The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - School Trips

Episode Date: December 10, 2011

Frank, Emily and Laura Solon reminisce about their school trips and discuss Alec Baldwin's recent outburst.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! Guten Morgen, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Emily Dean, and I'm with Laura Sower.

One boy. Everybody. Two little girls. Oh, and if you want to text us about anything, we're on 8-12-15, as ever. Did I tell you I tried to remember that the other week and couldn't remember it? What, 8-12-15? I tried to just remember it when I wasn't in the radio room, I was going to call it. I think this is the radio room.

Why some people have a utility room. This is my radio room. There are no white goods in here. It's like the high dependency unit. Well. In many ways. I'm not going into there. And didn't you used to have a loyalty card then?

Right back at you, my friend. Oh, dear. It's nothing like a slightly sordid past. I don't know these people, man. They should have just lived a good life. It's terrible. Apart from Richard Bryars, of course, of just living a good life. It's terrible. Apart from Richard Bryers, of course, who did live a good life. He's a very lovable man. As winter kicks in, I think it's fair to say, I've, let me tell you, something has changed in my life, which is something I've fought and been proper anti for many years, is I've started wearing socks in bed.

Embrace it. I've been doing it for ages. Yeah, but I've always thought, you know, occasionally I've thought, it's really cold, I'm going to leave my socks. In the middle of the night, I think, oh, I'm in the grip of my socks. And I felt really restrained and horrible. And it always worries me because I don't have a specific bed sock. I leave on the socks I've had on all day. I was going to ask you, Frank, are we talking hand-knitted Peruvian or silky Bruce Forsyth? No, I'm talking about whatever I'm wearing that day.

I just leave them on. Free socks you can have for an airplane. Yeah, but the problem with that is I think that my body, because I've still got what I would call my street socks on, my body thinks I'm still operational. So I'm often waking up, you know, in case I might be crossing a road or something. Is it like a policeman going to sleep with their gun?

Is that what they do? Well, in the movies, the American police sometimes sleep with the gun. Is that what they do? Well, in the movies, the American police sometimes sleep with the gun by their bed. There was rumours that Geoffrey Boycott, the cricketer, used to sleep with his cricket bat. Under his pillow? I think in a fond embrace. I have my Stuart Broad bat

near my bedroom. That's quite small, isn't it? I don't know. I'm not familiar with the varying sizes. You couldn't bat with it, isn't it, there? I don't know. I'm not familiar with the varying sizes. You couldn't bat with it. Isn't it like a... No, it's a proper bat. Oh, it's a proper bat.

Yes. Oh, I thought it was an ornamental. Is that as a security measure? No, it is a trophy. A trophy. But the brilliant thing is, if you did take a burglar to pieces with that cricket bat, you could say, well, I had it on display.

It wasn't set up as a weapon. That would be fine. You'd be fine with that. He knows all the loopholes. So, Frank, well, I had it on display. It wasn't set up as a weapon. That would be fine. You'd be fine with that. So, Frank, what does Kath make of this? Well, you know, she hasn't even... The thing is, Kath started going to bed about half nine at night. So when I get in, I can't even put the light on.

So I don't know if she's even noticed the socks. I think the socks are a low-level contraceptive, aren't they? If you wear socks in bed? Well, it depends where you wear them, I suppose. I wouldn't trust them completely 100%. Can I say to our listeners,

we're not saying that that is an effective method. Maybe if you combine them with one of those waterproof boots, what the pensioners used to put over their everyday shoes. Oh, yeah. But I don't know about you, I don't like a contraceptive with buttons. That's what Cinderella said to me anyway. But, Frank, I do sympathise. I feel the cold very deeply, very deeply.

I have been known to sleep in a toweling bathrobe. Oh, no, I hate that. I have been known to sleep in a toweling bathrobe. Oh, no, I hate that. I've been known to do that. If you're cold at night, you can't sleep. Sometimes the tracksuit bottom and top. I don't like... I've tried to sleep in hotels, because hotels are horribly cold, and always, as I've said before on here,

the duvets in hotels are a public disgrace. Scratchy. Yeah, they talk about broken Britain, but they never mention the duvets in hotels are a public disgrace. Scratchy. Yeah. They talk about broken Britain, but they never mention the duvets in hotels. They're absolute rubbish. One of the causes of the riots. They're so light that often I've had to tether them just to keep them on the bed.

They will float like smoke across the room. Duvets like Gulliver. Yeah. And so I have slept in the robe in a hotel, but I don't like that. There's the knot of the belt. It falls, and it's coarse against the skin, that level of toweling.

It's not fluffy. And then it gets hot. And I don't know if you've ever had logo nipple. But often the embroidered logo on a robe, the back of that will take the end off a nipple. I warn anyone, if you're ever thinking of running the London Marathon, don't do it in a hotel robe. It's that kind of advice that makes this show not only comical,

but also valuable. Absolute Radio, Frank Skimmer. I was just talking about the whole bed sock thing. I think something else I've noticed, which is great about a bed sock, they don't turn on you the way a hot water bottle does. I thought you were going to talk about Kath there. No, but you know you get a bed with a lovely... Actually, a hot water bottle over the course of the evening is not unlike a long-term relationship.

It's hot at first. It's hot, too hot It's hot. Too hot. Too hot to cope with. And then it gets kind of warm and snuggly and then you relax into it. You wake up in the night, it's like ice. And then it has to be kicked out of bed.

It's as simple as that. Now, I... Lovely. Yeah. Socks don't do that. Socks, they're consistent. Yeah, they keep you warm. They stay there.

Okay, I'm getting those red lines around my calves, they're not really going away, because all I'm doing is replacing them with another sock line. So it might be a little higher or a little lower. Occasionally I'll wear a woolen knee sock. That's why you never see page 20s in a sock. Yeah, if I'm doing a swinging 60s photo shoot, I'll wear a knee sock, I'm not ashamed to say that photo shoot, I'll wear an e-sock.

I'm not ashamed to say that. Whilst about to kick a football. Yeah, exactly. I've told you that I do that in bed. When I roll over in bed, I imagine that I'm receiving a pass down the wing and I turn to beat the defender. I turn to receive the ball and then I roll over as if I've...

Does that make any sense? According to 811, morning all aesthetically challenged footballer Peter Beardsley famously always slept with a football under his pillow. That doesn't sound credible. No, that was his head. I don't think you could sleep with one under your pillow could you i think you could sleep you could certainly sleep with a football uh i've slept with people of a not dissimilar

shape to a large medicine ball and and loved it can i say that you see frank i'm not a big fan of the male foot in general feet in general they attractive. No, I like a lady foot. Okay. But I just don't think the male foot works. It's not very aesthetically pleasing. I don't like the upper thatching on the toes. No.

I don't really have that much though. I think all the hair is leaving my body starting at the feet. I'm having that sort of Duncan Goodyear thing. I didn't fall out of a tree. You know, he fell out of a tree and all his hair fell out. In case you don't know, Duncan Goodyear used to be a famous swimmer. Completely hairless.

Do you think the hair on your feet is like watercress, and because you're keeping them in the dark, away from the sunlight, they're not growing? That's a thought, yeah. And it's're not growing. That's a thought, yeah. And it's just dying out. That is a thought. I'm happy with that. That's something to think about.

What I've done on a couple of nights is I've changed into clean socks to sleeping because I thought the street socks, is it right? But I always go for white. Street socks. I go for white socks if I'm putting them on, especially for bed. A sports sock? Yes. Yeah. That was very too lady

to say that. A sports sock? We've categorised socks. I'm going, to be specific, I'm going for a white ankle. Is it a trainer sock or does it come out? No, no. I don't think that would give me enough warmth. I'm worried about that. No. As the winter gets colder I might just sleep in trainers.

I mean, why don't people do that? Oh, I don't like that. You're going to wash the sheets anyway. It's a bit burglar, always on the run. Yeah, you're quite right. It's how I imagine the guy from One Direction sleeps with Caroline Flack. Right.

As if some sense that her husband could, even though she's not married, just at that age you must think that surely a grown-up will come and shout at me in a minute. I believe the One Direction fans refer to her as that grown-up. Or they can be bitter, I'll tell you that. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, I'd like to talk to you about a story which,

well, I rather like this, which shows me in quite a bad light. It was about schoolchildren getting a little bit upset. It made me laugh, I'm sorry. There were these kids in Cambridgeshire and basically the school had decided, they were primary school kids, the school had decided to take them on a trip to see local wildlife

or so you would think it turned out to be a wildfowlers trip so it was essentially they went to see ducks being blasted out of the sky and shot and splashed where was it? you sure it wasn't the Duchess of Cambridge?

hasn't she taken to the gun yet? they all have to take to the gun all have to take to the gun. They have to take to the gun on Boxing Day, I think. I think if you join the royal family, you have to be prepared to spread some feathers. All these kids, so they saw a duck shoot. Yeah, and they were all crying. Oh, I would have.

Parents complained. Was it just that the fair didn't turn up, so they had to do it live? Well, no, the headmistress said they have to go up and down on a little conveyor belt and they have to hook them out of the water and you want a real bear maybe it was really posh kids being traumatised by the fair

the headmistress Shirley Stapleton doesn't have an age normally the Daily Mail has an age I wouldn't want an head. Normally the Daily Mail has an age. Shirley Stapleton, 43. I wouldn't want an Ed Mistress with initials like that. Go on, carry on. She said it was an annual trip which helps pupils make informed decisions about country pursuits. She also said it was rural and normal.

As if there's an option where it's rural and not. I must say, that's a Venn diagram where the two circles only just overlap. There's no Venn. I say, lighten up, kids. We had to do some awful things.

We went to Hereford Livestock Auction. It was one of my favourites. What did you learn from that? I don't know, but clearly a proper trip had fallen through, don't you think? Disneyland Florida was too expensive. We'll have to have something animal-themed.

Cattle market, that'll do. Let's go buy a bull. A coachload of eight-year-olds to Hereford Livestock Auction. I suppose it gets you used to the nightclub lifestyle that you're heading for in your late teens.

I went to the Three Counties show, which was a very similar thing to that. Oh, I watched that. It's in Evesham, is it? Yes. The Three Counties. I remember I was... Just picture this. There's about... Me and about five mates, and we're about 14. 14-year-old schoolboys mates and we're about 14 like 14 year old school boys and we're

just wandering about in our blazers and we go past a goat and it breaks wind with such recklessness that it actually jolts forward imagine how long we laughed about that you can put together all your faulty towers and wo and Woody Ellens and Laurel and Hardy's and mix them all into... And you will not recreate how funny that is to a 14-year-old. But it was magnificent. Absolutely magnificent.

They always said... Then they have that parade of steam tractors and steam farm vehicles at some of those shows. And then someone's on one of those megaphones, you can't hear what they're saying, and people just drive out in these vehicles. it takes about three hours for them to do a circuit i think there was i think there was police dogs as well if i remember oh jumping through fiery hoops oh i love it when they do that oh i think there was seven of them on a motorbike at one

point what does that train them for the fiery hoops well i don't know i mean you could say how many burglars do you get with a very very padded forearm it trains them for working with secret and roy it's really the only thing it trains them for yeah well that's fine you don't want to go into that untrained i a lot of our trips at school were themed on the ill treatment of catholics in england yeah because we went to a catholic school we often went to a place called Harvington Hall and we used to have to go into the priest hidey holes where they had to hide during the Reformation. And you'd sit in there

with your chin on your knees thinking about Catholic oppression through the ages. That was the idea of it. It wasn't a worksheet you had to fill in. No, I think there was a gift shop. Do you know what, I'm going to take Hereford Livestock Auction and stick with it. That sounds like a good one.

They were very special. I never did any of the big scheme ones or any of those things that some people do. Just the ones on the coach. I hated the coach. It's the worst part of a school trip is having to sit on the coach. Because if they put your packed lunches in the coach luggage bag, they taste of diesel fumes when you get them out. Is that right? And there was always the two you had to sit on the coach. Because if they put your packed lunches in the coach luggage bit, they taste of diesel fumes when you get them out.

And there was always the two you had to wait for as well. Alex Fruin, he was always late. Well, I think one of the great highlights, I think second only to the goat, was when we went to Ironbridge and Stephen Healy fell in thistles. There weren't thistles, there was those stingers where

at first you thought, well, has he been stung and then these white lumps start and he was very long very long lad Stephen Healy so they just kept they disappeared into the distance his stings the noise that he made was so wonderful because it was quite a breathy

I remember less of a scream than a man who was suffering, not only physically, but mentally. I'd love to know if our listeners have had any nightmarish school trips. I bet they have. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. I think we've had messages from the outside world on 8, 12, 15.

We have. We were talking about nightmare school trips. I had Hereford Livestock Auction. You, Frank, had... I had Harvington Hall. Yeah, yeah. At the place Heidi Hulls. Our listeners have had, well, 6-9-0.

Morning, I, along with about 60 other kids, was taken to a sewage farm. Oh. Then the same day in the afternoon, we went to Snaresbrook Crown Court to watch a murder trial. I was 11. That can't be right. What are you learning from those two?

I think they were doing a project on filth. In all its manifestations. I didn't think you'd be allowed into a murder trial if you were under 18. There's one from... Certificates trials. That's in Hairspray. There's one from... Certificates trials.

I don't know. That's an expert. There's one from 70119, Frankenlady's Nightmare School Trips. My son was recently taken to the local carpet shop for a trip. No. No idea why. From Jules and Colchester. Imagine their little faces when they realise there's no gift shop.

It's just carpet. You could probably get a bit of carpet. Yeah. Get a sample. For your room., it's just carpet. You could probably get a bit of carpet. Yeah, get a sample. A bit of brown carpet. Is that because of the credit crunch that they're now going to carpet shops instead of skiing? Is that what's happened? The ski trip's off, but don't worry, we've got the

second best thing. Yeah, I don't know about you, but it's never apres carpet. It's never nothing I look forward to. You just get those red marks on your elbows. I always thought it was a bad idea to take children en masse to Shakespeare plays. Why did they do that?

We went to see Romeo and Juliet. Someone said cheers when Juliet took the poison and we all had to leave. We were taken. I remember Mr Wilcoxon took us to see Roman Polanski's Macbeth, which had got a lot of topless witches and

the like. How dare you? And we was lots of jeering and calling out of remarks. And I remember he, I've never seen such an impassioned telling off of what we got when we got back to the school. It was, you know, you've disgraced yourself.

I think he said that we disgraced British literary culture. That's quite an achievement. That was Andy MacMahon who did that. I think it was, yeah. We had to go see a Macbeth that starred a man who'd recently been in Casualty. This must have been about 15 years ago, as in the show. He hadn't been in it.

And I couldn't lose myself in the play because Macbeth was the Doctor from Casualty. It was awful. I remember seeing, I went to see a play about the Triumph Factory in Coventry. You know, one of those.

In the 80s they did lots of plays that was about local industry. And the kids were sort of laughing and all that. And this actor just stopped and he turned and he just stared. He stared them down. It was a fabulous moment in many ways. And quieten them for nearly 20 seconds. The power of actors to discipline children.

Not talking of that subject, have you read this story about the Lothian and Borders police and their £70,000 contract for sandwiches? Oh, yeah, this is the 11-inch baguette. Yes, the 11-inch baguette, or baton, as I thought they might call it. Yeah, I suppose that's why they've gone for 11, because it is reassuringly like a baton. And that is long.

That is long. That's long for a baguette. It's nearly a foot. You know what's going to be wrong with that baguette? The filling's going to be about nine inches. And you're going to get that horrible dry ending on a baguette. They stipulate that the fillings have to comply with the standard size and weight stipulated by the British Sandwich Association. I've been on the British Sandwich Association's website.

Have you? They are an industry body to fear and trust. Are they a quango? Well, they keep themselves busy by promoting the consumption of sandwiches. Do they really? Doesn't British Fattest Man do that? Were they set up as a sort of

one of these socialist move? Well, it's just to support the British sandwich industry and make sure we've got the right fillings and the right quantity

of fillings in our batons. I think that's alright. They'll mind that. What have they insisted on then? What fillings do they want? Well, they want 17. They had a spreadsheet.

They wrote a 10,000-word document. A sandwich spreadsheet? Yeah. And it was a spreadsheet. Yeah, 17 different fillings. The police wanted brie and cranberry, smoked salmon and cream cheese, and prawn mayonnaise. It's all gone a bit year in Provence. Yeah, they've changed, haven't they?

Down at the Nick. Yeah. I thought they'd want kettle crisps. Isn't that their new thing? I've got back into crisp sandwiches. Do you ever eat a crisp sandwich? Oh, I'll tell you what. It's like being one of the great predators.

Because it's like eating something with a skeleton. It's like squidgy on the outside. It's so not like eating something with a skeleton. Yeah, because suddenly there on the outside. It's so not like eating something with a skeleton. Yeah, because suddenly there's a surprising crunch that you've sort of forgotten about in the middle. I love it. It's the reverse of a soft centre, if you can imagine anything so radical.

Like I said, the police didn't want a normal bread, wholemeal sandwiches. They weren't very keen on those. I think in the same way that the baguette reminds them of a baton. The square whole meal sandwich reminds them of the brown envelope

in the police bribery. And I think it was Dixon the dog green who said no one likes a bent copper. Well it had to comply with anti-bribery laws, the sandwich tender. It says anti-discrimination and anti... You can't have a discriminatory or bribing sandwich.

Oh, you'd be frightened to ask what bread to ask for. Do you want brown or white? Um, I don't mind. To me, they're equally nice in every aspect. Oh, it's a PC nightmare in so many ways. Frank, Frank, Frank many ways. Frank. Frank. Frank.

Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. We've had some texts in, Frank, about nightmare school trips, which we were talking about. Yes. We've had 019 nightmare school trips. We had a boy get bitten on the elbow by an angry pig.

Oh dear, that sounds really painful. Pigs are vicious. And elbows are sensitive. You put those two together, you've got pain. The Venn diagram of that. On a French trip, two girls missed the coach home and were stranded in Calais. What, and left? I'm presuming that someone went back to Fed.

Stranded forever. They now run a lovely bistro. Times of times. That'd be a massive story. Massive health and safety. They were just left. Yeah, they were just left. They became street urchins.

Mr Wilcox said if he weren't back on the coach by 3.15, that was it. Yeah. No bots. You get your own way back. Knife lesson. Kids these days. And there's another text from 394. We took our school kids

to a local funeral home and they were given balloons. We took our school kids? Sounds like it might be a headmaster of some sort. We took our school kids. You wouldn't think a funeral home had balloons. Well, they had to give them something.

Black balloons, do you think? Would they give them, what, brass coffin handles? I mean, what would you give the kids that have come to look round it? I imagine you'd give them, like, tiny coffin-shaped erasers. A jumbo pencil. Yeah, surely. Yeah, oh, black balloons. Oh, sombre.

Rather chic. Frank, we were also talking about... Don't go so far. About sandwiches. Yes, we were. Which, I mean, I fear that subject somewhat, as you can imagine. Well, I know there's a carbohydrate element. Exactly.

But I did reconnect with my old friend, Bread, last week. Oh, yes. And I went over to Frank's. It was lovely, actually. And he said, oh, and i went over to frank's it was lovely actually and he said oh do you fancy a toasty now normally an alarm goes off when someone says that well yeah yeah a smoke alarm about 10 minutes later i said oh i fancy one of those do you know i'm gonna have a cheap toasty yeah why not so i slapped it on the george you know the george foreman the george foreman yeah i slapped it on the george foreman and uh kathy and sandy mason weren't allowed any food frank was very clear about that he said no we've been doing these hours we need to have something to

eat i said we we got back after doing the show we got back about half 11 and my argument was we need a brunch at that point like minors we were and they seemed to think i was going to do toasties for everyone. Who eats half eleven unless they've been doing a breakfast radio show? So I dug my heels in. You've got to earn your food, women. Yeah. So I tell you what happens.

I don't know if you noticed this, but sometimes it can be very fierce, a George Foreman. And the cheese had slightly run off the sandwich. And I had to scoop it back onto the I didn't even notice I doubt there's a hint of corrugation in some of the cheese that's because it had come off the Foreman grooves

I loved it so much, it was almost quite a Proustian experience for me I found it, I shared it here à la recherche du sandwich perdu yes or fondue I found it I shared a tear à la recherche du sandwich perdu yes yeah I shared au fondu yeah

I shared a tear of nostalgia for bread yeah I did when did you last eat bread oh when did you last see your mother yeah I felt you should have been wearing

a blue velvet catsuit for that question when did you last see your mother's pride? Oh, that's such a fine joke. I have to just let it sink in. But no, she's a stranger to calm behind. When did you turn your back on bread? Do you know what?

Bread's becoming back in vogue. Too many TOWIE types, that's the only way, as Essex have adopted this no carbs rule. It's getting too popular now. So bread's getting back in vogue too many taoi types that's the only way as essex have adopted this no carbs rule it's getting too popular now so bread's getting back in doesn't it turn you into a crazy person if you don't eat carbs well i don't know what you mean i met someone on the do can the other day and not the dog shoot the do can and um their breath it didn't sound like it smelt like instead of Ducant

yeah that they were that they were living on dog excrement they were on the dog excrement diet perhaps that's what the D stands for they read it wrong yeah I think that is what French Ducan means in French isn't it

it's dog excrement no it's dog do the dog Ducan is is that what we call the poop bin. The poop bin? Does anyone call it that? Well, I do, apparently.

First I heard of it. I've been back on the Albran, as you may know. And it's trouble with Albran. If you look at Albran, it's clearly from the same family as the Twiglet. And I think Albran is the sort sort of solid dependable side of the family and the twiglet is the is you know is the sort of a flimsy uh fly-by-night one and and funnily enough a bloke was telling me this week a mate of his when he had a molly haircut in the 80s used to say um the front meant business and the back meant party

fabulous hair summary say, um, the front meant business and the back meant party. Fabulous hair summary. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Hey, this is Frank Skinner and I'm with Emily Dean and Laura Solon. One boy. It just gets better every time. Two little girls. Good old Elvis.

If you want to text us about anything, we're on 8-12-15. But then again, who isn't? There's a lot of people, actually. I couldn't think of it. Can I talk about one of my favourite actors, Alec Baldwin? You can. I do, on a side issue, I do think if I went for lunch with him, I'd get on really well with him.

With Alec Baldwin? Yeah, I really like him. He sounds to me like he's a boorish oaf from what I've read in the papers this week. Yes, you might think. He sounds more up my strada. In that case. Up Emily's strada. Yeah, well, he's been thrown off...

A novel by Beryl Bain. He's been thrown off a flight. Allegedly for playing... Well, he's been thrown off a flight, but... I don't think you have to say allegedly. But for playing an iPhone game. Yes, I hadn't heard of this game before. Words with Friends.

Words with Friends. It's called Words with Friends and some of my celebrity friends... You say Words, Words, Friends. Some of your celebrity friends. No, my application is called Words with Celebrity Friends. Words with Better People.

Yeah. But no, what they do is they send it to you and they want you to get involved. And he did get involved. It's like online Scrabble, Frank. Yeah? It would be better if it had been called Words, Words, Franks. You had to join the dots and make a fabulous portrait of Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Well, the second report, another website said that he got kicked off the flight

when the actor slammed the bathroom door so loudly the captain had to get involved. Well, he shouldn't have done that. When the captain gets involved. No, but what if someone had been making a souffle in that toilet? That would have ruined it. Well, there'd be nesting birds. Oh, I don't like loud noises on planes. I must say, if someone had slammed the door like that, I'd be...

But it wasn't taking off, it was obviously... No, but even so... He has had previous... He's got form. Just No, but even so. He has had previous. He's got form. Just using my prison speech there. He's got form. But he has got form, hasn't he, old Alec? Well, he shouted at his daughter once, and a voicemail message.

That don't make him a bad person, does it? No, he called her a thoughtless little pig, and then he apparently... She didn't bite a young person. No, on the elbow. That's why he was cross with her. She did, she overstepped the mark. Yeah's why he was cross with her. She did. She overstepped the mark. Yeah, but he wrote a book inspired by the incident.

I don't know what the book is. What do you mean? It says here, he later apologised and wrote a book inspired by the incident. I don't know if it was called a children's book called The Thoughtless Little Pig. Or maybe it was more The Thoughtless Dad. I don't know. He called his daughter The Thoughtless Little pig and then wrote a book about it. Inspired by it.

Well, I'd like to look into that book. I don't know if it's true. We could have regular readings from it on the show. If ever anyone spawns, it's like candy floss. One spoon of sugar makes an enormous mass of pink candy floss. One tiny incident

and you got a book out of it. I'm going off him. He did... It did all end in tears, though, didn't it? So he got chucked off. Yeah, public strop, really. It was American Airlines, though, and I was once on American Airlines.

My girlfriend at the time was a vegetarian, and she said to the air steward there, she said, they brought chicken and chicken potatoes, please. And she said, excuse me, I ordered the vegetarian meal. She said, don't eat the chicken, honey. And I, that's not good. No, that's not customer service. She made a terrible error because she was American, my girlfriend,

and she was the most avid complainer I've ever known. They're good at it. No, but she was the most avid complainer I've ever known. They're good at it. No, but she was amazing. We once was in a hotel, and she complained about the meal of a woman on an adjoining table. Backseat complainer. She'd heard her say that something was tough or something, and she said, you should complain.

And the woman said, oh, no, it's fine. So when the waiter went past, she said, excuse me, but this lady's meat. And this woman was dragged into a whole massive, took the meat away and brought it. Oh, dear, that's unbelievable. Well, Alec Baldwin thinks that American Airlines is where retired Catholic school gym teachers from the 50s

find jobs as flight attendants. That was a hint of anti-Catholicism. He should be made to sit at that priest hole. Yeah, in the Harvington Hall, that would do him good. Yeah, he's referring to the... Does he mean that she was a bit older? I think he's referring to maybe a stern, matriarchal figure. No-nonsense.

Sort of zero-tolerance approach. Who said, stop playing on your iPhone and slamming the bathroom door. Sit down, Alec Baldwin. In other words, someone who didn't say, oh, Mr Baldwin, I think you're an absolute genius. sort of zero tolerance approach who said stop playing on your iPhone and slamming the bathroom door sit down in other words someone who didn't say oh Mr Baldwin I think you're an absolute genius yes of course you can play any game even though it does interfere with the instruments which is what I would have said clearly

does it? if it did you wouldn't be allowed them on fire now can I ask does it interfere with the instruments? I can't believe it definitely does because they don't check very thoroughly. What, whether it's on or not? Whether everyone's turned theirs off. It just doesn't sound...

We need to talk to the cockerel, here's the airport settings. I'm sure it might do. No, but you know, our listeners are like a fabulous, living, breathing Google. Someone will know whether it affects the instruments. There must be a small possibility that it will, but if it was very dangerous, you wouldn't be allowed the one. If you're not allowed nail scissors, you wouldn't be allowed iPhone. We've actually had a plane-related query.

I once got into trouble for smoking an electronic cigarette on a plane. The reason given was that another passenger complained it looked like the real thing. I would like to ask the panel if they think this is fair. Thanks, Gordon. No, that's... I like the panel. That's completely unfair. I once travelled to Kansas with

an inflatable dog in the adjoining seat. And I got a similar complaint. The fact is I get insecure in the air. Anyway, I'd love to know if any of our listeners have had a public strop. Because there's nothing quite like one, let's face it.

I once had a public strop when I was at public school, with a strop. And, oh, yeah, the other fags thought it was absolutely hilarious. When I say the other fags, I'll explain. Absolute Radio, with Frank Skinner. Frank, we've had some updates on whether mobile phones do interfere when you're flying. 540, it absolutely does not affect instruments. Thus, we are now allowed to use phones in hospitals. Oh.

That's 540. What about if you're the flying doctor? What about, I was once, I was doing an interview once in a car on a phone interview. And, I mean, not for a job, with a newspaper. And I got out at a garage and a loud speaker voice said, Sir, switch off your mobile phone. It didn't. Yeah.

How humiliating. Exactly. And apparently you can get a spark what comes off of your phone and sets the petrol pump on fire. I don't believe that. Is this one of these rumours that started when mobile phones came out that's just been kept? Have you ever seen a spark come off a mobile phone?

No, but it's like the same way that you're meant to nudge a freight machine with an electric lighter. I have actually seen a member of the sparks come off a mobile phone. Have you really? Yeah. I was once in a tobacconist and a man came in and said, have you got any flints for a mobile

phone? For my Zippo mobile. I've just never heard such talk. Spark off your mobile phone. So, Frank, I'd like to go nativity here on you. There's some other

surprising news out this week. Obviously it's the the time the season for nativity plays certainly is um for those who remember to have children and um apparently joseph and mary which you would say traditionally was the most coveted role one would assume yes the goodies oh god yeah the needs but hindsight, they did a survey and most people would actually rather play, it said the evil innkeeper. Why is he evil? Or herald. He's probably not evil.

He's like a very good hotelier because he found additional accommodation. He doesn't have any spare rooms. Yeah. But he makes an effort for them. Like all hoteliers. He's a slave to availability. They didn't book in advance, they turn up. He can't create a room out of nothing.

One of the busiest nights of the year, we want a room because she's pregnant. You get these people at reception, I hear people saying, well, you must have at least one room. No, we've got a finite number of rooms. The idea that I would say I don't have any rooms if I've got at least one room somewhere.

We're not Jesus. And she went, oh. Oh, well, they weren't Jesus. Well, she was sort of slightly Jesus. Particularly during a national census time. We know how busy hotels are around that time. It's like booking a hotel in the Olympics on the day of the opening ceremony. Yeah.

Have you got a room? No. Do you think she said, it's absolutely crammed. It's the birth of Jesus this week. They've come from all over. There's three blokes standing up here earlier trying to get a room. They were prepared to share. Funny aftershave they're wearing. Yeah, exactly.

I thought, meh. No, I, um... They described him in the telegraph, the innkeeper, as one of the darker good time characters. What? Where was that good time? It was working on Christmas night. He's just answering the door and saying,

I've got no room left because it's full to capacity. There's fire regulation. There's nothing good time about somebody working all through the holidays. He's got a business. He gave them a bit of old straw. I've slept on worse, I tell you. Yeah, well. Were you in the Nativity play, Frank?

Can I say I had one of my most traumatic experiences of my entire life in a Nativity play? Oh, no. I was head shepherd. Not Ed Shepard, who sounds like somebody who reads the local news. I was news reporter Ed Shepard reporting on the birth of christ

now i was head shepherd and um the the um miss knight the uh head mistress um said uh but these miss i wish her middle name had been you because these miss you nights now miss knight said right gather around the baby jesus well i was head shepherd, so they were following me. Well, the baby Jesus hadn't been placed in the manger at that point. He was in a crisp box at the back of the stage. So I went and knelt at the crisp box, and my other shepherds knelt with me. She went absolutely ballistic.

I mean, she went crazy. It was a simple mistake. I was following orders. I've heard that before. Literal child. Yeah, but there was the baby Jesus, you know. Was it a doll? It was a doll, yeah.

It wasn't the real baby. I remember sometimes it was just swaddled. No, no, this was a doll with a hint of cheese and onion. But anyway, she came on stage and she grabbed me by my ankle and then raised her hand up. She didn't. And I swung upside down. And this is a bit of a difficult thing to explain.

I was tiny. I was only, like, five. And I swung around and my hand went right up her skirt. And it was I can't tell you I felt strange tremors go through me as if I'd met like I imagine when they opened

Tutankhamen's tomb and the smell of the ancients rose up but I really felt like I'd done something bad. Because at that age, I wasn't quite sure what I wanted. Yeah, but I was a victim of gravity. It's not an extenuating circumstance.

No, it's good that I was one of the few kids ever to put his hand up the headmistress's skirt and use Newton's laws. No, but she was being horrible to me, and it all happened. But honestly, it really traumatised me and still when I think about it now though it might sound comical to the outsider

I was shaken to the very core so whereas oh good time the innkeeper that's the kind of thing you'd imagine going on in his inn yeah he was partying in an adjoining building.

Absolute Radio with Frank Skimmer. Frank, we've just had a text in. You were asking about using a mobile phone at a petrol pump and apparently you'd been... Well, there'd actually been an announcement made to get to please cease and desist. Frank, as a fireman, I can tell you that you're right about mobiles and petrol pumps. It will not cause fire.

It is a myth. Would need a large volume of contained flammable gas to be a risk. Reason is the distraction factor. More likely to overfill, spill or put in the wrong fuel type. Oh, I see. But I wasn't actually, I was just standing there. I wasn't actually doing the tube thing. Which makes me think they've be a little heavy-handed.

And they owe you an apology. They went out at the top. I can't remember quite where it was now, the garage. You know, we just stopped. Treating you like some good-time innkeeper. I think I just stopped for a crunchy. Yeah, the good-time innkeeper, of course. Talking of the good-time innkeeper,

could I just ask you, as someone, I'd say, almost of the cloth, knowledgeable in these affairs, King Herod, is that entirely appropriate to have him in a children's play? What's his role? I mean, do they feature the massacre of the innocents in the play? Well, they might have... I don't know if they have the actual massacre,

but they might well have included the edict. I think that what they probably... They probably caught to herod interior herod's chamber it's night and i've been saying find that child and uh and uh i'll have him destroyed in fact if i remember rightly and i often don't when i was in the fen street nativity play which is a a drama when we all played children. It was me and Mark Addy was in it

if you remember him. And lots of stars of the day. Neil Morrissey etc. And I played King Herod if I look him back. Did you play? I don't remember Herod being a feature of my nativity play. No well I think he's an option.

Yeah. He's more of an annex. He needs to be played by Alan Rickman, not by a seven-year-old. Yeah, I don't think we could have got him. Not even for the Fen Street nativity play. It was BBC Wales. But can I just say, I'm rather envious of all you guys, because I didn't really get to have a nativity,

because I went to a very... You've already mentioned no but a very trendy sort of 70s liberal school and we had a drama teacher and he just he wore denim waistcoat and smoked Peter Stuyvesant of course he did denim waistcoat did he used to co-present his wasp was it cut off hanging, he had it hanging loose. He had it hanging loose. Had he cut off a denim jacket? I think he had. He sounds like... If Top Cat was in status quo, that's what he would wear.

He said, call me Bob, kids. What's his name, Bob? They'll call me Mr. Williams. Yeah. Oh, I've named him. That's unbelievable. Bob Williams?

Bob the White Skirt Williams, as he was known locally. Bob abandoned the traditional nativity play. It must have been about eight, nine? Nine, it must have been. And in favour of a play he'd penned himself about the nuclear holocaust. Oh, dear.

Had it been turned down by an afternoon play by Radio 4? Had the nationals burned him? I tell you what it's like, it's the drummer's parents. You know when you get the boy drummer on a talent show and the parents are on bass and lead and the judges say, lose the parents. And the kid says, OK. It's that moment, isn't it?

Yeah. Oh, no. I played Survivor 3. Survivor 3, yes. What was your line? Oh, no, I didn't get as far as lines, really. At least I wasn't a victim. They cried, the people who were victims.

Was he the lead? In a way, you were all victims. You were all victims of Bob the White Scout Williams' ego. Did he play the lead? We had to show the effects of radiation. How? I don't know. With what?

It was awful. Tea towels on my head. A lot of... Oh, dear. Oh? It was awful. Tea towels on her head. A lot of... Oh, dear. Oh, it sounds awful. This was amazing. Well, all the children were crying. Not me, Ice Woman.

Got through it with the professionalism I still hold to this day. Well, I played Judge Danforth in The Crucible in my school play. Oh, did you? And Judge Danforth, he's the judge at the trial, the witch trials. And Tony Hale was one of the witnesses and he got complete stage fright. I mean, terror.

And I said to him, so, sir, tell me what you've seen that day. And he just looked at me in terror. And I said, that's the devil, the devil got your tongue. And he looked at me and I thought, you're not, the devil got your tongue? And he looked at me and I thought, you're not going to speak, are you? And I said, come now, sir.

Don't be afraid of this cot. We are here to bring justice. I was completely improvising. He just turned and walked out the door. And I remember I had a slight panic and then I said, luckily I read the deposition of this man. I understand that he saw a number of ladies.

And I started talking. And I said, one of my intentions was to ask him the following questions. It was going on. You could see no end to it. Did you see the rest of the plane? It was going on. You could see no end to it. Did you see the rest of the plane? It was getting back. It was the little man inside was thinking, I'm here now.

How do I get back to the next bit? Oh, God, it was stressful looking back. Frank. Frank. Frank. Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio.

What's wrong, sir? The devil got you? Luckily. Completely forgotten about that incident. I must think, I bet I did a good six or seven. Six or seven of telling what he said and then saying what I would have said had he still been there. The thing is, I looked around, remember, at the other kids in the play

and none of them met my eye. Don't bring me into this. Frank, I'd like to clear up once and for all this can you have your mobile phone on at a petrol station slash plane. So this chap seems to know what he's talking about. mobile phone on at a petrol station slash plane. So, this chap seems to know what he's talking about. He agrees with

our fireman friend. Who is this chap? This is Acton Wright. Well, he sounds right. Yes. Is he called Acton Wright? Was he in an Oscar Wilde short story? Okay, I can't. So, the fireman was correct about the petrol pump just causing a possible distraction.

OK, so you're all right on a forecourt. Yeah, there's no spark. On a plane? For airplanes, there is a lot of equipment that uses radio signals, possibly using the same frequency. So coming in to land, for example, they connect to an instrument landing system. Oh, well.

So if someone was playing Words With Friends and ruined your landing be furious well they hadn't taken off at that point ruined your landing by ending your life before he started his anti-catholic souffle destroying rant ok so basically they're wrong about the garages but claims it's common sense someone said you can use them in hospitals

because it doesn't affect... Yes. I don't know what it was. The stethoscope. Obviously, if you're wearing a stethoscope. Okay, well, that's good to clear it up because we don't want anyone thinking it's all right to use it on a plane and then quoting me as an authority. Imagine that.

What else? We've had emails. Yes. There's an email from America. Chris... I still get excited that people in America... It's come from across the pond. Chris from the States. Chris from the States.

Chris from North Carolina. I hate the States. I don't hate the States, but when people say the States, I write them off as human beings. Chris from North Carolina has written in with another TV pun suggestion. Hey, comma, that's American, hey, comma, just read that a TV station in the States has just green-lighted a reality show called Hook, Line and Sisters

about a family of deep-sea fishermen that includes two daughters. Oh, well, that sounds like it's true. Although, can I just say, a bit of an Americanism creeping in there, greenlit, surely. Yeah, greenlit it should have been. Come on. Come on. Is this real?

But, um, hook, line and sisters. Hmm. Yeah. What's it called? Hook, line and sisters. Yeah. I like it. Um, what I think is that they should have had, um, deep sea fishermen with terrible beer.

Would have been the programme. Hook, Line and Stinkers. Or with a twitch, Hook, Line and Blinkers. Yeah, or Anne Robinson learns deep sea fishing, Hook, Line and Winkers. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Frank, I've been reading a lot about bankers this week. Have you?

Very much so. Well, no. What intrigues me... Was it on a dating website? Well, they've had a terrible fall from grace. Well, they have. But apparently, I don't know if I'm allowed to name the bank. Let's not help them.

No. But a certain high street bank, they've decided to... They're going to send the bank bosses on a comedy course in an attempt to sort of help them. They're saying drive the business forward, which sounds like a very

banking phrase. What does that mean? Drive the business forward. Furtherance the economic futurance of the bank. Yes, it'll be something like that. It's one of those away days. I was disappointed with the headline. What was it? It was something like what was it? I can't laugh um what was it i can't

remember it was very it was very dull bankers are having a laugh bankers are having a laugh really a pun robin they could have had laughing all the way to the bank yeah oh they could have or they could have had i thought joke tellers oh that's good i thought that sometimes they're a bit lazy on the comedy headlines. I was disappointed. They're not doing this show. Which reminds me, I wanted to do a comedy tour with me and two other comics called The Three Tellers, right, in which we told jokes. And I thought it was a great idea because you could do about 40 minutes each so you don't have to write massive amounts.

Three of us, three acts for the price of one, bit of company on tour. Every comedian I suggested it to just turned their nose up. What about that? I don't know what to say. No, I ended up with Shane Ritchie and Les Dennis. Was it one night and we just abandoned the whole thing? Well, they will be helped out on their course. Apparently Phil Jupiter's

is going to be involved. Really? Yeah. I hope he doesn't wear the eyeliner, because he's taken to wearing eyeliner, and they'll be scared by that. They won't like that at the bank. They're quite conservative. I'll say. So what do you think of this as comics, you two?

Are you threatened, Frank, by these bankers? What if they get really good? Well, I was interested with the fact that... Now you sound worried. When they said there was a clowning module. Because, I was interested with the fact that when they said there was a cloning module, because I don't know if you know, but I recently, when the credit crunch came around,

my bank having given me some terrible advice had to tell me that I may have lost all the money I had and certainly half of it. And I thought it'd been very good if what they'd have done is they'd have suddenly run out with a safety deposit box and thrown it towards me and it was just glitter. No money in it at all.

Would have been a great way of putting it across. They'd have gone off in a tiny car and it had fallen apart. That would have been... Would have taken the sting out of it. I would have felt... But if they'd have started crying, that squirty crying that comes the other side of the table. Electrocuted your palm with one of those hand buzzers. As they explain the fall of AIG, squirty tears shot comes your other side of the table. You've electrocuted your palm with one of those hand buzzers. As they explain

the fall of AIG, squirty tears shot across the desk. Would have lightened the mood. I don't know whether they work these. I mean, obviously lots of businesses. It's part of a leadership course. Yeah. I think I'd like to see a banker doing some stand-up

comedy in a comedy club. I think it might give them an idea that there are there's actually customers who need to be pleased. And they can, you know, they can see and respond to them. But wouldn't they get more stick than any stand-up comedian's ever got? Yeah, any bankers in tonight,

it would be very difficult. It would be very difficult. I think the idea is it just sort of boosts their confidence. Yeah, they don't need confidence boosting. Do we want their confidence boosted? No, we want it unboosted. That would be a double dip. I spoke to someone recently who'd been working with bankers

and he said to me that they said, look, the public have brought this on themselves. It's when we had to get rid of bank charges, we had to cut... Because, you know, one bank cut their bank charges and got rid of bank charges so every it was one time you every time you did a transaction you used to have to pay extra bit they said since we had to stop that with the only way we can do is by selling them dodgy deals and things so oh i feel you've been trapped into that i know I've just reversed my opinion on them I feel compassion

I wish the bank would just call it dodgy deals on the website that's the trouble if you call a dodgy deal a dodgy deal it's no longer a dodgy deal I think we'd all agree with that so yes I've never done an away day

or anything like that I've never really had that kind of a job. When I worked in a drop forging, an away day meant a day when you'd got so drunk the night before you couldn't breathe. But no. A magazine once sent us to the pub and we just kind of got drunk and spent their money.

I don't understand. Which is kind of what bankers do, in a way. But yeah, it felt a bit pointless. There's a company that simulates spies and spy training, so you can turn up somewhere in Basingstoke and you can pretend to be James Bond. But I imagine because it's done in a regional way, it might be a bit rubbish with someone doing a bit of an accent.

Hello there, Mr Bankers. Welcome to your mission objective uh debbie debbie go get the guns you like those adverts those halifax adverts when they're running a radio station that's what it's like i love those yeah well um bad luck to all the bankers i hope you have a terrible time um So anyway, we move towards the end of the show. A little bit, there's some lovely bankers listening, aren't there? There must be some nice ones who aren't sort of... They're a good time.

They're out having... They are a good time. They're still out from the night before. They're very like the innkeeper in the nativity prayer. And not dissimilar to King Herod in so many ways. No. Well, exactly. They certainly slaughtered a few of my innocents.

In fact, they slaughtered my innocents, if you receive my meaning. Anyway, enough exactly they certainly slaughtered a few of my innocents but they slaughtered my innocents if you receive my meaning Anyway, enough of this blather if you'd like to download Not The Weekend podcast, it's available from Wednesday and it's us doing similar stuff but without the rubbish

music Mark Crossley is next former Notts Forest goalkeeper made good. And that's about it. If the good Lord's willing and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back next week at the same time.

Ta-ra a bit.