The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Rogon Josh

Episode Date: September 27, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank shares what hes having trouble remebering. The team discuss the departure of Jason Orange, cheese addiction and there's more overhearing tales.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with them very good friends of mine. Ramadin and Valentine. Oh no, sorry, I misread that. It's Emily Dean and Alan Cochran who was with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We've already had some tweets, Frank. Wow, straight in. What? Well, I have a picture on the Twitter, which is from Richard. He's tweeted a picture of a bookshelf in a Methodist church in Lancashire. Is it a shelfie? Well, yes, in a manner of speaking. Would you like to know what the five books on that shelf are? A Methodist church in Lancashire.

I'd say the Bible, the Book of Common Prayer. I'm struggling. Bravo 2-0. No, that's your bookshelf. All right, yeah. Shall I tell you? Is it Peyton Place by Grace Metallius? No.

OK. It's Aled, the autobiography. OK. It's Tutu, Voice of the Voiceless. OK. It's Alec Guinness, My Name Escapes Me. Oh, good. Pamela Stevenson, Brave Mouth.

And finally, Frank Skinner by Frank Skinner. Wow. Wow. There you go. Great company. Yeah. Well, not Pamela Anderson, obviously. Pamela Stevenson.

I'd strangle her in the first week. Pamela Anderson's a different person. If that was a lift we were in, I'd Strangler in the first week. Can we re-establish- With Alec Guinness- It's not- Don't, don't, Frank. For God's- I know, I know, but don't, don't kill- don't- oh, you've killed her. You've killed her. Frank, it's definitely not Brave Mouth by Pamela Anderson. Isn't it? No, it's Pamela Stevenson.

Oh, Pamela Stevenson. That's a different kind of book altogether. Yeah. Doesn't really change the anecdote. Nor should it derail you unveiling your Alec Guinness impersonation. No, exactly. I don't think I mean, for goodness sake. Well, all I can say is it's a big weekend. I clue. Mm. Eh?

Yeah. Two different tabloids, The Sun and The Mirror, today, have used the headline, I clue, because George Clooney's getting married. Oh, I see. Can you believe that two people have come up with I clue? Yeah. Well, I'm shocked. I do. I do believe that.

Do you? I do. That's what the pun's on. Oh, I see. His hair's looking good, isn't it, Clooney? Bit grey, I thought. Quite thick, isn't it? Yeah. What are you saying?

I'm just saying it's thicker than I remember it. It does sound like she's saying something. I think it's always been thick, hasn't it? That's one of the things I was respecting about gorgeous George. I'll show you some photos later. I hope he says, I clue, today. What if he says, I clue? If he's read the papers.

Hold on a minute. What did you say? I said, I do. No, you didn't. What did you say? Well, I said I clue, but I was just a kid. What, can you not mess about? I know you're sort of that slightly funny Hollywood one, but you know, this is quite a serious ceremony. Sorry. I've just got a coffee. Or a free coffee machine. No. I like the idea of the vicar saying this is quite a sort of serious ceremony. Yeah, when he won't be a proper vicar, let's face it, there'll be some showbiz.

I've just written down Alec Guinness, George Clooney. I thought I'd give a tally of who you impersonate during the show. I'll go on to my hair in the mouth update, for those of you who worry about it. I had another one this morning. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's two hairs in my mouth in a week oh no

annoying I got this one a treat I could see it in the mirror chewing gum? I didn't need it I could see it I tell you what it's great it's great when it comes out the actual feeling of a hair leaving the mouth

why do you always get this? I've never had this really? I think it's when I sort of do a hair leaving the mouth. Why do you always get this? I've never had this. Really? I think it's when I sort of do my hair in the morning. I don't comb. Do you? I don't comb, I tousle. Okay. And I think the tousling process brings down quite a bit of, let's call them windfall fruit.

Okay. And some of them, as I'm, you know, I'm singing and stuff, I suppose some of them are drawn in by my in-breaths. That's what I imagine the process is. I mean as I'm singing and stuff, I suppose some of them are drawn in by my in-breaths. That's what I imagine the process is. I mean, I'm guessing. But it's great. I remember pulling one out of a Staffordshire Bull Terrier once, and he looked around at me in...

Maybe I meant to tell this anecdote after I'd pressed the music thing. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've had a traumatic week, I have to tell you. Oh, dear. I was... I was... Someone broke into my life and occupied it.

Oh. Was this an episode of Doctor Who or something? Yes, what happened was I discovered through no fault of my own that U2's new album, Songs of Innocence, would appear on my iPhone. And get me started. On my iTunes music.

Now, I don't have, you know, I'm not, I don't law for YouTube, I know many people do, and I respect their opinions, we're all different. We're all God's children. But, you know, if I was to send one of those people, let's say, well, let's say the Jack Thackeray box set.

Yeah. Or, you know, a selection of Formby. Or in my case, Wigfield. Yeah. Yeah, exactly know, a selection of Formby. Or in my case, Wickfield. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. They wouldn't be happy about it. And I'm not, I'm not by any means a technophobe, but I really, I knew there was a thing you could click to get rid of this.

It just appears. It's there on my iTunes. We've all got it. Have you got it, Al? I don't know. You must have it. Oh, I've got it. I don't have to have it. I've got it. Tell me what I've got. You have got it. Tell me what. You've got it. You have got it. Have you got it, Al? I don't know. You must have it. It's there. Oh, I've got it. I don't have to have it. I've got it.

Tell me what I've got. You have got it. Tell me what. You've got it. Oh, I've got it. Hang on, if we're talking about me having it, then I've got it. But if we're still talking about this U2 album, I haven't got it. You've got it.

We've all got it. I know I've got it, but I haven't got the U2 album. It's the musical Ebola. I've got something, but I haven't got the U2 album. And it makes a mockery of the shuffle. Hey, I'm not... What if you've got company and that comes on? I don't do the updates, though, so I've probably not got it, actually.

I don't think they did the shuffle, did they? The updates. This is like a conversation in an old people's home. I'm just warming up for that. I'm looking forward to that. Get the chairs in a circle around the telly. I can't bear that, cos then we'll have to watch Corrie. I don't... Why don't their mouths dry out?

Hang! Anyway, so I couldn't... So suddenly I've got a U2 album on, and as I say, full respect to their fans and their work, but I don't want that in my life. You don't want it? I don't want it. I just don't want it.

Also, Songs of Innocence, you know, if you take that from a William Blake point of view, there's the threat of a sequel as well for the Songs of Experience. Oh. I mean, you know, once you let them in... Is that going to be iOS 10? I think Nicholas... What's he called? Farage. Yeah, Farage. I can't remember his first name. I've got, what's he called? Farage. Yeah, Farage.

I can't remember his first name. I've got his business card. Have you? Yeah, he gave it to me once. She sure has. I really have. Horrible card. Is it red, white and blue?

No, it's just a cheap font. Anyway, so I was already trying to clear space, as it was for a software update this week. I was, oh man, I was already trying to clear space, as it was for a software update this week. I was, oh man, I was deleting emails like Jimmy Carr's accountant when the doorbell goes. But I couldn't shift it. I honestly couldn't. I went to the place where you're supposed to click the U2 thing to get rid of it, and I clicked it, and it said,

no, no, this won't work, now you have to do it manually. Oh. It was a... Oh, dear. I'm calling it a band grenade. It just landed in my life. Frank, there should be a reciprocal arrangement now. We should be allowed to send songs to them of our choice.

Yeah. They've done it to us. Yeah. But you know what I did in the end? What? I went into a complete panic the only way i could finally get rid of it was to delete all my music on itunes so i i i wiped the whole lot oh no you look pleased about it why are you happy about that i like i like the inconvenient i don't know much about technology

but i feel confident you didn't have to do that. In the end, though, I couldn't... I think it might have been somewhat rash. I kept thinking that's got rid of it, and I'd go back, and there it was, still staying, with its dull black and white cover. And that's what I did. So I've lost all the music I love in order to do that.

But have you got stuff to listen to? No, I've nothing to listen to now. I'd rather listen to silence. Last time you were listening to lectures about Catholicism, weren't you? Yeah, well, you didn't mention me about that. Oh, no, they're all gone. Oh, no, no, they're not on iTunes. I wouldn't have deleted that.

Oh, you do surprise me there's no call for them on iTunes. No, I'm currently listening to a selection of Wild West short stories, if you really want to know. Lovely. Did you want to know? Yeah, I did. And, of course, the various Doctor Who podcasts.

Oh, that monologue that Trev did this week about the new series, I found actually quite moving. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I just said of you two, I can't imagine you two having fans. Yeah, I don't think that's true. And you both laughed.

Well, I think they've got lots. Please allow me to elaborate. What I'm saying is I can't imagine anyone getting as passionate as they would do about, say, Kate Bush or something like that. Or indeed the fourth. No, they're just there. Okay. If there's any U2 fans listening, don't text in.

Don't listen. No, do listen. We play a lot of U2 on here. Okay. Can I just say that so far, every time anybody has said U2, I've thought that they were meaning the other two people in the conversation, so it's been very confusing for me. As in, if I have to stop the car, you two are going to be in trouble.

Yeah. Yeah. As in when you said, I want you two off my phone. I was thinking, what have Emily and I done? Well, we'll soon find out. I'll tell you what I haven't done. And it just struck me this week. I was walking down the road and someone, well, I don't know quite what they did. I'd say that they

they beeped their horn on their car. I'd say popped. What did you say? Popped. Popped. You see, I worried it with this. I also say bibbed. Bibbed? Yeah, bibbed. Are you alright with bibbed?

I would have gone with beeped. I'm alright with anything, darling. Pip, pip to their horn, I'd say. Honked? I never say honbed. Bibbed? Yeah, bibbed. Are you all right with bibbed? I would have gone with beeped. I'm all right with anything, darling. Pipped, that horn, I'd say. Honked? I never say honked. You wouldn't say honked. I'd accept that, but I never say, I say beeped, bibbed, peeped. Honked is a bit clown car, but I like it. Is this going to be, is this texting? Well, I'd love to know. I mean, have you ever said sounded? Sounded. And I sounded my horn? No, I've never said that. But people do. That is a technical term. Oh, I'm walking down the road and this fellow sounded his horn. But no.

But what this person did is he hit the horn and somebody turned around and went, oh, all right, one of those. All right. He'd seen a friend in the street. Nice. It struck me I've never done that in my life i mean i've seen a friend in the street but i wouldn't you've never been never popped i wouldn't be on the strength of it no absolutely not it felt like a real lovely warm

community thing to do which is obviously why i've never done it and it's also not in the highway code that you just beat willy-nilly at pals. You know, it's meant to be a warning sound for a vehicle. You're not supposed to beep when you're stationary. I don't think this person was stationary. All right, that's fine. And is it after ten o'clock at night in a...

In a built-up area. I love the idea of a built-up area. Yeah, so, um... Can I ask, did this character pull over? No. Well, this is what I have a problem with. He slowed a little. He did the hand gesture.

He slowed? The other guy, I think, shouted something, sort of. You know that sort of people thing, like, Whoa, you're a... One of those things that people say when they don't have anything to say. But it looked lovely and I felt like an outsider, as I sometimes do. Mm-hmm. I felt like a...

You want to get in on that? I do it all the time. Do you? All the time. I'm always beeping, but I have got a novelty horn that goes... B-b-b-b-b- done it from here. I think I've once done it as if I was driving away from my mum's. If my brothers were still in there, I might go, just thinking, this isn't really me.

Do you ever do that? That one. No, because it's not 1974. Sorry, I forgot. I really thought it was 1974. Tooted. People have started suggesting Tooted. Tooted, yeah, but it's good, but it's not right. It's good, but I wouldn't say tooted.

I would accept tooted. If I see someone... That seems to be on you, catchphrase. I wouldn't say it, but I'll accept it. Exactly. If I see someone I know on the street, though, if they're in the car, for example... If they're in the car.

Yeah, and I'm walking down the street, please don't toot me. Ever. Really? I don't like that element of social surprise. I like to pre-plan my encounters. I mean, I love you both dearly, but if I saw either of you on the street and I wasn't anticipating it,

I would cut you dead. Oh. Really? I can't. I can't. I don't like it. And then the person pulls over and you feel you have to chat.

It's horrible. Yeah, I don't like that bit. They're not supposed to pull over. They're supposed to just wife and move on. That's curb crawling, you're talking about. I got completely mixed up. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Can I just say that during that

last song, I checked my iPhone and I do not have U2's album. You said you will. You said you will. They were your words. You will have it. It's on there somewhere. It's not on there. Why is it always me? All right, Mario.

I think it's because you've pressed an update button or you've got a more modern phone. You're being penalised as an early adopter. And I have not done these updates. Well, in that case, I'm being penalised as well. Have you got it too? I haven't got the new new. Well, the new one is the one that bends when you put it in your bum pocket

and sit on it for a day or two, isn't it? The iPhone 6. Is that what it's called? It's quite fancy, that. I like the idea of a phone that hogs my jawline. Yeah. Why don't they just make it a feature line? Remember, this is going back some,

when people used to hold a phone against their shoulder, whoops, with their ear. Isn't that... I think people still do that, don't they, with a landline. Do you remember landlines? Oh, landlines. I think we've got one somewhere. I hear a ringing.

Do you get that? With a landline, I hear a ringing. I think that'll be the PPI man. Frantic. Frantic. And I just haven't called back. Yeah. Yeah, that's what the landline's for now, isn't it?

It's pretty gory. It is. I don't give anyone my landline number. The people who have it, I can't imagine where they've got it from. I don't know. I've no idea what it is. Do you have to check it if you were to give it to someone? I get to the point now.

You know the thing about not being able to find your mobile. You know, I'm walking around that long walk around the house where there's my phone. Can you call it? Can you call my phone? That one. I can't find my landline. This is an age thing, isn't it? Someone asked me for a cheque this week. Oh my goodness.

Having a laugh. No. Was it for their tax disc that'll be obsolete soon they're going extraordinary they're going tax discs it's all going it's all going this is starting to sound like past times fm i like it gloria hannifin presents this new this bendy phone yeah i saw some characters queuing for it oh goodness, goodness. They were standing. I was going to buy a new computer. Hmm. These characters were all standing behind a rope, which I thought was rather tragic.

No, I can understand the lure of new technology. Oh, I see, I don't. I like to hold off a bit. Yeah, let them get it fixed first. I'm not an early adopter, I'm afraid. OK. They can fix it. By the time I get one of these bendy phones,

it'll be like a design feature and you'll be able to move it around like Blu-Tack and you can have it sort of going from your shoulder to your ear, solid, and then you can bend it around your neck if you want, if you want to go jogging. It'll be amazing by the time I get an iPhone 6. OK. Because I'm a late adopter, I can improve it. This is what I've done with parenthood.

Yeah. I've let other people make the mistakes and I've learned from it. You know, Marvin Gaye's dad. All that kind of... LAUGHTER Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I just saw we were just on the telly then. We just saw the ghost in the... You know, there's a ghost footage. There's a police station ghost. Yeah, a police station ghost. It looked like one of those old cricket umpires with a big white mackerel just going across,

just moving from a square leg to behind the stuff. I like that they're doing analysis of the ghost on Sky News currently. It's kind of... It has given me a slight shiver, though. It's just cold in here. I'm not very keen on the whole ghost phenomenon. Phenomenon?

Yeah. You know, we were talking about early adopters and that phone business, the bendy phone. The phone business, yeah. I remember the best example that I've ever seen of someone who refused to be an early adopter, which was when we stayed at a house in Edinburgh during the festival when I was younger.

And instead of a tumble dryer, they had a mangle. Nice. Yes, outdoors. Do you know, we used that mangle and we liked it. My mum had a mangle for years. Did she? I think it was a feeling that it kept you fitter. Yeah.

Is that right? Yeah, I don't know if that's why she had it, but yeah. I like a mangle. I'm going to she had it but um yeah like a mangle i'm gonna make a note of that get a mangle the toothbrush i adopted um quite late about 14 i'd say first time i used that's serious that's not serious it is serious god why didn't you do it any earlier it wasn't really a it wasn't a theme in our house. Well, my mum and dad both had false teeth. In those days, people couldn't wait to have false teeth. It was like something to look forward to.

I didn't know anyone over 40 that didn't have false teeth. My sister-in-law had all those out when she was 26. They were perfectly healthy teeth. She just got fed up of... I mean, they're a bit of a Palaver teeth Yeah it's like me wishing for baldness I'd be happy with it

Be careful what you wish for Honestly Be careful what you wish for I clue I will tell you Now I was going to tell now I was going to tell you something that happened to me this week where I couldn't remember something for ages

oh yeah you know I have this fanatical thing that you can't google something that you can't remember you can only google what you don't know you have to make your brain remember well I did that this week for about two hours and I did it this week for about two hours, and I did it.

Good. I've got to be completely straight with you. I can't remember now what I couldn't remember. It's absolutely true. Which has slightly spoilt the whole thing. Well, we can imagine your joy, because we saw you remember the word stylus. That's a tragically pathetic, broken, like a broken mouth.

I have a couple, do you have things that you can never remember? I have things that are recurring things I can't remember. Like, I can never, I've got, I've worked out a method for doing these now, but the two that I could never remember was, I could never

remember Russell Crowe's name. Right. And I could never remember was... I could never remember Russell Crowe's name. Right. And I could never remember the film... the title of the film, Fatal Attraction. Oh, really? And I've only... I can remember that I had to come up with a method and I thought F-A for Fatal Attraction and R-C for...

Mm-hm. Did you call... Hold on, I've actually forgotten what it's called. Russell Crowe. No, it's Russell Grant. Russell Crabb. So I basically put the initials of two of my favourite organisations. The Football Association and Roman Catholics.

Yeah, and that's got me through it. But I'm interested. Not being able to remember them ever. I wonder if any of our readers have got things that they can never remember. This will be a challenging text. Think about it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a few texts about people not being able to remember things. But even while we were listening to music then, our producer Daisy said that Christian Bale was one of her... It's like a memory blind spot. Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. MBS. Memory blind spot. Good. Ray in Bexley has texted,

Guys, I can never remember my own mobile phone number. No one knows that, do they? Well, I can see he's on this screen here. I could read it to him if it... No, you'd better not read it. Should I? No, but I could help him out there. It makes me feel like I'm...

Just a clue. It ends in 869, Ray. And someone sent us a little joke joke, which I like. I mean, the rest of them have been patient. It's been nearly an hour. Dear Steve, Pete and Alice, my memory's great. I never forget anyone's names of people on the radio. Very good.

Very good. I have... anyone's names of people on the radio. Very good. Very good. I have... That's Dave from Harold Hill. Josh Groban. Oh, yeah. Who you've appeared on a chat show with, may I add. Yes. I've worked with them all, though, haven't I?

So it's hard to remember all of them. This is true. I always... I always have a tendency to call him, the first time he's mentioned, Rogan Josh. Oh, yeah. But people think, ha-ha-ha, that call him, the first time he's mentioned, Rogan Josh. Oh, yeah. But people think,

ha ha ha, that's him messing about, but that's where my brain goes first. Oh, that's that Rogan Josh bloke. Yeah. So that's difficult. Please don't ever say that to him. And I also get him mixed up with the guy who played Green Hornet. What's he called?

Oh, James Franco? No. No, it sounds like Josh. Is there a Josh or a... I don't know, but this isn't the best radio we've ever done. No. What is the best radio we've ever done? I can't remember that either. Hi, Franco. I can never remember Elvis

Costello's name. I always want to call him Oliver Cromwell from Sue. You see, that's come from, he had a song called Oliver's Army. That's method in a madness. I think it's alright to call him Oliver Cromwell. Call him what you want as long as you call him. That's it. I heard

Ian Paisley, when he was still alive, they asked him what his favourite film was and he said, I've only ever been to the cinema once in my life. And they said, what did you see? I said, I've only ever been to the cinema once in my life. And they said, what did you see? I said, Cromwell! That was it. That's the end of that conversation. Hang on.

Ian Paisley? Do you want to hear my Frank Brunner? Put it on the list. Frank Brunner has my work in progress. Do you know what I mean, Harry? What? That's terrible. I always start with the words. Start with the words. Start with the words. Oh, really? The voice.

Start with your own voice. You are aware of that. When I say I'm beginning. Do you know what I mean, Harry? I'll keep you updated on that one. We've got quite a long way to go. I'm going to put it on the list. I'm going to put it on the list. Get the words first.

It's like, you know, it's like doing Shakespeare. You get the words first and then you colour in the... Can I tell you something more awful? I'll the uh can i tell you something more for effort pam netherton has tweeted us to say this morning uh i'm afraid my husband couldn't remember your name so there you go well it's only a matter of time pen before me and him are in the same boat and i can't remember my name either let's face it hey But who's the green ornate bloke? Grosh? Josh? Nosh? Not Nosh. Posh? No. Nosh.

Nosh Appel? No, it's not him. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Talking about memory this morning on Absolute Radio. Yeah, and you nearly forgot what station it was there. I just, yeah, I'm worried now. Maybe this is the beginning. Well, maybe we can answer a few of your questions green hornet was seth rogan says tom from london yes yes this sounds like the end bit um when on uh mastermind oh yes yeah they're telling them what the answer is you passed on three yes it was seth rogan and i was supposed to go, oh.

Of course it was. But what I liked is that Daisy, with great confidence, said it was Josh Rogen. Josh Rogen, who played the Green Hornet. And we said no, it wasn't. After I'd said the Rogen-Josh thing. She got quite,

I'm going to call it angry. Yeah, angry. Seth Rogen. Oh, I must say, I love Seth Rogen. Oh, I. And I love, no, but I don't really like films.

But I love that film. Do you like him more than Jesse Eisenberg? Who's your other one? I like Jesse Eisenberg in a different way. What do you mean? I don't think we should pry. He's my guy crush, Jesse Eisenberg. Is he?

Oh, yeah, big time. Is that right? Who's yours, Al? Um, hang on. So many to choose from. Exactly. All men. I've got a new one.

All men. Yeah, there are all men. You've got a new gay crush. Who is it? Al-Malala Al-Adeen, or whatever her name is. Oh, yeah. Who's marrying George Clooney. Yeah, George Clooney's one of mine.

Oh, no, I don't. I don't. Like, she's got hot hair. That's what Kath always says. Oh, no, I bet that's hot, having that hair. Hmm. She ticks a lot of boxes, let's be honest. I'm not so crazy about the Latino.

They always like, you know, Penelope Cruz and all. That doesn't work for me. Gosling. No, you're more of his own. I like Gosling, but not with Latino women particularly. I like Gosling generally. On the subject of memory, someone somewhat seriously answering. 137 has texted,

Good morning, team team scrabble is a very good game to keep the brain active this will help with remembering things okay somewhat missing the point you're not alone for us i don't have any friends is there a computer scrabble where you can play a machine i believe i'm not even going to read this email out but i'll just say the subject line is forgot wife's name. I like it. That sounds very much like one of our listeners. I like it. Oh, I really want to know what's in it now.

Is it two? Let me read it first. Okay. While we discuss other matters. Okay. Can you read and discuss at the same time? It's right what they say about you girls and the multitasking. It is.

Can I say, by the way, if there's any Latino women list, I don't mean that I don't like Latino women. I mean that if I had to do a league table of the types of women, I would go for... I feel tense now. If you had to do a league table of the types of women, Frank, I'd say the lead singer of Rockset was at the top, let's be honest. The lead singer of Rockset. Annie Lennox in 1984.

Basically men. Women who look like men. I'd say if you've got... Oh, women who look like men I'd say if you've got Oh women who look like men That's what I go for Women who look like men Although you have ended up with someone Who looks very much like a woman

Should I be writing down Bing Crosby now? Thank the Lord You can't, I mean One has a checklist for conversation But in the real world It's got to help who you fall in love with The heart dictates. Beautiful. That's what I said to

Vince Cable. You're listening to Absolute Romance here. Absolute Romance would be not a bad channel to work on. Just love songs. Just play love songs, which is basically more or less every song except the four. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was wondering if we should perhaps discuss music. Well, to live without my music would be impossible to do. Boy band news. Jason Orange, he's done one. He's gone. He's out of it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There could be people who don't know about this and you just come straight out with it. When they split up, wasn't there a helpline and stuff when they first split up? Yeah, but in fairness, they were 24 then. 50 wasn't knocking and she's getting loud at her. Yeah, times are a-changing. Jase. Yeah, he's gone.

Is he in relation to William of? 50's knocking on my door and getting loud, aren't they? I'm going to have to let her out. Is he in relation to William of Orange? Yeah, I just wondered. He might be if he goes back far enough. I hope not. I think his family were Mormons, weren't they, the Oranges?

Oh. Is that true? Yeah. Is it? That's what it said in the paper this week. Oh. You seem shocked. I didn't know.

William of Orange was, well, anyway, let's not get into theology at this stage. I was a bit confused by this initially. I've been confused since 85, 86. Well, I didn't really know they were still going. I thought Gary Barlow was just a sort of law unto himself. He's a lawman or something, isn't he? Well, he's certainly a law unto himself. He certainly is.

Well, I don't know. I mean, not only have they been going now, but they say, what I like about this is the announcement that he was leaving was coupled with the announcement that they're going to continue as a trio. It's like trying to kill Rasputin. It is.

It's like a snake. You just keep cutting them up and they keep on living. What about when they thanked him for his energy and belief? Oh, that's insulting, isn't it? Did they thank him for that? Well, he's a singer. If someone thanked me for my energy and belief, I'd end my life. What they should really have said is, in the background,

he did some good locking and popping, because he's all right dancing. He was a breakdancing guy. Why was he? He didn't... To be fair, they could have swapped him with Peter Crouch and half of the people wouldn't have noticed, would they? One thing I read that I didn't know, I always thought when Peter Crouch, they could have swapped him with Peter Crouch and half of the people wouldn't have noticed, would they? One thing I read that I didn't know, I always thought when Peter Crouch,

they said he was one of the dirtiest players in the World Cup. He fouled a lot. I always thought that if you were in a corner and Peter Crouch went up with you, you know, he's all elbows and stuff, it'd be like somebody throwing a bike at you. You know, the idea of someone throwing a bike, you wouldn't know what to hold on to

because everything's spiky and sharp and a bit oily and stuff. That's what I imagine that would be like. Anyway, that's a different debate altogether. So, the little one, he's still in it, isn't he? Mark Owen. Well, he's not going anywhere. No. He knows which side his bread's busted, that little one.

I didn't know that Jason Orange didn't get a lead vocal for the first 17 years of the band or something. He was mainly a breakdancing background guy then. But now he's had a vocal. They could have found out that he'd left in the 90s. He said he wanted to avoid the spotlight and then on the day he made the announcement he was pictured out wearing a bowler hat,

which I thought was an interesting outfit and a beard to distract fans apparently even though he's been photographed in a beard many times over that 20 year period orange has gone chaplain it's uh i don't know i mean i wouldn't i think it didn't i upset you once daisy that daisy was going to see take that out to the o2 no it was... Didn't I upset you once, Daisy, that Daisy was going to see Take That? To the O2. No, it was Emma. Oh, that's Orcs. Oh, was it Emma?

No, it was Daisy. It was Daisy. Yeah, you got it wrong. I got it right. OK. And I said I wouldn't go and see Take That if they were playing in my kitchen. And she took it quite badly, if I remember rightly. But it's great. You know, we all like different things as i was saying about you too and one thing about take that

they've never broken into my iphone true yeah but i've told you that little one's not going anywhere i like um you've told me that for years absolute absolute radio frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've seen Jason Orange on a train once, by the way. Have you? He smiled at my wife. He's gorgeous. Was it a Wednesday? I think it was a Saturday.

OK. Just a guess. Very good looking, man. Is he? Very good looking. You know, I've got to be completely honest. Was he wearing a bowler hat? No, he had no bowler hat.

Oh, good. I thought he was... I realised when I saw pictures of him that I thought he was Mark Owen. Oh, did you? That's the little one, I've told you. Yeah, I've got them all mixed up. No, Jason Orange is actually a thinker. That's what it says in the paper, in the article.

What does that say in the sun? It said, Jason hated being in the band the first time. He genuinely likes going off travelling around the world with a backpack, being anonymous, and fancies himself as a thinker. Oh, he sounds quite nice. He's great, isn't he? I thought he was so good-looking that he was incapable of complex thought, but actually, he's a deep thinker.

I fancy him even more now. I've never really forgiven the British public for taking that. Why? Well, I think one can make a mistake once, but to make it twice seems to me to be unforgivable. You know, they had their moment at many times now, hadn't they? I just think they represent sort of anti-music, if you know what I mean. And uncle music.

I don't think they like... Yeah, very, very uncle music. I don't feel that they like music. Aren't they a band that hates music? Do you think so? Yeah. I thought you'd spent a night with Robbie Williams where you knew lots about music. But Robbie Williams got out fast, didn't he? Well, wow.

He used that as a springboard. He also got out when people cared. That's what you've got to do. I think he, yeah, he definitely, he was singing like old soul classics and stuff. Yeah. I imagine if you said to Gary Barlow, sing us a song, he'd have to do or take that.

Yeah. I don't imagine he doesn't know any songs by anyone else. No. I'm guessing. Probably right. Can't be wrong. He might be, you know. But the three that are left in Take That

are the three that were accused in the papers of tax avoidance. Do you think he walked on moral grounds? I think Gary Barlow is like some kind of Lance Armstrong figure. If you don't join, then you're out. He forces you out. Maybe that's right. I mean, they've lost Jason Orring, Jan Robbie Williams. It's the first time that Gary Barlow's lost 40% of anything.

That'll be in the Telegraph Top 100 jokes next week. Can I, yeah, accredited to Milton Berle. Oscar Wilde, yeah. I gotta say, if there's any Take That fans listening, it's fine. I think that... Who would you... It's good that we all like different things.

I, and I know this is very unfashionable... Well, exactly. You certainly like different things. I really, really still like salt. Oh, yeah. It's got, I mean, you're not supposed to like it anymore. People don't put it on their meals. Hey, here's a little tip, Frank.

If you like salt, have you tried butter? Ah, lovely. That's why food a little tip, Frank. If you like salt, have you tried butter? Ah, lovely. That's why food tastes so nice in restaurants. Yeah. Because of the butter. I will still put my finger in salt and just have salt off my finger. You won't. I will, yeah. Do you know that's a little trick? Because your dad

used to keep the salt in the pocket, didn't he? If an attacker came up to you. He did. Yeah. And he always used to say, don't make, do it as a gesture. Say, well, okay, I'll just get me money. Whoa! And then it's in their eyes. So he's got to make sure they've got their eyes open.

Is anyone listening? I'm not recommending this as a thing to do. It was an emergency measure. I think it's a great idea, though. If you're in Halston or something, it might not work. Why? Well, just because people,

salt doesn't tend to be a very good weapon. Well, you say that. Have you ever had salt thrown in your eyes? I have, actually. Oh, weird. Weirder. Let's try it during this break. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Something we haven't discussed this morning,

and we have had a couple of tweets about him. Idiomi? No, close. Kim Jong-un. Ah, Kim Jong-un uh borderline friend of the show is he ill well uh he was missing uh presumed gout ridden oh very painful i've been told gout yeah yeah but it's turned out now it's emerging, that it's a cheese addiction. Genuinely. Do you mean like disco music or... No. Gorgonzola and Stilton.

He loves cheese. Wow. He just can't quit it. Does it say anything about what specific cheeses he enjoys? Is there anything about... Derry Lee. He likes those. He leads a box in...

I don't think you could get gout from Derry Lee. I'll bet you couldn't. If you ate enough of it, you could get gout from Derry Lee. I'll bet you couldn't. If you ate enough of it, you could get gout from anything. Is that right? No, I don't know. Don't quote me on that. I really thought that was a medical fact. I don't want to read that in the Quotes of the Week column in The Lancet.

Yeah. It says, I mean, this is in The Daily Star, he's suffering with a condition, and it has that, in quotation marks, as a result of his cheese binge. He went on a mad cheese binge. I must say, if I was a dictator, I would be... Do you ever have that...

Emmental, Frank. Do you ever have that thought that when you think, what would happen if I just ate absolutely anything I wanted to eat and had no restraints whatsoever. Yeah. How long before, you know... Before you got unwell. Unwell and obese.

But if you're... No-one's going to tell Kim Jong-un, maybe you've had enough caffili for one night, Kim Jong-un. Kill him! You can't, you know what I mean? That's that. In fact, if I was in a relationship with Kim Jong-un...

We all are. I would tell him. Would you? And I think he'd respect me for it. Because you care. Yeah. Yeah. He might set fire to me and throw me out the window, or he might respect me.

Was it genuinely Emmental that he's into? It was Emmental, yeah. I can exclusively reveal. That's okay. That's a holy cheese, isn't it? I don't mean ecclesiastically, I mean it's got holes in it. That's it, okay. Isn't it? I don't mean ecclesiastically, I mean it's got holes in it. That's it, okay. Isn't it? Yeah, as has his, um, policies. Yeah.

Right? You know what I'm saying? Well, apparently North Koreans think it's, uh... Oh, sorry, I find satire exhausting. I'm going to have to sit out. I'm going to have to sit out. You guys carry on. And we'll talk. Phew.

Save those little ones for have I got news for you. Okay. Um, North Koreans think have I got news for you. Okay. North Koreans think being fat is good. Apparently. I'm not saying it's bad. No. But building it on cheese is probably a dangerous thing to do, I would have thought.

I mean, he must have mice throwing themselves at his bedroom windows. If there's any mice left out there, I imagine they've long been cooked and eaten. Yeah. Difficult times for NK. We wish him well, though. NK.

Our thoughts are with him. Do we wish him well? I do. My thoughts with his family. If there's any of them left. Yeah, he... His uncle, he fell out with his uncle. Do you remember that?

He did, yeah. Fed him to the dogs, apparently, didn't he? Yeah, they had to. Oh, they had a terrible row. His uncle dropped a carton of boar song. Yeah, that's right. And it all went off. Fisticuffs over the E-dam.

Oh, God, it all went off. Fisticuffs over the E-dam is one of my favourite Beryl Bay and Bridget Norfolk. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I need to share some news with you boys. What's going on? Well, I've gone flat. Now, I know you may be familiar with my obsession with the higher heel.

Oh, are you talking about your shoes? Yes, I'm talking about my shoes. Don't worry, everything's still intact. OK. I'm the sort of Eddie Izzard of North London in many ways on the heels front. I like a Cuban. I like at least two inches. I think of you, yes, I think of you in a heel, I must say. I think of you, yes, I think of you in a heel, I must say. But in a shocking twist of events, I've started to embrace the flat shoe.

Are you talking about, though, I mean, like, to come in here, but not, if you went to a do... Suggesting I don't make an effort for you boys. No, but you do make an effort, but I mean, if you went to, let's say, the FHM Style Awards, would you go in there? FHM? Isn't that what they're called? No, yeah, it's just... It's funny that you picked a man's magazine for the Style Awards. Which I don't believe exists anymore. Okay, well, I have to pluck something from the ether.

What about the InStyle? Exactly. Okay, yes. An InStyle event. Would you wear flats then? You should say that. Would you? Because I

went to my first function with flat shoes. No way. Yes. Daisy gasped. You're right to. I bet you're on the limbo. Yeah. I saw an awful lot of nostril hair. Oh yes, that's

the thing. Because you were lower down. Your vantage point is lower. Yes, and now I know how that little one feels and take that. But, yes, that's the thing. And now I know how that... Because you were lower down. Your vantage point is lower. Yes, and now I know how that little one feels and take that. But, you know, I liked it. I felt slightly, for a number of reasons. I mean, in fairness, I was going to a launch of a book about flat shoes.

Oh, well, it was a gimmick. No, it wasn't a gimmick. It's a good title, On Brogue. That's like going to a Doctor Who convention as Peter Purvis. It's a completely different theory. Would you go, if I said to you, oh, well, there's a premiere this week,

the new Rogue and Josh film is out. Would you like to come with me? You wouldn't turn up in flats, would you? Depends on the height of who I was going with, because this is what I've worked out. What if it was me? I'm 5'10". No, I'd be all right with you.

OK, with the cockerel? You'd need heels. No, sorry, it's gone Peter Crouch with the cockerel. Ouch. Peter, ouch. But I just... What worries me... That'll be the headline when his marriage breaks up. Peter out. I chew.

No, I rue. No, I clue. Sorry. I chew would be if Jimmy Choo gets married. Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. Well, in the modern age, it could happen, of course. Good point. No, I think I'm finding with, in general with shoes,

I just find the heel can be a bit what I call apprentice candidate. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I know what you mean. A bit déclassé. May I request some information? The heel is chic. Even Victoria Beckham's wearing a flat now. Really?

Yes, she's gone brogue. And I've also decided I can look a bit Dick Emery in a heel. And I feel my short stature might be a unique selling point. Yes. I don't wish to be average. I'm going to flaunt it now. Yeah, well, it didn't harm Louisa M. Olcott. Yeah.

Little women. Yeah, thanks very much. I liked hearing you work that out. There was a gap I couldn't live with. I thought I was going to go off air. I thought I was going to go off air. I thought I was going to fall off air for a second. I thought you were still speaking. I was just waiting.

What, was my mouth moving? Oh, no, that happened. Can I ask, are you wearing the high heels, not high heels at all, are you wearing the flat shoes with a trouser or are you going with legs visible? Because I thought the point of the high heel was to make the calf taut

and the legs change shape somewhat. Is that not part of the high heel was to make the calf taut and the legs change shape somewhat. Is that not part of the gig? I don't know why this is going on. Is that not part of the gig? Is he suggesting I'm going to the I Have Given Up shop now? No, because if I was to wear high heels for like a week... I actually work in the I Have Given Up shop.

Can you tell me those tracksuit pads you had on last week? I thought you'd got those from there. Yes, I did get them from there. They're on special offer this week. The I Have Given Up shot, it specialises in the drawstring as well. Oh, but the joy of elastication. Well, there is an element of this with the flat shoe, I'm not going to lie. You know how you've

got into your gardening? Yes. It is, just getting into your later years, I just think, um, I've made my effort now. Yeah, but is there any more, I'm going to use the word sexy on yeah and it's such an i was i have to think of the 70s when i hear the word sexy it is um i remember my brother once watching we were watching crossroads at home yeah and he didn't he didn't stay in much then he was a bit he was out he was you know he's about 17 he's out and

about bit of a lad is this our key so our terry this is our terry and um we were watching crossroads and there was a bit of a saucy woman on and he said um she's a bit of a sex kitten and the whole house went oh oh my god and uh it was like i thought my dad's going to smash the place open. Did he have salt in his pocket? We got round it, but, oh, dear, it was such a tense, such a tense moment. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was talking about, I said, I warned you I was going to use the word sexy. I would say perhaps the sexiest sound in the world is... Oh.

Oh, I can't bear it. Afrikaans. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what it is about. It just, it sounds, that's not, no, it's the very opposite of Afrikaans. Oh, you like the clip-clop of the heel? Yeah, I mean, that's a great sound. You know, you're sitting and you hear it coming down the pavement.

I find it a bit 1960s Lady of the Night. Oh, no, that's just... Because they're standing still, you see. But mainly. For the moment, I'm going flat. It worked for Mickey Rooney. It could work for me. Can I tell you my other two favourite sounds?

If I had to pick my three favourite sounds. A dog. Well, it depends. Can you run them past me? They're not sexy. Okay. Sex skin. Dog before it barks.

Go on. The pre-bark cough. Yeah. You know, dog. Dog lying down. You have to imagine a dog lying down. Dog hears something. Brr.

Ha ha ha. Brr. Brr. hear something. Brr. Ha ha ha. Brr. Brr. Brr. Brr. Brr. Brr. Brr. Brr. Brr. And then he's into fall bark. And of course, um, Bodgerigar at mirror. Mm.

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. There you go. What else? We'll get a new pop shield for that microphone. It'll be fine. This one will dry out. I've made a mistake that I thought I'd stop making in life recently. In summer, I bought some Adidas Originals trainers that I thought were great, nine and a half,

wore them for a day, and they fitted in the shop, but they don't in life. You know that thing where you go, oh, God. And then I took them to a cobbler's, tried to get them stretched, and they said, oh, we can't because it's a rubber sole. I like that you found a cobbler's. Medieval fairy story.

I live in the north. The high street is very similar to the 1960s. Yes, I like that. It's great. Do you think a cobbler would do the hard skin on my feet? Have you not got that seen to yet? They should really double up with that, shouldn't they? I tried sort of

massaging it a bit myself, but all I've done is I've moved it to one end. That must have been a sight for sore eyes. I see what it's like now. It's like, you know when all the innards of a duvet go to one end? Oh, yeah. That's what it's like. I hate it when that happens. Is it properly cracked, is it?

I'm sleeping under a donkey. Pardon? Is it properly cracked? It's not cracked's like sleeping under a donkey. Pardon? Is it properly cracked? It's not cracked, no. It's just, um, it's, I could, I could, if you got me a drum now, you know that thing they play with the, with the, ks, ks, ks, ks, ks, ks, ks? Yes.

I could do that with my tongue. Sorry, I thought that was a budgerigar. No, no, no, it's just one of my many. I'm the man of a thousand sounds. I just realised I haven't written your most recent impressions on my list. I'm going to have to get scribbled in. Oh, what? You've let me down, big style.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us, why don't you, on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. What? I'd like to quote. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I know it's only a chocolate bar, but it's the principle. It breaks all the trust. It's outrageous. Not my words. It's a Marion Faist-less, I guess, this week.

They're the words for someone viewing an estate agent stealing a bar of chocolate whilst showing tenants around a property. I've seen the video. If ever there was an appropriate use for the Shaw-Taylor word character, it's this, this character. Character.

This clown. When you say clown, he's described as purple-suited. He is. I thought it was Steve Penk doing some sort of scam. Purple tie. Purple suit. I don't think they should say purple-suited as if he's permanently purple-suited. He might have other outfits. It could have just been that. He's like the as if he's permanently purple suited he might have other outfits it could have just been that joker he's always i think he always is making him seem like a bad also well i'm already suspicious we'll get to this in a minute i don't believe this whole

thing why were there two purple cushions why was the he matches the furniture this guy there was a purple door right do you want sherlock there was another character you'd love it there was another character um escaping who was in purple no yeah and i was suspicious as to where the cctv was placed and who keeps chocolate in a bowl it was odd i must admit that the chocolate was right next to the camera. Yeah, I found that. I'm sorry. I mean, that was, you know, it was a trap of some kind.

It was entrapment. Imagine getting sacked. If it is true, imagine getting sacked because you were stealing chocolate from a rented property in Walthamstow. I mean, let's be honest. It doesn't get lower. But also, it said that... He said the chocolate bar was a birthday present from his wife. Really? My kind of gal.

Now, that might suggest why he's got a CCTV fitted at home. He might be a little suspicious that maybe her attention on him is waning. Somewhat. It's all a bit Chopberry, the mysterious CCTV camera that you wouldn't expect. So what do you think it's all about? I think it's either the chocolate bar makers,

and no, I won't name them. Because do they have purple sort of wrapping? I think those are the other ones. What, on a Galaxy? No, I don't think so. Oh, he's in with it. I can't mind it. And I also think it could be the removals company. Or not removals, but the letting agency.

I think maybe it's some big scam. But what about this bloke who's been sacked? He hasn't really been sacked, but he's gone into the witness protection. This poor purple-suited estate agent that just stole a bar of chocolate. That's interesting that you think see if an estate agent wants a bar of chocolate doesn't he just go into a well he could go into a sweet shop and say I'll have a bag of those chocolates

over there, get them to measure out the bag get to the minute they're just about to press the till and then say actually the bag looks a bit creased I'd like to reduce my offer on those chocolates and by then they think oh well I've got another thing lined up now so I I'll have to go with it. Wouldn't he just do that?

That's a good point. He said that character... Changed his story a few times. He said, I just didn't feel right. I needed sugar. Yeah. Oh, we all need a bit of sugar now and then, love. Yeah, I get like that with salt. So it seems.

Yeah. Imagine if you were an interstate agent, you lost your job just because you helped yourself to some pretzels. Yeah. Or some... Imagine if you were an estate agent and you lost your job just because you helped yourself to some pretzels. Yeah. Or some old pepperoni. Yeah, he didn't even eat it,

did he? Just put it in his pocket. That didn't seem to back up the desperate... That's true, yeah. I think you're right. I think we've picked a mighty hole in this whole case.

And I won't be happy until these people are brought to justice. I won't be And I won't be happy until these people are brought to justice. I won't have the public misled by estate agents of all people. Oh, good point. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what. Shall we go a-wandering? Because I love to go a-wandering. Email. There you go, Emily Dean on mead vocals. I was doing big fish, little fish cardboard box to that. How big's your fish?

Slightly dancing. Did you go heavy shopping as well? Oh, yeah, heavy shopping. Rode a boat. Oh, Frank! Oh, yeah, heavy shopping. Row the boat. Oh, thank. Oh, I love that you know that. That's Hawaii Five-0. Lovely.

Row the boat. Oh, how cute. I don't even know any of that because there's a comic called Smiley who used to do it all in his act. Yeah, who was in the first episode of Doctor Who. Indeed, indeed, indeed. He was the uncle of Journey Blue. He's also in Utopia that I've just watched. Paddy's getting the work. Can we read the emails out now?

He's getting the work. He's holding his IMDB page. I played to Smiley. Let's start with the first email. Why not? This is from 783. Dear Frank, Emily and... Strange what it's called here the cockerel

I was interested in your distaste for manual pedal bin lids and thought I'd tell you about an alternative I should say that I find that the pedal bin a violent thing it won't open, it won't open it won't open, oh it's open

horrible I too don't care much for the all-too-quick action of the bin lid or the marks it leaves on the wall behind it. Yes. You hadn't even thought of that. They aren't made very well. And as a family of five, you can imagine the abuse the pedal receives. Yeah.

Imagine Nancy DiLoglio's pedal. Oh, that gets abused. So why not invest in an automatic kitchen bin? I did, and I have to say that all the little niggles that are involved in a manual bin have gone. It has a proximity sensor and a timer to close it. Wow. It only has a lid three-quarters the size

and so cannot catch the walls. You don't even have to make contact with it. I'm going to say it again, wow. But does it come out now a bit? Well, finally you should say that because 783 continues. The only downside I've encountered is that the lid sometimes comes down with the ferocity of Arkwright's

till. Hope that helps. I listen to your show on podcast because I'm a shift worker and then... Oh, come on, don't put yourself down. I'm sorry, the shift worker. OK, see. There you go.

Well, that could come in handy, the snapping lead. I've got a skin tag at the base of my neck I'd quite like to get rid of. Yeah. It's either that or a V in a slide trap. I can't make up my mind. I won't get that bin, because you know my early adoption can't do that. No, wait till they find out the problems. Yeah, I'm still on the mangle. I can't be up my mind. I won't get that bin, because you know my early adoption can't do that. No, wait till they find out the problems.

Yeah, I'm still on the mangle. I can't be getting these electronic bins. Oh, Christ, tell their own marvellous. Yeah. I watched one of those not long ago on one of the satellite channels. Oh, did you? Gold. In case you don't know, it's open all hours.

Ronnie Barker played Arkwright. And his till was a particularly violent play. I can't bear it. The one I watched, the one i watched the woman comes into the shop and says um uh i'll have a large washing up liquid and he said you know what i'll join you i really liked it i wish i could watch it but i can't watch things just set in a shop no i find it depressing really, um, are you being served? Is it too hard?

Oh, no, that's Camp and Fabulous and there's other departments. There's just one hardware shop and a man in overalls. I can't bear it. Mm. Yes. Remember the time

Nurse Gladys Emanuel was, uh, washing the car? Mm-hmm. I don't think Emily will, but... She was leaning right across the, uh, the windscreen

and he said, it's not often you see accessories like that on a Morris Minor. It was wonderful. I miss it. I've gone into Friends just lately, by the way. Brilliant. Oh, it's a strange decision. It is. This late in the day.

You know, we were talking about late adopters. That's why I've adopted Friends. Oh, you're watching out the Oneiden line. It's good because when people used to watch Friends, they used to think, oh, God, these beautiful women and fall in love with them. But of course now I've watched them decay. I can watch it in a relaxed way.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We're still in the email corner, I believe. Oh, yeah. Hi all. I feel I need to add to the debate surrounding Frank's compulsion to avoid being a slave to setting his alarm clock at the conventional o'clock slash quarter past, etc.

Yes, I should explain that I tend to get up at sort of, you know, like this morning it was 6.09 and stuff like that because I don't see why we should have to be on the hour or 5 past, 10 past, quarter past. Yeah, and it's very Moorish once you start going at this sort of thing. I went for 6.21, I think it was. Good on you. Respect.

Ta. I also follow this rule of what used to be an obsessional habit of rounding up to the nearest zero when filling up with petrol. Good point. It's the time that people do it. I know, I do. I no longer waste any more precious seconds of my life squeezing a few drops of gas out the pump in my quest to ensure the payment is rounded up to a nice even number. I'm paying with a card, so what difference does it make anyway?

If I've stopped filling up and noticed that I've inadvertently finished on an even number, I'll pull the trigger to release more petrol and ensure it will result in a chaotic bigger. Oh, yeah. Just to prove to myself that I can. Excellent work. Brilliant work, Keith. You see, I always have to end, the most daring I'll go is a 50. Really?

Oh, no, let loose. Well, I'm going to start doing this now. You're wearing flats. No, it's time to just... How far will you go? Will you do an 01? Oh, I'll happily do an 01. An 04?

Well, look, this is not just me. I bought a... I paid for a prescription the other day. Oh, yeah? 805. Oh. It cost. Lovely price.

So even the NHS are joining in. They're getting into it. I mean, 804, 803 would have been better, but it's the beginning. Yeah. Fabulously, I had a temperature of 38.7, so I was joining in as well. Is that fine? Well, it wasn't. I felt quite poorly, but I'm fine now.

Thank you. Thanks for asking. Oh, you didn't? There was a member of South American Serial Killer who killed 100 people, and I thought that he's very anal. Very anal. Tidy mind. What worries me is if he'd accidentally killed another person, you'd have thought, well,, I have to kill another 99.

Yeah, exactly. Terrible. On the subject of your health, we've had an email about your... Is it my results? About your... Hang on. Yeah, they've decided to try this unconventional method now. I've told you not to call me at work, darling.

I've now lost the email. I was going to read you an email about your feet. What? What, my results? Lost my results? Sounds familiar. Yeah, it's gone. There is another person who wants my advice, though.

Oh, yeah? 481. OK. Hi, team. Could I ask Miss M's advice? See, I didn't lie. To wit, is it acceptable to compliment a young lady by calling her handsome? Or is it too costume drama? I just, I did just that recently recently but i don't think it was

entirely appreciated i felt i was being complimentary as well as accurate at the time but i did feel a bit like mr darcy as i said it kind regards nick yeah i i'm interested to hear what you think of this because i think if you if you call a lady handsome it's a bit equine it feels like she's a bit horsey yeah like if you said that guy's a bit of a pretty boy... Yes....he wouldn't be a compliment. I wouldn't mind being called handsome, although when Nick points out that it was accurate, that worries me. I mean, how feminine-looking is she?

Yes. I think if you're feminine, that's fine. I take them where I can get them. Mm-hm. What, women? No, compliments. OK. I was going to say.

I think it's fine. Yeah, it's interesting how you'd arrive at handsome for a woman. There must be something that makes you go handsome in the... Tilda Swinton, she's handsome. One imagines like a glass case with adjectives in, a bit like those things at the seaside with the claw. Yes. You can take a cuddly tie out.

And if you see a woman and you go for the claw and you go, and then you're picking out handsome, something, it's sort of, don't you mean like nearly attractive? It's a bit Vita Sackville West, isn't it? Well, I'm happy with that generally. But in this case, yeah. I'm going to dwell on that somewhat, if I may. Well, here's some advice that's come in by email.

Quarter cup of blue Listerine, quarter cup of vinegar and half cup of warm water. Soak feet 10 mins and hard skin just wipes away. Exclamation mark. There you go. Problem solved. Brilliant. And in the old days, I would have drank the remainder. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Someone's just pointed out, 709 in fact, that Levi's have been doing it for years. Do what?

This is in relation to the, you know, the 501. Oh, yeah. Oh, of course, yeah, the 501. They could have had the 500, they didn't. And, of course, most of their products probably end in an odd number, don't they? When you buy them, it would be like £79.99 rather than £80, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. Poor example.

Like those two blokes in The Muppet. Brian Lara, the cricketer, played for Warwickshire. Yeah. And the West Indies, I think. He got, I think it was, I can't remember the first score, but he got 3-7 something or whatever, which was the highest ever test score. And he was sponsored by a jeans company,

maybe Pepe or something, and they named it after him. So I don't think this is the right figure, but it was something like the 3-7-9. All right. And then he broke the highest ever record for runs in first-class cricket, and he scored 501. Which really spoilt it, because they couldn't use 501. Oh, the best laid plans of mice and men.

And brachrachy crugra bagaruch. As I think Robert Burns said. During his Welsh writing period. Well, if he couldn't think of a word, Robert Burns, he just made one up. I respect him for that. They make no sense, those poems. When you see a

breggy geeky walking bagger margadiki. I'd like to have sworn at half of the Highlands there. I apologise if I have. Not for the first time. We're all brothers now, of course. 744 has emailed us. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan,

I thought you might find this funny. Okay. Okay, I'm waiting. Let's begin the beginning. Frank got a mention on the Formula One commentary last weekend. Brilliant. Okay, this is the best thing that's ever happened in my life. One commentator said something like,

Driver A, let Driver B pass, giving him a gentleman's excuse me. Then the other commentator, whilst giggling, said that he didn't think that was the real meaning of gentleman's excuse me and that Frank Skinner often uses it to mean something else entirely. That's the best news of the morning. That is brilliant. I use it to refer to my lower parts. You're on the Formula One commentary, official. That's brilliant. It's exciting.

Did you invent it? Well, for that purpose. I think you did in that context. It's actually, it's something I said because I'm on Breakfast Radio and I can't say anything else. He's actually incorrect, though, about the gentleman's excuse. It's not about letting people pass. What he's referring to is an after you clawed situation.

Oh, OK. But a gentleman's excuse me is the dance where men ask, or is it women ask men to dance? Yes, I believe that's right, yeah. They're not letting people. So he's using it out of context, but I thought I must find out who the commentator was. In fairness, so are you, but that's okay.

Yes, but what a... That's brilliant. Can I congratulate you on making motor racing interesting? That sounds like I might start watching it. I imagine that you would like that kind of thing. Oh, God, no. God, no. I'd rather watch cricket, and that's saying something.

I love being... You know, a mention is better than anything else. If you're mentioned by the way, it's better than being written about. You've got an answer on a few quizzes that I've seen, like Pointless and stuff like that. I saw a... It's on Pointless every week. Yeah. I saw a theatre review once, and it started by saying...

I once spoke to Frank Skinner, and he said he was wary of people who knew a little... The modern phenomenon of people knowing a little bit, cos they'd read about it on the internet, what he called wiki-lectuals. And he said, I think this play might have been written by a wiki-lectual, and the whole thing was based on... Oh, famous? You were?

I used to be, extremely. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio You know, we were talking a few weeks ago about snippets of conversation that you ever hear on your travels We were talking about... Yes I think I might have mentioned that I once walked into a restaurant and heard a man regaling people And like eight people all really guffawing with laughter

and him saying, yes and it turned out they were Buddhists and I never knew what the story was. That's like a friend of mine who turned on Radio 4 and he just heard the end of a show and it said and that man was Robert Dougal. And then it said and there'll be more anecdotes and it ended.

Well it's been happening to me again. There's a whole overhearing bit that I could not repeat on air. I heard two students discussing a breakup and let's just say that the lady that had been broken up with lay with the flatmate a fortnight later and I then had to follow them for about five minutes to get as much... Oh, I love this story. Oh, it's not for broadcast but it was fun. And then the other night i was in them i followed them for a bit i would have followed them i would have 100 followed them out i love it my favorite bit of it was um yeah but is he a flatmate or is he a mate and i think we've got to say that he's not a mate it's like

mickey flanagan's out out isn't it exactly i. Is it Mayhew who wrote down the talk of the common people of London or something? You went around writing that. I don't know. Why don't you ask Dr. Fox? He'll know. Okay. That sounds good, though. I was doing a gig in a rather posh hotel in Leeds earlier this week.

Really quite posh. Guess how much a cup of coffee was in the bar? How much? £3.30 for just a normal cup of coffee. In Leeds earlier this week. Really quite posh. Guess how much a cup of coffee was in the bar? How much? £3.30. For just a normal cup of coffee. In Leeds! I mean, not in Soho. I paid £19.50 for a glass of white wine in the Savoy. Oh. That's sweet. Were they doing a two-for-one

offer? Wow. £19.50 is a lot. I only buy to throw it in their faces. Can I ask what you were doing in the Savoy? Point one. Point two, why were you buying a glass of wine? Point three, you do know this is on the radio, don't you? Yes. Oh, yeah. Just in case. No, I was with a friend

and we'd been to see Forbidden Broadway. Oh, yeah. I didn't resent paying it because she's a dear friend of mine. So we had drinks and I had a cocktail which was 12 quid. Cucumber land, it was called. 12 quid for a bit of cucumber.

Which is also a great film, if you've ever seen it. And then £19.50 for a glass of white wine. But, you know, can't put a price on friendship. What price have you missed? What about my hotel in Morocco, £17, packet of Tic Tacs? Wow. Wow. That was good.

Was that the white or the green? White. OK. The texting number is 8-12-15. If you've ever paid a lot of money for something in a hotel, please let us know. What's the most you've paid for Tic Tacs? I think I win at £17, hotel in Morocco.

I think you're in with a shout. Anyway, there was one of those couples that you see in hotels sometimes, like quite, obviously quite well-to-do, and obviously just a little bit lonely, engaging the staff in longer conversations than they needed to. You know, they do that. And I've now got a theory about it, because once they were left to their own devices,

they began bickering, this kind of well-to-do couple. And I couldn't quite make out who they were bickering about. But at one point the man said, well, she only works ten till three and then she has a 90-minute bath. Are you telling me that that's not relaxing? If it isn't relaxing, why is she doing it? Good point. Unless she's very mocky. And then they discussed, I think they must have been discussing their children

because I heard her saying something and he said I think we've done alright by them we bought them a house each well in fairness he's right I think that's alright innit that is good I don't know if I agree with that though no you shouldn't I don't think so what about when I interviewed Will Young

on my now defunct chat show? And as I walked off, I could hear him in the wings talking to his agent, saying, well, I thought he was a bit pernickety. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Can I tell you a quick price, please? Yes. Two small beers, sparkling water and a G&T, £68. Wow, where was that? That was the Dorchester before the British Curry Awards. British Curry Awards? Blimey. I think they'd have cheapened it that night.

Yeah, wouldn't you? I'm just slightly upset that I didn't get offered hosting that. That's an award to do that I could have, wouldn't you? I'm just slightly upset that I didn't get offered hosting that. That's an award to do that. I could have done, innit? Frank and team, I paid 40 euros for a gin and tonic in the Hotel de Paris, Monaco. Nearly fell off my stool. Wow. That's a lot, innit?

That is a lot. Anyway, it wasn't just this posh couple in the hotel that's been earwigged this week. David Cameron. Yes. Oh, that was bad. Picked up by the microphone saying that the queen was delighted. I really didn't like this when he said she

purred. I just... That's unkind, isn't it? She purred down the line. She made me feel creepy. I mean, that's what breathing sounds like. That's probably the... Pearl necklace. I didn't like it. He said, That's probably the pearl necklace rattling on a thorax. I didn't like it.

He said, I told her, I said, it's all right. It's okay. I mean, that's a bit patronising to the Queen. I don't think I've heard David Cameron sound any creepier than these utterances. She purred and it's all right. It's okay. You may as well have said,

I've got you. you're mine now. Exactly. He also said, Al. Don't worry, officer, I'll see she gets home all right. He also said, she purred down the line. Who uses down the line? I know, it's... To be fair to him, I remember her saying,

come on and punching the air when I phoned her up and told her that joe swash was king of the jungle oh yeah yeah that's beside herself i know it was very indiscreet and i supposed to say that and also especially a controversial thing like that she could be uh she could find herself being unpopular in scot Can you imagine that? I can't imagine that. Not for a second. Yeah. That might put some of the Scottish nationalists off the Queen. Yeah. I don't know. Oh, that'd be

terrible. She, um, well, he's got a summit now. Now he's got the waiting. She gets back from Scotland, I believe, in October. He's got a month of hell before the meeting with her. What about her? She's up in Scotland. Yeah. Getting things thrown at her and stuff. Yeah. I suppose, it's not a shock, is it, the Queen of hell before the meeting with what about her she's up in scotland yeah i ain't getting things telling us and stuff yeah it's not a shock is that the queen um wanted the union to remain

yeah no but you can't have her purring down the phone not down the line purring oh yeah he also said he wanted to sue the polling companies for his stomach ul. Did he? I think he should sue some of those gentlemen's clubs instead. Yes. Anyway, we'll continue this. But I still haven't thought of an ending for the show. I never think until we get to the ending every week what to do. I suppose I was reading Ecclesiastes this week, but maybe we should end by saying,

vanity, vanity, all is vanity. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.