The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Roots and Wings

Episode Date: April 20, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank, Emily and Alun are in full force this week! They discuss Frank's gig at St.Pauls, the Scottish Play, Em's detox attempt and whose made it on to The Times Magazine Influential list.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to be part of the show, text us on 81215. Or turn up. No, don't turn up. I know what happened last time. And you can follow us on twitter at frank on the radio or page me you know if it's if it's urgent page me by all means i'll switch that on actually it's just got it hooked on my belt or myspace you're a big fan of myspace myspace i like or

you can um linkedin yeah yeah yeah why don't you do that i've never accepted a linkedin yet You can, um, LinkedIn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, why don't you do that? I've never accepted a LinkedIn yet. Me neither. Nor have I. No, don't even ask. What happens with it? Emma, who used to produce this show, lovely woman, everything to live for. But please, stop sending me LinkedIn.

It made me go off her, and I love that girl. Yeah. Well, I don't think you've ever turned the corner after that, did you? No. Certainly, yeah. What happens if you do accept a LinkedIn after that, did you? No. Certainly, yeah. What happens if you do accept a LinkedIn? Well, then you're on it. You're LinkedIn forever. It's like being on some terrible cyber chain gang. Where they go, you go.

Also, you two are exempt. It's humiliating for celebrities to be on LinkedIn. What, you're going to be linked with Got Kwan? I appeared on a show with him once. Is that how it works? Yeah. So you two would have to be living with other celebrities. It's like Kevin Bacon's 15 stages of... Advertising.

Six degrees of separation. Credibility. Yeah. I never remember that. You know, there are some things you just can't remember. Took me years. Fatal Attraction, I could never remember the name. It was only by thinking Football Association

that I've managed to grasp it regularly. Really? Yeah. And I've been grasping it regularly ever since. Good night! The word acrimonious was the tricky one for me. You know when they say they had an acrimonious divorce and I always used to read it and think,

is that the good one or the bad one? I can't... Oh. Isn't it? There's just some people whose name I can... On people who I get mixed up with other people. Christopher Plummer, Terence Stamp. To me, they're the same person.

Yeah. I understand person. Yeah. I understand that. Yeah. And relax. Okay, so, here we go, for other ones.

That sound you can hear is me scratching. Get over it. It's early in the morning. I'll bet half our listeners are scratching as we speak. It's like being in that little gorilla sanctuary.

Yeah. Have you ever been in a gorilla sanctuary? No, but you have. And you had the extraordinary experience. Iuary. Have you ever been in the Gorilla Sanctuary? No, but you have. And you had the extraordinary experience. I imagine it's profoundly misty in there. Because they love a bit of mist.

They do. They love a bit of mist. They live for it. I saw it in the body shop the other week, buying some. Sorry. The one thing, issue I have, they're not very hard-bodied, the Gorilla. How do you mean? Well, they don't work out very much, do they?

There's a lot of excess flesh. There's that tyre in the corner. I've never seen them on you, but they must use it occasionally. No, they're very pensive, I find, at the zoo. They seem to sit and stare. And I've always been amazed at how similar a real gorilla is to someone in a gorilla suit. Yes.

Normally, an animal suit is nothing like... You see a pantomime horse and a horse. I mean, you wouldn't guess they were the same species. Yeah. But a gorilla is not that different from a gorilla suit. Yeah, I'd have trouble telling them apart. Yeah. And I have, but let's not talk about that.

You're not a proper zoologist, though, are you? I mean, they probably can. No, but you know what I know about theatrical costumes? Actually, he's something of a doctor do-little. He talks to the animals. Do you? Yeah, I do. I'm not saying they're terribly responsive.

Yeah, I say stuff like, Get under! Get under! Get! Put that! You know when they do that and the dog won't look at you, the dog looks round the side like it hasn't noticed you when you're telling them off. You ever get that with a dog and they won't look you in the eye? Well, our dog looks guilty. You come back in the room you're probably guilty oh the guilt

she's finished a cup of tea usually usually means that you've gone upstairs and then suddenly you come back down and your cup of tea's gone i did that how was it do animals feel shame no i'm intrigued do animals feel shame you know when cats fall off and then they look really sort of mortificado,

they look embarrassed, they can't quite meet your eye because they've lost... But they fall off. Or if they fall off a ledge or something and they land

and they wobble a bit, they look a bit like they've lost cool points. It's like that terrible moment at the end of gymnastics where it's all gone well and then just when

they did the landing, one foot goes slightly to the side and comes back in. They feel shame for that, don't they? Yeah, well I imagine a cat has got similar standards to live up to. Well, there's all those other cats waiting to give them marks, isn't there,

when they've done it? You know, they're all sort of... I think you're living in some sort of cloud cuckoo land. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What a week I've had. I went, I think I let out a bit of a teaser last week on the show that I was going to do St Paul's on Saturday night.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's your cathedrals tour. Yeah, I was interviewed not two foot from where Margaret Thatcher's coffin stood on Wednesday. Right by that central bit under the dome. Fabulous. It wasn't there, was it? It wasn't there. I was going to say, it's been a busy week.

God, I thought that was a coffee table. Would it be all right to put the water on? No, it wasn't there. And Alater you turned up. Do you remember we had an email last week from a couple who were coming over from Sydney for the weekend. Yes!

Yeah, they turned up. Ah! Yeah. Come up to me after and said, you know. In fact, they've emailed again. Have they? They said that they saw you on your church tour. Well, I wonder if they refer to the fact that he said,

he said, yeah, I'll listen to the show on a Monday morning. He said, and if it's good, I'll listen to it Tuesday and Wednesday as well. If it isn't, I'll just listen to it on Monday. He said that to me in a place of worship. Yeah. You know, he broke me like a reed. At least you finally got to meet one of the Sony judges. Yeah, exactly.

They didn't have come that far. Yeah, and they shouldn't have returned that dog mess I sent them either. You know, that was a gift. I'm getting angry about it as the days go on. But it was quite exciting doing St Paul's. I got a bit of a tour and stuff. He's got his tour. It's called Living on a Prayer, his tour.

That's a good title for a church's tour. I'm pleased with it. He's emailed saying, Dear Mr Radio, Miss Emily and Mr C, thanks for the advice on using the Space Town experience for my flight from Sydney. On Sunday we went to the Natural History Museum, the V&A and to St Paul's to hear Frank.

My memory of it all is Frank riding into St Paul's on a dinosaur dressed as Ziggy Stardust. Frank was wearing a suit. Oh, is that because he was spaced out from the jet lag? He was spaced out from the jet lag. That's what we spoke of, that thing. Well, either that or he was on prescription medication.

I get it now. No, I said to him, since I no longer drink, smoke or do drugs of any kind, sometimes I'll just take a long-haul flight to Sydney just to get high. Just for the buzz. Just to get strung out. Strung out.

Yeah. They seem like a very nice couple, I must say. He's pointed out to me as a PS, Alan Pencils are three for the price of two at Harrods. That's nice of him, isn't it? Yeah, but what are the price of two at Harrods? Exactly. I stay in a lot of hotels, I get free pencils.

Oh, price of this and that. Price of everything, value of nothing, you two. I wonder if you can get a snowstorm with the Dodie and Diana shrine. Oh, God. On it. That'd make a nice paperweight. Meanwhile, over in St Paul's, as they say on sex in the city so the sort of director of music is a very nice bloke indeed um he said i've just got to get chained get me cassock

on um which you never get for a normal gig no one ever says that no and uh he said uh i'll leave you in the crypt um so i was down in the crypt on my own. It wasn't that well lit. It was a bit frightening, but it's brilliant down there. Nelson is down there. Really? Oh. Duke Wellington, he's got a big tomb. Yes, I've seen his tomb. I've had a little poke around his tomb.

But my own particular favourite, Lawrence of Arabia. Oh, he's there, is he? And he's got a little bust, which I've always liked. Yeah, just's there, is he? And he's got a little bust, which I've always liked. Yeah, just a little bust of him there is. That's what you do, isn't it? And any more than that. It struck me, you never get people anymore

who are somebody of a place, is how they're known. You know, they used to be like Clive of India. Oh, yes. Frank of Birmingham. You know, they used to be like Clive of India. Oh. Yes. Frank of Birmingham. You don't get them, do you? Montgomery of Alamein. Can we call you Frank of Birmingham? No, you can't. Oh, please. That would be good. I'm not actually from Birmingham, either. I'm from West Bromwich. Frank of West

Bromwich. Jenny from the Block is about as close as you get nowadays. Yeah. But why not? Is there anyone now who's known as somebody of somewhere? Prince of Wales. You're right. Yes, you're right. Royals, that's nowadays. But is there anyone now who's known as somebody of some way? Prince of Wales. You're right. Yes, you're right, royals, that's it. But Prince of Wales, his name is not Prince, is he?

No, it's not. If Prince was known as Prince of Wales... Prince of America. That would be a geographical error of some note. But that's the kind of thing I mean. I can't think of anyone. Is that today's texting? Yes. No, I think today's texting? Yes.

No, I think today's texting should be, what's the most exciting celebrity grave you've visited? Oh, my God. I think that's fair enough, isn't it? What about do animals feel shame? Well, we can have both of them running. Do animals feel shame? There hasn't been an avalanche of response to that so far.

But most people, I think, have visited an exciting celebrity grave, and I'd just like to know, because, you know, I might go and visit myself on the strength of. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've had a few exciting celebrity grave tips. We've had various texts in, actually, according to the many strands that we've already got running. Somebody's texted in Jan Venegor of Hesselink,

which I think might be an answer to your question of the names. Oh, people are now off somewhere. Oh, actually, it's just come in again. He's a footballer. Oh. There we go. Is he? Yeah.

Is that the club he plays for, though? Or is that his actual name? Someone said, dear Frank and team, Jan Venegor of Hesslink, footballer, Neil Edinburgh. Neil Edinburgh? Is that another one? That's another one. And we, Celebrity Graves, people have visited. Neil Edinburgh is the new religious push that they've got on in Scotland. Get everyone back to church. Snappy poster campaign.

That's going to be, no, that's the Edinburgh leg of your tour. Yeah, exactly. The cathedral's tour. It has been in the past, I'll tell you that.

Oh, I hated those days. Much prefer a castle. 972, I went to see Noel Gordon's grave. Oh.

It was at Ross-en-Y Is it really at Ross-en-Y? After visiting findagrave.com No That's an interesting chap Not genuinely a website for such things is there? No, I've visited several celebrity graves I went to Edith Piaf's grave

What's that big cemetery in Paris Where Oscar Wilde is and stuff? I think, oh yes The Pierre Lachaise Cemetery. Yeah, it's something like, something like, and it might be, but anyway, I went there, and somebody puts, every day, somebody puts a fresh lily on the grave.

Oh, on Oscar Wilde? That's it with gay men, you see, they like a routine that's Oscar Wilde is there covered in lipstick that's Del Winton

who does that I heard a rumour every morning yeah what the lipstick on the Oscar Wilde it's the Eurostar 966

Charles Darwin and Isaac Newton buried in Westminster Abbey in a lovely religion slash science juxtaposition cracking graves and big celeb names to boot. Charles Darwin's got a tyre.

Funnison, hanging on a rope. Has he? Yeah, for us all to play on in our early days. Marilyn Monroe, Westwood Cemetery, Los Angeles. I bet she's one of those that doesn't have a monument. If there was a monument, we'd have seen it wouldn't we marilyn monroe probably yeah yes annie i visited phil linus not annie no i thought she was a fictional character we can't do fiction can we i visited phil linus grave in dublin oh yeah thin lizzie not a fan but happened

to be around i love that i love the passing traffic at the celebrity grave yeah didn't even mean to go just stumbled across it as well i used to live next door to carl marx's grave he was a child yeah we played in around it often you did imposing figure it was yeah i don't think it's life-size that head howard wilson's grave onies. Lovely seashells all around. Harold Wilson, who did it? No, Howard. Howard Wilson. Howard Wilson, not Harold. No, it must be Harold, because Harold used to holiday in the Sillies.

All right. It's a mistake. It's a typo. Apologies. Yeah. Six, four, nine. Yeah. Well, I'm loving it. I'm so glad.

Can I, on the subject of death, which I don't think is discussed enough on commercial radio. Exactly. We were looking at, I'm looking at houses at the moment, you know, because we need, I need to get a garden. Expanding the portfolio.

I need a garden for the boy, you know. Yes, you need the jumpers for goalposts. You've got to have, they need a bit of, they need a garden. Anyway, we were looking at some places, and Kath said, I've looked up this place on the internet. Kath is my girlfriend. I looked up.

She said, and it's on the site of a mortuary. Oh, God. Don't fancy it. And I must admit, it did put me off a bit. When you say on the site, what, in the grounds? No, it used to be a mortuary. Oh, God. And I said, yeah, that might freak me out.

I said, but hold on, you don't believe in, you know, you're an atheist, you don't believe in anything, so why does that bother you? She said, I think there might be bacteria in the soil. Might be good for the soil. It might be. Could be great for the garden. I hadn't thought of that. It could be. Could be great for the garden. I hadn't thought of that. It could be.

Maybe it's worth a think after all. We can... That'd be true. Save us a fortune in horse droppings. Yeah, exactly. I don't know how much they are now, but I bet someone will send in a letter saying, no, if I want to buy, say, £56 of horse droppings,

what's that going to take me back? That's what I want to buy, say, £56 of horse droppings. What's that going to take me back? That's what I want to know. We've got a couple more celebrity grave visits. 837, Billy Butlin's Shrine in St John's, Jersey. Very elaborate grave, worth the walk to see it. Oh, Billy Butlin, of course, was... As in Botlins? Yes, who used to employ me for a couple of summers.

Is that right? Yeah. I was Lurch. Did you used to? You were Lurch? My nickname was Lurch when I was a redcoat, so... God, that's so cruel. I've signed more autographs as Lurch

than I have as Alan Cochran. Did you? Yeah, cos kids like... What, four? Eh? Four. Lurch, in case you don't know, was the butler in the Addams family. And I am a man of a certain height and corpse-like appearance.

I wouldn't say corpse-like, but you're a little bit frightening. Alan, you might be known as Lurch of Butlins. Maybe. Yeah, that would all work. That'd be very fine. Yeah. Yeah. Any other celebrity grave visits?

Yes, somebody's texted Evita Perron in Buenos Aires from Susan in Cambridge. That's good. I hope she didn't cry. Probably. Because she's been expressly forbidden not to. 464, Frank, I visited Rod Hall's grave in Adelston, Surrey. I'll tell you what would terrify me about visiting Rod Hall's grave in Adelston Surrey I'll tell you what would terrify me

about visiting Rod Hall's grave you know that moment in Carrie when the hands come through it's Emu suddenly

coming up oh god and dragging you in I hope he has a little grave next to him oh that would be lovely I think Emu's still

working though isn't he is it one of those when someone someone's inherited Emu like they did with Sut think Emu's still working, though, isn't he? Is it one of those when someone's inherited Emu, like they did with Sutty? Emu adopted a sort of keep calm and carry on approach. Exactly. Emu started his own band.

Yeah. Well, you learn a lot on this show. We also had a text in that I wanted to read to you, but I now can't find, because more people have been texting in other things, which is irritating. Yeah, so stop doing that. Yeah, everyone's stopped for a minute.

Just keep cluttering things up. Don't put them off. Somebody texted saying, Frank, people still do that, but I didn't know what he was referring to, so if that person could tell me what he was on about, I'd be interested. Frank, people still do that. And again, someone's just texted, um, my dad paid. What's that? Well, certainly not, texted, my dad paid. What's that? Certainly not my dad.

What can people explain? Or mine. What can people explain what they're talking about? That would be easy. That's not from Hugh Grant's child, is it? I mean, we've got to let that incident go. That's what I think. Keep going on about it.

What? Donald Duck is buried in Bishop Burton Graveyard East Yorkshire. Not the Disney character, but it always makes the children... Oh, not the Disney character. No. Oh, I thought obviously it was the Disney character. But that sounds like there's an actual Donald

Duck, a Mr Donald Duck. Yeah. You wouldn't have thought that, would you? No. What are the chances of that happening? That's what he said, apparently. That was his last... Oh, man. The duck family are listening.

Our thoughts are with you. So, meanwhile, over in St Paul's, did you enjoy your tour? It was great. Was it? It was a good house. Did you have a warmer packed on? Well, what would happen is that we'd talk for a bit,

and then there was a singer and a piano player, and they'd do some bark. Singing, you say? Oh. Oh, yeah. And then there'd be like a poem by Thomas Merton. Nice. Reading from the Bible, with me in between.

Right. I'm doing some gigs this week. I'm thinking I might incorporate it as a general structure. Did it pay well? It was free. The collection? No, there wasn't even a collection. They could have had a collection. I never thought about that.

Yeah. But, you know, I didn't make any bones about it. Certainly not in the crypt. And then I went, also this week, I went to see The Scottish Play, as it's known. Macbeth. I've said it. Oh, James McAvoy. James McAvoy was in it with the blue

eyes. Is that the one where he had stage wage? Yes. Yes, someone filmed him or something. And he hates being filmed. That film star. Yeah. It's one of his worst things. I felt sorry for that punter though. There's nothing worse than being told off by a celebrity. It film style. Yeah. It's one of his worst things. I felt sorry for that punter, though. There's nothing worse than being told off by a celebrity.

It's awful. Well, I, um, it's very in the round. They're very close. I think some of them probably got a bit splattered, because it's one of those with a lot of blood knocking about. It's a lot of blood. You know, people, some people do them at Beth and they think,

let's get the blood out. It's a very male sort of. And for me, too Scottish. Too Scottish? Bang! The Scottish play was too Scottish. It was. It was too Scottish. I mean, you can see how they've gone that way. James Macbeth, too Scottish, Frank Skinner. What were they doing, eating shortbreads?

No, they were talking Scottish. Talking Scottish? You sound like a person that's read Trainspotting. Do you know what I mean? They were saying, Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow keeps on, let's pay a piece. And you think, don't do it like that, it's too Scottish.

It's Scottish. It's a Scottish play. So what? So what? So what? Well, so what? All right, do it Welsh. Do it in our theme if you want. Have you ever heard Hamlet say,

to be or not to be? That is the question. He doesn't do it Scandinavian. Yeah. You know, get the Moor of Venice saying, well, where's my lovely Desamon? Just don't do it like that. Oh, I like that.

So Scottish. I blame McAvoy. He's come in and he's thought, this is my chance to be Scottish because often in films, you know, people don't want it. Are you suggesting it's his Martin McCutcheon moment? I think it's his moment when he thinks he's going to get back his, you know, his... Was it modern dress, Frank? It was, I'll tell you what, it was modern.

Because I don't like Coriolanus in a T-shirt. It was sort of homeless chic. It was, it looked like there'd been, it was sort of post-nuclear. Everyone was in... Oh, right, yeah. Everyone was very shabbily dressed. Oh. Shabbily dressed and too Scottish, Frank Skinner.

Very male. They were very physical. You know when you drive past a school and there's kids outside sort of wrestling? Yeah. And one always looks like they want to and one always looks like they don't really, they're being picked on.

They were like that. The actors were like that all the time. Oh, right. Like wrestling and shoving each other about. You know what he's upset about? No cloaks. Oh, yeah. I don't think there was a cloak in the whole thing, actually. Because they don't like

a cloak up there, let's face it. Kilt, they like. I don't think there was a kilt either. Was there a dagger? Surely there was a dagger. Oh, God, there was a dagger. You know, there was a dagger, but I was a dagger it was meant to be you know there was a dagger but I was damned if I could see this is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio we've had a lot of celebrity graves coming in Frank some great ones 890 famous graves visited

and they put famous in inverted commas which I like whilst visiting local area russell hearty in giggleswick yorkshire buster buster merrifield wow in verwood new forest these are like real modern ones aren't they the soil has yet settled on these emeline pankhurst in west brompton in our house. There are always fresh flowers there. Kath put those there.

No, Kath and her sister were writing a... Oh, yeah. ..a sitcom based on the suffragettes. Right. And then one come out. There's one out now. Oh. So it's a lot of work wasted.

Oh, yeah. I don't mention the suffragettes in our house. If you think of the many odd and wondrous taboo subjects that are in the British domestic home, there can't be many where the votes for women movement is so sensitive. On your outburst regarding

seeing the Scottish play and it being too Scottish, we've had a text Hi Frank, don't watch the film Kez you'll find it too northern. I thinkz. You'll find it too northern. From Graham of Kingsbury. I think we know I'll find it too northern. I haven't seen it yet. I've seen Kez and I know what he means.

But, Kez is a film set in the north. I'm fine with that. But Shakespeare, people, the whole point about Shakespeare is the universal truth. So you don't want to make it too specific. Yes, you're right. I've got nothing against the Scottish.

I'm very happy to watch Brave, you know, and it be Scottish, that's fine. But, Beth, leave it alone. OK. I also went to the cinema this week to see a film, the name of which I don't remember, but it's got pines in it. It's got the word pines. Oh, that's the Ryan Gosling. Yes.

Yeah. Any good? Don't have a film where the title is so long it's not memorisable. The Place Beyond the Pines. Because your word of mouth is. Is that what it's called? Yes. OK.

The Place Beyond the Pines. Yeah. It's about, what happens is a boat works in Ikea and he's sacked and he leaves a fish in one of the stores to stink the place out. Oh no. And it's about the search for this, where the smell's coming from. Where the place is. Oh no, spoiler alert. Well I didn't say, I'm not telling you what the conclusion is.

But we know the fish's place. But, yes, exactly. I know a few of us know our place. So, I went to see the pine. Place Beyond the Pines. Place Beyond the Pines. And it isn't really set in Ikea. No.

Oh. I made that up. It's at Ryan Gosling, isn't it? Oh. Who apparently his father's buried in that cemetery. Oh that's Donald. Anyway Ryan Gosling. Lovely.

Do you think he's handsome Frank? I think he's handsome in a dead before he's 30 kind of a way. You know what I mean? He looks like he lives the wild life to me. Oh lovely.

I don't know how old he is he might be over 30. I don't know. It might have He looks like he lives the wildlife to me. Oh, lovely. I don't know how old he is. He might be over 30. I don't know. It might have been make-up, but he looked a reckless character in this. It was... But anyway, before we went in, I went up for me popcorn. Did you? Yeah. Bob Geldof loomed out the shadows.

So, was he in the shadows? Hank Marvin. He'd have been a dishevelled figure with them in their lovely dog tooth check suits. Anyway there's a bloke ahead of me and he said I'll have a bar of

green and black is it called? Oh organic chocolate. Fair enough I suppose. Quieter than popcorn. And he said I'll have a glass of Chablis. What? Oh. And I mean, fair enough.

I realise they sell wine in this. He had trainers on. A man in trainers drinking wine at the cinema. You're worried he's going to break into a run after his glass of Chablis. I love how easily outraged you are. I am outraged. I said to the person I was with in forehearing of this man,

you know what, I've just realised I hate wine. I really hate wine. You know when people say, oh, I don't drink much, have a glass of wine with a meal. Well, why do you do that, you idiot? I hate it on sort of dating sites

and things when they say, like hobbies, I like to curl up on the sofa with a glass of red wine. Yeah, I do that. That's not a hobby, you're an alcoholic. They're not alcoholics, that's what I hate. If there's one thing I hate, it's people who drink in, with great reticence, a glass of wine.

A glass, what good is that? I mean, it tastes horrible. We're only doing it to get drunk. Have a bottle of wine. Speak for yourself. Anyway, he had his glass of Chablis, and I made a big point of saying, large popcorn, large popcorn, please.

And I said it in a tone which said, like you should be ordering in the cinema, which will take two minutes and we're done. And the bloke says sweetie or salt i thought don't drag me in on this sweet obvious did i say sweetie there yeah i've got a friend who's um he's a very keen freudian and he says every mistake you make like that is relevant every hesitation everything you say is if you look at it it's real, so I looked at Alan and I just desperately wanted to say sweetie, I have to live with that

I'll take that I love you This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text us on 81215. Please do. People have. Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the radio. Or if it's an emergency, page me.

It's all. I've had nothing. If you're looking for evidence that people do use the text in facility, we've had one from Connor Clark. Hi, Frank Cockles and the lovely Emily. How's that working for you? Connor Clark's quite a name, isn't it? Yeah.

Like it. The jury's out as far as Cockles is concerned. Cockles, yeah. It's taken you from poultry to seafood in one move. You've got a surf and turf on us. A surf and turf. Surf and turf. Cockles. You've got surf and turf on us. I'm going to be a surf and turf bug. Surf and turf cockles.

Victoria Wood's TV appearance this week prompted a discussion at work. Do they live on turf? Poultry? No. They're more gravel. OK. Surf and gravel. OK.

Surf and barnyard. During this, a younger member of staff said he didn't know who Victoria Wood was. I was amazed. But nobody else seemed to find this strange. In an attempt to find out where the knowledge of the existence of Victoria Wood cut-off age was... That's a great piece of research right there. I asked a cross-section of people, Do you know Victoria Wood? Sadly, nobody replied no but thanks for the tip in traditional Frank style.

I still said it in my head each time and laughed in homage. FYI, I discovered that the knowledge of the existence of Victoria Wood cut-off age is 22. Love the show, Connor. Really? That's astonishing. Two-year-olds don't know. But Victoria Wood, it's not like Victoria Wood stopped. She's ongoing.

Yeah, she's still... Sarah, you're about 14. She's not in my rearview mirror. She's in my passenger seat. Sarah's heard of Victoria Wood. Yeah, how old are you, Sarah? 24. 24?

Yeah, but she doesn't break the cut-off point. No. Are you familiar with the Mutant Ninja Teenage Pines? Are you familiar with the mutant ninja teenage pines? Are you familiar with the Crimea War? Exactly. We should ask if there's a 21 and three quarter year old listener. And if you are that listener, then text in if you've heard of Victoria Wood or not. Let us know.

Well, I've said they won't be listening because they won't have heard of me. Do you think? It's not the same thing though, you know, National Treasure, mind you, so she... She is a National Treasure. I'm in the holding pool of National Treasures. I'm on the bench. I'm warming up. I might never get a game, I accept that.

Victoria is a stalwart in the defence. Right. Okay. We need to talk about Justin. Yeah, I was looking at my watch. I thought, it must be Bieber time, too. Justin time. He's almost becoming friend of the show.

Well, not so much friend as he's that awkward boy that lives next door. Yes. Who we say hello to, but sometimes he says hello, sometimes he doesn't. But you've got to make allowances at a difficult age. Difficult age, yeah. Yeah. He's been in a little hot water this week, hasn't he? Because he visited...

He looks like he hasn't been in hot water for some time. He needs a bath. I think he looks all right, doesn't he? He looks... I love your shot of him with no shirt on. Brilliant. Yeah, yeah. Brilliant.

I know. I was disgusted. It took me an hour to download that. Dialogue. Did you have that white thing at the top of the page coming down? It used to be in the early days of internet. I got the rainbow of shame. I did think to myself, if I had a bod like that,

I'd have my shirt off all the time. I love you using the word bod. It's like bod. Yeah. The bod's beautiful. I should have incorporated it into the celebrity graves. For example, Emily, I might tell you, dear reader, has been away for the week.

And it's a lovely retro situation where someone with a tan has been away rather than just been to the tanning shop yes it's a genuine you know i i i am of an age when people had a tan it meant they'd been away or they'd been in the garden they just hadn't just been sprayed or they're unemployed now you used to find when people came back to work they would wear white for the first yeah week and often i mean they just wear their pants well i'm sorry to let you down no but people still time people people did everything to show it off and that's all he's doing he's got a great bod he's you know he's 19 he's getting yeah i'm fine

with that what's your opinion of him in the S&M community by the way, Viva? I think he needs a good hiding. I don't know if there's any doubt about that. I mean, he got into trouble this week. Now, was this fair? Well, so he visited Anne Frank's house in Amsterdam. That's nice that he did that. Yeah. That shows an

interest. That does. But where he got into trouble was when he wrote in the guest book so what he said he said um anne frank great girl i thought great girl was a bit disrespectful well and then he said hopefully yeah hopefully wrong use of hopefully actually means with hope it's a verb but anyway okay hopefully it's 19 i know but grandma always hopefully she would have been a believer yeah now this is this has not gone down very well you're not just in the snm community but elsewhere you're not concerned that he misspelt believer are you because that's one of his things he does that on purpose yeah no it's the i think

the suggestion is that it's rather disrespectful isn't it well you see i'll tell you what i think i think he's he's a nice lad justin deep down yeah you know what you know what justin has done he's done a beautiful thing because he's responded to anne frank as a sort of fellow young person yeah and he's seen what he's humanized her again what do we see we see anne frank as some icon of tragedy we see it only in relation to nazism he's seen her as a young woman and what if she had had that life where she could have been a believer and lived a normal life like teenagers do it would have been a beautiful thing and he's hit that nail absolutely on the head and i respect him for that you know what he's done he's hit that nail absolutely on the head, and I respect him for that.

You know, when he's done, he's done something that no-one else managed to do. He has rescued, rescued Anne Frank. Good old Justin. That's what I say. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were mid-Beba. We were mid-Bieber. We were. I mean, we've had quite a lot of correspondence in the interim.

Have we? Yeah. What, county interim? I think we should have, I just want to say, 984, Frank and all, I'm 21 and a half and have never heard of Victoria Wood. I hope that helps. That guy who worked it out at 22 has got it spot on. That's the cut-off point.

That's Paul in Edinburgh. He also heard Alan on another radio show this week and thought he was quite funny. Alan's got other work. Sorry if that's too much like praise. Alan's on the posh station. But this is how it starts, isn't it? You know, you do a solo album, the next thing you know,

there is no Girls Aloud. Oh, right. OK, it's, you know... You've got to let them... You can't hold on. It's like, you know, the bird on the... If you have the bird sitting on the palm of your hand and you keep your hand open...

Oh, is this your real Kerrigan? Yeah, it might stay. If you try to hold it tight, you'll get it. I like to think you give us roots and wings as a boss. Thank you. Yeah, I do. Roots and wings. It's a bit like surf and turf. Except it involves root vegetables

and poultry. Roots and wings, I thought you were just looking through my car CDs. There we go. I'm rough. Excellent work. We've taken roots and wings and we've flown oh marvelous bieber bieber he got in trouble because he uh he tweeted a picture did she speak german and frank or did she speak dutch because she was born in germany and lived in holland i don't know but you're looking at me as if you expect me to know that. I thought you'd know.

It's your Slavonic look. I mean, I've read it, but I don't know. You see, I read it in English. Because if she spoke German, she wouldn't have been a Belieber. She'd have been a Bebelieber. Bebelieber? Yeah. I wonder if the German ones call themselves

Bebeliebers. Oh, I wonder. Oh, I love that. Ich liebe Beber. Oh, I wonder. Oh, I love that. Yeah? Ich liebe Bieber. That's what I'm saying. Ich liebe Bieber. I really hope someone's sampling that for a techno track right now. Yeah, exactly. Ich liebe Bieber. If they aren't, they should have, but the moment's gone.

I really wish Frank would go to Dr Johnson's house and write, I think he would have been a skinnerette. Oh, yeah. Yes. Because I think he would have been a skinnerette. Oh, yeah. Yes. Because I think he would have been. I don't know. Anyway, I'm with Justin on that, as I say. I don't think he said anything bad there.

OK. I think it's nice. He's responded to her on an emotional level. I know, but you guys keep going on about this. Because he's a teenager. Oh, stop doing this. He's only 19 thing I've told you. What?

Well, it's no excuse. I've told you Bill he's a teenager. Oh, stop doing this he's only 19 thing I've told you. What? Well, it's no excuse. I've told you Bill Gates found a Microsoft. I've told you Alexander the Great already at that point. Well, he was some sort of emperor. Yeah, but there was more scope. There was less rivalry in those days. Less people about. If you had anything about...

Are you suggesting that being king of Macedonia was low-hanging fruit? Yes. That's what you seem to be suggesting. Which was quite a problem in those togas. Oh, hang on. I think we're going to have to change the whole game. Hi, Frank, I'm 21 and a half and I know who Victoria Wood is. Is this abnormal for me?

No. You're just a bit... He's the exception. Can I tell you why we're safe? Because John says, and I know who Victoria Woods is. Ah, well, there you go. You think, you know. He means someone else.

Yeah. I mean, the joke doesn't work. Do you know Victoria Woods? No, but... Oh. He's ruined everything with his see my ignorance. See, he's got some kind of a see my ignorance. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Let's do the live version this morning. Email corner. Yeah. Let's do the live version this morning. Email Corner! Yeah! That's so sleazy. Sinatra-esque, I thought. Well, actually, before we head to Email Corner, 773... No, listen, you'll like this. I had an idea for a TV show where Frank tours graves

of people from the light entertainment industry. Oh, we'd like that. You do? With a sheep on a lead. Oh, we'd like that. You do. With a sheep on a lead. Oh, yeah. It would be called Frank, You and Good Night. Oh, yeah. I mean, I like it, but he could have got Hugh Bonneville.

We wouldn't have needed the sheep. Well, funny you should say that, because Lewis from Kingston says, The sheep just needs to be in a couple of shots to justify the title and would not be part of the central narrative what about thanks for that um that's a good note that's actually i feel much better about it now about the whole project yeah if it was me hugh bonneville and sir alan sugar row in the atl Uh-huh. Then it would be Frank Hugh and good night, because he's a good knight. Knight with a K.

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's put that to bed, hasn't it? And now we can sashay over into email corner. I'm not going to sashay. I have an email. Hi, folks. After re-reading Frank's autobiography...

Re-reading? Yeah. Result? Yeah, yeah. I wondered why he didn't go along the normal route of giving it a title, which included a big pun, seeing as he loves them so much. You do love a pun. I do love a pun, and most people do go for a punning headline.

Yeah. And not headline, title for their memoir. Yeah, I believe Sid Little of Little and Large fame, headline yeah also not headline uh title for their memoir yeah i believe um sid little and little and of little and large fame i believe his autobiography it's my favorite little by little yeah that's excellent that's excellent well you could borrow ian bothams you know it's one of my favorites what's that don't tell cass yeah also um alan ball the football, his was It's All About a Ball. Oh, yeah. It's All About a Ball. Oh, very good.

Brilliant. Quite hard working, that one. Yeah. Charles Bochum, My Lifetime in Football. Less good. Yeah. But he was an early, it does what it says on the tin kind of guy. Yeah, exactly.

I mention him. I'm reading that at the moment. It just came to my mind. Are you really? I am, yeah. Spl mention it. I'm reading that at the moment. It just came to my mind. Are you really? I am, yes. Splendid. I'm reading it a bit late. It came out in 1950. The email continues also, what would Emily and Alan call theirs, if and when it's written.

I like if and when. I remember when I wrote that biography, there was much talk with the publishers about, you know, frankly speaking. Oh, being frank, frankly speaking. Oh, being frank. Being frank. Yeah, yeah. I'm surprised you didn't go for being frank. Skin and blown, someone suggested.

I said, keep it. Come on, keep the party clean. I wasn't going to. Least the cover. But in the end. I can imagine the meeting where someone said, what about being frank? And, oh, I bet he didn't like that. I'll tell you what they do say, the cover. But in the end... I can imagine the meeting where someone said, what about being frank? And, oh, I bet he didn't like that.

I'll tell you what they do say, the publishers. I remember this conversation. What we need is you on the front looking friendly. And if you look at the covers, I've written three books on all of them. One I'm holding a flower, one I've got a couple of dogs with me. You've got the Hound of the Baskervilles on one of them. Because this is what the publisher said to me. They said, because men, they don't really buy

books, men. But what happens is that women buy books for men. So if you look friendly on the cover, women will buy it. That's a simplistic view of women who read books, retail,

photography, cover work. Anyway. You have missed out on the puns, though. Yeah, I did. I'm writing a new one about my radio career called Sony Yet So Far Away. That'll be good. We were talking about celebrity graves. Tosh Lyons from The Bill, in brackets.

Oh, yeah. Grave in Ashbourne in Peak District from Chris in West Morling. Good to know, innit? Oh, it's so disrespectful calling him a character's name. What? Was that his name in the...? Yes, that's the character's name that's not the man's name that's not what it says on the grave in westmoreland on the grave it says you know that tosh lines from the book oh yeah yeah oh no i think he'd be glad to be remembered it

shows that his performance was so good people took it as a real person yeah on mine it'll say alan brackets the cockerel cochran and then underneath it'll just say, that guy that was on Absolute, you know, on Saturdays with Frank. Well, it'll say Jason the Asthmatic, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, God, there's going to be a lot of chipping for that guy to do, isn't there? Oh, God, and then he's got to spell asthmatic right. You never get it wrong in marble, that's my slogan. And I want all my IMDB credits.

That won't take too long. No, it won't take that long. Gareth has emailed us. He says, I'm running the London Marathon for Sense Charity. I'm a lifelong Albion fan. That'll be West Bromwich Albion, he means. Yes. Who'll be proudly wearing replica shorts on the day for good luck.

I've trained across the snowy winter listening to the podcast. I'll be setting off on Saturday morning to London. Saturday is coming today. On the 20th of April. Therefore, I'll miss out on the podcast as I'm running in the 21st. The podcasts have been great to train with, although I did nearly fall down a manhole one week. Well, I hope he's booked a hotel in advance

because it's the 20th of April and generally speaking the capital is absolutely crammed for Hitler's birthday it gets very busy just so you know things like Pantor and Coke is more expensive in London so don't want you coming up here

complaining about the prices I should think his bag will contain a couple of my mum's cola no but don't complain about the price of the compas. He's running the marathon. He's probably pushed the boat out and got like a Lucas Aid energy drink, hasn't he? Can you do a boat in the marathon now? Push the boat out.

You can do all sorts. Deep sea diving suit. We should say that our very own Tanya Snogs. Snogsy. Absolute Snogsy. Yeah. As she's known on her, I believe her Twitter handle is.

Wow. I'm actually wearing an absolute Snogsy at the moment. And I must say, I'm like a bit of toast. Purple, obviously. The Snogsy. Yes. So good luck to her.

And she's been trying in for ages and she's been training for ages, and she's been coming in every week and telling us her progress, so we're all rooting for her. Rooting, but not sponsoring. That's my approach to the London Marathon. OK, encouragement, emotional, not fiscal. Yes.

OK. Frank, just FYI, a lot of people have heard of Victoria Wood. I should think so. 033, dear Frank Emelianana, my 16-year-old daughter regularly watches Victoria Wood of her own choice and has done for some time. Can I make it absolutely clear? You know, I see Victoria Wood as a genuine British comedy giant. I do.

I think it's outrageous that anyone under 22 has not heard of her. And I'll say, as I've said to you many times, these are the people that confuse the word history and the word memory. It's that even if you're not, what you should know about Victoria Wood, that's my advice to any youngsters listening, Google Victoria Wood immediately, and you'll see a whole new world of comedy. And also, you might discover the Purdy Cut,

which will then take you to the very golden age of Joe Adler. J. Lou. Yeah. So, you know, once you start clicking, why has it got to stop? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You may recall that I was booked in for a medical. Yes. It's been on my mind. Well, you're too ill to go to it last week. Too ill to go last week, but I made it this week. It doesn't bode well, though, does it? I thought I'd better give you my results. Apparently the old cholesterol's up a bit.

Is it? It's a worry. 5.5 for anyone who cares. 5 is supposed to be the ceiling. Is it? So I've gone through the cholesterol ceiling. That's not good. You're dancing on it, Lionel Richie style.

I am, I am. And then the news, the news was, the way the woman said this to me, she's a very nice woman who did it, she said, it's a simple thing to deal with. Stop eating red meat, confectionery, butter, and switch to like sardines, seeds. I mean, seeds. Suggesting you're some sort of Ibsen character. When you go out for a steak, do you want the steak, Frank? No, I'm going to have a plate of seeds. I want some seeds, please.

Some bread and margarine. Can I swap this for a perch? Have you got a small mirror with spit on it I can stare into? So that wasn't great, but I'm working on it. It's high in some foods that you don't expect it to be, though, isn't it? The cholesterol. Yeah, you know so much about nutrition. I think it's in prawns. I think it's high in some foods that you don't expect it to be though, isn't it, the cholesterol? Yeah, you know so much about nutrition. I think it's in prawns. I think it's high in prawns, yeah.

Oh, no, I had a pint this morning. You had a pint of prawns on the way in. Oh, God, at six in the morning. I knocked them straight back as well, shells and all. I'm still picking the legs out. Did you have no Mary Rose sauce? Where do you stand on that? I mean, it is ketchup and mayo.

Why do they come in pints? A pint of prawns. Why do you stand on that? I mean, it is ketchup and mayo. Why do they come in pints? A pint of prawns. Why do you buy a pint of shrimps and a pint of prawns? It's a weird thing. And you get some pints and they actually come in a pint glass. Yeah, yeah. I was in a place that did a pint of sausage rolls. They've taken it too far, haven't they? That can't be right.

Was that the home of Britain's Fattest Man? It was in the cafe on the South Bank, the BFI cafe. They didn't have a pint of sausage rolls. They did have a pint of sausage rolls. BFM. Some of the letters had fallen off. I was so hungry the other day, I had a yard of prawns.

For a bet. Quite hard to get that, you know, that big ball at the end. They don't come racing at you. I went on a detox recently. Wouldn't that be great? For a bet. Quite hard to get that, you know, that big ball at the end. They don't come racing at you. I went on a detox recently. Wouldn't that be great? Oh, if you had a yard of prawns. You know that bit where, when you have the yard of ale,

the beer sits in the bowl and then it comes racing down. When you saw all the prawn racing towards you, it'd be like the beginning of time, wouldn't it? Civilisation, the moment we left the sea and headed for land. Be like a knight in a burning inn. And of course that, that'd be scampi. Oh yeah. I like scampi. I'm going to, did you say you'd... I went on a detox.

Hold it, hold it, because I love this kind of thing. Health chat. Detox, I once met Mel B and she'd been on a detox, covered in spots. She said, sorry about me and she'd been on a detox, covered in spots. She said, sorry about me spots, I've had a detox. It's like the poison

coming out of me. Oh dear. And, uh... She likes a late night as well. Does she? What, Sir Alan Sugar? I know, it would have to be someone who's dead for that to really work with me. I think, who's a dead, who's a... Sir Anthony Blunt.

Sir Walter Raleigh. He'd do. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You've detoxed. I went on a detox recently. I was keeping my... You look lovely.

But a tan, a tan does... I think it's the tan. Well, it's funny you should say that because I've been living a terrible life recently. I'm sorry. I was at this stage keeping my organs pure. That was the point of it. Okay.

And it was a serious detox, Frank. I mean, it was no sugar, no wheat, no processed food, no dairy. Whoa. No alcohol, no caffeine. No fun. Well, funny you should say that. No dairy. Whoa. No alcohol. No caffeine. No fun. No friends. Well, funny you should say that. If you've took the alcohol thing out of that, that'd be like life in Soviet Russia.

If you'd have added black market cigarettes. Yeah. That's really extreme. It was hardcore. What do you eat? I can't think of what's left. Very little. Oh.

I was. Everyone said to me. That was his second autowork. Well, I was. The reason I was everyone said to me that was his second auto-workout well I was the reason I was doing it I was meant to be training with the most expensive trainer in the world

but I think he dumped me what? you got dumped by a trainer? I think I did well he just didn't turn up you were sat there in your PE kit in an empty gym

I filled out my Sgenaise I filled out he felt my glutes and and then he dumped you shortly afterwards isn't that the way I filled out my Sgenaise, I filled out- he felt my glutes. Steve And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you.

And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you.

And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped you. And then he dumped No way. I mean, I was strict about the detox, but my life... I used to sit there looking in the mirror and I thought, my skin looks great, I look thin, and then I'd think, oh, I've got four hours to kill, what do I do? I've just stayed in all night saying I look good. Oh, no, it's... That's my life. Yeah, it doesn't sound too bad.

No. But, no, I don't recommend a detox. Well, who is this trainer that he thinks he can dump Emily Dean? That's name and shame. Well, he just stopped returning my calls. Does he bill himself as the most expensive trainer in the world? Is it the Stella Artois approach

to advertising? I think I'm, maybe, I don't know. That's terrible. Speaking of training, by the way, I don't know if I mentioned it, but I'm currently reading A Lifetime in Football by Charles Buchan and he

when he played for Sunderland they had quite a strict trainer and Charles Buchan used to smoke as many footballers, this would be like in the early 20th century 1912 and he used to smoke cigarettes and he said our trainer

he was only like, he was a young lad, he was like 18. And the Traynor, he said, Ah, Traynor had a real aversion to cigarette smoking. He said he took me to one side and he said he laid down the law about it and presented me with a pipe and an ounce of tobacco and said, Try this, it's a healthy alternative. Those were the days, weren't they? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us at 81215 or you can follow us on 81215. Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. You might be able to get me on my Scion. Is it Wi-Fi enabled? I don't know if they had Wi-Fi then.

They were. Yeah, so. You needn't text us about... What I wanted to... Pardon? I was going to say, you needn't text us about the things that are already running, like, you know, what celebrity grays you've visited, or, you know, we're moving along, aren't we? Do you know, a few weeks ago, we were trying to work out a joke from Beef Wellington about the horse meat crisis. We've just had a text in.

It's on a Construct one. We've had a text in from 394. Because Far Lap, the famous horse, part of him is in Wellington, I think. In New Zealand. So I knew there was the ingredients of the joke, but I couldn't find the recipe. 394 text in.

Is that Beef Wellington they're eating? No, sir, it's hors d'oeuvre. Like an hors d'oeuvre. I think we're still searching. But I like the fact that it's taken about three weeks and that's still the level that we're achieving. Can I just say, any joke that requires one of the letters to be

in parenthesis, I don't think it's working. Yeah, I blame the parenthesis. Sorry, 394, I did my best for you. I think that this, this, the Beef Wellington joke, might be, you know, occasionally on Countdown there's a mathematical thing which just cannot be done. Like Fermat's last theorem, but of joke form. And Rachel Riley says, well, you know, she gets a...

She says, oh, it can't be done. Frank, can I admit something? You know, we were also talking in earlier text-ins about do animals feel shame? I felt real shame earlier, and I've got to admit that. There was a cheese commercial on one of the adverts, and I started dancing, and I did voguing, and I banged into my microphone.

That's all right. It was awful. I don't think there's any shame in dancing to the laughing cow. My friend broke her leg when she was dancing to the George and Mildred theme tune, and it feels a bit like that. I thought you were feeling shame because you were dancing to the cheese commercial, and it's not allowed on your detox.

Oh, OK. Oh, yeah, you can only dance to commercials for rice. They don't advertise much. You do get Uncle Ben's rice occasionally gets mentioned. Yeah, I don't know if they do much rice advertising. What about, did you say no dairy? No dairy on the detox. What did you miss most, would you say?

I think the dairy would kill me. I missed, really, I think what I found hardest was bacon, bacon bits. I love a bacon bit. Bacon bits? But apparently, that's verboten on this diet. Oh, it would be. Yeah, very much. It's processed. I missed my meat.

Processed, saturated. You know what I miss most? Non-kosher. It's got everything against it. I miss life, is what I miss. Life? Yes. Well, I don't know about that.

It's all right. I think the big yoghurt would be a problem for me. You know, the big yoghurts. Yeah, you know those big tubs? You can have those. They're healthy, aren't they? I thought so. What are you talking about?

Where are we now? Oncon or Mullerise? No, like the big ones that are fruity. Yeah, that sort of thing. A strawberry one of those, I can eat the whole thing. The full big tub. I think they're all right. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I gave up sweet things for Lent, as you may know. Did you? And the thing I missed most of all was I went to the cinema a couple of times. And I have to have popcorn at the cinema. I just have to. Did you go salted? I had to go salted. He had a glass of Chablis, I heard.

But the salted popcorn, what a waste. How did you find it, Frank? It would have been a lot cheaper to have just sandpapered my lips. It's vile. Yes. Vile muck. So, this week,

when I went... Vile muck, I think I went to school with. Yeah, I was. German guy, I remember him. He was alright.

Very musical. I, when I went to see The Pines, The Pines, this week... You've got to talk about this, because someone did text in about that. It was so long ago, I can't even remember. But they've said, Frank, why haven't you filled us in yet?

You're still waiting to hear it. I was telling the story to tell you about the man who bought Shablay in Trainers. The film, I don't like to... You know, the film, I didn't... I don't like films that don't have aliens in them. Oh, God. That's a trouble. And there was some that...

You know, I'm not one of these people who says things like, well, that would never happen, would it? I'm not like that, but I did at this film, because it was very sort of realistic, and then there were some plot things, and you thought, get out of it. I said it once, people stared. Also, two hours, 20 minutes, come off it.

First thing I hadn't done for ages, i went to the toilet mid film yeah did you when you see i thought that is verboten as well i would never do that well i would that was it i hold it in but i was on the scene i was holding it in but i'm 56 and i did think to myself i was i thought i need to go to the toilet. When do I pick my moment? And then there was a couple of big plot things happening. And I thought, what if I'd gone then? I'd have been in the right quandary when I came. That made me more anxious about going. So I might have missed something that made it...

But you'll be like my friend who went to the toilet when he said the name's Bond, James Bond. Oh, no. He can't enjoy the film then. Did he go to the toilet or did he just go to the toilet There and then Shaken and not stirred This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio Oh we've all got Bananas in our mouths I don't I haven't got any We've got banana cake In our mouths Daisy the producer Has made some banana bread That she's a bit shy about giving out.

Banana bread? Is that what it is? Isn't that what it's called? Banana bread? It's gone a bit last day of term. Mufti. I love Mufti. It is a bit like that.

Did you do Mufti? Since we didn't get the Sony nomination, I think we've just sort of to hell with it. We're having a picnic. Do what we like. Yeah. I like it. I think our readers are coming with us. Yeah. Are they? I think we should form Yeah. I like it. I think our readers are coming with us. Yeah.

Are they? I think we should form some sort of commune. We can find a place. Oh, no. Okay. Yeah, and we'll have our own awards. I'm immediately worried about her. Clothed or unclothed?

Are we paying subs on the commune? We can live in a forest for free. Well, that's what this is getting to. Us, the S&Mm community unclothed we can we can well i'm worried about the ties body paint obviously which we'll make from crushing beetles um but also we can have that we can have an award ceremony we can we can spray some pine cones gold yeah that sounds classy one of my best ever comedy snapshots i was in uh i was in california on holiday and they have they have pine cones they're big as footballs and the photo is me

holding a pine cone robbing my head in a sort of comedy style i love it that sound was made punching with the joy of the joke. We've had a text on Big Rich Batley. I think it might be Big Rich, Batley. Oh, sorry. I like the sound of Big Rich Batley. Isn't he a local gangster? Oh, dear.

I visited Jim Morrison's grave at Pierre Lachaise. Me too. It was covered in marker pen and lipstick scrawlings. Sorry about that. And there was also half a bottle of JD. You know there was half a bottle of Jack Daniels when I went there and that was ten years ago. That must just dwell there.

That's because you left it there. Lots of cigarette ends. Not over impressed with it, says Big Rich Batley. I went to Serge Gainsbourg's grave. Yeah. You get two for one there because Samuel Beckett just down the road.

Well, his remains were dug up, weren't they? Ten yards away. Whose? Serge Gainsbourg. Weren't they? It was a paternity issue. Yeah, I believe so.

Anyway, that's covered in cigarettes, that grave. I know, but it was a long night. I'm loving the... Don't judge me. Okay.

I had nowhere to sleep for the night. I'm having a banana bread. It's great. I think you should have peeled it. Do you know what? It's given it something of a Great British Bake Off feel. It does the whole show. It's all gone a bit Hollywood.

Poor Hollywood. Is banana bread allowed on detox diets? No way. No way, Jose. Why not? It's healthy. Well, on the detox, bananas are the devil. What?

They're the Katherine Jenkins of the detox. No. No, no, no, no, no. You can't rule out fruit. I won't have it. I don't think it's healthy to rule out fruit. I like that you've taken your top off and got some trainer's white shirt on, suddenly. Yeah, I've got a bit jimpy.

What about this commune? It won't put itself together. I don't know about the detox, though. Why can't you have bananas on the detox? I don't like the tone of urgency and aggression in Frank's voice when he's talking about the commun though. Why can't you have bananas on the detox? I don't like the tone of urgency and aggression in Frank's voice when he's talking about the commune. What about this for a sort of a smooth FM kind of a texting? It's the strangest

link we've ever done. What would you not want to give up? What's the last thing you'd want to give up? For me it's courgettes. Courgettes? No it isn't. I tell you what I'd give up courgettes now for no reward

that's it, they're given up do you think I'll miss them? no I'd find nuts hard they are quite hard you should try them with the shells off oh hash your monkey

bless you oh it's the little things in life Ash or monkey? Pardon? Bless you. Oh, it's the little things in life. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We're giving things up.

People are going to text in about that. Lots of people have let us know. They won't give it up. The hardest thing I'd find to give up is a bacon sandwich. Yeah. Brackets, mini eggs would be a close second. Bacon and egg sandwich. 540, I wouldn't give up spring onions.

That is all. What? And I wouldn't ever meet you. That is all. No, you don't like that. Did we ever sort out the... Didn't I say that spring onions can grow 10 centimetres in a night? Did you? I thought I'd said it on the radio, on this programme, and... It sounds very...

Not on my watch. Maybe it was one of my dreams. Do you think I want to let that past? You know, I dream about the Absolute Show every night, so I think we've done millions of links. I dream about spring onions every night. Apparently they can grow really quickly during the night, yeah. I've heard that.

I live in hope. I live in electrolysis. I like a spring onion. I sometimes, you know when you get a small spring onion, I'll use it with my Action Man as a leek. Yeah, nice. That is a fun game. Although I think I'd find it fairly easy to give up spring onions.

I don't think that would be that difficult. Would you? I'd rather give up mini eggs. Yeah, what, the chocolate ones? I tell you I don't like the cream eggs. Oh, don't you? Oh, no. Oh, why not, Frank? It's like someone's encased dog saliva.

And I don't think that should ever be done. No. I won't have it constrained. Anyway, sweet poops I'd find easy. Do you know what we haven't addressed? You know we were a bit blue about the Sonys. Let's be honest. We got beaten by Kate Lawler in the nominations. God bless her. Amongst

others. Yeah. David Cameron. I mean a lot of others. Spare a thought for David Cameron. I often spare a thought for DC. Well he was snubbed as well. Oh in the. By Time Magazine. In the Influentials. They do the... Make everything sound

so West Brom. I love it. It was the 100 most. Wasn't it? And Christina Aguilera made it on. She's influential. Yeah. Is she still influential? She is, yeah. Also I noticed her category was, it was her and Jennifer Also, I noticed her category was,

it was her and Jennifer Lawrence, both under the category artists. Yeah. Now, I blame your American idols, your ex-factors for this. Artists, right, they wear smocks, they hold easels. Got very firm rules about this in the Scottish play, haven't you? No, I just don look like Claude Monet basically I don't want to look like Christine Aguilera called an

artist she's a singer artist paint right yeah you're right the artist they'll say yes she's a really fabulous artist no so anyway but she's one of the most influential. As you say, Jennifer Lawrence. Kim Jong-un. Kim Jong-un. Who's turning into one of my obscure crushes. Is he? He's not very obscure.

I've always had a thing. I love him. The hair is lovely. It's that hair shaved at the sides. Do you like it? That looks great. So do I! Do you remember that? Shall I go for that next?

I need a haircut. Who was Kim Jong-un? Your hair's looking smoking hot. Shall I take a picture of Kim Jong-un in with me? Yeah, say do it like this. I've got a friend who's a mod who always has a picture of Paul Weller and he takes it into hairdressers and shows them out and says, I want a version of that on this.

Maybe I'll just have a little... Maybe I'll have a picture of Kim Jong-un. I'm going to come in next week with a Kim Jong-un hairdo. That'd be fun. I think it looks... It won't make great radio. It looks great on women, that hairdo. That'd be fun. I think it looks... It won't make great radio. It looks great on women, that hairdo. Yeah?

Who was that woman? Do you remember there was a... Grace Jones. A prison warden. No, she was a pop singer and she was in a band managed by Malcolm McLaren and she appeared naked on an album. Her name was Annabella Bow Wow Wow.

Yes, that's right, Bow Wow Wow. And she had that shave thing looks fantastic good knowledge i'm gonna get it done this afternoon i get it done i look like a returning world war one veteran but that's not a bad look i might i might not do the crotch this time yeah i wish that'd be a british i don't the british magazines doing an influential because a lot of the people I just haven't heard of at all. There's some Brits on there, though. Heat magazine probably do one. It'll be Stavros Flatley or something.

Yeah. I like him. Daniel Day-Lewis is on there. He's on the list. I've become obsessed with him. Is there a book about him? I'd like to read more about his methods. Really?

Yeah. Can't they have some good people on there? You haven't heard enough about his methods. Well... Can't they have good people? I'd like to see, like Martin Jarvis. I'd like to see him. I used to spend two hours getting into character before I went to Smethwick Supplementary Benefit Office.

Three weeks in a row for Smethwick. I was tortured soul desperately searching for work. Oh, fine. That was the part I played. Oh. Rather than... For a while.

Rather than... Rather than local layabout. Yeah, a hammock-owning, non-working book reader, which is the truth of it. You had a hammock? I had a hammock for a short time, yeah. How did that play in Birmingham? Doesn't strike me as a big hammock area.

No, well, you know, most people were at work, so they didn't know. I had three and a half years sabbatical. I'd like to thank any taxpayers who were listening. I must say I've paid it all back in, I would have thought by now. Yeah, I would have imagined. But even so, I think it's all right,

because I was on the dole, but I lived like someone who was on the dole. Did you? And that's very unfashionable now. The idea is now you're on the dole, you live like someone who's got an 80,000-pound-a-year job. Yes. And no, I didn't like that.

You've got to go with the flow. Yeah. Anyway, Lee Brillo, that's who I would have put on the list. Who's Lee Brillo? Lee Brillo is no longer put on the list. Who's Lee Brillo? Lee Brillo is no longer with us, sadly. I like his pads. He was the... Yeah, I've scoured the country for them.

Oh, is that what it is? Is that what this is? No, it wasn't spelt like that. It was... He was the lead singer with Dr Feelgood. Oh. Now, I'm not saying I was a massive Feelgood fan. Back in the night, it was a truly great single.

But he was the first man I saw who wore a suit and tie and looked kind of cool with it, rather than just like an office worker. And that's had a major influence on you nowadays. Well, I've now recently adopted the thing of always wearing a suit and tie. Even for the most... If I'm just going out to write and then going home

and having an early night in, I'll still wear the suit and tie wow every day partly because as I've explained before when you do a TV show and you wear a suit

you get to keep it and the tie so I've got like about 80 suits and 126 ties I might as well wear them how many years have I got left

have you recently done an inventory in your wardrobe there's so many it's just like a suit and tie exhibition my wardrobe so I'll just wow that's so now i just wear that i've taken the decision one thing i'm i i'd like to actually to get some readers advice on this how long can you wear a suit before it needs dry cleaning forever if got 18. The fact that you're asking makes me feel a little bit illy.

No, I don't mean suits. I mean a suit. Oh, just the one. Because the first time I decided I'm going to wear a suit and tie, the first suit I wore for six weeks. What? Now, is that too long before you get it cleaned? Yes.

About five weeks too long. No. Bear in mind, I was wearing stuff underneath it. It wasn't that Frankenstein monster that I was talking about last week. Don't do it, stop. No, it was... You weren't doing... Can I just ask one question? I beseech you, please tell me that you weren't doing a maidly underneath.

No, no, I was complete... You know, I was very much pants and shirt. I would like the readers... I was very much pants and shirt. But... I would like the readers... I would like to know the average. I would like to know, how long can you wear a suit before you have to get it cleaned?

That was my... I'm saying no more than four times. Oh, get... Do you think I am made of money? Don't answer that. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Well, we've had an extraordinary text in. I can't even bring myself to read it.

Go on. Do you want me to read it? Cockles, you do the work. I mean, I'm in a similar situation. I have a suit that needs dry cleaned, I think. I think it's on the cusp of needing it. But we've finally got resolution on how long you can wear them. Frank, I wore the same suit every day for two years without getting it dry cleaned.

Oh! In fact, I've worked in an office for ten years and don't think I've had any suit dry cleaned. I think that's it, we've done it. What, did they just dissolve in the end? Sounds like it, but I reckon I've got about another... Is that from Pete Doherty? Eight and a half years of my suit.

I don't need it dry cleaned after all, it sounds like. That sounds fine. That sounds... How could you wear it every day for two years? But it's not coming into contact with any of... Well, what shall we call them? With any of the dirtier parts of the body. I'm going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt

and assume that he changed his shirt and tie just for his colleagues to have something else to look at. Oh, we never mentioned the shirt. I mean, I'm sure he changed his shirt. Yeah, but... Tie, I bet he didn't. Did it start getting that horrible... the Charlie Sheen? Oh, yeah, the Charlie Sheen. You know the Charlie Sheen it gets on it, where it gets very shiny, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does. It does get shiny. Especially the black suits. The trousers. Men can... there are some shops that sell you a suit with two pairs of trousers and one jacket, aren't there? Is that right? Yeah. See, I have thought about that. I've thought, well, the trousers are in more of a danger area.

Maybe I could get them dry cleaned and then keep the jacket until next time. Exactly, exactly that. I didn't realise these... Because I only used to wear them for special occasion suits. Yeah. And now I'm thinking life is a special occasion. Oh, yeah. Wow.

You are very deep, Suits. 537, I always thought that if former 90s England cricketer, spin bowler Peter Such wrote an autobiography, it should be called Such's Life. That's from Dave in Western Supermare. Well, there's still time for him to write one, aren't there? That is a good title.

It's worth changing your name to such. And we've also had an update on the Giving Up Foods morning all I couldn't live without peanut butter. Smooth or crunchy? I'll tell you why I asked that because I used to be extremely pro-crunchy and then I went to get

crunchy one day and they only had smooth and I thought, well, I'll have to make do and mend. I liked it better. I haven't gone back. Really? Yeah. So if anyone's thinking, I don't eat Crunchy, well, just take a leaf out of my book and have a go with Smooth.

Might even move on to salty popcorn, Frank. Oh. Yes. I'm going to go to the, I'm going to take you to the cinema and I'm going to give you a mixed bag. No, I don't like a mixed bag. To me, salty popcorn is people who are thinking,

well, I'd like some popcorn, but you know, it's a bit fattening with all that sugar, so I'll have salty and that'll be a bit more healthy. They haven't read that book, The Killer Salt. Oh, OK. Popcorn should be sweet. The salty popcorn is an aberration.

You know the one that Bob Geldof stole off you, or you stole off him? Yeah. Was that salty or sweet? It was certainly sweet until he touched it. I think he has a fine layer of salt deposits over his own butthole. He doesn't change his suit. No, I think he wears three or four at a time. And then he just takes them off like a Russian doll.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what, we haven't exactly had a lot of... I feel we've neglected the corner. We have. Shall we end the show with some email? The Muller Corner. I thought you meant the Muller Fruit Corner, which again I love.

This time I'll do the Paul Robeson. Email corner. Nice. Just FYI, Ian Teddington, or in Teddington, how often to dry clean suits, I've decided eight days is the maximum. Eight days? Yeah, I did six weeks. He puts you two to shame.

I did five and a half weeks. But he then says, each day I arrive home, I have a tally chart to record how often each suit is worn. No. I have no idea why I dry clean after eight days. See, I'm not prepared to. I'm going to wear it until I think this needs cleaning, and then I'm going to wear the next one.

Oh, that'll smell nice. Well, at the point it actually stinks, you will decide to clean your clothes. Stinks is a big word. I still think if you've got 80 suits, Frank, you could wear them a couple of times each, put them back, forget about them. I can't believe you've got 80 suits.

And then the next time you wear it, it'll feel clean. I've got 40. But even if you had 40, I think you could wear them two times in a row put them back and then forget and the next time it's like having a brand new suit no because never wash again what it is i haven't really i haven't done much filing on my suits for a long time so what i'm wearing the suits and i'm thinking yeah i like this suit i'll it, then I'll get it dry cleaned, it'll come back, I'm keeping it. I might wear a suit and think, you know, I'm not sure about this suit. When I finish wearing it, I'll just treat it like a disposable contact lens and put it down the toilet. That sounds...

You've got a massive toilet, though, haven't you? Well, I'll empty the pockets first. Well, Brett Jarrell says... I've got a shredder. I could shred suits I don't like. Brett Jarrell says, in the 80s, the guy in our office wore his suit so long without cleaning that we all used to sing behind his back,

Shine on, you crazy diamond. Presumably because it was all shiny. Because it was shiny. See, that would have been a traffic hazard on a day like this with a low-lying sun. Maximum four occasions to wear a suit, but standard three wears. That's what someone's saying.

A guy I knew, most of the time, he lived in Halls of Residence University with a guy who had very bad BO. And he wrote, pretending to be the guy, he wrote to Odour eaters, asking if it was possible to make him a suit out of the odour eaters material. And they wrote back and said it was very difficult with seams and all that. And the guy was really upset.

He had no idea that he smelt. If you know anyone who smells, why not resolve now to tell them? Because, you know, at the end of the day, you're doing them a favour. OK, you might have lost a friend, but they've lost an odour. OK, I think that'll do for my sort of... I still haven't told you about my holiday to Sri Lanka. Can we do it next week? Well, I'm going to tell you.

It involves a CEO of a major airline company. Right. It involves a Dalek and a handsome pilot. As all good stories should. Yeah, that sounds fabulous. OK, I'll look forward to that. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.