The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Pointless

Episode Date: March 3, 2012

Frank is joined by Emily and Holly with chat about Frank's run with John Bishop, this year's Eurovision entry and bottling it with celebs

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you about how you can get 2 for 1 tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also I've got to tell you about how you can win a 5 night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there too. But I've run out of time. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily Dean and I'm with Holly Walsh. One boy. It's the king. Two little girls. Oh, lovely. Must play the whole of that one day. Not really! So, if you want to text us about anything,

we're on 8-12-15, as ever, and it's always great to hear from you guys. Sometimes I feel we're not as interactive as we used to be. Do you? Yeah. My red button feels untouched. Well, actually, Amanda has texted in to... Amanda!

Do you remember that? Stuart Gillies. Little bonus for you there, Amanda. Hi, gang. I was wondering how Frank's going with his swimming. Has he released the floaties yet and going under his own steam? And can our Keith swim? Well, I did release a couple of floaties this week, but it was in the deep end, to be fair. That's how frightened I was. couple of floaties this week, but it was in the deep end, to be fair. That's how frightened I was.

Actually, now, this week, Duncan Cudew came to visit. Oh, I'm a big fan of his work. Oh, mate, and I'll tell you something, he hasn't aged a bit. Well, no, that'll be because of the balkners. Exactly, because you don't go balk. I thought you said most of his career in a bath or the equivalent. I thought you said a bar. A bath.

Oh, yes. A swimming bath. But wouldn't that make him wrinkly, wouldn't it, by nature? That means none of the... Yeah, right, yeah. But of course he hasn't gone grey because he had nothing to go grey. It's true, he just looks exactly the same as ever.

And he said to me I was the best floater he'd ever seen. Did he? He doesn't say that lightly no i know from personal experience no i was i was i was really impressed by that when did they change the name from floats to floaters because when i was little we only called them floats no i'm not about i was the best floater i'm on about without floats just floating on the top of the water you have a natural skill for floating i think it's because I've got a bigger head than most people that I'm very well balanced in the floating.

So I can just lie on top of the water basically until I run out of breath and I don't sink. If I do drown on the night, it'll take ages for anyone to notice. I just think, oh, he's doing that floating thing again. I can't wait for that night. When I drown, thanks. Yeah, you've been after this seat for a long time.

Let's face it. Frank, also part d'er of that question, can our Keith swim? No, I don't think our Keith can swim. In fact, I don't think any of our family I don't think our Nora, our Terry or our Keith can swim. I'm surprised by our Terry, but

anyway, that's another story. I don't think Arterie can swim, no. And I don't think my mum and dad... Oh, my dad could, but my mum couldn't. We're a very non... If you live in the Midlands, there's no need for it. Is it landlocked? There's canals. That's a smashing canal.

But, I mean, you can jump on and off that, as we've established in recent weeks. That's how polluted it is. For those of you who missed that, Joe Darby was a local celebrity who used to jump on and off that as we've established in recent weeks that's how polluted it is for those of you who missed that uh joe darby was a local celebrity who used to jump on and off canals and indeed on and off his child's face without harming it before you try it at home you characters yeah so that um that was a but i did go to the deep end for the first time this week, that's true. I can't remember the last time I was so terrified. And I had three floats.

And I was absolutely seeing flashing lights down the side of my peripheral vision. I was so frightened. Oh, just thinking about it now. Did you wear a ring? No. Did you wear armbands? I had a noodle under each armpit. All right.

And I had a knotted noodle in front of me. Yeah, you might want to get some actual... I don't know. I'm learning noodles how to do it in that situation. Yeah, I know. Have you tried spaghetti? In fact, if I was that frightened, was I chicken noodle? Oh, rubbish.

Frank 757 mourning our black country national hero. Oh, they like that text. Does he mean me or Joe Darby? Who used to jump on and off of his child's face. Also, you can't be a national hero if it's only the black country. Oh, well, we'll see

about that. God, you're so strict. Let's not say the British world champion. She's so strict. Jealous, bitter. Very bitter. She's not. That's because I know I'll say, the British world champion. To danty. She says straight. Jealous, bitter. Very bitter. She's not. That's because I know I'll never be the Surrey world champion. You might be the Surrey world champion.

What about that? That's mean. That's mean. If there is a championship for apologising. Or indeed some sort of Ronnie Corbett impression. Language, Timothy. Sorry, Father. That was a great show. What happened to that? Why did they bring that back? Why do they have all that other stuff on that wasn't that good

and then they don't have that on? Eh? What about that for a question? Dave now, the home of witty banter, has shown Frank Skinner's opinionated. Forget about it. Get sorry on. It's only because they can't pronounce it, the announcers. Oh. You'll remember it is officially the hardest word.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'd love to know if any of our listeners have still got a sun strip on their car with their name and their partner's name. I haven't seen that for years.

Years! Frank, we've had a text in. This is from Terry. I don't know if it's our Terry. I don't think it's our Terry. I don't think it's our Terry texts. Oh, does he not? Oh, no.

He's a Telex man. Hi, Frank, Emily and Holly. Just like to thank Frank for coming to my school on Thursday. Good luck with your challenge. That's from Terry. What school? Yeah, I went to a school in Rochester. Oh, Rochester.

It's a Benny joke. One for the teenagers and um yeah what i had to go there to meet um john bishop who was doing his oh it's the big run yeah he was doing his big run this week and uh so i i went with him for eight miles did you and um i thought it was supposed to be 10 well they said to me 10 originally and then they they said, well, he's done 20. Don't belittle it. I'm not belittling it. Oh, God.

What is it with you this morning? You're shooting me down at every corner. I'm not belittling it. Anyway, I did eight miles, and John Bishop, I had to go to the school, and it was one of those schools where you think, actually, kids, you know, they're actually quite nice. Why were you at the school? Was it a prize-giving ceremony?

Well, no, this school... I feel really bad. I can't remember the name now. Oh, OK. Text the name. Terry, if you could text in, that'd be awesome. Come on, Terry. Do your own work. And they raised £29,000 last year, or last time, for sport relief. So they got the record for a school. And they did all sorts of... So there's loads of kids who are doing stuff.

And it made me feel really positive about youth. Because, you know, when you think of youths... Yes. You think of hooded youths. And me, being a middle-aged man, having to go outside and remonstrate with them and get knocked about. That's what I think about.

I think of youths, I feel sick with envy. Do you? Yeah. Ironically, you are wearing an England top and a hooded top as well. Yes, but I think you'll agree, once you get to the neck, the whole youth theme starts to disintegrate.

Can I just say, there was an awkward moment. I found it awkward when Holly was a little critical of the fit of the England shirt on you. I'm just going to leave that there. As I say, Holly has been picking on me all morning. I'm trying to improve you, Frank. Someone sent me a free... It was positive criticism.

I was sent a free England shirt, the new shirt, and I tried it on thinking, oh, great, free... It's a snog, I won't lie. Yeah, and I think Holly's question was, is there something wrong with your shoulders? She did say that. You did say that, Holly. First thing I pointed out was that we could see your nips, and then I pointed out

that there was something wrong with your shoulders. Can you not call them my nips? Oh. Nipples? Okay, I'll set that aside. My nipples. My nipples. I had them renamed my nipples as a tribute to the world's smallest man. More of him later. Meanwhile, over at the school, can I just say, Frank,

because I saw a picture of you in the Daily Mail online. Well, I thought it was you, but according to the Daily Mail online, John Bishop's seen out running with Frank Spencer. Yes. I know I shouldn't have gone down that flight of stairs in a shopping trolley. I was only laughing about, but it gave them quite the wrong

idea. No, I was captioned. Someone else told me I'd been captioned as Frank Spencer in the Daily Mail. Interesting, my first ever TV appearance. I say interested. It's a bit optimistic. I was introduced by Arthur Smith as Frank Spencer. It's a very fine line, Skinner Spencer. I think you'll agree.

Frank, this news, breaking news, the name of the school is Justin and Terry Justin? quite an informal name for a school isn't it? there's a school up the road called Nathan he says hi all again hi all, is that what it's called? no, Frank

my school is go on Sir Joseph Williamson's Mathematical School. That's what it was. I know it's had mathematical in it. It's a extraordinary name. Yeah. A maths school. It has its pluses. Oh, Frank! I've had it a bit divisive. But I don't want to subtract from the occasion, which was a

very marvellous thing. I had some great times there. Some great times. Don't you have to ram it home? We got that one. Okay. So yeah, so I was part of John Bishop's week of hell. I told me that I was part of

his terrible endurance. But I tell you what I did leave with, speaking of free things, quite a lot of free running gear I was given. Oh, did you? As a thank you, which I didn't know was coming. It was a lovely surprise. But it's all got Bishop's Week of Hell written on it. But I wondered if I could pass it off as the Catholic Martyrs tribute.

Anyway, I'll tell you more about this in a bit. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So there I was at Joseph Williamson's mathematical school. It's very alienating for the arts-based students, I find, that name. But anyway. Yeah, it's a good point. But I didn't want to go in there and try and change the name of the school. I felt I was out of a step in my authority.

So I was only there as the sort of support act to John Bishop's mighty, mighty struggle. There was one bit where I went to the toilet and I passed a bunch of young lads coming out, and I sort of went, all right, guys. And you know what my kids are? As I went past, they had one of them say, guys. He said, guys.

Oh, my God. You know what kids do? Any tiny thing they could seize upon. Next thing I know, they're giving me a Chinese burn. Can I just say, Frank, also, John Bishop looked rather hot. Well, he'd been running a long time. No.

No, I quite... It's a bit shouldn't but would. I've got a crush now on John Bishop. Why shouldn't, though? Well, he'd been running a long time. No! No, I quite... It's a bit shouldn't but would. I've got a crush now on John Bishop. Why shouldn't, though? Well, um... Above that's made. Oh, no, that's not a problem. Shouldn't just because he wouldn't seem the type of man I'd go for,

if I'm honest. No. Do you understand? No, I understand completely. But when I must say, when I said... We got to this... We were staying at a Premier Inn. He was staying at a Premier Inn the night.

I wish you'd told me. I mean, I think he's taking the week of hell thing a bit too far. And it was twin beds, him and Lenny Henry. No, but he was being massaged and all that and he'd just come out of it he'd have to have an ice bath I mean he's really you say a nice bath what was it an ice he had to have a nice bath to have a nice bath and a nice bit of cocoa no he has to have a nice by the way um in the midst of all this can I say, if you are inclined to save the world, do pledge some money for John Bishop because he earned it this week. And he was having all his treatment and I said, right, I'm off. I'm off, John.

And he turned to me and his hair had been sort of what? And, you know, he's got electric blue eyes. Oh, they're electric. He looked like a Norse god. He mean, he looked all ruffled there, but after... Sitting in an ice bath? No, he got out, he was out of the bath by now, he was being massaged.

And his tendrils were damp. He turned to me, his tendrils were damp, these icy blue eyes, and he's got teeth you could read in bed by his teeth. He's got a lovely set. Yeah, and he looked at me,

and I thought, John Bishop, you're beautiful. He looked like a Norse god. I'd say he looked at me and I thought, John Bishop, you're beautiful. He looked like a Norse god. I'd say he looked like I could see the mists of Asgard around him. I wish you'd sung that to him, James Bright's style. I think I saw the great, mighty Lord Odin. Maybe the mighty Thor was there. I think even evil Loki.

Anyway, he did. I've never seen that side of him before and i'll always think of him that way well i hope you put a towel on after that yeah i certainly did he insisted i did actually when we were running i i i started to feel i really wanted to be sort of supportive to my i started to think oh, mate, you can do it. I found a side of me I didn't know I had. I was genuinely compassionate. Was he able to talk while he was running, or was he just quite quiet?

He was able to talk as well as anyone from Liverpool can. That's what broke the Norse god spell for me. I looked into his eyes, blue eyes, and he went, anyway, take care, Frank. I hope he was holding the mic whilst he was running. No, he wasn't. I wanted to check his heartbeat.

A bish has a habit of holding the microphone at chest level, the old style. Entertainer style. That's because he doesn't want anything interfering with his amazing face. He doesn't want anything to block the light from his teeth. Exactly. He doesn't want a shadow of the mic on the back wall.

No. But he was heroic and I was happy to be part of it. And I think it was Gandhi who said, only in the service of others do we find ourselves. Gandhi was a man who I think did a fun run too many by the look of it. That's my thought. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, etc. I was just talking about the... Oh, one thing when I was running with John Bishop... About the bish? Yeah, is that lots of people sort of blast their car horns. Oh, me included, if I saw him in his current state.

Now you've decided he's a babe. No, a lot of people did, and I started to really miss... Because people went, uh-uh, when you went past them. Oh, go on, bish, and all that. And I started to really miss the glory days of the car horn. I'm talking... This is very nostalgic. What happened to the horns?

This is a very nostalgic car session for you. You've already asked about what happened to the tinted window and the names above the front. Now you're on the car. Well, I just follow the... When's your new car arriving, by the way? The last I heard was March the 22nd. And have you put in the Frank and Kath and... I would... Actually, I wonder if it's two, right?

And the visor. Oh, maybe I'll go for green sleeves, you know, the ice cream van. Crank. Sorry. You know what I'm suffering from? Slight mentionitis. That when you were talking about the car, I got very depressed that we weren't talking about John Bishop.

Oh, sorry. That's how obsessed I am by him. Can you just say one more thing about him? I'll talk about John Bishop again. Oh, you actually know him. Oh, my God. I wouldn't go so far as to say. I'll tell you one brilliant thing is

when i finished running they gave me uh they came up to me with a pint of coke and three mini rolls and i thought great this is like being an american except for the running but just eating that much sugar in one go is something i'd never normally do it's very exciting you must have burnt off a few calories i think i'll put them all immediately back on again. What, with a pint of coke? Yeah, that'll do it, generally speaking. Did you sort of feel quite stiff afterwards and have the awkwardness of him having done all that exercise?

Here we go. Here comes the tearing me down bit. No, I mean, like, did they give you an ice bath? No, they gave me nothing. Really? In fact, we got to, he got put straight onto a massage table. Oh, lovely. And I was given three mini rolls and a pint of coke.

Because they know old people, they love sweet things. They don't want a massage. You would have got the same if you'd given a pint of blood. Exactly. I did give a pint of blood in so many ways. Did you, was it like a tag team? Did someone take over from you? Or was there like a break?

I think Chris Moyles had run with him before me. No, there was that comedy day of building his part up. That was the day before. He's got no business being there. No, he always comes as part up. Coming from another radio sidekick. Well, exactly. Do you see me on Stretley Come Dancing?

No, I'm desperate to be on that. It's radio sidekick hate time. Frank, he's not the only celebrity, because you've been name-dropping... There's been someone else you've seen this week. Well, you know me, I live a very, very star-struck life. I was dining out the other night, and who should I see on an adjoining table?

Who was it? You won't believe it. What's my favourite programme on television at the moment that hasn't got me in? Dad's Army? No, that has got me in. I actually play Sergeant Sponge. Do you remember Sergeant

Sponge? He's the great forgotten character of Dad's Army. Is it Corporal? Corporal maybe. Someone will know it. Don't Google it. If you Google it, then I put my great curse upon you. So, anyway, you're in the restaurant.

Which restaurant? Was it a Swiss restaurant or a modern restaurant? No, it was English. Swiss? Anyway, now I'm into chocolate rolls. I just go to Swiss restaurants. Now, I... Well, I'll tell you what it was called, if you like.

It's called the Dean Street Townhouse. Oh, yeah, big fan. All right, so it could be someone Swiss, then. Well, what's my favourite TV programme that hasn't got me in it at the moment? Pointless. It is Pointless. And it wasn't even Xander Armstrong.

It was Richard Osman, his sidekick. Oh, the tall one. Yeah, I was so excited. I thought, I'm going to go over to him and I'm going to say, can I say, I love Pointless and I think you're brilliant on it. I was going to say that. Oh, I didn't, you. It's not like you.

I was with Kath and she said, oh, no, don't. Did she? She said, that looks like a first date to me. Why? Was there flowers and candles and wine? No, they were really snogging. Were they? No, they weren't. I'll tell you how you can...

He's probably married. You have to be careful, yeah. No, they weren't snogging, but he was just sitting with a lady and they were having a nice time. But I said, if it is a first date... Do you remember the old joke about the bloke who says to Frank Sinatra,

can you come over and pretend you know me while I'm trying to impress this woman? And Frank Sinatra goes over and he says, oh, all right, Steve, how are you? And the bloke goes, not now, Frank, I'm talking to someone. He could have used that exact punchline. I'd have been fine with it. But she talked me out of it so i didn't i didn't go across and then i uh he's also very he's i mean he's beyond tall yeah he's huge he's technically giant status i would imagine i think in medieval times he would have officially been a giant but they had no system

for measuring in those days so did they yeah they did it in hands they did do it in hands yeah but i don't know how many hands he'd be anyway so he's sitting there eating and you thought so yeah uh the tallness actually me and david once had a debate about tallness a long debate about at what point tall stops being good tall and becomes stupid tall you know you see someone see someone, you think, oh, he's a nice, strong tall. Oh, that's ridiculous. What is that point? I think it's to do with your build, like Peter Crouch,

because he looks like he's been on the rack. But Richard Osman looks like quite a big guy. And with spectacles on a very tall man, there's a hint of lighthouse. Do you know what I mean? When he looked round to attract the waiter, I was waiting for his glasses to flash. They didn't, needless to say. I'm going to come back to this,

because, as you can imagine, there's a fantastic culmination. Hold on, I'll look that up. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from Keith. I love a Keith text. Ah, Keith. Ah, Keith, yeah. Hello, hello Keith.

Keith says, art guys do painting by numbers, bro. Ah, you see, that's because they're at the Sir Joseph Williamson's Mathematical School. You said, how do they go in the art department? Painting by numbers. Decent gag, Pete. You see? He runs through the whole family blood. We're like one big comedy clan. And, Frank, 643 Private Sponge.

That's not a message to you. Private Sponge. Yeah, that's who it was. I thought that was a hint. Sponge for money. Pardon? I just changed the name of Private Dancer to Private Sponge. Oh, OK.

It was... Yeah, it's not... I'd love to hear Tina Turner sing a song called Private Sponge. No, no. It's about Dad's Army. It's about her love of lesser Dad's Army characters. Oh, OK. So you didn't say anything to Richard Osman.

You bottled it, basically. I completely bottled it. I just... I would have liked to have spoken to him, but I didn't, if it was a first. When I got home, I looked up... Oh, I hate it when you do that. If anyone here has ever been... not approached a celebrity

and looks back with terrible regret, do text us, because I'm like, well, let's share on 8, 12, 15. But when I got back, I thought, well, I'm going to have a look up if that could have possibly been a first date. If he's married, I'm assuming it isn't. And you never know, he's on telly. Might have gone straight to his head. It took a few weeks to reach.

But anyway, it just said he has children. It didn't mention the wife on Wikipedia, but it did say that his birthday is the 28th of November. Can you believe it? The same birthday as our Shep. Mustafachable Terry I used to have that died, you'll remember, was my dad buried under the apple tree to improve the flavour of the fruit.

I can't bear it. I can't bear it. Yes. You see, Frank, I had that with Gary Barlow once. I mean, I know you're not a big Take That fan, but I always thought we might get on famously. He was always my favourite. Mine too.

Well, yeah, and I thought, well, I might go and join him. Even when Robbie was in the band first time. Oh, I hated Robbie. What? Oh, no, no. What I love about Gary Barlow is that he's sort of a great example of a sort of Hans Christian Andersen story. Like, I think he's a modern story.

Also, he's like the ugly duckling. Nobody thought anything of him at the beginning. Like John Bishop. I thought you meant Thumbelina. He's quite short, isn't he? He's not, he's like the ugly duckling who just, nobody thought anything of him at the beginning. Like John Bishop. I thought you meant Thumbelina. He's quite short, isn't he? He's not, he's tall. No, he's short. Well, I saw him. Excuse me, I saw him in person. While you two were debating,

I actually saw him. Isn't he short? Um, he is quite short, actually, Frank. I'm sorry, Holly. Gary Barlow, Gary Barlow, Gary Barlow. I missed my moment there gary barlow dance gary barlow thomboleen i went to go over i actually went to school with a girl sorry carry on my gary barlow story come on let's hear it well it's not really a story oh well it's not a story is it a yarn i was going to go and talk to him and then i got waylaid by mika and david baddiel

and then i couldn't mika yes the singer mika and david together yes they were talking i don't know what about but they were getting on famously well how else would they get on i love the way you call them mika and david baddiel like who's coming round to dinner tonight? Oh, Mika and David. It sounded like Mika's surname is Baddiel. And then I saw Mika and David Baddiel. You know, you must get people approaching you. We've got an email in from somebody who said that they're from Cork and they saw you at Westminster Cathedral and they came up to you and you were exceptionally nice to them.

Yeah, well, I do try to be exceptionally nice. I remember that, those people, actually. It was a mother and daughter. Oh, always said that together. I like that. Sarah and Noreen. I always love to see a mother and daughter out together. Oh, God, Alan Clarke. No, I do, though.

There's something nice about someone who still hangs around with their... I'd just been... I'd taken some cash out, I do, though. There's something nice about someone who still hangs around with their... I'd just been... I'd taken some cash out, I think. Oh, yeah. And you know when you feel someone over your shoulder when you're taking cash out? It's a tense moment. It was the keeper of the cash machine was there. You know those men who always sit at the side? I thought you meant like a beefeater.

No, there seems to be in London. A homeless person has been allotted to every cash machine to keep an eye on things. I thought you meant like a beef eater. No, there seems to be in London. A homeless person has been allotted to every cash machine to keep an eye on things. There's always one sitting there just for a bit of a chat. With a dog keeping watch? Yeah, occasionally, if they can... Sarah actually says, I hope you sang your ATM song afterwards. Oh, yes, because every time I take money out of a cash machine, I don't know if you know this, Holly,

I always, always sing Got Brass in Pocket by the Pretenders. I cannot resist it. It's like my dad, did I ever tell you about my dad's razor? My dad gave me the razor that he had when he was in the army. And every time I had a shave with it, I used to sing Pack Up Your Troubles

in your old kit bag. It's these things trigger stuff. There used to be a French footballer called Papin and every time the commentator said Papin, I used to get up, when I lived with David, I used to look through the window and say, is that my car? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tra-la-la, la-la-la. I'm with... Beautiful. Thanks. I'm with Emily Dean and Holly Walsh. Hooray for... And...

We've got a text in from... Text, you say? I think it's a text. OK. People who've been celebrity spotting. Ah, yes. We were talking before the news, in case you're the sort of person who religiously switches on at nine o'clock,

about the fact that I saw a famous celebrity the other day and was reticent to approach them. So we asked our listeners, have you ever backed off from a famous face? No, is the answer to that. I wasn't asking you. I've never backed off from a famous face. Somebody texted in to say they were on holiday

and they saw the crankies, but instead of going up to them, they just got their wife to stand in front of them so they could get a shot of them in the background. And they've always regretted it. Well, getting a shot of them. Because that would have been a nice picture, but not the crankies. I've noticed people doing that, taking photos

even at my status, way below the crankies. You can't be below the crankies, surely? You can be below the crankies, yeah. You can in our flats. How many hands do you think the smallest cranky is? Well, Jeanette, I'd

say... Now, are the hands vertical or horizontal when you do your measuring? Oh, like the pony hands. Yeah, what's a pony hand? I think it's six inches, isn't it, a pony hand? I've got tiny hands. So have I. No. No, mine is smaller. We'll debate that afterwards. You've both got

very small hands. In fact, you've got basically Jeanette cranky hands. Frank fact, you've got basically Jeanette Cranky hands. Frank, we've had another text in. On 8-12-15, you say? On 8-12-15. I once sat at a table in a Japanese restaurant, London, with family. Lovely. I like it so far.

Next to David Baddiel and Martin Clunes. Oh, David Baddiel and Mika. David Baddiel and Martin Clunes. David and Martin Clunes. Although a fan of both of their Mika. David Baddiel and Martin Clunes. David and Martin Clunes. Although a fan of both of their work, I didn't attempt to speak to them. Although I was tempted. That's from 469.

See, I got confused there. It was the proximity of attempt and tempted. I had what I can only describe as a semantic brainstorm. That even gets about. So he was frightened to approach these two can only describe as a semantic brainstorm. That even gets about, doesn't it? So he was frightened to approach these two cloons.

Oh. I was once in a well-known shop on Bond Street when I first came to London. Were you? Bond Street? Yeah. And the security went off and the shutters came down and I was locked in a shop with the Chelsea player Vialli. Oh, yes. And it was just me and him. You sure he hadn't just taken a shine to you and requested that?

Yeah, exactly. Lower than blinds. Lower than blinds. Will you cut the blinds now? And I was stuck in a shop with him and I didn't know what to say because I did recognise him and I was a little bit sort of awkward about it. It was just the two of us and the security staff and the shopkeepers.

I don't know if they call it shopkeepers on the Bond Street, but I was very embarrassed about it all. As soon as I opened it, it ran, ran out of the shop. You didn't make any small talk. The 8215 Ernest Avenue closed for a police investigation. That's between Norwood High Street and Thornwood Road. I'm actually running a minicab company at the moment from Absolute, and it's the first time I've been caught out.

Yeah. So that was a bit of a problem. Was that Sandy? Hold on just a minute. Jeff, can you do South of the River? Be back with you in a... Sandy's getting like Comedy Day, building a part-time. I know, I don't think that was Sandy, was it?

I don't know who that was. I think that might be that. You know, there's a sort of a phantom of the uh of the traffic news like phantom of the opera who lives in the basement absolutely occasionally they emerge a terrible musical i like that bit actually it felt like uh the beginning of a fall song or something i'm hoping that lady comes back at some point Someone's texted in saying her hand is 4 inches or the width of a palm Oh okay

So in that case I'd say Jeanette Cranky is about I'd say she is about 36 hands It's like one of those sort of fake games where you have to try and work out

how many sweets are in a... How many hands is Janette Cranky? I'd like the idea of her standing on a table at a church fight and people trying to imagine how many hands. How much does she weigh? Well, 469 is clarified, not frightened, Frank. I thought it was more polite to give them their privacy.

Oh, OK. Oh, see, I was just was just genuinely well i thought it was a first date you're not going to sit the crankies and think could this be a first date does does does he unless you were working in jersey well you might think he's got you might think he's got a type you know what i mean he only goes out with like three foot women you might think that. Those men exist. Let's face it, there's a website for everything. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There is a winner. We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen. Holly Walsh has got the smallest hands on the team. Yeah, I think, wow, I didn't want to win anyway. Yeah, exactly. I just high-fived myself with my tiny

hands. Oh, Naya, the sound was... Here it goes again. Hey, Frank, somebody's done the calculations. Sean in Richmond has worked out that by your reckoning, Janine Cranky is...

Jeanette Cranky is 12 foot tall if she's 36 hands. Is that right? Is she? Three. I think he might be right, actually. Yeah, she looks much smaller on the telly. Well, Frank, never mind that.

Don't say we're not topical on this show. We've got some Englebert Humperdinck news in. Well, actually, it is topical, because did you read about this? Oh, God, it's very topical. Yes. He's been chosen to represent us in the Eurovision Song Contest, which is an extraordinary decision. You say us?

Yes, us, Frank. Okay. Yeah. I'm very happy about it. I think it's a tremendous choice. Are you? Yes. Were you a fan the first time round? I remember our Terry was going out with this woman, and they had a split up.

And he went out and he bought the 45 RPM single of There Goes My Everything by Engelbert Ompeding. And he went into the front room, which we normally kept for best, but no one, he was so upset, no one would say anything. And he went and sat in there in the cold, and we didn't have central heating.

And the family were all next door, and he played that song, Benny played it 30 times, over and over. Oh, Terry. There goes my reason for living. Oh, man. Was it heartbreaking? The tears were coming onto the door.

It was, we were all failing for under the door. Aw. It was. We were all feeling for him next door. So now whenever you listen to that man's Elvis-like voice, do you feel quite emotional? No. He's a strange... It's like the Queen Mary going through Golden Square. Some interesting noises to that.

I think he's a strange choice, though. I have to be honest. We do have some celebrity experience with him. My sister was very good friends with his son scott um well actually he called himself dorsey now i have to say you know when you think you know something and then you don't know it yeah i was absolutely certain that his real name was jerry dorsey oh turns out i read from reading about him this week in the papers, his name is Arnold George. And he took Jerry

as a false name. And I used to, one of my favourite branches of trivia is the real names of the famous. I used to have a whole list of his era in particular. Terry Nellums, Adam Faith, Harry Webb, Cliff Richard.

I loved it. I love a real name. What's Elton John's Webb. Cliff Richard. I loved it. I love a real name. What's Elton John's? Reg Dwight. Reg Dwight, yeah. But, um... What's that noise? They're digging. Oh, they're digging outside.

In case, if occasionally, you might not be able to hear it at home, but if you hear, um... It's because they're digging in the street outside. He's got, um, Holly, you've got up to have a little look, like a nosy neighbour. Pull back the curtains. Oh, look at the little handprints on the window from where she's been. It's like a cat's paw. Oh, it's like being at Santa's.

But, Frank, you see, it's quite a cynical decision, I think, isn't it? You think? Well, he's very popular in certain European territories. Is he? Yes. Very big in Belgium and Israel. I didn't know that. Well, this is why, then. And Romania.

That's why he's our secret weapon. Yes. Because he's big in the sort of heartlands of the Eurovision. It's a great idea. What happened to the... I thought you had this voting system where you had to choose. The BBC had some sort of vote where we could all make the decision. And then last year they decided blue, and this year they've gone for Engelbert.

Yeah, I think that they arrived... Something I arrived at by way of politics a long time ago, you can't trust the British public with that kind of important thing. This is why you don't let them anywhere near a capital punishment referendum. You'll be sorry. Just a KX factor and all that. Even that they can't.

Can you believe Susan Boyle, the biggest sensation ever, didn't win Britain's Got Talent. So they've decided, oh, look, we'll look after you. Trust us. So what are the rules as to who can do it and who can't i mean are there any otherwise we might as well just put up

paul mccartney or something no but they would put up paul mccartney if he'd agree to it which he definitely wouldn't so it's people who'll do it i think is there but this is a rubbish system then because those people should do it i mean what else are they giving the country apart from tax and they should be representing it's gone a bit John Humphreys here it has gone a bit John Humphreys on this subject I'm going to have to go to the advert soon but can I just leave you with this thought I had a look at Engelbert Humperdinck's website

just to see what we were dealing with nowadays because I haven't heard from him for a while and they have Engelbert's original quote of the week on the Engelbert homepage. And this is, and I'm going to ask you to sit and dwell on this over the break. This is his quote.

To stay fashionable with the weather is to be cool. He's out of his mind, isn't he? He's out of his mind. Absolute mind absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio Paul says hi Frank Ian and Jeanette Cranky's real name is Ian and Jeanette Tuff I worked with them for a season in Jersey

in 76 great fun couple yeah I've read their autobiography it's quite a page turner is it? yeah it covers their work in Jersey Guernsey

all the sort of big seaside towns Blackpool, Glasgow I mean it's really something I must admit if I read an autobiography I do like there to be a Channel Islands flavour if there isn't one I do like there to be a Channel Islands flavour. If there isn't one, I feel like I've wasted my time.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I knew they were called the Toffs because Ian Toff recently emailed me to thank me for putting the Crankies in my top ten comedy double acts of all time. Yeah. Richard and Judy didn't email you, though. No, Richard and Judy didn't. It's just a personal list you made. Email them to tell them that.

I received an email from Judy, but it was just random letters. I mean, she just took aim, and that's what came out. God bless her. There was some sad news this week, wasn't there? Did you read about Davy Jones? Oh, that was.

I used to love the monkeys. I really loved the monkeys. Do you know, you know Davy from The Monkees? And she said, yes. And I said, gather round, you know, it's a bit conspiratorial, his second name

is Jones. And she said, I know. And I felt so crestfallen. So that was your chat-up line? I thought, I'll never. She doesn't like me. There's no hope. Just pointing out the surname of a celebrity as a chat-up line.

Yeah, I thought, this was before I moved on to the real names trivia, just their names is what I was at. But I don't know why it lived with me so much. So I was saying, can I say that Stephen Fry tweeted... Oh, did he? What did he say? He said, of David Jones, he was the reason another David Jones changed his name to David Bowie, of course.

In other words, let's use this man's death as an opportunity to show how clever I am. I like the of course at the end. Of course. To be fair to him, isn't he just relishing my own joy of the real name thing? I was actually a Mike girl myself. Oh, you like Mike Nesmith.

Wall hat, as he was sometimes known. I think I did discover that he was heir to the liquid paper fortune. Indeed. Is that like Tippex? His mother invented Tippex yeah she was a secretary and she invented it oh my nesmith big cauldron in the log cabin can i you you you were into the monkeys yeah i love the monkeys but aren't they a bit old for you no it was repeated in the early 80s

in the early 80s. Hot in it. Isn't it hot in there? It was repeated in the early 80s. Yeah, I think that she saw the box set in the noughties. The TV show you're talking about. Yes, yes. Can I say, Mike Nesmith, to his great credit,

this was his tribute. I wrote this down to David Jones this week. I will miss him, but I won't abandon him to mortality. I will think of him as existing within the animating life that ensures existence. Now, a lot of people would have said, our thoughts with his family, and I'm with Mike Nesmith all the way, even though he didn't join them on their reunion tour.

God bless him and his error-prone mother. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, a man called Martin Jones has emailed in, and he's got a story about Patrick Moore, who I know is your arch-nemesis. Well, I wouldn't say. I hate him in simple terms.

Isn't that a nemesis? Or just a hatred? He doesn't simple terms isn't that a nemesis which is the hatred he doesn't know though i don't think he's the darth maul of your life yes he's he's lex luther to my superman um this uh martin says that he went to patrie moore's house when he was a kid since he lived in my village and my mum caught him trying to use his celebrity status to q jump in a post office hold on well hold. Is this not fuel for my fire? Isn't that typical? You can imagine him saying, is that a complete solar eclipse up there?

Everyone looks up. Hold on a minute. How did Morrow get to the front? Anyway, he says... Somebody once said of Patrick Moore that he looked... I remember this in a write-up. It said he looked like he'd covered himself in superglue and run through a wardrobe.

Is it my imagination, or does the man have a monocle? He does sometimes have a monocle, yeah. Affectation. Carry on, Molly. He should probably get two monocles now. He probably doesn't even know it's there. It's just lying on his fat face like a film of grease. Oh, come on.

So anyway, meanwhile, over in the post office with Patrick Moore. Yeah, apparently this was enough to ensure an invitation to the house of Patrick Moore and he was very nice and played his xylophone a bit for us and then showed us why we shouldn't look at the sun through a telescope by training the scope on the sun and then

moving a piece of paper close to it. And it burst into... He's written burst into frames. Yes. Pretty sure he's gone for... he means flames. Oh, so he's done the magnifying glass. Yeah, he said it was incredibly impressive as a child. Yeah, well, it was impressive.

But, of course, the truth is that Patrick Moore probably does that with poppies instead of paper when people aren't there. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from the outside world.

One is from Australia, would you believe? Goodness. This is from Brian Broadbent. He says, hi, Frank. I won't do the accent, lyrotate. It's hard not to, isn't it? I know. He says, thanks for a great show. Is he listening as we speak?

Yes. He's certainly a handbag. Well, he says we're having a few beers with a couple of mates. Really, I'm glad he's batting against the national stereotype. And we're just laughing at what happens in London with all you guys. Thanks heaps for a great show. Well, thanks very much, you bludger. You mangrove.

I hope they're supposed to be friendly. They're the only Australian accent I know is Alf from Home and Away. Oh, yeah. So, yeah. It's big 10 to 10 in Australia australia how many hands is that in australia big hands and uh so um they must be you know kicking back on the veranda with a beer and a it's very different experience to how we would have it in eng. Yes. I can't bear these cultural stereotypes, actually. How dare you?

Mind about time. Where's the travelogue bit in my contract? You're right. It is a different time in Australia than it is in England. We assume this is sort of like a breakfast show, people waking up, but this is the end of their day. They're winding down to this. Yeah, but Holly, some people are still having

beers even though it's a breakfast show here but that's another story Yeah also I don't know that we actually give it that high energy breakfast show feel that you're supposed to give to a breakfast show Let's face it we're no comedy Dave Excuse me Sean from County Durham Frank

Oh yes You know we were talking about going up to Celebrities and bottling it. He's done it to us. He came up here to Absolute Radio to Golden Square. From County Durham. I don't know if he travelled that far. Oh, no, I hope he didn't come just to see us from County Durham. Yes, he said he was sitting on the bench in the square,

wondering if we'd come out. Well, I say we, if you'd come out. And then he said, we came back around the corner into the square only to see you the cockerel and three ladies walking towards us i bottled it and all i managed to utter was it's the cockerel as you walked past i've been kicking myself mentally since then as i've been a fan of yours since your packet of three days oh my god that's um packet of three that was just before the Crimean War.

We did it, we went round to the troops in India entertaining them with a show called Packet of Three. You, Jenny, Claire and... Those were certainly marvellous times. We had to keep our tunics buttoned when we had high tiffin and it was 63 degrees one afternoon. God, we laughed.

Well, that's... Well, I'm sorry that happened, but this part of London, if you pass a man sitting on a bench, you assume he's been there all night. Which is probably why we averted our eyes. There I was, sitting by the cash point, just waiting for you.

Oh, it's one of the keepers. One of the keepers. What's his name? It's Sean from County Durham. Sean, I'm sorry about that. Well, guy it's Sean from County Durham Sean I'm sorry about that well my own father was from County Durham from a little place

called West Cornforth I think the least you could do is drive up there and have a chat I don't know if that's the least I think the least

I can do is what I'm going to do which is nothing Frank you know this is frank skinner absolute radio frank you know last week we were talking about fears things people were scared of oh yes well someone who's a marine a royal marine no less has emailed in to say that for 20 years uh he's had a morbid fear of wet cardboard against his teeth he said i'll tell you anything just donid fear of wet cardboard against his teeth.

He said, I'll tell you anything, just don't get the wet cardboard out. He's a security risk. That's a weird thing to be scared of, isn't it? I can't think of any situations where you would have wet cardboard in your mouth. Well, the Queen Mother, to be fair, I think her teeth were made of cardboard. She was very into recycling.

So they must have moistened. What little saliva she had left in the later years must have kept them fairly moist. So if he'd have snogged the Queen Mother, he'd have had a heart attack. And I think it used to be part of becoming a Royal Marine, didn't it, that you had to snog

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother? Is that right? Yeah. He had to have a two-minute with tongues. With tongues. And I know it's not every time, but often she would grab their buttocks in each hand. I mean, and really quite tight. Really.

This is quite treasonous. Marines have said to me that the fingerprints of the Queen Mother have been on them for, you know, a year or 18 months in some cases. Still, God bless her. Frank, we've had someone else texting in 913. We were talking about being too scared

to go up to celebrities. Something I've never suffered from. Hello to all you lovely people. A few years back I saw Meryl Streep in Tesco's in Hammersmith. I wanted to say hello but it was genuinely starstruck. She was buying pasta. Is there any possibility it was at Meryl Streep? Would she be in Tesco?

Buying pasta. Hammersmith. Yes. Do you know what, you say that, but I used to work in a really boring office job and quite often I'd walk past someone and go, oh my gosh, that's, you know, Frank Bruno or something. And then I'd realise, you know, it wasn't Frank Bruno,

but I'd just go, it's so much more interesting if I go back to the office and tell everyone I saw Frank Bruno. So. And then I'd realise it wasn't Frank Bruno, but I'd just go it's so much more interesting if I go back to the office and tell everyone I saw Frank Bruno. So you'd just... So I'd just go back there and be like, oh yeah, I saw Frank Bruno. People would be like, oh my, is that true? I thought he lived in America now. I'd be like, well, I just saw him. I like the idea that you used lookalikes as a

springboard for lies. Well, that was the sort of basis of truth. There was a glimmer of truth for a minute. There was a moment for you when that was true. If I hadn't... If I hadn't realised it wasn't Frank Bruno, I could have easily thought it was. Yeah.

I once walked past you on a bridge and didn't say hello. Is that right? Since you've been doing the show? Yeah. I thought you'd been a bit sulky. I actually said hello to you and she just turned a haughty head in the opposite direction.

You know a haughty head. Oh, yeah. I hate that. Lovely pub, though. A haughty hand. Be a good name for a pub, wouldn't it? The Haughty Head. I like it.

Anyway, now that we've slowly come to that time, I really would like to clear my throat, but I think I can keep talking through the saliva until the end of the show. That's how close we are to that time. I really would like to clear my throat, but I think I can keep talking through the saliva until the end of the show. That's how close we are to the end. I could choke, but, you know, it's good to keep a little bit of an edge to these things.

Not the Weekend podcast is available to download from Wednesday, and that's me, Holly and Emily this week talking. Mark Crossley is next. Talking. And, well, quite frankly, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening and goodbye. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio