The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Problem Pets

Episode Date: January 14, 2012

Frank, Steve Williams and Laura Solon discuss home injuries, problem pets and Lady Gaga's new found hobby.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you about how you can get 2 for 1 tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a 5 night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there too. But, I've run out of time. Frank, Frank, Frank Skimmer, Frank Skner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Laura Solon and Steve Williams. Good morning. Good morning.

Welcome, Steve. First one of the year. This is my first one of the year. Isn't it the second one of the year, though, isn't it? Yeah. 50% hit rate this year. And Laura's back with us again. Welcome, Laura. Thank you. And we arrived about 7-ish.

We've been sitting around chatting and reading the papers. And what should happen? Page 7 of the Daily Mirror, the following headline, too fat for a cat scan. We can use the horse scanner at the zoo and this is uh the story of someone who um the cats i had a cat scan actually not that long ago you go in a little it's like a big um hula hoop yeah um tremendously boring aren't they i mean the snack food rather than the exercise uh thing it's and you go through it on a little slide.

I know I'm selling it. People are thinking, oh, try the cat scanning. I can't afford Alton Towers this year. But this person went, was it a man or a lady? Well, it's several people. Oh, it's several people. It's overweight patients. OK.

Plural. One of my favourite card games. Yeah, you just put the cards in the folds of the person you're playing with, rather than on the floor. Yeah, so they were told that the CAT scan, which is the normal scanner, the human being scanner, let's call it that now, at the hospital was a bit too small for them. So they had to get in an ambulance and...

Took them to London Zoo. And, yeah, they had to go to the zoo for their scan. That's got to be humiliating. Well, I don't know. Lying in your hospital bed. I imagine that they're quite philosophical about it. They always knew the zoo was just around the corner. They kept on with those hobnobs.

It was a one-way ticket to the zoo. Remember that, anyone listening, having a big fry-up? Imagine, it's like when you get a new prisoner in one of those prison movies, and all the other prisoners, when they arrive, are sort of dragging their metal cups against the bars and catcalling, I say, a lady. As you go into the zoo, you can imagine the chimpanzees sort of dragging their metal cups against the bars and catcalling as they're led in.

As you go into the zoo, you can imagine the chimpanzees giving you such dick when the fat person arrives for their scan on the horse scan. Why is there a horse scan at a zoo is what I'm asking. Yeah, why is it not an elephant scanner? Do they have horses in the zoo? There are no horses at London Zoo. No, exactly. That's why the scanner is sitting there free. There's a mix up there.. I tell you, there's a

mix up there. I have a terrible feeling there's... I suppose the zebras are alright on it. Yeah, they're a good fit. Yeah, they're a pretty good fit. There's a picture in the mirror of a horse on the horse scanner. It looks incredible. He's trussed up and on his back. He's all tied up and

his tail has got a glove on for some reason. It must be a particularly cold day to put a mitten on the tail. Because you know that tail tip, if that gets cold, you never get warm again. I find that. What are they scanning it for? The horse. I think they're trying to find the jockey on that one.

It's a bit of a pile-up at the race, and it all got mangled together. No, it is the idea of arriving to use the horse scanner. It says here that some people are transported on low loaders and taken to the... I mean, that's the day you join Weight Watchers, isn't it? I think if they're going to use the horse scan, that people should have to travel in a horse box looking out that slot at the back. So you're driving to the match, and so there's some fat people on their way to the horse scan.

Yeah, so they've already got the nose bags on. It's, oh, if ever, no, I think we, as a nation, you know, obesity is a big problem, and I think we need motivation to try and... We will horse-scan you. Yeah, and if the New Year's resolution isn't working as well as you thought, let's do it the other way. Rather than positive thinking, I want to be thin,

think I don't want to be on the horse-scanner. Carrot and stick. Yeah, though... More stick. They're not going to be attracted by a carrot. What about Mars bar and stick? Donut and stick. Then you don't need the string

you can just have the mars bar on the end that would be lovely but i mean but the horses the horses must be a bit miffed having to queue behind well they're in peak physical fitness as well exactly and there's their scanner but they're thinking it's bad enough when those people ride us and now they're using our medical equipment. And those people ride them as baddies. Exactly. Imagine when you get on it and they say, you're being strapped onto the horse scanner. And they say,

you don't need to use those two leg straps. They'll be over for you. Oh, no. Just put your forearms in those. Oh, no. Please. Please. Please, no more. No more people on the horse scanner.

Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. It makes you wonder what kind of creature the cat scanner was originally planned for. Anyway, look, I had a slight... I had an accident this week. Yeah. Were you trying to get on the cat's skin yourself? No, I... It was a shower-based accident. I hit my head in the shower. Yes, I know what you're all thinking. Is he that old?

He's not one of those rails. Basically, shower-based injuries are for the elderly, aren't they? Because it came with such a horrible shock, because the shower, I find the shower to be a lovely, comforting, warm, steamy, soapy... It's your friend's shower. Exactly, yeah. It's not like a cupboard door which you leave open above your head.

No. And you don't think of it in the sharp edges front. But there are taps, of course, in the shower. There are. And some showers are evil. The ones that are wired up to other taps in the house. And someone opens the other tap, and your shower goes scalding hot. There are, and some showers are evil. The ones that are wired up to other taps in the house, and someone opens the other tap, and your shower goes scalding hot. There are evil showers. Yeah, I don't

have one of those showers. The only problem with my shower, if I had to be critical of my shower, I could do with a bit of an anti-lime scale thing on it. And it's got an overhead, what do they call it? They call it the rose, the thing that the water comes out of. It's got I think they call it that. it's got an overhead what do they call it? They call it the rose.

The thing that the water comes out of. It's got, I think they call it that. That's quite poetic. That's certainly what they call it on a watering can. It's the same principle, let's face it. So it's got very limescale-y. I don't know what limescale is. So some of the oils are a bit bonged up. Do you know what you do?

Wash your hair with Calgon. With Calgon? Calgon. What is that? It's a limescale remover for your washing machine. Oh. Well, maybe I could just put that on my rose. Well, that's up to you.

I know it sounds like it could sting. No, I... I... What's happened is the water used to come just straight out of these holes and now they've gone all limescale it's like it's gonna be um jean mel jean michel jar laser show there's two that just hit the door now two of the jets so when i open they i'm hit before i'm wet before i get in the show but i can live with that but what happened is my cleaner very kindly bought me some soap for christmas and i've ever

comment i don't think so i think it was a she said i was just looking around your house at things that you um needed and i saw i saw um you know there was a there was a opening in the soap area but she has bought me the biggest bars of soap i have ever They're like transistor radios from the 60s. It's a two-hander bar of soap. Now, that makes you very anxious when you're in the shower, because if I drop this, I'll be in hospital. With a broken foot. Well, there are many tiny bones on the top of the foot, and I've often wondered about this with big soap,

but I've never had soap this big before. So, anyway, I was washing away, and it was at the stage where the edges were just starting to come off the soap. You know when you first have soap, it's got sharp edges? Yeah, yeah. And then about halfway through the shower, it's like a relationship.

The sharp edges turn into nice, cosy, rounded, slippery edges, and you can relax. Yes. And of course I took my eye off the ball. Did I mention that part of the show? No. And I dropped the soap and I thought, oh, my immediate thought was the foot. So I went down to catch the falling soap and I hit my head,

I mean, properly, nearly knocked myself out, blood on the shower floor, like in Psycho. A domestic horror movie. Well, more of a Domestos. I could see Domestos from where I was. I was on the road to domestos. Did it, when your life flashes before your eyes, did your what-am-I-going-to-tell-the-doctor flash before your eyes?

Sure, the first thing you think is, I've got to get a towel around me before you call the help. I slipped on a cocktail gherkin last year in my kitchen. Well, that could happen to anyone. And I landed really... What, is it Christmas? No, it was just, it was a cornichon, that could happen to anyone. And I landed really... What, is it Christmas? No, it was just... It was a cornichon, I think they're called.

And I slipped on the floor. And my thought was, when I thought I'd broken my bottom, because it was very painful, I thought, what am I going to tell people? Because I think this is not going to elicit sympathy. No, I slipped on a cocktail gherkin. I mean, thank God the cocktail stick wasn't through. You could have been skewered i think my first thought was i'm gonna have to get one of those rubber mats yeah yeah and then that is the end isn't it that was like you need a chair then you

want a plastic because when i'm in a hotel and there's one of those rubber mats in the in the bath of the shower i remove it immediately and it's like you know it's like it's like pulling an octopus tentacle off a fellow diver's back you feel like you're being correct but i love the sound but to live with the rubber mat i couldn't cope with that so it was um it was shocking and it was a little um intimation of mortality i felt come with me on this Absolute Radio With Frank Skinner Frank we've had an incredible text in How about this for a text

Someone's saying Frank Limescale That's bad You've only had your shower a year How weird is that Well That hadn't occurred to me That I have only had it a year

But that person is correct How marvellous it is That there is a listener who knows when I have my shower. That makes me feel like I'm wrapped in their inner warmth. Unless they live in your flat and you don't know. I don't think my girlfriend would know how long we'd had the shower if I asked her now, face to face. She'd say, I don't know, ask me about the shower. Ask your listeners.

Shut up. That's what she'd say. But that's a good point, no. So you've only had your shower a year and it's already suffering. Well, I mean, I don't know. What is the Lime Scale timescale? No. That's the question.

No, well, is it me? Steve's looking at me as if there's something limey about me. I am a limey, of course, in the old traditional term. You've got some solutions to it. 0715 says the best thing for limescale is citric acid. I don't like the sound of citric acid. 5491, Frank, soak your rose head in vinegar overnight. Job done.

Isn't that what we do in concours? Yeah. Job done. It's not what you would conquer. Yeah. Yeah. The trouble is with... Let me paint you a picture of my rose head. It's not one of those that's on like a spindly metal tube

that you can move about. You know, it's fixed. It's fixed. And it's fixed to the ceiling of the shower. You need a vinegar nose bag. Yeah, well, you do. I mean, quite a big one. It must be a foot across my rose head.

And certainly when it's fully displayed. I've never heard it called a rose head. That is what it's called, honestly. I think it's the same for ornamental fountains. It's all the same principle. Large disc, holes. And, I mean, I could just get a normal tap, I suppose, and hang a colander under it.

Yeah. That's just occurred to me. I never thought of that before. But, or I could maybe run it through a teenager's face and it'd come out the spot holes. Oh, sorry, everyone. You've all looked at me in slight disgust. So, I don't know how I can...

What if I just put vinegar on it with a J-cloth? That's not going to work, is it? That's not been an answer that's been texted in. But someone said, get that showerhead descaled or you could be harbouring the Legionella bacteria in it. Oh, now that's... In it, as in... In it? No, just in it.

Legionella, of course, is the female legionnaire from Marvel Comics. And if you've seen a sort of bossy girl in desert clothing. On a quite saucy camel. Harbouring on your rose. I don't want to do any harbouring, obviously, not in my own shower. Well, that's... I'll get that sorted. I think what I used the... I've got another shower in another property.

We won't go into details. Wouldn't that be the height of extravagance? Changing properties to have a... Yeah, it's quite a distance as well. It's got a robbery rose head on it. Robbery. The actual nozzle-y bits are

rubber rather than metal. And that, I just flip them individually. And now I just, I flick them individually. Yeah, that's good. And you can flick them into a perfect stream. So they're a bit, you know, they've got the twisted stream and I flick them and suddenly they're smooth and lovely. I can't do that with a metal rose, Ed, it won't have it. I need vinegar and I need it now.

Malt or balsamic? It just says vinegar. Someone else has said spirit of salts. You can use spirit of salts to clean the shower. Spirit of salts. Spirit of salts. I love the... That is brilliant, isn't it?

Spirit of salts. It's like essence of summer. Yeah. Spirit of salts. Sounds like a nice air freshener. Yeah, it's got a lovely alliteration thing to it as well. It does. I like the way your shows turn from entertainment

to a sort of home help. No, but I find this entertaining because I didn't know... When I woke up this morning, I had never heard the phrase spirit of salt in my life. I feel better for learning. And now that is lodged in my vocabulary.

And if that ain't what radio's about, then I'm... Sir Gerald Nabarro. ain't what radio's about, then I'm... er... er... Sir Gerald Nabarro. Absolute Radio with Frank Skimmer. And another thing that happened to me, and this is

a very recent development in my life, I went to a mate's house the weekend and... Is that a recent development? Well... Friendship? It is. Visiting. I did a lot of visiting as a child.

We used to say, my mum would say, Sunday we'll do visiting. And that's what we did, we visited. And no one had a phone, so we turned up at people's houses, many of them weren't in, so we visited someone else. Trespassing. Well, it was visiting, ideally. ideally depends what they wanted you to come on yeah it was a proper thing that people did let's go visiting imposing i like the idea of visiting

with no noun on the agenda yeah it's just the verb we'll visit and whoever we visit is not that relevant what do you do at the weekend? Tons of visiting. So, my friend, what I've developed in later life, and this has only just been the last two or three years, is a cat allergy. What, out of nowhere? I discovered it in the dentists. I was stroking the dentist cat. My girlfriend was in the chair in an adjoining room.

Were you a Bond villain? Yeah, I was a Bond villain at Yeah. You did sound a bit... I was a Bond villain at the time. In a dentist chair as well, swivelling around. But Daniel Craig forced me out. As part of his family's vendetta against me. You visited him too much at the time. You'll know that Rachel Weisz stole my cleaner.

So I have a long-running feud with that family. Anyway, stole actually might be a little bit harsh. She lured. So, yeah, so I went to the mate's house. Yeah, the cat allergy. I was stroking the dentist's cat, and I heard my girlfriend laughing hysterically in the chair in the other room, and I thought, I didn't think they still used that gas.

But she was laughing that I'd sneezed about 100 times in two minutes, which I hadn't really noticed. What was the dentist doing your teeth? He was doing my girlfriend's teeth. I was in the waiting room playing with his cat. Ah, right, yeah. You see, you get it? Yeah, I do.

You get the geography? Yeah, it makes sense. OK. Anyway, I went round a friend's house, and they've got a cat with long hair, and I think it knows. Teenage cat. I think it, yeah, exactly.

Hippie. It's got it all combed forward like a One Direction member. And I think this cat knows that it makes me sneeze and cry. Oh, they sense the words. They get, it got closer, and I felt it was shrugging its shoulders a bit in order to emanate dander. You know, to get the dander up. To get my dander up, certainly. You know, it's the dander that's the problem on a cat.

Is it? Yeah. Dander, it comes from the same root as dandruff. It's skin bits. The cat's skin bits are in the air. And that's what people are allergic to. And that's what people are allergic to. Yeah. So what happened then? Did you have a reaction?

Oh God, I just sneeze and my throat hurts and what you want to do ideally is when your friends are out the room, scotch guard the cat really quickly. Just keep an aerosol can in the thing. Or maybe, you know, you can't turn up with a bin line. With a window. So it's

I'm going to have to stop going there absolutely no yeah it's it's part of my long problem with cat it started as a child my dad used to say um of course the cats if a cat um if a cat urinates on a uh on a, uh, on a plant, dies immediately. So the dog... Why did your dad say that? He did. He'd say, this is why we, his argument was why we had a dog, right? Because there'd be a debate about why don't we have a cat? And he'd say, well, because if the dog, if a dog urinates on a plant, it's fine. Lives forever.

It's fine. Did you live in a biodome or something? In a tree house. Did you live in it? My dad was a great defender of dog urine. One of its great champions. One of its great champions, exactly. Dog urine, I think it would be anathema, if it wasn't for people like my dad singing its praises.

And then I lived with a woman who had a cat, and I remember the first night she moved in, I said, oh, the cat's in the bedroom, just get that out. She said, what do you mean? I said, the cat's gone into the bedroom. She said, no, I always have the cat in the bedroom. And I said, oh, no, I can't have the cat in the bedroom. And it was really quite a, you know,

well, I'm moving out then type of an argument. It's a big... Me or the cat. The cat in the bedroom. And it was really quite a, you know, well, I'm moving out then type of an argument. It's a big... Me or the cat. The cat in the bedroom. They, um... Don't they emanate poisonous gases at night or something? If they wee on you, you die. Well, exactly.

Immediately. But the upside is if you get it on your shower, it'll remove the limescale. Well, there's obviously, there's, um... Yeah, there's pros and cons with the cat in the bedroom scenario. I'm not denying that. Don't they use up more oxygen

at night? We have our cat in our bedroom and I'm still alive. Is it plants that use up more oxygen? I think I read somewhere that purring takes up five times more oxygen than breathing. Really? Yeah. What about smoking?

Well, a cat who smokes and then purrs. No, I simply wouldn't tolerate that. I have my limits. But, yeah, so... I've got mixed up. Is it plants that emanate poisonous gases at night so you don't have them in your bedroom? I thought they released oxygen. OK, well, I don't want to...

It sounds like if houseplants released poisonous gases at night, there'd be more gas. No, I think you released oxygen. Okay, well, I don't want to... It sounds like if houseplants released poisonous gases at night, they'd be more desperate. No, I think you're right. I think they release good stuff at night. They release oxygen, and that's why you don't want cats in your bedroom, because if they urinate on those plants, they're dead. I think we've got there.

I think we're there now. It sounds like science. Yeah, now, we have that basis. Now, then we can move on. But you've got to get your... I think people are going to text in after that. Let sounds like science. Yeah. Now, we have that basis. Then we can move on. But you've got to get your... People are getting a text in after that. Let's get the facts. Let's get the facts straight to start off with.

Frank. Frank. Frank. Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. Skimmer. My headphones have gone, so I'm having to use the producer's headphones,

which means that that sort of coily thing that you have, not coily me know, the coily lead the coily lead that you have is against my throat it's quite dangerous Brummie for Kylie Imagine, imagine getting completely choked We've had a text in Frank, people

have been responding to the cat thing, I hope the dentist cat was called Macavity That is That would be neat He could have had another one called Phil People have been responding to the cat thing. I hope the dentist cat was called Macavity. That is excellent. That would be neat. He could have had another one called Phil, too. Which is nice as well. Yeah.

Not as good as Macavity. That's fine. Someone else has texted in to say... Macavity. Never top a classic, Steve. Someone else has texted in to say, plants nick your oxygen and put out carbon dioxide at night so you were right they do i thought oh i've got this person you don't want plants or cats in your bedroom nothing in your bedroom okay nothing all rose heads nothing farce and there's we've had

another one that says that the pollen from lilies kills cats. Dave from Croydon. Dave from Croydon says it like he knows. That sounds like graffiti to me. Pollen from lilies. That'd be brilliant graffiti, wouldn't it? I urge you all now to go out and spray that on a nearby water. Is that legal to it?

No, you can't incite graffiti. Oh, exactly. Just do it in your own homes. Is that true? Ironically, because they use lilies at funerals when the damage has already been done. What do they use at cat funerals? I think they use shovels. All the cat funerals

I've been at. I've been at some very, very... I just looked up then and that story about the horse scanner was on the TV screen. It's following me around. There's another great horse story in the news this week. Oh, yeah? It's in the mail about a lady on a remote Scottish island

who keeps a horse in her semi-detached house. And my favourite thing about the story is the horse is called Grey Lady 2, named after the woman's first pony, Grey Lady. That should have been... Not the number 2, 2-T-O-O. It's not T-O-O. It is. It's Grey Lady as well. Oh.

Oh, I see. Clever. Her neighbours are outraged that she's keeping a horse. I don't think she's keeping a horse. Because they don't like it. It's the Mail Online's suggested pun, the unwelcome horse guest. It's only there awaiting a scan.

Yeah. There's a lot of fat people on the island. Yeah. You see, I had an idea that it was illegal to keep a horse in a house. It doesn't say... It's her house. Why is it illegal to keep a horse in a house?

You know, it's one of those... It's difficult to say. Yeah, one of those bylaws. You legal to keep a horse in a house? You know, it's one of those... It's difficult to say. Yeah, one of those bylaws. You may not keep a horse in a house. Well, I imagine it's dangerous for the horse, isn't it? You know, stairs. Can they walk downstairs? No, they can't go upstairs.

They can go upstairs and not downstairs. Oh, they can go upstairs. That's what their fireman's policy is. Cows can go upstairs but not downstairs. Then they are destined for heaven. How beautiful. Or the sports department. Is that right, that cows can only go upstairs? I may have just made that up.

I like the idea of that. I think they have difficulty going downstairs. Imagine thinking, oh no, who built that abattoir in the basement? Now we're going to have to get a big cow lift. They don't have to combat a lot of stairs in their daily routine, cows. Well, now only from passers-by. No, that's... I don't think it's illegal to...

There are house horses. There are miniature horses that people keep indoors. Guide horses. Tiny horses. Tiny, but this is a proper horse. This is a full-size horse. What is it, a shy horse or something? No, it's a dapple grey. A dapple grey. Hence its name, Grey Lady.

And she said, this is my own property. If I want to even keep an elephant in the house, I can. What, Jumbo too? Jumbo also. Jumbo again would be a good one. That would be a great name. Jumbo the sequel. Jumbo again wouldn't be a bad name for a novelist, would it?

It's not the only pet story that's been in the news this week as well. They're saying that, according to the Telegraph, dogs cause three family arguments every week. No, the average dog causes three family arguments, so there's some that are doing better than that. Yeah, and some that are docile to the extreme. In fact, they're peacemakers in many ways. Someone's just texted in to say rubbish on the cow

fact, so I clearly have made it up. Well, hold on, they could be wrong. Unless it's some sort of... Hang on, we should vote. There's three of us and one of them. 3-1. My made-up fact, is it right or wrong? I want to know more about the list. If it's a herdsman... Or a cow stair manufacturer.

A stair lift for cows. Yeah, the dog arguments. According to the Telegraph, spats range from disagreeing about who should take the dog for the walk, feeding them too many treats and humanising your pets. Which I think means women and men.

Is that like enamelling? Humanising. Yeah. which I think means women and men. Is that like enamelling? I can imagine. I don't have pets, but I've had arguments about pets. As I've already said, I've had some big cat arguments. What about tigers? Cats, bats. You ever seen cats, bats? The buttons on them are very tiny.

And the strap that normally goes under the heel, it's like webbing, so it goes under each toe. It's quite... When we used to build dens in the summer, this kid I knew had built, he'd trapped a

pigeon in a cage that he'd kept in the den. And I said, why, it's a bit cool keeping the pigeon and he said I'm teaching it to talk and it was one of those moments and I thought do I tell him or because he was quite a violent boy

and I didn't want him to set about me but he he would go grey bird grey bird grey bird hoping that it would repeat it. And I thought, if I was going to teach it to talk, I wouldn't want it to just do a simple description. Very slow progress as well, aren't they? For the nearsighted, there was never any, I don't even recall a...

Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Steve Williams and Laura Solon, and yes, I'm eating a biscuit. It did sound like you were eating a biscuit, I'll be honest. You know what? I'm not eating one anymore. Nice. Matt is one of the joys of swallowing,

which is actually the title of my new book. But they said I couldn't uh best not mention it on on air so anyway hey frank we are uh do you see the story this week that uh because it's the dart semi-final today ted hanky versus uh christian i can't remember his last name is it kids christian kissed christian kissed that's a beautiful name it is a beautiful name isn't it sounds like something like a painter or a fountain. Yeah, it's very pretty. It's something, of course, that I seem to remember Susan Boyle's never been.

Isn't that what she said? Never been kissed. That's what she said on her first ever appearance. She said something like 51 and never been kissed. Perhaps she meant Christian Kiss. I was talking about how she'd never absorbed his essential humanity into her own.

His spirit of salt. But Ted Hankey, I like the sound of. Oh, he's fantastic. Yeah. The vampire, Ted Hankey. I've seen him play darts, he's brilliant. He's called the vampire, is that his nickname? Well, they've all got characters.

Yeah, they're like the wrestling. They all have an alter ego now. Which is so funny. Yeah, but if you're called Hankey, you want to cash in on that a bit, don't you? Ted the Kleenex Hanky. Yeah, Ted the Sneeze Hanky. Ted the Sneeze. Yeah.

But it's because that darts thing. Guess who's playing darts? I read in the paper this week. Who do you think's playing darts? Well, I saw... Celebrity. Yes, I saw a picture of... I've seen it.

But it wasn't a real photograph photograph so I'm not totally convinced is it is it Lady Gaga Lady Gaga is playing darts in California in a league of pubs I love the sound, it makes me wonder what Lord Gaga makes of her eccentric behaviour you know he keeps

a low profile but I bet he sits at home in the manor house thinking did I make a mistake when I married her? My parents said, well, she's dreadfully common. And she's only after you for the title. And, you know, I mean, you never see them together, do you? No. One wonders if they're estranged.

She's in California. He's in the manor house. Yeah, wherever that is. I don't know. I don't know where Gargar manor is do you i've known a few people with a gargoyle so yeah so she's uh she's played darts lovely it's incredible can i just play darts against her i played darts against uh phil the power taylor there's another one with the middle name phil

the power taylor yeah uh see but he the power is is better than um what's he called the vampire yeah see the trouble is he sounds like Ted the vampire hanky a bit like there's Buffy the vampire slayer and then there's that bloke who just wipes their noses Ted the vampire hanky and uh that You don't want to be known as that, do you? Because I imagine there must be moments when, if you've got Qatar, vampireing is a horrible

business. You can't breathe. You can't breathe when you're taking the blood out. You know, you're going, come to me, mate. Oh, no. Could you put some in a glass? I can't breathe today. It's terrible.

Yeah. So, yeah, so I played with him. And he said to me, I want you to hit treble 17. I said, okay. And he said, I'll give you ten quid if you get it really so I really took really took my time

and through and I just I was very close just the other side of the wire and he said now that's where you have to throw every dart you throw

when you're a professional in practice and in tournaments every one like you did with that one like you're about to win ten quid. And it's a great philosophy for life, isn't it? Doesn't he earn a lot more when he wins?

Yeah, but if you've thrown every dart like that, even in practice, I thought it was something very beautiful. He then went on to tell me how he nearly lost his MBE after he was found fondling two women in his motorhome after an exhibition game in Fife. I bet there's a story you thought would appear on radio. No, I didn't know where to look, I'll be honest with you.

I mean, I thought, I'm seeing too much behind the scenes. I like a bit of behind the scenes making off, but I didn't want to know about the ladies in the motorhome. Anyway, I suppose we've all got that secret life going on. Can I just say, if my girlfriend's listening, I haven't. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, we've got a text in from Paul in Glasgow. The best dance name ever, Kevin the Artist Painter.

Oh, that's good. What a great dance name. Yeah, I've never heard of that one. Kevin the Artist Painter Oh that's good What a great darts name I've never heard of that one Kevin the Artist Painter It could be called the Decorator No too many Yeah Too many there

Kevin the Decorator Painter Harking back to your Kevin the House Painter Yeah That would have been quite good Harking back to your I'd drop the Kevin I wouldn't bother with it at all

Sorry Your friend and the pigeon story oh yeah I've had an email from Alex it says dear Frank and the gang regarding Frank's obsession

this is just about childhood endeavour not about pigeons regarding Frank's obsession with levitation when I was a child I used to have baths and put my head underwater

for as long as possible in the belief that humans could breathe underwater somehow it was only that no one had worked out how to do it yet he's a pioneer i also i often thought you know that there has not enough research has gone into that whether we can whether we can't we've just we've just sort of we've taken

it on face value but i've never i've never properly tried it i bet no i bet loads of her i'm not can i just say I'm not urging any of our listeners to try and fight it out and breathe underwater. But it hasn't been properly explored, that. Then he continues to say... I bet... You could learn it. Yeah, I bet that the snorkel industry has put pressure on the government

not to do that research. Lobbied hard. Yeah, because the snorkel industry would be on its knees. It's worth millions, the snorkel industry. Yeah, God, I mean... It's worse than big tobacco because the snorkel industry would be on its knees It's worth millions, the snorkel industry Yeah, God, I mean It's worse than big tobacco, the snorkel industry I don't know how many people would Well, I think there was that time when people used to smoke cigars through snorkels

And I think the Monopolies Commission stopped that Otherwise it was just tobacco and snorkels were running British industry Sorry Otherwise, it was just tobacco and snorkels were running British industry. Sorry. No, he just carries on to say, I also used to spend ages in phone boxes, convinced that there was a special Bond-esque number you could dial before a proper number that would give you free phone calls. Ah. I was an only child and had a lot of time on my hands.

Oh. That suggests, doesn't it, that only child only number what what is the plural for only child children only children yeah surely you wouldn't have only childs no but you wouldn't have would you say there's several only children in this country surely you would would you because children is a plural of child this this will be something people can text in for. You wouldn't say, I'd like to know how many only children there are. It sounds like people who are only children, that's all. They're not anything else other than children.

They never manifest themselves in animal form. It's like I want to know what the plural of Elvis is. As in when you see more than one Elvis at a convention. Isn't that just Elvis's? It can't be Elvi. Surely it's Elvi. No. Surely. You have to add more letters on.

It's Elvi. We had this debate. I remember a while back, I got very worked up about computer mouse and what you'd call two of them. Surely it's mice. It can't be. Why not? It can't be.

Are you dismissing it like breathing underwater? Out of hand? I'm not dismissing it like breathing underwater? Out of hand? I'm not dismissing... I think breathing underwater is... When you said he spent a lot of time in phone boxes, I thought you meant full of water. You really took it to all the extremes. Wouldn't it be brilliant, though, to define it that we could?

He just hadn't... You know, we'd just accept it, though. Well, like getting a cat allergy later in life. Yeah. You've suddenly getting a cat allergy later in life. Yeah. You've suddenly turned a skill on. Yeah, it's less of a skill than breathing underwater, though. I don't know. I can't see me being brought in by MI5 for my cat allergy.

Do we hear anything else from our beloved? We had a few cracking emails, I think, this week. We had another one, which says, Frank, here are a couple of pun-based TV shows We had a few cracking emails, I think, this week. We had another one, which says, Frank, here are a couple of pun-based TV shows that need to be considered for your list. I like these. Can I say, these are based on the idea that some TV shows only get commissioned

because people come up with, like, a punning title. Yeah, yeah. And I think you were pointed out earlier, Laura. Yeah, there's a new programme on Sky called Mod Men, in which Johnny Vaughan looks into mod. What? You're not selling it. And if there hadn't been a programme called Mad Men,

I don't think that would exist. I really don't. We'd have to call it Johnny Vaughan's Mud Looking, and that's less of a good title. It's just, yeah, first mod. It would be another pun on something. Yeah. The email says, Frank,

considered for your list to be commissioned purely on the name. Number one, Down to Abbey. A short ten minute debate on a topical subject judged by Abbey Clancy. What about Abbey Titmuss? I thought that would be a more natural fit.

Yeah, and Happy New Year. So it's... Nice. Happy Titmuss. Down to Abby. At the end, ultimately, the debate is down to Abby to decide. Yeah. It's brilliant.

I love it. The second one is a series of documentaries featuring a famous outdoor adventurer who each week grills a different type of food using a small barbecue with a series finale of him actually grilling a bear. It's called Bear Grills. Aye. Open brackets, grisly, not polar. I have to say, that one hurts me a little

because I had a bit of a Bear Grills incident this week. I think I'll tell you later. It was Bear Grills stroke Carol Vorderman incident. Yeah, imagine it. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. We've had a text in from a woman. We were talking about dogs causing domestic disputes earlier, and she says her dog operates in a sort of a Solomon-like capacity

in their local neighbourhood. Neighbours and couples bring their problems to the dog and he decides, like Judge Judy does, and brings actually peace and harmony to the neighbourhood so we shouldn't forget the conciliation service ACAS role that some

dogs have in their local community. I've made this text up, but it's a text I wish someone had sent in. I was talking about Carol Vorderman and Bear Grylls. What happened, and this is an occupational hazard in the comedy business, but I've been hosting a panel show. This is my TV work, which I try not to bring up, something that really is the squalid side of my career. But I've been hosting a panel show,

and I had Carol Vorderman on as a guest, and I started, we were talking about camping and how she hated camping. With Carol Vorderman? Yeah, not camping with Carol Vorderman. Well, obviously, she always camps with carol vorderman yeah uh not camping with carol well obviously she always camps with carol vorderman yeah being carol vorderman but i said i'd gone camping with bear grills and um i was gonna go on to say they aren't anywhere near as good as the george foreman's nice but i said well i went camping with bear grills and she's all what was that like i imagine he

you know that was quite stressful because he'd make you do quite difficult things and i thought i'm gonna hit you now i was i was on my way to the george foreman and obviously this can happen in any panel show but it was it was she didn't mean it wasn't a deliberate ploy a block but i felt like it's like you know when you're driving and a small child walks out into the street it's not his fault but you know it's it's a terrible um scary moment there's my story what was camping with bear grills like i didn't go camping with bear grills it was the i said it just so i could do the george forbes see you who's signing you on? Me or Vorderman's? Vorderman's. Why? Why?

What are you doing? Sudokus and detox. Sudokus and detox. Sudokus and detox. With Carol Vorderman. A novel by Carol Vorderman. On an unrelated topic. Yes. Can I bring in an unrelated topic?

Sorry, I know it was an odd story, but I needed to tell someone about it. It's been rankling. It's very hard to get any kind of comedy counselling. I don't know if you've found this, Steve, or Laura. Any comedy problems, they aren't the specialists. We should go to Solomon the Dog for arbitration. Yeah, exactly.

I don't know if he does comedy. I'll have a look at the... Solomon, it's your business card. I've got it on the court board. Solomon the dog. Domestic problem solved with canine wisdom. Does he worth once for yes? Canine wisdom, of course, is the dog that lives with my dentist.

Sorry, Laura. On an unrelated topic I have to realise in the new year that without formally planning it as a life strategy both myself and my husband

have been washing out jars jam jars, condiment jars and then putting them in the cupboard we've been stockpiling them empty jars we've got stockpiling them empty jars we've got we've got 10 to 12 empty jars in our limited cupboard space and i'm wondering if this is the start of of hoarding i'm so presumably one of you did it and then the other one i don't know who did it first it's it's a it's a synchronicity i suppose if you saw one in there you'd think well

obviously they're collecting jars. I better... And I was going to throw some away the other day, and I said to myself out loud, I was on my own in the kitchen, I went, oh, no, I might need that for something. Yeah, you can't throw a jar out. Everyone likes a jar. Really? Even though we have a recycling bag right next to the washing machine. Did you say that?

Yeah, I went, oh, I might need that for something. I never... You know what people often talk about? Oh, and I say, oh, I might talk to myself.. I never, you know when people often talk about, oh, when I was at home, I talked to myself, and it's like a thing that people say as a confessional, you know, I talk to myself in the house, I'm a bit of a character. I never, ever talk to myself out loud. Isn't that like being on a sponsored silence all of the time?

I don't know, I think, I'm starting to think I'm slightly aloof. Don't you get on with yourself? Yeah. You're in a huff. Yeah, I've tried to, I've tried to a huff. Yeah, I've tried to. I've tried to broach. I've tried to make chit-chat.

I won't have. I simply won't have it. It'd be good if Carol Vorderman stockpiled damn jars in her cupboard. Yeah, to the point where she couldn't get out to any panel shows I'm on. Then you could call it Carol Horderman. That could be a title of a Sky One show.

Let's have a break after that and we'll come back to the jars. Frank. Frank. Frank. Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. What were we talking about?

Oh, yeah. Jars. Yeah. Jars. I like the idea of hoarding jars. I think they're great. Do you know what I think you should do? You should wash out a Marmite jar and then take the labels off it and put something that shouldn't be in there, like butter or something.

Because there's something macabre about a Marmite jar. If you opened that and served it as butter, it'd be like, it's evil butter. It ought to be called macarbite. That's what I say. Macarbity the cat. Macarbity the cat. We haven't put anything in the jars. I don't know what we're waiting for. My dad used to save jars, but he used any shed he had,

like in the screws. Cat urine kills jars. And things. Pardon? Cat urine kills jars. He stopped doubling the cat urine. He kept them full of dog urine for medical emergencies. For saving plants.

Yeah, the plant doctor. He was down at us. Him and Solomon used to stroll the area solving problems on the spot. The antidote. No, I've always... I don't know why we don't drink out of jars. There used to be a thing that people in extreme poverty drank out of jars. But they're perfectly...

And in some hipster restaurants. Yeah, they've got a nice sturdy lip on them. And also, you can take the lid off, and it's like they've come with their own coaster. Yeah. Or you can keep the lid on if you're eating outdoors. It's a flask. In the manner of a stein. A biscuit rest. yeah or you can keep the thing warm keep the lid on if you're eating outdoors like a sky in the in the manner of a stein a biscuit rest a biscuit rescue it could be yeah it could be

colder if or if you wanted to try the tea to see if it was acceptable you could just pour a bit into the lid and drink that like they did like when they try the wine in the restaurant no but i'd happily i find all my glasses, once they've been in the dishwasher, they've got, like, serrated edges. Really? They're jagged, so you've got to be really careful with my glasses that you get the right spot. I imagine you've got...

Yeah, they are. I have to say, if visitors come and we give them a glass of anything, you know, try not to drink out of the end that makes you bleed. Is what we say. Yeah, my mum's a hoarder my mum's a hoarder except my mum like at least you hoard jars which are of use my mum hoards she's got he hoards calendars old calendars the past when yeah when are they ever going to come into play she hoards the past. I can understand that. I suppose all the... I don't know how old your mum is, but...

Old people hoard the past. They do hoard the past, don't they? She does it actually in a material fashion. I respect her for that. Anyway, if our listeners hoard anything interesting, actually, I'd very much like to hear that. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Frank, we've had a series of text messages in berating me. anything interesting actually i'd very much like to hear that absolute radio frank skimmer frank

we've had a uh a series of text messages in berating me so i feel i've misled your fans of the show uh re ted hanky it's not the vampire it's the count a lovely double meaning double meaning because um darters have to count. I prefer the vampire. Yeah, but let's get the facts right. Yeah, it's not factually maybe if someone else wants to become a professional darts player they can take the vampire as their moniker. So today, in case you're wondering, Ted the Count, what do they call him?

Ted the Count Anki is playing Christian the seldom kissed in today's, I think it's the semi-final isn't it semi-final yeah i don't know there's any other semi-final but i bet i know what they look like and then on the subject of hoarding um uh text from my uh from zoe who says my dad hoards waxed cotton hats and bearing in mind bearing in mind he does not fish and so would not wear one wax cotton hat,

I think having eight might be excessive. Now this raises a question. When does a collection become a hoard? Is eight a hoard? Well, I think a hoard is something where you just don't want to throw it away rather than you have a desire to collect it. I mean, on the wax front, I use this hair wax stuff, you know, as product. Grooming.

Do you say product, though? Do you call it product or wax? No, I say, where's my, I never say where's my, because I know where it is. And also Catherine says, I don't know where it is. It's your product. But they come in lovely little neat tubs and they last for ages because i know you use much hair wax but when you get to the bottom of one it does seem a shame to throw them away so i've got a couple of empties that i have washed out in in the bathroom cupboard they're small but i also i think if i ever develop say

you know for example a drug habit keep me pills in there when I'm travelling. Or if your teeth stop falling out. Yeah, I think I've gone through that phase. They were all taken away by a small woman with wings. Don't know what happened to those. But I've got... We're talking about coasters. I'm obsessed with coasters.

You might not know this, you two, as you haven't been on the show 10 million times, but every now and again, something will happen to me where people put something on a wooden table, a hot cup on a wooden table without a coaster. I'm glad you meant it. I get so upset about it.

Why? Because it damages the table. Do you have an extensive collection of coasters i have quite a lot of coasters what's your favorite coaster well i've got um i've got a series of themed coasters which are which are fall album covers oh that's now the fall the fall is my favorite uh let's call them a group and yeah so i've so I've got those. I'm quite pleased with that. But I... Oh, God.

Recently, on the coffee table in our lounge, a circle has appeared, and I'm not happy, and my girlfriend is in denial. But who else? Who else? Or the person that lives in your flat and knows about your shower. Yeah. Ooh, that's a thought.

I forgot about that person. And then there's the me that won't speak to me. Well, anyway, I'll question all of these. This is one thing I hate about... You're like Poirot. I hate this about the Olympics. Don't you think the Olympic logo subliminally encourages people to not use coasters? Or use those Rubik's Magics.

So you'll eventually... People are... They don't know it, but they're subconsciously building an olympics logo on their coffee table do you think people will do that this summer to celebrate not in my flat they won't not on my watch not on my coffee table obviously doesn't sound quite as impressive it's not on my watch doesn't have the double meaning but you know double meanings i'll leave to um ted the count Hankey, the master of the ambiguous nickname. Hey, Frank, we've got another text in, actually, it's quite funny. Derek Okora, this is for your TV programmes, puns,

that should be commissioned on their title. Derek Okora and David Dickinson in Bargain Haunt. Derrick Okora and David Dickinson in Bargain Haunt. Anyway, if you'd like to... Who is that from? It doesn't say. 474. 474 yourself. Thank you, 474.

So you'll be able to download... Oh, my watch has come undone. You'll be able to... I'm going to take it off. I can't get it off. I've swollen. I've swollen mid-show. You've been a right trooper today. Headphones that have been tight.

Yeah, I can't. I'm struggling. The producer's just looking at me. She can see me struggling. So, Not The Weekend podcast is available from Wednesday, and you can download that. It's a completely different show. And Mark Crossley is on next. Don't help me now. it's too late now.

You are like the man who watches someone drone in, manage to get themselves to the bank and then go over and help them. That's what you're like. So anyway, that's about it. Thank you very much. Laura, you're off to LA next week.

No, Utah first. Oh, you're off to L.A. next week. Yeah, no, Utah first. Oh, you're off to Utah. Okay. Good. And so thank you for... It's been great having you on the show recently. Steve, always a lovely pleasure to have you on. And we'll be back next week.

That is if the good Lord's willing and the creeks don't rise. So Utah a bit. I mean. So you tar a bit. I mean, sorry, tar a bit. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.