The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Post Impressions

Episode Date: March 8, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank develops an impressions show this week as well as talking all things lent and discussing driving with the fuel light on. As always he is joined by the Cockerel and Emily Dean.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran at my side. Can you text us on 8-12-15 if you have a moment? Or follow us, follow us on the show, the show, on Twitter. You were going to say follow us on the Twitter, weren't you? Yeah, at Frank on the radio. That's at, with like an A that forms into an outer circle, if you can imagine that.

An A about to be a U, aren't you? Yeah, and or you can get us straight through the website, the Absolute Radio website direct, you can email. I liked the website, the Absolute Radio website, direct. You can email. I liked the squeaky bit that you did there. It made me think that you were going to host the show today as one of the witches from Macbeth. Followers on the Twitch, eh?

Well, I like the idea that the witches from Macbeth have a voice. Surely they sound different in every production. Or indeed a Twitter account. That reminds me of, there was a World Cup exhibition once and it said you know who World Cup Willie is? He was the mascot in 1966. I've worked with him. It said

the exhibition includes a life-size World Cup Willie. And I thought well hold on a minute, this is fictional life-size in what respect? Rubbish. Anyway, welcome to the show and it's lovely to have you all listening. What?

Who's that, Emily? Who's that he's been now? I don't know. My new thing is I'm doing... I don't know, but I find it abhorrent. I'm doing impressions, but they're not of anyone. I think that's the way forward for impressionists. That's how I do impressions. I'll tell you what I want to ask you about.

I've got coffee. Alan, you have... I've got a cup of tea. You've got a glass of water in front of you. I'll come to that, but I've just had a new idea about impressions. Don't stop me at the floor. This could change entertainment. OK.

Don't you think... Can't wait to hear. Don't you think impressionists in the past have been very celebrity-led? Yes. It's all famous people. Renoir wasn't. Yeah. Or even if it's at school, it's people, it's recognisable people. But if I sort of started doing impressions, saying,

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, how are you doing this evening? I don't like that. I think that's brilliant. I think that's very worrying. I think the producer's a bit worried. Why? I think you should have done it as Ian McMillan again.

See, that's what would happen. I reckon if you did it to, if you got big enough crowds, you come on and go, Hello, everyone, how are you doing? Someone will say, that is exactly like that bloke at our work. You're always in. You're going to hit somewhere. I love the universal habit where you've got big enough crowds,

who's going to come and see that show? A man doing impressions of nobody. Frank's Christian. It'll be random impressions, that's what you'd call it. Got a big crowd in tonight to watch the impressions of nobody. What could you call it? There'll be some post-impressionist. That's it.

Post-impressionist. Because there it! Post-impressionist. Because there's been a period of showbiz impressions and now this is just... That would be brilliant. Another classic. Be hard, though, to request because people wouldn't know what to call them. Would you give them names, the characters?

No. Oh, OK. That's against the whole rule on that. Definitely not random. Good question, Emily. That's against the whole rule on that. Yeah, definitely not random. Stupid question, Emily. Foolish. Names? Oh, you're so bourgeois.

See, that was another impression. Oh, yeah. I think you could miss it, Macias. Sometimes you think I've just got a frog in my throat, but no, it's an impression. You better believe it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. you better believe it Frank, someone's been dreaming about you okay it's an extraordinary

dream do you want to hear it quickly? is it not rude? good morning Mr Radio, Miss Emily Fiddle Dee Dee and Sir Cockerel. Oh, I like Fiddle Dee Dee. Well, I've got the biggest promotion there, I think. Last night I fell asleep.

She's been knighted. Looking forward to today's show and thus dreamt of Frank. OK. We were in the studio and I was confronting him about his obsession with Doctor Who. Beneath his desk were dozens... Oi, oi, oi. ..of model TARDISes. Oh, OK. TARDI.

That's what they call it. Is it TARDI? Well, I've heard this debated before. I don't know. I've got a few TARDI T-shirts. I actually have got a few TARDI T-shirts. He was dressed from head to toe in Tardis blue and had a bright blue face. OK. I'm laughing because this could so easily happen.

Yeah. Meanwhile, he was... What about my circulatory problems? That's why I'm not laughing. Meanwhile... I wake up with a bright blue face most mornings. He was much more concerned about his hairiness. He had a flowing head of hair, a floor-length beard and hairy hands and feet. When Kath and Buzz arrived at the end of the show, they were just as hairy.

A bit like the hairy babies in that episode of Father Turd. I've never seen an episode, so I don't know. No, but I know the Mexican hairy babies. Forgive me for telling my dreams, but as it involves Frank, i thought it might be a bit more interesting cheerio lucy what do you make of that how do you interpret that one well i mean i'm no freudian um i consider the simplicity of the doctor who thing but um because i you know i well i used to i've stopped talking about it now i've been been banned by everybody. Evidently not. But the hairiness, I don't get.

I don't know what that could signify. I'm going to think about it, though. There'll be a ZZ Top element, I would have thought. I like the idea of Kath and Buzz being equally hairy, like a strange, hirsute family. But according to Freud, these things that you dream, sometimes they can be... You know a Freudian slip when you get the wrong word? Sometimes it can be a bit like, we've talked about this before,

so you think you're being chased by a wolf, but in fact you're frightened of Will from, no. You've got a mate called Will who you're frightened of. Yeah. Are you with me? Yeah, we understand. But I'm going to continue to dwell on it as the show goes on. By the end... We've had another text, though.

Frank, we all knew you were talented, but with these impressions you are surpassing yourself. I will now be doing impressions today at work. That's from Rob. You see? You see, you all said to me, oh, no-one's going to care about that, but already I've got a cult.

Yeah. Yeah. You'd better believe it! Fantastic. Enjoy that one, Rob. That's just. Yeah. You better believe it. Fantastic. Enjoy that one, Rob. That's just for you. One of my best. I dated someone from the cult.

Did you? Anyway, yeah. I say dated. Yes. Yeah, yeah. It was a verb. It was another verb. Okay.

So, it's Lent. Oh, I hate Lent. Okay. Well, it's Lent. Oh, I hate Lent. Okay. Don't you see it as a time of spiritual replenishment? Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Thanks for the reminder. I thought you'd love Lent because that's when people stop eating. Oh yeah. Oh, well, I love it now. Yeah. I've, um, on Ash Wednesday

this week, I didn't eat. I had one meal. Really? We'd only had one meal and two collations. You're not allowed to eat on Ash Wednesday. We need to incorporate this into the fashion industry. You can have one. A collation is like a tiny snack to stop you from falling over.

Snacking? Yeah, so you can have two of those and one proper meal is the idea. And I must say, I did... Can I ask what that involves? What were the collations? Did you go high-fat, like nuts or something to keep you going? No, I had a way to bix. Oh, no. But no milk.

What? Is that a length thing? Yeah. Is it really? You've given up milk for Len? No, just for Ash Wednesday. Just ate one dry. Yeah, it was that.

You ate one dry? Who does that? It's something you'd see on YouTube. Some dare or something. Watch the man eat the Weetabix without milk. It took me three and a half hours. My gran used to put marmalade on them and eat them dry. Gross.

Did you have five Jacob's cream crackers afterwards as well? What are you doing to yourself? Didn't you have a theory that Weetabix had shrunk over the years? I bet you were glad of it on Wednesday. Did you invite friends round for a dinner party? Can I say Weetabix wrote to me about that and pointed out that they hadn't shrunk? Did you know that? Yeah, with quite accurate dimensions

of what Weetabix... I love that you've got a letter from... I've got a letter from Arthur Miller, you've got a letter from Weetabix. Exactly. They should have sent me like seven or eight letters in a tube. But they didn't look a long thin envelope. That would have been

brilliant. Funny they thought of that. They didn't. But... What is the point of Lent, though? So can you explain the history behind it? Well, I don't know. The history behind it? I appreciate it's biblical. You know I follow the Nazarene. I do.

Well, he went into the... On Twitter. He went into... He went into the... Yeah, and you'd think he'd be able to spell Barack Obama. But he went into the wilderness for 40 days. Oh, I love that club. Yeah, he fasted. And so, well, Catholics do it as well.

But you give some up, but also sometimes you add something. But I've given up. I don't have much left to give up, to be honest, because I've given up most things over the years. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs. I don't have casual relationships. What do you do? Well, I don't do much now because I've given up tea for length.

What? I know. I've given up tea. We'll come back to this. I can tell you're astonished. I am. Skinner, Dean and Cochran Together, The Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio

I still haven't worked out why I've got really long hair and a long beard No In the dream Because I'm just generally overflowing with stuff. It's pouring out of you. Developing. Organically expanding. Is it that?

Maybe. Okay. That's the texting. You're quite a godlike figure to many. Not please. Not in Lent. Is that not allowed in Lent? I don't think you should say that in Lent.

I'm not easy with it. Can you explain to me the brief rules in Lent. Is that not allowed in Lent? I don't think you should say that in Lent. I'm not easy with it. Can you explain to me the brief rules of Lent? The rules of Lent? Cockrell Junior. On commercial radio on a Saturday morning. My little boy, who is, to my knowledge, not a religious boy, and doesn't go to a religious school, and said to me the other day...

Do you think he could be secretly... Well, here's what's happened. He said to me the other day, I'm not going to sing out loud for 40 days and 40 nights. Did he? And I said, have you been doing Lent at school? Because all I knew was 40 days and 40 nights. And he said, yeah.

Oh, except for Everything Is Awesome, that song from the Lego film. He said, that I'm allowed to sing out loud, but I'm not going to sing out loud. And then he said, I think I'm still allowed humming. So he's still humming, but i'm not going to sing out loud and then he said i think i'm still allowed humming so he's still humming but he's not singing he's he's come up with a series of qualifiers that's what he's doing yeah and i said a lot of people do that in length a lot of irish people often st patrick's day maybe always actually falls in length right what do you do about that then

they always say well yeah i think because it's the Saints' Day, you can if you've given up drink for Lent. Oh, I think St. Patrick's Day is different. Right. Yeah. And is it you're meant to give up something that you like? Most people that give up drink for Lent should just give it up completely though. To be honest. Yeah. Like if you should give up sugar, you should just give it up completely.

Why just do it for a brief period of time? This is what I don't understand. Well, it's, you know, just because to show that you can. Right. For example, I'm not saying I'll never drink tea again, but I'll tell you something that was interesting. The first day I didn't drink tea, and I'm a big tea drinker, I felt a bit headachy and a bit spaced out.

I was having cold turkey. I wasn't having cold tea. Cold tur-tea. Cold tur-tea. No, I was, yeah, and I've felt that since. I've been a bit, like, a bit dreamy. Oh. Are you strung out?

I am actually strung out. Yeah. On non-tea? Yeah, I think, so you think tea's very mild. You know, you hear all these stories about coffee. Mm-hmm. And people giving up coffee. I mean, these are the people I know.

I don't know anyone who's on K, right? I know someone who's on Special K. That's it. But I know people who have a lot of coffee, and we talk about that in sensationalist terms. Yeah. Are you ruling out coffee for them? No, I't i haven't given up coffee but as you know but i don't drink coffee i don't drink coffee as you said a few weeks ago you'd be quite happy to never drink

coffee again i mean i drink the decafeneated um i drink that what are your impressions? Tell me no. Just say no. No, it's not. I'm not so sure about that character. No, I feel that one. That one should be in Macmillan, yeah? Okay. Well, I'm still working on that one. This is a work in progress gig for my new impressions show. No, but at least...

The crowd will be going mad. But you know that sort of stressed out thing that people get when they drink coffee, normal coffee, they get a bit tense and all that. I get that when I drink decaffeinated coffee anyway. And I get it for that moment. I get that when I see man-made fibres. I haven't seen that. Is that Tom Cruise? Anyway, you know when you order decaffe? Anyway, I...

You know when you order decaffeinated coffee? I've mentioned this to you guys before. I always... I say, I'll have a decaffeinated cappuccino, please. Decaffeinated. And they go, yes. And then they go away. I like that impression.

That's another one. Yeah. And they come back late and they say, okay, cappuccino. And I say... And I say... and I say- A generic man who works at a coffee shop. And I say-

Not quite generic enough for me, but- I always say, is it- and it- oh, hold on, it's decaffeinated, though, isn't it? And they go, y- yes. And I always say, oh, well, it isn't, is it? It isn't. You're always getting this coffee in't, is it? It isn't. He's getting his coffee in Barcelona, too. So I drink in tension that I would have got from the cafe. Hmm. Decaffeinated. Oh, yes. I hate that.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Our readers have been texting in, haven't they, Al? Oh, yes. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, it's just starting. Who's to say you won't cover all the great world religions? It's just starting with Lent. I'm actually thinking about it. He had some big suppers last year. It could have been that. He didn't have 12 people around. I like the way they called it the last supper.

Very middle class instead of the last dinner or something. It means a lot to me. They had standards. The last midnight snack. Yeah, we've got a few texts in. Too many people give up things for Lent and then just binge straight away afterwards. The idiots.

Oh, I love the idiots. It's from two out of four. Oh, I thought it was from the... I thought that was the signature at the end. No, I don't believe so. I think it's... Yeah, but I think that's all right, isn't it? That's what I do.

Oh, is it? Oh, am I going to be drinking tea on Easter Sunday? I'm going to be drinking tea out of a chocolate Easter egg. You can have a yard of tea. Good luck with that experiment. What I'm going to do, I'm going to drill two holes in a chocolate Easter egg, put the tea in and then drink it like a coconut. But you've got to drink it really quick, obviously,

because you know that the hot tea is steadily making its way through the inner casing. I hate it when that happens. I want ringside seats to that. I just like the idea of you using the drill to drill two holes in the chocolate egg. I've got a hand drill. That's one of the... Oh, no, sorry, I've got a man drill. It's a large, colourful ape that I've got mixed up.

One nine nine, Frank, I could never... Oh, God, I see the teeth on it. I could never give up tea for Lent, so I'm giving up biscuits that's you know that's all right i'm giving up biscuits as well i'm giving up sweet things but i just give up sweet things oh hang on you can't surely you want to focus your attention on the tea don't divide your resolve yeah but i like to throw in a bit of white watches you know what i mean, so, the tea is... I'm worried about socialising with you,

though, if you don't mind me saying. You're just going to sit there, no, I'm fine, thanks, just with a glass of water. I'll have a glass of water, please. That's good, isn't it?

Hey, Frank, do you want to come round to mine for a tea and a biscuit? No. No, he'll bark at you because he'll be withdrawing from the caffeine.

No! It's a good job I'm not single, though. I fancy coming back to mine for a glass of water. See, I went into my voice then, my chatting up voice. Was that your date impression? If you notice men do that, you can be talking to a mate,

and they say, yeah, yeah, hi, Dan, good to see you, and all that. And then you hear them after going, yeah, you've got a woman. They get that horrible... What, when they're chatting a woman up? Yeah. Oh, I hate it. Or you get people, they get a phone call. They say, yeah, hold on, just get this.

Oh, right, right. Oh. Oh, do you know, just... Yeah, I'll be with you. If you carry on, I'm just going to finish this phone call. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, baby. Oh, baby.

I feel sick now. Oh, no, it makes me... It made me feel sick when it was me doing it, just to hear myself... Hear myself. Oh, God, that's why I'm so glad I'm settled in a relationship now. We've had another good email about Lent. During Lent, I'm going to do more push-ups, more stretching

and work on my sidekick, just like Jesus did. Love you all. Excellent. I'm going to work on my sidekicks. Oh. So watch out. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a text in, I don't know if this is what you wanted, but you reap what you sow. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. It's been very biblical this morning. Hasn't it? If we're talking impressions,

could I request some of your all-time female classics? Posh middle-aged British lady, brackets, do you see? I think you might have said that. Oh, yeah. I think that's the phrase. Yes, do you see? OK. Yeah.

And middle-aged American lady, brackets, Buzz Aldrin's wife. Oh, God, I remember her. Do you? I remember she, I know what the story was about her, is that I interviewed Buzz Aldrin. As soon as I got a chat show, I said, like, let's get Buzz Aldrin on. And he was the guest on, he was the star guest on the

first ever episode of the chat show I did. And they decided, then the producer said, well, let's put him in, we won't put them in a modern hotel, we'll put them in a proper old English Tudor house. I love that, Americans. And she found up and said, can you move us from this hotel?

Because, would you believe this? When we walk, the floor is creak. Frank, we had that. He's since divorced, you know. Has he? He's divorced when he was about 80. I love him for that. One morning he woke up and thought, that's it.

I've put up with this long enough. Frank, we took, um, one of my gay godfather's friends, Louis St. Louis, who's, uh... Louis St. Louis? Yeah, he's called Louis St. Louis. So gay they named him twice. Yeah, pretty much. Um, he's a lyricist. I believe he wrote Grease 2. Did he really? Yeah, he wrote Sandy Louis St. Louis. So gay they named him twice. Yeah, pretty much. He's a lyricist.

I believe he wrote Grease 2. Did he really? Yeah, he wrote Sandy, I think, as well, in the original Grease. Oh, you are... That's a beautiful song. Stranded and driving. The good thing is we can do the royalties via me. Because if John Travolta did it nowadays, he'd say,

Surely... Because he gets the names wrong. Oh, yes, yes. I'm just relieved about where that was going. Oh. What? Oh, you know when you do topical stuff and people haven't read the papers that week?

I know exactly the Travolta gaffe. Don't blame it on us. I just had a feeling a bit hot. Frank, I know the Travolta gaffe. Frank, so Louis St. Louis, we thought, oh, we'll take him because he's American. I mean, he's very American. Yeah.

You know, big faux fur coats and all and the like. Well, that's American. We took him to, very Texan, you know. Yeah. He sounds Alaskan. We took him to the Spaniards Inn in Hampstead. You know, that very traditional old pub. Oh, yes.

We thought he'd like it. We walked in, he he went this is horrible so we had to leave i just like anyone who would say that yeah about because people are so polite nowadays mind you i had a driver who drove me into the show this morning and i got in the car and he said um hey uh no he wasn't american he's too i started the car and he said, Hey... No, he wasn't American. He's doing a mix-up with Lewis and Lewis. I started to get the impression that he said to you at the start. Yeah, he said, Hey.

He said, Hey, where are you off to? And I said, Golden Square. He said, OK, great. And then he said, Is it warm enough in the back for you? Too cold? Too warm? I said, No, no, it's fine. And then he said... I said, It's good to check, isn't it? Have I got time to do this thing? I said, Is, no, it's fine. And then he said, I said, it's good to check, isn't it?

Have I got time to do this thing? I said, is it time to, is it, I said, it's good to check, you know, you've got the right person going to the right place. He said, yeah, so we have a school, a kind of a school that they do at this company where they teach you to be a good driver and, you know, and to be, and all that. And I said, okay. And I said, is it like a physical school

the actual building that you go to and he went yeah he didn't speak to me again for the rest of the day it's like he thought no i'd actually i don't want to talk to this person and just made the decision like that and that was it that didn't end and then when i got out he said he said i said have a nice he said you have a good day. Have a nice life. Completely dismissed. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Oh, do you know what I did this week?

I drove for quite a long way with the petrol light on. You ever done that? Oh, yeah. How far can you get? It's terrifying. Quite far in my case, because I've told you about girls empty. Have I not told you about girls empty?

No, I like the sound of it. Well, sit around. They're a bit like girls allowed. I like to fly a bit... More vacuous. I like to fly a bit too close to the sun when it comes to the petrol. Oh.

It's my little adrenaline kick. I see how far I can go. I've got... There's boys empty. I think that's on the gauge. That's right on the nail. And then girls empty is below that. I once did girls empty and I had to call Jonathan Ross to come and pick me up and save me in

a canary yellow suit. Well, because you've finished... You've run out of fuel. Yeah, because I just push it. I push it further further than i should i can't help it you end up you will have to push it if you know if you carry on driving like that miss no that's my policeman very good oh i love the police i identified that yeah i've never so where do you stand on the petrol gauge never run out well i of course you haven't i hate the idea of it oh yeah i've run out on the motorway oh no oh lovely so girls empty i love it no i run i mean i run out on the

mountain i was naked 118 i was holding a west island terrier above my head like a football score i'd been drinking that person's dream it wasn't that you were hairy, it was just a West Highland Terrier that you were. Yeah, exactly, she's got a nice heading. Yeah, I reckon. That's it, if she needs to, if next time she needs to have a dream, she needs to sleep with her glasses on. She'd be happy to see me for a while. Steve laughs Do you dream, if you wear glasses regularly, and you dream, are you, are you short-sighted in the green because you don't have your glasses on in bed?

No. Idiot. Is this the day's texting? You'd have to go to an optician and say, could you get me a prescription for my mind's eye? That's like your observation about ghosts. Why do they wear those clothes? Why do they wear clothes where did the clothes come from did the clothes die and rise again what outfit and also i know we've talked

about this before but why aren't the ghosts ever in the hospital gown which is what a lot of them would be in but they're always in the bridges why is everyone in bridges in the ghosts but how can there be any the clothes don't have spirits that come back do they it doesn't make any sense. They should be naked. So we've gone from Lent to ghosts. Is that what we're doing? Well, it's a spiritual day.

It reminded me of his ghost observation, which I think is rather fine. Gary from Andover has texted, Frank, you can go around 20 to 25 miles with the petrol light on. Safety mechanism for morons. Shut up. I was told by... How many miles?

20 to 25, but I've been told more than that. I think I did more than that this week. We'll come back to my petrol light. I'm going 40 in that case. Love it. Well, I have heard that said. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've had a number of texts and emails in, Frank, regarding petrol.

Oh, yes, the petrol light. Can we start to call it the fuel light, please? Why? Why? That's a bit American. Is your car diesel? Yes. There you go. That's why, because it's not a petrol light, is it?

I love this conversation. Well... Sorry, but... I think I still... You see, I mean, I don't keep gloves in the glove compartment. I still call it the glove compartment. I love the way you two have diesel. Money savers.

Penny wise. No, I'm just trying to destroy the planet. Have you ever played petrol station roulette? When you drive past a petrol station with the red light on, hoping you can make it to the next station. That's from Paul the chauffeur in London. It's good to know that Paul the chauffeur is doing it. Good news for his VIP passengers.

Sorry about that, Alan Sugar. But yes, I have done that, Paul. Have you? But I've got orange light in my... Red light's a bit extreme, isn't it? Well, 829 says, I have done 60 miles with light on, did not want to risk any further.

That's good. 60. I think I did about, I did high 40s this week. If a man did 60, I would get intimate. Because I would respect him. Good job I stopped when I did. So 829 that texted in, if you are a man, that's

Emily saying factually she finds that attractive. I do. I like that approach to life. It's a bit devil may care. In fact, Paul in Nottingham could have a chance because he says, Hi, Frank, I live my life on the orange light. And then he says in brackets,

You've got about 50 miles left. I like the melodrama. It's that though. I live my life on the orange light. See, I... Where's he from? I don't believe he's... Oh, he's in Nottingham.

Paul in Nottingham. You don't have to put on the orange light. Paul in Nottingham. You don't have to drive on vapour through the night. Ah, that's the closest to enjoying a police song I've been for probably 15 years. OK, well, I tell you what, I found it was, it's very, because it's so tense. First of all, I'd say it's very good for your cardiovascular.

Yeah. Because I was extremely, oh, it's like the decaf... The decaf-anirty had turned up. Oh, God. But also... We're just stuck with that pronunciation forever now. I think I was a slightly better driver during my orange light period. Was it David Cameron doing a speech

when you need the toilet? Yeah. It's that principle, isn't it? I think of it as... you know, Spalding Gray did that film Swimming to Cambodia. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And in that, he talks about he has to swim in the water with a South African man. It's a very, very

dangerous patch of water. I think there's sharks or something. I can't remember, but it's dangerous, and he's very worried about it. So what he does is he gets his training shoes, he puts all his money and his gold Rolex in his training shoes he puts all his money and his gold rolex in his training shoes and leaves them on the beach and he calls it displacement of anxiety right so he was so worried about his money and his watch he wasn't frightened in the water yeah and i think i

was so worried about the petrol running out that you know the normal tensions road rage people you know oh what you're doing and all that i wasn't doing any of that i was i was i was in an orange light nirvana orange light nirvana she's the queen of northern souls this is frank skinner absolute radio i make mine my orange fuel light flashes when it gets really low. Thank you for that. I like the fact that they've put fuel light, though. That's good, and they've put orange. Yeah. Yeah.

And we've also had 240. And they put flashes as well, like that. Otherwise it wouldn't have made any sense. We've had 240. I think this is a text that is attacking a point I made. Why call it a petrol station? Well, I don't. I call it a service station. Oh, dear. Yeah, I think this is a text that is attacking a point I made. Why call it a petrol station? Well, I don't. I call it a service station. Oh, dear.

Yeah, I call it... I call it a garage. I call it fuel or a garage or a service station. I call it pull in here, please, driver. 149 says it is an offence to run out of petrol, you lot. Is it? You lot. Which I think is a point almost as pernickety as me saying, can we call it a fuel

load rather than a petrol load? I don't know. If I'd have known that, I might not have been such a chancer this week. I have a theory. What's a chancer? I think 149 might be slightly wrong here. I think they're saying it's an offence to run out of petrol. I think it's an offence to knowingly

run out of petrol. I think that's a critical point i don't think you're allowed would you establish that in that case i've offended so much i've made it a skill i think the rule is something like you're not meant to go on the motorway if you know you haven't got fuel for the amount of time you're going like you're not right you're not meant to go on the problem is so don't you find that one but when you're driving, because you have to look at the road, you don't really have time to look at all those dials and things. I have this problem with the speed.

TMI. Yeah, but the speedometer's another thing. I think you are all duty bound to look at your dashboard. I'm quite relieved you're not a pilot, Frank. A policeman said to me once, he said, do you know what speed you were doing? And I said, no, no, I was looking at the road. I thought, I'm not falling for that trap.

Trying to catch me out. I mean, that's like using your mobile. You start looking at your dials when you should be looking at the road. So be careful. That's an offence. Keith says, me and my girlfriend regularly travel to liverpool from stevenage strange journey and my aim is to do it on one tank of petrol inevitably on the way home the fill-up light comes on but i make it my mission to get home without filling back up

this has led to us driving at 44 miles an hour on the motorway just because i want to win the competition i hold with myself to see if we can get home needless to say my girlfriend does not share my enthusiasm for the game because she fears we'll be stranded on the motorway through my stupidity i think they're stevenage reds i think that's why they're driving to liverpool regularly that's my uh well i did run out of petrol on the motorway and uh a man a man i pulled onto the hard shoulder seems sensible got a jail sentence no a man uh stopped behind me and um got out the car and said can i help was it george michael no um he was driving my car and uh i looked up from under the dash now i i I was... He said, can I help you? What?

I said, can I move on? I said... I never can, that's my problem. Can I help you? And I said, well, I've run out of petrol. He said, jump in and we'll go and find a petrol station. He said, have you got a petrol can? I said, no.

In a sort of a no weirdos voice so um so he drove us uh to off off the motorway we went to this place and he said let's let's not ask where there's a petrol station and we stopped at someone's house and i knocked on the door i was quite famous at the time knocked on the door and i said this woman, where's the nearest petrol station? And she looked over my shoulder and said, is that a camera? And I said, no, no, it's just me, I've run out of petrol. And the bloke drove

all the way round the thing and dropped me back by in my car. And I said to him, and it was a genuine inquiry, I said to him, are you an angel? Wow. He looked terrified. Yeah. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday

from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I accidentally frightened a woman in the street. Your Honour. This week.

Yes. What did you do? I asked her if she'd seen the moon. What? Why did you do that? You've just seen her? I said, excuse me, have you seen the moon? Do you know where it is tonight?

I can't believe she thought you were unhinged. She looks alarmed. It's a perfectly reasonable question, isn't it? What time of the night was this oh no it wasn't very late it was about half seven eight o'clock you didn't really go up to someone and say what were you wearing and what were you holding that's right because that would be terrifying i was holding a west highland terrier above my head no no i was holding my baby that's why i thought you i think if you're holding a baby you can ask all sorts of... But the trouble is, you see, I look a bit old to have a baby,

so she probably just thought I'd grab one on public transport and jumped out of an emergency exit. That was the... That was the thing. But it was a serious question. I've been trying to show... When I take Boz to bed... Yeah.

All this week, when we go up the stairs, he starts going, moon, moon. And I can't find it. I look through windows on both sides of the house. Well, he's very apt, as he's called Buzz. He would have an obsession. That's easy. I never thought of that. That's his course. That's silly, isn't it? Yeah. I never thought of that. Yeah. That's his course.

But I couldn't find it. I thought it must be directly, absolutely directly above the house, so I couldn't see it. Like it was lining up for an alien abduction. Right. And I couldn't find it anywhere, so we went out into the street to try and find it, where the house, you know, I could see everywhere.

And so I still couldn't see it, so I just asked, as you would say you know do you know where the nearest um phone booth is a question that hasn't been asked for about 15 years i haven't really spoke to anyone in the street for 15 years other than to say thank you very much that's very nice of you nice people are calling spider is generally who asked for the nearest phone booth. People calling Spider is generally who ask for the nearest phone booth. That's another story. But we found... Where's the moon tonight? I'm just wondering how it sounds when you say it.

I know. She was, I mean, and then I think she panicked and said she's very cute speaking about the baby. I didn't know. Are you sure she wasn't speaking about you in a slightly camp way? Well, she's very cute. i'm not serving her she wants to know where the moon is yeah it was quite dark i suppose it could have been a it could

have been a man in in drag hadn't thought of that yeah well no that's i feel better about it now because we were both outsiders from society can i hazard a guess at what I think the problem was? What? Go on. Light pollution. Was it light pollution? No, I put the light off. Oh, did you? Yeah.

I found it. But you live in London, so I thought it would fix them. We found it. Did you? Buzz found it. That makes sense. He's good at finding the moon. And it was a lovely crescent. Oh, I saw that crescent, Frank.

Yes, it looked like a... You saw the whole of it. It looked like a lovely... If you can imagine a lovely nail clipping in the sky. Yeah, I can now. It looked like that. You know when you see a nail clipping on a carpet? You know when you cut your nails and there's always one that goes astray?

There's that one that flies. You go, you know where it's gone. And later you see it on the carpet. It's like that beautiful. Tune in for more moon reviews next Saturdayurday i'm glad you enjoyed it i did absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio what about jamie oliver we haven't talked about jamie did you see he had a bit of an embarrassment this week oh he's opening an italian restaurant in week? Oh, he's opening an Italian restaurant in Hong Kong.

Yeah, he's launching a restaurant in Hong Kong. Terrible idea, that is. Do you think they call him number one super guy? He decided, you know what people decide to do when they go to a foreign country? They try their hand at the lingo. Smash the stadium up, you mean.

Oh, sorry. They try their hand at the lingo. I had a flashback oh sorry they try their hand at a flashback that you aren't but it's all right to try a bit of german or something like that because we can all grow up in berlin that's as verboten um but actually we got mine buying this broken my god oh my god my leg is broken. Oh. Oh, I love that Kaiser Chief song. Yeah. Um, but he, he attempted Cantonese. I think. Now she's a tricky mistress. Points for attempting Cantonese. I would say, yeah. Yeah. That's a, that's a difficult one, Cantonese. Well, do you get points, though, if you're trying to sell your restaurant? Well, that's

true. Oh, yeah. This is like like he's thinking, I'll do anything. I'll speak Cantonese if it comes to it. Push comes to shove. I don't think the Chinese want, they don't want Italian. They like their own stuff. Is it the cuisine that you've got a problem with? They like their own stuff. If you walk around Chinatown.

They like their own stuff. If you walk around Chinatown, not far from this studio, it's full of Chinese people eating Chinese food. That's what they like. It is, yeah. It's not full of Chinese people with a big slice of pizza, is it? We can't speak for every Chinese person. No, but I bet you, I don't know if there's ever been a Chinese person on Question of Sport,

but I bet you they went in the home and away round. I bet you they went home. That's what they like, what they know if there's ever been a Chinese person on Question of Sport, but I bet you they went in the home and away round. I bet you they went home. That's what they like, what they know. That's what they like. Do you know what it is? I bet he's oversimplified that rule. You know when you go for a Chinese and some people lean in and go, oh, this must be a good Chinese restaurant.

Look, there's lots of Chinese people eat here. I bet he's thinking, if I open an Italian in Hong Kong, people will go, this must be a good Italian. Look, there's loads of Chinese people in the house. He's made a mistake. He's made a terrible mistake. He's totally oversimplified it. Yeah, he's got it.

Oh, God, he's got cuisine blindness. He tried to speak Cantonese and he said he'd be opening an amazing Italian submarine, he said. I liked that, though. Did you? Yeah, I think, what if he does? We shouldn't rule out that he might open an Italian submarine, he said. I liked that, though. Did you? Yeah, I think, what if he does? We shouldn't rule out that he might open an Italian submarine. That's his only chance there, is a novelty Italian restaurant.

I'll tell you what, it might not be a submarine, it'll soon go under. Eh? That's my prediction on the Italian... I mean, we don't know that he's not a keen scooper diver. What about those chickens that are sort of wide open? You know those chickens that look like an open book? Spatchcocked. Oh, yeah.

They're in the windows, but they're... Oh, I know them, yeah. They're opened up. It's like they've got the thumbs in the ribcage. I've always thought they'd make a lovely novelty mirror frame. Have like a mirror in the middle. I'll bear that in mind for your birthday. Thank you very much.

Or a book cover. Do you want it basted? Oh, yeah. I think if it's going to be a book cover, you're going to have to Scotchgard it. Yeah. If it's going to last. But you could have, depending on the different book,

you could have a different creature encasing it. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about Jamie Oliver and this restaurant he's starting in Hong Kong

but he's attempted the lingo and I think no good will come of it. He said, well, first of all, we established that he said he was going to open an amazing Italian submarine. Now he said the restaurant would be very slippery. Well, it might be. Yeah.

It could. There's a lot of oil involved in Italian food. Yeah, that's true. They spread oil. That's true. There's a lot of that. There could be a bit of balsamic in there. Sounds like the floor's going to be lovely, huh? You see that? Is it MSG that they put in Chinese food? Yeah.

You see, the good thing about it, it's got a matte finish. You can have that on the floor and you still have plenty of grip. But your olive oil? No, it's an accident waiting to happen. He tried to say Causeway Bay and he said bronze bed. I like the sound of a

bronze bed, though. You know I like a hard surface, Frank. I know. Well, again, he's going to have a bronze bed in his Italian submarine, isn't he? Yeah. He's having it. Oh, you're imagining sort of bed knobs and broomsticks kind of underwater world. He's got a bit of money. If he wants an Italian submarine... He has

got a bit of money. Like Cribs. I agree. With a bronze bed in it. I agree, though, that he's got a lot of money. So why is he opening an Italian restaurant in Hong Kong? What keeps people going? I've got a nice holiday in so why is he opening an italian restaurant in hong kong what what keeps people going didn't it i've got a nice holiday you know i sort of carry on working because i don't carry on i really like you know i like doing the i like doing the jokes me uh-huh but will you have impressions don't rule out the impressions. That's what I mean. I'm always evolving. That's different.

A whole new career for you. You can't say that again. I'd rather you didn't. Like I said, you just press the button on the randomiser and out they come. You don't have to take any responsibility for them. No, certainly not. I feel like they're plucked from the ether. Yeah.

Anyway, but where is the joy in opening an Italian restaurant? If he's got the money, he's got all the restaurants. The idea of a restaurant... He's got the submarine. The reason, yeah, the reason you want a restaurant is so you can hang around in there in the evenings and say, all right, Dave, uh... Dave!

Dave! Dave is there in Hong Kong. You know, but you sit down. Hi, Dave. Come over to the table and say, everything all right with you and me? Did you see, um... Did you see, um... Fleming this week?

Yeah, I was a bit disappointed in the last episode. You know, that kind of thing. It's like, how often is he... You think that's how he's run his restaurants in the UK? Are you confusing having a... Are you confusing having a restaurant empire with being a regional publican? No. He might have said, you know, have you seen Fleming?

That was pocker. I know it's a bit different with him. He's a bit of a character. But it's about hanging out and feeling what's the benefit? Just a bit of extra money. I don't know how much money people need. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So we were talking about Jamie Oliver Frank.

Yeah. And I don't think, it's not that you're not a fan, but you're not a fan of his I like him....his empire building. I just don't know... I don't understand why... What pleasure does he get from, you know... Oh, pretty good takings, Jamie, at the Italian in Hong Kong last night. Oh, pucker, fantastic.

I think he says more than pucker now. No, I know. Do people think like that? Anyway, you know, God bless him. I think he's a nice man. Yeah. I was in Korea once. I'll tell you this story.

I was trying to order in a Korean restaurant. Okay. And they, it's not like a lot of, there's no English, nothing. There's nothing on, there's no letters you can identify. No one in the restaurant spoke English. I had to mime the whole order. So, first of all, I just wanted a drink of water. So I started...

And I started miming rain. You know, rain. You know when you hold your hands up turned? So I did that. And the waitress... I could tell the waitress really wanted to help, but she was just looking at me. So then I did that, and the waitress... Oh, I could tell the waitress really wanted to help, but she was just looking at me. So then I did a drawing.

She brought me a napkin and a pen, and I drew, I thought... She thought you were Picasso. A very good tap. I mean, really quite a good one, like a proper cartoon tap, with water coming out the bottom, and she went, and went away and came back with an enormous, on like a proper cartoon tap with water coming out the bottom. And she went, ah! And went away and came back with an enormous, like a litre of beer.

And I said, no, no, no, no, no. And I got the, I pretended I was washing then, you know, for water. And she went, ah! And she went away and she came back with a wet napkin so that I could wash my face with it. And I squeezed the water from the napkin into the palm of my hand and licked it. And then she came back with a glass of water. I was so pleased with myself. And then she patted her stomach to my meeting.

And I went... And she just bought me a whole chicken. So I had a chicken and water, that was what I had for my meal. A whole chicken and a glass of water. Honestly, it was like being a fox. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why not text us on 81215? Many of you have. And we love it. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email us direct

through the Absolute Radio website. Email us direct. And indeed, we should sashay on into Email Corner. We've not been there for a little while. OK, well, I'm happy to. I can arrange that for you. Listen. Email Corner.

A pithy one to start. Dear Frank M and Alan, given that the creeks are rising, do I need to be worried about my future Saturday morning entertainment? Yours with a warm embrace, John. That's a very... If you're not familiar with the show, we always end by, I think it's from the Grand Old Opry or something of that nature. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise.

But it's never occurred to me that the Esther creeks have been rising quite a lot. They have. Yes. I don't know, I just love our readers that they spot. I do. They're clever. When there's, you know, most people are out on the street going,

Whoa, whoa! Are they? Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Is that what most people do? That's what most people do I'm not in Britain with that time Yeah another one of Frank's impressions there Oh my goodness

You must have lay in bed and heard And thought Where is your new house? I'm never getting out of this bed Are they the same people that say Frankie Legend? What about Well I don't know who they are they just they're just that when they sing rather than trying to sing their very best and sound melodic they go

um i saw that paul daniels did you see paul daniels i saw on sky news with them with the lovely debbie mc Oh, did they do everything together? And she had a Mac on, on air. Oh. Quite a big Mac. Quite a big Mac. Yeah, I think... Was it belted? They had...

I think it was belted, yeah. I think that was just to cover the sore marks. Years of being sore in half. Yeah. It must chafe eventually. It must, yeah. I mean, even if you're really good at it, eventually you're going to get it wrong and you're going to catch a bit of skin in the teeth. Can I ask you a sensitive

question about Paul Daniels? Go on. With the hair area, he's just open and exposed about it, isn't he? Yes. There's no hat in play? No, no. Okay, good.

I mean, I imagine if he's got any hats, he's got livestock in them. Yeah. That's how he works. Yeah. That's where the hair's gone. They showed you photos of his lovely home by the side of the Thames, and the water was like three feet up the inside of the house. Yeah. And the water was like three feet up the inside of the house. Made me think that maybe his magical powers

aren't quite what he's built them up to be. Yeah, David Blaine wouldn't have stood for that, would he? He would have just... I totally agree with you on this, Frank. It's like Paul McKenna. Well, why can't you give yourself hair? Yeah, exactly. It's true, if you can do anything...

They claim magical powers, but when tested... Bald and single, what's going on? Whereas Dynamo, I reckon, he'd have dried the whole thing out in seconds. Yeah, yeah. Sin Dynamo. He's good. He is good. Oh, yeah.

Oh, he's the best. We like Dynamo in the Cockerell household. Yeah. Yeah, I like him. We're going to continue with the email corner. And he's... He downplays himself, you know what I mean? He doesn't wear the top hats. he's um he downplays himself you know what i mean he doesn't wear the top hats that's what i like about him stuff he's just like some ordinary low key one

can imagine him in the street and then suddenly there's a he's took you know you go over and say i keep the noise down you think oh god he's coming at me he's took a coin from behind your ear i don't want to downplay his uh his humility but he has called himself dynamo i mean he's not you know he's not that fast towards a high self-esteem i imagine that's been that's because he likes uh kiev all right yeah he's a big fan now i imagine he's been uh it's been forced on him by people saying whoa you're like're like a dynamo. People... I like the sound of those advisors. Well, because they're the sort of people that go,

whoa! They can't think of any good magical illusion, so they've had to come up with something that you might have on a 12-speed racer. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We're in female corner I believe We are indeed I have another one here

Hi Frank, Emily and the Cockerel I am a girl, not yet a woman I love that reference I am a girl, not yet a woman Is this one of your impressions or have you burst into song? That was a Britney Spears song I saw the film.

Did you? I did. OK. I didn't know there was a film. Yeah, she did a film. Called I'm a Girl, Not Yet a Woman. I don't know if it's called that. Is it Crossroads?

There's songs in it. It could be Crossroads. Oh, yes, I saw the film, too. We'll talk. I haven't seen it. OK. I'm a Girl, Not Yet a Woman in my late... Is that a screening?

In my mid-late 20s. Get it on DVD or Netflix. What did you say then? In my mid-late twenties. And so obviously, Emily Dean is my mentor, paragon, guide in all things. Oh, lovely. Well, me too. Mid-late twenties?

Carry on. We're moving on. Keep reading. I'm determined to use the... Let me see. I'm determined to use the phrase filthy creep more often and was delighted when I realised we both share a love of the dishwasher facial. Oh, yes, I love the dishwasher facial.

It's the quick steaming you give your face. You know when you put your... I pointed out once that when you place your head down in the dishwasher, just when it's opened, you've got to time it correctly, it gives you an instant facial. It steams all the pores. It's great. I do it intentionally's opened. You've got to time it correctly. It gives you an instant facial. It steams all the pores. It's great. I do it intentionally.

Yeah, you've got to watch. Don't you do it? I love it. What about the big knives? Don't get in. Can I just say to our readers, don't get in too far because the big knives,

when they're up, when they're erect, they're dangerous. Okay. You don't want to nigh to the long knives. No. Don't come around mine then. We share a love of the long knife. No. Don't come round mine, then. We share a love of the dishwasher facial

and say our mobile number in the same rhythm. Oh, yeah. X, X, X, X. No, no, no. X, X, X, X. X, X, X. X, X, X. Yeah, that's what I was going to do, but less tunefully.

Does the team have any further tips on how I can become more like Emily and thus increase the number of nights moves i've well i i've got one go on is yeah i've got at least one oh i think um one thing that you might feel from listening to emily on the radio is that she's has tremendous grace and poise but i've walked up with her now to We go for brunch after the show. Yeah. And I would say, on average, she falls over three or four times.

I actually, one week, I actually, I was holding her shoulders, walking her up the road, and she was going, I was like an over-eager assistant. I had had a bottle of vodka, to be fair. She drinks heavily during the last link. No, I did feel that that I was working at a faith healing session and I was going come on you can walk, you can walk. It was like that.

Come on you'll be fine. It was like that and I don't know what it is. I presume it was the shoes but they weren't even your mega heels. No I think it's just sometimes you have an issue with rain with these heels so it wasn't one of my finest moments. I like it. I like to think it's a deliberate mistake frank as you always say in the persian

carpet oh yeah yes exactly everyone needs a little fault yeah i would say if you want to be more like emily um just reply sure without looking at people when someone asks you a question would you like a biscuit sure just turned into some sort of comedy roasting. Yeah. Sure. Comedy roasting. Does the team have any further, and thus increase the number of nights, moves sadly lacking in them at the moment? To give you an idea of my taste, a potential suitor doesn't have to have fancy skills like the ability to jump onto people's faces,

but I'd prefer he didn't eat onions like apples. Oh, yes. Now, what we've got here, we've got in deep, deep radio references. That's Joe Darby, the black country man who used to jump on people's faces and off again, his own child. Yeah. And baskets of eggs and water. And we've got Peter the Wild.

Peter the Wild, do we? I don't know if it was an apple. That's brilliant, deep references. You know what, Esther, your nights are my nights. You can have some of mine. There's plenty to go around. They're mainly from the Birmingham area, but you can't have everything.

It's difficult to have. We know when people have types. People say, oh, they're not my type. I mean, it's a weird... I mean, I would have always said my type was a sort of very heavily waxed Billy Idol. And then I've ended up with a sort of Jane Russell sort of pneumatic brunette.

So it's difficult to have a checklist. I think you just, you know, it happens. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio Earlier we were discussing you driving with your fuel light on for a considerable time We've had a text in from Helen

Deaf too stressful I can't even drive with the window wipers on extra fast because I breathe the same rate as they are going That is because you're going to hyperventilate and slump at the wheel. Maybe that, if only George Michael had had that excuse in his quiver.

That could have got him out of a lot of trouble. Well, he can keep it up his little sleeves now. Oh no, he's clean now though, isn't he? Who doesn't indulge him? I don't know. Well, I believe so. When he woke up with a west country accent he had an epiphany oh yeah remember that that's right he decided enough is enough yeah um in an appropriately camp fashion simon monday has tweeted us he says i am the master of the twisting ankle curb wobble rarely do i manage a stumble-free stroll i'm emily hashtag spartacus i like that i wonder if uh

simon favors a kitten heel maybe yeah i i'm a fine if i go over i went over on my ankle about three weeks ago properly went over on my ankle what did you have on a david pleat slip on i just said a david pleat slip on. And I went over and I thought, I really felt that I was on the very verge of breaking my ankle and just crossing the road. Imagine that. Oh, and I... What was the shoe?

I suspected more of a brogue? You know what? It was just, it was a slight brogue, but it was a slip-on brogue. Okay. If you really want to know. I do. Clarks.

Okay. Nice. There's another know. I do. Clarks. OK. Nice. There's another text that I'd like to read. I try not to read out the... Occasionally... Get me Clarks. Sorry. Occasionally we get text messages that are abusive.

This isn't in that category, but it is... Do we get those? Well, every now and again... I should tell you all I don't look at the text in case we get abusive and I become... Every now and again. Downcast. But all I don't look at the text in case we get any abusive and I become upset and downcast. But you pick up on it. I don't feel wounded by this, I just want you to know. But we've had a text from Scouse Ian saying,

is it me, Frank, or does that bloke on the radio with you sound like Dennis Norton? Or has he always got a Murray Mint in his mouth? Do I sound like I've got a Murray Mint in my mouth? No, but you do sound like Dennis Norden. Do I? And he's from Liverpool. So he says. Well, he's Scousean.

I mean, they should stick together, the Northerners. It's basically making a point. I like you distancing yourself from the regionals. Well, you know, I'm very much in no man's land, in the middle of the country. So the North-south divide. I always feel for the Midlands. We are the very cement, if there was an Adrian's War.

Do you know what? Sometimes I thank my parents for the London ticket. Yeah, you've really won the postcode lottery, didn't you? I love Alan's accent. I think it's smashing. I love your accent. What's that poem about? About the ambitious English lecturer who's ashamed of his wife.

He's ashamed of his wife, and then it says something like, her bargain casseroles, her love of sad films, her regional vowels. Is that today's texting? I like it what is that poem if you can identify that sounds like I wrote it absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio

I did say I don't read out the abusive text but we've had one that's oh no don't start reading it it gives and it taketh away. Frank, you are indeed a funny man but your taste in music is appalling. I don't think I agree with that. Make of that what you will.

There'll be people listening to this on Absolute 80s and Absolute 90s and all that and they'll think actually that's right, it is terrible. I listen to Absolute 80s sometimes, I love it. My girlfriend, she loves Absolute 80s. Oh, so do I. Oh, we'll get together.

Greg Rogers... Does he? ...has tweeted... I don't see why she'd text us to tell us that. Sorry, carry on. Greg Rogers... Yeah. I'll say it again,

has tweeted us with a photograph of his petrol tank and it's right on the gauge. Oh, wow. And he says, nearly on the light, good times. I love that, Greg. Life on the... Should be life on the hard shoulder. I love Greg.

Yes. I do. I'm not saying that. I love Greg because it's the name I give to the stuffed animal head on my wall. It is. Greg? Yeah. Where is that, then?

Is that in your study? I don't know what it is. Can you believe I've got a head on my wall? Is that in your study? Yes, it's currently in what I now call the library. Or is that that room with three books in it? Yes. And a load of boxes.

It's got lots of books, but mainly boxes. The library. Me and Kath always live as if we've moved in the day before, no matter how long we live in a house. I rather like it. It makes me feel relaxed and I like it. Yeah, so I've got... A friend of mine was emigrating to America

and she couldn't... She has a collection of stuffed animals, but you can't take stuffed animals to America unless you've got the paperwork. Yeah. You've got to prove where they were killed and how. Yeah, this is the basis of so many episodes of Nothing to Declare.

Is it? Some. Anyway, I... So I took um she gave them all to her friends and i had i had the biggest flat so i got the biggest head but it's got big horns but um i call it greg that's just it's named after the false name i i had when i opened a account for a baker's i won't go into it. I opened the account years ago. Can you open accounts with

false names? You could in the 80s. Oh, really? This is a dark story. I'm starting to wish I hadn't gone into it yet. I'm intrigued. There might still be money in it. Is it a dormant account, this fake one? Inland Revenue.

I thought that was a woodpecker. It frightened me to death. I thought there was a woodpecker loose in there. Can you imagine that? It'd need to be 15 times in a second that you hit it like that. Remember we got the text last week? Or the week before, whatever it was. Hey, we haven't talked about the cheerleader this morning.

No. Don't bring that up, will you? That was Greg's business. No, not that cheerleader. Oh! The one who's suing her parents. Did you read about that? Oh, yes.

Yeah, this is from the You Couldn't Make It Up section of the newspaper, isn't it? She's 15 years old. Is that all she is? Yeah, I believe so. She says her parents abandoned her. They clamped down on her. That's not the first time someone who works

in radio has said that. Is that all she is, 15? Oh, God. Sorry. I'm sorry. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Joe Johnson says,

As a scouser myself, I feel I can't comment on anyone's accents since a French man once asked me if I was speaking Arabic. Yeah, he had just said that he was going to go for an Italian submarine. That was his thing. So this cheerleader, I'm sorry to bring it up again, Frank, the cheerleader, she's suing her parents, isn't she? Yes. You did establish that.

Yeah. Because they're a bit strict, I think. Is that the idea? Yeah, yeah. And so she's moved in with this other family, who I, frankly, love the sound of. Really? The Inglisinos.

I hate them. He's an attorney. That's where you and I differ. See ya. An attorney? And, um... Is she going out with the son of the other family? Is that...

Is she really going out with him? No. She had another boyfriend that she split up with. And that's the other reason she's suing her parents, because they said she couldn't go out with him. OK. Well, that sounds like a suitable offence. They haven't got a leg to stand on, the parents. what they're being is um parents yeah exactly that's an outdated

idea if i have a certain um you know maybe because her dad was a police chief maybe he's a bit squares right yeah exactly they're such squares she said they forced her to play basketball yeah um they obviously got they got the whole basketball netball thing

mixed up and they made her play basketball and she says like we're supposed to play netball the girls and the dad realised he'd made a mistake

but wasn't prepared to back down and he said we're supposed to play basketball all the time you think that's what's happened oh it's been we've been playing like men

it was like seven foot four knocking her about and stuff. Awful. Spiralled out of control and now there's a lawsuit about it. And she said they gave her bulimia as well. Well, she said they make her sick. I don't know if it's the same. She said, well, they also apparently gave her wine coolers in the back of the limo.

That sounds like my idea of heaven. I know, that's the other family. That sounds like wider of heaven. I know, that's the other family. Oh, yeah, the Inglisinos, yeah. Yeah, no, the Pearmans gave her a limo, made her split with her boyfriend and made her play basketball. I mean, come on. I'm with her all the way.

I'm not. Are you not? Why not? I stood outside the house with pom-poms going, I hate mum and dad, mum and dad, mum and dad, give me an H, give me an A. And then it was like that. Drunk. She's drunk. You know the thing that upsets me about this story the most is that the other parents are bankrolling this lawsuit.

I love those parents. See, I just want it known to any of my son or daughter's friends, parents, that if there's a point where I discipline my children and they then bankroll a lawsuit for them against me, I'm going to resort to physical violence. I'm coming round. I'm coming round.

Can I say we on Absolute Radio do not approve physical violence? Oh, surely in this instance that's totally approvable. Not even in this instance. No. Come on. What, if another parent bankrolls your child having a lawsuit, you've got to be allowed.

Bash them. We still don't approve. No. We really don't. I do. I'm saying it. Maybe I'm a shock job now. He does, but he's not voicing. These are personal views and not the views of absolute radio. Honestly. Come on. And I think it's incredibly reasonable tone. but he's not voicing these are personal views and not the views of Absolute Radio. Honestly. Come on. I like Frank's incredibly reasonable tone

when he represents Absolute Radio. Oh, I'm a company man at heart. And can I say for any friends of Alan's son and daughter listening, if you fall out with your parents, the chances of being bankrolled by Alan Cochran are absolutely zero. Frank

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I want to talk about that other suing story because it wasn't just the cheerleader. Did you read about the man who sued the casino because he said he was drunk? I had a lot of sympathy with that.

No, I did, really. Mark Johnston. He lost half a million dollars in a Las Vegas casino. Who hasn't? Well, I haven't. No, that's the texting. And he said they served him 20 drinks and he drunk 10 beforehand as well.

He's got a thirst on him. You say that. That was a Sunday night for you back in the day. Oh, yesterday, when we were young. Come on, everybody. But he said... So many, many songs. He said that it was irresponsible of them to let him play the tables.

I think if a really drunk man comes in and says, I want some chips... I mean, many a drunk man walks in and says, I want some chips. I mean, I've heard many a drunk man walk in and say, I want some chips. But I mean, in a casino, I think that that is a bit irresponsible, because he doesn't really know what he's doing. So what about that?

OK, I'll tell you why I disagree with you. What about when I drunkenly download Thong Song on iTunes, which I did do? So can I go to iTunes and say, give me that 79p back i didn't want to buy thong song i was drunk i'll give you the money back what about that i'm just so relieved when you said i remember that time i got drunk and i'm so relieved if you don't know it's on youtube i'll give you the 79 pence and if and if it's there i'll give you the money myself are people gonna sue the phone company for when they send drunk texts to ex-boy and girlfriend?

It's ridiculous. Take some responsibility. And what about when I bought that packet of pickled onion Monster Munch? I want that at 49p back. Yeah, they probably owe me for the back. Just invite me. For Alex Turner. He said he'd had 10 drinks before

and then he had another 20 in the casino. Yeah. And he said, about the ones that he had before he said i've got to take responsibility for that and then exact quote but the unfortunate part about it for them is that they have a more bigger responsibility than i do no no they don't no one's got a bigger responsibility for you than you grow up but we have to look after society's drunks if you as he said if you saw a drunk being, having his wallet picked in the street because he was drunk, you'd step in, wouldn't you?

Yeah, but I don't think that's quite the same. If the robber gave you loads of drinks first and you said, yeah, I'd like to come to your house and leave my wallet there, then that's... This isn't a business model that the casinos are doing, is it? They're not getting people drunk. Otherwise it'd be happening every week. Look, the truth is, every time I pass a casino... Come on, it's this week.

Every time I pass a casino in the street, I laugh. There you are. There's something about the idea of a casino. Even the word, a casino. Oh, I'm going to the... I'm just going to the casino. Oh, are you? Because you think of James Bond and you go past all these like fat blokes in leather bomber jackets going in you know you think oh they're going to the casino

have you ever walked past an arcade or casino and said and looked in and seen someone and thought i wish they were my friend no the answer's no i've looked in and thought i wish i'd got my backpack flying from no i don't really feel that I'm happy with them, you know. I just sit there and they make me laugh. People thinking, oh, I'm in a casino. Oh, man. I'm glad they exist. They bring happiness into people's lives.

Yeah, and it keeps you... And sadness. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.