The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Pumped

Episode Date: August 3, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank's off this week so Emily takes the reigns, joined by Alun and Pete Donaldson. The team talk Simon Cowell's impending fatherhood, a Royal Baby update and Alun's velodrome adventure.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean and I'm standing in for Frank this morning. Because Frank's on his holidays at the moment. He's popped over for a little mini break to see his friend Kim Jong-un in North Korea. They're just doing guy things. They're having brewskis, they're swapping missiles, that kind of thing. I'm joined today by the wonderful Alan Cochran, as ever. But also, we've got a new boy in the house, haven't we, Cochran? Indeed. And it's Pete Donaldson. You're something, Pete, of an absolute institution.

Yeah, and I'm not that old. Oh, okay. Well, you're the only one in this room who isn't, then. That makes one of you. But Pete's, I would describe him as with it, actually, Cockrell. Trend. He's a with it... what Frank would call a with it character. Is it my woolen trousers? No, I did notice those. A bit hot. Too hot for wool, Pete. I'm not used to dressing this early in the morning, to be honest.

I thought wool cooled you. Isn't that why the sheep wear it? Because it's good in the cold and the warm. He looked hotter than Kanye in that leather shirt. He looked like he was schvitzing this morning. But I have to share something with you, Cockerel. Because midweek, I'm sorry to name and shame you this early on. It's quite all right. But we've already had an incident.

Is your stomach rumbling again? That's what I came on for. I wanted to hear the famous cockerel. Did you hear it? The crowing? I've eaten. It's not my fault. I've done everything I could to stop that happening. Let me tell you about the incident. What happened is that Pete tweeted during the week.

You're familiar with the concept of Twitter. I know you're not a fan. I'm not there. I don't join in. I'm reluctant to join in. That is my problem. Well, that doesn't bode very well for this morning. No, I'm fine with live joining in.

Oh, you like live? OK, he's outside the ring of ring of roses. He's not getting involved. I might hurt my ankle. That's it. That's very much to health and safety issue with me and Twitter. Yes, I can see him on the circle of ring of roses of Roses, being a bit gangly and grumpy.

Exactly, exactly. I'm not playing, Mum. I don't like it. This is very much a flashback for me. I don't like hijinks. I don't think I've ever... I love that album. I don't think I've ever been mentally read as accurately as this, Mum. This is therapy.

Anyway, let me tell you the tweet that Pete Donaldson tweeted this week. He said, really excited, and I'm not going to do an accent. It's just like a really inaccurate... What about the voice you did for me just a second ago? He said, really excited that I'm going to be on... He did gonna with an A on the end as well. That's what the young do. That was for shortening purposes. Let me read the tweet.

It's like a short trial. Really excited that I'm going to be on Frank's show on Saturday with Em and Alan Cochran doesn't do Twitter. You got a little mention Cochran. Oh that's nice. Sounds sincere why don't you? That was me being sincere.

He's upset because I turned the headphones up really loud. Broke his ears. Then, do you want to know what Pete Donaldson said after that? No. What did he say after that? He said, pumped. Pumped. Turns out I'm not with it.

We need to talk about pumped, Pete. Because I found that extraordinary. Why? Because you strike me as a lovely young man with everything to live for. And then you go and use a word like pumped. I was pumped. I was excited. It's an honour. It's an Arnie, is what it is. It's Arnold Schwarzenegger territory. Do we use language like pumped?

No, I'm like a coiled spring. I never use pumped. I would always say I'm like a coiled spring. That's what I would say. There's nothing wrong with that. There's more letters in that, though, isn't there? Pumped would... It just sounded a little bit testosterone-y, and you strike me as a poetic type.

I was smashing a beer can against my head, as I said, and goosing a trick. The only... Oh, God! Stop him! I think he was parodying that sort of behaviour, though. Oh, was he? OK, you'll have to explain to me. I just...

The only person who's allowed to say pumped in my presence is my Lithuanian plumber. And only in a sanitation context. Yeah. I was going to say, what's going on in this? The pipes need to be pumped, Emily. No. The Victor...

I tried to set Victor up with my cleaner, and then I was told that was patronising. I love how this is like a household menial job kind of dating website. I don't like it when the staff start courting. Like a really low-rent uniform dating.com. That's because you're worried they might start knowing their rights. Exactly, yeah. Is that Downton Abbey or something?

Well, thank you for having me on, guys. It's been lovely knowing you You're listening to the Frank Skinner Show On Absolute Radio this morning I'm Emily Dean and I'm standing in for Frank You know what we need to talk about this morning What do we need to talk about this morning Well Simone Cowell

I would call him a friend of the show. Can you play the stab? That's my favourite bit of the show. Friend of the show. I don't know if you've got... I can't do jingles. We don't know where they are. Frank took them on.

Sorry, Pete, I don't do jingles, just so you're aware. It's not part of my deal. Simone Cowell, he's not a friend of the show. He's... I don't think he's got friends, has he really? Doesn't it strike me as the type to have friends? It does indicate that he's not a friend of the show. I don't think he's got friends, has he really? He doesn't strike me as the type to have friends.

It does indicate that he's a friend to someone if you call him a friend of the show. And I don't think that's really that fair. But Simone Cowell, there's going to be Child of Cowell, isn't there? Goodness. It's surprising. That's my Tommy now. No, that was mine.

Was that yours? Did we simultaneously do one? We have worked together for a while. We're doing competitive's my Tommy now. No, that was mine. Was that yours? Really, did we simultaneously do one? The Cockle and I are doing competitive Tommy rumbling now. You're like twins. Sympathy. Stomach rumblings. Glorious. Yeah, it's big old news, isn't it?

I mean, I don't know Simon himself, but... Tony, what's wrong with you? Everyone has met him. People are surprised at this as an outcome of his behaviour, aren't they? I mean, I'm not saying that they thought that he didn't get up to this sort of business, but they're surprised, aren't they? I would not want to give birth to a cowl baby because that hair, oh, it's like a scouring pad.

Very abrasive. I tell you who wasn't happy, Sunita. Because we should say, he doesn't seem to have relationships in the traditional sense, does he? He has more, they call it the harem. Like, this is acceptable. In the year 2013. Oh, in the harem. I'm glad you pronounced that, because I've been reading it in the tabloids,

and obviously I thought they were spelling it wrongly. Should be double E. Why is it... Oh, like double E. Why is it... Oh, like the pant. Why is it spelt harem? It should be harem like the pant. He'll know about those. They spell it like harem, don't they?

Yeah. And it's a very untabloid word to use in a tabloid. Yeah. It's really weird. It's like if you picked up tomorrow's whatever it is tabloid and it started with forsooth. Forsooth forsooth here be the news

and I went what? you're right it's quite a biblical word isn't it? he's quite a biblical character he really is with the amount of wives

he's got but these women so what there seems to be some sort of pecking order doesn't there and this character she's risen right to the top

Sunita she jumped the queue well from what I heard I say I heard I read it to the top. Sunita. She jumped the queue. Well, from what I heard, I say I heard, I read it in the sun. But Sunita. Insiders. What was it she said? Well, she burst into tears, apparently. It should have been me.

She said it should have been me. That's a big statement, isn't it? She'll be in that child's life, whatever. Like, she's in X Factor inexplicably. She just bursts out. She bursts out in, like, bins. Hello! I'm here to do some mothering.

I don't mean to sound cruel, Sunita, but 49. Can't help but think that that ship has sailed. Dr Cochran there with his... I mean, is that harsh? Or does she mean it should have been me, like, 30 years ago? Is that what she means? Maybe it should have been me, the baby. Yeah, I don't know.

I want to be the cow baby. I have a great more to say on the subject, as I'm sure you do, so I'll be back in a moment. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean.

I'm standing here for Frank Skinner this morning on Absolute Radio and we're talking about Simone Cowell and his impending fatherhood. Can I make a request for the rest of the show when you say that bit about how you're covering for Frank, rather than saying you're standing in, do you think you might say you're sitting in for Frank? Each time you've said I'm standing in for Frank, there's a bit of my head that goes, she's sitting there.

Do you know what? I love your pedantry. It's one of the things I like most about you. I don't want to correct you on air. It's too early in the morning for pedantry. I think you do. Well, anyway. Can we get back to the matter? Okay, I'm sitting in for Frank.

We're discussing the harem. Yeah, Simon Cowell's harem. I'm worried, so this child, Lauren Silverman is this character's name, the woman's name, who is having a child with him. The woman who's giving birth to a child. This character. And she, well, she's managed to leap ahead in the Harim sort of pecking order, really, hasn't she?

But I'm worried, I think the child, it's definitely going to have a blazer. It's going to be Bourne wearing chinos and a blazer with a gel centre parting. Don't you think those children you see in Harrah's having tantrums? I think it will be. He's very stocky, isn't he, Simon Carle, as a human being? I just fear... Shoulders. Shoulders and chest. He's going to be a big blocky baby.

Blocky baby? He's going to look like a bit of Lego. He'll be brilliant. Not going to be an easy birth, is it, with a barrel chest like he's got i noticed that um one of the other harry members i believe her name is carmen electra are you familiar with her work okay i can't remember why but she was a harry member recently weren't we all was she in tears on the news she wasn't in tears she gave her she, yeah. She gave a very touching tribute. She was asked about this at a red carpet event,

and she said, I'm so happy for him, I'm going to call him just as soon as I get into the car after the event. What, in five hours? Yeah. I hear that and think, that better better be on a hands-free love. She's probably not driving her own car, is she? No, no. They tend to get driven, these people.

Can I ask you others, what sort of father do you think he will make? Because I don't know if you're aware, Pete, but I forgot to have children somewhere along the way. So this means that, you know those people that get to read the Sunday newspapers from cover to cover? Yeah. Wow.

I'm one of those rare beasts. That's nice. So I don't... Well, actually, Cockerel, I should ask you, because there are a spawn of Cockerels, so... I am parent. Yes. It's a weird syntax, isn't it?

I am parent. I am parent. I love that film. I am legend. I am parent with Russell Crowe. I think it might be quite tough for him, because part of parenthood is pretending that stuff that's been done is awesome and amazing.

Like, you know, terrible paintings, or, you know, little dances and songs. He's immediately not going to be the easiest crowd on that, is he? Yeah. I mean, when they do, like, a little song of Ring-a-Ring-a-Roses or whatever, he's going to be going, Now! What does he say? He's made himself look like Harry Mason! He must have a catchphrase. I don't watch his programmes, you know. Get off! What does he say, He's made himself look like Harry Grayson. He must have a catch for it.

I don't watch his programmes. Get off. What does he say, Pete? I don't know. I don't like you. I don't like anything. It's not for me. That sort of thing.

You're just both making up. I'm lonely and sad. I don't think we're his target market. He probably has one of those little beepers. He'll have one of those beepers wanting to do the cross. Does he? Doesn't he do things doesn't he do that

false he does a kind of false ending he does the old switcheroo he goes that was without doubt the

worst performance and you think he's going to say it's good I think that I believe that's what he does that is the best worst macaroni picture

I've ever seen in my life he might well say that. So you think he might struggle? I just think he'll be a tough... But tough love's good, isn't it, sometimes? Apparently in your household. In your S&M dungeon.

Spare the rod and spoil the child and all that. But why couldn't... I do feel a bit upset, though, because I'm jealous of that child and it hasn't even been born. Really? 300 million fortune, why wasn't that me? I mean i mean my parents why can't my mother have been in that harem those old doctor who actors they haven't come in very useful to me i was in the sweeney once great how does that help me there must be some kind of like do you not got a comic con

from your appearance in the triffid and stuff do you not kind of like oh yeah signing little signed photos for a tenor and stuff, giving them away? A tenor? How dare you? Do you know, that's a bit of a sore point, actually, Pete Donaldson. Okay. Because I've never been asked to go to conventions.

No. I say I've never been asked. I don't know, because my parents, you may not be aware of this, they did siphon off my money when I was a child. Right. So possibly invitations did come through. Yeah.

And I just never knew about it, and checks were accepted. Maybe they got other kids to do those Comic-Con sort of conventions, like a kind of franchise sort of thing. Do you know who else we need to talk about? Who? We need to talk about Stringfellow. Uh-oh. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Boys, we need to talk about Peter Stringfellow because we've had... Child of Cow is on its way. Yes. And also, Peter Stringfellow, his wife, I believe her name is Rosabella, or Bella, and she gave birth to a child is Rosabella, or Bella, and she gave birth to a child called Rosabella.

Wow. Wow. That's something, isn't it? Well, before you are quick to judge, I believe from the Daily Mail comments... Just so you know, Cockrell's quite good friends with Peter Stringfellow. Yeah, yeah. So you have to be careful. He does dress the same.

Can you imagine if we found out they were really good friends? I think he's probably all right, isn't he? He's probably my favourite Tory, I think, Peter Springfellow. He knows how to party. That's our text in this morning on 8.12.15. Who's your favourite Tory? Surely the switchboard would just blow up with Boris texts. Boris.

Mine was the late Kenny Everett. Was he a Tory? Yes, he was. Never knew that. That's weird, isn't it? Greg the Newsreader is nodding. Yeah. Because he's impressed by my knowledge. Can I say,, isn't it? Greg the Newsreader is nodding because he's impressed by my knowledge.

Can I say, can I say I love Greg the Newsreader? Right. I know he's got a surname. Declaration of love. But I like coming and going, he came in earlier, he came in,

what he did, he came in, I'm using football as tense here, he came in, he surveyed the scene, turned on the sixpence. He was wearing a short, and he said,

anyone fancy a tea? And he did it in a really nice casual way that let us know he was available if we needed his services. Yeah, but then I said I wanted a tea and he threw it in my face. He's weird this early in the morning. You two go way back in a different way. Yeah, we do. So, sorry, Cockrell, you were discussing your friendship with Peter Stringfellow.

Stringfellow's wife, Rosabella Stringfellow. I think Rosabella may be... Rosabella Stringfellow, that's a great name. Rosabella, necessary on a bike. I think, and I think I might be believing what I've read in the Daily Mail comedy section, I think that's his nickname for her, and then they've called the daughter Rosabella,

partly based on that. It's not actually as... He's got insider info, hasn't he? I'm reliably informed that his businesses have their own kind of monetary system, so you exchange your money... What do you mean? Well, his clubs have a monetary system

where you exchange your money for Stringfellow dollars or whatever. Oh, really? And then you pay the dancers for that, with that sort of money. Don't you like the way Pete's trying to distance himself?

I read it in a Daily Mail comment. I'm reliably informed. I'd just like to think that he'd be given out his pocket money in string of dollars because that's the

only money he understands. Do the dishes, you get a private dance, kid. He did, in fact, we should say, he announced the birth at one of his clubs. I believe it was called Angels.

Yeah. One of my favourites. That's a very auspicious start in life for that child, isn't it? Did you see who was at that club? I did. Would you care to share with us, Cockrell? Several famous guests at the bash to announce the pregnancy, including Coronation Street star Chris Quinton, Vanessa Feltz, James Whale and Nick Ferrari.

Oh, goodness me. Now, that is an episode of Celebrity Come Dine With Me. Surely that's what that is, rather than a celebrity pass. That's the Channel 5 schedule for tonight, is what that is. It's rare that I read a news column and feel more famous than it, but that's what's happened there. Just people you look at and just feel tired looking at them. The forgotten people

of radio and television. They make me feel vibrant. He'll be good with these late nights though. He likes a late night Peter Stringfellow. I think he might be alright. Do you think he's alright? Can you please explain? With a Peter Stringfellow defence.

Why are people being mean about him on the advert, on the comments section, going, oh, he's too old to be a dad? Well, not really. Like, he's got money. He seems to love the lady in question. That's nice, isn't it? It's nice.

Some kids have a much worse start than that. Are there baby-changing facilities in his clubs? There are now. Is there a tray, a folding-out tray? There probably are for some of the more elderly guests. There's probably a pile of nappies for Peter. They could just use the same table and everything. This is Emily Dean.

I'm standing in, sorry Cockerell, sitting in for Frank Skinner this morning. I'm joined by the Cockerel, Alan Cochran and Pete Donaldson. And then we have Greg Burke, the newsreader, hovering around like a sort of kindly benefactor figure in a Dickens novel in the background. Some people are sitting, some people are hovering. Yes, exactly. You can text us on 81215 and you can follow us. How can you follow us, Cockerel? At Frank on the radio oh I love making you say Twitter things

he hates Twitter and yours as well what's that divine miss m mine's so complicated I got mine basically sometime in the 90s or something and I didn't know but I didn't realise it was going to take off to such a big degree so it's got

all weird underscore things going on it's at divine underscore miss underscore M I joined Facebook quite early and I thought that was

going to be another Bebo or something and then I added anyone who asked me and I was working on a breakfast show so now I have random

people just telling me about my birthday parties it's like oh who the heck are you I've got like a thousand friends I don't know.

You're like one of those children in the Daily Mail. Yeah. So, listen, we need to... We were talking about Tories that we quite liked. Well, actually, we've had a text in. Famous people who voted Tory. I said I thought that Peter Stringfellow was my favourite Tory, which I believe has kick-started one of our quirkier Saturday morning textings.

We've had a text from 103, Stephen Salford, Leonard Rossiter, staunch Tory. Was he indeed? It's a good call, though, isn't it? I like the obscure trivia that people retain. And he was something of a national treasure as well. I quietly googled it because I was worried about libel, but you can't lie to them, it's fine.

And also, I don't think it's libelous to say there's somebody who's won political allegiance or not. I don't know, actually. Depends on which party, I suppose, doesn't it? Oh, that's interesting. So he was something of a national treasure, and he was very well-loved. Jim Davidson, on the other hand, not so well-loved.

But he did offer his support to the Tories. I seem to remember seeing him at rallies. Oh, he is, yeah. He was involved up until a couple of years ago, wasn't he? I remember hearing Andrew Lloyd Webber say that if Labour got in, he was going to leave the country. And I thought that was a very good party political broadcast on behalf of the Labour Party.

Didn't Phil Collins do that? Phil Collins did that one year as well. Did he? He faxed that message over, to be fair. From his home in LA. So, boys, is it time to take a wander? Yeah. I think you know where we're going to go.

I would call the email jingles up, but I don't really know what I'm doing. Oh. And so I think it's best if we just sing it, OK? Yeah, OK. One, two, three. In the corner. Da-da-da-da-da-da. There we go. How, OK? Yeah, OK. One, two, three. In the corner. Da-da-da-da-da-da. There we go.

How's that? Wow, that was depressing. I think we'll find the button for next time, shall we? I think I'm going to be sick. Lucky you. Here we are. I'm going to begin the reading. After hearing Emily's voice many a time

but never seeing her speak, I was intrigued to see her tweet about appearing on This Morning. I'm not ashamed to say I had to record this because of work. Can I just say I love that you recorded it, 1987 style, on Betamax. Can I just say I think you're on course for becoming one of my favourite Tories here this person. I'm not ashamed to say I had to record it because of work. I have a job, unlike lots of these layabouts. The feckless who watched this morning.

Anyway, what does Emily think about Natasha Kaplinsky being voted the sexiest newsreader, given that she hasn't changed her hairstyle since 2002? I'm sure that if Lucifer's representative on Earth was to step down, she could prove a suitable replacement I've refrained from including praise That's from Charlotte Nice Well, thank you for watching me

What I would say is that I think Natasha Kaplinsky I think she looks a bit regional mayor's wife Yeah, I was thinking like Francois Mitterrand's wife or something Oh, he's not regional though. He did all right for himself. I regard France as being regional. Or maybe a woman who teaches aerobics in Surrey.

But the hair would not move with the amount of spray in that. There's no... Oh, okay. She could do aerobics and there wouldn't be any shift, would there? Boys, have we been hearing from our... Frank calls them readers. I'm going to call them victims. Observers.

Yes. UN observers. Yeah. Have we had any missives in from them this morning on 8.12.15? We've had a text from 546 Morningall. Is Frank being off today anything to do with a certain programme on BBC One at 7pm tomorrow? Oh, yes. And what is that programme?

The Antiques Roadshow. He's found something in his loft. A decorative mirror. It's like the plot of Fools and Horses. He got £350 for that appearance, don't knock it. He had to drive self, but he still got paid in full. I think it might be Doctor Who.

Is it Doctor Who? Yes. Is it The Revelation? What? Or Daisy the Producer's Nodding? Oh, what? Who is it Doctor Who? yes is it The Revelation? what? or Daisy the producer's nodding oh what who the new one is? do you know she's still got her arms folded she hasn't got over the fact that in that first link I didn't do my business pardon

do your business Em there's a tension play along Frank no what I was going to say to you was that tomorrow evening is a big night for Frank. And I am suspicious as to why he's taking this week off now. I think he wanted time bedded in

either section. Oh, yeah, yeah. To get over or celebrate. Who's it going to be then? Peter Capaldi was mentioned. Yeah, apparently he's the fave. That's a funny choice, isn't it? I don't know. I just sort of fear for people taking that job

because it kind of kills your career a little bit because then you get seen through that prism of Doctor Who, don't you? Peter Stringfellow. He'd be so cool. So many assistants. Yeah, the dress code might change in the TARDIS a little bit. Do you know what? Oh, I'd love a Bikini Cloud assistant.

Me too. You started it? Yes. I'd love a bikini cloud assistant. Me too. You started it? Yes. I'd love a sonic screwdriver. I can say that. I have 2,000 years of oppression on my side. I can say that, and it's not creepy. Do forget that.

Do forget that you are so oppressed. Can you imagine being in a relationship with me? I'd bring that sort of stuff up all the time. No. Any more texts or emails, boys? There's a glorious email from Wayne. I almost kind of want to put some kind of, like, kind of sexy music underneath this.

Oh, what can we play, Daisy? It's already sort of romantic music. Okay, I've got some here. There we go, perfect. This comes from Wayne. I'm not sure of Wayne's second name, but he's certainly from Southend that's what I do know

hi Ems and Co I was stepping out of my workplace on Park Lane champagne socialism woohoo he says one evening last year and a white haired

black bushy eyed brown bushy eyed brown man approached from the left who caught my eye I stared at him half out of a slight recognition and half out of

bemusement at his bizarre hair slash eyebrow colour combo it was then I realised that it was the bungling ex-Tory Chancellor Stared at him, half out of a slight recognition and half out of bemusement at his bizarre hair-slash-eyebrow-colour combo. It was then I realised that it was the bungling ex-Tory Chancellor Norman Lamont. He must have caught me staring at him because suddenly our eyes met and he gave me the friendliest smile. All my Tory hatred instantly melted away and I smiled back. In the years since, I've been a mess of confusion. Maybe they're not all that bad.

Just because they look at you. Giving a bit of eye contact. I like the incident with Lamont. I like the big friendly smile from Norman. That's good, isn't it? He's got a good eyebrow as well, definitely. But it lit up his whole face. Do you know, I think that could be enough.

That encounter, there could be a book. Yeah, well, just chance encounters with, you know, state leaders. I think Yeltsin would look quite nice if you just sort of saw him in the street. Oh, are you a Yeltsin fan, are you? No, I'm not. I just think that, you know, any man who smiles at you, it's, you know, it's party time, isn't it? It's all right. It's fine. What about Putin? He's got it going on. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean, but you are actually listening to the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio. It just says no Frank, because we've already decided he might have taken the time off to find out who the new Doctor Who is. Yeah, you're on there. Yeah. Although, I suppose if it's EA, he might have heard already.

I don't think they're going to announce that he's doing it whilst he's watching it. Oh, I'd love it if it was someone really weird like John Prescott. Imagine if it was John Prescott as Doctor Who. If it was like the Postcode Lottery, they just picked anyone. They just had to do the job. We've actually had a text. Hi, Emily, Alan. Love the show. I think my favourite celeb who votes Tory was Gary Barlow. Sorry, Alan. That, of course, would be because Gary Barlow beat me to a part in Miranda, the television series.

You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but your tummy just rumbled again, and that's a good sign for your acting career. You're going to need that. You're going to need that flat stomach. Hey, I tried to watch a clip of your television presenting career. You know, you've been doing This Morning. I have. I put into the popular website YouTube, I put in Emily Dean on This Morning, and it came up with a clip of an American weightlifter called Emily Dean.

And it said something like, Emily Dean, what's the exercise you do where you sort of stand up? Oh, I don't know because it's not me and I wasn't doing it. It said, Emily Dean deadlifting 255 pounds, which is quite a weight, let me tell you. I'd put that on this morning. The guy off camera's going, come on, Emily, come on, Emily, go on, good girl. That's what he does. Let's clip that, let's clip that. That was Eamon Holmes.

He was encouraging me. Really? Yeah. I've got to see this clip. I'll send you the link. Do you think it was me and I've just forgotten? It might have been in the 90s. I have to say, in the 90s...

I did a lot of stuff. I did do quite a lot of stuff. A lot of powerlifting. Yeah. Not just powerlifting, there was some other stuff. But... Make you better at powerlifting. Yeah. Not just powerlifting, there was some other stuff. Makes you better at powerlifting. It's not out of the realms of possibility that that might have been me. You could start in the kitchen, make your 50 eggs for the morning,

eat them and then head over and do some powerlifting. That's what they eat. Are you aware that I went away with the world's strongest men? Went away? Yes. Yes, I remember this. You did a spell in prison. I do, yeah.

I didn't go to prison. You did a spell in prison with the world's strongest men. Something like away with the world's strongest men. Yes, I remember this. She did a spell in prison. Yes, I do, yes. I didn't go to prison. Did a spell in prison with the world's strongest men. She went away with the world's strongest men. That's what you said. You just said it. Some people go away with the fairies. And goes away with the world's strongest men. I was in Malta with the world's strongest men.

And they used to set their alarms to have Mars bars. Not that I was in there. This sounds terrible. Wow. They told me that they set their alarms. That's how I was aware, to eat Mars balls so they could have their calorific intake.

Oh, right, OK. And one of them broke a toilet seat. Over his head? No. Is this your show of strength? Just by sitting on it. And his girlfriend was saying, it's terrible, it happens all the time.

Really? I mean, it's once we were sitting in a bar and he spoke the chair when he sat on it. We had to leave. Just a man being forced to go out in the garden and do his business. Goodness. And that's bad as well, because you know those little invisible cracks that some toilet seats get and they pinch you?

Oh, it's not a nice feeling, is it? But particularly not if you've got an enormous physique. One way round that is to pay to use the toilet, Alan. Is that something that I'm sure you won't feel entirely comfortable with We were talking on Absolute Radio this morning In the absence of Frank Skinner But here with Emily Dean and with Alan the Cockerel Cochran And Pete Donaldson

Go on, Emily Go on, Emily. Go on. We should establish that is the sound effect of... There's apparently a video on YouTube, isn't there? There are several, yeah. Is she called Emily Dean? Yeah, I believe so. Emily Dean, the lifting machine.

And there's a man encouraging her while she weight lifts. Yeah, she's deadlifting. That would never happen in my life. She's deadlifting 255 pounds. Powerhouse. What does that mean deadlifting? You basically hold a bar that's got loads of weight on it and you sort of stand up.

It's a weird exercise. It's a weird achievement. I've stood up. Hooray. You sort of straighten up so it works all your belt area I think you'd call it. Are you ripped under that shirt, Alan? Absolutely ripped.

You know a lot about this. And covered in ink. Alan loves his karate. Yeah, his cretin powder. Yeah, he has a little... When is your class, darling? I don't actually do karate. That's the sort of thing a man who does really massive amounts of karate would say before he chops his head off. Pete, he does do karate. That's the sort of thing a man who does really massive amounts of karate would say before he chops his head off.

Pete, he does do karate. It's like on a Monday. He does a little class. Oh, he has his shoes with him. And he loves it. He gets all his energies out. We'll talk about it off air. That sounds like he's going to attack me karate style. I did do karate.

I did karate when I was a kid. He can't pronounce it quite right. Like he can't say it correct. Karate. He says karate. Karate, karate. Karate's how they say it, I hope not. Anyway, we've had a text, surely Emily's a Tory gal.

She sounds posh enough from Steve in Reading, or judgmental Steve in Reading. Au contraire, my friend. I don't know if we can really discuss politics on Absolute Radio, but what I would say is that's not the way I swing. I swing more to the left. It is possible to have nice shoes and a social conscience. There you go.

That's my party political broadcast for the day. That's not the way I swing. But don't let that stop the texting of who's your favourite Tory. Yeah. We're quite enjoying that. Well, actually, sorry. I was going to say, we've also had a text from Stephen Salford saying, apparently Leonard Rossiter's Toryism caused ructions on the set of Rising Damp

because Francis de la Tour was a proper ban-the-bomb lefty. Good use of ban-the-bomb lefty, by the way, Steve. Is that from Jim Davidson? At one point they refused to sit near each other during breaks in the canteen. Is that right? I mean, that could just be that one of them was a very messy eater. That's like me and Pete Donaldson.

No, when I was on This Morning, I will stop saying that at some point, but when I was on This Morning recently, I appeared with Nigel Farage. Now, I'm not a fan of him, or those who sell in him, but what was difficult was that he was quite a nice bloke.

Right. And this is what's hard, isn't it? That you meet these people. I think, I really, I don't like your politics, I don't like anything about you, but he was nice. And he's been seen as being quite vulnerable

at times as well, because obviously he came out of the sky in a helicopter and stuff, and there's pictures of him sort of all bloodied and confused and stuff. I think that gives you a little bit of gravitas when it comes to stuff like that. Yes, you're right.

Yeah, well, he said to me, he was talking to me about Matt Ford, who's a friend of this show and a performer and is interested in politics, and I said, oh, he said, yes, nice chap, not a fan of his politics, very left-wing, you know,

and he was just getting in the lift, and as the doors closed i said me too and i've never seen him again and i'm not sure i will um now i need to discuss something with you boys i had an incident with neighbors this week outside my house and i want to share it with you so i'll set the scene for you i'm in uh my leafy my leafy street and I'm parking up and I suddenly see this nice family and there's a little boy and he's about six years old

nice parents, smile at me the boy comes over to my car he says, oh, a fashion car which I thought was quite a strange review fashion car? bit of a sort of junior got one were you driving a limstick? no, it was a Mini

I said, oh, thank you very much he said yeah do you live around here i said yes i'm i'm local i live uh just across the street i didn't know what to say to him so then he said are you married i said no he said, are you married? I said, no. He said, I'm not. No. Well, you're six, aren't you? Did you say he was six? Yes. He said, I will be when I'm older, though.

Confident. Yeah, exactly. And we're going to come back to this. Don't bet on it, lads. I think we need to come back to this extraordinary child in a moment. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. I was talking earlier about a child I'd encountered. Yeah. Come on, Emily. A neighbour's child. You keep saying that. I should say, we were talking about this clip of another Emily Dean that Alan found on YouTube,

and it's a woman, what is she, deadlifting? She's deadlifting 255 pounds. Come on, Emily. Exactly, 255 pounds. Good girl. Hips, hips, hips. We've been listening to her. I know you have.

It's making me feel slightly ill. Hips. Stop saying hips, please. Please. So the neighbours are there, and this child, you know, he's chatting to me. He's very confident. He says he's got a toy car or a fashion car. He says he's got a fashion car.

Then he says, are you married? I said, no, I'm not. But he will be when he's grown up. Yeah. I think he said, I'm too young to get married. I think that's what he said. You've got to have a rule. And then he asked me where I lived.

I said, where do you live? I said, just over there. He said, all right. Then He said, oh, right. And he said, oh, we could call you. Or we could Skype. We could call you. Like, it was like Donald Trump closing some business deal. We could call you.

Did he have, like, one of those, like, those Ferrari beds that kids like, like, parked up and went, see you later. And then just jumped in one of those and drove off there was a child with Simon Cowell sort of way he'd behave

but it was weird that it was a collective we as well you know there was something weird like let's get to know this person she'd be good for us

socially I think that's what he felt I'd be a nice friend was it possibly a person of restricted height and you didn't know no no

no I'd know we'll talk about that later. But yeah, so the parents were being sort of very indulgent. And then he said, I said, what's your name? I tried to change the subject. I didn't think the calling and the Skyping. So I said, what's your name? He said, Ridge.

Ridge? No, Ridge. And his father said, he's lying. He lies about his name a lot. Ridge? He makes up lies about his name. That's the best name. Yeah.

And then he told me his real name which I won't say all now. Is it identifiable? Then he said to me do you want this? I've got something for you. Pulled a fortune cookie

out of his short pockets. I mean does he just carry them round with him in case he meets he was the most precocious child I'd ever seen. This kid's a player. He's a player. I bet he's got dice in case he meets he's the most precocious child I've ever seen this kid's a player he's a player

I bet he's got dice in those pockets let's play dice do you want this gives me the fortune cookie and I don't know if you agree with me boys but I think there's

nothing on earth more disappointing than the taste of the fortune cookie it's like oh earth it tastes like I've made it without sugar it's the only cookie

that seems to be sans sugar yeah but why should it why do you should you have to go through the penance of eating the only cookie that seems to be sans sugar. But why should you have to go through the penance of eating the fortune cookie to get to the nice fortune? I'd rather eat the bit of paper with the message on it than the cookie. The message kind of pours out anyway, so you just pull it out. You don't need to actually devour a cookie to get to it.

There speaks someone who doesn't have an emotional relationship with food, unlike me. I do, however, have to eat everything in my hands. But I read the... I thought I won't open it in front of him because it might be awkward. I don't know what it's going to say. So I made my excuses and left. I said goodbye to the parents. Imagine if you opened it and it said,

you'll meet a terrifying six-year-old. And he was still there. I will steal your soul. Just giving you a death stare. You are now married to me you are mine and I opened it and it was the most disappointing it said you like eating fortune cookies

which was such a you've been tricked I think he was responsible for that you think so? yeah definitely lovely old job but he was an interesting character though and then the next morning I noticed when I went out and I thought yeah he was an interesting character, though. And then the next morning, I noticed when I went out, I went to...

And I thought, yeah, that was an interesting encounter. Your car was on fire. And then I... No, but I tell you what, he was standing outside playing Robin Thicke blurred lines and dancing to it really loudly. Good, good. I'm not joking.

I love this child. He's brilliant. You're a somewhat precocious child. I quite loved him, though. Yeah. Speaking... There it is yeah speaking there it is again there it is again mine went off

a little bit earlier is this what happens is this what you people do well it's an influence I have I like to create an atmosphere of hunger in the studio

why does your tummy keep rumbling I don't know because I've eaten I mean I've had two Weetabix three slices of toast with peanut butter on it

and I've just recently eaten a chocolate digestive. Thanks for that. Any questions you had regarding Alan's calorific intake have all been cleared up. Text in with what you've eaten by 9.34 today. I mean, that seems like quite a lot. I shouldn't then have a tummy rumble. Yeah, but look at you.

I am. You've got a fast metabolism. I'm a big unit. It's all those deadlifts. Come on, Emily. Anyway, from perhaps one precocious child to another, we've got a bit of Royal Baby update. As I think you may know, it's in the common knowledge

that Kate and William asked for donations to charity instead of presents, which I think is nice, but they also know that everybody's going to ignore that, don't they? Yeah. And that they're still going to be sweeping away presents from the front door. But it's come out now what certain people have sent. He's only a week old, but the royal baby has already been bombarded with gifts from Britain's party leaders. Lovely.

Nick Clegg disclosed his present on his radio phone-in, and they sent, what was it, like a Spanish knitted blanket made by nuns. Oh, renowned for their couture creations, those nuns. They do knit blankets of a superior quality. It's basically they've got some old sheet from Spain, an old Spanish sheet. That's original. Yes, I got that. I got your joke. Oh, he's so needy this

morning, Pete. He just high-fived himself. Just so you know, Pete, these comics can be needy. And they also sent some coffee, which I think is a bit weird, because, you know, they'll be... Oh, that's a nice present for a baby. They'll be awake anyway.

Coffee? Nescafe? Do they go to the garage? No, I think they went for their favourite, like, nice coffee. That is a panic. That's a re-gifting, that is. No, do you know what that is? We haven't got a present. What are we going to do? You go to the garage. I'll get a blank out of the cupboard. Or somebody spill carver on it.

We'll say the Spanish nuns did it. It's fine. Funnily enough, Labour leader Ed Miliband gave a three-year-old apple tree, which a party spokesman said was a traditional gift for a first-born son. Or really. Or it could be that they're having their garden done. That's the first thing I thought when I read that.

Also, Al, they're OK for trees. They own Canada. One thing the royals don't need is trees. I might get quite well off for land. That would be great if they opened it and went, where are we going to put this? Oh, God, and us in a pokey flat as well. Do you think that's it?

Do you think they're having their garden done? I do, yeah. I totally think that's it. It's the sort of gift you get if you're a founding father, maybe. I don't know, not just a normal father. I have to say as well,

I noticed the Camerons sent a gift as well, didn't they? Mm-hmm. They sent a set of Roald Dahl books. Nice. I don't think...

It's dingy. Yeah, I don't think a boorish right-wing little Englander should really be entertaining the future king with the books of Roald Dahl. Ha ha ha.

Well, I like that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking on Absolute Radio about baby George, weren't we? Yes, indeed. And just on the subject of that precocious child that you met in the street, who may or may not be precocious, we did have a text... I think we can safely say he is.

I think it's one of life's certainties that he was pretty precocious. He's a performer. Can we call you... I was putting in that caveat as a little safety net, should you bump into his family in the street, given that you live near him. Yeah, but Cockrell, I don't say that as a criticism. Oh, yeah.

His precociousness to me... From your background, precociousness is a quality. From my background. This is someone when I was on set with my mother, because we were appearing in an episode of Nanny together, which was a show where my mother was playing the mother, I was playing the child, because that's a good thing to do with your kid. Yeah. And some old actor was chatting up my mother was playing the mother, I was playing the child. Because that's a good thing to do with your kid.

And some old actor was chatting up my mother and he said, your mummy... We were all in costume. 1930s. I had a little straw boater on. He said, your mummy's very lovely in the catering truck. I said, my mummy's very married. Did you?

Yes. Lovely. Nice. Good answer. You've got some amazing stories from your home my dad once brought a crab home from his job at the chemical works that he found and he cooked it in a pot and it screamed there's my kind of stories i like that i happen to love that story i've had a text from mike from watford uh emily i saw a child having his shoelaces done up by his dad.

His friend was with him. This is a friend of the child, I'm assuming. And his friend said, this generation can't even tie their shoelaces. I also noticed that the boy's friend was wearing Velcro shoes. I love the Velcro shoes bit.

He's having a go at his friend, but he's wearing Velcro shoes himself because having a go at his friend but he's wearing cross shoes himself because he can't tie his shoe letters either he's a self-aware character

yes I should say I don't obviously don't want this to become children say the funniest things because if Frank was listening I think he might

stick his head in the oven if he thought I was taking the show in that direction but it's not that it's precocious children I'm

specific there's sort of been here before slightly Dalai Lama children all before their time I tell you who's one of those Ezra Badil It's precocious children. Those that have been here before, slightly Dalai Lama children. Or before their time. I'll tell you who's one of those. Ezra Badil.

Is that right? David Badil's son, yeah. Nice. I mean, he's an extraordinary child. He's amazing. But he said to me at a party recently, we were just, you know, riffing, shooting the breeze,

and I told him to play a trick on one of the guests there. And he turned around to me and he said, look, I don't even know the guy We played squash once Well there's a slight further development on the old royal baby which is, what's

the child going to call its step-grand Camilla, lady, can't just call her Camilla, can it? And she's apparently revealed that rather than being called Gran, her grandchildren call her Gaga. She's kind of fun, isn't it? Yeah.

Is she a lady? Does that count as a lady? Oh, yes. Lady Camilla is a lady. I'm not sure Gaga is. She's not a lady. Lady Gaga. I don't think she is part of the royal family or the establishment.

Yes, that's what my nieces call my mother. I think that's a good name. What,. Lady Gaga. I don't think she is part of the royal family or the establishment. Yes, that's what my nieces call my mother. I think that's a good name. What, Gaga? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's nice.

I think my mother didn't want Granny. It sounded a bit old. You know what actresses are like. But I think that's a very kind of landed classes kind of thing to do. Is it? We were very straight line on Nan. Nana. Were you Nana? We didn't have Nana.

We had Nan. Nan. Stern. Oh, really? Didn't like the Spanish. Nana. Were you Nana? We didn't have Nana, we had Nan. Nan. Stern. Or in. Didn't like the Spanish. Stern. My granny on my mum's side is nicknamed Granny Mammy, because my mum's...

Granny Mammy! Granny Mammy! And I did it. That's something I've gone with the wind. Sounds like a foreign yoghurt. It's my doing, because my mum's from a family of seven, and all Glaswegian so they all call their mum Mammy and when I was a kid apparently

I said oh she's my granny Mammy, Granny Mammy it sticks together quite well and now she's still called Granny Mammy, she's brilliant I'll be back with more Alan Cochran who do you think you are in a bit This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Guys, we were talking about the royal grandchild

and about some of the names, the runners and riders for the names that they might be calling the grandparents. So Gaga, we think Camilla might, well, we should say her own grandchildren call her that. Yeah and I think that's pretty cool and I think it makes them seem a bit normal doesn't it if they have family nicknames. Like my mum, we've sort of nicknamed her Granny Scottish so my kids. Granny Scottish. I'm trying to say that's one of the most horrible names

I've ever heard. That's super gran anyway. I really like it because it's got a weird syntax. Granny Scottish. Granny Scottish. Yeah. So she is Granny Scottish. I made it happen as well. Of course you did. I thought it was some kind of weird messiah thing that I've got that I've renamed.

Granny Scottish. Also, sometimes my little boy calls one of my brothers Uncle Idiot. Yeah, I think I'd be uncle idiot. And me and one of my other brothers refer to our youngest brother as Moonface. I think it's fine, isn't it? We should actually say I'd like to hear our readers, if they've got any sort of curious family names.

Into generational bullying, as I like to think of it. I think it's done with a certain amount of affection. I'm trying to do the housekeeping and they won't let me. They won't have it. They should text in. And what should they text in on, Pete Donaldson? Text in on it to our 15, silly. Oh, I thought you were going to say phone.

Or phone. Phone us. Uncle Idiot, if you're listening. We had in my family... He's too stupid to be up by now. He doesn't know what what day and night is oh Uncle Idiot fell asleep in the shed again

I like it it's like a sitcom isn't it and at the end of it there's always oh Uncle Idiot do you know I don't know if you're familiar with this Pete but I have a rather complicated family life

so I had five grandfathers on my maternal side there was a glorious picture on Facebook yes one of your one of my grandfathers that my maternal side there was a glorious picture on facebook yes one of your one of my grandfathers that was my nigerian grandfather um nigerian grandfather the michael jackson song um that was um grandpappy bio grandpappy bio yes what do you mean because that's what biotic i don't know that was his name oh right okay racist pete um i thought that was his name. Oh, right, OK. A bit racist, Pete. I thought that was a silly name you gave him. No, it was a silly name his parents gave him.

But yeah, so that was a bit... But then when my... The last partner my grandmother had was a 23-year-old guy called Fritz that she met on the tube. So I'm not sure how that would have panned out Grandaddy Fritz. Not quite sure how I would have felt about that.

Sounds like a wartime euphemism. Well, Grandaddy Fritz won't like that one. Oh, the archers. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I just fell off my chair then, right into the microphone. That was a good start. My name's Emily Dean.

I'm sitting in for Frank Skinner this morning on Absolute Radio. He's on his holidays, by the way. There's nothing sinister. I already established he's gone to stay with his friend Kim Jong-un in North Korea. Those guys. You can text us in on 81215 or you can follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the radio this morning I'm joined by Alan Cochran as ever

and Pete Donaldson emergency loan signing I'm Ali Dyer oh I like his football references find it quite alluring really we've set up a Saturday morning texting I think we've moved away from

who's your favourite Tory which is a shame because that was working for me Saturday morning texting. I think we've moved away from who's your favourite Tory? Which is a shame. It is. Because that was working for me. I liked it. Who was our favourite Tory? Celebrity Tory, we were saying. Disraeli.

Mine's Disraeli. Guy's got game. Yeah. So has Canal. Brilliant stuff. What are the family nicknames? I've started to call my son Little Lord Fauntleroy

because he's got a weird poshness about him that is not in his breeding. Can I babysit him? Nobody in his family says the word room with anything other than an ooh vowel sound. And he says, I'd like to eat this in the living room. And you go, how has this happened? And his little sister is like a little cave girl

who in the back garden, just takes all her clothes off and wears a nappy and runs around like, with twigs in her hair and stuff. So we started to call her Princess Crazy. So we've got little Lord Fauntleroy and Princess Crazy. But people have nicknames. You know what you're going to have to get for him is a tailor, like Stephen Fry had when he was a child. I had a tailor as well. That's a real sign of poshness. I told an anecdote once without realising, and I went, or when I was, it was my tailor.

I went, your tailor? The relatable Emily Taylor. Keeping it real. But we've had some good nicknames in 643, Our Nephews Call My Husband Uncle Monster. Yeah, he does run a cockfighting ring, though, so. He is a monster. I nicknamed my dad G-Diddy when my niece was born.

Now all the grandkids call him G-Diddy. G-Diddy is a good grandad name. That's good, yeah. That's great. We call my mum Nanny Wee-Wees following a conversation where my mum was worried her grandchildren wouldn't want to see her and would say Nanny's weird and smells like wee um wow i would say follow the sports science advice there nanny and don't worry about things you can affect that's very good advice life advice you can really deal with the wee smell it's not a nice thing to be called either it's not very dignified

people would think it was a related to a incident, I think. Well, I suspect it is. Let's leave it there. I don't buy that part of the story. This is going to sound like I'm reading this as me, but it is a genuine text. My mum is Scottish and mental. Thanks for letting us know. Hang on, it's not finished.

It's not finished as well. There's proof. Granny Scottish. She wants our son to call her Yaya, which apparently is Greek for granny. There is no Greek connection in our family. Oh, God. My dad, who is also Scottish, is known as Nono Lorenzo. My husband's mum is known as Nanny Wales or Granny Dragon.

Granny Dragon's great, isn't he? I still like Nono Lorenzo. So wasn't he in Dynasty or something? What is that based on? All of these stories would be related in a few years' time to like a helper or some kind of like therapist. Totally. Call her Nana Lorenzo.

Oh, God. My gran was called Cross Grandma, not because she was cross, but because she lived across the road. Quite confusing for everybody. I love it. I had, well my godchildren i should say uh they call me auntie poo i should say that's as in poo bear days you don't get worried with an h auntie poo how it's spelt is none of your concern well they call me

well it's also important when you're in a swimming pool and they shout your name. Because they're all clear. Suddenly loads of room in the shallow end. I don't know what's going on here. Alan Cochran. Yes. I'd like to talk to you about a couple of things. I understand you've

had a bit of a cycling incident this week. I've had quite the week. What's happened? Well, me and the other cockerels, Mrs Cockerel, Princess Crazy and Little Lord Fondleroy, we went on... It's the school holidays, so we're kind of... I don't know, I've just been reading the paper from cover to cover without incident.

How lovely. But we've been doing Let's Do Things. So we went... I live in Manchester, Pete, and we went to Manchester Velodrome to have a look at it just because it's an amazing thing and it's like the British cycling is based

so we're having a look around round being the operative word and we're sort of going wow this is amazing some people are practising on the velodrome and just basically having a mooch we're trying to basically get little Lord Fauntleroy excited about cycling. Careful of that cloak of his.

And the britches. And the mop of curly hair. Keep your spats out of the spokes. So we're there, and I had gone. We hadn't really planned it, and I'd just gone. I was wearing short. Comedy festival, like, six years ago. I hadn't showered. I was advised that some people were starting to look. I'm sure I've

seen him. You know you can see people's faces when they're... And I'm thinking, oh, they now know that I'm the guy that wears a free t-shirt that he gets given. And then a weird thing happened. Okay. We're going to hold that story because I want to know I think it might involve Alan the Cockerel, Cochran spending money. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Cochran left us on something of a cliffhanger. I did and I'm going to delay the execution somewhat. We've just had a text in Nano-Wee-Wees is a true story. Call her if you don't believe us, and then the full phone number of Nano-Wee-Wees. We're not going to do that. We're not in the business of verifying

stories on the radio. No. Verifying grandmothers. Exactly. So anyway, this chap walks up to me Isn't that what Wayne Rooney did? Sorry. I'm feeling a bit I'm feeling a bit Stig of the Dump in the Manchester Velodrome. A bit sweaty and like, I'm feeling a bit Stig of the Dump in the Manchester Velodrome, a bit sweaty and like, I'm just like, I would be in the garden.

I'm in that get-up. Where are Fauntleroy and Princess Crazy at this moment? They're with me and we're on the steps sort of walking down from the Velodrome and this chap walks up, and Mrs Cockerell's there too, and this chap walks up to me and said, do you know you look a lot like Alan Cochran? Wow. Got recognised, right?

It happens now and again. I've seen it happen. It happens occasionally. And this chap, I said, yeah, yeah, I do know that. And he said, unless you are him, and give me a fixed stare. He went in a bit of jacuzzi. And I said, yeah, yeah, I am. And I thought, he's going to say,

I didn't think you were the kind of guy that wore a free T-shirt at a festival six years ago. Oh, I could have put him straight. He said, I like it when we get celebrities here. I didn't correct him. He said, I like them to have a ride on the velodrome. Oh, my gosh. He said, you've got to be straight in your eyes.

Disgusting piece of work. I run this place and I've booked you in. I thought it was you. I saw you earlier. I've booked you in on the 5pm session and I know you're tall, so I've put a bike aside for a tall person. I'll lend you a bike and helmet and you can ride on the velodrome, on the actual track.

You know what a velodrome is? It's like being in a big wooden... Yes, I went to school. School? School didn't have velodromes. Or yours, my goodness. Yes, I'm sorry, you weren't educated in North London. Yes, my tailor was making me a latex cycling outfit one day. It's a bit, for the listenership...

No, we didn't do that, we did lacrosse, though. It's a bit like a massive wooden, like a designer heels fruit bowl or something. The velodrome. Yeah, and you cycle around inside it. Yeah, post-Olympics I think they're more familiar. It's like, I call it wall of death. Yes, very wall of death.

Because you have to go around almost at a... Now as a person who's not particularly great with joining in or bravery, imagine how I felt about cycling the wall of death on a bicycle that does not have brakes. They don't have brakes, these bikes. And not only that, they're a different mechanism for cycling. So if you stop moving your feet, the bike stops moving. That's how those track bikes work. Is that right?

Yeah, so they gave us quite a stern warning. Don't stop pedalling, because the bike will stop. When you say us, they didn't encourage little Lord Fauntleroy. No, no, there was a gang of people. A gang? A gang of people? A velodrome gang? I got pushed into a class,

essentially. It's like the Warriors. It's a five o'clock class. Suddenly I turn up and there's all these people that have been on a list to do their velodrome cycle. What sort of list?

They wanted to do it. What sort of list? These people have paid £12 to do this. So you've got to look at the bright side. It's a saving. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to you in your whole life.

Well, I have to say, I didn't take to it very well because I've not got the natural bravery. They were saying things like, you have to look up at the sort of boards where the adverts are. Don't look at the floor or out because you'll fall off the wall. What a horrific experience.

You're riding alongside a wall. And then they did it where I had to watch this woman who was an expert, and I had to ride round her, and she sort of talked me into doing it, like, get speed up, squeeze your legs on the corners, and I did it. I rode around the Velodrome. Did you?

Yeah, it was brilliant. Do you know, I'm happy for you, but I have to say, I'm still really uncomfortable about the gang. Frank? Frank Skinner. Brilliant. Do you know, I'm happy for you, but I have to say, I'm still really uncomfortable about the gang. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

That link started with Pete Donaldson yawning. I'm not usually up this early. That's the professional. Yeah, he's a bit loose. He sounded like one of those. He's a bit loose. I was pumped. I was getting pumped. Oh, don's a bit loose. I was pumped. I was getting pumped.

Oh, don't. I thought we got over pumped. Talking of pumped, we were talking about cycling. Oh, a little bit of that material. It all links, doesn't it? It does. And you were telling us about your incident in the velodrome. Yeah, it was good fun. Seems like you did okay. I think I did okay, yeah. I think

you have to accelerate towards a bendy wall essentially can i ask you why do they do this thing you know when you see them racing these cyclists people yeah why do they keep looking over their shoulder in some creepy way like you know when they start to race why don't they just take off they're kind of sizing each other up it's all gone a bit cruising i don't like it when they do They're kind of sizing each other up. It's all gone a bit cruising. I don't like it when they do that. I think they're looking at their posteriors and thinking, gosh, my posterior's muscular

because of all the working out I do. It could be that. It could be they're checking out their own glutes. Come on, Emily. Come on, Emily. Checking out whether they've still got their mud guard attached. Are you a cyclist, Pete? Oh, no.

My only experience with cycling is my dad used to put me on his crossbar pretty much throughout my until I was about 15 I think that can't be the case, but he certainly used to put me on his crossbar Was that your school run? No, yeah pretty much, no headgear or nothing

So my only sort of experiences with cycling is not actually sitting on the seat sitting on the crossbar, like my feet dangling into the spokes, that's sort of dangerous isn't it? You have actually sat on the seat at some point. I'm sure that you can ride a bike.

Probably, yeah. Well, no, don't sound shocked. I can't really. I'm not very good at it. I mean, what happened, there was cycling, my parents never,

you know, I was away on location acting most of the time. And my parents, there was a cycling proficiency. This is honestly true. Rosper. And I remember

it was the next day and I said, and we were up late, we had a dinner party the night before. And I was a cycling proficiency this is honestly true and i remember it was the next day and i said and we were up late we had a dinner party the night before and i was a bit tired i've been up with the adults and my mom said oh you don't want to do that darling i'll call in sick for you so she just rolled up and called in sick and you know i've never had to ride a bike since wow well i mean luckily no parts called for it because that would have been a problem yeah yeah you never forget it's probably still on your action scene. Dinner pie. Oh, I do often forget the dinner parties that I've had.

That's the problem. At least you know how to use your fox. Thank you. Have we had any texts? Oh, have we? There have been some beauties. My favourite one comes from... My husband, Tim's nan, had her toes amputated

and was referred to as Nanny Poor Feet. It's just lovely, I think. Theresa made the fact of that. And also, my niece called my mother Nanny Abby after our dead dog, and our other nan, Nanny Smoke. I think you can tell why. I think that one nanny cremated the dog.

Can I just say, I love the idea of Nanny Smoke. Basically, yeah. Yeah, nice. Do you think that's what Kerry Katona's grandchildren will call her? Nanny Iceland. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You're listening to... I'm not going to do any of that. I can't be bothered. I've got a lot to do. I've got a lot to do this morning.

Excellent. Good to hear someone lose enthusiasm for a thought in the middle of the sentence. Shall I do a good long yawn? Yeah, go on. That's lovely. That was working for me. Have we had any information through? That sounded a bit prisoner-like,

but any information through from the outside world listener data data Frank calls it data data Frank calls it data

and albino he says I say albino do you oh is that is that not right you two should get together

dearie me hi frankly Cockrell and Emily I'm a fan of the show who's a regular sleepwalker my latest escapade taking place

last Saturday night as I live in a third floor flat during the current heatwave, I've taken a putting string with attached bells across my open windows to wake me should I venture too close. I'd like to offer the lovely but doubting Emily the chance to join me on an eve to see firsthand a sleepwalker take place. I'm aware this offer does sound a bit creepy, yeah.

But my offer is genuine and not some sort of crafty night move. For a night move, yours, Chris. 32, Tufnell Park, North London. He's got it all. He's got the panning. He's got the 32. He's got the third floor apartment.

Yeah. I mean, Tufnell Park's on a hill. If you fall out the window, you're rolling. You're rolling all the way to Archway or Holloway Road or something. Do you know what? I might take him up on that. Really? You believe that? No, I don't believe know what? I might take him up on that. Really? You believe that?

No, I don't believe it, but I might take him up on it. Don't believe it for a second. I didn't say I believed it. Good for you. I just said I might take him up. I'm up all night to get lucky. Up all night to get sleepwalky. I want to sleepwalk into a girl's bed.

Whatever. Which is you. Completely by accident. Please. You didn't strike me as that type. What, the sex permit? But you told me something earlier which was something of a revolting revelation.

What was that? We'll discuss it later. It was the frequent. I'll tell you what it was. You are a sleepwalker. No, I was clearly at one point, but I don't anymore. I'm a big sleep talker.

But I sleepwalked into a girl's bed and her bedroom was the same place that my bedroom was at home and I stayed at a friend's house and I woke up

in the middle of the night and basically got in a bed with her and she only knew I was there because I was pushing her head into the wall with my arm

like I said just get out of the bed my bed now like I was taking over I annexed and you still pretended this was all not conscious well she thought

it was her ex-boyfriend who lived downstairs. She was going, get out of the bed. She was American. Get out of the bed, Paul, or whatever. And I was going, what? Oh, God. How am I going to explain this to my girlfriend? So, ex-girlfriend now.

Well, fortunately, you did explain it to your girlfriend. She believed it. Yeah. She didn't. I'm not sure I do. But the police weren't called, and that's the point. That's the important thing. String on bells across the window. I just don't believe that. Stop your sleepwalk. That's the important thing. String on bells across the window.

I just don't believe that. Stop your sleepwalking, though, is it? String on bell. String on bell. I laughed at the performance in The Wire, can I just say. String on bell, yeah. I thought he was excellent. Have we had any more texts or emails?

Yes, we have an email here. Hello all. Long-time reader, first-time writer. Just wanted to say that no, nobody will be listening to you in North Korea. This is based on Frank's recent obsession with North Korea. Well, in fairness, I did also say Al, I did say

when we were watching him on Sky News, Kim Jong-un, I said, how easy do you think it would be to go out with him? Was my question. He's got a well-publicised harem, hasn't he? So he could probably be part of it, maybe. Well, according to this email, it's not actually even that easy to visit North Korea. We were wondering if we had any listenership there.

There is only official government radio and no internet. However, I am going on holiday there in September, so I will be taking your podcast with me for my own personal entertainment. They only allow around 2,000 visitors per year. But I can assure you that you will be heard in North Korea in September, possibly for the first time ever. That is all. I worry about the 2,000 visitor statistic.

How many of those get return tickets? That's what I want to know. I actually looked at getting into North Korea last year because that would be a really cool sort of place to visit, but they only have state airlines flying into there, and they've got a terrible safety record. I'm not getting involved. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

We've got Pete Donaldson in the studio this morning. I don't think that we've yet got to know him. I don't. Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. That's a lovely bit of singing. Wow. I didn't know you had it in you. Clip that.

Got it. You could play sort of Daddy Warbucks in Annie. You know what? I can ride track bikes around velodromes and I can sing songs from the musical shows. I've really changed in the last week. What's happened to me? But yeah, we need to know more about Pete, don't we? from the musical shows. I've really changed in the last week. What's happened to me?

But yeah, we need to know more about Pete, don't we? Yeah, what's the 411, Pete? What's that mean? What's the 411? I don't know what that means. Yeah. The skinny on me is I'm a happy-go-lucky guy. Yeah.

I know. Yeah, me too. I'm a real ray of sunshine, yeah. Yeah. I sometimes wear trousers, you know. Wool. Wool trousers. Wool. And things, I'm quite happy-go-lucky,

but this week I've been getting a little bit down. A little bit down for weird reasons. I was down, I was up at my mum and dad's house over the weekend, last weekend. Is that in the Hartlepool area? That's in the Hartlepool area. Lovely. That's correct, well spotted.

And I saw my mum's iron, my mum's old iron. Any old iron. Do they all upset you? Or is it any old iron? It's just, my mum's old iron. Any old iron. Do they all upset you? Or is it any old iron? Well, it's just... 32 years old it is. And I just think, that iron is near death, surely. And just think of all of the claws that its iron...

It's getting close to Jesus's age. My dad's an electrical engineer, so he's replaced the wire, so it's fine. That side of things is okay. But that kind of makes me sad because I'm thinking, that iron hasn't got long to live, surely. It can't go on much longer. And also, I visited a website for Twycross Zoo,

a zoo that I worked for for like a year when I was like 21. Did you indeed? I worked there for a year during my university course. I was there to make a CD-ROM. Do you remember CD-ROMs in Carter, things like that? They were going to be big, weren't they? Yeah, and then the internet took over. And I didn't make the CD-ROM in the end. I just hungROMs in Carter? Things like that. They were going to be big, weren't they? And then the internet took over. And I didn't make the CD-ROM in the end.

I just hung out with the chimps and the gibbons and stuff. Did you hang out with the chimps? I got to hang out with them. You don't know us about that. You need a special pass to go through the game. Well, weirdly enough, this week, Tricross Zoo let a load of chimps out and they ran away and they managed to get lured back in due to ice cream and pop and stuff like that. Oh, really?

They go for sugar? Yeah. They love it. Like mice? Like Pete Doherty. And a seed in dogs. I hear and pop and stuff like that. Oh, really? They go for sugar? Yeah. They love it. Like mice? Like Pete Doherty. And the seething dogs are here. What was it like? Did you work at the zoo then?

So you hung out with the chimps? Yeah. How did you find the Simian community? Not too bad. My favourite ones are the Gibbons because they sort of walk around. They're quite affable at times. It was up and down.

Okay. And, yeah, but then I saw this website of chimps I knew from back in the day that they've all got older and they all look a little bit different and they all matured and chimps when they're young they have pink faces and when they get older they get black faces and it's just looking at these chimps and it's kind of like

oh my little boys have grown up and I'm just having a little bit of a moment where I'm worrying about I'm impressed that you worked at a zoo though I once applied for a job at a zoo me and my sister rung up in the school holidays. Go on, give us a job. Go on, give us a job. We said, excuse me, we'd like to work at the zoo.

And the man said, I'm afraid most people have a degree in conservation biology who work here. Yeah, but I can dance. Do the given dance. Just singing down the farm. Excuse me, madam. Well, more about Pete's experiences with the animals. I'm going to call him Peter the Wild now.

Chimps Reunited.com. I'm worried that I pushed the wrong knob. I don't know what I did. Is that all right, Daisy? I did something strange. I think it's all right. It looks like what we would have called a graphic equaliser in the 80s. I feel bad that I cleared my throat so audibly at the start of that.

It might have been one of the most chaotic beginnings to a link in modern history. Why don't we try and tidy it up? I have an email. You know, we were talking last week about people mispronouncing words, like I do with the word correct. I seem to delete the first vowel.

And then there was also the moment when the cockerel, and Frank's never let it go yeah the cockerel said um was it descartes yes he said descartes yeah but to be fair we evened it out because i did call that breed of dog um via mariner yeah instead of why marana or something i still don't know how to pronounce it. And you know what? However. I'm still doing okay. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, sorry, long-time reader, first-time writer,

I've been meaning to write to you regarding mispronunciations as I feel that you will particularly enjoy this one, confident. Some time ago, me and my friend were around a group of American tourists. We mingled and after a while, we heard one of them utter

that they were going to St. Ratford-upon-Avon. Wow. That's right, Stratford-upon-Avon. I thought this was so fantastic, I've never said it the correct way since. Correct way. Love the show. P.S. If Emily's ever in North Wales and fancies dinner,

get in touch. Connor Jones. I always fancy dinner. Dinner on a shore. Dinner on a shore. You know, graded. Did you say shower? Say again? Dinner on a shower Dinner and a shower You know, grated Did you say shower? Say again?

Dinner and a shower I thought you said Do you not shower after your dinners? I'm a very messy eater Well, we know that Bob I don't know if you're aware of this, actually, Pete But you know Bob, who's a member of the team He's standing behind you

He doesn't shower He doesn't shower What? He doesn't shower I do shower Oh Oh Bob The voice from the deep We'll have to pay him now He doesn't shower. What? He doesn't shower. I do shower. Oh. Oh.

Bob. The voice from the deep. Bob's got his own air voice. We'll have to pay him now. He showers. What is it you don't do? You don't wash your hair? I don't use shampoo or shower gel or any of... Well, there you go.

What do you do with any of the above? He doesn't use... But your hair's quite cool. It's cool hair. What do you put in it? Oh, you two. Calm down. Come here.

Can I say I like St. Ratford? St. Ratford upon 8 Ratford my Australian godfather he calls it Coventry Gardens he once got on a bus and he went Coventry Gardens please driver

I'm confused at what that's referring to Covent Garden Coventry Gardens driver but you know what I'm going to forgive him because he's so rich it's okay

yeah it's worth forgiving for we live in the same part of London our tube station is probably Don't reveal Okay I have fans

Okay Well I don't really know How to get past this then Alright You can reveal our tube station Okay Highgate But the woman on the tube

Says highgate Like it's the sort of thing Ken from Street Fighter 2 Might say before he does a punch Highgate On that bombshell You've revealed my area Sorry

Hello I've enjoyed today so much with my boys thank you for having me but in the moment all for me to say is goodbye and be seeing you go on Ian