The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Root Canal

Episode Date: October 27, 2012

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week the team discuss trips to the dentist, Pippa Middleton's book, the mysterious Ape Man and assumptions people make of Alun, Em and Frank.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello, Mr Radio. Oh, I haven't heard that for ages. I'm with Emily Dean. And Alan the Cockerel Cochran. That is genuinely ages since you've used any of those. Well, I was reprimanded, if you recall, last week... Yes, you were.

...for dropping your nickname. Not by me, but by one of the listeners here. One of the listeners, yeah. And I never officially dropped it. It just passed me by. So what's that? I'm seeing it as being like a version of your mood hoodie and this is you in

a sort of giddy. I just don't want it to be some Paul Ince Governor type thing where we're trying to make it stick. We didn't invent it, remember, it was sent in and once the listeners have spoken. By the way, speaking of texting in, you can text us on 81215

or you can follow us on that which they call Twitter. At Frank on Absolutes. And relax. Lovely? Mm-hm. So, do I look any different? Oh, my God, he's had work. No, I haven't had work.

And we didn't notice. Imagine if Frank had work. He came in with his whole face. I'd love to come in with an elaborate facelift. Or a real full, complete, different witness protection programme job. Oh, that'd be good. So the voice, you could pick up on the voice and the clothes,

but the face was completely different. You could do it on radio. That's one of the joys of radio. You can remain in your show, regular show slot, whilst taking part in the witness protection programme. You can stay anonymous

and many do. Yeah, I'm sure there'll be lots of people at Radio 1 doing exactly that. So, um... Oh, God. So I had, um... I had that, which I believe is known as root canal work. Oh, right.

Well, people say that. That's got to hurt. Yeah, people say that. Whoa. It's a big game. That's what I like about it, because it's got a bit of notoriety. That's all I've got in the root canal conversation is, ooh, I've heard that.

Have you had it, Al? No, never, but I've heard that it's a, ooh. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm going to blow the gaff on Root Canal. Not as bad as it sounds. It's all right. Oh, really? It's fine. It's all right.

It's absolutely fine. Was the tooth pain before the Root Canal bigger than the Root Canal pain? Is that what you're saying? There was no pain, I just fancied it. I thought you were in agony when you were talking. You just liked the sound of it. I'm just got a Venice theme running down the left-hand side of my head. Like when American kids got braces just because they were cool.

Is it like that? I felt like that. This terrible ponying illness. I thought, what a great time. And it is an illness. A little gondola on top. Well, I read about a bloke, did I tell you this? A bloke who had an operation on his brain.

And they must have tickled his his ponting area. Oh yeah. And when he woke up he couldn't stop. He did about eight pons one after the other all about surgery, scalpels. Brilliant. Masks. Brilliant. I'll bet the novelty wore off but at first when he came round. And that man was

William Shakespeare. Frank. Too fine it was. Were you on heavy medication, I'm assuming, at this stage? Well, I only had the one big needle. Oh, OK. It wasn't, you know, it was fine. There was some smoke.

You know when you're being drilled? Oh, God, Paul was in the room. You know when you're being drilled and it starts to actually physically smoke you can see oh i was so calm about it looking back i was sitting there my tooth was on fire i've said well done it was on fire i could smell it because because you it's because it's at your mouth is i don't know if you ever noticed this the mouth's quite close to the nose. Yeah, yeah. So the smoke, you know, I could smell him. Luckily, the dentist was a Native American, and he was able to manipulate the plume of smoke

to call me a car at the end of the thing. No, so it was fine. Anyone who's got root canal coming up, it's lovely. I'd really recommend it. And I'll tell you something, the worst thing about the dentist for me is not the drilling and all that. It's... The conversation I hate. No, it's the water in the mouth that you're not supposed to swallow.

Oh, I love the pink water with the pill in it. I like the would you like to rinse out now water. Oh, I love it. That's brilliant. I'd like a bottle of that ever at my side for rinsing out. I wish you could order that in restaurants. Yeah.

Can I have the pink water, please? Yeah. And the dissolving pill. And you know that ice bucket you have on the stand? Could you put that at the side of me but empty

just for spitting? It'd be great as a palate cleanser. But now I'm on about when they had to shoot water in to stop your mouth catching fire and then I always want to swallow, you know that thing

but with this work I had they had a little rubber sheet with a hole in it and they stretched it so it was just the tooth was in the hole sticking out. What? Yeah So you know when like... A little circus, big talk It was like when the chimney sweeps used to come when I was a kid and they covered

the whole house except for one hole where the chimney is. It was like that. Wow. What happened to those characters? No one gets that dirty at work anymore. They were proper, absolutely black face, black hands, black clothes. They'd come to the door like that. They started work like that dirty.

No one now. Everyone's got jobs. Oh, I'm a consumer platform operator. Rubbish! Where's the sweeps of yesteryear? Sooty 2008. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio now what i think is i was in the chair for two hours at the dentist and i think you should there should be some sort of in-flight entertainment right it's quite well didn't you have any well no my dentist always gives me sex in the city box i wonder where that was going yeah do you want it doesn't there's a screen in there there's a screen no yes what can you keep saying yes but the big lights in the way way, isn't it? Well, it depends what procedures you're having. I don't know where to look. Well, I mean, if I'd thought, I would have gone for my audio. Oh, you could have taken a Dracula or... Yeah, exactly.

I mean, that's finished now, isn't it? Oh, that's long gone. I'm on the unabridged basketball's life of Johnson. That's a few hours. I listened to the talking book you gave me the other day, the War of the Worlds. How was it? It was great.

A bit frightening? Yeah, a bit frightening. That's what you want from War of the Worlds. But I knew that it was going to be frightening, so it was frightening in a good way. Spoiler alert, 50 years later. Well, I went to my accountant's yesterday. A bit frightening?

How was it? No, it was all right. I walked past the... Don't talk about that. I walked past the Jimmy Carr shrine in the corner. Now, in the waiting room there... There's a waiting room in the accountant's... Oh, I know what you mean.

You know, when you go in the waiting room anywhere, you might get, you know, a reader's digest or something like that. And that, Gio? There's an iPad in my accountants. With games. Games loaded. No way. Yeah. Who's paying for that? Well, I hadn't thought of that.

I was thinking the calibre of people that are coming in there are obviously trustable because he's leaving iPads lying about. No one's popping it into their tote bag. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. Man bag. But the receptionist is keeping an eye on things. Nothing's going crazy.

So I had ten minutes with Angry Bird before I went into it. Angry Bird, like a friend of yours. Yeah. No, what happens is I Skyped Kath. That's what I meant. No, I'd never played Angryped Kath. That's what I meant. No, I'd never played Angry Bird before.

And it was great. So, I mean, that's what people need to have. The days are gone when people just sit and stare into space. You need entertainment. So the next time I have dental work, I'm going to say, do you mind if I listen to my audio book? I think that's a good idea.

Or Sex and the City Boxer. Lovely. Don't fancy that much. I'll give you my dentist's number. No, I will give you my dentist's number. I went walking the other day through London. It was belting down the rain. And I had my cagoule hood up, and I was listening to Boswell's Life of Johnson.

And it was... Extraordinary sight. One of the cosiest. You know when you get the hood right over, it's like being in a little cave. Loved it. Everybody needs cave time. Sometimes it's in the car. Speak for yourself. Yeah.

Don't you even get it in the toilet? Sometimes you get in the toilet and you think, oh, lovely and cosy and you're on my own. I thought you were talking about your talking book that you were taking in the toilet. Sometimes you get in the toilet and you think, oh, lovely and cosy. I thought you were talking about your talking book. I don't like the talking book. Maybe you should take a talking book to the toilet. That time is precious, Frank, in the toilet. I agree. Yeah. Love that time. Never get that time back.

Especially when you've got a child. Oh, I'll go and spend two or three hours in there. Yes, lovely. No, everyone's got their own little cave, so you know, my little places, you need that. I see putting the extractor fan on as like lighting a little log fire as well, just for a bit of atmos.

Well, I had root canal surgery this week, so I'm not an extractor fan at the moment. Oh, lovely. Frank? I'm Feeling good. We've had news from the outside world. Good. On 8-12-15.

I believe so. Lee says Eamon Holmes yesterday advised on his daytime show that Daniel Craig had taken his PA slash secretary. I think he used the word stolen. And of course Daniel Craig, as regular listeners will know,

had my cleaner. Well, he's building his staff the way Man United used to build their youth team. That'll be libelous probably. I think they owned him. I think they got caught. Why are they going to Daniel Craig and leaving you in here? Well, he's the man of the moment, isn't he, Daniel Craig?

And they know he's away a lot, so life's easier. Whereas I'm just hanging around. Still, I'm in the toilet five hours a day. I don't know what they've got to worry about. He needs to be stopped, though. He's a poacher. He will kill again. Well, you know, he's got the licence.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. you know he's got the licence Frank Frank Frank oh don't Frank me good heavens angry but heard Nugget who's one of my regulars he's actually tweeted us

to say morning Mr Radio he's taken off Frank our say, Morning, Mr Radio. He's taken off, Frank. Yeah. Our dentist also has a screen to show films or calming images, mainly for kids. I'm missing out. I told you for one second to think I'm going to NHS. But I get nothing.

DFS, you go. I'm just staring into the light. I'd go DFS for a better choice, yes. Very 70s not to have a screen. And then Marie says, also, I agree. Root canal treatment, no big deal. Thank you, Marie. Oh, somebody else has texted.

It's all been bogus, the whole thing. People talk about it like it's doing extreme sports. Yeah, and Al has emailed in saying, I had root canal last week and it was so relaxing that I fell asleep in the chair while the dentist was drilling my smoking tooth. Smoking tooth? When I went for a smoking tooth is like, it should be a new phrase, you know, like smoking gun is a phrase. It's what Tony Blair was looking for. He found a smoking tooth. Yeah, Saddam had a smoking tooth. I was very, very relaxed. I was bored. He says that he went for a drink afterwards and spilled it all down his numbed face.

I quite like that. If I've had tooth... I once had a shave after having an injection when I was getting some dental work. Weird. That's a dangerous business. High risk. I'm a thrill seeker. You could have got an inch and a half deep into that yeah i was on a boss once and everyone was staring at me and i thought i was because my

face is all out of shape but when i got home a long trail of mucus was from my nostril right to the very tip of my chin yeah i look like a a very i, like half of a blown glass version of Hulk Hogan. Frank? Yes? Never mind all this, can we please discuss one of my favourites, P. Middy? Ah, yes, Pippa. Pippa Middleton. Ah, Pippa.

It can't have escaped your notice that she's wrote in a book. I'll say she has what? Celebrate? She's wrote in a book. That's what James Harris said once when he was interviewed. He said, I've wrote in a book. Yeah, she has wrote in a book and I don't know if you've seen much of Celebrate. I know what it's

about. It's about partying, isn't it? I was going to write a similar book in the 90s but the content was different. It was called Celebr to celebrate it would have been a tragic she tells you vile book that was one of the reviews um she tells you how to make a cup of tea well i hope that it's bought by lots of people in the south of england where it is a rare skill in In this room? Yeah, exactly. None of the skills. And can I say, anyone who's thinking of moving down,

there's no dry stone wall in London that I've seen at all. I thought it'd be all along the motorway. Is it you that thought that London was pedestrianised when you first came here? Yes, he drove to Collindale and parked his car. Am I right? I just want to remember who that was the other day. I thought paved with gold. They're not going to let people drive on that.

You drove to one of the ends of the tube. It was Collindale. Yeah, I remember that. And then... I thought that was as close, as far in as you could get. Well, you know, I didn't know any better. Oh, I love it. It's so sweet.

I've got a CD dry stone wall separating my lounge. Oh, right. Yeah. And the cases. It's so sweet. I've got a CD dry stone wall separated in my lounge. All right. Yeah. And the case is, it's beautiful. You could run at it, it won't give. Carry on. So she also tells you how to play Conkers. Mm-hmm.

That's not a very long chapter, I don't think. No. She says put nail varnish on it. She says we did that. It was cheating. It was a bit naughty. There's lots of, I understand, there's lots of we did this when we were kids. And every time people read the we, they think,

ooh, got to reference to Kate. The conker's advice is good for people these days if they're on a shoestring budget. Oh, well, if you're also on a shoestring budget, how about caviar-laced scrambled eggs? I'm having such a good time this morning, can I say that? Why, because there's been puns? It's like being at the theatre.

You know what, I like Poo-Poo Middleton. Me too, I'm glad you've said that. And she's got, have I mentioned before the sad face, happy face thing with her? Yes, you have, but please do... The bottom half of her face is lovely, smiling, and it generates a sense of joie de vivre. Whereas her eyes have a terrible sadness that she's lived through many bleak experiences.

If you got the two... Say if you got metal versions of the tragedy mask and the comedy mask and did a second-hand car salesman bit and welded two halves together because they'd been damaged. A cut and shunt. You would have, Kipper Middleton. If you cut and shunted...

Oh, Christ. Sorry, I think we got through it. Absolutely ill. Yeah. That's what she's got, the sad... If she took to wearing a yashmack in public, people would think, oh, she's a very unhappy, very sad person. If she went around blindfolded, they'll think she's full of life.

How strange. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We was talking about Pippa Middleton. Pippa, yeah. We were. So you're both fans, aren't you? I'm glad to hear that, Frank.

I'd say she's my favourite royal. She's my favourite. Is she? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm doing this to slightly annoy people who get annoyed in this way. She's my favourite child of party planners. Definitely my favourite princess she is. She's my favourite princess.

I'm sure if the Beastie Boys were here, they would defend her to the hilt. Would they? They would fight for her right. To party? Well, at least to organise a party. That's what she should have called the book, Frank. Much better. Oh, I like the fact that she's called the book Celebrate.

For people that think that, you know, the royal family have included a commoner, the fact that she's called her book Celebrate, and I believe her brother's got a book coming out called Party, and the dad has got one called Ka-ching, and the mum going, woo-hoo! I think it's great. They're cashing in on it just enough for them to be like normal people,

but not too much to annoy me. It's just right. They've got the balance exactly right. I think... I love it. I think, you know, she wants... That's what she does, is the party thing. So it's all right for her to write... Yeah, but she might not have got that opportunity

if she had not... 400 grand. And can I say that I celebrate... It's all right, isn't it? I celebrate the fact that the book is not called something like Top Bottom to get the perfect derriere with Pippa Middleton. She must have had 10 million offers to write the perfect bottom book. Yeah, but she wouldn't be allowed.

I think her Pilates instructor did a DVD. Well, I don't think the royals would like it. It could be called the Seastar with the Keister. What about that? They wouldn't let her. They can't. They've got no control over her. Yeah, but then the money's going to dry up, isn't it? She doesn't get money from that.

Oh, wow! She does from the association. OK, then the Wimbledon tickets will dry up. Well, maybe, yeah. Look, all I'll say, I think... I know Karl Lagerfeld is no fan. He said, famously, he said she struggles. Of Pip Middleton?

Yeah. He said she struggles? Yeah, I'd really trust his judgment. But, no, I was going to say, said famously he said she struggles of pip middleton yeah he said she struggles yeah i'd really trust this judge but no i was going to say i thought she scrubbed up very well four outfits lovely four outfits the hair was a bit sport victorian child but i thought the outfits were great i love the fact that she wore four outfits people on the daily mail commenting about her wearing four outfits i like that makes me identify with her. I've got children. I quite often wear four outfits every day.

Three of them have been soiled, but that's not the point. Well, are you? As a former Rear of the Year, I know what it's like to be... How did that even happen? To be reduced to just a bomb on legs. I know what that's like. Who was the lady when you won it? It must have been... Carol Smiley,

wasn't it? Carol Smiley. How do I know that? How do you know that? How do I know that? Yeah. And I found I became a bit of a sex object for some. People would prod. People would prod. People would prod without even asking. People would prod? They would. They'd come and have a bit of a...

They would, yeah, and I think that's rude I'd hear people walking away saying You know, there isn't a bit of giving it Yeah, it's like people When you see people buying cantaloupe It was like that So I'm with me and Pippa I understand her pain

Absolute, absolute radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Email Corner We have received emails from some of our listeners. Par exemple... We have, dear Frank, Alan and Emily, I hope you've had a lovely week

and are looking forward to your extra hour tomorrow. Brackets assuming you're reading this on Saturday. Clocks go back tonight, everybody. My Sherlock analysis skills tells me this person doesn't have young children. Maybe. I was just pedestrian racing while listening to last week's show. I heard Frank talking about Heelys. Largely due to finding a pair in LA in my size

and having wondered if they actually worked, I bought a pair. They've given me a lot of pleasure and have really aided my racing. They also led to me making a lot more friends, getting a tip in Euros in an Italian village and even speeding up my commute. I was going to do a night's move now and say if ever Frank wants a go on them, I would be happy to let him. But I'm sure he's too busy have a lovely week simon long time listener first time corresponding

i think his name's simon long oh it's done another listener yeah good frank that's the first night's move for you congratulations that's nice isn't it and who's to say i won't ever get i was talking about these last week he leasers those they're like the kids have them usually they're shoes with like little wheels on so you can go sliding i was talking about that last week, Heelys and those. Kids have them usually. They're shoes with little wheels on so you can go sliding. I was talking about that I slid everywhere as a child. Like some sort of reptile. He's saying I'm sure you're too busy, but what kind of adult would that make you? The kind of adult that's too busy to have a go in some Heely trainers?

I'm sure the Heelys are going to save me time. Exactly. Shave a couple of minutes off the week. Yeah, I'm quite keen. And I could, while I was on them, I could sing the opening song from Elvis Presley's film Roustabout, Wheels on My Heels. Excellent.

Oh, a great movie, thank you. Oh, man, it couldn't be any better than that, could it? I'd like some of those with lights on. You know the ones that you see with... Oh, yeah. I don't know if they do those for adults bit night rider uh you are but um don't say i had well i'll tell you after i had the strangest pair of trainers anyone's ever had in the history of trainers eh yes these trainers i was sent them got, like, these really hard plastic bits on the bottom with, like, they're concave,

and they said that the idea of them is that if you're out in a sort of a built-up area, you can use them for sliding down metal handrails. No. Well, can you imagine it? No. Yeah. Metal handrails.

I don't want you doing that. You'll have one of your falls. Like a skateboarder. Like somebody on a Tony Hawk's video game. Yeah, like... Can you imagine Frank doing that? You know those people who, what do they call it, jump the city or whatever?

Do you know those people who jump the city? Oh, the... Oh, parkour. Yes, that's exactly it. Parkette. Not parkette. Not Birmingham front room. No. Anyway, I've never dared try them.

No. But I'd like to know if anyone else owns any of those or really knows, because I'm very unclear that anyone would ever use them. Perhaps bring them in next week and we'll have a go on the absolute banisters. Yeah, I'll tell you, they... The absolute banisters are our legal team, we should just say. Yeah, they're very good. You should see them run, sub four minutes every time.

By the way, I noticed that I said earlier, when I was talking about people prodding my bottom like they would if they were buying a cantaloupe, I said like they were buying cantaloupe. And I sort of associate... Oh, I see. I assumed that the plural of cantaloupe was cantaloupe. The way it is with antelope, because it's a bit like antelope.

And it's a very dangerous assumption. I'm edgy about it. Yeah, don't start assuming things are like antelope. I love what a perfectionist you are. Yeah, but I don't want to... Don't return to the old cantaloupe. You know, you can't use that. Oh, well, it sounds a bit like antelope.

That won't stand up, will it, in a court of law? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan the Cockerel Cochran and Emily Dean. And you can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute.

Now, are we technically still in the email corner area of the show? Yeah, I think we are. If we're to look at the floor space, where are we standing? I have an email. Dear Frank, Alan and Emily, it's come to my attention that there's another show currently on TV with a title that clearly came before the content of the show was decided. I should say that we have spoken

about shows that weren't made just because they had a catchy title as far as we could see. Indeed. And this one is called Jews at Ten. It's on Channel 4 on Tuesday nights at, you guessed it, 10pm. The content of the show is described on the Radio Times. Does it start with a picture of, instead of Big Ben, Big Ben-Gurion?

I haven't seen it myself. That's the first David Ben-Gurion joke we've had. Certainly this morning. Perhaps the last. But possibly ever. He continues, the content of the show is described on the Radio Times website As jokes, stories and fables of Jewish life Told by well-loved Jewish celebrities and figures from the community

I think this can safely be slipped into the same category as shows such as Aid in Britain and Desperate Scousewives Whilst I'm on I'd like to say how lovely I think Emily is However I'm spoken for so if she's ever in the South Warwickshire, she's to contact me and I'll put her in touch with my mate Carl, who'd be only too pleased to take her out for faggots and peas and a pint of ale at the local hostelry. Lovely. Oh, I think I'd be up for that as well. Well, okay, you go then. Who's that from? That's from Tom in Ulster can I say it Ulster

is it Ulster no he's not from Ulster no he is he's from Warwickshire you do say Ulster though that's the Ulster Ulster says yes

not instead of no Ulster I've always thought that Ian Paisley might have had much more success politically if he'd have said Ulster says no thank you people would have thought he's alright I have an idea for a show success politically if he'd have said, Ulster says no! Thank you.

People would have thought he's all right. I have an idea for a show, by the way. Go on. Are we the right people to tell? What about your agent, manager? One based on a name. Because I've often thought I would like a news programme that instead of looking at the day's news looks at the next day's news.

Because you often know what's going to happen. Certain things, speeches have been made and stuff and sort of looking forward so that when you're watching the news unfold you've got a bit of background that's a good idea and i thought it could be called manana oh like panorama slash manana yeah i like it okay well we'll get that off to the BBC. Let's workshop it. I've been phoning the BBC about it. They've been engaged all week. You think they've got something on? They've got something on going on there. I don't know what it is.

Oh, the stuff's happening. Frank, can I just say at this juncture, I do actually like Jews at Ten, the show. I haven't seen it. It's good. And our close personal friend, Dee Dee, is in it. I like Jews at Ten, but when they get older. It's one of my favourite programmes.

But that won't surprise you, because as you well know, Frank, everyone does tend to assume I'm Jewish. Can we be honest about this? Well, I'll be honest. I thought for many years that you were Jewish. I know. When I first met you.

I know. It was that little hat. And also, I thought you were very overprotective about your airspace. But people always assume that I am Jewish. Yeah, but that's a good thing, isn't it? I love it. I kind of pretend that I am, because I love it. It's because you're kind of sharp and spiky and bright the way Jewish women often are.

Because I say oi, oi, oi a lot. You do say that a bit. But your manager actually said to me once, who is Jewish, she said there's been a terrible mistake of some sort. It's a terrible mistake of some sort. He said they've got that wrong. Well my family have got that wrong. It's not like a percentage of

the gross, they've got that wrong. He said that. Well I think he means there was a switch up. Yes. I think it's probably because you have dearest friends and you've been influenced by it. I think so. It's a good mix. Well, I know when we were growing up,

everyone thought my family were, and my mum was having problems with me, and a friend said, I don't know, Kristen, go and talk to the rabbi. And she paused and she went, OK. So I blame her. And then on we had to pretend. Yeah.

Anyway, I had a bit of an incident this week because obviously much like yourself there's someone i work with he's made the assumption call it the assumption he's booked a restaurant and this is a big work lunch and obviously in an effort to treat me he says i've booked a restaurant we're going to mishkin's you've obviously been there before i don't need to ask because this is a big Jewish restaurant. I went, yes, obviously. Because I didn't want to disappoint him. He said, well, I think you'll know what to order.

No problem, Sia, you can talk us through the menu. I didn't know what to order because I'm not Jewish. Smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel. Thanks for the tip, I'll remember that. How route one could you get? So we go to Mishkin's. I'm feeling nervous.

Yeah. Because I'm not really Jewish, and everyone who works there is, and I think they can smell what I'm not. Okay. So we sit down, we get the menu out, he starts talking. He's doing this again. You'll know what to order. Talk us through the menu.

I thought, I've got to break cover, Frank. I've got to out myself as a Gentile. I did it quite... I said, I'm not Jewish. I didn't like that. Route one. Look, I've had to out myself as a Gentile. I did it quite... I said, I'm not Jewish. I didn't like that. Oh, dear. Look, I've had enough of this. I'm not Jewish and that's it. Sounded quite aggressive.

Yeah. Now that sounds like you didn't want to be Jewish. And I did. Yeah. He was... He's a Swede himself. Oh, OK. Well, he was food themed.

Well, this is what I thought. Why couldn't you have gone to a root vegetable restaurant? Do you know, he said... See Graham Taylor in the corner, sulkily eating. He said it was all right, but it wasn't. And do you know what? I could see him re-evaluating me. He went, oh, right, no problem, though. Oh, gone off, you know, you don't have that sort of exotic specialness, do you?

Exactly. Yeah, well, people always think I'm Graham Norton, so... You can imagine the kind of clubs they take me to. That's a treat. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Frank, you know, we were talking about me pretending to be Jewish, or people assuming I was. Yeah. We've had a text in about one of my Jewish best friends, and one of yours. This is from 546 Kai Fae. I saw David Baddiel in conversation with David Mitchell at a bookshop event this week.

I now have a man crush on David Baddiel. What a handsome man. Oh, we'll love that. Yeah. That's nice, isn't it? Isn't that nice? Who's that from? Is there a name? That's from 546. Okay, yes, I can see it now. Now you put it like that. I saw David Baddiel doing

stand-up this week. Oh, did you? Yeah. I have to say, it was absolutely tremendous, and I'm not just saying that because my life will be a misery if I said anything else. No, it was. In fact, it's made me think, why don't I go and do stand-up again? Because it's a joyous thing when it's done properly. I'll tell you something else.

I think people assume of me that I'm deaf. Do they? Yeah, I get a lot of people caught up to me and go, Frankie! Frankie! From about three feet away. Right, well, I think that has had an impact, because sometimes you do not hear some things

that people have said to you in this studio. No. Talking through the song. Perhaps they've deafened you in an ironic way. I think they have, and it's... Or sometimes from vans, I get it. Perhaps they've deafened you in an ironic way. I think they have. Or sometimes from vans, I get it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Or just the blast of what I like to call a drive-by tooting.

Oh, yeah. And the other day, there was a van. It wasn't actually a white van, but it was a van. And a fellow, a jolly raton sort of a fellow, put his head out the window and went, Legend! And I thought, that's nice. And then I looked round and King Arthur was standing.

Oh, no. I made such a fool of myself. Oh, what a shame. He just smiled. He knew I'd made a... Frank, can I just say, I kind of assumed Alan was Scandi. I thought there was Scandi blood.

Oh, Scandi, now you're thinking. I thought you said Gandy. No, not Gandy. Sorry, I'm a bit deaf. Oh, my God. I thought he was Gandy when I first met him. I thought he was Swedish. It looks all the better for it.

I thought you were a Swede or a Dane. Well, you know, I did play Truls Hartman in The Killing. I didn't. Then I found out you were from West Yorkshire. We know who you played. You played, was it Sid the Asthmatic? Jason the Asthmatic. Jason the Asthmatic in Always and Everything.

I did go through a phase about five, six years ago where everybody assumed that I had played the teenage son in My Family because I look a bit like that Chris Marshall character that was in the BT Internet advert. Oh, no, he doesn't behave well. I bet you took advantage of that misunderstanding, am I right? No, I didn't. Oh, can I just establish something, Frank, to save on future misunderstandings?

You can as long as it's not a major national bank. No. Because that'll take ages. Was Jason the Asthmatic a recurring role? No, he was a one-off. Really? How many lines? I can't remember. Okay. I did a recurring role? No, he was a one-off. Really? How many lines? I can't remember.

OK. I did a lot of panting, though. Oh, yeah, a big panting, right. Did you do any... Was there any inhaler work? No, no, there was a bit of... Oh, did you do that? I got a bit of that.

Here's the thing that people... You know when they do the... bringing someone back to life thing? Oh, the defibrillators. Paddles. Yeah. Paddles. Paddles.

There was a gas mat. There was all sorts going on. It was a complicated scene. Wow. Anyway, here's the thing that people genuinely often assume about me is that I am going to be terrible at things. If I go and do something, people just assume that I'm going to be rubbish at it. Really?

I don't mean just stand-up. I mean... No. Like, other stuff. Shaving. Like, years ago... You won't get that on radio. No, exactly.

Keep it visual. Sorry. I did, you know, the sort of motorbike test where you learn how to ride a scooter. Only the compulsory... Like a proficiency test, yeah. They ought to call that a scooter test. you learn how to ride a scooter. Only the compulsory... Like a proficiency test. They ought to call that a scooter test. The basic one. I did that. That's just to confuse

people. And there was a couple of teenage lads in that had obviously got into motorbikes. It's like the entry level thing that you do. Oh, yeah. Halfway through the day's course, I've done the figure of eight round the curtains and the... Bless your heart, a bit humiliating. And the instructor just came up and said to me,

I'm going to be honest, I just assumed in the classroom that you were going to be rubbish at this. You just told me? I wonder why that would be. It's just the thing, if we all now... I told you not to take that labrador. Oh. No, to me, you look like a sort of

big, strong, competent type of a character. No, people... If we all did anything... If we went hang gliding together, the hang gliding instructor would assume that I would be the worst of the three of us. I don't think that's true, do you? Honestly. Well, I'm here for a start. They would.

Well, and me. That old geezer's going to go off on a hang gliding. If we went, he'd be thinking, that old geezer and that Jewish girl are going to be better than that lanky guy. Imagine me coming out of the sky. I promise you. It'd be like when they open the ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark and those horrible skeleton-faced demons are encircling the room.

Oh, what are they thinking about? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. If I was to say the words Amazon and Ape Man, it wouldn't be that I was buying a book. No, I never ordered that.

It was a story this week, the Ape Man of the Amazon. I saw that. A 75-year-old picture of this Ape Man from the 1930s. and it's an incredible-looking chap. If you haven't seen it, to the listenership, let's just say if they made a film of his life, Leslie Ash would be making a return to the acting community. Very unkind. I don't think that's unkind.

I think there should be a shoe-in, surely. Yeah, really weird. He has got very big lips. He's an ape man, though. He says in the paper, his giant lips and furrowed brow and awkward monkey-like gait appear to be Simeon, and Dutch magazine Het Leven, which published them in 1937, certainly seem convinced. He looks like he's had straight off three tubes of salt and vinegar pringles leaving his lips salty and swollen i've forgotten about your pringles problem stinging he's got a lovely head of almost kennedy family hair though it's like a mix between

kennedy and a mop top from the beatles I say something controversial? I think he's quite hot. I know that's weird. The 1930s hype, man. Yeah. No, he's not Vince Cable levels, but he's a little bit shouldn't but would. Is that weird? I think that's true of all hype men that's been discovered. Shouldn't but would. I always thought that of...

There's something about him, he's very testosterone-y. Yeah, well, so is Bigfoot, of course. This is true. He's very masculine. I like the anger on his face, it attracts me. Whereas Smallfoot, I don't know if you remember that one, I thought was quite effeminate. Yeah, not seeing Smallfoot, but I can believe it. Smallfoot, obviously, he looks a very jolly kind of a chap. Proudfoot? Are we going to do all the feet?

No, let's not do all the feet. They're suggesting, though, of course, that it's a hoax, aren't they? They are. An elaborate 30s hoax. Based, it seems, largely on the fact that he's a hoax aren't they an elaborate 30s hoax based it seems largely on the fact that he's quite clean shaven for someone that's just come out of the woods they seem to think that they would have had a bit of beard or grizzle well i'm afraid i know this is becoming something that people do a lot but i did i couldn't resist looking at the daily mail

comments oh i bet they delivered well a lot of people got really angry about the idea that we descended from the apes, which says something about Daily Mail. We descended from what? One bloke. What about this for a very specific gripe? This is Tommy from Durham who says, well, some reporters might have descended from the apes, but I certainly didn't. And neither did the good folk of County Durham,

Northumberland and Cumbria. Very specific. Just those three areas. Obviously, he's done research, and that's as far as he could get on the boss pass. Very specific creationist anger. Perhaps my favourite one. Bear in mind, this is a picture of an ant man,

which is, I mean, when you first see it, you think, oh, my God, it's shocking. Yeah. yeah like it's the missing link it's a remarkable photo and he's standing with this bloke and this woman is sort of holding him and you look at it and even if it's when you first see it is quite a shocking picture and then uh this bloke who is called a ghost from hereford said i don't know but the woman with him's got an incredible body. That is true. I love a bit of, yeah, cadaver lust. It's a woman from 1937.

It sort of reassured me that mankind will always continue because even if we're threatened by the missing link, you'll still notice that blonde on the side. Did I ever tell you about my gun experience in Milan? Charlton Heston. Oh, I think I've heard you talk about that before.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, can I just say, we're in here watching telly, and who should come on the screen but you, and I got really excited. I get excited if I come on the screen in a shop with CCTV. Damn, the novelty's never worn off. Can I say, I don't want this to get creepy here, but you look very handsome.

Oh, thank you very much. Best looking in that room. I haven't, well, the makeup and all that they've put on you. No, you look very handsome. Oh, thank you very much. Best looking in that room. I haven't, well, the makeup and all that they put on you. No, you look lovely. But best looking in a room full of comics is rarely that big a compliment, is it? No, it was, definitely. Yeah, I mean, the 30s ape man

would be best looking. See, not anymore. When I started comics were quite ugly in the main. But now there's a lot of those young boys with the chrysanthemum haircut and the tight jeans. Oh, they don't eat either. No, they don't eat.

Same with lions. You know what? They live on laughter. Same with lions, isn't it? Lions, they're quite ugly in the main. That's absolutely tremendous. A bit laboured. Oh, I've only just got it.

Let's move on. We'll move on. But if you're a fan of puns, I am. you'll laboured. Oh, I've only just got it. Let's move on. We'll move on. But if you're a fan of puns, you'll enjoy this, which is an email we've just received. Hello, everyone. I don't get it. Is it Halo? I think you'll find this is from Joe in the Basement. Okay.

Are you familiar with his work? Yeah. He's the bloke that you always say, are you sure you're not from Birmingham? Because you look like you are, and he says, no, I'm not. OK. Yeah, he's definitely from Birmingham. He's not, Frank.

I know that look. I do. Of course I know it. I know how much you all like a pun, and I came up with one that I'm very proud of and wanted to share. Did you? Let me do the pun. Let me give it its proper service. I'm very proud of and wanted to share. Did you? Let me do the pun. Let me give it its proper service.

I'm so anxious. I had to kick the new Bond villain out of my pub the other night. Have you barred him? No, he can come back when he's sober. I'll tell you what, it's good. I like it. I'm worried it's been written before and recycled every time a new film of his is out, but I'm claiming ownership for now.

I don't think you should worry about the avalanche of Javier Bardem ponds knocking around. No, I don't. It's good. It is good. Oh, yeah. I like that. We don't get many texts from the basement. No, we don't.

On the subject of ponery, we had an email. We should perhaps explain that when people send in an email about something else and then right at the end they propose a date with Emily... Which they do a lot. They do seem to be doing more and more, it would appear. You call it a knight's move. Well, a knight's move, as in like the chess book, where the knight suddenly... it moves in a way you don't expect, is the whole idea.

It's a sudden sharp turn. Yeah, so it's going one way, and then, whoa, suddenly it's become amorous. So just for clarity, we're looking at knight's move. That's K-N-I-G-H-T apostrophe S. But here we've had an email. Dear Frank the Cockerel and Emily, I wondered if Emily enjoys the clocks going back, given that knights move.

Oh. That is all. Very good, given that nights move. Oh. That is all. Very good, John Reilly. Very good. John C. Reilly, lovely. Indeed, yeah. I like it. I love John C. Reilly.

Very good. When do the clocks go back? What time do they actually go back? It's 2am on Saturday, isn't it? Or Sunday morning. I like the way they try and sneak it through. 2am, no one will notice, they're just getting it. It is, it's to stop your body clock being a bit weird.

Why not 2 o'clock in the afternoon so we can enjoy it? I know. You're right, Frank. It's biased in favour of the night creatures. It's ridiculous. It's trying to sneak it. But it'd be quite fun if you said, right, it's 2 in the afternoon on Saturday and you moved it back

and then you could say to whoever you're in the living room with, what time is it? And they could say, it's one o'clock again. Do you ever stay up for the changeover? I do. It wouldn't be fun if you just put a chicken in the oven. Exactly. Maybe that's why they don't do it. It's burnt to a sin. I'll sue the government. It makes you wonder what else they're trying to get through at two and three o'clock in the morning.

We'll probably find that between ten past four and twenty past four this morning, we were Holland. I'm worried about it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about the daylight saving before we were rudely interrupted by some music.

Yeah, just call us Panorama. And someone's texted in, it's no fun for night workers as extra hour is difficult. Well, that's funny because Daisy, the producer, had a theory. And she said, oh, I know why the clocks go back, what happens at two in the morning, it's because of nightclubs. Because they don't, she said with great authority. Yeah.

So it's all as a result of nightclubs. I took the whole Greenwich Mean Time morning, it's because of nightclubs. Because they don't... She said with great authority. Yeah. So it's all as a result of nightclubs. I think the whole Greenwich Mean Time thing is based basically on the turning out of nightclubs. How good would that be, though? If you were in a nightclub thinking, I've got to go home in ten minutes, it's ten to two, and then suddenly they went, oh, we forgot it's daylight saving, extra hour.

Well, for the serious drinker, it would be a nightmare. Or a blessing, surely. It's like when you find there's ten more overs and you've used your best bowler up. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because by the time they stop serving, I want to be... I'm in basically an ambulance case.

I don't want to find I've got another hour. Good heart. Can you imagine it? Frank, we've also... I'd like to return briefly to email corner. Let's do it. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. My mum uses the phrase pig iron.

Pig iron! To denote the doing of a thing in spite of another thing. For example, even though Richard Hammond knows Emily hates a bootcut jean, he continues to wear them for sheer pig iron. No sense to it, but we are Irish and we say a lot of nonsensical stuff. Lauren Cork, 028. I think she's grasping for the word headedness, isn't she? It's pig headedness, not pig iron.

Unless she plays a sort of iron-based form of blankety-blank. Yes. Which you replace. Does she say happy as a pig of iron-based form of blankety-blank. Yes. Which you replace. Does she say happy as a piggy in iron? No. I think we should adopt it. I like that, though. I do, yeah.

Also, I like the idea of the listenership telling us weird things their mum says. I think that's a fun idea. I'm very happy for people. Let's make that the texting for the last hour. What weird stuff does your mum say? Well, let's just say mum. Or should we say parents? Let's say parents. Don for the last hour. What weird stuff does your mum say? Well, let's just say mum. Or should we say parents? Let's say parents.

Don't be sexist. Yeah. My mum used to say you shouldn't eat fruit before going to bed. Give you a sore tummy. Sore tummy is very parents. Ridiculous. She's insane. Yeah.

Would my mum say that? Pigs will iron. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan the Cockerel Cochran. You can text us at 81215, follow us on Twitter, at Frank on Absolute. Frank?

What? Ow, that's very loud. You were talking earlier about... What's that noise? I can't hear you now. I'm taking my headphones off. No, it's Frank. Someone...

Was it someone going... No, it wasn't. OK. It was someone talking about strange things that mums say. Oh, yes. My mum calls the internet the dit-dit-dot because she thinks it must work by semaphore. That's from Doug in Reading.

That's Morse code, isn't it? Yes, that's what I would have thought. Semaphore's flags. Yeah, but I like it. I quite like it. The dit-dit-dot. We've also had a text in from your brother, Keith. I'm going to call it that forever now.

We've had a text in from our Keith. My. I'm going to call it that forever now. We've had a texting from our Keith. My mate John says he knows as much as a pig knows about white shirts. I'm assuming that means if he doesn't know about something. He says, yeah. He'll say, I know as much about that as a pig knows about white shirts. My mum sometimes says I'm not as green as I'm cabbage looking. Oh, yeah, that's quite common. I never know it was my mum because she's Scottish and weird,

so it's sometimes... Lou Ferrino used to say I knew him quite well. My mum used to say, darling, we never ask for autographs in our family. That's what she said to me. We never... That's a good rule, though. My mum had Noel Gordon's autograph on the mirror in our lounge for

20 years really oh sign photo of noel gordon i remember they had a there's a birmingham website i think called this is birmingham and they said what famous birmingham celebrities have you spotted around the town and a guy um emailed in and said i saw no Noel Gordon from Crossroads fame. Well, I say I saw her, I couldn't actually see her because she was in a coffin. Oh, God. God. The worst celebrity spotting.

Frank, did you see Oprah this week? Oh, Oprah in the slippers? Yes. Yeah, Oprah Winfrey was out on the town. Grand old Oprah, as I call her. Oh, good. She's a complete mystery to me, actually, Oprah. But anyway.

Is she? Yeah, because... I would have just assumed that you'd worked with her. I've never worked with Oprah, but she's very... You've worked with them all. Very, very, very famous and successful. I mean, like, one of the biggest stars ever in the history of television.

Why is that? Oh, dear. I didn't think it was going to be this controversial. No, I don't... She's perfectly talented and does a good job and all that, but why... Say, why her and not... Trish.

Trish. Yeah, Trisha. Really? Yeah, or Robert Kilroy Silk. Oh, there's a name from the past. But what's special about Oprah? I don't get it. She's every woman. Yeah.

You know what, in terms of the... No, I'm just quoting Chaka Khan. I wasn't saying Oprah was every woman. I mean, I think it was all there for the taking for Robert Kilroy Silk until he started campaigning on behalf of UKIP, didn't he, at one point? Yeah, well, I must say that Oprah has sidestepped that particular... Yeah, she really hasn't done that much for UKIP. No.

But New Slip, she's big on. New Slip, yeah, because she had the slippers on. Yes, in public. Well, they were green, fluffy. it was the nature of said slippers they were kind of frog comedy slippers weren't they yeah i think they're the sort of thing best worn under 25 love dear yes i think once you hit 30 it's a little bit when you say under 25 do you mean in age because with opera that could mean stones couldn't it i mean oh my god no she goes up and down she's well known for it she's, my God. No, she goes up and down. She's well known for it.

She's well known. No, she's not. She goes up and down. I've never heard such gossip. People say that about Oprah. Well, I used to have a massive pair of Zebedee slippers, which I wore all the time. Did you? They were, like, a foot long, literally and metaphorically,

and had, like, the big Zebedee head and everything, and they were like a foot long, literally and metaphorically, and had like the big zebra-y head and everything, and they were fabulous. Really? I've got nothing against an ornamental. I'm thinking I might have another crack at Crocs. Are you? Yeah. They've become so unfashionable now, I think that might be right for me.

You could wear that with your cloak, Frank. That'd look nice. Oh, Crocs and a cloak would be an amazing combo. I just think when you step out of your house, you never know who you're going to run into. Always maintain standards. I always do. Yeah, but are Crocs a bad thing? I'm not talking about wearing them naked. I'm on about with a few

gibbets. Naked? No, but I'm on about adding a few gibbets. What gibbets? You know the gibbets they put on, aren't those badges? Oh, God. Yeah. Are they called gibbets? That's what they're called, gibbets. Are they?

Yeah. I can't get out of my head the image of you naked wearing a pair of shorts. No, that was a... I'm not going to do that. But me and a couple of Hello Kitty gibbets on the side. Yeah. Would you wear those England supporter cropped cargo pants with them, though? No. Never. OK. Don you wear those England supporter cropped cargo pants with them though? No. Never.

Okay. Don't ever ask me that again. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. The thing I like about the Oprah going to the shops in her slippers is that apparently she's worth billions of dollars. Like, literally, not millions, billions.

And she's still got the common touch, because I don't wear slippers in the house, but sometimes if I'm going to the corner shop, I'll put on some flip-flops. You'll put them on to go out. I'll put flip-flops on to go to the shop. Billions of dollars, but still can't paddle up the fridge. See, and I was castigated for saying stubs.

I'm allowed wearing oppressed people. Ladies. That happened to me. When I first started to do well in comedy and started to make a few bob, I realised why posh people go to posh restaurants. Why? Ridiculously expensive restaurants. Well, because I carried on going to the same places I used to go to.

But obviously I had more money. So I'd go into KFC and spend four times more than I used to. And within six months I'd put on about four stone. And I thought, I'm going to have to go somewhere more expensive where I can afford smaller amounts of food. So that's what happens. Poor Oprah. See, I can forgive someone with a garish shoe

because I think the shoes, the feet they're far enough from the brain that they've got a bit of their own independence like a separate commonwealth or something it's like if I'm France and they're Monaco do you dress down

intentionally for, let's call it a corner shop run I wouldn't dress down intentionally would, let's call it a corner shop run? I wouldn't dress down intentionally. Would you keep a tracksuit on? I mean, a man my age... Would you dress up for a corner shop run? If I'm out a man of my age in a tracksuit, someone is going to stop me and say, do you know where you are?

You know what I mean? It's going to be... I've had ambulances screech to a halt. So, no, I do make a bit of an effort on that front. And I'll never wear a baseball cap because I'm not American. No. Good rule. Yeah.

I think I feel very strictly about that. Nor are you an inventor of Microsoft. Oh, he pops one. Well, you say that, we'll see what the court case... Oh. I'd love it if it turned out you were. If I was suing Bill Gates. Strange story from Birmingham.

Frank, strange sayings. Jenny says, when I was a child and attempting to whistle, my nana used to say to me, a whistling woman and a crowing hen are neither fit for God nor men. I'm not sure what it meant, really, although I'm sure it was mean-spirited. No, I've heard that before. It means that if a woman whistles or a hen crows like

a cockerel should crow. It's like women doing what is traditionally a male sound effect. It suggests some flaw in their personality I think is what it means. I like to hear a woman whistle. We've had a little couple. Before and after.

Oh, my God. What? I don't like what that implied. What? I wonder about... I used to... I don't know if you know, I worked on one man and his dog for many years. Did you?

Yeah. And I met a lot of very lovely female shepherds. They're nice. Come here, come here. Come by, Glenn. Come by. Good bitch. Good bitch.

Come here, come here. You laugh, but there'll be dogs all over Britain going absolutely crazy. Near and right here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I'm taking us back into email corner. Do you need the jingle? No. Good. I don't need it. Shall we give you another jingle? Just because we've got jingles.

I feel it about my being. You'll like this one. Oh, I love it. Oh, I thought you were going to do the other one. Oh, I love that. It's a long one, this one, isn't it? Isn't it? You can start.

OK. Dear Frank, Alan and Emily. I'm really sick of this now. What's going on with this one? Interesting reaction. Is it an email or a bed? I've used a radio term there. Bed.

Oh, God. You're playing a bed. This is the most chaotic beginning to the email i just clicked a jingle and it took over the world turns out it's a bed dear frank alan and emily i had an interesting reaction to your discussion of 70s aftershave oh yeah this was last week. First, the pleasure of Frank's Demis Roussos impression, which reminded me of my mate's rhyming slang. We will live

In the 70s, they used to call convertible cars a Demis, as in Roof-Off. Blimey, that's a stretch, but it's not a stretch, obviously. I don't know what they called them. It's good, though. I like it, this was followed by the dark stain of shame as you moved on to the subject of aftershave.

It reminded me of my brief career as a 13-year-old thief. At that age, I became obsessed with men's toiletries, believing it to attract girls and turn to crime to feed my obsession. I like sex art, isn't it? The great smell of Brute and Brute 33, blue Stratos, denim, Aramis, with the sole exception of high karate, which was too disgusting even for my 13-year-old sensibilities.

I find that weird. I love high karate. Yes, we know. I used a converted Macintosh coat with special pockets for my nicking sprees and hid my stash in an old suitcase under my bed. Thank God he wasn't pursued by sniffer dogs. Might have been a lovely day out for them, wouldn't it? I had a special love of Brut33 hairspray

to keep in place my feathered mullet, which sounds like an ancient avian-piscine hybrid, but was in fact a haircut. And eventually my scent-based kleptomania was revealed when I was caught, thankfully, after about a month by my mother, finding the case and my crime spree ended for good. I'm so ashamed of my toiletry thieving that I never committed a crime again. I became a reformed, if slightly less fragrant, character.

Keep up the good work, Matt. Well, I hope Matt feels a lot better for getting that off his armpits. Fabergé, of course. Well, I hope Matt feels a lot better for getting that off his armpits, as it were. Fabergé, of course. I thought you were saying that like fabulous. I quite like it. Fabergé. It is that.

Fabergé sounds like a really good review of a Tintin book. That's great. It's good, that. I like to hear of someone going straight after a difficult youth. It's Fabergé. It's learning, isn't it? It's good learning. I went straight after a difficult youth. Yes.

Yeah, I said, get out. Never again, I said. Let's move on. I like the fact that he used a converted Macintosh coat, giving him a sort of evil inspector gadget kind of air about him. Go, go, gadget on. I like the fact that he used a converted Macintosh coat, giving him a sort of evil Inspector Gadget kind of air about him. Go, go, Gadget arms. Or Secret Squirrel. Get me that Brute 33. Do you remember Secret Squirrel? I don't remember.

Oh, I do. Oh, yeah. He was very private. Very private individual. Did he leave the show to spend more time with his family? I think he did, yeah. I think he did. What else?

I presume it's something that Alan's going to do because it's one of those long pauses when nothing happens. I don't think that's fair. Is it? Oh, maybe. Yes. Dear Frank, Alan and Emily, I'll do it. This is when Kat says to me,

were you really upset with the cockerel when I get home? Were you? And I say, no, I wasn't. As a podcast listener, I am currently... It's just like a little pull on the chain, that's all it is. I don't know if you've ever done any Arctic dog work. No, I haven't. You let one run random and you're all over the show.

Yeah. As a podcast listener, I am currently up to September 2010, so just very much enjoyed. This is the joy of the podcast, isn't very much enjoying jeggings frank were you yes very much enjoyed me too i'm still working my way through a box set of the lottery shows i don't find they've aged that well they're on dave if you're interested very much enjoyed tales of Kate Winslet's sorbet relationship with Lewis Dowler.

To see if Emily's theory checked out, I googled and see they only split this summer. Not sure this constitutes a sorbet relationship, but discovering her new beau is called Ned Rock and Roll brightened my day considerably. Right, back to the podcasts. Already looking forward to 2011. Hello Alan, by the podcast. Already looking forward to 2011.

Hello, Alan, by the way. I'm sure you'll be great on the show. Matt. Oh, of course you haven't arrived yet. I've not arrived. In September 2010, I was an untapped talent. I was, you know, the fun. You were fresh meat.

People weren't looking quite as much. Kind of, yeah. I was a bit more like John Travolta before Pulp Fiction. Can I just say, say Frank just FYI that wasn't a Sorbet relationship that was what I would call not finishing

the suit before the mains arrived that was that relationship Ned Rock and Roll what was your Sorbet he's quite brave bloke to call himself

Ned Rock and Roll do you think he's called himself it I thought you got your surname no I think he's chosen that one oh really

yeah if I went for Frank comedy wouldn't you think I was pushing my luck just a little bit I thought you got your surname. No, I think he's chosen that one. Oh, really? Yeah. If I went for Frank Comedy, wouldn't you think I was pushing my luck? Just a little bit. I thought, hello Mr Radio, it might be, but no. It worked for Carol Smiley. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I had a story that I was keen to discuss which I think might be a trifle amusing if you've got the right frame of mind towards it. I'm loving this as an intro. Screaming children. Screaming children flee cinema in terror after bungling staff show paranormal activity instead of Madagascar 3.

Oh, not Bungle from PlayScore. Yeah, that's what he's done now. You know, like Zamo's got a box office. He's Rainbow, wasn't he? Terrible voice for broadcasting. What? Who was? Bungle.

Which one was he? Was he the one who said... He was the bear. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who's the one that works on the meat counter and selfies in Kingston? Oh.

I think it's Geoffrey. Is it? Yeah. Oh, Geoffrey. I'll just have three slices of ham. Oh, no. Terrible. If there's listeners in Kingston now,

they'll be making a beeline for there to check out this fact. I think it was Kingston. It was somewhere around there. Somewhere. Well, anyway. I'm saying he's still there. So there was a bit of a mix-up, wasn't there? Parents are claiming that their children were left scarred for life,

which makes me think compensation claim pending. Well, I'm thinking it was Cineworld. They're probably thinking, oh, I wouldn't mind a few unlimited cards. That's what they're thinking. Free popcorn. I like one of the mothers who, according to the Daily Mail, said, it's enough to make

grown men jump, so you can imagine the terror in these young faces. She so didn't say that, a Daily Mail sub said that. There was one mum that said, the paranormal activity films are the scariest since The Exorcist. And you think, alright Mark Kermode, you're meant to be an upset

mum, not a film critic. I haven't seen these films, but when I read this story, I thought that'd be alright, wouldn't it? Because you'd be in the cinema and then it would go dark. And you'd hear... HE SINGS Then it would say, paranormal activity,

and you'd say, oh, no, this isn't the right film, off we go. But this woman says it opens with a blood-covered corpse going full pelt straight towards the camera. And I thought, you know, it's an old theatrical saying, leave yourself somewhere to go. You don't want to start a film like that, do you? It's true. You see, on today's show, I led them in root canal surgery,

I led them in a nice, gentle, domestic story, and then, you know, they're with us, they're up and ready for the masquerade paranormal activity, Farago. Exactly. Farago wasn't involved. No. That's Fargo. But Frank, this happened to me once.

Did it? When I was a kid, me and my sister were going to see Grease 2 in the Hampstead Classic, I believe it was. Michelle Pfeiffer? Yes. It's not a great film. Well, no, I'll tell you what's also not a great film, John Carpenter's The Thing,

which we walked into screen two by mistake. We realised quite early on when we saw there was a double-headed corpse being autopsied. And then we thought, this is quite fun and quite exciting. Because we would never have... I believe it was in 18. We stayed for a bit and then we were worried we'd get found out, so we walked out.

You weren't frightened? Oh, God, no. I've been acting with triffids since I was... Oh, God. I think kids are pretty good with scary stuff. I think it was just the outer context thing. You know, sometimes we come in here on a Saturday morning and there's a toilet roll.

Yeah. Now, I've got nothing against a toilet roll in a toilet. If I see a toilet roll in a normal room or a radio studio, I get a bit clammy. You know what I mean? It makes me feel uneasy. I don't think it's any of this more, and I'm very glad to say. There's actually, like, what seems to be special poles for it to sit on.

And I'm really, I'm not happy with that. So I feel what those children must have felt when they saw that. It was a great, can I just say there's a great quote from the management of Nottingham Cineworld who says, we are currently working with technicians to ensure this does not happen again. What's the nature of that work? Paul, don't do that again.

All right. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank that again Alright Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I'd like to read an email out that we've received This is addressed to Team Skinner I like it Sort of an Olympian throwback really

As a long time listener to your podcast imagine my delight at seeing the cockerel getting on a tram in Manchester as I was getting off. 1943? Yeah, tram. It's got trams. It's got trams, Manchester. I was about to say hi to the big man when I noticed that he was looking around in a shifty way. Was I? This got me wondering if Alan, like myself,

indulges in a bit of secret street theatre and sometimes pretends he's an undercover agent from a black-and-white detective film. I'd rather that than the alternative that he was doing an Osborne and bumming a ride without a ticket. Who does that, then? James.

Which Osborne was that? Oh, George Osborne. Yeah, George Osborne. Last week was sat in first class And apparently was on a standard ticket It was in the papers It was a really big story last week I remember it now

So, Cockrell I have once done that The first time I got the tram When it moved to my area of Manchester But then, I believe I talked about it on the podcast because I was sat on the tram without a ticket and there was a wedding that we're all getting married on the tram, on the Metrolink, so they all got on with photographers

and about 20 Metrolink staff. And it's just scared me. It gave me the heebie-jeebies. So I've always bought a ticket since that day. I feel like I should tell the learning curve. I think that's the second case of a criminal going straight. It is, isn't it? Except this one wasn't 13 when they had the epiphany.

True enough, true enough. But as for looking around in a shifty way, I mean, I don't know who this chap is, but perhaps he was staring at me and I just looked away because I thought, why is that fellow staring at me and i just looked away because i thought why is that fella staring at me you know i don't expect to be recognized i don't walk onto the tram thinking oh that guy's got dave and insomnia he's probably seen me on a panel game once or twice so i just assumed maybe the clocks were going back and he was watching i just assumed i'm incognito

you know well i uh do you ever do that though Pretend that you're in some sort of film or something? Oh, yeah. Constantly. I have a weird thing. I've never told anyone this before, but when I'm on the toilet... Oh, God! I pretend this is a proper big acting job,

not a casual job. Did you say this is regular? I always pretend that i'm being interviewed but i've been called in by a gangland boss and it's always a name he'll say to me um do you know dave wells and i'll always say uh no i don't know him i mean i've met him a couple of times and he'll say okay he's disappeared with some money of mine or some other such thing that he's done to this dangerous bloke and then it comes up that in fact someone's seen me with him that he's done to this dangerous bloke. And then it comes up that, in fact, someone's seen me with him and he was staying at my house for a couple of days

and I know him a lot better. And it's the same scenario every time. Me denying I know him and then the gangland boss gradually breaking me down. And then a flushing sound. And I'm out of there just before I get nailed to a garage floor. I can't explain it and I'm not sure I should have voiced it. But there it is. Wiles away a bit of time, though, doesn't it?

Exactly. I'm in there anyway. I'm honestly enjoying myself being terrorised by hoodlums. If the good Lord spares us and the Craigstown Rise, we'll be back again same time next week. Thank you so much for listening listening and we love you all. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.