The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Relationship Hit0man

Episode Date: January 21, 2012

Frank, Alun and Holly Walsh discuss relationship hit-men, Simon Cowell's return to BGT and what people would pay someone to do for a fiver!

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! Good morning, this is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with the Cockerel.

I'm going to see if I can find your... Oh, it's been a while. Well done. And Holly Walsh. Good morning. I don't have a jingle for you, but... Hooray for Holly Walsh! That'll do it. A live jingle. Yeah, but hooray for Holly Walsh.

A live jingle. Yeah, there aren't enough live jingles on radio. We've had live adverts already this morning. It's going to be one of those kind of days. I feel like someone has got their fist around my heart and is squeezing really tightly. Do you know what? I quite like it. Is there a doctor in the house? What, you think I'm having an AHA?

I'm just worried. It's not a normal description. So, Holly, for people who don't know, Holly is... Well, I'll tell you a bit about Holly. I did a pilot a few years ago for the BBC called... Was it called Dog on a Skateboard? Yeah, Frank Skinner's Skateboarding Dog. Frank Skinner's Skateboarding Dog.

Thanks for remembering, Holly. And as you can tell, it didn't take off, as it were. But the dog didn't take off. But I said, there's this woman I want to get on the show, I said to the producer, and he said, OK, what's her name? I said, I don't know her name. He said, well, can you tell me anything about her? I said, yeah, I saw her do a really good gig with a heavy cold once.

That's your mission. Off you go. And they found you. They did. And it was, can I say, it wasn't Holly's fault that the show remained at the pilot stage. It was during my interregnum. I remember you did a duet with a

tees maid. I did. I played, yeah, the Hawkwind silver machine accompanied by a tees maid. Do you know, I'd love a tees maid. We've been talking about getting a tees maid. Do they still make them? I'm not sure. I don't know if they do. My mum was given one as a retirement

present and my dad said, you'd better give it to him because they're really just for lazy people. They're a mark that's lived with me ever since. But what I find weird about it is that making a cup of tea isn't the most stressful. It's not like it takes a long time. Well, it's tricky, though, when you're asleep. Unless you're some sort of somnambulist.

Indeed. Yeah, but you're woken up somnambulist. Indeed. Yeah, but you're woken up by this sound that goes... ..of the pot, the water moving from the actual kettle side into the pot side, which sounds exactly like the opening sound effect on Hawkwind Silver Machine. So I used to sleep with a... I'm sure I've told this story before, but who cares?

New readers and all that. I used to reach across for my guitar and play the opening chords as the teas made filled up. I lived alone, and life was different then. When you live alone, you can get away with all sorts of things. Were you awake at any point during this? Were you asleep as you did it? Well, I was woken by the...

But still half asleep, but it's a very simple chord sequence. And I had the guitar tuned to open G minor, which made the whole thing much simpler. Oh, good. Thank you for that. So you can probably guess from my slightly tense manner that we're in technical disaster zone again on the show.

But you know what? I kind of like it. Sometimes I feel like there's been a nuclear attack. And it's just us in a bunker broadcasting to the world. And that's a great feeling. I say it's a great feeling. I'm slightly indifferent to it. But already Holly has made my morning by referring, using the phrase denim trousers instead of jeans, which is, I'm going to call them denim trousers from now on.

You were talking about double denim. Yes. You said you were a fan of them. I am a fan of double denim. We should allow listeners to know that I took Frank somewhat to task about the advert for Room 101, where he puts double denim in his list of things. But I like double denim.

I think it's comfortable and it looks like I want to look, someone that, you know, is pretty relaxed. I would guess, knowing what I know of the average absolute listener, that I'd say 78% of the people listening to this show now are wearing double denim. So I don't want to condemn them. Denim pyjamas, probably, in this case. I think that these are people who are so drunk at the weekends, they just sleep in all their clothes.

Don't get me wrong, I love them all. Should I say, I love you all? That's another thing you're told at radio school, don't talk to your other presenters, talk directly to the listener. But I don't. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. So I did a thing I don't think I've ever done before.

I asked to be moved in a restaurant the other night. Which usually means there's a terrible annoyance nearby. And also, it was yo sushi, so it wasn't like... It's a place where you basically sit round a counter. Yeah. A conveyor belt. If you're not familiar with Yo Sushi, it's a sushi restaurant where

Rocky works from the Rocky films. No, it isn't. He said yo a lot, didn't he? No, it's got a conveyor belt and you take your sushi off, it goes past. It's a fabulous generation game type of feel to the place.

Do you try and remember what's past you? Yeah. You have to remember how much it is, because if you pick too many of the purple ones or the green ones, so it racks up price. You don't realise it until you count it at the end. You mean the dishes? The dishes, yeah, not the fish.

Purple and green fish in there. Yes, the coded plates to suggest expense. I have to say, Holly, I stopped noticing those colours many years ago. Oh! I thought you got the top of that. I actually have monochrome plates. I can't believe you said that during a recession. Yeah, well, it's no good trying to be a phony with people.

They know. Don't worry about that. In this age of identity theft. Yeah, but the beauty about it is you're actually you can afford everything in Yo Sushi. Yes, that's right. Nothing above that. But even so, even so I can. A man took me in the other day. I arrived. I was meeting a friend. I arrived

early, as I always do. Lombardi time? Are you on Lombardi time? I was on Lombardi time. Why don't you explain Lombardi time? Lombardi time is, Vince Lombardi, I believe, was an American baseball coach or football coach who said, if you're not 15 minutes early, you're late. I love Vince. Vince is my mentor in this respect. Anyway, I got in and the guy led me to the counter. And it was a section of the counter where you're looking directly into a booth.

So I am sitting and there's two people sitting maybe three feet away from me. And I'm looking straight at them. And they are a young couple. And my goodness me, they were snogging big time. Oh, no. And, I mean, I was about to eat, and it was like being in some terrible peephole booth on 42nd Street. More expensive snacks. And the way the bloke took me there, the waiter, was as if he was doing me a favour.

Oh, I've got a vantage point for you, sir. Were they lickers? Were they good-looking? I'll tell you what they looked like. They looked like people who were snogging but not having fun. You know when you get a serious young couple? Oh, right. Yeah, and I felt that they probably had intense conversations, you know, like, in order to know love, you must also know hate.

They had that kind of look about them. He had a black roll-neck sweater. I mean, come on. What is this? A workshop? He sat opposite Ernest Snoggin. He looked... They both looked very, very Ernest, indeed.

And I just thought, you know, what the dickens? It's 2012. It was my way of celebrating the anniversary. So I called the man across the waiter waiter not the guy snogging no i didn't i wouldn't have i well you know he i don't know if he would have heard me um i think uh her tongue was in one ear and out the other at that stage and anyway um i said i i sorry could i need i turned away from them so they couldn't hear me. And I said, I need to be moved.

And the man says, is there a problem? And I said, look at this couple behind me. And he said, well, and he didn't get it. Like, it was all right. And I said, well, I don't want to look at them. And it was just, I thought, don't make me speak louder, mate. That's what I thought. And I was insistent.

And so I got moved. See, I find the idea of eating raw fish stomach churning, so the idea of being moved away from... Well, I was... I think I probably sat there instead of having the meal. Yeah, I was combining the two. I don't like a... I mean, I'm all for love. Don't get me wrong.

Anyone who thinks I'm anti-love, think again. But you're like an antipodean. Now PDIs might. No. So do you... How far would you go in public? Holding hands? Holding hands.

No, I'm not sure about holding hands. The thing is, I'm... Firm hands... A stiff handshake. There is a... There's a sufficient age difference in my relationship but if we hold hands it looks like i'm being helped anyway um we still have no ads and i think i think the last time we had no ads on the show

i did that shredded wheat ad again well as it happens somebody has texted in to 8 12 15 saying argos sells two Teesmaids. That's from Alexandra from Watford. That's lovely. You see, if the ads don't work, we just chuck them all in. So if there's anyone listening who wants to advertise their wares, we'll do it in the shop. So I think I'm going to go trailer music.

Let's do that. Absolute Radio with frank skinner so um anyway so i was moved um and um emotionally no i was appalled i don't in the sushi place if i was lesser man, I would say get a room. Someone else would obviously say get a booth, which is the best thing you can do. No, they had got a booth. Well, there you go then. That's what they're for.

No, they're not closed. If you can't snog in a booth... If there was a curtain, I wouldn't have minded. It's a curtained booth with a light, say a snogging light that you put on to, you know, do not disturb. Like in strip joints where they have sort of a back room. Well, I wouldn't know that, I'm sure.

I think it's fine to say get a room, just to yourself, to mutter it. No, it's gone too much into the common parlance. It has, yeah. Get a room. We discussed this before that when I see somebody getting stuff out of skips, I quite often mutter to myself, skip rat. But skip rat I think is alright. Skip rat is

fine. What about when you're in Brighton and you see an adult on a skateboard, is it fine to mutter get a job? Well, I don't quite all right. Skip-Rad is fine. What about when you're in Brighton and you see an adult on a skateboard? Is it fine to mutter, get a job? I don't quite see the connection. Get a car. Get a car, get a car. Get a bus. Like 38-year-olds flying kites on the beach.

Get a job. Come on, go on. I don't like the way this is going. It's going to be James Whale on Talk Sport. James Whale. i simply won't reference i i think i i didn't uh discover the kite until later life and you like it i liked i got i got one of them two handers you can make it swoop you know that oh yeah yeah is that a kite though or sort of um some sort of paraglider no i wouldn't i wouldn't do that i wouldn't do that anyway so um

yes so if you're gonna snog do it behind the tree you like it don't you huh you like it don't you no i just think you've got to i take each case as it comes oh okay that's fair enough so if they're a good looking couple i mind a lot less than if they're not. Do you? Oh, no. I'm quite prejudiced. I'd rather it was a repulsively ugly couple. Oh, yeah? Because then at least I can think, well, you know, fair enough.

They're getting some. Yeah. But if it's a very... These were a good-looking couple, and it all goes a bit Athena poster. Oh, yeah. Was there a baby being held in between? Not when I was in there but um i

think that was on the conveyor belt but it was um it was no i'm not having it i am i don't really uh i don't i'm very bad at any kind of physical contact in in public anyway even at the best of times i'm not good at you mean you you're hugging i'm very bad at that. I just get... I feel very nervous when people go in for a hug. Like, you know, if someone goes in... I've just met them and they go in for the kiss.

You know, like on the cheat, I get... There's a moment where I'm like, are we going for one or two? It all gets awkward. I'm just terrible. Well, I kissed you this morning when we met.

I thought we did all right. I thought I was a bit embarrassed. Yeah, but you did it on the lips and your tongue was out. Yeah. So there was a lot wrong with that. Well, I lips and your tongue was out yeah there's a lot wrong with that well i thought i thought that would just break the ice but uh no it was so i was i thought you blushed a little i'm just terrible at anything i would i felt the heat

as i leaned towards your face i felt the heat it was like it was like leaning into a blast furnace yes it's like i imagine kissing Sir Alex Ferguson would be. I imagine he's got a head like a meteor. How often do you imagine that? I think four times tops. Have you kissed everyone in the Premier League? I imagine a strong smell of scotch. No, no, no, I reckon he's more of a portman.

Do you think so? A portmanteau? Yeah, well, anyway, I reckon he's more of a portman. Do you think so? A portmanteau? Yeah, well, anyway, I've never... I think I shook hands with Sir Alex Ferguson once, if I remember rightly. He was wearing a traditional hand buzzer that you used to get from drug shops in the 70s. I felt all my hair rise slightly.

So there's... What else? There's this thing that... Actually, when we're on the subject of PDAs, did you see this story in the news this week about... PDAs being public displays of affection for those who are not up on the abbreviation. I worked with an antipodean once that always shouted,

now PDAs, mate. Have you seen this about this guy that will dump your girlfriend or boyfriend and it'll only cost you a fiver? It's a story that's been in the news. Apparently there's a website. That's the great thing about the recession is people get very inventive. Yeah there's an entrepreneurial spirit to it

isn't there? There is, yeah. There's something Richard Branson about a man offering to dump your partner for a fiver. £5 plus expenses of £20 per hour that sounds like a tax judge to me. £5 plus expenses of £20 per hour. That sounds like a tax judge to me. £5 plus expenses. Well, that's not...

Can I say that absolutely? I'm not accusing this man in any way of dishonesty. I hope he's declaring all of this money. I hope he's declaring it all. Yeah. It says... Good point, then. Keekbush.

That's his surname. Keekbush. Jonathan Keekbush. I might be mispronouncing that. He turns up and he will dump your boy or girlfriend for £5 plus expenses and it says he advertises his services on fivesquids.co.uk where there's a variety. Well, hold on, let's not plonk this service.

Give them adverts. It's the sort of thing, you know, you might get drunk and phone him up and then the next day think, actually, I've changed my mind about it. Too late, he's gone and done it. It's sort of like a hitman, though. You get a similar situation if you're with a hitman. He makes double sure that you really want to do it. Yeah, you're drunk, you phone them up, next morning you're like,

why did I do that? Yeah, they hate that. That moment when you wake up and realise you've hired a hitman the night before. Yeah, it's... You get that awful hangover guilt feeling if you've inadvertently hired a hitman text 8 12 15 you have to go to your phone just checking which hitman you texted i think there should be um it wouldn't it be a good idea if when people start a relationship they have a kind of a sort of a pre-knop type do you know what i i would be really up for

some sort of contractual agreement. So you go, let's just do six months and then review it after that time. And then we don't have any other sort of like, oh, we didn't see this through and give it our time. I was thinking more like, you know when people who do sadomasochism have a kind of a code word that means stop hitting me? Mine's flapjack. Is it really? Yeah. It must be very confusing if you're being brutally beaten in Pret. Pret a mon cher.

Then it's yoga bunny. Yeah. Oh, that makes all the difference in the world. No, but if you said, look, if you or I want to split up at any point in the relationship, we just text each other the code word, and then the deal is we have to leave it at that. We can't argue. We can't ask why. You just get the code word.

Like, for example, are you familiar with the phrase deep six? No. To deep six. Deep six. I think it's a nautical term. I think the idea is if you're in more than six fathoms of water and something is overboard it's forget about it it's gone all right uh and and so you could just have that word deep six and you can just text that to you but and then they can't combat they can't try and make amends or find

out where you're upset the deal is that whoever sends that text that's the end of the relationship false the difference though is that if something falls overboard at six fathoms of sea, the good chance is it wasn't because it met someone else. It wasn't because it met its best friend. No, but that's all... The idea is you give up the right to know. You'd never have to bump into that thing at six fathoms. Let's save time.

Let's just text each other a full stop. That should, rather than a dot dot dot. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and we were talking about the hitman relationship ender.

I don't know if my wife's listening but she's just texted me saying don't ask, don't tell. Is that her? Is that your code word for the end of the relationship? Yeah, it was a conversation a long time ago but I'd half forgotten that. Don't ask, don't tell. I looked him up, this

person, the relationship hitman. Oh yeah. By the way, if you want to text us, text us on 812 15 and about anything, including this. And he was wearing a gingham trilby gingham trilby no a gingham trilby i draw the line i mean this is a rare example of shooting the messenger i think which would be acceptable this this man you don't want to be dumped by someone in a gingham

it's like one of those butcher's hats it looks more like a butcher's hat than a you know what I'm talking about? that's gingham, I know gingham when I see it I grew up on the Wizard of Oz did you? Dorothy always wore gingham you can't wear a gingham trilby without having a jaunty angle

well he's got it as a jaunty angle what I'm thinking is he's a bit of a character this guy, I don't want to be dumped by a bit of a character. I don't want someone to come up and say, you know, I've been speaking to Suzanne, and, hey, guess what? And then maybe... I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a musical element.

He does some sort of version of Another One Bites The Dust. Or he does a joke, he, like, what starts with D and rhymes with bumped. Yes. And then you go, dumped, and he goes, you! Oh, no, that's..., what starts with D and rhymes with bumped? Yes. And then you go, you! And everyone's filming it on their phones and it's all on YouTube. It gets like eight hits. He looks like the third person on Blind Date.

He has of him, the one who wears the spandex. In fact, I'd rather pay £10 and have someone dumped with a sense of gravitas than this. Imagine if you got him to ask people out for you. The chances would be much slimmer. That would be good, don't they? This is what I like about the story, because it's kind of a return to the playground rules, isn't it? Of, you know, can you go and dump her for me?

Did people do that? Do you not remember that? I remember that my mate fancies you trying to get, but not my mate no longer wishes to be. That's because I never went out with anyone until I was about 20. By then, people had generally grown up. If he did it for me, I'd want him to sing.

A singing dumper? Yeah. You pushed and pushed and pushed it, Frank, and now he's finally jumped. You're dumped, you're dumped, you're dumped. Waving the gingham trilby. I think there's an Ivan Novello in that. That was an incredible bit off the topham trilby. I think there's an eye in the velo in that. That was an incredible bit off the top of your hat.

Thank you very much. Off the top of my gingham trilby, which I'm not wearing. No, I sort of admire, as you say, his entrepreneurship. No. But how does he find the person? On the website. No, but the person, say if I phone him up, right, and I say, you know, I've been married 52 years.

I want to end it. Can you tell my wife? How does he find the wife? Well, presumably you would give your wife's number or workplace. Yeah, but that's worse, isn't it? I'm not going to give the phone number of a newly single woman to a man in a gingham trilby. I don't think he's a hunter. I don't think

he finds the person. I think he just goes and delivers the information. No, but he has to track them down in order to have the conversation. He offers a face-to-face, doesn't he, for a supplementary fee? I think he does, but I think he's assuming that you will give him the name and address of the person rather than that he has to play this enormous game

of find the person. You know what, I've been so obsessed with watching Sherlock, just lately, I think my life has become... Anyway. Frank, Frank, Frank Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. We've had quite a few texts in from people that want their businesses advertised

while the adverts weren't working. I don't know if we can legally do that, but we can generally skate around the subject. We can let you know that your correspondence is valued. There weren't any things going this morning. I don't know how to court case. Sweets and Treats, an old-fashioned sweet shop in West Wycombe, has texted in. That's nice, isn't it? Sweets and Treats. Do we want to encourage child obesity? Well, you say that, but she says it's sugar-free and gluten-free sweets,

so I can eat them free. That's not a sweet, then, is it? It's not. Look, let's not lead them in and then slap them across the face once the door's closed. Team, can you please, please advertise my little canal-side cafe in Rickmansworth, Hertfordshire? There we go.

I'm not even going to name it because we might get in trouble. But there won't be that many by the side of the canal. Exactly. We've named it Obliquely, haven't we? Obliquely would be a great name for it. Sounds like a Jane Austen sort of setting. Sounds like the presenter of Dancing on Ice, Christina Obliquely. Had she had a bit more Irish...

I think she says Blake, didn't she? She doesn't want to be known as Bleatley. I wouldn't have thought. Oh, I don't know. That sounds like a bit of a downer. There's an advert for children's beds. Do you have a novelty bed as a child? Children's beds?

Yes, novelty children's beds. Oh, I guess they've got things on them, like Shrek or Spider-Man. I think it's more like a racing car, like half a racing car. Oh, one of those things. Cars too, that would be really good. We had a cheap one, it was like two beds welded together. Cotton shorts.

No, nothing novelty about my bed except there was three of us in it. A little insight into the former life of the presenter there on Absolute Radio. Went a bit Matt Berry. So, yeah, we were talking about this bloke is offering a fiver to dump your partner. If, I think the whole idea of this website is people offer unusual services. Yeah, I had a look at it. It's weird, the variety. I mean, of a clean nature. All for £5. Yeah,

you can get someone to tweet for you, you can get someone to do a spreadsheet, there's all sorts of stuff. Really weird, some of it. Yeah. But fun. It's quite a fun thing. What would you go for if you could pay someone a fiver to do a job you hate doing? I'll tell you what I think would be...

This morning I might ask them to do this. Yeah, come in and do the show. I think this is going to sound like the most middle-class radio I've ever heard. I think people who've got a cleaner resent having to do that little tidy-up that you do before the cleaner gets there. I think it'd be quite nice to pay someone a fiver to do the pre-cleaner a pre-cleaner it's a good idea i think a pre-cleaner tidy is worth a fiver in it mine's quite similar because i hate cleaning my teeth if i didn't have to clean my teeth i would happily not bother if there was any reason why i could get out of it i would do it so what i'd like is for

five pounds twice a day someone just to stand next to my bed with a sort of old Victorian style metal bowl and I could just spit into it with my, you know, just make it as minimal effort as possible. That's good. What you want is tuberculosis. I want a tease made equivalent of

a toothbrush. Yeah, you don't look that big. Yeah, the one that sort of makes its way across in the morning while you're still... Is this Wallace and Gromit that we're describing? Pete Robinson. I'd be happy for someone to shave me in the mornings. Just the face? Yeah, just the face, not the whole thing. I don't want to be slipping out of bed.

It's the only way I can get any purchase on my shiny my shiny fitted sheets they're pure silk they aren't um yeah i'd like that's i'd happily uh i'd be happy with that a fiver for a shave yeah probably every second day wouldn't it i don't but i'm just do people tidy before the cleaner comes around have Have you got a cleaner? Yes. But I don't tidy. We do a pre-cleaner. I wouldn't mind someone who came round after the cleaner to turn the lights off. Whenever I get back, she tends to leave all the lights on.

I think it's a way of saying, look how clean this is. Or just to acknowledge that she's been there. Someone could come round after the cleaner and just straighten all the pictures back up. But where does it end? Then someone has to come round. Before you know it straighten all the pictures back up. That's another thing. But where does it end? Then someone has to come round and... Before you know it, you're spending £20 a week, aren't you? On men with gingham hats just coming round straightening them.

Well, that's it. The gingham trilby could be the badge of these £5 service people. And they could... Oh, I tell you what I wouldn't mind. Someone who gets your cough links in that's not worth five pounds well come on that's inflation i'd say that's a quid each top i think you'll find that's a that's a broomstick based game in harry potter no i'm all right for the first the first section of the sleeve but getting it through the second

section i find quite this is a this is an expensive man's problem isn't it oh i can't get my coffee first world problem the second cough link insertion a novel by ben o'bain no it's um i would like i would like that you just You think of all the things that you don't like doing in life. There aren't many, but... But do you want a stranger coming in in a gingham trill, Betty? I'd like somebody just before I went on stage or just in any meeting situation just to check my flames were done up, I didn't have any bogeys and my make-up was sort of straight

and then I could just go on there confidently knowing that I was ready and that there was nothing that could go wrong. Yeah, if only you'd been here this morning. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Somebody's texted in saying nail clip for dogs for five pounds. Now that would be good because clipping the dog's toenails is a pain. That's a chore of a job. Well, I would say one of my favourite sounds in all the world is the sound of dog toenails on linoleum.

So I like to leave them long. You've got a CD of that that you play to go to sleep, don't you? I use it for my massage. Like dolphins. Dogtails on linoleum. No, dogtails. Not dogtails.

Now that's what I call dogtails on linoleum. No, dog tails. Not dog tails. Now that's what I call dog nails on linoleum. 38. I'm on the same cycle of nail clipping as my dog. When mine need done, the dog's need done. Can you do each other? Do each other's lefts? Usually do them on the same day. I'm going left, so it's

doing the right is difficult. They should call it a petticure. A petticure, yeah. It's a fabulous idea. Hey, I heard a great motto while I was away. I've been in Bermuda doing some comedy gigs. Have you? And I met an American comic. And American comics are American comics, you know, so...

They're not light. They're not light comics. They're more polished than us, definitely. They are. They're not light. They're not like comics. They're more polished than us, definitely. They are. They're very polished. They are polished. And on that subject, we were discussing Jerry Seinfeld, who is perhaps arguably the most polished.

I've never met Jerry Seinfeld, but I bet he smells of aftershave lotion. I suspect that's true. What's the difference between aftershave and aftershave lotion? Oh, none. That's it. Well, one's a longer description. Right.

Yeah. OK, then maybe he smells of aftershave balm. Is that what you're getting at? He might have a balm, I don't know. Yeah, a balmy vibe. I have not been able to get a Jerry Seinfeld motto out of my head from apparently when he worked on the road, he had the motto. Do you want to hear it?

Because we're all comics in this room and maybe the listeners have an interest in how people live their life. On the road his motto was eat right pack light, work tight. I love that.

I genuinely loved it. That's his motto. Eat right pack light work tight. Good night. Pack light. Pack light. Pack light. Work tight. Work tight. Good night.

What does he mean by work tight? Work tight. I think he means, you know. Get drunk. No. Before you go on. No, I think he means, you know, storm it. Do your stuff.

Keep it tight. Make it good. Obviously, it's been misheard by some British comics, and it just means that they don't buy a round at the bar. I don't like the sound of work tight. That sounds like someone who's carefully honed their material until there's no humanity left in it. You carefully hone your material?

Yeah, you just read that off a bit of paper. I've got that written down. I've done an autocue. This whole thing's done an autocue. We've rehearsed this eight times. Yeah. I don't know what you're taking against me. Yeah, it's good that we've got that very laid back atmosphere. An American comic said to me,

I was starting out and I was looking for advice, and he said, never leave your wallet in the dressing room. Never leave your wallet in the dressing room. And I've lived by that, certainly. I like a motto. I'm all for it, but I don't like Jerry's. Is that your motto? I'm all for a motto. Yes.

The Skinner family motto is Sanguis Elvut Nera. What's that? Which means blood and wounds. That's the Skinner family motto. I looked it up on the internet. Again, it's a great one for stand-up. Yeah. I think.

And then, of course, there's Catherine Jenkins, which again is a great one for stand-up, I think. And then, of course, there's Katherine Jenkins, whose motto is, The Lord's Prayer Recited Backwards. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Alan Cochran and Holly Walsh. That's the kind of morning I'm having. Don't make it sound like such a bad thing. Nothing's quite right this morning.

My headphones aren't right. Adverts weren't working. I feel like I'm disconnected from my people. I've got an email that will connect you back to your people. Good. From a lady called Marie, who saw you on Graham Norton, and you were talking about your swimming endeavours. Oh, yes.

She felt that everything you were saying was the same thing that she'd thought over all these years about her own swimming. She's a non-swimmer. And that you were very inspiring to non-swimmers. Oh, well, that... I hope I don't let them down, because I tell you something, there's a secret society of non-swimmers. I did the Graham Norton show, and I said, the thing is that for sport relief,

after all these people do all these massive, you know, swim the channel and all that stuff, I'm going to swim a length of a... Actually, it's going to be... It looks like it's going to be an Olympic pool, and in fact it'll actually be a width as I'm going to swim, because that is a normal length. 25 metres.

Even that is amazing, isn't it? Because that sort of lets you know how big Olympic pools are. Yeah, exactly. A width is a normal length. They're 50 metres, aren't they? They're 50 metres. Yeah, it's like... They're huge.

Yes, but even, I mean, 25 metres. Just me swimming. I'm frightened of water just getting in. But afterwards, when I told the story, the audience were laughing like it was some ironic thing i was gonna do and then after in the green room a woman came up to me and said excuse me but i'm frightened of water as well i just want to wish you the best of luck and it's like being part of a little you know the secret handshake oh nice and we both got the shaky hands

for it so i am not yet on five live and I was rooting for you, even as I was driving. Well, the thing is, it could well be one of the challenges, because they always seem to complete the challenges, don't they, on a sport lift? No-one ever fails, and this could be the one. Honestly, because I am... Well, I can't use the expression, but I'm quite frightened. Do you know which pool you're going to be doing it in?

Well, it looks like it's going to be the Olympic pool. In East London? I don't know where it is, you know. I'll just get to be doing it in? Well, it looks like it's going to be the Olympic pool. In East London? I don't know where it is, you know. I'll just get in a car and be taken there. You should get one of those Olympic... I'm not swimming there. Olympic ring tattoos from doing it. Do you think so?

Yeah. What, with the logo? You deserve it, yeah. The really rubbish logo of a massive one. Get on your hip bone. No, I mean, I'm... I'm hoping I get the rowboat. Yeah. You know the accompanying

rowboat with the megaphone and the hot sweet tea. This is obviously something you haven't had to think about before, but are you going to go for the Speedo? The Bermuda? I mean, which kind of swimming trunks are you going for with this? Or are you just going to go for some old costume? I asked one of

the people from Sport Relief if there was a sort of something that um involved a kind of a if there was a speedo all in one i want to wear a teddy is what i want to wear uh because i don't my um my torso is it's just kind of like a sort of victorian gentleman with sort of um... Well, I don't want it to be comedy, though. Do you know what I mean? I could drown. I don't want to drown in a comedy opening. I don't want to be like Yogi Bear. Surely you just don't want to drown.

Not that Yogi Bear drowned. I'm dressed as Yogi Bear. Sorry? Surely you just don't want to drown. Mainly I don't want to drown. The clothing becomes secondary as a concern. So have you got... I'm unbanned at the moment.

Is that patronising to ask? No, apparently they're not keen on that. I've actually had air-filled implants put into my biceps. So that no... No, well, I haven't had my first lesson yet. I don't have my first lesson for another week. So I don't know whether they're going to do it with me. Maybe it's like riding a bike where you don't do stabilisers anymore

do they not? the advice is not to do stabilisers I think it's easier to go from no stabilisers to riding a bike stabilisers would be a great idea though wouldn't they for swimming if I had like wheels that went to the bottom but apparently it's something like 5 metres or something the Olympic pool I've never ever been out of my depth in a swimming pool in my life But apparently it's something like five metres or something, the Olympic pool. Downwards. I have never, ever been out of my depth in a swimming pool in my life.

Really? Because my only thing is I can float a bit, but I have to know it and put my feet down at any time. Oh, wow. It doesn't bear thinking about. And Zach Braff, who was on Graham Norton with me, said, Well, you know, you could just take a really long time and I could keep cutting back to you. That's an interesting... Then someone could come in and move me along the pool.

But I think I'm going to do it the right... You know, I've ever seen people walk on hot coals and you do it as fast as you can to get it over with. So I want to really build up the speed in case I just lose my nerve. Anyway, that's what I'm going to do and I am genuinely frightened. Oh, well, that's a lot.

Yeah, congratulations for giving it a go. Well, I just read a thing about, you know you see those things in the paper about people complain about things from holidays, and they have a list of genuine complaints. And one of them was from parents who said, we were never told that there would be fish in the sea. Our children were genuinely startled. So I've got all that to look forward to,

that little voyage of discovery. So I was reading an interview with Simon Cowell. Are we really going from The Fall to Simon Cowell? I think that... In one easy stride. You can't say that, you see, because we're not playing The Fall to Simon Cowell in one easy stride? You can't say that, you see, because we're not playing The Fall on all the other channels we're on. Oh, OK.

No, I think he was talking about a sort of bigger picture, like The Fall of Man to Simon Cowell. I think he's been quite... Now you've taken it even longer. We're still off air now on Absolute 80s. So Simon Cowell is planning... So he says, the winner of Britain's Got

Talent, which I think starts, does it start this week? I think it might, yeah. I hope it starts soon, because I need a haircut and I can't possibly go to the hairdresser's if there isn't a major reality TV show on. So I won't have anything to talk about in the chair. Is that what you talk about? I would have thought you would spend your time

and when it came to small talk about? I would have thought you would spend your time, when it came to small talk topics, I would have thought football would have been your natural ground. No, but they're all young, they're all young sort of Australian women at the hairdresser's. You should go to a different hairdresser then. No, but this is nine quid, you can't turn your back on that. I think if you looked at a certain website, you could get it for a fiver.

Yeah, you could. Yeah, but I don't want it to be topped off with a man in a gingham tr off with it i will not have my haircut by a man who wears a hat maybe that's why he's got it because he got his haircut for a five so uh yeah so anyway he's saying that the winner he's been in talks with richard branson, the winner of Britain's Got Talent, will sing in space. Ah, yeah, I saw that. He puts it in a very strange way. He said, imagine Susan Boyle singing on-chain melody

in front of the whole planet. What does that mean, in front of the whole planet? Does he think that if you're in space, you're like the man in the moon? Everyone can see you. It's still she could do in front of the whole planet, just from a room somewhere. And what is the front of the planet?

Well, yeah. She could actually be doing it to one side of the whole planet. My head's going mad now. He's also forgot that she didn't win it. She was second, so she wouldn't have even been there unless she stowed away like an alien. Who won it? Who won it that year?

Was the diversity won it? Oh, did they? I don't know. Yeah, so... But also, people don't go into a talent competition to sing in space. Like, that's... No-one's dream has ever been,

I want to become an amazing singer so that I get to sing in space. It's not a prize people are interested in. Well, you say that. Give them a million pound record deal. Well, then what they usually get is they get to sing at the Royal Variety Performance, which is such a perfect reward

for an odd sort of show that features people from the periphery of society. Yeah. Because there's something very bizarre about the fact the Royal Variety Performance still exists. Have you done it? I did it. I died most dreadfully on it,

I must say. Did you? Oh, God, yeah, it went so badly. I remember there was a woman in the front row wearing a sweatshirt with a big tiger face on it. You know that was a queen? Was it? See, I don't like the way they've gone cash.

I don't like that. I like a bit of distance from the royal. No, I had a terrible experience there. And they always say this thing, though, on Britain's Got Talent, they say this thing that, well, if someone goes on and they're like a stage belcher or something, so they belch some tunes, and then they'll say, do you really think the royal family want to see this? That's become their rule of thumb for what's morally acceptable. I've often thought I'd like to go on Britain's Got Talent and slaughter an enormous stag as my act. And then when he said do you think the royal family want...

Oh actually they do like this kind of stuff. I love this. Yeah and then they'd be exposed to the world. I read that thing that he's going to send a winner into space, but they also showed a photo of one of the people that had auditioned in the Salford Lowry in Manchester, and it was a guy dressed as a Roman centurion. And I thought, of all people to catapult into space,

he is perhaps least equipped, because he's behind even us. I mean, I'm not ready for ault into space, he is perhaps least equipped because he's behind even us. I mean, I'm not ready for a trip to space, but this guy's a Roman centurion in his own head. I wonder what the act is. Yeah, you do wonder. That he falls for being dressed as a Roman. Maybe he kills a stag. I don't know. Did they have stags out there?

No, but they were probably better with a sword than we are. I hope there's a lion involved. I am pretty good with a sword, but anyway. Are you? Yeah. My granny had a sword and I used to play with it. True story. Your granny had a sword?

Yeah. Okay. I think we'll come back to this one. If you want to text us about anything at 8.12.15, if it's... Is your granny still alive? No. See, you have no backup on this, this could be completely made up.

Anyway. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. What's we talking about? Simon Cowell. The other thing I liked in the article I read was that it said that he's just got back off his New Year holiday. He's only just

announced this after his New Year holiday. I was thinking, on the 20th of January or 19th or whatever it was. And then I thought, oh, well, he probably has to take all that time off, because that's probably how long it takes him to change his money back to British, isn't it? Like, to English money. Well, I don't think he brings it all. You don't have

to change your entire... I've just brought back about $50 from Bermuda, but he's probably got to change like three and a half million quid back into money, hasn't he? I might misunderstand this. That's probably why he's taken so long to start hyping up. One thing he said was that

Richard Branson, it's going to cost something like, he said something, it's going to cost millions to do this thing in outer space. But you can get a ticket on that spaceship, and it's not millions, it's about 30 grand. When does that all kick off? I don't know.

They said this year, probably. So couldn't you just go on it? You could put your winner on it, then they could get up and do their act. Yeah, but then it would cost a lot to put the cameras in and stuff like that. Yeah, but not that much. He's just building it off.

He also said, he said, this can't be compulsory, but it will happen. Well, what does that mean? It can't be compulsory, but it will happen. I think Simon Cowell might have... I think it's finally happened. What, he's gone a bit... I think he's gone. He has worn his trousers very high for a long time. Well, I don't know if he does that anymore. I mean, don't get me What, he's gone a bit? I think he's gone. He has worn his trousers very high for a long time. Well, I don't know if he does that anymore.

I mean, don't get me wrong, he's in great shape, physically. Is he? I think he's rotting from the core, like he's being microwaved by immorality. And I don't know about you, but I hate it when that happens. He's also, he's poached Alicia Dixon. I don't mean in an elaborate... Cooking. Yeah, that'd be...

Heston Blumenthal. Did he spin the water first, like the new one? Yeah, and he said, I did it, he said, mainly to just a scopper, Strictly Come Dancing. Did he say that? Yeah. 70-30. I would be so annoyed if I was Alicia Dixon,

because then you just realise you're nothing but a pawn in a power game. In a rich man's game. That's what we've got you in this morning. I'm nothing but a pawn. Just filing for CBeebies. Frank, Frank, Frank Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio.

We've had a few people text in with advice for you on your Verrucas, Frank. This is what people want on commercial radio, is Verruca cures. I've always said that. Be good name for a band. After trying all the different Verruca remedies on my daughter's foot, resulting in really sore skin and still no success, I decided to look for a herbal remedy, although I am a cynic. That caveat makes us trust you slightly more. Did he go to the local witch coven?

It's a she, it's Helen. Okay. However, one remedy was to cut a square of banana skin, which I imagine is quite a hard thing to do. What? I could do that in a trice. Really? You could probably hole punch a banana skin, I reckon.

That would work, yeah. Place it inside down on the verruca and cover it with a plaster. We did this every night for a week and the verruca had gone. Something to do with the chemical make-up of the banana skin, maybe. I like that. I think that's a possibility. Give it a try. I like an email that ends with two questions. I like the comedy element of it involving a banana skin's a possibility. Perhaps you should give it a try. I like an email that ends with two questions.

I like the comedy element of it involving a banana skin under a foot. Yeah, doesn't it? It sounds hazardous straight away, but if you fix it firmly with a plaster, I think you should be able to. Can I say that we don't, Absolute Radio, don't sanction any of these experimental cures for Verrucas. If you do it and your foot turns into a banana, don't come crying to me.

Well, a bloke, another bloke... Banana foot. Already got the nickname. It hasn't happened yet. Sorry. Another man has emailed in, My chemist had no tape to wrap my daughter's verruca. The DIY man next door suggested gaffer tape. The verruca didn't see the light of day.

Worked a treat. What I like about this is that I imagine there's two shops next to each other. One is a chemist, the other one is a DIY shop. And if anyone comes out looking baffled, the guy just leaves out his shop and offers an alternative. You tried... You tried... You who?

Have you tried raw plug in the Veruca? Just drill it out, mate. Drill it out. That's the thing to do, isn't it? I reckon you could drill it out. Isn't it just? So what are you going to do about it? Well, hopefully I'm going to cause a major outbreak at the Olympics.

Oh, no. Are you just going to walk? Oh, yeah, because you're going to the Olympic pool. Yeah, so I'll just leave Veruca Spores in the Veruca Spores, another great band. Second album lost its way a bit. But, yeah, so these will come in handy post-Olympics. You're going to have to wear a rubber sock on the telly.

Well, apparently I spoke about this. Shot your face. I spoke about this, and apparently it's been poo-pooed. The whole theory that you can catch verrucas from damp surfaces and stuff is no longer accepted by the medical community. I don't think in medical terms it's poo-pooing. I think it's called discounting medically.

That's what it said in The Lancet. They are quite kind. They've really dumbed down, I think, The Lancet, I have to say. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. On the subject of banana skins sticking to your foot, we've had an email. I don't know if you remember we talked about... Do you remember we talked about the banana guard a long time ago?

You know, the banana guard... There is a theory, I believe this is where it comes from, that the banana is a sly and insidious fruit. If you put a banana in a fruit bowl, it generates a gas that causes the other fruit to rot quicker than they normally would. Although it's handy if you've got fruit that you want to be ripened quicker. Pop it in a brown bag with a banana. Also, if you peel it, and you put it in a fruit salad,

you've got to do that last, otherwise it goes black and sludgy. So that's another point against it. I think we can say for certain the banana is not a team player. No, it's very good for solo sports such as tennis. I love bananas. Anyway, we had an email in... That's the trailer. Dear Frank and Ben... I love bananas. Anyway, we had an email in...

That's the trailer. Dear Frank and Ben... I love bananas. I love the show, and I thought I would share... Oh, it's gone a bit Steve Wright in the afternoon. I thought I would share with you a recent Christmas present anecdote of mine. Can you imagine my delight upon receiving a banana protector, he's calling it, for Christmas? Is he a cricketer?

In my excitement, I rushed to the fruit bowl to retrieve the finest specimen I could find. I think he means banana. Put it in the case to try it out. However, upon opening another present of Christmas socks, I soon overlooked the banana protector, casting it aside. How easily done that is.

Oh yeah. This morning I found it again after nearly a month and well, I don't have to describe what I found. It had not fulfilled its purpose of preserving the banana. I don't think it was ever... No, you see, I think it's a separator rather than a preserver. I think it's a banana guard for in your rucksack so that it doesn't get squashed by folders. Oh, I thought it was a guard for the other fruit to stop its vapour corrupting them.

Oh, we're all so confused. No, no, I think you're right. I think it is... You put it in the sort of plastic case, it's sort of like a laptop carrier bag or whatever, you know, like it's the thing that stops it getting bashed up and dented because everybody knows bananas are easily bruised. Yeah, but are they any more easily bruised than a peach, say? Where's the peach guard?

That's exactly my point. It's ridiculous. In fact, they're more protected than a peach because they've got their own skin. Nature has provided a skin for them. I think there probably is a peach guard. I think you could get one of those soap boxes. There's a scotch guard.

I think that's for scotch eggs, yeah? That you spray them with it before you travel. No, a scotch guard is a spray, isn't it? It's a sellotape. No, it's a spray. Oh, yeah, scotch tape is a tape. Yeah. Scotch guard is a spray, isn't it? It's a sellotape. No, it's a spray. Oh, yeah, Scotchtape is a tape. Yeah, Scotchgard is what you spray. If you're allergic to cats, you spray them,

and it keeps their dander in place. Or the cat, or the hairs. You spray the cat. Anyway, I had a friend who had a similar problem. He put a humane mousetrap under the sink and then came back. There's a banana in it. He came back a month later and had forgotten about it. It was less than humane. Less than humane mousetrap under the sink and then came back. There was a banana in it. He came back a month later and had forgotten about it. It was less than humane.

Less than humane then, let's just say. It had been in so long it had written a note. On the bright side, Tom got Christmas socks. I love getting socks for Christmas. Genuinely cheers. Not if they were Christmas socks. Not if they had Homer Simpson on them. Ho, ho, ho.

Anyway, look, time is running out, I think, for all of us. If you want to download Not The Weekend podcast, that's available from Wednesday. Vicky Blight is next. I look forward to your emails about banana guards, which I'm sure will come in. Banana guards, that's what I'm using if I ever stage a military coup in this country

That should be your safety word You use your banana guards and then you establish If you get that phone call I'll remember that Look, if the good Lord's willing and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again next week Thank you to Holly and to Alan

and thank you all for listening