The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Pot or Kettle?

Episode Date: March 10, 2012

Frank, Emily and 'The Cockerel' discuss teapots, splitting the bill and Prince Harry's trip to Jamaica.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Nick Clegg and his tycoon tax.

There's one thing I don't like, it's millionaireism. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Yes, the whole gang are gathered together once more. We're united. Just like in those films when people tear up a £10 note and say, let's meet in 5, 50, 20 years' time

and we'll put the pieces of this together and we'll talk about what's happened to us. That's why I'm here. It's all about the £10 note that we ripped up. Exactly. I knew we'd get you back to get those pieces together. So, yes, it's all lovely. And what else?

Well, before we do anything, Frank, I'd like to kick off with some cab driver news. I'm liking the alliteration. Yes. I had a cab driver recently. He posed me an interesting question okay we were chatting i told him i worked with you i wasn't boasting i should say he was dropping me in this area you were the one that was dropping

he was dropping off you were dropping that carry on and he said he said oh what's that frank skinner like then is he worth meeting? Is he worth meeting? I sensed you were going to do the accent, then you stopped yourself. Is he worth meeting? Are any of us worth meeting, if you ask yourself that? I'd like people to text in, is Frank Skinner worth meeting? This is M-double-E, isn't it?

Yeah, am I worth meeting? I sometimes wonder, sometimes I meet people and think, did I do enough? Really? Did I give them enough? Did I give them a little memory? Give them a show. Did I give them an anecdote? No, I don't know if I did.

A comedian once said to me, he said, they're happy with just a second sentence. Any second sentence. Any second sentence will do um so um i've uh i've been out on the town actually so somebody met me oh yeah i went out with a friend and we we dined there we went to a restaurant a posh restaurant oh lovely but with uh an emphasis on uh sausage oh which you often often don't get in a posh restaurant i see it more as a you know something you might get in ed's diner pitmull butcher's dog oh was it posh sausages

though was it like veal and venison and all that well they were all named after um they were all german sausages they were all named after towns in uh in germany and towns and cities. In fact, there was a, I think, yeah, I think it's alright to repeat this, there was one called the Nuremberger. And I said is that just following the side orders? Which I was very pleased with.

Those of you who don't get that joke, I suggest you tune into Magic. But the next day, about this, this is terrible. I'm a professional comedian. I should be over this kind of thing. So I did the just following side orders gag. It went down well. I was pleased with it.

I woke up the next morning and I thought, Nuremberg's sausage, would just following hors d'oeuvres have been better? Would that have been better? It's the comedian's curse, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Always got the thought on the stairs where you think you could have improved it. And I thought, well, I can always retell it on the radio

and do both. Yeah. But then I thought, I thought that would be arrogant in the extreme. But then I thought, well, it's a German sausage, that'll be fine. It all fits in. So anyway, we got the sausages, me and my friend.

Was it just sausages? No, it came came you know the way german sausages come with things like sauerkraut oh yeah and um and kartoffeln salat yeah i can't apologize enough yeah yeah it was car there was car toff on salad galore what is that kartoffel salad galore was one of the less popular James Bond women. Cartoffel salad is, I keep, every time I say it, it's potato salad. Oh, yeah, yeah. So anyway, we had all this. And my friend didn't eat the sausages. She had like half of one.

Wasn't keen. Oh, dear. She went to the wrong restaurant. Yeah, and then said to me completely unironically i've it's a bit too sausagey now i saw that coming you say i'm not i'm no psychic but i thought i bet these sausages will be a bit sausagey yeah but anyway we were in there and it was all uh all lovely i was having a smashing night and uh she said to me um that that man doesn't look very well. And we looked across, and there was a man with his head on the table,

a bit like that. Have you seen that Breakfast News picture this week? Oh, yes. They're showing a little bit of VT, and one of the presenters is just lying with his face on the desk. He was copping some Zs. Yes, and he was doing it. Yes.

We used to do that at... When I first started school, infant school, Moat Farm Infants in Albury, West Midlands, they used to say about two o'clock in the afternoon, they'd say, like, we're going to have a little nap now, and you'd just put your arms on your desk, put your head up. Brilliant. And I used to just go off.

Really, properly? Yeah, 10 or 15 minutes, just then wake up. Yeah. I was very progressive of them, really. We didn't know what power napping was. But some of the kids said to me they just used to look around, like, slyly look around. Oh, right. I don't like the sound of them.

No, I don't like it. I don't like people looking at me when I'm sleeping. They just wake up and there's a boy staring at you. That's weird, isn't it? Yeah. And there was three compasses sticking in my left thigh. None of which had woken me and they weren't properly cleaned and they were always very adjacent to lead dust

let's face it because the pencil is only the length of a compass away don't get me started on protractors meanwhile back in the sausage restaurant yeah so this man I felt really sorry for him. Obviously, I feel sorry for anyone who's poorly,

but this bloke, you don't want to be poorly in the middle of a big, busy restaurant because everybody basically stopped talking. It was like theatre in the round. Oh, right. He was like in the middle table and everyone just sat and watched this bloke being ill. Was he coughing or just...? No, he was just white. He being ill and he was coughing or just no he was just white he went white and he was he was just he looked awful anyway then they um a medic turned up i mean my first thought was to call a waiter and say what what did that bloke eat which sausage did that bloke eat because that's your first thought you know

but then a medic turned up in a well I don't know about you but do you think high vis is sort of up in the ante a bit high vis seems to be higher than it used to be right yeah yeah it gives you a headache now

it's so high it was all in bright yellow which for me is high vis. But then he had those, like, silver luminous bands all over it. Oh, the panels. Yeah. He was like a solar storm. Had he just got off a motorbike? Was he one of those medics?

No, he'd just gone out of an ambulance. Don't make excuses for him, Alan. I was asking. Yeah, so... Yeah, so... They said the place had got a nice ambulance. Somebody said to me. Maybe I misheard them. Yeah, so there said the place had got a nice ambulance. Somebody said to me. Maybe I misheard them.

Yeah, so there was an ambulance. They came in with a wheelchair. I mean, it completely ruined my coffee and cheese board. Really? Yeah. Anyway, the people who were with this man, there was four people. His wife, stroke girlfriend, went off with him. Stroke PA went off with him. Stroke PA. Went off with him.

The two people left behind, I mean, I hope no-one's listening from the party, but they just sat chatting and laughing like nothing had happened after the poor man had gone off. Well, if the news is in safe hands, it's not Black Hawk Down, is it, where no-man gets left behind? No, if that happened to Frank... He said, what happens on Black Hawk Down?

I might go there. If that happened to you, Frank, Alan and I, I wouldn't stay for the brandies. I might have a coffee. Yeah, yeah. But I thought everyone in the restaurant were looking at these people thinking, you're enjoying yourself a bit too much now

because your friend's just gone off in an ambulance. Where's the concern? Yeah, I don't mind a bit of a laugh, your friend's just gone off in an ambulance. Where's the concern? Yeah. I don't mind a bit of a laugh, but let's see some sadness in your faces. Yeah. Why have you got three after-eights in your mouth at once? Your friend's just been put into an ambulance.

That sort of thing. Yeah. I think they were after-act. They were called, didn't they? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

What else? Well, you're not the only one with restaurant-based tales, Frank Skinner. I've been dining out this week. You've both been dining out. It sounds like you've been telling lots of stories. Who are the Michael Winters? I love it when people say, I've been dining out on that story ever since

have you how does that work right who told the best anecdotes right you don't have to put no no really i'll but no no no no you told the best anecdotes we'll split it three ways you're fine that's never ever happened to me and i've always told the best anecdote even if you say so yourself i have never ever dined out on a story you see i like it when someone's getting the bill and the other person goes they say oh let me get this and they say okay well the next one's on me yeah do you do that i do that before you before you continue this come on what were you gonna say and then they don't yeah yeah um i'm happy to do it but i always the next time i see them, I always say,

I can't remember who paid last time. Oh, God, you have done that to me as well. I have one shot at it. Well, I had what I call a CCSO. Oh, I hate that. Do you know what it even is? No. It's a credit card standoff.

And you get them in work lunches. So normally with friends, obviously everyone's on their best behaviour and doing the whole charade we've just discussed. But in a work lunch... You go for it if you're with friends, is that what you mean? Exactly. But in a work lunch, it's a bit more hostile, I find. So what happens is the bill comes and it's on that little saucer.

It's always on the little saucer. Yeah, I don't like the saucer. The saucer is saying, we don't want this back empty you know that don't you yeah and i had with this girl it came on the saucer she didn't reach for it well i wasn't going to reach for it was it just two of you yes oh dear so we sat there you've blurred the line between work colleagues and friends if there's only two of you surely you've you've had lunch together or was it a work it was a work lunch darling that's what we do in business. I don't understand the business community.

How do you decide who pays for a work lunch? Well, this is the trouble you don't say at the beginning. And you've got to... So I thought, because she gestured for the bill in quite a dramatic fashion, I thought, I felt the onus was on her. She'd said, wait a check, please, or whatever. She's put her name

on it like a defender. Yeah. Mine. Yeah, exactly. Mine! Buy mine! Yeah, exactly. If you do that, or a cricketer, and you do that and then you don't catch it, you've dropped it. Absolutely. Well, that's what I felt. Good point. Not according to her. So we waited.

Frank, that ten minute period with that bill on the saucer, that was the longest ten minutes of my life. It was absolutely hideous. You didn't go ten minutes with it. It was about ten minutes. On about three minutes. Like a metronome.

Yeah. Not tense at all, is it? About three or four minutes in, I suggest scissors, paper, stone. I can't go ten minutes of that kind of angst. No. Well, do you know what, Frank? I was cool as a cucumber. I broke her.

Did you? I broke her. Did you? I broke her. Really? She said suddenly, she did it angrily. She got the card out, she went, I'll get this, shall I?

And threw it down. She threw it on the saucer. Yeah, but the trouble is, are you going to need to have other meetings with this person? No, the relationship is over for good now.

Oh, well, fair enough. Yeah. I can't go back there. Zing. Well, you won. Congratulations. I think, I feel we should celebrate in some way. I'm elated.

Go out for dinner. Yeah. Not with Emily, obviously. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a few texts in.

Good. We were discussing sausages earlier. Someone texted in. Were we? It is a breakfast show. It is, yeah. Was the Nuremberg sausage a product that the restaurant were just trialling? I'm with you.

I refuse to recognise it, personally. And also, Emily's taxi driver asked if you were worth meeting. 143 has texted in, Frank is well worth meeting. Top bloke. Oliver Young, Blue Heaven. Was he in Blue Heaven? Oliver Young? Blue Heaven? Did you write

Blue Heaven? I did. Yeah. Well, maybe he was in it. And he starred in it. Well, maybe that's when he met you. Yeah. Well worth meeting. Top bloke. Great. Top bloke. That he met you. Yeah. Well, well worth meeting. Top Bloke. That's you. Top Bloke. That's the name of my new shop that I'm opening.

Top Bloke. I think Top Man is a bit too hoity-toity. Top Bloke. Get a nice England shirt. Did you just do a version of my accent now when you said bloke? Oh, dear. It's hard not to, to be fair. Not deliberately.

Don't get sniffly about it. Frank, can we talk about teapots? Oh, all right then. What if I want? You start. That's quite Antiques Roadshow of us. I love the Antiques Roadshow. Yes, I thought you would.

I genuinely like it. I knew you would. I find it quite comforting. Yes, I knew that too. I know what you mean. I mean, I loathe it. That's because... I absolutely loat like it. I knew you would. I find it quite comforting. Yes, I knew that too. I know what you mean. I loathe it. That's because... I absolutely loathe it.

That's because our agent also represents Fiona Bruce, the presenter. So we feel strangely at home. Like a statue on the stable, mate. But apparently no one likes teapots anymore. She wears some very... Almost like knitted tops. I watched her on the news last night. Who, FB?

Yeah, she's often in the sort of middle-aged man's crumpet lists. Right. And she seems like a very nice, I've never met her, I don't think. And that I don't think. Is she worth meeting? Well, but she had the thing on last night. It was like, it's the sort of thing you might throw over a horse in cold weather. Was it a bit Jenny Murray?

It was. It was quite, not knitted exactly, but it looked rough, like a rough fabric she was wearing. Oh. Anyway. Linen, perhaps. I'll have to investigate. I don't think it was linen. I think it looked coarse.

Hessian would have been my guess. Hessian blanket. Yeah. He didn't make the Nuremberg trials, of course. Rudolph Hessian. He'd already parachuted into Scotland. Anyway. Anyway, teapots.

Back to teapots. Teapots. No one's buying teapots anymore. Oh, yes, I heard about that. Well, I have a good stat for you here, boys. Oh, I love a stat. I love a teapot stat in particular. Sales have plummeted by nearly 40% in the last five years of teapots.

God. Hmm. That's quite... 40% in five years. You see, I'd have thought the teapot thing had been going on a bit longer than that. Because when I was a child, everyone who had tea had teapots. But then I was a child before the invention of the teabag. Really?

I remember teabags coming out. Oh, I think you told me this before. Yes. Oh, that's amazing. No teas in a bag. Wow. That was the slogan. But anyway, I haven't used a tea.

I never use one, do you? No, I can't bear them. I'll tell you why. I know what you're going to say. You can't clean the spout properly. There's always a sense of filth. Filth in the spout. I'm not bothered by that filth in the spout.

Filth in the spout. What does that song called? Filth in the spell! What does? Filth in the spell! No, there's no song called that. Frank, what does bother me is the last cup of tea in the teapot. I know it's coming and I know it's going to be grim. It's dark, it's tanniny,

it's horrible. It's too strong, that last tea. Well, I do when Al Murray's here and insists on his rider that he has to have a teapot yes a rider is a bit that you put on your contract with extra demands i once saw the kinks rider when i was on the road and their extra demands included oxygen it's the time when you say are we a bit too old to tour? That's what you've got to ask yourself when oxygen is on the rider.

Or they party hard, those boys. We're going to need some oxygen. This is going to be one of our legendary nights. To be fair, this gig was on Jupiter. Just to put this in context. No, Al insists on it, Frank. He said... What did he say, Daisy? He said something like... Oh, she's keeping still.

Did he say, my pot, my rules? Did he say that? Did he say that? No. No. OK. Well, having read this, I feel now I should kind of do my bit for the teapot. I'm thinking I might get one now.

Because I'd hate to see them disappear. What about those ones that look like little cottages? Oh, yeah. Where does the cockerel stand on the teapot. I'm thinking I might get one now. Because I'd hate to see them disappear. What about those ones that look like little cottages? Oh, yeah. Where does the cockerel stand on the teapot? We've got one. Just above the handle. Ours does. We've got a massive one. I stand on it all the time. No, we have a teapot.

But again, I've sort of stopped using it for some reason. And we've got a tea cosy but it's not knitwear anymore. It's like a firm space-age plastic thing. Yeah. And it's almost as though the teapot has agreed with you that knitwear loses its shape and it's only good for one wear.

And so it's gone for firmer plastic. And also I also used to find with the, I don't know, the ones we had. You know you get the tea cosy, we didn't have the full one. We'd have the one with the hole for a handle and hole for spout. Yeah. And they get a bit singed around those two holes. Yeah. A bit stained as well.

Yeah. We didn't go for the full one. We went for the sort of the tank top. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So I am, I'm fascinated now by this tea bag in cup versus teapot thing.

Because one thing is the whole idea of loose tea. You know, loose tea. I love the idea of loose. Loose in what respect? Freed? Liberated from the bag? Is that what we say? As opposed to louche.

Yeah, exactly. Louche tea. What does louche mean exactly? Well, I'll put my own views on that. No, louche, I think of it as a little bit sleazy, I think of it. Sleazy, yeah. But what's the word when, like, the French people used to be very... Immoral.

Yeah. What's that word? You know, sort of... Oh, God. Forget it. Loosh. Stick with loosh. 371 has texted in,

we also have a blue knitwear cosy with hole for handle and spout. So it's good to know that, innit, that they've got a knitwear tea cosy with hole for handle and spout. So it's good to know that, isn't it? That they've got a knitwear tea cosy. But who knitted that? I wonder. Yeah. Was it bought? Was it bought and knitted?

Or did somebody... Is there someone somewhere who knits tea cosies? Hmm. Is it in those pale blue Man City colours? Because I rather like those. Oh, do you? We've had another one. Two, seven, five, come on you baggies.

Which I rather like. Is Oh, dear. We've had another one, 275 Come On You Baggies, which I rather like. Is that a tea bag celebration? Yes, I think it is. That's very, very excellent. I hadn't got that. I just assumed that was a football text. I thought it was tea bags. I doubt it because we're not playing today,

so it probably is a tea bag thing. It's football. It's non-football. Right. There used to be a lot of tension in our house when the tea... My dad used to shout, Up and down, up, up, up and... Up and down! Up and down! Because when you pour the teapot, if you pour it straight out...

Right, just out, it's still a bit weak. But if you pour it and then go back and then pour and then pour... Oh, right. Then the tea sort of circulates and it gets a bit stronger. But, oh, God. Up and down to switch it about. Up and... Up and down to switch it up up and down so anxious that's what that put me off my mum i remember saying that if she could have any item

in the world her dream thing would be a see-through teapot and she said yeah she said the idea she always used to go on about it sort of uh i think she liked the idea of sort of being behind the scenes in the tea making world and she used to say you know wouldn't it be great to just watch the tea steadily getting strong you'd know exactly um when it was strong enough yeah and you'd be able to watch the... I wonder if you could use, like, you know those... You can get them. Like filter, like they use for filter coffee. You know, the jug that you get on a filter coffee machine.

You can get those for tea. I think you can get them. Yeah. I think you can get them nowadays. A teapot with a little window in it. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Just so you can see what hue it's at. I think she once said to me,

imagine watching the teabag swirling like starlings, she said to me. Yeah watching the teabag swirling like starlings, she said to me. Yeah. People had smaller dreams in those days. Nowadays, with the rise of Britain's Got Talent and the X Factor, people want to be major, you know, millionaire stars. Yeah, exactly. Frank, I've been told off. And a man called Frank, he's another Frank, he says, hi Frank, I see you're making another guest appearance on the emily show oh oh oh um yeah i like it this way i think emily's brilliant

so i'm happy so shut your face frank that's my advice um well thanks for sticking up for me frank but on this occasion you're ill-advised um okay i tell you what we used to did you used to have this when when the teapot arrived at the table obviously it's very hot so what did you put it on oh a skillet did you have a little uh like a metal yeah that's what we had it looked like it has looked like it's been made by isambard kingdom brew now it's like a little oh heavy really heavy metal stand used to be on the table great and used to go on that yeah see that's all gone now you can get get them made, like, sometimes they're different shapes. Sometimes they have, like, an internal tile in the middle of it with a picture of a teapot. Oh, yes, I've seen that.

With a picture of a teapot, so no one could be confused. Frank, that sounds very past times. I bet you could get that there. Oh, yeah. It's your favourite show. Close now. I'm afraid past times is past times. Yes.

As are his wetards, the tea shop. Is it? I think. I think. Now, you see, that kind the tea shop. Is it? I think. Now, you see, that kind of thing, that's going to cause a share rush. That'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy because people know we're shares in wittards

listening to this. They'll think, oh, I knew those Stephen Fry adverts would bring the company to its knees. Actually, that was Twining's, wasn't it? But they did it just by association. Well, you've just brought Twining's down as well. It's so terrible, the recession. You can't name any company.

If only all the brokers didn't listen to Saturday Morning Radio to take their tips. I know, I feel now we've caused trouble. If you've got any good teapot anecdotes... They'll take up 140 characters or fewer. Yeah, do text us on 81215. We'd love to hear them. And also,

I hear Capital Radio is on its knees. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, we're discussing teapots on Absolute Radio this morning. Sounds like Absolute Radio. The teapot advert. We really are. It's teapot week on The Breakfast Show.

And we've had lots of texts in on 8.12.15. Andrew says, I have a Dalek teapot. My wife hates it and we've never used it. The tea comes out of its gun. Oh, brilliant. Nice action. See, you could have had a novelty teapot. It could have come out the socker because if you'd put

little holes around the socker then it would come out like a watering can. Oh, yeah. That'd be brilliant. Or a shower head. But what are they holding it by? Because there's nothing on the back of a Dalek. No, that worries me.

You must have all thought that. If there'd been a handle on the back of a Dalek Dr. Bate would have had them in no problem. He'd have just been running along with about six of them like a man with a lot of luggage. Put me down! It'd be great if they had a speaking teapot, wouldn't it. Put me down! It'd be great if they a speaking teapot, wouldn't it?

Up and down! Up and down! Yeah. So, uh, yes, that's that. Now, what was the skillet debate? Well, according to the Cockerel, he says that that...

I think according to the Cockerel could be a great Radio 4 show. I'm working on it, even as we speak. I think you should. That piece of architecture you were talking about, which holds the teapot on the table... The Isambard Kingdom, really, now. Yes, the Cockerel says there's a name for that, and it is Cockerel. I'm sure it's called a skillet.

But you use one in the kitchen as well, don't you? It's like a... Skillet. It's almost one in the kitchen as well, don't you? It's like a... Skillet. I know the word. It's almost like a raw iron placemat. I'm sure you're familiar with shortening bread, are you? The song. Shortening bread.

Mamma little baby like... Can you do the voice? Oh, yeah. Hold it. Can you do the voice? No answer. That's risky. Mamma little baby like shortening, shortening...

And there's a bit that goes... Bring out the skillet, bring out the lead Mama's gonna make a little shortening bread Now why is she gonna bring out the teapot stand To make shortening bread, whatever shortening bread is I think skillet is a catch-all term For a thing that you put hot stuff onto So you would put like a hot pan on a skillet

You're going Lazy Susan now No, no, no, that's a different thing. We've just had another text in with a picture of somebody. People are sending pictures of their tea courses. We've been inundated, Frank. It's like Blue Peter here. I don't think there are enough photo text-ins on radio. I've always said that. Frank, I bought a teapot in Cambodia.

Pol Pot. Oh, dear. Should have read the end of that before we met, shouldn't I? That's good, isn't it? Pol Pot. Yeah, yeah. Unless you really think about it. Well, yeah, but you don't want to think about it

too long. Well, I think... Well, I think it's called a skillet, so there. OK, well, Sandy Warne was gesturing to me some skillet mimes, but I couldn't quite work them out. Oh, was she?

Yeah. Oh, she is. She's suggesting it's a frying pan with her couldn't quite work them out. Oh, was she? Yeah. Oh, she is. She's suggesting it's a frying pan with her mime. Oh. Yes. Oh, dear. Don't you think, you listeners, that Sandy Warani does the news?

She's a source of information, big time for us. Definite reference points. What I would like to know is, don't you get a tea bag that's got the string and then the cardboard branding square? That's what I call it. Yeah. The cardboard branding square,

which for some reason has often got the corners taken off it. Yeah. You know, they take the corners off it. Health and safety gone bad, haven't they? One of the children could lose an eye on that cardboard branding square on the teabag. Is the idea that we're supposed to use that string and the cardboard branding square to tether the teabag to the handle of the mug?

Oh, I don't like people that do that. I've seen it done. I've seen it done. Yeah. But I'm not a fan. Aren't there also some teabags where you can pull on that string and it sort of squishes the teabag? It tightens.

It squishes it off. There is. I've seen that. They're very elaborately... It's like a Japanese bondage movie. The string... Pardon? Apparently I can't say that. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, can I just say... You are in disgrace. Can I just say to our wonderful listenership, stop texting us saying that it's a trivet, not a skillet. We know now. Don't weigh this.

This is you. Oh, we've just had quite a few more in, as you said that. In fact, we've never had this many texts or emails. It turns out if you really want to hear from people, get something wrong on it. Oh, you did brilliantly there. I told you, Sandy War's mime was a frying pan. I'm quite pleased by someone saying,

Frank, a skillet is a frying pan. The word you are looking for is trivet. I like the fact that they've given you this. It's me. I hope that they're listening and giving me the credit for your jokes whilst giving you the credit for my mistakes. That'd be great. If you'd have seen Sandy War's mime, it looked like

Pancake Day in the Recession. Somebody having to mime frying pan work. She could have been good on Give Us a Clue. Yes, the cockerel said that the stand for a teapot is called a skillet as in bring out the skillet bring out the lid um but no what's it called it's a trivet and as warren

quite rightly points out a skillet is a frying pan with ridges in its base well in a way we all are yeah i wouldn't it be uh i'm gonna bring out a website selling these items, second hand, called Trivit Pursuit. Nice. In which I get Victorian ones and I get my mum's iron out. It's another thing, my mum used to, she had a metal iron, it was iron it actually was iron and the eyes was it placed on the fire no she put it on the on the gas ring on the cooker wow and heat it up and then iron with it you really are from the past i am from the past sorry to interrupt you guys we've had some updates on the dalek teapot great news this is from Andrew. Can it go upstairs?

Andrew says, we've just had a look at the Dalek teapot. It's very dusty. The tea comes out of both the gun and the plunger. What? Two-pronged attack? There is a big handle on the back with exterminate written on the back. Oh, I see what they've done. The wife would throw it away, but it's worth over a thousand

pounds. Really? What? Yes, that's what Andrew've done. The wife would throw it away, but it's worth over £1,000. Really? What? Yes, that's what Andrew says. Worth over £1,000? Apparently so. Wow. Wow. That's brilliant.

I don't think any fact has stopped this show. I'm just thinking, how much is my Cyberman lemon squeezer worth? Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some... Hold on, at the top of the hour, I have to say, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

That's one of my few nods towards professional radio presentation. You can text us on 8-12-15, by the way. Here's the other nod. You can text us on 8-12-15, but... Oh! It was not at all professional. Do you want me to take over? Oh, it's all gone a bit.

8-12-15? Homeless shouting. So, yeah, I'm going. 8-12-15, if you want to text us about anything. You're going to start fighting us and then hugging us. Let us know if you use a cup or a teapot. Still interested. I want to read my text.

Do, do. This is 516 Ruby. I have a tea shop that sells only loose tea. It's not too sleazy. It's not loose tea. No, it's not. It's not loose. She says it's not too sleazy. No. But we get Dickie Bird in every Wednesday for a bit of green tea. It's not too sleazy. Not loose tea, no. She says it's not too sleazy.

But we get Dickie Bird in every Wednesday for a bit of green tea. Umpire Harold Bird? We keep the Dapsang Souchong under the counter for the more discerning chap. He comes in for green tea? You see, if anyone in the world drank Yorkshire

tea, you'd think it'd be Umpire Harold Bird. Wouldn't you? I can't see him as a green tea man he loves the loose tea shop I love umpire Harold Bird he was the man who you may recall I had a book of celebrities recommending

books to read if you ever read one book in your life what it should be and umpire Harold Bird recommended the autobiography of Umpire Harold Bird. Oh, I loved it. So, Frank, have you been enjoying Prince Harry in Jamaica? No. Oh, dear. Oh, my goodness.

No, I think he went of his own accord. He didn't, of course. He's having a little bit of a... I bet he didn't go on his own. I'm calling it a gap year, Frank. It's a bit of a gap year, isn't it? No, he's in the army, isn't he? He's in the army in the way that people in the royal family are in the army.

In the way that Status Quo are in the army. No, I'd say Status Quo are more in the army. I don't know, I sort of think that... Isn't Prince Harry in the army the way that i'm like an honorary member of the laurel and hardy fan club right okay isn't it i don't know i could be wrong but anyway he's uh he's found some time off to go to the west indies he's immersing himself in the culture he is doing that and i've always found this very troubling i've been to the West Indies and there is an obligation for white people to dance. Right.

Like you think I'd better join in although I think I'm disapproving. Is there an obligation to drink rum and quote Bob Marley? There is. There actually is. Oh God, I can't think of anywhere I'd rather go less than Jamaica based on this evidence.

Well that's it, in truth I mean, I have West Indian friends and they tell me that the West Indians are a very formal, straight-laced and bookish society. They only do this for stupid white people. Oh, good. I wish they'd drop it. I think, oh, no, we've got to do the... I need to do the voice. I thought better of it. We've got to do the stupid dancing to Bob Marley again.

Some tourists have turned up. I was enjoying our extremely formal tea we were having. Dickie Vose. Yeah, so he's out there doing that thing. He wore blue suede shoes. They were blue desert boots. You see, posh people do like a pop of colour, I find. They love that.

There's always a cravat or a red trouser. Red trousers. They love red trousers. Yes, they love a bit of... They love that. Yeah, but what he's thought here is we're going to be dancing, so I'll wear blue suede shoes like rock and roll. He's got it wronger than anyone's ever got anything in his whole life.

But I think, having a close look, and I'm not one to advertise, but they look like clerks to me. I don't think they were. I think they were clerks. Do you? We know, don't we, from our inside information, clerks use basically currency in the West Indies. Hence the song,

Everybody help me out, so me get me clerks. Everybody help me out, so me get me clerks. Dum-di-mi-dum-dum, somebody get me clerks. You can do the advice if you're doing the song. Sorry, can I just establish that was Frank's insider information he just talked about. Oh, was it? Yes, it's

yeah, so I think he's someone said to him as the ultimate gift, really, they've given him some blue clerks. No. He kind of wore them in a oh elvis he had blue suede shoes and he's a bit like bob marley he can't have thought that can he i think a posh friend said those look great man absolutely wicked they look so good with chinos i think that's exactly what happened i think that's totally what happened oh and surely if he's going to a hot

country pop some flip-flops in the bag wear some flip flip-flops. It's sunny, isn't it? I don't think you're allowed to wear flip-flops if you remember the Royal Family. Or Birkenstocks, German. Appropriate, wouldn't it? Did he quote Bob Marley as well, which made me cringe a bit? Yes, he said, every little ting's going to be all right, is what he said. That was a terrible one. That reminds me of when my physics teacher once said,

so you're able to get into the groove as it were every little thing's gonna he may as well have gone word up oh horrible yeah i say i i do you do find when you're there that you think oh i better i remember dancing do you know that one love i dance and they just kept playing the band, and I thought, I'd better not sit down or people will think I'm racist. I danced for about two hours, 40 minutes. I couldn't see. I'd gone blind. I couldn't breathe. And I thought, you know, I don't want to upset these people. I actually thought these people, which of course gave the game away.

Someone's texted in. Oh, sorry, someone's texted in. Someone's texted in, 685, saying, Russell and Bromley Desert Boots. So, a bit jarred there, apparently. Oh, sorry, someone's texted in. Someone's texted in, 685, saying, Russell and Bromley Desert Boots. So, a bit jarred there, apparently. Oh, are they? I'll have to investigate. When people got stuff wrong, they used to say, a bit jarred there.

No? No. But one thing I do like is... One thing I've discovered from Prince Harry's trip that's cheered me up is that there's a charity called the Shaggy Makes a Difference Foundation.

That's good enough for me. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some texts in. Oh, that's good. Hear my chair creaking? Yes, I can.

Did I hear that at home? Sounds like Jacob Marley's walked into the studio. Frank, stop doing it now. OK, sorry. 3-3-5. I like it when you tell Frank off. He's so acquiescent and sweet with me. He goes, OK.

I wish Prince Harry had been in A Christmas Carol dancing to Jacob Marley. Because if he'd have said every little ting's going to be alright, I think Scrooge would have found that very soothing. You think? Yeah. Ting!

Humbug! It would have been like that. Carry on. Never been a fan of Bob Marley's music. I know you're not allowed to say it. I just don't like it. I just don't like it. Some artists you don't. It used a fan of Bob Marley's music. I know you're not allowed to say it. I just don't like it. Some artists you don't. It used to be good but it's been ruined by white people.

Anyway. They've ruined it by liking it. So much music has been ruined for me by other people liking it. Oh, I have that

about Bob Delort. I used to love M&M. M&M I thought he was great and then everybody liked him. I thought, I had that with Five Star.. I used to love Eminem. Eminem, I thought he was great. And then everybody liked him. I had that with Five Star. Exactly the same with Five Star. I had it with Five.

I had it with Four Star. Everyone was using it. I switched to diesel. You're running a diesel now these days, aren't you? I haven't got it yet. It comes end of next week. New car update. Do carry on.

OK, so we've had a text in from 335. Frank, what's the joke you told Frankie Boyle that made him laugh for a week? It's in his book. Now, this is something I've probably been asked. This is from Anthony, by the way. Sorry, way sorry i've been asked several times this what was the joke you told frankie ball when he left for a week i have no idea oh yeah so i i don't know uh but i mean you know it's great news that must plague you though not knowing which one

well i shudder to think if it made frankie ball left for a week it must be the darkest cruelest thing i've ever said in my life. There's a certain file of your jokes that you can go straight to look through. Exactly. It's probably our best I don't know. I'll probably think, did I really say that? Oh, my God. And then I'd have to get a confession and... ..again. No, I honestly don't know.

Someone's texted saying, I bet Prince Harry uses a teapot. What could it be? Perhaps a crown. And other people have texted in pictures of their teapots and trivets. And I'm hoping that we can put them on the Absolute website. It's a nice thing to do. I'd like to have a look at them because I can't see from this side of the desk. But that's absolutely terrific.

The other thing I noticed about Prince Harry is everyone's been talking about his chinos and his shoes. But I think he's one of these rich people that wears sort of fabric-y wristbands. Yes, he does. Yeah. When I say rich people that wear fabric-y wristbands, for the listener at home, Frank's put his arm up. Oh, no!

And I have a theory about this. I think it's Harry might think that he's on a permanent all-inclusive holiday. I think that's everything he wants. He just puts his arm, oh, I'm Presario, and it just comes to him, doesn't it? Yeah, I bet. What he should do is he should always wear

an access all areas laminator. Because he has, he can do what he likes. Yeah, totally. It's a free pass. I think the worst moment of the whole trip was apparently Bob Marley's widow said to him that he will one day see his mother again. I mean, what a thing to bring up to the prince.

No, she shouldn't have done that. No. I've never liked her. Frank, we've had two emails in. What, Bob Marley's wife or Princess Diana? I won't have any criticism of our Queen of Hearts. No, I like Shai Dai. No issue with Shai Dai issue do you like tie dye

i'll bet you don't no might be shops in camden town a bit like bob marley oh yes see i think of a papi and mache figure with shades on over the top of those shops in camden town smell of mildew all the time oh yeah awfulew, I should say, is a local homeless man. He lives in Camden Town. Geoff Mildew. Carry on. You can hear an email about a rocking horse, or you can hear an email about an Australian. I'm going to go rocking horse as it's one of the

great frustrations of my childhood that I dreamed of a rocking horse and never got one. Wow. Well, we've had an email in and let me tell you, it's exciting news Frank. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, bit of an odd email, but following your discussion

about wanting a rocking horse, I had to write in. When I was young, my grandad made me a life-size rocking horse. I'm assuming that means the size of a horse. How many hands? I think he just had the two. Oh, the horse. Brackets, he was a

very skilled carpenter, close brackets. I like the boast. Isn't that a quote from the New Testament? Which was in his house for his whole life. When he passed away a few years ago and we sold his house, I took the rocking horse here to mine. Since then, I've been trying to think of a way to give it a good purpose. And

genuinely, if you'd like it to be, if you'd like it, I'd be happy for you to have it, Frank. It could also be lovely for your kid when they're born. It would be great. How dare I put a newborn child on a full-size nightstand? On a fully supported. I think he's assuming that you would keep health and safety in mind. We're thinking face and hands peering over the top of a saddlebag. Yes.

With me in the saddle. How great, though. But he's then said, it would be fantastic to observe the look on people's faces when I whip out the Frank Skinner has my grandad's rocking horse anecdote as well. Yeah, it's a one-off. Not so much an anecdote as a sentence, though. No, but it's a head-turner.

Yeah, he could dine out on that for years. And then everyone would just say, is he worth meeting? Is he worth meeting? It's a head-turner. Yeah, he could dine out on that for years. And then everyone would just say, is he worth meeting? Is he worth meeting? It's a head-turner, as Linda Blair would say. Now, there is a sting in the tail of this email. Just need pick-up slash delivery money. What? Or you could send someone here to Oxfordshire to get it.

What? That would be great. That's fine. You could send your assistant, like your Alan Partridge or something. I've actually, in my... Delivery money? In my...

Oxfordshire? No, that's fine. You get a free rocking horse, life-sized, one-off. Anyway, luckily, in my subterranean garage, I have a rocking horse box. Do you? Yeah. Made for this very purpose, on the off chance.

Some wooden hair at the back. Maybe I could just at the back. Maybe I could just ride it back. Just giving it a nudge each time. But is it actually, is it like life-size? Is it the size of a real, fully-grown horse? Oh, Frank, that'd be amazing. That can't be right, can it?

Like one of the greats, like Alder Neety. Like the one, yeah, like the one from the Danger, Danger Danger High Voltage video? Aren't they on a giant rocking horse? Have I made that up? I think they are. I'm prepared to say, if you do pay the money for a delivery van, I'll go and get it. I'll fetch it for you. Oh, can I sit up front in the cabin? TV documentaries have been made on less than this, haven't they?

No, but I'm trying to remember now. Can the cockerel go and get the horse? Or does that mean that the fox eats the hay while you're away? It's complicated. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in on 8.12.15 from a sad, posh person. Oh. He feels he's being discriminated against. Right. It's from, his name is Gaston Devriant. Okay. He says, I have to say, I'm deeply hurt about this comment.

After all, I presume he's talking about posh people and their colourful clothes when we're talking about Harry. After all, we are normal people with about posh people and their colourful clothes when we're talking about Harry. After all, we are normal people with feelings, although we do hide them. We like our pink v-neck jumpers and pink socks. We do send our children to Sandhurst. It is the thing to do, after all. We are a minority and we are being discriminated. Just joking.

Of course we're a bit ridiculous and over the top, but it's all for a good laugh and we can take it on the chin with a smile. How lovely. ridiculous and over the top but it's all for a good laugh and we can take it on the chin with a smile how lovely well i should say i started this show today by condemning nick clegg's tycoon tax because i said it was millionaireist also i regularly have a go at the lower orders and the down at heel on this show i think there was a joke about someone a homeless person in camden being called Mildew earlier. So I like to think I spread it around a bit. Gast, is it Gaston? Yes. It can't be Gaston, doesn't that mean waiter?

No, that's Gaston, darling. Oh, sorry. Is that the sort of thing, Gaston, and I get irritated? Sorry, Gaston. You saw the text messages when I got skillet and... Oh, can you imagine? Can you imagine all the French people texting him? I think he's right

though. I think it's very easy, isn't it, to have a go at the posh people. Yeah, and sometimes really good fun. Exactly. Let's not deny that. I think he acknowledges that. I mean, some of them are so posh it's near enough a disability. I saw a very posh woman trying to get into one of those

train toilets, you know, with the sliding doors. And she couldn't. She kept pressing the wrong button. And so the door of the train into the cabin kept opening, but the toilet door kept remaining shut. And she practically harumphed at one point. She kind of... Really, she whinnied.

That's what she did. We've had another good email during the week, actually. Two more Australian listeners. Hi, Frank, Emily and Holly. Oops. We too listen to the show in Australia. Surprised to learn it's a breakfast show, as my husband Rob and I listen to it every night

to laugh ourselves to sleep. We usually miss a great deal of it and have to work out the next night, at which point we slipped into unconsciousness and then listen from that point again. The two podcasts usually last us all week. Before you, we listened to The Archers. Now that, I really like.

What are they called? They're called Sarah Eagland. That's her name, surely. What's her husband called? He's not called Eagland. Didn't you just say his name? Rob.

Sarah and Rob, wake up! Wake up! If you don't wake up, you'll miss the next track. Wake up! I think that probably did it, didn't it? This is Frank Skinner absolute radio now frank it was quite a big week for football i would say well actually for our friendship i can't believe emily actually uh she actually texted me about football this week something that has has never happened. I sent him a footy text. I said, yay, baggies.

A footy text. Yay, baggies. Yay, baggies. Did you like it, Frank? It was, yes, I did. I enjoyed it very much. What happened, for those of you not interested in football, is I supported a team called West Bromwich Albion

from the Midlands, and they beat Chelsea, who you will have heard of. And so it was a big deal. Exciting and all that. And I had, interestingly, in that game, there's a thing called the technical area. Do you know what that is, Em?

Yes, I do. I'm using you as my name. It's where the gaffer's not allowed. You shouldn't really step out of that box. Yeah, so outside where the managers sit, there's a little box marked on the grass that they's not allowed to... He shouldn't really step out of that box. Yeah, so outside where the managers sit, there's a little box marked on the grass that they're not allowed to go out of. So the manager of Chelsea,

this is slightly out of date now, but he was called André Villas-Boas. Yeah, he got... AVB, he's known as. He was completely ignoring the technical area. Oh, no, wasn't he? He was standing way outside. Now, they have a man called the fourth official, right?

He was a sort of referee having a day off. And all he has to do is sit near the managers and say, can you not... And he holds up the board with the things on the times on and all that. It really is the easiest job. And this guy called Mr Peter Walton, who is a referee normally, he was there. You used his name. Yeah, well, I looked him up because he was so rubbish.

I looked him up on the team sheet. Really? And he was just letting the manager. So I did this thing, you know, when you put your cop two hands over your mouth to make a sort of megaphone. I've never worked out whether it works or not. I started going, The fourth official, Mr Peter Walton,

you are completely neglecting your responsibilities. And he started to look round in kind of a... I feel sick. What's going on? And I'm only sitting about 12 rows back from the dog out. I like that you said it like the fall. Yeah, I sort of felt like some massive responsibility that this needed to... Your fear of the Chelsea manager is allowing him to completely flout the rules. And he was looking around...

Did you shout that? Yeah, I was shouting in great detail. It does sound like the fall. Yeah, everything I shout sounds like the fall. He still wasn't doing anything about it. And then other people started joining in. Really? Not quite in such a formal manner.

What, in agreement or saying shut up? No, completely in agreement. Oh, good. Yeah. And it was... You are neglecting your duties. It was all stuff like that. It was like being what they really mean by a social commentator.

They actually commentate on something just going on. You've got to be careful where you do it. You're all right with the football referee. I think you have to be careful just generally because you don't want to be a loud voice from the crowd at football sometimes. Some of those people are idiots, aren't they? Yes. Did you not feel that you were on, I know you were

you were in the right and you know you were but did you not feel like oh I could get drunk on this and really end up that guy send him back. I once watched Huddersfield and they'd just signed a player who now plays in the Premier League and he was brilliant, got man of the match

but there was a bloke sat two rows in front of me all the way through going, he's rubbish, send him back, send him back, like he knew what the game was. Yeah, I know, I didn't want to be one of those, but this I felt was a bit different. And also the fourth official is there to be... Harangued. Yeah, he's harangued by the managers. I'm very proud of you actually, Frank. I've always said that Fort Efficient is basically

like one of those scratching posts you get for your cat. So the managers, rather than shouting at the proper referee, can just shout and abuse him. Like a firewall. But I wasn't abusing him. I was saying it in very cold and formal terms. But that thing about people shouting at... I remember a bloke next to us started to shout out something

about a player being too negative, and he made the big mistake of making a loud public statement before he decided what he was going to say. And he shouted at this player, and he said, Oi, Bradley! Bradley! He shouted at this player. You're about as positive as a negative earth. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I should point out, by the way, in the interest of traditionalism,

that Mr Peter Walton is from Long Buckby in Northamptonshire and I always think referees generally come from places with two names just to hammer home the fact that they were probably the kid who wet themselves at school so if they came from somewhere like

Leeds they sound sort of cosmopolitan and sophisticated but they always come from places like Long Buck. I'm sure Long Buck is lovely, but do you know what I mean? A bit more down home. Saffron Walden. Saffron Walden they might come from at Merthyr Tydfil. Milton Keynes.

Yeah, all that. Go right through them. Milton Keynes might be too big for them. Bishop Stortford. I've never been to Stortford. I don't know what it is. Maybe if you live in like a small picturesque town, you think, oh, I'd love a job that involved a flag.

I could be wrong. Frank, we've had a text in from Paul. Oh, Paul. We were talking about... What, that alien from the movie? No. We were talking about your soon-to-be, your rocking horse, which has been offered up,

if you can pay for the delivery costs. I'm happy with it. It's still a bargain. I don't know why you're so touchy, but don't put him off. Paul says, Frank, me and my grandad once put a lawnmower engine on the back of a rocking horse. We ran it down the street,

but it didn't end well as I broke my leg. I love that. Irresponsible grandfather. What am I supposed to draw from this? Oh, I'll do that then. I like the cheeriness with which it starts and the pain with which it ends in the space of a short sentence.

It's great. You'd like Samuel Beckett. It is indeed. We've had another email in during the week actually, Frank. It's HiGang. When Frank says if the good Lord is willing and the creeks don't rise at the end of the show, I always say it with him, which is quite ironic at the moment,

as the creeks have risen and 75% of NSW, New South Wales, is in flood, which is about the size of France. That's a big old flood. That's a big old Flood. That is a big Flood, yeah. And that's from Amanda Taunton. Well, um, OK. So there. Well, I'd better be careful what I say.

Well, look, anyway, Not The Weekend podcast is available to download from Wednesday. I said that in a sort of a jaunty way. You said it fast, as if you were trying to beat the timing on, like, a voiceover. Yeah, exactly. I thought there was a hint of the Dalek teapot about it as well. Mark Crossley is next. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise anymore, Amanda, we'll be back this time next week.

I love you all. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.