The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Pronounciation

Episode Date: August 25, 2012

With Frank still away on his holidays, Alun, Emily and Steve discuss Prince Harry's antics, things they feel guilty about and Emily's 'Six Weeks till OMG'.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. You're listening to Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. Who the hell are they? Where's Frank Skinner? He's off! Absolute Radio.

You're listening to Absolute Radio. You can text us on 8-12-15. You can follow us on Twitter using at Frank on Absolute. I'm Alan Cochran. Frank Skinner is away. He's not on holiday. He's decided to single-handedly remark every GCSE English paper in the country. So, yeah, he's not with us today.

That would be awesome, wouldn't it, if he did that? Anyway, I'm joined by the wonderful Miss Emily Dean. If I knew how to press the button to get your jingle going, I would. Well, you're not the first person who said that. Maybe I will learn the skills of the screen and press that button at some point today. And also, Steve Hall. Good morning.

Morning. I don't have my own jingle. You don't have your own jingle, but you're a very welcome guest. I'll invent my own jingle. Steve Hall, the charges were never proved. I love that. Steve's looking quite blur fan today. Well, we've chatted about blur, haven't we already?

We've chatted. I wasn't listening. He's a big blur fan, I think that's what I was saying. I'm mildly obsessed with blur, yeah. So I'm delighted that you sensed that in the wardrobe. I picked up on it. Yeah. They overlap on the Venn diagram of the polo T-shirt, if nothing else.

Alan's gone a bit bloodhound and pick-up truck this morning. What does that mean? In the Czech shirt. It's still a Fred Perry, isn't it? It is, yeah. We're allowed to say that, I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure we are. Never mind that, Alan.

I never got my free trainers when I was angling for free trainers. But maybe now I'm in the hot seat, the trainer delivery will take place. Anyway, let's move on. If only a member of the royal family had done something ridiculous this week to give everyone something to talk about. What a way to kick start the show. Are we going to do this? I'm going straight in there.

Go for it. I'm going straight in. What's your take, Emily Dean? I love it. Well, it's been a bit of an incident, I think it's fair to say, he's had this week. Prince Harry we're obviously talking about. The first thing I thought, Alan, was that his best friend is apparently called Skippy. Is that? Now, if you're going to go on a holiday with someone called Skippy,

I don't think Skippy sounds like a reliable moral compass. No, no. A bit like being friends with someone called Spider. It will generally end in tears. I think he only brings Skippy around in case, if he disappears in the outback, Skippy immediately runs. He hops off to get attention and help. Australia trips, Skippy is brilliant.

But Las Vegas... And the whole thing has really shot the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas cliché to bits, hasn't it? Because now what happens in Vegas becomes a worldwide media story. It's not now

just in Vegas. And I love the development of the sun yesterday printing the picture and saying on the front cover, the picture you've already seen. It's like the opposite of news. What a newspaper is meant to do is give

you stuff you do not already know. I know. We've all seen Dirty Harry by now. I've never felt better walking past the newspaper and not buying it as I did yesterday going, well I already know that. Like everybody else I've googled Prince walking past the newspaper and not buying it, as I did yesterday, going, well, I already know that. Like everybody else, I've Googled Prince Harry pictures. Al, can I just say as well? Yeah.

The feet of the man. Giant feet. That was the thing that struck me most, which he might be disappointed to hear that. But that's all I came away thinking. Oh, there's a size 11s there. You think? Yes.

I'm a UK 10, if any different Adidas originals are listening. Because there's no actual junk shots out there. You don't actually get to see the crown jewels. You don't see Harry's Potter anymore. Do you think he thinks of them as the crown jewels? I wonder. No, but we need to discuss the practicalities. That surely would make him think of his gran.

That can't be good. We need to discuss the practicalities of naked billiards, think of his gran, that can't be good. We need to discuss the practicalities of Naked Billiards, because I think no good can come of it, personally. I'm in agreement. I don't think an elegant game like Billiards should be brought down with nudity. The whole was it, um,

who was the swimmer that was there? Brian Lochte. Brian Lochte? Brian Lochte was there. There's no E on the end. I'm going to take this up with you. It's Ryan Lochte. I mean, it's weird. Brian Lochte? Brian Lochte was there. He was in the film. There's no E on the end. I'm going to take this up with you at some point. What? It's Brian Lochte.

It's Ryan Lochte. That's how they pronounce it. There's no E. No, I won't have Lochte. That sounds like Balamore. Lochte. Ryan Lochte. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. I've already succeeded, by the way, compared to last week. I actually managed to remember this week to pull the faders down at the end of our last chats and before that song. Small victories for me. So, it's Prince Harry in the billiard room with the candlestick. Yeah, I'm not done yet. There's a lot more I'd like to say on this subject.

Firstly, there were women present playing this naked billiards game. I think that was part of the problem, wasn't it? If not, they would just think it was like army hijinks on leave or something. But why were they stripping? Why would you do that? I wouldn't do that. You've got

to buy me a meal if you want to see me in the bath. I'm sorry, I'm not just going to take my clothes off for nothing. What sort of meal are we talking about? A really nice meal. Not Greg's pasty? I've never understood all that strip poker stuff. I don't understand it at all.

Why would you do that? It's freezing. And I don't think that game is very conducive as well to being in the nude i don't think it's a good thing billiards yeah it's too complicated isn't it but it depends where the ball ends up on the table if you have to if it's right in the middle of the table you have to really stretch over yeah the game's not been going very well for you yeah that's not ideal is it you don't want chafing after it all went horribly quiet in here then i did not like that emily was taking a sip of tea. I think

we'll just leave that there. Did you see the hotel though? It's the sleaziest looking hotel, the Wynn Hotel. It looks like a 1980s cigarette advert. It's the sleaziest looking hotel in Vegas. Is it really? I've never been to

Vegas but from what I've heard that is a new benchmark of sleaziness, isn't it? I got married in Vegas. Awkward. So I've got fond memories. That was a sleazy day. By Elvis? No, we'd wanted to get married by Elvis,

but it turns out it's a lot more expensive within our price range. I look more like Elvis than any of the Elvis impersonators we've ever had. Excellent. So we got married on the top of the Stratosphere Tower. So you're on the roof and the minister says, I pronounce you man and wife, and a reverse bungee machine fires you into the air. Is that true?

That's completely true. How come I didn't know this about you? Did you not know this? This is amazing. The first photo that exists of us as man and wife is the one that the machine takes as the G-forces kick in. Possibly not the most flattering wedding picture, is it? I would have absolutely refused as the female of that party.

Well, somehow she looks amazing, but I'm naked with a girl I've just beaten at strip billiards in front of me. But do you think, on a serious note, I am interested to know what you both think of this. Do you think it was wrong? Because a lot of people have been complaining and saying, obviously, saying that it's, you know, he's paid really by arse. Should he have been doing that?

Yeah, I don't, to be honest, I don't think my tax would cover this trip. Wouldn't cover one of my trips. Yeah, so I don't think I can get that upset about it. I don't think that many people feel bad about it I don't think that many people feel bad about it, I think the reason that's even an issue is because just that taxi driver I had the other day it's a reflection of the fact that

the British papers have been beaten to it by the internet, that's the thing, so there has to be this kind of manufactured outrage by the British press to sort of suggest, because it's the only story they've got, so the Sun are trying to go, oh we're standing up for freedom in the press by publishing it, the Daily Mail are sort of trying to go well it's completely only story they've got. So the Sun are trying to go, oh, we're standing up for freedom in the press by publishing it. The Daily Mail are trying to go,

oh, well, it's completely unacceptable. You could almost see his baby makers. And he's 27. He's single. He's a soldier. Yeah. Can he get in touch? Exactly.

I'm just saying right now, he's ticking a lot of boxes for me. We stopped him as a result of the press blowing the fact that he was in Afghanistan. We prevented him being allowed to serve in Afghanistan. So we don't want him to do a job. Steve's getting a bit heavy now. We should allow him some fun time. I think, yeah, I honestly thought that the person in the street thought it was more funny

than sort of a ridiculous allowance on his part. I think the hardest bit has been for the papers to decide whether or not he's a blue-blooded royal or a red-blooded male. And some of them have gone for both in the same article. He's blue-blooded and red-blooded. He's purple-blooded, Harry.

Did you know that? That's quite difficult. Or mauve, depending on the mixture. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Al, you know, we were having a slight dispute about the pronunciation of the American swimmer Ryan, surname L-O-C-H-T-E. Yes, I claimed Lochte, but I'm sure I heard people. And I said Lochte.

Yeah. So, people have been tweeting us about this. Oh, have they? Sarah Phillips, sorry Em, but there is an E at the end. Yes, but I'm suggesting it's silent. I didn't say there wasn't an E. I just said it was silent. Clive Wilson,

can't believe I'm saying this, but Emily Dean is wrong. I'm a 47-year-old bloke, and I know that E is pronounced. Oh. I like that his age is relevant. It's almost like, I've been around the block, I know how to pronounce names with E at the end. There's a sort of

sage old man time quality to that tweet. That's the kind of thing your parents say to you, I'm a 50-year-old woman, and I will not be spoken to like this. That's the kind of thing your parents say to you. I'm a 50 year old woman and I will not be spoken to like this. So it seems I'm wrong. Well I think I heard the commentator say Lochte. I don't want to, you know. That's okay, I'm

wrong, no biggie. But I should say I have had a strange thing this week where my wife has been laughing at how I say the word cracked. Why are you all laughing? Because you make it sound like somewhere in Poland.

She says that I don't pronounce the first syllable of it, and it should be correct. Yeah, she's correct. I mean, this all came to a horrible head when I was speaking to her about the Jonathan Franzen book, The Corrections and the irony that it had to be recalled in order for them to put in some of

his corrections, which happened. They had to call back the original book. Anyway she then started laughing and I was like what are you laughing at? She was saying it's the way you say correct. I mean we haven't had a difficulty like this since she sniggered when I was buttering toast. I mean, we haven't had a difficulty like this since she sniggered when I was buttering toast. I mean, isn't that weird?

Psychological. Apparently I don't go right to the edges. Anyway. I like the Crutchins. The Crutchins? That's how you say it, isn't it? You make them sound like some German family, the Crutchins.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I hear it now. She'd play Ethel in EastEnders, Crutch and Franklin And she mispronounced things all the time Did she? Yes, she did I now feel a bit worried about it

Massive comic consequences I'll tell you another word that I have hesitancy about And I've already used it on the wireless today And I'm very proud of myself for having got it out I said mauve Mauve, mauve That's the right way, and I'm very proud of myself for having got it out, I said mauve, mauve, mauve. That's the right way, isn't it? Let's go back to what you originally said. No, because for years I called it mauve

and didn't know that it was pronounced mauve. But I have lots of these words where I just learn. Like, I grew up, I was Scottish originally. Underneath this accent, I have a Scottish voice in my head playing. Yeah. So, like, banal. Do you say banal? Would you also?

Yeah, what would you say? In my head, for years, I said banal. I did. Goodness. I do. That's the worst thing you've ever said. What, banal? Why is that so bad?

I just don't like it. Do you want to say it? I'd like to get off the subject. Do you want to say it, Emily? Do you want to try banal? No. Can I tell you something that I always mispronounce? I've been doing this since I was about 15

and I can't get it out of my head. And that was a long time ago. I was once in a bank queue and a man behind me, I ended up having a row with him because he thought I'd queue jumped and he went, shut up, you feisty care.

And so I've said feisty ever since then. But people always sort of subtly correct me and say feisty. But in a strange tribute to that man, I continue to say feisty. That's great. If you mispronounce any words, let us know on 8-12-15. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Can't help but think it may have technically been a mistake to make people doubt how they pronounce words whilst broadcasting to the nation. Well, we've had Gareth tweeting in. He says, can you tweet in? I guess you can.

My mum can't say the word but. She pronounces it Bert. It's most prominent when she's irate. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, that's good, because my mum, with her Scottishness, she can't say R and L next to each other properly. So someone called Carl becomes Carol. There's always an extra little syllable. So when my mum orders Earl Grey tea,

it sounds like a soul singer or something. Earl Grey. Can I have Earl Grey? Anyway. I've noticed there's a pronunciation, a lot of, some people say footballer instead of footballer. And that tends to be people who've had carnal knowledge of footballers often say that.

There's a certain type that won't say footballer. Footballer. Don't even know if I can do it. Footballer. I knew an American girl and she wouldn't say I shudder at the thought. She would say I shudder at the thought. Really? Yeah. Which implies if something freaks her out

she has to go to quite an old style house. Close everything up. Oh the worst. Okay this guy that I once dated. Well, I say dated. I went on two dates with him. That was it. That's dating, isn't it?

Date two. The reason it never got to three was because he said, do you know what I love about your sister? She's really zany. Zany. No.

I called a cab that minute. The thing I like about that is that he's been through his whole life saying zany and no one's corrected him on it correct that was not intended i just want you to know that was me naturally speaking there but no one's called him up on it there has anybody else got any weird ones let us know on 8 12 15 frank on absolute at twitter i was uh reading a book with my five-year-old son the other day.

Yeah. And a Lego storybook. Lego are into everything now. Lovely. And the word pizzeria came up. But it's in the book about ten times. So international now, Lego. And I felt a bit self-conscious as the sentence was approaching it,

and I got to pizzeria and had to forcibly stop myself saying, pizzeria. I had to really... You don't read pizzeria very often. Well, the way you said pizzeria there implied it's an illness that happens if you eat too much pizza and you have to go to the toilet. Oh, I've got terrible pizzeria.

Well, let's have some adverts and we have to go to the toilet. Oh, I've got terrible pizzeria. Well, let's have some adverts and we'll come back to this. Let us know what your words you mispronounce are on 8, 12, 15. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about

mispronunciations of words which was kick-started... I would call that mispronunciations. Mispronunciations of words, which was kick-started... I would call that mispronunciations. Mispronunciations. We've had a text in from 665, one of our prisoners. Not a word used very often, but the

word that annoys me when said by my husband is Poseidon. He pronounces it Poseidon. Poseidon. The cause of much hilarity when the film comes on each year. And we've had one from 969 Maria who

said I once went out with a farmer who said can we get some of those rolls with those sea same seeds on it. Sea same?

A farmer who can't pronounce I like the fact that she has to specify it's a farmer. That's an important part of the detail.

I have completely forgotten this but I, for a couple of summers, worked for a well-known holiday camp as a redcoat. No. Yeah, yeah. And I'd completely forgotten that I had a chalet with, I'll be honest, quite a creepy guy called, I think his name was Derek and I deliberately called him Eric, or his name was Eric and I deliberately called him Derek, but I can't remember which.

Can I just ask you something about the geography of the chalet? In the chalet, are there two single beds? Are there two single beds then? Yeah, two single rooms in the chalet and a bathroom. Oh, that's depressing. As it were. We haven't bathroom. Oh, that's depressing. OK. As you were. We haven't even touched on the qualities of depressing

that this job can entail. But he talked at great length about his matres. I kept saying, the problem with this matres, Alan. Which was very weird. I don't know if it's a scottish thing maybe a lot of because i for for years i pronounced uh what i would now say as yogurt as uh yogurt well that's american isn't it well it sounds a bit like um like an american saying hello to a friend called gertrude doesn't it but it's quite common in Scotland, I think. Yogurt. Yogurt. I like sort of minor mistakes,

like Alex has just texted in to say, up until I was 15, I thought available was spelled evade-able. I still contend it sounds better with a D. Evade-able? Yeah. That sounds like evade-able, though, doesn't it? Let's try it out. Yep, I'm evade-able.

I like it. Yeah, it makes me want to dodge you, though. It makes it evade-able. Anyway like it. Yeah, it makes me want to dodge you, though. It makes it evadable. When I was a nice little altar server, I used to think that in the Hail Mary, I used to think it was the fruit of thy room, Jesus, rather than thy womb, Jesus. So I thought she had a room that Jesus just hung out in.

Oh, really? Interesting snapshot into Stephen's childhood there. DJ Aloe, as you were called last week. Actually, I was called it in a different life, yes. About 15 years old. We've also had some emails in. Have we? And you know what that means.

Shall we do a bit of... Email corner. I did that. I pressed that. I just want people to know that I pressed that. That makes me slick. Well, you've got a choice. You can hear one about a whippet from Milton Keynes or one about your bed linen from Isha. Let's go bed linen and we'll come back to the

Whippet from Milton Keens. Hi Alan, Emily and I'm afraid they've called you plus one Steve. Fair enough. Which is rude. I'm just happy to be here. If it's not down you're not coming here. But on the plus side you are my plus one which is good. Crikey.

That's a lofty position to have attained. Last week Alan was talking about smells and that he likes the smell of fresh bed linen good. Crikey. That's a lofty position to have attained, yeah. Last week, Alan was talking about smells. Mm-hmm. And that he likes the smell of fresh bed linen, but probably wouldn't change it for about a year if it wasn't done for him. I think I said 18 months, but I don't want to be pedantic.

When I lived in my first flat quite a few years ago, apparently, according to my girlfriend Sarah, I didn't wash my sheets and pillowcases for at least a year and her face would be covered in dirt. Oh. What? Was he a minor? Exactly. Still, she stayed with me and we're getting married in October, so I must have done something right.

Thanks. That is all. Dan from Esher. Well, Dan from Esher. I do like it when he emails in. Dan from Esher. That is all. Esher. Thanks. That is all. Dan from Esher. Well, Dan from Esher. I do like it when he emails in, that is all. Esher. No. I really was. I believed that as well. Here's the thing, though. I stand by my claim that I would change my bed in about once every 18 months if I lived alone. But here's what I think Dan perhaps should have done, is washed the person.

Because it's obvious that he's making the bedding dirty, isn't it? You know, just keep yourself clean and maybe wash a pillow every three months. You could wash a pillow quarterly, couldn't you? Um, Al, can we return to Email Corner briefly? Hang on. Email Corner! Slick that, wasn't it?

This is from Heather. Hello, Heather. She's from Milton Keynes. Hello, Milton Keynes. She says hello. She then says, A few weeks back, Alan mentioned that he took his whippet running with him, and I was intrigued by this,

as my whippet, Sophieie is the laziest dog on earth and recoils in horror when i mention the word walkies let alone if i took her running so if you will have a mad 20 minutes a day where she spins around on the spot then we all then sprints through the house and garden like a loon and she will then collapse back in a coma under the nearest blanket she would be quite content staying in bed for 23 hours of the day if i let her i was interested if this is usual for whippets or if i just have an idle one heather well this appeals to me on so many levels in that um i i love a texting so i i there's a bit of me that's hoping this now becomes how does your whippet behave

texting but that's probably too banal for our listeners but I mean they're not a high maintenance dog I do have to drag ours out for a run

but once they're out they're out aren't they I would suggest to Heather I would suggest to, is it Heather? It's Heather. I would suggest to Heather that that bit where her dog is running around like a maniac for 20 seconds, that is her needing exercise. And that might be the time to let off a little bit of steam. But, you know, they're quite reluctant to it. But they're ace. They're really good. Our dog was in a dog hotel last week when we were away oh lovely you know i was moaning about my trip to the cotswolds yes i do recall the

dog had a better time the dog the dog went to a dog hotel that had underfloor heating and a plasma screen tv and a four poster bed the one thing i do admire about whippets is their body-fat ratio. Oh, yeah. Lean? Lean's not even in it. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what does genuinely happen. So size zero, those ones. I've been talking about this in my little standard pact, is that when you're in the park with a whippet,

sometimes people lean in and almost conspiratorially say to you, don't let her get fat, will you? They don't suit getting fat, whippets. That's what they've said to boyfriends of mine in the past. I said it the other day to a man who had his daughter with him, and apparently it's inappropriate. Apparently the rule only is whippets. You're listening to Alan Cochran and Emily Dean.

Who the hell are they? Where's Frank Skinner? He's off Absolute Radio Good morning, you're listening to Absolute Radio It's the top of the hour, so this is when I announce that you can text us on 8-12-15 You can follow us on Twitter using Frank on Absolute That is because this is the Frank Skinner show

but without Frank Skinner We don That is because this is the Frank Skinner show, but without Frank Skinner. We don't know where he is, actually. He was last seen putting an ice pick, a crucifix and some garlic in a bag and he wandered off muttering something about speaking the only language Catherine Jenkins understands.

I don't really know what... Anyway, I'm Alan Cochran. I'm in for Frank Skinner, as they say in the world of broadcasting. I'm joined by the wonderful Emily Dean and Steve Hall. So there. I like that the lady gets wonderful. That's all my house duties out the way, isn't it? Well, it's awkward, isn't it?

Because if I say the wonderful and I give you an adjective, it might be creepy. Yeah. That wouldn't be nice, would it? We've shared a flat in Edinburgh too many times. It would be the barely tolerable Steve. Over familiar. The has no breaks on sentences.

There we go. Yeah. We've had some texts in on 8.12.15. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Slick. We've had a response to your... Well, we had a text about whippets earlier. Yes.

It was an email, actually. These things happen. We hear about whippets on this show. Bob says, I love the whippet bit. Good. He says more than that. He says, the short answer to exercise is have two. We had five at one point.

They then chase each other around. Oh, yeah. Then you can be the one curled up under the duvet. That's Bob the log. Thank you, Bob. And do you know what? Five whippets chasing each other around must be a joyful sight to behold because they are such good creatures

in full tilt. They really are. It's like a nature documentary or something. They're really quick. Really quick. And in fact, they're so quick some irresponsible YouTube people have driven their cars at 35 miles an hour while the whippet is running alongside it. I like the idea that that's a sort of nationality, being a YouTube person.

Yes, exactly. But yeah, five. We're not allowed to. We've already got too many things to deal with in the house. But, yeah, great, great creatures. We've also been talking about mispronunciations. Can I just say, for the record, I am very pleased that my wish came true, that it would be a text in about your whippets. This is not common commercial radio, I don't think. What was the other text that you said? About mispronunciations. Oh, yeah, this is about me saying the word correct and it should be correct.

No, it's not. This is from someone who says, this is from 611. I used to work in House of Fraser and it annoyed me how people called it House of Fraser. Oh, yeah. Well, I once met somebody who worked for HMV and they said, oh, I work for HMV. And you think, that must, for the rest of your colleagues, be a really annoying thing, that they're hearing that maybe 25, 35 times a day.

That's unacceptable. Hello. Totally unacceptable. HMV here. That's what Supernanny says, unacceptable. Supernanny does? Yeah, have you not heard that? She says that is unacceptable behaviour. And it's her catchphrase.

Oh. So she mispronounces it quite a lot. Do you know in the north west of England where I live, some adults say bockle instead of bottle. Do they? Yeah, I think they think it's cute, but I see it as mental impairment. I don't think it's attractive.

My friend Mary at university, she used to get really in people's faces because she insisted that the pronunciation was David Duchovny. Really? She got really borderline violence calling people out, it's David Duchovny!

Well, I got in trouble on this show because I didn't... I pronounced the dog. I called it a Weimaraner and apparently it's Weimaraner. And Frank, I mean, I think lambast was the word, wasn't it? He lambasted you.

It wasn't my fault. He knows more... I'm not as dog literate as him. He was raised with them. He knows about them. He was raised with dogs. I hope he's not listening to this. I just mean I didn't have them as a child. I didn't mean he was brought up

by them. Me neither, actually. This is all learned behaviour. I didn't realise that whippets were one thing. He knows his dogs. Vi Mariner. Is it Vi Mariner or Vi Mariner? I don't know. Frank is the wise old sage. He said it was Vi Mariner. Text in, Frank, if you're listening at 12.15. We love you. That would be great. Alan Cochran and Emily. Text in, Frank, if you're listening, 8.15pm. We love you.

That would be great. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Cupcake time. Not for me. Well, we should just say that, actually, I think in previous shows we've had texts in saying, it makes me so angry hearing people eat on the radio.

It is something we're occasionally guilty of. It makes me angry hearing it in the studio this morning. Steve has got a birthday coming up, so there's some cupcakes have arrived. So happy birthday, Steve. Thank you very much. And actually, while we're on the subject, happy birthday to my youngest brother today.

Lovely. Should perhaps have done that before, shouldn't I? And happy birthday to my wife for Tuesday. Oh, God, it's an expensive month, isn't it, August? I love that that's how you view birthdays. That's so cockerel. Why are they coming in a cluster like this? Oh, God, it's an expensive month.

There are a lot of them in August, though, aren't there? The results of December fumbles, is that what you're saying? I think that's exactly what it is. Oh, filthy creeps. Bit of port at Christmas, innit? Oh, God. Christmas creeps on the prowl. Nothing worse.

Well, it's a different generation that you're talking about, you know. Anyway. So, Al, I will not be indulging in... I thought you were going to say imbibing. It's not going to be one of those people that just gets the wrong word ethel from eastenders i will not be indulging um those cupcakes there they represent they're my kryptonite right now oh they're my greatest enemy because i have recently embarked on diet guys now i don't recommend irresponsible dieting that would be wrong however i have just

started on this diet it's called six weeks till omg right it sounds really responsible no but the idea being that in six weeks you'll all be saying omg when you see me oh is that what it is i think so so. And afterwards it says, get skinnier than all your friends, which is less responsible, I think. However, every cloud. Well, particularly if you work in fashion, you do not want to be skinnier than all your friends. That would be dangerous, surely.

But it's, you see, I just thought, I just felt, you know, I, oh, someone's spitting out a cupcake as I'm talking about my diet. No, I just, I think curvy's fine, but, you know, we don't want things to slide. So I've been very disciplined. There are certain rules to follow. There's a lot of rules to follow. Yeah, talk us through the rules. Okay, black coffee in the morning, that's pretty much it.

You're not allowed it, or you are? No, that's all you're allowed. Oh, really? Yeah, and then you start having, so you leave it until you have your breakfast, until a lot later. So the black coffee, on the plus side, I think what it does is the idea being that you'll burn all that body fat up when you wake up, and the black coffee will boost your metabolism. On the minus side, I'm mental.

Yeah. And a nightmare to be around. And kind of friendless right now. Yeah, well, I can't imagine it helps the breath much. No, how dare you. Is that why it's six weeks till OMG? It's six weeks till your friends go, OMG, you've got to stop, you're really damaging yourself.

We're going to smash your face in. So, there's that. So you start the day with a black coffee and then later on you have some breakfast. But are you allowed a proper breakfast later on? Well, really carbs are the enemy. So I've been having a lot of yoghurt. It's a bit World's Strongest Man what I'm eating.

Lots of chicken, bacon, really nice. But the key thing to this is also, when you are going to have carbs, because sometimes you will have to have carbs, make sure it's no bigger than an iPhone. Make sure your portion is no bigger than an iPhone. Is that what they say? Yes!

Because they're using the iPhone. It establishes what level of class. It's a very middle class thing that's being aimed at. When they used to do things the size of, it used to be a pack of cards or a wallet, didn't it? And now it's the iPhone. This is progress, apparently. Can we come back to this?

Yeah, because we need to talk about the cold baths. Well, there's a cliffhanger for you. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Would you like to know more about my diet six weeks to OMG? Yeah, or one week to A-N- y i n g i don't what is that okay

so we've established so far it's coffee and cold baths well you're going to tell us about the cold baths oh they're cold i mean they're meant to be 15 to 20 degrees the bath celsius yeah it sounds fiddly though do you Do you need a thermometer? Yes. You have to actually... You don't invest, you don't get back. That sounds like a really good catchphrase for someone that's trying to sell you stuff. Yeah, so you buy a thermometer. I can't really be bothered with all that,

so I just judge it roughly. But you have to... I think with the cold baths, I've been cheating a little bit. Right. So I've been having cold-ish showers. And how does that work? What does a cold bath do?

Is it meant to shock your body into burning fat or something? Exactly. Oh, really? It raises your metabolic rate. Is that correct? Yeah. Okay. Metabolism.

You hesitated then as if you were going to mispronounce the word. Yes, I thought I was. Metabolism. I didn't then as if you were going to mispronounce the word. Yes, I thought I was. Metabolism. I didn't think this would be the show to do it. So, yeah. So, the only thing also that I'm finding difficult is the blowing up of balloons constantly. What? Yeah.

Are you having a party? No. Is it six weeks to your party? Is that because you end up so skinny you might break your bones so you have to have a very heavily padded house? The idea behind it, no no but that's a great idea is that it works your abdominal muscles. Blowing up balloons? Yeah, it's 20 balloons every other day

but that's a lot of balloons. 20 every other day? Yeah. Alright so you have a rest day like you're weight training or something. Oh goodness. Mummy the clown's really scaring me. He's got his six pack out. Just necked a coffee and shoutedaring me. He's got his six-pack out. Just necked a coffee and shouted at me. And you're meant to move around a bit as well.

So you're meant to exercise as well. But, I mean, you know what, I'll see how I go. I did resist. I did resist those cupcakes. Yeah. The main thing is carbs. I think the avoidance of carbs. Is it all carbs or is it like you're allowed small amounts just get your iphone out and measure it with your iphone but like if surely you're

allowed like sweet potato instead of potato that's fine potato get out of town no but instead of potato sweet potatoes as long as it's no bigger than an iphone i've told you that is the weirdest app they've ever launched It's just the phone itself Exactly Measure your carb intake app It's just like a case with a little throw thing on the back Well you'll all see in five weeks you'll all be laughing

on the other side of your face Exactly, yeah And I have no face left And that'll be a good day for me Am I right in thinking the bloke who came up with this, I've been reading up in the break, and the bloke who invented this diet is called Venice A. Fulton. Yes, correct.

Would you trust a man named that with your health? No, no, I wouldn't. Obviously he needs the initial, because there are so many other Venice Fultons around. He needs to be the Venice A. Fulton. Are you suggesting he sounds like some sort of lap dancer? There were too many Venice Fultons. Venice A Fulton, it sounds like a sofa.

Yes. Too many Venice Fultons on Amazon. And he had to go, hang on, people are going to buy the others. They're going to buy Pacey Thrillers instead of my diet book. My brother went on to a thing called the keto diet or keto diet. Oh, that's ketosis, yeah. Yeah, the keto diet or keto diet oh that's ketosis yeah yeah the keto diet for a little while i thought it was every time he sat down to a meal a small chinese man came out and attacked him and so the exercise and the fact that he wasn't eating created what

they call the calorie deficit um but it wasn't it turned out it was the ketosis that you were speaking about. Where's that song gone? Al, I'm getting quite a bad hangar now, so I'm just warning. Do you want a cupcake? Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I must admit, on the subject of your diet, whenever I see a massive person, like a really huge one, and there was one sat next to me on the train yesterday

properly overlapping and I never think I never think this person needs more black coffee and cold baths I never do that Why not? That's all I think Because I don't think it's

I think what I think is this person needs less food and more exercise for a long period of time. That's true. It's all about the calorie deficit, isn't it? You might be thinking this person is actively taking a chance if they get into a bath. I had a go at that paleo diet where you eat food that would have existed during the caveman era. Oh.

I liked it so much that I wanted to... Did you put a loincloth on as well? I wanted to roll it out into the rest of my life and adopt sort of caveman's moral values and a sense of sexual equality. That was part of the problem. You did some cracking cave paintings, though. Yeah, exactly. What else? What else? Wow. I sound like Frank Mendenhout.

You do. And I liked it, KTP style. i'd like to talk about tom cruise oh wouldn't we all wouldn't we all yes but um unfortunately his lawyers are watching however we can talk about the fact that tom is over here currently lock up your daughters i said daughters I said daughters. I said daughters. So paranoid. Can you be sued for laughter? For sarcastic laughter?

I'm feeling tense, even at this conversation. I'm a huge fan of his. Yeah, me too. Yeah. He's good, isn't he? He's good at it. I'm just saying, I'm a huge fan of his, so make of that what you will.

So Tom went for a cuzza with his mates. A what? A cuzza. Is that a cuddle? Yeah, it's a curry. I said with his mates. That's my concern. He went for a curry and with his friends.

But there was a bit of a problem. I mean, I think that's quite... Did they not have a high chair? No. Was that the problem? No, he was caught short though, funnily enough. Because he had...

And I went to pay. It was £220. Yeah. He had an Amex, Natch. He had US dollars. Oh, no. He had no UK poundsx, Natch. He had US dollars. Oh, no. He had no UK pounds.

Oh, Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom. So his friend had to pay, but on the plus side, gave a £79 tip. Wow. For a £220 bill. What's that? What percentage of tip is that, Alan? Oh, I don't know, but it's good. It's a good tip. Let's work it out. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I've been doing some back-of-the-envelope maths and £220.15.

I think if they were going for 10%, that would be about 22 quid. So they left. Wouldn't they? Oh, my God. I really enjoyed that moment where you all looked at me as if that was in any way impressive. But really, I mean, if they were going for 10%, they could have gone 22 quid. Sorry, why would you be going for 10% if you were leaving a tip?

Well, all right. For basic arithmetic reasons, you always leave 15. Yes. And of course, they've got the American thing, so they would automatically expect 15, wouldn't they? Yeah. So maybe he thought, I could round it up to 250, and then he thought, no, Tom's going to pay me it back.

I'll go to the full 300. Do you think? I don't know. I think they just handed over and they thought, what are these, like, orange 300. Do you think? I don't know. I think they just handed over and they thought, what are these, like, orange ones? Do you want those? And I think they just gave £50. Right.

And that was it. So it's 300 that they paid. Good night for the restaurant owner. But Tom's probably had a word with him and sort of said, give him a big tip because I've looked a bit of a fool with the Amex mess up. Give him a big tip. It's embarrassing.

I did throw my cutlery at the table behind. Maybe he's thinking, if Katie reads this, she needs to know what she's missing out on. I want her to know that I am dining out on the money I am serving by not having to pay her. That's right, the ex-wife, we had a lobster curry in St Albans. That was a weird thing. Tomorrow Harpenden.

Lobster he had? Apparently he said, oh, bring me whatever you like to the restaurant owner and bring me the lobster. I've heard that's really good. Now, I don't want to accuse the restaurant owner of lying, but isn't St Albans miles from any coast? It's inland, isn't it? It's not like, oh, go to St Albans and have the lobster.

I reckon that restaurant owner has got a job lot on lobster that's on the turn and he's gone, hang on, Tom Cruise has been, why don't I tell the world that he'd heard about how good my lobster was? Nonsense. St Albans is very near to where I grew up, so he should have got in touch.

Have you heard about the lobster at this place? I have. He could have had a drink in the Horn of Plenty. Is that a... It's a genuine pub. I don't think that would have been a good idea. As PR mistakes go, Tom Cruise in a pub with the word Horn in it is probably... Is it a gentleman's bar? No, it's a music pub. Oh, is it? OK, good.

Despite what it sounds like. OK. We once saw someone. Do you remember we were having a Chinese once, late-night Chinese in London, and we noticed that we were sat opposite the Saturdays. Oh, yeah. I had completely forgotten that until now.

I think I've also had Chinese where Hardeeb Sinkholy was in the same Chinese restaurant as me. Wow. I was once in a curry house. That was withering, Emily. That was withering. I just said, wow. Like, wow. Sounded so underwhelmed. Oh, I didn't mean it to be. I was once in a curry house. That was withering, Emily. That was withering. I just said wow. That wow sounded so underwhelmed.

Oh, I didn't mean it to be. I'm sorry. I was about to tell my Ian Lavender story, but as you were. Who's Ian Lavender? In Dad's Army. That doesn't give me much confidence in the anecdotes. Oh, I'm sorry. Frankly.

I never really watched Dad's Army. No, Frank and I were very excited. We saw Ian Lavender. We were with the radio family, actually. And we saw him not far from here. And he was going into a restaurant. And he fell over, unfortunately. It was awful.

Oh, no. It went from, oh, isn't that exciting? Oh, God. He played Private Pike in Dad's Army. Oh, I've heard of him. Yeah. Yeah. There you go.

We've seen him. He tried to romance Wendy Richard in EastEnders in later years. The only thing he was romancing was the pavement, only when we saw him. To each his own. Exactly. I do feel a bit worried for the restaurant owner of the Tom Cruise place.

Of the Couser House. Yeah, exactly, the Curry House, because normally if you meet like a super famous celebrity, people say, oh, you'll dine out on that story forever, but he probably doesn't dine out a lot, does he? He's going to dine in, because he's, presumably he's always in the restaurant, isn't he? I once went into the cafe around the corner from me, and it doesn't happen very often, but I've occasionally popped up on panel games and Dave and that sort of thing, so every now and again I'll get recognised, and you can see people look at you in that way,

that you know that... And there was a couple in there who looked at me as if they'd recognised me, and the only other person in the CAF was a guy who's off Coronation Street. So he and I looked at each other. I sat down to order my breakfast, and then the very next customer that walked in was Bez.

Must have been quite a weird moment for this couple, the sort of civilians in the cafe going, how weird is this? Is this Stella Street or something? Anyway. Well, this is quite an interesting celebrity sighting. This is from 031. We were leaving this building when this girl with our group spotted William Shatner having coffee in the coffee bar

and went over to get his autograph. William Shatner was so annoyed at her interruption of his meal, he took her marker pen and signed her forehead. She spent the day walking around with his autograph scored across her forehead. Good for him. Nice word, Shatner. I like your Christian bell, good for him. Excellent.

Daisy, the producer, looks horrified that this William Shatner's gone mad story. Do you think his medication had kicked in or something? What an extraordinary thing to do. I once properly humiliated myself. Just the once? Yes, the only time ever. We walked into a group of people I didn't know that well, and I got really excited.

I went, I'm not being funny, but I think that over there, that's definitely the bloke that played Gonch in Grange Hill. Oh, I love Gonch. John McMahon. And this guy went to me and went, yeah, he's my boyfriend. And I hadn't known that he was part of the group we were meeting. Oh, really?

Imagine dating gonch. Extraordinary. Lovely bloke. Was he? Lovely, lovely bloke. Because I grew up in Boreham Wood, where they used to film Grange Hill, so we had a half-hour chat about the old wimpy.

Oh. It was supposed to be an excellent lobster that was available in the St Albans area. Can I just say, to the Baked Goods company who have just sent in some very fattening cookies, thanks a lot.

You know it says on your boxes, ideal for lunch boxes, not if you want to look OMG in six weeks. It's not. If anyone is listening who can send in a cold bath, they'll be very grateful. Yeah, black coffee, thank you. You're listening to Alan Cochran and Emily Dean.

Who the hell are they? Where's Frank Skinner? He's off. Absolute Radio. Morning. You're listening to Absolute Radio. You can text us on 8 12 15. You can follow us on Twitter using at Frank on Absolute. This is indeed the Frank Skinner show. I'm

Alan Cochran. Frank is away. We thought he was on holiday, but it turns out he's dressed head to foot in Lycra, got on his bike and he's going to complete the tour, but clean. He says, I'll show them it can be done. He's going to race clean. Wow. he's going to complete the tour, but clean. He says, I'll show them it can be done. He's going to race clean, wow. He's going to race clean, yeah. Do you work clean? I was asked that by an American comedian because they have different terminology

and if you're not a dirty comic, they say, do you work clean? Do you work clean, Alan? And I said, yes, sometimes. So there. So that's that. Yes, Frank is away. So you've been saving money this week. I heard a rumour.

I may have just admitted that I've been feeling guilty because my little boy has recently turned five. Lovely. But we've still been getting him into days out and swimming as a four-year-old because it's free. Oh, Alan, that's low, man. Which I don't have a problem with. I think it's good parenting in many ways. You're teaching him duplicity.

We are, yeah. But in a world of fiscal irresponsibility, he needs to learn small cost-saving measures as early as possible. You know, you've seen what's gone on. Look at Greece. That's what I said to him. I said, look at Greece. You've also been making him get his round in at the pub.

That seems a bit harsh. Well, it's time, isn't it? It's not before time. The number of crisps he's had off me. No, this culminated when we were away in the Cotswolds and we're standing outside some, I think some like Rococo garden or something that we were about to pay a small fortune to all get into. And he went, but I'm fine now at the top of his voice. And like a character from a sitcom, I went, don't say that again today. From now on, if anybody asks you for, okay. To be fair, I've been operating on that principle all my adult life,

knocking at least a year off. He's probably fine with it. He'll adapt very well into show business. It's funny you should say that because my gay Australian godfather, I know that's a lot to take on. I already like this story. It's a great sitcom pitch.

He's an impresario. He's a theatrical producer. And he used to go, he used to take me and my sister when we were kids, but he used to want to pay the school party rate because it's much cheaper.

So he'd turn around to us and go, now, girls, where's the rest of the class? Have they ran off again? And we used to have to go, now, girls, where's the rest of the class? Have they ran off again? And we'd just have to go, oh, yeah, we don't know where they are. Terrible, making us lie. That's brilliant. That's like people on planes saying that they've just got engaged

in the hope of an upgrade or some champagne, isn't it? Doesn't happen. Doesn't happen. Did you feel guilty, though? Did you feel... I felt slightly guilty, but this is... Diminishing your son's age like he's Russell Kane or something like that I'm sure he started older than me I'm sure he was older than me at the start of his career

He's the Benjamin Button of comedy Everyone else in the studio looks horrified at this revelation but you know he's got a picture of himself withering in an attic somewhere because he started out older than me and now I think he's 31, apparently.

Anyway. But no, I do have an ability to feel guilty about very small things. I think mainly because I'm not particularly naughty, really. I just feel like sometimes when I pay the people around the corner to wash the car and they really scrub it and I think, I wouldn't do this for 15 quid. You're really going at it. And then I remember, hang on, this is a service that they happily advertise and fulfil.

So just stop it. Just stop feeling guilty, Alan. And by the way, the irony of Frank Skinner, a public Roman Catholic being away as we talk about guilt, is not entirely lost on me. We'll come back to this, I'm sure. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I mean, they seem happy whilst they're washing the car. I don't see why I'm getting angsty about it. But it is, you know... You feel that's a sort of middle-class guilt thing, isn't it? Well, I'm being accepted gradually by the middle classes. I'm still something of a parvenu. Oh, no, we've taken you on board. Oh, good.

We're fine with you. Thanks very much. Do you know what I feel a bit guilty about? It does happen. I experience guilt. Oh, no, we've taken you on board. Oh, good. We're fine with you. Thanks very much. Do you know what I feel a bit guilty about? It does happen. I experience guilt. Oh, good. If I'm on the tube, that also happens sometimes, Steve. And, you know, when someone's got a rucksack,

it makes me really upset. It's a kind of the space invasion thing, just because that takes up the space of about three normal people, I think, doesn't it? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were going to say, when you say rucksack, I thought you were taking that. Yeah, I thought it was a terrorism story. No, no, no. No, I think, doesn't it? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were going to say, when you say rucksack, I thought you were... Yeah, I thought it was a terrorism story.

No, no, no. No, I just mean, it's normally ladies, actually, with all their gym equipment, and it gets me so angry. It's like, put it down on the floor. So do you know what I do? I know this is awful,

but I push myself into them a little bit, just to assert my territory. Oh, yeah, yeah. You definitely have to do a bit of that on the tube, don't you? But I sometimes kick them as well. Is that not so normal? That's less common.

But with all the balloons you've been blowing up as well, it gets quite awkward. You must be exhausted. It's like a cardio workout for you. Blown up 20 balloons and kicked seven people on the Northern Line. You said to me, Alan said, are you tired? He's worried about me, I think.

We have had some dieting tips in. 48 of rice and water try it hot then eat what you like for the other five days from steve and cornwall i don't know if i would recommend that yeah i know surely i know it's boring to continue the return to surely balance is better i mean 48 hours of rice and what you're not torturing yourself, are you? Alan? Yes? I know we're not meant to have our phones on in the studio. Okay. But I'm afraid I did.

Okay. And a really good friend of mine, Joel, has just texted me. Hi, Joel. To say, I'm sat in my car having it washed right now, me and the man washing the car listening to you. How's he enjoying it i wonder i uh i also occasionally get really guilty if um well i got really really guilty earlier this year we had some builders do some work on our cellar ceiling but it had been there for like 120 years or something so when they pulled it down

it was so dirty and disgusting that they were coming was it worse than your sheets they were yeah much worse they were coming up the stairs like miners properly like it was horrifying honestly and my way of dealing with my guilt was to constantly offer them tea and coffee i mean every 30 seconds i was shouting down into the cellar do you want a tear of coffee, lads? A hobnob, anything? Anything I can get you? Whilst you do a disgusting job for a 10-day period in my cellar.

Horrible. Yeah. Can I ask what you two stand on? If you're in a shop and you're buying clothes, I'm assuming that you do that, and something falls off the hanger, you see, I think, if you don't hear it, it it didn't happen it's like the tree in the woods do you know what i mean i love it when this show tips us into philosophy with a fashion slant exactly so i just normally if someone sees

it or hears it then i obviously replace it back on that. Hang on. Otherwise, just leave it. I'll be honest, I have a calibre of shop rule where, you know, if it's your Primarnie or your TK level, I think what goes on the floor stays on the floor. But if you're... A bit like Vegas.

If you're in a really good shop, then you tidy up after yourself, don't you? Isn't that the rule? A bit like Vegas. Again and again a bit like Vegas. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The problem with guilt is that the people that feel it are sometimes the people that need it least.

Then you see people and think, oh, you really ought to feel terrible about yourself, and you clearly don't. That's what I think, anyway, for what it's worth. It's my tuppence worth. I've got a double whammy of guilt, because I was baptised and raised Roman Catholic, but I am racially of the Semitic persuasion.

So I'm both Catholic and Jewish in equal measure. That was a remarkably elegant sentence for commercial radio. There's probably people in their cars now thinking they're on a documentary on Radio 4. So life must be, there's a lot of minefields. Yeah, it's horrendous. It's often particularly towards the wife. Since getting married, I feel... You've even got a northern slant on it with the's often particularly towards the wife. Since getting married, I feel...

You've even got a northern slant on it with the wife. The wife. When we were on holiday, I got fed up of us not working our way through our box sets. And so I started The Wire without her. Oh, no. And got busted seven episodes into... This is when we were on holiday.

She saw me just... You got busted? What, as a box set? Like a CD? But she cried. She was very upset. She wept. She openly wept.

Because it had been sold to us as it's one of the best shows ever, and indeed it's great. I've seen seven episodes of it. She hasn't seen any show. You've got a head start on her there. Can I ask you, Steve, can we establish here? I like to get the facts in all the proper order. Did you watch those seven with her pretending

that you hadn't seen them? Or did you just crack under interrogation? No, she came down late at night to see me watching it. She normally sleeps through. Caught you wired. The wire, rather.

I love that you were caught in the middle of the night watching that. Yeah. I tried to put some pornography up to hide it. He's downstairs watching a gritty cop drama. Oh, really? That's awkward, because that is one of the joys of relationships, isn't it?

Sitting watching box sets. Is it? Oh, hang on a bit longer there. That's really one of the joys. It is. I think it is one of the joys. Can't wait. Maybe it's because I work away a lot that I like that. I like that sort of put your tracky bottoms on

and watch a box set time. Wow. I'm a man of humble tastes. You've been on the caveman diet. That's how humble you are. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they didn't have DVDs, so I don't know if that was allowed at the time.

What did they do in their relationships then? Argued about the paintings? Yeah, I think the man just clubbed the wife, and that was how they dealt with their problem. I don't think they had counselling sessions or anything, they just got on with it. I stand by that, I stand by that. Sweet time in the house when the kids are in bed watching the DVD, it's lovely. Oh, I'm being looked at like, oh, that's not fair. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio I stand by it if my wife is listening for me a lot of this wonderful relationship is about the companionship stand by that it's a lovely thing your wife's not listening I'm almost certain she's not listening

she's hanging out with bears and that bloke from Coronation Street. Exactly, yeah. Called an all-nighter. I occasionally have a moment of guilt when I'm overtaking, as a pedestrian, the elderly or infirm. Oh, yes. Because I just think, oh, God, I've got to walk past them looking all sort of... Business like an angry.

...youthful and sort of physically fine. And they're just hobbling. I mean, I don't stop and assist them. I just go, I carry on. I just go up to them, I hiss amateurs, and then I whiz past them. Did I ever tell you about the guiltiest I ever felt with my good lady wife?

Is it broadcastable? It is the way I'm going to tell it. I'm going to change it so that I'm going to... OK, keep it daytime way I'm going to tell it. I'm going to change it. Keep it daytime. I'm going to keep it daytime. We got iced in, coming back from Australia. My wife's a lovely Australian lady. We got iced in in Singapore.

We got stuck in Singapore for two days when they closed Heathrow. We were very, very bored. Singapore is essentially just a container port. It's like two days in Felixstowe or something like that so we were really really bored yeah and it was just before christmas uh and so i was so bored and i was going home what can i do i'm going insane i'm so bored and the wife said well i'll give you an option you can either uh open uh the your christmas present uh from her sister or we can have some husband and wife fun time.

Oh, lovely. I've made it daytime. Sorry, does that mean watching box sets? Yeah, in a manner of speaking. Step beyond. And so I naturally chose the husband and wife fun time. You're a man. And then the very second I'd finished my part

of the husband and wife fun time, I leant over to the Christmas present and opened the Christmas present straight away. Oh, greedy! Oh, God. And does that haunt you? It does. The guilt, I feel, and genuine pride at the same time. Yeah, absolutely. Do you know, you've been scrimping this week.

No, you have. You told us about the garden centre in there. You were scrimming the week before, and you've been scrimping this week. Steve? No, you have. You told us about the garden centre in there. You were scrimming the week before and you've been scrimping this week. Steve? Yes, I misheard you slightly. Steve, on the other hand, has been shelling out. Have you? I've spent a ridiculous amount of money, over £100, simply on

a curry in St Albans. I gave a £2,000 tip. I've spent over £100 on anti-snoring strips for me and my wife. Really? Because we both snore. I'm a mouth breather, so I don't snore, but I kind of do. Living the Kanye West life.

I kind of noise it. And the, where's my wife? It's one of the reasons I'm punching way above my weight with my wife. And the reason is that she's incredibly beautiful, but she snores just like a warthog with a cold. It's properly horrific. And so there have been lots of blokes who... Well, not lots of blokes.

She's a very dignified lady. That's a lovely tribute. I was attempting to help you figure out this whole, but I think I'll just leave you to it. There were an acceptable number of men in the past who I'm sure have gone, oh she's amazing, what's the catch? And then they've heard.

It's just like that film, what's the film? Four Weddings. Four Weddings, yeah. So we both wear these anti-snoring strips. They are very expensive. Are they like the Robbie Fowler ones? Yeah. Do you dream you're like Robbie Fowler? Well because we? Because we do it before we get into bed,

sometimes we have husband and wife fun time after we've put the snoring strips on. So I now get aroused by pictures of Robbie Fowler in the 90s. Or if I see a horse race with a horse with a sheepskin noseband, it really sends me into happy time. Adamant. It is. It's like a bad Adamant tribute band.

But she snores so badly. Sometimes she wears two to try and make it less bad. Back in Australia, she had a study done. It was like a doctor investigating snoring. And even though this was his specialist subject, he analysed her snoring and went, you really snore disgustingly. Was she responsible for a study being commissioned?

Pretty much. I love that. It's like sleeping next to a pneumatic drill sometimes. Wow. I love her very much. You must. That's incredible levels of snoring. But most men over, I'd say, about the age of 30, snore.

Right. I would say. Have you tested most men over the age of 30? Pretty much. That's a very specific Guardian soulmate search group. No, I think when it starts is about 30. Yeah. That's when they start, and that's when you start thinking,

hang on, I didn't buy into this. I think they should flag it up, snorers. They need to wear, like, something, a badge lapel or something. Yeah. I want to know if I'm going to have to put up with that. I go to bed with Ryan Gosling, wake up with Patrick Moore. No. Oh, that would be awful.

What a night that would be awful. What a night that would be. Was I really drunk last night? Exactly. The beer goggles were on. I thought he looked like Gosling. I think it's weird, though, because you're right. Your wife, to look at, and I know her,

she does not look like a snorer. She doesn't. You know, some people you think, I bet they snore. Yes. You know, I can't imagine how much money Bob Geldof has spent on those strips that you're talking about. Ray Winston, he must have gone through

massive snorer. Hundreds of pounds. Whereas Barack Obama, I'll bet you could sleep next to him and not hear a peep. He doesn't look like a snorer. I bet he doesn't even breathe when he's asleep. Gordon Brown, huge snorer. I'll bet he's a snorer. Oh, no, I can confirm he is.

He's a man over 30 and you've done your research. Alan Cochran and Emily Dean sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What's up? Oh, Alan. Trying to bring it back. Trying to bring it back trying to bring it back small steps small steps but it will eventually take over again i promise you yeah exactly they're out there now laughing at you well isn't that job done well exactly exactly so um i have a few more snoring-based questions for known snorer Steve. But I suppose you'd become less known if your wife is even more of a snorer.

She's Premier League and you're Vauxhall Conference. She's the high snorer. In old money. You're the sort of Russian diamonds. Yes. Would you say, are you meant to wake snorers? Are you not allowed to? What's the etiquette?

I kick them. I think nominally you're supposed to just let them carry on but I on a regular basis will say can you go and sleep on the sofa please Well I do as well but that's nothing to do with snoring I got an elbow in the ribs during my sleep the other night

and it was snoring related So it happens. From the wife or the whippet? No, from the wife. The whippet's fine with my storing. Anyway, we're off, aren't we? We're off. We're done.

Coming up next, it's Mark Crossley. And I suppose I should go out in the style of Mr Frank Skinner. If the creeks don't rise and the good Lord... I've done it the wrong way round, haven't I? What is it? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks... Bl rise and the good lord I've done it the wrong way around haven't I? what is it? if the good lord spares us and the creeks blah blah blah

whatever he says anyway we'll see you next week so that's that so that's that you're listening to Alan Cochran and Emily Dean who the hell are they?

where's Frank Skinner? he's off Absolute Radio Who the hell are they? Where's Frank Skinner? He's off. Absolute Radio.