's still available for my show, by the way, on the subject of funny things kids say. Yes. TSA. Yeah, TSA. By the way, I had the doctor in A&E.

I went back and had to see this woman the next day. And she said, I want you to come in tomorrow as well. And I said, I've got to go to Edinburgh. And she said, no, I'm telling you, I need to have a look at this foot tomorrow. And I said, honestly, I have to go. And she said, well, I want to make this clear, you're going against medical advice. And she wrote me a letter to say if I had problems up here I could share what I'd been injected with and stuff.

And she wrote, can I say this patient is in Edinburgh against medical advice? So I'm thinking AMA for my thing. Against medical advice? Against medical advice wouldn't be a bad title for a show in Edinburgh. Do you know, the fact that you did that is so Tom Cruise

and I'm finding it quite sexy. Me too. Well, I I'm finding it quite sexy. Yeah, me too. Well, I knew I'd find something eventually. God knows I've trawled. For me, it was the Rickard on the train. Anyway, I was putting my son to bed, which he generally fights against, and he sleeps with two toys, you know two um cuddly toys and he said uh oh uh blah blah and blah blah they're sleeping i said that's why you've got to go to sleep nice and

quiet oh good idea because otherwise you'll wake them up and he said to me uh well they're just buzzies toys and i thought you can't do that you can't say they're just Buzzy's toys. And I thought, you can't do that. You can't say they're sleeping and then reduce them to inanimate objects. He's torn down the wall, and I love him for that. He's playing with reality. I mean, early on, yeah, the fourth wall's gone completely. I think he might be a filmmaker. And he led me into it with their sleeping.

He is quite young to be aware of that. Yeah, I thought it was a bit scary. I felt like when he'd done it, he'd led me onto the carpet and then pulled it away from under me. It was a trap. I don't think there's any doubt about that. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live

every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Oh, there's a little creaky chair there. Yeah, no, that's my spine. So, yeah, sorry I lapsed into the funny things they say, but can I just add, I was changing his nappy the other day and he looked at me and said, I like John Lewis.

Did he? Yeah. Did he mean the shop or does he know a John Lewis? No, he had been taken to the shop. He thought it might

have been a playgroup with somebody on his list. Can I say I love a retail aware child? Yeah, it would be, I thought that would be a great advert.

It's a brilliant advert. Great radio advert if I'd made it. Maybe get rid of the nappy side of things depending on... Yeah, you don't, you wouldn't need to

have that. It's on radio. Okay. I just need to cut the crap out. I mean, you wouldn't need to have that. It's on radio. OK. I just need to cut the cop there out. You wouldn't like it, but I once walked out with my son on a Sunday afternoon with my wife, and he turned around and went, can we go to the pub?

I thought, if it's what you want, son, yes. So you went to the pub. We went to the pub, got him a bag of crisps. You took him outside with lemonade and crisps. No, I went outside with beer. I just left him somewhere. They used to give them pandacola, didn't they? Honestly, when I first started going to the pub,

when I was, what, 14. Oh, what a lovely anecdote. There used to be kids sitting in cars all over the car park with it. It was like they're like stakeouts. You know when you see that coppers in there? He does. Like that kid sitting there with lemonade and crisps

like they were watching the play. We have some news. News? I thought the Queen had done it. Do you know every morning, every morning, this is absolutely true, I reach across to my phone to see if the Queen's still with us. I do. I go straight to the Sky News app.

I wake up every morning and say, I love John Lewis. Hi, Emily Allen and that guy who used to always be on telly. Oh. Patient comes from the Latin patientem, which is the present participle of pati, to suffer. Kind regards. Oh. Kind regards.

That's from John Symes. So why do we use patient, then, in the other thing? Can I tell you what I like? He's your listener with the OED to hand. So he's obviously an old-school type. And I like him for that. Yeah? What if he just knew it off the top of his head?

That'd be impressive. Brilliant. So... Well, I would say call me. But as you may or may not be aware, I have a boyfriend. Who's in an award-winning HBO drama currently. I think we can... Thank you.

We can probably save you a bit of time by getting an I've got a boyfriend jingle that you can hit. Yes. What about I-G-A-B an I've Got A Boyfriend jingle that you can hit. Yes. What about I-G-A-B, I've Got A Boyfriend? Yeah. What about you saying I've Got A Boyfriend over the Game of Thrones theme? Yes! What about I Sing It to the theme? Yes. That'd be good. We'll sort that out for

next week. We'll get you some studio time, you know what I'm saying? Thank you. Yeah. time, you know what I'm saying? Thank you. Frank? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, I went partying, by the way, when we were back in England before we came up.

Did you? I don't party often. But it was a lovely party we were going to. I think i can say it was david mitchell's 40th oh i'm a big fan of david mitchell yes and um and so uh david baddiel was going and and kath my girlfriend and i lovely and so uh dave said why don't we go together i'm not saying there was any sense of a cab fare shared i'm just saying it was a communal thing so i said okay let's go together and you're local

yeah we live in the same road yeah so i said um okay i said where where's it at um because i can't find the intro and he said, I'll text it to you. Did you actually say, where's the party at? Yeah. Where's the party at? So he texted. Did he say, let's get this party started? Did we fight for the right to party?

Is that what you're wondering before I go on? So anyway, he texted me the address, so I booked a car. Oh, I love Booker C car. So showbiz. So we had our presents in our hands and our party outfits on. We got into the car and we went off. And it drove us to, I think it was an all-right area, but it's an area I wasn't really thinking David Mitchell's 40th. And we ended up at the headquarters of the National Union of Teachers.

Oh, yeah? This is a Saturday. It's a municipal building. Yeah. And David said he had looked it up, and they definitely had public functions there. It didn't look like the kind of place that that would be. So the cab driver said, I can't wait any longer. I've got another job on.

So we were left, me, Dave and my girlfriend, in our party frocks, carrying presents outside a municipal building on a Saturday night, not knowing where the party was. So we said, well, we we had to start phoning people. And was this quite far from where you live? Quite far from where we live and quite far from the party. And I'd kind of forgotten that that's what life with Dave was like. When I hung out with Dave every day, it was basically, you know,

I love Dave profoundly, but a lot of life... Me also, but... ...was about phoning places saying, you know, that Dave left his bag on an airplane or in a cab or stuff like that. Oh, his very denim jacket at a train station. Well, Kath is very similar.

I feel that it's almost like having lived with Dave all those years. I thought, you know, I wouldn't want a female version of this, you know, for extras. And so they're just past the battle. Anyway, so we started... So Dave found, I should note, Dave found quite a very well-known TV personality. Yes. And said, can you tell us?

But not David Mitchell. Didn't go straight to the head honcho. No, we tried that, but of course you can't. You can't call the party boys. No, you can't. People at their own party. No, you can't. Well, we did it, but obviously they weren't answering because he was at his own party.

If it had been my party and I'd have had David Baddiel on the phone saying, I'm standing outside the municipal union of teachers, I wouldn't have been best pleased. No, but at least you'd have had the crying option. If it had been your party. Exactly. Good point. So, anyway, he phoned a well-known TV star. I'm dying to know now. And said, where's the party at?

And they said, well... Hang on, did they say they say well i'm in the kitchen no you'll always find me in the kitchen they said well uh what party i haven't been invited oh no you are joking me that is better that is better please tell me you're joking uh i'm not joking no this is the best news of all year. And it was, oh, God, it was. And it was? You're about to say the name? No, I can't say the name until the music starts. I think it's an old saying,

the party's not over till the fat lady's... Anyway, the party was nearly over. And anyway, there we were. I tell you what it was like. You know when someone's exotic bird gets out of its cage and goes into the garden and is ripped apart by sparrows and stuff because they're jealous of its plumage? That's how I felt in our party gear, standing on the road with people looking at me.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. You can text the show at 812.15, follow the show on Twitter

at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. What's my name again? I-G-A-B. Oh, it was like that Mamad Ali. Who was he fighting? Was it Ernie Terrell? What's my name?

What's my name? It was awful and brilliant. Oh, well, we haven't talked about this morning yet. What about Bieber Belieber? Oh, Bieber and Blue. Oh, Bieber Belieber. It's the best tailors I've ever been to. They did you those pantaloons, didn't they?

They did. Okay, they did rub me a bit under the knee, but a bit of sell attack. They were top notch. Can I just say with Bloom, we will get to this. It's all kicked off with Bieber and Bloom, hasn't it? Orlando Bloom. This is Orlando Bloom hit Justin Bieber.

Is this right? Tried to hit him. Cheered on by Leo DiCaprio. Was he? Apparently so. That I did not know. It's a little bit immature, that. He was cheered on by Lilo. Both Lilo.

Lilo and Leo. Lindsay Lohan. She was there. I imagine she's Lilo and Leo. Yeah. Lindsay Lohan was... Yeah. She was there. I imagine she's never far from a pub scrap. She'd go, Come on! Come on, Lens!

I can imagine that's what Lindsay's like. I love Lindsay. Well, you say a pub scrap. One of the things that I find sad about this whole story is that, you know, if you're going to have a fight, don't make it in a restaurant. I just feel like it's not the right setting is it? I know but I don't know much pub car park

time. Have a fight in a car park or like a jail or Bieber, Belieber and Bloom they've had beef before what they ate prior to it did they? That's what the argument was about they had a steak

no because we should say Bieber, Belieber went on Did they? That's what the argument was about. They thought they had both of them. They had a stick. No, because we should say Bieber Belieber went on a date with Miranda. His ex. Miranda Kerr. Kerr. Who Orlando, who I've got to say is what I call a DJI, don't get it. Oh, really? I don't fancy him at all. He's such a DJI.

Maybe the reason for his famous... Looks like he works in a health food shop. Let's be honest DJI. Maybe the reason for his fame is... Looks like he works in a health food shop. Let's be honest. So what's the reason for his fame other than his looks? He probably knows someone. Is it amazing acting? No, he knows people. You don't think he's a good actor?

No. Poor old... You ought to watch yourself. Pop him on the list. He turns up here on Smosh the Place. You ought to check your privileges. Pop him on the list. I thought he was...

He's all right. He's a bit white billowing shirt, isn't he? Yeah, just pretty. I don't mind that. Calm down. So they had a bit of a ruckus, Frank. He swung for him. He should have told...

They should get him to the ring. Oh, Bloom already asked. Bieber yelled out. Do you know what Bieber said? Well, he said, What's up? And then he used a word used to refer to a female canine. And...

Stop me. Now, I'm just going to lay my ignorance on the table here. When did... Justin Bieber, I've always believed, until this, believed, until very recent time, was basically a white Canadian one-man boy band. Yes.

Very, you know, a guy you can imagine getting in and his mum saying, there's cookies and milk over there. Right. When, here's the question, this could be a texting. Yeah. When did Justin Bieber become G? yes has he become G?

he's G suddenly he's G you see a picture of him now he's still Justin Bieber I thought he was D to be honest you can still see that should be a formal announcement if he's d

when did you do that i meant d the dunce cap oh sorry i thought you meant i thought you meant x5 that'd be awful what about when he posted a photo but i know what you mean he posts these pictures on instagram 53 million followers may i just say on twitter is that all god if i joined twitter he says on twitter he Twitter He uses it to settle scores Of which more in a minute But he also says very literal things Like a picture of him And he said

Sunburned and a moustache You can't just say what you look like I think that's quite right I don't just say Routinely doing And a bit of lipstick There's a picture of him now And he's got all his tattoos

And his hat And he looked like he was going To a fancy dress party As a rapper. It doesn't feel real. He's G. He's gone G. He's called Justin.

Justin G, isn't that? Dustin G. Oh, it's D. Dustin G. I got mixed up. Oh, dear. Life's so complicated. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. this is frank skinner another thing that bieber is alleged to have said i mean none of us know exactly what bieber said to bloom but uh but we think keep it clean was it no at one point he allegedly said she was good. Oh, that's... But let me get... I am confused also about the romantic thing here. This is... Miranda Kerr is not... Miranda Hart. There's been a terrible mistake here. What?

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, Miranda Kerr. She wasn't ponched. She just fell off. No, Miranda Kerr is not married to Orlando Bloom. But was. No, but she was.

At the time when she did the Victoria's Secret show, don't look like you're not a fan, because I know you are, Frank, and she and Bieber allegedly met each other. Oh, did they? At that time. And they were married at the time. You see, they say that he took her home after she'd been a model in the Victoria Secret.

Now, to me, taking, I mean, you know, I haven't done it for a long time, but the whole point of taking a woman home was to see her in her underwear. Yes. What's the point of taking someone home after a Victoria Secret show? Put some clothes on. Save myself a bit of bother. Cab fare in the morning, scratching around for them waiter bicks.

You know, and it's, why would he do that? Yeah. And also, it would have been milk and cookies. I think when the door closes, Bieber becomes Bieber again. Do you think he gets a bit... All those rough mates. Buzz doesn't want to go sleepy time. I think he does... Buzz doesn't want to go sleepy time. I think he does.

Bieber doesn't want to go sleepy time. I'll tell you what he started wearing. You know those very tall baseball hats that hip-hop people... What does Americans generally wear? The only guy I know who wears one of those, I've seen a lot of geeks,

and he's basically got a recording studio under his hat he does bootlegs and he's got it's the it's the biggest you know when people sneak in recording equipment i mean he's got he's got a mixer desk and everything under his hat he sounds good and it's a high those with the slight gauze on them oh yeah and the label always with the label uh-huh it's a mystery that was very be Oh, yeah, and the label, always with the label. Uh-huh. It's a mystery to me. That was very Bieber and Bloom, wasn't it? Always with the label. Also, there was a picture, wasn't there,

of Bloom apparently in tears after. Bloom was crying. But was he crying, or was he just rubbing his eye a bit? No, that wasn't taken that night. No, it wasn't. That was a standard stock shot, which Bieber had, God love him, spent some time Googling, I would imagine, possibly by Getty Images, who knows.

He'd have got one of his posse. Yeah. Hey, get me one of them pictures of Bloom. Can you, Google, have a check on Landon Bloom? Sure, boy, it's anything you say. Yeah, just do it now. Where's my cookies gone? Where are my cookies?

Did you see them anywhere? A little slice of life from the home life of... Yeah. Bebe, Bebe. But Orlando Bloom is 20 years older than him, and he swung at him and missed. It's unforgivable. I side with Theodore Roosevelt on this,

that there's no excuse for hitting softly. Oh, I like your modern heroes heroes Ideally don't hit at all but if you must hit there's no excuse for hitting I'm team Bloom though I had a mate who was a gas fitter Congratulations He was working in this person's house they'd gone out

and he was there with this young apprentice he was about 17 and this big dog came and they didn't even and he was there with this young apprentice it was about 17 and this big dog came and they hadn't didn't even know there was one in the house the woman had gone out and the dog stood there right by the side of this apprentice and went and they were both scared and he said that the young guy picked up this hammer and he said i said to picked up this hammer, and I said to him, you'd better make it a good'un.

You'll just wrap him on the end of the nose. So maybe that's the secret with Bieber. Make it a good'un. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I was going to read you a brief text that we've just received. Don't we like? Shall I? Don't we like?

Frank, I'm confused. I've been out in the car and heard a very amusing story about queuing for your show. Came back in and heard the same thing all over again. Does the internet version of your show run an hour later? Who wants to know? Er, 9-0-0. Er, what happens is that we go out... Who wants to know?

Like you're in some East End pub and you've smashed a bottle. Yeah, Orlando Bloom. Who's asking? Well, er, yes, what happens is that we go out live on Absolute Radio, the station, Absolute Radio, and then an hour later we go out live on Absolute Radio, the station, Absolute Radio. And then an hour later, we go out, we are networked on Absolute Radio's other stations. 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, noughties, zeros.

Yeah. The 17th century, absolute 17th century. Oh, I love that one. Absolute Legend, that's the one that I do. I just interview people. Absolute Nightmare, that's the love that one. Yeah. Absolute legend. That's the one that I do. I just interview people. Absolute nightmare. That's the one I do. Yeah, I think... The relationship phone in I do.

My advice on how to be in a relationship. When he hasn't put a kiss on a text or something. Absolute nightmare. I hope that answers your question. Yeah. I thought it would be just worth reminding the people. No, I see why you read it out loud.

It's a good way of subtly making that point to people. It's great the way you did that. It's very organic. Thanks, guys. Thanks. If we say something brilliant, you can switch over and listen to it again. Yeah. I would.

One of the decade channels, I believe we call them. Al, can you stop doing that with your chair? Because it's making a noise. Yeah. Doing what with my chair? I don't know, but it's a bit squeaky. You know that. Yeah.

OK, fair enough. I'm tempted to go a-wandering. Email corner. We've arrived. Slightly pan-piped. That's harmony that you went for there. I like the idea now of our three-person canoe Just sliding up to the bank in email corner

And us clambering out Oh, lovely Indeed I have an email here It would seem Frank's continuing comments On the deplorable state of the nation's oral health Have been heeded Bad breath

Bad breath, yeah Bad breath is everywhere And it's increasing It's growing I've just read. Have you smelt any in Edinburgh? You know what? I think breath... I mean, I've smelt a bit of drink on people's breath,

I'll be honest with you. I've smelt air and brew. But that's a different thing. I love it. According to my... I haven't really been out and about much because of my septic foot, but the Scottish people I've met, I have not... You're in the Canterbury Tales.

Can I say I've not yet found bad breath north of the border? What about that? That could be an interesting thing. Because all that stuff about the diet... You say that, but now Alan's here. Bring it. Indeed. So anyway, yes. We should say Alan has lovely breath. Well, the more we talk about it, the more paranoid I get.

No, I think we have to make a pact that we tell each other. I say this to Kath all the time, that she must tell me. I told my wife that she had pepper in her teeth, and she went mad because there was a waiter there. And she said, you should have waited until they'd gone away. And I was thinking, well, I was saving you from talking to him with pepper in your teeth. Why did she care about him? Was she having an affair with him or something?

What? Also, I particularly like you saying, I've told Cass, she's got to tell me. Yeah, she's really the type to hold back. But you know, I think that's, I was doing a show the other week and I said to my fellow presenter, um, bat in the cave, left barrel.

Did you? How did it go down? Well I think that ultimately people are great. Bat in the cave? Yeah barrel. Did you? How did it go down? Well, I think that ultimately people are... Bat in the cave? Yeah. Let you know that. It's a nostril. It's a nostril thing. Oh, is it?

Yeah. And, um... Oh, what, like a dangler? Not a nostril hair? Oh, we don't have to. People are having their breakfast. But, um, it's... I don't think you're ever quite forgiven for it,

but they're grateful if you get that. I don't care if I really like it. I love it when they're grateful. Have you got a eureka moment? Yes. Yeah, so I've become fascinated by the whole bad breath thing, so let's speak more. The email from Mary continues.

I've just read... I just said, can we speak more? Are you not listening to me? Is that what's happened now on this show? Hello? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

I believe we're going to come back to the halitosis thing, but just to while away a couple of minutes, we've had a quick email that I thought I'd share with you frank do it uh good morning frank emily and alan just thought i'd ask for your opinion on the decision taken by west brom to switch to a thin blue pinstripe for the coming season i understand football doesn't get much of a look in on the show but obviously this is from a solely sartorial point of view

yes that's acceptable in that sense well it's sort of a history discussion the question is even if you're into football I think you can appreciate this, if a team which is very much a community centred thing is associated with a certain shirt over the years that people get, should you suddenly change it? The way Cardiff City

known as the Bluebirds for playing in blue suddenly switched to red and uh it's not so red i mean literally so red a color change is extreme so um but the fans have tremendous power in in shirt in the shirt world because you can just stop buying them i want to give bieber and bloom a call yeah if you don't get them from the replica shop they'll soon go back to the old shirts it was that i'm not saying that that's what should be done i'm not calling for a revolution by any means why don't you burn your season ticket that always does well uh people do not prepare to do that sorry oh they make such a big thing it's like

well so what someone else will just buy it there's a blokeke at Wolverhampton Wanderers who went up and pinned his season ticket to the door as a protest. What about when Adrian Charles did that? God, it was embarrassing. Hang on. He's not finished his little joke. Has he got a joke? It's a good old joke.

His mind went back and someone had stole the drawing pin. There we go. Oh, that was a lovely joke. Thank you very much. Is he an absolute legend? Well spotted, Al. But he wasn't done yet.

I do know old jokes. It's not up there with... If you didn't hear last week's show, I can understand why you might find that last moment disturbing. Trust me, it's the future. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So, um...

Bad breath. So, bad breath. Your topic of choice. This expert from the States... Sorry, that's my car arrived. Hang, the clown's turned up. Not me, that's not my tech sound. Is it not?

I believe it's Alan Cochran, is it? No, it was Charlie. Oh, OK. Do you want your Charlies arrived? Yeah. Oh, God, it's all going to be rock and roll. Still, what happens in Edinburgh? Yeah, exactly.

It's all right, I just went back for a bit. I'm back again. This American expert to the rich and famous has written a book, and he's apparently coming to the UK. He's written a book called The Bad Breath Bible. Dr Harold Katz. Dr Harold Katz. The Bad Breath Bible.

He said Harry Katz. Isn't Harold Katz. Harry Katz? The bad breath Bible. He said Harry Katz. Isn't that what knocks the bins over in China? Can you actually do that? I'm not sure, but you do. Well, my view is... Oh, no, he's going to do his view now. What we used to be told is... Please don't do your views.

It's been good doing this show, hasn't it? Is that the target of your joke should be up rather than down. Oh, yeah. this show on it the target of your joke should be up rather than down yeah and the chinese are probably now the world superpower certainly they're right with america so i think it's all right to start doing that the aricats jokes yeah we've all got diplomats community marvelous yeah um frank seven 1700 pounds That's a bit expensive. That was your takings last night. Oh, sorry. That is how much Dr Harold Katz charges for...

For the bad breath Bible? Yeah. No, for him to meet them. No, for a consultation to make your breath better. So he basically has a whiff of you and then... It's quite a lot of money. Helps fix you somehow. Can I say, the bad breath Bible,

is there an old Pepsodent and a new Pepsodent? I thought it had a lot in it that you would like. I had a feeling that there would be some Nazarene based puns on their way. He has a device called the Halimeter. Oh, I'd like one of those. Which measures all the sulphide gases in your mouth.

Is it, would you pronounce it the Halimeter? Oh, I'm sorry. I would have gone for the halimeter because of halitosis. I'm so relieved we've cleared that up. No, but you're emphasising limits. That makes sense too because it's sort of limiting the smell. But hali is how we say halitosis, isn't it? We don't say halitosis, do we? I don't.

Anyway, answers on a postcard. Yes. If you get 2,000... Let's throw the whole thing off. That's what I don't. Anyway, answers on a postcard. If you get 2,000 if you get a score of 2,000 on the Hallie meter, forget it. You may as well just stay. I mean, that is terrible. That's the worst score

you can get. You're probably like a lion. Imagine a lion with terrible breath. Their breath would be bad. You're not going to look at them. But no one comes that close to them to be fair well i suppose if they do they're not worried about their breath not worried as you would be you know i've always fancied my chances against a lion i've thought of this before yeah i think if you get a really tight grip around their waist they can't get their

claws and teeth at you and you just hold on until they starve to death. Can I ask you a thing? Which animal do you think... Which animal has the worst breath? The dog, probably. Do you think the dog? I think dogs generally have awful breath. I bet gorillas aren't great. If you think it through.

No, but gorillas aren't good. I don't know, I imagine... There's quite a lot of greens in it for gorillas. That's good, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I think Harry Katz says... He says pineapple and tomato are the biggies.

Who does all that? I love the fact that he blames citrus fruit and he's coming to the UK to tell people, oh, the problem is you're eating too much pineapple. Really? Yeah. It's all those Hawaiian pizzas, isn't it? And pina coladas.

In Hawaii, it must be a big problem. You'd think, wouldn't you? I never noticed it when I was there. I know I sound like I'm slightly obsessed with this, but I do think it's a national epidemic that's going ignored. They're going about the avians and all those sorts of things. The avians. The swines.

They go on about the avians and all those sorts of things. The avians. The swines. But everyone's letting this thing get out of hand. There used to be adverts about it and that telling people. Yeah. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Angle, regular texter.

Ah, angles on. Yep, the animal with the worst breath is the alligator. That's good. Oh, that is good. That's why I took a second run up at it. I didn't want to ruin his joke by bad reading. If you're accused of bad breath, would it be a halligation? We are in Edinburgh, so can I talk a bit

about what I've been up to? Yes, I want to know. You've got your little shows, you two. And Daisy and I have been hitting the town. Nice. I went to see your show. Can I be totally honest with you? I was slightly disappointed

I didn't get recognised. Because I was slightly disappointed I didn't get recognised. Because I was laughing loudly. And I was saying things like, I know, we do that on the show. Really hoping people would go around and go, are you Emily? Yeah. Didn't happen.

Oh, dear. Nada. Daisy and I, however, had popped along earlier to see the OC's stand-up show. You know, the OC of Absolute Radio. It's all in the company, isn't it? So we went along to see the OC's stand-up show. You know, the OC of Absolute Radio. Christine O'Connor. It's all in the company, isn't it? So we went along to see the OC's show,

largely hoping I'd get recognised, and I did. Ah. Luckily. I built it and they came. Was it from Day of the Triffids? I said very loudly, no, no, no, you go in front of me while I wait to see my Absolute Radio colleague.

All right, yeah. I just said, you go in front of me. I wanted her to know.ute Radio colleague. I just said you go in front of me and I wanted her to know. I talked a lot and she went, oh, it's Emily. One thing Absolute Radio don't do to my lawyers is the t-shirt. I thought radio stations basically thrived. Oh, I can't wear one of those. That'd be embarrassing.

No, but you could get it altered. Oh, I could do a little knot in it. Yeah, all I know. A bit sexy. Yeah. That's how I've got mine done today, innit? It's nice. Looks lovely. Thanks. Anyway. This is not a knot in mine.

It's a growth. It's just sitting on a growth. It's another insect. I've come to call it the crop top shelf. I just let the T-shirt gather on the growth, and it just sits there. It's all right. The woman took a picture i said

don't put that on twitter my makeup's not not great i don't look good i turned a bit she went oh okay she was lovely hi amanda uh but what was awful was just i was on the phone i was waiting for daisy because she'd gone to get a coffee 6 15 a bit weird who gets a coffee at 6 15 if a boyfriend said that would be very suspicious. Anyway, she disappeared. She went on a date. Do you want to go for coffee at 6.15? No, I'd put that up there with taking the mobile into the toilet. I'm going for a

coffee. So I'm on the phone to my boyfriend. What about when they say, I'm just going out for some fresh air? Does anyone say that in the real world? What the dog? We haven't got a dog. Do they only say it on East End? Just go and get a bit of air. I'm just having an affair.

Oh, sorry. I meant go and get a bit of air. So I'm on the phone to my boyfriend. I have to grab him while I can. He's on set. On the set of his award-winning HBO drama. Yeah. Hashtag first world problems.

So we're on the phone. I said, I'm just going to go and see the OC. Suddenly I hear, hello. The OC came on the phone. I said, I'm just going to go and see the OC. Suddenly I hear, hello! The OC came up behind me. I screamed so loudly. It was like I'd seen Nosferatu. My boyfriend screamed because I screamed. It was awful.

The OC screamed. Nosferatu the vampire. The OC screamed. So this was before the show? Yeah, we all screamed. See, I don't like seeing people before the show. I think it was Binky Beaumont who spoke about the magic of theatre. Yeah.

It's all right afterwards, but before, you want to believe that they just dwell in that world on stage. It kind of ruined it a bit. And the OC said, oh, I'm a bit nervous now. And I felt I'd ruined it. But we did go and see the show. I think I got recognised by one other person. That was all I cared about. I thought you were going to tell us about the show. and see the show uh i think i got recognized by one other person that was all i cared about i thought you were going to tell us about the show no no the show was great the show was brilliant reviews of both shows have been i was recognized and i wasn't recognized this is

perfect now i knew that she liked the oc show so i was able to be relaxed yes i did like the fantastic yeah it's called breaking Down. It was really funny. And I didn't have to pretend laugh, which is always a relief. I was genuinely laughing, which was good. The thing that I do, if I'm in a small gig, because people look at comedians in the audience and see if they're laughing. If I'm not liking it, I get my... I form a sort of V sign, but not meaning a V sign, with my fingers. And I rest my hand on my chin and I raise my

upper lip. Yes, because you did that when we saw Alan's show. Ouchie. Ouchie. I've ruined everything. Frank. So it looks like a smile in gloomy lighting.

It looks a bit like a Doberman Fincher about to attack. Yeah, but I think that's all right. I think an actor will take that over in difference. Oh, yeah. I think we all will. Frank, what about when I went to see Russell Grant's Strictly Edinburgh? Hold that thought. I think we'll... forever.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. Not that many texts today. A little bit further to come, I suppose. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So, we're up in Edinburgh. AMA. Against medical advice. Yeah, you shouldn't even be here. I decided when I got off the train yesterday

there was only one place I wanted to go. One show I wanted to see. I'm afraid that wasn't your show, Frank Skinner. That wasn't your show, Alan Cochran. That was Russell Grant's Strictly Edinburgh. I've been waiting to see this show all my life, practically. I can understand that. Russell Grant, he makes me feel fine.

I'm a Russell Grant fan. When he's blowing down the back roads of my mind. That's against medical advice. Russell Grant! When his show's called Strictly Edinburgh, does he only do stories that happen within an EH postcode? That would be Strictly Edinburgh, wouldn't it be? Hold your high horses,

you'll find out. Oh. Hold my high horses what? How can I begin to describe this show, really, to you? I have no idea what it's going to be. I'll tell you what happens. So on the poster,

it's enticed to meet Bruce Forsyth. There's a quote from Bruce Forsyth, none too shabby. Who is this, it says. It's done over the phone. Who is this? No, he in fact says, Russell Grant is what show business is all about.

Yeah. Don't end on about. I didn't like that. It was a bit messy. Was that what he ends on? It was a preposition or something. I honestly thought he would have ended on his golf handicap. He plays off a three.

Anyway, so there's not a huge house, I won't lie, but it was a preview. Yeah. And also, it's beginning the festival. Yeah, it's the beginning. We're still on the ramp. We haven't reached the upper level. We've all got empty chairs. The set is promising. The set is promising.

The set is promising. There's a pair of feathered wings. Okay. A purple wig. Yeah. A throne. And a dressing screen. I like it already.

Yeah. Russell Grant comes on. There's a huge picture of a chandelier as well. Lovely. A picture of a chandelier? Yeah. Yeah. There's a projected image of it.

Because of the health and safety. Like in a full chandelier. Imagine if he He's got a very, very glittery shirt on. If a man should have a chandelier death, it's probably Russell Grant. He's wearing too much crumpling near a lit chandelier.

No, I just said, I imagine it falling on him. Can you hear the sound effect? It'd be... I couldn't do the tinkling. There'd be more tinkling. Definitely. But it's how he'd want to go, I think. He's wearing a very... What I'd do is I'd have it raised, and obviously

you'd have been so pierced by it, he'd still be connected to it. And I'd have him hanging in my house as part of this. So his spirit was, you know, ever in my midst. That would be nice, yeah. Fang, let me tell you about the show. Oh, sorry. He's wearing a glittery shirt.

He'd stolen it off Strictly. Can I say... How do you? Because when he shows a clip of Strictly, he's got the shirt on. The same self, the shirt on the same self same shirt i could have told you that he's wearing a glittery shirt i don't know that and i could have told you that he showed a clip of himself on strictly just as a guest i thought the bbc might have said no he thanks them at some point i'd like to thank my friends who allowed me to show that clip nice i don't think uh gm good morning britain allowed him to show clips he sits down

he comes on and he starts dancing he does a song first and instead of rex harrison style it's along the sort of who am i from the miserable style grown accustomed to her face yeah um then he opens a book called my life with glittery pom-poms hanging off it yeah it was a book on the length of his life and then he starts reading about his life. Some of it. I mean, there are some dark periods. He says, I went through some dark periods. I got up to 27 stones, he says. And then he says, but let's

dance. Let's dance to Dana's Something's Cooking in the Kitchen. Oh, yeah, something's cooking in the kitchen. Oh, no wonder he got up to 27 stones. Yeah, there's always something cooking in this kitchen. It, no wonder he got up to 27 steps. Yeah, there's always something cooking in this kitchen. It was on the back burner, so to speak.

He gets up on stage with a bowl and an egg whisk. He starts dancing to it. Does he? Yeah. Something's cooking in the kitchen.

Something's cooking in the kitchen. There's a lot of Gloria Gaynor. There's a lot of Gloria Gaynor. Is that a term I should be more familiar with? Gloria Gaynor, well, the final song but

once i was afraid i was petrified first i was afraid sorry i'm not very good on there song lyrics today well that was the end i mean the only one i'm really confident of is oh well there was so much going on he ripped open his shirt at one point you're what having a black t-shirt saying i am samba oh he had something on under it. He said, I am Samba. You shouldn't give away his big reveals. But it might be another dance on another day. I think he's worn that shirt before

to be fair. I want to come back to this because I'm just laughing at it so much. I'm going. Me too. We're all going. Shall we all go? You'd go again, wouldn't you? Go again? I'm going every night for the rest of my life. OK. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

So we're at Russell Grant's Strictly Edinburgh. He's just ripped off his glittery shirt to reveal I am Samba. There's a few technical hitches. There often are early doors, as we know. I am Simba. Judging by the breath. A couple of his pictures. That's a few technical hitches. There often are early doors, as we know. I am Simba. Judging by the breath. A couple of his pictures. That's a joke, actually.

His breath smells abusive. How do you know? I've met Russell. Russell Grant did my star chart. Did he? Yeah. Well, he's at great pains to point out. He says, I did a bit of astrology, but I'm an actor.

I'm a trained actor. Oh, now he tells me. Does he? Payed through the nose for a star chart. Well, I looked up his website online. He does do online. I think it's £1.53 a minute. What?

No, this was a proper... I have a document with astrological symbols. All right, Neville Chamberlain. I spoke this morning with the astrologer, Russell Grant. As from midnight, we are at water. I mean, you might have a document. I'm mixing two speeches together.

You might have a document from Russell Grant, but I'm not sure it's legally binding. Well, he said that my... He's got to fulfil his promises. He said my... Might land you in legal hot water, though. No, this is honestly true. He said my career would last seven years.

Yeah. Right. And that I would never hold down a long term relationship. Is that what he said? Yeah. It's quite a big thing to get in a star chart. Well, it turned out he was wrong. Something was cooking in the kitchen. It was his.

He'd actually given me his. Or did he say we'll never hold down? Oh, he might have. See, the reason I've not been to see his show yet is that I'm an Aquarian, and it says, you know... He's an Aquarian. Does he say that? Why don't you two make beautiful water music?

I'm an Aquarian. That's a good idea, yeah. Oh. I'm Spartacus as well. No, I'm... He explains that he had a long time off. He's not that specific, is he, Daisy, about why? He said he had a dark period in his life.

Well, no-one called. No, OK. I mean, we've all had those periods in our careers. I didn't realise. My phone was on silent for three years. But he's good at... Loads of stuff coming in. What Russell's very good at is what I call the this-morning gear change.

Oh, yeah. So he'll talk about that, this bleak period. He felt life was not worth living. Oh, dear. I thought it was going to be fun, fun, fun. Let's listen to Big Fun. Don't blame it on sunshine. And then you get up and you have a dance, which is lovely. The audience dance?

Yeah. Oh, you've got to dance. He goes, come on, madam, at the back. That's me. Oh, dear. That was you? Yeah. Madam. Bit young for madam, surely. Then... Give me the back thinking. I've been recognised, finally! He'd be a lousy counsellor, wouldn't he?

And then, you know, and then the relationship broke down. Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. That's terrible, terrible news. Still, what about Lulu to Sir Widlock? To Sir... Come on, everybody, we'd love. Stop crying. Frank, at one point, he called a gentleman up on stage.

And he said, will you be my puck? I think that was the character. And he made him put some, he said, put the wings on. He did Shakespeare. He did Shakespeare. He said, put some wings on, put some wings on. Grant does Shakespeare. He couldn't free the wings from the purple wig.

Happens to us all. So he got a bit frustrated. And he said, just leave it. Oh, no, did he? Really? And the wig was stuck to the wings. The purple wig was stuck to the feathers. Did he sing, what is this wig beneath my wings?

I have to say He was brilliant I want everyone to go see it You know what it's like in these early doors with shows And he got frustrated So he just said look just leave it So he got on with the show So he didn't say that comment No he certainly didn't

My favourite moment was at the end and it was all building up to this was there was a better moment than just leave it i can't find that amazing this is the show that keeps on giving well one of the photographs wouldn't work and he was a bit cross with someone one of the staff yeah he sounds like a man on the edge it's a nerve-wracking time in Edinburgh. But at the end, he said, right, I want to see everyone on this stage. Wow. Gloria Gaynor, I never can say goodbye.

I took this rather too literally, so I went running up to the stage. Ha-ha! Yeah. Well, that's fine. I started dancing. Daisy was still standing in the audience, laughing, taking pictures of me.

I just thought, I'm going to have to style this out. I thought Frank would want me to style it out like a professional. A few women got up, one Scottish woman went, oh, she's at the front. I think it's going to say, two security blokes. Thought it was a picture version. Russell, who by this stage had put a full-length evening wear on, dress, turned around to me and said,

great number, isn't it, this one? Meaning the dress or the song? The song, as we danced. Not as in, nice number you're wearing. Yeah. Brilliant. So I want everyone in Edinburgh to go and see Russell Grant's Strictly Edinburgh. I insist we all go, it's a show outing.

It's a fabulous show. It really does sound absolutely... Just leave it. That's what I love. Just leave it. The Guardian. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Can I just say how relieved I am to have remembered to come to this show today? I think because we're in Edinburgh and it's a Saturday morning show and we're all out of sync with our normal lives, I was extremely worried that I may forget to come along this morning.

That's what it means so little to you. I've had a bit of a week of forgetting things that are actually important to me, like I booked a flight to come to Edinburgh for the festival for the 31st of July and then I got invited to the stand press launch where I'm playing on the night of the

31st of July. TSA? I read the email and thought that's strange that they're having the press launch in the room that I'm playing tonight I'm playing on that night rather and I start 10 past 10 and they're having the press launch in the room that I'm playing tonight. I'm playing on that night, rather. And I start 10 past 10, and their press launch starts at 9pm. Surely they're not going to have wrapped it all up. And then I had to scroll through my emails,

and I realised that I'd booked a flight a day after I was starting my Edinburgh Festival run, and I had to change it. I had to phone up and go, I need to come up a day earlier. I also... Did they let you change it, or had to phone up and go, I need to come up a day earlier. I also... Did they let you change it or did you have to buy a new ticket? No, I had to pay an adaptation fee. I don't think it's called that. Adaptation?

Whatever it is, you know what I mean. It's like Andrew Davis with the dickens. Like a clerical fee. Some admin. Admin fee is probably what it is, isn't it? Peter's pants. So then I did said preview and I know already, Frank, that you will empathise with this,

because every comic I've spoken to about this has nodded as if to go, yep, I've been there, fella. I was approaching my closing routine, which includes a callback to a previous routine, and I realised as I was sort of walking up to it that I hadn't done the previous routine that it references. Oh, why did you do that? I'd missed a chunk of the show, and then I was about to call back to it that I hadn't done the previous routine that it references. Oh, why did you do that? I'd missed a chunk of the show, and then I was about to call back to it, and every comic in this city that I've told it to has gone, yeah, yeah, it's hard that, innit, where you have to suddenly backpedal.

So what did you do? I did... Oh, I love the science of comedy, though. I did what I like to call a really terrible, hasty rewrite, and got away with it. But it was fine fine it was a preview anyway but i my forgetfulness i'm worried about it i think i've got misplaced priorities i brought with me briefs for sports whilst up here you know i've told you before that um by day i like boxer

shorts but for sport activities i prefer to be held yeah i actually felt liquid rising honestly that's why i wear the briefs acidic liquid rose but the fact i remembered that and i remembered bike lights in case i buy a bicycle while i'm up here briefs show me the way to go let's let's face it we'll all do with a bit of warning If you're approaching But I forgot a chunk of the show The whole raison d'etre of the trip I mean It's difficult

You're in the trip now are you? Yeah I missed a couple of bits Oh good Glad to hear it Glad to hear it One of them was the real Not the rude bits

One of them's the real Bring the house down Not that rude bit They're the worst I'm not there that rude bit Getting the box office to call everyone back just to go in and do that line.

That would be good. I'd set it up first. Remember that bit where I, or what I should have done was. But I mean, I think you just have to accept you're going to forget some bits early on. You think? Yeah, and I don't know if people really.

I once did a gig in Gothenburg in Sweden. Really? And I started a routine, I just chuckburg in Sweden and I started a routine I just chucked in and I realised that the punchline was a reference to Bernard Manning who is not known his Swedish following was how did you cope with that?

there was a little man in my brain going through the filing cabinet that said Scandinavian overweight bigots to see if I could, and I didn't know anything. So in the end I said Bernard Manning in a way that sounded as funny as possible. About three people laughed, sensing there must be something in there somewhere. Yeah, there was something cooking in the kitchen.

Yeah, there was. Thanks, Russell. I thought I heard a Russell. And there's a Russell in your hedgerow. I wonder And there's a Russell in your hedgerow. I wonder if he's ever been in a hedgerow. If you know that Russell Grant, if you have an example of him being in a hedgerow, could you text it in? I'm kind of intrigued. He's in Wales now.

Does he? Nice. Yeah. OK. You learn a lot about him in this show. There's no stone unturned. 27 of them. That learn a lot about him in this show. There's no stone unturned. No. 27 of them. That's a lot of time.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've had a text in, Frank, from Helen. OK. Who says, Hi, I met Russell Grant at a New Year's Eve party in Porthmadog a few years ago. He was lovely and said my top was very boho. He's a silver-toed rascal. He was sat by the buffet.

That's Helen in Hawley. We've also had an email, just literally just news in. Morning, team. Is this part of broken Britain? When checking my grocery delivery, I noticed that the corned beef tins were missing their keys. I was told that people took them to use in place of a pound coin to obtain a shopping trolley.

What is wrong with these people? A pound is only a deposit and is reimbursed when the trolley is returned. Even Alan, who is cautious with a quid, surely wouldn't do this. Regards, Wilf Bean. Steady on. Can I be honest? I don't use those. I don't understand them. The trolleys?

Yeah. Well, where do you put the pound? You put it in a slot and then... I've tried it. It never works. The pound presses the metal. Oh, well, it's too technical already. Can't you just get someone to help you? To be fair, Frank didn't get very deep into the engineering of it.

The pound presses the metal. Sounds like someone's fault. When you put it back, you get your pound back. So of it. Pound presses the metal. When you put it back, you get your pound back. So, I mean, they're quite right. I don't want the pound presses the metal. It's like some Sheffield foundry. I just want someone to carry my stuff for me. Well, that's all very well.

Much though I love corned beef, I don't use the little keys off there. I have a key fob that my in-laws got me that says Alan and it's got like a fake pound on it. That was a nice birthday present. It's got a fake pound on it. So you can get your own deposit back as it were. For if you're ever at the supermarket without a pound. I'm just googling the details of a citizen's arrest.

You have to go to the correct procedure. Try it pal, you try it. You have to go through the correct procedure. Yeah. Try it, pal. You try it. I don't like the use of pal there. You know how excited I was about Russell Grant and continue to be so? I was quite excited. I didn't go.

I've also been very excited this week about Kate Moss. Me too. Oh, yes. Because I'm a huge fan of all aspects of her work says someone who works in the fashion industry like the line there i know you are yeah but i was a particular fan of her work this week because she did some fabulous blagging did you see this she got on a flight uh i believe it was easy jet i don't know because i've never flown EasyJet. Really? Oh, you sound surprised, my friend. Okay, well, you know, if it's good enough for Gatemont, I certainly have because hence the famous headline.

I was photographed getting on EasyJet and the headline in the mirror, I think, was Frank Skinflint. Oh. I think everyone... Frank Skinflint. But I think bargain airlines are home to all sorts of people. Can I tell you what worries me? Well, Kate Moss, for example. David Baddiel.

It's a surprise. Can I tell you what worries me? If I'm going on, as you call it, Frank, Metal Bird in the Sky, I don't want it to be like a mosh pit at a fall gig. Do you want it to be a moss pit? Oh, yeah. Very good. I want allocation.

Right. That's what I need. It's the name of the game. That's what you need. So she was... It was said she was inebriated by some onlookers. We can't be sure of that. No, we can't.

Of course. I'm sure she was just happy. But people's tweets said so. I'm sure she was just drunk. No, we don't know. Can I say we was just drunk. No, we don't know. Can I say we don't know? No, we don't. And she'd been on a detox break in Turkey. Yep. Epic fail. Well, she'd come

back possibly inebriated. Yeah. I suppose you would after a detox. Oh, yeah. You've got to go for it. I mean, that's what I'm like. The stroke of midnight on Good Friday when I've been fasting all day. I'm ready to rock ready to rock?

now that's the point you see where I believe that there should be special rules that get you through quickly I think I should be able to walk into KFC midnight Good Friday and there should be fast track and I say fast track for people who've been fasting

and go straight through so sometimes i think it's okay we'll find out in a minute if it was okay with the kate moss the frank skinner show listen live every saturday morning from eight on absolute radio so mossy i was initially horrified, obviously, that she'd flown commercial. But I was very impressed to discover that she appeared to have blagged her way onto the flight, onto the EasyJet flight. No payment necessary. Well, we don't know, again, if this is the case. I thought she'd blagged her way on without a passport.

Son's passport. Oh, no passport either. That's extraordinary. Well, you know, she's Kate Moss. Her face is her passport, literally. Yeah, exactly. either. That's extraordinary. But, you know, she's Kate Moss. Her face is her passport, literally. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Well, I saw Nick Grimshaw is always saying nice things about Kate Moss. Mr. Grimshaw! He was, he said, I was interested, he said she treats everyone the same. Oh. But I found I was the same. I couldn't possibly when I was drinking. When you're drinking, everyone else is like the Arsenal mural. They're just faces.

So you do treat them all the same. Your family, complete strangers. You befriend people on the street and stuff like that. So it might be evidence to that effect. Yeah, but good blag. Not as good as the time I went to Blur v. Oasis playing football.

Wasn't a glamor fixture particularly. And I got a lift from the fireman. I told you about that. I blagged the lift off the fireman because I needed a cash point. And because it was a charity football game, I thought everything, but it turned out it wasn't free. So I said, I've got no cash. So I said, would you mind, where's the cash point? I hinted.

And they said, we'll give you a lift. So I got on the fire engine in the back. It was great. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. When was this? About 1996, 1997. It's late, you're in my house. They were about 35 minutes late.

Stopped at the newsagent, bought them all Magnums. They said, can we have your number? Bought a Magnum? They said, can we have your number? I said no. They said, oh well, you know ours. I thought it was quite good. I bought them ice creams, yeah.

Magnum, 25 years this year. Have you seen that? It's the Magnum anniversary. Is it? Oh, is it? In Oxford, in Regent Street, in central London. Oh, yes, they've got special silver ones. Big balloons celebrating 25 years of an ice lolly.

What's happened to it? Yeah. Commercial thing. an ice lolly. What's happened to a commercial thing? I was at a football match with a boy and hero of mine, Jeff Astle, who played for West Brom. And we had to get back. I'd been to a game in Portsmouth with him and he said,

we need to get back to the hotel. And there was loads and loads of traffic. He said, I'll get it. He saw a West Brom scarf out of a window. He just stood in front of it and they stopped. He said, we need a lift to our hotel, blah, blah, blah. So they just drove it, drove us, because it was him. That's amazing.

And then, and me and Dave tried it. Me and David Baddiel, we left Wembley. And we said, do you remember that thing I told him about with Jeff Astle? So we just flagged the car down and said, can you give us a lift to Hampstead? Which is probably, what, six miles? Yeah, what did they say? They said, yeah, sure, jump in. No. So there's a whole brand of celebrity hitchhiking.

Celebrity or being, yeah, I mean, I got a lift from the police once. Well, we all did. I don't get much of a lift from plane, am I? I've got to tell you that. Anyway, thanks for listening.

I'm in a new studio. I'm a little bit discombobulated, but we'll settle. And if the good Lord spares us and the cranks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. next week. Now get out.