The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Resolutions

Episode Date: January 5, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss their New Year's Resolutions, have a friend of the show update and now Gerard Depardieu has become a Russian Citizen that decide what nationality they'd choose.

Frank, Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 8-12-15, or you can follow us on Twitter, of all things, at Frank on Absolute. I think we're also on Facebook, MySpace. I'm on LinkedIn, if you really want to dig deep.

You're on Friends Reunited as well. Friends Reunited. I'm on under Albury Technical School, if you want to go in deep on that one. Don't think there's a photograph. There is some photographs of me, but not from school. Weird. I think that's about all the social networking you can get us on bibo isn't it called bibo no but there's pinterest and tumblr you haven't even gone there

no and um and i'm on grinder oh get over it so um welcome um to old listeners who've lived through the the winter and when you say welcome to old listeners who've lived through the winter When you say welcome to old listeners who've lived through the winter, that sounds like it's the title of the show, welcome to old listeners who've lived through the winter I thought I got the wrong script, hold on

That's the thing I'm doing on 5 Live about caring the community That could have been for a difficult morning That's the thing I'm doing on Five Live, about caring the community. That could have been for a difficult morning. Yeah, and if there's any new listeners, it gets better than this. Come back with... Usually. I've gone to Capital. They don't want to do that to you.

It's rubbish. Thanks. So, I tell you what I've noticed as we move into a new year, 2013, unlucky for some, if you know what I'm saying, is there doesn't seem to be those conversations that one normally has this time of the year about what people's New Year's resolutions are. Is it dying out, the New Year's resolution? Oh, I see what you mean.

I've had a few of those conversations. Have you? Well, that was in your weekly meeting. I blame the Mayan civilisation. People weren't looking ahead. They all thought it was going to end. This is the year we don't need one.

So, you know, the world didn't end on the 21st of December and people have had to scrape together some last-minute resolutions. They haven't given it the normal thought. But no, no-one's... I don't know. Have you guys made any? I've got a couple. That wasn't like a radio question. I honestly don't know. That wasn't like Des O'Connor, I couldn't possibly sing.

Des O'Connor, you say things like, so, you've had a bit of trouble with your neighbours. Like, you'd say that out of the blue. What do you mean, you want me to do my troublesome neighbours material? Why don't you just say that? Why don't you say, do your troublesome neighbours material? And I'll be like the audience and laugh and you do the material. I've got a few, Frank.

Troublesome neighbours? No, resolutions. The proper ones? Yes. Okay. got a few frank troublesome neighbors no resolutions proper ones yes okay my um first one is i'm going to do what i call a bit more of a skinner in the mornings which is oh dear it's me embarrassing no i don't even remember telling her about it no it's a skinner euphemism what's that well it doesn't involve the calics. What it involves is jumping out of bed. Don't hit the snooze button, basically.

Phone at the other end of the room and get out in three strides or less. Three actions, I'm sorry. Duvet off, one foot out, press the alarm off. I do a little count to myself. Do you? I go 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 1 and then i have to get up or i'll have a heart attack that's what i've told myself that if i don't get up i'll have a heart attack and die it'll be my own fault and is your alarm set every day for a particular time every day do you have it no

what do you think i am a knock case i set it for when i need to get up that day. If I don't need to get up, but sometimes I don't even set it at all. That's how I live my life. How exciting. Yeah. And also, Frank, I'm going to, I think, I'm getting a bit skinner now. I'm going to have four days off alcohol every week. That makes it sound like I've got a problem. I dream of four days off.

Yeah. Well, actually, I dream of three days off. I think I once read that Melvin Bragg takes the first seven days of every month off alcohol. Yeah. I mean, Frank has really taken you and raised you on that. 25 years and counting, isn't it? That's a big chunk.

I'm wondering now, does that mean for the rest of the month Melvin Bragg is drinking like a wild man? Yeah, I think so. I think that's the general idea. Oh, okay. This means you have got some, Frank. I always, I think it's a good thing to do.

What have you got? I try to move mine around a bit so I do them at other times in the year. I'll tell you something that happened to me, though, on the subject of New Year's. Get this. I, yesterday, I was writing the date down and instead of 2013, I wrote 2012. Like it was... You blithering idiot. You know, if you put that in a sitcom, people would think it was too far-fetched. They wouldn't accept it. We should save that for your Des Conner appearance. Oh, man.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I'm thinking I might start pickling my own herring. Oh, yeah. As a New Year's resolution. It's a bit Ibsen. Lovely. I had pickled herring over the Yuletide season as i suppose we

all did and uh was it a roll mop or just the standard pickled no it wasn't it was uh i'm always worried about the staking of the roll mop that i might uh it might get to the roof of my mouth inadvertently eat a wooden stick yeah yeah uh But it's brilliant, pickled herring. It's one of the best things. I'd put it ahead of the National Health Service as things that I really, really love. And I'm thinking I'm coming to the process a bit late, though. You know, it's already done.

I'm like, you know, people used to do jokes about the Americans entering World War II a bit late. That. Yeah. You know, it's already done. I'm like, it's not... You know, people used to do jokes about the Americans entering World War II a bit late. That's how I am with pickled herring. Yeah, it's like a young man's game. I don't really know what the pickling process is, so I'm going to look into it and I'm going to pickle my own herring in 2013. If anyone tunes into that now,

that is not a euphemism. Yeah. And I'll let you know how that goes because I don't think it's just about putting it in vinegar. I think there's some other spices and things going on there. No, I think there is more to it, yeah. But, you know, last year was sort of the year that baking became cool. I thought it was going to set as a year of the herring, and I missed it.

No, I think last year was the year... There'll be a national herring week. Last year was the year of baking, but I think this year could well have a gap there. It could be a pickling year. I think of myself as someone who's slightly ahead of the... You're definitely ahead of the curve, aren't you? I am.

On the pickling, definitely. I do. I think this time next year, I'm going to play this back, when there's the great British pickling TV show and stuff. Everyone will be pickling herring like there's no tomorrow. On that subject, how did you do last year with your New Year's resolution, which I believe was the water, wasn't it? You were going to give the water

drinking a real try. Yes. Was it? Two litres a day was my target. It's a lot. It turns out it is quite a lot. It is quite a lot. I've got litre mixed up with teaspoon.

I did it for about three or four days of that and I went to the toilet quite a lot. Yeah. Oh, God. It will have that effect. Yeah. But someone said if you stick with it, your body gets used to it and more of it is absorbed.

In the end, you just absorb water like that. You know a cheap ham? Yeah. Pump it with water to put the weight on. Oh, don't compare yourself to that. You're a lovely man. I am a cheap ham. Lovely man.

But what I did, I thought, after about five days, I thought, I need the cavalry to come and rescue me here. Oh, yeah. So I bought a bottle of Robinson's lemon barley water. Yes. If you were a drink that's what you'd be. Well I love it. I know. And it just, I think you are drinking water

but you've just, you know the way the Olympics sort of sweetened the vicious cots in public services. That's what Robinson's barley does for drinking that two litres of water a day. But I never got quite back to the two litres. I'd say I drink somewhere between a glass and none.

A day, yeah. Right. So when you look back at 2012, it wasn't like a... Well, you don't think of it as the year of the water. No, it's not like Waterworld. Right. No. You know, I not like Waterworld. Right. No. You know, I might have another go at that.

The trouble is a couple of people tell me it wasn't true as well, that it's not good for you to drink that much. Which people? Pete Daugherty said that. Well, no, apparently it can do something to your spinal column and knock you out. Water? Yeah, if you have too much. It's like you can drown on land if you have too much it's like drone you can

drown on land if you're sure that wasn't a conversation about the seat on the bmw honestly you can drink you can drown on land if you drink too much water oh really yeah so uh i mean the trouble is if you drown on land is that if you drown at sea or if you're drowning at sea people who rescue you they know they know the problem instantly but if someone saw me lying on the streets of london they're not going to think they're going to think he started drinking again but they're not going to think we're not going to think he's drowning we better give him the artificials no no they're going to think it's something else by the time they get they're probably going to think i didn't get out of

bed at the count of 10 i've had a heart attack. That's it. So, yeah, I'm frightened. But I've got an ecological resolution. So I think we should all, you know... Do our bit. We should all do our bit. But I want to play some adverts first because I think they're the best thing about this station. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, ecologically, I'm thinking, and I can't believe no-one's ever thought this before, I'm only going to flush the toilet last thing before I go to bed. Oh, disgusting. Well, I've never been round to your place, but I'm not so keen now. Why?

Well, it's going to smell like a festival, isn't it? I don't think it's going to smell as bad as the decaying corpses of polar bears, if you don't mind me saying. Have you got them in your flat as well? Well, we all will if we don't do something soon. They're quite aggressive anyway. Just leave it.

I don't think the polar bears are're quite aggressive anyway. Just leave it. I don't think the polar bears are going to get to London. Mind you, you're close to the Thames, aren't you? No, but you see, it's all... This is how it starts. Some people say, oh, no, don't recycle, it's not worth it. Oh, no, just flush your toilet when you feel like it. Next thing you know, end of the world.

Well, why don't you just... Why don't we meet halfway where instead of just flushing right at the end of the day you only flush on solids that's that's like camping rules or something this is nice yeah i don't know i'm so glad i came back to this no i didn't bring it up with i didn't start breaking it down into categories to me it was the toilet it was an abstract world the toilet i don't like ecology either no you don't like ecology either. No. You don't like ecology? No. I don't like anything environment or ecology. I know what you mean. It's a bit junior school

project. It is, isn't it? It's pictures on the wall of the earth. I'm all for saving the planet but it's, exactly, it's the approach that's made and the way it's done. You need to do it in a slightly more chic way. Yeah. Has Alan got any resolutions? Yeah. I'm going to get my ears widened.

You know those big circles that the youth get? Oh, yeah. I've always fancied it. I think I'll look good and nothing, you know, it's time to do it. Yeah, these are my headphones. Oh, those are your headphones? Oh, actually, yeah, I work in radio, so the wound will probably put me off the show for a couple of weeks.

How big are you going to go? As big as, I'd say, a, probably a Petri dish size. Are you going sting size? That'd be good, we could meet up for table tennis. You can just sort of toss your head and hit your toes. Actually, during the show I could take, while we've got long songs on, I could take my headphones off and you could flick balls of paper through there

or something like a little basketball game. I don't think you're sincere about this. Well, tune in next week. Okay, I'd love to see you with those, that'd be brilliant. I'm probably not going to get that done. I know people that can help out with the surgery, just let me know. See, this is what I mean. It seems

that Alan doesn't have a proper resolution. I've got two, actually. I've got two proper resolutions. By the way, if there's any listeners that have got an interesting resolution that's a bit unusual, not just like lose weight two proper resolutions. By the way, if there's any listeners that have got an interesting resolution that's a bit unusual, not just like lose weight, stop drinking, stop, you know, hitting people, then send that in. I've got a good tip for people that haven't got a resolution.

I think if you're like a neutral, can I just suggest looking where you're going? Because a lot of people seem to have lost that skill. And if you haven't got a New Year's resolution, just take that and the world will be a better place. I don't know if I agree with that. I think they do look, but I think people are so insecure in their lives

that they think if I move slightly for this person, somehow I've lowered myself. Yeah, it's a low status move. So every time you pass someone, it's a confrontation to prove your worth. Yeah, but I bet Bruce Lee stepped out of the way for people. He didn't need to prove his worth, did he? Exactly. Let's all just be a bit more...

Anyway, here's my... Let's all be a bit more like Bruce Lee. My New Year's resolution, I'm going to tell you, not really the ears widened, because I think that will hamper my actual New Year's resolution, is last year yours was the water. This year, 2013, for Alan Cochrane is going to be the year of the sleep.

I'm going to prioritise sleep. I'm going to have some really big sleeps. What kind of a New Year's resolution is that? It's a good resolution. I'm going to do less is your New Year's resolution. I'm going to do more sleeping. It's like having this conversation with a bear. It's going to be good. It's going to be good.

It's going to be a great year. You know those sleeps that you have? That's not a resolution. It's supposed to be something you strive for. More sleep. Exactly. I'm striving for more sleep. I'm going to prioritise sleep.

I'm going to go to bed that half an hour earlier instead of staying up and shouting at Question Time or BBC Three. I'm going to... Oh, God forbid you should learn something. What? BBC Three? You won't learn anything from question time i thought you were very good on it actually i think it would be great you know those big sleeps where you feel like you've properly pressed your reset button i i feel like you frank skinner have those every single night because you prioritize sleep no no surely i'm going with Buzz, surely. I woke up at 4am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.

Me too, it's been a bad start to my resolution. Did you go to Sophisticats, Frank? I've told you to stop doing that now you've got a kiddie. It makes me ill. I lay awake thinking about stuff but I didn't think about pressing stuff or anything that was worrying me. I just thought about very

general things I'd seen on the telly. What I might wear today. Stuff, I mean, the most mundane stuff that kept me awake for two hours. It's kind of like small talk insomnia. I know those moments. Sometimes you just think, OK, I could try and get back to sleep, but I wouldn't mind just having a bit of a

think in the dark. I love a think in the dark. Yeah, how often do we have a think in the dark nowadays? Too a think in the dark. Yeah, how often do we have a think in the dark nowadays? Too often. I mind words. Yeah, some people only think in the dark. And that's why they won't move out of the way. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank? What is it? Well, I would like to talk about Gérard Depardieu. Oh, Gérard Depardieu. Have you been reading about him? Who hasn't? He's been all over the papers like a big Frenchman.

Well, he has. Does he look like... If Paul Merson was on a desert island for three years, would he look like Gérard Dep de padua i'd give it three days too much tiramisu gerard doesn't look like the type to say oh no i won't have seconds does he no i like that in him though yeah he's always loving he's a bullish character definitely bacchanalian yeah yeah good call but he's um he's a rusky now isn't he yeah in case you don't know this story um he's he's become russian he said he was fed up about because of the tax system in

france yeah and putin vladimir putin said and i quote if you'd like to have a russian passport consider it settled see that's how's how the Russians do stuff. Can I just say, I love their immigration laws. It's brilliant. It's like a gypsy horse fare. All in cash. I love the fact they did that and then didn't get bogged down in three months worth of paperwork.

I think he's still working. Exactly. That's the way to do it. I bet Mohammed Al-Fayyad saw that and thought, why didn't the British do that for me? Where was my considerate settled? Ironic, really, isn't it? Because you'd think the Russians would be a country

that would go for red tape, wouldn't they? It would work for them, wouldn't it? It's a bit disliked. Red tape. Quite 70s as well, I like that. I paid... I went into motorway services over the holiday and they uh then got the machine wasn't working and i had to pay for petrol in cash

oh yeah oh did you like that so 70s it's a good job you had it though it was i was lucky i had it because i'd already i'd already filled the car oh it like 58 quid. And at the end of it, the woman said, you can put this in one of your shows. Sure enough. Here we are. We'll get a good 25 minutes out of that. No, I think it's fair enough, isn't it? Departure goes to Russia.

It's the January window. He's allowed to move. The French Prime Minister, I was going to say his name, and then I realised I will sound like a middle-class parent trying to teach their child French but he is called Jean-Marc Arrion I love that, that's the sexiest thing ever

Oh, I'll say it again Jean-Marc Arrion he said, he described it as shabby behaviour didn't he? Yeah He's not a fan of defection But I think that was why Depardieu went in the end,

because the Prime Minister had called his decision shabby. And he was like, you don't speak about me. You're the Prime Minister. You've got other stuff to do. And so he went, right, I'm off. Wasn't shabby behaviour the informer in Starsky and Hodge? Is that right? Yeah, I think that was his name. in Starsky and Hotch.

Is that right? Yeah, I think that was his name. I think there's something great about suddenly in middle age thinking, oh, it might be another nationality. I like how confused it is as well, because he's a Frenchman who's moved to Belgium and become Russian. Yeah. It's weird, isn't it? I can see the lure of Russia, though.

I think it was Peter Sellers who said in that film, all those cornfields and ballet in the evenings. Yeah. It would be lovely. I think Gerard has perhaps fallen in love with old Russia. The sort of Rasputin Russia. Yeah, yes. He played Rasputin, didn't he? Well, he did. Yes. But it's all sort of

gullwing Mercedes now. It's different now, isn't it? When I say he played Rasputin I don't mean in the World Badminton Championships. I mean he played say he played Rasputin, I don't mean in the World Badminton Championships. I mean, he played the part for Rasputin. Would you go Russian? He was a bit of a character. Now, if I had a choice... Would you change your nationality?

Well, I've often thought this. I'd be German. Really? Definitely. Interesting choice. Controversial. They're the closest to the British, aren't they? The Germans. Closest to the royal family the British, aren't they, the Germans? The closest to the royal family, surely. I think they're closest.

It would be no good me taking on something Latino. I haven't got the temperament for it. You're not Latino. I've got that reserve of the Germans. Discipline. Added bit of acceptance of public nudity, which I wouldn't mind. And that would be my choice, yeah. And also, it's one of those nationalities that you really want to have arrived late.

Yes. Ideally, don't you? Yeah. You can say, I didn't come till 2013. Don't blame me. Yeah, you want to be late to the party. But no, that would be, for anyone listening, what would you be if you could change your nationality?

Are we asking them that instead of their New Year's resolution? What would you... We can do it all. That's a good question. I like it. Do you ever think... You must fantasise about being... 100%. I'd go Greek. People often mistake me for a member of the Greek royal family. I think I could be that

i like the food i'd be very wealthy in their terms now wouldn't i you would yeah i could see you as a as a yeah i might go brazilian frank you were talking earlier about one of your potential ecological initiatives. Flush once a day, end of the day. Last thing before you go to bed, clean your teeth, flush, goodnight. Certainly will be goodnight. Actually, maybe I'll flush and then clean my teeth. Carry on.

Kaz says, Frank, leave the water in the bath after you've had the bath, then pour a bucket of it down the toilet, then everyone happy. No dead bears, no smell to offend guests. The short is I tend to shower instead of bath, which is a problem with that. The only time I have a bath is when I get in with my baby. And if I then throw the water in the toilet, I suspect my girlfriend is going to say, why are the baby's toys from the bath in the toilet?

Why is the squirty frog in the toilet with all your unflushed waste? Oh, talking of the baby's toys, how's Monsieur Gingham getting on, I meant to ask? Oh, he's taking a bit of a back seat. Has he? Yeah, you know they're very hopes for him they're very fickle babies and um yeah i'm afraid mrs gingham is uh

he's a forgotten man oh well he's elephant or mouse forgotten perhaps he can an elephant be forgotten certainly not by other elephants Frank, we've had some nominations for potential nationalities people would like to change to Glenn in Lincoln I would definitely be Canadian everyone likes the Canadians that's true actually, they're seen as kind of civilised, but they also

get some of that sophistication of the Americans. And we say rather arrogantly, oh, you've got a human more like us. Yeah, they're sort of like bright Americans. Yeah. Americans that paid attention at school. Thin, bright Americans. That's what Canadians are. Well, Glenn goes on to say,

except for maybe Americans, and that makes being from Canada even more appealing. I think even Americans like Canadians, don't they? Everybody likes them. Whereas my choice, the Germans, less popular. But still more popular than the British. Yeah. What about you, Al?

I see you as, you know, I've always seen you in a Scandi way. It's got to be Scando, hasn't it? I've got to be some form of Scandian. That's quite cool as well. Oh, I see you as... You know, I've always seen you in a Scandi way. It's got to be Scando, hasn't it? I've got to be some form of Scandi. That's quite cool as well. Oh, I love you as a Scandi. Danish. I could do the Danish. Although they've probably got as high a tax bracket as Gerard Depardieu's got a problem with.

Or was the bottom line with him? No, I mean... The cash. Yeah, always. Gerard Depardieu's moved to... No romance to the nationality change. It's all about their tax system. I'm going for baklava, you're going for the tax rate.

We're talking on topic. I mean, if you're becoming Greek, it's against their culture to pay any tax, as far as I'm aware, from reading the papers. The Greeks, they're not big fans of it. No, I know. Apparently, Russia, it's like 13% or something. Is it? It's a flat rate.

Gerard. On a phone-up a flat rate. Flat rate. Gerard. On a phone up Gerard's TV. Frank's becoming... I've been great. Well, I think that might be a nice idea, that Russia might end up becoming one of those tax havens. They could be like Phil Kolinsky and... It would be a funny old...

You've got a lot of comics over there. Jimmy Karski, yeah. Frank, what do you... I mean, you've earned a few rubles over the years. How dare you say that to me? You have earned a few rubles over the years. You've been reading the Telegraph comments. But, you know sometimes when these people like Andrew Loweber say, I'm leaving the country if this government gets in because of the tax rate,

what do you think about that? Would you do that? No, no. Wouldn't you? Good for you. I don't need the money. Lewis Hamilton. I don't mind building the odd hospital out of my side wages.

No, I think if you earn the money, you should pay the tax. That's what I think. But I did... I got interviewed in The Telegraph this week and I did read a very interesting... I said I wouldn't do newspaper comments again, but this one... About yourself. You can do them about yourself. Yeah, I only comments again, but this one. About yourself?

You can do them about yourself. I only got as far as this one. I thought maybe leave it there. This is from David H. I'm hoping it's the Hoff. Oh. This is what it says about the interview with me. He says,

Nauseating, self- self-centered champagne socialist millionaire the definition of what was wrong with the new labor era i think as a recovering alcoholic calling me a champagne socialist is cruel yeah in the extreme david yeah i mean he's got your millionaire but but the rest of it's... Yeah, I don't have millionaires. So I won't have that. I think you're more of a Prosecco socialist. I think I'm more of a Vimto socialist. Can you be a Robinson's lemon barley water socialist? I think you can.

But David H is, you know, haters will hate. Oh, haters are going to hate. They will. That's what they are going to hate. They will. That's what they're going to do. Could be David Hume, the 18th century philosopher. David Hayes, the boxer. I think he'd have had... Careful.

Yeah, it could be him. I imagine he's got a slightly better sense of punctuation than this David H. David H, even that doesn't get a capital. I mean, he's a man... This is the best thing that's ever happened to David H, is me reading this. This is the big moment of his life.

I can't imagine he's a listener, though, could you? He might be. You know the haters? The haters are drawn in. No, they get up early in prison. Yeah. No, I see him more as... I think he works in an office.

Yes, he does. I think he's in sales. He's listening to Radio 5 as we speak yeah Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio you can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter

at Frank on Absolute we've had texts I don't think I've said that I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. We've had texts, have we not? We've had texts, in fact. I don't think I've said that I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I do apologise to you both. Well, as it happens, we've been given a moniker. You know, sometimes people put,

Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan or the Cochran or the Divine Emily. This one has got Hi F-E-T-C. Oh. We sound like a trade union. It nearly says Fetch, but it's... Frank Emily and the Cockerel. But if it was the Cockerel Happy, we'd have Fetch, wouldn't we? If it was the Cockerel Happy.

Well, it'd be a turn-up for the books. We'd have a party. It would. Certainly. Thought Frank was great on Graham Norton last night, but was he... Oh, yeah. Prize, prize has been sneaked into the show. I was going to delete it, but then it doesn't make sense. Thought Frank was on Graham Norton last night. Oh, yeah. Prize has been sneaked into the show. Well, I was going to delete it,

but then it doesn't make sense. I thought Frank was on Graham Norton last night. Yeah, that's how rumours start. It says, was he drinking milk or some sort of stomach medicine? Oh, because they give you a glass of summer, don't they? That's part one of the question.

No, I was drinking. Someone came up to me and said, what would you like to drink on the show and obviously I said Robinson's Lemon Barley Water. Shut the front door. Is that what you ordered? Shut the front door. I did. Yes.

That's what Graham Norton said to me. Yeah. Graham likes a white wine. He does like a white wine. I love what the guests like. It's my favourite thing in the world. He has quite a big white wine as well. Does he drink the whole thing then? Well, he did. And then he did Tom Cruise after. Stop it.

And he has another big glass of white wine. He's single again. Lock up your daughters. Yeah, he's... So, I can't remember what the other one was. It was Robinson's Lemon Barley Water. It was Robinson's Lemon Barley Water. We've then got another question from the same text.

Also, I liked his tan shoes and would like some in a size 9. Where did you get them? Well, they're size 9. Your shoes? Yeah. Well, I... Some strange Got Kwan shoe swap. Yeah, no, I...

They were free. Good for you. So I don't even know what... I haven't even looked at the make. I haven't even looked at the make. I I don't even know what brand they are. I haven't even looked at them. I think, actually, they're Ben Sherman's. Well, this chap is asking you for your shoes. Before Christmas, I got a letter here

from a guy offering to sell me his Adidas Original trainers in size 11. I'm a size 10 if Adidas Originals are listening. Wear an extra sock. I didn a size 10 if Adidas Originals are listening. Wear an extra sock! I didn't want them. You weren't going to say, no, there's no arm in asking, is there? That's how capitalism was born. Not content with being

seen drinking Robinson's Barley Water on Graham Norton, you were also you're everywhere, frankly. You were on Room 101 as well last night. Just watch Room 101. We've been tweeted by Wes. Ree Yogurt, did you not realise that Miranda Hart does the voiceover for Mullet Corner? Muller.

Muller. Oh, he says Mullet. Oh, he means Muller. Muller. Mullet Corner, I think, is an area of Berlin. He said Mullet, but of course he means Muller. So did you not know that? No, I didn't know that.

You see, that's where I need an earpiece on these shows with every listener to this show tuned in. No, that would have been a good point. I'm not very good on voiceovers. Alan Cochran sits here all day. Every advert, he just says... I've got a good ear. Chris Addison.

And then he says how much they've been paid. I don't do that. No, but you are. He's very good on the voice recognition. He is a voice recognition system. It's one of my skills. It's not that marketable, I don't think. I'm not.

He's a bit of a Siri in his own way. I'm going to play some music now, and then I'll tell you where we're going to go after that. George Harrison. Female Corner. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We're in Email Corner. Do-do-do-do-do-do.

Yeah. As the tune goes, I shall begin. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. I work in an architectural office in Leeds. Lovely. Oh, brilliant. Where the podcast can be heard regularly. Imagine that. Oh, love it.

Draftsman's contract, lovely. Yeah. Love it. Any news on the flying buttress, Dave? I'll just finish this cornice. That's what I imagine it's like up there. A little snapshot into architectural offices in Leeds it's probably more like

steady on with that pencil that's got to last till March as a regular listener to the podcast old fashioned tight fisted Yorkshireman joke tremendous there goes your New Year's resolution. There goes your non-racist New Year's resolution.

Oh yeah, that was my second one. To not do stingy jokes about Yorkshire. As a regular listener to the podcast, the Christmas break has left a big hole in our days where you have all been missed. However, imagine my delight. I don't know why they didn't put it on. No, they didn't play that. Oh, it's a podcast. They didn't put it out as a podcast. I can't know why they didn't put it on. No, they didn't play that. Oh, it's a podcast.

They didn't put it out as a podcast. I can't believe it. I've been let down. You know, it fell between two stools, the podcast. However, Imagine My Delight and Shock. There was many, many a Christmas. I fell between two stools in the 80s. And you were using the furniture for balance.

Exactly. and you're using the furniture for balance exactly imagine my delight and shock to see frank playing buttons in cinderella alongside samantha janice every year every year i wonder how frank feels about samantha surname well done thank you very much she's not called that now she she's womack samantha womack she married bobbyack. But was she Janice when you did it? She was a Janice. I wondered how Frank feels about his panto past and whether it brings good or bad memories. Well, it was... I loved doing it, I must say. It was great.

They play that a lot. I wouldn't want to necessarily do six weeks in Bournemouth or whatever. He says, would you do another? What would be your ideal part? I don't necessarily do six weeks in Bournemouth or whatever. He says, would you do another? What would be your ideal part? I don't know. And it says, what would it take to get you back in those theatrical satin trousers again? Well, it turns out you waking up at four in the morning

is what it takes, because you've popped them on today. After all that thinking about what you were going to wear, you've gone for the theatrical satin trousers. I've gone for a pantaloon. A harem pant. A panto loon. Panto loon. Very good. Lovely work. I'll tell you what I do remember about that. I was

working, Ronnie Corbett was one of the ugly sisters. Was he? Excellent. Worked with them all, hasn't he? And Lisa Tarbuck said to me, you should say to Ronnie, I hear you make your own bread, and he'll say I'll bring you a loaf in. And then he'll bring you a loaf. So I tried it, I went in the next day, I said alright, I hear you make your own bread, and he'll say, I'll bring you a loaf in, and then he'll bring you a loaf.

So I tried it, I went in the next day, I said, all right. I saw, it's Tom, actually, who's saying that you make your own bread. He said, oh, yeah, I'll bring you a loaf in. And sure enough, and he brought me one in then. And the joy of having a sandwich with bread baked by Ronnie Corbett. Oh, he genuinely did bake the bread. I thought it was some call and response guy. No, no, he does, He bakes bread as a...

He was way ahead, again, ahead of the trend he was with the baking thing. I wonder if he has a little special oven. Oh, I hope so. At just, you know, at a good level for him, at eye level. Yeah. I like that. So he...

Something about eating bread made by Ronnie Corbett. And it was white. I don't normally eat white bread. Was's short bread it was a good white please give me my propers for that joke oh sorry that was excellent thank you sorry i was just on my way to it was a good white from him it's a terrible when two jokes collide i'm terribly sorry we can sort it all out in the oh it's live oh sorry I should have been told. What about that stuff about the Yorkshireman? I want it in now.

So you're not doing Panto. You wouldn't do six weeks. No, but I wish that the BBC or someone would do a Christmas Panto or Sky or something. It was a real good laugh. We did it at Brixton Academy, which is like the coolest rock. That's a lot of it. Lenny Kravitz.

Yeah, exactly. What a place to do it. Frank, are we ready for email two? Yeah, let's do it. Dear Frank, Alan and Emily, whilst introducing my German girlfriend to Dad's Army, I noted a great credit. Awkward. And the voice of Bud Flanagan, it said. Oh, yes, and the voice of Bud Flanagan.

Bud Flanagan sings, oh, do you think you're... Is that when the horrible arrows come, which used to scare me as a child? Yeah, it's not as good as in Lord of the Rings, Voice of the Ring, Alan Howard. Oh, lovely. I know Alan Howard was a brilliant Shakespearean actor. I saw him play Richard II and Richard III.

And now he does mainly jewellery. Yeah. He's in Girl with the Pearl Earring, is he? Is he? Yeah, that's the earring. He's also in... He was in Young Victoria I watched last night. He was in that as Prince Albert.

Oh, my God! Oh, no, I hate Prince Albert albert sorry i misread that alan you will be pleased to know that i also run to the podcast and it's very kind of you to keep me company when i'm running through the munich olympic park that's nice very um she loved dad's army in case you wandered my night's move would be to invite you all out for a sausage if you're ever passing through greetings from a cold crisp munich that's andy i love munich it's a beautiful place we need some adverts now we can't just talk about the good old days this is frank skinner absolute radio new year new beginnings and not just for us three

we've had some news in re really, Friends of the Show. Friends of the Show. Let's see if we've still got that baby. Do you have to press a button for it? Yeah, I can't find it. It doesn't just happen, does it? It's not a thought process. You know, I've only just got back.

It's been a ropey old day. Friends of the Show is BFM, of course. Oh, Britain's Fattest Man. Yeah. Britain's Fattest Man isn't any more, is he? No, he's lost. We're going to start calling him BFFM, Britain's Formerly Fattest Man. He lost 46 stone.

Careless. He lost, as Oscar Wilde would say, 46 stone. That's probably about two Depardews, I reckon. The best bit in the article said that he's lost the equivalent of three heavyweight boxers, and I spent about five minutes thinking, which three? I'm going, Bruno Tyson and just Flintoff.

I went Flintoff. Oh, Flintoff. He hasn't left... We should say he hasn't been on the cabbage soup diet. He's had it surgically removed. Well, he's had a gastric band, yeah. What? Which meant his stomach shrunk to the size of an egg.

Yeah, a kinder egg. It's a Cadbury's cream egg. That's certainly a surprise. I know we might get angry emails over this but so be it i'm gonna say it i preferred him when he was fat you're shut up i know it's irresponsible chunky but funky don't you know what about the poor man's health i know but he looks so cute like a little baby with his little legs i know but he's i liked his vulnerability i little baby with his little legs. I know, but he's... I liked his vulnerability. I have to say, it was such a lovely story.

He said, he said, when I don't need the wheelchair anymore, he said, I'm going to have a proper work shed and a kiln. Is that what he said? A kiln. And I thought, that's beautiful, isn't it? This is a bloke.

This is a proper New Year story. Yeah. Because he's become a... He wants to become a jeweler yeah now and i thought for a startup i couldn't believe they hadn't done the losing stones headline jeweler loses 46 stones yeah well i mean that's a lot of money but uh it's a lovely he's he sort of said you know i'm fed up of being britain'sattest man. I want to be a jeweller. So I'm a beautiful about it. Yeah.

The only problem is, I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry to rain on his chips. But a kiln. Well, the good thing about a kiln is if the jewellery doesn't work out, it could double up as a pizza oven, couldn't it? Well, see, you need support. I'll say he does. He definitely does.

Not support. He needs a truss. He definitely does. Not support. He needs a truss. Frank, what about the bye-bye's arms? Because he hasn't got rid of the excess flesh. No. This is the problem. Where does it go, that flesh? Well, he's kept the bingo wings, but he's now much lighter.

I think he's probably capable of unassisted flight. And that's the lovely side effect of all this. Yeah, every cloud. But it would be, I think it would be brilliant if he, I think he could be mistaken for one. He did pull the tracksuit pant out, Frank, in the slimmer of the year post. He did, yeah.

But he was asked to do that, wasn't he, by the son? I bet they said, can you pull the trousers out at the front? Because you have to do that if you've lost weight. Yeah. See, I could do that on you've lost weight. Yeah. See, I could do that on my pyjamas that I got for Christmas. It doesn't mean anything, does it? Oh, gosh.

It doesn't mean that I used to be Britain's fattest man. It's just a thing that you can do. No, it doesn't mean that. Obviously, it doesn't mean that. It's just a thing you can do on tracky bottoms and pyjamas. Yeah, but, no, exactly. What he needs, he's supposed to wear his previous trousers. Oh, right. But I suppose it's been a long time since he's been in an unelasticated waist trouser.

Anyway, respect to him. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. On the subject of losing weight, I heard a fabulous losing weight story. I was working with Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen. You've worked with them all.

I have worked with them all. Ronnie Corbett to Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen. His wife apparently had a big weight loss. She lost, I don't know what it was. Oh, Jackie, yeah. Yeah, she lost two or three stone in one big diet thing. And apparently he put his arms around her and said, oh, darling, you've gone from

baroque to neoclassical oh i dream of someone saying that i'm hoping someone will do that to paul mason yeah all these ruben s goes there yeah um oh martin williams says will bffm be able to have a ruby when he fancies it in the future? Very good. A ruby? Oh. God, there isn't enough rhyming slang on this show. I've said that once, I've said it four times. Yeah? Frank, that's not the only friend of the show.

It's not. Who's been in the news. Kate Winslet. Kate Winslet. Has friend of the show. She doesn't know she's a friend of the show, but she is, and that's it. As far as we know.

Wasn't she? Someone might have mentioned it to her. Do you think so? Well, she has the same shoe size as Frank. Yeah, she does. She's a size nine. It's probably her that texted in about the brown Ben Shermans. Well, until recently, she was dating Ned Rock and Roll.

Ned Rock and Roll. And this station plays some of that, so he might well be a listener. He might pop it on his digital radio going, let's listen to Absolute in case they play some rock and roll. I don't imagine she lives the life that we're Absolute Radio features. You don't think they're lying in bed on a Saturday morning going, let's have a bit of Frank Skinner's show on. She's a big star, you know, they don't... Two Golden Globes, I don't think anyone would argue with that.

Who's the most famous person that listens to this show? I'd be happy with... Tracey, am I? Is it? Oh, yeah, of course. Hi, Trace. Haven't heard from you for a while. She's been all over the world, you know.

She's an international artist. She is. But, yeah, Ned Rock and Roll. Abel Smith, as was. That was his name, wasn't it? Abel Smith. I know, because I took my horses to him for three years before. It's a terrible mix-up.

He made a right hash of it. What do you make of him, Frank? Well, he's a good-looking lad, Ned. Anyone who makes Kate happy is fine by me.

He's got Lego hair, hasn't he? He looks like he could take his hair off in one lump. You know, like that. Yeah.

He looks like Posh Boy's jaw. Do you think he's got Lego hair? Brilliant. Posh Boy's jaw, what is that? I don got Lego hair. Brilliant. Posh Boy's jaw. What is that? I don't know.

It sort of sticks out at a slightly odd angle. Is he Posh? Oh, goodness, yes. Is he? Yeah. He's Richard Branson's nephew, isn't he? Yeah. See, I think there's a fabulous sort of bartering system going on here.

Because if you remember, she saved Richard Branson's mother from the fire. And I'm guessing as a reward, he gave her the nephew. He uses his relatives like chess pieces, Richard Branson. Terry Pratchett novel. Sacrifice piece. Yeah, so she's landed on her feet. I like that. He's a fine dowry.

He is a fine dowry. I's a fine dowry i i just you know she had the um she had mendez she had three poulton was yeah but after after the mendez thing it didn't sound like he was ian he said something like you can't have just one relationship in your life it didn't sound good and then she had the sorbet relationship with the sort of male model oh yeah oh he was lovely that cleansed the palette that cleansed the palette and male model. Oh, yeah. Oh, he was lovely. That cleansed the... You call the palate cleanser. That cleansed the palate, and now she's found love. I, for one, I love Kate Winslet.

That moment when Rafe finds, withdraws his hand in the reader, I cried like a fool. Oh. Spoiler alert. Yeah. And, um... I mean, I know she was a Nazi, but she was illiterate. Of course they didn't know then.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. A couple of texts in. Things are looking up. Yeah. One saying, hi, Frank, please help get Merlin back on TV. We need a voice. Yeah, I'm all for that.

I thought that might chime with you. I'm thinking, what about if I pioneered the sort of live show version? You know, like when Yes Minister went off air. Oh, yeah. Yes Minister went off air and then they did a stage version and now it's coming back on sort of based on the stage version. I thought I could be the Richard Wilson part, you you know the old keys the older drawn to wisdom based characters for your acting career i don't believe it no merlin is the young merlin

it'd be hard to suspend your disbelief in a sci-fi program with a guy going i don't believe it all the time yeah exactly he very much does believe apparently that guy's a dragon what yeah exactly i'd be keys to richard wilson's old advisor all these names like we know what you're talking about no one watches it other than you arthur is like the blonde i know him i know i'm thinking obviously adam ricky that's where you start with blonderactive very contemporary as well yeah and then Merlin is the young dark dazzling, I'm thinking Anthony Costa

oh is he from Blue? yeah, lovely he's been at the Ginsters though, has he? yes, yeah but that's alright, you expect a Merlin is going to a Merlin, a wizard is going

to indulge themselves a bit. Oh yeah. If you can make a pie out of thin air. If you can bathe in a cloak, you can do what they like. You have to worry about not even elasticated clothing. I mean just wide rope. You can even have really fat wrists because they have

those flared sleeves. Yes, I believe so. Perfect. Yeah, you could keep a couple of those. What's that sort of, that spicy sausage thing? Chirizzo. No, the ones that come in packets. Oh, yeah. Text in, because I know exactly what you mean. Cabanos. Oh.

No! Pepperoni. The green one, yes. Pepperoni! Oh, yeah. You've changed. Cabanos. You didn't correctly identify green one, yes. Pepper Army. Oh, yeah. You've changed. Cabanos. He didn't correctly identify a Pepper Army brand. It's Cabanos, isn't it? Walking down the aisle of a supermarket and viewing products. He's still right, Cabanos.

I met him when I was on holiday. We had one fling and I thought that was it, but he's still right. Yeah. Well, that film's based on it, isn't it? What's the film that's based on the holiday romance? This show is just turning into us not remembering things. Shirley Valentine and Pauline Collins. Now, leave it.

This is like a really rubbish version of Google. Well, you know, that's fine, isn't it? It's a bit of fun. Anyway, I am upset about Merlin. Anything I can do to get it back on, I will. But I'm pushing her. Don't hold your breath, love. Yeah.

Yeah. I need to quiz you, using your actual wisdom, not your fake wisdom for when you're playing characters. Someone's brought up my fake wisdom. Keep talking. Just keep talking. One of the in stickers. Someone's brought up my fake wisdom. Keep talking. Just keep talking, that'll often happen. One of the things I love most about you, your fake wisdom. I'm in a bit of a pickle.

We've got a jar of Piccadilly in the house already on the go. I've got that first sort of retrospective joke. Reasonably tall jar of Piccadilly. Yeah. Over the Christmas break, I've received two similarly big jars of pickle lily but fancy this is cameron's britain here's my christmas list two jars of pickle one one was in a hamper and one was uh like a homemade one that my mother-in-law bought me a place like a spicy it looks really good the other was from your agent because i got that

hamper yeah yeah but now i've got i've got a piccadilly queue and i don't i don't know what to do are you allowed to jump off the one that you already had opened because then that's got a bottleneck that's going to go for the bin in it if i if i then start on the other one why do you want to start the other one you think they're better because they look exciting i'm excited about this i wish i tell you what i. If this was a more professional radio show, underneath it, as a bed under this conversation, I'd be playing Yellow by heart. Yeah.

For all this, for the Piccadilly tour. And I've been, what I've been doing so far is just going a bit quicker on the Piccadilly that I've got already open. I tell you what, don't fall into the trap of putting a bit of extra Piccadilly on a sandwich. Because Piccadilly on a sandwich. Because Piccadilly is a fine line.

It can enhance a sandwich. Piccadilly is a fine line. You can make it a sandwich special or it can make it too sharp. Too sharp to enjoy. Yeah. Well, also I found out... And also that moment when you go, whoa, cauliflower. That could have done with another slice. That's too big to be in a jar.

There are definite foods that Pickle Lily does and does not go with. That's two of all pickles. Can I tell you what I feel like? You know when we talk about Homeland and you get angry because you can't join in? This is what I feel like. I've never eaten it, I've never tried it. You've never eaten Pickle Lily?

Oh, well, I've got half a jar you can have. I've got a whole jar. You can't have one of the brand new jars. I won't have. I'm not giving that away. But the best... Are any of your jars Fortnum & Mason's? One of them is, yeah.

Well, that I have to say, and I've eaten Piccadilly the world over. Stop showing off. And other stories by Frank Skinner. Fortnum & Mason's. And this is very... Under this, I should have fanfare for the common man. Fortnum & Mason's is without doubt

the best Piccadilly I've ever tasted. It's a work of art. I'll go on their website. So should I have a third? Yeah, I don't think you have the best for last. And don't send me any if you're listening. I can afford it. But it is... Oh, man, it's breathtaking,

but only if you put too much on the sandwich. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. If I'm not mistaken, I think we're going to head back towards the email corner. Let's do it. I don't have to do the jingle every time.

People, they get it, don't they? We'll just jog on there, shall we? Yeah. Jog on. Good morning, all. I, too, heard about this SpongeBob incident. We should explain there was an incident. Yes, in Wolverhampton.

That sounds more sinister than it is. SpongeBob SquarePants. Not him as well. Switched on the Christmas lights in Wolverhampton. And unfortunately, Health and Safety wouldn't let him climb the five stairs because they said he was too wide. I have to say, it's a criticism that's off-leveled at SpongeBob. And Anthony Costa. He is wide.

Please, leave him. I like Costa. So, yeah, he had to do it on ground level. He couldn't go on the platform. So most of the audience couldn't even see. They didn't even know he'd turned up. Yeah. It's a terrible tragedy.

Which is brutal if you've gone there hoping to see SpongeBob. Which lots of children as well. So they've got even less chance of seeing him because they're shorter, obviously, children. I've noticed that. It's one thing I've learnt about parenthood. Yeah. Well, Chantelle Kelly from Hull has emailed us.

So do I. I too heard about this SpongeBob incident. I immediately came up with a solution. Why didn't SpongeBob strip, climb the five steps, put the SpongeBob attire back on and continue with his plans? I think that's a great idea. No! They could have held up two towels like at Wimbledon when someone's changing.

Mickey can't take the head off. Pardon? Mickey can't take the head off. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I see. You know the story about the woman who's supposed to... The child was sick at Disneyland and they took her in to get a drink of water and they saw Mickey with his head off having a cigarette.

Having a fag. Oh, really? And the child was traumatised. Yeah. You can't imagine seeing Square... Child was traumatised. Should have had my childhood, hanging out with the BBC. Yeah, but at least they kept their heads on.

It doesn't mean it like that. No, it was... I remember Baggy Bird, the West Bromwich Albion mascot. Oh, yeah. There was a time where he would sit sort of row C with his head off. So he had the big

thrush body and then a tiny human head coming out of it and that didn't... You know those medieval meals where they put a nightingale inside a spatchcock? It was like that. Didn't like that at all. No. And also, apparently, Chantal says you sound like a straight Alan Carr.

A straight Alan Carr. Ooh, Lidl. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. Oh, no, it's not. I was so confident, so confident, and then I just fell flat on my face. God, give it another crack. You've had two hours to warm up, mind you.

I know, but it takes me at least four. Unfortunately, it's a three-hour show. It said on ATR, Adelaide... What is it, Territorial Radio? Is it? Is it on that now? Yeah. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You can text us on 81215. Follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. And I'm with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. Hmm. B-T-W. By the way. Very good. Very good.

So it's January. You heard way. Good. Very good. So it's January. You heard it here first. Breaking news. I wasn't saying it like it was breaking news. I love Alan's topical stuff. I like it when Alan goes a bit hard copy. So it's January. That's all I've got on that.

Yeah. As I seem to occupy a corner of this show that seems to be like the clichéd frugal guy... I can't imagine why. Frugal sharky, I call you. During my more lascivious nights out. In a Wetherspoons. No, cos you're also a bit sharky.

You don't sleep much. Yeah. But of course, all that's going to change. All that's going to change this year. Yeah. I'm going to look back on this year and think, oh, I felt really recharged. You're going to look back and think,

I wasted that. Yeah. I'm not. I was asleep when I could have been out living the life of Riley. No, it's not that. It's the wasted time that I stay up. See, what I would have done,

I would have had underneath this, I'd have had the life of Riley playing. I know. I said that. I was going to say, living La Vida Loca, Ricky Martin would have been brought in and all sorts. Yeah. It's the extra half hour that I stay up and I should go to bed. And her skin, her skin

is the colour of mocha. Can you believe that? Yeah. My point being, are you have you had a look at your life, a little audit, a stock take and picked anything that you need to get in the January sales? Have you had a look at your life, a little audit, a stock take, and picked anything that you need to get in the January sales? Have you got... No.

Have you got a thing that you've got your eye on? No, I hate sales. You hate sales? I actually hate sales. How can you hate sales? I actually hate sale. The town. What, in Greater Manchester?

Yeah. I find it depressing. I'd rather go naked than wrestle with another human being over a bit of old fabric. Well, you don't have to. Hold on. Is this the summary of a Ken Russell film? But I just think...

Was it Women in Love? Yeah, Women in Love. Was it Alan Bates and Oliver Reed wrestle naked in front of a coal fire? Oh, spoiler alert. I've not seen that either. I don't like sales. It's a bit medieval carnival. I'd rather pay 30% extra not to have to do that. And... Well, that sale's

not good enough. If I may say, Al... 75 you can get off some places. Don't take this the wrong way. Take it massively the wrong way. But I'm not surprised you like a sale, to be honest. Oh, dear. I don't know where to look. Cuts deep, doesn't it? Cuts deep. That's awful. You are to sales what Ross Abbott is to atmospheres. I would say. I do love a sale. I like it. I like a rummage. I bet there's people listening now thinking,

well, I was interested in a new beanbag. Or, you know, me and my wife, we've realised... I love a beanbag, can I say. You do love a beanbag. Yeah, I think they get a lot of stick beanbags, because they're seen as a crappy student thing. Can I say crappy something? If they get a lot of stick, they're a knapsack then, basically. Live, apparently.

They told me that earlier. But let's say you wanted an expensive beanbag that's normally £700 or something. Like one of those Buddha bags. Yeah, if you wanted one of those, you wouldn't get it in December or February, you'd buy it in January and get a few hundred quid off it, perhaps. No, no, I'd get it in July.

Oh, not you, I mean one. I mean a normal person. No, no, I'm on about a bargain. I'm like one, who are you, the Duke of Edinburgh? One. I'd get mine in July if there's local rioting. Oh, I see. I'd get it for nothing.

Get it along with your rice. Because I find the hoodies, they're not interested in the beanbags. Yeah, they're running past them. They want a nice VHS machine. Well, can I just say, for the record... Can I say, I haven't rioted for a long time. We've moved past the VHS. It's going back a bit since I've rioted.

A beanbag and the VHS It's going back a bit since I've rioted I've been back in the VHS Yeah Got a problem with that? 1980s rioting Well, like I say, I'm a bit old for rioting now I'm worried I might cop myself Here was me wanting a toaster Where you just think I could do one of those prongs to stick in bread

And hold it in front of the fire. Some bellows to keep it going. Oh, it's... This is Aegis, that's what this is. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I say, by the way, before when I said that Fortnum & Mason's pickle lily was the best,

we're not actually allowed to say that without mentioning that other pickle lilies are all available. Oh, name one, I can't. Well, the one I didn't want to name was Hayward's pickle. Oh, all right. Because Hayward's pickle lily is made by the company owned by Jack Hayward. Nick Hayward. No, it's not him. Jack Hayward put about 80 million quid into War for Hampton Wanderers,

and some people think they might have actually gone to the wall if it wasn't for him. Oh, OK. So, obviously, for me, eating that is like, in the 80s, eating South African fruit. But I remember that. I think that might be the Piccadilly that I've got on the go, as it were, already. I'll forget that. I've just got to put that in the bin. We're back on the the Piccadilly that I've got on the go, as it were, already.

I'll forget that. I've just got to put that in the bin. Back on the old Piccadilly chat, are we? I remember when Nelson Mandela came out. I watched it on the telly. I thought, I'll go and get myself some apples. I've been desperate for some of them lovely, juicy apples. It was great.

Franka, Martin has tweeted us, which is your little moniker for Alan, due to Alan's failure to be in Miranda, a good part these days is hard to find. Ouch. A pun on a good heart these days. Oh, God, I'd forgotten that song completely. What a clever muso pun.

See, I don't think it's that frugal to buy a thing you already need. Oh, here we go. Why would I buy a new toaster and kettle in March? Just FYI, if you find you're constantly defending yourself in this fashion, you probably deserve that. That's what you're after, a toaster

and a kettle. Yeah, and why not? If you've got friends getting married. A student going to university for the first time. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I should really ring Kate Winslet. She's probably got a few knocking about.

Get yourself a lava lamp, Rugal, while you're at it. There's a rumour that she didn't even... They didn't even tell their parents they were going to get married. It was so... That's right. But I suppose, again, the parents are probably thinking, well, I'd have liked to have come,

but I was at the last two, so... Oh, that is... You know... I'll come to the next one. On Lucky in Love. Hmm. I'll come to the next one. Unlucky in love. I got myself a typewriter ribbon. In the sales?

Well, kind of. It's that I went to Ryman's and for a typewriter ribbon, and they had, incredibly, they had a couple in the store room, which I think had been there for some, we'll put it this way, seven and six. Did they blow the dust off?

Yeah, exactly. But that was a bargain. Well, it's not just you and I that are interested in the sales. There was a deer in a high street in Essex. I love that story. Tim, I was really, I haven't seen any footage. Is there any footage of that deer? Oh, I've seen it.

I haven't seen footage. I've seen it on the, you? Oh, I've seen it. I haven't seen footage. I've seen it on the... You know, we love animals on the rampage. It's one of our things. It's our thing. We should have an animals on the rampage jingle. I can't believe we haven't got one of those. We've had elephants, all sorts.

It said that it knocked a woman over, or we should say was shaken, and I feel sorry for that. It would be shocking. No, she's all right now, I think. She's out of hospital. But the reason it knocked her over was it tried to jump over her.

Wow. That's terrible decision-making by the deer. Yeah. The deer's coming head down the... I mean, absolutely flat out down the high street. It says, this woman and thinks, left, right. I'm going over. I mean, it was...

It got no chance of getting over the speed of that deer oh that was the usain bolt they must have knocked the wind down yeah and also just the confusion that it would have created that saturday evening when people come back from the sales and they say deer at the sales today oh frugal i'll tell you something though my favorite bit of that frugal was that the deer damaged itself running into um a shop window oh i know like a moth like a big version of a moth that took you back to the 80s i'll tell you the um it was the antler luggage shop that was why i was doing it but the animal my god what's happening? The animal kingdom, it really struggles with windows, doesn't it? I love that.

Yes. I love that even a deer... Yeah, they have problems with it even now. They can't come up with the concept of glass under any context. You and the 80s. Yes. This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio. Frank, can we just move into Football Corner quickly?

Yeah. I'm something of a fan of that Hairbare Bunch one who plays for Everton. Oh, Fellaini. Yes, I like him. Mario Fellaini. He's a funny-looking chap, isn't he? He's got a... I love that. I've always thought if I was capable of an afro, I would grow. Mario Fellini. He's a funny-looking chap, isn't he? He's got a... I love that. I've always thought if I was capable of an Afro, I would grow one.

Would you? I'd love one of those really tight, like Jackson 5 Afros. They look brilliant. I think if you're a white man, people take it the wrong way. Well, he looks so brilliant that apparently he's had to move because he's mobbed everywhere he goes in Liverpool. He's moved to Manchester. He's mobbed everywhere he goes in Liverpool. He's moved to Manchester. He's mobbed by ladies, he claims, doesn't he?

I thought he was married to Anita Dobson. He's very interested in the stars, isn't he now? Yeah. Keen stargazer. Fellaini says, I'm living in Manchester now because in Liverpool the women were crawling for me. And he didn't add brackets, it's convenient during the transfer window. No, he didn't add that.

I'd love to sign for another club. He says, I know I am hot and I want to move forward one day. I say exactly the same of myself. I said exactly that about myself this morning. He wants to move forward. I know I am hot and I want to move forward one day. Well, if they're crawling

for you, I think you should move forward. I mean, make them a half-way, surely. Yes. But he is a forward, surely. There's only so much more forward he can go before he's right off the bat. But he needs to move. If he doesn't want to be recognised, he needs to move further than Manchester, doesn't he?

Yeah, it's not far. Surely he'll be recognised. He's a very recognisable character. Well, I think what it is is... I was going to say, when you're that hot, you know... I think what it is is... No, I don't think he's hot. I think he's about a six-foot-five Belgian with an Afro

and they're ten a penny in Manchester, whereas they're very rare in Liverpool. What he should do, he should dye his hair orange and then he should get a sort of a... I'm like Annie or something. And then get a black-and and white hooped bodysuit and just hang around by zebra crossings. Oh, nobody would even spot him.

No, it'd be fine there. I tell you what he looks a bit like. Do you remember when that woman really messed up that Jesus mural? That's kind of what came out. I don't understand this story, surely. That's what premiership football is like, isn't it, ladies? Yeah, you think. Crawling.

And also, what's that bad about a Liverpool lady crawling at you? You know, some of them are lovely. Well, I'm an honorary Scouser, so I object to that portrayal of Scouse women. Some of the Scouse women are delicious-looking. No, but I imagine where... I mean, he is a handsome fellow. I imagine wherever he went, women would...

grovel. Crawl at his feet? Yeah. He said they crawl across him. I don't know why he helps the gang. He was a bit of a silly billy, though, wasn't he, recently? Was he? He's naughty. Or wasn't he banned or something? Oh, yeah, he got a ban for a bit of elbowing. Oh, yeah, wasn't he, recently? Was he? He's naughty. Or wasn't he banned or something?

Oh, yeah, he got a ban for a bit of elbowing. Oh, yeah, but, you know, it's all part of the game, that. Oh, 70s approach. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm not done in Football Corner. You're football crazy. Football mad's me in Football Corner. You're football crazy. Football mad's me.

Football mad. Roberto Mancini, you're familiar with his work. Yeah, you always used to. Used to? He's in my, I'm going to call it my technical area top three. Really? Yes. I don't like a bovine eye.

Do you want to know who they are, Frank? He's got a bovine eye. Roberto, AVB and Alan Pardew. The top three technical area. Alan Pardew? a bovine eye do you want to know who they are frank he's got a bovine eye roberto avb and alan pardew the top three technical areas love that silver shut up no he said i'd like him he'd take you for a nice date and drop you home in a nice lexus or something good skin as well yes heated seeds he might even have a hybrid i mean that's the kind of character he is. What a character. But no, did you see... Unfortunately, he would have on the side, in massive letters, Alan Pardew drives a hybrid,

because that's how he would have got the free car. He's a bit Anorak over suit as well. They all are. Yeah, they all are. But Roberto, I didn't like that Balotelli fisticuffs. It wasn't really fisticuffs. Was it not? It's a bit of bib pulling.

They called it grappling on the news. They said there was some grappling. It's not judo or... Well, that takes me back to when the wrestling used to be on World of Sport on a Saturday, and at the end, Kent Walton used to say, OK, grapple fans. Loved it.

It was a bit undignified, though. No! Apparently it happens all the time on training grounds. Sort of spitting, it doesn't make it right. That's one of the things that annoys me. It was a bit when tramps fight, I didn't like it. It was all slow-mo and tramps fight. It was a bit of a tramps fight.

Some of the best paid tramps on earth, by the way. Yeah, but, you know, it was just a bit of togging and pushing. I disagree. Because I think Balotelli has aged Roberto. Do you think? He's aged about ten years. I think that's the stress of management. I think it's the stress of him.

Do you know what it could be? In 2012, he might not have had enough good sleeps. It probably put ten years on him. Balotelli? I feel his pain. No, Mancini, that's how he's gone on. I bet Balotelli has a few late nights. I think he does, yeah, actually.

Balotelli's a fisticap. I think he's been appropriately fined, accordingly. I also think someone's been interfering with the seam on his head. Yes. Which, in cricket, is illegal, as you know. They've raised the seam. That's what they've done, to get more movement. My favourite thing was yesterday, when they knew that there was going to be tons and tons of press coverage about it,

Balotelli turned up for training in his Bentley that has camouflage. He's got a camouflage Bentley. Brilliant. Is this his version of keeping a low profile? He's turned up in a £120,000 car that he's had printed in camouflage. That's his broken Britain car. And I think he's chosen a Bentley just because it's a little bit like Balotelli. Maybe.

People do that all the time. I've always thought that's why Tina Hobley's in Holby City. That's why I drive a Cortina. It's nearly like Cochrane, isn't it? It's not quite, but I couldn't think of any other cars. Off the top of your head, it was splendid. So Frank doesn't think this is bad. I think Roberto should call injury lawyers for you

because he had an injury in the workplace. That would be brilliant if he did that. Yes. I think that would cause it to get out of hand now. I think that what I liked about it, I don't know if you've ever read Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. I have, actually. There was an element of that.

There was the big lumbering, you know, I didn't mean to do it, boss. Oh, George. No, well, you did do it. And see how you hurt Scott Sinc, I didn't mean to do it, boss. Oh, George. No, well, you did do it. And see how you hurt Scott Sinclair, didn't I tell you? Didn't I tell you that? Oh, come on, George. A little extract there from John Steinbeck's

Of Mice and Men here on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've also been chastised for a deer mention, but no deer hunter theme music. Oh, what an opportunity. I tell you. If opportunity comes, don't knock it. You remember what the man said. That is a very, very good point.

I feel awful about that. I mean, how often do we get the chance to play the deer hunter theme? No, that wasn't a rhetorical question. Can you actually find that out? Once a week, I think. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin think. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. I have another New Year's resolution to prank you a bit more. No. It's not real. OK. Well, look, there's, you know,

there's other people looking for work. Mm. If anyone here, if anyone here isn't happy. You adopted the well look of Simon Cowell there, Frank. Well look.

There are people desperate for work at the moment, so I think we should all need to be on our toes. Are you referring to unemployed graduate Adam Pacini? I am. Paciti. Paciti. No, he didn't write Labo M. No, you're right.

It's not Pacini. Pacini's a different fella, isn't it? What's he called, Paciti? Adam Pacitti. Pacitti. No, he didn't write La Boheme. No, you're right. It's not Pacini. Pacini's a different fella, isn't it? What's he called? Adam Pacitti. Pacitti? Yeah. That's called the whole thing. For people that don't know, he spent his last £500 taking out a billboard advert saying,

give us a job, essentially. I spent my £500 on this last billboard, which is a bit like me. Every bit of money I spend, I then mention how much it's cost me to spend it. I doubt that you've spent £500 in your lifetime. I do think it's a bit vulgar to mention how much things cost, though.

Yeah, exactly. You shouldn't have brought that up. The woman that I sat next to at the football unboxing day kept saying, come on, town, this has cost me 75 quid. I was thinking, oh, but it's brilliant being your kids. And you wonder why you have these stereotypes. Exactly, yeah. That's how much it is to watch Ottersfield 10.

Yeah, for 10 people. No. It's a coffee at the Arsenal. It's not bad, is it, 500 quid for a billboard? I thought it would be more than that. In London as well. That makes a girl think. Yeah. I mean, there's all that space. Just think what I could do.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to get one. I don't like the way you went, oh, yeah. Churchill dog. Horrible. Oh, yeah. But he wants to get into telly, this guy, we should say. I'm going to spend 500 quid and it's going to be me with my arm around a grinning polar bear.

Oh, that'd be nice. One flush a day, the responsible one, with a brimming lavatory in the background. That's worth 500 quid. We could all club together and do a Doctor Who poster for Frank coming soon. We could club together and do one for this show, just a massive picture of us. Well, we'll need to.

Absolutely, I'm going to pay. I suppose you have to make the poster and all that. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I can sort that out. I know people. Okay, lovely. Well he used contacts. Have you got a collar printer? We can do it in panels, can't we? We have but it's often out of ink

so I'll speak and get back to you on that. What about the photo? Do we photocopy it then? Oh no. Does it have to be collar? No What about the photo? Do we photocopy it then? Oh, no. Does it have to be colour? No, we could do black and white. Yeah, it'd be cheap. Film noir.

Let's get a big white one and we can draw it. Well, that'd be good. I'm happy with that. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. It was lovely to be back with you. I've missed you terribly. Goodbye. Goodbye.