The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Science

Episode Date: December 1, 2012

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Dean Gaffney's new career choice, Joey Barton's French accent and KMids Fringe. As well as all of this they also find time to do an on air science experiment. Well, almost.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Guess what? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter. Frank on Absolute. Yeah, so it's December. I liked it. I felt like we might have worked on a cruise ship.

Who are you? Who is that woman? It's my voice. Speaking when Emily Dean is trying to. I have had laryngitis. Do I sound like I organise parties in Ibiza, Frank? I'm worried that I do. You sound like you've got a hint of the um who was the woman

from eastenders who got involved in a scandal in a range rover oh the gillian taylor gillian tailforce yeah she's got that very quite husky yeah it's it's it's a sound that a lot of men like yeah i can't imagine the sound i worry that i sound like i've got dyed blonde hair and i'm like i call him in the sun do you think i do yeah you've got you've got dyed blonde hair and i'm right i call him in the sun do you think i do yeah yeah you've got you've got like you should say hiya yeah and you maybe go out with someone who plays for say leeds united oh okay thanks that's what i'm thinking okay um i'm just uh saw hillary clinton on the telly then it looks just like alice in Wonderland in the books, but if Alice in Wonderland had said, I'm going to keep this hairstyle until I'm 80.

Yeah, Alice in Wonderland goes a bit Benjamin Button. Yeah, so, I've been away. Oh. I got away from it. Well, I got away from the big city and the bright lights. Yeah. I got to the grass and the trees and the... Green Park

no we guessed it I actually went outside of the city which I'm not keen on and I did once again I asked myself a question I've asked many times people who live

who don't live in cities and big towns what do they do? yes I know what you mean what do they do with their days and their nights? They gather by the fireside. I ended up, I actually, I bought a pop-up book for myself. Extraordinary. Honestly.

Kat said, do you think we should get this for the, I said, it's too old for him, let's have a look at it. Actually, I'm having this. I thought, I'm in the country. You need any surprise you can get your hands on. So obviously a pop-up box is a series. It's the perfect surprise. It was based on the Wild West.

And every page... Oh, Frank, can I say that's so up your strata? Yeah. And every page, when you opened it, not only did it pop up, but it had attendant sound effects. Oh, gunshots. Quite old-fashioned.

Yeah, I haven't heard a... for a long... I mean, I thought that was completely unacceptable there. But apparently it's all right. It is in the countryside. It was very... it was someone with the telly on in an episode of EastEnders in 1981. Do you remember, whenever they had the telly on, it was always a cowboy film. You could always hear... It was like... Someone got it on and it was mute.

The one I had was mute. Oh, no. Oh, fine. Oh, fang. And I thought, what does that say about the countryside? Yes. Completely let down. And we bought an advent calendar. Something else to look forward to as the day's...

Oh, no. All from one shop as well, because in the country it's just one shop. Well, there's only one shop. That does everything. Yeah, exactly. Underwear, all sorts. Yeah. And, of course, today is the big Advent calendar day

So that's quite exciting The start, isn't it? Lovely, Frank It's three dimensional Well, most Advent calendars are Well, they're sort of They toy with three dimensionality They're essentially two dimensional

With peepholes But this one You build into a proper three-dimensional figure. What, so it becomes like a box or something? It becomes a Christmas tree with the various gifts hanging on it. Oh, God, yeah. It's amazing what they can do now, isn't it? I don't know what they're going to come up with next.

I think that all the time. If I did know that. Oh, yeah. I don't like the lack of edges, Frank, in the country. I need edges. And hedgerows make me a bit nervous. Yeah. Do you like a dry stone wall?

Oh, yeah, I'll go for a dry stone wall every time. As I've said before, I've completely separated my flat with CDs in the dry stone wall formation. And I've knocked one room into two. It's very cozy, because no one plays CDs anymore. And so that's what I've done. It's great. And I use, if it's a little lopsided, I'll put a single in there, just to get it tight.

A CD single. And it's a good thing. And then I ventured into science now I'm going to ask the listeners about this I'm looking for interesting experiments one can do at home

in the popular on the popular science front, I'll give you, just before we go into music, along the lines of rob a balloon on your jumper and then stick it to a wall. That's what I'm

looking for. That's the kind of science I'm exploring currently. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some texts and emails in already that's good from our listeners because it's snowy sometimes you can forget there's anything other than you know talk to my warmness dear frank emily and alan this is from 463 aka katie in Canterbury.

Last week I made my first ever eBay bid on a Doggy Chief dog bandana signed by Frank and was delighted to win it for £16 for a charity auction. Thank you. It was you who signed it and I'm curious to know why you chose to sign a dog bandana rather than a tie, as other contributors did. I didn't realise I'd signed a dog bandana. I think it might be a forgery is it one of the least exciting forgeries of all time is this like your elvis shirt all over again

i might have signed uh i had uh an ozzy osbourne bandana i might have signed that but i must have had a bit of wear and tear for human beings oh okay it wasn't one of those you know it's usually usually red aren't they, that you see people put their dogs in a sort of neckerchief bandana trying to say, using their dog to say that they're colourful characters instead of treating that pet as an individual creature. Yeah. Yeah, so I don't remember.

I'm sure it's me. No one. Who would be so tragic as to forge my signature on a dog bandana? Well, perhaps a charity that wanted to make 16 Scottish pounds for it. Oh, yeah. OK, well, we'll see what we get to the bottom of this. Legal tender. This could be quite a big scandal.

Couldn't it? Yeah. Well, anyway, Katie of Canterbury, If it turns out to be a not I'll actually sign a dog With a laser And send that Yes Okay that's that sorted

Lovely There's another text but did you want to It's quite lengthy We've got three hours Hi Frank Allen and the Divine Miss M Been away and just caught up on podcasts Read dreams about Frank I like read dreams about Frank

I had the strangest dream the other day Me and my good lady had gone for a country stroll Whilst walking back I bumped into Frank and his partner The first thing that struck me was Frank had a walking stick With a horse's head handle Oh it's going to be Godfather Trousers tucked into his socks. Countryside, that's what happens, isn't it? We were chatting pretty standard nondescript

chat. All done. I wondered if you'd have a problem with that. I don't think it was me. Suddenly Frank began shaking and then started what I can only describe as Tasmanian devil style spinning around a picnic table. Frank's girlfriend then said he had a condition called civilianitis, where if he spoke for too long to civilians, he morphed into the cartoon devil and became uncontrollable. I

then awoke. That so really happened. How has this got out? And then I've received a night's move here. It says, P.S. As Emily sounds too high maintenance, would Alan like a slap-up lunch at the railway pub Murfield? He would. Followed by a town

match. As long as you're paying, he would. You'll do that, wouldn't you? I would do that, yeah. You'll definitely do that. In fact, I've been in that pub many times. I once ate bread and dripping in there. I think you'll need to put down in writing the fact that you're paying for both. I'm not

happy with being paid. It is so stingy. Otherwise he will be a total no-show. If you're not paying, you end playing. He will turn up but he'll be anxious in case there's a bit of a, okay, you owe me 34 quid and then

if you want Alan to come along, really you need a contract. Clearly says that you'll be paying. Frank, we've had an experiment suggestion. Well, let's do adverts first and we'll come back to suggestions. Because I've got a few others that I'd like to run by you. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, earlier on this show you were urging the nation to send in science experiment suggestions.

Yes. I mean, you could do at home, not that you need a laboratory. No. Lee in Leeds has sent one in. Frank, why not try cleaning dirty pennies? One for you here, Alan. What? Oh, come on.

With daddy's sauce? With various household food items. Yes. For example, ketchup, Coke, curry, sauce. Leave pennies in separate containers overnight covered in salad, in said food. Salad. Yeah, put them in the fridge. And grade cleanliness accordingly in the morning.

I was most pleased with the results from mouthwash. Really? Yeah. I've tried brown sauce on an old penny. Oh, yeah? How did that turn out? I'm sure there's something rude in that. I can't find it.

I did as well. And it does, it does, they come up smart. But I tell you what about, I tried that one, see when I was in the country I was basically walking around and asked people if they had any things I could do at home. I actually went round and visited these people I knew and to my joy the boy of the family had been sent home from school with a science project when he had

to make a parachute that would land an egg without breaking it. So we were able to, it became a project the whole community was involved. Two parish council meetings people thought what's something to do? Point here and down

was that what the plan was? Because it's harder there isn't it? Yeah, well, I explained this thing, that if you stand on an egg, and it's on its end, it'll never break, because it's so strong. So they tried that, it completely shattered. That didn't

go so well. Oh, but I like the testing if it's off thing. Oh, yeah. If it floats in the water, yeah. Oh, that's good. I did the Marmite one the other day, actually. What is that? It's a delight of my family. You know, if you get a dod of Marmite on a little plate... I'm sorry, a what?

Like a dod, like a glop. A dart? A Ken Dod. A dollop. I didn't know he was a measuring unit. A dollop of Marmite, let's say. If you then repeatedly hit it with a teaspoon, for instance... It changes, it goes pale.

It goes white, yeah. No. Yeah, yeah. No. Yeah, yeah. This is my favourite thing we've ever done on this show. I cannot believe it. And it's especially useful for if you're bored in the countryside, because you can then try it on cowpats afterwards. No, don't, don't.

I'm only kidding. That does explain why. I don't believe that. No, it's true. That's what Michael Jackson's father's long reign of brutality turned him into a white boy. That's how that worked. I tried the one with the kids once we'd got the parachute relatively functional.

Yes. That one when you stand against the wall and press your arm really hard against the wall. Have you ever done that one? You stand side on and you press the arm nearest the wall really hard. Then when you walk away, the arm just floats up in the air. Oh, yeah, yeah. Very exciting. We could do that during the next song.

I could do it. I believe it. Just there on that wall. I understand it's how Nazi Germany started. They were just messing about. Oh, the Diet Coke and the Mentos. Have you done that? Mentos?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes. You get like a foaming fountain thing. Yeah. It's a reaction. I don't know. You put like some sweets in.

No, mints, Frank. You can do it with polos, I think, as well. It goes crazy. Really? Yeah. What about the one when, if you've got a friend who's asleep, if you put their hand in a bucket of cold water, they wet themselves? I've heard about that.

Yeah. That is... But most of my friends are just naturally incontinent, so we don't need... No, exactly. I didn't need that when i was a youth maybe someone was doing it in the night i had no idea can i just say i like this because i think we might attract a new demographic i like a science geek type no let's face it johnny ball i know johnny ball's become's become a slightly dangerous figure now. He's a climate change denier, isn't he?

Is he? I believe so. Oh. But he did more for science in this country than Professor Stephen Hawking. Yeah. And Magnus Pike. Yeah.

Pardon? Magnus Pike. Remember him? Yeah, he was an idiot. I don't remember him. Anyway, if you've got any good experiments that you want to pass on... I know it's not a very visual medium, radio, but I'm talking about something for me to do rather than entertainment.

Yes. OK, why can't you help me out for a change? Why is it all take, take, take from you people? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. E-mail corner. And relax. We're in E-mail corner.

Which is, what we do is move to we've got more relaxed leather seating which we sit in I've got a nice Chesterfield and Alan and Emily have got a park and knoll nice are you going to put the footrest up or just sit like that

I've always got my perth got my feet up on it this is from Kieran Frank Kieran, he's a fellow baggy. Okay. He says, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. That doesn't mean he's old.

It means he supports West Bromwich Avenue. In case you want to initiate it. Yes? I heard you talking about people turning on Christmas lights. And I wondered... I heard you talking about the army trainer. He goes a bit George Harrison in this section. Yeah.

And I wondered if you'd heard about the strange incident in Wolverhampton. SpongeBob. SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes. Was due to turn on the lights recently. However, upon trying to get onto the stage, SpongeBob was unable to climb the steps because of his costume. Health and safety regulations then meant that SpongeBob could not be lifted onto the stage, SpongeBob was unable to climb the steps because of his costume. Health and safety regulations then meant that SpongeBob could not be lifted

onto the stage. To be fair, they say unable, he was not allowed to try. Okay. Oh, really? Because of his width, it was decided that he should not take it. It's only like five stairs up the stairs. Health and safety gone mad, innit? Health and safety, not only gone mad, but

with a long history of mental illness lots of angry parents were interviewed and didn't actually believe that spongebob had turned up and felt duped well i saw i saw some fabulous pictures in the local press of um spongebob there but at ground level yeah so he was, standing next to some people in the crowd. Obviously, there was a few people crying in their necks. They could see this. They probably thought someone was bringing in a large cheese, which is always a problem with SpongeBob.

Yeah. But SpongeBob, of course, who, as I said, ruined the night of a lot of people, he had that same broad grin on his face. There was no hint of remorse. Well, that's one of the problems with SpongeBob, isn't it? He can't betray his emotions facially. He's a one-trick pony.

He's limited range. I say pony, I should say phony. Oh. Because he lives on the bottom. You know he lives in Bikini Bottom? I don't know. Oh, Bottom. I don't know. Oh, disgusting. I don't know SpongeBob's address. No, that's where it's set.

No, it's because it's beneath Bikini. It's a bit sleazy, isn't it? Beneath Bikini Bottom. That's the sleaziest thing I've ever heard. No, it's beneath Bikini Atoll. You know Bikini Atoll where they did the nuclear testing? Oh, that's nice. That's where SpongeBob lives.

I'm not making this up. My godchildren once had that on and I turned it off and they said, no cartoons after 7pm, that's adult time. I will not have cartoons in the house after 7pm, I'm sorry. Oh, you're strict. Yes, I am strict. Do you want to watch the one show?

Well, anyway, SpongeBob, so he's selling himself as a natural sponge from the seaBob so he's selling himself as a natural sponge from the sea but he's in the shape of a synthetic commercial cleaning sponge. So what's going on? On the back of his head is there

like a scouring bit or No, he's got a green back Is that what you're thinking? That would be great My back's a bit itchy. And when he walks away, the bark is completely clean off the tree by his scouring section.

He has no scouring section. That's a shame, isn't it? I'd think better of him if he did. What about matey? Matey virtually rendered him worthless. Do you remember matey? Oh, I loved matey. It cleans the bath as well.

Was there a Mrs. Matey as well? That was the advert. Yeah. New matey's a bundle of fun. It cleans the bath as well. Was there a Mrs. Matey as well? That was the advert. Yeah. New Matey's a bundle of fun. And at the end, it'll say, it cleans the bath as well. And there's the bath, absolutely. Don't even have to go around it once around the ring section. I don't remember the advertising.

I thought that was always a bit of a slovenly housekeeper who just relied on Matey. You need a siff as well. I just use it for everything now. I use it in the shower. I don't even rinse. I just put my clothes on. I don't even dry. I think matey will take care of that.

Is it still commercially available? I don't think so. If you work for matey, don't send me any. No. You think I can't buy my own matey? I just think they know you can. Yeah, get lost. You're good for it, aren't you?

Shall I move on to another email? I've paid for my own mateys before now. Oh, God. Yes, do another email, for God's sake. Dear Frank Allen... I think I've wronged as much as I can out of SpongeBob. Well... You've squeezed the SpongeBob for all it's worth.

I was very absorbed by the SpongeBob theme. Don't get me wrong. Well, we thought wrong, didn't we? There's more. Dear Frank Allen and the gorgeous Emily, first I want to say a big thank you. A recent break-up has left me unable to listen to music for fear every song might induce hysterical sobbing.

I'll try the fall. That tends to straighten you out pretty sharpish. That's a bit... Hold on. Is that sad enough? Really? I don't think it's quite sad enough, is it? It feels jaunty. Welcome to my 1960s chat show. Why would that cheer you up? I wish you had a 1960s chat show.

It's so hard to get one commissioned. The extensive podcasts have undoubtedly seen me through those tough days and also brought smiles and laughter. Is this a man or a lady? It's a lady. For this public service, I thank you. I'm wondering if the team have any break-up survival tips. Abby, long-time listener, first-time emailer.

P.S. I'm doing much better now, but there's always the fear of relapse. Oh, Abby. Can we call you Downton? She says that the podcasts are in place of songs that could induce hysterical sobbing, but I actually cried a little bit last week when I read that email where that woman was saying that her son had been born the night of your gig in Blackpool and how proud she was of her 18-year-old boy. It was lovely.

I felt a bit weepy. We heard from them again, and the husband said that she cried when I read it out. What's happened to this show? It's like Simon Bates' hour song. It's gone a bit Hatch-Match-Dispatch, and I quite like that. But I'm sorry that Abi's had a break-up, but let's face it, we all have them. We do, but can I just say, Frank, you are, Frank is the best person to ask in this scenario. He is.

You know what they say on things like LBC? They'll go... Of course I'm not able to comment on any individual case. But, no, I... I mean, I tend to wallow in it. Yes, you do. On the occasions I've got dumped, I, I mean, I tend to wallow in it. Yes, you do. On the occasions I've got dumped, I start smoking again. I walk around.

If it's summer, it's a nightmare. You want it to be winter so you can wear an overcoat with the collar turned off. Yes. Smoke a cigarette and feel like, you know, you've got the, I listen to a lot of Roy Orbison, which is, I mean, if you want sad music, that's what you're on. And I absolutely imagine I'm in a film where I've been dumped. Yes.

I think the secret is to embrace it. Hey, let's face it, you're not going to be embracing anything else. Oh, sorry. Sorry, Nick. The other thing that always got me through it was, well, saucy videos. But it doesn't work for everyone. Oh, that's nice. But I found it a great consolation.

Videos. Yes. Well, it's been. But I found it a great consolation. Videos. Yes. Well, it's been a long time since I've been dumped. You have to... Frank always said to me as well, once when I was dumped, Frank said, oh, you're at the forensic stage, which I really like. Yeah, when you're pulling it apart.

But he said that on Tuesday. Why is he doing that? Frank said, you're allowed to stay there for a bit, but then you have to eventually leave the incident room. Yeah. Yes. I'm going to leave this with, I think, the only way we can end this.

Go, girl. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've heard from the outside world. Again? Yeah. We were talking about doing the science experiments, weren't we? Because if you're turning up

in the countryside and basically being bored... I'm never bored. I just didn't have anything to do. Is clicking the pen on air really annoying, isn't it? Is that one of your science experiments? Seeing how annoyed people can become? They wouldn't have known it was a pen. They'd have thought I'd had an artificial limb fitted. Yes, that's exactly what they would have thought.

They'd think it's your new hip. That'd be spine. And I'd have said, we've got Gloria Estefan in the studio coming on a little bit. Carry on. Someone has texted, oh it's Kaz, has texted Frank, ask Stephen Fry, he's been

doing great experiments on the new QI. Oh. Let's not do any more experiments. Although people have texted in some good ones. I like that my laugh sounds 20% more evil. Yeah. That, to me, that's poisoned the well of experiments. Oh.

Can I tell you what's poisoned the well of experiments? Morning gang... That's ruined my day. Hank. 570 says, Morning gang, to test your age, pinch the skin on the back of your hand. If it goes straight back, you still have your youth.

If it stays pinched, welcome to old age. And now everyone in the studio is doing this. That's kind of ruined my morning let me tell you because um that's still quite raised yeah i've got um i've realized i don't have any skin i just have i've basically i've done that and i've now got sort of appellations i just have bones and tendons completely exposed like a william blake painting or Madonna. Frank, Alan used the unit of measurement earlier. He said a dod of Marmite.

You know, I hate to say this. Me and Emily have been friends. I'm saying this directly to Alan Cochran. Me and Emily have been friends for many, many years. It's always been a very, very platonic relationship. But this voice is starting to get to me is it i'm feeling a little uncomfortable carry on oh dear um so alan used the the unit of measurement a dodd frank and we've had a text in... Ooh, baby. That is disgusting. You like that, huh?

Disgusting. Sorry. Cease and desist. OK. Mark Newman says... The two best fallbacks England ever had. Mark Newman. Yeah.

Good morning, all. Can I say that a dod is a well-known term? Only recently I heard on the news that Jimmy Carr was found to have paid a dod of tax. Yeah. He's a... Excellent. I like this idea of using people as units of measurement. I did a very similar thing with page three girl Nicola McLean on Wednesday.

Is that we... Yeah, I was in a quiz. It wasn't televised. It was in a quiz in which a man came on who was a member of the Beard Society and we had to estimate the length of his beard in millimetres. And Nicola McLean happily knew exactly the length of her extensions in millimetres.

So we got her to go up to him and measure her extensions, and we got the right answer. Oh, that's good, isn't it? So how often do you get a chance to use a page three unless a measuring implement? Oh, yeah. That's the phoning. Is it four times?

Or is it B, seven times? No, it was different. Frank, we've had a text in, and the subject line is horrible breakups. Because we had someone writing in earlier asking for advice, having just broken up with someone. Oh, it's not about that moment when, was it the continent of Gondwana land or something that broke out into the other continent? No, it's not the separation of continents. No, it's not that.

No, this isn't geographical. Although those continents did get separation anxiety. This is the map of the human heart, I think you'll find. Oh, very good. This is from Neil. One of my favourite novels, The Separation of the Incontinence. He says, The worst break-up I ever suffered was in a pub.

I overheard her saying, He's just awful. I stormed off into a cold December night, having forgot my jacket. Emily, as a serving police officer, I'd love to take you out to dinner, then hopefully later take down your particulars. Oh, don't make me say it. But you know the two words that are in my head right now.

News International. Filthy creep. Yes. But she might not have been talking about it. She said he was awful. He stormed off. What if she was talking about Roy Chubby Brown? She could have been talking about it she said he was awful he stormed off what if she was talking about Roy Chubby Brown she could have been saying he's just awful

brackets that tennis close brackets she could have been saying he's just awful but I like him in a calm way I felt he should have told us in a more formal fashion I was proceeding along the lounge bar in an orderly fashion when I heard the witness speak

police he never even said she was a bit of a character i bet he's like five foot six because they're getting smaller all the time don't you're ruining my chances neil sounds nice neil there you go i like a man in uniform i love a man in uniform police Police is nice. There you go. That's going to be another nine million emails from basically everybody in the police. Anything else? Yeah, we had another dating one, didn't we, Al? Yes.

By the way, when Abby texted in about her break... Downton. Yeah, I hope I wasn't dismissive about that. No, I don't think you were. I'm just saying the way I deal with it is to completely self-dramatise, but obviously some people don't like that. Whereas I would suggest delete his number and play the field for a bit. I can only apologise.

That's a good bit of advice, though. It's all gone a bit... Christian O'Connell. LAUGHTER It's all gone a bit... Christian O'Connell. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute.

And... The texts a flooding in. Oh, aren't they? It's like sitting under an apple tree when windfall is at its fiercest. Yes. Yeah. Frank, we've had one in from Ashley Turner. Okay.

Who says, I'm 11 years old and I've just tried hitting a dob of marmite which was a dod Alan's unit of measurement with a teaspoon it doesn't turn white I think it looks white on a white plate

as it spreads out as you hit it stick with it Ashley see that's the trouble with kids now they've hit it twice and thought it doesn't work keep staying there and then complained, hit it more. They've hit it twice and thought it doesn't work. Keep staying there. And then complained. Hit it more. Come on, Ashley.

Hit it until your arm hurts. Ashley! That's the way to deal with it. Ashley, will you? I say, will you? Eat that marmite. You sound like Cheryl Cole. Well, I started out as the fat butcher from...

Not Pat Butcher. Fat Butcher. The fat butcher from... And then I threw in a bit of Arkwright. Frank, Frank, stop doing the pen, darling. You're kicking the pen. Sorry, sorry. It's becoming a thing.

Now, come on, Ashley. You have to eat it loads of times for it to go white. Yeah. Okay. You have to get it nice and... Are you sure you've got marmite? You haven't reached for the lemon curd. And I would suggest don't do it on a white plate

if you're going to turn it white. We did it on a blue plate. Look, he can do it on what he likes. Blue plate? What sort of a household are you from? Well, one that bought a dinner set from Ikea about 12 years ago. Oh, did you? And what about the East European prisoners?

Didn't think of them then. No, exactly. Obviously now I've thought of them. Frank. I've smashed up all my Ikea furniture and burnt it in the middle of the garden. Right. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Along with a big flag of East Germany. Frank? Yes? Gordon has texted in. Hi, guys. Brilliant. One of the most refreshing aspects of your wonderful radio show is your honesty and openness.

I've told you, I have praise on this show. My question is, have any of you ever had any dealings with the police? Oh, God, yeah. A policeman actually said to me, unironically, I eat people like you for breakfast. Who would have thought that people said that outside of a bad cop show? But a cop honestly said it to me. Oh, I was told by a policeman.

I had a Vespa scooter that I was riding in central London and the back tyre was a little bit flat and I got a traffic policeman who... I got a fine for it. And he said to me... You're not doing enough telly, that's your point. Yeah, exactly. He said to me, you're new to motorcycling, Mr Cochrane,

let me give you some advice. Look after your tyres and your tyres will look after you. Yeah. Well, when you're in an old people's home run by the council, right, sitting in your own urine, you look back and you think, where are my tyres now?

When I need them. So that's rubbish. I wish I'd pointed that out to him. You should have. You can't point anything out to him. Okay, and finally, my police story. I was going home. I couldn't be bothered to get a cab.

I asked the police drivers to give me a lift and they did. You couldn't be bothered to get a cab I asked the police drivers to give me a lift and they did you couldn't be bothered to get a cab I swear did I tell you that story about when I I hit a police van no have you told anybody this story yet

because this is concerning me it wasn't parked, there was police in it can I say your manager's just pulled his chair up I was driving I was driving up the... Let's face it, there are worse things to confess to in the current climate. I was driving up the road and I was waiting for this police van to pull into... You know when you see a car coming as a line of traffic,

you think, well, obviously he's going to pull into that gap, otherwise I'm going to have to back up 50 yards. The police van kept coming and I thought to myself i can get through that gap fine and um i couldn't so um i i just um it wasn't really a scrape it was more like the black rubber from my bumper i left down the side of the police van but what i um then decided my next decision was, I'm out of here. So I put my foot down and thought, you know, they'll never catch me. They'll never take me alive. So I turned a couple of corners and then the police van came out and blocked the road.

Frank, you're like one of those characters on Lights, Camera, Action. I know, yeah. And then the copper got out and I thought, am I in massive trouble? And he said, oh, man, I love fantasy football. And let me off. Let that be a lesson to everyone there. Yeah, so don't come crying to me with your police stories. Get on telly. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Can I say, some of you are listening to this show on digital channels, and so we're playing different music. But on the morning show, I just played The Fall. And meanwhile, I had a plate with Marmite on it and was eating the Marmite with a spoon to prove it comes white. So we had the fall blasted out. And me doing this, Frank, listen to this. With this.

And days of the producers said, this could easily be a fall video. Production values were a little too high, though. But am I not right? The marmite, look. Look at that Marmite. It's already gone past Caramac. Yeah.

Frank, you've got to say, look at that Marmite, like you're on Delia Smith Cookery. No one can see. No, but it's like pen pictures that you get in there. It's in between Caramac and Whitewash now, isn't it? I'm going to ask the sceptical Emily Dean to say, look at that Marmite now. Oh, my God.

Exactly. OMG. It's like Nutella except lighter. Yeah. Love it. Can I just say, you had a lovely action when you were doing that. Thanks. Well, yes. As you said, it was like being in Pete Doherty's den. It was. You had a lot of paraphernalia. Yeah, except it was Marmite.

You looked like you knew what you were doing. Frank, I think it's time we discuss Dean Gaffney. Oh, yeah, Dean Gaffney, he's retraining, isn't he? I think you'll find he's back. Yeah. But the thing about gaffers... You know I envy Dean Gaffney. Why, because it's his gaff, his rules?

Because Dean Gaffney seems to be one of those celebrities who's very, very happy in celebrity. Do you know what I mean? Idiot Savoy. He's really taken to it. No, I can imagine, you know, he'd go to China White's and think nothing of it. I bet he's on first name terms with Nell McAndrew. Right. Yes.

It will only be 90s people. He doesn't know anyone. No, but I've never... See, he's mocked old Gaffo, but in a way, he has embraced fame in a way I've never quite been able to. He's not troubled by sort of self-consciousness. They're happier.

I've always thought they're much happier at that end of the scale is it the unexamined life is happier is that what you think it is and also he's more famous for his dog that he's got that bob carroll g's thing where the dog is more as eclipsed him i don't know if that's true i mean he's uh i think no well odd most people i think he gets a lot of uh stick old gaffo he He was in that Ricky Gervais thing, wasn't he? Was he? Extras, was it? Yeah, wasn't he in that? I don't know. Everyone was in that.

Yeah. But we should explain, perhaps, why we're discussing it. Yes, we should. Didn't he play a shotgun victim in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels? Did he? I heard he was up for a part in Miranda. I might have made that up. Oh!

That's harsh. That's harsh. That's harsh. That's cold. We should say, in case you're a new listener, that the cockerel was up for a part in Miranda. There was only two. Only two up for the part. He was almost there.

He was waiting for the phone call, and Gary Barlow got it. Yeah. I believe. Yes. I need to watch the series to verify this, but... Well, that's what's said in the papers. So, Gaffo...

It's a photo finish with Gary Barlow. Gaffo Frank, did you read this? He said he decided to apply to MI5 for a job. He wants to be a spy. Yeah. He must think that his profile is so low now that he can be a spy and go unnoticed. He's less well-known than a

civilian. I felt sad when I read it. I feel like he's... Isn't that saying I'm not going to get any more acting work? He said, I love spy films and the whole James Bond thing. Oh, well. But I don't know if that's sufficient qualifications for a spy. That's all I'd want on the application

form. He also said most spies spend their lives pretending to be people they're not. I do that for a living. And I thought, well, you don't really, do you? Well... You did for a while, over ten years ago, but since then you've been yourself for a living, haven't you? Perhaps he means when he signs on.

Because... How many of us... Calling Cole. How many of us can honestly say we're ourselves at the supplementary bin at the penitentiary office? I felt I played a part. Did you? Yeah, definitely. Like I played the part of someone who wasn't working on the side.

I played that part. Anyone ever had any run-ins with the police? The other thing I find, though, I find it a bit heartbreaking, because I worry, though, he's got a little taste of it now, and he's back in the papers. You know, he did an interview after this, because there was a lot of press about him wanting to be a spy, naturally, and he said, oh, you know, everyone's been talking about it now.

That's the thing about being me. Even if I'm not doing anything, people talk about me. Oh, that's uh good yeah i can see the appeal of working undercover to someone who's spent so many years in a high viz jacket it's like the other side of the coin isn't it did his character wear a high viz jacket oh yeah he's a straight sweeper i didn't watch it i went out with an east ender but i don't watch it. I went out with an East Ender, but I don't watch it. Did you? Yes, I did. Don't investigate. Yes, well done. He was very nice.

He's one of God's creatures. Don't judge. Yeah. I liked it when he used to say, Wallop! Yeah. It was, Pat!

Pat! That was his best moment. I didn't go out with Mike Reid. Oh, did you? No. Oh, sorry. Oh, that was me. I didn't go out with Mike Reid. Oh, did you? No. Oh, sorry. Oh, that was me. I got the wrong Mike Reid as well.

I've really mixed this one up. Yeah, it reminded me a bit of when I met Zamo on a radio show and he told me he was doing The Knowledge. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. You see, I... I think he ended up keycutting, didn't he? Yes.

Yeah, he did. Yeah, he had a cobbler's, I think. It's difficult. See, but some people find this comical, this fall from grace. Yeah. I find it painful, mainly because, obviously, I'd imagine it happening to myself. Yes, very much so.

But also, EastEnders is so big and so popular, it must be tough to go from... Yeah. ..to being everyone's living room every night to this. But that said, I think there is a certain level of discretion involved in being a spy. And Dean Gaffney admitted to having affairs when he was on I'm a Celebrity to Get Me Out of Here. And he's told everyone he's going to be a spy. Yeah.

Which is a slight problem. I'm not saying he's right. I'm not saying he everyone he's going to be a spy. Yeah. Which is a slight problem. I'm not saying he's right. OK. I'm not saying he's the right material for being a spy. I'm just saying, lay off the gaff. That's my new campaign. Because I think there's more there to be mined in Gaffney. Yeah.

If only he'd been hacked. Oh, well. Maybe next time. Frank. Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Absolute Radio I don't want to keep having a go at Dean Gaffney

But you know he said That spies spend their lives Pretending to be people they're not I do that for a living I think he's slightly overlooked the spying bit of being a spy as well. They don't just pretend and go into offices and then stand about. They then have to look through the drawers and get the data. That's Frank's worst thing.

Exactly, that would really stress you out, wouldn't it? Frank gets phobic, he can't watch films where that happens. And for me, the downside to being a spy would be remembering all those passwords. I mean, Bond must know, what, 20 different codes and passwords? And I can't get into my own PayPal, so I think that would be a problem. I just write them all down on a bit of paper and keep it in my wallet. Yeah, I don't think they do that if they're proper spies. Do they not do that?

How old are these spies? That's one of their things. You know, they actually commit them to proper memory. But I like the idea that he's decided he might have missed his true calling. Yeah. Yeah, when they used to do that, whenever they interviewed footballers, I don't know, it's probably not true now anymore, but whenever they interviewed footballers,

they'd always ask, what would you have been if you weren't a footballer? And they always said electrician. I've no idea why. Oh, they don't say that now. They say party organiser now. There were set things. Biggest influence on your career, my dad. Oh, yeah.

Favourite food, steak. Favourite TV show, Fools and Horses. They were all the same. All the same person. Yeah. But I wouldn't mind being, I've often thought, lorry driver. Oh, yeah. Yes, I can see you up there.

You're like a Yorkie, do you? I can see you up there in the cab. Something, you know cave time? You know a man needs cave time when he's just on his own? That's what it feels like to me. It's a bit of a garden shed that they've got there yeah and i think i'd quite like that song and also you get in the inside line and then you just relax but you have one of those lorries with the wires i hate those wires some

of them relax a bit too much so that's the problem i'll tell you what i wouldn't have i wouldn't have a teddy bear fixed to the grill from the grill no no especially not a white one i don't like shows the dirt i just don't like it i'm all right with mr mitchell in on top of the grill, the front grill. No. No. Especially not a white one. I don't like that. Shows the dirt. I just don't like it. I'm all right with Mr. Mitchelling on top of the cab, but as I've said on this show before, anyone who can knock a nail through a teddy bear's face could also do it to a human being. And if you could put...

If you're happy with a teddy bear taking the full wind force of being on the grill, covered in dirt and mire and mud flying off the road, I think you could treat a person like that. So, not me. I've always thought I'd be quite a good detective inspector.

Because I'm naturally suspicious by nature. You are. I'm not going to lie, I am. And I'm good, I do interrogate as well and people have cracked under my interrogation in the past you fire a few questions at people don't you

don't you think I'd be good I had a friend who was burgled and a policeman came round to carry out an investigation and she ended up having a physical experience with him physical experience with him. No. Yeah, on that trip, on that visit. Physical experience with her. Really?

Breakfast radio. Yeah, I mean, on that visit, they didn't go into a relationship and then that happened. They did it while he was around fingerprinting. Wow. Fingerprinting, you say? She was an opportunist. That's the other word for it.

Sounds like he was, too. Yeah. I'd call her something else. Bruce, Frank, Bruce in Devon, FYI, says, Frank, you asked what we do in the countryside. Well, we listen to CDs and Absolute 80s. That's when we're not out surfing. That's from Bruce in Devon.

I think you forgot the drunken driving. Yeah, I mean, I'm not, I want to like the countryside more than I do. My girlfriend was always telling me she'd love to move to the countryside and it's great for the child to grow up and all that. I would... I don't think one could do anything more cruel than move a child into the countryside. Why, Frank?

Because when he's 16, he's going to say, let me get this right, we were living in London and you took me out and then we lived in the countryside where I had to basically watch trees grow. No, but people love it. There must be more to it. I had a long conversation with Ross Noble about this and he said the great thing is... He's a country dweller, isn't he? Yeah, he said, I've got a tank and you can just drive it round and the neighbours don't mind. And I thought, I'm sure that's not the general way people deal with country living. Yeah.

But yeah, it confuses me. And I'm not being disrespectful, I'm being curious. I understand, Frank. No, that's actually the title of a video I used to watch. What, I'm just being curious? I'm not being disrespectful, I'm being curious, that's what it title of a video I used to watch Well I'm just being curious I'm not being disrespectful I'm being curious, that's what it was called What else? Well I'd also, I'd just like to put forward

another career profession for myself potentially, pub landlady Oh yeah You're a bit grand, if you don't mind me saying No, you've got to be grand I'm good with my regulars, we know that I'm loyal to my regulars. You are loyal to your regulars, that's true.

And I'd be tough on what I call the sleeping on the central reservation element of the pub. The ones who just won't leave. Do you know what I mean? You'd ride by the letter of the law and not serve anybody who's already intoxicated. Is that what you'd do? Yes, absolutely.

I think that men would be falling in love with you every day and it'd get awkward oh fabulous no i i'm not happy with that with the whole idea of me okay oh sorry i think i'd be a good um head of the world bank yeah well do you know when you might have to stick in your reserve sometimes you know when the economy started to struggle in the UK, I was watching it on the news and I thought, well, why don't they just make up a load more money? The very next day, they said, we're going to do quantitative easing,

which is essentially making up a load more money. And I thought, well, I've beaten them to that by a day. I could have that job. I'd be very happy with you managing the World Bank. I'd be all right, wouldn't I? I think that would stop extravagance. I think that would stop extravagance. I think that would be brilliant when the Minister of Defence, you see him in Poundland

buying flip-flops. They wouldn't be spending £18 a time on lightbulbs at the MOD, would they? No, not if you was in charge. Exactly, I'd be buying them bulk from Costco or something. I don't know where they get them, really. I think that would be splendid. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. When you were talking about teddies being stuck on the front of vehicles, someone said, I have a meerkat teddy in my lorry. So there. OK.

I think they're saying in my lorry not out yeah i don't mind that i'm not a cruel person i don't i don't mind that i hope they don't sit him up at the front of the cab like he's a human being oh maybe he's on the dashboard looking out the window like i'm like a companion they used to be happy with uh with bonting didn't they at one time he's told bonting yes or sometimes they'd have a sport-themed pennant, or maybe a pennant which was like a town that they'd been to of some kind. Yeah, you often saw an Aston Villa pennant in a lorry for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe it's a demographic thing.

Perhaps it was the Midlands. It's a good place to get to everywhere from, isn't it? Not happy with that. I didn't think it would be. But on the subject of long journeys... I think the Aston Villa pennant in the lorry cab is... Isn't it a gay code for next lay-by? Why are you both saying pennant like it's germane?

Isn't it pennant? No, it's pendant, isn't it? No, pendant is a different thing. I didn't know that. You've made a terrible fool of yourself. I didn't know what pennant was. This is on a par with the Descartes. Is God. I didn't know that. You've made a terrible fool of yourself. I didn't know what a pendant was. This is on a par with the desk arties. Is it?

I didn't know it. It's like a pointy flag. It's the sort of thing that sometimes captains of football teams exchange. Yes, I know what it is. I didn't know it was that thing. No, a pendant is a thing on a chain that you have around you. A bit of jewellery. Jingle jangle.

That's exactly it. That's all right. I've been on the road. I'm doing a little bit of touring. I know. For my comedy show. How's it going? Good.

Art centres and comedy clubs and that sort of thing. What's your manager doing that cutthroat side? But there has been an unforeseen problem arisen in the last sort of week to ten days. Well, I hate to say I told you so. No, it's not box office, although tickets are still available. But there's... I've been using a support actor who's a comic called Mike Newell, and he lives near me.

Lovely. He's good company in the car. Did he used to play up front for Blackburn Rovers? No, and I don't think he is the director of Four Weddings and a Funeral either, which is also not... Is it director, Mike Newell? Yeah. Anyway, someone will text. You know what? I've never seen Four Weddings and a Funeral either, which is also not... Is it director, Mike Newell? Anyway, someone will text. You know what? I've never seen Four Weddings and a Funeral. All right. I've, uh...

I've never seen Kez. Get out. I thought you were in it. No. You are Kez. But Mike is a listener to this show and podcast, so I don't want to... But in the last seven days... We've done three or four gigs together,

always driving there and back, either him driving or me driving. So we've spent a lot of time together, both in the car and backstage. And then we did a gig the other night, and I just felt like we've run out of stuff to say to each other. I even caught myself in the first five minutes

blurting out that we'd won a Christmas cake in a school raffle and then I thought- What, you and Mike? No, me and my wife have recently won a Christmas cake in a school raffle and I told him within five minutes- Mazel tov. Five minutes though. I mean, I was saving that for the return journey to be honest. I thought, well that's big news.

It's dried up quite quickly, the conversation. Five gigs. No, I mean, five gigs in the last week or... Right. You know, but we've been on the road, fits and starts, but this is just, it's starting to get, like... You see, I find in the teleboss, I've done, say, 25 to 30 gigs before the supporter gets to speak.

It's just me. Just me talking about my career. People I've met, funny anecdotes. Oh, really? Yeah. And pearls of wisdom. Oh, that's good. And then one day I'll say, so, Steve, what do you think?

And they're taken aback at first. All right. And then will they say something like, I'm actually John. I'm a different support. I'll say, I meant John. They go postal sometimes. And then I'll say, it's funny, I made that mistake when I interviewed Tony Bennett.

And then we're off again. Excellent. That's another four or five gigs. You just spend the whole time name dropping. It's a classic. You say that like it's a bad thing. That's what they want. That's what they want, the support acts.

So should I be in the car going, I was speaking to Frank Skinner and Emily Dean the other day. They don't want friendship, they just want to touch the hem of your garment. Yeah. I have theory. The last tour I did I didn't take a support act at all.

Right. You dispensed with it entirely. I thought, I'll hire a professional raconteur. Oh yeah. Because if you're not going to have it, I took Peter Houston off. He was absolutely fascinating. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

So I've got an idea for the journeys when I'm with Mike and maybe we just need to play I Spy or pub cricket or something like that. Do you know that? Do you know pub cricket where you count up the arms and legs on the name of a pub? No, I don't know pub cricket.

If it's like Queen Victoria, you go, well, she's got two legs, so you get two. And then it goes to the next person. And if it's like the dog and duck, you get loads of legs. What about hare and hounds? Because the number of hounds aren't specified. Exactly. You just have to take a rough guess. What about the Heather Mills? Well, this is the sort of conversation we could be having in the car, isn't it? Yeah, you're right.

It's all ready. You're off. You're off and running. We've done about nine seconds already. But you have a day job, Emily. Surely there's a point where you run out of stuff to say at work to people that you see every single day. Never in my life have I ever run out of anything to say to another human being.

Really? I think it's so extraordinary when people say that. Many say it a lot. Oh, I've run out of things to say. Why would you run out of anything to say? I do talk a lot about myself. Oh, right. As Frank was saying.

So that kind of... Mike and I spent like ten hours together. You were saying that you do that with the support acts that you talk about yourself. Oh, yes. Well, I think there's certain fallbacks, obviously. What happened to the hovercraft? The hovercraft and the Bermuda Triangle. Yeah, I mean, Bermuda Triangle I've had to accept has become a little outdated.

I mentioned the Bermuda Triangle to people and they don't know what I'm talking about. The hovercraft, they have a vague memory of. But I say, you know, there's an in for you, because the hovercraft was invented by Sir Christopher Cockerell. Oh. So you could bring, you could say, you know I'm known as the Cockerell, Mike. Name another famous Cockerell who was involved in transport.

Well, there was a moment last week when it was very bad weather and we drove through some flooding when we were heading to Durham and a lorry put wind... You know when they do the big splash and it goes right across your windscreen and you can't see for a little while? So it was treacherous driving conditions and later on in the journey Mike described it as a puddle and I said, I think that was flooding, I don't described it as a puddle and I said I think

that was flooding I don't think it was a puddle yeah but you know it sounds a bit like a date your relationship this is what happens it's long it's long periods of just each other's company you see in the office with the girls in the office Frank I actually the other day I actually got angry with them because I didn't feel they were paying me enough attention yeah and I get in in the morning and I have to tell them everything. I offload. And one of them was working at the screen. I said, can you stop doing that and listen to me?

Wow. Yes. I was talking about my night out with Richard Bacon and George Lamb. They had to listen. I had a night out with Richard Bacon and George Lamb. They were present. I can beat that. It was a meat-based guest list.

I can beat that. I met Melanie Masson the other night. Shut up. Yeah. What about that? Do you know Melanie Masson? No, I don't. She's the 21st century Janis Joplin. Oh, okay. Wow. She's like the rock chick from this X Factor series. Long curly blonde hair. She's like, I call it

mum I'd like to hang out with a lot. Yeah, we had a difficult conversation. Am I going to cringe? Well, she seemed really nice and much more attractive, I thought, than she looked on X Factor. Right. But she said to me, I'd like to come and sing on your show. I said...

What, meaning this show? What show? Well, I don't know. I said, what show? I presume she meant some TV show. She said... I said, what show? She said, well, how many shows have you got?

And I thought, this is, you've got the wrong person. It's another Graham Norton moment. That's what I felt. I mean, it just got a bit awkward. And then it sort of felt like, because I moved on, because I didn't want to find out who she thought I was. And then I think she thought maybe I was rejecting the idea of having her on the show

because I don't have this show. I think it must be Graham Norton's show. Maybe she's a fan of this show and she wants to come in and do... She doesn't want to come on. How many singers do we have on here live? We've had one singer, David Essex, and he complained about us. Yeah, exactly.

Whereas Annie said Chinaman, which is no longer acceptable. He hated us. I think Melanie thought that I was Graham Norton. It happens to me a lot, new listeners. Awful. In fact, I've been living in a civil partnership for two years. I don't even know who the other person is.

I'm just trying to keep the peace, that's all. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochrane. You can text us at 9-12-15 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute.

Let me hear you say yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Are we heading towards email corner I'm not making you press the jingle Yeah do we have to jingle every Damn time we go there

I was only asking Email corner Email corner Email corner Email corner Email corner Email corner Yeah

Oh I like the fact it's had a remix Hi Frank, Emily and Alan. Listening to the podcast from Saturday, and Frank mentioned that some of the roughest estates in both London and Birmingham are named after famous writers. That sounds a very Frank thing to say. In my uni halls, our buildings are also named Chaucer, Byron and the like. Frank was right.

The like? Yeah, the X Factor band. They were good, I thought. I don't think they were... They didn't turn up as a band. They were individuals. They put them together. Is that a real band?

That would be good. The Like, yeah. It was a real one. I don't know if this is... No, it's Dax. Oh, you're pulling my leg. I see. Our halls of residence are known as the Bronx

and there is a gate and bridge separating us from the rest of the universe. This is a halls of residents at a university. It's not going to be that rough, is it? No, but he's saying that it's known as the Bronx. I guess the naming thing is just a coincidence. It'll be those boys who... You know, you get boys who wear a trilby at university.

Yes, I know them. Or the ones that are members of Rock Sock. They were always a bit dodgy. Well, this is actually from a girl, Laura. Yeah, but that's who she's on about, the boy in the trilby. Yeah. The Boy in the Trilby is my new novel. It's about an insecure young man who goes to university

and tries to carve out a colourful character for himself. Oh. The sequel is called The Boy with the Pipe. Oh, yeah. You know when the 19-year-old thinks, I want to go pipe, that'll make me look a bit more... It's a terrible error. It's a difficult time.

You're finding yourself, I think, at university, wouldn't you say? Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Those, of course, who don't go to university find it through binge drinking. But there are many... You know, my father's house has many mansions. Frank, we've had another email this is from jackie she says say that by the way the area i lived in uh near west bromwich was called the bronx

was it really yeah because it was we were closed for two weeks closed off because of a bronchitis outbreak wow and after that um yeah it was the, yeah. I would have sounded at home there today. Jackie says, I just heard the news that there will be no more Merlin after the current series. Can you believe that this has happened to me? And the timing. I've just got into Merlin. It's so hot right now as well. It's really on trend, isn't it?

Well, because, you know, because, please, dear listener, Emily and Alan are all, you know, have you seen Homeland? Have you seen The Warrior? Things that are on right now. What? Merlin is on now. It is on now. And I've just got into it, Series 5, I think it is, and I thought, I love this. This is going to keep me going to my death.

That's what I thought. And they've pulled it this week. But, Frank, you're going to have to find something else. I was thinking maybe Bergerac or Cadfire. No, this is a brilliant... It's the thinking man's Game of Thrones. Rosemey and Time? Have you seen Merlin?

No, I saw a bit of it once. No. It looked a bit seven-year-old boys in Wisconsin, I told you. My next thing was to ask my manager to try and get me a part in it. After his terrible failure of getting me a part in Doctor Who. My manager is here today. I got him to phone up Doctor Who and say I would play any part. Did you actually do that?

Yeah. Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I'll tell you what they said, because my manager told me this the other day. He spoke to the main person. I'm so embarrassed. I'll tell you what they said, because my manager told me this the other day. I spoke to the main person. This is mortifying. And she said that she was really glad to hear that that's something I wanted to do.

All stop. Now, surely there needs to be another part to that statement. And thus, we would like to offer, and thus, no. Something I'd like to do. Goodbye. Frank, he's only told you about 30% of that conversation. Let me tell you.

I was thinking I could be a brilliant... I'm thinking as a plague victim. But still, I've missed my window. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still sort of an email corner, Frank. Yeah, we were just talking about the fact that this is not really an experiment. It's more of a magic trick if you put crisp packets in the oven.

How long would you do them for, days, would you say? I can't remember. I think it was about a minute. No, I did it longer than that. And they shrink. At least 12. But they don't shrivel. They shrink to tiny...

I used to use it to simulate Action Man snack food. But Daisy made them into badges. I made them, yes, into badges and then put them on my bleached denim jacket, Quo style. What I should do is I've still got some crisp packets left from my Walker's Crisp Comet Relief campaign. I could make some lovely badges

and sell them through my website as novelty merchandise. Can I have the crisps out of those bags? They've gone past their sell-by now. Don't bother me. OK, that's the spirit. I'm in there. What else? We're still in the email corner, I think you'll find. Don't bother me. Okay. That's the spirit. I'm in there. What else? We're still in the email corner, I think you'll find.

We're still in the email corner, yes. I can smell it. I can smell the incense. Good morning, radio, brackets, mister. Ooh. Cockerel and Dean. Mm. On listening to this week's podcast,

the topic of road names which have been named after a celebrity, I remembered spotting an interesting road name when I was driving to a friend's house in reading a couple of years ago eton center road this being an extremely odd name to have in reading i did some research and apparently he did actually live here pre-formula one legendary fame oh and if emily ever happens to be 40 miles down the m4 i'd be more than happy to show her the delights of the Reading nightlife. That's from Chris. Thanks, Chris. I find that kind of amazing that Ayrton Senna used to live in Reading. Did he really? Well, also,

it's amazing. No, he did. He did live there. No, I checked this out. He lived there because it was equidistant between the two big, where the two big teams are. Is it Williams and... I don't know anything about Farrill or someone. But one of them's in Woking and one of them's...

Right. So he picked Reading. So he picked Reading. I think he lived there about two years. Ayrton Senna lived in Reading. And I like the fact that he picked it because it was equidistant. It gives him a sort of an air of Alan Partridge or something. It does.

Yeah, but that's what car people are like. This is the most convenient film. I watched that film. I persuaded my girlfriend to watch Senna. Have you seen it, the documentary? I haven't seen it. It's a fabulous film. But she said, I'm not watching this. I'm not interested in cars. I said, I'm not interested in cars. What do you think I am? I've just heard it's a brilliant

documentary. I hope you said it in that tone as well. It was great. Spoiler alert actually. It was great. Spoiler alert. About a racing car film. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert, actually. It was great. Spoiler alert. About a racing car film. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert, yeah. It was great that she didn't know he got killed. Oh, no. So it was a proper shock ending. She couldn't believe it. Are you still clicking your pen?

No, I'm clicking my fingernails. Oh, OK. Oh, come on, it is my back. No, and we were watching it and she said, he's a very, he's a very beautiful man. Oh God. As I pointed out to her, if we were watching a documentary, you know, a sort of hard-hitting, flying the wall documentary about say Lucy Pinder. Uh-huh. And I said, she's a very beautiful, I would never be hear the end of it. That would be the... Oh, man, the amount of stick I'd get.

You'd lose the use of your legs. Yeah. But she'll often say to me, she's in the streets, she'll say, he was a very beautiful man. Which is, boy, is that fair? Because you've had it your way about 2,000 years. It's our turn now, sorry. I mean, I daren't even mention Linda Lusardi again.

She's like a red rack to a bull This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio I have a pun alert coming up now If I was to say to you a news story this week Headline, Marseille what? Say what? Say what? Joey Barton's French accent. Oh, yes. He was in Marseille, wasn't he?

He was. And nobody seems to have seen the pun of Marseille. Oh, no, we've seen it. Say what? Sorry, just to correct you, we've seen it. All right, you two are a tough crowd today. You need to know that. I feel a bit bilious now.

I'm going to have to have a lie down. Frank's got his Cadphile hoodie on now. It's a in memoriam to Merlin. Can't believe they pulled Merlin. Even the kid who plays Merlin said, well, it's run its course.

He's thinking I'll jump ship now and then I'll get something for the sort of 20 something dude you know he's the life after man there might be work going on two and a half men you never know he could rise from the ashes is that a different thing he's trying to do a pun thing again no i wasn't i was just thinking you know leave the puns some kind of mythical he knows what he's doing that was the phoenix phoenix. He could rise like a phoenix, couldn't he? This is so two blokes in a pub. Can this conversation

rise like a phoenix in the ashes? That's the question. I mean the Joey Barton one or the Merlin one. You could have said this is a terrible mistake, but no, he said, no, it's run its course. Shut up! But then if you don't, you kind of end up campaigning for a programme that's been cancelled.

It always looks a bit needy, doesn't it? I know. I know people that do that kind of stuff. Yeah. Reggie Yates, his Radio 1 show, he's not doing it anymore. Mm-hm. And he says, I'm pursuing other projects. Right.

Now, he might well be, and it might all be straight, but don't say that because that's what people say when they've been pushed so don't say but when people say i'm pursuing other projects they mean usually like a big jigsaw i've just bought i used to hate it when i was younger people would say oh i'm in something tonight when i was sort of about 16 yeah my mates used to say that as well and you know they'd say sexist they'd say can you ring up the bbc speak to them and say how brilliant i was you have to do it it's not awful i always refused yeah um i know you did and now look at me anyway where were we joey we were with joey

he's been mocked but isn't there a bit of it that's sort of quite nice of him? So he was putting on a French accent for this press conference. He was speaking in English, but in the French accent. And his defence was that he didn't think they'd understand the Scouse accent. So he spoke English in a French accent. No, but he got the tenses wrong on purpose. He was using the present tense. He was going, I watched Lille yesterday. Yeah.

Why was he using the present tense all the time? Well, he went using the present tense he was going i watched leo yesterday yeah why was he using the present tense he went all the way um well he didn't do the footballers tense which of course which is i've looked up i've seen the defender um he didn't do that steve mclaren a former england manager of course famously did this when he went to uh it is difficult team he started doing all that stuff. He's an enigmatic character, Joey Barton, though, isn't he? There's something very interesting about Joey Barton. He can be a very horrible human being on the pitch, but a fascinating one off it.

I thought maybe that was it. Maybe that was it. Maybe he thinks that his sort of philosophy epithets, they come across better in a French accent. Well, he's probably right about that. I looked at his tweet page. Oh, yeah. And he says on it, can you do me a favour, from now on

all my tweets, can you read out in a French accent? You know, he very much embraces it. The one thing that put me off was that it said, you know, you write a thing at the top of the tweet thing, your sort of what is yours Em? Deputy editor slash radio sidekick

often it's a phrase or something and his was there is only one thing worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about, which of course is an Oscar Wilde quote, it's a bit tired and also it's not true talked about. Of course, it's an Oscar Wilde quote. It's a bit tired. And also it's not true.

Because there's a lot of things worse than being both talked about and not talked about. I mean, just off the top of my head, eczema. He's worse than both of those things. So I'll have to rethink on that one, Joey. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Joey Barton, Frank. Yeah.

There was a really good thing on the website. Oh, God, that's disgusting. Sorry. On the BBC website, on the story about Joey Barton doing the French accent, they had a psychologist woman who said, one thing that might be going on is that Barton is adapting his speech style to sound French because he's in France. And I thought, well, thank you very much.

That's what experts are like, though, isn't it? Remember, they used to get those psychological experts on Big Brother who'd say, yeah, the reason that he looked upset then is because he was upset. He's a bit angry. Yeah. You know, we were talking earlier about jobs we could do instead.

I reckon I could do that. Joey Barton, he also did this thing where he'd pause as if he was about to say, how you say? Yeah. Which he didn't go that far, but he'd say, it's a little bit boring. Yeah. With a question. He did it well.

He did. I suppose if you can't speak the language it's the next best thing i like it i think it's i do it all the time 100 whenever i'm talking to anyone i was sat next to an italian woman the other day and i did it totally i was at dinner really yes i did i think i might have said how you say about three times as well well i am i do it when anyone asks me what my son is called. Because he's called Baz. I've found people say Baz. That's in my accent.

I say, no, he's called Baz. Baz. And then I say, no, he's... And I say Baz to help them. But I find myself saying, no, he's called Baz. I have to have a little run-up. No, no, he's called... Oh, silly. He's called Baz.

Don't you see? So suddenly I have to go posh to say what my son's name is. I picked the wrong name, obviously. Frank, have we got time for a quick tweet? Shut up. I haven't finished talking about this yet. OK, I'm sorry. The other thing on his tweet page,

he retweeted a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche. Did he? That's very Joey Barton, though. It is. Is he trying a bit too hard? No, I quite like that. I wonder if he's hired a ghost intellectual to manage tweets. Oh, maybe.

Anyway, the quote is, We hear only those questions for which we are in a position to find answers. He's a bit Cantonese. I've got to say, I kiss him. He's Cantonese, yes. I disagree with that Nietzsche quote. Yes, I do as well. Do you? I hear all sorts of questions. bit canton art canton cantonese i've got to say he's cantonese yes i disagree he's a bit cantonese quote yes i do as well i hear all sorts of questions i actually don't understand it but that's okay bear in mind yeah we only hear the questions we've got answers for is it roughly

speaking okay well i've been to several pub quizzes that were exactly totally dispute yeah you can't say sorry i didn't hear that you watch a lot of quizzes on the old television, don't you? I guess everything. I absolutely guess. If there's one about Tibetan literature, who wrote the Fatai Hai? I'll go, Pei Hai. I'll have a guess at everything. If I ever get one, it'll be the best thing that's ever happened to me. That's all I'm saying. Frank, I'd like to take us not into Fashion Corner. I'm going to call it hair corner

okay um this is regarding k midi the duchess of cambridge who i'm a bit i'm a big fan of her work i have something to ask you about this yeah go on well she had a fringe cut this week did she well i'm calling it a hinge it's a half fringe exactly they're all calling it a fringe kate's new fringe this and k Kate's new fringe that. It's no Maxwell. It's not a, like, high fringe. No, that would be new. He had a very high fringe.

Well, yeah, he was bald, I would say. A fringe is, um, Jessie J. I've got a woman when she's in a geometric... Like a sort of Egyptian-y type thing. A fringe is a straight down piece of hair covering the forehead. Yes. Okay. Okay, Nicky Clark. egyptian-y type yeah a fringe is a straight down piece of hair covering the forehead yes okay okay nicky clark what she's done is she's let it grow a bit long and it's a bit floppy around the front she has a side fringe it's a hinge it's fine have you got one yeah i've got a hinge bit of a half

fringe see i would never call that fringe okay but i would say that you've got the same thing that the newspapers have been going mad about Kate for having they've been really excited about it haven't they if she had a proper fringe I think that would be extremely insensitive given the state of her husband's head well he's losing it more

isn't he now I think that's why she's grown hers to make the headlines nobody's looking at his I think on the stamps she's going to calm her straight across straight across his hers is a bit 70s i quite like it yeah i don't like it as much i think she's got a pretty face kate don't hide it away i think she should have a little sort of elf in

julie covington in rock folly's type of it! But you know, they were saying that now... Ashley! Google it. All the lookalikes have got to run out and do the same. There were some complaining, because obviously they have to keep up with her look. They have to look. You could have fun, couldn't you, doing that?

Oh, yeah. You could just gel it into a big point and all the lookalikes would have to go and do it. Jed would do it. This was a big problem with the David Beckham lookalikes have to go and do it. Jedward did. This was a big problem with the David Beckham lookalikes. They couldn't keep up. Yeah. No. Frank, do you know, actually, I had a couple of lookalikes

in... Did you? What, Emily Dean lookalikes? No! They were Brad and Angie lookalikes and they came into the InStyle offices this week. They were promoting something. Oh, it was a bit tragic, Frank. They had cupcakes or something, but she, the evening wear looked a bit stained. I mean, she was a bit tragic frank they had cupcakes or something but she the evening wear looked a bit stained i mean she was a good lookalike but then she left a hair

extension on the floor as well oh that was depressing and brad had scuff shoes yeah well you know you can't they're not going to be the same they're going to be similar no but there are presentation problems with the lower end of the food chain. Oh, come now. That's a bit cruel. The lookalike circuit, I mean. I don't need these people personally. I don't need to worry about them.

I worked with the Karl Marx lookalike. Did you? You've worked with them all. I said, is there much money in Karl Marx? He said, I do seasonal work as Father Christmas. Oh, good for him. Terrible clash of capitalism and communism.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had a tweet, haven't we? We have. I know. Why do you say it with such a sense of grim foreboding in your voice? I feel that the 21st century has burst into the room. Hmm. I'm excited about it.

Um, this is from Ella. She says, um, she's been matching the At Frank One Absolute team to fictional characters. Ah. Peter Pan equals Frank. Scholar O'Hara equals Divine Miss M. That's my Twitter handle. Oh, darn. Peter Pan equals Frank.

Well, I'll tell you her reason in a minute. Okay. And Alan is a lovable Scrooge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So, the reasons are, I decided Peter Pan for Frank because he would look rather... Let me guess. Is it because on stage I'm always portrayed by an adult woman? No, because he would look rather fine in that green outfit and has the twinkly eyes of youth forever.

Means I'll be able to hide in snooker halls. M as Scarlett O'Hara. Both ladies with attitude that know the difference the right dress can make. Scarlett O'Hara, we should explain to listeners who don't know, that's the main character from Gone With The Wind. A spoiled southern belle. Whose catchphrase was, Tomorrow is another day, which was the forerunner of the brief history of time

of which Stephen Hawking expanded. Absolument. I was just advertising another one of the French abstinence stations. Joe Barton's one of the DJs. That'd be good, wouldn't it? Absolument. Joe Barton could be the breakfast host. And then finally,

Alan will be Scrooge because he likes a bargain, a rant and an occasional sneer. There we go. Yeah, it's the lovable bit I've got a problem with. Fair enough. Yes, poor old Alan. Poor old Alan. Yeah, that's how that ends.

I feel bad about that. So, I've got a... Guess what I'm going to do Wednesday night? What? I'm going to see The Four. Oh, excellent. Yeah, they're playing in Islington in London. Oh, in a shed. Obviously, if you say hello, Dan, speak to me for too long

or I'll start running around like the Tasmanian devil. That'll be terrible. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. It's been lovely talking to you all. Have a fabulous week. Goodbye.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.