The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Perkins

Episode Date: October 11, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and friend of the show Steve 'Wikistevia' Hall. Excitement is at an all-time high as the hourly countdown to Frank's Dr Who appearance begins! The team also discuss Kim Jong Oon's disappearance, animals in strange places and ask the readers what they shout at the telly.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall has joined us. Good morning. This morning. You can... Morning, Peter. Morning, Richie. Morning, Jim. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had some tweets already, Frank.

Tweets. Can you imagine? Tweets for my sweet. What they might be regarding. Oh, let me see now. Let me just check my date. It's 11th of October. It's a Saturday.

Oh, yes, I remember what it is. I'm on Doctor Who tonight! Yes, I am on Doctor Who tonight. I love the way you've been so self-effacing about this whole thing. Yes, I've never responded like this. I've read every preview and review. I never read any of that stuff. And I tell people, I've been sending people pictures of me.

I never do anything like this about my normal career. Can I be honest? I am quite shocked at how many pictures you're sending us. I know. I mean, in the week, you've been sending, I've never had so many mass emails from you in my entire life. I, um, I, and the quarter. You said, look at me. They actually say things like subject, look at me.

I was just doing it. OMG. I was just doing it. I was just saying, look at this brilliant poster with, with me on it. Yeah. I know. I've, I don't know what's happened to me. I've become some sort of egomaniac. I'm really excited. I'm some sort of egomaniac I'm really excited I'm some sort of egomaniac It was really exciting, even seeing you in the trail last week

Me and the wife I don't know that pub We had a little squee We had a squee by osmosis Well I am too I would say, and I'm not exaggerating There's been three trailers Released this week

I'm not really counting or anything's been three trailers released this week. I'm not counting or anything. God! That first one, which was the Next Time trailer... Are you referring to Can't We Get A Better Expert? I knew. Oh, you. My mother, who's a professional actress of some years standing, said, I can tell he's wonderful just from that one line.

She did. Oh. And so there's that one and then there's one which ends with me um doing another line which is uh do it do it now for us go on everyone okay one two three um something else might be responsible oh lovely and uh i've watched yes We'll get T-shirts with that on. Yes. I've watched, I would say, each of those trailers in excess of 40 times. I'm not exaggerating. I might be playing it down.

There's another trailer that doesn't have me on. And I've watched that once. It's nice, but you know what it's lacking? What? Me. Hank, what if you're really good? Well, I wouldn't worry too much about that. No, but people might say,

imagine a star is born. Skinner. I imagine Skinner is electrifying the Jewish Chronicle. Yeah, and the fact that obviously Peter Capaldi had had a small role in a previous series of Doctor Who. Yes. So it's not beyond the realms of possibility. Colin Baker was Maxill, of course, and then went on to become the Doctor. So you could be Colin Baker.

I could be Colin Baker. Wowzer. Yeah, but order me some McDonald's takeaways. I love Colin Baker, so sure up about it. Listen, so we've had a couple of tweets. OK. Adam says, so excited to see you on a trail for Doctor Who. You weren't edited out.

No, I'm definitely in it. Because they won't put me in the next time trail and then I'm not in it. So at least I know I'm in it. Matthew McGrath has said, looks like the cockerel needed the day off to find a blank videotape for Doctor Who tonight. I think he spent the day off thinking, what about my acting career?

I think he's in a dark room with his head in his hands, saying, how did this happen? I'm the actor. And I'm not disputing he's the actor. Actually, you're an actor as well am you oh finally you get to me i was there first darling i mean i'm not sure i got the tense right on that statement but um yes and i can i um say to our readers i'm i'm not going to go on and on about it all day all right okay i'm gonna fight the urge but, I'm going to fight the urge. But obviously I've got to mention it

because it's oozing out of me like oil oozing out of the ground in the opening credits of the Beverly Hillbillies. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 740, a.k.a. Ian Angle. Ah, the angle has landed. Yes. You never know, a.k.a. Ian Angle. Oh, the angle has landed.

Yes. You never know, Frank. Perhaps in a few years, people will be saying, Frank who? No, that's so clever, isn't it? Because that suggests obscurity and everlasting fame. Yeah. And the same remark.

As I once heard Bruce Forsyth say, I'll play your cards right, what a marvellous remark. As I once heard Bruce Forsyth say on Play Your Cards right, what a marvellous remark. And one of the contestants said quite a funny joke, but he wasn't prepared to call it a joke. Such is his grinning rage.

Jared says you must be super pumped for tonight. I do hope not. Well, I can't express my excitement, but I have been... Insufferable? No, you haven't, you haven't. Will you venture onto the forums afterwards? You know what, I've completely abandoned myself to reading stuff,

which absolutely slags me off. I look at the forums every week. Why should I stop? When I saw you on that trailer... Yes, let's talk about that again. I actually made a noise. Did you? I saw your face and I went...

If anyone had made a noise in our house, I'd have slapped their faces. That's going to be difficult. Do you know what? I've got people round tonight to watch you. Who have you got round? Or family. Family. They're close.

Close core. Don't get people round. You know, one of those things when you think they're not... You're going to have a round. Kath will be texting and stuff and it's going to be trouble. You're going to end up on no speakeas. My chair's very creaky. I don't want anyone thinking that's my skeleton.

Do you tolerate people pausing during Doctor Who if there's anything happening? If a cup of tea needs making? If it's anything less than a heart attack. Also, I'm not sure when to text.

I'm going to put this out here. Yeah. Because, obviously, I will be making the exception of a lifetime and watching you, because you're my dear friend. And I want to encourage you. You secretly watch every episode and you know it. Appreciate it. And, but when do I text?

If I do it too soon, that will irritate him, you see. If I leave it too long, imagine he gets no text. It's just the time, digital time, taunting him yes well yeah yeah i think you'll get inundated frank oh and i can't tell you can you imagine the office will be coming in the director of peaky blinders will be saying well it was staring us right in the face mark gatus has tweeted us mark gatus at Who legend, I think it's fair to say. Just a legend in general. Looking forward to tonight, kiddo, he says.

Oh, what a nice man, Mark Gatiss. How lovely to be nice and talented. I had the offer I set off for talented. No, he's a great man. Oh, I laughed at that Robin Hood episode, didn't we? Anyway. I did, I genuinely laughed. I enjoyed that.

That was a great episode. That's one of my favourite of the series so far. Oh, yeah. I like Time Heist. Just because he's texted, don't start creeping. I hate it when you do that, Steve. I've told you before. Must stop creeping.

I've only bought Stephen for bullying. I'm glad someone else has turned this week exactly yeah Alan's having a rest at home it's convalescent we ought to have a holding pool where people who've been bullied on the show can sit out there

who was it last week? I think Daisy got a bit last week yeah she did get a bit but can I say now that I love Daisy very much. She's like a sister to me. Obviously a younger sister. Younger sister who's taken away at an early age and brought up in a more street kind of way. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tell us more about Doctor Who, Frank. I'll tell you what, I never told you when I was doing Doctor Who that the director took me to one side and gave me a piece of advice. The director's a guy called Paul Wormsess, who's become something of a... He's doing the Christmas special, so he's the golden boy director at the moment. And I've known him for a long time, he's a lovely man.

He said to me, just a little word, something I've noticed about you, but when you have your mouth closed, you look quite heroic, and when you have it open, you look gormless. He said, so can you just remember which one

of those you're after? Is that right? Do you know, I've never realised that about you, but he's spot on. Did that resonate with you? Were you looking back at an old publicity shot? Yeah, well, I suppose when I'm talking, then, I look gormless. I suppose I know that I sound so bright. I'm not working hard on my physical appearance at those moments

yeah but it's an interesting bit of advice but I noticed one of the publicity shots is me looking gormless he was absolutely spot on do you know what I love you casually saying I noticed one of the publicity shots you've analysed all of the publicity shots yes yes and we have had to

as well by the way this is slightly just it's the same topic but it's also slightly different. I play a, well, one could say that I play a train driver. It's a bit more complicated than that. But when I was at school, a train driver was like the go-to ambition for young boys. People wanted to be train drivers. When did that stop? Can you imagine now a young boy saying,

yes, I'd like to be a train driver? Do they even have train drivers? No, they all want to do YouTube videos now. Yeah. That's the job they want to do. They've gone from Tube Train to YouTube. They all want to do videos. It's just, hey, guys.

What's the difference? Because train represents train of thought. I'm sort of intellectual. YouTube is all about me, me, me. It's all about you, you, you. But when it's you, you, you, it's at you. So that makes it me. I think that pithy little comment

could go very well on a lapel badge. And it could win UKIP the next general election. So did you ever want to be a train driver? I never did, no. I wanted to be a cowboy more than anything. So you'd have been robbing a train? Yeah, exactly. One of those trains with the big grid on the front.

You know, the cowcatcher. You know, in the Wild West, they had those big grids. Didn't bother you. Were you a Lone Ranger type? Would you win a goodie or a baddie? Oh, definitely a goodie. Yeah, Lone Ranger. I liked Paladin. Have gone,

will travel. That's who I liked. But, you know, let's not get into the Wild West at this stage. So, Steve, how's it been going? You haven't been on the show for ages. It's been a while. So, the last time I was on, my wife was fit to burst with our first child. Oh, yes.

So we now have a baby. She burst. She did indeed burst. Congratulations. Yes, thank you very much. I had as many as three tweets from excited readers wanting to know her progress. Yes. So we have a lovely baby daughter called Polly, who is now

about three and a half months old. What's her weight? She was eight pounds six. Lovely. Good, good. So nice and healthy. Why do they do this with babies? Why do people do that? Well, I like to know if they're a size zero still. But if someone said to me, I've got a new girlfriend, I wouldn't say, oh, what kind

of weight are we talking about? Can I be honest? I would. Yeah, I know you would. They should be weighed on the first date. That should be a tradition. It was a very exciting labour. No one said that for a few years. I hadn't realised how

sickly I am. You should have called me, I would have told you. Well, I was cheering her on by the bedside, and as Polly was due to exit, pursued by a bear, she... You were cheering her on. When they say sometimes it's nice

to have chanting, they mean like in a yogic way. Not a... Come on, come on, come on. One baby, there's only one baby uh so the the the staff was so concerned they insisted that i go and sit down because they were saying you're about to faint and i was trying to say to them i promise you i'm not i'm just this pale all the time yeah and they were going no you're on you're about to hit the deck and so they i was kind of wrestled into

a chair and sat down by a very angry nurse and then as soon as I was sat down, out popped our daughter. The adrenaline got me on my feet. I saw her from a distance. Oh, that's a bit harsh, being put in a chair for the birth. Still, it all went well. How lovely

that that has happened. Your life has changed dramatically while you've been away, Steve. Yes, and I now look about 15 years older. No, no, you look as pale and as drawn as you always did. That was the advantage you had. Yeah. Is that you were never going to look any tireder. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Have you put that picture of me up on the website yet? Hurry up. You took a lovely photo of me earlier, Frank. Yes, Emily was wearing a fur... What would you call it? It's faux.

Like a fur cape. Faux fur. It's a faux fur cape. And it's a cloak because I get so cold. It's kind of a faux fur athletic. I get so cold with the excellent. With the terrible temperature control in this place I've decided I'm going to stop wearing a cloak. No well it looks good. But her face was surrounded with this little halo of faux fur, and she did look like that Jesus fresco that someone tried to renovate. The badly painted one. Well, it started out well, and then that woman said,

oh, I'll renovate it, and she turned out to be like the local cleaner. Yeah, it was a painting. It was called Eki Homo. Yes. The painting, I think. Yes. Yes. It sounds like a Yorkshire gay club.

Hi. Stop it. Yeah, so I was, I tell you what I was doing this week. Something I don't do. You know when people say, what shows do you watch on telly? And there are certain shows that you think, oh I must

watch blah blah tonight or I must tape it. I still say tape it, clearly. But there's a show that I always seem to just land upon, and that's the Antiques Roadshow. Oh, I thought you were going to say 24 Hours in Police Custody. That's the only thing I watch. No, no, I've heard you and Daisy talking about that fervidly. Yeah. We love the crime shows, don't we, Daisy?

We love our crime shows. They can't be good as those. Police stop action. Was that one a quiet day in Ilford High Street? Until this clown... What is... Let's get another shot of a bloke doing a reverse round a corner on a dual carriage. What is this joker playing?

That's what they'll be saying about you tonight. Yeah, exactly. They won't be saying that. A perfectly safe junction until this character. Anyway. Meanwhile, over at the Antiques Roadshow. I'm watching the Antiques Roadshow with Fiona Bruce. Oh, does she come round to yours often?

No, she was on it. She gets a bit deeper every week, Fiona. She's going to end the series with Old Man River. Anyway, so she said, well, we've got this, look at this pot, what this woman's bought.

It's changed since I last saw her. She's gone, she's let her working class roots envelop the whole programme. But anyway, every time, I don't know if you ever shout at the telly at all. Oh, shout. But whenever they say the price of whatever the artist, I say, yeah, are you going to ask me for a price? I would say, you know, some people really collect this stuff. I'd say this could be worth anything between £200, £300.

I always shout, got it! They always look, got it, every time. And they go, oh, really? And you can tell they just want to smash it in the person, the expert's face. Yeah, yeah. I always think that they should say, can't we get a new expert? Anyway, no, but... I was making it a catchphrase. It's a little line, a little line on Doctor Who.

I've got to remember the other line. It could be a catchphrase or could it be something else? Have I remembered that second line correct? Shut your face. Got it. Yeah, so I'd like to know what our readers shout at the television. Because I do that honestly at every pricing. I have to do it now. I'm always shouting at the telly.

Well, I say, can you turn it up, Shaquille? Yeah, she keeps it very high. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text straight away on the subject of things people shout at the telly.

Jimmy from Letchworth said he always shouts that there is never actually anything in suitcases on the telly. They get picked up with such ease and swing about the place. Yeah, that's actually... He's right. He's right to be irate about that. I've mentioned, I think, many times

that one of my most hated things on telly is when someone's searching someone's office and you know that the person is on their way back they'll be there any moment sometimes there's even a glass door so you're waiting oh frank and i get stomach pains with anxiety and i'm going that's it that's enough that's enough let's get out that's all you need get out it's the most it's awful i had it the other day watching houdini he was in the German ambassador's office. Why he had to stay in there as long as he did, I don't know.

Oh, I mean, you've got what you want. Don't open another file. And don't get a torch out, because that's going to make it worse. Oh, exactly. They'll set the torch on. They'll see the light. They always do. Oh, dear. And then you see the car, you see him getting out of the car.

You know, they're still... Oh! It's giving me stomachache talking about it. For God's sake, get out there. You've got what you need. Oh. I sometimes, if I see a rom-com, which... I eat it.

Is that going to be that joke? I'm on a rom-com diet. Which I do sometimes. I know you see a rom-com. I'm an intelligent woman. I've read Ulysses, but I have weak moments. And occasionally, I like a rom-com like as i'm sure daisy does and if i'm watching a rom-com and there's some ridiculous coincidence which

there always is isn't there in a rom-com oh oh we're in this island and but with with our new partners and then we run into each other i get so angry because i'm enjoying the rom-com and then that ruins it's too much of a coincidence. I will sometimes go, oh, for God's sake! That's my thing. You're right, you will sometimes do that. Like, yes. That's my thing. I'm quite giving on things like that, on plot things, yeah.

My dad used to do a lot of that. Oh, whoa, yes, like you'd go in there. Oh, that's going to protect you, isn't it? A barroom table when someone's shooting at you. I mean, that used to drive me balmy. I get quite post-modern in my criticisms. Watching comedy on telly is quite frustrating. You should want to share this.

Don't name any names. No, naming no names. Apparently, this is my wife has observed that if there's a if there's an anecdote that's presented as true but doesn't sound true at all apparently i'll just go well that didn't happen yes i do that i must say yeah isn't that satisfying i've seen there's a i saw a bit there was a man in which he there's a an anecdote in which a comedian claimed to have kidnapped someone and accidentally drunkenly kidnapped a dwarf and woke up with a dwarf in their bag, in their hotel room.

And apparently all I said was, well, that didn't happen. No, that was all you said on that act of, well, there's so much wrong with it, but all you were concerned of was the verity. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. I do that as well. I shouted at gigs. No, when he was talking about his relationship

with his brother's wife. There's a thing I shout based on an old episode of Fantasy Football League. There was once John Inman once, there's an episode where John Inman had to say the name Matthew Letiziae. Right. And so whenever I see Matthew Letiziae

it's, but it's my mate's version that I'm doing, but he says something like Matthew Letiziae! Yes. I'm glad we've got a legacy. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio it comes from 104 on the subject of things people shout at the telly he says my dad always shouts at

the telly when they leave half drunk pints of beer yes that's another for us my dad and also in coronation they would they'd pull a pint with the head of a bat. Oh, I know. Four inches of foam, and people would just happily take it. I don't like it as well when they get up to leave as they neck the end of the pint. No-one does that in real life. You sit and finish your drink. Well, a lot of people just leave it. They just leave large amounts of drink.

That'd be quite a satisfying bit, if just in one episode of EastEnders there was just a bit where Wade just went, can you just top that up for us? Yeah, exactly. That's just a little bit of unnecessary faff. But proper realism. I had a mate that used to not tell him he was shouting in pubs. If they didn't,

he'd go, short measure! That's his standard thing. His chair's very creaky. I apologise for it. Short measure should be a sitcom, like Ronnie Corbett running a pub. Can I not have two people shouting at me like that ever again? Steve. I've actually said this.

My pun was so weak that it's now been said. Thankfully, you didn't hear it and the readers might have. Well, I want you to say it again so I can hear it. Because you said Short Measure. I said that that sounded like an old sitcom. Ronnie Corbett running a pub. Yes. And it would be called Short Measure.

Yeah, that's all right. I'm happy with that. Well, you could have gone to me instead, but now you'll never know what I would have said. Oh, don't song. No, no. Steve's working on his Edinburgh material. He's trying out some new stuff.

I don't like this person who's listening live for the first time and wants to give credit to the podcast editors. What, for taking the music out? Apparently they work miracles. Thank you very much. They don't take any dialogue out, do they? OK. We've had a bad week, have you thought about that?

These people don't consider all the alternatives. What about when I used to... When Papin used to play the footballer, and every time the commentators... This is when I lived with David Baddiel. Every time the commentators said, Papan, I used to stand up, look out the window and say, that's probably my car.

Every time. I think when someone would say Papan, would say, Nicole. Fabulous. Is that true? Did you? say, Nicole. Oh, yeah. Fabulous. Is that true? Did you, or have you? Yeah, yeah, no, that's true. Papin was a, he was an endless source of comedy. And I'll tell you what, my mate's dad used to say two things.

Every time they say let at Wimbledon, he'd say bygones be bygones. Oh, I loved your dad. No, this was my dad, my mate's dad. And when Colin Bell was playing for Man City, every time they said, they'd go, right, Bell! And he'd go, book and candle. Every time. Every, every time.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us this morning.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've been talking about things people shout at the television. That's very good radio. Bit of back announcing.

That's what we've been talking about, yeah. Becky and John have emailed to say it really gets to us when people on the television finish a phone call and don't say goodbye before hanging up the phone we find ourselves saying it for them in fairness i often do that if i'm busy and i'm insult i'll go yes exactly slam do you wow that's terrifying yeah there's a thing i remember that emily said to me that she said she got upset if someone emailed emailed her and they hadn't used punctuation,

it's all lowercase and all that. It's like they couldn't be bothered. It's sickening. And now if I get that, my manager does that a lot. Does he? I always say that. What about when they start with an I, a lowercase I, apostrophe M, sick people? Yeah, yeah.

I find that sometimes retrieved. If at the bottom it has sent from my smartphone, I find myself forgiving that. Because if they're on a train and it's difficult. Well, are you impressed they've got a smartphone? I think if at the bottom it says E.E. Cummings, I'm all right with that. But other than that, anyone who got that joke, congratulations. You're friends of mine. I'm relieved.

I do. I take it as a slight. Good boy. 013 says when i watch programs like oh i love that when i watch programs like a place in the sun and the people don't choose any of the properties on offer i always shout free holiday keith from basingstoke yeah well spotty kids that's never occurred to me 2299 has said they shout at the TV, when in EastEnders people arrange to meet but never specify a time, they just say, see you later. But I guess that's because in the world of EastEnders, they're only ever going to be in the Queen Vic.

Yeah. So they'll be there at some point. And also, I think they don't really want to meet that person. What I used to be troubled with in EastEnders was when someone who worked on the market, something would happen to them and they'd say, oh, Dave, can you just run the store for a bit? And Dave didn't say, well, hold on,

I have no idea of your pricing system. Too late, they're gone. They just give them an apron. Like, having an apron means you can operate a market store. It's like being past the ring in The Lord of the Rings. Yeah. Frank, we've also had... Can you... I give you the magic apron of marketry.

Oh, yes. Oh, yeah, apples, apples. It's working already. Apples! Weird. We've also had a link sent to us of a news story, and the news story is Crie grant's bristol roots celebrated at new festivals i think i know what's coming here this is from john welsh who simply says from the slums of bristol yes this is something my dad used to shout every time carrie

grant came on the telly he would say carrie grant from the slums of bristol i've no idea if he came from slums he came from bristol but i think my dad added know it if he came from slums. He came from Bristol, but I think my dad added the... He started to sort of point up the rags to riches story by putting him in a slum. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Got a nice text from 491 who says, my dad, he's given his dad a full name,

my dad, Steve Tiffin, gets very frustrated watching darts and frequently shouts, pub darts, when they get a one or a five. Oh, that's a good one. I like the sound of that, Dad. Frank? They used to shout in the pub when I used to play darts, if you got 26, which is quite common, so you get a 20, a 1 and a 5 at the top,

someone would shout, bed and breakfast. Two and six. Thanks, everyone. I'm just relieved I didn't get that reference. Yes, well, I know it is a little out of date now I come to think about it. Two and six. Not the fact that it's all money. In fact, that would be 12 and a half feet.

A two and six material just isn't flying at the moment. No, I don't know. I think I might have to go metric with my material. Especially in the universities. In fact, we need to talk about Kim. Oh, yes. My boo. Kim Jong-un.

Yes. Who I fear I might have once made a friend of the show Whilst you were off Which I accept now was irresponsible of me Well I don't know I've got a soft spot for Kim Jong-un Well you'll be gutted to learn That he's missing

Well Isn't he on gardening leave Well what is it Steve First we heard he's got a terrible addiction to Emmental cheese. Yes. There's lots of cheeses, isn't it? Well, Emmental's the one. Specifically because he's studied

at this Swiss finishing school where they've obviously taught him immaculately. He studied cheese. I heard he just sat at home popping baby bells. But now he's gone on to intravenous fondue. That's the dark road.

Not many come back from that. It's amazing. That's one of the speculations of the cause of this ill health and ballooning weight. But there are things that the news can say about Kim Jong-un that you couldn't say about any other leader. So one of the things they say is, he looks even more overweight than usual.

And that than usual is so damning. Yes. We're supposed to be sensitive now about fat people, aren't we? I don't think sensitivity's high on his checklist of qualities. I know, but that doesn't mean two wrongs don't make a right. Well, it's tricky now that the bigger he gets... I'd like to hear him say that. Thanks, sir.

It's also, I find you can be a little bit disparaging about Robert McGarvey. If you're seen as a despot in any way, then it's all right to go here for the attack. Now that he looks more like KD Lang in a hall of mirrors than ever before. Yes. Yeah.

What about... Well, he had... So so firstly, we should say, it was the dangerously high consumption of Emmental is the one reason that's been cited. Can I ask you, what would you say is the cut-off point for addiction sympathy? You know, people feel sorry if you're on heroin or maybe alcohol. Jeez, I find people are a bit less...

Oh, the poor devil is a slave. He's a slave to dairy. And it's difficult to stage an intervention in North Korea. What point do you have of a word you say? We think you might be lactose intolerant as well as just generally intolerant. Perhaps he doesn't think he's fallen asleep and been eaten by mice.

Oh, I think we'll come back to this. It's a mystery indeed. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about Kim. Yes. He's gone missing. And also, Steve, he favours a Cuban heel.

He does. I've been looking at his shoes, wanting to get your opinion on them, because they're a fascinating construction. Please ask me. I have a lot of opinion. What a love a Cuban heel. Is he in an early Beatles tribute act? Well, also, he does favour a bootcut slack,

and that comes with its own sort of problems anyway. I'd say. I mean, I saw a picture of him the other day. He was in billowing trousers. They were enormously... I mean, in a country where fine fabric is the premium... The shorter man tends to. Have you noticed Simon Cowell often goes for a bootcut jean?

Yes. Because they try and hide the Cuban. Maybe that's why he has disappeared. He's in training to have a Beetle. The Eatles. Maybe he's got... A fat Beetles tribute. Maybe he's gone lost in his own trousers. They thought that's just a pair of trousers

on the hanger, but he's become ensnared. What about... He missed the... He's missed a lot of fixtures. He missed the um he's missed a lot of fixtures he missed the workers party anniversary oh i don't know about you but that's always a regular fixture in my calendar it's for him i would have thought that's quite a biggie he sent flowers they were a bit garage flowers yeah you know oh dear i've been caught having an affair i'm gonna stop at the so garage they were those flowers can we say that kim Jong Un has definitely not been caught having an affair

no and I wasn't but there's one rumour in the news that he was so fat he broke his own ankles just under his own weight like he's some weird humpty dumpty figure that can't be possibly that's a bit Kim Jong Un likely

no because there's fatter people than Kim Jong-un. Precisely. He's still moving about. He's not that fat. He's kind of Michael McIntyre crossed with the kid from Up, the cartoon. Oh, yes. Which is not that fat. Also, that is seen as a sign of prosperity.

In North Korea, it's a good thing to be fat. Yes. You're saying yes. I think in North Korea, a coat is seen as a sign of prosperity yeah the the north korean bake-off is one of the bleaker bits of television you could ever see yeah but they all they all basically wear the same outfit don't they all wear that gray tunic thing yeah exactly and they've now got the station where's wally in north korea yeah he's a tough old tough old book.

So they had the cheese, then the Cuban heels, but do you know the latest reason they're giving for his disappearance? They're saying it's due to an unspecified discomfort. Yes. That's the reason. I love that, giving us that. David Cameron won't be at the G8 committee because of discomfort. What about Ed Miliband wouldn't go to anything?

His life is all about discomfort. I'd never go out with you socially. No. I didn't want discomfort. I did. I call it the truth. It's now suggested that his sister might be about to take over. Kim Yo Jong. Yes.

Who's much younger. That's an. Yes. Who's much younger. That's an original name. It's being complicated. It's Kim, that's the surname. It just comes at the front. That's their surname, yeah. Is that how it works? Yeah. I just think it'd be, when the register's called,

it'd be a good idea. Yes, I also like that idea that, say, you know, if they can't make it, their sister... I suppose it's what the royal family do. Yeah. As long as it's a relative, they can. Anyway, if you've seen Kim Jong-un,

please call the number which we're going to give after this song. Which will be mine. Can I say, I can't think of anything that would make me happier than you dating Kim Jong-un. Well, stick around. In his fabulous Cuban, his Kim Jong-eels, as I like to call them.

Named after his father, of course. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. That's me, by the way, Steve. I've been listening on the podcast to that. Good edit. It's a great edit. It reminds me of the theme tune to the Mary Whitehouse experience.

Slightly. Something for our older listeners there. Yes. So we're in email corner. Yes. So shall we begin? Let's begin. This is from Stumpy in South Wales. Okay. Okay. Rings a bell.

Yeah. Mr Radio, Cockrell and Miss Dean. I just wanted to wish Mr Skinner well with his Doctor Who debut tonight oh yeah did I mention I'm on Doctor Who

tonight er bracket Saturday he says I too will be making my debut on the show tonight I'm the scared chef

legging it from the mummy it's a pleasure to share the screen time with Frank if praise was allowed I'd put some here. That's Stumpy in Pontypridd, South Wales. How exciting!

Yes, I think I signed something for Stumpy. It's the sort of name sticks in your memory. It's now a nice down-to-earth anecdote. Yeah, exactly. Have you signed something recently for someone with a nickname? Why don't you text him? Any autograph anecdotes? So was he one of your colleagues?

Did you sit around talking about when you were in rep? No, I didn't. I think you took to being an actor like Adopt-A-Water. Yeah, exactly. I had the odd chat with them, you know. I spoke to some of the extras. There was a lady who was saying that she used to be in cabaret in the old days, you know, and she was known as the sepia sensation.

Never explain why. The older they get, they do have some more sepia sensations. They do. They're a nappy. But yes. But now he's given away the fact there's a mummy in it. Oh, to be fair. Yes, I know, I was joking.

That would be quite harsh on the spoilers. There is a mummy on the Orient Express. There's posters and everything. It hasn't paid, either. It's what I'd call a Pharaoh dodger. Lovely. Bit of a pun, bit of Doctor Who, everything you want in life. You old-timers sure do know how to have fun.

Hoo-hoo-hoo! I felt like I was on a porch then, looking out onto a wild west street. Just for a second. I got stuck trying to think if there was a pun involving Ptolemy then, and then I panicked and thought, I'm not 100% sure Ptolemy's an Egyptian thing. And also that's...

Like, Ptolemy another one. Yes. That's more radio for me. You've done it anyway. You've done that thing. Yeah, yeah. I've taken a cowardly step back. When people say, oh, it's going to do a joke about, and then they do the joke. We've more radio form. You've done it anyway. You've done that thing. Yeah, yeah. I've taken a cowardly step back which-

When people say, oh, I was gonna do a joke about it and then they do the joke. Yeah. We've all done it, Steve. That's basically all my stand up. No. No. Steve, we've got, we've got to sort your confidence out. Yeah, and I know just the person to do it.

Exactly. It's always helped me in the past. Good cop, bad cop in one human being. Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to, trying to get at the good cop thing. Oh, I've got confidence issues. I'll give Frank a call. That's so unfair. It's so unfair.

In fairness, you have done wonders for my confidence. There you go. That's because you are the sort of person who should have confidence. Lovely. Whereas Steve... No, no. I love Steve. I know. Get as Steve... No, no. I love Steve. I know. Get on to the email, Steve. Yes, we've

had a further email and this is directed to Ms Dean. Oh, it's about me. Love it. Hi gang, just wanted to say thanks to Emily for her suggestion of going to see Russell Grant in Edinburgh as a 26-year-old straight man. I thought he was going to say as a 26 stone.

Yeah. As a 26 stone straight man, I was not expected to have such a good time, but I did. I took a German work colleague and a nephew, neither of whom knew who he was, and though a little confused by most of it, they had a good time too. I feel it would be inappropriate and a tad confusing to combine Russell Grant and a knight's move, so I won't. And that's from Dowie. Oh. Well, I'm so glad the recommendation worked out for you.

Yes. Can I recommend that you see Justin Topa doing a contemporary dance at the Barbican Centre? Yeah. He was the Sun Astrologer, one of my favourites. It was a fantastic show, that, Frank. What about when the bit went wrong and he got angry? He turned Russell Grant and he said, just leave it. Yes, I always enjoyed that bit. I didn't get to it in the end. But it's interesting because I thought Emily sold it in a slightly ironic way.

But people still, they flocked. And good on Russell Grant for that. I have no idea how old Russell Grant is. He's 82? Can I recommend the... Oh, sorry, that's his collar. I recommend... Can I recommend

the levitating shaman on YouTube in which a shaman literally levitates high in the air. And that bit's not that exciting. It's when he lands on the floor and looks genuinely confused. I mean, I don't like a viral much, but that, oh, man, that's a beautiful thing. That makes me happy to be a human.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an email from Ian in Leamington Spa positing an interesting domestic scenario. He said, Dear Mr Radio, Cock-a-leekie and the Divine M, I recently had to deal with a rodent in the kitchen and was wondering...

I know, I know, it's serious. Was wondering how each of you on the team would deal with such a domestic situation. Well, it is strange that this should crop up because I was at home last Saturday and Kath was on the telephone And she came up to me. She was on the phone conducting a perfectly calm and normal conversation whilst gesticulating like the house was on fire. So it's a very weird juxtaposition. So she's going...

You get it? And she led me upstairs, still talking calmly on the phone, pointing at the window, and there's a floor in our house which we call the mezzanine, and there's an office that Kath uses as her office. Yes, I'm familiar with its work. And there's a window there, and we've got ivy up the wall. You know, it's lovely, ivy crawling up the wall,

makes you feel like you live in the country, which obviously I wouldn't want to do, but some people do. And there was a rat sort of on the windowsill looking in, in a very... I like that you've given him a sort of personality. No, but it was like... Do you remember the rat in the cheese cracker box on Fawlty Toast? Yes.

When the man offers a thing, and it looks like it's a really sort of phony-looking, sort of, yee, Kevin, that kind of rat. It looked like that. I mean, it was kind of a... I could have believed that it was somebody with a glove puppet thing. A 70s BBC props rat. Yeah, but there's no doubt it was somebody with a glove puppet thing 70s bbc props right yeah but there's no doubt it was a rat and we did a big rat like scary big yes it was it was um well had it been

a small rat i would have probably thought it was a mouse to be honest so um mice are fine so we we took our approach was to google it so we googled in ivy, and there's a long list of minor celebrities. And some quite specialist interest films, I would imagine. Yeah, and then, yes. Yeah, Richard Gere presents. And then it turns out that they're lured into the ivy because snails like ivy. And rats like snails. Did you know rats like snails?

Do you know? I never did. Yeah, so they go in there. I don't know if they sock them out of their shells or they just crunch them. This is nice. But that's what they go in there. Hi, kids. What I'm saying is they eat them out of house and home it'd be a very different david attenborough if you were doing the voiceovers they crunch them i've often thought about snails as well as do people eat them because they're

gastropods and it sounds a bit like gastropod and so they're led into the food thing. It's an interesting texting. I think you'll agree. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, 211 has texted us. I say that like it's breaking news of some sort. Yeah.

Ivan from Cambridge. This is to you steve he says don't worry steve ptolemy was the first hellenistic emperor of egypt after the death of alexander oh there you go relax so don't worry it was it was factually correct if entirely devoid of humor so i'm really i'm reassured i don't think it was totally fine. See, there you go with your confidence again. I'm quoting a review from the Sunday Times there. How are you? Are you really? No, no. The Sunday Times once described me

as fine. Oh, well, that's... Did they? Many men have described me similarly. Girl, you fine. No, I've only been, yeah, man, fine. You fine. Take me a slice of that Dean. That's the most sickening thing you've ever said.

We've now would like to return to Email Corner. OK. Because Carl has cleared up something for us. OK. Which was, do you remember you were talking about James Brown, I feel good? Yes. Yes, this is a few weeks ago. I think he says something...

He says of instead of have. It's something like, I feel good. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na. I knew I would of, or something like that. Isn't that right? Yes, something like that. Yeah, and Carl's email basically confirms you are 100% correct. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. We've probably got a fanfare. And Carl's email basically confirms you are 100% correct.

We've probably got a fanfare. Let me see. Yeah. Not dissimilar to the one I just did. It is indeed. Whoa, I feel good. I knew that I wouldn't have. Yeah.

Wouldn't of. Yeah. I know there's a few examples. Bl that in charmless man uh there's one of the lyrics is i think he'd like to of being ronnie cray it's i think they're deliberately doing it wrong to show that they were such urchins oh of course yeah that's mockney that's what that is i doubt if um james brown was going in for Mott. Hardest working man in show business. That was his nickname. Do you know that?

That's you now. Yeah, exactly. I've taken over the mantle. He had something like 99 Billboard's top 100 singles. That's agonising. 99. I think only Elvis and the cast of Glee had more billboard hits than James Brown I think he had 99 Joan Collin films DVDs

but the bitch ate one it's a struggle to get that out you're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email us via the Absolute Radio website. Now, Frank.

Now. We had some huge news earlier in the week. Did you see the horse that walked into a police station? It's been everywhere, that thing. Can you both start thinking of your little jokes and your puns now, and we'll get them out of the way. I know you'll have them. Well, didn't the police...

Yeah, the police have beaten us to it, yeah. He said, what did he say? At nay point did he pose a risk to security. He said, what did he say? At nay point did he pose a risk to security. Come on, respect. And on their Twitter feed they put a different pun. They said, looks like we've got a new nay-b. Oh dear.

They've stuck with the same pun, though. Yeah, yeah. Of all the things that they could have gone for, they've gone for there. I wondered if it was Shergar finally giving himself up. Ridden by Kim Jong-un. They described it as a noble steed in the papers. Because it was a pony as well.

It wasn't a proper big-sized horse. It was a little pony. A bit rude. Yeah. But you're thinking if the police were going to indulge in humour, they might take it down the more like, you know, a horse walked into a police station, why the long face? I've just witnessed a horrific crime.

Yes. Or something like that. But just nay. It's like puns are acceptable if you're a newsreader or a PR for the policeman. No, but Frank's puns are good. Oh. Hey, come on. That's the trailer.

Sorted. Whereas newsreaders, if it's a chicken story, it'll always be, that's very egg-citing. Or if it's a cat story, it'll be, that's purr-fect. So they're puns so awful, they should be no longer allowed to speak. But you have to do it on local... You can't say anything on local news

that isn't what I would call a sort of a pun-light thing. Everything they say. Did you witness the footage? Yes. Of the horse wandering the police station? I particularly like the very jobsworth man at the police station. Well, that was the security. Yeah, yeah.

I didn't know they had security at police stations. What? So that they don't get through to the police. Aren't they security? Yeah, one would hope so. But he does a great thing, which is the horse comes in through the automatic doors, and then the man does a very caretaker

in a 1970s film shoeing motion. I thought he looked a bit like the elephant keeper on Blue Peter. It's a bit like the 1993 Grand National, the race that never was, where it's just a man waving his hands in front of a confused animal. What would have been the real story

if a horse walked into a police station and then ten minutes later it was taken over by Greek soldiers? Yes. That would have been one of the great raids of all time. Yes. That would have been one of the great raids of all time. Fantastic. You know, I do like an animal on the loose though, Frank. Well, you wouldn't if you

had seen that rat. I empathise with these people. They saw a horse looking through the window, but they didn't see a rodent. I think I just, I find it appealing. It exposes man's vulnerability and i like man's vulnerability exposed yes i know you do they hate it when you refer to it as that though but something's going on in the world though rats horse i've

been getting a lot of big spiders in the house just lately as well you've had some huge ones in your garden i wonder if they sort of shooed this horse into an enormous glass and then held a saucer over it and carried his head in that. I've done that twice recently. Oh man, I'm so proud. I feel so proud. Look, I'm the

hunter-gatherer in the house. I might do a drawing of it on the wall of our house, me haunting it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You may recall, Frank, last week I don't know if you

know this, Steve, but I was telling the boys that I'd started to embrace the lower shoe. That was a shock to us all. Kim Jong-un was delighted. It was in his honour. And I was loving my newfound freedom. I mean, we were all, can you imagine? Emily, of all

people, in flats. Yeah. Six inches minimum. In any form of a flat. Be it high rise. Now she's given up the high rise. I could walk again. It was great. And now, now that things are taking a turn for, let's call it the au naturel, I decided recently, I did something extraordinary.

I braved the world with a naked face. I went sans make-up. Just a minute. I'm going to do, I'm just going to have a drink out of this tea. What did you say? Now, this is... I went a little bit what I call a late-night chat show about women's issues. Wow. That I did no...

That's a very specific category. And do you know what? I liked it. Really? I loved it. I haven't done it this morning. Oh, I was looking, you see. No, I? I liked it. Really? I loved it. I haven't done it this morning. Oh, I was looking, you see. No, I'm caked in it.

But it's early. But no, I did it. It was because I was late, Frank. I was running late. And I sort of half forgot, which I thought was a good sign of my confidence. But what about the half of you that remembered? Well, I got on the tube. Yeah remember? Well, I got on the tube.

Yeah. I know. I got on the tube. Did you see your own reflection and go, who is that? Goodness me, she looks amazing. You had flats on, no make-up, and you got on the tube.

I'm starting to think that the real Emily's in a cupboard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Were you in tracky bombs as well? No, I'd been up late the night before. I think I was watching Vince Cable compilation or something. I'd had a late night. So I was just, I was in a rush.

But what happened was when I got on the tube, I couldn't get a seat. Now, there are certain, even I will draw the line at doing the makeup standing. You can't do that. Is that right? Oh, it's terrible to do that. It's just not the right etiquette. So I thought, I'm going to have to brave it. And I went, nothing, no foundation, nothing.

I thought you had a make-up bag that said, Make-up on board, so someone had to stand on it. Yes, I would. So I went into work I mean, it was difficult at first Someone asked me if I'd had an eye infection Genuinely Genuinely, someone asked me that

I'm not joking That's great She said, oh, that looks nasty She said, that looks nastier Have you got that eye infection back? I think I'd have just said, who are you? She's no longer with the company It's weird this, though, isn't it? I mean,

Clooney's wedding last week, we got human rights barristers in haute couture mini dresses. And then we got the editors of fashion magazines in flats and no make-up. The world is upside down. But you know what? I'm starting to feel the benefit. Because when I do put it on,

people, it's like wearing a coat suddenly. It's like saving your coat for outdoors. Is it is it warmer was it on no people will say you look great which they wouldn't have previously with it or without yeah with it because they can't believe the difference it makes so i say that the special occasions now well you were wearing we went to the pub on uh earlier this week we did a pub quiz hold on hold on we went to the pub yeah we start the staff had a secret meeting yeah yeah but the part-time staff are in as well big daddy big daddy sometimes we just like to give you the bacon sandwich we don't like to show you how the pig is killed i know but that i can't You and me too? Sometimes we like to do our own thing.

It was the pub quiz. Well, I'm afraid it was cancelled at the last minute. They heard that Wikistivia was in town. They all got scared. Well, actually, what happens, I heard you two had gone out without telling me and I had it cancelled. One phone call from me.

I've got to do a personal appearance as Perkins at the pub next week. In class, do you? Frank, it's not many hours now to go. I'm aware of that. My pants are completely full. Back and front. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, I was... There was quite a staggering revelation earlier that I'd braved the world sans make-up. When are you going to come in here sans make-up? I don't know if I can handle that. It's radio. I'm in baby steps. Yeah, but we discovered there was a webcam

when I took my jumper off that time. Oh, yeah, that's true. But I did enjoy the extra sort of, let's call it hour and 45 minutes that it gave me in the morning not putting make-up on. Because the extra time is useful. It doesn't take an hour and 45 minutes. I've got it down to, I can do it in about, I'd say, 14 minutes.

Sometimes 12. I'm liking the 14. Yeah, I am. I was in bed the other morning and I got a phone call from my girlfriend. That's how big our house is. I love it when he goes all Dwight York about his en-suites. I like to talk about my crib occasionally. Anyway, so it was Kat saying, are you ready to go then?

And I suddenly realised that we had to be somewhere at 9.30. Oh, no. And we were leaving at 9.00. You know, that was fair. And it was... I thought, OK. So I got up and I had... My hands were working independently.

I was buttoning a shirt with one, cleaning my teeth with the other. It was really... And it makes me think I allow, say, an hour, an hour and ten in the morning to get up. I was still downstairs on time and ready to go. And how were you smelling? I think it was Madonna who said, borderline.

No, I did that thing, I aerosoled over roll ball. So the previous day's roll had started to fade, so I just topped it up a bit. Did you do a prison wash? I didn't even do a prison wash. The only one thing I would have noticed, I had a suit on, that helps. The thing I noticed,

I have two tufts of hair at the back of my head which need to be washed and gelled to be removed. I see them on school photographs from the 60s, the same tufts of hair still there. Oh. And they were there. But don't we waste a lot? Do we really need, do we need breakfast?

Exactly, you don't need this time. No. And I want, I remember, I once went on a date with a Dutch man when I was in Turkey. That's a lot of complications. You sure it wasn't a Turkish man when you were in Turkey? This sounds like one of those meals when they put a crayfish inside a barbel. Put that inside a lamb. A turdutchen.

Yeah. And his name was Menno. He was from Delft. Lovely. Where is he from? Delft. Okay. I don't know Delft. No. I never got to discover it either. And my sister woke me up. She said, you've got that date.

You're meant to be there. I said, what time is it? 8.30. I was meant to be there at 8.30. I've never got... I kept my swimming costume on. I'd gone for a nap in my swimming costume. This was in the evening. You didn't have a date at 8.30 in the morning. No, in the evening. OK, fate had delved you a cruel hat.

I'm not that desperate. I don't accept breakfast dates. Yeah. So I had my swimming costume on. She arranged that you have to wear that. So I kept my swimming costume on, just put a wraparound skirt over it. I went running down to that beach bar.

What's a beach bar? You could have swam. Yeah. What if he'd have been sitting there just looking at his watch and you'd have come out like Ursula Andress. But still you made it. What about make-up? You must have done make-up

for it. No. I was doing it as I ran. Oh, wow. Just blusher brush as I ran. Did you arrive looking like you were in Kiss? I didn't look too bad considering. She blusher brushes. Did you arrive looking like you were in kiss? I didn't look too bad, considering. She had her tongue out. I was around 35 minutes late. But he was very Dutch. Oh, that's about average, isn't it?

He was very Dutch and very laid back. Yes, it's fine. It's fine. I don't know about it. It didn't last, but I think it was the commute to Delft that took its toll rather than my lateness. Yeah. This was Menno. Yeah, Menno.

Menno Men. It was the sequel to Man O' Man. OK, I wonder where Menno is now. Do you ever think about him? Not really. No. Well, let me think about him on your behalf. Skinner,

Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've got a number of plates spinning for the viewers, the readers rather, to text or tweet us at on the subject of things people shout at the telly. Stephen Barnes is one of the many who gets annoyed by EastEnders

because it's whenever people are offered a job and Ian in the cafe will say, can you start now? And he gets furious that they don't say, well, what are the wages? What are the hours? What's the uniform? What's the training?

Is there a pension scheme? Shares? I think they're just more flexible in Walsford. It's much more complicated than that, exactly. Exactly. But not in Ian Beale's world. No. And we talked about things people shout at the pub,

which was an offshoot. What about when people go out for some air in EastEnders? I'm just going to go out and get a bit of air. OK, who are you having an affair with? 195 on the subject of things people shout in the pub said that whenever they're playing darts and someone scores 105, everyone in their pub in Ascot shouts,

that's a guinea. Wow, that's quite a fine old reference. A guinea is a pound and a shilling, or a pound and five p, you see. Do you see? Hello? Oh, no, they don't answer, do they? Sorry. The earphones confuse me. Will from London shouts at the TV,

whenever anyone in any US TV show or movie, when they park in a dodgy car park, they never ever lock their cars. This is true, yeah. He's furious at that. And Alex Marsh, when his dad watches Pointless with him, whenever someone answers with an answer

they know is wrong, they shout, that's wrong! And then when it's revealed to be wrong, they go, we told you! I think for quiz shows, that's part of the joy oh yeah well mark richards says when i was a child you could always hear the neighbors shouting gamble at the tv when bullseye was on and the contestants have got through to the final with a chance for the star prize bully special prize i believe yeah but what was great was when they wouldn't gamble. And they brought the next...

The people thought they were out of it. They thought they were gone. They got brought back on for another chance. A sort of reprachage. Look what you could have won, which I often say to ex-Baltish friends. Yeah, exactly. That thing in the paper when they say,

blah, blah, shows, blah, blah, what they're missing. Oh, I love a what they're missing. They had a Kelly Brook one today in the paper when they say, blah, blah, shows blah, blah, what they're missing. Oh, I love a what they're missing. They had a Kelly Brook one today in the paper. I don't know what her last boyfriend was called. I believe it was David McIntosh. Oh, and it says that Kelly shows David what he's missing. We can do this for the picture of you that we put on the Facebook page. We can say, Emily shows Menno from Delft what he's missing.

If he's still missing it, he's a tragic figure. He's laid back, Menno. Oh, no, she was beautiful, but, you know, there are other people I know. That's what it'll be like. He had Calvins. Did he? What was Calvin wearing? I'm just saying they weren't from the market.

No, no, of course not. They were the real Sylvester McCoy. I bet he has. I bet he has Calvin classics. Don't get me wrong. Massive respect. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

A man, speaking of people born out of their time, Boris Johnson, has been in the news. Well, he's constantly in the news. I enjoyed his little fluff earlier in the week. He was appearing on a... I don't think he's ever admitted any of those. He had a moment, he had a senior moment, where he completely forgot the name of the Tory candidate in the Clacton by-election. Yeah, I don't know if that was a senior moment

as much as an elitist moment. Yeah. In that he doesn't really care about that person, does he? Yeah, absolutely. He forgot the name, as indeed did most of the voters in Clacton. He's called Giles Watling. Giles Watling, yes. He was actually in the sitcom Bread. He's called Giles Watling. Giles Watling, yes. He was actually in the

sitcom Bread, which we would watch it sometimes at school as part of our social education. Well, I have to say, if you were told that someone from Bread was going to be an MP, you'd guess that would be a Labour MP, wouldn't you? Yeah, yes.

Yes. But he's one of the ones that's turned. Well, one of the cast from Bread, Peter Howitt, directed Sliding Doors. So they've had an interesting career post-Bread. Hmm. If there's any other Bread-based celebrities who've gone on to do interesting things, let us know. And what happened to that China cockerel that used to be on the table? Yeah.

Is that in some sort of TV museum or is it in a skip? Where do these things end up? Well, I'll tell you. On our Christmas table once when we had the flowers from the Vicar of Dibley Christmas special. Yeah, because our friend was a producer at the BBC. I said, oh, I love that arrangement. She said, Vicar of Dibley.

Well, a friend of mine was going past the BBC. Actually, it wasn't the BBC. I think it was Lime Grove or something. And you remember when Terry Wogan had a regular show on every night on Terry Morris, every weeknight, a chat show. And it had a sign hanging

that said Wogan, a sparkly sign. That was the set, basically. And after the series ended, they saw this thing at the back of the studio. So they went in and they got this three-dimensional Wogan. And what they did in their house, they had

their loft converted into a room and they wedged this Wogan sign between the floor. I don't want to wedge Wogan. Between the floor and the loft entrance. And they used it as steps. So they climbed up the sparkling Wogan. Yeah, found the stairway to Wogan.

Oh. She's climbing the stairway to Wogan. Ah, the old DG. Here we are in the vaults, the BB... Oh, yes, anyway. The whole... Have you ever... Have you ever had a moment like that where you've forgotten a name at a key time?

Oh, God. I interview... No, I... When you're comparing, it's always a worry. And I was comparing, and Joe Wilkinson was on the bill. Oh, yes. And he's a very fine comic... He's a comic, yeah. ..who I write very highly. And it was a very fine comic. It was a comic, yeah. Who I write very highly. And it was one of those, he wasn't, he was fairly new, I've got to remember the name.

And I always go for initials, just remember J.W., J.W. So he came on and said, Jack Whitehall! Please tell me you didn't do that. I did honestly do it. And he went up to the mic and said, actually, I'm not Jack Whitehall. It was a real terrible, awkward moment.

This is awful. It's the best thing you've ever done. I know. Also, there's a lot of very disappointed teenage girls in the auditorium. They thought Jack White had been on a desert island. But, um, I only had the initial, you don't know how close he was

to being introduced as Julie Walters. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The thing I enjoyed most in Boris's fluff was that he just became abusive to the DJ, to the person interviewing him. Did they?

Because they wouldn't give him the name and so they realised it was obvious that Boris couldn't get the name. Oh, it was Nick Ferrari. It was Nick Ferrari. And Boris went, don't just sit there like some fat Buddha. He did say that. He did say that. But in a sort of very...

And then when he gave him the name, he said, it's Giles Watling. That's very unfair as well. He's got a padlock on the fridge now. He said, it's Giles Watling. And Boris went, yes, I knew it was something. I knew it was Tingling or something like that. So just, he is absolutely teflon that even when he forgets his own candidate's name but see people would be saying good old boris precisely yeah and i kind of know what they mean about that

because the people who do remember the names they're not remembering it because they care no yeah absolutely i had someone just made up a name. They were bringing me on stage and they couldn't remember my name at all, so they just went please welcome Pete Templeman. Can I say that's better than Steve Hall? Yeah. It sounds like you might have gone to school with him, in fairness.

Well, the problem with being a comedian called Steve Hall is that people might always... Oh, another great way to begin a sentence. They might put Emptine as a middle name, as a nickname. Yes, yes, which you've introduced me on this show on a number of occasions. Oh, that's rounded it up nicely, then.

Yeah, and so, you know, don't give them that sort of leeway. What about when that woman at InStyle kept calling me Lindsay and I actually couldn't bear to, I mean, I was sort of half loved it, because I was waiting for the big, what I call the Jean Valjean reveal moment, when I would tell her the truth. Yeah. And she kept saying, I know Lindsay!

Exactly Lindsay! And then I broke cover. But I worked with a Michelle who I called Melanie for 80s, and someone said to me, her name, did you call her Melanie? And I said, yeah. And they said, she's called Michelle. And I thought, I've called her Melanie 20 or 30 times,

and she's never corrected me. Do you know I despised her for that? I was trying to have the Alan Partridge defence. In my defence, I never knew their names in the first place. That's true, Frank. We worked, really, I worked, I'm going to be brutal now, fence i never knew their names in the first place there was true frank we were really i worked i worked i'm gonna be brutal now i worked with a woman who was not a beauty and her name was i can do this because there's a imagine if you said that about me her name was val and um and i

remembered her by thinking val haller that's how I remembered the name, which I thought was hell. I thought it was hell, so I thought she looks like a creature from hell, which is unkind when you think about it. But then I discovered that Valhalla isn't really hell. It's an afterlife. It's a Norse afterlife place. But it's where sort of heroes, war heroes go. So I didn't feel so bad about it. You didn't shout Odin every time you saw her? No. I'd love feel so bad about it. You didn't shout, Odin! every time you saw her.

No. I'd love to talk about this further, however. I've just thought of a pun then, but it would have given the name of who she was. Don't do the pun. Because we have about eight hours until Big Daddy's big moment. It's a little more than that.

It's on at 8.35 this evening. There's a lot of love from the readers. Oh, they're loving it. Really? Now you're getting famous. Real genuine pride and excitement for you. Well, that's lovely. We've had a tweet from Lyndon who says,

was listening to previous podcasts online and in the first podcast on the 10th of the 11th, 2012, you talk about wanting to be on Doctor Who. Yeah, well, that's how I think. Someone texted the show and asked what our ambitions were I can't remember what yours was Oh I don't know but it probably involved

I think it involved um Manor? No it involved Tom Jones Tom Jones? Yes Well you remember the show still I think how do you get him to turn his chair around?

That's the question He just pushed the wheels a bit it's not necessary for me and I said I'd want to be in Doctor Who that was the thing I remember you poured scorn and who would have thought and now here we are

dreams can come true am I saying on a serious note I'm actually very proud of you well can I say on a serious note I am beyond happy and excited about the whole thing. I can't find anything cynical or ironic to say by the way of comedy, because I am just thrilled. And thank you for everyone who sent in those lovely messages. And thank you, Stephen Moffat, for giving me this opportunity. Oh, God. Allat, for giving me this opportunity. Oh, God. I'm Gwyneth.

Yes. And can I just say, my parents, who were so... And William Hartnell, who started the whole thing. Verity Lambert. Yes, no, really. But we still haven't got an ending to the show. Every week, we're trying to come up with an ending. Because I'm trying to get a new ending, Steve,

if you've got any ideas at all. You could regenerate. But just into yourself. Like a younger version of yourself. Yes. Well, you know what? I probably will do that tonight. I would watch it from behind the sofa

and traditional thing, but our sofa's against the wall, so I'd have to stand in the hallway and ruin the whole evening. Anyway, by way of an ending, we could say... Goodbye. What's the last thing I say in the show? Oh, I can't give that away. I'll do it next week. Spoilers! That's what I've got on my cortina.

The Frank Skinner Show on my cortina.