The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Pudding Week

Episode Date: May 3, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank has a new idea for a chain of restaurants - he shares it with the team who aren't particularly keen. They also discuss the Royal Split, George Clooney's engagement, Susannah Reid's legs and the Star Wars reunion.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show direct through the Absolute Radio website, but do not text, do not text today, otherwise the studio explodes. That's what we've been told. We can't leave. What was it?

Don't phone, it's just for fun. That's what Chris Evans used to say. Did he? Yeah, I think that was to ex-conquest, maybe. Don't phone, it's just for fun. I've got Gerry on the line again. I've told you. Tell her, don't phone, it's just for fun.

I've told you that. Get that polka dot shirt out. Now then, Charlene, where were we? Wow So, yes, it's because we're not live So if you text, you'll be throwing money down the drain And the studio will explode, you said And the studio will explode But you know what?

I'm more worried about them losing money than us perishing That's the kind of a guy I am I'm not, factually I'm worried worried about them losing money than us perishing. That's the kind of a guy I am. I'm not, factually. I'm worried about the perishing. Hmm, OK. Worried about the perishing what? I thought that was going to be some old 1950s British film quote. I'm worried about the perishing clippies.

Did you introduce us? Yes. Oh, OK, I forgot. Did you miss that bit? Yeah. I normally listen when my name comes out, but I didn't. What about this? Can I start off with a bit of a bombshell? Oh, yeah, I forgot. Did you miss that bit? Yeah. I normally listen when my name comes out, but I didn't. What about this? Can I start off with a bit of a bombshell?

Oh, yeah. I did Chatty Man this week. Did you? It went out last night. You're doing well for yourself. Oh, very good. And we had to do a trailer. You know you have to do a trailer where you sit with all the other guests on the sofa

and he says, oh, come in this week, and off you go. And it was me, it was uh eston blumenthal and it was um cardinal burns just so so and some listeners not in the birmingham area are aware he does have an h in his name as well who eston yeah okay anyway so um and it was paloma faith so they all oh yeah they all assembled on the sofa. And Paloma said, really quite loudly, to Alan Carr, God, your standard of guest has dropped a bit, hasn't it?

She did not. Last time I was on, it was Nicki Minaj. It was like a real... I felt... I laughed, but inside... I don't know who Nicki Minaj is. Well, exactly. And that doesn't actually show the priorities of that woman doesn't it yeah but it was um she's a rapper it left me feeling

nikki minaj is uh we've talked about her on the show and she insisted about nikki minaj the grass being cut outside her caravan at a festival i've heard some euphemisms in my time yeah exactly she has a big behind. What? I've said it now. Some of the best people in the studio have one. That's a bit of a worry, because I introduced the first song today by saying this is for Kath, who's my girlfriend.

But, of course, we go out on all the other Absolute channels as well as Absolute Radio. I might have said, oh, this is for Kath, and then they might have played Fat Bottom Girls by Queen. When I get back, the house will be on fire and she'll be long gone. Hell, she'll be long gone. That's really put me off Paloma Faith, you know. Has it?

Yeah, how dare she? Well, I didn't feel she was being light-hearted. I just felt she was being... I'd say you're moments away from a knighthood. Was she being self-deprecating? No, I don't think she was being self-deprecating. I think she was genuinely saying that she just happened to come on a bad night. I'm not going to dress it up in any other way.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Here's a funny story. Here is a funny story. I was, I don't know quite how to put this, but I was in the bathroom this morning. And I'm wearing a pair of Calvin Classics today. Of course you are, my love. They're basically bootleg pants.

Not boot flare pants. No. Although that would be not... They're actually the opposite of that. I find that Calvin Classics cling really tight at the thigh. Except then the waistband comes asunder, doesn't it? Yes, they're not, this current pair are still holding up pretty strong. Oh, they're intact.

They're fairly new. But yeah, that's what happens is you pull your waistband up and it's just rubbing your armpits. Anyway, so I looked at the label. I've never really looked at the label before, but I was sitting there. I could see the label from where I was sitting, if you received my meaning. And it said on it very clearly, do not...

Let me get this right now. Oh, yes, it says, keep away from fire. Oh. Is that an instruction to men in the Vauxhall area? So I thought... I should say that fire is a well-known club in the Vauxhall area. I've always said there should be a pub next door called the Fryer Pack, but there isn't. And then I looked down at a towel that was on the floor, and it said on there, keep away from fire.

Is this the new thing now that things have on the label? This feels like more your area cockerel safety regulation advice to passing moths it's the new advice is to keep away from fire we've tried getting really near it over the years and it's better to keep away from it it doesn't seem very 21st century neanderthal man didn't need telling to keep alive from fire. But I just, it struck me. You're right, guys. You're really highlighting the infantilising of modern society. Yes, the nanny state.

That's right, yeah. Well done for illustrating that point, guys. Thanks very much. I'm sure we can't have text-ins today. What's happened to this show? It's gone awful. This is the most awful show ever. That's the trailer sorted. So I'm still touring.

Are you? Still going on. I love it when you're on tour. It's been... I was in Glasgow this week. Oh, how was that? It was a very nice gig. Was it?

Lovely hotel. Good. And a breakfast to die for. Scottish? Do you have the full Scottish fry? I didn't have the full scottish i mean the full scottish you don't know what that means there was a porridge station as they called it what's the porridge station which is a little table that just deals with porridge i thought you're working on north sea oil rig it's an actual station behold it there's a there's a bottle of whiskey on the porridge station. There's not. So you can put a bit of whiskey in your porridge first thing in the morning.

It's not for everyone. It's not for everyone, no. It's your lot. I said to the waitress, I said, excuse me, do people actually, I said, I'm referring now to the porridge station, do people actually put whiskey in their porridge? And she said, oh, I don't, but some people do. And she said to me in a very proud voice,

I never drink before midday. She was like 19. That's a good rule. And she said, oh, some days we have a Bloody Mary station. People have that. I thought, what? Bloody Mary? What?

This is the hotel I was searching for in the 80s. So I could have, it's sort of hair of the dog station. Anyway, I... Did you take advantage of the facility? Did they have a low alcohol whiskey? They didn't have that, sadly. They had a Serrano ham station. I mean, look, a big leg.

Did they have a Serrano ham station? No, they didn't have a station. It was stationery. But it was a big... Serrano ham! A breakfast? You could see the shape of the animal, yeah. You had to go and slice your own serrana. That's not breakfast. That's not like me eating my parents' leftovers when I was a child.

No, it was good. It made me feel again a bit Neanderthal. Neanderthal, as they say in probably the low countries. Did you have that after your porridge? Not answering that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, still on, still on.

Lots of hotels. Talked one about Corby Trouser Press. Do you take advantage of a trouser press? Never. I tried it once and nothing happened. It was just a waste of time. Tell one about Corby Trouser Press. Do you take advantage of a trouser press? Never. I tried it once and nothing happened. It was just a waste of time. Tell me about it.

Not on the man in a suit tour. It's not the right time, is it? I don't know. You'd think I'd be glad of it. I'm so used now to walking into doors with a flag over the top.

Why do hotels do that? They love a flag. Oh, externally, you mean? Yeah. I thought you meant outside your bedroom. Oh, no, I mean? I thought you meant outside your bedroom. Oh, no, I have that. What's going on?

With a star on it. Any particular country? Cameroon? Why did you choose Cameroon? I don't know. Do I seem to have those swivel hips of Roger Miller? Of old. I say of old.

But you're enjoying the life of the wandering minstrel. He did play for Cameroon. Yes, he did. You know when you say something you know and then people look at you like it's wrong. No, no, it was absolutely right. I have no confidence in myself. It's been my whole life, that story.

That's not true. It's not true at all. If anything, I have too much confidence. It's a Dustin G. What about this? I had an idea. Lovely. I um i was one of those for age no i haven't i was a bit taken about but can i just say it's quite a 70s thing to have i've got an idea yeah because all the people who had ideas were like that sinclair bloke who did the c5 those

are ideas now we've had them all now people do blogs. But I don't really have ideas anymore. But I was... Keep listening to the show, people. I was in a restaurant. I was in a restaurant. Lovely, thank. Thank you. Boozy porridge and parma ham with a side. And I said, wouldn't it be nice...

One of the nice things about eating out is a bit of variety seeing different people. And wouldn't it be nice if there was a place that just sold desserts oh yeah what would you call it i'm thinking frank frank skinners just desserts yeah many have been on the receiving end of those because then it would say that it was just desserts it would also be a sense that i deserved having had a an illustrious career early on and ended up with what i deserved, which is some minor role in catering.

I'm thinking neon italic sign. Yes. Are you, Cockrell? Yeah, alright. Maybe the S is for or not. What about this? I also thought je suis. Je suis. Absolutely sweet. Therefore says I am. I am. Just sweet. Absolutely sweet.

Therefore says I am. I am. That's it. That's so integral they are to you, the sweet thing. But also, using the just sweet. No, stop saying it's too complicated. It's not going to work. But that would be to draw people in just to find out what the sign meant. Sure it wouldn't.

People wouldn't go in and say, I wonder what that sign means. I'll go and eat that. I'll say, I'll tell you what it means. Why, you finished this lemon meringue pie, sir. He'll say, that's my method. I'm bearing in mind I've got like a red and white striped apron on. And maybe a false moustache. Oh, lovely.

I don't know what the catering rules are. Something of the Victorian strongman about your look. I don't want to put on a false moustache and then find I have to have netting around it for health and safety. Anyway, so I was... If Frank Skinner's just desserts, then you might increase the footfall, because people might think oh, it's...

we're allowed to get our revenge on Frank. People could turn up feeling... We're getting loads of people from television crews. Maybe a couple of Sony judges? Throw a brioche at him or something. You could put yourself at the stocks like it's a country fair or something. No, you've taken this idea to an unpleasant extreme.

What was the sweets one? I hated it. Pudding week as well, I thought. Just sweets. Je suis. Je suis. Hyphen. TS, you say. Je suis. Yeah, yeah all right he's so pleased with himself i am i've got another got another one i've got another title it might be the worst idea you've had since that got kwan show you decided you were gonna do well i said to the waitress in this restaurant i was eating in which is a normal japanese restaurant i said how would do you think a restaurant would do if they just sold... You didn't ask her. If they only sold desserts and it was called Just Desserts, how do you think...

And she said, why are you telling me this? It's really awkward. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Let's talk about Je Suis. Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Let's talk about Je Suis. Well, Je Suis, or Pudding Week, I thought.

Pudding Week. Pudding Week. Just spelt W-E-K. When I first started work, which was in a factory back in the 70s, I really need some music for this, but I don't think I've got any. Let's just imagine. I haven't seen that porn film so I'll send it it's not in the post like last time

you can send it they used to do this thing where you got paid a week in advance a week in hand, not in advance. Anyway, when you came up to your holidays, we all took the same holiday. Nobody chose their holidays. The factory closed down last week in July, first week in August,

which is known rather wonderfully as the industrial fortnight. But the week where you got your money for the holiday, so the week that counted for your holiday thing was called Pudding Week. Because you did all the overtime you could possibly do so that you could afford pudding on holiday was the theory. Oh, no. That's a nice priority. So Pudding Week, again, people would come in to find out what I meant by that.

And I'd say, well, I'll tell you that while you eat this Eccles cake. Just so you're aware, to be absolutely clear on this, I would never go in to find out what you meant by pudding week. No, but you're not a puddings person, are you? Oh, I like it. It's just sweet. Don't get me wrong. Not part of your target market by now, being a dessert.

No, no, I'm largely after the clinically obese. They're my crowd. I've already thought about the doors. Have you? I'm going to have those black, you know those sort of see-through plastic hang-down sheets you get in factories? Oh, I love those. You can take a forklift truck through this

and they just part naturally. I'm going for that. We'll find a way of securing it after hours if that's what you're worried about at home. So I thought, you know, I don't have many ideas, but I like that. And you could have takeaway, you know, if someone's in a bit of a rush, maybe on a diet, just have a couple of tonics.

Lovely. Tonics? Tonics. Tonics. You could have gin and tonics. That's what you could have. Gin and tonics. You could have gin and tonics. You laughed.

I've come up with the best idea of the morning so far. What's that? Gin and tonics. Because I said tonics by mistake. Well, did you come up with that? You threw down the raw materials, but I think it was assembled by... I fell upon it. ...by yours truly, as they say. It's priceless.

Anyway, so, yes. So there's that. I've got used to just living the high life while I've been on tour, and so I've started thinking in these sort of terms.'s very different really productive what you're doing well what you say that but when i am a restaurant king he was a restaurant yeah when i am like you know the little chef you're not that driven by food i you an ideas man yes you've had one you're going to have to get some of those chef glasses

like Heston, they all wear them now the chemistry glasses I'm not going in the kitchen what I'll do is I'll hang around I'll hang around now and again and then I'll sit at the table save to just a couple of diners and so did I ever tell you about the time I used to be on television? So how would you describe your role?

Right, if you're not a chef. It's cream-filled. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'm wearing the Haribo ring. Oh, nice.

That's, um... I'm going to wear this ring. Oh, nice. Oh, sweet. I'm going to wear this when I just wander around the restaurant telling anecdotes. Oh, yeah, you should. Is that going to be your signature look, is it? Yeah, there's always something sugar-based. Oh, be careful. Next to my skin. Don't go too near that naked hob, love.

I've got a little tip for you. Keep away from fire. I've got a little tip for you for on the road, if you're interested. Sometimes you can eat out too much, can't you? You just want something simple in your room. Here's what I've been doing lately. I've been buying, you know in the... Room service.

No, in non-room service, in your local Tesco Express or whatever it is. You know Sainsbury's Local? You go in one of them. A supermarket of some kind. A little supermarket near the hotel. You get a bag of salad like the Watercress or Rock and Roll. I don't like it so far. A bag of salad? Perhaps £1, £1.20.

I'd use that maybe if there was no pillow in the room. It's the only reason I'd ever buy a bag of salad. I'll finish, see if anybody fancies it. Well, I won't if it's a bag of salad. Open it, right? Oh, okay. At the top. Conventional won't if it's a bag of salad Open it, right Oh, okay Conventional So keep it in a bag form

This is a complex recipe And then you get a small tin of anchovies in olive oil That'll absolutely be lious Anchovies I like Just tip it in, give it a big old stir You're kidding me, oil as well? Yeah! What do you use to stir it?

A pencil, a complimentary pencil? Well actually I did tell you a story about how I used two little stylus, like, plastic teaspoon stirrers in one hotel. But, yeah, just use the teaspoon out of the cup. I'm not worried about the stirring. I'm worried about the consuming. And then you eat that. I eat that in the hotel.

I'm worried about the date. Complete. It's lucky you're settled. Because, frankly... It's probably two pounds for that healthy date. It's lucky you're settled. Because, frankly... It's probably £2 for that healthy salad. That's disgusting. Imagine if I went back with a guy to a hotel room and I said, can we order room service?

Hold on, one at a time, please. I know this is a stereo studio. No, but, Al, honestly... Ladies first. No, but I'm just thinking, what would I think if I saw that? If I was with a man and he was eating that? Yeah.

Sometimes I have to dispense with the spoon because I can't quite get enough on it. And so I just basically dip my head and my hand into the bag and eat it, you know, like the Chinese with chopsticks. I sort of flick it in my face. You've sort of married the idea of horrible fast food eating. But you've taken healthy food and dragged that into the same mess. Yeah, I suppose.

It's so functional. It's really functional. You can't just eat it in the bathroom. I've been eating a lot of mixed cereals. That's my thing. Oh. Which ones then? So I get a bowl and I'll have...

Is this at the buffet? Yeah, so I'll have All Brand Corn cornflakes, rice krispies. All together? All in the same thing. I mean, you'd never do that at home. Think of all the boxes gaping at you. But there they're in bowls. I'll just do what I like.

And do you top with yoghurt? I don't top with yoghurt. Orange juice? I go fruit plate. I always go fruit plate. No, I have a couple of slices of serrano on top, like a lid. Of course you do. Like a pie crust.

There's very little food that wouldn't be improved with a bit of serrano on top, like a lid. Of course you do. Like a pie crust. There's very little food that wouldn't be improved with a bit of serrano ham on top, I think. And I tell you what, I was in Liverpool and there was a lot of autograph hunters. Oh, lovely. That's nice for you, darling. Yeah, but the unnerving thing is they were waiting at the hotel. Oh, that is unnerving. You don't want them to know where you're staying.

I don't know where you're playing, but not where you're staying. Not these days. But then they were at the gig as well. I'm getting slightly distracted by your Haribo ring. Okay, yes, a lot of girls do. Like a strange confectionery pope. So the next morning I was leaving the hotel and there were the same autograph hunters

and I thought, they're just crazy about me. And as I was leaving the hotel, Helen McCrory, the actress, was also leaving Vampires of Venice. Peaky Blinders. Oh, really? No, she's had that fixed now. Oh, has she?

And she stepped out and they were all over her and they just completely ignored me. I felt like Jennifer Aniston. And then Paloma Faith popped up you don't get the big celebrities at these hotels she was right in hindsight but no I didn't I felt hurt by these people

I'd signed about 93 leaflets and now it's Helen McCrory who seemed lovely can I say she's with that Damien Lewis I've heard that he was brilliant on the bosses like oh cool this is frank skinner

sorry about that but it's lovely you don't want the agitation at home of hearing a man with a slight um find that very annoying so i bought um my son you know i have a nearly two-year-old yes i'm called boss i bought him a uh a mr potato head oh they're still going those aren't they well this was actually the in the style of the 11th Doctor. Oh. So it's a sort of Matt Smith. I'm glad you told me. I didn't know who that was. Yeah. With a fez and all that. Does he wear a fez, does he?

He wears a fez occasionally. Personality hat. Sonic screwdriver and all that. And a what hat? Personality hat. Well, that's not what Tommy Cooper's wife said. hat. Well, that's not what Tommy Cooper's wife said. But I didn't realise that Mr Potato Heads now include a plastic version of the potato. Oh, I'm glad you said that. Yeah. Do they really? When I used to buy them as a child, when they were bought for me, you

just got pointy ears and nose and eyes. And then you had to add a potato. Yes, you did. You used it. It had an organic element. You actually really used a potato, which I thought helped me to learn about tubers in general. It was educational.

But now, I don't know if it's a health and safety thing. You get the plastic potato included I wonder if it's the fight against the national obesity epidemic that they don't encourage children to handle heavy carbohydrates I was going to say I approve of it wholeheartedly

I suppose because they have to be quite spiky the things to go in the potato and they might stick that in a domestic pet if you wanted to put extra you know that ear on the back of the mouse the things to go in the potato and you might stick that in a domestic pet yes if you wanted to put extra you know that ear on the back of the mouse which they said was genetics

it was just a Mr Potato Head ear for a child I find them very distressing the potato heads it's just that the anatomy is all wrong I obey you and Charles isn't listening I'd be mortified. The shoes are directly connected with the neck.

And I never trust a man whose shoes nestle under his neck. It's a good rule. It is a good rule. Do you find that? Everything's... A bit worried about that. Politically correct. No, you know what I mean.

It's a bit Ricky Gervais, the whole theory. No, but you know what I mean. This is a bit Ricky Gervais, the whole theory. No, but you know what I mean. There's not even a semblance of a leg. And where are the pants? You've gone to all that trouble. They've put on a hat. And the glasses. But he's dispensed with the panty. I must admit,

panty. Hat and no trousers is a bit top cat. But, um, I think that's all right. Never troubled me. I know you pointed out it's gross. And shoes. I never thought about it until you... May I say, and shoes.

That's the worst part of it. Well, you know... Naked, naked with shoes. I love that look. Like when Katie Hill used to wear trainers with a skirt on Lou Peter. Mm-hm. Yeah, she was a bit of a potato head figure looking back.

The only one else you'd care to insult. Well, I've got a list here, but you know, we've got another couple of hours to kill. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what we haven't talked about. What about Harry?

What about Prince Harry and Cressida? Oh, yes. Oh, it's all gone wrong. Oh, hold on. Before I do that, I have to say that this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's all right, just chuck it in, Absolute Radio. You can tweet us on the... Frank on the radio. And you can email us through the Absolute Radio website.

But don't text, because we're not live. We're not. Sorry, yes. No, we need to talk about Harry and Cressida. Did you ache for Cressida? Well, I'll tell you why I ached for her. The statement. I don't know if it was an official statement,

but apparently they're taking a breather and one of the reasons cited was she's taking some time off to focus on her career. Oh, that's not good. Well, she can't focus on his. I mean, I know they did Jesus' head on the head of a needle, but his would take a bit of spotting. I must admit...

That's a bit leaving to spend more time with the family, isn't it? Yeah, well, I'm not... I know that the very posh have feelings. I'm not saying that they don't. But I read a couple of... I read about this story in the Daily Mail and I never bothered to write down a quote. But there was a couple of things and I thought, you know,

these are not to be ignored. Go on. Including the bit about her focusing on her whatever career. Yeah. It says she recently graduated from the Laban School of Dance and is currently working for a marketing company in Soho while deciding what to do next. How does that work?

Cressida, could you do a bit of filing? I'm deciding what to do next, thank you. Well, yeah, but we are paying... Where are you? Look, I'm deciding. It's very hard work, actually. That can't be... You know, you can secretly decide what to do next,

but you can't go to a job and say, I'd like to come and sit here while I'm deciding what to do next. Maybe she's just taking the money and then she's deciding what to do next before 9am and after 5pm. Perhaps she clocks off and she's straight into thinking about it. No, but you're right, these people...

You've forgotten how many options she's got. Deciding what to do next when we were young people didn't take long. That's what my dad said to a posh friend of mine. He said, I'm taking a year off. And my dad said, a year off what? Oh! Zing. Very good.

Mikey. Sharp. But apparently they're still the best of friends. Are they buffalo, to use one of your phrases, Frank? Exactly. No, they're not. Frank says you can't really be friends with someone once you've seen their gentleman's excuse name.

I don't think you can repeat that. But there is some truth in that. Can I give you another quote? Yeah, you can. This is about Harry. I think it's fair's fair. We'll do one. Last Tuesday, he was seen at a Mayfair club with friends.

Wait for it. Wait for it. James Haskell, the England rugby star, stockbroker Adam Bidwell, and Viscount Early. Viscount Early? Viscount Early? Viscount Early, his sister, you may remember, a contracted worm. That's some posse that he hangs with, isn't it?

Can I say I wish I had Viscount Early on my speed dial? That's his gang. What about a stockbroker called Adam Bidwell? That's his character from a short story, surely. It's a Dickens one, surely. Was Peregrine not with them? He's always with them normally. Peregrine?

Yeah. No. Don't you know anyone called that? I bet you don't. Well, Guy Pelly wasn't with them. Oh, Guy Pelly. He's getting married. He's getting married soon, yeah.

Yeah. Peregrine's probably got an eye for the birds, hasn't he? Oh! Of course, when the royals have a stag party, they actually kill some magnificent animals. They do. Yeah, so I know it's horrible being dumped and all that, but reading about it has really made me think,

you know, I'd forgotten how posh the royal family were. Really? Let's have a look at that sentence. No, but you know when people watch watch made in chelsea and say oh god can you believe these people they don't say that about the royal family but the royal family are exactly exactly that maybe even more so but i couldn't work out who did the dumping because it said that she had broken off because yeah and then i read that he'd broken it off because she was too needy.

She's needy. No, I think he said she was knee-deep in dead partridges. That was their last weekend away. Yeah, but that's because of I count early. Yes. It's not the kind of nickname you want if you're playing the field. True. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

So, speaking of proper English So, Cressida and... Oh, yeah I wish you'd go out with Egg on Rhone They'd be Egg and Cress, they'd be known as Egg and Cress? Is he still alive? There'll be another one of your cafes

Is he still alive, Egg on Rhone? No, I don't believe so Don't text in, alive? There's going to be another one of your cafes. Is he still alive, Egon Rowney? No, I don't believe so. Don't text in because we're not live. No. Yeah. Unless you're Egon Rowney. Don't text in, Egon.

Because if Egon Rowney texts in today and then he dies before Saturday, we're going to read out that Egon Rowney's alive and he won't be. No, we can't have that. Can I say I felt for her being called needy? Yeah, me too, by the royal family, the people that need the most of any family in the world. I mean, come on, that's a bit rude, isn't it? That's a bit harsh, isn't it? Well, they've got their own biscuit manufacturing company in Cornwall.

They've got a lot of stuff, but isn't it all supported somewhat by them needing the money of everybody else? It's fair to call them co-depend yeah i suppose you're right says the man in the haribo pinky ring um but yeah i don't like that needy to me if you say someone's needy i think that's the most off-putting thing to say of someone well yeah, yeah. And strangely, I am quite needy, but I don't want anyone to say it of me. No, I would never say that if you don't want to. Needy sounds like the sort of woman that says, fine, and off. You know, those fine women.

I know. Yeah. I know. That reminded me of the thing that Kath started doing now on the phone. What? She goes, I call her and she'll go, hello, hello, before I've had a chance to reply, as if I've done something wrong. She's got this thing that there's something wrong with my phone.

So, hello, hello. I get all tense. Just repeating it gives me the, back off. That's what I say. Oh, the things that woman tolerates. What about Clooney? Oh, what about Clooney? That's a shocker, isn't it? He's been I say. Oh, the things that woman tolerates. What about Clooney? Oh, what about Clooney? That's so shocking.

Lani, he's been snapped up. You know... Sorry, girls. Brilliant. Oh, hold on. Tom Cruise is still available, though, which is the good news. Listen, you can hear Ahab doing his midnight walk. Oh, is it squeaking?

That'd be the captain looking for the big white one. People are going to think they've tuned into a Radio 4 play now. Well, no. It's a great play. It's better than that. Also, I'm finishing my sentences, which they never do on Radio 4 plays. What about... Susan, you mean you didn't...

I hate it when it goes quiet. I'm sorry, Guy, but you never really... And then it goes quiet, and the next to you hear his footsteps. Yeah. Oh, I can't bear it. I like them, so if anybody wants to cast me in them, I'm available. Oh, I'd love to be in them. Have you done any radio plays, Frank? But even if I was in one, I wouldn't listen to it.

I was in a lovely radio play. I was in The Rotters Club. Oh, were you? On radio? I was in The Swiss Banker. Okay. It was Banker. OK. It was called that. Yeah. Adam Bidwell. Is that his name?

I don't know. Someone Bidwell. What was your part? I played daughter. OK. Is that a Swiss name? I don't know. It was about a racehorse.

Hold on. It's about a Swiss Banker. It's about a daughter. It's about a racehorse. No, the horse's about a Swiss banker, it's about a daughter, it's about a racehorse. No, the horse was called... Well, I think it's a sort of... The horse was called the Swiss banker. Oh, well, why did you deliberately mislead me?

It's making a fool of myself. Because you're wearing a Haribo ring. OK, well, that's fair enough. But when I take it off, don't let that happen again. OK. Of course, when I take it off, I'll suddenly become visible again. That'll shock you all. Absolute, don't let that happen again. OK. Of course, when I take it off, I'll suddenly become visible again. That'll shock you all. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's taken a while to get married, hasn't it? He's been married, hasn't he? George Clooney! He's been married, but it ended badly. See, I think that might be the clue. I think what happened was... The clue?

I think he was out on a date. He's known as the clue. That's what they're calling it i wonder if it is that's a good did you think after the divorce his wife said i'm sorry i haven't a clue i think they went out on a date him and this beautiful british yes she said give us a clue and she sounds like someone drowning. At the end of the day, he said... Is that all right? Is that all right? I think it's all right. Daisy, is that all right?

I was trying to steamroll her over it. It's all right. OK. I reckon at the end of the day, he said... What's that? It's a can of beer. You're in cans of pop on the show. I was just having a can of break.

You can't just open a can of something. It's all right. They're people like you to sound real. Do they? We did that. Not this real. When I did that play, Swiss Banker. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that was my favourite thing, the sound effects. I had to run upstairs. Daddy! And did you have to turn pieces of paper over away from the microphone? No, we... Oh, yeah, yeah, we had to do that as well. Good. Anyway, so as you were, Cockrell, Amal and Labadin.

So, yeah, they go on the date. What's that? It's a horse just passing. There's the Swiss banger, Daddy! Of course it is. That's how I imagine Cressida just got it out of her system, just got on a horse and just rode. Yeah.

That's how I get over relationships. How's that drink going you just opened live on air? It's lovely. Thank you. I can't say what drink it is, but it involves a member of the medical fraternity and a condiment. Spice. It's a spice, really. Carry on. I reckon...

I'm getting your reactions, live as they happen, to the drink you've opened live on air. I think at the end of the day, he said, do you want to come back to mine for coffee? She said yes. They went there and he had loads. You know those little bullet machines? She thought, oh God, he's got loads of coffee. I'm in. I've got those. Yeah, I've got those, but they're expensive.

Expensive to buy them, innit? Oh, here we go. Not now, for her. I'm not saying she's just in it for the coffee. I'm sure she's got a few, Bob. Yeah, definitely. I'm not suggesting that. I don't know. She's the full Monty, though, isn't she? She's got it all. You know what? She's got it all. I wouldn't go out with a member of the legal

profession. Can you imagine that? Why not? First date, you just have to give your name and address, and then it says, we'll reconvene in two weeks. Then you turn up again. You don't do weekends, and that includes Fridays. I have to say, it's gone off of my estimation, that he's gone for one of these clever ones. Yeah, but he's always been a bit on the clever side.

No, he's gone for the cocktail waitresses as well. Yeah, but I think he cares about the world. Oh, does he? Yeah. You can care about the world and Lisa Snowden. They're not usually exclusive. No, that's true. Yeah, and he's done both of those.

He's, you know, he's got... He's a Renaissance man. Till this week, I've always thought I would get on with him, because he seems all right, and he's done both of those. You know, he's got, he's a Renaissance man. Till this week, I've always thought I would get on with him, because he seems all right, doesn't he? No, don't it? This has put you off. No, I'll tell you what happened. It said in the paper, oh, he cares deeply about international affairs.

And as we've talked about before, World News is a chapter of the newspaper that I really... No, I think he means going with women from other countries. Oh, okay. Yeah, we will get on. He can talk to me about that. No, I think he's a man who enjoys the smell of cheap perfume,

but also cares about the plights of political prisoners in Central America, and I think that's a good combo. He's hit the jackpot with this bird. And he's a hunter. Yeah, and I'm sure that's what his text was. Yeah. He's hit the jackpot with this bird. And he's a hunter. Yeah, and I'm sure that's what his text was. Yeah. To Harrison Ford.

I imagine he texts him quite a lot. Harrison, bit old and doddery, can't work out how to text back. Bit grumpy as well. Bit grumpy. Yeah. He answers the phone like, hello? I bet his texts are a sea of white. Never replied to any of them.

No green at all because he can't work out how to do it. What's that dad thing? What? Is it Clooney? The clue? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I believe we're going to move into Email Corner. Nobody puts email in the corner. No. Well, today we do. Email Corner Touch the sitar there.

I'm just getting at one with the universe. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. Frank, I have often thought that you and I would be great chums if only we had met. We seem to have so many things in common. However, having done some deep podcast research, I've come across a few things that might jeopardise our friendship. One, I am 50 and I have a flat stomach. Can I just take a moment to say congratulations on that?

Is he suggesting that I don't? I think he's just suggesting that that means that you wouldn't like him, but I don't recall you saying that. I don't. I think he's just suggesting that that means that you wouldn't like him, but I don't recall you saying that. I don't. I don't have a flat stomach. I have a terrible little plum-type paunch. That's not true. You've got a lovely little physique. Look, 15 flat stomach is worth bragging about. Are you kidding? What are you doing?

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. He's getting it out. What are you doing? There'll be people in the other studio. When I slapped my stomach down, there was a whole cloud of skin cells rose up. It did. I don't like that much. It looked a bit like someone beating a carpet out on the back. Two. Amala Lamadon.

If she goes down for the third time, she's dead. Two. I really like the London Olympic symbol. Well, nobody liked that. No, I hated that. We have nothing in common, me and this person. Obviously foolish. Well, hold your high horses.

Let's hear it. Three, I enjoyed Black Swan. I haven't seen that. My worst film ever. Haven't seen it. Haven't seen Kez. I'll put them both on the list. Do not work on ornithological themed title films.

It's just a rule of mine. What about The Wild Geese? Didn't like that? No, I've not seen that. The Birds? No. Oh, Hitchcock. I've seen that, yeah.

Maltese Falcon? I've seen that as well, I think. Anything with Stephen Seagal? Yeah, I've seen quite a few Stephen Seagal films. Pirates of the Caribbean? He's good, yes. Okay, I'm going into character names now. Four, I'm very happy to have an apple in my packed lunch.

Now, hang on. Why don't you like that, then? I've said this before. Apples, they are the worst of the fruit. Apples are good. No, no, five. Why don't you like an apple? It's like if someone enclosed tap water.

If it was just to get an apple skin and fill it with tap water and solidify it, that wouldn't taste any different. Oh, that's very controversial. Sounds like you're eating bad apples, I would say. There ain't no good apples. How do you like them apples? One bad apple can ruin... Anyway.

I like the fact that this person's saying I'm very happy to... I'm a bent copper. There ain't no good apples. I like the fact that this person's saying I'm very happy to... I was fine turning to a strange bent copper. There ain't no good apples. I like the person saying I'm very happy to have an ankle in my packed lunch as if they're five years old. Who's doing their packed lunch? This person's done his research, though. These are all things I've mentioned that I don't like.

Five, I very much appreciate the work of Sylvia Plath. Have you had a go at her? I did. Well, I did. I read some aeriallvia some aerial poems recently and i i wasn't impressed but it wasn't a good day for me i was all over the plath so i'm gonna give her another try so that one the jury's out on there as um well is that what um george clooney when he says how was that for you darling, will she say, well the jury's out actually. Very good.

Taking the above into account. Whereas the jury's in, I find to be a very economical place to stay. Absolutely. There's no whiskey in the porridge there. I very much appreciate the work. Taking the above into account, can we still be buddies and that from Metlock. Metlock? Metlock. I do like the name Metlock. I can't be friends with a supervillain. I think it's a

non-deplume me, but what do I know. Isn't it an area of Derbyshire? Oh yeah, maybe it's. Oh yeah. Sorry, but I can't be friends with a supervillain. I think it's a non-deplume me, but what do I know? Isn't it an area of Derbyshire? Oh, yeah, maybe it's... Oh, yeah. Sorry, but I can't be friends with a settlement. No, we have nothing in common, though, Metlock, apart from the fact that you know me intimately. I like one and four, Metlock.

I like the flat stomach at 50, good work. And I like the fact that you like an apple in your packed lunch. Good work, also. Yeah, but that's how he got a flat stomach at 50, good work. And I like the fact that you like an apple in your packed lunch, good work also. Yeah, but that's how you go on a flat stomach at 50. Yeah. You know what I like in my packed lunch? Probably that and loads of core work. Seventies approach the dieting. Eat loads of fruit, it's great for you.

Yeah, I like a chocolate eclair in my packed lunch. Do you? You know, sometimes the actual chocolate, it isn't really chocolate, is it? I don't know what it is on the chocolate, but you can peel it off. You don't want that in hot Tupperware for the whole day. I don't think I've ever had a packed lunch. I'll make you one. Next.

And now for the travel with Sandy Waugh. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can we stay in the email corner, please? We're there. OK. This is from Matt334. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan.

Welcome, Matt. I'd like to thank Frank for his participation in a dream I had the other night. Uh-oh. Once again, not my words, but the words of 334. Frank and I were attending an elocution lesson. As we chatted to others present, a lady in front of us turned around. Did she turn around? She turned around and she said, uh...

You asked her what she was hoping to get out of the class. I'm forward. That sounds so like you. Yeah, it really does. What are you hoping to get out of this class? In an accent identical to John Travolta's in Saturday Night Fever, she said, I'm trying to make my S's not sound like Z's. Would you care to...

Would you guys care to have a go at that? Is he sort of like New York? Is he like that? Trying to make my S's sound less like Z's. Acting student? Is that what he likes to learn? Yeah. I'm trying to make my Ses sound more like Z's. Was that learned?

Yeah. Trying to make my asses sound more like Z's. The simple fact is we need to workshop this for a week. I think mine was the best. Frank and I burst out laughing. Me too. Didn't we? I laughed so much that as I woke up...

Can I ask, what were we laughing at? Her voice. OK. I'm trying to make my answers sound more like these. Apparently that really tickled you guys in the dream. I laughed so much that as I woke up, I was still laughing. Wow. It was the most wonderful way to start a day.

I know dream chatter is normally quite dull, but waking up laughing, in a real departure from this, seems to be a rare but fantastic experience. Thanks, Frank, for your subconscious involvement. Not the first person to say that. No, true. Carl Jung said that as well to you. He did.

And I woke up laughing. I was under anaesthetic at the time in his restroom. I, um, I, can people wake up laughing i mean i've lied about that in the past have you i've never woke up next to someone just lay there laughing and they've woke up and said what you're laughing at and i've said oh no i just woke up laughing it was like a dream thing um i too want to have a theory about this you know that thing you can get called foreign accent syndrome? Oh, yeah.

When people go into a coma and they come up with a different accent. I think that this person in their dream has gone to that subconscious place where that condition lives. Really? Because it does suggest that when people are out, they go to elocution lessons and learn different. So I think he's found that place in the psyche where people adopt their new accents and he's gone there... It's a shame I don't believe that, isn't it? You don't believe that? No. You don't believe in foreign accents, Andrew?

No, I just think it's such a weird thing. Even like George Michael when he woke up Cornish after his... Yeah, but leave Cornish out of this. Yeah. No wonder Adam and Joe aren't on anymore. Oh yeah, he did. George Michael had a Cornish accent, didn't he? Yeah, yeah.

Love you. Yes. I like the fact that you haven't even entertained the question, why would you be at elocution lessons? You're a successful broadcaster. I've been salty, let's be honest. And he's thinking this bloke needs exactly that. But it's...

I wonder if the people from Jamaica Inn No she went over her own accord were at this yeah my wife's gone to LQ she listens

Jamaica Inn yes she played the female smuggler doesn't quite work as a joke Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I believe we're still in the corner, the corner of emails, the email corner here. Yes. Good. Greetings one and greetings all, this one begins. Oh, lovely, Bob Cratchit. Nice start. Frank, last week you were urging inventors to get into their sheds and invent a shoelace tying device. Small fry. Hold it. Before you go, can I say,

it was a sort of a shoelace tying assist device. So the idea was it was an extending heel on the shoe so you didn't have to find any way to put your foot. So attractive that sounded. What? Extending heel on his shoe. Just for the moment of tying the thing and then it goes back in, it retracts.

Although this person has pointed out the foolishness of that in a way. Like, if you're going to go through that trouble to just have a little balance, why not just invent something that actually helps you tie them and you don't even have to stoop over at all? Because I want to tie them. You know why I want to tie them?

Why? It took me about two years to learn to tie my shoelaces, I remember, at school. I was the last one in our class to manage it. I'm not going to throw that away. That's why I don't have a digital watch. It took me a similar period to learn how to tell the time. That's a good point. Well made. Anyway, they continue.

Small fry, there are bigger and better things, my friend. Years ago, on Tomorrow's World, James Burke reported on work being carried out to extract sound waves embedded in artists' canvases. Wow. This is the kind of stuff we should be pursuing. Can you imagine hearing the actual words of Da Vinci as he painted The Scream?

I don't know if that's a deliberate joke there, because... Yes, he didn't. That would be Edvard Munch. It would, yeah. Who used to get very hungry after marijuana, apparently. I'm not sure the scream is painted, is it? I think it's... No, I think it is.

It is painted. What do you think, it's a photo? I think it's some sort of lithograph. I thought it was chalk on board, but... Oh, now you've opened a whole can of... I'm looking at a Sky Portrait show. ...Viscount Earlies. Can you imagine hearing the actual words of Da Vinci

as he pated the screen? Or Rubens saying to an Udlisk. Is that right? I know what that is. Udlisk. Yes. No, no, no, the bottom more towards me. Is that a little...

Oh. Oh, yeah. No, an Udlisk is a... It's someone who works in a...... Oh, yeah. No. Frank? No, Adelisk is someone who works in a... Now, hold on. OK. I would say harem. What would you say? Hareem.

I would say hareem. OK. I think I've got that from... Harem, scareem, that's your... What about harem? No, but there is an Elvis film called Harem, Scareem, which involves some action in a... No, but you say albino, and you said brosser albinos.

Yeah, you're saying they aren't? Brosser albinos sounds... No, but interestingly, now you come to mention it, Elvis' film, Harem Scare-Em, when it came to England, was changed to, well, what I thought was Harem Holiday. Have you told 3am? Because that's a bit short on news today. Well, I'm sorry.

I won't say anything else. How about that for a show? Oh, do I love you so dearly. He continues, Frank, get yourself a big button phone, some Velcro shoes and free up your life for the good stuff. Bobby Knight, PS, on which paintings would you each like to eavesdrop? He sounds like a bit of a free love character. Free up your life for the good stuff.

Dr Feelgood. Yeah, what paintings would you like to be there and hear? What about Franz Hals, The Laughing Cavalier? Oh, what would the joke be? Well, you'd want to hear that. The truth is, he's not actually laughing. Is he The Laughing Cavalier? He's just smiling a bit, isn't he?

He's only just about smiling. But perhaps he's just finished laughing. So hang on, is it that you're meant to be able to hear what's in the picture or what i think you hear what's going on because it soaks up the sound waves why it's being painted oh well most paintings nowadays surely you just hear the radio in the background i bet there's i bet tracy emin who's listening to this show but she channel hops listens hops, listens. Do you think? While she's there going, oh, I want that bit over there. Yeah, but Franz Howells wasn't tuned into Amsterdam FM. I imagine that you'd hear the cavalier laughing in a sort of slightly dodgy way.

Ho, ho, ho. True. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Yeah. Like that. There's a big picture in Manchester Art Gallery of a Viking funeral, and if you could actually hear that happening, it would be really crackly, There's a big picture in Manchester Art Gallery of a Viking funeral.

And if you could actually hear that happening, it would be really crackly because it's a boat that's on fire. I don't really want to hear fire, love. And some real swearing, I imagine. I bet the Vikings put that boat out with some potty mouths, didn't they? I want to hear talk. Well, far be it for me to quote the Calvin classics, but keep away from fire. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, but do not text, for we are not live this week. Third time I think we haven't been live i'd rather be life keep it live that's what i say but you know keep it real yeah better no no he did not say keep it real he's keeping it real he's a big keep it real guy keep it real is the name of my new angling show for Sky. I'm looking forward to it.

Is Chris Tarrant in that? He's a guest one week. Is he? Vinnie Jones. Got a gas there. Is he Vinnie Jones? Oh, yeah. And Mark Almond is doing it.

You know, it's a shot in the dark. We didn't think he'd say yes, but no, he's doing it. Brilliant. He likes those waders, I would, but no, he's doing it. Brilliant. He likes those waders, I would imagine. Yeah, he does. Anyone else? Anyone else confirmed? No, no. I don't even know if I'm supposed to have said this.

It's the only thing we're supposed to have kept quiet. Sanjeev Bhaskar, waiting to confirm. Keep it real. Real. That's what it is, isn't it? Keep it real. Yeah. I'm surprised that hasn't been done, though. I mean, that is... You know, but people say

that about a lot of things I do. They sure do. They say I'm surprised that has been done. Just desserts. Yeah. Frank Skinner's just desserts. You wait till that there's one of them on every high street. You're basing that on Bob

Monkhouse's Opportunity Knocks. Opportunity Knocks? Yeah, yeah. A little bit, aren't you? Let's be honest. Not really. OK. What about Frank Skinner's Opinionated? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. What about Bruce's The Price is Right? Everything you do has Frank Skinner in front of it, like trademark now. Yeah, what a brand. What about Susanna Reid? Talking of what a brand. Oh, yeah. Oh, of course, she started a new job. It was the new daytime show, yeah.

GMB. Oh, he's down with all the lingo. Found that quite sexy. Say it again. Good morning, Britain. GMB. Good morning, Britain. I bet firm Britain's thinking I should have been on that. Yeah. And also, when I was on This Morning, they should have called it This Morning Britain.

That's a good point, yeah. Do you like? So she's the new host. She came over from BBC, didn't she? She did. In a big... In a fanfare. Oh, yeah.

I think she was going to say in a big Volvo. Yeah, she did. Well, they're very safe, apparently. It's funny you should mention cars, because the overriding review of the morning of the first show... Can I hang on? I haven't actually seen it this week. I haven't been up that early.

I have, because I'm the demographic. I have, but not with the telly. But the overwhelming opinion was... Did you say you've seen it, but not with the telly on? I've been up that early, but not with the teller i've been up i've been up that early but not with the television on oh i say i didn't want you to know what you're doing i thought you'd seen it in a vision my uh some pharaoh's dream yeah we find that if we put the

television on the children want it on kids telly so it's better to not put the television on on a morning at all except on weekends when they can have some cartoons on netflix oh so there you go you did ask no no there'll be people all over britain this is grown-up time which is what i say my nieces yeah i pour myself a nice vodka and tonic and watch good morning britain what a beautiful insight see I have a vodka and tonics. So, okay, so... Anyway, so the overwhelming review or opinion was that there was something missing, which was her legs. Yes. Because she was sat behind a desk. Oh, God, I thought she'd been in a terrible...

No, she was sat behind a desk for a large portion of the show. Yeah. And one of the... I think it might have been a tweeter, they all are these days, aren't they? Maybe it was the guy from Many Fools and Horses. Oh yeah, Boise. Said, why buy a Ferrari and then keep it in the garage? Well, if you were going to sell it on at some point in the future and it hadn't been driven, it would be worth more money, wouldn't it? That's exactly it.

They bought Susanna Reid for lying down, as they say in the wine industry. I've got a theory about this. I think they're having her behind that desk for the first hour or so because she's realised she's on really early and she wants to keep her jogging bottoms on under her dress for the first hour of the day. And maybe some of those big thick thermal socks with grips on. Also, get them wanting more. Keep your powder dry.

Perhaps they think that legs, exposed legs, is a bit too much first thing in the morning. That's how I felt about the Serrano ham, I'll be honest with you. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

So this is Susanna Reid. So this Susanna Reid... This Susanna Reid. Yeah, with her legs. Another one said, how to lose, how to lose, but they spelt it loose. How to loose viewers from the off. Put Susanna Reid behind a desk. She was popular for a reason. Good morning, Britain.

Goodness me. I thought we'd moved on from this kind of approach to women presenters people no you see you condemn me uh i think it was last week for saying that i like beauty contests on the television you know swimwear and high heels was that before or after i said i like your bird george looney no but if that was on then you said there wouldn't be any people wouldn't be like this but if you completely suppress, it will ooze out all over the place. You could have a nice, healthy beauty contest, and then people would be glad to have presenters who look like presenters and not going to show their legs. OK.

That's just what I'm saying. It's like catharsis. Yeah, but those are her best assets. I don't know if they are, because I actually think she's got lovely everything, to be honest. Yeah, she's nice. Yes, but surely she's an extremely professional presenter. She is. She is. I... So there'd be no place for her in this studio.

Why don't we have a breakfast show called Good Looking People in Their Underwear? Where everyone on it is just good looking. And how do they talk, Frank? What do they say to people? No, they do all the proper stuff. Yeah, but they can't talk to these people. No, but she can. She could be there in her underwear doing the show.

And then you wouldn't get those horrible virals of her accidentally showing her pants on BBC Breakfast. Yes, I've looked at them, but only for journalism. Journalism? It's true. I think people would watch. If you brought out a breakfast show, good-looking people in their underwear presenting it,

everyone would watch it. Yeah. That's what's gone wrong with this country. I'm getting quite aroused. What about you? Besides what they've done, they haven't, what, where's their light on this show? Where's their light? You know when ITV

had their first thing, they had Roland Ratt. Oh yeah. Oh I was wondering what they've got instead of Roland Ratt, Andy Peters. They've not got Andy got any features on yeah andy peters i thought he was a producer now no he's roaming he's out of the closet or whatever they like genial vermin i'm what about roland rat well that's what they like we had a rat who told you me me, Kevin. And people liked that. Oh, it's like watching Mike Yarwood again. I love that. They had Giles Brandreth in his sweater.

No, but Frank, that's what I've got now, Andy Peters. He's the man on the road. No, but he's not the same as Roland Ratt, is he? I mean, there's nothing... I'll be the judge of that. I won't have it said. He's not the same. No. No, they need a sort of comedy...

Maybe it's time for Gordon the Gopher to come out of retirement. Oh, yeah. Oh, he was a great character. No expense spared. No expense spent. But yeah, I think her legs are her best feature. Do you think?

Well, I don't know her best feature, but she's got good legs. Nice hair. Lovely hair. Nice teeth. I've got to be honest, I'd say your legs are one of your best features. You've got lovely legs. But I work behind a desk. That is...

And you put them in that suit. It's like having a Ferrari and keeping it in the garage this show, isn't it? You're behind a desk now. With those lovely legs of yours. But I have to hide my pot belly. So what I really should... When I do a show, I should be standing next to a stable door. And I have the bottom bit open, which is my legs.

And then the upper bit close and I can speak through a knot hole. Do you still get knot holes? Snot holes? No. Oh, God, I can't believe. I just can't believe. What about Alan's eyes?

Lovely. I say we were just talking during that last track and a trailer for Alan's sitcom came on. Oh, wow. So proud. We screamed, didn't we? And he was on it a lot.

Every time he appeared, we all cheered and stuff. It was a lovely, united moment. Lazy, the producer went, it's like fireworks. It was a bit like fireworks. Big flash and then gone. LAUGHTER This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

So, uh Oh, I watched Boz is just starting to get into watching the telly now And we watched his first ever wildlife program Lovely And it was, you know, the usual thing,

leopards leaping through snow and... No terror? No. Well, there was a bit of occasion. I had to cover his eyes now and again. There was the odd crocodile attack and things. But in the main, it was just, you know, beautiful photography, the usual stuff.

Did you like it then? I have to say, I've always hated natural history programmes, wildlife programmes. That's because you're a naturist. I just sit there just tedious in the extreme. But, you know, I could see them through his eyes. And he started really laughing. He was absolutely falling about laughing. I don't mean it like meerkats.

I mean things like lions. Was he? And I started to think, you know, you're right. They are hilarious. They were doing a bit of business, were they? They're just, you know, they've got things like lions. And I started to think, you know, you're right. They are hilarious. They're doing a bit of business, were they? They've got stuff like tails. I mean, how ridiculous is that? And the figure.

The figure of the lion. Yeah. As we've discussed on the show. It has a big head and a very small waist. Yeah, so I've discovered them anew now. And I'd forgotten how funny wildlife is. I love a bit of wildlife, me. I think the animal charity should cash in on that. Lay off the tragedy. Yeah. And hide in the comedy. Go from mask to mask, as twir. Yeah, that's a good idea. Also this

week. Yeah. I, um, I, uh, spent a few bomb. What did I buy? Oh, go on, then. Hang on, let me guess. Aston Martin. No. A beanbag. Oh, is that the guess I gave up? A beanbag. I felt you had a way to go.

You started with Aston Martin. Sleazy 1970s university professor. That's the look I'm after. That's a look you've got, my friend. No, it's not. It's a big, like a, I mean, a double. It takes two people easily, size beanbag. Does it? It's a beauty.

Am I getting confused here, or have you told a story about buying a massive beanbag before? Have you already got one? Is this how well you're doing? You're going, I've got another massive beanbag. Well, I've had beanbags in the past, but this is the first one I've purchased for a while. Oh, God, I've had a terrible deja vu.

You've got another house somewhere with loads of bean bags that you've forgotten about it. You couldn't use those bean bags with your back. You'd have no purchase. Oh, God, no, my sacroiliac. Why is it they're good? Because they mould around you. Yeah. What, around the sacroiliac?

I find sofas and settees, they're a bit dictatorial. Yeah. They tell you how to sit, but a beanbag, you tell the beanbag. I think the beanbag would play havoc with my wardrobe. Because the clothes I wear, it's not suitable. Slide off. Yeah, it's not suitable for those. You're too sheeny.

No, it's more, how can I put this? I won't, actually. I just don't think it's suitable for me to have to it's more, how can I put this? I won't, actually. I just don't think it's suitable for me to have to spring off from the floor. Do you understand? No, but it's one of those things where I instinctively, since we've got the beanbag, just stick out a hand,

and whoever's in the kitchen will just reach out and pick me up from the floor, and it's a lovely bonding experience. Oh, like a footballer, as there has been foul. The gas man, I have to say, just walks straight past. Can I ask who tends to be... I bet you're mostly in the beanbag, aren't you? Mainly me.

Buzz likes the beanbag. You see, it doesn't discriminate by height because you can flatten it right down to the ground. Make sure you give it a wash, though. I don't know why they've even bothered with sofas and chairs when there's beanbags. One wonders, Frank. You can move them around the house

you can make them any shape you like they're absolutely perfect this message is brought to you by beanbags limited and the 1970s i'm not naming any particular beanbag i'm just saying beanbags in general i'm more with it's not like i'm working for a company i'm working for the beanbag marketing board i think the people who make them are all deceased now anyway. That is not true. I'm going to start having them certainly in your suite.

Why bother with chairs when people have been sick all the time? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together the Frank Skinner Show. And Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

We talked about this morning. It's the big news. Very good news for all those men still living at home. Beanbags are back in fashion. Star Wars is back. Do you mean Star Wars? Yeah. Star Wars.

Okay. That's what you said. That's what you say. Do I? Yeah. That's why we were pronouncing it like that. Star Wars. Yours goes Star Wars. Star Wars? Okay. That's what you say. Do I? Yeah, that's why we were pronouncing it like that. Yours goes Star Wars. World Cup. The World Cup. But they've got the line-up for the new show.

Yes. Are you excited? Are you a Star Wars fan? I can't remember. Well, I like Star Wars. I've seen the movies. It's not like, you know. Have you seen the recent-ish ones? It's not like Merlin. It's not Merlin. No, but I've seen them all. It's not like, you know... Have you seen the recent-ish ones? It's not like Merlin. It's not Merlin. No, but I've seen them all. There aren't many things, series, that I've seen six movies of.

Right. I suppose there's not many of the things that there's been six movies of. No. Not that it's did any good. No. Hmm? But I'm excited. I'll definitely go.

I'll definitely go. I'm in Marker Mode in here. Hey, back off. Police Academy. Anything else? Anyway, I'm glad that the, uh, anything that stops Yoda from doing adverts. Yeah, it's good to have. Because that's, that is depressing.

I've got a bit of work back here as well. I mean, I get to see the love of my life again, Chewie. I hope they've given that suit an airing. And they've got the man back, the original Chewbacca. He hasn't aged well, has he? I'm not going to lie. He can't be. He looks like a smoker. Can we be honest? He can't be on the best deal of the bunch, can he?

Because when his agent's going, no, no, no, we definitely need more than equity minimum. Yeah. And they're going, look, if he won't do it, we're going to put Andy Serkis in on his days off. But I don't know. You see, I think the sort of people who like Star Wars really want the original

person inside the suit. Does this mean Dave Prowse will be making some sort of flashback thing? This is what's worrying me. I don't like old people running. There's no place for it. And that Falcon. I just,

I think it's fine for them to have cameos and just appear and wave I think they'd only be cameos they're not going to give them big roles in it are they what about Carrie Fisher

they'd also remember them wouldn't they didn't Carrie Fisher do stand up for a while didn't she did she I thought she'd turn to like one woman shows

or am I thinking of somebody else I don't know I've often thought that when we because we have to wear like headphones for this, that we could have

Princess Leia headphones. You could make them out of the hair. That would be good. Somebody must have done that. Yeah. But no, I am excited about it.

And Anthony Daniels is in it playing C-3PO. Oh, yeah. Who I once met at a party. Did I ever tell you this? I'm sick of your name dropping. And someone said, that bloke over there

is C-3PO. I said, right. No, but anyone could say that because any sick of your name dropping. Someone said, that bloke over there is C3PO. No, but anyone could say that, because any tall bloke could lie. Well, that's it, but he wasn't that tall. So I went over. No, hang on. Is that the golden one? The gold one, yes. Or the rubbish bin one? No, the golden. Oh, golden.

The R2-D2, not that tall. No. Okay. But he came over to me Anthony Daniels and he said I understand that you said I can't be C3PO because I'm not tall enough but this person who told me had gone back and told him straight away did you say that then?

of course you said that I have to say you don't look tall enough and he said oh well maybe and then he told me about when he went for the audition I remember George Lucas there was a fabulous painting on his wall we just talked about the painting and that's how i got the part it's a fabulous anyway when he i was sitting and he was outside the window in this bar waiting for a cab to pick him up and he turned around and

looked back at me in the window and i waved and when i waved at that moment he suddenly became c-3po he went straight into the body language sort of arch around span slightly and then made an obscene gesture in the style of c-3po it's one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen in my life absolute absolute radio frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anthony Daniels, of course, was in Pushing Tin. Oh, yeah. Which is what C3PO says when he's desperate to go to the toilet. I was in Stockton on Tees at the weekend.

Mm-hm. And I went to a sci-fi thing. Sci-fi? Yeah. With Star Wars in it? Isn't that right? Sci-fi. Sci-fi.

Sci-fi. Science fiction. Anyway, I went to a sci-fi thing. Was that what you were trying to get us to go to? God, that was depressing. We were having brunch after the show last week in Newcastle, and then someone said, oh, we're going to a sci-fi exhibition in Stockton-on-Tees,

fancy coming? I couldn't think. Well, anyway, we had a lovely time. Oh, so cute. And there was a man dressed as a Klingon. There was three doctors. Really? Three men dressed as different doctors.

Just in case there was an emergency. Yeah, exactly. I always travel with three doctors at my age. But there was a Klingon and I was on the phone to Kath in this thing and this bloke came over and said can I have my photo with you? And Kath said

what's that speaking? She didn't say who's that? I said it's a Klingon. It's all right. I don't know if she knew what that was. It was a Geordie Klingon. It was. She might have thought you meant some groupie.

Well, it was... It was a... I don't know if it was a Geordie. What's that speaking? Brilliant. And it was right, because I suppose you could say that off a Klingon. Yeah.

Almost if she sensed it was true. But yes, Star Wars, good. I'll go and see it. I'll get my money. I feel a bit sorry for the new cast, though. New cast-al? No, the new cast. Because the old ones... I can't say I feel sorry for them.

They're in Star Wars. Yeah, but I think the old ones are going to be a bit resentful about the new ones coming in. You might be right. Don't you think? I think it's like when you're at a dinner party and new people arrive. I don't like those new people. New burst of energy and new anecdotes.

I've been here, sitting here for three hours doing this work. And they've often been to a show or something. That's why they've liked... Some of them have been in a show, which is even why they've liked some of them in this show which is even worse i was at andrew lloyd weber's house once and bobby v arrived at 11 30. when did c3po turn up you know bobby v rubber ball come bouncing back to me he's very 11 30 i tell you who else is very 11 30 cilla yeah she turned up at 11 30 you surprised me the same when i had that dinner with russell crowe and richard. She turned up at 11.30. You surprised me. Well, I had a dinner with... Top team, by the way. The same one I had that dinner with Russell Crowe

and Richard Harris turned up at 11.30. Anyway, sorry. Okay. Oh, it reminds me of the time that I was... Did you have a story about Stockton on Tees? I was with Peter Ustinov and Lenny Henry to a dumpling. Ooh, I've got no names to drop in this story. Oh, come on.

I just thought about some sitcom reminiscences. Oh, yeah, I could do that. Don't get mad at the people with me. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So there's a story that we need to discuss. Are you struggling to hear me? Get close to the microphone, man.

Oh, OK. For goodness sake. OK, man. You know, I'm just worried about people not being able to hear you. What to the microphone man oh goodness sake okay man you know i'm just worried about people not being able to hear you what if you say something funny and it doesn't be broadcast i don't think we need to worry um that's me i'm an evil town choir there's a brazilian doesn't be brought up to Jamaica do you be 13 summers long what they should have at their customs now in Jamaica, it should say Jamaica in and Jamaica out. Very good. Whether you're coming or...

Great idea. Good one, you were saying that one. There's a chap in Brazil who's earning a living by selling space for tattoo adverts on his body. I saw this story. Now looking for a customer on his forehead. Botox. That would be a good one.

He could smooth it, get it really smooth. Oh, I'd do that, it'd be lovely. Or paracetamol. Yeah. Like, right where it hurts. And paracetamol are too cheap anyway. Well, you know that stroke awareness advert? You could have the bonfire.

Oh, with the fire. If he could get an animated version, so it's actually like, you know, got the flames. Well, what he could do is get it so that it's not wrinkly, and then just sort of move his forehead up and down, and it'll look like the flames are moving, what he could do is get it so that it's not wrinkly and then just sort of move his forehead up and down and it'll look like the flames are moving. Oh, I'll make it look like a fire. He's been selling the space for eight years now. Yeah, and he's only just getting to the forehead because that's a prime

bit of real estate, isn't it? You don't want to rush into that. Edson. Lovely name, that. But he's got they've all stayed, all the tattoos. He gets them crossed out if the person stops. He charges. I know his rates, Edson. I've had a carethor brought him. He gets some crossed out He charges I know his rates He charges £14

£14 to £110 a month for a tattoo That's cheap isn't it It's that margin isn't it How much will that cost me I'm not having that. I'm not having Absolute Radio on my forearm.

No, I mean on him. We could get it on him. I'm not having Amy on my forearm. I might... I don't want... What's the point of advertising this in Brazil? Yeah. Well, it'll get the media.

The media will pick it up and go, you can't believe what Frank Skinner's show have done. They've got an advertised their show on this Brazilian chap's forehead. I might put my Edinburgh Festival poster on there. People will think Paloma Fates set me into a blind panic. Just trying to get my name around. Why does he cross them out, though? So if they don't pay their rent...

People start paying their rent, yeah. But he's got them forever. What if it's a pirate radio station then they'd love that skull and crossbones also a skinvertising is one of the rubbishy ponds it's not good is it i was thinking what about hype adermics no hype yeah not happy with that what about i'm still reeling from the idea of an absolute radio tattoo. What about on my trunk? That'd be awful.

I don't know if the listeners know you have a trunk. Something we've always kept quiet about. Don't start that. What about tat-stimonials? Tat-stimonials, that's good. Yeah. That's good. Or if they were... Well, this would be out the back of Frank Skinner's Just Desserts?

If it was a bossy person it could be Floppaganda Floppaganda Or causing a stink Ink It's endless Oh no it isn't, it's ended It's just like golf sale isn't it really It is just like golf still, isn't it, really? It is just like golf sale, but more permanent on his body.

I think he's made them. I've always said if I was going to invest my money in anything now, it would be tattoo removal, because give it ten years, they'll be queuing up. Queuing up to get them removed. Went out of the whole people and went, all the letters have moulded into one another. What doesn't kill you makes me stronger.

That's what they always say. That's what your tattoos say. Yeah, but that's what the tattoos always say, things like that, isn't it? Yeah, well, they say things like Susan. Susan? They do sometimes. I've got one of Susan. Who has a tattoo with Susan in this day and age?

I got it last year. I don't know any Susans. If you've got a tattoo with the word Susan in it, do text us. No, don't text us. Tattoo us. We'll read it later. Anyway, Mark Crossley's is coming up next. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.