The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Petard

Episode Date: January 11, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank 'stayed in' for 4 days straight. The team discuss Dennis Rodman's Birthday serenade to Kim Jong Un, Shia La Beouf's method acting and Alun's favourite jumper. Plus, we find out the cost of Dog Dentistry,

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I sound a bit quiet, I think. That was a hint you said to the producer. I was saying I think I sound a bit quiet. You know those people, Royal, turning you up in their kitchen now on their radio? Yeah, do you think? Probably. Okay.

If they're up. Turn me up and turn me on. Oh. Okay, so I'm with. Turn me up and turn me on. Oh. Okay, so I'm with... Early, innit? I'm with Emily Dean and... I'm better early, I find, now. Emily Dean and Alan Cochran,

you can text us on 81215 about anything you like. And we might lead you places later, we might not. You might lead us. That's how it works. Democracy. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website.

Isn't it weird how already website sounds a bit old-fashioned? Yes, it does. It's a bit Terry Wogan. It's a bit of a website. Wogan's Web. I remember that programme. What about my shoulder roving this morning, Frank? Yeah, looking good. I remember that programme. What about my shoulder robing this morning, Frank? Yeah, looking good.

I put my coat on over my shoulders. It's called shoulder robing. Everyone does it in fashion. You know this thing you don't put your arms through the sleeves? Exactly. You just hang it over you like a cloak. Yeah. See, I've been talking about cloaks on this show for two years,

and now finally the person who represents the fashion industry has caught up. You know what I'm saying? Frank, we've had a tweet in. What, already? Yes. Ali Dunnell says, Frank, we last week's show and ducks. Frank, you shouldn't feed ducks bread. They need oats. RSPB member Emily

should have known. That can't be right. Honestly. Also, don't say I should have known. This was the 70s. There were a lot of things we should have known then. mean, everybody, honestly. Also, don't say I should have known. This was the 70s. There were a lot of things we should have known then. Well, yes, true. But certainly in radio. But dogs, they haven't changed since the 70s.

That's one of the things with dogs. They haven't moved on. And if ever, I mean, the place I go to to feed the dogs, there's loads of people feeding the dogs. It's a mix of parents and children and nannies and children and strange people feeding the dogs. If we all threw oats in, the whole lake would be a big bowl of porridge.

It'd be lovely, wouldn't it? Yeah. Oh, no. Lovely Quaker soup. I must admit, I'm worried about it, because surely they're not meant to eat bread, it's not like, Nietzsche doesn't create bread.

No one's meant to eat bread. Nietzsche. You say Nietzsche doesn't create bread. No. No, Nietzsche was culprit as well. I don't think bread is Nietzsche. Frank,

Charlotte has also tweeted us, this is also a reference to last week's show, I do love you Frank, but not feeding four families at Christmas, put me off you a bit. I don't think three chickens would have done the trick. This is Frank invited guests around. We didn't have lunch, so I went out

and bought three chickens. Yeah. Dead ones. Cooked. What if I'd come back with three ducks, fresh off the lake? And a bit of porridge. So it's all sorted. No, yes, well, I did admit that I felt bad about it. This is just a little bit of...

If you've never listened to the show before, it's not as good as you expected, is it? It will grow on you. Yeah, it will grow on you. It depends what kind of person you are. We had a lovely email from someone the other week who said, I've listened to the show for the first time, he said, it's like doing a crossword by

a new crossword compiler you haven't done before. I thought, how brilliant. I mean, I know that means he hates it, but what a good way of putting it. Yeah. Very lovely turn of phrase, our readers. Anyone who texts in, you've got a lot to live up to. Absolute, Absolute

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tell youner on Absolute Radio. Tell you what, I've had an odd week. I haven't. I went four days straight without... I went four days straight. Wow. Do you know what? I loved it.

No, I went four days straight without leaving the house except once to take the rubbish out. Just once in the four? In four days. And that was... Obviously, it doesn't take, except once to take the rubbish out. Just once in the four? In four days. And that was, obviously, it doesn't take me very far to take the rubbish out. You didn't even go in your new garden. Have you got a garden? I've got a garden, but it's wet.

It's a bit wet. I don't know if you've heard. It's been quite a bit of rain just lately. Well, I live 200 and odd miles from you, and I didn't know if it'd been raining in your bit. I think it's now looked nationwide. Yeah, but he's in the lowlands. It's been i didn't know if it's been raining nationwide yeah he's in the lowlands it's been all right yeah i um it's weird it was like being a politician in burma i'm just saying yeah just staying here yeah but it was um you're doing a salinger that's what i

call it when i stay here but you can tell what happened at one point a man came to read the meter and i got really quite excited started chatting to him really they don't they don't want to make conversation those people you're dressed they're going to do a job yeah oh yeah i got up in front well that's the tragic thing about it it was like um michael douglas in um is it falling down when he pretends he's got a job and he gets up it was like that i was getting up getting shaved getting clean and then just sitting around the house oh dear yeah. Oh see I would take full advantage and not get dressed.

No I'd have been in my gown. What about when the meter man came? Exactly. I'd have still been in my gown. My gown? My dressing gown. My gown. My wears. Madame de Pompidou. That's what you sound like. I've often thought that.

Yeah. I was so proud as well that I knew where the meter was because I only moved in, you know, a few weeks ago and I'm not a terribly practical man. No. I completely guessed. He said, where's your meter? I said, no, it's in here. I had no idea.

I went in and there it was. Did you open the door, there was a loo in there. I felt pretty good about it. It reminded me, I used to drive a Skoda. Extraordinary. It reminded me, I used to drive a Skoda. Extraordinary. It went flat, you know. Oh, yeah, the battery. Yeah, and a man, I was struggling with it,

and a man very kindly stopped and got jump leads out and says, I'll do this, I'll give you a hand. I couldn't find the battery. Uh-oh. And we looked for the battery and we couldn't find it, and in the end he just had to go and he just couldn't wait any longer oh so embarrassed so yeah so um and also now what's the idea is i thought maybe i should start working from home so i've got like a top room like

a garrett you know the artist in his garrett right. Yes. I've seen your Steve Garrett. Yeah. So it's a bit like that. I'm like, you know the wife in Jane Eyre? Yes. Who's sort of kept in the attic and then I think dies in a fire. Is it Grace Paul, I believe? Like that.

Is that what she's called, Grace Paul? I believe so. That's what you're like. I'm like that. I'm like the mad spouse who's been locked away to avoid public embarrassment and then has been caught talking to the meter man and the whole thing's had to be explained away. That's what I felt like. But it's odd.

I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, staying in. I'm just... I'm puzzled as to why you didn't go out if you were up and dressed. Well, I had no reason. I'm not a person who... You know, in EastEnders, they'll say, I'm just going to get some air. Yeah. And you know they're having an affair.

Right. Um, but does anyone go out for some air? Like, there is an air indoors. God, my wife does that. She thinks she's having an affair. Yes. She's on EastEnders. 100%. Definitely. 100%. There's a basic, I mean, physics. You don't have to be an expert on physics to know that

you don't have to go outside to get... Unless you live in a decompression chamber, which almost no-one does in this country anymore. Our house is a massive... But you want to feel like you've done... I've done that. I've done a four-day stretch. Or maybe not four, three-day, I think, maybe.

Three-day stretch I've done without leaving the house. But, I mean, not ill, just stayed in. Yeah, just fancied it. Sometimes when you've broken up with someone, I might do that. Oh, that's a bit Gerry Hallywell. Do you have to go to the night garage and get... Yes, chocolate cake. Yeah, 15 mock bars of chocolate and eat them in the darkened room. Yeah. I hate that. And all you do is sleep, which is good because it's God's way of making you look

a bit more rested and attractive. I don't know about the 15 chocolate bars every night. I've got ways. We want him in there. He might as well get an air freshener. If you're going to go to a garage shop, get some really novel. I like The Crown. Have you seen The Crown? No. There's a crown on a cushion

and you just slightly raise the crown and the vapour comes out. It's absolutely fabulous. Yeah, don't send me one, though. I can afford it. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, were the oats suggested that you feed the ducks, was it quacker oats

Ian Angle says? That's very fine. Ian Angle is almost our artist in residence when it comes to ponds. And we've got some great ponners amongst our readers. That is very good quackarats. Enjoyed it.

Okay. I had a gift. Oh, sorry. No, I've been corrected. Re-Grace Poole. Corrected? Yes. Hi, Frank and team.

Bertha Mason was Mr. Rochester's wife in the attic. She was looked after by Grace Poole. I see. I do apologise for you. Can I just say I like the way that you put your turn onto that text at the start. Hi, Frankenteam. Well, I think you should apologise to me.

What if I'd gone off and someone had said to me, oh, it's a bit like Mr Rochester's wife, and I'd said, well, Grace Paul. I'd have made a right fool of myself. Mr Rochester, that's Jane Eyre, isn't it? Yes. Why isn't she called Rochester then if she's the mad wife? She's called Rochester's wife but she does have a name, Jim Davidson.

Yeah. It's Bertha Mason. Why isn't... Burton Mason. No, Bertha. Bertha Mason Rochester, though. Yeah. Ugh. I don't know. These female novelists. So, um... Well, that's the thought.

I read Sylvia Plath for the first time this week. Not that good. Um... I received a... Is this like misogyny literary corner? Is that what's happened here? No, I think there are many, many. I love that as a poster quote.

Not that good. Not that good. I expected so much. I thought it was a bit six-form. Oh, thanks. She was a troubled individual. Maybe I need to adjust my aerial. Anyway, carry on. Okay.

Before you start insulting Virginia Woolf. I got a Christmas present this week that arrived. That's always exciting, isn't it? Is it somebody that hung on for the January sales? No, it was one that was sent to my previous abode.

Oh. So I had a bit of a treat. I had two Christmas presents and some cards all mid-January. Lovely. As a result, I was half tempted to get the trimmings back up. Really? And I thought now Straight in the bin

But also the cards had come off the presents You know when that happens So I don't know who sent them But I got some I'll tell you what I got I got some Beats by Dr. Dre I didn't even know Of course you did

Yeah, Barrett is a greengrocer now Very good No, they're called Beats Wireless Oh yes, I'm familiar with them He's a greengrocer now. Very good. No, they're called Beats Wireless. Oh, yes, I'm familiar with them. Yes, they're a man, a valet. What colour are they, Frank? Are they a... Red, aren't they?

Oh, OK. Well, they come in different colours, I think. I think they're beetroot. I was just imagining they might be white and I was getting slightly alarmed. I don't know what colour they are because I can't see round the corner of my head. Surely at some point you put them on.

Yes, you did take them out of the box. I don't think I put them on and looked in the mirror. But as you were lifting them towards your head you might have seen what colour they were. Yes, possibly. Did I mention they were wrapped? Oh. Eh? They were wrapped? Oh. Eh?

So... They were wrapped. Right. He's doing, like, a wrapping pun. No, I'm not doing a wrapping pun, but it could be a Dr. Dre. Anyway, no, I don't remember. They were just, like, headphones. All right.

They didn't have a distinctive hue. OK. OK, so, um, I've never had a pair of wireless headphones before. No. And it was quite exciting and Dr. Dre kindly puts a bit in the box all about how they work and about how we can listen like the musicians listen

we'll now hear beats and sob rhythms that we don't often pick up on normal headphones that stuff's all missing from my life. Yeah. So far on them I've listened to Test Match Special and Garrison Keillor's The

Writer's Almanac. Lovely. Oh and Doctor Who Podshock. But we're not going to mention Doctor Who on the show anymore. That's a New Year's resolution. So I don't know if I'm getting the full... Beats. The benefit.

Yeah. It sounds like you've listened to no beats on your beats. No, and I'm not on any of these Gardner's Question Time. Yeah, but I mean, they're lovely. And I love not having the wire. Uh-huh. That's great. Because it often gets caught a bit on my buttons.

I do. I prefer that. When I was working for the police, I found it a nightmare. Yeah. I was an informer, yeah. You've gone a bit G, Frank, and I like it. A bit G? Yeah.

Well, you know, me and Dre go back. I saw Dre supporting Eminem at Brixton Academy many years ago. When he was a junior doctor, wasn't he? Before he qualified. He was a locum. Yeah, and he was very fine. You know, for a man shouting.

But now here I am listening to Test Match Special on his specially designed headphones. I love it. Who'd have seen that coming when i was at the brixton academy oh skinner dean and cochran together the frank skinner show

absolute radio we've got some news about my future husband. Oh, yeah? Kim Jong-un. Ah, yes. Have you made any moves on that yet? I'm working on it. Leave it with me. I think he's a man who might need to be approached. He wears a baggy trouser.

That's something I've noticed. I think we might have a volatile relationship. He wears a really baggy trouser. That's something I've noticed. I think we might have a volatile relationship. He wears a really baggy trouser. Does he? You'll get on better than him and the uncle. The uncle? Yeah. Also, he's been...

Mon oncle. That's what he calls him. Mon oncle. He's a bit of a... Isn't that one of my... That's when I decided to learn French. Sorry, I watched the... You know Monsieur Hulot?

I do. Jacques Tati. He liked a game of tennis, I recall. And he did a film called... Well, my uncle, but in French it's mon oncle. And I thought, that's brilliant. Mon oncle. It's just...

It's not... Your voice... Your sort of mouth never quite releases anything. It just goes, mon oncle. It could say it underwater. And the brilliant thing is, Mon oncle looks like, say if Monocle had been in a five-car pile-up

and it got a bit knocked about. Is it a pun on Monocle? I don't think. No, it's their language. The person who invented the French language said, why don't we make Monocle a pun on Monocle? I love that. That's the title of the film.

You know the person who invented the French language? Yeah. Asterix. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Or did Asterix just do the punctuation? I don't know.

He was my least favourite of the characters. Was he? Yeah. In Asterix, the Gauling was your least favourite? I felt he was a bit broadly drawn. That's like Biffo the Bee. He used to be the least popular character in the Bino, even though he's on the front cover. Yeah, shouldn't like him.

Also the softie, I like the potions. So Kim Jong-un is 31. Toy boy. Lovely. Which we recently found out, haven't we? We didn't know his exact birthday or age. Although when he appeared at the event that Dennis Rodman was at, the crowd

sang, We Hope You Live for a Thousand Years. I believe it was 10,000. Was it 10,000? Yes. Really? Way to go. It's going up. Yes, did you see that, the exhibition basketball match? Yeah.

Well... I saw Dennis Rodman sing Happy Birthday to Kim Jong-un. How did you find it? I found it weird. I found it a bit like Freddy Krueger. What's wrong with his voice? It was like he smoked 80 cap sands a day. Happy birthday! Also, is he the only person in the Western world

who doesn't know the tune to Happy Birthday? I mean, it's a it's a popular tune that you hear a lot it was sort of he did a sort of jazz version i think he was trying to encourage a little rap style happy birthday was he yeah well i wondered what he was going to say was he going to call him kim it's a bit and then he said dear marshal because they call him the marshal oh do they yeah i, I sang Happy Birthday last week. I went to a party and I did that thing, even though it was my friend Claire,

who I've known for nearly 20 years. When everyone went, Happy Birthday to Claire, I sort of went to and then let them do Claire and then I loudly went, Oh, Claire, yeah. It's a little thing I do. I pretend I don't know the name of the person

and I was wondering if Rodders was going to do the same, you know, Dennis Rodman, Rodders. Yeah. I thought he might do, Kim Jong-un, I know you. One he should have sung. He should have sang Kim Jong-un to the tune of Gary Glitter's Rock and Roll.

It works perfectly. Kim Jong-un! Whey! Kim Jong-un! Kim Jong-un! Whey! But he probably thought there was a stigma attached to that tune. Inappropriate.

I still don't think Kim Jong-un's worried about stigmas. I really don't. Stigma-ter he's very worried about, apparently. Weirdly. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

We were talking about Kim Jong-un. We were. And Rodgers. Will his son be called Kim Jong-do? We haven't decided yet. And then him, Kim Jong-twa. We'll keep you posted. There's a French theme running through the show, even in North Korea.

Even in North Korea. I liked it when they said, yes, the North Koreans won. Oh, really? What a surprise. Yeah, and basketball. Aren't they all about 5 foot 2, the North Koreans? Funny that they managed to win. Yeah, that's like when Idi Armin was undisputed

heavyweight champion of Uganda. And Armin undisputed. One of the players, did you see the back of his shirt? He was called Assassin. No, no. Yes, which I thought was rather unfortunate. Oh, dear. Yeah.

I did not see that. Not a statement you want to be making in North Korea. I've got a soft spot for the North Koreans. You do? They're one of the few people, you know, who's carrying on their lovely parades and stuff. The lovely parades. Dying out now in Eastern Europe.

We've still got the Red Arrows. Aren't they similar? It's not like they're marking the big tanks and the missiles going past. They're men in overcoats. Do they favour a Mandarin collar? Who, the Chinese? No, the North Koreans.

I think they have a North Korean collar. Oh, it's slightly different. I think they just go for a sturdy overcoat. Yes, they do, don't they? Did you see this chap, Simon Cockrell? What? I know. He's a Chinese tour guide.

Okay. And he referred to it as a bizarre and unusual occasion. What, Dennis, Dennis, happy birthday. I think he only should have done a bit more apt if he'd have done the Boss Cox Ever Fallen In Love With Someone You Shouldn't Have Fallen In Love With. Because he's getting quite a lot of stick now, isn't he, United States Denny's,

for being big mates with Kim Jong? He went slightly postal, didn't he, at some point, because he was criticised for the relationship. He did an interview where he basically said that the guy who's been sentenced to 15 years hard labour in North Korea it was his own fault he brought it on himself

and then Dennis Rodman's PR the next day said no no no he'd had a very stressful day and had been drinking and I was thinking well that's a great excuse I could use that about 300 days of the year if I wanted very stressful day try UK rail travel and having kids. I'm opening wine at five past seven every night. Five past seven every morning, I think it's that.

And may I say, it was rather nice. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, we've had an email in from a text, actually, from Nugget, who's one of our regulars. He is. Nugget says, good morning, Mr Radio. Given you, Miss Emily, and the cockerel form something of a brain's trust,

can you tell me... I love that. Thanks, Nugget. I think I represent the trust part of that. You guys, perhaps the brains. Perhaps the brains? What am I? The Debbie McGee figure? I need a brain's tross. Because my head is starting to get a bit misshapen by the brain trying to break through the cranium. Because you're constantly feeding the machine, yeah? Yeah, see?

Just stop reading. Just, you know, sausage meat's going in, sausage's got to come out. Hater's got to hate. Thanks, Conf thanks confucius player's gonna play yeah yeah can you tell me what a petard is by which people sometimes hang themselves or hoist themselves before you exclaim google it i can't we're trying to stop them yeah need your Googling and encourage people to think. A petard, I believe, and I'm prepared to be shot down, was an explosive device. I'm going to call it a bomb in Elizabethan times. And to be hoist by your own petard is to be blown up by your own bomb.

Oh, really? So if I tried to pull some sort of stroke on you and I ended up looking bad, I'd be blown up by my own bomb. Do you get it? Yeah, I get it. I've misunderstood that for years. I thought it was a certain sword that they fell on by accident. Well, if I'm wrong now, am I going to look pretty stupid?

And what are you going to be hoisted by? Me? Frank, I had a little... When you were doing that, I loved it, because I suddenly had an image of you hosting a history programme. A sort of Man of the People, Simon Sharma. People's History. Yeah, People's History with Frank Skinner.

It's a very weird coincidence, you should say that, but I can't go any further with this conversation. No. I'm not on air. Good heavens. weird coincidence you should say that but i can't go any further at this conversation no good heavens that was frank's uh happy birthday rendition to kim jong-un happy birthday um yeah okay i think we better go to you know adverts and you're right with that guy yeah okay let's do, adverts and that. Oh, OK. You all right with that, guys? Yeah.

OK, let's do it. Adverts. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8-12-15. Tweet us on at Frank on the radio or email us to the Absolute Radio website. That's your choices. Make them. To those people that might get in touch,

we've got some resolution. We said, hoisted on your own petard, you said it was what you said it was. A bomb. And now... Elizabethan bomb. Oh, no. Here we have Howard Thomas has emailed,

a petard was a medieval siege mortar, pretty much what you said. Oh, well done, Frank. It had a wooden scaffold to lower the projectile into its barrel. If there was a sally from the besieged castle, they would hang the gun crew from this scaffold, hence hoisted by your own petard. There you go.

You see, I think the hoisting is being raised up by the explosion. Oh, do you? We can keep chewing this over. That's today's text, isn't it? On commercial radio. Alan, I can't get text, isn't it? On commercial radio. Alan, I can't get text, so you're responsible for the text. Well, just do. It's broken down again.

I'm sick of the cheapness of this. Just do. Come on. I mean, come on! That's my response, is just do. Well, we'll sashay towards email corner, I think. Okay. Sashay distel.

Yeah. When drugs keep falling on my head... I think okay sashay distil yeah when drugs keep falling on my head this is going to take us to a slightly old school email that we

received before Christmas but we didn't get to cover it because Frank was ill sorry I forgot this there we go

we'll just yeah sorry I forgot you were in absentia weren't you in the show before Christmas, and we just did all our emails.

In case you're wondering, that's a gay club in South London. What a night we had. Hi, Frank and Co. I could have danced. We got this email before Christmas, but I'm curious about the outcome, so we're covering it now. Christmas couldn't come early enough in our house not for the usual reasons

but because a rather whiffy dilemma has landed upon me. The eight gallons of shower gel that was presented to me last Christmas day is about to run dry. I have watered down the last bottle to the point where it's almost drinkable. I estimate that I have just one more wash is worth remaining.

So the question is not whether I buy some more, brackets, unthinkable, but do I have my last wash now or wait until Christmas Eve? Any help would be appreciated. Well, there's an interesting point here, because I think, I don't think, I buy deodorant, but I don't buy shower things and stuff because people buy it for you. They gift you. And you don't want to buy it just

before Christmas and then get a load of free stuff from people. I'm the same with socks. I mean, imagine if I'd been out and bought some Beats by Dr. Dre and then I'd have another. Is there not a specific scent that you feel attached to? No. I got another. Is there not a specific scent that you feel attached to? No. Oh, okay.

In fact, I'll go this far. I, um, I not so long ago. Please don't. Not so long ago, I, um, I went, please don't send a shiver through my body, I'll tell you why in a minute. Just remind me of a terrible conversation. No, I'll tell you on air. What do I care?

Of course he will. Um, yeah, I, um, on here. What do I care? Of course he will. Yeah, I ran out of both soap and shower gel. And I actually used, you know those sort of fizz bombs you put in the bath? Oh, yeah. I showered with one of those. You didn't. That was like showering with an Alka-Seltzer. Yeah, it is. It had an element of, it reminded me of moon dust.

Do you remember that stuff? You used to get in, it was like a suite but it exploded in your bed oh yeah sometimes about the prohibition era now you could be hoisted by your own sure bear um and yeah it wasn't terribly successful oh dear also i'll tell you when i was a kid can i ask you this question or maybe i should come back to uh please don't please don't i'll tell you, when I was a kid... Can I ask you this question? Please do. Or maybe I should come back to... Please don't. Please don't. I'll tell you what happened.

We've bookmarked it, so come on. I'll tell it you now. I went to the opening night of The Sound of Music. Do you remember when it was that girl that won the first one of those talent shows? Connie. Yes, I do remember. The redhead.

Yeah. And I went along to the show and afterwards i was talking to andrew lloyd webber who produced the whole damn thing and i said there's one thing there's one thing uh can i just say one thing about the show and he said please don't it was terrible you know because it was going to be and it was actually just about the the um the bows at the end and i thought that the music came in too quick, didn't give her a chance to get her full applause. It wasn't a criticism of the show, but...

ALW went, please don't. But the way he said it, please don't. I mean, you can imagine, when he sneers, you can imagine what that's like. Yeah. Ooh, it just seemed to show that. Do you think he'd had bad feedback and he was sort of saying, I've had enough?

Or do you think he'd had bad feedback and he was sort of saying, I've had enough. Or do you think he'd had universally positive feedback and he was thinking, even your positive feedback... I think he was probably thinking, I don't want people like you trying to tell me about a successful theatre show. Yeah, but Frank, it's like someone coming up to you after a gig. You would say similar, I feel. Yeah. Can I just say, imagine if I just said when I came, can I just say one thing? I'd say, please don't. Yeah.

You know, I know what you mean. Yes, okay. And we get email jokes here. Nevertheless. Please don't. Yeah. May you live 10,000 years. Thank you so much.

I certainly feel like it. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We were talking about the man who was running out of shower gel. Yeah. Not something that will ever happen to me. I'd like to know what he did. Well, can I ask a question? When I was at school, we used to regularly,

if you didn't have time to wash your hair in the morning, we used to rub talcum powder into our hair and then sort of swish it out again. Oh, yeah. And it takes all the grease off your hair. I thought that was a thing women did. I didn't realise men did it in history. In history? What do you think he was, Sir Walter Raleigh?

Yes, I'm not talking about a powdered periweed. I'm talking about using... No, it's one of those things, you know, when you think, did I make that up, did that really happen? Do people still do that? Yes. I thought ladies do. We do. What we have...

Do you still do it? Yes, I use something called dry shampoo. Shut up. No, but that's different. I'm on about talc. The other option is sometimes... The basis of it is talc, really. And we also used to do that thing about conditioner you'd use that as a sort of gel oh really so you'd condition on your hair and just leave it

oh the punks would put soap on their hair wouldn't they for the spikes well i used to that's how i wash my hair i would basically wash my face with soap and then just keep going and do the hair with soap as well lovely keith of course used 1001 carpet cleaner on his hair, as I've said before. Absolutely true. How many guineas did it cost? And he did it because he read that somebody from the Pretty Things, Peter May or something like that,

Peter May, I think, was a test-mask cricketer. Frank, what was the ad campaign for 1001 Carpet Cleaning? It was 1001 Cleans a big, big carpet for less than half a crown. People think, oh, that's the advert to make a couple of... Oh, no, it isn't. Fell for that completely.

Don't women sometimes just wash their fringe if they're in a rush and they can't be bothered to do the whole thing? Yes, they do. Or put a fake fringe in, or you can buy fake fringes yeah have you not seen them no i've never seen a fake fringe fake fringes are great but um how does that work um it's fake that was a very good um that was a very good bot um that you did frank frames is great, but it's like old comedians do it. How dare you? I said I could, but I'll have to walk a bit differently.

I don't know where I could be picking up these inflections from. No? Infections? Inflections. Oh, sorry. That sounds like, I don't know where I'm picking up these inflections from, but... So, yes. so that was clean. Actually, there's a cleaning news story.

Oh, yes, yes. Did you read about Shire? Shire? Yes. Yes, I have. I love a bit of Tolkien. The Shire horse that Frank bought recently. Suffolk Punch.

But, no, Shia LaBeouf. Yes. So he's a confused character, Shia LaBeouf, isn't he? He's confused. Can I make one confession before we go any further with the Shia? Go on. I was absolutely convinced to the point where I would have put money on the fact that Shia or Shia LaBeouf was a black female singer.

Now where have I got that from? Absolutely. Well you'd heard the name but you'd never cut eyes on him. But it wasn't I thought, I knew, I just knew that Shia LaBeouf was a black female singer. I could picture her. Slightly blonde hair, you know sometimes black singers they do the slightly blonde hair.

Oh yeah. I mean golden. You're getting confused with Patti LaBelle. Is that what it is? Yes, I think you are. Just because you've got a lurk. So I saw this story and I thought, I started reading it, and then I thought, well, hold on a minute. He?

I'm so confused. Handsome man. Is he? Shire, yeah. Oh, I saw the picture of him. Although he is quite troubled. Stinks. Apparently he's boycotting showering.

Yes. Well, yeah, but it's for a movie. He's doing it for a film. Are you sure? I heard it's just that his Christmas shampoo's running out. And he's just going to leave it and see if he can eke it out. Frank says he stinks. I'm saying he Kim Jongs.

Pongs. Yeah. I like that. I'm thinking Unz. He Unz. As in getting towards Homs, I was trying. I'm thinking oons. Eating oons. Getting towards homes, I was trying. I was trying to find something in there. I took the wrong door.

You did. I took the wrong pond door. I went into Pondora's box of perfumes. Shall we do the adverts and come back to this? Yes, let's. I think we should. I feel I need some sort of dry shower Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So we're talking about Shire Shire LaBeur Shire LaBeur Which is French for a cow who's unwilling to the slaughter Oh I don't know if it is. I just thought I'd have a go at some French.

I like that the French call us roast beefs. Oh, do you? Yeah. That's good, that, I think. I like a bit of anti-cuisine abuse. So, he's doing this Second World War drama.

That's when he started Kim Jong-un. I bet that was a mistake. Well, this year, everything is First World War. Oh, yeah. It's a massive anniversary of First World War. He's got the wrong war. I bet the Americans are saying, let's cash in on this anniversary,

and they'll get to actually watching some of the early cuts of the film, and they'd say, you know what? Did we get the right war? This is like when they bought the wrong bridge. Yeah. Marvin, did we get the right war? And then they'll have to start changing some bits,

take Hitler out and put the Kaiser in and stuff like that after some reshooting. It's going to be a nightmare. He got so into character he pulled his own tooth out. Did you read that? Yeah. He pulled a tooth out. He didn't shower for two weeks.

Apparently the smell was so bad he had to move hotels. Well, they said that he wanted to get into character for sort of somebody living in the trenches. In the trenches, yeah. Again, they're thinking World War I. Living in the trenches, and so he moved to a B&B. It's not what I would call exactly method acting. I suppose if you're a big Hollywood actor, you think, well, I'm going to a B&B.

Couldn't have been any worse than that, surely. I mean, I've been in some bad B&Bs in my time. I'm not sure that I've come out of them with... Mrs Baker in Southend. Is that an actual one? It is, yes. I shouldn't have named it, actually. Whoops.

Looking back, it was lovely. Oh, very good. What do you make of these people, these method ones, though? I don't like these method actors. They take it to... You know, my absolute bête noire is... And I use that phrase advisedly because it is David Suchet, it's Poirot,

who goes to the catering truck, big gun buddy, please. He doesn't even speak actual French. He talks in a French accent, apparently, throughout filming. Really brilliant. I don't mind it, really. Because actors, they need something, don't they? Work, mainly. No, but they need a gimmick.

Because with one or two exceptions um most actors don't have anything to say at all so it's quite good to have a bit of a i told you i did a radio show recently i won't i won't name it but the host has said he completely banned he or she said that he'd completely banned actors because they have nothing to say at all yeah which i think is i say it's a slight generalization but i know what he means so if you're if you're a bit wacky with your method at least it's slightly interesting like yanking a tooth out you know you think an actor's interview and they say yeah and what the thing is and they start talking about their characters as if it was a real person. Yeah. Oh, damn. Yeah.

Sorry, I mean, present company accepted, Alan. I think, um... Oh, that doesn't hurt, does it? No, it's fine. I put seven years of my childhood into that. I wasn't very method. Yeah, but you saw the light. Yeah. Or did the light see me? I walked away from it.

I think he just brought, um brought American mores across to here. He's obviously thought, I need this tooth out, but it's going to be expensive. And he's thought, I'll just pull it out myself. Well, I used to do that thing of tying cotton to my tooth and then tying it to the door handle and slamming the door. I must have done three or four teeth like that. Works. Yeah? Do you think that's what he did? Yeah, it's like people used to put down their own pets because you don't want to pay someone to do what is essentially a straightforward... We've just

paid 200 quid to get the dog's teeth brushed. You are joking. I'd have done that. That's the most glamorous anecdote you've ever told on this show. I'd have done that for 40 quid. All right, well, next time they get a bit placky I'll book you in, yeah? I'll tell you something, you'd be able to eat off that dog's teeth. You honestly paid 200 quid to get the dog's teeth brushed? I think it was more than 200. Was it? I mean, I can text my wife and find out the exact financial penalty. I'll tell you what, dog dentists, there's money in that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's keeping them in the chair, though. I think it's a vet that does it rather than a dentist. It's very hard to keep them in the chair. No, I don't want to be a vet. I want to be a dog dentist. What about the breath coming up off her?

Oh, God. They don't like a dental floss, either. No, she doesn't floss. Oh. No. I can. No, she doesn't floss. Oh. No, I can report that. She doesn't floss. She just doesn't like the feeling. Oh, okay.

She's like me. Did she get them whitened? I'll put you in touch with someone. That would be even better. The thing is, they don't need to get them whitened, because why dogs' teeth always look so good is because they've got purple gums. If our gums were dark i'll bear

that in mind no but my brother used to use a gordon moore's toothpaste which is toothpaste that makes your gums go dark red so that your teeth look white oh yeah i must take tips from the person who used carpet cleaner on his hair this is my other brother this is our terry what a family the frank Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Can I just say, just to wrap up the Shire LaBeouf story, he's now, as a direct result of all this controversy, he's retiring from public life, he announced last night.

Oh, no. Not to do with the pen and inking it's to do with him he made a film when he apparently he was accused of plagiarising yeah he's been quite often accused of plagiarising and then he made an apology what was that actor? yeah he writes columns and articles

and just lifts from the circular oh does he? yeah and he does a thing when people accuse him of plagiarising He writes columns and articles and just lifts from the circular. Oh, does he? Yeah. And he does a thing when people accuse him of plagiarising, of sort of quoting back things that they've said in previous interviews. Yes. He'd be a terrible person to be in a relationship with, I think, because he'd be like, well, you said three years ago. But I love that duet that he did with Mary J. Blige.

Yeah. I love that duet that he did with Mary J. Blige. Yeah? He said last night, in the light of the recent attacks against my artistic integrity, I'm retiring from all public life. To a B&B? I like all public life. He's a character. I wish I'd discovered him earlier, actually,

but now he's gone. I know. He'll be back. I don't think it's forever. No. I think he'll find that he has to tweet at some point. Do you think? He says, my love goes out to those who have supported me.

See, he should have left it. My love went out years ago. At, I'm retiring from all public life. They can't leave it alone, can they? No. Why don't they just leave? Stop announcing you're leaving Twitter or you're retiring. Just go.

Okay. That's what Twitter's for now. You're right. For people to announce that they've finished on Twitter. Now who's dragging it out? Can I say, I've recently returned to Weetabix. Oh. What, as a form of communication?

Yes. I find that if I cover and expose them for various periods of time, I can do Weetabix Morse. Really? No. I've started eating them for breakfast. It's radical, I know. I hadn't really... What, with whole-grain milk?

I haven't regularly. With... No, I do. I take a skimmed. Are you semi? Oh, no. And also, I've got a bit of a tight-fistedness. I always think, I don't want to put too much...

How little milk can you get away with a wheater mix? And sometimes there'll be dry, flaky ends to them. You don't want that. But two was always completely sufficient for me. It used to be a challenge, didn't it? Can you eat three? Yeah, eat both of them. No, no, no.

That was shredded wheat. Oh, yeah. it? Can you eat three? Yeah, eat both of them. No, no, no. Is that in both of them? Oh, yeah. Yeah. No one could eat three of those. I think both of them used to. But you know, if you're paid. But, yeah, so now I'm having three. Now, I don't think I've got any greedier over that, whatever it was,

seven or eight year period since the last time I regularly dined on Weetabix. I'm wondering if it's possible Weetabix could have got smaller. Yeah. Now, there is a way I could test this if I had an action man because I remember at one stage having an action man as a sort of Moses and I got him to hold two Weetabix as if they were the Ten Commandments tablets. Now, I don't have an Action Man anymore, but if I did that and they were noticeably smaller...

Is that what children did with their toys in religious families? Yes. Yes, we recreated many biblical scenes with Action Man. We recreated many biblical scenes with Action Man. But now I suspect if he held two of the contemporary Weetabix, it just looked like he couldn't decide which iPhone to go for. But I would like, if there's anyone who works for, who makes Weetabix? There's probably Nestle in it, or the other one.

Oh, one of the bad ones, yeah. Oh! Can I say that? I think they're all brilliant. But I'd like to know if they have got smaller. And I think I've got a right to know. I pay for them, you know what I mean? I'm a taxpayer. OK, anyway, we can talk about this all day, and I threaten you now, we may.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think we've been bombarded with communications regarding... What, have we been hoisted by our own petard? Regarding Weetabix. Oh, yes. Are they smaller? Well... And who makes them?

Well, I'll tell you who makes them. According to... Can I say before you say it? Yes. Because the name Nabisco came to me. Did it? Has anyone said Nabisco came to me. Did it? Has anyone said Nabisco? Well, save that for your autobiography.

OK. As a title. Yes. Bit confusing, wasn't it? That was in the Hilton Intercontinental, wasn't it? Clivus says, no, Weetabix are made by Weetabix. They are not the brand we mentioned earlier, or General Mills. They have remained independent.

Oh, really? I also like 411, who texted, Weetabix make Weetabix. We asked this question before and had to look on box. I just like... Is that from the north? The literal north. Did it say on't box?

We had to look on box. There it was. Jamie says, voice of controversy here, I crumble Weetabix prior to adding the milk. What? I can do four this way. What? Mm. Yeah, but do you want to do four? I want to do less.

I want them to last longer. Mm. Well, if you think four's a lot, Alan, we have someone here. I found this extraordinary. 715. Morning team, I'm not boasting. Well, I am. In my youth as a competitive swimmer after the morning training session, which could

be up to six miles in length, I would gobble, wait for this Frank, 14 Weetabix before school. Not two plates of seven as you may think. Always a plate of eight, then a plate of six. That is all. That's Gregor and Lewisham.

I hope he means with milk. That must have been quite a deep plate. I reckon it was a dinner plate size, but with a bit of depth to it. See, what he should have done, he should have got a box. You know you get the big box and then the slimmer box? Yes, the holiday box. Like people who couldn't afford ten cigarettes, they just have to get five in my youth and now it's ten-twenty. But he should have got the holiday box. Like people who couldn't afford ten cigarettes just have to get five in my youth

and now it's ten twenty. But you should have got the big box so you've got the columns and then you should have done it clockwise like at the swimming pool and eaten them that way around. But you see, I don't find that hard to believe. As you know, I've spent a lot of time

with the world's strongest men out in Malta yes and that would be that's that's elevens is for them these people you like to take uh your socializing between the two ends of the calorie intake pendulum don't the fashion intake the world's strongest man that's uh 20 boiled eggs pardon? yeah wow that's a lot but I do think they might be shrinking and the other day my mate Dean was saying that he thought Twix is a shrinking and then I mentioned that to my wife and she went they are shrinking

and now I'm thinking you're mentioning Weetabix is shrinking I think just people's worries are shrinking I think that's what's getting smaller is the things that are occupying people. Okay. The worries about Weetabix is in twixes. You know what I'm calling that?

Isn't this a luxury? I'm calling that a rant. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Quite a few people texting saying, what about wagon wheels?

What about them? Shrinking. Yeah, I think that's... I don't know if they were upfront about it. I don't know, but I'm worrying it's going down a what about Spangles route. Tomatoes. I don't know when tomatoes were all big. But I think I'm thinking it's getting smaller.

Yeah, no, of course. Cherry tomatoes, they're new, aren't they? That's true. Tell you what I find smaller these days. Headphones. No. Putty for loo. Bless you.

Now, I know I'm older, but I find it used to be... You know the little putty for loo? No. You have children. You should have them. Oh, the little yoghurts. The mini yoghurts. Oh.

They come in eight packs, bottled like those. Yes. But I have no previous children should have them. Oh, the little yoghurts. The mini yoghurts. Oh. They come in eight packs, bottled like those. Yes. But I have no previous children to compare them to. Oh, no, I eat them myself. I love them. We need to go to,

back to email corner briefly, Frank. Okay. So this is... Shall I? Go on, why not? I tell you what, what about if I just do a different one? What about this?

Of course you don't get what he's saying now, going home and going down to Rock Island Land. She said, but I fooled you, I fooled you, I got Pigan, I got Pigan, I got all Pigan. He said, tell you what, I'm gone, Mark. Welcome to your mouth corner. I love that. That was like running into an ex and remembering how much I liked him. Andrew says, I was looking at a baby sham glass today. Yes, I am from the 70s.

And I wondered what a sham was. Some type of animal, perhaps. Then it struck me, it's short for champagne. 50 years on this planet and I just worked it out. It felt good, though. Yes. I remember Baby Sham because my grandmother would give it to us. Does it?

At 12. I think it had a comeback. Didn't it have a comeback? Yes, it did. And what they did was get a bit of a cool dude in the ad. He was like a bouncer outside a club. And the tagline was, hey, I'll have a Baby Sham. Yeah. Yes, I remember it now. Great reenactment. he was like a bouncer outside a club and the tagline was hey i'll have a baby shame yeah

yes i remember it now great it was i remember the original advert as well that went the fabulous champagne perry i don't remember that so it's a champagne perry ie made with pears oh oh is that right as i say i only used to drink it when I was about 12, so I don't know. Not used to, no. Of course, Samuel Johnson was known as the great sham of literature, and she might have got a bit confused with that. What was he called? That's what Tobias Smollett called him. That was sham because sham was a form of the word khan,

and the great mighty eastern despots of the Karns. What's happened? Are you talking about James? I haven't understood anything you said since Baby Sham, I don't think. Okay, well here's something you'll understand. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the Absolute Radio website direct. We have had a text in. It's not the sort of one that I would normally read out. We were talking about what was shrinking. It's extremely weak to things.

No, it's not. OK. That would be a career-ending mistake, wouldn't it? Especially, he just told us we just sat and let it happen. All ended when he read out an extremely... I'm not going to do that. No, we were saying what's got smaller, and 278 has texted you what I would call banter.

Something else that's got smaller over the years is WBA crowds. West Bromwich Albion, that's what people do, innit? They sort of trash each other's... Yeah, no laugh from you. Nothing. No, you never get an offer from Frank. We regularly get more people than we got in the championships. See, this is what happens.

That's what I thought might happen. Immediately gets upset. I thought I'd read out the banter text and see if it... He would class that as extremely upsetting. Yeah. It's not a tune, though, thankfully. It's an Ockney Captain's Lion, though. Oh, he's back.

He's looking for that big white one. Frank, Keeley Smith says... Keeley Smith? Weetabix are made at the factory in Burton Latimer near Kettering, Northampton, so one mile from where I live. The smell from the factory when the wind blows in the right direction is just

like when you put hot milk on them. And lots of local farms proudly display boards saying they grow wheat for them. I quite like that. There is a cornabix in there, isn't there? A what? A otabix. Is it otabix? Yeah, otabix. The ducks

love that. I don't like, yeah. Apparently so. Oh, man, they love the Otabix. Isn't that a bit... Otabix, they call them. Oh, do they? Isn't that a little bit Dixie Fried Chicken or something? Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. No? Yeah, I know what I mean. Well, it's not really... Yeah, thank you. No, but I think it's made by the same people. Oh, all right, okay. Anyway...

I could be wrong. I, er... I wore a sweater last week on this show. I wore a tulip, a bright yellow tulip, and you wore a red, red rose. Did I miss an email? Should I have known that that was going to happen? Are we all meant to join in now?

Sorry, I've turned the wrong... I've turned two pages. Sorry, Phil. I wore a sweater on this show last week that I had got. I'd taken delivery of it before I left the day before, so I wore it last Friday, wore it Saturday. You buy your sweaters on Amazon? I buy my sweaters online, yeah.

Makes a change from the secret boob tube you normally favour. Yes. And I then wore it at some point every day for the whole week, every single... Is that fine? Is that fine? Yeah, well, that's what I did with mine. Because it's new, I think I'm a bit in love with it.

I think, although you poo-pooed my suggestion, that you might as well get your money's worth out of a new piece of knitwear because it's never the same again once it's been washed. Once they bobble. That could be what it is. You seem to be following the same rule. That could be exactly what it is. Can I say my Christmas jumper, which I also love, has been washed this week. Not the same?

Verdict? How's it bearing up? It feels like wearing a Subbuteo pitch. There's no give in it at all. No give. No spring. Well, the toughness of the cheap wool, if you'll forgive me for being direct about that. I don't think it was cheap. Can you think of cheap wool? Yes, you can. Very cheap.

I'll talk to you about it afterwards. I haven't got time now. It doesn't grow on trees, does it? It grows on sheep. That's how they get it. You do. That didn't mean anything. Carry on. But what surprised me is even towards the end of the week I'm still producing belly button fluff that's got the same fabric of the jumper.

And you're wearing a t-shirt underneath, are you? On the one at home, yeah. But you wear a t-shirt underneath? Yeah, yeah, or a shirt. Sometimes I favour a denim shirt, as you know. Can I tell you something? You're getting a delayed residue. It's a squalid topic, I don't want to expand, but... Is belly button fluff that squalid?. But, um... I haven't had

belly button fluff since I was 14. I haven't not had belly button fluff since I was 14. I'm like a machine. What is it with me that I don't get it? I don't understand why I'm still getting it. The inside of the jumper's practically smooth now. I do. Shower gel costs money. Whoa.

Ouch. It's a good point though this is frank skinner absolute radio so what other favourite clothing were we talking about oh yeah

well we actually went on a little shop frank last week me and the cockerel it was a bit impromptu hope you don't mind no one told me i wasn't invited well it was a bit impromptu

it was impromptu we I hope you don't mind. No one told me. I wasn't invited. Well, it was a bit impromptu. That's what it's like. It was impromptu. We went to Men's Clothes Browsing last week. We went to, do you know that shop, the Liam Gallagher shop? Pretty Green. Yes. Oh, yeah, I've shopped there myself many times. We went in there.

What I like about the Liam Gallagher shop is that... I like that we call it the Liam Gallagher shop. The mannequins that have the clothing on have got their hands behind their back and slightly cracked yes and it's like um that's a nice nice touch well i said in a very loud voice didn't i when i walked in because there's a huge picture of liam and alan's going oh it looks good yeah it looks good i said well they don't you did i said i'm really loud i said yes well these people can party and they don't have to get up early the next morning. A man who looked like Paul Weller, he gave me a bit of a dirty look.

But what I noticed about Alan... Are there people in there that don't look like Paul Weller? What I noticed is I'm a great sleeve puller. So browsing, I'm just never happier than when I'm browsing or sleeve pulling. Really? Alan, on the other hand, he's very practical and he has a very male approach, as you'd imagine to this. So what he does is I say, that's nice, that could work, which is how I talk about fashion.

And he went, I don't actually need a court at the moment. I said, Jim, I'm not, I'm looking at, can't you just look at it? It's the idea of need rather than want, I think, that's going to throw you. I found it was strange. We had a very different approach to it. Well, you just thought, what is the point? I said, this is a nice jumper. You went, yeah, but I've got one like that. Well, I have just three jumpers, yeah.

So I've got an abundance of jumpers at the moment. What's the collective noun for jumpers? That's today's text in, everyone. We've moved on from hoisting on the petard to collective nouns. I'm going to get a bobble of jumpers. A bobble? Nice. Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah. It's good. Yeah, I just don't need a... What was it, a jacket or a jumper? It was everything you didn't need. No, I would have bought something if it had lit my taper, as it were. Okay. I was...

Flooded my boat. When I moved house, I had cause to throw some clothes out. And I found... You got the cause to throw your clothes out? Well, what else did I do? And I... What I did is I got some suits

and I thought, you know what? I like the jacket on this suit now. I've gone off the trousers. Because the trousers are a bit wide and the jacket's still fine. So it was that, like... Did you keep the jacket? You know when social services separate brothers and sisters? It's exactly like that.

I felt like that. It's something very awful about putting the trousers in the bin liner and keeping the jacket. Well, you can always do Richard Hammond with the jacket. Do the suit jacket with the pale jean. With the... Afraid jean. Yeah, with the faded boot cut jeans.

Dragging on the floor. Oh! And the shirt outside the trousers. And cowboy boots. Floral QI shirt outside the trouser. Yeah, I could do that. But if the options between that and jumping into a blast furnace i also um i threw quite a lot of shoes out did you find because i tear i have a distinct i i buy

shoes or someone gives me shoes and they hurt me oh yeah but I don't get rid of them or do anything about them. Strangest remark you've ever made. I just, why? Well, you were saying this morning, Frank looked at his shoes and he suddenly had a moment of doubt with his shoes, didn't he? I did, oh, yeah. He said, these are horrible, these shoes. Well, they are shoes that look a bit like I've got them on prescription.

Yeah, they look a bit Cornish pasty. Yeah, and I'm not sure about that. But I got rid, I really bit the bullet and chucked a lot of these. And I remember thinking, as I put a pair in the bag, you've hurt me for the last time. I realised how much pent-up rage I had. Because I think I said at the Brighton conference, I have never had a pair of shoes that hurt, that stopped hurting.

You know, people say they're a bit... Oh, I know. If they hurt me, they hurt me forever. Do you know what? It's like relationships. You are so right. And it's worse with slip-ons, isn't it, than laces? Yes. This is Frank Skinner of

Slip Radio. I did say that paying for the dog's teeth brushing cost over £200. I have texted my wife to find out the exact figure but she's reluctant to tell me, which makes me think perhaps there's some small-scale fraud taking place.

How often do they need their teeth doing? Quite a while. Yeah, it's... Well, we've only had the dog a few years, so you know, just let it build up and I think they have to get pulled out.

There's not a man coming round every night and every morning. No, no. Oh, yeah. That vet guy, he's really keen, isn't he? Yeah, he's rich. He's in his car. But, news just in, if I wasn't sure, I could just ask the dog in a few months' time,

because they reckon we're four months away from a dog-to-English translation becoming a reality. I've always wanted that. That's what they reckon. Four months. Haven't you always wanted that? I, er, it would make my life somewhat easier if the dog could just turn around and go, I need my teeth cleaned.

I think it would have that voice. Well is he gonna talk like Dennis Rodman? Even though it's a whippet, I don't think a whippet's voice is like, there we there. It's probably more like, I think it would be how, actually I think my, I have quite a lot of plaque, I wonder if that could be dealt with. That's exactly how she'd speak.

I'd choose a dog then on the basis of what their voice was like if they could start talking. Yeah. I don't think they're going to start talking. That's not the plan. I don't want to know then. I should just give the story. What will happen?

The Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery is hoping to raise money to do a dog-to-English translation. And it actually says in the article, dog-to-English, even though they're from Sweden, I believe. Dog-to-human. Dog-to-human. It should be dog-to-human, but they put in the article dog-to-English, and it's the Swedish saying, we're so competent in language that even when we get a dog to speak,

we're going to put it in our second or third language. Even our pets are more bilingual than you people. Yes. The English. It's called no more woof. Is it? No more woof. That sounds like someone who's agreed to give up arson.

No more woof. There's scientists, and that's the best name they could come up with. I know, but they're, you know... And also, there will be woof. They'll be woof. It's just that we'll be able to understand what it means. Yeah, but they're...

Well, we won't. They're Nordic. I'm saying we won't. They're not like us. They reckon patterns discovered so far include... I bet they like a jumper. ...through the Nordics. The Nordic scientists.

Oh, yeah. Imagine them. They're actually... In Tarsia. ...adfitting very well with this group of people. Well, you look distinctly Nordic. I do. I've got a Nordic look.

I always wished you were. Hmm. I'd say you have a Slavonic root if i had to well i would yeah if i had to guess so the messages they're going to be able to communicate it's quite basic isn't it it's things like i'm hungry i'll stamp that out of them i won't allow anyone i'm going to teach them to say other things but you know when a dog's hungry don't you yeah i you? I'm going to teach them to stay a moment on their lips a lifetime on their hips. Yeah. They're not going to speak. They're not going to be like minor birds.

They are going to be making exactly the same sounds, is the theory, but we'll be able to know. But you know when a dog's hungry because he barks outside the butchers? Right. You know what I mean? You know when they're happy the tail wags? You know when they're being told off because they you know when they do that thing when they don't meet your eye? Right. They know what I mean? You know when they're happy, the tail wags? You know when they're being told off because they, you know, they do that thing when they don't meet your eye.

Right. They look to one side a bit when you're telling them off. Yeah, totally. So you can speak, dog. You don't even need this. I don't, we have, we have an understanding. You're not the dog whisperer. We used to have a, our night, Mrs. Weston used to come round.

Oh, yeah. Our dog, our dog attacked everyone. When you say our dog, you are referring to the legendary chef. I am. Chef attacked everyone who came to the house. He used to go round and round in a circle urinating. And he used to be trying to bite their shoelaces, if they had shoelaces. Or he'd jump up and down again and just tick the fingertip.

Really? So he did it to everyone. And she used to always say, Ah, he can smell our dog on me. You know people say this. Yeah. They do. And I always used to say, when she said it, I'd repeat it back to her, um, in the style

of a Catholic priest doing a chant. So I would say. Yeah, you did. I did. I would go, he can smell our dog on me. And she was, uh, i don't know if she ever really knew why i did you did any of us know i don't know i just must have been such a strange figure in your street i still occasionally do it when i'm in the house on my own which is quite a lot you know you can smell our dog on me skinner dean and cochran together the frank skinner show absolute radio we were talking about dogs and i do feel we should return to that subject but stop press because ian has just texted in um you were talking about your shoes and how you weren't

altogether happy with them and you felt they looked somewhat prescription, Frank. Ian says, I work for the company who makes shoes available on prescription and I'm sure you would find them very comfortable and attractive. If you let me know your shoe size, I will send you a pair to try out. But don't I have to go to

a doctor? Evidently not. Is this some sort of Dr. Conrad Murray type? Well, I'm a size nine size nine okay ian you've got all the beats okay but i don't want one of those with like the big thick sole oh i do i really want you to have one of those just the one if we're using the radio show to get free shoes can i just say clark's originals or adidas originals size 10 but this is a prescription size nine he's gonna make himself look ugly. I know I'm against asking for Frey stuff.

Yeah, I'm less bothered about that. This is a medical experiment. You are. Medical experiment. We've also had an email. I didn't know you could... I feel a bit like I'm getting prescription drugs from a bloke in a park.

I like that you're making it sound like you're having the first heart transplant operation. Medical experiment. Well, it is, because what if they're really, really, really comfortable? And then after that... You'll never go back. After all, my shoes just feel... Once you've had prescription, you never go back. Is that right?

That's what Elvis told me. We've also heard from Mrs Cockerell, 216! And that's with three exclamation marks. Okay, Mrs Cockerell. 216 quid, I tell you, I'm afraid. That's for the dog's teeth. She hasn't specified if that's plus vat or ink. You know Mrs Cockerell said 216?

Yeah. Well, that's very interesting because Kathleen Miller in North Shields has texted to say it cost me over £600 to get my dog's teeth cleaned. What? Is it Kathleen Miller or is it Dennis the Menace? Is her dog actually Nasher? No, but North Shields as well.

You could get human veneers for that. You know what I mean? It's not like... For your dog? Well, I would. I would insist my dog... My godmother used to paint the cat's nails. We used to always do that. But I would insist... You can get cat manicures and pedicures

You know we had a three-legged cat And my mum put a clothes peg on the stump No To balance it up Hang on, you're telling us this now? How long's this show been on the radio? Well, it's been, you know I've had a long life

It's a bit hard to cover the whole spectrum of it Is that right? Yeah, we had a ginger cat And the stump didn't look like it had been properly finished off. I can go to the other end of the scale, Frank. Can you? Because my godmother... You had a five-legged cat.

Lindsay had a three-legged cat. Oh, yes. And she got Lord Linley to make a wooden bespoke splint for the cat. That is lovely. You had a clothes peg. Wow. Yeah, an actual clothes peg. Clipped onto the... So not only did he have three legs, he had had a clothes peg? Yeah, an actual clothes peg. Clipped onto the...

So not only did he have three legs, he had this tight clothes peg. And of course... On the stump, pinching. Yeah, on the stump. And its footprints were three, like, paws, and then one, like, two-pronged thing from the end of the clothes peg.

It must have been very hygienic. Couldn't it have worked itself off though if it got oh it did come off yeah but you know we weren't that poor that we didn't have a spare clothes peg oh good that's just take one off the line yeah yeah that was ours 600 notes for some old tea i tell you i have to say if i had a dog and it was going to cost 600 quid to have its teeth cleaned... Don't say it, Frank. Please don't. I wouldn't be prepared to pay that. I would not be prepared to pay that.

You can draw your own conclusions as to how I'd approach that problem. OK, so... I don't know where the nearest ice ground is. It'd be on Google Earth. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're going to sashay back towards email corner. But first, a text has just come in, 740,

my dog has no teeth, so I've saved myself a few quid there. Oh, well. Dog dog has no teeth, so I've saved myself a few quid there. Awful. His dog's got no teeth. Saved between £214 and £600, by my estimate. That's... How often... I still don't know how often they get them cleaned. It gives you an insight. Not monthly. About three yearly, I think. Three yearly teeth cleaning.

Why are you talking like a sort of medieval sumner? Three yearly? How else would I say it? It'd be three summers long. Once every three years. That's more words. Thrice yearly. Thrice yearly.

Thrice yearly. You want me to say it thrice yearly? Yes, I do. It wouldn't be, but thrice yearly would be three times a year. Oh, no, you're right. You're correct. Oh. You're correct.

It'd be triannular. Yeah, thank you, Frank. Okay. Triannular. The Brains Trust wins again. Emails. Emily, you said you wanted to date someone from MIT. No, I surely did.

But I think you might have been somewhat hasty. MIT. MIT. You remember the old SRB, sausage in a roll in a box? A box for me, yeah. No. No? I don't remember that.

It was a film, a cinema for me yeah no no it was a film uh cinema advert srb srb a sausage in a roll in a box for me and you used to get a hot dog um described as a sausage in a roll for those who weren't familiar with the colloquial term in a in a wooden tray like Bounty's. You know Bounty's sit on those cardboard trays? Oh, I love those cardboard trays. But you could have MIT, MIT, Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Oh, can I just say, I'm actually going to clap that. I loved it so much.

Very good. It scanned as well. I wasn't expecting it to. Yeah, it scanned. Anyway, can we find out about MIT? You know that both MIT and Harvard are in Cambridge, MA, about 20 minutes' walk from each other. Did you know that? I did not. Imagine that walk, the learning that's been...

MIT kids are famous for being crazy smart but super nerdy. Correct. Harvard students are even smarter and are kids of the rich, powerful and famous. Natalie Portman, Matt Damon and Barack Obama were all at Harvard. Ray Kurzweil, Joseph Stiglitz and Richard Feynman

Google them, were at MIT. Richard Feynman. Frank won't need to Google, he'll know them. Richard Feynman. Does he play the piano? Now this is my theory, that when you hear of something you've never heard, that suddenly you hear of something you've never heard, that suddenly you hear it two or three times.

Richard Feynman was an answer on Pointless yesterday. No way. And I'd never heard of him. He's a sort of super scientist of the modern age. Is he? Yeah. Well, they're all going to be science types. Yeah, I think they might all be. All going to be Faraday types.

Oh, yeah. Frank and Alan can correct me if I'm wrong, but I suspect there's a little twinkle of excitement at the prospect of an entire new continent of celebrity friends. You don't get that with an MIT kid. Weird coincidence, but I happen to find myself at Harvard as a research fellow, so probably about Emily's age, 29. Carry on, everyone. Everyone carry on.

And we'll be back in London over Christmas and New Year. Just saying. Oh, I've missed him, you've missed him. I've missed him, Mark. Come back. Do you think New Year extends to the middle of January? I don't know. No, I'm going to go out of this door. But also, he's saying that MIT kids are a bit dull and that, but I saw Will.i.am interviewed on the telly recently and he said he'd been doing a course at MIT. Wow. So, you know,

don't get much cooler than him. I wonder how Mrs. Am feels about him going back into education. Old Ma Am. She's known. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm a little Am. Yes. Is there a Mrs Am? No. I don't believe there is a Mrs Am. Is he a member of the Am? Is his family now? Is it like Am Fab?

Are they known as Am Fam? Yeah. I think he might be Am Not. He's not, I'm not married. Oh. He's Will Ian Am, that's his full name. Or maybe it's Ignatius. Oh, I'd love it.

William Ignatius Am. Mr Am to see you. Hi, how you doing? Okay. Ree Weetabix, try it with butter doing? Okay. Re-wheatabix. Try it with butter or spread on. Delish. Shot your face.

I may as well just kill myself and have that. Yeah, I'm not eating the... Protein and carbs. Disgraceful. You'd have to put a lot on. I'm not eating the grain. It's going to be so dry, that. Imagine the mess.

Yeah. Eating it like that. Yeah. You may as well have a croissant if you're going to make that much mess. Lovely. Yeah. The may as well have a croissant if you're going to make that much mess. Lovely. The whole meat thing, though. Is this because you said you'd like to go out

with someone from MIT? Yeah. Because I think it would be... I don't think I did. That was when I was in absentia. Oh. Oh, we don't talk about those times. I feel...

What are you doing later? You can't just say things like what you're doing lighter. You can't just say things like, what you're doing later. The chat-up lines are a bit different now, Frank. They're a bit more... How can I put this? They're a bit more direct. You know, they're chicken cheerful in absentia. Just FYI, there's no later about it.

About the here and now. Yeah. So listen, this Mark character, call me. I think he sounds lovely for me. A Harvard research fellow. Do you want to go out with a... He's not a scientist.

He's 29 years old. What's he researching, though? I don't know. He's a research fellow. He's not bringing back the wolf or whatever it is, is he? No. No more what?

You know, there's researchers and researchers. There's people that are trying to save our lives and people are trying to find out what dogs are saying. Or people doing drama. Mark, can you just email or text in Lovey and... Because people... Do you think Lovey's put him off, Frank?

The people are finding out what dogs are saying. Bear in mind, the dogs are not aware of this. It's essentially eavesdropping. Oh, yeah. It's like these people that are in the Chinese takeaway and the people speaking Chinese, they think they're being talked about. It's essentially eavesdropping. It's like these people that are in the Chinese takeaway and the people speaking Chinese, they think they're being talked about. It's paranoia. Let the dogs just, you know, communicate

as they wish to communicate. That's my final thought on it. Now, shut up. Okay, Mark Crosley's next. And thanks for listening today. You know, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.