The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Pedestrian racing returns

Episode Date: October 20, 2012

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss a return to pedestrian racing, Felix's jump and politician slip ups.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8 12 15. Or follow us on Twitter, at Frank on Absolute. Um, right, okay. Morning. I'm all set. Morning. I'm all set

Morning I'm all set I'm raring to go Morning Emily Hi Al I would say it feels great to be alive but whenever I'm about to say that I'm reminded of a story about

avant-garde playwright Samuel Beckett was on his way to a cricket match at Lourdes with a friend and the friend said Ah Sam, tickets for the cricket, sunshine. It's great to be alive, isn't it? And Samuel Beckett said, well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that.

That's who you want to spend eight hours with at the cricket. It's my kind of guy. Yeah, I'm mine. So, what else? I, um, I watched um, fantasy football last night on, um, Sky, the new version. Oh, okay. It's the new one called

Fantasy Football Club. Oh, is that a rude one, Frank? No. Oh, okay. I thought it was one of those triple X things. It's called Fantasy Football Club. It's the club that I don't like. It's pretty niche, yeah. No, it was a different

experience watching that. What is it? What is it? It's a knee shirt. No, it was a different experience watching that. What is it? What is it? It's a comedy programme. Yeah, it's a bit like fantasy. Do you remember that fantasy football programme? Yeah, I do, yeah. Hang on, you're not in it. Have they paid you for this?

No, no, they just, actually, the first I heard of it is they dropped me a line and asked me if I wanted to be a guest on it. No. Is it the same structure as fantasy football? Well, it's the same game. I mean, we never own the game. I sniff a lawsuit.

What's going on? This is extraordinary. I don't. I'm done with it now. I think me and Dave, as I always said towards the end, started to look like, you know, William Shatner and Scotty in the movies. And they had corsets on and hair pieces.

He thought, get out of there now. So they brought some youth in. Good luck to them, I say. Oh, extraordinary. I loved it. The Guardian. So it's been a strange week. I had a driver who said to me,

he dropped me off, and he said to me, he dropped me off, and he said to me, can I just say, by the way, I love your talk show. And I thought, God, this has been a long shift that you've been on. That's a bit more avocado, isn't it? And then he said, you know, what you do with that other guy. And then I thought, oh, he means on plan. That's only like eight years ago. I hope he didn't mean Jenny Eclair. He said, that other guy. And then I thought, oh, he means on plan. That's only like...

I hope he didn't mean Jenny Eclair. He said, that other guy, O'Connor. And I thought... Oh, Tom O'Connor. Does he think I... Oh, Des, does he think I'm Mel Sykes? I just don't know what it was about. It was a terrible awkward, and I just took the compliment.

Did you? Yeah. You don't want to investigate, do you? Oh, but it was a bit... O'Connor. Maybe it's Andrew the magician. Maybe. I don't remember doing a chat show with him. No. You would, wouldn't you?

You'd think so, wouldn't you? But you don't know. You get to a certain age. Anyway, I'll tell you something else that I've revived this week. Oh, what's that? Fantasy football. The hoodie? No. Not fantasy football. The hoodie. No, I'm wearing the hoodie, but I don't think it ever went away, did it? I'm wearing a Burberry hoodie and matching Burberry trousers.

Talk on very Daniela Westbrook. Oh, I'm thinking it was Emma Watson. Yeah, no, very chic. And she, not she, me, I got back into the groove of something that we used to talk about a lot on this show, but I haven't mentioned it for quite a while, and it happened sort of accidentally. I might play some music, because this was a bit of an adventure.

Cliffhanger? Yeah. Oh, excellent. If Cliff Richard... I think we're going to hear the cogs turning now. If Cliff Richard hanged himself I think we can hear the cogs turning now If Cliff Richard hanged himself would that be an acceptable tabloid headline or would it be

considered bad taste Cliff Hanger God You know it'd be clever Well okay Frank Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. You know, you left the listenership with a cliffhanger of what is it that you are about to talk about that you've talked about in the past. Yes. We've had a text in from Ian saying, is it pavement racing? Oh, well, Ian is correct, though I prefer the term pedestrian racing.

I prefer the term cracked, but that's because I mispronounced the word cracked. Do you? Yeah. There's no uh in it. Oh, haven't you heard it? Not in my world, no. No, I don't. How fascinating.

I love their story. I like it when you two get a bit acidy with each other No I don't Thanks, so what news? I was walking down Whitehall I thought there should be some political music maybe what the paper said

and I became aware of this bloke at my shoulder um and he was we walked for about 10 20 30 yards and he was still at my shoulder trying to overtake and i was andrew marl did you have a i haven't had a pavement race i'm going to call it that for a for a for ages since i've had a pavement race, I'm going to call it that, for ages. Since I've had a child, I've given it up to spend more time with my family. So I realised this guy was up for it. He didn't look the type, he's the quiet ones. Yes, always.

Competitive. He had a dress shirt on and a beard. He had a beard. It's a young man, but with a beard. He looked like the sort of bloke who might enjoy an episode of Coast. And anyway, he overtook me. I was taken by surprise. He overtook me, but then he did what I consider to be an unfair...

He cut straight across me. Oh, no. Did he? Yeah, he cut straight across to slow me on. What a swine. So, I just caught the trailing leg, deliberately. Oh, good for you. Deliberately.

You didn't. I did. I mean, it's a yellow card, but... It's the old Vinnie Jones, let him know you're there. You put a reducer caught him. I did. I mean, it's a yellow card, but... It's the old Vinnie Jones, let him know you're there. You put a reducer on him. I can't believe I did it, but I did. I deliberately caught the bat leg as he went across. If he'd have gone over, I would have used him as carpet.

But anyway, he didn't look round. I think he just thought it was the hubbub of the crowd, or maybe he knew the race was on. So then I thought, I can't go, he didn't look round. I think he just thought it was the hubbub of the crowd, or maybe he knew the race was on. So then I thought, I can't let this get away. So then I really kicked in. Did you up the ante then? And he was a fit young fellow, I'd say. Oh!

Because usually people with beards, they're not so good at it, because there's an aerodynamic problem. Yeah. There's quite a lot of drag. Mm-hm. OK. And I always think people with beards are usually too ill to shave. so good at it because there's an aerodynamic problem yeah there's quite a lot of drag okay and i always think people with beards usually too ill to shave if they're if they're that young there's got to be a reason for it no that's a fashion beard frank no but if you've got a yeah

but you know it's it's a bit um mumford and sons that look you don't expect them to be uh pedestrian racing expecting to be no they're not dogs...docile types. You know, maybe nursing a stinger rash and in a search for dock leaves. Maybe. That's how I think of them spending much of their life. Anyway, honestly, I bet you we did 120 yards side by side. I mean, literally, people would have thought, oh, there's two blokes who know each other, it was a bit of a rush. Because we were side by side. I mean, literally, people would have thought, oh, there's two blokes who know each other. It was a bit of a rush.

Because we were side by side. I wouldn't, neither of us would give in. And I knew I was going to have to cross the road eventually. And I thought, I don't need to think I've just, I've peeled off like a red arrow. You're not peeling, yeah. You know when the red arrows peel off? So

I had to get, I had to get well ahead of him so that when i crossed the road he was already defeated so i really i really pushed it and uh otherwise i just shouldn't i i blew him away i was as we were going i was laughing with excitement i was going i just couldn't believe it i was exhilarated i bet you look very stable. Yeah. Two blokes, one with a beard and the other one laughing. Did you have to fight a temptation to raise your arms as you crossed some kind of imaginary finish line? No, because one of the secrets of pedestrian racing

is that that person must always go away never quite sure that it was just him. Yeah. Whether he's imagined the whole thing, that's the important thing about him but I have to say it was great to be back because I wasn't used to it

and I'd had no warm up I could feel it in the calves I could feel it in the calves but I like the idea of beardy at work probably in a job with the word community in it

just feeling a bit stiff himself even though he was a younger man This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Can I just say I'd like to apologise if I sound slightly sleepy this morning and not quite myself that'll be because

no, not for me, but for my neighbours, it would seem, who argued long into the night. I heard a lot of what was said. Yes, I can see the tumbler mark on your cheek. Just a couple of things I'd like to straighten

out here. Firstly, I'd like to agree with him. I don't know his name. But yes, I think he's got a point. If you're spending £500 on a wedding photographer, it's reasonable that he would want to challenge that and dispute that. That's quite a lot of money.

Secondly, again... Before we do the second point, can I say to people in the north of England that it is normal in London not to know your neighbour's name? Carry on. Secondly, again, he's right. How do we know that your grandparents are going to come up with two grand towards the wedding?

We don't know that. They need that forwarded before they start writing checks. As he says, currently the balance is zero until he sees the money. Yes, I would agree. He said currently the balance is zero. Well, it's not an unreasonable conversation, but does it have to be at three o'clock in the morning? Yeah.

I like the fact that he was punning slightly as well. Currently the balance is zero. Very good. And thirdly, I would agree with him. Was it Giles Brandreth? He didn't want to marry someone who turned into a materialistic spoiled brat. Oh, damn.

I think the parents, if I was the grandparents, I'd hold on that to, Grant. Give them one for the wedding and one for the divorce. Yeah. So, anyway, I'm glad we've cleared all that up. That sounds... Look forward to seeing them later. Sounds familiar.

It's one of the few things me and Kath don't argue about, I would say. Anyway, marriage. Oh, marriage. Not the neighbours. Never hear the neighbours. You wouldn't know we had neighbours. I'm a bit worried about that blood dripping through the light fitting. Anyway, what's in the news?

Well, I say, what's in the news on this great morning? Well, Frank, this is quite relevant and topical because I just humiliated myself quite badly. Did you? Well, you saw it. Please tell the listeners what I did. Oh, yes, the arm fell off Emily's chair. Yes. And Tanya Snoggs was in,

so, you know, we were all on our best behaviour. And then suddenly, there was a bit of a... It was a bit carry-on, wasn't it? It was a bit. It's a Stan Laurel comedy classic, I thought. It wasn't so much carry-on. It was like an Eric Sykes black-and-white 1960s short. Yeah.

That's what it was like. Called The Elbow or something like that. Yeah, exactly. The chair arm. So it was like. Called the elbow. Awesome. Yeah, exactly. The chair arm. So, but I'm not the only one, because did you see, which is possibly my favourite footage ever, Julia Gillard, the Australian Prime Minister,

falling over this week. Julia Gillard. I know we shouldn't laugh, but we do. She has one of those voices. Yeah. Yes, I did see her falling over. She was at Gandhi's grave, very disrespectful. Yeah, the whole thing caved in.

It's terrible. Really? I haven't seen the footage. But also, if you're going to fall anywhere, you don't want to fall there, because you can hear a pin drop there. I've been there. It's quite quiet.

Have you been to Gandhi's grave? Yes, I have. It's very moving, actually. Isn't that serious? I bet it is. But she lost a shoe at an Aboriginal demonstration once. So she's got previous, Frank. Yeah, she's got a bit of Cinderella form, hasn't she?

I remember that. Didn't they take it from her or something, the Aborigines? They did. I had an incident in Adelaide. I mean, it's not a condemnation of the entire nation, but there was one particular Aborigine. I had a fight with an Aborigine in Adelaide. What, a physical fight?

A fight, yeah. A fist fight? A physical fight? Well, I say a physical fight. I had a split lip and a lost contact lens. But it meant a lot to me. I didn't feel that Captain Cook. But I was shaken up by it. Yeah, well, it's a scary thing to fight an Aborigines.

Yeah, I was walking down the road with my girlfriend at the time and he stepped out in front of her and asked for change or something. And I shoved him out of the way because it was, you know, confrontational. And then a fight ensued and there was some other Aborigines and it was a terrible image of that poor, tortured country where things have gone on. But I've never forgiven him. No.

Clearly. No. I always, I insist on saying, hey, it's rock. I never use Uluru. Yeah. It was a difficult, difficult incident. Split lip. I mean, I was bleeding.

Mm-hm. That's it. There's no punch line to this okay i suppose there is a there's a punch yeah no punchline absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio and of course the other thing is it's very tense making walking away from an altercation waiting for the boomerang. You know, my shoulders were hunched just waiting for it. I can imagine. I don't think he'd be fighting. No, I'm not a violent man, but what could I do? It was a confrontation. It sounds confrontational, yeah.

I want to get back to Julia Gill gillard at gandhi's grave which incidentally i want to stick with the average um which incidentally says oh my god on his grave which i saw i shone to omg it's just oh my Yeah. Those were his last words, apparently. Oh, my God, those were his last words. Yeah. Was he in the stage show of Stepton's? No. Oh, Markle.

No, he meant it in a religious, pious way. Oh, yeah. I'd like to go to Gandhi's grave. Well, don't wear heels if you're going to go. I'm just dropping a hint there in case there's probably a charter flight. I don't know if there is. I didn't even know. Is it a big tourist thing, Gandhi's going? Yeah.

I would think so, yeah. So, Julia, frankly... Can I say that I did a pilot for a quiz show recently? Yeah. And one of the female contestants, I won't name her, she had to guess this thing. They said, like I said, Indian statesman. And she said... And Chico was next to her.

And Chico went, Gandhi, Gandhi. And she said, um, Candy. Indian statesman, father of the nation, Candy. That was his stage name. At least she didn't say David Gandhi. Cheats never beat, that's what you learn from them. You know he did least she didn't say david gandhi you know he did i didn't know he did a drag act candy that's candy so anyway frank julia please can we talk about julia's trip julia because what i like is after she fell over the way they rushed around it was like she'd been assassinated. Everyone went, oh, they got.

No, but she did go down with, because I saw the video on the male website. She did. She went, she really went down. She said, it's okay, it's okay, it's just my foot. It's all right. But she explained after, didn't she, that her heel got caught in the mud. It was really nice, because as a male of the species, she said, for men who get to wear flat shoes all day, every day,

if you wear a heel, it can get embedded in soft grass and then when you pull your foot out, the shoe doesn't come and the rest of it is as you saw. I like that. It sort of brings me in because, you know, I just wear flat shoes. She did a press conference, really. Falling over press conference,

which I liked. She's made it some sort of great feminist gesture that men wouldn't understand. I'll tell you what I do hate. What? Steady. We've only just got over the average, anything. I'm not going there. And I think this is across the genders.

Frank, it's all right, because I'm partly antipodean, so we're safe. You know when you step on the corner of a pavement, and it's a wobbly one, and there's a puddle under? Have you ever had that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes! And it basically creates a little surfy wave, right all over your trouser leg, or tights.

Surfing USA on my ballet pump. Horrible, horrible. I hate that. So do I. It's really, really... Because you feel a bit victimised. You think, oh, somebody else could have stood on this puddle. Or I could have stood on a different bit of the paving slab. Well, I fall out of...

It just feels like the gods are against you when that happens. Yeah. I fall out of on a regular basis because... Well, no, that was the 80s, Frank. No, no, I still... I've taken in the last few months to wearing Heelys. Oh, they're... Regular. They're handy.

They are, they're lovely. They'll be handy for the pedestrian races. Oh, yeah. Are you... Like Ben Hur. I love to... When I turn into a shop, to go into a shop and go down the street, I mean, I go right over like a motorcyclist.

My left elbow is virtually touching the ground if I turn into a department store. Oh, that sounds good. More of this, I think. For us, maybe not for you. I understand. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, yeah. Julia Gillard. That poor woman who fell over. If you don't wear a heel, if you wear a heel, it can get embedded in the soft grass. Wear as a heelie? I don't actually wear heelies, but when I was at school, we used to slide everywhere.

Everything you did, you'd run, like, three places and then stop and put the hands out and try and slide i mean on i don't mean just in the winter i mean generally just on the pavement if there was gravel be brilliant but we basically slid everywhere that's died out hasn't it yeah yeah what's happened to that whereas um that was pre-healers we didn't have any wheels to help us out it was like like the early cavemen having to use logs to move heavy weights around because they didn't have the wheel yet ironically they used to call the

books that they kept the details of those vehicles in wheel books did they? I think the main thing is you get I have spoken of this on stage but I fell over on the Weird. Oh, God. I think the main thing is you get... I'm obviously... If I... I have spoken of this on stage, but I fell over on the South Bank.

I fell backwards down a couple of steps. Oh, Frank. I had three people follow me up that week and say, I heard you fell over. Are you all right? And that is a sign of getting old, isn't it? I believe they might have said, I hear you had one of your four.

They did say that. Actually. Yeah, which is... Which is worse. Which is not good. No, but I did as well. I tripped. What Ipped what i did frank this week i was going to meet a fashion designer and you don't want to be doing this when you meet a fashion designer and i walked into this restaurant it was a breakfast and 8 15 and what i did you know when you do the skid so you don't

actually fall over you recover your footing yeah it's not a trip i call it a mini break it's often like a little mini break a cabbage leaf yes but i think that can be worse because you don't get the sympathy that you get from the fall or the drama but you do get the startle yes yeah yeah you get the startle you get you get the increased pulse right after that and sometimes you can get the uh the hamstring but how does the sympathy none of the sympathy i, none of the sympathies. I find it quite exciting, you know sometimes you're walking down the street and you're like, oh, and you look across and somebody's fallen over. I find it really, not funny, but really exciting.

My wife claims she once saw a man trip up in the street with his hands in a sheepskin coat and turn it into a full judo roll. He went over one shoulder and kept coming. That was a frolicking lamb she saw. Frolicking lamb. It was. That was no sheepskin coat. Oh, I slipped on the cellar stairs the other day and went down three of them in front of my wife and son. Embarrassing.

The cellar, you say? I didn't know about this. No. I'm sure you know about the cellar. You didn't strike me as a cellar type. Oh, really? Wrong. Who you got down there? Oh, it's a long list. Blimey. Oh, God. I have to do this thing now. In order to invite

embarrassment, if I fall over, people look at you, you know. I'll look up and shake my fist at a passing helicopter. up and shake my fist at a passing helicopter. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Shall we go to that special place? Email Corner La la la la la We have had an email from one of our listeners. I don't like the way you make it sound singular. It's been a week. I didn't like the accent either.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Mr Cockerell. Mr? Yes. Quite interesting. Formal poultry address. I have listened to you forever. Yes, it may seem like that. Did it just come in this morning?

She remembers that show you did with O'Connor, that O'Connor fella. Oh, yeah, that O'Connor. And I always discuss my favourite bits of the show with my friend Ali. While I was at work, I was texting her to ask if she'd listened to the bit about the Beach Boys and the canary bass tune. Do you remember that, Frank? Well, it made... Oh, yeah, Aunty Mary had a canary up the leg of a... It's the opening of California Girls.

I couldn't remember the name of the lady who had the canary stuck up the leg of her drawers. Well, it had to rhyme with canary. Who did you think it was? Peter Carey, the double booker prize winner would he have a canary at the leg of his drawers i don't think so i'm a dental nurse maybe julius nairari the first president of tanzania is that likely process of elimination george carey i'm a dental nurse and so went into the waiting room to ask if anyone had heard of the song. And it names Floss.

When I hummed the tune, three old ladies and our receptionist promptly burst into song with Aunty Mary. Oh, brilliant. And then I couldn't shut them up. I felt like it was Frank's front parlour at Christmas. How dare you. Just thought I would share that with you. I don't know how to sign off, as I want to say how fantastic the show is.

No, no, no. But I know you don't like praise. So if this email is chosen, don't read that bit out. Thanks, Beth. Thanks, Beth. I do, I love praise, but I don't like reading it out, because that's what egomaniacs do. So what I love about that is that Beth didn't go to Google.

She went to the waiting room. Yeah, yeah. She made it labour intensive, and she chose the people, and that's good. And that's probably why Google shares dropped $20 billion on the market this week, just because of that one act by Beth. Respect. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Hey!

It's Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Hey! This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio in Texas on 8-12-15. Or you can follow us on Twitter. Contraption. At Frank on Absolute. I like the idea of that Twitter contraption. I don't like the idea of it at all. There's a guy just peddling curiously to power Twitter

I think he makes it sound like a mangle It is a mangle It mangles people's private lives Oh my god I think so Puritan fathers are back They've been away a while Who's Puritan fathers?

Frank! I haven't heard that before. Is that before my time? They're Pilgrim Fathers, the Puritans. See, I ran with it. Yeah, you did. Pre-Cockrell catchphrase.

Pre-Cockrell, that's if I make a fool of you. I didn't try to make a fool of you. Yeah, that's it. I just didn't understand. Why don't you just admit you hate women? You're a misogynist

and a sexist. That's quoting Julia Gillard. I wasn't, I didn't... Didn't mean that. Anyway. Anyway. I feel like I need to speak to you about jokes falling flat.

Oh, well, can't we do this half a hair? Yeah. Jeremy Hunt cracked a little joke joke to the Queen. Oh, yeah. He met her in a line- lineup where he's next to heston blumenthal in the picture um but he uh he he cracked a little joke which apparently fell flat i feel his pain he said i read about a japanese tourist who said afterwards how wonderful our queen must be to take part in that meaning the james bond um James Bond Olympic ceremony thing, as they would never get

their emperor to jump out of the plane and then... Unless he'd been publicly disgraced in some way. Then they wouldn't be able to stop him jumping out of the plane. But apparently the Queen smiled, shrugged politely and moved on, which that's a zing. And it also

said she paused. Can you imagine how long that pause felt to that poor man? While Jeremy Hunt listened to the ticking clock in the distance. Well, it wasn't a great gag. No. It wasn't his gag. Exactly. It was plagiarised.

But, I mean, I've always thought that Jeremy Hunt was I'm not going to start rapping at this stage, don't worry. No, I don't... I don't have much time for Jeremy Hunt, but in this particular occasion, I'm with Jeremy. Oh, I feel his pain.

He tried a gag. Yeah, he tried it out. And then Duke of Edinburgh turns up and says... Who are you? Who are you? He says, who are you? They move you lot on. I believe what he said was, who are you? Who are you? He says, who are you? He said, because they move you lot on. I believe what he said was, who are you?

Who are you? Obviously done that. But he said they move you lot on a lot. Yeah. Regularly. I would have said, you know what? That's because we have to get re-elected every four or five years. Fancy trying that?

Yeah. We don't just have to marry somebody. We have to, like, convince an electorate to give us another go. So shut up about it. That's what I just said. I mean, let's face it. What is the Duke of Edinburgh? He's a sort of very highfalutin plus one.

Yes, he is, really, isn't he? Yeah, so I can't believe I'm saying this. Who are you? I'm actually with Jeremy. But, Frank, who are you? The worst three words in the English language, as far as I'm concerned. He did that terrible thing that I myself have done in a royal line-up. I was going to say, you think...

You start defending yourself. Of course you have. I'm rather fascinated by the royal line-up, you see, because I thought Heston... I was pleased to see him there in the chemistry glasses. I do like Heston. But also... I think I'm his real glasses, although I can understand he's often in the other glasses. I do like Heston. But also... I think that's his real glasses.

Although I can understand he's often in the other ones, isn't he? In his chemistry glasses. Yeah, that's what they look a bit like. They do, yeah. Just had his hair bonzed and burned off by the skull bully. But Lionel Blair's often in a line-up, a royal line-up. I was surprised not to see him. Yeah, often

in shows he hasn't even appeared in. And Frank, with the line-up... He's an interloper. Yeah. Well, that girl is the Olympic ceremony. Happy slapper, royal line-up interrupter. As someone who's got first-hand experience of the line-up, do you get a sort of...

Is there a build-up? Is there a bit of a pre-match build-up, the sort of tension beforehand? As they get closer... Yeah. Yeah, you do start to get a bit dry mouthed because you can you can see what you like about the royal family when you're in their presence it's quite exciting yes uh i mean my last one if you remember my last one was prince charles

remember that one oh yeah you were at his crib though uh yeah i was yeah and it was uh in my end is my beginning because my first one was with Prince Charles. Now that's where I sympathise because I've told this story many times but not so much my reaction to the story. I'd just gone very badly at the Royal Variety performance and Prince Charles said to me in the line, where do you normally work?

Is it in the north? He sounds like me. Yeah. Really? And I said, oh, no, no, we're calling over the place. I get lots of work in London. I started pathetically defending myself. And that's what Jeremy Hunt did.

He said, oh, I'm the Minister of Culture and all that. Oh, Minister of Culture. And he said, can you get us some cheap yoghurt? Terrible mix-up, the whole thing. So I do, I feel sorry for him. Oh, I feel sorry for him. I have this moment, I would say, maybe once or twice a week, where I'll crack a joke to...

It happens quite commonly to waiting staff, or in a pub when you're buying around or something, and you say something, not a joke joke, but just something a bit flippant like oh and uh and then you realize that person nice though they may be does not speak english as a first language and the people with you are looking at you and you've got your funny cracked a joke face and yeah they probably do speak english as a first language don't look to to that. I'm really looking to that. I'd say twice a week I'm looking to that. I think the Queen has shrugged off her German by now.

That's what I was thinking. I went into a lamp shop and the woman said, can I help you? And I said, well, I wouldn't mind if you could lend me a fiver till the end of the week as a joke. And she said, oh, no, I can't. And it all went really awkward. I can't get into the till without a purchase.

Yeah, I mean, it was terrible. I mean, obviously she was an imbecile, but I still felt bad about it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So Gary Barlow was there as well.

Gary Barlow was around the palace all the time. Frank has compared him to Peter the Wild. He's a bit of a little royal courtier, isn't he? I've got a theory about this, because it says in the paper that the Queen was asked by Gary Barlow if he had recovered from setting up the Buckingham Palace concert. He replied, yes, but have you recovered, ma'am? The Queen answered, I think so, yes.

Very Frost Nixon. It's that weird thing of, like, turn-taking. I've recovered, have you recovered? Yes. It feels a bit like two people that have had an affair, but they don't say anything interesting, because they know that other people are speaking to each other, doesn't it? This is how rumours start, isn't it? They're having one of those conversations of,

let's not say anything that reveals that we do know each other. It's weird. It's weird. You think that? You think I've started something? Well... The Twittersphere will be going bananas now. I think it'd be the best news story ever. That's how he got the organising the opening. He organised the opening ceremony the way he coaches the people on X Factor.

Right, yeah, yeah. One phone call. You don't think he actually got his file of facts dirty? One phone call and back to loose women on the telly. That's how it is. I heard that she went over to him and asked him how the course of Italian nationalism was going. Yes, it's a Garibaldi joke.

I know you've all been waiting around for one this morning. Well, that's my particular contribution to that genre. What else? Well, I'll tell you what else. Frank, we've had uh text in hi frank hearing you talk about your punch up in adelaide oh dear remind him it's now your punch up in adelaide it's sound like that bloke that ran on the pitch at leeds reminded me of when i was over there with my husband in sydney he got involved in a punch up with some locals and they took their thongs off, don't panic, and started hitting people with them. Over there, that's what they call flip-flops.

I know that because I lived there. I like Alphamore thongs. If only Gilad had been wearing her flip-flops, she'd have been fine, wouldn't she? Hmm. Well, I find they're a bit of a hazard. Hmm. You have to walk slightly clawed, which doesn't suit me at all. Frank, in the interest of balance, I'd like to read out an email from an actual Australian.

Thank God, because I feel we're painting Australia in a negative light today. Suggestion that they can't stand up, people in their underwear, that the original Australians are aggressive. Yeah. Suggestion that they're daggy or something. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I am... You bodger!

I'm a mongrel. I also... You mongrel! That's my only Australian impression. He's half from home Australian impression. Okay. No stereotypes in this room. I'm another avid listener from Melbourne, Australia. You were talking about the two fellas who were banned from the

buffet restaurant because they were eating too much. Remember them, Frank? Oh, yes. The characters, you called them. We have a similar place here, mainly for tourists, called the Cuckoo. It's a weird and crazy place, but we go to get a big meal. My hubby and his mate had a competition to see who could eat the most puddings. The mate managed five, whilst my hubby managed 13 puddings.

Has anyone managed to eat more puddings, plus had a couple of starters and heaps of main course first? Wow. I like that it's not enough that the person has eaten the same amount of puddings. Proper legend. Yeah. There you go, that was from Anna. 13 puddings he did. Not superstitious, no?

No. He and Bill Wyman. Oh, my God. The thing is with that, it's in order to win the competition. How many did the other bloke eat? Five. The mate only managed five. So he could have had six and he'd won. Yeah. order to win the competition. How many did the other bloke eat? The mate only managed five. So he could have had six

and he'd won. Yeah. This wasn't a competition. This is somebody just letting themselves go, isn't it? Yeah, someone that likes puddings. He likes them to the power of 13. Oh, it makes me wonder how big these puddings are. Oh, yeah, they sound like a little thimbleful. I mean, if it was a sawbear, you could go at 13, couldn't you?

Oh, yeah. I must say, I very much like Melbourne, although I found Adelaide to be a bit of a cowboy town. Cowboy town? Melbourne's... What's wrong with an Aboriginal? You know, people... I don't know if you've been watching X Factor, but you know there's that very beautiful girl with the white cornrows?

Have you seen that? Oh, yeah, I know who that is. And then there's the slightly stockier one who plays guitar and sings around songs I think Sydney is the beautiful girl with the cornrows but Melbourne is the bit more interesting

bit funnier bit cleverer slightly plainer but in the end of the day richer and more satisfying version. They should use that in their publicity. That's really catchy. It's pithy, isn't it?

Welcome to that city that's a bit like, you know, that big girl on X Factor plays a guitar and got a sort of early Victoria Wood feel to it. I feel that, of course, the Victoria thing would confuse it because there's a stake or... Fwoh! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You two stop giggling amongst yourselves. Oh, wouldn't you like to know? It's all gone a bit sleazy at office, people. Frank, this week an Austrian man has made the papers. Don't panic. This was Felix. We're back in the Cockerell cellar. Oh, Felix, of course, yes.

Oh, my God, no. It's not dissimilar from my cellar story, actually. No? Well, he didn't fall. I think he... There's no question of did he jump or was he pushed. I think he jumped. I think I was mid-air for less than seven minutes.

He didn't just jump. He jumped faster than the speed of sound. Yeah. First man without a mechanical prop, I believe the phrase was, to do so. Yeah. So it's 24 miles what happens if you jump faster than the speed of sound what what what occurs is there a boom is there a sonic boom i don't know do you shout something and then um it's not heard unless the tree falls down in the forest well i have to say i say... I don't know. I was a bit...

What's the point, then? Well, what's the point is a good question on this story. You know they always have the mission control, and there's always a man in a short-sleeved shirt and glasses, isn't there, communicating. And when he was talking to them, I didn't like the way Felix was talking. I don't know, he was a bit Arnie.

He sounded a bit Terminator, Frank. He's Austrian. And nobody went, my visor is fogging up. I don't know, he was a bit Arnie. He sounded a bit Terminator, Frank. He's Austrian. And nobody went, my visor is fogging up. I didn't like it. My new language. It ruined it. Now, I... Took 2% off the accent.

I respect his jumping capacities, but I think he should keep his gobshunk. He said, first of all, you know, I thought there's going to be a big, you know, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind moment. And he did it. Yes. And it was rubbish. Wasn't it?

He said, I'm going home. No, but before that, I'll tell you what he said. He said, I have it here. Sometimes you have to go up really high to understand how small you really are. Repetition of really. Isn't that the first thing anyone would have said to me? Did somebody copy-edit this? I mean, he can jump 24 miles, he can't use a thesaurus.

He could have had any other word in for that. Yeah. He could have said, you don't realise how small you are until you are... Standing next to Steve Merchant. Yeah, standing next to all that bloke who played Jaws in the Bond film. What if he'd have said that and then jumped? And then at the end of it...

I'd like you to have done it, Frank, because you would have said something extraordinary. I know you would have. At the end of it, he said, they asked him what his ambition was, his next ambition. He says, I want to inspire a generation. That's the London 2012 slogan. Oh, what's he going to say next? Oh, I think jumping's coming home. Shut up, Felix.

Just jump. Oh, Felix. Nothing more than Felix. That could have been me as well. Did you watch it live? Did you watch it when it was happening or after the event? No, I watched it after the event. It was quite slow. I felt like watching it after the event, the fundamental jeopardy was missing. I know somebody that watched it live and was a bit worried that he was going to die and, like, they were watching it with the family.

No, I stayed away from the results. Right, yeah, yeah. When they showed it on the news, they said... Trevor McDonald said, look away. They said, anyone who's taped it, yeah, look away. Did they really? Look away now. And we won't say whether he survived or not.

I don't know if I believe it, Frank. You don't believe it? It looked a bit odd from the animation, the lighting. It was a bit Wallace and Gromit. It was a bit. And the balloon did seem very stable when he'll believe it. It looked a bit odd in animation, the lighting. It was a bit Wallace and Gromit. It was a bit. And the balloon did seem very stable when he stepped off. Something's not right. Is this a balloon or a platform?

This is going to be another. The moon landing was done in an Arizona desert. Why didn't he do that Bugs Bunny thing and land in an ice bucket? The landing was good, though, wasn't it? That way, he literally hit the ground running, didn't he? Yes. That's why I was suspicious. But when I was a kid,

did I ever take up this theory when I was a kid? I jumped off the bottom step on the stairs, and then the next day I jumped off the second step. And I thought, if I keep doing an extra step every day, by the end of it, I'll be able to jump down the stairs, and it'll be, you know, just save a bit of time and get up a bit later in the mornings. And so I got to about the eighth and ninth step

I jumped down from. Started to hurt in, like, my hips. And I gave up. But had I carried on a stair a day, that would have been me. That could have been me doing that jump, yeah. Yeah, just like a ladder. Going at the speed of sound. And can I say the surrounding dialogue would have been me. That could have been me doing that job, yeah. Yeah, just off a ladder. And can I say the surrounding dialogue would have been a bit more sparkly.

Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've had some texts in actually, Frank. 297 High Fun Time Trio. Oh, i don't like that questionable yeah it makes us sound awful so we sound like the sort of people that buy chocolate body paint at the

service station oh yeah it sounds like we should be on at three o'clock in the morning saying come on guys phone i'm waiting for your call um high Trio. Over a third of the people watching the jump live turned off once his parachute opened. Were they hoping for tragedy? Is that true? Well, 755 seems to agree. Hi, Frank Callan and Emily. Apparently, when the parachute opened,

over a million turned off. Nice. I must say, I did the same thing with the Olympic opening ceremony. That is terrible. Do you hope Kenneth Branagh's cigar would explode? I like that about them. I like the fact that... What, do they watch to see a human

being die? Yeah, in a way. But I think, in a way, they did themselves a disservice because they didn't get to... I honestly thought when he landed into that running bit, I just thought that was quite magnificent. I really liked the way he landed. But, when he landed

after what was it he fell 24 miles from the edge of the earth's atmosphere do you think there was a point where he went oh that was brilliant i want to do it again and they went it's it's a bit admin heavy we're gonna have to get the sponsor you know like if you do a sort of slide in a water park and then you think i do want to do it again but it is a lot of steps do you think i know well it's difficult i was thinking about if you decided you wanted to do that dive how do you do that yeah i need a red bull rock imagine me in a hill frank oh imagine if you turned on and that was me in a hill i think the phrase is so who are you going to call how do you get that organized yeah i don't know his friends in high places it's so rubbish I just said it

it's out there Frank can we just dip our toe briefly back into email corner? Yes, we can, but I can't reach the actual jingle from here. Oh dear, have you had one of your falls? It's all right, help is on its way. I believe you pressed the buzzer. I have my leg trapped.

Keep talking. It'll be fine. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, regarding the recent Bond discussion... Oh, Frank and I love Bond. We talked about the best Bond, yeah. Alan's not the recent Bond discussion. Oh, Frank and I love Bond. We talked about the best Bond, yeah. Alan's not as keen as I thought. We did a tuning in now. We weren't discussing

the financial products. Or paper, writing paper. I would like to raise the topic of favourite Bond film titles. I'm sure you will agree that whilst well, are you? That whilst it was not one of the classic films, Die Another Day surely warrants a mention,

as its title is taken from a poem by oft-mentioned poet A.E. Houseman. Whoa! It's been a while! It's been a while. There's people from absolute staff lining up on the street outside. Someone's mentioned... In case there are new listeners, if it's only the first time it happens in the show,

so I can say this now without it going off again, if ever a houseman is mentioned on Absolute Radio, an alarm goes off, something that was installed very early, when the station was taken over by Times of India. I don't know what the ins and outs of that are, but there you have it. On with Julia Gill have it by the way I think Daniel Craig is a great Bond but there is definitely a slight hint

of Sid James about him in a certain light that's Matt in Toronto I think he looks like a handsome man who hasn't put his teeth in maybe that's because his cleaner forgot to put them in the glass overnight I've completely forgiven him if you remember Tanya Snuggs said that she met him

and he was lovely to her, so now he's in my good books. Oh, that's good. My favourite title is Casino Royale. Absolute Tanya Snuggs. That's your favourite title? Well, just because I like to say Royale. I don't often get the opportunity and I like the sound of it. Well, you should go to a Burger King.

Yeah. Is it Burger King or is it McDonald's, let's say, in America? Yes, you're right, it's Burger King. I think a Big Mac is a Royale or something, isn't it? Royale with cheese. Sarah's nodding, so that sounds like it. Frank, we've also had an email in, which I think we might have to hold fire.

I think we'd have to hold fire. We've got things like the news. But this is to the mysterious purple lady. The Huey Lewis's backing group. I mean, like, we've got things like the news. But this is to the mysterious purple lady. I don't mean the Huey Lewis' backing group. I mean, like, the proper news. What tells people what's happening in the world? That news. Remember that?

Mm. Yeah. Obviously, we have to do adverts first, because it's commercial, right? Priorities. Yeah, we'll get to that. I'd like to trail this, though. It's a fan of the producers.

Let's leave it there. Fan of the producer? Mm. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. You can text us on

812 15. You can follow us on Twitter. Um, that'll be quite cute. Frank on Absolute. Oh, nice. Bit of rhyme. Made me feel a bit tense around the chest area.

Tablets in my... So, welcome back. If you've stayed with us, congratulations. Before the sponsor messages, we were reading out an email from Matt in Toronto who said he thought Die Another Day was one of his favourite Bond films. The man that runs away lives to die another day. Oh.

Is that the A.E. Heisman quote in full? See, you can do it now. Yeah. It's about how... You might as well... Well, it's not clear, really. You might as well, darling. It's not clear whether he's saying that cowardice, in a way, is a bigger death than death.

Oh, yeah. Or whether it's been said ironically by another character. That's this week's texting. Oh, I rather like that. It's a bit like Falstaff, who hath honour he that died a Wednesday? One of my favourites. Or Tuesday World in Wild in the Country.

Frank? Yeah? What is your favourite Bond film title? Well, Doctor No is... That's brilliant. I mean, I know it's a bit negative, but it is a great title. Do you think?

It is quite negative. Yeah. I once attempted to write a novel. Failed. It was a sort of superhero thing. And the baddie in it I was going to call Dr. Chaos. The Reverend Chaos I was going to call him. Oh, yeah.

And I had his wife rejected it because she thought it sounded too Greek. Oh. That was the plot line. Was he based on the sort of ABFC figure? Oh, the Archbishop of Canterbury? Yeah. I suppose he had got a hint of it. He had the demonic eyebrow, if I remember right.

Quantum of Solace, which I think undoubtedly is the worst Bond film. It's bad, yeah. It's a good title. Is it a quote from something? Not that I know of, but again, our listeners will know. They'll tell us. But I like the idea of a quantum of solace, and even in something bad, there's always a little bit of

something to comfort. They should have gone sous-sol. I would have gone sous-sol with that. A sous-sol of solace. Yeah. I'd have gone a smidgen. A smidgen of solace. A smidgen of comfort, maybe. A smidgen of solid. A smidgen of comfort, maybe. A smidgen of comfort would be a weird font title.

Imagine the song. A smidgen of comfort makes my heart weep But a smidgen of comfort Goes so deep That was when they got Elvis Costello to do the thing. Yeah, wasn't it? Maybe they should go with quite literal, like does what it says on the tin and just call it like chases and fights.

Chases and fights? It's a bit Dances With Wolves. Yes, I like that. I feel the song might end up being a bit Rosie and fights. It's a bit Dances with Wolves. Yes, I like that. I feel the song might end up being a bit Rosie and Jim. Chases and fights, chases and fights, lovely ladies on a sun-moon night. Sun-moon night?

Or we could just call it Oochay Smith. A sun-moon night. A night, perhaps, somewhere in Scandinavia where both planets are clearly visible. Are they planets? No, I know they're not. Don't text in! I love a self-critique. I use? No, I know they're not. Don't text in. I love a self-critique. I've taken to using the phrase,

no, a quantum of solace, if something's rubbish and there's any tiny good thing about it. I like it. For example, I had a killer headache this week and I had soluble aspirin. And I was in pain. I get so excited when I watch soluble aspirin

go into a glass of water. Really? I always imagine they were slumbering quietly in their packet, thinking, oh, this is their life, isn't it? They're going for a bit of a dip. Wow! Wow! That's how I always imagine it is for soluble aspirin.

It's like their brief time on Earth. They're like at a rave, aren't they? Yeah. I have no idea. How could they know what was going to happen? It's not like they've been trained up for the moment they get dissolved. No. So they're sitting around thinking, this will be fine.

They can't practice for that, can they? They float. That tiny fraction of a second when they float, they think, ooh, lovely. It's like being on a lilo. Wah! Oh, no. It's the little things in life, isn't it? Mm-hmm.

I've been telling people that for years. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What? Oh, my goodness heavens. I've been slightly obsessed this week by a woman who has what might be one of my favourite phobias ever. She's scared of toilets. Oh, yeah.

who has what might be one of my favourite phobias ever she's scared of toilets oh yeah she's so scared of them that um she actually fears being swallowed up by the cistern it's the flush isn't it when she's flush she'll get caught up in the maelstrom and dragged down in that context she has to run out the room she's had to get a job um near her house because she doesn't want to use a loo outside of her house she feels less nervous when it's her own toilet it's nothing like your own toilet that's true when you get back from holiday oh when i got back from japan where they had the heated toilet seats it was nice being back home just normal cold englishman's toilet is his castle well i'm scottish but yeah i see what i know what you mean yeah what's your castle. Well, I'm Scottish, but yeah, I see what you... I know what you mean. Yeah, what's your castle, then? It did make me laugh when she said in there

that she's scared to spend a penny, and I was thinking, born in Scotland, grew up in Yorkshire, I know loads of people are. Racist! She reckons... She thinks her phobia stems from her childhood when she watched Look Who's Talking To with John Travolta.

Actually, he watched that quite recently. Did you? Yeah. Well, there's a character called the Toilet Man. We should say that's not John Travolta. No, no, he is not in a toilet. No, that's George Michael. He's not in a toilet. Yes. And Kirstie Alley, of course.

Oh, I like Kirstie Alley. She was in Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan. Was she? And Cheers, of course. Cheers is where I know her from. A lot of people say that... She's done well. She's in the dancing now, I think.

Well, some people say that, you know, Muslim women are held back, but she has... Kirstie Alley, very good. She's done really well for herself. I'm sure she won't have a problem with you calling her Muslim. It's funny that gave this woman a fear of toilets, the film Look Who's Talking To, because it gave me a lifelong fear of sequels. Gave me a lifelong fear of John Travolta.

That's another story. It's about when things got scary. Me too. When Kath was pregnant, she watched that Look Who's Talking To and loved it. Did she? In the very later stages of pregnancy, when you're not moving about much. Yeah, we watched it together.

I mean, it is... It's not, you know... It's not Citizen Kane, I know, but... No. No, it's not. For a sort of lazy Saturday afternoon. Yeah. It's got its moments.

Perfect, as they used to say. I made a bit of an error with... When I lived with David Baddiel, his cat... I wouldn't describe that as an error. No, no, I'm getting to it. His cat used to bring frogs into the house. Oh, yeah. And she brought one in in the early hours of the morning.

Well, I wasn't going outside, so I put it down in the toilet and flushed it and i thought amphibian be lovely like being on a lovely flume yeah um and then david went mad at me and said that that would kill it and i've never got to the bottom of whether that was a good or a bad thing to do am i responsible for the accidental death of a frog or did he go like that like the advert where that bloke just wears shorts and goes through all the departments at work that was his sort of angel falls yeah yeah so i uh i don't know if there's anyone who knows anything about amphibians um in conjunction with plumbing systems please do text me because i have welcomed them

the night and thought i hope i didn't drown frog. But maybe we can help this woman that's scared of the toilet, because you recently dealt with your phobia of water, didn't you, by singing, that you weren't afraid. Yeah. When you sang your fears, maybe she could go, I'm not frightened of the toilet flushing, I'm not frightened of the toilet flushing. Do you know what I mean?

She's got to have a system. Aye. Aww. Do you think that I mean? She's got to have a system. Aye. Aww. Do you think that could be a chain reaction? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think she's going round the bend. That's what I think. Eh?

Well, you've lifted the lid on that one. We're away. I'm out. I'm out. Don't quit while you're flushed with success. I'm so proud of my boys. That little exchange. i loved it but frank you know what i hated it i remember what i watched the uh do you remember the outer limits used to be

a late night it was a sort of uh it was very much like the twilight disgusting it was uh it was like a slightly scary story. Oh, OK. Really, I can still think of it now exactly. This kid found a sort of a suitcase and there was these alien worms in it, like squirming, like baby birds trying to be fed. And the bully, I remember, opens... The local bully opens up the suitcase and holds the kid's face really close to these...

And, oh, God, it still gives me the creep. Obviously, it's not as debilitating as being frightened of toilets. No. Being frightened of having your face pushed into a suitcase of alien worms. But it really did live with me. I can still remember it very clearly now.

And it scared you. You see, I had that because when I saw there was a Bond film, I think it's Thunderball, and there's a pool... And there's drakes. And sharks come out of the pool. And I couldn't go in any of our friends' pools after that. I was terrified. See, I didn't have that problem in

Oldbury. Do you think there's people nodding at their radios around the country? No, I literally... I had a panic attack at Sheridan Morley's. I couldn't do it. That's true. What could be worse than that? God, how did

Sheridan cope? Well, we'll find out maybe off air. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We got text. Oh, we've had missives from the outside world. Some about Bond and some about other stuff. I don't feel you need to.

I'll elucidate, shall I? You know you mentioned the Outer Limits programme. Oh, I'm going to do it first. Oh, God! Get up! Is that from Outer Limits? Sorry, I thought you said elucidate. Oh. I made a right fool of myself. 588 has texted

I used to watch Outer Limits and a bloke once had gills on his neck to breathe. It still creeps me out to this day. I think I had him on the Outer Limits bubblegum cards. There's a whole set of cards I remember. Can I like that he's referred to him as a bloke once had gills on his neck? He's got to be a Bromley, I hope so.

Oh, 231, I can't eat tin spaghetti now after seeing City serving Matthew Worms on toast. That's some cats. Who would have thought the Sooty show would have provided a lifelong fear? Yeah, a horror. And we had an email that I wanted to read to you. Felix the Jumper, it's called, it's entitled. He should have said to infinity and beyond when he jumped.

That would have been brilliant. He fell 24 miles. Again, I think that's been used. Yeah. He fell 24 miles and landed on his feet. Surely he should be called Felix the Cat. Ah. One email, two good gags.

Excellent. I mean, yeah. I haven't heard anyone else mention the Felix the Cat thing. No. Good on you, mate. Brilliant. Well done. Frank, we've also had a correspondence in subject line,

Re-Frog on Toilet Roller Coaster. That's from Sue Hammond. She says, I don't think it would have enjoyed the end of its ride. It would have landed in all the sewage. I'm afraid it probably didn't survive. Really? They can't be that fussy. Surely it's a frog.

It's not going, ugh, waste. Surely. It's a frog, isn't it? No, but it's pretty toxic. Is it? Yeah. Not for a frog. Not for a frog. It's not going, ugh, waste. Surely. It's a frog, isn't it? No, but it's pretty toxic. Is it? Yeah. Not for a frog. Not for a frog?

No. They're different, aren't they? They're different from us. Why do you think their standards are a bit more Pete Doherty and lower? Yeah, I think they are. I think they're dressed in a sort of... Chill out. Byronic bishop sleeve shirt and dirty jeans, and they just hang around in the sewer all the time, just like Pete.

Of course they do. No, don't they burrow into the ground and eat radioactive isotopes? I've read that somewhere. It's like people always say pigs are really clean, and then you see them and they're filthy. Well, they stink. I've never seen a clean pig in my life. I had a deer indoors the other day, and it stonked. Absolutely stonked.

Really? Yeah. Threw it out. You know, you never spend time with a pig and they start wiping surfaces down going, oh, I'm a hygiene freak, me. No. Just forgive me.

I'm really clean. Do they speak? No, they don't. You know, through their body language, I meant. Oh, that's made me have a bit of a panic attack. Just at the thought of it. No, it certainly explains Jane Torville. Yeah.

So, um... I'm sorry, I take that. I take that back. No, I take... I actually withdraw that officially. Oh, that's nice. I'm sticking with hating that Aborigine you had a fight with. Oh, God.

It's all right, too. I hate one Aborigine. Yeah, well, that's what you did not clarify earlier. No, it's one. I love all Aborig hate one Aborigine. Yeah, well, that's what you did not clarify earlier. No, it's one. I love all Aborigines except this one. That's ridiculous. I haven't even met them.

I used to like Boney. Do you remember that TV show with the Aborigines? No, but I don't like the sound of it. It was good. What else? I'll tell you what else, Frank. We've had an email in, and this is regarding the cockerel. So I think I should read it. Oh, okay hi hi frank emily and alan may i table an urgent question in the house for a number of weeks now seven i think you've neglected to call alan by his famous nickname

but there's been no mention of losing the name is it it a copyright issue? I've contacted Kellogg's, but no comment from them. Nice. Or is Alan going for a change of image now that he's a TV regular on Mock the Week? I, for one, would welcome the poultry's return. And if any houseman could make a guest appearance, then my weekend would be complete. Ahoy, hoy, Nick.

We've done it. What was the last bit? That's like a DJ. We've done it already. He's saying ahoy hoy. Ahoy hoy. He says goodbye. Ahoy hoy.

Is that a common? I don't think so, no. Did Sir Chris Hoy cycle past us as he was finishing the email? That would be good, wouldn't it? No, well, you know what? It's never occurred to me that I don't say the cockerel when I say it. Frank's got an absolute radio with, I say Alan Cockerel and Emily Dean and Emily Dean and Alan Cockerel.

But we should just clarify that you called me the cockerel. Oh no, it was a text when I first joined. I don't know who this cockerel bloke is. I am stranger. I am stranger and afraid in a world I never made. Sorry?

You alright? Oh, is it? Once you've got one siren out the way, you can relax into Sorry? You all right? It's an A.E. Houseman quote. Oh, is it? Yeah. Nice. Once you've got one siren out the way, you can relax into A.E. Houseman quotes. Once you pop with A.E. Houseman, you can't stop. It wasn't deliberate, that, though, I must say. Also, I think it is important to flag up

that it was a nickname bestowed upon me. It's not like Paul Lynn's calling himself the Governor. No, it is not remotely like that. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, it is with a hard and heavy heart that I bring you the following news. Apparently, the age at which you officially get old is 28. I thought that was good.

I thought someone famous had died. No. No, this is worse. This is much worse. Oh, is it? There was a survey and it was... 28? It was in the Daily Mail.

Fair enough. Yeah. They're an open-minded demographic, the Daily Mail. But yeah, so the participants were saying that that's what they considered the age at which they'd officially grown up and sort of put away childish things, essentially. And there were some signs that they felt illustrated this.

One of these signs was that they switched from watching X Factor to Strictly. I don't know how you feel about that. They seem to be defying all the laws of chronology. Surely Strictly starts first. Oh, thank. I watch both. Where does that put me?

In some sort of Peter Pan middle ground? Well, Daisy, the producer, mentioned this once, and Daisy, the producer, said she felt it was a class thing. Oh, yes. Yes.

I'm guessing Strictly is what middle class, do you think? Let's put it this way. I'd describe X Factor as people that say H. OK. Isn't that steps? No, but I think that's fair enough, isn't it? Yeah. OK.

Well, I say I like birds. Yeah, I do as well. It is as if i am every man yeah well yeah i like those two okay so that means on point one we haven't established whether we're old or young what about whether we have any idea what is number one in the charts oh what the music charts well that kind of sums it up doesn't it, the music charts? Is it that, um... Well, that kind of sums it up, doesn't it? What, the music charts? I don't think I've known what was number one in the music charts since I was about 16.

The musical charts? Is it that Korean bloke? Oh, um... Open Gangnam Style. Gangnam Style. Is it Gangnam Style? Open Gangnam Style. Or is he just viral?

I don't know. I'm thinking Gingham Style. That's what I thought he was saying. I thought he was singing a great... That's quite a good guess. Maybe it is him, Si. Yeah. I thought it was about Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.

Daisy, the producer, is shaking her head. Oh, that's a good guess. Skyfall didn't make it, did it? No, it didn't. It got something else. We don't know. We don't know. Yeah, we don't know.

So we're officially old on that one. This is us discussing for three minutes what we're officially old on that one. Discussing for three minutes what might or might not be number one. This is great. This is what got us the Sony nomination. I know I'm old. I fell down three steps in the cellar the other day. I bet Nick Grimshaw would know what was number one in the chart. I should think so, yeah.

Yeah, he'd know that. I bet he hasn't even got a cellar. I bet he's got an apartment. Oh, he's got an apartment, yeah. Oh, he's very apartment, isn't he? Yeah, but I don't know how Kate Moss gets up the stairs in those heels. Or Alexa Chung, or whatever trendy cool person he's got going up there next. Maybe they just crawl up them.

You know, like babies back, go downwards. I imagine they're lowered in by their people or from helicopters. What's the other... You stop going to nightclubs. Oh, well. Done. Of course. Do they still exist? I never did anyway, because I'm not 50 Cent. Check out my ladies

at the nightclub. I live in North London. I found out that my sign is I've stopped settling minor disputes with a dead leg. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a couple of texts about the flushing the frog down the toilet. Well, I've heard some euphemisms.

Sewage flow should be more than 95% fresh frog should be fine clive london oh that's good news he sounds a sensible chap well it's funny you should say that five minutes later clive london texts ahoy hoy was how to answer the phone invented by edison and still used by mr burns in the simpsons clive london i'm. I'm hoping that Clive just knows these things and he's not a Googler. Oh, if he's Googling, he's in trouble. I think he knows them. I think he's like, who is that taxi driver that won Mastermind, Frank? Oh, yeah.

You know who I mean. Fred Hauska. Yes, I think he's a bit Hauskosian. I hope so. You know his name. You two. You two. You guys. Frank, have i got time to read out this

email about daisy do you think well i don't know how long is it well daisy's our producer i should say 20 pages hi frank allen lovely miss m and the mysterious purple lady we're having a terrible terrible uh circulation you've picked up on the camcorder. I thought since I'm awake I'll check out the studio webcam for the first time. Frank, who's that beautiful young lady to your left? She's wearing a purple top.

She is lovely. Boy, Frank, between her and the gorgeous Emily... Look, that's not the only reason I'm reading this out. I am between her and the gorgeous Emily. How do you do it? And can I say it does nothing for me?

How do you do it? The radio show, I mean. I couldn't concentrate. There you go. That's from main man Mike Marshall. Main man? Well, Mike, I'm all right with it because, you know, there are two lanes in the swimming pool of my female associates.

Oh, dear. I hope the frog's not in it. And in one lane swims those women who I find tantalisingly attractive. Oh. But in the other lane there's the threat people who i think of as close personal friends and no matter how pretty they may be once they're in the friends lane that's where they remain now you tell me yeah swimming underneath that's something else about getting older you start finding older women attractive you know when a young man watches Charlie's Angels

and says, oh, God, which one do I like more, which one do I like best? I'm like that with Rip Off Britain. I'd say... You're like that with Coach Trip. I'd say... I'd say 30 is what I would say. You're basically, you know, you're wrapped up.

Well, do you know what I always say, Frank? It's the use of I'm only. And you can't ever say I'm only 27. Stop to 26. When we used to laugh when we were like 15 at school about being 30, like, you know, we'll be 30 before we know it, ha-ha-ha, ridiculous. And then when we were 30, did think oh god this is the end and even though I'm much older

I still think that I hear someone 31 say I'm still pretty young I'm only 31 I think no no I think no you're not you're over 30 take those rollerblades off now that's what I think I like this sort of measuring of how you

I find at West Brom games, when I shout out the players, I do tend to call them son. That's a definite sign. Even Shane, he's my favourite. And also, I never do that thing. I don't know quite when they stop. I never do that thing of offering someone a handshake

and then when they reach for it, thumb in my nose. And I associate it with the exuberance of youth and not only do i not do it but i feel bad that i ever did it and that's age isn't it yeah that's that's age on that bombshell yeah also i don't in my entire wardrobe own a two a t-shirt not one not one anymore oh they've gone sorry to admit that here on absolute radio the home of the tour t-shirt okay we got mark crossley coming up next and you know what if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this same time next week and may i say we love you all this is frank skinner absolute radio