The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Selfie

Episode Date: March 15, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. It's the show's 5th anniversary and Frank is away so Emily is sitting in his chair and is joined by Alun and 'stand in' comedian Steve Hall. Emily discusses her recent 'getting to know you' conversations, the team give out suit advice, take a look at what is in their bags and the Frank Skinner team take on Joan Collins in an Ellen Degeneres inspired selfie.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, you're listening to the Frank Skinner Show. I'm Emily Dean and I'm standing in for Frank today. He can't be with us, he's gone to spend some more time with his family. That's not what it sounds a bit Tory MP. That's not true at all, he's just taking a well-earned break. The bad news is we miss him madly. The good news is there'll be no Bloodwind Pig being played this week,

which is, I'm sure, a relief to all of us. Today I have with me the Cockerel. Morning. Already we've had a row. I'll be discussing that in a minute. I don't consider it a row. Oh, I do, my friend. Stick around.

A contretemps. We also have Steve Hall in the house. Good morning. You're not just friend of the show. Hall in the house. Okay, Hall in the house. Do you think he's not just a friend of the show. Hall in the house. OK, Hall in the house. Do you think he's friends with benefits of the show? Is it?

Goodness me. I'm going to stick around after the show, then, if that's the case. I'm going to sort of mediate between this row, though. I'm a sort of UN peacekeeping force. The row's been awful. Well, we'll get on to that, but I should just say, you can text the show on 81215, or you can follow the show on Twitter. What's the Twitter handle, Alan?

I just did that because I was cross with you. It's at Frank on the radio. At Frank on the radio. Or you two have got your own Twitter handles, haven't you? Oh, yeah. Mine's at divine underscore miss underscore M-E-M. Is it? Yeah.

Steve? It's at Steve Hall comedy. To delineate myself from the Steve. Because there was that Steve Hall who came seventh in Britain's Got Talent. And I thought, I need to stamp my territory. He's the guy you need to be away from. Yeah. You could just be.

In the social media presence. You don't want to be at Steve. I think Steve Brookstein stole that one. He snapped it up early on. For my bad news, I have at Steve Hall tragedy. That's good. So Alan and I had a little row. What was it about Steve?

I don't really know It was to do with Well it felt like there was To be honest It felt like it was about A lot more than what it was about It felt like there was Several years of sexual tension Just rising to the surface

With the cockerel I thought it was going to end In just a long kiss I wish I could quit you Sandy was smiling at the prospect It's like that viral this week, me and Alan Except you go, no, you go first The row was in a certain sense about the heat in here

Indeed But in no way about what you've just described I can't help it if I'm giving off these vibes I'm a cold-blooded creature, that's it I just, I don't like rooms boiling hot And Emily wants it similar to the tropics in here I like like rooms boiling hot and emily wants it like similar to the tropics in here i like my rooms like lagos deal with it what's lagos is that is the place we basically we have options because there's for the for the benefit of the readers there

is a temperature gauge but also a fan gauge and uh our respective people here don't agree on... Emily doesn't like it too hot. Alan doesn't like it too blowy. Yes, exactly. I don't like it too hot. Emily loves it too hot. I should also mention, it's a bit of a celebration this morning. It's our fifth anniversary. You're not going to play it?

Celebrate! I will play something, actually. That's the best we can do. Thanks, Frank. You've had to improve your jingles. No, it's very exciting. It's five years. Five more years.

I'm talking about five more years. Speak to the people. Five years, that's far. I have to be honest. I'm a bit disappointed. I thought there was going to be a proper celebration. I thought there'd be surprises. I really did. Some media, maybe? I thought the was going to be a proper celebration. I thought there'd be surprises. I really did.

Some media, maybe? I thought the head of Absolute Radio might be here, and there might be some brass. Some brass bands. Oh, OK. They're going to unveil they've got you a special gift. It's a plane. It's been really difficult to get hold of.

Daisy. Thanks for that, Steve. Moving on. producer head in hands Daisy also she brought a cake in it's a bit of old cake I mean it's nice

it's not old I know but they're not matching are they shop bought they're not matching are they looks nice

can I tell you what the cakes remind me of you know when you go to someone's house around Christmas time and they go oh no Emily's come round let's go and wrap up

an old sock that's what they feel a little bit like but thanks Daisy anyway absolute absolute when you go to someone's house around Christmas time and they go, oh no, Emily's come round, let's go and wrap up an old sock. That's what they feel a little bit like. But thanks, Daisy, anyway. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a few tweets of shock at the fact that there are cakes and you in the same room.

Jati has simply tweeted Emily and cake. And Luke Solon has tweeted, those look like carbs. What will Emily do? Yes. I like the way you went a bit sports commentator there. It was good.

It doesn't happen often, me and cakes. But then I don't mind. See, I have this theory that I'd rather, I don't want to waste calories on bad food. I don't mind it. If I'm going to enjoy it properly, I want to enjoy it. Well, I'll eat a bit of it, and I'm mostly eating clean.

OK, then. But you do a fair bit of training, don't you? Because we saw that clip of you. Come on, Emily! Doing your deadlifts. I work out. She works out. I keep in shape.

I'll tell you what I've got to talk to you about, boys. I've had a busy old week, actually. Firstly, I went to a very posh celebrity restaurant called the Chiltern Firehouse. Oh, I saw you tweet about this. Hang on. Celebrities in there, or owned by a celebrity? Celebrities are in there.

Basically, I read that you can't get a table unless you're a celebrity. Right. Which seems rather unfair. Did you go with one to get one? Yeah, otherwise I wouldn't have got one. I didn't know you were hosting the tweet. Oh, hang on.

Frank's awfully excited. Yeah, of course you can have a table. It's't know you were hosting the treat. Well, hang on. Frank's awfully excited. Yeah, of course you can have a table. It's because it's from the same team who did Viajante. I beg your pardon. How dare you? Kate Moss was there. Daisy actually gasped. Did she eat much?

I don't know. Right. My guess is no. She had a glass of something. Heston Blumenthal was there. Oh. That's quite a tough gig if you're the restaurateur, isn't it? Does he just deliberately send back loads of stuff,

going, I'm sorry, this is undercooked, just to keep the competition on their toes? Well, it's a bit like doing karaoke when Adele's in the room. I felt really sorry for the chef. Professor Brian Cox was there. Wow. Brian Ferry, all sorts. And me, of course. But in those posh restaurants, I never like to say, where's the loo? Because it makes me look like I don't know.

Oh, yeah. Is this like asking how much a Porsche is? Yeah. You should be able to afford it. So I said to the waiter, I want to go to the loo, but I don't want you to point where the loo is. Honestly said this. He went, sorry? I said, I don't want you to be seen to be pointing in a direction so it looks like I don't know.

So can you just show me? So it looks like we're doing something sort of important on our way to something. Did he draw it on a napkin too? Like he just stooped down next to you and... They should have like a little pack of playing cards with maps of the locales so that he can distribute them. It could be on their website, like, next to the menu.

You can download directions to the toilet. Do you know what he did? He did it. He agreed. He said, OK, madam. He got up and we walked purposefully towards the loo just so at least I felt it looked like we might be en route to doing some business or something. Wow. Yeah. That sounds good. Wow. Yeah.

That sounds good. It was good. Oh, you know what I've forgotten to do this morning, boys? Is congratulate the McFly. Is it Tommy McFly, I think? Oh, yeah. Who's had a baby? Little Baby Buzz? Yes. That's original. Think of your own names, don't copy others. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show and I'm Emily Dean

standing in for Frank and we send big hugs to him. I do miss him when he's not here. We've heard from the outside world, Emily Dean. Yes. I think it might be about our very public spat about the heating in here. 566 has texted, Cockrell and Dean, when two worlds collide, social polar opposites. I'm not sure we're exactly social polar opposites.

We've got some common ground, haven't we? I'm not using the phrase Venn diagram because somebody emailed complaining that I say it. You can't just pick words that people say. Well, someone has tweeted me this week, actually, Al, and did say, is Alan going to be talking about Venn diagrams again? Is that true? Yes.

Oh, well, I'm glad to have lanced the boil early in the show. You can switch off now if you want. You've made good on the promise. We have sort of reached a sort of detente in the air conditioning war. We can retreat from air con one. Oh, very good. After the Cold War is over. I'm delighted.

Yes, but I said what I've done, I won't repeat the analogy I used, but I've given him too much slack here. So what I've done is I've said, oh, turn it, how high is it now, Steve? It's currently... We're at three bars out of four on the fan. Oh, we've never gone three bars. Frank will be turning in his duvet. I don't know what that means.

I'm not talking about the heating anymore. I've made it rule. Oh, but he will be talking about Venn diagrams. We've had another text. I took my mum to the Walsley once. Oh, the Walsley, lovely. I love it there. See, we aren't too well to be living.

I knew we overlapped on the Walsley at least. Walsley. And could only get a, whatever, and could only get a table near the corner, back right, I'm sure Emily knows. Oh, no. I faced the corner so that my mum could have a view of the room. I was a bit annoyed until Kate Moss sat on the table behind my mum.

She was like a prancing pony and my chat that day was rubbish. That's nice, isn't it? I was once sat next to Jimmy Nail in the Wolves League. I'm so glad you said Nail. What an exciting story. How was he? He was excellent. Yes.

I mean, I wasn't with him. No, no. But he seems like people were laughing. They were enjoying his company. Good. He was excellent. Yes. I mean, I wasn't with him. No, no. But he seems like people were laughing. They were enjoying his company. Good. Crocodile shoes. Did he have his crocodile shoes on? He did. Did he?

Brilliant. There's something very exciting about a celebrity in a restaurant. I don't know why. Because you feel you're sharing my space. We're breaking bread together, even though you're not actually sitting with him. Anyway, so you can text us in on 8.15 this morning. Have you seen a celebrity in a restaurant? Unless you're Heston Blumenthal, because it kind of doesn't count then.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking. What were we talking about? I can't remember. Well, I'll tell you what you've done. Go on. We got distracted.

Oh, yeah. And you've inadvertently started a texting. A deluge. I didn't mean to. Have you ever seen anyone famous in a restaurant? Oh, it's quite broad, to be fair, isn't it? But they love a broad texting. How dare you?

They do. Hi, chaps. I sat next to Sean Connery and his missus in Langhans. Oh, that's such a... When was it, 1973? And I mentioned to him that I'd never seen a James Bond film. As you can imagine, he was mightily impressed. All the best. Yeah, there's more.

Donna saw George Best in a restaurant in Ireland about 25 years ago. Was too nervous to ask for his autograph or picture. Oh. So you reap what you saw there? To be fair, I don't know if he would have remembered. We've also had our first sniffy email of the day. Have we? Sorry to be sniffy, but please tell Miss

Pedantic, I think that might be you. Sorry to be sniffy, but please tell Miss Pedantic that as far as I'm aware, there is no N in restaurateur. Oh dear. I think that might be one of those people that's correcting you whilst being wrong. In fairness, I did correct you

on the pronunciation of the Wolseley. So I deserve that. I take my 50 lashes. 792. And I rather enjoyed it. 792 has texted to say that they once saw Bill Murray in an Italian restaurant. Sorry, you just said texted. It's texted. Sorry. I'm going to leave now now sorry to be pedantic

they said they saw bill murray in an italian restaurant he strolled over took a bite of his pizza smiled and said no one will ever believe you and left apparently that's a thing he does that is a thing that is a bill murray i've read quite a lot of bill murray rumors what do you mean so what does he do he just well he'll just eat someone's food and say they'll never believe you i know there's some story that he went up behind someone and grabbed that you know covered their eyes and said guess who yeah and they were going is it dave like people they actually knew that would do that he said then they turned around and they went bill murray and he went no one will ever believe he apparently does it when he plays golf in st andrews uh he'll he'll occasionally find like a

late night student party for the university students and we'll go to the party and just do the washing up. Oh, I love him. Can we get him on the show? Oh, that would be good, wouldn't it? No one would ever believe us. I need to talk to you about Primark. I knew we'd find common ground eventually.

Words we never thought we'd hear on Absolute Radio. Emily Dean wants to talk about Primark. I like to keep it real. I prefer tea to the care to the MAXX, but whatever. Oh, I found you attractive briefly there. You seemed a bit street. Why, thank you. It's also because you're getting famous because you're doing this show.

Thank you. I went to Primark, and I quite like like Primark but there's a big one What has happened to you? No, this is what happens in the fashion industry so we mix it up Chanel bag, Primark shirt not today You mix and match your media

Do you see what I mean? Because it shows some skill Any fool can just go out and buy a load of clothes from an expensive shop That sounds like a euphemism for mutton dressed as lamb or something like that chanel bag primark shirt if you know what i mean yeah can you not mention the phrase mutton dressed as lamb in this studio um i prefer if you didn't so i went to primark and i was on floor one and i was feeling a bit mischievous i don't know why and i'd already had this encounter with the waiter during the week.

So I was already in talking to my people mode, you know. So I saw a manager. There was a manager. There was about six staff. And he was instructing them. They looked a bit scared of him. And he said, right, okay, can I just gather you round here? What we're going to be doing tonight is we're going to be bending the rules a bit.

We're going to be piling these t-shirts In bulk I know we don't normally do that But let's break the rules So as I ascended the escalator I don't know what possessed me I said I'm telling

I'm reporting you You had banter Yeah I had banter Well I thought it was funny One of them gasped They're obviously terrified of him They went He went what was that

And I ran up the stairs Because I suddenly lost my bottle You know what One of them gasped. They were obviously terrified of him. They went, oh! He went, what was that? And I ran up the stairs, because I suddenly lost my bottle. You know what? I bet they thought you were a mystery shopper, one of those ones that's there to see if everything's right, that you're on the payroll. It's easy to spot the mystery shopper. He's got a cloak and some kind of mask on. And it's a nail bag in Primark.

Although then, well, I need to talk to you about this. Then there was an incident with a security guard over by the Spanx. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I still can't get over that baby copying the name. Just think of your own name, you don't copy

other people's. True that. You were in the Primark. Oh that. You're in the Primark. Oh, yeah, I was in the Primark. They were teaching the staff how to behave. Surely that just involves saying, you know all the clothes that people chuck on the floor? Just leave them there.

That's how we run this business. Is that not what they do? I actually love it in there. They keep it very immaculate now. Do they? Yeah, it's almost as immaculate as my concrete patch. There's nothing on it. I went upstairs to floor three,

and I was... There's no easy way to say this. I was in the Spanx area. Right. And they've got a large Spanx area. Have you seen that, Daisy? I didn't mean that rudely. It's just most women are familiar with it

it's great the spanx area they've got everything some of the spanx i mean it basically goes from your ankles up to your neck you can it's like a morph suit you essentially wear under evening wear would the readers be familiar with spanx is i don't know yes shall we explain so spanx is it's some shapewear you might know as so so it's special underwear that you wear. It's like really tight leggings, isn't it? You know when you're with a lady and she comes back to yours and you think, what the hell have you got on under your clothes? No, I don't know that.

Some awful lycromorph suit. That is Spanx. And then they remove it and all flesh breaks loose. Well, it depends who you're with. But yeah, so what it does, it controls you and it keeps you in and it firms you, and it firms you. So it gives you what I call a nice silhouette in clothes. Right, okay.

And most women wear it now. Do they? Yes, I would say so. I love it. I love Spanx. Spanx has changed my life. Would it work on me? It would actually.

You don't need it. You're a little Mick Jagger, snaky-hibbed. A bit gangly at the moment, yeah. You don't need it. What Spanx don't do for the gangly guys. That's not their thing. I'm not sure, actually. Let me make some inquiries. Okay. So I was looking at the seamless shapewear.

So this is underwear that doesn't have any seams, so you can wear it under whites and things like that. So it's quite flimsy, but i'm looking at security guard he was a security guard he was not a shop assistant okay he said can i help you with those so thank you pardon he said i just wondered if you need any help with those sizings you've made this sound like the sexiest encounter of all time i said i'll tell you when it got less sexy i said i know which pants i want yeah because i do did he beat a hasty retreat i didn't need him helping me he didn't he still lingered oh dear he hung around maybe he thought you were a ne'er-do-well that was about

to steal the spank yeah yeah i said he's looked at you and he's thought no way this this hot honey needs spanks she's got to be up to no good. She would never need any shapewear. She's going to pop some of this stuff in her Chanel bag. It's a shoplifter's bag for sure. They'll say, hang on, that's Emily Dean. A month ago she was talking about which private jets she's been in. She's fallen on hard times.

No, it was very strange. She was lingering. And he was laughing and I just, I felt uncomfortable. I said, oh, I don't know if you should be here.

I did actually say that to him. You know what he said, which was such a strange response. He went, okay, have it your way. Have it your way. No air of menace in that conversation.

Why is it having it my way to expect not to be harassed by a security guard when I'm choosing my smalls? This could be a new film. Adult film situations that never develop into an adult situation. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Prince Charles, near enough a friend of the show, isn't he? We discuss him on occasion. He's a friend of the show, isn't he? Oh, absolutely. We discuss him on occasion. He's a friend of Frank's. I think he's inadvertently delivered one of the finest zings of the modern world. Joan Collins tried to get him into a selfie to mimic the Oscars one. Oh, no.

I don't know if this is a direct quote, but the Daily Mail headline has one politely declines, and I really, really, really hope he said that, because I'm now using that as my catchphrase. That's my thing. It's a good catchphrase. Today, when we go for brunch and they say, Sparkling water, I'll just go,

One politely declines. I'm going to do it all the time, on anything that I don't want. I just want people to offer me stuff, so that I can say, One politely declines. It's perfect. And I like that you put the Cochrane spell on it,

because it's much like corrections, rather than saying, Politely, you can say one politely declines. It's perfect. And I like that you put the Cochrane spin on it because it's much like corrections. Rather than saying politely, you've made it politely. Yeah. One politely declines. As a result of my plight, I must decline. Listen, what's your problem, you two? What's your problem? We didn't all grow up in NW lap of luxury.

He's spoiling for a fight this morning. What I like about the way, I'll do some more analysis of the way you say it, is that you give it some hovis, down-to-earthness. What, politely? Yeah. I don't know what I'm doing wrong here. You're doing it so right.

I'm being ganged up on, I think. Yes, so he didn't want to do the selfie. And I really identify with that. If there's an opportunity to not join in, I really identify with it. He sees it with both hands. That's why they call you Switzerland for that exact reason. And if there's an opportunity to not join in with the thing that Joan Collins is suggesting,

I think that would be great, wouldn't it? Well, we shouldn't even be into selfies. She should barely know what that means. When people mention selfies, she should be all confused and old. She should be. That's basically your version of the Groucho Marx quote. I refuse to be a member of any club of which Joan Collins is a member. Well, she's, to be fair, so she was doing it in a nod.

Was it sort of homage to Ellen, who'd done this selfie at the Oscars? The selfie that broke Twitter, they call it, don't they? Yeah. I'm not sure if Joan Collins' broke Twitter. I think the capacity was fine on Twitter. I think Ellen had 3.2 million retweets and Joan had 341 last counting. Yeah. Because wasn't it the whole thing with the Ellen one

was that it was a very clever marketing ploy for whichever phone took the... Let's not mention it. Let's not give them that. Yeah, good boy. So I don't know if Joan Collins has been approached by a manufacturer or whether it's just her sort of looking for some sponsorship. I must admit, even though she knows the word selfie, which I don't think she should at her age, frankly,

it shows on the picture her taking it, and it's obvious that she's using the central button on her iPhone. And I was thinking, come on, you can use the volume buttons on the top to take pictures. You should know that. If you're going to do selfies, at least know how to. I found it quite interesting. Top tip there for any iPhone users. I know, but she's gathered some people together,

and I think she thinks these people are all the rage. That's why she's got them. Yeah, it's quite a dream team of celebrities. It's a dream team. Well, we should say who's in it in case they haven't seen it. So we had Pixie Lott instead of Brad Pitt. We had Sam Bailey from X Factor instead of Jennifer Lawrence. And so Ben Kingsley,

who doesn't seem to have grasped the concept of a selfie, which is you smile and you look happy. He looked like a bank manager turning someone down for a loan. I was quite excited. I think he just photobombed it. He's not even meant to be in there. He was next to Dominic West as well, so you've got Gandhi and McNulty in the same shot.

Do you know what we're going to do this morning? What? We are going to do our own selfie of this breakfast show, and I'm going to see if we can beat Joan Collins' 341 tweets. If that's the case, we might have to put the heating down. I'm going to be drenched in sweat by the time this goes viral. We're going to put a smackdown on Joan Collins. Finally, this beef has been a long time coming.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. You're listening to The Frank Skinner Show, though. Confusing much. Frank's not here. I like the syntax of that. Did you like that?

I'm a bit Yoda. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Talking of the Twitters, we've done something. We've laid down a bit of a gauntlet, a bit of John of Gauntlet.

We decided, Joan had, Joan Collins had done a selfie, hadn't she? Yeah. To match Ellen. Ellen got 3.2 million retweets for Oscar's selfie. Joan got 341 with Pixieland, Ben Kingsley. And Jules Holland, he... Steady. I just don't think it was the best photo of him.

I don't think he looked very savoury in it but I'm sure he's a lovely chap we've just done our own selfie haven't we and we haven't even got Frank here although he was here in picture form we held a picture of him up we've just tweeted it so please feel free to retweet it from at Frank on the radio

and let's try and be Joan this morning this could be hubris of the most horrendous kind. We could be Icarus about to plunge into the sea as Joan Collins trounces us. I think we're going to get about five retweets. Five million? Five retweets. Five million. I reckon it could break Twitter again, just like the Oscars won.

I think we'll get maybe Frank's mother-in-law, Sandy Mason, might do it. And possibly Britain's fattest man. Those are the only people who will retweet it. Armin Mivers, can he be counted on? Has he got internet access? I think so. He's got other fish to fry. So we were talking about Prince Charles on Absolute Radio this morning.

Because he obviously turned the selfie down. Good for him. What did he say out when he turned it down? Oneitely declined politely i'm gonna start saying that to men i'm afraid one politely declines i've had graciously declined that's what american prs use a lot oh really i think once i'd asked to do an interview jennifer aniston i went jennifer graciously declines your request wow there. There you go. I bet she didn't. I bet she just said no. She said, get that woman away from me.

The prince has been in the papers for other reasons. Ironically, for not being PC. Prince Charles, non-PC. What happened? Was this at the same event? The selfie gate happened? I don't know. I'm not certain.

I think not certain. But he said to a Scottish comedian, Des Clark, that he doesn't understand Scottish people, especially when they've had a drink. Which is a big thing to say, given that he was in Scotland. But I think he was then also joking, because he said to him, I'll make sure I speak to you before five p.m. Is that what he said?

Who can I ask? Who is this Des Clark? Because he sounds like a character from Coronation Street. No, he's just a comic. Oh, is he? Is he quite... He's a very good stand-up comedian, yeah. OK. I think he'd done some stuff on kids' telly at some point, or something like that.

I think he was on SMTV. Yeah, that's it. For a wee while. So why did Charles say that? I think he was on SMTV. Yeah, that's it. For a wee while. So why did Charles say that? He's gone a bit his father. Well, I just imagine that there are certain words that Scotsmen would use to him that he wouldn't know. So he'd be there going, what is a posh raj?

But also, I think it's... Sorry, what is a posh raj? We can't talk about that, can we, right now? No. I'm sure. It's just a nice term. It's a term of endearment for the royalty. I think also, what I thought was slightly hypocritical

is that I think posh people are infinitely worse when they're drunk than Scottish people, accents-wise. Yes. Wouldn't you say? Yeah. Are you going to do an impression of a really posh drunk person? Maybe. Go on, then.

Do it. I'd be glad to see. Go on. Do your little voice. No, I'd be glad to see. I'd be glad to see. Go on. Do your little voice. No, I'd like to take you by surprise. Oh, OK. Well, the zenith would be a very posh, very drunk Scottish person. And you do get there are many posh Scots.

Yeah, but you can't tell, though, can you? You can't tell. Like, when they're really posh, they're like, you'll see a son from Scotland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, I know those ones. I've got one. I've got one. I've got a friend who goes,

I went to theatre's college. Nice. That's my Scottish impression for the day. And then you might hear my posh one later. I don't like to do it on command. I'm not some sort of performing monkey. Oh, yes, I am. Go on.

Sorry, I'd forgotten about that. Shall I do it? Go on. Okay, no, I might do it in the next link but in the meantime can we check on the Twitter and see how those retweets of that selfie, have we had any yet? If we get less

We haven't got one Oh no I tell a lie, possibly, they're coming through If we get less than three I'm ending it all It's like a Blue Peter totaliser. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Guess what?

You know, we're retweeting our very own selfie in the style of Ellen, more in the style of Joan Collins, to be honest. And we had Sandy Waugh. We had all of the team. We had a photo, a rather tragic coloured photocopy of Frank. of Joan Collins, to be honest. And we had Sandy Waugh. We had all of the team. We had a photo, a rather tragic coloured photocopy of Frank. And we've already... How many retweets have we got, boys? I'm counting.

We're up to 110, I think. 116. 116. So we've only got... How many more? We're almost halfway there till we beat Joan. Come on, we can do this. Alan, if ever there was a time for you to get a Twitter account.

I'm going to make a prediction that by the end of the show, we're somewhere in between Joan Collins and Ellen. OK. That would be good. That would be good. What do you think of that for a prediction? Check out Nostradamus over here. Can I also give a shout-out to those people who are favouriting us?

Don't favourite us. That's a complete waste of time. I hate favourites. It doesn't mean no... I hate favourites in general, by the way. To be honest. If you want to say you like something of mine, tell the world. Don't tell me.

Yeah. It'd be a good name for a horse. You should say a very specific thing on Twitter. It's a complete waste of time. Yeah. You could call a horse Retweet, and then it became the favourite. Oh, that'd be good. That would be excellent.

Yeah, so carry on retweeting. The selfie, I don't get it. I don't get it. There's so much about this I'm not into. Just eat your old cake and be quiet. I've been photographed this week, though. Have you? In a selfie capacity, in a future publicity shots capacity.

Oh, lovely. One needs a picture. Oh, hi, Charlielie prince charles would say were you in one of those big uh wicker chairs uh emmanuel style no i was quite often in streets this time because my mate craig who's a photographer who i mean he does photos for a living but um i happen to know him and he's done various of mine in the past and so i said i'd like another photo and he said i haven't got my studio anymore. We'll do some outdoor ones.

Lovely. So we did. And he likes this muse. There's a muse that he likes the lights in. Oh, yes. Near Lancaster Gate. Near Lancaster Gate. So we're doing the photos in the muse.

And he gave me, you know, they've got loads of stuff, haven't they, photographers? All the equipment. They bring the gobbins. They bring all that stuff. And, you know, that big thing that they open up out of a pouch and there's a big silver sort of the reflector yeah the reflector looks like a pop-up tent but it's actually just looks like you're going glamping so he asked me to hold that so i'm holding it right and he's going oh that's good the light's bouncing onto your face now. He's taking the pictures, and then a Chinese woman came past, right, and started looking at the reflector as if I've got a tray of cakes or something.

She walked up and just leaned her head as if to go, hello, what are you offering? Looked at me, not disappointed, not pleased, just... Just intrigued. And just stayed there, stayed over Craig's shoulder. Did she? Craig turns around a few times. He went, hello.

Never spoke to her. Just stayed, thinking eventually there's going to be some cakes or something, some sausage rolls. If this was like a Philip Pullman novel, she could be your familiar. She was just looking like, oh, this guy. And I had a suit on. I had a nice suit on. I bet you did. She was looking as if, this guy in the suit, he's lost his volovance off the train. What's going on here?

So does that mean when they get the results of the photo shoot, will they go, well, why does Alan look confused and slightly annoyed in all these photos? Possibly petrified. Probably angry. One of those moments where I wanted to say to Craig, she is there, isn't she? There is a Chinese woman there. Can I ask you, how flattering are they on a skirt? Are they?

I haven't seen them yet. In the event of something terrible happening to you, would you let your family release them to the Daily Mail? Well, I don't know. That's my test. I'll tell you what is a bit of a worry. Yeah. We then moved and we did some in Carnaby Street,

which also worked. He was pleased with them. And then we came to Absolute and I changed out of my suit and into some casual wear and we went to an alley round the corner, which smelled of... I don't know if I want to finish this story. Well, let me finish. It smelled of urine

and Craig was going, this is much better. This is really good. And it turns out I'm the guy who is photographed really well in alleys that smell of urine. Did the Chinese woman follow you? Yeah, she was around. She's here now. She's in the lobby waiting for me. Don't you love his story?

Looking forward to the cakes. I love his story about how I didn't know who she was. He's just tried to think of an excuse for his wife about why he was in an alley with that woman. Disgusting. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You know, I think it's time

to go, boys. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's rather unpleasant. Email to go, boys. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's rather unpleasant. Email Connor! We have had an email from Mike in Edinburgh. Yes. He says, Frank, Emily and Alan, good morning

to you all. Good morning. You probably didn't know at the time of sending that it was going to be you, Steve. It doesn't affect me. I know my place. We've discussed this many times. I'm just grateful for the work. I don't know my place, actually. It gets me out of bed. I've done a lot of gigs on a Saturday morning for comics.

Mike says, on last week's show, Emily cracked an excellent joke that went completely unacknowledged by Frank and Alan. When Frank was describing trying to find and locate the moon for Buzz... Can I just say the first Buzz and the best? The original Buzz. Yes. Can I just say the first Buzz and the best and the original? The original Buzz. Yeah.

Not, well, Buzz Aldrin, the second Buzz after Buzz Aldrin. The best Buzz, in my opinion. It is difficult to say that someone's stolen the name if there was one before. No, not in recent times. And of course, Buzz Aldrin wasn't really called Buzz. Yeah, not in recent times, though. The Premier League era Buzz. Anyway, so we'll continue.

He concluded by saying, Frank concluded by saying, I saw the crescent, to which Emily replied that she too saw the crescent, but you saw the whole of the moon. Yeah, I did say that. Waterboys reference, lovely stuff. Frank and Alan may be the professional comics, but they should pay more attention to Emily's bon mots. Sorry, can you just read that bit again?

Bon mots? They should pay more attention to Emily's bon mots. OK. Emily's got some lovely bon mots. I've just got that for my text alert now. I've been paying really close attention to Emily's bon mots all day today, so I think that's fine, isn't it? That's fine.

I've turned the fan down now. To be honest, this chat... They've missed that one as well. They miss everything. Because he's buttered Emily up with that, and I think now he's moving into his real... Can I just offer my rebuttal before we move on? Because I don't think that I...

You like big rebutts, and you cannot lie. Yeah, exactly. Very good. See, look how much love he got for that joke. If I'd have said that, he would have ignored it. I didn't not laugh at this on purpose. I don't want you thinking that I'm one of those guys that's like, oh, yeah, the woman...

I just didn't get it. My musical knowledge is too low to get... Maybe you're too young. Nah. Really? It's just, you know, I don't data retain. I don't always have lyrics in my head. I don't data retain either. Although it's have lyrics in my head. I don't data retain either.

Although it's odd that you would have referred to that song because supposedly that song is meant to be about Prince, who I believe you don't like. I don't just not like him. I despise him. The rumours are it's either about Prince or C.S. Lewis. Is that right? Which is a fairly unusual...

Yeah. What in the world could it be about Prince? How did he see the whole of the moon? What in those purple velour leggings? I don't think he saw much at all. And that cloak. Anyway, we're getting slightly away from the real thrust of Mike Zemo, which he's butted you up with your bon mots.

And I liked it. And then he said, that aside, I need suit help. Next Tuesday I have to go for an interview, which will require the purchase of a suit, not a common occurrence in my past past and I'm ashamed to say. However, as Frank is the original man in a suit and Emily lives and breathes fashion, would you be kind enough to give me advice as to what type of suit you would recommend? Colour, style, plain or striped, etc.

If you address this issue today, I will have this afternoon and Sunday to make my purchase. Obviously I have a lot of opinions on this but I want to mix it up a bit. I think it would be much more interesting to get both of your opinions on what suit he should go for. Alan Cochran? I'd like to know where he is in the country, because if he's in London, I can recommend a very good suit shop. To see if there's branches, Mr Buy Right.

But more importantly than what type of suit he buys, can I beseech the gentleman in question? Can I beg of you? Get it to fit right, because it really annoys me that 99.9% of men in Britain buy a suit that's ill-fitting. I was told recently that when you have your suit on and the button done up, you want to be able to fit two of your fingers down the armpit bit.

I don't want to fit any of my fingers down there. Not three, not three. Two. That's a reasonably tight-fitting suit, which is why when David Beckham's on the pictures in the Daily Mail, there's loads of comments saying, this suit's too small, this suit's too small, this suit's too small. It's not. It fits. And yours doesn't. That's the problem with society.

Slaughtery clothing rant this morning. No, I would agree with you, Alan. I would agree with you. It should be snug. And there should be about an inch of your sleeve showing, the problem with society. Clothing rant this morning. No, I would agree with you, Alan. I would agree with you. It should be snug. And there should be about an inch of your sleeve showing. Your shirt sleeve from the bottom of your cuff. So there. And don't wear a caramac slip-on with the suit. I personally would say go three-button.

Caramac. I call that particular shade of shoe that men favour caramac. I see, right. I briefly thought that you'd got very... had a real fashion faux pas and just turned up in some caramacs. No, I would never do that. We're going to have to play some music, I'm afraid, but, Steve, the nation is itching to know what you would advise,

so we'll be back with that in a minute. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've got a text from 546 that says, loved the cockerel's impression of generic Daily Mail reader. Yeah, well, they get angry about the wrong things. Well, I left you hanging during that last link. We were going to talk about Steve Hall's sartorial tips. In fact, during that break, I should just say,

I heard Steve saying to Alan, well, I've got a fitting next week. Sounded like Kate Middleton. Yeah, well, when I was working on the last series of Russell Howard's Good News, the way I would unwind on a Friday night would be I'd get drunk with my wife and I would order suits on eBay.

So I bought, over the course of the series, I bought about ten suits and had the series... It's expensive. I bought about ten suits and had to send nine of them back because they didn't fit. Did you order whole suits on eBay? Yeah, I bought whole suits. So what I'm wearing now, this little jacket, Paul Smith, that is an eBay purchase. How many pints was that? This was a bottle and a half of wine. Do you know what? It's lovely.

It's a nice... This is the only... It's worth it. Your drunken purchases are better than mine, which is thong-thong, as we all know. He's only got one out of ten right, though. That's not great. Yeah, it's not great. It's not a great batting average, is it? And so Russell Howard's gift to me, very generously,

at the end of the series was a Tom Sweeney bespoke suit. That's nice, isn't it? And I've never... I've always... I'd never had a suit fitted, ever. And the bespoke experience, you feel so special. It's nice. It's like when, we've talked before about when we went for a Turkish shave. We went for a hotel shave, it was lovely. And you feel like a proper gentleman.

You feel like you could be on the pages of GQ. What's Frank ever given me? Other than career fulfilment. Happiness is what he's given me. They're so attentive. I've had the first measuring on Monday again to see what they've done. And when I was in there, Jack Whitehall's dad was in there. Oh, nice.

I got quite excited. I bet he's a tricky one to fit. I just mean I bet he knows what he wants. Yeah, rather than his unusual body shape. That means difficult. I don't know what Mike in Edinburgh's budget is, but if you can go bespoke, go bespoke. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I believe we're still in the email corner. We are, we are. In that case, allow me to bring you another missive.

Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. Being a biker... Oh, lovely. Excellent. You were pretty mean about... Being a biker. I love that. I love that book. Pretty mean about bikers.

It's a section of Email Corner, Biker Grove. Oh, yeah, nice. Very good. Very good. Can I just say, on record, how much of a fan I am

of the Hairy Bikers. I watch their programme. They're great, aren't they? They're brilliant. They're really great. They're great. I like being a biker, though, Al. I think it's a bit like I, Claudius.

I'd read that. This is partly because we ended up talking about me having a little daydream. I like the idea of having a motorbike. Being a biker, I'm used to not knowing how much fuel is left. Until recently, bikes didn't even have a fuel gauge information. So I don't tend to be too scared by the fuel warning light being on.

This is in relation to your girl's empty conversation last week. Yes, because I said I like to ride it right down to the wire, Steve Hall. Terrifying. I drive on zero. Steve continues, When I use a courtesy slash hire car, which almost always comes with barely enough fuel to drown an ant, I always have a full can of petrol to pop in the boot

so I can avoid having to put any fuel in. This has led me to be quite brave and drive courtesy cars Steve. I can't do this to save money on fuel as such. It's more to see their face when I return it with even less fuel than they provided it with. That is all, Steve. Prisoner 6400. Steve. I'm impressed. I'm really impressed. Well, firstly, can I say I'm impressed by barely enough fuel to drown an out. That's very get your motor running. Yes.

Isn't it? And slightly terrifying about what he would do. I admire his commitment, though, his devotion. I have a slightly pernickety point to make. Go on. I thought you weren't allowed to drive with petrol in your boot. I thought that was like a thing. Isn't it a fire hazard?

Well, I don't know about that. I don't care about fire hazards. What I do care about is there's no jeopardy involved. And I'm sorry, but I don't think it counts. I think that's like asking a woman out when you've got a girlfriend at home that you're about to break up with. You're not actually putting your neck on the line there, are you? Nothing bad is going to come of that.

You've compared a woman to a can of petrol. Not for the first time, Steve Hall. If I did that, my career would go up in flames. Lovely. Frank would be so proud of your work today. Point a can of petrol and say fill her up This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Steve who did just text in

emailed in about driving on empty with the petrol in the boot has reminded me that after we talked last week for so much time about driving with the fuel light on, I then did a gig and tried to drive home the whole way with the fuel light on. And I reckon I did 50 miles after the car said 30. Oh, sorry.

I'm a bit hot and bothered by that. It started to flash at me and I got too scared and I had to find the services. I pressed, you know, the thing on the sat-nav where it tells you. Oh, you've let me down. I bottled it. I just couldn't do it. You see, that's why I won't get intimate with you because for that... That's not why.

For that reason, I'm out. That's not why. I started having morbid fantasies that I was going to be stuck on the motorway in the middle of the night thinking, what do you gain by that, you idiot? Just for playing dare with your own petrol. It's ridiculous. I did get a lot of night moves this week on Twitter and it was all gauge related. I must have had 50 petrol tanks tweeted at me. All on the red line. I rather enjoyed it, I must say.

Men who like to flirt with danger. How dare you call me danger. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning. Frank can't be with us. I'm not going to elaborate on why.

There's nothing sinister, actually. He's just spending more time with his family. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. And Frank will be back next week, so don't worry, Frank. The show's in very capable hands. The retweets of our selfie are carrying on apace. We can be very proud of this.

Oh, this is so embarrassing. Frank, I'd like to apologise to you. We decided, because Joan Collins had done an Ellen selfie, we did ours, and you weren't even here. The celebrity wasn't even here. We had a picture of him. I don't know if I want to know.

Joan Collins, Ellen had 3.2 million retweets. Joan Collins had 341. How many have we heard? Well, we're up to about 175. I checked a few minutes ago. But what I also checked, and I fear sabotage may be taking place, I checked Joan Collins's, and hers are up to 452.

Oh, no. She's raised the bar. Yeah, and she's had 400 favourites as well. So she's thrashing us in the favourites. I've heard there's more than that, but that's another story. 400 favourites, several of those are just Anthony Newley. Actually, we're up to 183, I've just checked. Yeah, but there are 400 favourites, several of those are just Anthony Newley. Actually, we're up to 183. I've just checked.

Yeah, but there are 33 favourites. Can I just say, people favouriting, stop it. Stop it. Just retweet us. It's actually realising

that Joan Connors' achievement is actually a bit more impressive. This has been a lesson in us being humble before the Twitter gods. No, can I just say,

that was over the period of perhaps a week. We've only had two hours, but anyone... But they have been the longest two hours Anyone tuning in now, please retweet us. No, can I just say, that was over the period of perhaps a week. We've only had two hours, but anyone... But they have been the longest two hours of our lives. Anyone tuning in now, please retweet us. No, don't. We're not going to beg for retweets. Alan's already ticked me off for that. Have I? Can I get a retweet?

We won't beg, Al, will we? We're better than that. Are we? I'm starting to think not so much now. I'm personally not, but I thought maybe you two were I thought by now we'd have thousands but this is what happens isn't it well there's only 400 people listening to the show

what were you expecting don't tell them that they'll all feel more special than they ought now there's a news story I saw this week and I saw it and I thought of you Natasha Kaplinsky how dare you

that's too far I saw the story and I I thought of you. All right, Natasha Kaplinsky. How dare you? That's too far. I saw the story and I immediately thought of you. It was a survey into women's handbags. Lovely. And it said that the average contents of a woman's handbag, the contents add up in value to 284 quid. And I thought that would be a fraction. Your diary alone would be worth thousands.

Did you get your purse stowed then? Yeah, I would say, no, that's quite a lot of money, isn't it? £284. Yeah, isn't £280 that in money, though? Because the bag is £4. Yeah, that seems quite a lot. I don't know where they did this survey. Buckingham Palace, maybe?

Well, I was intrigued because there was a number of interesting findings. They said 3% of women admit to owning more than 100 bags. And as well as the usual essentials... 100? 100 bags. Lightweight. And as well as the usual essentials, weird things that were listed in being in women's bags were a lock of dead cat's hair uh climbing crampons and a piece

of coal i'm so glad i'm so glad i like the idea that was all in the same exactly it implies it's some sort of mountaineering witch it's the weirdest escort work ever is what it is um well in the interest it's funny i i did um look in my bag and i've looked this morning and i can tell you what i found tell us i can exclusively reveal what's in the bag is I've looked this morning and I can tell you what I found. I can exclusively reveal. I've made a list of what's in the bag. What's in the bag? Maybe a little more than voice like that.

In the bag this morning Alan we've got, this is all genuine items, genuine in my bag. Three lone almonds. Oh yeah. Two, this is is ultra i'll show you two waxing strips this is a weird version of the 12 days of christmas so far there's no partridge in that um facial waxing strips facial facial yeah okay um one. OK. One pair of ballet pumps.

One pair of ballet pumps? Yeah. Two false eyelashes. Wow. One $10 bill. This is turning into the most middle-class version of the Generation Game of all time. One $10 bill. He didn't tip very well. This is genuinely true.

A business card from the head concierge at the Oberberoi mumbai his name was edwin saldana you're giving out his name yeah hey edwin not his number and a business card more unusually a business card from nigel farage wow whoa yeah i met him when i was on this morning um what what what would that tell you about me, the contents of that bag? That you're quite a globetrotter. That men give you their business cards. You're a globetrotter, but you're suspicious of Romanians and Bulgarians with the nausea far out of your business cards. I didn't ask for that card, to be fair.

It was thrusted upon you. It was thrust upon me, yeah. But yeah, I'm very strict about men looking in my bag. I won't have them rummaging in there. Well that is one of the things in the article that quite a lot of men don't like the idea of looking in their partner's bag. I'm the same, I wouldn't, I don't want to look in my wife's bag.

She hasn't got a designer bag though, she's got one of those satchels, you know the bright yellow London satchels. Oh yes, I like a satchel, yeah. There's no designer bags in our house. I've got more designer luggage than my wife does. Yes, I expect you have. I bought a Mulberry suitcase when I was drunk on eBay once. Well, it feels like the thing, you should only do it if your wife says,

can you get something out of my back? Yeah, can you pass me the lozenges or something like that? Oh, the old, yeah. The old, I asked for. You know what, I can see you as being a bit of a rummager, Steve. Can we do mine? I've got a spiky ball and some baby oil. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We should say you can text us this morning on 8-12-15. Or you can tweet us on at Frank on the radio. You can retweet our picture. Not saying desperate. Maybe. I know. morning on 8 12 15 or you can tweet us on at frank on the radio you can retweet our picture i know um what else was i gonna say i can't remember days what else was i gonna say oh i know you're gonna ask me about my spiky ball no it was something else but talk about your spiky ball and then i'll remember what i was gonna say genuinely in my bag I carry a spiky ball that I use for self-myofascial release,

which my wife hates it when I give it its full name. Something has just come up saying too loud on the screen. Oh, yeah. When I say self-myofascial release... I would say too filthy creepy. That's the sound of the universe shrieking. It's basically like a massage ball, but, you know, I have a tight glute.

Yeah, you heard. And so I sit on this little ball, but also in my bag I do have baby oil, and so I just worry that if somebody was to go through my bag and go, oh, my God, he's got a spiky ball. What do you do when you go through customs? Well, I don't... You don't take your spiky ball and your baby oil with you.

To be honest, I haven't been through customs since I've had the self-manufactured release habit. You've got the spiky ball. Yeah. You've got the bay ball. You also have one of those carry-on wheelie suitcases. I do, yeah. Which do look a bit like you work nights, shall we put it that way?

Yes. It's all a bit Spearmint Rhino. Do you know what I've been thinking? The wheelie suitcase. I might start... I, too, like yourself, carry around nuts, so I find sometimes I just find, like, three cashews in the bottom of the bag and that's been annoying me. You know what I might start putting in there?

What? I fancy a Swiss Army knife. Just for those times when you think... I'd love me one of those. You know when you think, oh, I wouldn't mind a plum. I could slice a plum and eat it off the knife like Huckleberry Finn or something. Is that your version of I could crush a grape? I could slice a plum.

Jacob Francis really doesn't get enough quoting on commercial radio. Alan's new take on I could crush a grip. I could jump off a doll's house. I know them all. What's in your bag, Steve Hall? It's fairly undramatic. We should say, sorry Steve, you should text us in on 8.12.15 because I want to know the strangest thing.

I know it's quite late in the day for this, but, you know, deal with it. I did for a while have squeezy hand grippers when I was trying to get my hands stronger. I was carrying around a little squashy egg. Squeezy hand grippers? Yeah, you know, to make your grip strength better for the grappling. No, I don't know that. For the grappling. I don't know that.

Alright, fair enough. Squeezy hand gripper. My wife is a psychologist and she once alarmed a patient because she was reaching into her handbag to get a glasses wipe and accidentally pulled out a whole carrot. Which, given, I don't know how disturbed her patient was if they thought they were seeing things. Now, what about when I delved into my bag?

That's just it. No, what about when I delved into my bag? That's just it. No. What about when I delved into my bag and I was in the newsagent, I told you that story and I'd been having a Saint-Pétain and the little pants that they make you wear, the paper pants, and it had all the Saint-Pétain on it. It was all brown. Oh, how ghastly.

And they were hanging off my purse. Oh, that's disgusting. I know. And the newsagent thought that. He went, oh, God. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were running a little text in of what's in your bag.

This is probably what I'm asking. What's in your... Now, you've got to do an olden accent. That's how I like it. What's in your bag? I did do an olden accent. Oh, yeah? That's what I have. You could do it in's how I like it. What's in your bag? I did do an Northern accent. Oh, yeah? That's what I have.

You could do it in like, oh, God, what's in your bag? I like... Sorry that I've just had a go at Alan for not being Northern enough. It's the first time for everything, isn't it? Anyway, 076 has texted with what's in his bag. He by gum 076 has texted with what's in his bag. He by gum 076. He says, latex gloves. Odd excuse, fixing bike punctures.

Now it makes sense. You should have said fixing tuk bike punctures. Fixing tuk bike punctures. As a fellow cyclist, I occasionally cycle with a packet of wet wipes in my bag. Do you? Yeah, for the odd little... As a single lady, I do the same. Yeah, all the single ladies, all the cyclists.

That's how the song goes, isn't it? I love that remix. Steve Hall in the house. Hello. Hello. It's a pleasure to be back. Or as a couple of the texters have called you, the intruder.

Oh, is that what they've called him? The stand-in. The stand-in and the intruder. I often get called the intruder in other contexts. How are we doing on that Twitter account? Oh, gosh that what they've called him? The stand-in. The stand-in and the intruder. I often get called the intruder in other contexts. How are we doing on that Twitter account? Oh, gosh, you two. No, I know, I've got quite obsessed. I'm a very competitive person.

You two are like a couple of teens with this popularity contest. Well, I've been informed by one of my regulars, don't forget to add the retweets of this retweet from Frank on the radio, which will be counted separately. Alan pointed out that was a bit... What did you say, Al? It's like winning on points, isn't it? It's depressing, if anything.

Winning on goal difference or something. Well, that means in total so far, we have beaten Joe Collins. We've got boffins in lab coats working behind the scenes as we speak. It may feel like a victory on away goals,

but, you know, you need to be winning these because if you can grind out a win against Joan Collins, it all counts for the title at the end of the day. This is true. True that. It's tricky.

Oh, Joan. We're going for the kind of George Graham approach to the victory, aren't we? We're ugly. Week in, week out. Yeah. 1-0.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser as I believe Vince Lombardi once said. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So, Steve Hall, you've had quite an interesting week, I understand. Yes. Well, since I've last been on, I get to the occasional writing gig. Oh, lovely. Writing jokes for people more photogenic and better at performing than I am.

Tush, tush. Come on, dear. Oh, Steve, don't put yourself down. We'll do that. So I did a couple of days on a sports quiz show. Lovely. Can I identify the show? It's a very...

Crazy. I did a few days writing on a league of their own. Did you? It was a fantastic show. It's a genuine treat to be on. Yes. They get some big guests on that, don was it was very exciting and um on my first day on the show one of the guests was one of the genuine heroes uh kevin keegan no way and uh and

i i would love it if i met him i would love that and he's brilliant he's got he's got a genuinely lovely sense of humor about all that stuff. Oh, good. So we were sort of nervously wondering what he... I don't want to ruin... I won't spoil or anything in the show. No, no spoiler alerts. But he was just up for anything.

But I got to sit with him for half an hour, and we were just chatting. I'm a Southampton fan. He was telling me about his days at Southampton. Oh, Steve. I was wondering... Did you go a bit competition winner? Yeah, I was completely...

Did you? I felt like a Make-A-Wish kid. Oh, did you? Did you, because... Did you go a bit competition winner? Yeah, I was completely... Did you? I felt like a Make-A-Wish kid. Oh, did you? Did you take a picture of you and him? No, I managed not to, because I thought, I prefer the memory. I don't need the photo. Do you know what I like? You've got really excited when you're talking about this.

Like a kid telling the parents they've met someone. It was weird, because one of the other guests, they had some cricketers on. And the cricketers didn't... Oh, that's a shame. That's the interesting part. It's like the flaw in the rug, isn't it? And I was chatting to a few people about this. What is it about meeting footballers in particular that means so much more?

So even hanging out... It means a great deal to me, I tell you. Jamie Redknapp. Lovely. Brilliant. Delightful human being. And it was quite weird. Glass legs, but delightful human being.

That's what they used to say about him. He was showing me some of his scars. He's had a lot of operations. But I was intrigued. I'd like to know who the two of you, who have you met who has properly blown your mind? Who have you lost it over when you've met? Where do we begin?

I mean, I've had a few. I did leave a meeting. Ones that you can broadcast. Yes. Well, yeah, ones I can broadcast. I did leave a meeting recently, which yes well yeah once i can broadcast i did leave a meeting recently which was great and i said i'm so sorry i i'm gonna have to leave you as i have a 1 p.m with gary lineker excuse me brilliant and then i left fantastic and have my starbucks with gary that is good lovely yeah that's great i try not to meet my heroes i just think it's a mistake i'm not even joking i don't but is there anyone There's a couple of times I could have met the band Elbow

and I've elected not to. And were they playing an absolute radio not so long ago? Yeah, and I was there. I saw them with about 50 people here and I didn't... Why didn't you not go up to them? I don't want that. But you're Northern, they're Northern. Let's have a party.

Could all knit together. You know? But I'm a big fan of theirs. I don't want them to think of me as like, oh, he's that guy that's a massive fan of hers. He's just a bit cloying. A seldom-seen fan. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, but they don't know about your tight glutes. Well, I could tell them all about that. Oh, what about when I was in Jim Carrey's dressing room? No way. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What are we up to on those tweets? Oh, God.

I know, I know. Needy. What was that? 3-9-3. 3-9-3! Does that mean we've done it? On a technicality, we won! Yes, come on!

Well, that's good, isn't it? And now can we move on? Yes. Like grown-ups might. Oh, I don't believe I ever told you this, but I can never move on. Oh, OK. I just asked my exes.

Still angry. Steve Hall. We were discussing meeting heroes, sporting heroes, musical heroes. Alan meeting Elbow Me, meeting Keegan. I once shared a urinal with Habel Xavier, the Liverpool player at the time. Sorry to hear that.

I was presented with a pennant when I was eight by Steve Terry, the Watford centre-back. I thought you were going to say Jermaine Pennant. Yes. I used to date... Oh, no, I better not go there. The only other person I've lost my mind... Premiership team, though, just saying.

Hashtag Londonag London-based. Are we going to carry on with this? No. Is it someone from Crystal Palace? Scott. Scott, is it John Ward? Higher, higher. We should move on, Steve.

Yes, we definitely should. Sylvain Wilsworth. Oh, that's my lawyers, just online one there. Very careful. Brian Marlowe. Very tempted to go, here it is. Story of my life, Al. Indeed.

The most excited I've ever been to meet a celebrity was on the 19th of June, 1995, outside the London Astoria. All right, really, man. I had been to a recording of The Beat, hosted by Gary Crowley. There'd been some excellent bands, Spearhead, Corner Shop, Gene. I think Tricky had been on. It was a marvellous night. And outside the Astoria,

I saw Graham Coxon. And I was so excited to meet him. But I also just lost any degree of rationality. Oh, no. Did you embarrass yourself? I deliberately bumped into him. I deliberately clipped shoulders with him. Oh, no. Did you embarrass yourself? I deliberately bumped into him. I deliberately clipped shoulders with him. Oh, no.

And he said, sorry, and I said, sorry, and that was it. Oh, that's all right. You've come out of that. I didn't wash my shoulder for the next month. At least you didn't do that thing of going up and saying, what time is it? Do people do that to famous people now? Well, excuse me, have you got the time, mate? Yeah.

Well, someone did that when I was out with Frank recently. Oh. And someone came up to us and went, excuse me, mate, do you know where the... I'm just doing a generic accent. I don't know where it's from. Do you know where the sports bar is? Oh, yeah.

Oh. That is terrible. Google. Frank was so nice about it. I was less nice. Never mind that. What about me and Jim Carrey in the dressing room? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. It's been so exciting here, Al, hasn't it? Because we've been rounding up, counting up. The last tweets have been coming in. Yeah, it's like the end of a general election. Polsters.

We've been going through the boxes. The pollsters! And you're David Grumbleby. Do you think this is what Barack Obama felt like? It's got a similar vibe here, definitely. Oh, you're watching, John Collins. You took a hell of a beating. It's been thrilling.

What's the count, please? We're at 405 at the moment. 405. 405. For any Fact fans, that's on aggregate rather than just one solid number. We go on to face Gloria Honeyford in the semi-final. I'd like to just tidy up some other business that we've dealt with. We've had an email in from Steve Petrelhead.

Sorry if this has already been said on air. You must not run a diesel car until it runs out of fuel, as it cannot easily be restarted. I very nearly did that last week. Is that right? And you may well need to call out a mechanic to bleed air out of the fuel system. Some diesel cars have a complicated series of actions to take in the manual.

Petrol cars, on the other other hand are usually fine. Just put more fuel in and then it should restart. But even then, you may flush any sediment in the tank into the filter, so it could then need to be cleaned out. Not a good thing to do. Thanks, Steve. It's good. With a surname like Petrolhead it feels like he's almost born to know

about that kind of thing. I like the idea that that's what Petrolhead does. He just comes out with those facts maybe every 45 minutes. But I think that's good. We're doing a little civic duty. That is a community service being done there. Some people might be tempted to have a roll of the dice because we've encouraged them to throughout the show

and indeed last week's show. But now we're going to stop them being broken down by the side of the road forever. Well, that's a public service that we've done, and we don't do many of them. We deserve those retweets. We earn every single one of those. How many was it again? 405.

405. We earn all of those. I won't have you doing them down. Hey, you earned them, Al. You might not like Twitter, but you earned them. OK. Thanks, guys. Well, I think that's about all we've got time for this morning i've really

enjoyed it i don't know about you boys um thank you so much for listening frank will obviously be back next week be seeing you the frank skinner show on absolute radio back saturday morning from eight tune in live for the full frank experience absolute radio